The Signals Women Send To Attract Toxic Men

How do we attract unhealthy, incomplete, disrespectful men? What signal are we sending them to let them know we are their unhealthy match?

 

There’s the obvious answer- we too are incomplete and lack full respect for ourselves. But, there’s more to this than the obvious. In the past, I have said that these unhealthy relationships serve a purpose- they educate us about who we truly are, and push us to keep trying to honor ourselves. A relationship, good or bad, is never about the other person, it is about who am I now in relation to this situation, can I now make better choices for myself, how can I honor my self and my inner voice more?

 

We attract unhealthy relationships when we are disconnected from our true self, and when we are using another person as a substitute for finding happiness within. We all know people who cannot be happy or complete, unless the other completes them or unless the other strives to make them happy. Those relationships are obviously doomed. But sometimes, we aren’t conscious that we lack a connection to our true self. It isn’t obvious that we are not devoted to our self, until the other person triggers us to make a choice that dishonors us, and honors him (or her) instead. That moment when we choose the other over our inner truth, or over our true self, is the moment we have dishonored the Goddess within. That is exactly when we fall off our pedestal and become a slave to  the relationship.

 

This is why it is extremely important to always be working on ourselves. There is never really a time when we are finished, when we have shaped ourselves into an ideal self, and can rest knowing that we are now ready for our perfect counterpart. None of us ever reach perfection nor completion. The world is constantly changing, so are life’s circumstances, and the minute we stop working on ourselves someone comes along to show us how we are slacking.

 

Often women stop working on their inner self, when there is a new relationship to focus on. Somehow, this relationship becomes a goal, and they shift focus from within to another person. But, by shifting our energy from ourselves to someone else, we send a signal to the other person that we are emotionally ready to give, give, give attention. We are demonstrating that he has all our attention, that he is more important than our connection to ourselves, we pour our energy into him or chasing the relationship, long before he has proven himself as worthy. This is the signal an unhealthy man needs from a woman- I will give you, I will honor you, I will earn you, I will chase you, you are more important to me than my self-respect. Her shift in focus from herself to him is that signal, “I am your toxic match”. He is looking for energy, and she is up and ready to pour it into him.

 

When you are disconnected from your inner goddess, and you are out there dating and relating, you are only going to attract those harsh lessons and relationships that are meant to guide you back to yourself. Have you noticed that after every crash and burn relationship, after the pain has subsided, there is always that period of rediscovery, realignment, reconnecting to the self? For some women it is very brief, they feel empowered finding new meaning to life, and then they question their singleness and start chasing relationships again. And for other women, they relish that heightened connection, and seek more time with themselves because there is power in that realignment with the self.

 

Those bad relationships are not going to last, they are just indicators that you have to get back into yourself and keep learning. These relationships are showing you that you are neglecting yourself. You have transferred your power to the relationship. You have dishonored yourself. Keep learning girl.

 

When you refuse to protect your energy, to make yourself important, when you refuse to choose your honor, when you refuse to focus on your health and your self-respect, the world will push you around to show you exactly where your weaknesses lie. Bad men don’t eat good girls for lunch, men have very little power compared to wise women and Goddesses. Women who refuse to make their inner self a top priority are like a ball being kicked around a soccer field. Their focus is on who is pushing them around now, instead of who is on the inside.

 

Why was my divorce such a powerful experience? Because it forced me back to myself. In my marriage, I was more respectful of my ex than I was of myself, I was more giving to him than to me, and the relationship was a priority. After separation, I became my top priority and started giving myself everything I always wanted. I started to make all my own wishes come true. I became a hedonist, I started to enjoy life like never before. And once I started honoring myself, and get comfortable with being selfish, I started to feel very powerful.

 

What are some signs that you might be disconnected from yourself?  You know something is imbalanced when there is no peace within you without a relationship, or if you are in one, managing the relationship is more important than managing your inner self. Somehow you believe that if you negotiate, communicate, acquiesce, compromise more, you will feel better within the relationship. You won’t, you will only feel more peaceful if you realign with yourself. Another sign is that you are obsessing over a man or a relationship. An obsession is an addiction. An addiction is a deep focus on something outside yourself. When you feel hungry for a man or a relationship it is because there is an emptiness within.

 

These bad connections with men, family and friends, are simply your indicators that something is wrong within you. These bad connections are not meant to stay in your life, so please don’t focus on keeping them. Instead, look for repeating patters, what toxic situations these people keep bringing to your doorstep, then understand that what needs to change is you and your way of dealing with them. If you constantly keep dealing with selfish people’s demands by sacrificing yourself for their benefit, and waiting for a reward of loyalty or commitment, you are the problem. Stop sacrificing yourself for other people.

 

You will continue to attract unhealthy people and unsatisfying relationships as long as you refuse to fix yourself. And you will see results and soon as you figure out that you should be choosing you.

 

I used to be a very bad communicator, I worried that I would hurt people’s feelings, disappoint them, be accused of being mean, so I rarely stood up for myself and expressed my true feelings, instead I bottled them up inside. That turned me into a pressure cooker of anxiety and panic attacks, which would often explode in uncontrollable anger and truly inflict pain on people. I couldn’t effectively communicate to tell them how their behavior was dishonoring me, so I would wait until the explosion shattered them to pieces, then feel bad that I inflicted more pain than necessary. The more I bottled up my feelings and refused to speak my truth, the more I kept attracting people who made me angry but also triggered me into keeping my mouth shut.

 

I recently traveled with a person who was an energy vampire. At first she was nice, but after a while I noticed that she was making attempts to manipulate me into giving her sympathy, when that didn’t work, she tried kissing my ass, when that didn’t work she pulled stunts to get attention, etc. Finally she asked, what will it take for me to earn your friendship? Don’t you feel sorry for me? I said openly and honestly “No, I will not be your friend. I see that you are unhealthy, and I don’t want to be sucked into a relationship with you”.  I didn’t feel guilty for finally speaking my truth, and choosing to honor myself than coddle her feelings. This is how I chose myself. It felt really good to speak clearly, inoffensively and close that door firmly.

 

I noticed that once I started communicating more directly and more honestly with people, they started to respect me and my time more. The more you honor yourself, the more others will honor you, and the more those pesky relationships will become a thing of the past.

 

Once you start to bypass those difficult and uncomfortable relationships, you start to see through people because once upon a time you were just like them.  They are an old lesson learned, you don’t need to stick your finger into their toxic soup to know their acid burns.

 

However, if you are finding yourself sucked into bad connections over and over again, then the pull is simply a lesson left unlearned. Your umbilical cord to that toxic situation was never cut, that’s why you fee that relationship so deeply, so strongly, it is like you are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. This is why people go through multiple marriages repeating the same cycle over and over again, they are with a different partner in that same exact pattern. They don’t see how they have laid out the pattern themselves. These cycles never end until you roll up your sleeves and start to do the work on your inner self, not on external relationships.

