Starving Cowboys and Tired Angels

When your heart is in someone else’s plans, they perceive you as that missing piece of their puzzle. You are the solution to their years of searching. You are the key to their completion. They see you as the answer to their prayers, the end of their loneliness, the antidote to their misery. You become their goal. The one thing that must be attained, in order for them to feel sustained.

Society calls this love, but I don’t think it’s true. That cowboy who needs you to become a willing participant in his plan is just a wanter. He is hungry, and knows very well that an angel like you could make many men feel satisfied. If it was love, it would feel different. If it was true love, it would be mutual, if it was pure, there’d be no hunger to satisfy. You, the prize, is wanted by others, so to protect their prize, they must secure a deal. Every wanting human will use the best tools they have to secure you. Ugly old men use money, pretty women use looks, smart humans use their exceptional wits, the sly use their cunningness. Wanting humans manipulate, trade emotions, play mind games, run to make you chase them, disappear to create the illusion of being the wanted. There’s always a ploy, a dance, a mating game.

They teach us to play the game. There are rule books, experts on the subject, even courses you can take to learn how to outwit a shiny angel, stalk them, pounce, bring them down, bite into their neck and suffocate. Once the hunted stops twitching, it can’t run away, so the hungry feel secure. They call it love, and they insist its true. After all, they caught you, surrounded and captured you, they won the prize, and they earned the right to parade the trophy. They have validation, but do they have you?

They say time and attention are all it takes to capture an angel. But only the starving have time and attention galore. They have nothing else. It is the full people, the angels, the ones with a soul and a pulse who won’t trade their life for someone else. We are food for the starving.

So many times, my heart was part of someone else’s plans, and I too blind to see how neatly I fit into their future. They all love my mind, my depth, my soul, and they want a piece of it. As if it is possible to actually own it. As if it is possible for my life to be theirs. They just want to be the possessors of something shinier than the other cowboys can wrestle down to the ground. A bigger prize. Only the biggest prize will prove the dimwitted cowboy is a man.

How many times have I escaped the grip of a starving cowboy? I’ve lost count. How many times have I wished for an angel, fallen for an illusion, only to find I’ve been captured and put on display for other cowboys to see.? Somehow I manage to escape, but It always ends the same.

I’d rather love a dog, than its master. A dog has a soul, the master just feeds off the creature’s undying love and attention. The master can only provide food and basic sustenance to keep it alive. The dog can’t go anywhere. There’s a chain around its neck. They admire its loyalty. They call that love too.

Are there others out there who know how to love? I’m sure. But right now I’m tired, and I need to rest. A empty cowboy tapped into my soul and drained it again. I’m weak and I need to retreat. Only solitude, nature and silence can restore me. Out there in the wilderness, where no one dares to fall asleep is where I find peace. Trees talk, water calms me, and the wild beasts protect me.

By now I have so many scars on my face I no longer look like much of an angel. In front of most cowboys, I refuse to glow. I turn my light switch off, so they can’t see me. I’d rather they think I’m an empty vessel than a warm blooded human. I study people for a long time before I show who I am. Unless they have a soul too, they are not worth standing next to. Dimwitted cowboys, starving cowgirls, the hungry, the zombies, the soulless. Everyone’s the same.

S








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Transactional vs. Intuitive Dating

Have you ever been frustrated trying to explain to a person why you are not interested in them, or why they just don’t do it for you?  Have you been irritated by someone who cannot intuitively tell there is no mutual attraction, because they are overfocused on facts like: they are interested, they are qualified, they are eligible therefore they are owed a chance past the qualifying round? Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who is so goal oriented, that the relationship meets their agenda, and you feel like they are checking off relationship milestones off a progress report?

 

We met each others’ friends, we were photographed together, both of us posted pics of “us” online, so Yay! We are now a We! One person is beaming with the feeling of accomplishment, while the other is wondering “How did I become a we?” I was nice, invited them out, smiled for the camera, and somehow that earned me a we status.  Ugh. This feels so uncomfortable. How do I back out of this?

 

We’ve all seen the photos, one is beaming with pride, they actually have a person, while the other is looking a bit stiff, uncomfortable, wondering “who might misinterpret this photo, and get the wrong idea”?  One person is counting the days until they see the other change their relationship status to something that will make them feel validated, while the other is avoiding social media, acting too aloof to notice the expectation. Been there, done that some many times, that I’ve reached the point of never having my photo taken with anyone, other than a group of friends.

 

As I listen to friends complain about this emotional mismatch, and their frustration trying to explain to people that just because I check off all the items on your relationship list doesn’t mean I have to be interested, I see there is a huge gap in how people relate to others and how they perceive relationships. For some, a relationship is an exchange of words, agreement, commitment, building of a foundation, while for others, it is a feeling. Some people want to make a relationship, while others feel their way, and gravitate towards others.  I tend to gravitate towards people who feel awesome to me, so no matter how great a nice guy is, there is nothing he can do to demonstrate he is the one. As long as I am floating elsewhere, he is not the one.

 

A lot of my closest friends are intuitive, therefore will not be convinced when someone is trying to make their case for a relationship. Words don’t work, and no matter how much evidence you provide to make your case, I will still ignore it to follow my bliss. I happen to be a highly logical person, so evidence and facts turn me on in business, debate, math and science. But, in relationships, there is no logic. No one has ever managed to talk me into one. Either I am very attracted, or I am not. There is nothing anyone can do to change that.

 

I observed that there are two types of people with drastically different approaches to relating to others. I call them the transactional daters vs. intuitive relaters. For best results, the two should never mix. When they try, it is always an explosive argument where one is trying to beat a dead horse trying to convince the other why it should be a relationship, while the other is trying to explain “you don’t feel like my person”.

He:    How do you know?

Me:    I am not sparkling when I’m with you.

He:    But I can make you sparkle? Give me a chance!

Me:    I can’t. You don’t feel right.

He:    WTF, I got what it takes! I have a job, I have hair, I have a luxury car, and assets.

Me:    But, I don’t need those things. I just want a person who matches my shine.

 

It is a waste of time trying to explain to a cardboard cutout, that his eyes will never shine enough.  But the good news for him is that the world is full women who aren’t looking for sparkle nor shine. Armed with checklists, agendas, and solid credentials, they totally qualify for others who meet their requirements in terms of seriousness, willingness, and commitment to making something happen.

 

It’s quite amusing to watch two drastically different people try to relate to each other. It’s like an Excel spreadsheet is trying to work with Photoshop, and no matter how elaborate or impressive the equation, Photoshop will still insist it isn’t pretty enough.

 

Transactional daters tend to barter feelings for actions and vice versa. They are always looking to quantify a relationship. They are constantly asking “Where is this relationship leading to? What does this mean? What is our current status? What is the goal? They expect to put in effort, hard work, and to demonstrate their intentions in exchange for proof that they are on the right track. “We have been committed to each other for a year, so I have now earned a ring”. They put in the effort, so they are owed a reward. When their effort doesn’t pay off, when there is no return on investment, they have been cheated. They gave X, the other person gave X-Y, and now they are owed the difference. They also perceive dating more traditionally, they follow relationship scripts to a tee, to ensure they are qualifying on all counts, and constantly checking if they missed something. When their partner has the flu, they show up with chicken soup and the meds because that’s what a good partner is expected to do.

