Whom Are You Hurting The Most?

“Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you.”– Eckhart Tolle

I have been looking for clues to the root cause of a couple of issues I still have to work on, and I could not figure out exactly what they are. I knew something doesn’t feel right within me, but no amount of meditating was exposing it. I know I have a few big internal blocks, and I falsely believed that they must be so deep that I just can’t reach that part of myself.

Then I came across the above quote by Eckhart Tolle (who I am proud to say has liked a few of my Goddess Instagram posts before).  That quote hit me like a ton of bricks, because it resonated so well. My blockages have not been buried so deep inside me that only a psychiatrist could chisel them out. They have been right in front of my eyes, literally, all along.

A while ago, a friend who was struggling emotionally was telling me about the multiple health conditions she has. As soon as she heals one with prescriptions or medical treatment, she is diagnosed with another autoimmune disease. By now, she has 3 diagnosed autoimmune diseases, going on four. I do to. What is autoimmune disease? The oversimplified definition is when the body attacks itself. Why would our own body, attack itself? It would not- a healthy body would not do that. A body’s purpose is to protect the self, to keep it healthy. But sometimes the body physically reacts to communicate with you that you are doing something wrong. What?

Though I wasn’t smart enough to see it within me, I was astute enough to ask my friend immediately, How have you been attacking yourself? It took her 3 seconds to give me an accurate, self-knowing reply. I fight with myself in my own head. I have repeating thoughts that I cannot shut off. I battle with myself to shut them off, but my mind is on auto-repeat, and yes, even though mentally and emotionally I seem to be fighting others, I am doing harm to myself. She knew herself.

I too have had very obvious battles in my head that I ascribed to my monkey-mind. I wrote about this before. Years of toxic relationships with toxic people are replaying in my head like a broken record. My brain never shuts up, unless I still it intentionally through meditation. But when I allow it to do what it wants, I am still fighting in my head with every “bad guy” I ever met. And yes, there are my favorite “bad-guys” who fit a certain stereotypical profile I won’t discuss here.

We all have a boogeyman, a “bad guy”, somebody who hurt us, destroyed us, sucked the life out of us. Many of us continue the battle long after the relationship is over, and the person is permanently out of our lives.  Many of us are completely aware of who we are battling with, but many of us are simply triggered by certain kinds of people, and we wonder why we have such an automatic and negative response to a seemingly benign person.

What is the harm of having a mental boogeyman, or having continued mental battles within yourself? You see, that anger and rage we feel inside us every time we bring up that injustice or person. Is a bad, negative energy. We might think we are expressing our anger and rage at them, but instead, we are feeling that emotion within us.  That person may or may not choose to accept our anger and digest it. If they are healthy, they will realize the anger is yours and they will choose not to engage with you. But, you are the owner of those bad emotions. You produce them on command any time someone triggers you. Those bad energies reside within your own body. You nurture them, you coddle them, and you spew them out without any thought of how you are hurting yourself. You might think your anger is directed at other people, but they are within you, and they are hurting you. Don’t be surprised if years after you have not dealt with them, you start to develop physical conditions that reflect how you feel about yourself. Your body is a reflection of who you are. If it is misbehaving, or not working correctly, it is physically reacting to your rage, anger, resentment, whatever you have that is not resolved.

This morning when I read that quote by Eckhart Tolle I realized exactly what I still resent in other people, and yes, I can admit that I still hold that resentment within myself. And as someone who is highly intuitive, I can feel exactly where in my body I carry that resentment. It is of no surprise that I feel the most discomfort, pain, and bad energy exactly where the X-rays show I need the most healing.

So, everyone has their own resentments, anger, pains, and we all carry it and project it onto others. It is normal for us to not want to see that, nor admit it, but if you genuinely want to know, look for answers in your own head. If you’re not that introspective, then ask people. Ask different kinds of people who are likely to tell you the truth, not sugar-coat it. Friend, you know me so well. Tell me honestly, what do you see within me? What is my problem, what issues do you think I have, do you see anger within me? And if that doesn’t work, find a good therapist. There is a very good reason that you are emotionally reactive. It is a clue about what you have to resolve within yourself.

If you don’t, you will continue to repeat relationship problems or life situations over and over again, and you will falsely believe that misfortune is happening to you, and you will fail to realize that you are creating it within yourself. So, who are you triggered by? Who do you hate, rage, attack within your own mind? You might be a nice and polite person, and never offend people verbally. Pay attention to who you are fighting with on the inside.  Again, there is no shame in doing so, but by resolving that, you are healing yourself, and moving on.

S

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

How To Protect Your Energetic Space

Here is a post for the more sensitive ladies in the group. Many of you meditate, many of you do yoga, many of you know how to take care of yourself, and many of you are aware of energy. Do you know how to protect your energy, how to ground yourself, how to seal yourself off, and how to remain sovereign and supreme in your own space? If you don’t, this post is for you.


If you don’t understand what I am talking about, ponder this for a minute. What would happen to a body physically, if a surgeon did not stitch the person up? If that incision remained open, what would happen to the patient and their personal wellbeing? Every one of you knows what would happen next. Germs would enter the body, an infection could happen, the person could get sicker, even die. So what happens to your energy field when you remain open, and forget to protect it?


Here is what I learned during my 15+ years of meditating. Meditating feels wonderful. It is a very healing practice, that makes us feel balanced, stable, positive, blissful, high on life, even powerful. It feels so good that most of us want to stay there for extended periods of time. More of you do yoga, and some describe the positive effects on your body as addictive. We all want to feel good, so we pursue the practices more.


