LESSONS LEARNED, and things I will never do again in dating. Never give a man the benefits of a relationship without any agreement. Never assume that a relationship will grow later. Never assume that sex is the beginning of a relationship and that a relationship will blossom out of a sexual connection in the future. It is quite the opposite. In fact, a true relationship begins first, and then, if a woman is satisfied with what he has brought to her table, if she is happy with its growth, if she sees an authentic bond, and if the relationship has reached the commitment level that she needs, only then does she give the benefits. I’m not sure why women still believe that if we pay for a used car in cash upfront, the slimy used car salesman will give us something special later.So, why do women give up the goods up front, and think he will want them so badly later? I have been on this earth for many decades, but women have been around since the dawn of humanity, and we still haven’t learned this lesson?

Assumptions. We have all paid the price for assumed relationships, and connections we thought we had but were never there. Sure, males often avoid the relationship subject because they know that a factual conversation clearly stating “I am not particularly interested in you, but we can hook up a little, for a while” is most likely to be rejected by a woman of some standards. But women often assume relationships, blow connections out of proportion, and we are responsible for what we think, especially when no clear facts were stated. When I look back, most of my connections, situations and relationships were a battle of my own mind, a discrepancy between the man I thought I have and the one who was slapping me in the face with reality. Ouch.

Often, when I talk to women who are hopeful about a budding connection, they seem to believe in the fantasy. The frog will eventually turn into a prince, and if I throw him back in the swamp, I will regret missing out on a great opportunity later. The guy who isn’t stating anything about his feelings is probably having communication difficulties due to his painful childhood, so let me give him as many relationship benefits now to get him to open up later. I’ll just feed him my energy until the price wakes up and falls in love with me.

We all grow up on fairy tales. But more than that, conventional dating wisdom tells women to pay with their energy up front, pour into his cup first, drown yourself in his cesspool, and she will be rewarded later when he turns into a competent husband. What are we thinking? Or, we are told to marathon date every male on Tinder, give each one of the wart infested frogs an equal chance, exhaust ourselves on human garbage, and maybe one lucky girl will get married! Hooray for you. Why do we still believe this sh*t, and why do we still behave like we have no common sense at all?

Would you really pay a used car salesman cash up front without knowing exactly what you will get in return? So why do we date males who have never clearly expressed what they want, who don’t intend to give us anything but di*k as a consolation prize? Is di*k truly worth it? It must be, because so many women are still worshiping it. But that’s what you get when you believe that giving up the goods up front, to some floundering, flip-flop who doesn’t know who he is- you only get di*k with a head attached to it.

You know, since the dawn of mankind, men have been paying for s*x. Why? Because they feed on it. There are entire industries selling women and their energy to men: from matchmaking, to prostitution, to escort services, to s*x tourism, to mail order brides, and trafficking. No one knows how big the industry is, but I’d venture to guess it is a significant chunk of the global economy. Men need women. They survive on women. Men who have no women are perceived as having no power at all.

Now, have you ever paid for d*ck? Have there ever been situations where you thought you’d save up for a good man? Would you buy s*x? How much would you pay for it, what would be a fair price to you? There isn’t a woman I know who is after d*ck only, Tthe older we get, the more we understand that d8ck can’t make a relationship, in fact, it doesn’t even know how to relate. They get old, they deflate, they start to flop, and the less it works, the more energy it takes on the woman’s part to convince d*ck that he is a man. Never mistake a d*ck for a man.

Yet, we all do that. We all think that when we invest in d*ck, we will grow a man. Who taught us this, and why do we believe this? There’s something seriously wrong with this belief, yet we all invest heavily, and we have all been screwed by d*ck that wasn’t worth it.

At a certain point in life, all women realize this. They all realize they have been screwed by the dating culture a.k.a. d*ck culture, that convinces women to pay up front, or give up the goods to every frog in the swamp if she has any hope of catching a prince later. I see women making very poor choices, literally gushing over warty frogs trying to convince everyone they know, No, really, he truly is a prince in disguise! It’s worse when they try to marry the frog, and convince everyone he’s not just a d*ck, he has potential! You’ll see, I’ll clean him up, I’ll teach him good manners, he’ll get a job and no one will ever know he hasn’t yet turned into a man. Girls, stupid, stupid girls believe this sh*t. And they pay a heavy price when they fall for their own delusions. One truly becomes a woman, when she realizes this scam. Is it any secret that when women reach a certain level of maturity, they openly reject d*ck?

The world is full of d*ck and women never buy it. To my knowledge there is no industry selling mail order husbands, male s*x slaves, and the reason women don’t pay for it is because there is zero to no demand for it. D*ck is cheap, it is available in any grocery store aisle, on every social media chat, on every dating app, at Home Depot, and every woman knows to look out for the d*ck trying to walk her to her car. It is so cheap and easy, it ain’t worth paying for.

The delusion most women have is that d*ck is a relationship. And when it is being offered, they reluctantly take the prize, The ones who are eager to work with it, to see if they can relate to it, maybe it will talk and communicate if she tries hard enough, almost always get screwed by their own delusion. These situations eventually turn into lessons for all of us. They have for me. Like most women who have graduated, I no longer give anything for d*ck. I don’t show up for fine wine if it will get me d*ck at the end of the night. I don’t even accept a steak dinner, it too leads to some d*ck I won’t want later. How about a vacation with a d*ck? No thanks, I have wasted miles of air travel and hours of my life to get to some exotic destination halfway across the world to be disappointed by d*ck.

What money women save by never paying for d*ck, they waste sexual energy, attention, time on situations that are nothing but d*ck in disguise. When will we learn that when a man isn’t saying anything, he isn’t committing nor wanting anything genuine at all? When will we learn not to fall for the used car salesman? When will we insist on clear, verifiable facts, not fantasies that a warty frog will turn into a man? When will be stop being afraid of using our judgement, and actually judging males selling snake oil because that is exactly what our brain and our sense of judgement is for? When will we check out of the marathon dating culture a.k.a. d*ck culture, and realize that we are cheating ourselves, making ourselves unhealthy, polluting our own energy, and free ourselves from this belief that d*ck is an actual man?

It turns out that I have been living the “Soft life” for years and I didn’t even know it. If you haven’t heard, the soft life is a social media term that many women are claiming for themselves. According to Google, it is a lifestyle of comfort and relaxation with minimal challenges or stress. But having practiced it for several years now, I can honestly say that the soft life has been the best medicine for me, and my life is so warm and comfy that there is no going back. I’m committed to the soft life for life.

I had been dealing with anxiety and panic attacks since childhood. After an unfortunate incident at work 20 years ago, a therapist twisted my arm into meditating as a way to learn to regulate my out of control emotions. And, meditation turned out to be the most powerful tool I have in my Goddess arsenal. Over the long term it has helped me reduce stress, shift my perspective, stop chasing people, milestones, situations, and start valuing every breath. Once I learned to calm, I also learned to stay balanced longer, and pay attention to the kinds of things that disturb my peace.

There were unhealed friends who never dealt with their own traumas. There were cheap men who brought no value to my life, instead they put me through emotional roller coasters to distract me from seeing they have no self-worth. There were bad habits, and bad beliefs like goal-setting, then feeling sorry for myself that I could not meet my own low goals. There were high stress jobs, that later turned into a work-from-home sanctuary I have now. All these changes came from meditation and becoming familiar with a better, more peaceful, softer energy I wanted to embody.

You don’t have to meditate, you just have to commit yourself to yourself, then pay attention to how you feel in every moment. If it feels good and peaceful, it is a yes. If it feels uncomfortable, potentially stressful (like a wild night out with loud music, a crowded club and drunken friends), then it is as easy no. The more I paid attention to how I truly feel, and the more I started to honor that, the easier it was to say No, without any excuses given.

I also started following my bliss without turning my life and career upside down. Rather than quit a stressful job in the financial industry, I eased into working from home, and investing in creating an easy travel business which was my true passion. I started doing what I love on the side. The best part is that after 5 years, I even started saying No to potential travelers. Yes, I turn down business, and there is no greater luxury that saying no thanks to money. What a pleasure! I do this for my own well-being. Imagine what it is like to be on tour in a far-off destination, having to deal with grown adults creating drama, breaking up arguments, catering to toxic people. Very quickly I realized, if I am to enjoy my own travels and truly experience that bliss I was craving, I had to be in good company. At first I struggled to say no to customers, but the more I kept saying, “No you can’t travel with me- last year you created too many stressful situations for me”, the more my other travelers appreciated my efforts too. When you appreciate your peace more than you need the money, it is easy to keep your table clean and enjoy it with quality people who bring you joy.

That effort crossed over into my romantic relationships. In 2020, at the beginning of lockdown I quit dating, sharing my mind, body,personal space and internal peace with just any male who was asking for my time. Any invitation is now met with a fast and easy No thanks. Have I regretted not dating or missing out on a potential prince? Nope. Not at all. Instead, I loved how I felt at the end of that year of honoring my own needs, that I committed myself to not dating unless I meet a person who I am interested in first. (This is a long story that requires a long explanation, so I will elaborate in another post). But, I decentralized men and relationships from my life, and tossed a 1000 lb weight I had been carrying on my back. I feel healthier and lighter than ever. I am not opposed to men, but now one would have to be honorable, respectable, and highly evolved in order to get my attention.

Softening my life has made me sensitive to my own needs, and I really pay attention to how people make me feel, what they bring to my table, do they value me as a friend? In 2021, I let go of a nutty, gaslighting, temperamental, ungrateful, imbalanced “friend” as soon as I noticed the crazy-making, that my needs were being ignored, and no amount of polite talking was getting through. I did it quickly and easily, and I have no regrets. Peace is my top priority.

Living the soft life isn’t difficult at all. We all waste time chasing people and situations, apologizing, trying to build relationships with people who don’t value us. We are all wasting time on something. Many of us are wasting time chasing goals that mean nothing to us, we just thought that attaining them would feel better. Some goals are good, but what’s truly important is that they actually balance you, not stress you out. For me, the biggest time-wasters were dating, and connections with people who don’t even respect themselves. I never liked dating, I always hated the getting to know someone process. I never liked the dating apps- I still insist that they are a toxic pool I will never swim in. And connecting with someone just to go through the motions because right now I have nothing better going for me is a hideous waste of my own precious time.

Many of you have relationships you are constantly trying to fix. We all value our family members and people who have been in our lives forever. So we are more likely to get stuck fixing people who don’t want to be fixed. I totally understand. I have been trying to “repair” my sister for years, but she doesn’t want to be repaired. No matter what I do trying to connect and reconnect and grow with her, she shuts me out (for good reason), She doesn’t try to have a relationship with me at all. We get along just fine, but there is a coldness and an emotional wall there. I have no right to break down her wall, nor climb over it, I have no right to interfere, I have no permission to fix somebody. and it is not my place. So, I have to accept, and let go. I still have a sister, and we have some sort of a distant, sterile situationship, and maybe that is all I can have. I accept and I move on.

Here are my suggestions for softening your life:

1) Go at your own pace, take plenty of rest and take time to envision what the soft life means to you.

2) Make yourself your top priority, and by all means, be more selfish. Give generously to yourself. Give yourself alone time, give yourself gifts, give yourself therapy, or meditation, or a good self-help book. I buy myself high-end jewelry, African safaris, a sports car, and fine wine that I don’t share with anyone else.

3) Clear your table, and make sure only healthy people get to sit at it. This is something I learned during lockdown. Those of you who know me in real life know that I run an east coast party network. Being friends with everyone is draining. You feel obligated by other people’s expectations, never knowing whether they actually qualify for your attention. During lockdown, we were forced to tighten our social circle, and only invite the healthy, the vaccinated, the soft and gentle friends, who bring laughter, support, encouragement, good wishes to my home. I am keeping it that way. A small, supportive, healthy circle is softer and more meaningful that a big, loud one.

4) Boundaries are king! I say no unapologetically and I don’t care who is pissed. No means no, no matter who is asking.

5) Tune out media. I have no TV. I haven’t had one since 2009. I watch no violence, no politics, no commentary, and yet I am still informed. My job requires financial news, and politics affects that, but I do not have to have media pollute my silence every day of my life.

6) Take care of your mind and body. I would love you to meditate, but if you can’t, at least cut out the noise, connect to nature alone

7) Invest in yourself: Go back to school, sharpen your skills, learn a new language, hire a therapist, get a new hobby. I challenge you to take at least one solo trip abroad per year.

8) If you are a woman, stop dating. Please! Heal yourself, drop out of the race, trust me, you will feel so much healthier. I wrote many posts before about getting on a man diet, and in the past taking year-long breaks from dating has been invigorating. But, I do think that the dating apps and social media are toxic and they attract low quality people. You will never meet a price or princess swimming in a toxic swamp, you will only catch warts or an STD. I really believe that marathon dating, and constantly putting yourself out there is unhealthy, and a lot of women are draining themselves participating in that. Just say no.

Just before New Year, I was telling my friends that I have achieved internal peace. I am happy, I am satisfied, I am relaxed, I have everything. The things I don’t have, I don’t truly need, and I am not willing to chase them. More and more things are falling into my lap, because I am receiving, not chasing. I am grateful for the life that I have created for myself, and I am grateful that I have earned the right to say No. I reject business from clients who are hard to deal with, I say no to work projects that are likely to drain me, I say no to friends who don’t respect my boundaries, I think long and hard will something bring me pleasure before I agree to it. So many things that are being offered to me are not good enough, and I recognize that now. So many people who are asking for my attention can’t compete with a decent glass of wine I buy for myself. I’ll choose the wine, not some dusty who texts me ‘Hey’ at 8pm on a Friday night. For the record, I never text back.

If they make you feel so angry and frustrated, why do you keep coming back? We all have a person who is challenging us, antagonizing us, he or she is the perceived cause of all our problems. What is it about them that you need? What is keeping your attention on them, and why can’t you let go?

We all benefit from having people in our lives, from having a support system, and people to reflect with. But if this person is as toxic as you claim, why are YOU so fixated on them? Why can’t you walk away? What are they feeding you that you are bingeing on? Think about it. It takes two to tango. Often, it is we who are addicted to their toxicity. Sure, they are awful and treat you badly, but if that was the whole problem, you could easily walk away. Why are you still here? Is their constant stream of toxicity your fuel ? Does their abuse provide you with an identity of victim, does their drama give you something to participate in?

Have you ever met people who are always in some sort of a mess? They have a toxic parent, a crazy ex, a bad boss, and friends who never give as much as they do. When one problem gets solved, another one arises almost instantaneously. And then there are the ailments, both physical and emotional ones, and you want to sympathize, but after a while it is obvious their whole life is a wreck. They blame everything on others, yet they cannot walk away from their tormentor? Ask them this: If this person is so bad to you, if he is the cause of all your dissatisfaction, why do you seek his company or a relationship with him? Chances are, they don’t know why. They may say that they need friends, family, and love like everyone else and that’s true, but they cannot provide a concrete reason for why they actually need this person specifically. That’s because the relationship is not personal, it is about what their tormentor provides. They need the tormentor’s time, their attention, social access, money or whatever it is that they provide, but they know nothing about who this person is on an inner level. They need the drama as much as their toxic ex needs them.

A long time ago, I wrote a blog post called “We Love on Our Own Level of Consciousness” and all our relationships reflect who we are. You cannot tango with someone who is less conscious than you, and you are not healthier than the toxic people who you give access to. You can’t walk away from them because they provide something that you cannot live without.

Can you identify what your toxic mother provides you, what your crazy ex from 10 years ago still does for you, identify exactly what you continue to get from them? Be honest with yourself. Are you still latched onto them because of money, addiction to toxicity, fear, emptiness, personally inadequacy? If they disappeared tomorrow, how would you feel without them? Would you then seek out similar company with new people who provide just as much drama?

Have you ever noticed that when one relationship ends, a similar one with the same issues begins? You might lose a crazy, toxic friend, only to get into a romantic relationship with a toxic person with similar qualities? They never go away, do they? That’s because you are still here to greet them.

All relationships reflect who we are right now. Unless we are the ones who change, people will continue to mirror back who we are, and that can be maddening enough to take all our aggression on them. Before you allow another imbalanced person to throw you off course, ask them What keeps bringing you back to me? If I am so bad, why do you continue to call? Why do you keep asking me to come back, why do you keep working on our relationship? If they cannot give you a concrete reason and simply keep trying because they have nowhere else to go, know that the relationship was never about YOU, it was always about what you provide for them.

This morning my sister asked me why I continue to care for my elderly mom, when she was so cold and dismissive of us when we were growing up. Luckily, I have had 18 month to think about this. Closure. She is providing me with closure I never would have had if I turned my back, put her in a nursing home, and took care of her the way she took care of me when I was a child. I want to know that I can do better for another human being, and that I am over any past resentments. I want to feel peace with myself. It is not about her at all.

Every relationship has a reason for being. If you are unaware of it, seek that reason within yourself. Most people in our lives served some need many years ago, and we are attached to them simply because we are afraid to let go, when we should have flowed to a newer and fresher perspective many years ago. They are all we know, so we keep driving each other crazy over and over again. They might be toxic, but you might be too. The truly toxic people simply feed on relationships regardless of whether the interaction is positive or negative. They love their tormentor, they need their bully to bully them, how else would they know they exist?

To toxic people, we are simply an audience, eyeballs they need to validate their performance in life, the applause then need to hear, we are someone who listens and mirrors back the person they want to believe they are. It’s exhausting to do that for people, and chances are that is all they need from you. Move on.

S

You can’t take down a woman who knows exactly who she is, who has accepted all her flaws, failures, shortcomings, and learned to appreciate and be proud of all her scars. True or false? You can’t insult a woman, manipulate her, or make her act smaller, when she knows her own power. You can’t tell her she is nothing, she won’t believe you.Are you still struggling against people who bring you down? Instead of asking what is wrong with them, instead of trying to fix your relationship with them, look within yourself. Your problem isn’t them, the problem is that you believe them, you believe in who they are, their words have too much weight, you are giving them too much power.

A woman who has accepted all her mistakes, a woman in love with her body, a woman who has accomplished loving her choices, her career, her lifestyle, will never doubt herself, and never apologize for who she is. Never, ever, ever. I am the epitome of that free woman who is often called names. I released myself from people’s judgment, but most importantly from judging myself when I realized that even those toughest choices I made that nobody approves of were made in my own best interest. Had I chosen what is right for society, my parents, or men, I would surely be hating myself right now. I would be apologizing, feeling the need to compensate or justify my actions.What freed me is the realization that I AM that woman who has made some painful decisions, said No and suffered the consequences, because I had to be true to myself. That is nothing to be ashamed about, and it is nothing to apologize for.