 

Unfortunately, effective change usually happens when people are worn out, they are tired and have given up. What happens when they give up trying to fix bad people, and bad relationships? There’s nothing left to focus on outside themselves, so they go within, often against their own will. They fall into depression, they become disenchanted with relationships, they face their inner demons, they have nothing left to face but their inner self.

 

Hindus and Buddhists believe that depression serves a deep spiritual purpose. It is a lifelong habit of refusing to address the self, triggered by an event or incident that sends us into an deep abyss, a darkness that we have to walk through until we shed the ego, face our inner demons, find acceptance, find peace. It is a natural part of life, but also the most painful period anyone could experience facing themselves. Only the strong survive, and only those who have done the inner work will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those who walk out of that darkness (without drugs, having worked on themselves) feel more powerful than ever, when they finally surface. They have found their true self and accepted it, flaws and all. There is no more powerful experience than facing your true self, realizing who you were meant to be all along.

 

Having been through it, and having found my way out of that darkness all by myself, I can truly say that I am grateful for the experience, and that I am much more powerful as a result. I will write about it more later, it has taken me a couple of years to truly process that period and see how it shaped me.

 

But, if you are wondering what signal you are sending to unhealthy men that attracts them to you, it is your easy shift in focus away from yourself into them. Women are trained to give energy to everybody on demand. We pay attention to whoever is trying to get our attention, good or bad. We pay attention and give energy to men, even when we have no personal interest in that man.  If your energy flows to any random man simply because he is asking for it, you have a problem staying focused on yourself.

 

If I can get you to drop working on yourself, compromise your beliefs, and start paying attention to me just by offering you dinner or a drink, you’re too easy. You just dropped yourself in exchange for a date. Work on yourself. A date should be of no value at all, what is of true value is a man who has done as much inner work on himself and evolved as far as you have. The only way you can recognize him is to always be aware of yourself. When your focus is on your energy, you will easily spot people who are a match to your energy. When your focus is on your peace, you will easily notice whether his inner peace matches your own. You won’t fall so easily for a mere distraction, you will know when the offer is real.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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Karma is The Essence of You

Karma. Many people hope and prey that karma will bite someone else in the ass, as revenge for pain they have suffered at the hands of other people. Karma is not punishment. Karma will not discipline your ex for breaking up with you. Karma will not hurt anyone other than you. Karma is your own, it belongs to only you. Therefore, it is 100% up to you to deal with and clear your own karma. You cannot inflict karma onto other people.

 

What is karma? Karma is just an energy of our own beliefs, perceptions, judgments, feelings, and limitations. Karma can be positive when we let go of our judgments, tweak our perceptions, forgive those who have hurt us, work on our feelings, change beliefs that don’t serve us, and move on. This is the process of clearing our own karmic debt. It is work that we do on ourselves for a lifetime. It doesn’t matter how you work on it, with the help of a psychologist, priest, spiritual advisor, or alone. What matters is that you accept responsibility for your own karma, and know that it is solely up to you whether and how you want to clear it.

 

Karma can also be negative. When we hang onto anger, guilt, shame, judgment, fear, resentment, past issues, we are also hanging onto negative energy. That negative energy is ours, 100%. A lot of people are resistant to admitting that bad energy is theirs, and spend lifetimes hating and judging other people. They perceive the problem as outside of themselves. In thinking that it is the other person’s fault, they are failing to release anger and any negative energy associated with their past, and they carry that karmic debt, their negative emotions with them throughout their lives. Eventually that karmic debt grows and compounds like interest on a credit card. They now carry the burden of negative karmic energy of a lifetime of unresolved issues, anger and emotions.

 

Regardless of your spiritual or non-spiritual background, you have to deal with unresolved issues, false beliefs, and your own bad energy. In eastern philosophies, those negative energies, compounded over many years will cause physical and emotional illness. In the west, we see them as emotional and psychological problems, that again, should be dealt with, not inflicted on other people.

 

But karma cannot punish your ex boyfriend. If your ex has cleared his own energies, beliefs and issues, then his beliefs about love and healthy relationships will only benefit him. He will go on to find someone who suits him better. He will enjoy his dating life. Karma can only bring you more of what You believe to be true for yourself. Think of karma like a magnet. It will match you up to exactly those things you believe in, and repeat situations over and over again, because you have not resolved them within yourself.

 

If you are wondering, why am I always being cheated on? Why am I always dating crazy men? Why am I always clashing with people in my work environment or getting fired? Why am I always experiencing repeated financial loss? Why is my body always in pain? Why is my family always against me? Those answers lie within you. Any situation that repeats itself is your clue as to what is going on within you, what issues and feelings you have got to resolve, and always, forgive, forgive, forgive. Forgiveness is the release of any burdens you have carried with you from the past.

 

Have you ever heard of stories of people forgiving their oppressor? That mother who forgave her daughter’s killer then paid for his education, that rape victim who forgave, that atrocity survivor who realized she doesn’t want to live like a victim for the rest of her life, and went on to help others heal and forgive. Those are people who released their emotional burdens and cleared their own karma. The reason they were later able to live positive and healthy lives is because they found a way to forgive and release, then replace those negative feelings of anger, fear, judgment with positive ones of love, understanding, and peace.

 

Karma is your own work. No one can clear it for you. You may seek the help of a professional and that is always helpful, But, you must accept the responsibility for your own karmic debt. You can’t expect your therapist to do the work for you, you can’t expect your guru to enlighten you, you can’t expect people in your life to adjust themselves to your state of mind. The work is all on you.

 

Karma is not punishment from God, the universe, nor whatever philosophy your believe in. Karma is it’s own punishment. If you hold on to negative energy and beliefs, that karma will only hurt you. That karmic pain is not God’s judgment, instead it is your indicator, your mirror, your tool, your signal to change yourself. We all know that living in negative energy feels like hell. That hell is your own creation. You chose to stay stuck on a concept, a situation, or a feeling, and as a result you bring about more of it to yourself. If you have been victimized in any way, without your own work to forgive and let go, you will hang on to that victimhood for years to come. Victimhood then becomes your reality. You are a victim, not because someone did something to you, but because you have chosen to believe in your victimhood, stay in that feeling, and stay in that situation mentally as long as you want.

 

When we attach ourselves to certain discordant energies and beliefs, hold onto them, refuse to release, they intensify. Have you noticed that emotional pain can increase over time, as you continue to judge, continue to hate, continue to create new beliefs that support your own perception as the victim. Karma is what you bring onto yourself.

 

The good news is that karma is also what you clear all by yourself. This is why we are taught to forgive. Forgiveness is not saying that the crime doesn’t matter, my pain is not important, it didn’t happen. Forgiveness is not denial. Denial is about ignoring your pain, pretending it didn’t happen. Instead, forgiveness is acceptance, finding peace in the situation, understanding that at your core, you are still that Self you love so much, loving and caring for that Self.  Forgiveness is also releasing the other person from the burden of feeling guilt, shame, and fear of your wrath. I am okay, and you are okay. Whatever happened happened, I find peace, and I free you to find your own peace.

