You can’t take down a woman who knows exactly who she is, who has accepted all her flaws, failures, shortcomings, and learned to appreciate and be proud of all her scars. True or false? You can’t insult a woman, manipulate her, or make her act smaller, when she knows her own power. You can’t tell her she is nothing, she won’t believe you.Are you still struggling against people who bring you down? Instead of asking what is wrong with them, instead of trying to fix your relationship with them, look within yourself. Your problem isn’t them, the problem is that you believe them, you believe in who they are, their words have too much weight, you are giving them too much power.

A woman who has accepted all her mistakes, a woman in love with her body, a woman who has accomplished loving her choices, her career, her lifestyle, will never doubt herself, and never apologize for who she is. Never, ever, ever. I am the epitome of that free woman who is often called names. I released myself from people’s judgment, but most importantly from judging myself when I realized that even those toughest choices I made that nobody approves of were made in my own best interest. Had I chosen what is right for society, my parents, or men, I would surely be hating myself right now. I would be apologizing, feeling the need to compensate or justify my actions.What freed me is the realization that I AM that woman who has made some painful decisions, said No and suffered the consequences, because I had to be true to myself. That is nothing to be ashamed about, and it is nothing to apologize for.

All humans have flaws, insecurities, and feel guilt acting in their own interest- especially women. When people hear you justify your actions, seek approval, or apologize, they know exactly how to exploit you. You open yourself up to their judgment, what is worse you listen to it, then believe it. Whose fault is that you feel bad about yourself?Toxic people look for flaws, bring them up, then watch your reaction as you try to justify who you are. No matter what you feel insecure about, they will find it. The onus is on you to change how you speak, how you present yourself, and whether you allow people to interpret your flaws in a way that makes them feel better than you. This is my advice about how to effectively talk about your flaws:

• Never fight critics, judgment or toxic beliefs. That’s like arguing for your self-worth, and it acknowledges their assertion. Instead, proudly talk about your decisions, flaws and mistakes as if you have chosen them, as if you have truly benefited from those flaws.
  • When I sense that someone is trying to explore my weaknesses, I admit what I did, or I openly call attention to exactly that flaw they are trying to exploit, but then I start beaming with pride. Do you want to talk about my weight gain? You know, I am falling in love with my newly found curves. I never thought I’d be getting so much positive attention from men! Do you want to talk about my devastating break-up? I am living my life now, loving my freedom, travels, and enjoying younger men. Do you want to talk about my career setback, I’ll tell you how that minor setback has lead to an amazing new opportunity. You will never hear me feel bad about myself. Sure, we all feel bad sometimes, for that we have trusted friends who support us. But, the worst thing that you can do is hand yourself on a silver platter to critics.
  • Play offense, rather than defense.Toxic people know how to pour salt into your wound, then they watch to see you flinch. Rather than flinch, put on a smile, then call their attention to their flaws instead. A few years ago I met some girlfriends in a bar, but that day I was in no mood to dress up, wear heals or makeup- I just showed up in my house clothes. They are all gorgeous and stunning, but that day I felt comfortable as is. A guy at the bar zeroed in on me, seeing an opportunity to test my insecurities. He asked me how it feels to be surrounded by such gorgeous creatures and be the shortest one in the simplest dress. I smiled because I was going to enjoy this conversation. I proudly said that it feels great because I’m enjoying my reflection off his bald head- I can now put on my lipstick while I tower over him. Did I walk away? Nope, I just stood there beaming with pride, and watched him back away.
  • Know that anyone who is looking for your insecurities is likely to be more insecure than you. Confident and healthy people don’t need to exploit your flaws, they will bring out the best in you. But toxic people need to make you feel smaller than they are, so they could feel good about themselves. This is your signal that you are dealing with someone who is not your professional, romantic, emotional nor intellectual equal. Armed with this knowledge, you now know not to justify your actions to them, instead look them straight in the eye and call out their insecurities or inferiority instead. Never invent things that are not true, only call them out for the behavior that you see. Toxic people fear being discovered, they live in fear that others will know their own failures and flaws- that is exactly why they try to make you feel smaller. You will see they fear women like you, the ones who easily see past their words, and are not afraid to stand firmly.

Had I not worked on myself and learned to love each and every of my flaws, I would never have had the confidence to talk back to someone, let alone revel in my flaws while I turn the table on him. But, today I have the power of knowing exactly who I am, so I can afford to stand firm, while someone tries their best to bring me down. There are many of you in this forum who are working on relationships, trying to teach men to treat you better, trying to show the world that you are worthy. The only mistake you are making is wasting time on other people, or trying to change their opinions of you. That will never change, because they see you trying and they are enjoying your effort to appease them.

Change your opinion of yourself. At first, you won’t believe in your new opinion. Change how you talk about yourself, change how you stand, change the tone of your voice, never react, change how you act. People will challenge your new confidence, no one will believe it at first. And when people don’t believe you, be okay with it. A lot of women get emotional and apologetic when no one believes they are worthy or powerful. Instead of arguing for your self-worth, brag about it .

Do you want to know how to address people’s inquiries about your flaws, failures, weaknesses and embarrassments? Brag about them as proudly as you can. Think of each of your mistakes as something that you have learned from and turned into an advantage. Take any issue that you have felt guilty or ashamed about and change your position. I am no longer afraid, I empower other women to speak freely about their choices too. Call attention to your physical features, and speak as proudly as if you have designed yourself to be this way. How do you feel about the 10 lbs you gained during lockdown? I love it! I stand in front of the mirror and admire my new curves every day. So tell me, how do you feel about your receding hairline?

S