Is it smart to let men take the lead in relationships? Think about it, how is that smart? How is it smart to let him be in charge of the outcome? Is it smart to allow him to think that commitment is totally his decision? Is it smart to be in suspense while he is exploring other options and thinking about whom to keep seeing, whom to eliminate, who is too much trouble to deal with? Is it smart to let him dictate the terms of the connection, then go with his flow, when you are truly after a totally different kind of connection?
I don’t think so. I do believe that you can give him the perceived lead, when that illusion allows you to observe what is he truly after, who is he on the inside, what is his agenda, how much effort he is making, where is he when he is not with you, is he emotionally healthy? Placing him in the perceived lead is your own strategy, that allows you to see his motive. Just watch and learn. Pay attention, ask a few questions, but use his perceived lead to gather pertinent information so that you can make the right decision for yourself.
Ultimately, it is 100% up to you whether he gets to go forward or gets eliminated. However, most women don’t understand that the entire connection is entirely up to her. He may be knocking on your door, but if you are not paying attention to figure out what he wants, you are wasting your time letting him in.
Who is truly in the lead? You are. The woman says Yes or No. The woman allows behaviors, allows treatment, loosens and tightens boundaries, and ultimately decides if and when there will be sex. Do you realize that all those things are totally up to you, and that he has nothing unless you grant him the permission to work towards you.
In their false belief that the man decides exactly what he wants, and that they simply go along with it until he has chosen them, many women disempower themselves, place themselves at his mercy, wait around for him to grace them with his attention, sex or disappearing act. Take control ladies. It is not up to him at all, it is totally up to you what you say yes to. It is not up to him to take you out on three dates then expect sex, if and when you have sex is totally up to you. It is not up to him to state he wants no commitment right now, and for you to accept that, then use sex as a last ditch effort to keep him. It is up to you to say no to that before you feed him what he wants for free. It is not up to him to decide that he can have four women at the same time, it is up to you to decide if you will be one of them. It is not up to him to decide I like you, let’s see where this goes, and for you to stay in suspense indefinitely, it is up to you to refuse to be in suspense. If you have no clear vision of where this is going, trust me it is going nowhere.
If men are truly after one thing, then why give it to him unless he has proven his devotion to you, only you, and no one else but you? Can a man prove that in three dates? How long does it take to build your trust, your confidence, your admiration?
If you and I met for the first time, we had a lot of chemistry, went out for drinks, and I asked you on the first outing to lend me a $1000, would you give it to me? No way, you’d want me to earn your trust and good friendship first. Can I earn it after three dinners? No, you still wouldn’t give me the money. You might wait until we become good friends, you’d vet my credibility, trustworthiness, my history, my ability to repay, you’d ask around, but you would be suspicious why does this woman want a $1000 from me? Either you would do your homework, or you’d be turned off that a new acquaintance with no history of proven friendship is asking for money, and you would walk away. Something is fishy here.
Yet, most women think it is just fine to get emotionally invested when he decides that it is time to get emotional. You’re a grownup, you know men bank on your emotions to get what they want, so why be flattered and excited when he is using emotions? You’re letting him lead you to what he wants, when it is totally up to you to determine what you want. The next step is never his decision. Unfortunately, by waiting around for him to make a decision and declare his next step, most women hand him their power.
So, how to remain always in the lead? By not giving him what he wants the day you meet him. I am not talking about playing games with men, or teasing them. You are not bait. I am talking about deciding in the first 30 seconds of meeting someone, how much attention they are truly worth. It is up to you to decide how much of your smile he gets, how many pleasantries you are willing to exchange, and up to you to determine when is enough for you, then walk away. Practice that. Practice setting time limits on strangers. Practice walking away from men you don’t want anything from.
If he is not sleepable, datable, or of any interest to you, why are you still giving him attention? You are handing him on a silver platter what he is used to, free, unearned, unqualified attention. And you are exposing yourself to negotiating your attention with people you have not deemed worthy of your time. Your time is valuable, but you are sharing it with anyone who keeps talking.