All humans have flaws, insecurities, and feel guilt acting in their own interest- especially women. When people hear you justify your actions, seek approval, or apologize, they know exactly how to exploit you. You open yourself up to their judgment, what is worse you listen to it, then believe it. Whose fault is that you feel bad about yourself?Toxic people look for flaws, bring them up, then watch your reaction as you try to justify who you are. No matter what you feel insecure about, they will find it. The onus is on you to change how you speak, how you present yourself, and whether you allow people to interpret your flaws in a way that makes them feel better than you. This is my advice about how to effectively talk about your flaws:

• Never fight critics, judgment or toxic beliefs. That’s like arguing for your self-worth, and it acknowledges their assertion. Instead, proudly talk about your decisions, flaws and mistakes as if you have chosen them, as if you have truly benefited from those flaws.
  • When I sense that someone is trying to explore my weaknesses, I admit what I did, or I openly call attention to exactly that flaw they are trying to exploit, but then I start beaming with pride. Do you want to talk about my weight gain? You know, I am falling in love with my newly found curves. I never thought I’d be getting so much positive attention from men! Do you want to talk about my devastating break-up? I am living my life now, loving my freedom, travels, and enjoying younger men. Do you want to talk about my career setback, I’ll tell you how that minor setback has lead to an amazing new opportunity. You will never hear me feel bad about myself. Sure, we all feel bad sometimes, for that we have trusted friends who support us. But, the worst thing that you can do is hand yourself on a silver platter to critics.
  • Play offense, rather than defense.Toxic people know how to pour salt into your wound, then they watch to see you flinch. Rather than flinch, put on a smile, then call their attention to their flaws instead. A few years ago I met some girlfriends in a bar, but that day I was in no mood to dress up, wear heals or makeup- I just showed up in my house clothes. They are all gorgeous and stunning, but that day I felt comfortable as is. A guy at the bar zeroed in on me, seeing an opportunity to test my insecurities. He asked me how it feels to be surrounded by such gorgeous creatures and be the shortest one in the simplest dress. I smiled because I was going to enjoy this conversation. I proudly said that it feels great because I’m enjoying my reflection off his bald head- I can now put on my lipstick while I tower over him. Did I walk away? Nope, I just stood there beaming with pride, and watched him back away.
  • Know that anyone who is looking for your insecurities is likely to be more insecure than you. Confident and healthy people don’t need to exploit your flaws, they will bring out the best in you. But toxic people need to make you feel smaller than they are, so they could feel good about themselves. This is your signal that you are dealing with someone who is not your professional, romantic, emotional nor intellectual equal. Armed with this knowledge, you now know not to justify your actions to them, instead look them straight in the eye and call out their insecurities or inferiority instead. Never invent things that are not true, only call them out for the behavior that you see. Toxic people fear being discovered, they live in fear that others will know their own failures and flaws- that is exactly why they try to make you feel smaller. You will see they fear women like you, the ones who easily see past their words, and are not afraid to stand firmly.

Had I not worked on myself and learned to love each and every of my flaws, I would never have had the confidence to talk back to someone, let alone revel in my flaws while I turn the table on him. But, today I have the power of knowing exactly who I am, so I can afford to stand firm, while someone tries their best to bring me down. There are many of you in this forum who are working on relationships, trying to teach men to treat you better, trying to show the world that you are worthy. The only mistake you are making is wasting time on other people, or trying to change their opinions of you. That will never change, because they see you trying and they are enjoying your effort to appease them.

Change your opinion of yourself. At first, you won’t believe in your new opinion. Change how you talk about yourself, change how you stand, change the tone of your voice, never react, change how you act. People will challenge your new confidence, no one will believe it at first. And when people don’t believe you, be okay with it. A lot of women get emotional and apologetic when no one believes they are worthy or powerful. Instead of arguing for your self-worth, brag about it .

Do you want to know how to address people’s inquiries about your flaws, failures, weaknesses and embarrassments? Brag about them as proudly as you can. Think of each of your mistakes as something that you have learned from and turned into an advantage. Take any issue that you have felt guilty or ashamed about and change your position. I am no longer afraid, I empower other women to speak freely about their choices too. Call attention to your physical features, and speak as proudly as if you have designed yourself to be this way. How do you feel about the 10 lbs you gained during lockdown? I love it! I stand in front of the mirror and admire my new curves every day. So tell me, how do you feel about your receding hairline?

S

Why do women believe that there is something wrong with them if they have experienced countless toxic patterns with toxic men? Why do we automatically believe that there is something wrong with us, that we are ruined, spoiled, jaded, negative, broken, damaged, messed up? Because we are taught that.

Society, media, and culture tell us that women with a lot of experience are somehow damaged by negative experience and broken relationships. I disagree. I am not damaged, I am wise. I wasn’t broken, I healed myself then learned how to avoid toxic people and situations. Experience is the best teacher. Since I can’t underline this statement, I will repeat it: Experience is the best teacher, and you should never apologize or think less of yourself for being learned.

That’s the same as when media claims that women with MBAs are now not eligible for marriage because they are over-educated, cold-hearted, over-ambitious and too greedy to settle down and have children. Absolute bullsh**.

So, what is wrong with you? NOTHING. The only fault that you have is that you believe this garbage that there is something wrong with you. Yes, bad experience can cause trauma, trauma is agonizing pain, and when it is not properly dealt with it can cause future harm to the self. But, most of us are actively processing past relationships, negative experiences, talking about them, getting help, still learning, and most importantly healing. Like many of you, I have a lifetime of experience with hideous men, monsters, toxic friends, bosses, neighbors, family members. I have learned from all of them. It took me 48 years on this earth to start to recognize patterns, pay attention to red flags, spot suspicious behavior, learn to read people.

According to some textbooks and many experts, my alertness could be recognized as a problem. Maybe I do approach people with caution. I’ll give you that. But, what I have recognized within myself is that I am now a better reader of people. I pay attention, not just in romantic situations, but with all people I meet. My stillness allows me to see things that people who are too eager and excited do not see. It is amazing what happens when a woman begins to trust herself, believe in her own intuition, trust her own decisions, and feels no need to compensate, apologize, or question her own judgment.

No I am not broken, I am powerful. And so are you. You too have a lifetime of pain. Every human being on this planet does. Do you see yourself as a victim? Maybe you should reconsider that. Instead of telling your friends about your pains and your traumas and your failures, how about talking about your lessons, what you have learned out of each crash, how you honored yourself after abuse, how you left toxic people behind, and about how healing and freeing it felt to make a painful decision that honored you.How amazing would it be if we congratulated each other for those painfully hard decisions? You are a winner, you did good for yourself. You spoke up, you said the most painful thing, you spoke your truth and freed yourself. You stood up, you believed in your own inner guidance system, you defended your boundaries, you displayed remarkable strength, incredible focus, you cut that cancerous person out of your pain body. You are like the GI Jane of pain relief! Congratulations on being so tough.

No, I am not broken, I am not spoiled, I am not negative, and I am not a victim. I am experienced, I spot the signs of a predator, a toxic person, a con-artist because I believe in my own experience and everything that I have learned thus far, and I won’t apologize.The most valuable education I have received in my life has nothing to do with my degrees. The most valuable education was my pain, my traumas, my sadness, my loss, my anxiety, my past depression, my accidents, my illnesses, my emotional anguish. I am not sick, I am not tarnished- I AM WELL. I have 48 years of experience dealing with difficulties, broken hearts, trauma, sickness, abuse, and I learned how to honor myself through it. I have 48 years worth of patterns that I now know how to analyze. Having a lifetime of patterns is like owning a lifetime of solid data- it is like being a good statistician- you let the data speak to you. No I don’t apologize for seeing danger, I know how to read the signs.

If I am protective of my friends or other women, it is not because I want them to fear, it is because i want them to trust their instincts and honor them. If I warn people about something I have experienced before, it is because I want them to make the best decision for themselves. If someone can do you harm, I will take the blindfold off your eyes, because maybe you don’t see clearly. Is something wrong with me? NOTHING. I am educated, I am experienced, I am wise. I stand by what I have learned. I have a graduate degree in humanity. I have a big heart and I want women to see the power within themselves and stop apologizing for that power. We are not victims, we know what we are talking about.

S

“Wherever you go, there you are.”– Eckhart Tolle. It took me decades to understand that no matter how much I blame my circumstances on other people, no matter how far I run, there I am, at the center of every problem of my life. No matter how much I deny my own role in my own pain and suffering, I am the only one at the heart of every situation.

No matter where I move in this world, and I have lived in many countries, there is no way of escaping that reality I create for myself. Your life patterns, your habits, your choices, your issues will follow you everywhere, until one day you realize it is not the world that is ruining your life, it is you. You are center stage of your life’s drama, and only you create your own saga. Other people are just characters who possess the traits, habits, problems and issues that you need to learn your life’s lessons.

For example, I always wondered why my life is full of controlling manipulative people. I left every man who was managing my life, I broke up with my own father, I moved away so I wouldn’t have to see them again, and the farther I went, the more friends I made who also had control issues and manipulated me into giving them the kind of friendship or relationship they needed from me. I would never even realize this could turn into something toxic until I got stabbed in the back, lost money, got cornered. On the outside it may seem that I had bad friends, but on the inside I was choosing people to be in my life, I was attracted to certain kinds of men, I mistook control and subtle signs of manipulation for confidence, strength, masculinity- that was all my own program.

There are countless other patterns repeating themselves throughout my life. My inability to defend my boundaries, my fear of speaking my own truth, my preoccupation with injustice, drew me into situations where I experienced exactly that through other people. Each time I believed that those people were creating the problems in my life. It wasn’t until I realized that this is my life, I own it, I own my creation, that I realized that I am the only one who holds the responsibility to change it. Running away from “bad people” never solved my problem. Instead I attracted even more boundary crossers, more liars, more egomaniacs.

Each person brought into my life the harshest lessons I needed in order to teach me how to deal with my own insecurities, weaknesses, how to defend my own boundaries by speaking up. Once I took responsibility for learning how to speak up, I noticed that things started to shift in my favor. One boundary defended, a little respect earned for myself. It felt good to learn to speak my truth, even though it was painful. It felt good to stop running away and face, even call out manipulators. Once you start fixing your own reality, you start to feel more powerful.

A lot of women think that they are failing at relationships. What they don’t realize is that was just one lesson, and if you haven’t mastered the lesson, you will keep entangling with more people who bring you the same issues until you learn to say no, or stand up, or speak up, whatever your handicap is. You haven’t failed at anything, you just haven’t mastered your voice, your confidence, your boundaries, you have not learned to value yourself enough.

In my opinion, the purpose of those many “failed” relationships is to teach you to value yourself most of all, to make choices that honor you first, to strengthen your dignity, to understand that you steer your own wheel in the direction you want. How good could a relationship be if you haven’t learned that? The toughest situations in life are all about you and your self-mastery.

I do see that a lot of women aren’t interested in that. Many just want to get married. They think I will feel better, I will be better as soon as I find someone who will give me the stability, the love, the home and child that I want. They really don’t care about self development. They assume that their “Self” will be cured once they attain that goal. So they keep chasing, they keep bending over backwards, standing on their heads, thinking that if they can adjust to other people’s expectations of them, they will master those people, It doesn’t matter if those people are bosses, friends, family members or lovers, you never win someone’s respect, you never earn their trust by adjusting your “Self” to their needs or expectations. If you are not ready to take responsibility for your own patterns, your own life, you are not ready for the kind of relationship you dream of. Who will trust a woman who compromises her own truth? Who will respect a woman who neglects her boundaries just to score a little bit of love? No one.

“Wherever you go, there you are.” Your journey isn’t about negotiating your pain with other people, it is about creating yourself, mastering your own habits, choices, taking full responsibility for what happens to you, and dealing with it on your own terms, in a way that honors you. In the end, you can’t run away from you, so you may as well master yourself.

S

PS. The quote “Wherever you go, there you are.” is a quote used by many people, and a title of a book written by yet another author. I attributed it to Eckhart Tolle, but it is a common saying.

You should have people audition for a role in your life. I’m not kidding. After years of betrayal, crossed boundaries, learning to stand up for myself, but most of all learning to respect myself and place my own honor above all others’, I have learned to audition people to be in my life.

It took years of work to learn how to tell the difference between genuine friendships and conditional ones, how to deal with crossed boundaries, toxicity, drama, that I realized that relationships in general are exhausting. I simply don’t have the emotional capacity to fight war every time someone decides to test my boundary for the 17th time. So what do I do now? I audition people to be in my life.

I have said several times in this forum that I am happy with my relationships in the sense that I have narrowed my giant circle of acquaintances, coworkers, party people and men into a small circle of people I genuinely appreciate for being in my life. But that doesn’t happen by swinging the door wide open and letting anyone who is interested in. It happens by having criteria or standards for the types of people you want to date, work with, share with, bond with, and then being very selective about who you let in.

Today I want to talk about how being selective relates to men and dating, and about the pain a lot of women endure for having no criteria at all. Giving a chance to any man who shows interest means having no criteria. Why is his interest so important? Shouldn’t you be interested first? A lot of men question my judgment and ask “How do you know you are not interested in me”? A lot of women complain as well “How would I know if I am interested in him if I don’t give him a chance”? To me this sounds like a very stupid question. Do you mean to tell me you have no personal desires, criteria, attraction points that you are aware of up front, that could help you determine whether a person warrants your interest? This is how a lot of women get hurt, emotionally pummeled when after they have already invested themselves into a man, the only way they know he isn’t the one is if he has rejected them. They keep working on the relationship, give it their 110% all the way until he decides this won’t work. By this point they have already slept with him, they have already opened up and been vulnerable, they have already accepted all his faults, made sense of everything that doesn’t add up about his story, and they feel crushed because they invested so much into somebody who doesn’t even care enough to return a phone call. This is because they have no criteria at all for men.

I see so many beautiful, caring, loving, successful, educated women give, give, give, to get nothing in return from men they have put way too much trust and importance into, and when I ask them why they even went out with him in the first place (as many of them are out of his league anyway), they tell me they were looking for a chance. Girl, you are the Goddess here, you are the prize, and you can’t make yourself available to anyone who wants you. Your time, your body, your emotions are not something people get to take a chance on. In fact, a Goddess is someone to be worshiped, respected, honored, and all of that should be proven way before anyone gets to ask for your time. Otherwise, how would you know if he is worth your attention?

It has been about 7 years since I learned to truly see myself, my attention, my time, my body as something that is far too valuable to be given away or traded for a chance. It has been 2 years since I have been practicing self-honor to the level where I feel that I honor myself 100% of the time. Do you know how good that feels? Do you know how it feels when you have criteria for people and situations you give your time to? It feels like pure power to be selective, to know exactly what I want, to be able to say No Thank You, to qualify people before handing them your trust, your money, access to your home, your body, your privacy, your mental health. Total power, pure, uncompromising self-respect, dignity, self-love, a life of peace, quality relationships, fulfillment- this is not wishful thinking, this is your work. And the way I ensure that my friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships are healthy is I have to say No a lot.

Many years ago, when I was starting out in business, I thought I had to say Yes to everything in order to get the business. I found myself catering to whims of angry customers who didn’t even know what they wanted, nor what strategy was good for them, they simply wanted total control and someone to constantly say yes to them. Those were the worst years of my career and I suffered from anxiety, asthma and was a miserable, nervous wreck who hated her job. But I was taught that pleasing customers was of utmost importance, how else are you going to get recommendations and more business? Then, one day, out of sheer frustration and defeat, I said No to a pushy customer. No, I won’t do that. If you think you can get a better deal elsewhere, feel free to go elsewhere. Know what? He didn’t budge. Even after I put the phone down, he kept calling me for days asking me to put this deal together for him. I closed that deal, and I charged him 3 times more for my aggravation, and yes, he paid it because I kept saying No to him every single day until closing. The moral of the story is that, you have to say No, you must protect your own sanity and dignity at all times, and slowly you will see quality people come into your life. They won’t come in when they see that you are a doormat. Since then the word No has been my best strategy in life. I now select work projects, co-workers I am willing to have on my team, I select my friends because quality people are selective too, and I say No thank you to 99% of men who ask me out. I respect my time, my body and my mind so much, that I’d rather be without people who push buttons, overstep boundaries, or take advantage. They are not friends, and they will waste being time on your team.

But back to men and dating. A lot of women are not aware that without strict criteria, they are fully responsible for earning time with low-quality men who actually can’t do anything for them, can’t add value to their lives, and are simply wasting time of multiple women at the same time. Do you really want to compete for that? Imagine how frustrating it is to be texting with some loser who keeps yanking your chain, changing plans, replies whenever he feels like it, keeps you in suspense. A lot of women would work even harder to pin him down and get him to commit to a date. I wouldn’t. When I see someone is playing hard to get, is texting multiple women at the same time, and trying to frustrate me or trigger me into chasing, I let him go chase his own tail. Not me, I shut that down immediately.

When I see an acquaintance who is constantly pushing my buttons, shows signs or control or manipulation, do you think I invite that into my life and give her a chance to be a friend? Nope, I already have plenty of experience with that. Just like you wouldn’t give multiple chances to a non-performing coworker to miss another deadline, why do you invite males who haven’t qualified to be with you into your life? Because you have no criteria for a healthy relationship. Life is an audition. Do you think you could get that job position, fancy title, a pay raise if you didn’t qualify for it? Think how long your audition process was for your job, just for you to get an opportunity to try and qualify for that 90 day probationary period? Did your boss give you that bonus up front? How long did your manager verify your resume? Did they check your references by calling your previous employer? How long did they track your performance ? Did they set clear goals and a list of deliverables that you must accomplish in order to remain employed? Most of all, did anyone pay you up-front? Nope, you had to earn an opportunity to be there, but above of all you had to be qualified. You had to pass multiple auditions and convince multiple hiring managers to give you a chance.So why then do you give chances to males who have not even lifted a finger to get your time? Why do you engage in exhaustive texting trying to negotiate one measly date with a stranger? Why are you having sex with a male who you suspect is sleeping with other women? Do you believe that later, he will fall deeply, madly in love with you, and then you’ll negotiate commitment from a man who has other options? Do you really think that will work out in your favor? That’s like paying a used car salesman before you have test-driven a used car. What kind of car do you think you will score then?

The problem with a lot of women is that they pay for it long before they even know who they are dealing with. They give chances to males far below their own level of education, sophistication, worldliness, wisdom, self-development and it is because they believe that there is a global shortage of men, because they believe in their own expiration date, they are lonely, and the answer I hear most often is that there aren’t excellent men out there, so I must give someone a chance. If you believe that you must settle, you will settle. And when you try to create a healthy relationship with someone who is not your emotional equal, guess what you will get? I am pretty sure you have plenty of experience with that.

Every milestone of your life is an audition. You can’t even get into college without decent grades. But I bet that getting into college is far easier than negotiating for your self-worth with a man who can’t be bothered to respect your time. So how to set criteria? Don’t be afraid to judge. In fact, you must have a strong sense of judgment before you can judge whether people are healthy, respectable, honorable and have good intentions. Notice how I repeated the word Judge? People get shamed for judging others, but you were born with a brain capable of logical reasoning and sound judgment is critical for survival of every species on the planet. You must use your sound judgment, and work on fine tuning it so that you are always aware of who is good for you. Yeah, I judge people because I have been drained, ripped off, trampled on, used, manipulated, controlled, but guess what? Now I have a ton of experience to know how to spot a con, and with whom I can safely take down my guard.

I have some criteria for all people, and some, more specific criteria for lovers, friends, family etc. But in general, I admire and work well with people who are genuine, honorable, worthy, self-aware, emotionally healthy, wise, caring. I quickly dismiss big egos, pushiness, boundary testers, energy vampires, controllers, needy people, the codependent and those who seek to dominate. Anyone who has triggered me deserves a sound evaluation. As far as men go, many years ago I wrote a list of 50 characteristics a man must possess in order for me to enter a relationship, and 25 characteristics that he must have before I will even go on a first date. Believe it or not, once you get to know what you want, red-flags are very easy to spot. When a man doesn’t provide me with enough information, evades questions, when his story doesn’t add up, that does not mean that I should give him a chance to prove himself. If your resume had big gaps, and your story didn’t add up, would your employer have given you a chance and a weekly paycheck until you proved yourself?

Whatever the criteria you have set, make sure you honor it all the time. Once you start saying No, it gets easier. You won’t lose out on an opportunity of a lifetime with a man if you reject him. You will lose the frustration of trying to figure someone out who doesn’t make any sense at all. Also, please stop thinking that every man is an opportunity for something, and that you might lose your great chance because you didn’t give a frog a chance to turn into a prince. A grown woman knows that kissing frogs is humiliating. While you are kissing that frog, he is enjoying his time with you, but he is the only one having a good time. Please stop seeing every male as an opportunity. You will have a difficult time using your sound judgment when you doubt your criteria and worry that you might lose out on something big if you say No Thank You. Instead, you will earn your self-respect.

If you are having difficulty asking hard questions, asking for a detailed explanation, getting his personal details, why are you sleeping with the man? None of those answers will magically appear later.One of the best things I have ever done for myself is to create a list of criteria that people must meet in order to be in my life, and yes I do audition people who are asking for my time, commitment, and friendship. Life is an audition, you don’t reach major milestones without qualifying, and the best thing that you can do is to take the time to qualify men before you start giving them your body and mind. Dating is not a guarantee that with enough time and effort you will earn a relationship. Dating is an interview process, it is an audition, and it is the absolute wrong time to start giving before you have made a sound judgment whether this person is worth your time.

