In Defense of Ghosting

ghost·ing

ˈɡōstiNG/

noun: ghosting

Definition:   The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

Example: “I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings”

By now, you’ve all heard the term. Ghosting is a basically a disappearing act that people use to tune out those we no longer want to deal with.  Popular media, social commentators, and dating experts see ghosting as a new social phenomenon that leaves victims hurt, dejected, and injured by the offender. They claim that this practice is cruel, insensitive, and just a symptom of the brutal world we live in. I am here to tell you the other side of the story, the side that will not leave you feeling like a victim of other people’s actions, but an empowered grown-up, who owns up to her own faults and deals with them.

I am often asked to help women deal with ghosting, when they suddenly experience being dropped by a potential relationship or someone they have dated for a while. Like any humans, they are hurt, offended, and feeling like they did something wrong. I admit, being ghosted does not feel good at all, but unlike most advice givers, I will not give you pity,  point the finger at the other person, or claim that he or she did something wrong. Instead, I will tell you that ghosting happens for a reason, a very good reason, and if it happens to you, you’ve earned it. If it happens more often than not, then as an adult, you have the responsibility to yourself to look within, and see what it is about you that people want to switch off.

This may sound cruel, but I believe that personal growth and empowerment come from self reflection, accepting 100% responsibility for all our experiences, and not blaming our feelings on other people.  That means that if you have been ghosted, it is because of YOU, not him.  Does it not serve you then to explore yourself, what you project out into the world, what reactions people have to you, and accept the fact that when someone ghosts you, they are in essence rejecting you, or some aspect of you they find unpleasant, unnecessary, or unbearable? Accepting that it is you and not them, gives you all the power in the world to ensure you are never ghosted again. For if it is your fault, you have 100% the ability to fix that aspect of you, and no longer be a victim of ghosting.

This morning, a friend who was very upset, called to let me know that she has been ghosted by man who stopped responding to her texts and calls, and to ask if I thought that people have lost all sense of human decency when they simply cut you off.  I responded by saying that people who ghost you aren’t bad people, they do it to in some way protect themselves from you, or whatever situation, energy, or projection you bring to them. They have every right to reject what doesn’t benefit them, any healthy person would step away from something that does not feel good. Do they owe you anything? No.

Without going into details of who this person is, and why this happened to her, I will explain in general terms that this happens to a lot of my readers and clients, in fact, it is quite common. And while rejection hurts, I will never paint you as the victim. If you want to believe in the cruelty of people who reject you, go ahead, you’ll find an enormous support system in popular media and self-help books. But if you want to see yourself as you really are, I will hold up a mirror to you so that you can understand what it is that you are projecting onto other people, and what energy you bring to someone’s relationship table. That is the only way you will be able to see what it is about yourself that people need to step away from.

Contrary to popular belief, Ghosting is not a new social phenomenon propagated by the cruelty of social media, and the savage world we live in. In fact, Ghosting has been around since the dawn of mankind. It is just a new term for an old concept, rejection. Historically, the pain of rejection has always been borne by the rejected. Today, we no longer want to accept responsibility for how others treat us, and use the term Ghosting to imply that there is something wrong with the rejector, and nothing wrong with the rejected.

Modern technology, and social media now give us a power switch to simply shut off what no longer serves us, or delete people we don’t need to tolerate. We no longer have to pick up the phone and call the person we don’t want to deal with, and partake in a lengthy and unpleasant conversation about why we don’t want her in our lives. That conversation gives her the opportunity to twist words, misunderstand, or attempt to change our mind about a break-up we know is the right thing to do. We no longer have to consult the advice of family members, mutual friends, or therapists to let go of someone, risking the possibility that one of them will pester you into giving the person more chances. We can now simply delete, block, mute, and turn off the person we no longer want to deal with. As cruel as this sounds, it makes moving on easier for people. And again, they aren’t being irresponsible with your feelings when they ghost you, you as a grown woman are responsible for how you feel entirely.

So why do people ghost you? The plain and simple fact is that they don’t want you. Why? Each human is different, we all have drastically different needs and it would be a disservice to generalize. But, if you are being rejected, there is some behavior, a pattern, a habit, a style of communication, or energy, that the other person doesn’t like or want around them.

I have a confession to make. I ghost people all the time. I have been doing it since childhood, without being aware of it at all, until my clients started complaining about being victims of ghosting, and as I listened to their stories, I realized that I do it habitually.  I have been doing it for so long, I barely am aware of it, but here is my side of the story.

I am very sensitive to energy, and I confess, I am not very good at protecting myself from it. I am learning how to be more like Teflon and let people’s energy just slide off me, but often it is impossible. I am also a natural healer, a helper, I want to help make everybody feel better. And in doing so, I often absorb toxic energies of others, allow their problems to become mine, alleviating their suffering to my own detriment. This is not anyone’s fault but my own. I am still learning how to protect myself. But, in order to protect myself from being drained, and energetically depleted, I have to switch you off.

There are people who understand when I switch off, they give me my space, and we remain friends. And then, there are people who believe that my self-preservation is sheer cruelty, and that I owe it to them to remain engaged with them. I now recognize them as energy vampires, and the minute someone insinuates that I owe them my attention, time, or sympathy, I hit that delete button.  I have come to realize that people who feel entitled to my time, are no friends of mine. When I was younger and unable to recognize the signs, I would entangle myself into “friendships” where I am just serving a friend’s needs, alleviating their burdens to my own detriment. I have learned that if I continue to help, they will refuse to stand on their own two feet, that they don’t want the medicine, they just want me.

But for the most part, my ghosting is painful to people who don’t deal with rejection, who don’t understand that personal boundaries are subjective, and that they absolutely must be respected, especially to people who are codependent. Codependents live off the energy of other people, they are addicted to relationships, and they cannot survive without someone who will constantly give them feedback that they are in fact alive. There are other people who understand completely when I switch them off. In fact, I too understand that other people have energetic and emotional boundaries that I should not cross, and when they tune me out, I give them as much space as they need. Even if they need that space forever.

Though I have not been ghosted in a romantic relationship, I have been ghosted in friendship and I perfectly understand. I am not for everyone, and not everyone feels sparkly around me. I am blunt, abrasive, I joke incessantly, and I say it exactly like it is. I will never try to be someone else, but there are people who don’t like that, and I 100% respect them for it. No one owes it to me to try to understand me, tolerate me, in fact, no one owes me an explanation. It is perfectly acceptable to me if you reject me, ghost me, or switch me off. More power to you.

