Breakups suck. Even when we logically know that the relationship isn’t working and that the person isn’t in our best interest, it can still be difficult to move on. We are all taught to make the best out of every situation, to give people ample chances to be who we need them to be, adjust our own wants and needs for the sake of being in a relationship. I don’t agree with traditional relationship advice because I see it doesn’t serve people, especially not women. When we logically know that he isn’t who we want, and when we emotionally feel like this is inadequate, it is our responsibility to take the steps to free ourselves, and do better next time.
Letting go is hard, but I consider it a spiritual practice. In fact, I have written about it many times because I have discovered its power to heal, to get me unstuck from stagnant situations, and move in a better direction. I won’t describe the process here, but will say that it is crucial to us doing better, and better, and better for ourselves. The less we attach ourselves emotionally to people, the more forgiving we can be, and the more we are willing to allow for a peaceful parting of ways. That is easier said than done, I know, but if we make it a permanent spiritual practice, it does get easier.
Inside The Goddess Principles private forum, there are a lot of women who are finding it hard to move on. These are highly evolved and experienced women who are well qualified to counsel others, but like all humans have a door that wasn’t firmly shut behind them. The typical scenario was a breakup that occurred two years ago, but for the sake of friendship they keep the person in their life. Friendship is important, but being friends with a well-meaning ex is still and always will be an old energy and an old relationship pattern. So this quest to prove we can still be friends, turns into a heavy friendship that hurts just as much as when they were sleeping together. This friendship also becomes a crutch because neither person has to fully face the breakup, as there is still hope in having loyal companionship. Two years later, a woman asks why am I still not in a new relationship? Why am I still oddly stuck on my ex? I know I don’t want him, I see that he is not good for me, but for some reason I am still stuck on him, and only him. Many move on and date, but continue to experience the same relationship over and over again with a different person.
Think of each relationship as a program, and at a certain point in our lives our program becomes corrupt. At some point we start reprogramming our wants, needs and expectations to meet the needs of the other person, because we falsely believe that this relationship is more important than what we truly want and need. We keep editing our program until it starts to behave more like what the other person wants, or whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with a person who is actually not who we want. Logically speaking, no relationship can run on a bad program, and inevitably the program crashes.
If you are like most people, you wake up, get dressed, put on your makeup, revise your Facebook status and actively start seeking a new relationship. And then a new guy comes into your life, and he is just awesome, and he too has a few glitches we think we must adjust to. This one is worth keeping, and maybe investing in a bit more than the other guy, so we tweak our programming even more to make ourselves more compatible with the other guy. The more we edit our program, the more our course veers closer to his path, and we are now totally off-course from our own path. Once again, bad programming results in a crash, and somehow this is all his fault. But who edited the program?
Over the years we keep getting into new relationships with old programming disguised in fresh packaging and we wonder why none of our relationships are working. We blame bad relationships on people’s unwillingness to give us what we want, their selfishness, their self-centeredness, and a thousand other psychological disorders. No one sees that they are running a corrupt program.
But why do we keep the old program running in the background of all our relationships. We are afraid to let go of what we know. Somehow those past traumatic crashes, and painful endings are comforting. It is easier to stick with what we already know. And also, many of us are looking for a human to take us exactly as we are, with all our flaws, all our boo-boos and make it all better. But, if the other person is healthy, they know it’s is not their job to heal you and make you better. So, an old program can only function for a very limited time with another person whose program is just as corrupt.
A part of the reason we keep running corrupt programs is because we have not firmly closed the back door to old viruses. We hit delete, but it is still in the recycle bin. We cleaned the hardware, but it lies stored on an external drive. Sooner or later that old virus will find its way back into your program. It never left, you never fully deleted it, it was always spying on you in the background, in other words, you left the door wide open.
Why is your ex back? Because you left the door unlocked? Why is he still spying on you? Because you gave him your password. Why are you still thinking about him? No, it is not because you were cosmically connected, it is because you never blocked the dude in the first place. This person still has access to you on some level, even if it is through a tiny keyhole, as long as an entry point is not secure, the pesky virus will find you.
There is nothing more disheartening than to listen to a woman, and some of my male friends complain about an ex whom they just can’t shake. And inevitably this is a person they had a lot of compassion for, didn’t want to cut off, and hey, a few months later they have magically fixed whatever made their code corrupt and they are knocking on your door with an offer to install an upgrade. The only reason you are torn between breaking their heart and breaking your own is because you are running the same program in the background, and there is a back door still open for the pesky virus to crawl into.
The crash is even harder when the other person refuses to give us closure. It would be so much easier if he clearly stated I will never see you again, I am marrying someone else, instead of being silent, walking away, but still keeping channels of communication wide open. Will he text me again? Will he like my Facebook post? If he does, you’ll feel hopeful enough to continue being stuck until you receive the next sign, and the next one, and the next one. This is how people linger in hopeless and toxic dramas.
It is not the other person’s responsibility to give you closure. In fact, he cannot because there will never be adequate explanations and clear enough words to soothe you into letting go. And as long as you wait, you are leaving room for more pain, and stagnation. What you can do is take the matter into your own hands, and take responsibility for your own closure.
