Ecstatically Child Free

Somewhere around the age of three, I knew for sure that I was going to be independent and child free. Not because I don’t like children, but somehow I knew that my life was going to be about something else. Of course at three, I had no clue what that might be, but I knew that motherhood and domesticity were not for me.

Like any child who knows exactly what she wants, I was informed by my elders that I don’t know what I want, and that surely when I grew more intelligent, I too would find validation and eternal happiness in motherhood. One thing was certain, I was adamantly persistent in my quest to remain child-free.

As a forty four year woman, I am ecstatically happy to have remained child free. I have made many mistakes in my life, none of which I regretted because each was a learning experience that made me more confident in who I am. Being childless was not a mistake, in fact it is my proudest achievement. Here s why.

I never knew what I wanted in life, except a few things that I was sure of. I was going to be independent, free, unburdened, and my life was going to be one glorious adventure. Having no firm career aspirations, and plenty of impressive degrees, I was always qualified to take charge and lead no matter what the situation, but grueling hard work, and domesticity were to be avoided at all costs. My education afforded me plenty of Vice Presidencies, and small business ownerships, the purpose of which was to maintain my sense of freedom and adventure, not to build a nest egg and settle down.

At twenty six, contrary to my doubts and inner suspicions, I got married to a fun, adventuresome, soul mate who wanted nothing more than to have fun like me. Had his goal been to settle down and have babies, I would have run in the opposite direction. But since like me, he too wanted to simply live life gloriously, we embarked on one excellent adventure together. We were young, we were best friends, and we wanted nothing to do with responsibility. We lived well, in fact we lived very well. I wish most young college graduates embark on a life of ecstatic adventure, rather than a life of drudgery, which is why I am such a huge fan of millennials.

We lived royally. Armed with solid educations, impressive degrees and two six figure incomes, we lived all over the world, traveled far, drank fine champagne, saw the sun rise from exotic, far off beaches, and I am here to state to everyone, NO we had no regrets. While our friends were busy pro creating, signing mortgages and buying mini vans, we were referred to as greedy, restless yuppies who were sure to crash and burn and live empty lives. On the contrary, we never paid attention to what they said of us, and lived every day like there is no tomorrow. I can’t tell you how many times friends and critics assured us that we were destined for a life of sad, pathetic, emptiness, only to be offended by our permanent ecstasy, and being in a permanent state of bliss.

And then, we returned to this country to settle down. Regrettably, that was my idea. To this day I have no clue why I wanted it, because now I yearn to get back into my saddle and ride off into the sunset once again. But, we bought a house in the city, two fancy cars, and though we had no intention of birthing anything, thought that we could still travel and have fun. But, this is how we settled into a life of what we don’t want. Surrounded by mother-in-laws, mini vans, and critics who just wanted to give us a friendly reminder that the way to eternal happiness was car-pools, PTA meetings, and marriage counseling, we quickly found ourselves surrounded by the very people who will discourage you from life. I wish we had the sense to sell the house and move on. But no, we gave into that pressure, and as much as we loved each other, decided that it was time we go our separate ways.

Make no mistake, I have no regrets about getting a divorce. I appreciate the 15 amazing years of fun, love and international adventure, but now was a time to get to know myself, explore, stand on my own two feet, and fall in love with life all over again.

Broke and penniless, I decided to give myself a one year vacation from responsibility, so that I can recover from divorce and find my own direction. Was I happy to be child free? You bet! My girlfriends were eager to point out that had I had a child, I would be guaranteed a life of financial support, and wanted to know if I now was sorry to have had no children. But knowing that this was not what I wanted for myself turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am living proof that a divorced woman can be better than ever. I tell anyone who wants to hear it that freedom is the ultimate luxury, and being beholden to no one but myself was the greatest gift I ever received. I now had the freedom to explore my sexuality in the way a woman just can’t do with a husband. I discovered that contrary to the garbage that the media feeds single women, there are plenty of fish in the sea, especially the young, sexy, gorgeous ones with the stamina of a stallion. I started to travel the world, push boundaries that single, unprotected women should not push alone while abroad, and I am here to tell you, just do it!

I could not have done any of this with children in tow. But along the road I encountered many women who could do just that, and I am always impressed. I have been single for seven years, have been proposed to four times, said no thank you four times, and am now recovering from a breakup from yet another beautiful soul. Have I got regrets? None. I live the way I want to live, surrounded by amazing friends, beautiful, sexy younger men, champagne, exotic vacations, and having done a lot of work on my own self and building a complete life, I have never been lonely. Being child free has not left me feeling empty, unfulfilled, or alone. In fact, most of my girlfriends rely on therapy and pills in order to fill the gaping hole that was supposed to be filled by a litter of children and a balding husband. I realized that bearing children is just a biological function, it is not and cannot be fulfillment. That comes on working on yourself, facing inner demons, breaking boundaries, learning, exploring, chasing and catching dreams, but not from settling into a suburban coma of trips to the mall, and play dates.

What do I want next? More life on my own terms. Do I want another husband? I’m not sure yet. I have reached a point where my life is very full, overflowing in fact. I love my lovers, and it is nice when a relationship reaches that comfort level that we all aspire to. But I have never needed a marriage contract, and certainly not with someone who believes in settling.

What is gratifying is knowing that I have lived my life on my own terms. That knowing that motherhood is not for me, and that unwillingness to compromise myself just to attain a marriage contract or stability is exactly the reason that I am complete. Had I compromised, I know I would have been miserable, and would have regretted not listening to my own inner voice. We are all here to live the life we want, and knowing that is exactly what brings fulfillment in life. Living by the book, or other people’s expectations is exactly what brings misery.

Don’t get me wrong, I love children. Other people’s children can be delightful. I love to squeeze them, giggle with them, spoil them, but what I enjoy most is walking away from them. I love having the freedom to go to my own home, which is quiet, peaceful, warm and clean, indulge in my own glass of fine wine, and invite whoever I want to come over. Is that selfish? Maybe, but I live a life of no regrets.