S

We live in a digital world, and most people I know date using apps like Tinder and Bumble. I don’t. In previous posts I explained why I don’t like it and I won’t bore you with my own choices. But, so many of my friends do and I am always curious about what kind of people they meet and what types of interactions they have. Many of them are miserable because they are meeting drones who are unable to relate to another human, yet they don’t have the self-respect to remove themselves from these situations. What’s worse, is that their expectations of these digital players are pretty high. They really believe that a stranger they met online will give them a quality experience.

Is it reasonable to expect that the people we meet virtually will be as honest, honorable and considerate as the people we meet and relationships we cultivate in person? If we met at a party through mutual friends, I might think twice before I call you a name, slam the door in your face and accuse you of being a freak. After all we have friends in common, we both have a reputation to protect. The cost of acting inappropriate is higher when we belong to the same social network. But, if our relationship is strictly digital, neither of us has much to lose for treating the other disgracefully. How much do you value a digital date? How much do you value a person who showed up at the click of a button? I admit, I don’t value that person at all. I might be respectful, human and decent toward them, but I haven’t earned an opportunity to be with them, I have done nothing to earn their trust, respect, nor attention. If I can click a button and get you to show up in an hour, for free, at no emotional or personal cost to me at all, honestly, I won’t value you at all. Maybe somebody else would, but I am being honest here, why would I value you, and the dozen other people who are willing to give me a date, when I didn’t even have to ask you face to face will you go out with me?

My theory is that people we meet online are valued less in terms of dating and relating, than people whose relationships we had to cultivate over a period of time. If I had to earn your friendship, I will value you as a human more. I will have a deeper understanding of who you are, I will have something concrete to relate to. Even if that level of personal understanding is low, I still had to earn time to be with you, and am more likely to value you and respect you, even if we are drastically different.

I know people meet online all the time, they get married and live happily ever after. I have close friends who married their Match and eHarmony dates, and divorced them in three years. It is possible for all of us to find an instant date, an instant relationship and an instant bond. But how valuable is it? How disposable is it?

Many of you have been ghosted by digital lovers, and find it hurtful and rude. But, what are your expectations of people who you met online? I understand how hurtful ghosting would be if you knew someone for years and they simply cut you off. I understand if you were in a serious relationship and the guy disappeared. Those are all real connections that warrant face to face communication. But what are your expectations of a digital date? Do you truly expect a stranger to coddle your feelings and communicate lovingly with you?

I find digital dating to be too superficial, too artificial, and I don’t get a good read on people online. In the past when I tried online dating, I really did not like the kind of males I met in person. I found them to either be weird, expect quick results, have toxic habits, or have unhealthy expectations. I also observed that both men and women who go for digital dates are more likely to be disconnected or of low emotional intelligence. Sorry friends, but if you are willing to start relating and romancing a complete stranger you don’t have self-worth, you lack an internal guidance system, you can’t tell the difference between a human with a soul, and a human who is just as empty and confused as you. Sorry if I offended you, but this blog is about perfect honesty.

A lot of women I know marathon date online, have a date every week, line up new dates well in advance, and I am always a bit surprised they have such high expectations of those males. It is almost normal that they get ghosted 1 out of 5 times, that they hook up and then learn he is not looking for a relationship. Some have created fantasies, even gone on vacations with males who lack emotions, only to come back and wonder why did things not work out? Well, if you can’t tell a male has no ability to relate or emote up front, why are you surprised that the whole thing fell apart as soon as you started to build a relationship?

It is customary for online daters to get juggled with a few other people, and quite often they compete for attention from strangers they barely know. Why would a healthy person want to be a part of this scheme? To me it is absolutely sickening that there are so many people out there willing to act out intimacy with complete strangers, and allow themselves to be judged, evaluated and rated as relationship material by people who don’t even qualify as an emotionally healthy human.

Again, that’s a question for you to answer. I never liked it so I stopped dating online almost 10 years ago. I saw that the quality of the people I was meeting was low, that our interactions are shallow, and that their behavior is quite offensive. But, I also understood that I was a digital date, they didn’t have to do anything to earn my attention, they barely had to qualify, so what did I expect? A knight in shining armor or a prince charming?

I’m not saying that all digital dates are bad, but we have to have more reasonable expectations of people we don’t know. If you are going on a date with a complete stranger, who didn’t even have to ask you out face to face, who didn’t have to prove to you that he is a decent human being, and you instantly showed up because he clicked a button, of what value are you to him, and how much effort should you make for a person you don’t know? I think many of my friends are putting way too much effort into digital men who are busy communicating with a dozen women at the same time. What does that do to your self-esteem? What does that do to your sanity?

My second theory is that many of the people we meet online are males who would never have an opportunity with the opposite sex at all. You might not even give them a second glance if you met them in person first. But apps give us all an opportunity to shop around, swipe right, swipe left, and a lot of low quality, toxic people now have immediate access to individuals they would never have a chance with in person. A lot of males select everybody because they are playing numbers. They know they will get lucky because at least one beautiful woman who they know is way out of their league will show up. Her self-esteem will be just low enough to give an incel a chance. Online dating is like a slot machine, all you have to do is keep pulling the lever. Sure, you will get a lot of Nos, but eventually that slot machine will light up and a prize will spill out into the tray below. It takes only 5 minutes to win a few quarters in a casino. So how valued do you expect to be, and how well do you think you will be treated when a complete stranger can get a date with you?

I’m not the smartest person in this forum, but I figured this out almost immediately. I was basically giving an opportunity to really low quality males to have an hour with me, and that felt absolutely gross.

What bothers me is that today, men have to do almost no work at all to score a date. What bothers me even more is that they get to date women who are 20 times out of their league, and the women don’t even know it. Why don’t they know it? Because they are busy playing digital pinball with players who are just looking to score the highest points. And then they wonder why this gamer doesn’t treat them well, and doesn’t act like he values them? You want respect from somebody who pulled a lever to get you?

Some women say that Bumble is so much better because women get to choose. But how is Bumble better? You get exactly the same cads listed on all the services, and they get to be even more passive on Bumble? All they have to do is create a listing then wait for you to choose them. Sooner or later a beautiful woman way out of his league will land in his lap.

Yes, this is a rant. I know so many brilliant women. I am lucky to know women who are extremely accomplished, educated, worldly, sophisticated, fearless, competent, rational, but when it comes to dating they compete for the smallest, most emotionally retarded males. Half of these guys would be finding dates in dark alleys if they didn’t have access to Tinder. Many of them ARE those guys who could not even get a date. Why are we giving them our time on dating apps?

We have to value ourselves more. So much more that we don’t have to compete for digital dates with drones who are just clicking our buttons. We also have to value ourselves so much to realize that being treated like a number is demeaning. We have to realize that we are being treated poorly because we give men every opportunity to have the advantage. Rather than withdraw, set some standards, cultivate real relationships we choose to compete for players on their terms. How do you expect to be treated like a valued human being when you are allowing access to everybody who can view your profile?

A lot of women claim to be rare, exceptional, one of a kind “goddesses”, but how are you rare if anybody can have your time? How are you rare if anybody can click you? How are you rare when he can order you online faster than he can order a pizza? Surplus pizza gets shared with the dogs, it’s discarded with the uneaten crusts in the garbage because pizza is that cheap. Anyone can get another one delivered in less than an hour. You alone are choosing to make yourself that easy. You alone.

Why would a male treat you like a high-value woman if he can score 20 of you at the same time?

Women are much more likely to settle for a low-quality male when they believe that is all that is available. Imagine going on 20 dates and playing the same game with each player? “Do you like me, do you want me, do you want to see me again? Will you give me the decency of a phone call? Will you treat me respectfully? Will you juggle me with other women? How should I answer this text to make him want me more? I guess I can only wait to see if he eventually chooses me.” Are these questions demeaning to you? They sure sound that way to me.

Now, when she gets any common decency from one of these players, it seems like she scored something of value. She is much more likely to invest herself emotionally after she has found one who will play the game a bit longer. He looks promising, so she disregards that the male has a lot going against him, she is more likely to ignore the red flags because hey, at least he’s participating. Do  you see how easy it is for even the smartest women to get wrapped up into playing with low-quality males?  I even heard from a woman who dated a male she suspected was homeless or had no place to live, because he was hell-bent on making this work with her. Come on ladies, do you really have to consider every frog in the pond?

Ladies, you choose what you participate in. I am not saying don’t date online, but you certainly can’t expect to be treated like a real woman by some pigeon who pulled a lever to get a pellet. If there are no qualifications needed to score a date with you other than to click a button, then why are you surprised when you get deleted just as fast? If he can order you online, he can cancel you in a split second. You choose to participate in this game. It’s totally up to you.

S

This morning’s post by Que Jones made me smile. Beautiful picture of her glowing, and she states: “I like me”. I like this lady too.

I am out of town, stuck in a remote area with nothing much to do, so I spent the last week liking me. You know what, as much as I learned to love myself, having nothing to do, made me realize how much I truly like myself. What am I doing here? Laying in grass, barefoot, kissing the sun all day. It kisses me back- not kidding.

Sometimes, I forget to like myself. Life keeps me busy, I get distracted easily, I focus into things that are less important than loving life, loving me. Que Jones’s post this morning was a great reminder to start the morning, smiling at me.

A friend asked me a few months ago, how do I stay so positive (despite my bouts of panic attacks and anxiety), and I told her that I work on me every single day. It is a full time job, but I love my job. My task of appreciating me is the most passionate job I have. Like you, I have a career, hobbies, causes, board work, and a coupe of organizations I run. But, my job of loving me tops any task I have to perform any day.

It really is a great pleasure to love me. Try it, it will give you pleasure too. If you live alone, you’re in luck because without any distractions, you can focus onto yourself, your reflection in the mirror, your hot cup of tea, the silence, the rain fall and feel as if it all appreciates and loves you. Yes, you know how your cup of coffee loves you like nobody else can. Feel the love.

I love to meditate and I wish you all would too, but if you can’t, I understand. Loving you is a meditation without having to close your eyes and be still. Love the image in the mirror. Yes, that unshowered, crusty eyed, greasy haired you. Smile at her, laugh with her, who else could look so sexy in plaid, wrinkled pajamas better than you? Nobody.

Give yourself a hug every day. Learn to appreciate that hug from your soul to you. It feels better than anything to love yourself.

Last night I watched a few videos on Youtube. There were segments on cool female social media influencers and their lifestyles. I watched with great pleasure. What makes these young women so successful, so interesting, so alluring? They never stated this in the videos, but each one looked as if she loves her life, she loves all her passions, as if she is in love with herself. Each was self-possesed, so passionate about every little thing she did, that I said to myself Wow. No wonder each has millions of followers. People love people who love themselves authentically. There was nothing superficial about these women. They ignored their critics, they invested in themselves, but each worked on self-development. You might think that an influencer is a superficial job, but outside of their online presence, each woman was heavily invested in her personal growth, her spirituality, her journey. And each knew that she will be even better, when her career in social media expires. These young women are moguls, investing in building personal empires.

People who love themselves are magnetic. We are all drawn to them. They are a cure for whatever ails us.I practice managing my energy every day. The one thing I noticed is that when I am in that energetic state of love for my Self, my appreciation for every little thing I’ve got, awesome people, animals, are drawn to me.Men won’t leave me alone.

But on days when I slack off, and forget to adore myself, I get quite a different reaction from people and animals.

If you have a hard time liking yourself, don’t be discouraged. It took me some time to get comfortable with it. I come from two cultures, where women who like themselves, adore themselves, and are confident are called rude names. I am not a narcissist just because I like, love and adore myself.and neither are you.

Each day practice finding things to appreciate about your body, your soul, your life, even when you can’t think of something to like. Start with things that are easier to like, your sense of humour, your little finger if you can’t find anything else. As you learn to love that, expand into loving those aspects of yourself no one notices, those aspects even you didn’t like. It is amazing how my perspective shifted once I saw the beauty in my unacceptable flaws. Then I fell in love with those aspects of me that others always criticized and judged. That was the most powerful experience of all because suddenly their words could no longer hurt me. Imagine how powerless your critics would be if you stood there in your glory, appreciating all those flaws they couldn’t tolerate in you.

The biggest criticism I ever received was for my big mouth, my direct communication which tended to offend some male coworkers. I honestly don’t know how to express myself more softly in a way that does not threaten men. The biggest mistake I ever made was to try. Imagine what happened when I decided to appreciate my directness, my reasoning skills, to like me exactly as I already am. I fell in love with those brick they threw at me. Immediately I felt more powerful, more happy, more in love with exactly who I am. And almost immediately my critics became powerless. Who would dare judge a woman who knows with absolute certainty who she is, how much she appreciates herself, how powerfully she exudes love for herself?

Yes, in those high states of self-appreciation, everybody appreciates me too.

There is no shame in being in love with ourselves first. If we can’t love ourselves, how can we love other people authentically? If people doubt your love, if they don’t need it, it is because they feel that the energy you exude toward yourself is weak. Love yourself powerfully.

Love is a magnet. The energy of love is intoxicating. We are all drawn to it. The mistake we make is chasing people with our love, which is perceived as a lack of respect for the self. Draw your energy inward. The more you practice falling in love with yourself, the more other people will too. I guarantee it.

S

How many times do you check if someone likes you, or is interested in you? When someone isn’t responding to your calls or texts, how many more times would you call or text? Granted, the other person should be more clear and state that they aren’t into you, but if they don’t, how many times would you keep checking?

We had many conversations here about ghosting, and I seem to be the one who disagrees with popular opinion. I think ghosting is normal, unkind, but a clear way to show someone I’m not into you. Before the digital age, we would just let the phone ring, or unplug it, and the answering machine. Right or wrong, ghosting happens frequently.

Some people just don’t want to talk to you. Some people just don’t want you in their lives. Some people don’t even notice you. The point of this post is what do You do when someone shows you lack of interest? Do you keep calling? Do you keep checking if they maybe forgot that you exist?

“Ummm,…..Just checking if maybe you forgot we met at such at such and such party, and it seemed like we had a connection…..”

Honestly, if there really was a true connection, both people would be equally interested. Yes, it takes equal interest from both parties before a connection is even possible. If there truly was a real connection, you wouldn’t have to keep checking if the person maybe forgot to call you back. This goes for all relationships, romantic ones, friendships and professional. If somebody isn’t calling you back, it is because they don’t have any interest.

Next question: How many different methods of contact would you use before you stop trying? Call once, direct message once, Instagram once, text once, then try email, because you never know, maybe he lost his phone? Would you exhaust all methods of contact before you realize this person may be blowing you off?

When someone doesn’t reply it is a clear indicator of how much they are into you. Sure, there are both men and women who play texting games. They don’t reply immediately to appear too busy, then they are frustrated and dismayed when somebody won’t give them a clear and honest answer.

Here is my take. I have a lot of respect for myself. I trust myself, I like myself, I honor myself, therefore I will never beg for anyone’s attention. I won’t ask for your attention more than once. Go ahead, test me. Don’t call me back, and see what happens. Nothing. I respect myself too much to keep searching for signals when one is right in front of my nose. I also don’t fall apart, because it really is okay when somebody isn’t into me. I brush it off, I move on, I am grown up like that.

That said, we all have a trusted circle of friends and family. We know each other so well, that if a call is missed, a text left unanswered, our relationship isn’t threatened. Why? The trust has long been established. I have 2 family members, and a inner circle of vetted friends. We are good. No testing required.

But I also have a huge network of social connections, acquaintances, party people, professional network, and starving men. who are constantly asking for my time and attention. Not all of them qualify for my time. I appreciate seeing them once in a while, but the reason they are on the outer edges of my attention span is because I took me many years to learn how to filter, enforce my boundaries, and discern who should be in, who should be out. So, assuming that you like somebody, and would like to get to know them better, how many times would you try to get in?

People who keep calling over and over again, are actually broadcasting something very important about themselves to those who aren’t interested. They are sending out a signal, that the other is clearly picking up, and choosing not to engage with. What is that?

We all have that friend who calls and leaves a dozen voice-mails. Actually, I don’t any more, but I used to. We all have a few guys who keep reaching out over and over even though there is no chance at all. You may or may not have explained in words, hey, I’m not into you, but he still keeps trying anyway. Why? What signal are they sending you as they keep checking, do you like me now?

That signal is: I am not self aware. I am not aware when I am behaving in a way that is disrespectful to me. I am not loyal to myself, because your loyalty, attention and interest are more important to me. I have no self respect, I will keep calling even when I don’t get a reply. I choose to ignore other people’s disinterest, because it doesn’t feel good to me. As long as I keep trying, I feel like there is a chance to win them over, so it is easier to keep working on them, rather than work on myself. I am desperate, I am lonely, I don’t like myself as much as I like you.

What else are they projecting? They are projecting: I don’t care if you are irritated, I don’t care if I am annoying you, I don’t care how I appear in your eyes, I don’t care how you feel. A person with no self-respect, has no ability to respect you. When people show you who they really are, believe them.

In the past, I actually used to engage with such people, because I was nice. And as all nice girls, I would get bulldozed into roadkill by people like this. They thrive or they feast on others. When I used to ask them why they won’t stop calling me, almost all of them explained that they saw in me something that I could do or be for them. You are so smart, you could teach me, you could help me, you could save me, you could be for me what I am not for myself. You are not like the others, you are loyal. Yes, I am loyal to myself and those few people who have earned my trust, but I couldn’t possibly be loyal to someone who has no self-respect. Absolutely not.

Do you have someone in your life who just won’t go away? What are they projecting about themselves? What signal are they sending that turns you off? How many unanswered calls or texts did it take before you realized I don’t want this person? How many times did you ignore the message before your realized, this person is just going to be calling until I blatantly tell them to go away?

The reason I ask is to make us all think. Am I doing this to other people? Am I texting men well past the point where they have shown me no interest? How many messages do I leave for other people? When people ignore me, do I start trying to fix things, do I get triggered into chasing, do I want them even more? What am I projecting to other people when I behave this way? Am I projecting desperation, the need for approval, loneliness, a gaping hole within me that I am trying to fill through other people?

We all need to be aware of the signals we are sending out. Self-aware women possess the ability to gauge their own behavior, question it, even judge it to be unhealthy, then shift their focus into fixing themselves. Men and women who are not self-aware, tend to ignore that inner alarm that warns them to not call for the 10th time. They really don’t know what is wrong with that. If you ask them why are you still trying with this person, their answer usually points to how this person could satisfy them. They actually have no ability to gauge whether this other person likes them, wants them or is interested in them. They really don’t care. They are more concerned with having this person, than they are with themselves. This shows lack of empathy.

We have all been rejected in the past. Rejection is a normal part of life. How we handle rejection says a lot about who we are as adults. Some people are more self-aware than others, and they know that chasing anyone who doesn’t want them is demeaning. And other people have no inner compass. They lack the ability to look at themselves objectively, they actually cannot see themselves as they truly are.

To me personally, self-awareness is the most valuable quality I look for in the other person. Is he or she self-aware enough to discern when they are doing something wrong? Is he self-aware enough to notice when he is hurting me? Does he notice, or do I have to cry and scream before he knows he is doing something wrong? Is she self-aware enough to understand when she has crossed my boundaries, or do we have to argue about it many times before she will stop trying? Is she self-aware enough to apologize and correct her behavior, or does she need to be told that an apology is needed before she takes any action? Self-awareness and empathy go hand in hand. When you are aware of your self, you have the ability to see how other people feel as a result of your behavior.

That person who keeps calling 10 times, actually has no desire to read your signal. They have no ability to check themselves. Their need for your attention, approval, your interest exceeds their acknowledgement that maybe they are annoying you, maybe you don’t like them.

We all do this some time. All humans are more likely to seek attention of those who show little to no interest. In fact, a lot of slimy dating books teach men and women exactly that. Never appear to be eager, interested, available, never answer that text on time, delay it, etc. The reason this bad advice seems standard is because it works.

But if you are a healthy woman who does not want to trigger men into chasing, and wants to relate to all humans on a healthy level, you have to be aware of your own behavior and your goal should always be to heal yourself enough to act form a place of self-respect.