 

Intuitive relaters believe in chemistry, attraction, magnetism, and tend to feel people out. I am more likely to ponder How did I feel talking to him? Did I laugh when I was with him? Did it feel easy? Did he get my stupid joke? He smells like mine, I think he’s for me. He could be an acrobat or a lion tamer, a devil or a complete lunatic, I don’t care. If he is beaming as much as I am, he is for me. Intuitives aren’t looking for a love that can be quantified, they are looking to match on feelings, fun, excitement, nerdiness, dorkiness, laughter and mind-bogglingness.

 

Once, I failed to provide the expected flu meds to an ailing ex, and I got an earful. I went out while he was sniffly, came home with a pocketful of stolen party hors d’oeuvres, and the sicko was not pleased. I’m not sure what I was guilty of, but there were expectations and I did not meet them.  I tried to compensate with my homemade Ayrvedic herbal concoction guaranteed to unclog the stuffiest nose, but he would not have it. I failed to act like a proper girlfriend while he was suffering, and my attempt at showering him with a pocket full of buffet nibbles plus a hundred kisses fell short. Afterwards, during my post sickness evaluation period, I was given a list of expectations that I failed to meet which was proof to him that I did not love him.

So I said:  “Okay, since I don’t love you the way you expect to be loved, and am pretty sure I’ll never be able to fill you up with the quantity of love you require, let’s break up.” I really meant it.

“No” he said  “I don’t want to break up, I want you to try harder”.

Me:  “I can’t try harder. This is who I am. This is who I always be. If this isn’t enough for you, then you owe it to yourself to find someone who will coddle you more”.

He:   “No. You are perfect. I will lower my expectations”.

 

The following week, his expectations plummeted, and he was thrilled, because with low expectations, now I was exceeding them. To transactional people, exceeding expectations means: We are headed down that road toward co-habitating bliss.  They perceive everything like an If/Then equation, which is a geometric proof, or inductive reasoning based on examples and on data from previous or similar relationship events. An If/Then equation works like this: If she exceeds my expectations, she must really love me, then we will take the next step and move in together.

 

Imagine my surprise, when next week he showed up with three even stacks of shirts, pants and underwear to store in my closet. I didn’t say anything, I didn’t quite understand where he was going with this. The following week, there were cosmetics, accessories and leisurewear parked in my closet. Now, I was getting concerned. There was a giant motorcycle competing for space in my cramped parking spot, my walk-in closet was no longer walkable, and he was talking about weddings in the Caribbean, where they are much more casual and affordable. Hmmm?

 

Baby, what’s happening in your brain? Are you adding things up in your Excel spreadsheet, that I am not picking up? This doesn’t feel sparkly to me.

 

Two people with drastically different brains trying to make sense of a relationship. To him, it was all starting to add up to a marriage, to me that sparkly feeling was fading, my light was getting more dim, because I didn’t understand why I love him, but feel like the world is flat.  Here, most relationship experts would urge you to improve your  communication skills, go over expectations and deliverables, evaluate if you’re still on the same relationship page. I’m no good at talking, I’m better at smelling whether it’s a flower or a rat.

 

My flower was starting to wilt, and having picked dozens of them, I understood there is nothing I can do to revive a flower that was already losing its petals. I could water it, talk to it, give it more sunshine, but it no longer smelled intoxicating. In fact, I was starting to see the other side of this relationship, the equation. He had goals for me, goals I wasn’t aware of. I was just thrilled to be with him, but he had relationship milestones, check lists, and a clipboard full of To-do lists, and items to verify.

 

Where do I fit in? Item #1, Identify proper girlfriend. Item #2. Assess qualifications. Item #3. Perform Cost-Benefit Analysis. Pass. I was in love with a cardboard cutout. The beautiful person was there, the hugs were warm, there was a ton of affection, so much that I was wondering if this human was real or just an illusion. The heart was ticking, there was a pulse, he made beautiful smiles, but he did not produce authentic feelings. He did everything right, never messed up once. But he had no sparkle, and he carried a clipboard. On it were lists of relationship statuses accomplished, and things yet to do. And suddenly, I had no interest in doing any of them. He did everything right as a boyfriend, the flowers, the romantic dinners, the adventures, fixing my broken cabinets, the daily calls, all the right words, the good-nights. But the feeling was hollow. A beautiful human, making all the right gestures, laying a solid foundation with bricks, to build a fortress.

 

Where was the love?  He said he loved me a thousand times, but what he was loving was how well I fit his equation. I was a perfect match, therefore I was love to him. I met all his needs, checked off all his boxes, therefore no other woman scored higher than me. I was an A+ in his book, a solid Yes, therefore I was The One.

 

But when a person is adding line items in a spreadsheet, there will always be people who score higher. Someone will always be more agreeable, more compromising, more giving, more productive than me. When someone else scores higher to a transactional dater, will that person then be The One?

 

Transactional people are always measuring, calculating, projecting, moving toward a goal. Intuitive people like me, refuse to be anyone’s goal, and if you mark me as your target, I will move out of the way to make sure you miss. I don’t want to be gotten, I don’t want to be acquired, and how dare you think you have the right to score. When I sense that I am someone’s relationship target, and I use senses most humans aren’t even aware of, I dim my light so they cannot see me. I tune out, avert eye-contact, turn into a grey-rock, make myself uninteresting. They will go away sooner or later, or just plain give up.

 

Unfortunately, to most transactionists, this is a clear signal to try even harder. Something has gone wrong, their target has moved, and now they must reassess and reposition, and try even harder. No. No matter what you do, I will still not be your target. If you see me as your prize, the answer is already no.

 

Transactional people perceive relationships as a goal, something to strive for, achieved, worked hard for, negotiated, and finally bound by a contract. Intuitive people feel various shades of love. Some people’s love is dimmer than others’. Some loves feel heavy, burdensome, slow, while others are light, passionate, electric. Guess where I want to be?

 

Transactional people fantasize about unconditional love, yet will spell out for you all the conditions you must meet for them to give you love. You must be loyal, timely, committed, and demonstrate determination, compromise, and be willing to put up with their stuff , otherwise called “supporting”. If you walk away from a transactional dater, you are an asshole or a bitch, because they have pre-calculated how much they have put into a relationship, and if you fail to provide ROI, you have somehow cheated them out of their dream.

 

Intuitive people are can be more unconditional. No matter what you do, no matter where you are, no matter how much you change, and no matter how little you care, and unconditional person will love you anyway. Like a dog, they will give you endless love, regardless of whether you have gone on vacation for 2 weeks. They will give you just as much positive energy, and they tend to not be punishing. You are either with them or you are not.  Unconditional people don’t play games. They don’t have to test their partner to see if he or she will disappoint them.

 

Tell a transactional person, I cannot marry you, and they will kill you with words. What do you mean, you owe me. I did this, this, and that for you. I suffered for you for a year. Tell an unconditional person, I cannot marry you, they’ll say Okay, I will love you anyway. And if you fall in love with someone else, that unconditional lover will love you so much that they will want the best for you, even if you didn’t choose them.

 

There is nothing that a transactional person can do to win the heart of an intuitive person. Intuitives will feel you out, and want you only if you feel as good as they do. Two people who have genuine chemistry are like an electric spark, the relationship is ON. As hard as they might try, there is nothing that a transactional person can do to turn the other on. They can list all their positive qualities in one column, and match them up to the qualities of the other, but they can never explain why the other person refuses to add up, or give them a relationship.