I recently ran into my ex husband. He too set off on his own course, and I am happy to report that he is now more successful than ever. But, he settled down, and he regrets that. I wish nothing but the best for him, as I am still grateful for the adventure he gave me. But, his life is nothing how he imagined. He married the first woman he went on a date with. She had a child from a previous marriage, and soon they had a child of their own. Now he is a dad, living in suburbia, enjoying baseball games and hot dogs, rather than midnight sails along Victoria Harbor, or waking up to watch the sun rise on the beaches of Phuket. Is he sorry? He admits it. Though neither of us is sorry for the divorce (it was time for each of us to move on), he is sorry to have compromised. He too wanted a child free lifestyle, and to live on his own terms. But, he compromised. And he is now thinking about divorcing again.

Life is all about living on one’s own terms, and completion is all about attaining that for yourself. How many of us put aside our own dreams, to follow the prescription for life other’s have envisioned for us? Living on someone else’s terms is the road to regret.

Again, I have no problem with other people’s choices, as long as they are their own. What hurts is watching women conform to the lives their parents lived, compromise their dreams to find a half-way point to the dreams of their man, settle into the illusion that the marriage contract provides security, when it is exactly what keeps you bound to one spot.

I am not bragging, and as narcissistic as you may think I am, I am simply a human, who stuck to her own guns and has not regretted it. I do not fear life, and no, women who choose to be child free are not lonely. We find more time to work on expanding ourselves, exploring the world, shedding our fears and have the luxury of trying new things and constantly evolving. Is that so bad?

Where am I going next? I never know, but I am okay with that. I have lived in the same city for seven years, and am ready to check out another part of the globe. The soul mate I recently broke up with, wants is to get back together and try living in his home country. I am cool with that. I need a fresh perspective, a change of scenery, new challenges, a new language, and another excellent adventure.

To the young ones, just setting out in life, here is my advice. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. You were born knowing who you are, and what you want. It isn’t wrong to live irresponsibly, unaccountably, nor to chase your dreams across the globe. It is only wrong to give in to their pressure, settle for a life half lived, then criticize those who live just as you dreamed.

As always, no apologies, no regrets.

S

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Goddess Worship: An Affair With Myself

If you are like many women today, you are actively pursuing a goal of self-development.  And if you are just starting on your path, you have probably heard liking yourself, in fact, loving yourself, is the key to getting in touch with your inner Goddess, awakening her, turning her on.

Self-love is nothing new, in fact, it has been around for centuries. But we are just waking up to the fact, that self-love has been hidden from women for centuries, for fear that a woman in love with herself is somehow too witchy, too confident, self-possessed, cold, and in some cultures, demonic. It has never been astonishing to encounter a man who loved himself, loved his work, loved his pursuits, loved his many lovers, and loved life. In fact, that has always been the most ideal man.

Societies have feared self-loving women since the dawn of mankind. A woman who loved herself, who was connected to her inner Goddess, was called many names, none of which were kind. A good woman, even by today’s standards, is one who set aside loving herself in favor of loving others more. A good mother, must love her children more than she loves herself. A good wife, puts her husband first. Tradition, scriptures, even marriage manuals advise that a woman must invest in her husband, her marriage and her relationship more than she invests in herself.

Thus today, I spend more time unteaching women, and discouraging them from investing in their relationships. You see, two thousand years of women not knowing they are Gods, has lead many to believe that a relationship with another person leads to happiness, when in fact, a relationship with herself is the key to her power.

Though we are slowly coming awake, and starting to get to know ourselves, I am often dismayed to find out that the reason many women invest in themselves is because they believe that investment will pay a dividend- a man, a husband, a relationship.

Though my power lies inside myself and unleashing that inner Goddess both men and women fear, and though my success in dating comes from that very place, I have stopped, in fact I promise, I will never teach or guide a woman on how to catch and retain a man. Let this be your fair warning, my seminars, workshops and coaching will never address that subject. If you would like to know how to disempower yourself, stand on your head and properly text your way into a human connection, by all means buy another dating manual, subscribe to another online course. This is not what The Goddess Principles is, and never will be.

The Goddess Principles concept is for women who now who they are, they know what they want, they make no apologies for it. Sure, Goddesses are both married and single, neither is better than another. We all recognize one has made a choice to marry, while the other chose to stay independent. That said, finding a man, retaining a man, and figuring out how to legally bond ourselves to one, is never our concern.

Our foundation is based upon women loving themselves, simply for the sake of love and nothing else. We know, that our power to shape our lives and live them exactly how we desire lies inside of us, not outside. We focus on growing ourselves for our own sake, and self-love is the core of who a Goddess is.

Self love is a principle long hidden from humanity, especially from women. For centuries, we have been warned against it, punished for it, even burned at the stake. Women who dared to find out, or worse, practice it have been called by all kinds of names. Even today, a woman who loves herself shamelessly, unapologetically, hedonistically, openly is referred to as a whore, a bitch, a narcissist, etc.

In fact, those ancient, secret societies we all hear about, were founded upon the principles of Goddess worship, as they knew, but never revealed to the masses, that woman is God, and that the key to any man’s success, is waking up that aspect of a woman that bestows upon him (if she is pleased) ultimate success.

Though it has been hidden from females, and practiced fervently by very successful men, the practice has been bastardized, twisted around, distorted beyond all recognition of woman worship. Without going into history, my goal is to teach women how to access that power within. For, if she wakes up that aspect of her inner self, there is nothing she can’t do, and nothing she can’t have. That power has always been within women only, discovered by very few, and understandably kept secret.

I disclose, not every woman can access this power. We all have the Goddess within, most will never tap into her, majority might get a glimpse, then quickly look the other way out of fear. That is okay. I can neither force her out of you, nor can I talk you out of decades of your own repression, resistance and judgement.