 

All humans get hurt all the time. We cannot make it through a day without facing the opposition of someone else, a boss, a coworker, a lover or a family member. Understand, that people aren’t against you, and they are not hell-bent on making you miserable. They too are just humans who are trying their best to stay true to themselves, and what you want and need sometimes conflicts with what they want and need. How you react to other people is your own choice. You can react, or you can act. I hold the intention that whenever possible, I will not explode the second someone imposes a restriction on me. Instead, I will hear the restriction, determine how best to achieve what I want without condemning them. How I act is totally my choice.

 

So, how would you deal with a painful breakup, or an unfair loss of a job? It feels like judgment when someone rejects us or tells us that we are not good enough for them. The important thing is to recognize that we cannot possibly know what is inside their mind, they may not be judging us at all. They may simply be letting us go because they found some other situation that brings them happiness. The judgment we feel is the judgment that we create about ourselves. I must not be good enough, it sure feels awful that I am not good enough. That bad feeling is inside your body, therefore you own it, not someone else. No one can release it but you.

 

With my last two breakups, I made the conscious decision to break up differently. In the past, I would identify that other person as the wrongdoer. I would blame him for how I feel. I would judge him to be what is wrong with my life, judge him to be flawed, and quickly seek to cut off the problem from my life. I would swiftly dump the person, then wallow in what was wrong with the relationship, specifically, what was wrong with him. I would fester in that wrongness for weeks and months, and find more examples of how all men are wrong, they all have the same flaw, and feel like a victim for always attracting the same person in a different body. Life was happening unfairly to me. It is no wonder then that every new man I met, would bring me the same expectations, the same narcissism, the same conceit, the same self-servingness, the same wrongness. I have been seeing this wrongness in men since college. In fact, what is really funny is that I earned a college degree that helped me develop a deep understanding of narcissists. Is it any wonder that my preoccupation with the mind of the narcissist meets my expectations every time?

 

So, the last two breakups were very different for me. Instead of finding fault in the other person, I decided to refrain from that. I understood that this relationship and this person aren’t bad, instead, they are not what I am looking for right now. Instead of blaming the other for how I feel, I honored how I feel because my feelings are valid. But, the other person is not at fault for being who they are. They are not flawed, they are simply not what I need right now. There was no blame, no harsh words exchanged. I spent a lot of time thinking of how can I break up with loving kindness, and feel good about it? We can’t feel good unless we do our best to also allow the other person to feel good too. Neither of us is the bad guy, we are not committing an evil act by removing ourselves from an unwanted situation. ‘I wish you peace, I wish you happiness, I wish you a good life, I wish you much more love than I could ever give you, I wish you a much kinder, more loving, caring person than I could ever be to you. You deserve it.’

 

How do those last words feel? Sure, there is a feeling of discomfort or sadness in every good-bye. But, ponder for a second what it feels like to break up with love in your heart for the other person, and to sincerely wish them their best life? Is there anything negative or resentment to hold onto in this situation?  In fact, with both men, I accidentally ran into them years later. Each time my words were: ‘I see you are doing very well. You look happy, Life must be treating you well.’ None of my words are fake, I am not acting. I truly believe in their ability to find success, love and happiness in their lives. They are awesome men, quite a catch for some lucky lady. Why not make people feel good about themselves?

 

But how do I feel about those breakups? Sure, every good-bye feels a little sad. But, the important thing is that I no longer hold resentment for people who I broke up with. They didn’t do anything wrong, there is no wrongness in a breakup. All healthy humans choose the best possible situation for themselves. It is a sign of self-respect. I feel like a woman who always does right by herself. I stand in my own certainty that I am my own creation, that I deserve the best possible situation for myself.

 

What is my karma now? My love life sure feels different than before. I no longer carry the burden of negativity from past relationships. I forgave everyone because I saw the positive from walking away. Each ending brought on a new beginning. That new beginning was always a new version of me, smarter, kinder, more evolved. Isn’t that what we all strive to be? How do I know that I have released bad karma or that I have released my karmic debt? I see that I no longer attract repeating situations. Instead, I am finding myself in new, fresh situations. Karma will always bring you whatever needs to be resolved. It is never 100% released. As we release old karma, we create new karma, One energy gets released, and we develop a new belief system, a new feeling about a new subject. As long as that new belief or feeling serves us, it feels positive. As soon as it no longer serves us, it starts to feel negative. That is our signal to check our belief system.

 

As we grow, our belief systems must change. Change is uncomfortable unless you embrace it. Does it serve you to still believe in pain and the awfulness of situations from the past? No. We must adjust to our new reality because we have worked to create that new reality. Therefore, with each change, and each new situation, we have a choice about what we believe to be true, and how we relate to anything that opposes us.

 

Karma is not punishment for those things done to you by other people. Karma is a very important tool to help you deal with your own life’s path. It is an indicator that shows you whether you are doing right by yourself, or whether you are hurting yourself. If you don’t release your own negative energies and bottled up feelings, then karma can only hurt you. Those negative feelings of anger, rage, jealousy grow within you like hot air in a pressure cooker. If it is not released, it will explode. Do you want to go through life feeling like a pressure cooker? I guarantee when your pressure cooker explodes, it will affect everyone else in it’s surroundings. But worst of all, you will hurt yourself. That is your karma.

 

Karma can feel like justice. It feels like justice when we are self-aware and understand how we are feeling about a situation, and how those beliefs have brought us into this circumstance. I understand that my preoccupation and frustration with narcissism has brought many friends and lovers into my life who were in fact, narcissists. I earned that. I clear that every day, so that I can clear my karmic debt. Karma can also feel like great injustice. It feels unjust when we lack awareness of our Self, and how that personal belief has brought us the pain we now experience. We bring onto ourselves that which we are. Whether it feels just or unjust is simply our awareness of essence or our karmic burdens and the actions we have taken as a result of those beliefs. Some of us choose not to recognize our own role in our own life.

 

Learn to transmute energy. You can’t magically turn anger into love. But you can release anger and judgment, let it go, like letting steam out of your pressure cooker. Once enough pressure has been released, there is now plenty of empty space to fill with positive energy. Karma is your own energy. If your creative energy is not bringing the best possible outcomes in your own life, it is because you aren’t actively participating in managing that energy, releasing, letting go, moving on. Life can get better, and better and better, but you have to create space for the better situations by releasing old ones. Karma is the essence of you.

 

S

 

 

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Success. I am.

Success. Do you envision success as something that you will eventually enjoy in the future once you have reached an income level, a professional title, a milestone? Many people who seek success in life do so through struggle, through force, through toil, for them that path to success does not feel good. Many believe that it is a long and arduous journey of blood, sweat and tears, and that eventually at some later date, they will enjoy the fruits of their labor. It may seem so because we all follow that same blueprint: school, degrees, qualifications, practice, experience, rising income levels, savings, promotions, setbacks, more work, more promotions. So, when do we actually feel successful? Later?