 

I met a nice transactional guy back in October. I gave him a pleasant conversation, and he got all excited. I was being nice, and all I wanted was some good conversation, nothing more. When he contacted me I said I wasn’t interested. Let’s be friends. He agreed, but then kept amping up his effort, upgrading the wine, increasing the value of his offers, trying harder, getting more creative, and we are now in April, and he still doesn’t understand that we are always going to be just friends. He is ignoring my words, because some dating manual told him that women want you to try harder, and that if you slay enough dragons, eventually she will see that you are a real prince, a real man, and you will win her over.  All I know is that his light is dim, and he does not look or feel like my person. Recently when he found out that I went to a foreign movie screening with friends, he bought a book about Italian filmmakers, read it from cover to cover, and tried to impress me with the word Fellini.

 

Why do transactional people increase the effort when intuitive people fly away? I’ll never know, and am not trying to figure it out. But it is too much effort, best directed toward other transactional daters. Do I want effort? Sure, but only from that one man who is intoxicating and sparkly. I can’t explain it. No amount of effort will make me see you. I will notice the effort, but not the person.

 

Transactional people pain me, as I am sure I frustrate them. I simply do not want to be in their equation, and no matter how hard they try to win me over, I am always floating toward a shinier object. That is our nature. It is pointless to try to understand us, we are different programs.  One is an  .xls, the other a .psd format. We will never get each other.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Relationships As Life’s Optimal Experiences

Everybody is starving for relationships, or so it seems. Turn on your social media feed, and you’ll be bombarded by a hundred desperate posts about why the world today is so bad because good people can’t find a partner. ‘There must be something wrong with the world, if it is failing to provide me with a relationship.  Men are awful because they won’t stay committed. Women are awful because now that have more choices, they refuse to settle for me. Nobody wants to settle down any more”. And so it goes.

 

A couple of months ago I was talking to a male friend, who expressed the same sentiment. He is probably one of the most amazing men I know, inside an out. If I tried to fix him up with someone, I would be reserved, because I wouldn’t want him to settle for anyone other than the most amazing woman I know. I think so highly of him, that I couldn’t bear seeing him with average.

 

This is a friend who has come far in life. He has worked hard to create a beautiful life for himself, spent decades evolving, growing, crashing, learning to walk again, and rising higher than ever. This is also one of the most authentic people I know. Though he is giving and generous, he is very respectful of his time, and won’t give it to anyone who drains him. He is extremely caring, open, wears his heart on his sleeve, and in terms of energy, he has more light than anyone I know. That makes him a magnet for people. All people, high and low are attracted to shiny objects, and he has so much positive energy that people compete to be in his company. So, like all of us he has had multiple relationships where he felt derailed, unfulfilled, lacking, and often drained. If a relationship partner is not enough to him or herself, he or she will be a negative drain on the healthier person. How much can a healthy person support and give to the unfulfilled one?

 

And thus, he has experienced dozens of unhealthy, sub-optimal relationships and experiences with partners who very much needed to be with him, but could not measure up on their own level of self-development. And when one person is unfulfilled, lacks an identity, or a purpose, they will often try to get that from the more complete partner. And thus the mind games begin, the emotional manipulation, the drama. A well meaning partner could destroy the entire relationship by viewing the other as their source of happiness or completion.

 

We all know the emotional and mental toll of being in an unequal or unfulfilling relationship. Unfortunately, the love industry tells us that it is proper to invest ourselves, work hard to maintain a balance between two emotionally unequal partners, give, build, toil, compromise, cut yourself down to their size, adjust, stand on our heads to make them happy, because according to love experts, that is what true love is. But relationships like that can make us sick. Been there, done that, so, no thanks.

 

I have been in relationships with angels, the sweetest most affectionate ones, and walked away feeling drained of my own soul. The process to recover your own soul, from the one who fed off it for some time is a long and painful one. How do you ask for your soul back, when the other gets their entire emotional and energetic wellbeing from it? Try to get it back, and they will fight you for it. Try to break up with a lover whose self is a mere reflection of you and they will strike back with a vengeance. They won’t go away until you promise to give them more you. While you are distancing yourself to survive, they are fighting back because they can’t exist without your energy.

 

So, be careful who you sleep with, be careful who you are in a relationship with, and be careful who you give your energy to, because there are unhealthy consequences to being with someone who hasn’t achieved their own optimal experience.

 

This brings me back to my friend, and my own circle of friends who are absolutely loving, kind, giving, and complete. When I look at the shiniest most sparkly people I know, I see that they are also the ones who are unwilling to compromise themselves and their souls to be in relationships. That compromise could be deadly, and giving one’s time and personal space to the unworthy can be a toxic and sickening experience. It just isn’t worth it.

 

Looking at all the relationships I have been in, and all the relationships my more enlightened friends have had, I see now why we cannot afford to compromise to be in a relationship. We all have achieved completion, through a hard process of self-development. How can we hand ourselves over to just anyone who demands to be with us?  They may be well-intentioned, but being with anyone who has not found a self, who cannot relate to the process is mind numbing for some, and absolutely deadly for others.

 

But I also see that we have been sold a load of bullshit by the relationship industry, and experts in psychology. We are told that relationships are supposed to be an investment into the other person, and I strongly disagree. We are told that all that work, toil and compromise are good for the marriage, and I say that if a relationship feels like a drain, get as far away from it. Pretty soon that work will turn into a commitment of you giving yourself to a lost cause. That commitment will lead to a legal contract, to a lifetime of drudgery, when you suspected all along that love is supposed to feel different than this.

 

What should love be like? Love should feel like bliss, not an investment. Love should feel equal in attention, admiration, happiness, mutual respect, satisfaction. Love should light us up, not dim our glow. Love should be an optimal life experience. But how can it be that?

 

To live life optimally, each person must be in a state of completion. Of course, life is a process and no matter the situation, we are always expanding from it. But, each individual must reach that state. It happens at different rates for all of us. It happens through a variety of life’s experiences, embracing painful change, crashing and burning multiple times, willingness to be vulnerable and accept the inevitable pain that comes with it. It comes from facing one’s inner demons and making friends with them. It is in the knowingness of who you are as a person, flaws and all. It is in the acceptance that if this is all there is, then this is perfect, and admiring that perfection no matter what it looks like. Have you reached that state of inner knowingness, self-admiration, self-love?

 

It’s a tall order, and it takes a lifetime. And so my friend who is complete, and stands confidently in a place of self-appreciation feels that relationships with incomplete people are dissatisfying. I agree. Relating to people who have no inner-knowing is like relating to a cardboard cutout. He or she will never be enough.

 

So, looking at the most complete people I know, I see that people come easily into our lives. There is no shortage of people who want our company. But, there is a certain self awareness that makes us notice when the one standing in front of us is less than we are. This observation is not egotistical at all. It simply is an awareness of how other people’s energy and beingness relates to mine, and whether an interaction would awesome.

 

Love should never feel like an obligation, it should feel free. Whether you believe in commitment and marriage is besides the point. Do it if you are with a person who fills blissful to you, don’t do it if one can’t live without the other, that’s a sign that one’s being is feeding off the other. A relationship like that will never be fulfilling for both, one will always be giving, while the other taking. I think it was Buddha who said that we should love in such a way, so the other person should feel free. Never seek to capture a person, and tie him down to you. Would you tie a dog in chains, or trap a bird in a cage? We all know how cruel that is, so why do we do it to people we claim to love?