In my talks and meeting many such women, I see that they come from two types of backgrounds. She was either that kid who refused to listen, rebelled against everything, didn’t play the sugar and spice and everything nice role very well. She was that girl who could say No, and mean it, has punched a boy or two in her life, allowed herself sex simply for the experience and refused to accept guilt. Or, she was that woman who always knew that there was more, the one who understood that there is something inside her, and through her own, independent, solitary path, discovered her ability to quiet the mind, enjoy its stillness, and tap into that energy that lay dormant inside her since childhood. You see we are all born with it, but parents, school, and society extinguish that flame before the age 1.

So what I teach here is how to love yourself. If I could have one wish for you, it is to do it shamelessly, greedily, glutonously, unapologetically, ravenously, proudly and fearlessly. And step one is to simply stare in the mirror, smile, blush, and see that the Goddess is absolutely beautiful. She has nothing to feel ashamed of. The only shame is in not worshiping herself. That is the only pathetic woman there is.

S

 

 

 

 

 

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Do You Need a Mentor, or Do You Study Champions?

Who is mentoring you? Why? What was your intent behind finding a mentor?

Before you choose one, think wisely who this person is, and what they have accomplished? Have they achieved where you want to be? No one can teach you how to be more than they are themselves. Their ceiling, is your ceiling.

I urge women not to look for mentors, but more importantly to find champions. There can be a tendency for the word mentor to sound like taking someone under your wing. I am a naturally action-oriented person who feels there is far too much coddling in the world and too little doing. So I urge you to find champions because champions are people who make sh*t happen for themselves.

Find a person who doesn’t quit. Find that person who doesn’t take No for an answer. Find the one who moves forward despite what others think. Find that person who does not back down. When you find her, don’t twist her arm into mentoring you. If she is as focused and single minded as she needs to be to succeed, she will politely say No.

Instead, stay close and pay attention to what she is doing. Respectfully keep enough distance to not get in her way, but watch her focus, her drive, her moves.

If you still need someone to hold your hand, know that this is not the work for a champion. A winner cannot win with others latched on.

If you are serious about success, hire and pay for a coach. They are trained to guide you along, but not be your crutch. Study winners, champions and doers. Emulate them, live and breathe like them. But don’t make your progress dependent on their ability to guide you along, and never expect someone to be responsible for you. That is not their job, it is always yours.

In life, there are winners and there are losers. The difference is simple. Winners are single minded, focused, determined to get what they want. They make their success dependent solely on themselves. Sure they study others, ask for advice, and take it only from the best. But they make themselves solely responsible for achieving what they want.

There are others who have a goal, and would much appreciate success, but don’t want to do it alone. They spend time looking for someone to advise them, guide them, inspire them, preferably join a club of others who too, don’t want to do it on their own. They would very much like it, if someone would be kind enough to lead them to success, show them how its done, cry with them when it isn’t working, share their failures. We all fail, that is a fact of life. But how we get up and move on, separates the champions from the wannabes.

When we fail, some of us get back up, reformulate our action plans, and try again. Others grab onto someone else’s hand, look around to see if a hug will be offered to them, if someone will commiserate with them, rehash their pains and analyze their failures, only to look again towards others for that encouragement they need to try again. Which category do you fall into?

The reason I encourage you to find a champion rather than a mentor is that there is a difference in mentality between someone who is looking toward others, and someone fully prepared to do it on her own. A mentee will always be looking for guidance, a champion will take action all by herself.

Here is another characteristic of someone thirsty for success. She is serious enough to pay for whatever it takes to get there. Whether she is paying for education to acquire new skills, or paying a coach for a bit of fine tuning, a woman serious about her progress will generously, abundantly, willingly and gratefully pay for someone’s time. The one who is not looking to succeed, but someone willing to walk the path with her, will most likely look for a mentor, an advisor willing to work for free, a shoulder to cry on, someone to reaffirm her desires as well as shoulder her pains.
In my career, and in my current work for TheGoddessPrinciples I am inundated with calls from women looking for guidance and inspiration. I started this project for that very reason, to kick the driven woman in the butt, show her that she can do whatever she wants, and live exactly how she pleases. I love the feedback I get from them, as it confirms that I am doing something that matters.
But in this process, I can’t tell you how many times people have asked to talk to me on the phone, connect with me socially, or simply get to know me. I am one of those people who can pick up the phone, tap into a person, and lift them up with only a few words. I have the ability to see inside people, identify their blocks and inspire them to be a lot more than they think they can be. Here is what I have learned by giving my time away for free.
People who rely on the kindness of others to get them through life, are looking for someone to rely on for the rest of their life. They are not looking for good advice, they are looking for continued advice. They are not looking to do hard work on themselves, they are looking for you to show them you care by doing work on them.  If you are serious about your own success, eventually you learn you can’t make others successful for them. You can succeed on your own, then let them watch and emulate. Those who are ready to do the work, will get up and do it.
And this is why I don’t like mentorship, even though every business book parrots the concept. I see a huge difference between women who need a mentor, and women who study champions. One is looking for a crutch, emotional support and an unpaid guide. The other, is looking for the fastest course toward results. One balks at paying for it, the other will pay any price because she knows success isn’t free.

S

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Why a Woman Should Never Compromise for a Man

Today’s post was inspired by a video one of my fellow Goddesses posted in our private Facebook group. If you are a woman who can handle opinions drastically different than her own, without judgment or vitriol, and would love to join our open discussions, please check out the group’s rules, and join.

WATCH VIDEO

It has always been my opinion that women compromise way too much in relationships, and thus compromise away their integrity and their self-respect. When I speak about this particular subject, the men who read my posts (65% of my blog readers are men), agree with my opinion almost a 100%. It is usually the women who make a heated argument FOR compromise, as a way to keep a relationship healthy and moving forward.

So, Eartha’s interview is really close to my heart for several reasons. For one, it truly reflects my own attitude, and also, it is the key to my being a Goddess, and my dating and relationship success. This is the one lesson I always have trouble getting through women’s heads, but is truly at the core of who a Goddess is.