Like all healthy kids, I learned about rejection on the playground. My parents let me learn that lesson all by myself, without interfering or forcing other kids to play nice. In fact, they watched the painful rejections from a distance as I learned to deal with it. I had to learn my own coping mechanisms, and understand that when I am not being pleasant, other kids don’t have to tolerate me. I learned to adjust myself, respect the property of others, not cling to other kids, respect their space, and not make selfish demands, until I understood that it is okay for them to not like me. As soon as I learned how to love my own time and space, the other kids stopped rejecting me. Rejection is a lesson in life, and how you deal with it is your own responsibility.

If you are being rejected or ghosted or disrespected, the onus is on you to change yourself. I can’t tell you what it is about you that makes a man switch off.  But since I read energy, I do sense that most often it is a woman’s energy of need, inadequacy, codependence, the need for validation, nudging, that even when projected subtly is a major turn-off for men, friends, and other sensitive people.

Are they being cruel for ghosting you, or are you being cruel for insisting they should tolerate your energy? Energy is very subtle, and different people sense it in varying degrees. But every human can sense it, at least subconsciously. And as long as you are projecting something someone doesn’t like, they have every right to move away from it. They don’t owe it to you to stick around, they owe it to themselves to find a better feeling person or space.

Please know that what you are projecting, may not be negative or toxic at all.  Sometimes it is just too much contact, which is often perceived as needy. Contrary to what dating books tell you, there is no such thing as an appropriate amount of contact. What matters is whether your need for contact matches his. Until you meet someone who enjoys as much contact as you do, you will always come across as too needy or too aloof. Be okay with that.

I tend to be what others consider too aloof. I need my own space and time like people need oxygen. Step into my personal space too much, and you will be asked to leave. Text me your dramas, and I will stop responding. Not because I am a cruel or evil person, but because I have the right to keep my energy clear of other people’s problems. Demand my time without reciprocating with a quality friendship in return, and my attention will cease.

But to demonstrate how an energetically sensitive person functions, I would describe myself as a self charging battery. Everyone loves me because I generate my own energy, never take it from other people, and often make enough energy to light up an entire stadium. Needless to say, everyone wants to be around me. The upside of this is that I have attracted some spectacular friends and lovers into my life. The downside is that everyone wants a piece of my energy, and I also attract a lot of freeloaders who want to live off my energy.  Under the guise of genuine friendship, they latch on and I become their life support system. I am their therapist, best friend, guru, rescuer and the only way they can deal with life. Every time I give them a bit of my medicine (energy), my battery gets depleted a bit. They see this as no problem because I make my own energy, I have more, so why shouldn’t they be entitled to it? There are days when a lot of people need my energy, and some take it without my permission. When my battery gets low, in the red zone, I go into emergency power saving mode. I switch off. At that point, I am trying to survive, so to protect my own soul, I have to cut you off, and anyone else sucking up my life force. You think it is cruel, but you are the one with her fangs stuck in my veins.

In order to preserve my energy, I do a few things. I ignore you. If you are talking, I will cover my ears, or leave the room, and if you follow me, I will go as far away as my feet will carry me. If you are texting, I will mute the conversation, because each notification that announces you are waiting for a reply, bites. If you are right in front of me, I will avoid eye contact, because your searching, needy eyes, that are trying to share your pain with me are sucking my soul out of my chest. In short, I will do whatever it takes to save my life, even cut you off completely and forever, when I see that our relationship is an unequal exchange of energy.

Now, I am describing my most extreme experiences only to show you what happens energetically when a person has chosen to reject you.  In essence, you are draining their energy, their soul. You might think you are giving them positive energy back, but if they are a self charging battery, also known as emotionally and psychologically healthy people, they don’t need your energy at all. They will never ask for it, and they will always prefer romantic and social relationships with other people who are energetically complete.

I am not calling you unhealthy, an energy vampire, nor a codependent. I am simply demonstrating that if the energy exchange in a relationship is unequal, that relationship will fail. No one can afford to be your life support for long, and as long as what you bring into their space doesn’t feel good to them, they will seek to tune you out.

You might view yourself as a saintly do-gooder, shower people with attention, affection, flowers, and gifts. You might think that text you sent to check in, and ask how they are feeling is a form of caring,  but if they sense that you are checking in to reassure yourself they still know you exist, you have just turned them off .  If you are giving all that for the sake of a relationship, you are trading your affection in exchange for their attention or time.  I hate to tell you, but trading emotions is a form of manipulation, and if you are sending me text hugs and kisses every day just to get validation from me, you are emotionally manipulating me. When a person feels like they have to respond, or like they have to appreciate all your concern, it does not feel good. It feels like they are now responsible for replying so you don’t feel hurt. At a certain point, they will bow out of the romance or friendship, because they are not willing to take care of your emotions.

Again, I have used the most blatant examples of what happens when someone feels the need to end contact, or ghost you. I don’t know you, so I cannot say specifically what you are doing to make the person feel uncomfortable. But, you absolutely MUST respect their need for space, even if it is a complete ending of a relationship.  They don’t owe it to you to coddle your feelings, hold your hand through the breakup, or soothe you into comfort. If you do believe that, do yourself a favor, and hire a therapist. Maybe ghosting is something you are just experiencing, but rejection is nothing new.

If you feel like you are experiencing rejection like a pattern, you owe yourself some help. It is better to take full responsibility for how people perceive you and treat you, then believe that you are a victim of other people’s cruelty. They don’t owe you proper treatment, and the longer you think they do you will feel incomplete.

 

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Face It, He is Not Into You At All

Inspired by yesterday’s discussion on The Goddess Principles secret and private group on Facebook, I thought I would elaborate on my post and the conversation the ladies chimed in on. I had posted a recommendation of the book He Is Just Not That Into You written by Greg Behrendt.  As my readers know, I really don’t like dating books, and think that women should stop reading about dating strategies, as they do more to disempower, than empower a woman. But, this book is one exception to my rule, and I wholeheartedly hope that every woman reads this.