Yes, you can give yourself closure, in fact that is the only permanent and effective way to guarantee peace of mind. You do have the ability to seal all entry points into your life: social media, e-mail, phone numbers, and change all passwords. A lot of people find this the most painful aspect of the breakup, and see it as the ultimate loss. Well after the relationship is over, they are clinging to the possibility by simply keeping the lines of communication open, just in case, some day he needs a transplant and they are the only viable donor. It would be cruel to seal the door shut, wouldn’t it?
Here is something a few people know. You don’t have to believe me, but some of us can see and feel energy. It flows within us, between all people, and the flow is stronger between people who once had an emotional connection. You can break up with a person, but the reason you are stuck on them is that energetic connection still flows. You can make the physical move away from them, even move to another country, but the connection remains. Why? Sure, you may be still partly obsessed, hopeful, and stubborn about letting go. But the reason you are is because on some level you can still feel the person’s energy. Even if you are not one of those people who can feel energy of others, you are still susceptible to it. You cannot see, hear or smell a radio wave, but when it hits the receiver in your car, you start to sing a long.
Thoughts are just energy. And obsessive thoughts are very strong, stubborn energy. How do you cut them off, when your monkey mind just won’t let go?
After my last breakup, I had to do some serious work on myself. This person’s energy remained even though we promised never to see each other again, even though we live in two different countries, even though we both started dating other people. Logically speaking I was 100% sure I did not want this man, but the thoughts and hurt feelings and the anger remained. I did unfriend him on Facebook, and thought that was enough, but it wasn’t. I could literally still read this person, and was very aware of his whereabouts, feelings, his pain. How??
The energy flow between us remained. We were still thinking about each other, checking on each other via social media, talking to mutual friends. Two years later, and I was asking myself why the hell are all new relationships following this same old program that he brought into my life? I am dating the same person in a different body, over and over again. But the energy between us still flowed because I did not cut it off. And that old virus was still running in the background of my corrupt program.
You don’t have to believe in or feel energy, but I am sure you know what it is like to be stuck on someone while you are trying to move on. Well, there is one guaranteed way to get closure. Close the damn door.
When I say close the door, I mean seal every single entry point. If you are still friends, trust me that virus has replicated a thousand times over, you have a lot more work to do now. But, if you truly want something better for yourself, you have to say good bye to whoever is keeping you stuck, and sometimes it is an old ex who is still your friend. If you think that unfriending someone on Facebook will send them a message about how little you care, you are right. Because unfriending someone still allows both of you to see each other’s profile, so the connection remains, so will your thoughts, your feelings and your obsession over this person you can still check in on from time to time. If they can get the message that you are displeased, then the channel of communication is still open. Block that mofo so you have no way of laying eyes on him again.
But blocking someone is more beneficial to you and your own peace of mind than to him. This is because once you press the block button, you have brought about a finality with your own hand. This is your own decision, and once done, it is firmly implanted in your mind that there is no going back. The bridge has been burned. The decision is yours, the power is yours, and the closure is now yours. You own it, and owning it feels really good.
This is one of the most difficult things to convince people to do, to bring about a finality to an old relationship or an old block, or an old virus that is still eating us alive. So many women think that this last step will be the most painful, when in fact this is the most liberating step of all.
An interesting thing that happens is that many of them feel a sense of overwhelming peace and freedom once it is done. Knowing that I gave myself closure instead of waiting for someone to give it to me is extremely empowering. If you feel energy, you will also feel the added bonus of not being pulled by those obsessive thoughts any longer. Your mind is free and clear and you are open to new situations, and truly ready to take on something better. You now have what you wanted all along, a fresh start.
I consider letting go a spiritual practice. As you all know, I meditate on a regular basis and the habit has given me insight to a lot of personal blocks that I have struggled for years to overcome. Letting go has become so liberating to me that I now do it on a regular basis. I let go of all those old energies, especially people who keep bringing back old patterns, unhealthy obsessions, repeating situations into my life. I no longer feel guilty asking people to leave, distancing myself, even clicking the delete button when necessary. Technology has given us a quicker and more convenient way to make friends, but also a more efficient way to let them go as well. Do not feel guilty. In a lifetime, we will meet exponentially more people than previous generations ever could, and we need more effective ways to keep our paths clean and our minds clear. If you have to remove a stubborn energy or a giant boulder from your path, the less you stress about it the faster you’ll move on.
But letting go is not enough, you also have to close the door and seal it shut. The only way you will move on is when you no longer have the ability to look back, when there is no way to restore a burned bridge, and when it is you who has made the final decision and honored it. You alone have the power to give yourself closure, and you alone are responsible for making sure all entry points are secure. If you believe that the power of closure lies within the other person, you will suffer in pain until they give it to you, which may be never. But if you know that the power is yours, and yours alone, the sooner you close and seal all doors shut, the sooner you feel ready to move on.
Only you can give yourself closure, not the other person. When you are struggling to calm your troubled mind and wondering if things could have turned out differently, it is probably because there are a thousand different what if scenarios running through your mind. What if I worded my feelings differently? What if I gave him another chance? What if