Why somebody won’t call you back is obvious. They are not into you. That’s the one and only truthful answer.

But of you are pursuing people who refuse to reach out, if you are calling people multiple times in a row and getting no answer, sit down with yourself. If you lack the ability to see what is wrong with that, if you lack the ability to connect with yourself and answer those uncomfortable questions, please get help from a qualified professional. Your friends and women you admire are not qualified to fix you. I am not qualified to help you.

If people are ignoring you, it is probably because you are ignoring yourself. If people refuse to connect to you, it is because you are not connected to yourself. They have all the evidence they need of who you are as a person. In fact, your 12 unanswered phone calls are that clear projection of what is going on inside you. You may not be aware of that, but they are.

How many unanswered messages are you willing to send out?

S

FEAR. Everybody knows how awful it feels. What if you have an ongoing, long-term fear, an anxiety, or an automatic negative feeling triggered by external circumstance? How to deal with it mindfully?

This post is not for everyone, but I am throwing it out there for those of you who are starting to get in touch with your inner self, raising awareness of your inner world, and are starting to practice managing negative energies which you feel inside your own body and mind.

Rather than go into details of the long-term effects of holding fear based energies and thoughts inside you, I would like to address how to manage that energy or feeling, and help it dissipate.

I have been dealing with anxiety since childhood, and in my early 30’s it culminated in an unfortunate outburst in the office, which involved the HR department, the legal team, and a strong recommendation that I speak with a therapist Long story short, rather than prescribe meds too treat my anxiety, a smart doc referred me to meditation, and I have been meditating for 18 years. I can’t teach you to mediate in a blog post, but those of you who are in tune to your internal energies will know what I am talking about.

Fear, anxiety and automatic negative thoughts can be debilitating, especially when you allow them to spin your mind out of control. I know first hand how damaging this can be to your job, your relationships and your family, when you are a pressure cooker waiting to explode. So here is my best explanation on how to manage fear and anxiety.

ACCEPTANCE. Don’t try to fight it, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there, or force yourself into positivity when you feel the presence of anxiety inside you. Accept the fact that you are anxious or fearful right now, then do your best to relax with it.

AWARENESS. Remain in awareness of that bad feeling and pay attention at all times to where it is within your body. If it is in the pit of your stomach, your heart or throat, stay aware of its presence inside you. If you know how to manage its movement, do not allow fear or anxiety to rise up to your mind. Keep it below your throat chakra. Again, do not force it down. Forcing anything will have the opposite effect and you will explode. Your awareness is an important tool and you can shift your awareness into a lower part of your body and the fear energy will move there. The goal is to keep your mind clear of that energy, and awareness of it will make it flow south (away from your head). The reason you shift your attention to your lower extremities is to prevent fear, anxiety or negativity from rising into your mind. If you have ever had an anxiety attack you know that this is where it can really do some damage. It can lead to mental paralysis, or a complete meltdown. You can really damage your external world by allowing that energy into your head (where it becomes a part of your reality).

Using your awareness, fist shift your focus lower and lower to move the energy down toward your belly. It’s a very powerful and stabilizing feeling to realize that you can move feelings around your body, and that you have the ability to separate your mind and body from it. In that awareness, you can see how you have willfully kept that energy away from your brain. Now you see you can move mountains!

Fear is just a feeling. The more you practice managing it, moving it, and staying aware of it, the more powerful you are over it. You realize that you have the choice whether to feel it (Fear can be a useful tool). You can allow it to take over your body and mind, or you can gently and mindfully separate from it.

Now that it is sitting comfortably in your belly you can observe the feeling of fear. Your observation may be enough to make it dissipate. Here it gets more complicated. It depends on how you observe fear. Some people amplify it and others dissolve fear through observation.

If you observe the feeling in a detached way (you are not emotional about that fear, you are not a victim of it, you are a disinterested bystander), if you are passive, the feeling of fear will subside. But if you watch fear actively, get involved with it, get emotional about it, you start to identify with it, and pretty soon you notice that fear expands within your body.

The only thing there is to fear is fear itself.

Read it again. Fearing fear is one of the quickest ways to amplify it, and explode in it. Many of us who have been dealing with anxiety, fear fear because we know how quickly it can overtake our body and mind. Once we start having fearful thoughts our entire reality becomes altered. Those things that no one finds threatening are the end of the world to us, and we can make some awful, truly damaging decisions in that mental place.

Fear is just a feeling, that you choose to feel then identify with it. You can become a very powerful manager of fear, when you mindfully observe it, then direct it away from your head, and separate from it.

A couple of nights ago, I had what most people would find a terrifying experience. I was almost assaulted on the street near my home. Except, I knew how to manage my fear and direct it elsewhere. As soon s I understood that I am in danger, I decided to manage it, my mind and my response. Rather than allow fear to take over, I stayed calm, searched my pockets for anything I could use as a weapon, and chose my response. Long story short, I would have been a statistic had I not scared the crap out of my attacker. He tried to attack me 3 times (it took that long to get home), and each time he ran away from me because I was more threatening to him, I felt so powerful, so in control, so confident that I knew that no matter what happens to me I will be okay. No matter what. I can honestly say this guy was more afraid of me than I ever was afraid of him. I mean that.

I got away, I had a mini meltdown and spent some time acknowledging my feelings. They are okay. I decided how I am going to feel about this incident. Yes, I set an intention about how I will eventually feel, it took me 24 hours and then I slowly moved into relief that I got away. I commended myself on how I handled it, I accepted the anger, fear and anxiety inside me, but minute by minute I was starting to feel a little better by focusing on what I did right, being grateful that I can stay focused and in control, and slowly I felt better, and better, and better. Today I feel really good.

INTENTION is the third step in directing your fear and anxiety. When I first became aware I was in danger, I set an intention that no matter what happens I will be okay. I will remain level headed, I will be calm and in control, and I will be okay. Intention is something you keep making every step of the way. Once I got away, I set another intention that I will accept the incident, that I will process it in my own time, that I will not be a victim, that I will not hate people, that I will not fear people, that I will not identify with this trauma. I set the intention that I will release it, and that I will still love all people anyway.

For a brief moment I thought about buying a weapon. Then I realized that is a fear based decision. I have never lived in fear. I love my city, I walk freely at night, I am never afraid. Having a weapon will make me aware of danger, make me mistrust people. I wont do that. My first instinct was to call my friends and cry about it. Nope. I won’t spread fear to them, I wont take a chance that one of them will make me feel like a victim, and convince me that the world is scary and that people are bad. This is one scary incident out of my 48 years on this earth, I am not going there.

Intention gives you a choice. You set intentions before bad things happen. They are just a light that shines to point the direction for you to go. You also set intentions as bad things are happening. They are your next step, and your next step, and your next step.

If you have anxiety issues like I do I set my intention every morning to get past it, to do whatever it takes to calm myself, to detach, to mindfully remove it from my body, and always to keep the energy of anxiety and fear out of my head space where it can really do major damage to others as well.

Fear, anxiety, and automatic negative thoughts can be managed mindfully. You coddle them with your awareness. This is why it is so important to be focused internally, so that you can recognize bad feelings, acknowledge them, and work with them. You can do nothing about them if you believe that bad things are happening to you and that you are just an innocent bystander. You can do nothing about them with a victim mentality.

You can manage them effectively by making friends with them. Now I see that fear is just a feeling I was afraid of all my life. That uncontrolled, unaddressed feeling lead to anxiety, which wreaked havoc on my life for many years. Now I know how to manage my mind-body connection, choose how I will feel, then coddle those bad energies into submission. Your mind is a powerful tool. Go inward, get in touch with all aspects of yourself, then learn how to manage those energies inside you.

S

“If it’s free, it’s for me”. You have heard the expression. Some women can totally identify with the statement, while others find free stuff cheap, distasteful, and are offended by freebies. Why?

In business school, we learned “When something is free, you’re not the customer, you’re the product.” If you fill out a form to receive a free e-Book, you trade personal data for that free book which is then sold. I once won a free vacation, only later I learned that I unwittingly qualified for a 7-day sales pitch at a time-share.

Are you for sale? Take some time to think about that. How easily can I buy your attention, loyalty, agreement, support? Could a man buy that?

Don’t be offended, there is a lot you can learn here by being honest with yourself. The reason I bring up this topic is that I see that so many women sell their smile, congeniality, agreement in exchange for approval, free dinner, a business opportunity, an open door. And later, when they see the price tag of that free lunch, they are offended. What do you mean you expect sex in exchange dinner at a fancy restaurant? We never agreed to that?

We often find ourselves in uncomfortable situations with men who think that something they offer is a trade for something they want in return.

To some women this is even normal. In some cultures, dating and relationships are all about what the man can do, and women are expected to let him make a show of all that he has to offer, and in exchange shower him with attention and validation. They are comfortable trading a few hours of their time for whatever they get in return, dinner, a Chanel bag, etc.

But, nothing in life is free. And if you are willing to trade with men, don’t be offended nor surprised when they perceive you as “for sale”. A lot of guys are guilty of extending generous offers and playing “let’s make a deal” with women, but those same, generous males have no respect for the same women who accepted the offer. You’ve seen it happen before, he treats her lavishly for a few weeks, then accuses her of being a gold digger a week later, then trades her for a newer model. Why? No one can make a trade with you until you say yes.

Even when a guy is not douchey, yes, even quality guys look for signs that a woman is for sale. I know a lot of really good guys, and often interview them. They have been burned by women who expected to be treated lavishly, but she disappeared when it came time to have sex. Why? It is quite common for men to experience women like that, so they take great time and effort to screen out those who are for sale. Quality guys don’t respect women like that, and so they observe how much she takes, and how much she gives back or reciprocates.

Some women see nothing wrong with this. They confuse this “trade” with having high expectations. They think that expensive dinners, lavish gifts and prizes are just signs that a male respects them, values them, and is serious about them. But then they are surprised to find out that he can afford to buy the attention of three women at the same time, that he can afford to disrespect all of them, that he can afford to string them along, that he can afford to use them as validation, that he can afford to use them to boost his ego, and that he can afford to dump them because he owns their time and attention. Are those truly high standards?

This scenario goes both ways. It has happened to my successful female friends that men offer their body or loyalty in exchange for financial support. One minute they can’t be bothered to commit, the next minute he sees her tax return, and immediately wants a baby. Men think I have money, so it is quite common for me to receive commitment the minute they see my watch, my home, my car. Men can be gold diggers too, and they are far more common than anyone realizes/

When you were a child, did you mom teach you to not take free candy from strangers? Why did she teach you never to do that? What happens when you take the candy?

When you were a kid, did your mom teach you not accept a free ride from a stranger? Why did she teach you that? What happens when you accept that free ride?

I am not telling you not to go on dates, or trying to scare you about men. I am asking you to think long and hard about the terms of the offer before you say yes. What are you saying yes to? What exactly is being offered? What are his expectations? Most importantly, do you appreciate this person or are you sticking around to see what you get?

A guy asks you out, and he is of no interest to you whatsoever. Either you don’t find him attractive, or he is not your type, whatever the reason, you said no. He then sweetens the deal and tells you that he will take you to the best restaurant in town, and it’s all on him. Now do you say yes? Why? If you weren’t into him before he offered a lavish dinner, what makes you interested now?

I know a few very successful women who will compromise, and go out with anyone who offers something lavish because hey, it’s a free. What’s the harm in trading an hour of her time, in exchange for a five star meal? They keep accepting offers simply because he is giving away something for free. After three dates he expects sex, he has invested enough money. But, now she is not into him, and politely declines. Things quickly get ugly. He gave enough, in fact he gave a lot. Dates aren’t supposed to be about money, but they are about expectations.

Have you ever been that woman who keeps giving, giving, giving herself, and gets nothing in return from men? Now you know how it feels to buy, buy, buy, and get nothing in return.

I am not defending slimy men here. I am pointing out that we all have expectations that we don’t discuss up front. Our expectations are usually implied, we go through with the dates, and when one of the people gets nothing in return, one of them will surely feel cheated. One person will be accused of taking advantage, while the other will feel cheated out of money or time.

When we don’t want the man, but accept the free dinner, free vacation, free gifts, we are cheating both of us. You are not just making a bad deal with the guy, you are selling yourself out too. How does it feel to sell your attention or your time in exchange for food?

Personally, I only accept the date if I am genuinely interested in the man. I may not know him well, but I have to genuinely want to know him. If I don’t, I don’t let him buy my time. My time or attention are not for sale.

Sure, some guys get annoyed that no matter how much they try to sweeten the deal, I still say no thank you. There is nothing they can do to get time with me, unless I want to share my time with them. I have learned the hard way, that there is nothing to gain from trading my time. In the end, what is truly on offer is the guy, and if I am not attracted to him, no amount of money or expensive dinners will make him attractive.

If you keep making bad deals with men, stop and think, why are you making a deal at all? If the point of the date is to get to know a compatible human being, or to find a true connection, then why fall for a deal? If he is not enough all by himself, why did you let him keep increasing his offer?

No one can make a deal with you unless you say yes. No one can buy your attention or time, unless you accept money, gifts, free stuff. That is on you. In the end, you didn’t fall for the man, you fell for the free gifts, free vacations, false promises. I don’t feel sorry for women like that at all. Women often accuse guys like that of being users. But who is using whom?

You say you want true love, but you keep falling in love with what someone is giving you. You say you want a genuine man, but how genuine are you?

We all want to be treated well. I do to. There were relationships with men whom I truly respected, and I did receive nice gifts. But I reciprocated with equal gifts in return. No one bought expensive stuff until the relationship was healthy, committed, balanced, and trust was established. The gifts were never necessary, the love would have been enough.

Why not evaluate men for the love they give? Instead of measuring their gifts, why not evaluate the human instead? You can’t see him for who he truly is when you are blinded by bling. you cannot truly evaluate the emotional connection nor his inner emotional health if you are adding Cartier, Chanel and Tiffany into the equation.

There are a lot of popular dating books out there that teach women to gauge his interest by how much he is spending. Keep in mind that a guy with more money can afford to string three women along with lavish gifts. This is bad advice.

If you truly want an emotional bond, then the only thing you have to love is his heart. If he has one. You also have to be genuine enough yourself, to not be for sale. You cannot be swayed by expensive dinners and bling, an honorable woman would not be impressed by that.

If you have made some bad deals with men in the past, it is because they saw a “for sale” sign on your forehead. Sorry, but you made a bad trade. You have to take responsibility for saying yes to bling, vacations, or whatever turns you on. You are a grown woman, and if males can buy your attention with free candy, then take a long time out, peel that “for sale” sign off you forehead, and rethink how you perceive men and relationships.

Karma makes sure that we all get what we deserve. If you keep trading, it is because you’re a trader of time, attention, affection, or love. Stop trading with males, and start relating to humans instead.

A Priceless Woman Has No Price Tag.

S

This morning a member of our private forum posted “If your presence doesn’t add value, your absence won’t make a difference.” How many people are trying to be present in your life? How many lives are you trying to be in?

Women are often offended when someone isn’t making an equal effort to be with us, but rather than get upset, this is a great situation to objectively gauge of what value you are to people and what value they bring to you.

Sure, it hurts. You really, really like someone, and they can’t be bothered to answer your call. You really, really, want to belong, but the group you admire rarely invites you out. You are a giver, and they only make an effort when they need something. We all have friends, lovers and family members who do this.

Ever since I learned to value myself more than anyone else, I no longer get upset. I understand that even if I make myself into the epitome of the ultimate woman, the Goddess, I will still not be a match to some people. I don’t even try. It was way too much pressure and disheartening to try to match myself to other people. I am happy with myself, with all that I have to offer, but I am also very happy with all that I don’t offer. There are a lot of things I don’t bring to the table, not because I am deficient or insecure, but because I now know which tables are worth dining at.

Today, I look at groups I once tried to belong to, and people whose lives I tried to join as less than. This isn’t because I am resentful, but because I know exactly how much I invested into myself. Today, it is okay if people don’t like me, don’t need me, don’t seek my company, and I am okay not accepting attention or company of people who have no value to me. If you want to be discerning, and create a life full of people and situations that are of value to you, then you have to accept that there will be others who won’t see any value in you. Don’t get upset, healthy people have strong boundaries and tighter filters. Rather than try to squeeze yourself through their filter, work on your own feelings and on increasing your own value.

What does “value” actually mean? What do you have to bring to the table? We have all seen relationships and group dynamics where one person has money, social status or a reputation, and people want to be with her because they perceive those qualities to be valuable. Is that value?? It can be, if both parties see a benefit to it. It’s a superficial relationship, and it can only last as long as both parties gain equally.

But if you are a humble human who wants to be appreciated for who you are, how do you build value in yourself and how do you get people to include you, and value your time and attention? What makes a woman valuable?

We all value ourselves and others by different metrics, and as superficial as some standards are, there are always people who will seek out those surface traits. I think that is okay. Some women invest a lot of time and effort into their physical appearance. As critical as I used to be of that, I see that the are highly sought after because of their amazing looks. Good for them. Others, are heavily invested in their careers or building their empires. I admire that, but as successful as some of my peers are, I still see them just as likely to get rejected in social or romantic situations. Why? Some of us seek to be well-rounded, and invest in our inner, emotional growth. We strive for balance, and still we are not enough for some people.

I think it is okay to not be enough for others, as long as we are enough for ourselves. When we are not enough, we will always feel rejected, inadequate, marginalized by social cliques. This is what we have to work on- how we feel about not being valued by others. But, I am perfectly okay and have fully accepted my own failures and shortcomings. I am no longer critical of that, because after I got over the bruises to my ego, I realized that some of my efforts and projects weren’t all that important to me.

I think it is crucial to become okay with all our flaws, our failures, areas of life where we didn’t meet our own expectations. But it is also extremely important to become okay with other people not valuing us enough. We all know how demoralizing it is to keep striving to meet other people’s standards and expectations, so why do we get angry when we don’t get accepted by them? If it truly is okay to not strive to belong, then why is it not okay to be rejected by people we try to belong with?

Become okay with rejection. Become okay with not being valued. Nobody can value you as much as you value yourself. I can’t possibly be all things to all people, so I am perfectly okay not being liked by everybody. In fact, I am disliked by many people. I no longer waste time pondering what I have done to disappoint them.

At any given time, there are usually 1-2 people in my life who give less to me, or try less to be with me than I try with them. I realized that this is how I drain myself. Yes, that pursuit of their attention or time drains me, but that is a choice I make all by myself.
Stop accusing people who don’t value you of not finding value in you. That is not their job. As long as you are resentful of not getting what you perceive as your fair share of their energy, you are hurting yourself by constantly measuring what is fair to you. You are measuring your own value against how other people perceive you and you will always fall short. Why should anyone value you more than you are of value to them?

When you truly value yourself, you are more aware of the imbalance within, and you seek to re-balance yourself. Rather than be resentful of that friend who never picks up the phone and rarely invites me, I ask myself why am I in so much need of attention of a person who sees little value in me? Don’t be afraid of the answer to that question. It will be unpleasant and you will not like it. But, that’s what balanced women do, they can face their own inadequacies and work on themselves. The ugly truth is that there are areas of my own life where I am still seeking approval of others. Sure, it is painful for this Goddess to admit that, but I am happy that I discovered this inadequacy right now through a friend, than to find out how inadequate I feel in a romantic relationship. That would be much more painful. This is something that I can repair easily by sitting with myself and my own emotions, and figuring out how to fulfill my own deficiency.

The reason that rejection happens is because your life experiences mirror your soul. You might think that people “make you feel inadequate”, but no one can make you feel anything. YOU feel inadequate within yourself and you are blaming other people who simply show you what is missing. You need to fill your own cracks, no one will value a leaky cup. All those experiences where you see that people don’t value you enough, are an opportunity to add value to yourself.

I have a ton of people in my life. Some value me more than others. I am okay with that. Some need me to the point that it drains me. I don’t value them at all, nor do I feel bad about ignoring them. Others need me for superficial reasons. There are plenty of superficial situations where its is fine to have superficial connections. I don’t invest much, but I don’t overthink it either. And then there are people who mirror me until I see within myself whatever I am accusing them of. These are valuable lessons where I get to see how I am pursuing people and situations who I think will fill some need, but it turns out this is a need I should fill for myself.

