Should I settle for the nice guy? Nah. He can wait. This is every woman’s dilemma, and that nice guy who’s a sure thing can wait anyway. Do I choose the guy who has strong interest in me, but I am not so attracted to, or do I go for the one I feel passionate about, but he is a bit risky because he has other options?

The nice guy may be a sure thing. You know he has no better place to go, and that’s a turn off. Some good guys are just needy and they give, give, give to twist your arm into giving them a chance. That’s not always attractive.

The risky guy can potentially hurt you. You may not have the passion or the stamina to go through the motions of this emotional roller-coaster. Yes, dating is supposed to be a thrill, we are supposed to enjoy the process, and sometimes the ride is as big of a turn on as the potential relationship. While we are all too smart to chase men, we have all been there, and know how tempting it is to want what you shouldn’t have. He is like a piece of cake, and you are circling that thing knowing you shouldn’t eat that. But good life is about pleasure, don’t you want to be tempted by something?

I am that girl who has never given the nice guy a chance. Why not? Because nothing happens until I am turned on. He could be a genius, a hero, a savior of the disenfranchised, an angel, or a tycoon, but unless I am feeling hot and bothered, it ain’t gonna happen. I have said no to good guys, millionaires, older guys, bald guys, short guys, fat guys, intellectuals, socialists, capitalists, douche-bags, macho men, “real men” and every single man I deemed as unsleepable. I have been heavily criticized, accused of being superficial, mean, “not a real woman” for refusing to consider men who I find unattractive. I won’t apologize for that. Dating isn’t charity, and it’s not about granting wishes to people who think they deserve you. Women don’t owe chances to men who don’t turn them on, so why this belief that every guy deserves a chance?

I am not a glutton for punishment. I choose men who can turn me on because I believe in my right to pleasere.  I encourage exploration, enjoyment and think all women should absolutely expect to be turned on. I think that many of us are confused between what we personally feel and need, and what society tells us is the proper thing to do. Hurry up, settle down, pick the nice guy, because he is secure and he’ll never leave you.  The same women wake up ten years later to realize they were never turned on, he doesn’t give orgasms, he doesn’t even think she need them.

I think all women have to enjoy love, sex and dating, and unless they have reached that point of pure ecstasy and fulfillment in dating, they are not emotionally nor spiritually ready for marriage. A woman who has avoided pain, risk, bad boys, sexual escapades, and heartache, is so sheltered that she is not in touch with her inner self, has not risen to Goddess status, and is not in full possession of herself, her emotions, her strength nor her power. She may be quite ready to settle down, but is approaching marriage from a place of fear, defeat, and lack of fulfillment. She is operating on an ego level, looking for men who can fill gaping holes of her personal needs, and not connecting on a deeper level at all. But then neither are the men whom she is a match to. They too are with a woman who is merely a filler for what is lacking in their manhood.

I wrote a blog post last week about The Higher Purpose of Relationships.  I believe that every relationship is a teacher, and that there is a spiritual purpose to the most difficult relationships. No, I in no way believe in tolerating toxic men, but our greatest lesson is in knowing how to overcome toxicity, learning how to make choices that are in our own highest interest, and walking away without looking back- the most powerful move any woman could make. How can a woman take possession of herself without mastering her own body?

And so, we all face that Nice Guy Dilemma. He is waiting, he is available, he brings flowers, you know he wants you, he’ll do anything to keep you, and every dating expert and your mother thinks you need to grow up, and give the sure thing a chance. They say you are crazy, and that science has proven that something is wrong with you if you consistently pursue challenges and pleasure, and keep walking away from all the easy men willing to commit.

But men have no respect for the easy girl who is a sure thing. In fact, they’ll often use her, and abuse her, take whatever she is willing to give until a real woman shows up. Then the sure thing is history. So why are we supposed to fall in love with men who are a sure thing? Why won’t we women take risks with our lovers? What are we afraid of? A broken heart? A few tears? Temporary agony? Most men scoff at the idea of taking the sure thing too seriously or committing to her. She isn’t worth it. So why are women being told that the committed guy is the only real man there is? Bullshit.

It is true, we are all turned on by different characteristics. But damn it, we should be getting turned on! If you aren’t glowing like a 10,000 watt generator, why is he still here? Why are we considering men who are just meh, okay, but committed?  Is the fact that he is committed to something more important than our commitment to our selves and our need of pleasure? Commitment is a trap. Women have been taught to chase commitment as if it is the ultimate sign of love, but to ignore their physical needs and pleasure because those things are somehow too superficial to pursue and enjoy. Life for committed women is not about enjoyment at all.

We live in an age when even real men can do very little for us.  I, and many other successful and secure women are perfectly okay with that. But, when there is very little a man can do to add value to our lives, why aren’t we asking for more enjoyment, more adventure, exceptional sex and pure ecstasy? This is what men are designed to do. This is something all men dream of doing very well. Why are we downplaying sex, adventure and personal enjoyment as if it isn’t really important, when in fact it is what exceptional living is all about? Many women have completely shut their sexuality down in order to snag a husband. They don’t even know that excellent sex is the most important aspect of our psychological and spiritual development, that without it we are not alive. Don’t tell me you are awake if you are not high on orgasms.

Personally, if a man can’t turn me on, there is nothing he can do for me. He can place a thousand gold bars in front of my feet, I will kick them over. I don’t need them. He can place a dozen impressive degrees on my desk. Sure, intelligence can be sexy, but educated men come in two packages: Hot and Not! Only one can make me smile.

Why are we so afraid to enjoy men? Sure, marriage minded people have other characteristics to evaluate. But exceptional sex, and being turned on should be at the top of all of our lists. They should never be just an afterthought.