 

It was written by a dating consultant who was working behind the scenes of the show Sex in the City, in response to women going batshit crazy about men who make no moves at all towards them.  You know how it starts, you like the guy, you talk a bit, you might even exchange phone numbers and text a few times, but then nothing happens. He doesn’t ask you out, or if he does, the date never leads to anything. Meanwhile, the more nothing happens, the more she is getting hooked on the guy.

 

At a certain point this mind game she is playing all by herself, takes over every aspect of her life. Not satisfied with her own reasoning skills, she enlists the help of her girlfriends, who, with their well-meaning support, exacerbate the delusion, by helping her psychoanalyze his childhood, his mother, his past relationships, all to conclude that he is very much into her, but there is something standing in his way. Is it commitment phobia? A missing testicle? A dysfunctional family, or debilitating shyness?  Maybe he just forgot that we went on a date, maybe he needs a gentle reminder that I’m still here? Should I text hello, should I invite him for coffee? Should I offer sex to refresh his memory?

 

This is when a male friend would rationally point out that he is not that into you. In fact, if he is not making any moves, it is because he isn’t into you at all. Ouch!  So why do women have such a hard time facing this reality? Why would they rather believe that a jealous ex erased her number from his cell phone, than admit that he has no interest? Because it hurts, and we all narcissistically believe that if someone isn’t treating us how we want, there is something wrong with him, and not us.  Rejection hurts, and we would all rather fantasize a different outcome.

 

As a consultant on the TV series Sex in the City, Behrendt was responsible for most of those ingenious, late night girl talks, over pie at the corner diner. And, he too can’t believe the irrationality most women have toward men who are not interested. “But he initiated contact, so he must want something”…. “but he flirts and stares at me all day”…”He said he would like to get married some day “(but he never said he wants to marry you).

 

Really, any time a friend is pining over some guy who is making no moves, I think to myself, that if her mind keeps spinning long enough, this man is going to turn into an obsession for her. At a certain point, everyone including men, take that one object of desire that they can’t have, begins to obsess over it, and wants it even more.

 

Looking back at my own life, when a similar situation happened to me, it was when I was feeling the loneliest in my life. I had just separated from my ex-husband, started dating two men. One guy was actively pursuing me, so I quickly lost interest in him. But the other guy, strategically ignored me, so I hungered over him for a full year. One part of my brain knew this was irrational and that no relationship was possible, but the other, held out hope, so much, that at a certain point my mind I was addicted to this non-entity like crack. A drug addict lives for that hit, a tiny dose of crack that briefly produces a high, but the longer the withdrawal, and the further out the hits, he obsesses over it even more.

 

Ladies, do yourselves a favor and read the book He Is Just Not That Into You. Then, read it again. Any time your brain starts running in circles and you’re wondering how, when, if he will call you, read the book from cover to cover. Any time you feel the need to psychoanalyze his baffling behavior or why he isn’t chasing after you, read it again. Any time you want to waste a couple of hours analyzing his mother, his childhood and whether he has relationship phobia, read it again. In fact, sleep with it under your pillow to maintain your sanity. Trust me, you will thank me for this book.

 

Since that incident 7 years ago, I learned to recognize the signs of obsession and clearly distinguish it from a real relationship. This obsession is nothing but an imaginary relationship, one where a party has no intention of taking the next step, but the other party is already mentally and emotionally in the relationship. Plans are being made, wedding planners are being consulted about this pending and future relationship that hasn’t materialized.

 

Today, I am a drastically different person. I did a lot of work on myself. I realized that if I want to be magnetic and powerful, who I am was not enough. I studied myself hard, I faced all my flaws, weaknesses, inadequacies, and brick by brick I laid a new foundation. Yes, it was very painful, but facing your shadow self, that most pathetic aspect you don’t want anyone to know you have, is that piece that you can repair all by yourself.

 

The reason I want you to read He Is Just Not That Into You is because it is the answer to every obsessive question spinning around your head. You won’t waste hours of your friends’ time, creating delusions, when you have the answers.

 

Does he want a relationship?

If he hasn’t asked for one, No.

 

What is standing in his way from pursuing me?

Nothing. At all.

 

Does he fear relationships or commitment?

No, he’s just not that into you.

 

But he said he wants to get married someday?

Believe him. But, he never said that he wants to marry YOU.

 

But we hooked up. What does that mean?

It means you hooked up. If he hasn’t pursued you, he wants nothing more.

 

Does he have a crazy, jealous ex girlfriend?

Every man does. But if he was into you, he wouldn’t let her stop him from pursuing you.

 

Does he have relationship phobia?

I’m pretty sure there is no such thing. More likely, he has a YOU phobia.

 

So, what should I do?

Nothing. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it with your girlfriends, don’t pretend there is a relationship when there isn’t, don’t pursue him, don’t remind him you still exist, and don’t plan your future around him. Do yourself a favor and hire a therapist, trust me you need one. If you are obsessed with him, or relationships, or relationships with people who don’t want one with you, if you have wasted any time of your precious life on imaginary relationships, you owe yourself some help.

 

Face it, this was never a relationship. If you think about it logically, you fell into this imaginary relationship all by yourself. If you really want to help yourself, ask yourself why? Chances are, that like when this happened to me, you have all of these things going on 1) you are lonely 2) you have way too much free time on your hands 3) you don’t have enough of a Self, so you are looking for yourself in other people 4) you are obsessive or addicted to relationships 5) you can’t handle rejection, so to get a grip on it, you pursue who rejected you even more 6) you aren’t dating, so any man who barely crosses your path becomes your latest obsession 7) you surround yourself with other obsessive or lonely women who support your delusion because they live delusions of their own 8) your life isn’t complete, if it was, you’d have no time to latch onto imaginary relationships 9) you don’t have enough casual dating experience, so you can’t let go without painful agony 10) you are not satisfied with yourself exactly as you are, and the only thing missing in your life is a relationship.

 

Before you read another dating book, and trust me you don’t need one, because they will simply add to your sense of emptiness when you realize you are standing on your head to get a man to ask you out, please do yourself a favor, and fill up your life with YOU. Nothing stands in the way of your happiness but you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Lives of Others

Many women believe that it is a man’s fault if he isn’t giving them the kind of relationship they want, or think they deserve. If he isn’t stepping up, they waste hours analyzing him to gain a better understanding of why he can’t commit, what his issues are, what kind of woman he wants, when is he going to change? By doing that, they assume that there is something wrong with him, and they fail to realize that there is something wrong with them.