That quote “If your presence doesn’t add value, your absence won’t make a difference” is so true. Our egos would love to believe that they will be sorry when we are gone, but that’s just our own insecurity talking. If you bring no value, they will not regret you. The goal is not to hold resentment, but to accept the fact that you cannot bring value to everyone’s table, nor should you want to. It’s also a reminder that you may still be trying to be accepted or approved of, when instead you should be satisfied with all that you are, and all that you are not.

My point is, you will never be enough for everybody, you just have to be cool with that. If you are satisfied with yourself, you are enough. That’s all that maters.

S

Have you ever gone out on a date with someone you didn’t want romantically? Have you ever gone against your intuition? Have you ever allowed someone to twist your arm, or talk you into giving them time, when your intuition was screaming no? How did the date feel? How did it end? How did you feel after you cancelled your feelings and gave your time, attention and energy to someone you felt was not for you?

I bring this up because in the last ten days I spoke with a few women in our private forum  who felt awful going on a date. Many of you ladies are intuitive, and can feel the emotions or the state of being in another human. Many of you are a whole lot more intuitive than you think you are, but are ignoring your own intuition. Others feel guilty not giving a chance to those who keep asking us on dates. And many of you, have succumbed to peer pressure- yes, there is peer pressure when it comes to dating. It is when your friends insist that you give a nice guy a chance,  tell you that your high standards are unreasonable, that your intuition must be off because they know and like this guy.

A few of you have gone on dates and felt awful being there. Why? It is because you were cheating yourself? You are doing something that your mind and body are screaming NO, and you are negating your intuitive gift and doing the opposite. That is why the date feels like emotional torture.

It is wrong. It is very wrong to disrespect yourself this way. It is very wrong to allow other people’s feelings to dictate how you should feel about someone. It is extremely wrong to allow a man who has used tactics like mild manipulation, guilt or shame to get time with you. and it is wrong for friends to push men on you, or make you feel like you don’t know what is right for you.

But the real reason going on a date with someone you feel isn’t right is wrong is because you are cheating yourself. Have you noticed how contradicting your own feelings makes you feel? Those dates feel like physical, emotional, and mental torture. The guy might even be nice, but it is you who feels absolutely heinous about yourself? Why?

Most women could relate to how awful it would feel to have to get intimate or have sex with someone they find physically, emotionally, or personally unappealing. Every woman knows how disgusting it would feel too have a man forced upon her. So why do we feel guilty when we have to talk ourselves into going on a date, or to give a chance to someone our intuition is telling us is a big NO.? It feels awful because you are much more intuitive than you have allowed yourself to believe, and you are doing something that is repulsive to you. Your friends probably don’t understand why you cannot consider that date.

Honor yourself. You have a heart, a mind, a body and a soul, and you are dishonoring your entire being by not doing what is in your best interest. You would have no problem rejecting a toxic food, staying away from secondhand smoke, nor ingesting poison. Why do you allow yourself to ingest what automatically feels awful to you?

None of your friends know what this guy feels like to you. Most of them have not dated him, nor had to sleep with him. If they knew how your stomach gets twisted into knots at the thought of having to date him, they would never ask you to do that. We all know that “nice” does not qualify a man. Sure he is a great friend to them, but you are the one being asked to consider him in a way they are not.

So what happened when you went on a date, or gave a chance to a guy your intuition was telling you NO? In my experience, it always ended with a giant slap in my own face, and it was always well-deserved. I always felt gross, like I was doing something shitty to myself. Only, like many women, I believed that I am wrong, and that the guy, or the friends who talked me into him were right. I swear, I will never talk a friend into giving a man a chance, when only she knows who feels wrong to her.

For many years I did not believe in intuition. I am a very logical person, with all the logical diplomas that reject something that isn’t scientifically proven. All along, my mind and body were screaming at me, while I was forcing myself to accept people and ideas that felt absolutely wrong to me. And all along, I felt awful about myself. Why can’t I talk to that man? Every ounce of my being rejects him, but every well-meaning friend is telling me that I must be nice and give him consideration. Do people know how gross it feels?

I have stated many times in this forum, that intuitive women should date less, not more. Why? We have a gift. We can sense people, read them, feel them out very quickly. Other women must kiss a thousand frogs to find out much later that there is no prince hiding inside. We can sense that the frog is just a frog, and leave it alone. Some women have to go on a thousand dates, give everyone an equal chance, then feel deflated and spent later, when they put in so much work into getting to know him, when you intuitive ladies already know him. Know you are not wrong. Stop doubting yourself.

Please stop feeling guilty for having to say No. You are absolutely entitled to honoring your intuition, and honoring yourself. If dates feel disgusting to you, it is because you are ignoring red flags only your intuition picks up. Your friends can’t spot that, the guy feels fine to them. He may be within their level of consciousness, he may be on their level of emotional intelligence, he may meet their requirements but what difference does that make, when he is outside of your energetic or emotional range?

Intuitive people are very sensitive to feelings, emotions, and energies of others. I know that science does not support that assertion. That’s fine. You are not a science experiment, you are a conscious being with a gift. The more you ignore that gift, the more you dishonor yourself, and that’s why some dates feel awful to you.

Put your gift to good use, use it in your highest honor. There is nothing wrong with you for not being able to give every male a chance. This is something right. Please read this sentence again, and process it internally. Your inability to give chances to everyone, is your gift. You absolutely should use it to select the right people to surround yourself. You will see that all your relationships will change for the better when you acknowledge the utmost importance of being the most honoring to yourself first.

If you haven’t dated in a while, please don’t think there is something wrong with you. You already know that only some people feel good to you, and that compromising yourself is abusive to your heart and your mind. Trust your intuition.

If you are still doubting your intuition, but believe that your feelings may be right, please work on expanding and allowing your intuition. There are exercises, meditations, practices to help you open yourself up to your higher self.

If you are wondering why you still haven’t met the one, it is because you have still not recognized him. You may still be considering the possibility that you are wrong, you might be doubting your choices, you might still be allowing the toxic to seep into your life. You may be filled with self-doubt, you are not using your gift to see people as they truly are, you might be forcing yourself to consider those your intuition has already  rejected. You have a little more ways to go before you fully trust yourself.

Intuitive people date differently, and we select our partners differently. We don’t consider their resume, vital stats, nor how they look on paper. Instead we feel our way into relationships with people who are both right and wrong for us. We don’t need to take a long time to get to know someone, we know how people feel to us right away. I don’t need 3, 6, or 12 months to negotiate a relationship with a male I know right away. I can sense that there is nothing within him that matches what I feel strongly within me.  A non-intuitive woman may not realize even a year down the road that he has no feelings, nor that he may not be capable of emoting at all. She will find out later, in a painful way, what an intuitive woman has been able to feel all along. So, why is it wrong then to ignore what you feel, and give people chances to continue to convince you what they need you to believe? Goddess, trust yourself.

As long as I was doubting my intuition, dating felt like torture to me. I was negating my own feelings in favor of other people’s demands for my time. I felt like shit about myself dating men who insisted they were right, but felt totally wrong to me.

I date much less now, and I feel wonderful about that. I no longer give time, energy, consideration nor chances to people who feel wrong. I no longer feel conflicted between what I feel and what other people think is right. I am so in tune with myself, that I no longer entertain males I don’t feel for even 30 seconds. I know myself. I trust myself. That feels very empowering.

I don’t feel guilty trusting only my own instincts. Yes, I have a smart head on my shoulders and I am naturally a very logical person. When my logic tells me No, I believe my own reasoning mind.

What I don’t believe are other people. They can’t possibly know what is right only for me. The most painful regrets I have in life, are making decisions that are in other people’s interest and not mine. Yes, every date I had with a guy who twisted my arm into it felt like torture. Every date I allowed a friend to set me up on, was also awful. Why did I trust my friends more than myself?

Make peace with yourself. You are an intuitive being and you can only do what you feel is right for you. Any input that comes from outside of you, will feel wrong, and rightfully so. Stop feeling like you are doing something wrong. You are doing what many people cannot do for themselves. I am not criticizing non-intuitive women at all. We are all different. It makes no sense to twist an intuitive woman’s arm into ignoring what she feels.

Accept the fact that you will love and date differently than other men and women. That is perfectly okay. If you want to sharpen your intuition, then focus on making yourself 100% reliant on your own senses. My intuition has risen to about 95% mainly because I started trusting my own feelings. The improvements in my personal relationships in all areas of my life are massive. I am surrounded by much better people because I honored my own intuition about them. Sure, I make mistakes. You will too. But, once you know you have overestimated someone, you will not have a problem quickly correcting your mistake, and letting go of people who are not in your highest good. I make no apologies for that. Trust me you won’t either.

Goddess, know yourself, trust yourself, honor yourself.

S

WIN WITHOUT TRYING. Of course, you have to know your craft. Of course you have to have expertise in your line of work. If you are an athlete, of course you have to train. But, often when we are after something important, a job promotion, a medal, a license exam, even a man, we tend to work ourselves into a mental tizzy, and we compete for what we want instead of being our best selves. Winning without trying, winning while maintaining our dignity, means winning on our own merit, not because we are competing against others.

Winning without trying is an ancient Taoist concept. It is being calm, and level headed enough to not measure yourself against others, not see your object of desire as something to compete for, but simply being confident that you are enough. You are enough for that job promotion, you are enough for that medal, you are enough for that man- so enough that your enoughness does not warrant stooping low, playing games, trying to outdo other women, you are so enough that you know that even if you don’t get what you want you are more than enough anyway. You are so enough that you are probably better qualified for a higher position, a tougher race, a much more conscious man. When a woman who is enough doesn’t get what she wants, it is because she is worth more.

This is all a matter of your own mental state in the moment. When you feel that anxiety that your goal is out of reach, that your winning or losing is dependent on the correct words, that your credentials are a matter of perfection, that your man has better options than you, then of course you will feel the urge to compete against others, perhaps even manipulate the situation to give yourself a greater chance. In that moment, your mind is aware of your disadvantage, of all obstacles, and is in a state of not enoughness. You are aware of your own inequality.

If you were an employer who is interviewing candidates, who would seem most fit for the job? The one who is calm, confident, whose talent and intelligence speak for themselves, or the candidate who is nervous, anxious, in desperate need of the position?

If you are a woman who is filtering offers from multiple men, who would seem most fit for your company? That male who is making your phone ring 12 times a day, that desperado who is parking his sports car in front of your house, and repeating it’s make and model every time he has one minute of your time? Or, is it that man who asks you out only once, did not have to state anything to impress you, and seems cool if your answer is no?

People who are anxiously competing, relentlessly striving, standing on their heads to win are usually the ones who appear to have the lowest chances. They may be perfectly qualified, but they are projecting to their world their own awareness that they have a lot to lose if they don’t win, and their desperation.

So the Taoist concept of winning without trying states that you must be a master of your craft to be good at it, and yes you have to be qualified. Of course you have to work toward those qualifications. But, when we get into that mental state of urgency, desperation, competition, we start to sweat, question ourselves, doubt our abilities, and lose our alignment. We fall out of balance, we act out of fear of losing, we are more likely to do things that are undignified. This is how we lose our flow. But, when we play for fun, for the love of the sport, or for the love of our profession, we are unburdened by the possible consequences of not winning. In that free flow state, we are most likely to win with ease.

Being a winner is not about competing for anything at all. Being a winner is your awareness of being enough to qualify for whatever you want. It is confidence, it is dignity, it is self-awareness, it is love for yourself and for what you already have,

When you already ARE, there is no sense of urgency TO BE.

Picture this scene. A new designer handbag is being launched on the market, all the fashion magazines are talking about the latest IT bag, and all the fashionistas are drooling over it and coveting this prize. There are dozens of girls on the street below your office window, wearing flip-flops, waiting outside the store for hours, credit-cards ready in their hands. It may take them months to pay for this bag, but they all NEED it in order to win the game of who is the top fashion slave of the season. And then there is you, calmly observing this scene from your office window. There is no need to wait outside some store for hours, you have no intention of bursting through its doors and fighting hordes of girls for just a bag.

Instead, you stay cool, pick up your phone and dial the store. “Please send me that Birkin and have it delivered to my office this afternoon”.

Who is the real winner? Who already is in that winning mentality? Winning is not about competing against others, even when you are running a race. How fast others are running makes no difference. All that matters is how fast you can run, and that is a matter of your own training and athleticism. Trying means measuring your speed against others’. Winning means being the best runner.

So, the next time you think that you have to be the prettiest, sexiest, smartest, most engaging woman out there to win the attention of a male, please stop trying to be the winner. He is observing how many women are trying just for him, and they are playing a game of who can stroke his ego the best.

Being a Goddess means being aware of the self, your goodness, your elevation, your achievements, your radiance, your energy. your being. You receive everything with ease, when you maintain your flow, your lightheartedness, when you take your attention away from the race, when you remove all pressure from yourself.

There is no trying, when you already ARE.

S

If you are easily offended, you are easily manipulated. One of the slimiest tactics that toxic men employ is to try to point out a flaw that makes you feel uncomfortable, defensive, insecure. Of course, this is never blatant, but a very slight comment about your lack of choices, your body, your personality, your job, or prospects. I’ve seen girls fall for this tactic close to 100% of the time, because as soon as he says something that makes her feel insecure, she tries to fix it, or agrees with him “You’re right, there aren’t many men my age who want to get married, You’re right I’m a bit overweight because I indulge, You’re right, I work hard and don’t get paid enough”.

Most humans who are offended or uncomfortable will either attack back, or feel powerless because someone destabilized them emotionally. Women are conditioned to be nice and congenial with men even when the guy is offensive, so they try to please him rather than call him out. Or they take the demeaning comment in stride and walk away. Even worse, they try to fix themselves for his sake. Many women will go on a diet because some guy pointed out her muffin top. No matter what, she has swallowed his insult, and disempowered herself. What’s worse, she is now working on doing something that would make herself better in his eyes. Because the offense is subtle, many women would date the guy anyway “He probably didn’t mean that, He is right, I really can’t find a better man, I should give him a chance, He is right, I should loose a few pounds, it would be healthy for me”. What just happened? She swallowed his toxin and now she is spinning around his little finger. She is being manipulated.
I only know a few women who have the courage and the strength to look him straight in the eye, and mirror him back. Most women find standing up to a man, even offending him back terrifying. Do you?

But, if a toxic girlfriend offended you, would you take the bait, would she still be your friend? Would you try to get her approval by losing a few pounds? Depending on the situation, there are good ways to deal with a toxic person. Your best strategy is to recognize this behavior and do not engage. They are looking for your cooperation, your attention, your engagement, so if you are in a place where you cannot fight, disengage, disconnect and do not react emotionally. They are looking for an emotional reaction, your distress, a display of your insecurities- they feed on it, so do not give them that.

If you see he is surrounded by male friends, then his act is a performance for them. He wants to be perceived a ladies man, devastating for women, irresistible, and is probably showing off his skills to them. Again, the most powerful thing that you can do is demonstrate in front of them that he is powerless and unattractive to women. I mirror the guy back. I am not afraid of men at all, so I am very confident about exposing their insecurities and I am very good at arguing, so I know I won’t be cornered. I personally believe that males are far more insecure than women, their bad behavior is often described as manhood, machismo, and they get a gold star when they are acting from a toxic place. When I see that a guy engages women on such a low level, I know that his biggest fear is exposure, being rejected, or ignored by women. I don’t mind verbally mirroring him until his pisses his pants, but if you are not comfortable, then do not react, do not engage, but DO walk away. Your continued presence, congeniality and smile is being taken as proof of your interest. Yes, a lot of toxic people, take your politeness and presence as proof that their charm is working. You do not want to send him that signal.

What is worse, if you are easily offended, start crying, badly arguing for your self-worth, you are giving him more of what he wants. He sees his power on your face, he sees his effect on you, and you are still here. So you are getting manipulated into showing him evidence of his power. Regardless of how you respond, a toxic person will twist your behavior into something they want to believe. Oh, she can’t handle a compliment, I’m so devastating to women I can easily make them cry. Often a very subtle insult is followed by asking for her phone number, and it actually works. I normally date only models, but you’re so nice, why don’t I take you to dinner? First he cut her down to his size, now he is comfortable enough to ask her out.
If you are easily offended, please work on yourself. No, you absolutely do not have to take it, and pretend that you did not get offended. But if you are easily triggered and manipulated because you cannot control your emotions, you can easily get hurt. Anybody can push your buttons and get you to react in a way that benefits them.
I don’t get offended because I really like myself, and all my flaws. When a guy tries to push my buttons to find out what my insecurities are, I get stronger in front of him. Sometimes, if I am in a mood, I make him feel insecure with a smile on my face. Sherry, you put on a few pounds. I say, yes, I have been trying to gain a bit of wait all summer. I love myself curvy! It’s awesome, I’ve been getting more dates than ever! What about you, I see you got yourself a cute little potbelly?….

Guys who are looking for your insecurities are looking for tactics to bring you down to their level. They are already insecure, they just want you to feel it. By showing them how easy you are to emotionally manipulate, you are demonstrating how little your like yourself. You are a perfect doormat for a man who wants to feel he is in charge. You are handing over your power to him, and you are reacting on command. Being able to turn any tactic or any offense into a compliment or advantage for myself takes away his power, and I can enjoy having fun with it.

I am not crying, screaming or defending my honor, I am boldly having fun with the insults he throws at me. If you can’t do that, I understand. But you owe it to yourself to power up. That does not mean to defend yourself harder and louder, power means not reacting on command, not being easily triggered, and not trying to make nice and congenial with a guy who just crossed an important boundary you should have defended. If you let men cross the line, that is your choice. You have to be responsible for not enforcing your own boundaries.

If broken boundaries are a problem for you, it is YOUR problem. If being offended by others is a habit for you, it is YOUR problem. Other people won’t respect you more, until they see how much you respect yourself. Take the matter into your own hands, and get some help for that.

S

Got trust issues? It is understandable. We have all been hurt, and we all have trouble trusting. Some of us are tired of dating, men and relationships. Why put ourselves out there?

But who do you really have trouble trusting? The men, or yourself? Think about that. The world is full of people and situations which could potentially hurt us. If we don’t have solid trust in ourselves, in our ability to stand up for ourselves, defend our honor, protect our boundaries, say No, walk away without regret, then of course other people and relationships can be potentially harmful.

A lot of women claim they don’t trust men because they have experienced the pain of being cheated on. Weather a man or a boss or a friend cheats you is beyond your control. But you are not defenseless. Do you trust yourself to associate yourself with quality humans? Do you trust yourself to not fall into relationships or be sucked into them against your will? Do you trust yourself to enforce a boundary, stand up for yourself and firmly state this is not okay? Do you trust yourself to walk away in a split second the minute someone dishonors you? A lot of women would stay, and argue for their self-worth, try to fix the man, or lower their standards to protect the relationship. Is that you? Then you probably don’t trust yourself, and for a very good reason. You have a history of failing yourself.

The world is full of people who won’t honor you. They actually don’t have to. It is not their job. But how much do you trust yourself to honor yourself? Will you keep that job because you need the work more than you need your self-respect? What’s wrong with a little abusive or disrespectful behavior? The only thing that is wrong with it is you trying to accept it. What is wrong with that man crossing your boundaries over and over again? What is wrong is you trying to accommodate him. What is wrong with that person speaking in a tone that demeans you? It is you not walking away.

If your style is to walk away as a means to manipulate the other, just to see if they chase you, you are willing to play a game, and you are dishonoring yourself. You are proving you are willing to negotiate your honor away. But if you know with 100% certainty that you will always choose you and your self-respect no matter what, then you are bulletproof! You don’t have to worry what he will do, in fact no one can do anything to you when you are willing to treat yourself with utmost importance.