 

There are many levels of relationships for people at different levels of completion. Some will never understand what living optimally is, nor will they ever seek that experience. Traditional lifestyles where they relate to each other on the basis of who can trade what to whom may satisfy them.

 

But pure love, the kind that complete people enjoy is never a trap. And so my friend who has spent much of his life in a state of love, is always satisfied regardless of who is with him. I am certain that one day he too will meet a person with an equal radiance to his. Optimal love feels like a union between a drop of water and the sea, a speck of glow reuniting with the entire sun. It is bliss because neither partner takes anything away from the other, two equals are in union where they belong. At that point, there is nothing to negotiate.  Those mundane aspects of a relationships; where should we live, what should we buy, how will we relate, are absolutely meaningless. Almost laughable. When light joins light, there is nothing but light. What else could possibly matter?

 

Seek light, be love, live optimally, and own every moment. It is yours. The person who reflects as much love as you have, is the one for you. That other person you feel obligated to, let them figure it out for themselves.

 

S

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Sexually Dissatisfied, But Silent

This discussion started among the Goddesses in the private forum, and quickly turned into a heated debate.  One of us shared a news article about a woman who divorced a man who didn’t disclose to her he was impotent, then suffered through years of shaming and bullying by his family to remain silent on the issue to spare him the embarrassment.  Another woman shared an opinion post about how women often submit to sex with a highly unattractive men for fear of negative repercussions of backing out. Sometimes it’s just easier to grin and bear it, than make a last minute escape.

 

This is something that has been on my mind for years. When a man is sexually dissatisfied he is perfectly entitled to find pleasure elsewhere. Not only will he seek it, he will make sure everyone is aware of his sexual conquest. Everyone must know that in demanding satisfaction, (no matter what the emotional pain is to his partner), he has just ordained himself a real man.

 

But what about the women? Are we allowed to voice our dissatisfaction? More often than not, the women stay silent. They might confide in a friend, they might seek therapy discretely, they might cry about it for years, but as soon as she tries to talk about it she is urged to stay quiet for a multitude of idiotic reasons: the marriage or relationship is more important than sex, there are other ways she could please herself, true love is not about sex, and the all too prevalent one, never hurt a man’s ego. In fact, most women are afraid of just that, his ego.

 

I know very well what happens when a man’s ego is bruised. I have done it all too many times, in the workplace, in my home, with platonic friends, and exes. Sometimes the consequences of bruising a man’s ego are mild, sometimes they are silent and deadly, and other times they are irreversible.  Each time I spoke up against some injustice, exposed a coward, demanded fairness or proved him wrong there were consequences to my paycheck, my reputation, my job security. Not one time did my words go unpunished.

 

But most women are very familiar, some even experts on the subject of making a male feel like a man, even when he doesn’t have an inch of manhood to speak of. In fact most women are very adept at pushing his needs and satisfaction forward, while accepting mediocre sex, and ignoring his ineptitude as something that is just plain normal.

 

For how many centuries were women instructed that true love is not about sex, and to keep a man happy, she must forego her own needs? As I chat with older men and women, I am shocked that both sides agree that this is normal and how a man should be treated. The older a woman is, the greater the likelihood that she has been faking it since 1969, and the older a man is, the greater the likelihood that he feels entitled to the illusion. I have a lot of foreign friends who simply believe that verbally expressing sexual dissatisfaction, or asking for better sex is something only horrible women do.

Aside from bad relationship sex which comes with its own consequences, there is bad casual sex, which is probably even worse. Imagine discovering for the first time that the guy is too small. What do most women do? Most women are taught that once he is turned on, or his clothes are off, it is too late to back out. There are serious consequences to that. But what if what she sees is a total turn-off for her?  What is the appropriate way for a woman to back out of this situation and still preserve her dignity?

 

At this point most people would blame the woman for being in this situation in the first place. Obviously, she is at fault for not taking more time before sex, leading a guy on, manipulating him in some way, and of course they think she is at fault if she backs out of it. Most women chose the less consequential option, and just close their eyes. At the end, he congratulates himself on a job well done, while her stomach turns.

 

I swore many years ago that I would never be in a sexually dissatisfying relationship again. I’d rather be single, than fake attraction to a man who can’t do anything for me. I have learned that there are consequences to not speaking up: emotional numbness, resentment, sexual frustration, but most of all, this kind of relationship does not honor me. I refuse to be there. I know many women suffering in silence, and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

 

Here are some common consequences to voicing dissatisfaction to an insecure man:

 

  • Violence, rage, conflict. We all know most women are just plain scared of it, and will do anything to avoid it.
  • Accusations like: “It’s not me, you are just frigid”. Deflecting blame and not accepting any responsibility for his performance, then convincing her it is her fault.
  • False rumors and fictitious stories are enough to scare a lot of women into silence.

 

This last example is all too common. I hear the stories on a regular basis. He was too unattractive for her to sleep with, he took her rejection like a gentleman, then offered her a ride home. The next day there are stories about her, and for some reason her colleagues believe she hooked up with a 300 pounder whom even a prostitute would reject. Everyone saw the nice guy offer her a ride, and everyone saw her get into his car, therefore his story must be true. This is how most women get bullied into silence. If this has ever happened to you, you know exactly how revolting this is. The men take it as a joke, nothing really happened, so what are you complaining about? The woman would rather face a firing squad that look the repulsive looser in the eye.

 

What’s truly unfortunate is that most men are overly confident about their sexual prowess. There are decent men out there who want to be better lovers, but they’ll never learn because women keep faking it. And there are douche-bags out there who give themselves an A+  for their 4” dick and post photos of every conquest online. How many women could be spared the horror of seeing him naked, if we only talked about it? Men are perfectly comfortable comparing our bra sizes in public, so why can’t they take the same dose of reality?

 

In my experience, the more boastful a man is about his masculinity, the more he is compensating for. This observation proves true each and every time. That guy, who refers to himself as a real man, pounds his chest and grunts like a gorilla, the one listing all his conquests, whose stories always conclude with him being the winner of a failed relationship, is the one who is overcompensating for something. He is publically patting himself on the back, acting like the man, while she is in silence, hoping he will lose her number sooner rather than later.

 

The best men I have ever met are the ones who have nothing to prove. Yes, that shy silent one who doesn’t assume he is a gift from god, that guy who politely asks for permission to take you on a date and actually makes an effort is the one who will be the most attentive in bed. The one who isn’t flashing a gold Rolex, the fancy sports car, or telling stories of dating super models, is the one who will assume that you are pleased or tell you to deal with it when you’re not.

 

But, so many males are confused about why they can’t find a partner. I remained friends with a guy who just couldn’t satisfy me in bed for a few months after the breakup. And I still could not tell him the real reason I had to let him go. Instead, I made up some lame excuse about other responsibilities, work, bullshit.  Yes, he had other talents, most small guys have a menu of alternatives. But none of them worked. Yes, I could see he was trying to please me, which made him a really nice guy. And yes he was ready to commit way too soon. But there was absolutely nothing he could do for me, and this guy was totally unaware of how he stacked up compared to other men. He continued to pursue many women, and most would leave after that first interlude. I felt bad about him for years, but I could not bring myself to tell him the truth.