 

A Goddess is a woman who knows herself, works on herself to improve herself constantly. At a certain point, she becomes so appreciative of how far she has come, that she loves her own creation- her own life, and delights in her own company. It is at this point that she becomes a magnet for the kind of people who match her vibe.

 

I look at romantic relationships the same way I look at friendships, you attract exactly who you are right now. The people in my life reflect who I am NOW. When I meet someone who is open, loving, successful, happy, and flowing, I congratulate myself for being that. After all, a person like that would not be attracted to me, not even as a friend, if I did not match their vibe. When I meet someone who is stagnant, blocked, stubborn, stuck on the past, dependent, co-dependent, needy, lonely, unchanging, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. People like that always come back to remind me that I am now focused on something that isn’t serving me. As soon as I repair that bit of myself, I start to flow, and they disappear. We are like magnets. We attract to ourselves exactly who we are now.

 

If you are seeking to join the lives of others, it is because you don’t have a life of your own. And if no one is wanting to be a part of your life, it is because you haven’t created an attractive life for yourself. It is a long and painful process to look within, discover your own shortcomings, work on them, improve them, make changes, and to transform. Yes, it is much easier to just wait for the next relationship to come into your life. But the next one will refuse to be who you need him to be anyway, and so will the next one, and the next one.

 

If your relationships and the men in your life always follow the same pattern, always fail to launch, or fail to succeed, it has nothing to do with the man’s shortcomings. It has nothing to do with him at all, and no, it is not the world’s fault that there aren’t good single men out there. To put it bluntly, the problem is you. Are you waiting for a man so you can finally start to experience life? He isn’t coming. And that’s guaranteed. Why would he? Who are you? What kind of life have you got to offer?

 

I recently reconnected with a childhood friend, who immediately asked me why I never invite her to anything. She sees the life I have, I am always out and about, meeting new people, exposing myself to new experiences, traveling, exploring, and creating my own new reality. I replied bluntly, and I hope it sunk in, ‘Because it is time that you create your own life.’ I hate to criticize, but this is a person who has always lived through the lives of others, a woman to whom a romantic relationship is an opportunity to start to live, and for whom a new friendship is an opportunity to join someone else’s life. I remember when we were younger I was always trying to escape her, and she was always trying to follow me to whatever I was doing next. And the more she tried to join me in my own life, my travels, my explorations, my new experiences, the more I felt I was carrying her, because she just refused to grow her own feet, and find something meaningful to do on her own.

 

And, as I felt the burden of her friendship, I understood what it is like for a man to be in a relationship with her. He must provide a life for her, give her something to do, take her places, be the kind of partner she needs him to be, be her best friend, be a good companion, take care of her feelings, never hurt her, be the remedy for whatever ails her. This is in fact how most women and men view relationships- that if someone loves you, they will be all that for you. I think of this view of love as a sickness. Grown up people are trading their love in exchange for a crutch, a contract, a remedy for their shortcomings. No thanks.

 

They cannot be, without a partner. They fail to exist, without someone to validate their existence. When they have no lover, they lean on their friends for full emotional support, spiritual growth, companionship, therapy, social life, for their entire existence. In fact, most women and some men I know are just that, people seeking to live through the lives of others.

 

I have done a lot of work on myself to create the life I always wanted. It took years of blood, sweat and many tears. But I am who I am, exactly as I created myself to be, in exactly the lifestyle I always wanted. It is mine, and all mine. You want in? NO. Whether you’re a lover of a friend, I’m only interested in people who are interesting. I am not interested in carrying anyone through life, I now only want to know people who have fought as hard as I have to create their own world. Everyone who is in the same place of self-satisfaction as I am, has paid his/her dues, and appreciates the company of people who too have shed blood, launched companies, failed and failed again, suffered multiple broken hearts, and we are proud of who we are. Do we want relationships with warriors like us, or with damsels who want us to carry them on our backs?
 

Yes, I said good bye to many friends who refused to let go of my coat tails, to start anew many times over. And I will do so again, and again, and never look back. I am not sorry. I am always growing myself, changing myself and my knees are always scraped and my heart is always healing from a new wound. I am okay with that, because I earn the good and the bad in my life. You want to be a part of this? You have to have done a lot of work on yourself, and not look to me to fix you, guide you, or coddle you.

 

You want to be a part of my life? Show me the life you have created for yourself. Want someone to show you compassion, guidance, or wisdom? Hire a therapist or a guru, because I am not in business to guiding you through life.  Do you want my personal time? If I give you 30 minutes over a cocktail, your company better be greater than I could have had by myself. Sorry if you think I’m being cold, but I now have a life that is very valuable to me. I spend it with friends and lovers who have full lives of their own. Each has something to match my own accomplishments. I share my full life with people who are also complete.

 

And this circles back to your relationships, and why you don’t have the kind of person in your life you are so sure you deserve. You are not the kind of person he wants. Plain and simple. No, it isn’t that he can’t see straight, or needs you to teach him the kind of man he can be. He is not interested in the life you have to offer. It looks just like the life of any other girl waiting for her life to begin. From his vantage point, you may have a closet full of shoes and designer outfits, but you have nothing of interest to him. And you look exactly the same as any other damsel who is waiting, and waiting, and waiting to fill her emptiness with him.  If I was a man, I would want no part of that, and as a friend, I want no part of that either. I want friends who I can learn from, grow from, and say good-bye to, without having to chop off their fingers as they are hanging onto the hem of my skirt.

 

Go on, live your own life. If you don’t have one, then build it. Stop waiting for a man for your life to begin, and stop looking to me, to let you have a piece of mine. If you think you have a life, and no one is knocking on your door, it is because no one wants to be a part of it. That’s okay, keep building. You will never be enough for someone who has a better life already, and it is okay to have a long way to go.

 

As you keep building, you will see that more invitations are coming your way from people who like what you have built. If you don’t stop, the people knocking on your door will be better, and better creators of their own lives. You will soon develop a taste for better people, and become much more discerning about who you let into your life. When you have built a glorious palace, everyone will try to get in, and that’s when you will have to get a stronger lock on your door. That’s okay, keep building anyway. You will see, that the kind of man you want will be the owner of an equally matching palace, and the kind of friends you dream of, will only want to be a part of your life, when you have built one that is as attractive as theirs.

