Boo hoo, I’m sorry you have issues from your past, and I’m sorry you keep suffering because you are stuck on that old story, and sorry to tell you this: no magical hand is going to come down from the sky and hand you a cookie for all your suffering. Suffering is not a badge of honor, there’s no reward for carrying other people’s burdens, nor for suffering longer than all your friends. You’re not a better person because you suffered more, and you don’t get brownie points for being a victim. What do you get in the end? People who are sick of you story, relationships that don’t want to suffer with you, and guess what, more suffering you have earned by staying in that mentality.
The goal in life is not to endure hardships, it is to overcome those hard things. The goal in life is not to remain loyal to those who test your boundaries, and stay in relationships with people who want to break out. The goal in life is not to list all the ways you have grieved and been wronged, you score by learning from each situation, and growing yourself to be a wiser, better, more self-honoring person. That lesson in life is how to choose your honor first over every person and situation who has dared to dishonor you.
Accepting defeat does not mean that you have to remain in that state of defeat, it just means being okay with it long enough to suspend your ego, and learn to stop fighting for what you want, you have to become it. You can’t fight a man into loving you, so stop fighting for love. Be love. You will never be rich, successful, independent, nor respected, when you insist that other people alter their behavior for your benefit. That’s like asking for an emotional handout.
Being a Goddess is a tough job. It means choosing yourself first, honoring yourself first, enforcing your own boundaries, speaking your inner truth at all times, defending your truth even when it means losing everything. You have to be so committed to yourself, that no one can threaten your ego, no one can take away your inner peace, no one can knock you out of balance because your balance is dependent on your self-respect, not on other people’s actions.
Most women agree that they should choose themselves first when it comes to men. But then, they put aside their needs for their child, compromise their truth for the sake of pleasing an aging parent. They’ll say No to the beggar down the street, but say okay to that boundary-crossing friend just to keep the friend. Are you aware of how many times you dishonor yourself when you try to maintain peace? I am not saying that you should be combative about your boundaries, I am saying that you should stop feeling guilty for saying No. Every time you say yes, when you mean no, even in unimportant situation, you swallow a bit of your pride. You swallow a bit of bitterness, you swallow a bit of resentment, you swallow a bit of anger, you say okay because that’s what nice women do.
Each time you do that, you compromise a piece of yourself. A long time ago, you have learned to take it, and it’s no wonder that as an adult, many women have no clue how to get respect. This is sad.
Receiving respect should not be a bloody battle, but it often is when you have taught people that you are willing to swallow your pride. Whose fault is it when they expect you to swallow it again? It is sad when strong, competent, educated, successful women win people over by acquiescing to their demands. They earn a relationship with a man whose ego they now have to stroke, or earn a promotion by saying yes to everyone in the department- she is that employee who works until 2 am, because she has taken on the work of people she didn’t want to reprimand. Is that success? Is that a Goddess? She may have the $2000 handbag and the matching stilettos, but is that a woman who commands respect?
Self-respect begins with the word No. No mom, you cannot guilt me into visiting you on Sunday. No son, you cannot behave dishonorably and demand that I treat you like a man. No honey, I won’t stroke your ego and treat you like a god, when you behave like any mortal. No boss, I won’t work on weekends for no additional pay. No. No, No, No and No. Why? It is not in my best interest to do so.
Many of us have no problems at all, instead most of us suffer from a lack of self-respect. Many of us are looking for techniques about how to change other people, but are refusing to change ourselves. Some of us suffer, yet remain loyal to those who keep us suffering. Who are you really committed to? Those people who ask you to swallow guilt, shame, self-respect, or are you committed to you? Act like it. A Goddess is committed to herself, to her honor, to her dignity, to her boundaries, to her self-respect. A Goddess would not compromise one ounce of her dignity, her boundaries, her self-respect, to keep disrespectful people in her life. Not one ounce.