 

But the fact is that had he known what his actual problem was, he could have had a better estimation of what he could do for women. This was a very handsome, smart man, who like most guys who keep failing at the dating game developed some bad conclusions about women. He thought all women were just using him for sex, when in fact each would leave after the first experience. So, he started boasting about his conquests, even started cheating to be more of a man, making him less attractive to women who would have been willing to overlook his problem. Men get hurt just as much when they are not told the truth.

 

It isn’t fair. Women’s bodies are judged openly and it is normal to be rejected for being too fat, too skinny, no curves. But when men are unattractive, too small, or just plain repulsive, they are not allowed to know about it. And if we try to communicate it, most men refuse to believe it. Narcissism is all to prevalent among men, and many feel they are entitled to women who don’t find them attractive. One even asked me “Why do you need to be attracted to me?”

 

Perhaps, this call to be more open and honest with men about our sexual dissatisfaction could be the perfect screen to see whether a man is datable. It’s amazing what we can see in a person if we are willing to be objective and simply observe. Just by listening to him talk, you can hear if he is boasting, exaggerating, over-compensating. How does he truly feel about his ex? Does he proclaim himself to be the winner of that breakup? How does he handle even a hint of dissatisfaction from a woman? Does he think all women are bitches, whores, or out to get him? Trust me, how he sees women tells you exactly who you are dealing with. You don’t need to get to the bedroom to find out who he truly is.

 

Men are insecure, just like we are. Why give them credit for their manhood before they have actually proven it? Why treat him like a man, when no woman would agree? His exes aren’t crazy, and they’re not all out to get him, chances are most would rather forget about him. We give men way too much credit than most of them are worth.

 

There are very few men who can have this conversation without getting angry. The few who can, are the healthy men. They deserve applause for being able to approach the subject rationally. They ones who are interested in learning what they can do better are the ones we should treat like real men. They deserve the honor.

 

Times are changing and tables are slowly turning. I love how our generation has been willing to talk about all those subjects previous generations wouldn’t speak of. We have confronted every taboo topic, exposed it for what it truly is, and of course there are people who cannot handle it. But change is happening anyway, and it will work in the favor of the younger generation, like it or not. The more we talk about those subjects we swept under the carpet, the more likely we are to benefit from the outcomes.

 

By now I have been called all kinds of things. Where I used to cringe, cry and beat myself up for feeling their judgment, I now stand proudly confident in my own words. Each an every time I have faced a screaming, angry, threatening man, I learned that he is acting up because he can’t handle the truth. My words have hit a nerve, and he is reacting in rage.  I let them stand there in their rage. I’d rather other women see for themselves how easy it is to expose a coward, and how much more power they have when they speak their truth.

 

No I don’t beat up men, judge them, nor shame them. Men are humans too, and most are looking for exactly the same things we are. Love, trust, honesty. But, when an emotionally unstable man tries to prove his masculinity at my expense, I don’t accept that, and I don’t let him get away with that. I know that the only way to prevent a false story, or bullying is to not pretend he is more of a man than he actually is. If you give a bully credit for his power, you empower him ever more. Expose him discreetly, and he wouldn’t bully anyone else. He’ll go crouch in the corner with his tail between his legs. But he won’t risk being exposed.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Respect The Friend Zone

You are in my friend zone, because you are not sleepable. Yes, I know, I am in your friend zone, because you think I’m sleepable. Maybe you have a girlfriend right now, maybe you are soon to be divorced, but you think if we are hanging, I could be yours in the future. No. I hang out with you, because I see you as a friend. Just a friend.

 

I have never been interested in dating in my friend zone. In fact, the friend zone is for all those nice guys who 1) I have had a professional relationship with, and they are interesting enough to keep in my network 2) people I have been genuine friends with for a long time, 3) non-creepy men who are in my social circle, and above all 4) not attractive enough to hook up with and 5) not desirable enough to have a relationship with. If you are a nice guy, or if we share an intellectual interest, you are in my friend zone. Why? I like your mind, or I like your personality, I may even like your heart, but I have no interest in anything beyond a platonic connection. As cold as it sounds, you are in my friend zone because you are a No.

 

Guys always ask me, how do I get out of your friend zone? You don’t. You can stop being my friend, and I’ll always be okay with that, but there is nothing you can do to make yourself sleepable. If you distance yourself, hoping I will somehow find you more attractive outside the friend zone, you are being illogical. If you aren’t attractive here, why would you be more attractive way over there?

 

It happens often, and it is irritating to most women I know. That guy who has always been a friend is suddenly available, and he thinks his female friends want to be asked out on a date. But how do you think this looks from a woman’s perspective?  You have been posing as a genuine friend for years because you thought you’d have a chance some day, but that makes you a fake friend. How do you think it feels to find out that the nice guy you have been sharing all your personal info with, has only been there for you all these years because he had ulterior motives? Was that a true friend?

 

In the last six weeks, this has happened to me three times. I am not upset to be losing a friend. By now, this has happened so many times, that I won’t shed a tear. In fact, I feel sorry for the guy. Each friend of many years, started dialing his contacts within hours after his breakup. Pathetic, to be calling his friends to see if they would be interested in dating them.

 

If I think a man is sleepable, or datable, or worthy of a relationship, the last thing I would do is call him a friend, hang out in ambiguity to see what happens, go on group dates, talk business, or ignore his IMs, There would be only one way to start anything, and that is on a clearly defined date.

 

A clearly defined date is one where one person asks the other person on a D.A.T.E. not an invitation to hang out sometime. If I sense we are hanging, you’re in the friend zone. If the invitation is ambiguous, it is not a date. If you invite me out to talk about potential business, and I actually showed up, it is because I am interested in business, not dating you.  Regardless of what your intentions are, if you don’t have the balls to ask me out on an actual date, nor the balls to take rejection, it is not a date. I might suspect you are trying something, but I will not qualify it as a date.

 

Over the years, I have found myself in many sickening situations that in no way qualified as a date. Most women I know have been in bad situations where she thinks it is a job interview or a business lunch, only to find out he has ulterior motives. Or that old college buddy you have too many drinks with, and after ten years of friendship he decides he is going to take his chances. Gross. Or the friend’s ex, who thinks that now he lost one woman, he can date her friends.

 

There is nothing worse than thinking you have a friend, only to find out that he is no friend at all. It dishonors our friendship, and reeks of desperation. Over the years a few of my closest male friends had developed feelings for me. Those friendships ended quickly, and not one of those guys won me over. Many of them were friends while I was in other romantic relationships, and were simply waiting for me to be free.

 

If a man is attractive both physically and intellectually, if I feel genuine chemistry and attraction, the last thing I would do is put him in the friend zone. He may be unavailable, he may be unattainable, he may even be impossible, and I am okay with admiring him from afar or never having him at all. It really doesn’t matter if I think of him as a hookup, a relationship, or marriage material, if he is attractive enough for me to want to date, I’ll make sure there’s no confusion.

 

I recently took an informal poll on the Goddesses private forum. Only 1 out of 19 women who responded said she would be open to dating a man who previously dated one of her friends. Personally, I wouldn’t touch him. Unless of course he was drop dead gorgeous, young and hot, in which case I’d make sure I am never seen in public with him J

 

The same goes for dating a close friend. Most women have that guy friend they tell everything to. That friend she goes to when she needs a male perspective on a relationship, the guy she shares all those strories she wouldn’t dare share with anyone else. Yes, that nice guy with a huge heart, is the one she’d like to fix up with a nice girl. He would be a great catch, but not for her.  If you are that guy, we truly appreciate your friendship, but if you want more we will never be able to give it to you. It must be a painful position to be in, but you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from it.