Who is the Goddess?? She is a woman who lives her life by her own rules. She enjoys life fully, and every aspect of it, simply because she lives on her own terms. Her career is focused, her relationships are abundant, and she OWNS her own sexuality (she does not trade it away). The Goddess is that irresistible woman who can commands armies of men, eager to serve her. No, she does not use men for anything at all. She is that magnetic creature for whom men want to do everything, just for the opportunity to be in her presence. In relationships, she always maintains her own space, her integrity, her self-respect. She will never compromise those things that make her the Goddess away. She loves freely, deeply, passionately, but her philosophy on relationships is “Letting Go”, and not holding on to anything too tightly. She always maintains an open door policy, and by that, very few men can afford to leave. Her goal in life is not to secure a male’s commitment, but to always be personally fulfilled and ecstatic.

Eartha Kitt is a total Goddess. Her interview, and the answer to the question if she would compromise if she met a man who gave her a relationship is answered beautifully! With a huge laugh. That was my reaction exactly when I heard this.

com·pro·mise  : To accept standards that are lower than desired.

Women have been taught from a young age that compromise is key to securing a relationship with a man. I teach the opposite, that the very first time a woman shows she is willing to compromise, she has just signed a death sentence to that relationship and pandered away her self-respect. If she is able to keep that relationship by compromising, she becomes a slave to his whims, leaves the ball in his court enabling him to decide where the relationship goes and when, and thus she makes it clear that he is more important than her. And unfortunately, this is how most women go through relationships, always running after that dangling carrot of commitment. No thanks.

A woman with integrity, is focused on one thing only- maintaining her self-respect. Nothing matters more. The very first time a man implies that my compromise will be necessary if I hope to keep him, he gets the same reaction from me that you just got from Eartha Kitt. A loud cackle, with a sympathetic smile “Oh dear boy, what makes you think I will be keeping you?”

By not compromising, I maintain the ball always in my court. Sure, I hit the ball back, but only when I am sure he is the one I want to play ball with. I maintain that throughout the entire dating process or relationship. I am always evaluating whether he meets my standards, only hitting the ball back when I want to see more from him. Sure, the ball drops often, very often. But I am never concerned about keeping the man, only my standards.

This sounds rough to most women, and I admit 90% never make it past step one. When I exchange emails with my male followers, they too express their frustration and hope to one day meet a woman who cares about her integrity more than she cares to have the relationship. Men agree, that women are too eager to compromise themselves and their personal needs, and their interest fades as soon as they notice her lack of self-respect.

This is why I tell women to absolutely never read dating advice, as each book or columnists touts the importance of compromise. It is no surprise that two weeks in a relationship, most women are standing on their heads wondering when is that ideal moment to reply to his text, whether she is supposed to pretend to be busy and reject a Saturday night date, and always pretend to have other options. Compromising women usually have no other options, and most men know that. When a woman compromises, she reaches a certain point where she just can’t sink any lower to please a man. At a certain point, she is a doormat, and she got to his doorstep by compromising. It is too late to raise her standards now, he already witnessed how little she respects herself.

Dating and relationships for me, serve one purpose only, and that is to evaluate throughout the entire process how well this person complements my lifestyle, how well he fits with my personal goals, and whether I am growing or whether I am shrinking in this process. I don’t ever consider commitment because there is no way to know before 1 year has passed whether he qualifies for it.

Some call this selfish, but it is a sign of personal integrity and a deep self respect.  Women criticize me that I am too harsh on men, and that being so selfish will never get me into a marriage. If that is the price of marriage, I say, no thanks. I have been wed before, and though it was a beautiful experience, I learned too much from compromising myself for the sake of maintaining a happy marriage. I will never do that again. Either I will find a man who is in sync with me (the only man worth waiting for), or I will enjoy a few of the 73 men who are constantly buzzing around me waiting for my attention.

What most mortal women don’t realize, is that even if they don’t consider themselves Goddesses, they still are the prize in any relationship. They waste too much time chasing relationships, rather than being chased. All women are eager to find out how to always be chased by men, but very few are capable of maintaining the one standard that ensures that- her integrity. Almost always, she signs that away the very first time she is asked to compromise for him.

There are two kinds of men out there. Strong men, and weak men. Both always dream of finding that one woman who is not a doormat, the woman they can shower with affection, admiration, and respect. Both kinds of men are insecure. That is okay. But strong men prove their strength when they are turned on by her integrity, and her unwillingness to compromise. This is the point when they crave more of her. Weak men balk that this woman has standards, and almost always insist that she drops them if she wants to go further in the relationships. What these men maintain is that they are the prize, and that she should be striving to earn them.

There are two kinds of women out there, Goddesses and mortals. All men want the Goddess, very few qualify. The ones who do, are turned on by her integrity, in fact, they are always eager to find out more about her. It is almost as if they don’t believe that a woman will be able to maintain her integrity for long, and are watching for signs that she will compromise herself away, even just a little.  I have been tested multiple times. Almost every man is intrigued when I say exactly what I think, say no when I am not pleased, demonstrate that I cannot be bought with money, and walk away when his actions do not meet my standards.  And they keep testing, the tests never end. All through the relationship, he wants to know whether I will buckle. They dangle commitment carrots in front of me, and I never bite. They dangle diamond rings in front of me, and I say no thanks. I won’t compromise myself for a rock. And this is what it takes to maintain an army of men.

As I said before, my biggest critics are women, not men. That is okay. The women who see that integrity always works in my favor, are the ones crawling out of long, painful relationships and marriages, where they sank too low too fast, and are now trying to rebuild. For them, I have great admiration, because I know that once a woman decides to rebuild her self respect as opposed to rebuild a relationship, she is well on her way to becoming a total Goddess.  Most are surprised that uncompromising integrity really works, and are in a state of disbelief when they see how well men respond to it. Like me, they are constantly being tested by their men, but that is simply a sign the men are addicted to her.

And once the men declare their loyalty to the Goddess, trust me they are going nowhere. She is that one in a million they have been searching all their lives for, and will slay dragons and crawl across ditches to keep her.