 

I used to know a very successful man, I was married to him. He was probably the most successful person I know, because he became successful at 22, on his first entry level job, when his starting salary in 1995 was $20,000/year. He taught me that you have to have the success mindset before you actually become successful. You all have heard this theory, that you have to feel it before you can be it. It sounds wishy-washy to most of us, but having been married to him for 15 years, I witnessed him promise himself he will be the youngest employee to earn $100K within 6 months, and actually do it, own a BMW within 6 months that he pays for in cash, and he actually did it, become a VP before 30, manage his first merger, earn a million before 35 and he actually did all those things. How did he do it? Hard work? Nope. He never worked hard. I was his office-mate, I worked much harder than he did, put in more hours, was nicer to clients, did more to impress the boss, yet he always received letters of gratitude from clients, customers would send him expensive gifts, he won office contests, got free vacations, etc. He never believed in any wishy-washy theories about success, but he did practice success. When I asked him, how did you do it, he would always claim I practice success every day. What does that mean?

 

At 22, he just graduated from college with no work experience and everybody already knew he was the most successful new hire in the office. He lived, breathed, embraced success. Though his job was entry level, he was already projecting qualities of a manager. He studied what skills a manager must possess and then practiced those skills every day in the office. He studies what goals our bosses had to meet, and then he exceeded their goals. I feel successful, I know I am successful, I am success.

 

Looking back, I now understand his mindset because today I practice the same. I AM. He never, ever, ever allowed the possibility of “what if I don’t succeed”. He never allowed doubt, he never allowed my questioning his ability- he would NEVER acknowledge my nay-sayings. Even when shit hit the fan in our office and many people were getting laid off, he never entertained the possibility that this could happen to him. I guess this is what you call single mindedness, focus, certainty, trust in yourself.

 

Also, he enjoyed his success even when no one could see his success. Yes, he was proud of his $20K salary. I wasn’t, I was annoyed they didn’t offer us more. But he was very proud, and he enjoyed his salary like it was huge. He practiced shopping. He spent weekly lunch hours at the BMW dealership talking to sales people as if he could afford that car. He knew exactly what it would take to earn it, he calculated the numbers he had to achieve, and acted as if it is a piece of cake. That car was already his. I had my doubts about him, is this guy for real? But he was so grateful and so proud of the little he was earning, that he talked about his success when no one else could see it. I used to be embarrassed for him. He acted like a fool. He would even talk to all the executives in our office about the car he was planning to buy as if he could actually afford it. The car was in his driveway 6 month after he got hired, and yes it was fully paid for in cash.

 

One day he told me “Your problem is that you know what could go wrong, while I only know what could go right”. I was offended, but it was true. We worked in banking, and all I could see are deals falling apart, closings canceled, time running out to meet our goals, stress, stress, stress. I knew I was smarter than him, had a better degree, I was much more diligent, but yes, all I could focus on are those things that could go wrong- and they often did. Some of our clients were facing bankruptcy and foreclosure, and I carried all their emotional burdens on my own back.

 

When I asked my ex, don’t you feel sorry for the clients you can’t help? He said no, I only feel happy for the people I can help, think how lucky they are to have me help them reach their financial goals? Those clients would write him letters of gratitude, call our manager to tell him what an awesome employee he was, refer more business to him.

 

He could see success in every situation, even when the entire industry was crashing, there was still a lot to feel proud of, and a lot to feel successful about. It took me 20 years to reach the same mindset, but it definitely came with a struggle to remove all my mental blocks.

 

It was much easier for me to feel successful about other things. I learned how to feel unconditional with love years ago, how to be unconditional about inner peace, how to be unconditional about my self, and once I learned how to never consider the possibility of hardship or failure (hard to do when you have anxiety and panic attacks), I saw success just pour in for me. I meditate to clear my obstacles, and reset my mind. It helps a lot. But once I stopped allowing any other possibilities to come into my awareness, the money just started to pour in. I lost everything I own 10 years ago, and spent many years in anxiety worried whether I would ever earn it all back. That worry was my self-doubt that was getting in the way.

 

I never actually realized how quickly I regained all the money I lost, how few years it took me to earn much, much more, how many impressive titles I’ve been promoted to since then, how easily money comes to me now, because I stayed focused on the financial disaster of 10 years ago. I swept all my successes under the rug, and allowed that past disaster to become me.  It was my identity, and that belief that I am that past misfortune was my one and only obstacle. I am sorry I believed it.

 

I no longer worry about anything. Instead I only feel success. But I had to realize that I already am successful and appreciate it. It never occurred to me that when 18 months ago I decided to take 2 years off from work to travel that was proof of success. Not many people can afford to do it, I should be proud of it. Now I am appreciating all those trappings of success I never acknowledged, but always had. They truly are meaningful if you take the time to be grateful. There is no meaning in buying a mansion, unless you know how to be grateful for your mansion. There is no meaning in buying a diamond tiara, unless you know how to be absolutely proud of your tiara. It will look ridiculous, unless you know you truly deserve it. There is no meaning to money. It is just paper, But you give it meaning with how you feel about it. It could be paper, but it could also be pride, accomplishment, charity, noble deeds, helping others- it is whatever meaning you assign to it.

 

Sometimes it is those people who have hurt you the most that teach you the best lessons. That ex husband is long gone, an old memory I never think of. But, to this day I realize that this person handed me the blueprint to success. I never knew that success is about how I feel about myself and my own abilities. That’s not a lesson you learn in school. It should be.

 

Do you realize that you already are who you intended to be? We all have much, much more than we acknowledge. Look around you. Some of you ladies went to the best schools in the world, some of you have crisscrossed the world multiple times, many of you are community leaders, CEOs, entertainers, stars. Buy something nice for yourself that feels like success. Wear something that shows pride in who you are right now, not who you will be later. I am a doctor, I am an attorney, I am a VP, I am a CEO, I am a celebrity, I am a leader. I AM.

 

S

 

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Why Your Life Isn’t Moving Forward

You are working on yourself, investing in your inner being, developing a sense of purpose and a strong identity. Everything is going well, except you cannot seem to reach that thing you want most. That job is in a far off city, that man is married, the bank won’t qualify you for that new home. What is happening when you are growing, expanding, creating peace within, but everything around you seems to be saying No? I know I am bigger, better, wiser, but those things I am striving for always seem out of my reach. I often get asked by women, “I know I have put in the work on myself, I just traveled around the world in 80 days and competed my MBA at the same time, but that job I want, and that man I want are nowhere to be seen”.