 

All joking aside, accidents and hookups happen. But do you really want to be that person waiting and hoping that one day your friend will see you as anything other than a friend?  Personally, I’d rather know clearly where I stand with someone, even if I have to accept rejection. Ambiguity is torture for both parties and almost always leads to confusion and crossed signals.

 

But there is a logical reason for the friend zone. It means I see you as a friend. It means, you are in the safe zone where I don’t have to worry that you will try anything, and we can hang out, talk, build a genuine friendship with no ulterior motives. Who is in my friend zone? Every nice guy I know whom I don’t feel attracted to. You can stop being my friend, but my disinterest will never change. Like Seinfeld said, 99.9% people on this planet are unsleepable. I have never hooked up with someone I don’t find attractive, so this isn’t something you earn by patiently waiting in the friend zone.

Respect the friend zone.

 

S

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The Price of Being a Goddess

Being a Goddess is costly. The higher she rises, the more respect a Goddess commands, the more uncomfortable some people are around her.  An interesting observation is that my most Goddesslike friends, are the women who totally rule, speak their mind freely, unapologetically, and make no excuses for themselves. These women are the most highly criticized, talked about, rumors are flying everywhere, but when you get to know the actual woman, she is deeply loving, caring, fair, and just. What is it about them that makes some people uncomfortable? It’s not just that some are uncomfortable, I have seen men and women combust in rage, when her light exposes their darkness.

 

Men know instinctively, she is not to be messed with, and they also know instinctively whether they measure up. That causes some to push her buttons, test her boundaries, play games, just to test if she really is all that. Healthy men see her as an equal whether she dates them or not.  They can respect her as a friend, a co-worker, and can be open and vulnerable with her. They know she doesn’t play games, mess with their emotions, and their feelings are always safe with her.  Unhealthy men, will see if they can break her down, and when they can’t, they project their own insecurities onto her.

 

Women too are afraid because they see how easily she commands respect from their men. Most women are uncomfortable when the man they are fighting so hard for, bows easily to another woman. The more comfortable the Goddess is with her place, the less she gives a damn what people say. And one thing is for sure, where there is a Goddess, there are disgruntled, insecure, self-righteous critics around her.

 

It was obvious from the start that a lot of people had a problems with what I was saying about women, relationships, sex, dating and careers from the start. I found my power at a young age, and it always worked for me. The more comfortable I felt in my own skin, and spoke up, the more people had something to say about me, and it wasn’t always flattering.

 

It was also obvious that my words truly resonated with some, gave them a fresh perspective, and liberated a lot of men and women from relationship rules, traditional gender roles, and freed them from constrictive expectations. My first critics were women, my first fans and supporters were men. What I was suggesting was that women should find their personal power, approach relationships from a place of self-respect and personal pride, and disengage from men who don’t respect them. Rather than wage wars to snag a husband or strive to please a man, why not invest in herself and build some self-esteem instead?

 

Despite the snickers from a lot of female friends, guess who they came to when they needed a shoulder to cry on? My practical advice worked for many women, not because I believed in playing tricks to get men to respond like a trained dog, but because I understand men as humans who have the same emotional needs as we do. If you can’t approach a relationship with complete respect for the human you are dealing with, and allow him the same consideration you want for yourself, then the problem is you, not him.

 

I have always had a ton of attention from men, some wanted, but mostly unwanted. For me, men come in two categories, respectful and deeply insecure. Sure, I fascinate a lot of them without even trying. But every man sees me as a shiny object, something to attained, possessed then paraded around town like a trophy, so I say No to most of them. When they are respectful, healthy, self-aware, they are okay with it, and we develop a good friendship. When they can’t handle the rejection, they fabricate fiction with only one kind of conclusion: they are the victor, the real man, too much of a man for me to handle, and I, some four letter word from the back of the dictionary.

 

As I meet more and more Goddesses from our private network, I see that the more strong and unapologetic they are, the more likely they are to be under attack. There are stories and rumors about all of us. Somehow we manage to steal men who we aren’t even trying to get, and bruise egos of guys who take rejection as an opportunity to show who’s the man. The less we engage with drama, attention-seekers, and cat-fights, and the more we become comfortable speaking our truth, the more respect we get from our equals. Some people have a problem with that.

 

Inadvertently I get a lot of respect from men females are competing for. I view them as a platonic friend, nothing more, someone to exchange ideas with. Most of them like the way I think, and whether they agree or disagree, they like the fact that I always stand my ground, back up my ideas with facts, and never bend my position to please them. While the girls are swarming around him like flies on shit, I own his attention. The harder they try, the less I care.  While they are stalking his social media profile, trying to figure out what party he will show up at next, the fuller my inbox is with requests for a drink or a chat. This isn’t because I am trying to steal someone’s man, it is because I am not trying at all.

 

But, this ability to connect genuinely with everyone comes at a price. Like I said, I see men as humans, not some prize to attain. While most women approach men with an agenda, I see all as a potential friend. If I like his mind and how it operates, I’ll make him a friend in 30 seconds or less. I am rarely, in fact, almost never interested in anything more. People like me because I discover quickly who they are on the inside, and I connect to that aspect of a human without a plan on how to hook him into wanting more. I don’t believe in hooking, manipulating, or obligating humans, and that is the main reason men are comfortable around me.  I have no plan for them at all.

 

But if you are a woman in need of a boyfriend, and you have your eyes set on one whose attention I’ve got, it will be hard to divert his attention to you. It is fascinating, how many of my friends I have helped connect to people. I love introducing people, I consider myself a Cupid, and I credit myself with a lot of happy connections. But, any time a woman can’t get attention from a man, I am always blamed for it. One year, I lost 30 members from my social network in a week, simply because someone’s boyfriend was trying to talk to me a little too persistently.

 

Be prepared, once you learn how to command respect, you will be met with an equal amount of attacks. Respect is a power, and probably the only privilege you have to earn from another person.  Once you have earned someone’s positive attention and respect, a noble person or a Goddess will treasure and protect it.  I stand up for all my friends. The ones whom I can truly count on, can also count on me to be a lion when they are under attack.

 

But when you have that much power you are a threat to all the people who have not earned your good graces. Most men and women who haven’t attained that level of self-possession will be threatened by it. The women know I can raise an army of men in the blink of an eye. And the men know that as much as I value their friendship, I can afford to lose them. Once you have exposed your emptiness, insecurity, or disrespect, I have no reason to keep you.

 

So, the attackers come in two sexes, the women who can’t compete, and the men who cannot have me. Both spun tales that have cost me friendships, business, and relationships. I have too much pride to whine about it in public. If you hurt me, I will let you. I never consider revenge. Revenge is for amateurs.

 

I used to hide my pain, when girlfriends fabricated a story, then formed coalitions against me. The same girls who cried on my shoulder for years, wanted nothing to do with me when their men started reading and agreeing with TheGoddessPrinciples blog, or when they simply wanted to be my platonic friend. The men who couldn’t have me, started their own fiction, you know that story, when the guy concludes he was too much of a man for me, and I, every four letter word in the dictionary.