To all those women who think that my uncompromising attitude is too harsh, I only have proof to show for it. I cannot convince them that personal integrity is key to happiness, most think that commitments, diamond rings, and marriage contracts are far more worthy. That is until they see how many men are fighting for my attention at all times. I do not use these men, I am never cruel, always classy, in fact, I never ever take anything from them. A Goddess does not use men, she is not for sale. She always has their attention by being classy, kind, a good friend. I do not mess with men’s minds or play with their emotions. A Goddess does not manipulate. I state clearly if I am not interested, and don’t accept free drinks from men I don’t want. I always pay my own way, demonstrating that my attention is not for sale.

Eartha Kitt’s statement about compromise really hit the nail on the head. A statement like that likely got her a lot of criticism from both men and women. I am sure she was okay with that.  The few women who have the guts to stand up for themselves and refuse to compromise away their integrity, are ahead of their times, and total Goddesses in my book.  Over the years, I have amassed a nice circle of Goddesses I now call my friends. We exchange ideas, fan each others’ flames, travel together, and always push each other forward. Our motto is: No apologies, No regrets.

S

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NICE TRY MILA KUNIS, BUT ONCE AGAIN THE PERP GOES FREE

This post is inspired by a recent Washington Post article which commends actress Mila Kunis for standing up to Hollywood sexism by writing an open letter to a producer who threatened her career when she refused to pose semi-nude. This is a topic that deserves much more dialogue, and I am happy to see women speaking out. I know it takes balls to stand up. I know what it is like to risk a professional reputation to call out injustice. I admire that in all people, especially when I see that in women. So, this is not a criticism of the actress at all, but more of a call to action to all women, because Kunis’ open letter, in my opinion, stops short of what a proper mount against sexism should be.

Once again, the perp remains anonymous. Once again, the perp is given the luxury of seething in his own self satisfaction, knowing that she has more to lose from exposure than he. As every rape victim knows, her name will be dragged through the mud, and her reputation will be on the line to a greater extent than his. Women have been taught to remain quiet, and protect the anonymity and masculinity of the very men who act from a place of deep insecurity, and who do not qualify as men at all. Why are we still protecting them?

I am pleased that in the last few years we are bringing up this subject even more. Social media is making it possible for women to connect, speak freely and find support from both men and women. I am also thrilled to hear that my male friends are contributing to the conversation and expressing their own deep concern. It turns out that there is a lot of support against sexism, but once again we are not taking about the real problem.

As much as it pains me, the victims are not the problem. We express concern and support for the victims of course, and discuss ways how best to protect them. Personally, I don’t want or need protection, though I’m sure some women would disagree.  Personally, I’d like to discuss the violators of our human and professional rights. Why do these men remain anonymous?

All women know what it is like to be shamed into acquiescence. We all understand the pain of silence, of protecting an offensive boss for the sake of the company, or for the sake of other female employees who might be perceived as weaker if one made an accusation against sexism. We all understand the anguish of laying down our own self-respect, for the sake of the office bully, the emotional terrorist, the male mentor, the office cry-baby, even our own fathers. What is the cost to us for protecting the fragile male ego?

We are all taught to speak out against sexism, but stop short of pulling the mask off that anonymous perpetrator. For if we rip the mask of fake masculinity off his face, he will be exposed, he will be compromised, he may even have to defend his own actions. For some reason, keeping that mask of fake masculinity on his face is of utmost importance. Maybe, exposing one man threatens them all. But maybe, just maybe, exposing one man’s insecurity, shame, desperation to be validated as a man, will freeze them all in their tracks.

What would the world look like if men had to answer for their own actions? What would it look like if the spotlight was on that perpetrator? Not just in court, but everywhere. What would the boardroom look like if that manager was called out, and had to explain why he finds it necessary for her to take a step back, so he can take a step forward.

In my opinion, men are much more fragile and insecure than women, they are simply coddled into believing they are strong.  Men rarely have to earn the title of manhood, they simply are handed it on a silver platter the first time they discover they have a penis. They get pats on their backs from their father the first time they catch a ball, and are referred to as a man at age five. They rarely receive instruction of how a real man behaves, so trust me, they can rarely argue to support their actions. They are just never challenged.

Is that why we are silent? In my experience, I have never met a man who could stand up to me in an argument. I am no super woman, but I always speak my mind. I have been doing so since the age of five, and have never once apologized for it. I have lost family members, friends, employment, clients, boyfriends and husbands, for the sake of maintaining my self-respect. I am proud of that, and I will never apologize.

It is not my place to push women into doing something they are uncomfortable with. I realize it will take decades for us to finally have what we deserve. I observed years ago, that most women are broken, like a horse, into submission at a very young age. That first time we disobey a man we know isn’t right, and are forced to keep our mouths shut to protect patriarchy, we die a little on the inside. After a while, protecting masculinity becomes the norm, and rattling it becomes a moral crime. Even well meaning mothers automatically protect their sons, when they should be putting them in their place.

So, as hopeful as I am that more women will go well beyond just speaking about sexism, and start pointing the finger in the direction of the bully, I know I am asking for a lot. There’s a generation gap between women who are resigned to following gender rules, and those young ones who brazenly show the middle finger to patriarchy.  I for one, am very proud of young women today. They are the most criticized, vilified and hated by society, as they are in fact, that last remaining threat to false masculinity. They act in their own self interest, they shun tradition, they speak up when inappropriate. They talk back, the over- share on social media, own their sexuality, and flaunt it in the faces of those who cannot have it. More power to them.

If I could ask anything is that we stop criticizing women who shine a spotlight on offensive men. If we cannot do the same, at the very least we can give them a supportive word, a pat on the back, a quiet congratulations. They don’t deserve vitriol, they deserve honor. In fact, that is the honorable thing to do.