But, there are also negative effects of meditation, yoga, or any practice that involves “opening up”. Some of you may have noticed that you have become much more sensitive to negative energies. You spend much of your time in that positive space, that the negative becomes much more noticeable, even unbearable. Many of you join groups to practice yoga or to meditate, and this is something I want to caution you about. The reason I advocate for solo practice in your own personal, clean, healthy space is because during your practice you open your energy field, you open yourself up to whatever energy is around you. When the practice is over, many of you forget to stitch yourself up, seal off your energy space. I used to forget to ground myself for years, and caused myself accidents, energy attacks, all kinds of things too weird to describe here.
Never practice yoga or meditation, nor any other practice that expands your energy field around other people. If you are sensitive, you know exactly what I am talking about. You are sharing energy with others, and if someone in that room is emotionally unhealthy you have no way of knowing it. Their energy will affect you, can even make you feel bad.


Recently, a friend who meditates on a regular basis experienced a breakup with a cheater. The man is toxic, and being highly sensitive to energy, makes it more difficult to end a bad relationship. Why? You can break up with a physical person, block them, never see them again. But that person’s energy is an imprint that can stay with you for a long time. In my opinion, energy is more toxic than any disease. You will be able to feel energy, long after the person is gone. Luckily, my friend understands this and knows what to do.


If you are sensitive to energy, you will have a harder time cutting off that connection. That means that you must take better care, before, during, and after relationships to deal with only healthy people.

One of the side effects of meditating for over a decade, is that my energy field has expanded. I am a magnet for people, especially for men. Don’t laugh, this is actually not a desired effect. Imagine meeting men for only a few minutes, but then be followed by them, pursued, stalked for years. My energy field is bright, and high. Often people feel intoxicated around me. Many unaware men automatically think that this means they are in love. The confuse their feelings with love, when in fact they just had a taste of what it feels like to be in a permanent state of bliss. Positive energy, or Goddess energy can be addictive, so be very careful who you share that with.

I can’t leave a grocery store without men following me out. This can be scary, if you don’t understand what to do about it. In 2017, there were three people sleeping on my lawn waiting for a chance to talk to me. A man was once waiting for me in front of my PO Box for a week, waiting to see me. Women get addicted to me too, desperately wanting to be my friend. Positive energy and bliss are intoxicating, it feels good to people, they want to feed on it. They want some of what you’ve got. But, things can get ugly if you don’t know how to seal it off.

It takes time to learn to seal off your energy space. It was a long process for me. In the mean time, if you are not quite sure of how to protect your energy, do what you need to do physically. I continue to unfriend or block people whose energy feels unhealthy to me. I shut of my attention to that person, I don’t let my thoughts or awareness to flow there. You may have to physically move away until you learn how to block energy.


A lot of women are eager to bond with someone. That desire for a deep bond exposes them in unhealthy ways. That need to bond can be so strong, that they fail to evaluate people, don’t screen men well, don’t take time to read all the signals, pay attention to see if this male has good intentions. Most women don’t even know what he wants, but are so eager to bond that they open up immediately. This is a hard and painful lesson I had to learn. Being cautious is not being hardened or distrustful of men. It means you are honoring yourself by taking time to learn whether the other is in your highest interest.
So, if you are sensitive to energy, or if you are just starting to notice physical and mental changes as you are learning to meditate, please study some techniques for grounding, sealing energy off, shifting attention, and if you are not good at that, open your mouth and just say NO. Yes, not allowing people into your personal space is sometimes the best way.


But, there are a lot of methods out there for grounding. You do this before and after yoga or meditation. Since I meditate a lot, I have to remind myself daily to do this frequently. It is a matter of pulling your energy back down into your physical body, and remaining more connected to the ground or earth. In addition, I shift my attention into the present, and make sure that all 5 of my senses, sight, sound, smell, touch and hearing are fully present by seeing things much more vividly in the now.
I also use my “sealed jar” technique. How would your senses perceive the now, if you were sitting inside a sealed container? Imagine that for a minute. Your senses would be impermeable, you’d be immune to any toxin outside the jar.


This is how I close up my energy. I practice sealing myself off when I am in a group of people, any place where there is tension, stress, aggression, even the subway 🙂
But most of all, you have to be aware of who is in your personal space. You have heard the term “my body is my temple”. It absolutely is. But you have to protect your temple, keep it clean, safe, healthy and honor it every day. How are you honoring yourself when you are not screening the men you share your temple with? Are they healthy? How do you know? What do people do inside a temple? They get down on their knees and worship. Do the men in your life worship you? Do they honor you? Do they revere you? Then why are they in your temple?


If you are aware of energy, even if that awareness is slowly growing, you are noticing that it is becoming a little harder to keep your energy aligned when other people enter your space. By no means am I telling you to kick people out, nor to be egotistical about your personal space. That will make you just as toxic.


Instead, practice techniques that make you impenetrable to bad energy. A lot of people see themselves as “empaths”- I don’t like that term. They see their awareness of energy as something special. Well, they are seeing themselves through their own ego. That’s not so special. Being a powerful woman means being impervious to bad energies, opinions, judgements of others. Are you impervious or do you fall apart when someone looks at you the wrong way?


Goddess Power is knowing how to remain balanced despite what everyone else is doing around you. The purpose of relationships is to teach you that. You will have many relationships in your life, but the most important lesson you can learn is how to remain in complete balance, how to remain supreme surrounded by people who are trying to push you out of balance.


So, do your daily yoga and meditation alone. If you need other people, study yourself and ask why? Whether you are doing yoga, meditating or if you are in a romantic relationship, your energy field is open. You may be trying to connect to someone. You may be experiencing negative effects of having an unpleasant energy in your space. Pay attention! This is your space, you are open, and you are laying there exposed.
The best lesson I learned on this meditation journey is how to ground myself, how to seal off my own energy, how to stitch myself up, how to not feel other people. Practice, practice, practice.

S

Posted in Blog | 1 Comment

What I learned From Ignoring All Men for a Year

Some of you know that I have been practicing holding onto my attention instead of giving it away to unnecessary distractions. In essence, I have been practicing mindfulness, but on a whole other level. My attention only goes to what I want, and I intentionally decide in advance to what kinds of people and situations I will give it to. For example, I don’t give attention to repeating news, opinions, and only selectively read what I need to know, which is just the facts.  This allows me to stay emotionally stable during these tough times.