 

 

 

 

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Ecstatically Child Free

Somewhere around the age of three, I knew for sure that I was going to be independent and child free. Not because I don’t like children, but somehow I knew that my life was going to be about something else. Of course at three, I had no clue what that might be, but I knew that motherhood and domesticity were not for me.

Like any child who knows exactly what she wants, I was informed by my elders that I don’t know what I want, and that surely when I grew more intelligent, I too would find validation and eternal happiness in motherhood. One thing was certain, I was adamantly persistent in my quest to remain child-free.

As a forty four year woman, I am ecstatically happy to have remained child free. I have made many mistakes in my life, none of which I regretted because each was a learning experience that made me more confident in who I am. Being childless was not a mistake, in fact it is my proudest achievement. Here s why.

I never knew what I wanted in life, except a few things that I was sure of. I was going to be independent, free, unburdened, and my life was going to be one glorious adventure. Having no firm career aspirations, and plenty of impressive degrees, I was always qualified to take charge and lead no matter what the situation, but grueling hard work, and domesticity were to be avoided at all costs. My education afforded me plenty of Vice Presidencies, and small business ownerships, the purpose of which was to maintain my sense of freedom and adventure, not to build a nest egg and settle down.

At twenty six, contrary to my doubts and inner suspicions, I got married to a fun, adventuresome, soul mate who wanted nothing more than to have fun like me. Had his goal been to settle down and have babies, I would have run in the opposite direction. But since like me, he too wanted to simply live life gloriously, we embarked on one excellent adventure together. We were young, we were best friends, and we wanted nothing to do with responsibility. We lived well, in fact we lived very well. I wish most young college graduates embark on a life of ecstatic adventure, rather than a life of drudgery, which is why I am such a huge fan of millennials.

We lived royally. Armed with solid educations, impressive degrees and two six figure incomes, we lived all over the world, traveled far, drank fine champagne, saw the sun rise from exotic, far off beaches, and I am here to state to everyone, NO we had no regrets. While our friends were busy pro creating, signing mortgages and buying mini vans, we were referred to as greedy, restless yuppies who were sure to crash and burn and live empty lives. On the contrary, we never paid attention to what they said of us, and lived every day like there is no tomorrow. I can’t tell you how many times friends and critics assured us that we were destined for a life of sad, pathetic, emptiness, only to be offended by our permanent ecstasy, and being in a permanent state of bliss.

And then, we returned to this country to settle down. Regrettably, that was my idea. To this day I have no clue why I wanted it, because now I yearn to get back into my saddle and ride off into the sunset once again. But, we bought a house in the city, two fancy cars, and though we had no intention of birthing anything, thought that we could still travel and have fun. But, this is how we settled into a life of what we don’t want. Surrounded by mother-in-laws, mini vans, and critics who just wanted to give us a friendly reminder that the way to eternal happiness was car-pools, PTA meetings, and marriage counseling, we quickly found ourselves surrounded by the very people who will discourage you from life. I wish we had the sense to sell the house and move on. But no, we gave into that pressure, and as much as we loved each other, decided that it was time we go our separate ways.

Make no mistake, I have no regrets about getting a divorce. I appreciate the 15 amazing years of fun, love and international adventure, but now was a time to get to know myself, explore, stand on my own two feet, and fall in love with life all over again.

Broke and penniless, I decided to give myself a one year vacation from responsibility, so that I can recover from divorce and find my own direction. Was I happy to be child free? You bet! My girlfriends were eager to point out that had I had a child, I would be guaranteed a life of financial support, and wanted to know if I now was sorry to have had no children. But knowing that this was not what I wanted for myself turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am living proof that a divorced woman can be better than ever. I tell anyone who wants to hear it that freedom is the ultimate luxury, and being beholden to no one but myself was the greatest gift I ever received. I now had the freedom to explore my sexuality in the way a woman just can’t do with a husband. I discovered that contrary to the garbage that the media feeds single women, there are plenty of fish in the sea, especially the young, sexy, gorgeous ones with the stamina of a stallion. I started to travel the world, push boundaries that single, unprotected women should not push alone while abroad, and I am here to tell you, just do it!

I could not have done any of this with children in tow. But along the road I encountered many women who could do just that, and I am always impressed. I have been single for seven years, have been proposed to four times, said no thank you four times, and am now recovering from a breakup from yet another beautiful soul. Have I got regrets? None. I live the way I want to live, surrounded by amazing friends, beautiful, sexy younger men, champagne, exotic vacations, and having done a lot of work on my own self and building a complete life, I have never been lonely. Being child free has not left me feeling empty, unfulfilled, or alone. In fact, most of my girlfriends rely on therapy and pills in order to fill the gaping hole that was supposed to be filled by a litter of children and a balding husband. I realized that bearing children is just a biological function, it is not and cannot be fulfillment. That comes on working on yourself, facing inner demons, breaking boundaries, learning, exploring, chasing and catching dreams, but not from settling into a suburban coma of trips to the mall, and play dates.

What do I want next? More life on my own terms. Do I want another husband? I’m not sure yet. I have reached a point where my life is very full, overflowing in fact. I love my lovers, and it is nice when a relationship reaches that comfort level that we all aspire to. But I have never needed a marriage contract, and certainly not with someone who believes in settling.

What is gratifying is knowing that I have lived my life on my own terms. That knowing that motherhood is not for me, and that unwillingness to compromise myself just to attain a marriage contract or stability is exactly the reason that I am complete. Had I compromised, I know I would have been miserable, and would have regretted not listening to my own inner voice. We are all here to live the life we want, and knowing that is exactly what brings fulfillment in life. Living by the book, or other people’s expectations is exactly what brings misery.

Don’t get me wrong, I love children. Other people’s children can be delightful. I love to squeeze them, giggle with them, spoil them, but what I enjoy most is walking away from them. I love having the freedom to go to my own home, which is quiet, peaceful, warm and clean, indulge in my own glass of fine wine, and invite whoever I want to come over. Is that selfish? Maybe, but I live a life of no regrets.