You arrive on your first date, and right away you see something off putting. Do you suffer through the whole date? A nice girl would do that, but how long would a man tolerate a woman’s off putting behavior before he disappears? You don’t owe anyone your time. By giving free time to anyone to has reserved you for an hour, you are compromising your standards. Politely excuse yourself, be honest, no need to be an asshole, but walk away because you don’t need to be there if you already know he is an ass.
It is a few days later, and his level of communication or texting is confusing. It may be gross, lewd, detached, whatever you don’t want, stop giving attention to it. If you want a man who is texting you actively and making concrete plans, those are the texts you should be answering in a timely manner, and if you don’t like his texts, if they don’t indicate a sincere human with genuine interest in you, why play the texting game? It’s not for you. Again, you decide if his texts will continue or get blocked.
Several dates later, he wants to get physical. Okay, but do you want it? Stop and process this question. Do you actually want to get physical, or are you doing to it because it is the third date and that indicates some sort of a milestone. Are you going for it because you think that sex will seal some sort of an unspoken deal? Or are you going for it because you truly want his body? Be honest with yourself.
At this point, you may not be physically attracted to him at all. Tradition says to give him a chance anyway. He might become attractive later. Kiss that frog and it might turn into a prince. Tradition states that a good girl would give an unattractive man a chance to prove himself. It’s not your job to kiss frogs. If you are not attracted to him, it is solely up to you to act in your own best interest. Don’t go beyond this point.
At this point you may have no indication of his future intentions. At this point you may not have the relationship you desire. At this point he may not have convinced you that he is only seeing you. At this point, if you hand him sex on a silver platter in hopes that some day it will lead to a relationship, you have traded your power away. Why have sex with a men you are unsure of? They don’t become princes later. I have a friend with benefits for that purpose, so that I don’t have to give anyone anything that I don’t want to give. Seriously, consider getting one too.
Many women have been lead to believe that only time will tell if he is the one. No girl, only you will tell if he is the one. They have been lead to believe that they need to give men chances. They have been lead to believe not to trust their own gut, but to allow plenty of time and space to turn a frog into a prince. No amount of time or space has turned a frog into a prince. That has never happened. Quit wasting your own time. You know a frog when you see one, why doubt your own eyes?
What could you do instead of sex? You could continue to observe. You could watch his behavior and learn who he is as a person. You could ask questions and wait until all your questions have been answered before you decide you have enough clarity about his motives, his emotional availability, his commitment. This is the time you study whether he is being emotionally available at all, whether he is faking it, whether he even has the capacity to tap into that part of him. Why would you wait for him to disappear to determine he was never emotionally available at all? It’s a bit too late at that point.
Don’t have sex with men who have not given you 100% clarity, then proven it with actions not words, that they are taking actionable steps toward the relationship you want. Do not hand him a blueprint or your checklist, because with that any narcissist will follow your instructions on how to get to you. An honest man, with honest intentions to have an honest relationship doesn’t need an instruction manual on how to connect to you on a human level.
Would you go into business with a partner you don’t know? Would you determine what that potential partner has to bring to the table, or would you give him 50% of your business just for the asking? He asked, so I’ll just give him my business, and hope for the best? You wouldn’t do that. You’d do a ton of due diligence, hire a lawyer to pore over every part of that contract, you’d investigate your partner’s work history, credit worthiness, strengths and weaknesses, you’d interview his past employers and partners, and if things appeared shady, you wouldn’t go forward with the deal.
Unfortunately, to a lot of women, men appear shady up front, but they hand him their power as soon as possible, then accuse of him being shady after he disappears. Your homework was to determine whether 2+2 equals 4 up front, to determine if his stories are true, if he truly is who he claims to be, if he actually is that man of your dreams. Be honest, you knew that he wasn’t long ago, you just let him lead you to this point.