About 18 months ago, I realized that despite my best efforts, I am still drained by people. When I thought about how people clamor for my attention, and how I am wasting it, I realized that the vast majority of my attention is being asked  for, even demanded by men who are of no personal interest to me. Yes, women do that too, but in my life, I get surrounded by men everywhere I go, and what is annoying they assume they are entitled to talking just because I am there.

Inappropriate men seek my attention for reasons that only make sense to them. My coworkers dial my phone number in off hours just to get to know me better. My male friends who I have been just friends with for years, pester me to give them a chance. Strangers follow me from the coffee shop to my home. Who gave you permission to follow a woman down the street to her home? Indian men follow me to public events then corner me and talk at me for forty minutes (unless I cut them off) to propose marriage without any signal from me that I am even interested. They don’t care if I am not.  

Older men, the most starving of all, are “entitled” to my attention, and they start telling me that they are a real man and spell out what they can do for me in the first 30 seconds of meeting me. Usually they begin a conversation by mentioning how much money they have and what they are willing to pay for. Absolutely disgusting. I have a travel network. Men see my itineraries online, and purchase a trip traveling to an international destination assuming that I will be their girlfriend. They get there and are extremely disappointed when they find out they purchased a flight and a travel package, and they get none of my interest at all. Years later, some of them are still contacting me to find out if I am ready to get serious with them. Are you kidding me?

Yes, in my life, it is the men who are the biggest drain of my time and attention. People think that I should be enjoying it, but I absolutely recoil at being drained. People who do that are needy, hungry, lonely, entitled, toxic, and I had to figure out a way to cut my energy from them. Nothing worked. The more I tried to unfriend, block, not talk to them, the harder they tried to get my attention. It is as if “No” only incites them to persist harder.

So, I decided to stop fighting men, and learn to withdraw my energy instead. I tune them out, ignore them, pay no attention at all. About 18 months ago, I decided to pay attention selectively, and only to men who are of specific interest to me, to see if that helps. My strategy was to tune out everybody, avert eye contact, not answer messages, not initiate nor invite a conversation, not smile, not accept drinks from, not be present to males I have no personal interest in. Of course, I have to work with men, but I work with them in a detached manner, only conversing about work. In my private life, I have managed to be completely tuned out of males, unless I am dating one, or romantically interested in one. While I was doing this for 18 months, there were only two men in my private life who could get my attention, and only after I determined that the connection was healthy and satisfying to me. Otherwise, no attention to males who are not sleepable, datable, or of romantic or sexual interest at all.

When you think about it, this is the most practical thing to do. Why would anyone give away attention freely? Women are conditioned to do this for everyone, to smile warmly at any stranger who is entitled to her smile. I decided to do the opposite. I emitted no signal that I want attention for eighteen months. Here is what happened.

I carved out more time for myself. I gave myself permission to not answer messages or texts from men I have no personal interest in. No apologies were given.

At parties, I scanned the room and identified a few males I might be interested in talking to, while ignoring everyone else. If no interesting males were around, my attention was given to women. When men try to talk to me, I openly say I have no interest. I make no excuse like ‘sorry I have a boyfriend” because that is a lie, and why should I lie to protect a man’s feelings? “No thanks (to the drink) I am not interested”. It was uncomfortable to say this unapologetically, but why do I owe him an apology? Is saying No an insult? Only to insecure or egotistical men.

Being unapologetic was uncomfortable at first because I knew that men were waiting for a polite excuse “I would be interested if only it wasn’t for that pesky boyfriend”. But no apology and no explanation soon started to feel honest to me, it felt right, and the more comfortable I stared to feel, No, felt truthful, and powerful. Who could pester you for your time when you directly and clearly say no? The second thing I noticed is that I feel better about myself, and was slowly starting to feel more powerful, knowing that no one could drain me unless I allow them to pester me for attention.

The third effect of ignoring all men, is that I got ten times more unsolicited attention from men than ever. Unsolicited or unwanted attention is not pleasant. No one wants to be hounded by hungry attention seekers. At first, I was annoyed, but then I decided to examine who are these people who believe they are entitled to me?

Yes, most men who chase even more when they are being ignored are toxic. Think about it, would a healthy person pester, nag or hunt a person who clearly stated that she is not interested? No, a healthy man would have too much respect for himself.  Unhealthy women do this too, they chase or nag even harder when their object of interest is not.

One day I read all my unread messages to find that the vast majority of these males are entitled, demand to talk to me, accuse me of being a you know what when I won’t reply, some even cursed me. My advice to you is to allow men to write, they will tell you exactly what you need to know about them.  I would not have known how any of these males truly feel if I was politely allowing them to talk at me at an event. I would have been feeding them my energy and attention, and they would have been getting an ego stroke from me, even though I would never intend that. But, ignoring them allowed me to read and hear what these males really think.

Any male can be polite when he thinks he will get what he wants but pay close attention to who he becomes when he knows he cannot get anything at all. So far, I have seen rage, anger, insults, threats, stalking (yes two showed up on my lawn, and a few followed me to events in other cities). One even tried to discredit me in front of a dozen mutual friends as revenge for my rejection. Are these real men? What did I do to make them angry? This strategy of not engaging anyone in conversation at all, allowed me to filter unhealthy men. I never would have had the ability to see them as they truly are had I removed the filter and allowed everyone a bit of my time. I appreciate knowing.

However, withdrawing my attention also had a positive effect. It allowed me to identify quality men more effectively. Two guys noticed that my attention is not easily attainable. They both noticed that I don’t spread myself too thin with male attention, that I do not feed on it, that my ego doesn’t get boosted by male presence, in fact that I do not need it.  I am still talking to both and am interested in them equally. My level of interaction with them is healthier than before, because I allowed them to show me who they are as people, their character, how they feel about women in general, what is their motive, and I got to see that upfront before getting invested at all.