I recently ran into my ex husband. He too set off on his own course, and I am happy to report that he is now more successful than ever. But, he settled down, and he regrets that. I wish nothing but the best for him, as I am still grateful for the adventure he gave me. But, his life is nothing how he imagined. He married the first woman he went on a date with. She had a child from a previous marriage, and soon they had a child of their own. Now he is a dad, living in suburbia, enjoying baseball games and hot dogs, rather than midnight sails along Victoria Harbor, or waking up to watch the sun rise on the beaches of Phuket. Is he sorry? He admits it. Though neither of us is sorry for the divorce (it was time for each of us to move on), he is sorry to have compromised. He too wanted a child free lifestyle, and to live on his own terms. But, he compromised. And he is now thinking about divorcing again.

Life is all about living on one’s own terms, and completion is all about attaining that for yourself. How many of us put aside our own dreams, to follow the prescription for life other’s have envisioned for us? Living on someone else’s terms is the road to regret.

Again, I have no problem with other people’s choices, as long as they are their own. What hurts is watching women conform to the lives their parents lived, compromise their dreams to find a half-way point to the dreams of their man, settle into the illusion that the marriage contract provides security, when it is exactly what keeps you bound to one spot.

I am not bragging, and as narcissistic as you may think I am, I am simply a human, who stuck to her own guns and has not regretted it. I do not fear life, and no, women who choose to be child free are not lonely. We find more time to work on expanding ourselves, exploring the world, shedding our fears and have the luxury of trying new things and constantly evolving. Is that so bad?

Where am I going next? I never know, but I am okay with that. I have lived in the same city for seven years, and am ready to check out another part of the globe. The soul mate I recently broke up with, wants is to get back together and try living in his home country. I am cool with that. I need a fresh perspective, a change of scenery, new challenges, a new language, and another excellent adventure.

To the young ones, just setting out in life, here is my advice. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. You were born knowing who you are, and what you want. It isn’t wrong to live irresponsibly, unaccountably, nor to chase your dreams across the globe. It is only wrong to give in to their pressure, settle for a life half lived, then criticize those who live just as you dreamed.

As always, no apologies, no regrets.

S

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Goddess Worship: An Affair With Myself

If you are like many women today, you are actively pursuing a goal of self-development.  And if you are just starting on your path, you have probably heard liking yourself, in fact, loving yourself, is the key to getting in touch with your inner Goddess, awakening her, turning her on.

Self-love is nothing new, in fact, it has been around for centuries. But we are just waking up to the fact, that self-love has been hidden from women for centuries, for fear that a woman in love with herself is somehow too witchy, too confident, self-possessed, cold, and in some cultures, demonic. It has never been astonishing to encounter a man who loved himself, loved his work, loved his pursuits, loved his many lovers, and loved life. In fact, that has always been the most ideal man.

Societies have feared self-loving women since the dawn of mankind. A woman who loved herself, who was connected to her inner Goddess, was called many names, none of which were kind. A good woman, even by today’s standards, is one who set aside loving herself in favor of loving others more. A good mother, must love her children more than she loves herself. A good wife, puts her husband first. Tradition, scriptures, even marriage manuals advise that a woman must invest in her husband, her marriage and her relationship more than she invests in herself.

Thus today, I spend more time unteaching women, and discouraging them from investing in their relationships. You see, two thousand years of women not knowing they are Gods, has lead many to believe that a relationship with another person leads to happiness, when in fact, a relationship with herself is the key to her power.

Though we are slowly coming awake, and starting to get to know ourselves, I am often dismayed to find out that the reason many women invest in themselves is because they believe that investment will pay a dividend- a man, a husband, a relationship.

Though my power lies inside myself and unleashing that inner Goddess both men and women fear, and though my success in dating comes from that very place, I have stopped, in fact I promise, I will never teach or guide a woman on how to catch and retain a man. Let this be your fair warning, my seminars, workshops and coaching will never address that subject. If you would like to know how to disempower yourself, stand on your head and properly text your way into a human connection, by all means buy another dating manual, subscribe to another online course. This is not what The Goddess Principles is, and never will be.

The Goddess Principles concept is for women who now who they are, they know what they want, they make no apologies for it. Sure, Goddesses are both married and single, neither is better than another. We all recognize one has made a choice to marry, while the other chose to stay independent. That said, finding a man, retaining a man, and figuring out how to legally bond ourselves to one, is never our concern.

Our foundation is based upon women loving themselves, simply for the sake of love and nothing else. We know, that our power to shape our lives and live them exactly how we desire lies inside of us, not outside. We focus on growing ourselves for our own sake, and self-love is the core of who a Goddess is.

Self love is a principle long hidden from humanity, especially from women. For centuries, we have been warned against it, punished for it, even burned at the stake. Women who dared to find out, or worse, practice it have been called by all kinds of names. Even today, a woman who loves herself shamelessly, unapologetically, hedonistically, openly is referred to as a whore, a bitch, a narcissist, etc.

In fact, those ancient, secret societies we all hear about, were founded upon the principles of Goddess worship, as they knew, but never revealed to the masses, that woman is God, and that the key to any man’s success, is waking up that aspect of a woman that bestows upon him (if she is pleased) ultimate success.

Though it has been hidden from females, and practiced fervently by very successful men, the practice has been bastardized, twisted around, distorted beyond all recognition of woman worship. Without going into history, my goal is to teach women how to access that power within. For, if she wakes up that aspect of her inner self, there is nothing she can’t do, and nothing she can’t have. That power has always been within women only, discovered by very few, and understandably kept secret.

I disclose, not every woman can access this power. We all have the Goddess within, most will never tap into her, majority might get a glimpse, then quickly look the other way out of fear. That is okay. I can neither force her out of you, nor can I talk you out of decades of your own repression, resistance and judgement.

In my talks and meeting many such women, I see that they come from two types of backgrounds. She was either that kid who refused to listen, rebelled against everything, didn’t play the sugar and spice and everything nice role very well. She was that girl who could say No, and mean it, has punched a boy or two in her life, allowed herself sex simply for the experience and refused to accept guilt. Or, she was that woman who always knew that there was more, the one who understood that there is something inside her, and through her own, independent, solitary path, discovered her ability to quiet the mind, enjoy its stillness, and tap into that energy that lay dormant inside her since childhood. You see we are all born with it, but parents, school, and society extinguish that flame before the age 1.