 

Last week, I was at a business networking event, when I saw an old friend in the crowd. I walked up to her, gave her a warm hug, congratulated her on her new baby, and the woman froze. She could not look me in the eye, stared at me nervously, replied curtly, so I walked away as I had better things to do.  When I got home, I noticed she unfriended me from Facebook, as did 25 others in that professional network. Hmm…Did I steal someone’s man again? I can’t imagine whom. A little digging and I realized she had the baby with a guy I met 7 years ago. He asked me out 6 times, but I politely declined multiple times. He later offered me a job in his company, but I felt creepy working for him- somehow I felt the offer was just a different approach to own me.  Who knows what he must have told her, or what the reason for the suddent coldness was. It could just as easily be something else. I really don’t care.

 

Today I don’t hurt, I smile. When rumors fly, I know I am doing something right. When there is a new story about me, I don’t even bother to find out what it is, and I certainly don’t cry anymore. I either attained something another woman had been stalking for years, or I said no to a man whose ego couldn’t handle it.

 

All Goddesses have been there, suffered through it, and learned to take those bricks thrown at them and build them into castles. But don’t worry, our castles aren’t empty. We have simply learned to sift and filter better. Rather than open the doors to anyone knocking, we only let a few exceptional people in. There are 350,000 members in my social network, 4000 digital social media friends, 45 people I can call on for solid advice or when I need real results, and 1 small handful of people I can truly count on as a friend. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I couldn’t afford to take good care of that many people anyway.

 

The best advice I can give you is to take your time and learn how to sift. You don’t owe your respect to anyone who hasn’t bothered to earn it. Nor do you owe anyone an apology. Sharpen your intuition, and learn to sniff out the fakers- they are usually in it to get something. They’ll come to you with an ailment and see you as a remedy. They’ll come when in need, then walk when they’re satisfied. Observe. Who are they loyal to? Who is their God?  Most fakes insist on loyalty, in fact they will demand it well before they have demonstrated their worthiness. Most mortals don’t have the dignity to keep their own word. They will flake out with a sweet smile, then call you a friend. Just watch detached, and sooner or later, you’ll develop an instinct for people.

 

Keep your castle clean. It’s better to have only a few worthy friends, than a house full of charlatans.  The more solid humans you have in your life, the more powerful you are, even if you can count them on one hand. And when your enemies start throwing bricks at you, don’t throw them back at them. Keep the bricks, treasure them, then build a taller tower.

 

S

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How to Engineer Magnetic Attraction

Why do experts treat relationships like a science project? Who do people believe that relationships are an achievement? We are born surrounded by billions of people, why do we feel exhilarated when we find just one who wants to be with us? Why do media harp on emotional and psychological inadequacies of people who are unattached? Who do some people pursue relationships as if they are a goal that must be attained? Why do others view marriage as if it is a business deal?

 

For years I have been observing that people who pursue relationships the hardest are always the most miserable. That’s not because they are unattractive to the opposite sex, it is because they believe in the mass hysteria that being without a significant other will leave them empty. So they buy books, sign up for 10-day spiritual retreats to reawaken their kundalinis and attract, attract, attract!

 

It’s hard to get away from the bull. It’s so prevalent that you can’t help but notice that if you are not a subscriber to some relationship self-help scheme, you must have given up on hope. My position is that if you are buying into any of these ideas, you are swallowing snake oil. People who are constantly pursuing relationships are the turnoff.

 

“Buy this, wear that, click here, wait 30 min before replying to a text, never say this to a man, 12 ways to turn a man off,  follow these 9 steps to a guaranteed marriage proposal…”

 

Relationship experts would have us believe that there is a “trick” to getting the other person to like us. There isn’t. Any technique you implement to get a person to respond is a pathetic attempt at manipulation. We are not dogs, we don’t salivate just because you look like a treat.

 

“But I waited an hour before replying to a text! Now he should think I am a busy, high-value woman. He should have started chasing me by now!”

 “But I do yoga, I have a significant social media following, I travel the world and I post about my awesome lifestyle. That shows, I have a full life, and a purpose?! Still, nobody wants me.”  No, it shows you have way too much time on your hands. Who are you when you’re not posing?

Laughable, isn’t it? I can assure you I have NEVER fallen for a person who has attempted to make me like him, love him, be interested in him. It has never happened. I have never even accepted a friendship unless I had a genuine interest in that person. So no matter what book you read, and what technique you apply, I am only interested in you if I am interested in you. There is nothing you can do to make me. I don’t care if you if you have an impressive resume, what car you drive, how many degrees you collected, nor your IQ score. And I really don’t care that you did all the right things, you made effort, you spoke in complete sentences, you bought flowers, and you showed up on time. You proved you have manners, but I am still not going to be attracted to another human because they did all that.

 

Relationship gurus make us believe that if we are diligent enough to jump through a set of hoops, we will earn the prize. This person who is way out of our league, and completely disinterested, will fall in love with us immediately, and be unshakably loyal for eternity. Has that even happened to you? Not to me either.

 

Yet, the smartest men and women buy into this shit. Some of the most highly educated people I know, who pride themselves on their intellect, pore over relationship books endorsed by psychologists, statisticians, animal behaviorists, sociologists and sex experts to study, analyze, and find proof that there is a formula to mating success. There isn’t.

 

Have you ever noticed that some of the least educated people in the world, the ones with limited or non-existent access to relationship expertise, manage to find a mate and procreate without even trying? What are their secrets? Do nomads of the Gobi desert or the lost tribes of Amazonia know something about attraction that we don’t? They sure do.

 

They know yes means yes, and no means no. One means I am interested, the other, I am not. Yes means I want you, no means go away you smelly brute. You don’t score brownie points for trying. You don’t get a gold star for diligence and trying harder than everyone else. You don’t become more attractive, for responding to a text later. You don’t look more shiny or enlightened for striking the goddess pose or a downward dog in front of the whole tribe. In fact, you’ll look stupid.

 

So what is attraction? I don’t know. I have one useless degree in psychology, and thus far no one has ever been able to convince me they know either. Here is what I do know:

 

  1. Only I know what is attractive to me. I will follow my own instinct towards what I find attractive, no matter what you do.  You could shower me with rose petals, buy me diamonds, park the shiniest sports car in my driveway, but I will always follow my own desires toward the man I want, and he probably will not be you.
  2. There is nothing I can do to make myself attractive to a person who is not attracted to me. No dress, no hair style, no gym membership, and no technique has ever helped me win over someone who is not interested in me. To prove I really believe this, I don’t pay for $200 blow outs, wear makeup, follow gurus, or manage a wardrobe. I am not an actress, I don’t need costumes, I have no one to impress. If you like me, you are here, if you don’t, you don’t. If I don’t want to see you naked, no amount of posturing will ever change my mind. No access.
  3. Everything we have earned or qualified for in life does not add up to a relationship. It adds up to your personal satisfaction, an ego trip, or a pile of clutter in your space. Trust me, your certificate in geniousness  will not be impressive to someone with an identical certificate in geniousness. That stretch you do in your skinny Lulu Lemons on a lawn at sunrise makes you look like a pigeon, ruffling its feathers for a mating dance.

 

So what do you do to attract a mate?