In general, I think that withdrawing attention from all males I have no personal interest is working for me. I spend less time texting, answering messages, and even having drinks with males I do not intend to see again. Most of the time, I know I don’t want him in the first 30 seconds of the date, why waste an hour of my time with someone I know I don’t want?

I get more unwanted attention, but the wanted attention I get is of higher quality. I also realized that I have more time to pay attention to my own personal interest. Very few women date based on who they want to date, most accept offers from who is available. That is not much of a choice at all. In the last 18 months I have sharpened my senses, and I have a better idea of the kinds of characteristics I appreciate in men and the kinds that I now immediately avoid.

Knowing who I want is a huge advantage. I now don’t waste my time politely dividing my attention among people who are asking, instead I zero in on who I want. If that particular male is not interested in me, I am completely okay with it. I do not pursue nor wait for someone who is not interested. But, managing my attention, and allowing to only flow towards males I am interested in, helps me be more selective, and I get a higher quality of interaction from the males who matter to me.

This is a subject I feel very strongly about. I think that women are raised to be polite, flatter males on command, smile at everyone to make them feel good about themselves, make males feel brave about their manhood, and then they wonder how they unintentionally gave a male they don’t want romantically an indicator that he should pursue them. A lot of these same nice girls who support any male ego, wonder how they repeat painful cycles with toxic males who feed of their energy and attention but cannot contribute anything healthy to a relationship at all. They give attention on command. They smile automatically at anyone who is entitled to her validation. If you cater to people with your energy or your attention, don’t be surprised when they are just there to feed their egos.

My reverse strategy, to never give attention to anyone who is not of specific interest to me has worked in my favor. No, it wasn’t easy to get used to energetically blocking 99.9% of males. But, as Seinfeld said, 99.9% of the population is unsleepable. Women aren’t looking to hook up with 99.9% of males in this world, yet 99.9% of males firmly believe that’s she is interested in him. Why do they believe that? Because 99.9% of the women in this world are raised to be nice to everyone, to smile at everyone, to make everyone feel good and supported. That’s why.

If you are like me, and are wondering why unwanted males hound you, continue to pursue despite your resistance, and orbit you for years waiting for your attention, you might be unwittingly emitting a signal that shows them you could be supportive, giving, pleasing, stable, welcoming, enduring. Those are wonderful qualities, but you only want to give that to one man you have deemed worthy, not everyone who wants that. We all send that signal to everyone by being nice, caring, loving, positive, supportive. I am not instructing you to not be that, I am telling you to give all that to people who are worthy of you, not everyone.

The only way you will figure out who is worthy of your time is by carefully considering who specifically you want as a partner, and second, withholding that attention until that person has demonstrated interest, an ability to have a healthy relationship, that he is emotionally mature and healthy, that what he wants out of a relationship meets your needs, and that his commitment is unshakable. You cannot possibly know if he is the one you want if you are feeding him energy and attention upfront. And you can’t possibly identify him if you are emitting your signal to every male to pick up. I guarantee that the wrong males will come to feed on your signal, and you will be wasting time coddling the unwanted ones.

Spend an extended period of time making a list of characteristics and qualities that you want in a male. By now you have years of experience and material to be able to identify the inner qualities that work for you. The more time you spend homing in on what you want, the more it will become evident that you wasted your time giving attention to males who don’t come even close. The longer you stay focused on those wanted characteristics, the more dismissive you will be to males who are there to waste your time. Do not feel guilty, everybody is wasting your time and attention unless they are who you want. You are looking for one, not a hundred, so only focus on what or who you want.

When you shut off your signal, be prepared to feel uncomfortable. Males will feel entitled to your energy and your attention, and some of them will be absolutely belligerent when your presence no longer feeds their ego, nor validates them. Be okay with that. They are demonstrating that they were feeding off your energy from the start. You are not looking for an energy vampire, you are looking for a healthy man.

How many times have you left a relationship feeling drained, spent, only to realized you were in a connection with an unhealthy male? Don’t you wish you knew up front who he was? Isn’t a man’s emotional health one of the most important attributes women should look for? Then don’t feel bad that you have to screen for it. When I started blocking my signal and started directing it only to the males I want, I saw the side of maleness I never wanted to see. I saw that a lot of these males who were pursuing me were after energy, validation, an ego boost. Some looked absolutely desperate, hungry, starving for their manhood and were after me to fill their vacant insides. Yes, you will see this side of males too, but you must see it in order to understand that these are not healthy people, and that they cannot offer you a loving relationship. You have to be steadfast in this approach, because it will allow you to see the truth, you will see the inside of a male long before your become involved with him, and this is a must if you want to eliminate unhealthy candidates.

This will be unpleasant at first, but it will serve you once you become comfortable. Understand this is a display of their nature and has nothing to do with you. Don’t allow them to judge you, do not engage in exchanges of words, simply tune out once you see who this truly is. He is not for you, keep walking. Non-engagement is key. Engagement will only drain you further, so you must always remain detached from males acting inappropriately or with lack of respect. Do not compromise on this.

The world is full of healthy men. They are handsome, educated, strong, healthy, loving, caring, worldly, evolved, conscious, capable of having relationships on a higher level. How would you identify them? You can’t if you are giving time and attention to every male who asks for it. You cannot identify the healthy ones, while you are apologizing to the unhealthy ones. Practice only giving attention to what is wanted, and don’t waste your time and energy engaging nor justifying yourself to people you don’t want.