I, for one am happy that more people are speaking up about sexism. And as little as I care for celebrities and starlets, once in a while I am impressed by the ones who are not afraid to speak their truth.  Mila Kunis, this is not enough. That open letter failed to raise awareness of men who fail as men. In fact, they are the ones who should be placed under scrutiny. Let’s discuss the failings of patriarchy, fake masculinity, deep male insecurity, the fragility of the male ego, let’s dissect that for all women to see that there is nothing to be afraid of. Really, every time I spoke out against an offending man, he quivered in front of all office mates to see. That was usually enough to make sure he doesn’t cross my line again. But, allowing a bully to remain anonymous, only strengthens the bully. He now knows you stopped short of crossing his line, and by protecting his name, you made him braver to do it again. He will test another woman, with 99% certainty, that she too will cry foul, but never risk her reputation by exposing him. We live in an age of frivolous lawsuits, and I do understand the risk of libel. But I also know the power of social media, and how quickly is fuels a reaction.

My goal for TheGoddessPrinciples.Net is to show women that there is nothing to be afraid of. I want to show them to live life like there is no tomorrow, to push their own boundaries, make their own decisions, never fear judgment. I’d love for us to speak freely, support each others’ decisions and choices regardless of how we personally feel. I know we can be more, do more, thrive more, if we just dare to be free. Freedom always comes at a price, but the reward is absolute bliss. We all deserve that.

As always, No apologies, No regrets.

S

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Is He Looking for a Relationship, or Validation?

Nothing disturbs me more than the impatience of women, particularly good friends, who are searching and pining for relationships. Nowhere is this more prevalent than here, in America. Perhaps, it is the media that tells us we are incomplete, dissatisfied, and doomed to spinsterhood if we have no one to relate to. And this toxic idea spreads like wildfire via social media, as friends from all over the country chime in via their timelines with endless posts of unrequited love, the changing times, and their difficulties in finding someone to bond with.

 

By now, I have written enough about this topic, and I won’t expand upon it here.  My assertion ends with advice to stop searching for love, and start living life. By now we all know that no one can, nor will complete us, and the process of searching is exactly that “energy” that repels healthy relationships.

 

Today’s topic is men, and what some of them seem to be searching for when they are out and about looking for the opposite sex. I am a very sharp observer of human interaction and have been watching men and women relate to each other at hundreds of parties I have hosted over the years for my social network. I also happen to have a talent for seeing trough people, and picking up on subtle queues they give off without communicating a word.

 

I am a firm believer that we all emit energy, and that most humans and animals pick up on it. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are always reading people, some of us better than others. What I have always seen is that women’s weaknesses whether they be neediness, despair and incompleteness are spotlighted by the media, but men’s fears, loneliness or desperation, are rarely dissected or analyzed by medical professionals. It is almost as if they are swept under the rug of masculinity, and downplayed for fear of exposing males when their egos are bruised, and their manliness diminishing.

 

So, here I am, ready to shine a light on what I see is happening as a typical male begins to mature and then age. We women freely speak about our insecurities. Therefore, it is no secret that young women tend to be more insecure, less self-aware, and more likely to be looking for male guidance in our younger years. As we mature, we learn about ourselves through failed relationships, over-dependence on those relationships, rearing children, and learning to stand up on our own two feet. As a woman matures, she grows. She gets more in touch with herself, and eventually blossoms into a self-aware, self-respecting appreciator of herself. She develops a confidence, starts to speak her mind, and that is exactly what some men (particularly younger men) admire in the more mature women. They love how she loves herself.

 

Men seem to mature in reverse. At a very young age, they are told that they are men. They are taught to sow their wild oats, “take” women, enjoy them, and in many cultures are raised to have a sense of entitlement to the best that life has to offer, and that includes a multitude of women. Even in this country, boys are taught to relinquish fear, act like men when they are too young to understand what manhood even is, and to assume that role without the faintest idea of what masculinity is all about. In essence, they are taught a false masculinity, one based on the simple fact that they are born with a penis, which somehow entitles them to dominance and respect they haven’t been taught to earn.

 

As a male matures, his masculinity is validated simply by experiencing love, sex and dating, and that it follows exactly what he is being taught by popular culture, that a healthy male enjoys an abundance of sexual experiences and adventures.  But, never are they taught the realities of aging and how it can diminish their value as a man.

 

Open any magazine, and it panders to the fears of women. If I grow a new wrinkle, will I be less desirable? Yes!  If I stop menstruating, and can no longer conceive, have I expired? The answer is Yes! If I reach the age of 40, am I doomed to spinsterhood? Yes! But, have you ever seen or heard media call out fears of men? No. That topic is taboo. Even medical professionals and psychology books rarely measure the fragility of the male ego. But, I am here to state that as his maleness declines (testosterone levels, erections, and his ability to do anything for a woman), his desperation for validation from the opposite sex increases.

 

All humans experience fear, but half the population suffers in silence under the guise of machismo. Declining manhood is rarely analyzed by experts, therefore surely it does not exist. But I am hear to show you, that in fact, declining manhood is that turning point in a man’s life where he devolves from a confident, desirable, level-headed human, into an emotional mess, raging with anger, fear and frustration that the world he is experiencing in silence, does not match what the media and medical experts have been spoon feeding him since birth. You see as women grow more self-aware and confident with age, men grow more insecure.

 

There comes a day in every man’s life, when he wakes up to a limp dick. Surely, it’s not his fault, it must be that overweight, saggy woman sleeping next to him who has turned him off. Undeterred by this condition, he makes his way to the potty, only to think, hey maybe that day he had heard about, has arrived. He looks in the mirror in horror, as he notices that his hairline has receded past the point where he can confidently drop a pair of panties with a smile. There it is, his manhood is laying in the sink. That outer sign of male desirability, his sexiness, his looks, is receding past the point of return.  And his waistline? It is starting to resemble Santa Claus, that adorable grandpa whose belly jiggles like jelly every time he laughs.

 

For most men, that first fail to rise up for a woman, is a death sentence. It is that turning point in his life, where he no longer desires a human to relate to, he needs and absolutely craves a person to validate his masculinity. This is that moment that every man begins to refer to himself as a real man. It is as if he is trying to convince himself and all around him, that the situation between his legs is of no relevance to the opposite sex, because he has his years, and his experience to prove he is a man.