Many years ago I met this really good guy who had a tiny dick. He was very nice, caring, giving, and he waited for me to come to my senses for two years. Handsome, smart, successful, offered me a McMansion if I would just take him seriously. I tried. I really tried. But I let him go. Did I miss the nice, needy, eagerness to please? Never. I wished him the best and hoped with all my heart that such a committed guy would find a more committed girl than me. He did. Was I jealous? Nope.

Choosing between the nice guy we all think we should accept, and the riskier guy who actually turns us on shouldn’t be so agonizing. One is like a luscious chocolate cake that we could savor, the other limp broccoli we push to the side of the plate. But there is a good explanation for why the nice guy doesn’t feel right. You are not turned on, and that is your sign that this isn’t going to satisfy you physically, emotionally, spiritually. He might fulfill your need for safety because he can’t leave you, but most of us have reached that level of personal development to expect much more out of life.

It is very rare for me to meet women who are very sexually satisfied. The few who are, have experienced a lot!  They found satisfaction by learning who they are, and that their personal needs are far more important that what society thinks, or what he thinks. Most women I know are torn between what they dream of and what they are told they should settle for. They are stuck between their inner wants and needs, and pursuing what society tells them is right. And by far, the vast majority of women approach relationships from a place of fear. For them risk is to be avoided at all costs. “Too much pleasure is unhealthy. Ignore your sexual appetites, but make sure you are able to satisfy his. Avoid the hot guy, but be hot for the guy who is interested. Avoid risky men, but risk everything for the guy who has an interest in you. Pleasure is not something you should crave, but when he craves pleasure, be an expert at satisfying him. Sexual escapades are demeaning for women, but when he has them congratulate him for being a man. And above all things, settle, settle, settle for the guy who is ready to commit”.  Sorry, but that’s not okay with me.

The nonsense most women are taught to believe about love, sex and dating is disturbing. A lot of women get into their forties and they still believe that orgasms are just a phantom of a Playboy Bunny’s imagination. “Oh, that’s not for me, I’m in a relationship with a “good guy”.  I’ll take the commitment over fantasy any day”. Wake up ladies, if you are not getting turned on, or being sexually satisfied you are wasting your life away.  You’ll be on anti-depressants halfway into your marriage, and it won’t be because you’re hormonal or depressed, it will be because you not having orgasms.

Sex is life’s ultimate pleasure, and unless you have mastered it and learned how to enjoy it and receive it, you have not awakened. Sex is a life force, as important as air, food and water, if you are not getting orgasms, you are dying inside.  You can settle down, and you can get an iron-clad commitment, but what are you living for? For your husband? For your kids? For the marriage?

I am not surprised to find out that most women I work with are faking orgasms. No they would never admit it openly. To fake an orgasm would be the ultimate fakery of womanhood and femininity, and they were taught that a real woman is supposed to be a screamer, theatrics and all. To admit they are faking would be to admit that this abrasive, unattractive, know-it-all they settled for is not doing it for them, there is no attraction at all, and then the relationship they are so deeply committed to would be a sham. He must feel he is a real man, and she must do whatever it takes to make him believe it.

If you are an enlightened man who believes in living fully, and you find yourself in a relationship, always ask yourself, what exactly is she committed to? Is she committed to commitment, or is she committed to her own life and pleasure? Is she having sex to please you, or does she know how to please herself? A Goddess is a woman who is totally self-aware, and she is committed to no one but herself. She will choose a man who trhills her physically, emotionally, spiritually, and that’s not necessarily the guy who who can buy her a rock.

But let’s not go there. Let’s look at what we all can do. If you want to have good sex, there are armies of soldiers out there willing to give it to you. You don’t have to choose just one. Choose ten if that is your pleasure.

Do they have to be good people, nice guys, committers? No, they just have to be good at one thing. You are not in a race to sign a contract in the shortest amount of time, you are free and you have all the time you want to explore. Out of ten, only one might do the trick. Enjoy it, but keep moving, there is greater pleasure to be had in Ibiza, the Riviera, or a beach in Bali. It’s true, not all men know how to give orgasms. Don’t despair, there’s an app for that. You have a passport, and great orgasms are worth flying to the moon for. If there’s hot stuff in Rio de Janiero who is willing and able to rock your world, then you should be holding a ticket to Rio in your hand.

But “I’m too old, I’m too fat, I’m tired, I really want a husband”.  He is too, that’s why he’s so eager to get married. Relax, you don’t have an expiration date, and you won’t become a spinster. A spinster is a married woman who has no orgasms. You won’t miss an opportunity. By now I have learned that no man is an opportunity, they just believe in their worth much more than you believe in your own. It doesn’t matter if you are fifty or sixty or if you don’t know what you are doing. There are seas of men out there who have never given a woman a real orgasm. Consider it a great service to humanity to educate them.

Women were born with the remarkable ability to have multiple orgasms. Does that mean that we should settle for just one, or a slight tingle? If a woman can have twelve orgasms in a night, and a man could have one, then how many men would it take to satisfy her? You get my drift. Don’t settle for one.

If you have recently divorced, get ready for an eye-opening experience. This is especially true if you have been under contract for decades. Yes, sex is much better outside of  marriage. Consider it an opportunity to make up for lost time, and live, truly live. Your goal in life should be pursuit of all things meaningful: sex, travel, liberation, affairs, happiness, ecstasy, men, lots and lots of men, but most importantly self-reliance, self-satisfaction, self-possession, self-confidence. The day you realize “I have mastered myself and I have mastered it all” is the day you wake up a Goddess.

S