Do what you must do that is in your best interest. I had to block over 150 males who displayed lack of respect toward women in general, lack of respect toward me, psychological imbalance like anger, rage, shame, mind games. Yes, mind games are a red flag, not an opportunity to become engaged in conversation. I silenced males like coworkers, elderly, anonymous males who were contacting via any social media channel they could. No consideration at all. I silenced orbiters, those males who have been circling me for years, dropping in occasionally to check in to see if I am interested now. I silenced them by directly stating: “I noticed you have been asking me the same question for years, and I want to clarify that when I said no four years ago, I did not give any indication that you should wait”. Why did I say that? To cut off the energy. Those of you who are sensitive to energy can feel the presence of people in your energy field. I won’t go into details, but that too is a drain.  If you feel it and if it doesn’t feel good, cut it off. You don’t need that attention, not even from a respectful distance.

I can honestly say that I feel healthier now. I have tuned out toxic news channels, energy vampires, and males who I was wasting time with. I have more time to focus on what I do want in my life. Sometimes I want to focus on a man, and sometimes not. The ability to shift focus has given me more power to pursue those wanted things. We simply do not have enough time to give our attention to everyone who demands it.

S

Posted in Blog | 2 Comments

How To Shatter Your Own Illusions And Adjust To This New Reality

I’m not sure who said something to this effect: “the curse for creating illusion is living with more illusions”. We all create our own illusions, choose beliefs which reflect who we want to see in ourselves and other people, and we all live in a hall of mirrors we have chosen to protect ourselves, our identity, our ego, and our reality. None of us are immune to illusions.

Some of us are truth seekers, so we strive to see beyond that hall of mirrors. We can question our own beliefs and our own selves so that we can learn, move beyond, become more. And others hang onto their illusions for dear life because it is safe in there. When a new truth or reality threatens their world view, they choose to hang on to their beliefs, and the only way they can do that is to stay within that hall of mirrors, They adjust their beliefs only so much as to maintain their existing reality, to maintain their identity, to maintain the old, unchanging, unevolved self.

But, when we do that, our world becomes smaller and smaller. Our reality becomes so fragile, that we constantly must work to seal the cracks in our old mirror. We only adjust our beliefs so much as to create a new seal for a mirror that is almost shattered. When that old mirror catches a reflection of a new world or a brighter light, they quickly throw a blanket over it to make sure that mirror still reflects their old world view.

This is not a critique of any people in particular; we all do this in certain areas of our life. We want to believe certain things that have always made us feel good, and we all hang onto outdated beliefs. The world is constantly changing. Change is the only permanence in the world. How would it benefit us to still believe that the earth is flat, that evil spirits are responsible for disease, that powerful or independent thinking women are witches, and that flight is only possible through magic? You chuckle, but we all believe in something that no longer serves us.

The world has never evolved for the worse. Change is always uncomfortable and painful, so people blame it for their inability to adapt. It is tempting to stay attached to old people, things, and beliefs, because any new belief or reality that comes in feels like a slap in the face. We all earn whatever happens to us when we refuse to grow. Every time that I have clung onto false beliefs, I crashed and burned of my own doing. Nobody did it to me. Of course, I blamed whoever was in my situation at the time, but I always did it to myself because my belief system refused to budge.

I earned every painful lesson, but I also grew from it. In isolation, I have been pondering: What people, beliefs or things have I been hanging onto? How have I kept myself stuck in the past? How am I refusing to grow and move on? What distractions have kept me off my path? In what ways am I holding myself back?

Isolation has been good for me, as I am sure it is good for all of us. It has been uncomfortable to watch friends clash because of their belief systems. It has been sad to see 2 friends die, and another 6 succumb to disease. I have been unfriended by dozens of people who do not like what I have to say. I am okay with all of it. It is supposed to happen. I am losing two important people, who have always been a crutch for me. It is time that I learn to walk without crutches. I am not sad because this is part of my changing reality. More of my reality will continue to change and I will be okay with it. In fact, I am allowing for the new reality to come in without any resistance. It will be uncomfortable, but I will adjust to it, and I will grow in it.

And so will you. Resistance is a killer. Resistance clogs your flow. Resistance compounds your fear, anxiety, negativity. Fear spreads like a wildfire. Relax. You are doing great and are taking good care of yourself in isolation. Adjust to whatever new reality is coming in, even if it looks uncertain. You can choose to thrive in uncertainty rather than cower in it. You can float in the ocean, trusting that every new wave will carry you where you need to be, even though a wave has the capacity to pummel you. It is not the wave, it is your resistance and doubt that makes you go under.

Have you ever floated belly up in the ocean and wondered what exactly is holding you up above the water, even though you are not actively swimming? Have you noticed that the minute you start to question your ability to float, you see a wave coming, you try to resist it and you now have to start pedaling to stay above it? That is your resistance. Relax and allow yourself to adjust to the waves. There is a lot of power in uncertainty. The power is in knowing how to flow with it. Accept whatever comes without resistance, then slowly work to adjust to this new reality. The more relaxed you stay, the less change will hurt.

Allow all those old beliefs, relationships or patterns that no longer serve you to flow away. Do not argue or fight to keep them, but gently allow them to wash away. Whoever wants to go, let them without any resentment. Wish them the best. Whatever no longer works, allow it to crumble without any fear. Whoever is attacking you, nagging you, taunting you, allow them keep barking, pay attention to something else. Why?

If I made a fist and threw a punch at your face, it would hurt. But if you were in flow, you would slowly bend like a reed in the wind, and my punch would miss you. My punch could not hurt you. You would now be much more powerful than anything I could do to you, and I would remain powerless. Instead of fighting people, or fighting a new reality, bend and flow.

When a hurricane passes through town, which objects get destroyed? It is the oldest, most rooted trees that fall in its path. It is the flowers and the reeds that can bend with the wind that survive. Go with this flow and you will adjust easily to whatever new reality you make.

S

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

How To Engineer Your Mind and Body Right Now

How do you want to feel? How would it feel to have your ideal day? How would the most beautiful morning feel to you? Peace, tranquility, a hot cup of tea, an invigorated body, sunny mood, having a lot to look forward to, good news?

Sit down with yourself, and consider for a moment what would it take for you to engineer that kind of a day. Yes, it is not up to Facebook to tell you how to feel, and it is certainly not up to the news to tell you what you should fear. It is 100% totally up to you.