When you know that no matter what the situation, no matter how painful, you will always treat yourself with utmost respect, then trust is that you know you will always come up on top. You don’t have to fear men nor relationships. What can they possibly do to you? You will always come up a winner when you love yourself first. People will always treat you with respect when they see how much you respect yourself.
Sure, men will test you. Toxic friends and unhealthy coworkers will always test your boundaries. But, you don’t have to worry about that when you know that you are capable at defending them. Is that what you are afraid of? Are you afraid of saying no, making the other person feel bad, uncomfortable creating conflict, feeling ashamed for defending your rights? Then you don’t have enough trust for yourself.

Are you still afraid of losing people, lovers, relationships or friends? Your life lesson isn’t in learning how to appease your tormentor, your life lesson is in finding your personal power to act in your own best interest. If you doubt your ability to honor yourself in every situation, then your lack of trust is for yourself. And that inability to trust is well-earned. Only you possess the evidence of how little you are willing to do to show yourself honor. Your feelings of mistrust are quite accurate. No wonder you fear relationships, men, even a little fun- you know how easily you lose yourself. If that is you, again, you hold the key to transform yourself.

You can’t go through life avoiding relationships, fun, flings and only engage with people who swear to you they will never hurt you. No one can honestly promise you that. But you can embark on a journey to learn to trust in yourself.

How to trust yourself? Can you keep your word to yourself? Have you ever promised yourself that you will walk away, only to stay and negotiate your dignity away? Take baby steps. The first time I feared to stand up for myself, I shook like a leaf but I said No anyway. I got screamed at, but in that moment I realized that it is they who are screaming, angry that I have a little dignity to say No. It really wasn’t as scary as I imagined, so I started saying no, talking back, pushing, until I witnessed how uncomfortable men are when women stand firm in their power. Believe it or not, most men are terrified of powerful women. Their masculinity and their egos are tied to their ability to remain in control. They fear exposure, so most men will back off rather than risk being exposed. If you don’t believe me, try it.

This is something that I learned at a very young age. Bullies bully because most people are afraid to stand up to them. But when a bully is beaten up by a girl, he loses all his power and his masculinity. I learned to stand up to men at a very young age, and the only secret I have is trust in myself, that I won’t back down until I have taken back my power, and the certainty that most people we tend to fear are just bullies who are used to having their power handed to them with our fear. Nothing else.

I practice this on a regular basis. In the office, I challenge coworkers who cross boundaries, and I hold them accountable. I don’t pick fights, instead I politely but firmly explain that John, it is your job to hand in the project on time, not mine. What made you believe that I should take the time to edit your work? Just a tiny slap on the wrist. In a bar, when a guy is being disrespectful, I don’t show any discomfort, I turn the tables and show him his own insecurity. But every day, in every situation I show myself how much I trust myself to defend my boundary, not politely smile and let him get away with it.

I trust myself because I have never chosen a man over my dignity. I have never chosen a relationship over my respect. Yes, I am that woman who has NEVER stayed. My self-respect is non-negotiable. I don’t give anyone another opportunity to talk me into staying. This is how I demonstrate to myself 100% trust in myself.

When you trust yourself, you don’t have to worry so much if other people are trustworthy. By now I have been disappointed a thousand times. I am okay with it. All I have to know is that when I realize that I am being played, that I will act with 100% honor toward myself. I can walk away and slam the door is 3 seconds and trust myself to not look back in regret even once. Can you?

Healthy relationships aren’t always about other people. We can’t control others. Healthy relationships are about us, and trusting ourselves that we will easily let go of any person or situation that is not honoring to us, and having 100% trust in ourselves.

S

Stop Shrinking To Fit People. Have you ever made yourself smaller, so a man could feel more comfortable or masculine around you? What would happen if you didn’t shrink, but stood comfortably confident with your size, your “bigness:”, your success? Would he disapprove of you,try to topple you, or do something to make you feel smaller, so he could feel like a man? This happens to me all the time, but now I refuse to shrink. Instead I let them feel uncomfortable. It is a sign of who they are, it has nothing to do with me. Their discomfort is valuable information about who they are on the inside.

Aside from women shrinking to accommodate men, we also shrink to accommodate other people. We shrink in the workplace, so everyone feels comfortable around us. We are afraid to appear bossy, so we shrink to the level of people we are trying to manage, so they don’t feel threatened by us. We shrink to appear less threatening to other women, because we want to be liked, we want to fit in, and we brush our accomplishments under the carpet, so no one thinks we are greedy, overly ambitious, the haves in a world of have nots. We shrink to our parents, we shrink to toxic people who demand we respect their position, we even shrink to situations and relationships, hoping that they won’t change. Have you ever shrunk to prevent from losing someone or a group of people? You outgrow your friends, but you feel loyal to them So you are afraid to move on and spread your wings, because it feels warm and fuzzy in this crowded nest.

Life is about growth, We all have to spread our wings and fly at some point. But, most of us wait until we are kicked out f the nest, until circumstances no longer allow us to remain the same, until change becomes so inevitable, that the universe (or whatever power you believe in), comes in to sweep all that we know away, and force us into letting go, and moving on. We are all shrinking in some aspects of our lives, and it is probably those areas that will bring the most painful lessons.

You are not meant to be small, you are meant to grow, expand, take up more space, speak up, grow your confidence, so that you can inspire others. How could you be of service to others if you hide all the lessons you learned? How could you empower others, if you shy away from letting them see your power? What is there to learn from you? A lot of women automatically downplay their successes. But, I won’t judge you for being a super woman, I want to learn from you. If you can succeed, so can I. If you have a skill or a power that I am lacking, please teach me. Why are we afraid to be big? Why are we afraid to take up space? Why is that so offensive to some?

I keep mental score of who my friends are, and I see that all my girlfriends are highly, highly educated, experts in their fields, while others are super-motivated, entrepreneurial, for them money just pours into their lives. But, when I ask to talk about their successes, and some are silent moguls, nobody wants to talk, or proudly state I AM. Among the men in my friends circle, they too are smart, but they take up a lot of space, much more than they earned. In fact, they take up the space that women leave empty. In my office, men embellish what they do, continuously expand their roles, even when nobody changes their title. They are always talking more than they are actually doing. And you know what, people believe them. They eventually take those roles they have been talking about, simply because no one else went for it.

Are women really meant to be smaller? I don’t think so. This is our program, our social and cultural conditioning. But, I firmly believe that those who know themselves are Goddesses. Knowing yourself means being in total awareness of all your power, being proud of who you are, and taking up your well-deserved space. I see the discomfort a lot of women feel when a man is displeased with how much room she has taken. How dare she? There are names for women who think too highly of themselves. But, years ago I realized how much of my own power I gave away, shrinking to be less threatening to men. I seem to not threaten women at all, but I piss off men easily. Why? I refuse to shrink, I refuse to bow down, I refuse to accommodate their demands that I move, I never stroke their ego, I refuse to submit, I don’t budge. I have been practicing taking up space in two situations, around men who approach me in terms of dating, and around men in my office for about 7 years now. Here is what I found.

1. There are two kinds of men, the ones who are threatened, and the ones who are not. The threatened ones will judge me, call me names, try to make me feel uncomfortable, whine, wage war, try to destroy my career or reputation, sabotage my work., and are absolutely belligerent. I let them be that. By allowing them to be, everybody gets to see them. The non-threatened men, are highly attracted to me. They follow me around for years, they stick to me like magnets, they won’t leave me alone. I am not doing this to attract them, but I see that I get all of their respect. Some of these men have followed me to other countries, just to get a chance with me. I am comfortable being bigger than a lot of men. I never apologize for that.
2. If you get comfortable being bigger, and truly start to appreciate who you are, freely talk about your accomplishments, from an authentic and genuine place (not to gloat, but to share), you will free yourself from the fear of being judged and disapproved. That is a very powerful feeling. No one could make you feel smaller, when you proudly take up all the space that you have earned. They will test you, especially the men, but you won’t apologize for your space, nor will you give them an ego stroke, when they are demanding to be validated.
3. We all admire people who seem to be bigger than us. But a lot of big women aren’t comfortable being admired. They shrink to avoid the positive attention, as much to avoid the negative. You have to stop arguing for your smallness. Yes, in the workplace a lot of women refuse the spotlight even when they have earned it better than anyone else. I recently watched one of the brainiest consultants I know, refuse to get up on stage and be acknowledged for a $50 mil contract she secured, so a man took the mike, got up on stage, said three words to thank her, than took up the space that she refused to take. I felt cheated for her. I was looking forward to finally see one of the hardest working people I know finally get recognition, and she chose to keep sitting down. I even told her that I wish she proudly took up the space because I wanted to see her in it. I don’t mean to judge women, I know how hard it is to stand up and stand behind our own work, but I wish that more of us would stop being afraid of being the super women that we are. Instead we let the man lead the parade.
4. There are severe consequences to all of us for handing over our well-earned glory to people, or men who have not earned it. It is submission to something smaller than us. This is a form of self-disregard, lack or respect for the self, and we have to stop doing it to ourselves. Now one will give us power for being good little girls, we earn power and then we keep it. I don’t know where we learned that we earn power than give it away to other people so they could feel good about themselves.

How many years of my life did I waste building up the manhood of men who had none, so that they could feel like a man around me? I wrote a lot about that, so I won’t go into it here. But we are shoveling our power away, giving space to people trying to accommodate them, shrinking rather than being who we have grown into.

If you have anyone in your life who is disrespecting you, taking up more space than they earned, threatening, using you, or taking advantage in any way, it is because you have allowed them to believe they can. It doesn’t matter if this is a lover, a boss, or a parent. You are here to be powerful. There is no shame in being a powerful woman. There is shame in shoveling your Goddess power away. Take your space that you have earned. In fact, this is one of your purposes in life. You must know who you are, become comfortable with that, stop apologizing for it, and giving your power away. I know it is daunting to push people aside so you can take up all the space that you have earned. But you will never feel like a Goddess, unless you are comfortable and proud of all that you are.This is not something you do over night, but practice, practice, practice. What areas of your life do you feel powerless in? That is exactly where you begin.

S

“Anything that you resent and strongly react to in another is also in you.”– Eckhart Tolle

I have been looking for clues to the root cause of a couple of issues I still have to work on, and I could not figure out exactly what they are. I knew something doesn’t feel right within me, but no amount of meditating was exposing it. I know I have a few big internal blocks, and I falsely believed that they must be so deep that I just can’t reach that part of myself.

Then I came across the above quote by Eckhart Tolle (who I am proud to say has liked a few of my Goddess Instagram posts before).  That quote hit me like a ton of bricks, because it resonated so well. My blockages have not been buried so deep inside me that only a psychiatrist could chisel them out. They have been right in front of my eyes, literally, all along.

A while ago, a friend who was struggling emotionally was telling me about the multiple health conditions she has. As soon as she heals one with prescriptions or medical treatment, she is diagnosed with another autoimmune disease. By now, she has 3 diagnosed autoimmune diseases, going on four. I do to. What is autoimmune disease? The oversimplified definition is when the body attacks itself. Why would our own body, attack itself? It would not- a healthy body would not do that. A body’s purpose is to protect the self, to keep it healthy. But sometimes the body physically reacts to communicate with you that you are doing something wrong. What?

Though I wasn’t smart enough to see it within me, I was astute enough to ask my friend immediately, How have you been attacking yourself? It took her 3 seconds to give me an accurate, self-knowing reply. I fight with myself in my own head. I have repeating thoughts that I cannot shut off. I battle with myself to shut them off, but my mind is on auto-repeat, and yes, even though mentally and emotionally I seem to be fighting others, I am doing harm to myself. She knew herself.

I too have had very obvious battles in my head that I ascribed to my monkey-mind. I wrote about this before. Years of toxic relationships with toxic people are replaying in my head like a broken record. My brain never shuts up, unless I still it intentionally through meditation. But when I allow it to do what it wants, I am still fighting in my head with every “bad guy” I ever met. And yes, there are my favorite “bad-guys” who fit a certain stereotypical profile I won’t discuss here.

We all have a boogeyman, a “bad guy”, somebody who hurt us, destroyed us, sucked the life out of us. Many of us continue the battle long after the relationship is over, and the person is permanently out of our lives.  Many of us are completely aware of who we are battling with, but many of us are simply triggered by certain kinds of people, and we wonder why we have such an automatic and negative response to a seemingly benign person.

What is the harm of having a mental boogeyman, or having continued mental battles within yourself? You see, that anger and rage we feel inside us every time we bring up that injustice or person. Is a bad, negative energy. We might think we are expressing our anger and rage at them, but instead, we are feeling that emotion within us.  That person may or may not choose to accept our anger and digest it. If they are healthy, they will realize the anger is yours and they will choose not to engage with you. But, you are the owner of those bad emotions. You produce them on command any time someone triggers you. Those bad energies reside within your own body. You nurture them, you coddle them, and you spew them out without any thought of how you are hurting yourself. You might think your anger is directed at other people, but they are within you, and they are hurting you. Don’t be surprised if years after you have not dealt with them, you start to develop physical conditions that reflect how you feel about yourself. Your body is a reflection of who you are. If it is misbehaving, or not working correctly, it is physically reacting to your rage, anger, resentment, whatever you have that is not resolved.

This morning when I read that quote by Eckhart Tolle I realized exactly what I still resent in other people, and yes, I can admit that I still hold that resentment within myself. And as someone who is highly intuitive, I can feel exactly where in my body I carry that resentment. It is of no surprise that I feel the most discomfort, pain, and bad energy exactly where the X-rays show I need the most healing.

So, everyone has their own resentments, anger, pains, and we all carry it and project it onto others. It is normal for us to not want to see that, nor admit it, but if you genuinely want to know, look for answers in your own head. If you’re not that introspective, then ask people. Ask different kinds of people who are likely to tell you the truth, not sugar-coat it. Friend, you know me so well. Tell me honestly, what do you see within me? What is my problem, what issues do you think I have, do you see anger within me? And if that doesn’t work, find a good therapist. There is a very good reason that you are emotionally reactive. It is a clue about what you have to resolve within yourself.

If you don’t, you will continue to repeat relationship problems or life situations over and over again, and you will falsely believe that misfortune is happening to you, and you will fail to realize that you are creating it within yourself. So, who are you triggered by? Who do you hate, rage, attack within your own mind? You might be a nice and polite person, and never offend people verbally. Pay attention to who you are fighting with on the inside.  Again, there is no shame in doing so, but by resolving that, you are healing yourself, and moving on.

S

Here is a post for the more sensitive ladies in the group. Many of you meditate, many of you do yoga, many of you know how to take care of yourself, and many of you are aware of energy. Do you know how to protect your energy, how to ground yourself, how to seal yourself off, and how to remain sovereign and supreme in your own space? If you don’t, this post is for you.

If you don’t understand what I am talking about, ponder this for a minute. What would happen to a body physically, if a surgeon did not stitch the person up? If that incision remained open, what would happen to the patient and their personal wellbeing? Every one of you knows what would happen next. Germs would enter the body, an infection could happen, the person could get sicker, even die. So what happens to your energy field when you remain open, and forget to protect it?

Here is what I learned during my 15+ years of meditating. Meditating feels wonderful. It is a very healing practice, that makes us feel balanced, stable, positive, blissful, high on life, even powerful. It feels so good that most of us want to stay there for extended periods of time. More of you do yoga, and some describe the positive effects on your body as addictive. We all want to feel good, so we pursue the practices more.

But, there are also negative effects of meditation, yoga, or any practice that involves “opening up”. Some of you may have noticed that you have become much more sensitive to negative energies. You spend much of your time in that positive space, that the negative becomes much more noticeable, even unbearable. Many of you join groups to practice yoga or to meditate, and this is something I want to caution you about. The reason I advocate for solo practice in your own personal, clean, healthy space is because during your practice you open your energy field, you open yourself up to whatever energy is around you. When the practice is over, many of you forget to stitch yourself up, seal off your energy space. I used to forget to ground myself for years, and caused myself accidents, energy attacks, all kinds of things too weird to describe here.
Never practice yoga or meditation, nor any other practice that expands your energy field around other people. If you are sensitive, you know exactly what I am talking about. You are sharing energy with others, and if someone in that room is emotionally unhealthy you have no way of knowing it. Their energy will affect you, can even make you feel bad.

Recently, a friend who meditates on a regular basis experienced a breakup with a cheater. The man is toxic, and being highly sensitive to energy, makes it more difficult to end a bad relationship. Why? You can break up with a physical person, block them, never see them again. But that person’s energy is an imprint that can stay with you for a long time. In my opinion, energy is more toxic than any disease. You will be able to feel energy, long after the person is gone. Luckily, my friend understands this and knows what to do.

If you are sensitive to energy, you will have a harder time cutting off that connection. That means that you must take better care, before, during, and after relationships to deal with only healthy people.

One of the side effects of meditating for over a decade, is that my energy field has expanded. I am a magnet for people, especially for men. Don’t laugh, this is actually not a desired effect. Imagine meeting men for only a few minutes, but then be followed by them, pursued, stalked for years. My energy field is bright, and high. Often people feel intoxicated around me. Many unaware men automatically think that this means they are in love. The confuse their feelings with love, when in fact they just had a taste of what it feels like to be in a permanent state of bliss. Positive energy, or Goddess energy can be addictive, so be very careful who you share that with.

I can’t leave a grocery store without men following me out. This can be scary, if you don’t understand what to do about it. In 2017, there were three people sleeping on my lawn waiting for a chance to talk to me. A man was once waiting for me in front of my PO Box for a week, waiting to see me. Women get addicted to me too, desperately wanting to be my friend. Positive energy and bliss are intoxicating, it feels good to people, they want to feed on it. They want some of what you’ve got. But, things can get ugly if you don’t know how to seal it off.

It takes time to learn to seal off your energy space. It was a long process for me. In the mean time, if you are not quite sure of how to protect your energy, do what you need to do physically. I continue to unfriend or block people whose energy feels unhealthy to me. I shut of my attention to that person, I don’t let my thoughts or awareness to flow there. You may have to physically move away until you learn how to block energy.

A lot of women are eager to bond with someone. That desire for a deep bond exposes them in unhealthy ways. That need to bond can be so strong, that they fail to evaluate people, don’t screen men well, don’t take time to read all the signals, pay attention to see if this male has good intentions. Most women don’t even know what he wants, but are so eager to bond that they open up immediately. This is a hard and painful lesson I had to learn. Being cautious is not being hardened or distrustful of men. It means you are honoring yourself by taking time to learn whether the other is in your highest interest.
So, if you are sensitive to energy, or if you are just starting to notice physical and mental changes as you are learning to meditate, please study some techniques for grounding, sealing energy off, shifting attention, and if you are not good at that, open your mouth and just say NO. Yes, not allowing people into your personal space is sometimes the best way.

But, there are a lot of methods out there for grounding. You do this before and after yoga or meditation. Since I meditate a lot, I have to remind myself daily to do this frequently. It is a matter of pulling your energy back down into your physical body, and remaining more connected to the ground or earth. In addition, I shift my attention into the present, and make sure that all 5 of my senses, sight, sound, smell, touch and hearing are fully present by seeing things much more vividly in the now.
I also use my “sealed jar” technique. How would your senses perceive the now, if you were sitting inside a sealed container? Imagine that for a minute. Your senses would be impermeable, you’d be immune to any toxin outside the jar.

This is how I close up my energy. I practice sealing myself off when I am in a group of people, any place where there is tension, stress, aggression, even the subway 🙂
But most of all, you have to be aware of who is in your personal space. You have heard the term “my body is my temple”. It absolutely is. But you have to protect your temple, keep it clean, safe, healthy and honor it every day. How are you honoring yourself when you are not screening the men you share your temple with? Are they healthy? How do you know? What do people do inside a temple? They get down on their knees and worship. Do the men in your life worship you? Do they honor you? Do they revere you? Then why are they in your temple?

If you are aware of energy, even if that awareness is slowly growing, you are noticing that it is becoming a little harder to keep your energy aligned when other people enter your space. By no means am I telling you to kick people out, nor to be egotistical about your personal space. That will make you just as toxic.