 

Well, what’s happening on your inside? What are you fixated upon, what are you attached to, what situations, people, or beliefs are you refusing to let go of? That powerful job you always wanted won’t be yours if your roots are firmly planted in your small town, and you are codependently still attached to your mother with an umbilical cord. You won’t leave her. You won’t have that amazing, giving, loving man, if you are attached to feelings of pain of an old lover. You might think that your high flying lifestyle and that new degree make you a match for success and a bigger paycheck, but you are not. You are very much on the level of whatever you are attached to.

 

We are all attached to something or someone. Many of us are not aware that we are attached to painful situations, that we carry other people’s burdens, that we are stuck on beliefs we acquired in childhood that do not serve us at all. Why are we so surprised when years later, we are still surrounded by same stuff, same people, repeating patterns? We want to race forward, but something is dragging us behind, like an anchor. That anchor is all your attachments.

 

I have recently been working on my attachments. I wrote about this a few times- the art of non-attachment as a meditational practice, but also a daily practice of not emotionally attaching myself to people, objects of value, old beliefs. I noticed in my meditation that some old ideas are playing like a broken record in my head. These are like background noises that have always been there, that I kept ignoring. Then it dawned on me, these repetitive old thoughts are my attachments. Attachments are just energetic blockages, the obstacles that prevent us from receiving whatever we are reaching for.

 

Yes, it is very important to cultivate a Self, to practice inner balance, to continuously expand our knowledge of ourselves as we relate to the world, but none of those efforts will guide us down our path if we are anchored into place by attachments.

 

Here’s an attachment: I always wanted to go back to Europe for a couple of years, but always believed that I can’t because of my elderly parents. Once dad died, that became obvious. I had to back out of a romantic relationship that was leading me back to Europe, and refuse a prestigious job offer for that same reason. That firm belief prevented me from seeing that I could rework both situations, the job offer and the relationship so that I could still have them, but still be able to take care of mom. Imagine my surprise when a couple of years later I found out that the person who got that job commutes between NYC and Geneva. I was attached to my home situation, I believed in my obstacle more than I believed in my belief that I could enjoy this job. I firmly believed I’d have to choose between mom and the job, when nothing could have been further from the truth. There are successful VP’s all over the world who have moms and they still manage to take care of them and get the job done.

 

What happens when you let go of someone or something you are emotionally attached to? No, you don’t ruin that relationship. You simply liberate yourself from being obligated to them. You become more free to honor yourself and your own needs, and in that freedom you can love and care for other people better. What feels better? Taking care of your mother because you love her, or taking care of an elderly parent because it is an obligation? Love is a much better motivator than an obligation.

 

When you cut emotional and energetic ties, you don’t lose those people. Instead, you make relationships better, healthier. The other person then has a choice to go down that better path with you, or completely opt out.

 

Our attachments are our blinders. We can’t see beyond them. It’s no wonder then, that we cannot create beyond our own belief system. Our attachments are more real than those goals and dreams we fantasize about. Doesn’t it make sense to break them?

 

Usually, when I start cutting cords, breaking out of whatever chains I am attached to, change happens very quickly. All those things that were out of my reach suddenly present themselves to me. I couldn’t see them before, or I perceived opportunities as obstacles.

Whenever I feel stuck, like life is not moving forward, nothing is happening for me, I check my attachments. What am I still attached to? In meditation I can see that nasty thought that keeps popping up in my head. There is something in that thought. It is usually some old, ugly belief I have no use for, but I am still playing that broken record. What are your nightmares about? That should tell you something about the fears you are attached to. A few of my friends know that I had repeating nightmares of car crashes, accidents, road hazards, and how debilitating they were when they actually became reality. This wasn’t just a nightmare, it was a fear in real life. And then, I actually had 2 car accidents that left me even more scared than ever. When I analyzed my fear, I realized that it was at least 10 years old. That fear became a belief system. I believed in it so firmly, that I actually started living it. I was so attached to that fear, that I made all decisions for two years out of fear. No wonder my life wouldn’t budge forward. Yes, at the same time, I was working on some big things in my life, but it wasn’t until I released that fear that things started to progress forward.

 

If you are not manifesting whatever you want, check what is holding you back? Your helium balloon cannot float upward and reach for the sky, when it is anchored to a weight. Chances are that there is a lot holding you back that you aren’t aware of.

In any given moment, there is a lot holding me back- my entire belief system. I want that guy over there, but this nasty one keeps texting me over and over again. I want that job that feels like freedom, power, and immense success, but I feel an obligation to this tiny project that I have to deliver. I know I can always do better, so why am I still here? Your obstacles are your ‘Yes but’. Yes, I want that job in Europe, but my mom requires care here, I cannot leave her. Yes, I want that man who matches my level of inner development and enlightenment, but I am still obsessing about that ex who made me so angry. Yes, I want to be my own boss, but I have bills to pay so I settle for steadier streams of income. That ‘Yes but’ is your false belief system, your obstacle, and your anchor. Release it.

 

If you can’t meditate, then consciously change your belief around that situation. That angry ex who is constantly on my mind is holding me back from a healthy new relationship. He is not on my mind because I need him, but because I am stuck on his pain and the injustice he caused me like a broken record. What if I could shift my perspective? We all know we are supposed to forgive, but we can’t truly forgive until we have some sympathy and love for the person who caused the anguish. So, I now see that ex as someone who gave me a new direction in life. His anger and control opened my eyes to what I do not want in my life, so now I am able to select better. His control taught me how to release myself from the grasp of very unhealthy people. I am so much better today thanks to that ex. I actually appreciate that ex now, and speak very highly of him. I changed my story, so my reality shifted. The ex is no longer a painful burden I carry on my shoulders, I tossed that boulder and started sprinting forward. As soon as I did that, dozens of new men came into my life.

 

We are all constantly working on improving ourselves on an internal level. The speed at which we travel through life, receive what we want, and then get more, depends on how much of a burden we carry with us. What can move faster? That heavy Mack truck designed to carry tons of weight, or that light, weightless sports car that can barely fit a load of groceries?

 

Lighten your burdens. We are all burdened by something, and it is our job to cut off old ties, say goodbye to people who are holding us back, and open our hands so we can receive more.

S

 

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Why Every Woman Needs A Roster & A Dating Strategy Sheet

The Roster. What is the Roster? It is a man’s “Little Black Book” of available women. Think of it as a menu of delicious items readily available to him. These delicious items are categorized by portion size, ladies who are just appetizers, hearty meals, a sweet desert. Every man dreams of having a roster. Some men do, some men don’t. They guys who don’t, wish they did, but not every guy is slick, has skills, or knows how to get women to follow him or want to be available to him. Not every guy has the ability to text a woman, and have her show up in a sparkly outfit, hair and makeup, a 10+. Are guys who don’t have a roster better men? Not necessarily. It is nice to talk to a guy who doesn’t do that, the one who gets to know women one by one, and pays time and attention to each. But, a lot of guys who have no roster are resentful of men who do, and resentful of women who don’t show them the same attention they show to more attractive men. That resentment can be deep, and often shapes how he perceives women. So be careful, and always get to know men well, before adding them  to your roster. The roster is not necessarily a physical book. It can be Tinder, Bumble, and most often Facebook. If you are engaging with men on any social or dating apps, they think you are on their roster even if you don’t want them.