The question I asked above, is not easy to answer by some. Times are uncertain, things feel uneasy, life is confusing. If you are like me and frequently experience anxiety and panic about things that are beyond my control, can you afford to feel the way you naturally feel? Can you afford to allow nature, mood swings, hormones, and other people to dictate how your day will be? I know that I cannot afford it.

Each day, like most people, I wake up with a pain, a belly ache, my face swollen, feeling fat, and my mood spiraling down into an abyss. This is especially likely when the sun is not out, and I anticipate a mailbox full of bills, emails, notices, and bad news. But, as soon as my feet touch the floor, I decide how I am going to feel. I engineer my day.

How do I want to feel? For that question to be answered powerfully and effectively, I cannot think nor allow myself the time to notice nor dwell on any of my issues. I don’t even glance at my aching shoulder because that ache is not how I want to feel. Imagine if I considered that ache for 30 minutes, imagine how I would feel after that.

How I want to feel is eager for my day to begin. I want to feel as optimistic and invigorated as if there was sunshine on my face. I want my body to feel energized, light, fluid, I want to experience a full range of motion with ease and flexibility. I want a ton of energy. How would my body and mind feel if I was full of energy? I want to feel powerful today. I will make the right decisions, the ones that are in my best interest and highest good without feeling torn about whether I could, should, or how would other’s feel if I did. I feel certainty that I can do that.

Rather than start your day in front of a computer, and allow yourself to absorb the prognosis from the news or Facebook, engineer your own prognosis for your body and your mind. Forecast how you will feel, and actually feel it as you are deciding.

Can you imagine how powerful it feels when you are the only decider of how you will feel? Can you imagine how strong, motivated, excited you will be when you realize that no one else can tell you? Can you imagine how it feels when your physical body starts following instructions that you gave it?

Each day I tell my body how it will feel. I meditate, and I get into the feeling that I want to experience, and I stay in that feeling as long as it feels great. Again, you don’t have to meditate, you can simply decide. If this sounds ridiculous to you, try it now. Choose the best feeling that is easiest for you to feel. Pick your easiest subject. For me, it is animals, especially wild ones. I have had some experiences encountering lions and tigers in the wild, and those were my highest, most blissful states I ever experienced here on earth.

Do not pick a subject that you feel a lot of resistance. For example, don’t force yourself to feel good about your financial situation if that subject gives you anxiety. I assure you, that the more you practice how you will feel, the easier it will become to choose how to feel even about the most challenging subjects. You will naturally be able to do this later.

For now, pick your favorite thing that makes you happy: sunshine, beaches, kids, baby animals- whatever automatically puts a smile on your face, that’s what you will feel intentionally. Stay in that feeling as long as it feels great.

Notice that when you can engineer how you feel even for 5 minutes, how does that chosen feeling effect your physical body. How does your heart feel holding that baby, or kitten in your hands. How does your mood feel when a butterfly lands on your shoulder?

You just succeeded in deciding how you will be. Sit down, and create a little time and space for yourself to decide how you will feel. Pick up a journal and start writing how you will feel right now, how much you will enjoy this morning, how your body will feel invigorated today, how your mind will respond to all information it has to process today. Who will you encounter?

I have a few nasty coworkers who make me not want to pick up the phone. I dread them. How can I feel better about myself while dealing with them? (I am not asking how can I feel better about them, they feel nasty to me. Instead, I am considering how can I feel better while dealing with them). I can choose to not absorb their negativity, I can choose to not listen, I can choose to direct the conversation where I want it to go. I can choose to structure our calls so that we don’t have time to talk about what makes them so miserable. I can choose mentally how I will feel when they make my phone ring. Rather than feel that practiced feeling of dread and stress, I will practice a new feeling. That new feelings is of a woman in charge, a woman with important things to do, a woman with no time for mindless chit chat, a woman with an agenda, a woman who can effectively direct them to do what needs to be done.. How would I feel if I decisively directed them to get their own projects done? I would feel empowered, I would feel firm I would feel strong, balanced, level-headed, I will feel powerful as soon as I talk to them today.

We decide how we feel. Unfortunately, most of us get lazy, sit our asses in front of the screen, and rather than take charge of how we feel, we lazily let TV, social media and our grumpy friends tell us how we should feel.

You have the power in every moment to decide how you will feel Now. I wrote about this in a previous post, but I have been battling anxiety since childhood, and in 2017 I spiraled down into depression. I crawled out of this without drugs. How did I do it? I accepted how dreadful I feel, I stopped resisting it, and then, moment by moment, minute by minute, I practiced changing my feeling. No, in that state you cannot change how you feel about that tax collector knocking on your door, but you can choose how you will feel when that hot shower loosens every muscle in your body, you can practice a blissful feeling for 2 minutes, yes you can.

When my mind and body refuse to follow me into bliss, I turn on some carefully chosen music. It is the music that makes you dance, it is the music that makes you sing, it is the music that makes you run a marathon that will guide you toward a better feeling. I never allow myself to listen to music with sad, disempowering lyrics of betrayal, loss, or sadness. I only listen to what makes me feel happy, blissful, powerful, skinny, energized, successful, positive. What you put in your brain is what comes out. You cannot smile listening to music of loss and tragedy.

Your input will always match your output. If you want a better output, spend 30 minutes each morning (you know you have the time), inputting better feelings. Your brain is a computer that you have programmed since childhood. Write a better program.

If you have pesky children who don’t give you 3 minutes to yourself, sit them down and have them write or dream about how they will feel today. Pay attention to how easy it is for a child to imagine, and how quickly they respond emotionally to things that feel good to them. If a child can do it, you can do it.