 

  1. NOTHING. It’s amazing how many people I attract in a week, simply by doing nothing. I am not speaking from my ego here, I am speaking from a place of humility. The ego would say, I have graduated from a world class university with a degree in business, you have accomplished the same, therefore I now qualify for a relationship with you. You should be attracted to me. A humble human admits to having nothing, and is quite comfortable standing there with nothing for the whole world to see. What is shocking is that with all the nothing I have, people are very much attracted to me. I have hundreds of amazing friends all over the world, whose hearts I won with nothing but Me. I have a voice mail and inbox full of date requests, that I can’t possibly reply to- and I am a woman who doesn’t own a curling iron, a gym membership, nor a makeup bag. There is a lot about myself that I don’t like, and other people shouldn’t have to. I am comfortable with my piles of unaccomplished endeavors, I don’t hide them.

Most importantly, doing nothing helps me accurately gauge what the other is attracted to. Are they attracted to my social media persona, my designer outfits, my clean, spotless. mysterious dating profile they’ll never find online? Or are they looking at me, the real me, that person who truly possesses nothing?

I like people who have the ability to see. No one can fake that. So, I’d rather stand there with nothing to determine what exactly they want from me.

2.  Drop your agenda. It is unattractive. I am not telling you to hide it, because you’ll never succeed. People can see through an agenda, and you’ll look desperate. I am fully aware when a man has an agenda. Regardless of whether he is lonely, eager, terrified of being single, shopping for a trophy, ready to close the deal and tie the knot, we are all transparent. No matter what dating technique you follow to not seem desperate, sooner or later, your agenda will be exposed. If you are pushing someone towards the altar, when you told them you’re cool being casual, you’ll be left at the altar and no, it’s not their fault.  If I see you have a plan for me, I’ll make sure it fails. Why? I have plans for myself, and I will not fit neatly into the life you designed for me. If you have ever watched a woman lead a reluctant man toward commitment, marriage and a baby, you know how unattractive that looks. Men do exactly the same thing with their agendas.

3.  Pursue yourself. When we pursue other people, they will do anything they can to remain free. I don’t want to be pursued by anyone other than the one I have my eye on.  One of the most toxic ideas out there is the idea that relentless pursuit will win over the person we desire. It will not. Relentless pursuit is repulsive. I already said no thanks, so you harping on the subject will only make you look creepy.

An average woman is constantly bombarded by offers for sex, attention, a chance, and offers to get to know her. If women wanted to be pursued by random men everyone would be paired up by now. Men are pursued too by women who have plans for them, long before they are even aware. But unless the object of your desire has indicated clearly “I want you, I am interested in you” you are wasting your time.

Rather than pursue other people, pursue yourself. All that effort you put into attracting a mate should be placed on you. You shouldn’t pursue knowledge, interests, hobbies to become more attractive to the opposite sex, you should only pursue them if they satisfy you and only you.

4.  Be genuine.  There is nothing you can do to not be you. So what purpose is there to investing in special effects that will make you seem more shiny? You will never cover up your oddities, weirdness, nerdiness, or psychological disorders with makeup or a sexy costume. Instead, you’ll piss off the object of your desire for not disclosing earlier you are living on a diet of anti-depressants. Sooner or later, the real you will have to come out. And the real you will be evaluated and judged by a mere human who either wants that, or doesn’t. There will be nothing you can do about it.

 

I don’t have the magic formula for attraction. What I do know is that all this pursuit of relationships is backfiring on everyone. Relationships have become a national obsession, and there is an industry to answer every one of our burning needs, that we should be satisfying ourselves. Relationships have become a trade, and there is nothing more repulsive that a person trading themselves in exchange for a temporary high of being able to change their Facebook status to “In a relationship” for a few days.

 

I love to observe people, especially in a social setting. I run a big social network, and have been throwing parties for single professionals for almost two decades. What I have learned from watching people is what I already posted above:  The people who pursue relationships the hardest, are the most miserable people on earth. Prior to any event I receive inquiries from attendees:  Will so and so be there? Is he/she single? Was so and so seen talking to another woman at your party?  When they get to the party, that so and so is making an effort to avoid them. They know they’re being hunted.

 

What is so funny is that people are being transparent when they intend to be most discreet. A while ago I was dating a guy whom I introduced to friends at a party, but I wasn’t clear with our relationship status. I simply introduced him as a friend. To this day there are three women, showing up to local events looking for him, trying to place themselves under his nose, when he is totally aware of what they are doing.  He even jokes about how easy they would be, simply because he notices how much effort they put into looking great, walking past him multiple times, and acting nonchalant. So stop trying, you’ve already been noticed and it didn’t work.

 

Do you think I will be more interested if you ask me out one more time? It’s amazing to me how people think that if I recently got out of a relationship, that is a brand new opportunity to ask me out again. Some people even think that I must regret not saying yes before, because the man I chose instead was obviously the wrong choice. Do you want me now? No. Will I regret not giving you a chance, when I am 74 and still single? No.

 

Attraction is a mystery. It has been a mystery since the dawn of mankind, and so far, no one has been able to make sense of its random, chaotic, nonsensical mix of brain chemicals, physical traits, sex organs, mating dances, social aptitude, intelligence, or psychological profiles. If there was a formula, it would make dating predictable, painless and boring. Maybe that is the mark of a dullard, that person who is looking to check off a list of things they have done to earn our approval or score a relationship with us. That sap learning from a list of 101 qualities you must possess to find a mate, is the one posing as someone he is not. That woman enrolling in a course in awakening her inner dimwit for the third time, is the one who is looking for something that will never be there.

 

Attraction is supposed to be a mystery. How else would dating be fun and intriguing? Why spoil it will rules to follow, or trying to figure out the opposite sex?  It is the unknown, the unquantifiable, the inexplicable that is attractive.

 

If you are exactly what someone is looking for, you fit their plan, their agenda, their equation, they will take you. Temporarily you’ll balance out a chemical equation and satisfy a need. But we all grow, we all move and we are constantly changing, so how long can you possibly be exactly what the other needs?

 

But if we accept the fact that attraction is chaos, there is beauty to the ever changing mess of human needs and a constant growth of wantingness, then we understand that it is okay for attraction to be random, inexplicable and undefinable. We become okay with being exactly who we are, and non-concerned about how we fit in.

 

If you need a mate before your deadline, one who fits your list of must-have qualities, by all means, sign up for a course, transform yourself, and become whatever the other needs. You’ll need a library full of books, dating and relationship coaches, financial and legal experts who will settle the agreement and tangle you into an unbreakable contract. But if you have a you, if you have a life, if you have a purpose and know how to enjoy it, then what difference does decoding attraction make?

 

There is nothing more unattractive than pursuing a relationship like it is a project and trying to be someone you are not. There is nothing more unattractive than investing in beauty treatments, signing up for courses, believing that your actions will amount to guaranteed interest. They won’t. You’ll turn off armies of people, and still not find the one. With that course of action you will find a lonely, desperate willing participant who also just wants to tie the knot and get it over with. Why not quit the mating game, and enjoy all the beautiful people who are in your life already?

 

Everyone you could possibly date is right in front of your face. But they too have their nose buried in the latest Dating for Dummies bestseller. Real people do not need to be deciphered nor decoded. If you’re sleepable, we’ll say yes, if you’re not, keep walking. People who value themselves, won’t compromise on someone who they are not attracted to. If you are looking to date out of your league, and trying to score a 10 when you are only a 6, well, there’s an entire profession for that.

 

This industry peddles mostly to people of low self-esteem, and narcissists who want a trophy rather than an equal. Don’t buy into that, and you’ll be just fine. Really, all you need to do to score a date is take a shower and brush your teeth every day, go out in daylight so people know you exist, and when asked out, show up and be present.

 

S

 

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