I learned to date from men. 10 yrs ago when I was going through a divorce, I enlisted the help of several male friends to help me date better and teach me some skills. I learned a lot and am very, very grateful for that. In fact, I used to have a roster too. What I learned about the roster is that it is a man’s security blanket. He feels more secure when his roster is full. Men survive off the attention of women, so they protect their rosters because their entire self-worth is attached to how women perceive them. I used to feel very powerful knowing I have a roster too. I also learned that the roster is a mirror to a man’s soul. Remember those guys who have no roster at all? Often they feel unappreciated, non-masculine, unworthy, and lack of female attention makes them very angry on the inside.

At a certain point I felt very powerful and confident about myself and I didn’t need a roster any more. I realized it was full of cheap candy, attention whores, men who are starving for female energy, but most of all men who gain their manhood from being seen or photographed in the company of women. This is why you no longer see photos of me with any men on FB. You will never see me hanging off the arm of any man unless he is The One.

To make sure I am not on any man’s roster, I always say clearly No. No to hanging out with men I don’t want, no to giving FB attention to guys looking for online attention, no to Bumble or Tinder, because I am not a downloadable girlfriend available at the click of a button, no to phone numbers and certainly no to having his picture taken with me when he is not anything to me.

It was good to have a roster of my own while I was learning about dating. It taught me a lot about my personal power, attraction points, and how to juggle. This is something I believe all women should know. It is powerful knowledge and it really did give me a huge confidence boost when I was going through a divorce and feeling unattractive and unwanted. If you are confused about where you stand with men, get overly emotional and attached to each and every one, if you get emotional when a guy you barely know won’t call you back, I highly recommend you get a roster of your own. It is just a tool to help you learn how to date more powerfully, and how to stay non-attached and level headed. Juggling men is something most women find distasteful, most would rather look for one. But being over focused on every One who passes by can feel disheartening. Seeing how men respond to you once they see they are just an option to you is priceless. I’m not telling you to become a player, I am telling you to learn how the game is played so that you stop playing defense and learn to strategize. A smart woman is a powerful woman!

Here are some powerful lessons I learned from managing my roster. My most powerful lesson of all time was #1.

1) How to be selective with men. Just because you have a guy on your roster does not make him a valued player at all. His interest is of no value to me whatsoever. A lot of men who are unattractive, unsleepable, are asking for my attention. Paying attention and being nice to them is a huge mistake. Listing them on your roster is like adding handicapped men to your team. They cannot do anything for you at all. Adding them to your roster will make you lose the game. Most women do not know how to be selective with men. They think that male attention is valuable and that they should just accept what they can get. Then they wonder why they are stuck dating men who have no skills, no stamina, no personal power, low psychological strength. Entertaining men whom you have not selected with your own criteria is a losing game.

2) I cannot afford to play “nice” to all men. Let me explain. When I announced to my social circle that I was filing for divorce, I was not looking to date at all. However, within weeks, 73 men asked me out. (I run a large social circle on the east coast). This was my first experience navigating the dating filed, and I did not want attention from most of those men. Yet, 73 men were pestering me for time, attention and a date. Being a nice girl did not work in my favor, because being nice came with the expectation that I will give them a chance and the kind of attention they were asking for. A lot of males take a woman’s niceness as proof of their manhood, if she is nice and smiling they conclude she wants him. That is of course not true for any woman I know, so I quickly had to learn how to remove men from my roster, kick them off the field without bruising their ego. Being nice to everybody is a huge handicap for women. We are expected to be nice, and when we are not we get called all kinds of names. But not all men are equal, they don’t all deserve your attention, so treating all men like Mother Teresa has negative consequences. I learned to treat men differently, to say No with full confidence, to never apologize, to never pander to them, to never stroke their ego, to stop validating them. Men who need validation are invalid without female attention. Yes, they are like invalids, you will waste time making them feel valid, when you should only engage men who are valid on their own merit. Never be the nice girl. You have a team to manage, men to screen and test, and you must be selective. That means saying No most of the time.

3) I am the most valuable player in my life. It’s true. My roster taught me that I create my own life, I manage my own dating strategy by making my own rules, and that all that matters in my life is whether I am happy, living to my own fullest potential, and weather I am pleasing Me. Kicking men off the field when they do nothing of value to me felt bad at first, but over time I learned that being selective and raising my standards was healthy, and that kicking time wasters of my field was very empowering. All these men are vying for a chance to play on my team. I am not applying for their time, they are applying for mine. Holding that roster in my hand changed my focus away from what men want, onto what I want. What I want became the object of the game. What they want is none of my business. Another powerful lesson!

4) Without a roster you don’t know how men stack up. It doesn’t take much intelligence to know that not all men are equal. Most men cannot do anything for themselves, let alone for you. Yet women are taught to treat all men nicely and equally. This is a huge mistake! You are giving your attention to men who do not qualify for your team. You must be aware at all times what your needs are, how men stack up in their ability to meet them, which ones are lagging behind, which ones are ripe for getting kicked off the team. More importantly, you will learn to refine your needs. As you grow, you will see that certain male characteristics you once found valuable are now of no value to you at all. You will learn that most of his valuable characteristics are on his insides, and the inner world of his heart and his mind and his psychological health is something most men protect with their life. They don’t want to reveal that. You will learn how to effectively prod with words or attention to get him to spill what’s on the inside. You must know how he stacks up compared to others inside and out before you give him anything at all.

5) You have nothing unless you have players applying for your team. Lots of men have no rosters because women simply don’t want to play with them. You will figure out through strategy how to put together a valuable team. Dating is a numbers game. I know, most women hate the numbers game, but if you make your own dating rules, you can get numbers to work in your favor. You can’t evaluate a man unless you have plenty of men to compare him too. For that you must have lot’s of experience. Don’t let anyone tell you that having too many men will spoil you. It won’t. In fact, having tons of men will teach you how to wield your own power, and how to put them in their place. Never be afraid of knowledge.

6) Never show them your roster! Men disintegrate very fast once they see that you know yourself, you have an effective strategy, and that they are simply one applicant for your team. In fact, don’t show your roster to women either. No one ever won a game by showing the opposing team their strategy sheet. Keep it to yourself and guard it with your life!

Before you start whining that having a roster is mean, unladylike, shallow, ask yourself how it feels to be on a man’s roster, vying for his attention? It is disheartening, disempowering, an empty place to be. At any minute you could get kicked off the field for not pleasing him better than another player. The reason I encourage all women to create a roster and learn to strategize is to help you shift your focus away from what you must do to get a man, to what should men be doing for me? The roster shows you the losing proposition of waiting for men, chasing them, engaging men who have no inner strength or useful skills, and the winning proposition of setting your own standards, evaluating men by whether they can meet your needs, by rotating them on and off your field.