So what I teach here is how to love yourself. If I could have one wish for you, it is to do it shamelessly, greedily, glutonously, unapologetically, ravenously, proudly and fearlessly. And step one is to simply stare in the mirror, smile, blush, and see that the Goddess is absolutely beautiful. She has nothing to feel ashamed of. The only shame is in not worshiping herself. That is the only pathetic woman there is.

S

 

 

 

 

 

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Do You Need a Mentor, or Do You Study Champions?

Who is mentoring you? Why? What was your intent behind finding a mentor?

Before you choose one, think wisely who this person is, and what they have accomplished? Have they achieved where you want to be? No one can teach you how to be more than they are themselves. Their ceiling, is your ceiling.

I urge women not to look for mentors, but more importantly to find champions. There can be a tendency for the word mentor to sound like taking someone under your wing. I am a naturally action-oriented person who feels there is far too much coddling in the world and too little doing. So I urge you to find champions because champions are people who make sh*t happen for themselves.

Find a person who doesn’t quit. Find that person who doesn’t take No for an answer. Find the one who moves forward despite what others think. Find that person who does not back down. When you find her, don’t twist her arm into mentoring you. If she is as focused and single minded as she needs to be to succeed, she will politely say No.

Instead, stay close and pay attention to what she is doing. Respectfully keep enough distance to not get in her way, but watch her focus, her drive, her moves.

If you still need someone to hold your hand, know that this is not the work for a champion. A winner cannot win with others latched on.

If you are serious about success, hire and pay for a coach. They are trained to guide you along, but not be your crutch. Study winners, champions and doers. Emulate them, live and breathe like them. But don’t make your progress dependent on their ability to guide you along, and never expect someone to be responsible for you. That is not their job, it is always yours.

In life, there are winners and there are losers. The difference is simple. Winners are single minded, focused, determined to get what they want. They make their success dependent solely on themselves. Sure they study others, ask for advice, and take it only from the best. But they make themselves solely responsible for achieving what they want.

There are others who have a goal, and would much appreciate success, but don’t want to do it alone. They spend time looking for someone to advise them, guide them, inspire them, preferably join a club of others who too, don’t want to do it on their own. They would very much like it, if someone would be kind enough to lead them to success, show them how its done, cry with them when it isn’t working, share their failures. We all fail, that is a fact of life. But how we get up and move on, separates the champions from the wannabes.

When we fail, some of us get back up, reformulate our action plans, and try again. Others grab onto someone else’s hand, look around to see if a hug will be offered to them, if someone will commiserate with them, rehash their pains and analyze their failures, only to look again towards others for that encouragement they need to try again. Which category do you fall into?

The reason I encourage you to find a champion rather than a mentor is that there is a difference in mentality between someone who is looking toward others, and someone fully prepared to do it on her own. A mentee will always be looking for guidance, a champion will take action all by herself.

Here is another characteristic of someone thirsty for success. She is serious enough to pay for whatever it takes to get there. Whether she is paying for education to acquire new skills, or paying a coach for a bit of fine tuning, a woman serious about her progress will generously, abundantly, willingly and gratefully pay for someone’s time. The one who is not looking to succeed, but someone willing to walk the path with her, will most likely look for a mentor, an advisor willing to work for free, a shoulder to cry on, someone to reaffirm her desires as well as shoulder her pains.
In my career, and in my current work for TheGoddessPrinciples I am inundated with calls from women looking for guidance and inspiration. I started this project for that very reason, to kick the driven woman in the butt, show her that she can do whatever she wants, and live exactly how she pleases. I love the feedback I get from them, as it confirms that I am doing something that matters.
But in this process, I can’t tell you how many times people have asked to talk to me on the phone, connect with me socially, or simply get to know me. I am one of those people who can pick up the phone, tap into a person, and lift them up with only a few words. I have the ability to see inside people, identify their blocks and inspire them to be a lot more than they think they can be. Here is what I have learned by giving my time away for free.
People who rely on the kindness of others to get them through life, are looking for someone to rely on for the rest of their life. They are not looking for good advice, they are looking for continued advice. They are not looking to do hard work on themselves, they are looking for you to show them you care by doing work on them.  If you are serious about your own success, eventually you learn you can’t make others successful for them. You can succeed on your own, then let them watch and emulate. Those who are ready to do the work, will get up and do it.
And this is why I don’t like mentorship, even though every business book parrots the concept. I see a huge difference between women who need a mentor, and women who study champions. One is looking for a crutch, emotional support and an unpaid guide. The other, is looking for the fastest course toward results. One balks at paying for it, the other will pay any price because she knows success isn’t free.

S

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Why a Woman Should Never Compromise for a Man

Today’s post was inspired by a video one of my fellow Goddesses posted in our private Facebook group. If you are a woman who can handle opinions drastically different than her own, without judgment or vitriol, and would love to join our open discussions, please check out the group’s rules, and join.

WATCH VIDEO

It has always been my opinion that women compromise way too much in relationships, and thus compromise away their integrity and their self-respect. When I speak about this particular subject, the men who read my posts (65% of my blog readers are men), agree with my opinion almost a 100%. It is usually the women who make a heated argument FOR compromise, as a way to keep a relationship healthy and moving forward.

So, Eartha’s interview is really close to my heart for several reasons. For one, it truly reflects my own attitude, and also, it is the key to my being a Goddess, and my dating and relationship success. This is the one lesson I always have trouble getting through women’s heads, but is truly at the core of who a Goddess is.

Who is the Goddess?? She is a woman who lives her life by her own rules. She enjoys life fully, and every aspect of it, simply because she lives on her own terms. Her career is focused, her relationships are abundant, and she OWNS her own sexuality (she does not trade it away). The Goddess is that irresistible woman who can commands armies of men, eager to serve her. No, she does not use men for anything at all. She is that magnetic creature for whom men want to do everything, just for the opportunity to be in her presence. In relationships, she always maintains her own space, her integrity, her self-respect. She will never compromise those things that make her the Goddess away. She loves freely, deeply, passionately, but her philosophy on relationships is “Letting Go”, and not holding on to anything too tightly. She always maintains an open door policy, and by that, very few men can afford to leave. Her goal in life is not to secure a male’s commitment, but to always be personally fulfilled and ecstatic.