A Goddess commands respect from others solely because she demonstrates her commitment to her dignity and self-respect for the whole world to see. Those who cannot tolerate her strength and her loyalty to herself will hate her, and obviously disapprove. A Goddess is comfortable and stands confident in the face of their disapproval.
Become comfortable with other people’s disapproval of you. Yes, it is a practice that you must master. You cannot shrink when others demand you bow in front of them. Be comfortable with losing important people, no one should be more important to you than you. Be comfortable with saying No, without an apology or an explanation. No. I’m not interested. No, that is not true. No, you are in fact wrong. No, you do not have my permission to do that. No, it is not okay for you to keep pushing for yes, when I have clearly said No. No, I won’t call you on my day off. No, I will not pick up the phone every time you need something. No, you are not my top priority. No, dinner with you would be no pleasure for me. No, I will not buy more Girl Scout cookies from you, I do not want to feel obligated. No, I will not pay what we haven’t agreed to, No, you did not complete your work to my satisfaction and no, I will not help you complete it. No.
Do you have trouble saying No? Do you have issues that you haven’t put an end to from your past? Do you suffer at the hands of other people? Are you still entertaining bad habits from your past? Are you still relying on victimhood as your excuse in life? I can’t help you until you are willing to stand up for yourself and scream No. I’ve got bad news for you. We all keep ourselves in old holding patterns, in toxic relationships, in deep shit, simply because we refuse to take responsibility for our own grown selves and say No.
One of the things I enjoy now with great pleasure is saying No. In fact, I love the power of saying No so much, I relish hearing myself say it. My no, is never followed by an excuse, an explanation, nor sugar-coated words. Those words only soften my position, and transfer my power to the other person. I also won’t let the other person embellish my truth. I said No, now he is responsible for dealing with rejection, and handling my No like a healthy grownup. If he cannot, my answer remains No, but now his maturity or lack thereof will show. When someone tries to compromise my word by insisting “Oh she really didn’t mean to be so abrupt”, I confidently say “Yes, I clearly intended to say No”. No one gets to correct my feelings, no one gets to sugar-coat the meaning of my word on my behalf. My no, always means No, and I will fight or cause you some unpleasant feelings if you dare to challenge my No. I never say “I’m sorry I have to decline, I say No, I don’t want to”.
Your No does not have to sound positive. Your No does not have to sound like a maybe. Your No does not have to coddle their feelings. In fact, when it doesn’t, it sounds much more powerful and dignified than “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Say No and give yourself permission to enjoy their disapproval afterward.
When people know that they can get you to compromise, they will surely expect you to every time. When people know that you are willing to push aside your dignity so they can feel good, they will expect you to do it again. Demonstrating that you are willing to soften your opinion so they can feel right, broadcasts that you have no respect for your own opinion. Why would anyone respect you when your opinion is negotiable? If I can make you feel guilty for enforcing your boundaries, I hold all the power about how you feel.
Being a Goddess has nothing to do with how you look, whether men chase you, the cost of your wardrobe, nor whether you are able to manipulate people into liking you. You simply cannot fake it. Being a Goddess is 100% respect for the self. Create a Self that you can worship and kneel in front of. How? Imagine that your Self, that Goddess Self is separate from your body, imagine that it is high up in the sky, like God. What aspects of God do you respect? Why does everyone respect and bow down in front of God? Does God compromise when she is offended? Does God acquiesce to guilt, shaming, or demands? Is God afraid of losing people? Is God afraid of your disapproval? Is God afraid to disappoint you? Has God ever felt guilty for saying No? Nope, God stays up in the sky, and stays in full power no matter what is happening down here on earth. Has God ever stopped down to the level of man? Neither should you.
A man is not someone for whom you should compromise your honor. A relationship is not a prize you win by negotiating your dignity away. Success is not something you earn by doing everyone else’s job, and it is certainly not a willingness to do anything for money. If you can’t respect yourself, you have nothing other people can value. An inability to say No, is a sure sign of a doormat.
You have no problems in life. You just haven’t learned how to say No.