Some people begin their day with prayer. If you know how to pray effectively (without begging, pleading, whining, needing), then you may have recognized the power of engineering your day, even your life. God is not a lottery ticket, nor a genie whose job it is to make your wishes come true. You may have noticed that she does not respond to begging, nor whatever you feel entitled to. God helps those who help themselves. God responds to your knowingness, your feelings of worth, your peace, your open heart, your grace. You have to feel it first. Yes, you have to do the work on yourself.

Like everyone, I now have more time to myself than ever. And like everyone, I am wasting a lot of my time. Wasting time, does not feel good, eventually I will spiral down into something I do not want to feel.

I carry my journal with me everywhere I go. I sit under a tree behind the museum, and I write how I will feel all day long. When something comes up, like that 3pm call with my cranky coworkers, I spend as much time as it takes, to decide how I will feel ahead of time. 90% of the time I successfully engineer a more positive interaction with them.

As you practice this, you will see that your body will also feel how you practice. Your employees will also feel what you tell them to feel. Your mind will feel immediately more powerful knowing that it is YOU who instructed that feeling.

Imagine how people will feel about you when they notice that their instructions do not effect you. This Goddess only feels how she wants to.

S

Posted in Blog | 1 Comment

The Invisible Woman: How To Stand Out

That which clings repels . That which moves attracts. Who are you clinging to? Whose approval do you seek? Whose opinions matter the most to you? Whose validation do you compete for? 

Have you noticed that the people who are the most unapologetically themselves are also the people to whom others are most attracted to? Ironically, these are also the people who care little about who is attracted to them. They don’t need the validation.

The need for approval makes you invisible. All humans want to belong, but often belonging means succumbing to the beliefs and opinions of others. We have to adapt to the group in order to belong. Often belonging to a group means adjusting our beliefs systems, whether political, religious, or social. The more that we give up our own beliefs in order to belong, the less authentic we become, and the more that we desire approval from the group, the less attractive we become to those group members. Seeking approval makes us unattractive, less valuable, and less respectable. This is true when we also seek romantic relationships, business connections, approval of mentors, and family members. In essence, seeking approval makes us slaves to people and groups we try so hard to belong to.  

How to be visible? Practice being yourself. Who are you really? What do you truly believe in? Why are your authentic beliefs so difficult to express to others? Do you fear their disapproval, disagreement, any label they can place upon you? Do you fear their rejection? Then you fear being authentically yourself. 

Your authentic self lives buried deep inside you, and is afraid to come out for fear of what others might think of it. What is truly invisible is your authentic self. And you’re making a choice every day to keep yourself invisible.

Authenticity is highly attractive. But it comes at a hefty price. People will be threatened by your authentic self. They may be in disagreement with that authentic you. Authentic people get a lot of criticism. Authentic people often stand out from the crowd and are perceived as not belonging. Authenticity is challenging, and many people are not prepared nor self-assured enough to defend their authentic self.

When we learn self validation, we show the world that we have worth. When we learn to trust ourselves and our judgments, we discover we don’t need other people’s validation. We feel more authentic. We feel more proud to be ourselves. Pride and self worth are highly attractive.

When we become authentic and self validated, we naturally receive approval from others for our genuine qualities. Now there’s something of true value. Isn’t it of greater value to be appreciated by a few people who care for who we truly are, then to be loved by hundreds of people who approve of our mask? Your need for acceptance will make you invisible. Your need for approval makes you less worthy. That authentic you that is only you and no one else, is what you have to bring out into the light.

Yes, it is very uncomfortable, even scary to come out of the closet. Yes, in essence, you are revealing to the world your authentic you. For sure, people will judge you. For sure, somebody will talk about you. She’s not like us, she’s a little weird, she has issues, she’s so opinionated. They might even laugh. They might not ask you to hang out. The worst thing you can do is recoil and run back into the closet. The worst thing that you can do is ask them why. 

To be authentically you, you have to accept all that comes with being an authentic person. When approval truly isn’t needed, why they don’t want you is not important. Become more comfortable being the one standing outside the group and being confident about it.

Practice speaking confidently about your unpopular views. Don’t apologize for having a different opinion. If you want to truly be confident about your own belief system, then you have to study your own beliefs, find logic in your beliefs, and prepare to defend them like a rational person. Only a person who doesn’t have full intellectual grasp of her own beliefs, will be offended when others challenge her. Have the knowledge to back up your beliefs with proof and evidence. Only a person who doesn’t have full confidence in her beliefs will apologize for them. You have to fully know your subject, your self, and your position before you can stand firm and be confident.

Practice saying no. Practice disagreeing. Practice standing outside the group and feeling confident about it. Practice moving on. Practice changing direction and moving towards independence, self assurance, and learning subjects beyond the intellectual grasp of the group. 

It is only when you have your own direction that you become attractive to others. It is only when you stop clinging to others that they will find value in you. It is only when you have self worth, valid opinions of your own, that others will see you as a valid person. Even when they start validating you, you must understand that your own self validation is of greater value, than any admiration they could give you. If you want people to follow you, chase you, seek your company, then you have to start moving. This is true in business, romance, and social settings. No one chases a person going nowhere.

Clingy people repel. The ones moving attract. Don’t believe me? Watch a nature show and pay attention to how lions hunt. As lions are stalking a herd of impala peacefully grazing grass, there are usually a few animals grazing right there in front of the lion’s nose. You’ll never see a lion chase the closest impala. Unless the lions are sick or injured, their natural instinct will have them zero into that one particular impala that is running away. They will chase it only because it is getting away. The other that was grazing right under the lion’s nose is of no interest whatsoever. 

Quit clinging and start moving. Quit seeking approval and start approving of yourself. Quit apologizing and start expressing your true opinion and know why you believe it. Come out of your own closet. The reason you are invisible is because you’re trying to blend in, rather than stand out.

S

Posted in Blog | Leave a comment

THINK WITH INTENTION

How to think correctly to reprogram your mind, change your attitude on a difficult subject, decide how you will feel about an anxiety-causing situation, and create a response that will be in your highest interest? Again, the short answer is to meditate, however, that’s not easy for most people. So, I realized that often meditation is not necessary at all, and that we all get into a meditative state throughout the day, but are not aware of it. At those times, you can think with intention.

