Why do women believe that there is something wrong with them if they have experienced countless toxic patterns with toxic men? Why do we automatically believe that there is something wrong with us, that we are ruined, spoiled, jaded, negative, broken, damaged, messed up? Because we are taught that.
Society, media, and culture tell us that women with a lot of experience are somehow damaged by negative experience and broken relationships. I disagree. I am not damaged, I am wise. I wasn’t broken, I healed myself then learned how to avoid toxic people and situations. Experience is the best teacher. Since I can’t underline this statement, I will repeat it: Experience is the best teacher, and you should never apologize or think less of yourself for being learned.
That’s the same as when media claims that women with MBAs are now not eligible for marriage because they are over-educated, cold-hearted, over-ambitious and too greedy to settle down and have children. Absolute bullsh**.
So, what is wrong with you? NOTHING. The only fault that you have is that you believe this garbage that there is something wrong with you. Yes, bad experience can cause trauma, trauma is agonizing pain, and when it is not properly dealt with it can cause future harm to the self. But, most of us are actively processing past relationships, negative experiences, talking about them, getting help, still learning, and most importantly healing. Like many of you, I have a lifetime of experience with hideous men, monsters, toxic friends, bosses, neighbors, family members. I have learned from all of them. It took me 48 years on this earth to start to recognize patterns, pay attention to red flags, spot suspicious behavior, learn to read people.
According to some textbooks and many experts, my alertness could be recognized as a problem. Maybe I do approach people with caution. I’ll give you that. But, what I have recognized within myself is that I am now a better reader of people. I pay attention, not just in romantic situations, but with all people I meet. My stillness allows me to see things that people who are too eager and excited do not see. It is amazing what happens when a woman begins to trust herself, believe in her own intuition, trust her own decisions, and feels no need to compensate, apologize, or question her own judgment.
No I am not broken, I am powerful. And so are you. You too have a lifetime of pain. Every human being on this planet does. Do you see yourself as a victim? Maybe you should reconsider that. Instead of telling your friends about your pains and your traumas and your failures, how about talking about your lessons, what you have learned out of each crash, how you honored yourself after abuse, how you left toxic people behind, and about how healing and freeing it felt to make a painful decision that honored you.How amazing would it be if we congratulated each other for those painfully hard decisions? You are a winner, you did good for yourself. You spoke up, you said the most painful thing, you spoke your truth and freed yourself. You stood up, you believed in your own inner guidance system, you defended your boundaries, you displayed remarkable strength, incredible focus, you cut that cancerous person out of your pain body. You are like the GI Jane of pain relief! Congratulations on being so tough.
No, I am not broken, I am not spoiled, I am not negative, and I am not a victim. I am experienced, I spot the signs of a predator, a toxic person, a con-artist because I believe in my own experience and everything that I have learned thus far, and I won’t apologize.The most valuable education I have received in my life has nothing to do with my degrees. The most valuable education was my pain, my traumas, my sadness, my loss, my anxiety, my past depression, my accidents, my illnesses, my emotional anguish. I am not sick, I am not tarnished- I AM WELL. I have 48 years of experience dealing with difficulties, broken hearts, trauma, sickness, abuse, and I learned how to honor myself through it. I have 48 years worth of patterns that I now know how to analyze. Having a lifetime of patterns is like owning a lifetime of solid data- it is like being a good statistician- you let the data speak to you. No I don’t apologize for seeing danger, I know how to read the signs.
If I am protective of my friends or other women, it is not because I want them to fear, it is because i want them to trust their instincts and honor them. If I warn people about something I have experienced before, it is because I want them to make the best decision for themselves. If someone can do you harm, I will take the blindfold off your eyes, because maybe you don’t see clearly. Is something wrong with me? NOTHING. I am educated, I am experienced, I am wise. I stand by what I have learned. I have a graduate degree in humanity. I have a big heart and I want women to see the power within themselves and stop apologizing for that power. We are not victims, we know what we are talking about.