Your dating life is totally your own creation. If you aren’t happy with your selections it is because you are passively waiting for men to add you to their rosters, and sitting passively through their selection process. You may not realize but your name is listed on a lot of male rosters that you don’t even want to be on. If you want to know how not to be someone’s option, you have to learn how to disengage men swiftly and with ease. Being the nice girl will keep you stuck in a holding pattern.

I no longer have a roster. I no longer need it. It was an extremely valuable lesson, and I am grateful to my male friends who helped me learn how to strategize my dating game. I now have a mental roster. I have learned how to test male character, engage with words, disengage swiftly and clearly, prod and find their insecurities, maintain objective awareness of his insecurities, maintain my state of non-attachment, shut off energy flowing to random men. I feel powerful, confident, self-aware. My life is my candy store. I have had so much candy that I can afford to spit it out. All I want for women is to know how to be more selective, find their power and use it in their own favor. Stop giving your power away to men, you are empowering them, you should be using your own power to propel yourself.

S

 

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Triangulation and Delusions of Insecure Men

This scenario is all too familiar for a lot of grown women.  Your friend is in a frustrationship with a douchebag who isn’t stepping up for her. The douche is messaging, trying to get some alone time with you. He knows you two are close, so why would he contact her friend? Why not target a woman not known to her? Why would any male specifically target his partner’s good friend?

 

Men are insecure, we all know that. My personal theory is that with age women become more confident, while men grow more unsure of themselves. This becomes more apparent at middle age when all humans come in touch with their own mortality, hormonal changes, challenges to the ego, body changes, and loss of attractiveness to the opposite sex. It is a difficult period for both men and women, and we all have to face ourselves in the mirror. A funny thing happens to men at this time. One morning they wake up and look down to notice that their tiny little Jimmy did not rise to greet them. Wtf does this mean? It happens again a few weeks later. He walks into the bathroom, looks down, and there’s more hair than ever on the bathroom floor. The hairline is receding, and months afterward he notices the ladies are no longer chasing, suddenly no one sees him as a catch, girls compare him to dad, and fewer and fewer women are seeking his attention.

 

It is a difficult time for most men, but emotionally insecure men have a harder time dealing with this. If his manhood was derived from the attention he previously got from the opposite sex, and if that attention is now declining, then where is his manhood? If women aren’t willing to validate him, admire him, or worse, if they now challenge his perception of himself, an aging man can become hostile, bitter, vengeful. We have all seen that aspect of manhood. I could write chapters on this subject, but for the purpose of this post, it is enough to say that when men try to pit two women against each other, target their partner’s friend, or seek the attention of inappropriate women, they are operating from a place of deep insecurity.

 

As a grown woman I know that any attention he could pay me is a waste of my time, no one wants attention like that. This has happened to me more times than I care to remember, and it has always resulted in the loss of a very good friend. Most women cannot handle the truth, but what happens more often is that the douchebag twists the situation around to cover his ass, making it look like two women are fighting over him, and he gets to pound his fists on his chest, playing the part of a wanted man.

 

Knowing my friend’s situation, I know that he fails to step up to her level. To be clear, she isn’t seeking commitment from him at all, nor is she angling to get his attention. My friend exceeds him in personal character, career, social standing. She simply wants him to communicate like a grown-up, state what he wants, instead of playing guessing games. She doesn’t see herself getting serious with him at all, she has downgraded him a long time ago to a summer fling.

 

Has this ever happened to you? If I was a brainless twit, I might be flattered by a douchebag’s attention. But I know he isn’t worth a cheap drink in a plastic cup. Thus far I have ignored his requests to hang out. I simply do not answer his messages. I don’t want to answer him because any attention paid to an attention seeker is still attention, and I want to show him that this door is closed.

 

This is not the first time this has happened. I have had friends’ husbands contact me during their divorce declaring they are serious about me. What are men thinking? That I would date a friend’s used goods? That their wife’s friend would jump at an opportunity to date a man being disposed? In the past when I have questioned their motives, all men declared that I should see them as an opportunity. And when I have challenged their delusion, they used my disinterest against me by going back to the wife claiming her friend wants him. This sounds like a ridiculous scenario but I have seen it personally at least a dozen times. This topic has come up in the Goddess private forum, and many women have experienced being placed into a triangle with a good friend and a man they absolutely do not want.

 

So what are men thinking when they seek the attention of their partner’s friend?  I think that men often target friends to make their partner feel insecure, but also to get two women to fight over him, or at least create drama over him. He creates the delusion that two women want him, when in fact neither is taking him seriously. What a way for a man to feel like a man.

 

Why would this particular douche want my friend to feel insecure? Because he can’t do anything for her except provide a little company that she could easily get from anyone else. Because she has always insisted on an open relationship, as she is serious about finding a more satisfying relationship with someone else. Because she is open and honest, has told him where she stands, and that she isn’t looking for anything more. Is his attempt at triangulation working? I am not falling for it at all. At this age I know that an insecure male can’t do anything for either of us.

 

But when I was much younger I used to fall in this trap as do many less experienced women. No, I never pursued a friend’s mate. But I was inexperienced enough to engage with the douchebag or narcissist, to communicate my lack of interest. I falsely believed that if I expressed why his attention was wrong, he would understand and back off. This is always a big mistake, because any communication at all will be used against you. The insecure male would always twist the story around, act as if I had initiated something with him, and his partner would get hurt, which is all part of his plan to extract attention from her. And in every case, the douche would then cause drama between two friends and get off on the fact that there are two women causing a ruckus over him which was never the case.

 

Psychologists call this behavior triangulation. I won’t go into it here, it is a widely known concept used by narcissists and emotional manipulators to make women vie for them. Even when women are too mature to fight over him, he will still extract a little boost for himself, knowing that he at least emotionally wounded one of them. Any display of pain or grief over the situation strokes his ego.

 

The situation with my friend has not gone that far, but the unwanted attention I have gotten in the past from friends’ spouses and significant others has taught me how to deal with them. These are not men. I call them emotional midgets. We all get insecure sometime, but these people seek to build their manhood from attention they get from women. This can work when he is young, sexually relevant, and a viable candidate. But after a certain age, women stop pursuing men. When men are psychologically healthy, they learn to cope, accept and adapt to their new reality. When men are not healthy, they seek to trigger women into extracting attention from them. Creating competition or conflict between two friends is a sure way to extract a bit of manhood from a situation.

 

There are thousands of ways that both sexes manipulate each other to validate themselves. Triangulation is just one of them. Unfortunately, many women unwittingly fall for this, and end up serving only his ego. If you are in a situation where you are receiving inappropriate attention from a friend’s partner, understand that you are not dealing with a genuine man. Any attention you get from him is just bait.