Instead, practice techniques that make you impenetrable to bad energy. A lot of people see themselves as “empaths”- I don’t like that term. They see their awareness of energy as something special. Well, they are seeing themselves through their own ego. That’s not so special. Being a powerful woman means being impervious to bad energies, opinions, judgements of others. Are you impervious or do you fall apart when someone looks at you the wrong way?

Goddess Power is knowing how to remain balanced despite what everyone else is doing around you. The purpose of relationships is to teach you that. You will have many relationships in your life, but the most important lesson you can learn is how to remain in complete balance, how to remain supreme surrounded by people who are trying to push you out of balance.

So, do your daily yoga and meditation alone. If you need other people, study yourself and ask why? Whether you are doing yoga, meditating or if you are in a romantic relationship, your energy field is open. You may be trying to connect to someone. You may be experiencing negative effects of having an unpleasant energy in your space. Pay attention! This is your space, you are open, and you are laying there exposed.
The best lesson I learned on this meditation journey is how to ground myself, how to seal off my own energy, how to stitch myself up, how to not feel other people. Practice, practice, practice.

S

Some of you know that I have been practicing holding onto my attention instead of giving it away to unnecessary distractions. In essence, I have been practicing mindfulness, but on a whole other level. My attention only goes to what I want, and I intentionally decide in advance to what kinds of people and situations I will give it to. For example, I don’t give attention to repeating news, opinions, and only selectively read what I need to know, which is just the facts.  This allows me to stay emotionally stable during these tough times.

About 18 months ago, I realized that despite my best efforts, I am still drained by people. When I thought about how people clamor for my attention, and how I am wasting it, I realized that the vast majority of my attention is being asked  for, even demanded by men who are of no personal interest to me. Yes, women do that too, but in my life, I get surrounded by men everywhere I go, and what is annoying they assume they are entitled to talking just because I am there.

Inappropriate men seek my attention for reasons that only make sense to them. My coworkers dial my phone number in off hours just to get to know me better. My male friends who I have been just friends with for years, pester me to give them a chance. Strangers follow me from the coffee shop to my home. Who gave you permission to follow a woman down the street to her home? Indian men follow me to public events then corner me and talk at me for forty minutes (unless I cut them off) to propose marriage without any signal from me that I am even interested. They don’t care if I am not.  

Older men, the most starving of all, are “entitled” to my attention, and they start telling me that they are a real man and spell out what they can do for me in the first 30 seconds of meeting me. Usually they begin a conversation by mentioning how much money they have and what they are willing to pay for. Absolutely disgusting. I have a travel network. Men see my itineraries online, and purchase a trip traveling to an international destination assuming that I will be their girlfriend. They get there and are extremely disappointed when they find out they purchased a flight and a travel package, and they get none of my interest at all. Years later, some of them are still contacting me to find out if I am ready to get serious with them. Are you kidding me?

Yes, in my life, it is the men who are the biggest drain of my time and attention. People think that I should be enjoying it, but I absolutely recoil at being drained. People who do that are needy, hungry, lonely, entitled, toxic, and I had to figure out a way to cut my energy from them. Nothing worked. The more I tried to unfriend, block, not talk to them, the harder they tried to get my attention. It is as if “No” only incites them to persist harder.

So, I decided to stop fighting men, and learn to withdraw my energy instead. I tune them out, ignore them, pay no attention at all. About 18 months ago, I decided to pay attention selectively, and only to men who are of specific interest to me, to see if that helps. My strategy was to tune out everybody, avert eye contact, not answer messages, not initiate nor invite a conversation, not smile, not accept drinks from, not be present to males I have no personal interest in. Of course, I have to work with men, but I work with them in a detached manner, only conversing about work. In my private life, I have managed to be completely tuned out of males, unless I am dating one, or romantically interested in one. While I was doing this for 18 months, there were only two men in my private life who could get my attention, and only after I determined that the connection was healthy and satisfying to me. Otherwise, no attention to males who are not sleepable, datable, or of romantic or sexual interest at all.

When you think about it, this is the most practical thing to do. Why would anyone give away attention freely? Women are conditioned to do this for everyone, to smile warmly at any stranger who is entitled to her smile. I decided to do the opposite. I emitted no signal that I want attention for eighteen months. Here is what happened.

I carved out more time for myself. I gave myself permission to not answer messages or texts from men I have no personal interest in. No apologies were given.

At parties, I scanned the room and identified a few males I might be interested in talking to, while ignoring everyone else. If no interesting males were around, my attention was given to women. When men try to talk to me, I openly say I have no interest. I make no excuse like ‘sorry I have a boyfriend” because that is a lie, and why should I lie to protect a man’s feelings? “No thanks (to the drink) I am not interested”. It was uncomfortable to say this unapologetically, but why do I owe him an apology? Is saying No an insult? Only to insecure or egotistical men.

Being unapologetic was uncomfortable at first because I knew that men were waiting for a polite excuse “I would be interested if only it wasn’t for that pesky boyfriend”. But no apology and no explanation soon started to feel honest to me, it felt right, and the more comfortable I stared to feel, No, felt truthful, and powerful. Who could pester you for your time when you directly and clearly say no? The second thing I noticed is that I feel better about myself, and was slowly starting to feel more powerful, knowing that no one could drain me unless I allow them to pester me for attention.

The third effect of ignoring all men, is that I got ten times more unsolicited attention from men than ever. Unsolicited or unwanted attention is not pleasant. No one wants to be hounded by hungry attention seekers. At first, I was annoyed, but then I decided to examine who are these people who believe they are entitled to me?

Yes, most men who chase even more when they are being ignored are toxic. Think about it, would a healthy person pester, nag or hunt a person who clearly stated that she is not interested? No, a healthy man would have too much respect for himself.  Unhealthy women do this too, they chase or nag even harder when their object of interest is not.

One day I read all my unread messages to find that the vast majority of these males are entitled, demand to talk to me, accuse me of being a you know what when I won’t reply, some even cursed me. My advice to you is to allow men to write, they will tell you exactly what you need to know about them.  I would not have known how any of these males truly feel if I was politely allowing them to talk at me at an event. I would have been feeding them my energy and attention, and they would have been getting an ego stroke from me, even though I would never intend that. But, ignoring them allowed me to read and hear what these males really think.

Any male can be polite when he thinks he will get what he wants but pay close attention to who he becomes when he knows he cannot get anything at all. So far, I have seen rage, anger, insults, threats, stalking (yes two showed up on my lawn, and a few followed me to events in other cities). One even tried to discredit me in front of a dozen mutual friends as revenge for my rejection. Are these real men? What did I do to make them angry? This strategy of not engaging anyone in conversation at all, allowed me to filter unhealthy men. I never would have had the ability to see them as they truly are had I removed the filter and allowed everyone a bit of my time. I appreciate knowing.

However, withdrawing my attention also had a positive effect. It allowed me to identify quality men more effectively. Two guys noticed that my attention is not easily attainable. They both noticed that I don’t spread myself too thin with male attention, that I do not feed on it, that my ego doesn’t get boosted by male presence, in fact that I do not need it.  I am still talking to both and am interested in them equally. My level of interaction with them is healthier than before, because I allowed them to show me who they are as people, their character, how they feel about women in general, what is their motive, and I got to see that upfront before getting invested at all.

In general, I think that withdrawing attention from all males I have no personal interest is working for me. I spend less time texting, answering messages, and even having drinks with males I do not intend to see again. Most of the time, I know I don’t want him in the first 30 seconds of the date, why waste an hour of my time with someone I know I don’t want?

I get more unwanted attention, but the wanted attention I get is of higher quality. I also realized that I have more time to pay attention to my own personal interest. Very few women date based on who they want to date, most accept offers from who is available. That is not much of a choice at all. In the last 18 months I have sharpened my senses, and I have a better idea of the kinds of characteristics I appreciate in men and the kinds that I now immediately avoid.

Knowing who I want is a huge advantage. I now don’t waste my time politely dividing my attention among people who are asking, instead I zero in on who I want. If that particular male is not interested in me, I am completely okay with it. I do not pursue nor wait for someone who is not interested. But, managing my attention, and allowing to only flow towards males I am interested in, helps me be more selective, and I get a higher quality of interaction from the males who matter to me.

This is a subject I feel very strongly about. I think that women are raised to be polite, flatter males on command, smile at everyone to make them feel good about themselves, make males feel brave about their manhood, and then they wonder how they unintentionally gave a male they don’t want romantically an indicator that he should pursue them. A lot of these same nice girls who support any male ego, wonder how they repeat painful cycles with toxic males who feed of their energy and attention but cannot contribute anything healthy to a relationship at all. They give attention on command. They smile automatically at anyone who is entitled to her validation. If you cater to people with your energy or your attention, don’t be surprised when they are just there to feed their egos.

My reverse strategy, to never give attention to anyone who is not of specific interest to me has worked in my favor. No, it wasn’t easy to get used to energetically blocking 99.9% of males. But, as Seinfeld said, 99.9% of the population is unsleepable. Women aren’t looking to hook up with 99.9% of males in this world, yet 99.9% of males firmly believe that’s she is interested in him. Why do they believe that? Because 99.9% of the women in this world are raised to be nice to everyone, to smile at everyone, to make everyone feel good and supported. That’s why.

If you are like me, and are wondering why unwanted males hound you, continue to pursue despite your resistance, and orbit you for years waiting for your attention, you might be unwittingly emitting a signal that shows them you could be supportive, giving, pleasing, stable, welcoming, enduring. Those are wonderful qualities, but you only want to give that to one man you have deemed worthy, not everyone who wants that. We all send that signal to everyone by being nice, caring, loving, positive, supportive. I am not instructing you to not be that, I am telling you to give all that to people who are worthy of you, not everyone.

The only way you will figure out who is worthy of your time is by carefully considering who specifically you want as a partner, and second, withholding that attention until that person has demonstrated interest, an ability to have a healthy relationship, that he is emotionally mature and healthy, that what he wants out of a relationship meets your needs, and that his commitment is unshakable. You cannot possibly know if he is the one you want if you are feeding him energy and attention upfront. And you can’t possibly identify him if you are emitting your signal to every male to pick up. I guarantee that the wrong males will come to feed on your signal, and you will be wasting time coddling the unwanted ones.

Spend an extended period of time making a list of characteristics and qualities that you want in a male. By now you have years of experience and material to be able to identify the inner qualities that work for you. The more time you spend homing in on what you want, the more it will become evident that you wasted your time giving attention to males who don’t come even close. The longer you stay focused on those wanted characteristics, the more dismissive you will be to males who are there to waste your time. Do not feel guilty, everybody is wasting your time and attention unless they are who you want. You are looking for one, not a hundred, so only focus on what or who you want.

When you shut off your signal, be prepared to feel uncomfortable. Males will feel entitled to your energy and your attention, and some of them will be absolutely belligerent when your presence no longer feeds their ego, nor validates them. Be okay with that. They are demonstrating that they were feeding off your energy from the start. You are not looking for an energy vampire, you are looking for a healthy man.

How many times have you left a relationship feeling drained, spent, only to realized you were in a connection with an unhealthy male? Don’t you wish you knew up front who he was? Isn’t a man’s emotional health one of the most important attributes women should look for? Then don’t feel bad that you have to screen for it. When I started blocking my signal and started directing it only to the males I want, I saw the side of maleness I never wanted to see. I saw that a lot of these males who were pursuing me were after energy, validation, an ego boost. Some looked absolutely desperate, hungry, starving for their manhood and were after me to fill their vacant insides. Yes, you will see this side of males too, but you must see it in order to understand that these are not healthy people, and that they cannot offer you a loving relationship. You have to be steadfast in this approach, because it will allow you to see the truth, you will see the inside of a male long before your become involved with him, and this is a must if you want to eliminate unhealthy candidates.

This will be unpleasant at first, but it will serve you once you become comfortable. Understand this is a display of their nature and has nothing to do with you. Don’t allow them to judge you, do not engage in exchanges of words, simply tune out once you see who this truly is. He is not for you, keep walking. Non-engagement is key. Engagement will only drain you further, so you must always remain detached from males acting inappropriately or with lack of respect. Do not compromise on this.

The world is full of healthy men. They are handsome, educated, strong, healthy, loving, caring, worldly, evolved, conscious, capable of having relationships on a higher level. How would you identify them? You can’t if you are giving time and attention to every male who asks for it. You cannot identify the healthy ones, while you are apologizing to the unhealthy ones. Practice only giving attention to what is wanted, and don’t waste your time and energy engaging nor justifying yourself to people you don’t want.

Do what you must do that is in your best interest. I had to block over 150 males who displayed lack of respect toward women in general, lack of respect toward me, psychological imbalance like anger, rage, shame, mind games. Yes, mind games are a red flag, not an opportunity to become engaged in conversation. I silenced males like coworkers, elderly, anonymous males who were contacting via any social media channel they could. No consideration at all. I silenced orbiters, those males who have been circling me for years, dropping in occasionally to check in to see if I am interested now. I silenced them by directly stating: “I noticed you have been asking me the same question for years, and I want to clarify that when I said no four years ago, I did not give any indication that you should wait”. Why did I say that? To cut off the energy. Those of you who are sensitive to energy can feel the presence of people in your energy field. I won’t go into details, but that too is a drain.  If you feel it and if it doesn’t feel good, cut it off. You don’t need that attention, not even from a respectful distance.

I can honestly say that I feel healthier now. I have tuned out toxic news channels, energy vampires, and males who I was wasting time with. I have more time to focus on what I do want in my life. Sometimes I want to focus on a man, and sometimes not. The ability to shift focus has given me more power to pursue those wanted things. We simply do not have enough time to give our attention to everyone who demands it.

S

I’m not sure who said something to this effect: “the curse for creating illusion is living with more illusions”. We all create our own illusions, choose beliefs which reflect who we want to see in ourselves and other people, and we all live in a hall of mirrors we have chosen to protect ourselves, our identity, our ego, and our reality. None of us are immune to illusions.

Some of us are truth seekers, so we strive to see beyond that hall of mirrors. We can question our own beliefs and our own selves so that we can learn, move beyond, become more. And others hang onto their illusions for dear life because it is safe in there. When a new truth or reality threatens their world view, they choose to hang on to their beliefs, and the only way they can do that is to stay within that hall of mirrors, They adjust their beliefs only so much as to maintain their existing reality, to maintain their identity, to maintain the old, unchanging, unevolved self.

But, when we do that, our world becomes smaller and smaller. Our reality becomes so fragile, that we constantly must work to seal the cracks in our old mirror. We only adjust our beliefs so much as to create a new seal for a mirror that is almost shattered. When that old mirror catches a reflection of a new world or a brighter light, they quickly throw a blanket over it to make sure that mirror still reflects their old world view.

This is not a critique of any people in particular; we all do this in certain areas of our life. We want to believe certain things that have always made us feel good, and we all hang onto outdated beliefs. The world is constantly changing. Change is the only permanence in the world. How would it benefit us to still believe that the earth is flat, that evil spirits are responsible for disease, that powerful or independent thinking women are witches, and that flight is only possible through magic? You chuckle, but we all believe in something that no longer serves us.

The world has never evolved for the worse. Change is always uncomfortable and painful, so people blame it for their inability to adapt. It is tempting to stay attached to old people, things, and beliefs, because any new belief or reality that comes in feels like a slap in the face. We all earn whatever happens to us when we refuse to grow. Every time that I have clung onto false beliefs, I crashed and burned of my own doing. Nobody did it to me. Of course, I blamed whoever was in my situation at the time, but I always did it to myself because my belief system refused to budge.

I earned every painful lesson, but I also grew from it. In isolation, I have been pondering: What people, beliefs or things have I been hanging onto? How have I kept myself stuck in the past? How am I refusing to grow and move on? What distractions have kept me off my path? In what ways am I holding myself back?

Isolation has been good for me, as I am sure it is good for all of us. It has been uncomfortable to watch friends clash because of their belief systems. It has been sad to see 2 friends die, and another 6 succumb to disease. I have been unfriended by dozens of people who do not like what I have to say. I am okay with all of it. It is supposed to happen. I am losing two important people, who have always been a crutch for me. It is time that I learn to walk without crutches. I am not sad because this is part of my changing reality. More of my reality will continue to change and I will be okay with it. In fact, I am allowing for the new reality to come in without any resistance. It will be uncomfortable, but I will adjust to it, and I will grow in it.

And so will you. Resistance is a killer. Resistance clogs your flow. Resistance compounds your fear, anxiety, negativity. Fear spreads like a wildfire. Relax. You are doing great and are taking good care of yourself in isolation. Adjust to whatever new reality is coming in, even if it looks uncertain. You can choose to thrive in uncertainty rather than cower in it. You can float in the ocean, trusting that every new wave will carry you where you need to be, even though a wave has the capacity to pummel you. It is not the wave, it is your resistance and doubt that makes you go under.

Have you ever floated belly up in the ocean and wondered what exactly is holding you up above the water, even though you are not actively swimming? Have you noticed that the minute you start to question your ability to float, you see a wave coming, you try to resist it and you now have to start pedaling to stay above it? That is your resistance. Relax and allow yourself to adjust to the waves. There is a lot of power in uncertainty. The power is in knowing how to flow with it. Accept whatever comes without resistance, then slowly work to adjust to this new reality. The more relaxed you stay, the less change will hurt.

Allow all those old beliefs, relationships or patterns that no longer serve you to flow away. Do not argue or fight to keep them, but gently allow them to wash away. Whoever wants to go, let them without any resentment. Wish them the best. Whatever no longer works, allow it to crumble without any fear. Whoever is attacking you, nagging you, taunting you, allow them keep barking, pay attention to something else. Why?

If I made a fist and threw a punch at your face, it would hurt. But if you were in flow, you would slowly bend like a reed in the wind, and my punch would miss you. My punch could not hurt you. You would now be much more powerful than anything I could do to you, and I would remain powerless. Instead of fighting people, or fighting a new reality, bend and flow.

When a hurricane passes through town, which objects get destroyed? It is the oldest, most rooted trees that fall in its path. It is the flowers and the reeds that can bend with the wind that survive. Go with this flow and you will adjust easily to whatever new reality you make.

S

How do you want to feel? How would it feel to have your ideal day? How would the most beautiful morning feel to you? Peace, tranquility, a hot cup of tea, an invigorated body, sunny mood, having a lot to look forward to, good news?

Sit down with yourself, and consider for a moment what would it take for you to engineer that kind of a day. Yes, it is not up to Facebook to tell you how to feel, and it is certainly not up to the news to tell you what you should fear. It is 100% totally up to you.

The question I asked above, is not easy to answer by some. Times are uncertain, things feel uneasy, life is confusing. If you are like me and frequently experience anxiety and panic about things that are beyond my control, can you afford to feel the way you naturally feel? Can you afford to allow nature, mood swings, hormones, and other people to dictate how your day will be? I know that I cannot afford it.

Each day, like most people, I wake up with a pain, a belly ache, my face swollen, feeling fat, and my mood spiraling down into an abyss. This is especially likely when the sun is not out, and I anticipate a mailbox full of bills, emails, notices, and bad news. But, as soon as my feet touch the floor, I decide how I am going to feel. I engineer my day.

How do I want to feel? For that question to be answered powerfully and effectively, I cannot think nor allow myself the time to notice nor dwell on any of my issues. I don’t even glance at my aching shoulder because that ache is not how I want to feel. Imagine if I considered that ache for 30 minutes, imagine how I would feel after that.

How I want to feel is eager for my day to begin. I want to feel as optimistic and invigorated as if there was sunshine on my face. I want my body to feel energized, light, fluid, I want to experience a full range of motion with ease and flexibility. I want a ton of energy. How would my body and mind feel if I was full of energy? I want to feel powerful today. I will make the right decisions, the ones that are in my best interest and highest good without feeling torn about whether I could, should, or how would other’s feel if I did. I feel certainty that I can do that.

Rather than start your day in front of a computer, and allow yourself to absorb the prognosis from the news or Facebook, engineer your own prognosis for your body and your mind. Forecast how you will feel, and actually feel it as you are deciding.

Can you imagine how powerful it feels when you are the only decider of how you will feel? Can you imagine how strong, motivated, excited you will be when you realize that no one else can tell you? Can you imagine how it feels when your physical body starts following instructions that you gave it?