So, I ask again: How smart is it to put a man in the lead of a relationship? Where do you think he will drive this relationship? Go ahead, hand him the keys to the relationship, then guess where he will drive it. Do you think he will steer it where he wants it to go, or where you want it to go? Think long at hard, how ridiculous is it to let him drive in whatever direction he wants to go?
As ridiculous as this sounds, this is how a lot of women end up married to tricksters. Or they end up being dragged for years in relationships going nowhere for no reason than to go for the ride. Be honest, how many times have you been taken for a ride?
How smart is it to put a man in the lead of a relationship? It’s not smart at all. It’s a poor choice, utterly stupid, and you know you are going to regret this later. Would you tell your daughter to passively wait and see what he does, where he wants the connection to go, wait until he decides, and in the mean time smile, be nice, give his some sex to see if he likes it? You’d never allow your daughter to be in that position!
How did women get this idea? This ridiculous notion that a man should be in the lead of relationships has been around for hundreds of years. It sounds like something out of a 1950‘s dating manual. Oh wait, dating and relationship gurus still swear by this tactic! What exactly is he in the lead of? I’m waiting in suspense to find out.
Ladies, you own cars, you have your own keys, start driving wherever you want that car to go. Sure, it takes two willing and equally committed participants to make a relationship, and you can’t drag him tied to the back of your car. But if he is showing you no signs of meeting your needs, if he isn’t attractive enough, if he isn’t going in the direction you are going, why are you waiting for him to decide anything? The last thing he should be receiving from you is sex. He doesn’t even warrant a phone call.
If you are not used to being in charge of relationships, practice. In between relationships, when I am not seeing anyone worth my time, I enjoy saying No with great pleasure. No, is the most powerful word in the universe, so get used to using it to limit people’s unearned access to you. ‘No, I can’t listen to you any more,’ ‘No, I wouldn’t enjoy that drink with you’, ‘No, I have no intention of sleeping with you at all’, ‘No, you misjudged my interest’, ‘No, I really can’t give you a chance’, ‘No, I’d rather dine alone’, ‘No, you can’t increase your offer, my time is not for sale’.
When a man is in charge of the relationship, most women are in a passive wait and see state of mind, which usually amounts to a lot of confusion. Why wouldn’t you be confused if only he knows what’s going on in this relationship? Why wouldn’t you be going crazy, you just handed him your sanity and are waiting to see what he will do with it? Why wouldn’t you be paralyzed and in suspense if you are willingly playing his waiting game?
The only way to put a stop to it is to take the wheel. Who decides where your car is going?
If he isn’t going in your direction, why let him get into your car? That passenger in your car is just wasting your gas and toll money while he decides where he wants to go. Pull over and tell him to get out. Now.
How many men have been a complete waste of your time? Ask yourself this question: In that same time period, have you been a waste of their time? Probably not because you have been giving them a free ride all along. If you gave them a ride, if you waited around to see what they want, if you stroked their ego, if you made him feel like a man, you wasted a ton of premium gas on nothing. Stop giving men free rides. That begins with stopping the free attention, stopping the wait and see game, stopping being nice to every man you don’t know. Most of all, stop following dating rules. They are a road map to nowhere. They are a trap for women who don’t know what they want or how to get there. They are a trap for passive women who like to hand over the keys to whoever wants a ride.
Please be advised that I AM NOT urging you to lead unwilling men into a relationship and start driving. Instead, I am telling you to put the brakes on anything that is confusing, misleading, time wasting, a mind game, disrespectful, unattractive, going nowhere. I wrote many times about what happens when we ignore people’s wants, and assume our way into relationships. The consequences of that are toxic. But, you are 100% in charge if a man can move forward with you. You have to put the brakes on anything that is not moving in your direction.
So, what to do instead? To truly take the power in every relationship, you must begin from day 1, that first moment you give anyone your attention. Do not give attention to anyone you don’t find attractive enough, or anyone who isn’t sleepable, dateable or whatever You need him to be. Don’t agree to the first date unless you truly have an interest in him. Are you going on this date because he asked you out, because you have nothing better to do, or you want to try that latest restaurant? None of those reasons are reason enough to give someone your time. What is? Ask yourself if you would have asked him out? Is he interesting enough for you to want to pursue? If not, you actually don’t have interest, you are dating out of boredom. Don’t be there.