 

This is also the time that a man begins to look at the opposite sex with a sense of need and entitlement. He has experienced love, he has experienced relationships, and many have even experienced marriage, which is something they no longer need. This is the point when married men look for validation outside the marriage, or start to dabble in making new, younger, female friends online.

 

At this point, many single men start to look frantically for someone to commit to. This is that point, when an avowed bachelor and player, starts looking for a wife. I have joked many times that a woman can spot a man who is ready to commit simply by paying attention to his hairline. As soon as it starts to recede, that is exactly when that cog in his head starts to spin.  Scared for his life, a single man who has faced his declining masculinity, is now more than ready, even in a hurry to settle down and make babies.

 

And then there is the divorced man. He has already been married and had babies, and feels no need to repeat that again. He has been inspired by media and a few divorced friends, that this is his time to recapture his youth, and prove his virility by dating women half his age. It does not matter that she has no college degree, and no career aspirations. It makes no difference that she is only admiring his wallet. All that matters is that she looks young enough to convince all males that he is still virile, and that she acts convincingly enough to show there is substance to this relationship.

 

In all three cases, you are looking at a man who is dating to find validation. He isn’t looking to relate to another human being, nor bond on a deeper level. He is looking for women to confirm he is a man. Often, one woman isn’t enough. The more desperate and insecure he is, the more women he needs to fill that gaping hole of his former masculinity.

 

If he is afraid enough, he will rush into a long term relationship simply because he fears being alone. For him it is better to secure a willing partner who is looking to settle down, than risk continued rejection from women. But, if he feels confident enough that he has choices, he will start to date for the purpose of seeing how far he can go.

 

Men who are dating for validation, often date to see who they can get. They simply need to know that she is interested, that she is willing, and that she will commit to him to feel validated. They don’t need the actual relationship, and there is no need to take it to the next level, because now that they know they can have her, it is far more important to see who else they can have. They date to keep score of how many women will make them feel needed.

 

When a woman rejects them, she is dismissed for not knowing a real man when she sees one, but the woman who pays attention to him is simply validation for what he can have. He may enter a pseudo relationship and only stay to the point where he feels her attachment, and her confirmed interest in a relationship. But why stay? Now that he knows he can have her, it is time to see how many more women are willing to attach themselves to him.

 

These empty men who were raised with a sense of false masculinity, now truly have to prove they are a man. They were told by their mothers, their fathers, and their peers that a man is a man, and that is that. But 50 years later, he is bald, has grown a spare tire, and women no longer chase him. Now he must prove, that he has still got it. Now he must prove that he is that man he has always been told he is.

 

He is dating out of fear, not out of genuine interest in a relationship. He is hungry, in fact starving for a woman who can make him feel like a man. But if a man needs a woman to make him feel like a man, then, is he really a man? Yet, that hunger for validation is stronger than him. He is dating to prove something, and no matter how much attention he gets from interested women, and how much attention he buys from much younger women, nothing can complete an empty human being.

 

This situation is like an addiction to attention and nothing more. But how long can a human keep chasing proof that he is still valid? At a certain point it all fails to satisfy. And at another point, no matter how much he has to throw around, money can no longer buy attention even from the most desperate women. This is when males begin to seethe with anger, resentment and bitterness toward the opposite sex.

 

This is exactly when he begins to play on women’s fears, and project his own desperation onto the opposite sex. He wants you to be aware just how much you need him, because your biological clock is ticking, your time is running out, and you better hurry up and settle for him.

 

I hate to say it, but I often see women falling for men who make them feel most insecure. It is as if they too have to prove that they are still relevant, and by making him feel like a man, they concede precious time, and their self respect to him.

 

But a man looking for validation is just a starving dog. He will chase whatever moves, and follow any woman who pays a bit of attention to him. As soon as she throws him a bone, he is temporarily satisfied, and now wants to see if he can find a meatier bone. Unfortunately, the older a man gets, the more likely he is to be seeking validation. Younger men don’t need it, they are surrounded by it. But a man in touch with his  mortality, will stop at nothing to prove what a man he is. And the only proof he needs, is your interest. As soon as he gets it, he will start looking elsewhere.

 

This article is not to say that there are no healthy men out there. In fact, they are everywhere. I am a big believer that women are the prize, and that there are more men looking for women, than there are women searching for a man. You just have to open your eyes and see what is really happening.

 

If you meet a man who refers to himself as a real man, run! Know that he has a lot to compensate for, and chances are, you are his compensation. If you meet a man who starts the conversation by pointing out your insecurities, your age, your single status, your childlessness, know that he is preying on your fears. This is not a man, this is an empty shell trying to prove he is a man. If you see a man who proudly displays all the women he has had, especially if he flaunts younger women half his age, know that he is desperately clutching to his manhood. Chances are those women are platonic friends, hanging out only because he is throwing money, parties, and showering them with fun to show them what he can do.

 

Know that a real man is only that man who is looking for a real woman. A real woman is not a child half his age. If he has a history of dating young twits, run! He is looking at you for validation, not for your brain, or your authenticity.

 

It is time we call it for what it is. These men are not men, so why are we taught to pander to them and keep treating them like a man? Is it some unspoken crime to point a finger at a man’s insecurity, and call him out on it? It is not completely their fault either. They grew up in a world that convinced them they are men at the age of 5. At that age, they had nothing to show for it, and most still don’t. Don’t be the one to chase them, simply learn to spot a man looking to validate himself, then walk away.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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I’m Bossy

I’m bossy.

It is a favorite characteristic of mine. I am a natural, and I have been bossy since I was in diapers. Many people have a problem with that, and for most of my life I have been trying to soften my direct way of expressing myself, my blunt words, and my personal strength.

We all know what it is like to try to suppress our natural way of being. And those inspirational memes, and yoga mat philosophers, all point out that we should love ourselves for who we really are, not accept criticism, be who we want to be. So finally, I am becoming more Me.