 

If you find yourself triangulated, the worst thing that you can do is engage him in conversation. He wants your engagement, he wants your attention regardless if it is positive or negative. His weak ego feeds off attention, so it doesn’t matter whether you eagerly pursue him or express disgust- he just got your attention. The best thing to do is no engagement at all. Do not answer texts, do not respond to invitations at all.

 

Whether you tell your friend depends on her level of maturity and her level of emotional involvement with him. That’s your call. But know that a lot of women protect insecure men rather than expose them, and there is a high likelihood she will choose him. She might even choose to protect her own ego rather than face the emotional discomfort of facing the friend her partner pretends to prefer.

 

Emotional manipulation is a trademark of an unevolved person. This is something children do as they learn to relate and find their place in the world. This is not the level that healthy grownups relate to each other.  Unfortunately, it takes many uncomfortable situations and losses of friendships to learn that this is not a man by any stretch of the imagination. That attention is toxic and accepting it will only harm you. Extract yourself from the situation quietly and without drama. Remember, he is just waiting for the drama to start.  Don’t feed his ego.

 

S

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Do You Accept Half-Assed Relationships?

Do you accept half-assed relationships? Do you accept non-committal, let’s see what happens kind of situations that leave you hanging? Be honest, why do you accept offers of nothing? Why do you go along for the ride? To see what happens? To see if he changes, or offers more of a relationship later? No man has the power to put you in a relationship you don’t want to be in. It is up to you to say yes or no, and only you. If he is dragging, why are you allowing yourself to be dragged? If he is not saying anything, why are you still waiting for him to say something? By waiting, you are becoming passively committed to the wait. You are transferring power to him, so he can decide what he wants.

 

In reality, men have very little power, we hold most of it. But most women have been lead to believe that they have to patiently wait for his offer, to patiently go along with his flow, so that he can sample different relationships, never feel burdened by your needs, and to always let him decide. Girl, the decision is yours, not his. Only a Goddess knows that right from the start. If you are sick of being taken for a ride, it is totally your responsibility, and within your power to not go on any rides until you know exactly where that ride is going. Would you get into a taxi if you didn’t know where the driver is going?

 

Dating has become an opportunity for men to take many shiny objects for a ride, and women to patiently wait for him to decide what he wants. This is ridiculous! You already know what you want, so there’s no need to entertain men who don’t know exactly what they want. YOU. Yes, unless he is totally interested in dating you and only you, then he is wasting your time. If his offer is “no pressure, let’s see what happens”, or “let’s hang out”, then he is not expressing interest in only you. He is giving you an opportunity to be in his circle or on his roster. How good is that offer? It’s useless.

 

You know what kind of a man you want and what kind of a relationship you want already. Admit it, you have a pretty clear idea of what that would look like. A man must demonstrate that he is ready, willing and able to be in that kind of relationship, and only with you, before you begin to give him your company. Plenty of men are willing to do that when they are ready. So don’t give chances or hang out with fuck boys who are not ready, don’t know what they want, who are just hanging out, or have multiple women on their roster. You are not a sample, so don’t give him a sample of your company, nor anything at all until he has clearly committed himself to dating only you. It is very easy to say no thanks to half-assed offers of half-assed relationships. Yes, sometimes you have to say No Thank you to that dream man, who doesn’t see you as his dream woman. Just say no. At the very least, if you don’t get him, he will respect you for not accepting a pile of Nothing.  Her are a few examples of half-assed offers, and how to disengage from them.

 

Do you want to hang out sometime? “I hang out with platonic friends, so if you want to be just friends, we can hang out.”

 

My job is stressful, I travel a lot, I just got out of a crazy relationship- means I am not ready for anything. You reply “Sounds like you are going through a very rough time. I’d rather date a man who can fully contribute to a healthy relationship right now.”

 

I don’t want anything serious right now. “It doesn’t sound like you are ready for anything serious. I date men who are ready for something serious”.

 

So, can I call you some time? “It depends on what you want. Do you know exactly what you want?” Sure, I’d like to get to know you, and see what happens. “I’ve dated a lot of “let’s see what happens’. Those men usually don’t amount to much”. But, can’t we still get to know each other? “We’ll start getting to know each other once you know exactly what you want with me”.

 

In all instances, a woman is being offered a half-assed opportunity to hang, to get to know, a hope of some future scenario he isn’t entirely sure of. Now do you see why saying yes to such nonsense gets you taken for a ride, and amounts to nothing? Your responsibility is to determine exactly what he wants, not in general, but what he wants from you. In general, he might want to get married some day. Don’t fall for it, he hasn’t said he would like to marry you. Your responsibility is to know what his current dating status is and if he has other women on his roster. You don’t want to be on anyone’s roster, so you are not going to negotiate anything with him at all. The mistake most women make is they start to negotiate with a man who has no specific interest in just her. You are opening that can of worms all by yourself.

 

Half-assed relationships go both ways. I know plenty of men who don’t know how they got themselves into relationships with women they didn’t want. It all started with ‘hanging’ and not knowing what he wants, and not being serious. A year later, it is the lack of his own clarity and his own unwillingness to ask uncomfortable questions that gets him onto a path that she has already laid out before him. That’s what we all get from giving time to people who don’t know what they want, and negotiating with people we haven’t determined are right for us.

 

People who don’t know what they want, people who are not looking for anything serious, people who just want to hang out, people who are sampling the goods, have absolutely no ability to be what someone who is looking for commitment needs them to be. I admit, I am often the one who is non-committal, and only interested in some fun. There’s nothing wrong with wanting fun and non-monogamy. But, I never take people for a ride. I don’t bread-crumb men, I always state 100% honestly where I stand so there’s no confusion later. Often, men want more time than I want to give them. In my attempt to be perfectly clear, I often state “Just so you know, I have no intention of sleeping with you”. I let him decide if he still wants to keep hanging after he has processed that info.

 

Being taken for a ride goes both ways. You can’t claim men take you for a ride, unless you are willing to get into the car with no clear destination with them.  Accepting half-assed offers from men who are not focused on you but on everyone else, is a sign of a woman who is willing to accept much less than what she wants just for an opportunity to build something with someone, some day. Why would you accept an offer that is deferred to amount to something later?

 

Your job is not to give chances to men who are merely asking for your time, your job is to not negotiate anything with them at all. Even though I go through periods when I am non-committal, when I am interested in dating, I only date men who 1) I have identified as men I want 2) they have clearly stated that they are interested in dating only me and 3) their idea of a proposed relationship matches what I want.  Yes, I have drastically reduced my dating pool of time wasters, dawdlers, I don’t know what I wanters, wishy washies, and pesky fleas. They are never worth anyone’s consideration at all. Quit talking to them.

 

But, accepting a half-assed relationship is your own doing. No man can put you in a relationship or a situation you don’t want to be in. You entertained a feeble offer based on hope, a fantasy, a possible future outcome, an offer that was not based on facts, clear intent, proven character, or truth. When we enter situations with people who just want to wait and see what happens, we usually enter the state of waiting.  That is the wrong situation to be in.

 

S

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