Eartha Kitt is a total Goddess. Her interview, and the answer to the question if she would compromise if she met a man who gave her a relationship is answered beautifully! With a huge laugh. That was my reaction exactly when I heard this.

com·pro·mise  : To accept standards that are lower than desired.

Women have been taught from a young age that compromise is key to securing a relationship with a man. I teach the opposite, that the very first time a woman shows she is willing to compromise, she has just signed a death sentence to that relationship and pandered away her self-respect. If she is able to keep that relationship by compromising, she becomes a slave to his whims, leaves the ball in his court enabling him to decide where the relationship goes and when, and thus she makes it clear that he is more important than her. And unfortunately, this is how most women go through relationships, always running after that dangling carrot of commitment. No thanks.

A woman with integrity, is focused on one thing only- maintaining her self-respect. Nothing matters more. The very first time a man implies that my compromise will be necessary if I hope to keep him, he gets the same reaction from me that you just got from Eartha Kitt. A loud cackle, with a sympathetic smile “Oh dear boy, what makes you think I will be keeping you?”

By not compromising, I maintain the ball always in my court. Sure, I hit the ball back, but only when I am sure he is the one I want to play ball with. I maintain that throughout the entire dating process or relationship. I am always evaluating whether he meets my standards, only hitting the ball back when I want to see more from him. Sure, the ball drops often, very often. But I am never concerned about keeping the man, only my standards.

This sounds rough to most women, and I admit 90% never make it past step one. When I exchange emails with my male followers, they too express their frustration and hope to one day meet a woman who cares about her integrity more than she cares to have the relationship. Men agree, that women are too eager to compromise themselves and their personal needs, and their interest fades as soon as they notice her lack of self-respect.

This is why I tell women to absolutely never read dating advice, as each book or columnists touts the importance of compromise. It is no surprise that two weeks in a relationship, most women are standing on their heads wondering when is that ideal moment to reply to his text, whether she is supposed to pretend to be busy and reject a Saturday night date, and always pretend to have other options. Compromising women usually have no other options, and most men know that. When a woman compromises, she reaches a certain point where she just can’t sink any lower to please a man. At a certain point, she is a doormat, and she got to his doorstep by compromising. It is too late to raise her standards now, he already witnessed how little she respects herself.

Dating and relationships for me, serve one purpose only, and that is to evaluate throughout the entire process how well this person complements my lifestyle, how well he fits with my personal goals, and whether I am growing or whether I am shrinking in this process. I don’t ever consider commitment because there is no way to know before 1 year has passed whether he qualifies for it.

Some call this selfish, but it is a sign of personal integrity and a deep self respect.  Women criticize me that I am too harsh on men, and that being so selfish will never get me into a marriage. If that is the price of marriage, I say, no thanks. I have been wed before, and though it was a beautiful experience, I learned too much from compromising myself for the sake of maintaining a happy marriage. I will never do that again. Either I will find a man who is in sync with me (the only man worth waiting for), or I will enjoy a few of the 73 men who are constantly buzzing around me waiting for my attention.

What most mortal women don’t realize, is that even if they don’t consider themselves Goddesses, they still are the prize in any relationship. They waste too much time chasing relationships, rather than being chased. All women are eager to find out how to always be chased by men, but very few are capable of maintaining the one standard that ensures that- her integrity. Almost always, she signs that away the very first time she is asked to compromise for him.

There are two kinds of men out there. Strong men, and weak men. Both always dream of finding that one woman who is not a doormat, the woman they can shower with affection, admiration, and respect. Both kinds of men are insecure. That is okay. But strong men prove their strength when they are turned on by her integrity, and her unwillingness to compromise. This is the point when they crave more of her. Weak men balk that this woman has standards, and almost always insist that she drops them if she wants to go further in the relationships. What these men maintain is that they are the prize, and that she should be striving to earn them.

There are two kinds of women out there, Goddesses and mortals. All men want the Goddess, very few qualify. The ones who do, are turned on by her integrity, in fact, they are always eager to find out more about her. It is almost as if they don’t believe that a woman will be able to maintain her integrity for long, and are watching for signs that she will compromise herself away, even just a little.  I have been tested multiple times. Almost every man is intrigued when I say exactly what I think, say no when I am not pleased, demonstrate that I cannot be bought with money, and walk away when his actions do not meet my standards.  And they keep testing, the tests never end. All through the relationship, he wants to know whether I will buckle. They dangle commitment carrots in front of me, and I never bite. They dangle diamond rings in front of me, and I say no thanks. I won’t compromise myself for a rock. And this is what it takes to maintain an army of men.

As I said before, my biggest critics are women, not men. That is okay. The women who see that integrity always works in my favor, are the ones crawling out of long, painful relationships and marriages, where they sank too low too fast, and are now trying to rebuild. For them, I have great admiration, because I know that once a woman decides to rebuild her self respect as opposed to rebuild a relationship, she is well on her way to becoming a total Goddess.  Most are surprised that uncompromising integrity really works, and are in a state of disbelief when they see how well men respond to it. Like me, they are constantly being tested by their men, but that is simply a sign the men are addicted to her.

And once the men declare their loyalty to the Goddess, trust me they are going nowhere. She is that one in a million they have been searching all their lives for, and will slay dragons and crawl across ditches to keep her.

To all those women who think that my uncompromising attitude is too harsh, I only have proof to show for it. I cannot convince them that personal integrity is key to happiness, most think that commitments, diamond rings, and marriage contracts are far more worthy. That is until they see how many men are fighting for my attention at all times. I do not use these men, I am never cruel, always classy, in fact, I never ever take anything from them. A Goddess does not use men, she is not for sale. She always has their attention by being classy, kind, a good friend. I do not mess with men’s minds or play with their emotions. A Goddess does not manipulate. I state clearly if I am not interested, and don’t accept free drinks from men I don’t want. I always pay my own way, demonstrating that my attention is not for sale.

Eartha Kitt’s statement about compromise really hit the nail on the head. A statement like that likely got her a lot of criticism from both men and women. I am sure she was okay with that.  The few women who have the guts to stand up for themselves and refuse to compromise away their integrity, are ahead of their times, and total Goddesses in my book.  Over the years, I have amassed a nice circle of Goddesses I now call my friends. We exchange ideas, fan each others’ flames, travel together, and always push each other forward. Our motto is: No apologies, No regrets.

S

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