Like Seinfeld said, 99.99% of people in the world are unsleepable. Why would you hand them your time? You disempower yourself the minute you say yes to someone or something you don’t truly want.
On the first date, make sure you are actually enjoying him. Is his company enjoyable or is it a drag? Is he attractive or off putting? This isn’t about whether the restaurant is nice, whether the food is good, it is all about is he attractive enough to you now? Is he showing you something you want, or is he looking like someone you don’t want? Your judgment should be on him, not on the food or the price tag of the meal. Remember, you don’t owe him more time than it takes to figure out if you want him. You don’t owe him a second date, you don’t owe him more chances. If he is absolutely offensive, you don’t have to stay there and wait it out. People say it is unladylike to be impolite, I say take back your power and leave if he is an asshole. Do not let an asshole own your time by paying for your dinner. Pay your share and leave. Old fashioned traditions empower and embolden men, they leave women at their mercy. They call polite women classy. Is enduring unwanted attention your version of class?
In any given moment you have to act in your own best interest and if giving him your time and energy feels unpleasant, you don’t need to drain yourself. Contrary to dating manuals, it isn’t rude to leave an unpleasant date, it is rude for a rude man to expect you to tolerate his rudeness.
Assuming you are still interested, take as many dates as you need to ascertain who he is, what he wants, how committed he is, how likely is he to remain in a relationship, how emotionally available and healthy he is, and feel free to exit any time. It is easier to exit when you are not emotionally invested, so if sex is your weakness don’t have any.
You have to accept the fact that any man will exit the relationship if he isn’t getting what he wants, and it is your prerogative to exit a connection if you are not getting what you want. It is much better that he exits before you have had sex, than after. You are weeding men out, not asking them to stay in the running. If he exits, let him. It is a sign that he has not shown you any qualities that warrant sex, intimacy, or emotion. Save your energy for someone who can give you that.
How long it takes you to ascertain his worthiness is solely up to you. If you are still not convinced after 3, 7 or 10 months, stop him from wasting your time. You don’t owe it to him to keep trying. You lost nothing, you didn’t give him sex or emotions. You remained detached, in observation mode until he shows you qualities you like, want and need.
How many times have you discovered unacceptable qualities in men long after you are emotionally attached to him? Could you have found those qualities before you gave him anything? That is the goal.
If you want a man to prove that he is relationship material, then let him audition as your boyfriend. Most women are the ones auditioning because they are used to giving up everything, placing all their cards on the table, then hope he doesn’t walk away with her cards. That’s what you get for following dating manuals and tradition.
You should be auditioning a few men at a time. That is easy to do when you are not sleeping with any of them. You are not wasting your energy on anyone when they are the ones doing the work to convince you they are worth your time, attention, presence and consideration. Remain detached, observe, do your homework, make judgments. Yes, use your best judgment to judge who is in your best interest. There is nothing wrong with that.
Never waste attention or time on men you have no intention of dating. A lot of insecure men ask for friendship because they know they won’t have to do the hard work, and as a friend they don’t have to pass tough harsh scrutiny. They hope to catch a few breadcrumbs in your weakest moments, maybe you’ll accidentally find yourself in his arms. Don’t let men use your friendship to access your energy. Some men are happy with crumbs.
Also, waste no time on men who have no intention of giving you anything serious. Don’t let them suck you in with the wait and see game, the “I don’t know what I want” game, the “you need to complete with other women” game, the “I have too many options” game. If he is showing you his options, why are you still looking at him? It’s a game. Don’t play it. It is totally up to you whether you decide to stay in suspense. Block it right away, so the game doesn’t drain you.
So, for the last time, is it smart to let men take the lead in relationships? Take the lead woman. You already have what he wants. You don’t have to give it to him until you are fully satisfied.