Meditative states happen naturally when you are driving on the highway, you reach your destination and wonder, How did I get here? I don’t remember this 2-hour drive. Your brain was functioning, after all, you reached your destination without crashing into anything. Yet, here you are, a 100 miles away, with no inkling about all the turns you took to get there. You were meditating. Have you ever picked up a paintbrush, and started painting, not with need to create something specific, but just allowed the paint to flow out of you and onto the canvas? You were meditating. Have you ever journaled in a relaxed manner, and allowed you ideas to just flow out of you? You were meditating, or in a state very close to it.

So. when I can’t meditate (when I have anxiety or panic attacks), my favorite way to correct my unreasonable panic-stricken, fear-mongering mind, is to start to write. I want to think with intention, but none of us can do that when our minds are racing a 100 miles an hour. I want to think only thoughts that will benefit me, but that only lasts 20 seconds, before my monkey mind takes over and starts repeating fear.

The pen and the words I write intentionally on paper, force my mind to flow along with it. Your mind can’t argue with what you are intensely focused on, it can’t argue with that pen writing what you intend. It can only follow the words on paper. While you want your mind to reach that meditative state and flow in the right direction on it’s own, you are going to pull it in the correct direction physically. Yes, your pen and your hand will pull your mind into the words it sees on paper. And eventually, as you stick to your intent: how you will feel, how you will accept, how you will process an uncomfortable emotion, pay attention to your body’s energy. It begins to relax when you decide that you will feel good, feel powerful, feel excellent when that big moment comes.

I have used this technique many times, and have always been able to reprogram my automatic responses with the ones I have practiced with just a pen and paper. I write for hours, and it is relaxing and enjoyable. Sometimes, I have a glass of wine. But always, I am able to decide how I will feel and act in the future when some unwelcome thing that is currently causing me anxiety happens.

What is anxiety? It is an irrational fear of something that has not happened. I am basically fearing the future, not living in the now. Why fear something that hasn’t happened? If you have anxiety, you know that sometimes the brain is triggered by the most irrational subjects. I have been triggered by dialing a phone number, reading an email, and every single year I have a major meltdown as tax time approaches. Even when I know I don’t own any money, that due date triggers me into an emotional tailspin.

I am currently anticipating an uncomfortable situation. There is plenty of evidence around me that shows it will happen soon. I fear the consequences, the hassle, the enormity, the frustration of dealing with it, the months it will take to settle, even the panic that I haven’t started to feel yet- I know I will panic in the future so I am panicking now, I know I will be frustrated by this process, so I am frustrated now. Does that make sense? Not at all. But that is my brain, and that is why I train it so much.

So, I am thinking with intention. I can’t bear to think about the implications of this upcoming situation, but I can ignore that for a minute and ponder how would a more powerful woman feel? What would a rational, intelligent, action-oriented woman do and how would she feel as she is doing it? A lot of women are much more assertive and intentional and goal oriented than I am, how would she feels as she is meeting her goals, and accomplishing these tasks one by one? Meditation is just reaching for that feeling, staying in that feeling, and then enjoying that feeling as long as possible. The feeling of power, ease, excitement, accomplishment, feeling satisfied, even empowered knowing you are acting in your best interest. But, writing in my journal can get me into that exact same place. When my brain resists, my hand and pen force it into that magic place where that difficult task is easily accomplished.   Thinking with intention is exactly that. Deciding rationally how you will feel, and practicing that feeling until it becomes an automatic response.

When I was 11, I came to America barely speaking any English. My school required all students to be proficient at public speaking, and we trained every year in speaking in front of an auditorium, then debate, and oratory contests. How do you do that when you can barely form a sentence in English? Imagining what this would feel like, literally made me shake in fear and cry every night. I didn’t want to go to school, and my dad tormented me even more “No daughter of mine will shake in fear on stage”. But just the thought of it made me piss my pants. I knew I couldn’t learn English in time to feel confident about speaking in front of the whole school. Instead I floated off into space and imagined what it would be like to speak like the most confident public speaker in class. Immediately I started to feel ease, power, this is fun, I can actually look people in the eye as I am relaxed behind the podium. Then I upped my projection and now I was a news anchor, speaking confidently, intelligently, staring straight into the camera like I know what I’m talking about. I noticed that the fear in my chest was replaced by excitement as I kept imagining I am her. I practiced with intention, how I would feel if I was the best speaker in the school.

Decades later, I think I am an excellent public speaker. At work, speaking in front of a conference room full of people who are much smarter than me, feels empowering. In fact, in my job, men who are more confident and more powerful in the office, have even asked me to deliver their presentations for them. I have convinced myself that I am the best, most confident, most powerful speaker on the planet. I sell out stadiums!

The reality is that it took many years for my English to become fluent, yet I succeed in speaking publicly when I practiced the feeling of confidence.

Have you got something scary coming up? Don’t let your brain tell you how difficult, impossible, unpleasant this battle is going to be for you, and certainly, don’t let it tell you about the agony you will feel when you lose. That’s just your brain talking. Instead,, use your mind. Your physical brain and your energetic mind are two separate entities. When one says no, use the other to practice the feeling of yes.

This is what I call intentional thinking. Decide how you will feel, practice the feeling of doing the right thing, making excellent decisions, acting in your best interest. You know how awesomely empowered you will feel when you act with ease, and certainty. You know how you feel when a job is well done. You know how excited you feel when everybody thinks you gave an excellent performance. You know how it feels to hear applause, great job, you did it! That feeling that you feel right now, IS that energy you want to practice in your body. That is what spiritual people refer to as transmutation- changing an energy from fear to ecstasy. That is alchemy, turning a base metal into gold. This is how you change your reality, and this is how you get a desired outcome every time.

S

Posted in Blog | 1 Comment