For some, bossy is a dirty word. It has so many negative connotations, as most people know what it is like to be bossed around. I do no such thing. I am a great leader, and I am proud of it. The only proof I need is knowing that people flock to me, and in almost every segment of their lives, ask me what they should do. I give great advice, and they are always grateful for it.

I inspire men and women to be more. I don’t preach, instruct or proselytize. In fact, I never offer my opinion or advice unless someone asks for it, as I have full confidence in their ability to know their jobs and know themselves.

Even when I was a child I was a great leader. I could inspire a street full of kids to skip lunch, run off to some park, jump in a lake, and have the time of their lives, and then not feel guilty when it’s time for punishment.

But like most bossy ladies, I was told to not be so bossy. It wasn’t a positive quality, and it was likely to earn me some haters, some critics, and I would be viewed as a not so pleasant person to be with. Though I never experienced hate from other children, (if they didn’t like what I was doing, they were always free to go), and people always flocked to me, I was still very much afraid of being perceived as bossy.

But who was teaching me to not be so bossy? My first critic was my father. When I was a kid, I refused to hold his hand, I could walk all of my own, I openly disagreed with his opinions even when I was four, had no problem defying him even when his voice got too loud, and his words too hurtful. It didn’t matter that he said I was a horrible daughter for defying him, that I got called a bitch before I owned my first bra, I knew who I was and my opinions always mattered to me. I was not willing to trade them in exchange for his approval.

We live in an age when women are starting to shatter that glass ceiling, and are no longer willing to pander to fragile masculinity, nor accept a more submissive role.  Suddenly, it is more acceptable to have balls, even show off when ours are bigger than theirs. We live in an age when women outnumber men in the workforce, complete advanced degrees at higher rates, and are finding out that we in fact make excellent bosses. Some are still struggling with balancing their femininity with their leadership traits, but I am not.

I gave up on the balancing act, when I realized that I am very much a woman, and absolutely love it, but I also am an excellent leader, and when it is time to lead, I feel no need to prove to anyone that I am still woman. Anyone can see that just by looking at me.

I have always had balls bigger than any man I know. My only mistake was trying to hide them. I paid a heavy price for trying to downplay my power, I spent years trying to soften myself up to get along better with my parents, and fit myself into a family I was never meant to conform to. I was meant to rebel against them, so that I could be who I am today.

I married a man who was my equal, but then expected me to take a more accommodating role when we realized that two people cannot grow in the same direction when they have different career goals. Though he was quite aware of my balls, in fact he relied on my intelligence, strategy and foresight to advance his own career, he ego broke the day I made a mistake to point out my larger paycheck and bought a Porsche all on my own. That is the day our marriage ended.

Friends, therapists and family members pointed out that I emasculated him, and that I should have chosen a more feminine way to reward myself for a job well done. A pair of diamond studs would have been a more fitting way for me to celebrate my accomplishment without shattering his ego.

As soon as I separated, I embarked on a dating adventure, which turned out to be a huge learning experience. For my sheer delight, I dated all kids of beautiful creatures, and tested their perception of me in order to figure out what kind of a man could accept my success without trying to dominate me.  At first, it was clear that pretty much every man was deeply interested in Me, and that I had no problem attracting whoever I want. But as soon as the relationship progressed to them seeing the trappings of my lifestyle (beautiful apartment I pay for by myself, world travel to exotic destinations, and of course the man-car sitting in my driveway), the reactions fell into one of two camps.

There were the macho men, who tried to take charge of me, and mansplain how to properly handle that Porsche. The hilarious truth was that none of those guys had actually sat in one before. Then there were the codependents who immediately saw me as their rescuer, and a relationship with me would solve all their problems. And then there were the “real men”, the guys a woman my age would never want to date, who were convinced that my problem was that I just don’t know what a “real man” is (i.e. 40″+ waist size, doughy physique, bald head, and spongy dick). The ballsy bitch that I am, I have no problem seeing through their fragile masculinity, pointing out all their shortcomings, and putting them in their place exactly where they belong.

I think my body produces an overdose of testosterone, and I could never keep it in check. I now know that I was never meant to. Over the last 6 years, I have been falling in love with who I am. First, I fell in love with my body, that body I have been neglecting and criticizing so much for years. Then I fell in love with my huge heart, and other people responded by showering me with love and affection. I fell in love with my lifestyle, and started to live as ecstatically and independently as I was always meant to.

Finally, I am falling in love with my balls. Those balls that have been making me feel ashamed of being so tough, so outspoken, so temperamental, so ambitious, so confident and so secure, are finally coming out, and I am proud. If that turns men off, perfect! I found a new way to filter the pussies out of my life.

Oddly, more men are flocking to me. Some are just here to stare. They dare not ask me out (they know what my answer is), they come close to see if I am who I claim to be. They stand on the sidelines and make comments to puff themselves up, but they dare not cross my line. My exes stand in awe of me. They are exes for a good reason. They couldn’t man up when I wanted them to stand firm, but they respect who I am as a person, and frequently state they wish they were more man for me. It is nice to have their undying, yet platonic loyalty. And of course, there are always the haters. That lowest hanging fruit no woman is competing for, who will always refer to themselves as “real men”, and boast how women just don’t know what’s good for them.

But in all honesty, I love being bossy. I am in touch with my true character, and am starting to revel in my power. That power isn’t masculine at all. Bossiness is a female characteristic, and has been since the dawn of mankind. Bossy women have always been 100% aligned with their Goddess qualities. After all, what is a Goddess? She is God. She is not lesser than God, nor submissive to God, she is God.

Does God need permission? No. Does she need approval? No. Does she need guidance from mere mortal? No. A Goddess is a woman who knows herself. She is 100% in touch with the qualities that make her God, and she revels in her being at all times. Each of us has her own qualities that make us uniquely us. I may be bossy, adventuresome, hedonistic and loving, you might be more earthy, tempestuous, knowing and deliberate. Knowing who we are, and being just that, IS the idea behind The Goddess Principles.

I am bossy. No apologies, no regrets.

S

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