Each day I tell my body how it will feel. I meditate, and I get into the feeling that I want to experience, and I stay in that feeling as long as it feels great. Again, you don’t have to meditate, you can simply decide. If this sounds ridiculous to you, try it now. Choose the best feeling that is easiest for you to feel. Pick your easiest subject. For me, it is animals, especially wild ones. I have had some experiences encountering lions and tigers in the wild, and those were my highest, most blissful states I ever experienced here on earth.

Do not pick a subject that you feel a lot of resistance. For example, don’t force yourself to feel good about your financial situation if that subject gives you anxiety. I assure you, that the more you practice how you will feel, the easier it will become to choose how to feel even about the most challenging subjects. You will naturally be able to do this later.

For now, pick your favorite thing that makes you happy: sunshine, beaches, kids, baby animals- whatever automatically puts a smile on your face, that’s what you will feel intentionally. Stay in that feeling as long as it feels great.

Notice that when you can engineer how you feel even for 5 minutes, how does that chosen feeling effect your physical body. How does your heart feel holding that baby, or kitten in your hands. How does your mood feel when a butterfly lands on your shoulder?

You just succeeded in deciding how you will be. Sit down, and create a little time and space for yourself to decide how you will feel. Pick up a journal and start writing how you will feel right now, how much you will enjoy this morning, how your body will feel invigorated today, how your mind will respond to all information it has to process today. Who will you encounter?

I have a few nasty coworkers who make me not want to pick up the phone. I dread them. How can I feel better about myself while dealing with them? (I am not asking how can I feel better about them, they feel nasty to me. Instead, I am considering how can I feel better while dealing with them). I can choose to not absorb their negativity, I can choose to not listen, I can choose to direct the conversation where I want it to go. I can choose to structure our calls so that we don’t have time to talk about what makes them so miserable. I can choose mentally how I will feel when they make my phone ring. Rather than feel that practiced feeling of dread and stress, I will practice a new feeling. That new feelings is of a woman in charge, a woman with important things to do, a woman with no time for mindless chit chat, a woman with an agenda, a woman who can effectively direct them to do what needs to be done.. How would I feel if I decisively directed them to get their own projects done? I would feel empowered, I would feel firm I would feel strong, balanced, level-headed, I will feel powerful as soon as I talk to them today.

We decide how we feel. Unfortunately, most of us get lazy, sit our asses in front of the screen, and rather than take charge of how we feel, we lazily let TV, social media and our grumpy friends tell us how we should feel.

You have the power in every moment to decide how you will feel Now. I wrote about this in a previous post, but I have been battling anxiety since childhood, and in 2017 I spiraled down into depression. I crawled out of this without drugs. How did I do it? I accepted how dreadful I feel, I stopped resisting it, and then, moment by moment, minute by minute, I practiced changing my feeling. No, in that state you cannot change how you feel about that tax collector knocking on your door, but you can choose how you will feel when that hot shower loosens every muscle in your body, you can practice a blissful feeling for 2 minutes, yes you can.

When my mind and body refuse to follow me into bliss, I turn on some carefully chosen music. It is the music that makes you dance, it is the music that makes you sing, it is the music that makes you run a marathon that will guide you toward a better feeling. I never allow myself to listen to music with sad, disempowering lyrics of betrayal, loss, or sadness. I only listen to what makes me feel happy, blissful, powerful, skinny, energized, successful, positive. What you put in your brain is what comes out. You cannot smile listening to music of loss and tragedy.

Your input will always match your output. If you want a better output, spend 30 minutes each morning (you know you have the time), inputting better feelings. Your brain is a computer that you have programmed since childhood. Write a better program.

If you have pesky children who don’t give you 3 minutes to yourself, sit them down and have them write or dream about how they will feel today. Pay attention to how easy it is for a child to imagine, and how quickly they respond emotionally to things that feel good to them. If a child can do it, you can do it.

Some people begin their day with prayer. If you know how to pray effectively (without begging, pleading, whining, needing), then you may have recognized the power of engineering your day, even your life. God is not a lottery ticket, nor a genie whose job it is to make your wishes come true. You may have noticed that she does not respond to begging, nor whatever you feel entitled to. God helps those who help themselves. God responds to your knowingness, your feelings of worth, your peace, your open heart, your grace. You have to feel it first. Yes, you have to do the work on yourself.

Like everyone, I now have more time to myself than ever. And like everyone, I am wasting a lot of my time. Wasting time, does not feel good, eventually I will spiral down into something I do not want to feel.

I carry my journal with me everywhere I go. I sit under a tree behind the museum, and I write how I will feel all day long. When something comes up, like that 3pm call with my cranky coworkers, I spend as much time as it takes, to decide how I will feel ahead of time. 90% of the time I successfully engineer a more positive interaction with them.

As you practice this, you will see that your body will also feel how you practice. Your employees will also feel what you tell them to feel. Your mind will feel immediately more powerful knowing that it is YOU who instructed that feeling.

Imagine how people will feel about you when they notice that their instructions do not effect you. This Goddess only feels how she wants to.

S

That which clings repels . That which moves attracts. Who are you clinging to? Whose approval do you seek? Whose opinions matter the most to you? Whose validation do you compete for? 

Have you noticed that the people who are the most unapologetically themselves are also the people to whom others are most attracted to? Ironically, these are also the people who care little about who is attracted to them. They don’t need the validation.

The need for approval makes you invisible. All humans want to belong, but often belonging means succumbing to the beliefs and opinions of others. We have to adapt to the group in order to belong. Often belonging to a group means adjusting our beliefs systems, whether political, religious, or social. The more that we give up our own beliefs in order to belong, the less authentic we become, and the more that we desire approval from the group, the less attractive we become to those group members. Seeking approval makes us unattractive, less valuable, and less respectable. This is true when we also seek romantic relationships, business connections, approval of mentors, and family members. In essence, seeking approval makes us slaves to people and groups we try so hard to belong to.  

How to be visible? Practice being yourself. Who are you really? What do you truly believe in? Why are your authentic beliefs so difficult to express to others? Do you fear their disapproval, disagreement, any label they can place upon you? Do you fear their rejection? Then you fear being authentically yourself. 

Your authentic self lives buried deep inside you, and is afraid to come out for fear of what others might think of it. What is truly invisible is your authentic self. And you’re making a choice every day to keep yourself invisible.

Authenticity is highly attractive. But it comes at a hefty price. People will be threatened by your authentic self. They may be in disagreement with that authentic you. Authentic people get a lot of criticism. Authentic people often stand out from the crowd and are perceived as not belonging. Authenticity is challenging, and many people are not prepared nor self-assured enough to defend their authentic self.

When we learn self validation, we show the world that we have worth. When we learn to trust ourselves and our judgments, we discover we don’t need other people’s validation. We feel more authentic. We feel more proud to be ourselves. Pride and self worth are highly attractive.

When we become authentic and self validated, we naturally receive approval from others for our genuine qualities. Now there’s something of true value. Isn’t it of greater value to be appreciated by a few people who care for who we truly are, then to be loved by hundreds of people who approve of our mask? Your need for acceptance will make you invisible. Your need for approval makes you less worthy. That authentic you that is only you and no one else, is what you have to bring out into the light.

Yes, it is very uncomfortable, even scary to come out of the closet. Yes, in essence, you are revealing to the world your authentic you. For sure, people will judge you. For sure, somebody will talk about you. She’s not like us, she’s a little weird, she has issues, she’s so opinionated. They might even laugh. They might not ask you to hang out. The worst thing you can do is recoil and run back into the closet. The worst thing that you can do is ask them why. 

To be authentically you, you have to accept all that comes with being an authentic person. When approval truly isn’t needed, why they don’t want you is not important. Become more comfortable being the one standing outside the group and being confident about it.

Practice speaking confidently about your unpopular views. Don’t apologize for having a different opinion. If you want to truly be confident about your own belief system, then you have to study your own beliefs, find logic in your beliefs, and prepare to defend them like a rational person. Only a person who doesn’t have full intellectual grasp of her own beliefs, will be offended when others challenge her. Have the knowledge to back up your beliefs with proof and evidence. Only a person who doesn’t have full confidence in her beliefs will apologize for them. You have to fully know your subject, your self, and your position before you can stand firm and be confident.

Practice saying no. Practice disagreeing. Practice standing outside the group and feeling confident about it. Practice moving on. Practice changing direction and moving towards independence, self assurance, and learning subjects beyond the intellectual grasp of the group. 

It is only when you have your own direction that you become attractive to others. It is only when you stop clinging to others that they will find value in you. It is only when you have self worth, valid opinions of your own, that others will see you as a valid person. Even when they start validating you, you must understand that your own self validation is of greater value, than any admiration they could give you. If you want people to follow you, chase you, seek your company, then you have to start moving. This is true in business, romance, and social settings. No one chases a person going nowhere.

Clingy people repel. The ones moving attract. Don’t believe me? Watch a nature show and pay attention to how lions hunt. As lions are stalking a herd of impala peacefully grazing grass, there are usually a few animals grazing right there in front of the lion’s nose. You’ll never see a lion chase the closest impala. Unless the lions are sick or injured, their natural instinct will have them zero into that one particular impala that is running away. They will chase it only because it is getting away. The other that was grazing right under the lion’s nose is of no interest whatsoever. 

Quit clinging and start moving. Quit seeking approval and start approving of yourself. Quit apologizing and start expressing your true opinion and know why you believe it. Come out of your own closet. The reason you are invisible is because you’re trying to blend in, rather than stand out.

S

How to think correctly to reprogram your mind, change your attitude on a difficult subject, decide how you will feel about an anxiety-causing situation, and create a response that will be in your highest interest? Again, the short answer is to meditate, however, that’s not easy for most people. So, I realized that often meditation is not necessary at all, and that we all get into a meditative state throughout the day, but are not aware of it. At those times, you can think with intention.

Meditative states happen naturally when you are driving on the highway, you reach your destination and wonder, How did I get here? I don’t remember this 2-hour drive. Your brain was functioning, after all, you reached your destination without crashing into anything. Yet, here you are, a 100 miles away, with no inkling about all the turns you took to get there. You were meditating. Have you ever picked up a paintbrush, and started painting, not with need to create something specific, but just allowed the paint to flow out of you and onto the canvas? You were meditating. Have you ever journaled in a relaxed manner, and allowed you ideas to just flow out of you? You were meditating, or in a state very close to it.

So. when I can’t meditate (when I have anxiety or panic attacks), my favorite way to correct my unreasonable panic-stricken, fear-mongering mind, is to start to write. I want to think with intention, but none of us can do that when our minds are racing a 100 miles an hour. I want to think only thoughts that will benefit me, but that only lasts 20 seconds, before my monkey mind takes over and starts repeating fear.

The pen and the words I write intentionally on paper, force my mind to flow along with it. Your mind can’t argue with what you are intensely focused on, it can’t argue with that pen writing what you intend. It can only follow the words on paper. While you want your mind to reach that meditative state and flow in the right direction on it’s own, you are going to pull it in the correct direction physically. Yes, your pen and your hand will pull your mind into the words it sees on paper. And eventually, as you stick to your intent: how you will feel, how you will accept, how you will process an uncomfortable emotion, pay attention to your body’s energy. It begins to relax when you decide that you will feel good, feel powerful, feel excellent when that big moment comes.

I have used this technique many times, and have always been able to reprogram my automatic responses with the ones I have practiced with just a pen and paper. I write for hours, and it is relaxing and enjoyable. Sometimes, I have a glass of wine. But always, I am able to decide how I will feel and act in the future when some unwelcome thing that is currently causing me anxiety happens.

What is anxiety? It is an irrational fear of something that has not happened. I am basically fearing the future, not living in the now. Why fear something that hasn’t happened? If you have anxiety, you know that sometimes the brain is triggered by the most irrational subjects. I have been triggered by dialing a phone number, reading an email, and every single year I have a major meltdown as tax time approaches. Even when I know I don’t own any money, that due date triggers me into an emotional tailspin.

I am currently anticipating an uncomfortable situation. There is plenty of evidence around me that shows it will happen soon. I fear the consequences, the hassle, the enormity, the frustration of dealing with it, the months it will take to settle, even the panic that I haven’t started to feel yet- I know I will panic in the future so I am panicking now, I know I will be frustrated by this process, so I am frustrated now. Does that make sense? Not at all. But that is my brain, and that is why I train it so much.

So, I am thinking with intention. I can’t bear to think about the implications of this upcoming situation, but I can ignore that for a minute and ponder how would a more powerful woman feel? What would a rational, intelligent, action-oriented woman do and how would she feel as she is doing it? A lot of women are much more assertive and intentional and goal oriented than I am, how would she feels as she is meeting her goals, and accomplishing these tasks one by one? Meditation is just reaching for that feeling, staying in that feeling, and then enjoying that feeling as long as possible. The feeling of power, ease, excitement, accomplishment, feeling satisfied, even empowered knowing you are acting in your best interest. But, writing in my journal can get me into that exact same place. When my brain resists, my hand and pen force it into that magic place where that difficult task is easily accomplished.   Thinking with intention is exactly that. Deciding rationally how you will feel, and practicing that feeling until it becomes an automatic response.

When I was 11, I came to America barely speaking any English. My school required all students to be proficient at public speaking, and we trained every year in speaking in front of an auditorium, then debate, and oratory contests. How do you do that when you can barely form a sentence in English? Imagining what this would feel like, literally made me shake in fear and cry every night. I didn’t want to go to school, and my dad tormented me even more “No daughter of mine will shake in fear on stage”. But just the thought of it made me piss my pants. I knew I couldn’t learn English in time to feel confident about speaking in front of the whole school. Instead I floated off into space and imagined what it would be like to speak like the most confident public speaker in class. Immediately I started to feel ease, power, this is fun, I can actually look people in the eye as I am relaxed behind the podium. Then I upped my projection and now I was a news anchor, speaking confidently, intelligently, staring straight into the camera like I know what I’m talking about. I noticed that the fear in my chest was replaced by excitement as I kept imagining I am her. I practiced with intention, how I would feel if I was the best speaker in the school.

Decades later, I think I am an excellent public speaker. At work, speaking in front of a conference room full of people who are much smarter than me, feels empowering. In fact, in my job, men who are more confident and more powerful in the office, have even asked me to deliver their presentations for them. I have convinced myself that I am the best, most confident, most powerful speaker on the planet. I sell out stadiums!

The reality is that it took many years for my English to become fluent, yet I succeed in speaking publicly when I practiced the feeling of confidence.

Have you got something scary coming up? Don’t let your brain tell you how difficult, impossible, unpleasant this battle is going to be for you, and certainly, don’t let it tell you about the agony you will feel when you lose. That’s just your brain talking. Instead,, use your mind. Your physical brain and your energetic mind are two separate entities. When one says no, use the other to practice the feeling of yes.

This is what I call intentional thinking. Decide how you will feel, practice the feeling of doing the right thing, making excellent decisions, acting in your best interest. You know how awesomely empowered you will feel when you act with ease, and certainty. You know how you feel when a job is well done. You know how excited you feel when everybody thinks you gave an excellent performance. You know how it feels to hear applause, great job, you did it! That feeling that you feel right now, IS that energy you want to practice in your body. That is what spiritual people refer to as transmutation- changing an energy from fear to ecstasy. That is alchemy, turning a base metal into gold. This is how you change your reality, and this is how you get a desired outcome every time.

S

How to feed your own soul? Is your soul hungry? Now that we live in an era of social distancing, is your soul starving? This has been a strange week, with most of my coworkers now working from home, and dealing with family members who are going crazy in isolation. For me, this is the norm. I have always loved my own company, and find work from home to be peaceful and calm. But a lot of my friends are suffering emotionally, they cannot cope in their own company, so I am writing this post to share some strategies on how to feed your own soul.

This is something we all should be doing at all times, not just in an era of required social distancing. We cannot have healthy relationships with other people unless we have a strong and deep bond with ourselves. In fact, if relationships have always been short, abrupt and cold, chances us that you may be seeking from others that soul food you should have been feeding yourself. This is a great opportunity to learn how to nurture yourself.

So, what is soul food? We are emotionally affected by everything that happens around us: media, news, friends, our work, drinking, commuting, you name it, it affects us spiritually and emotionally. Now that you have to spend so much time on your own, you will notice rather quickly how those things are affecting you. You are now in isolation, and can no longer blame your stress and bad mood on other people. You choose what you put into your brain just like you choose what you put into your mouth every day. Spiritual or soul  food can be both junk food and health food. You choose to interact with toxic people, share your stubborn opinions, post on social media, feed your soul with some empty drivel. You can also choose to listen to uplifting music, dance, exercise, meditate, spread positivity faster than a virus, give people hope rather than bad news.  Now that we all have a lot of time on our hands, choose wisely how you are going to spend it. Will you nurture your own soul, or spit out toxic sludge at other people? Remember, when you are sharing fear and negativity with other people, you are actually holding it in your own body. That IS karma.

If you are at home and in isolation, here is something that you can do to make solitude a beautiful experience. Clean your house. Cleaning your home is in fact a spiritual experience. It is taught by zen masters and spiritual teachers to mindfully find peace in cleaning your personal space, and making it beautiful. Rather than panic because my fridge is empty and create awareness of lack, I decided to make my personal space more comfortable. After disinfecting everything, I moved a few objects around, restyled my bed, took some artwork out of storage, bought some potted plants, repurposed some old items. With my extra time, I restyled my rooms with objects I already had, eliminated accumulated clutter, and gave away a lot of things I had in storage. I lit candles, brought out my finest crystal, of course I’ll be treating myself to my best champagne while I’m in isolation. But cleaning and redecorating my home on a dime, really did feel good and calming.

Read. Now is the time to fill your mind with a careful selection of things you want to be aware of. I want to always be aware of adventure, success, winning, loving, nature, this beautiful earth, wildlife, humor, health, thriving. I carefully select what I fill my head with. A note of caution: when I say be aware of health, I do not mean that you should make yourself aware of all the things that could block your health like viruses, cancer, pollution, chemicals, or bad food. Awareness of that will poison you. Awareness of health means acknowledging the tremendous resources we have like medicine, exercise, clean water, and the realization that in less that 5 seconds we can all create a feeling of wellbeing in our minds to instruct our bodies to follow. What a powerful feeling!

Laugh. It is amazing how quickly I start laughing and making light of every situation when I shut off all media. If you can find humor in the most difficult situations you are doing something right. You can join people in their fear and misery, or you can infect them with laughter, and force them to see something positive when they are insisting that the world is ending.

Write in your journal. Now that you have all the time in the world, you have time to re-write your story, decide how tomorrow will be, or paint a picture of the life that you want to live.

Take care of your body. If you love to cook, make yourself the most exceptional meals. Treat yourself to your finest foods. I don’t like to cook, but I do love fine wine and champagne. Now that I am shopping for only one, I can afford to buy myself the best. Cooking can be a mindful experience when you learn to enjoy every moment. Take some time to decorate your plate, serve yourself on your finest china, pair your simple meal with an extravagant wine, and bam, you’ve got mindfulness!

How about a bubble bath? When was the last time that you treated yourself to an hour of pampering yourself? We all pay for services to pamper us, but that care comes form outside ourselves. How about caring for yourself? There is nothing better than taking the time to think what do my mind and body need, then use your own hands and your own initiative to give that to yourself. A fragrant bath, a slow self-massage, a facial are all example of you taking the time to tune inward and give your body what it is asking for.

Give yourself the gift of nature. Nature talks. It is amazing how connected I feel when I am alone in nature. Years ago when I was feeling very down, I would hike by myself in a nearby state park. One day, when I was feeling particularly hopeless, I leaned on a tree. First I touched it with my hand, and felt an unbelievably powerful surge of healing energy. I burst into tears. I was laughing and crying at the same time. So, this is what it means to hug a tree. If you have never tried it, or even ridiculed the idea, I urge you to hug a tree in solitude. You have to be alone to experience its power, but a tree is my best medicine. I sat down and rested my forehead on its trunk. I have never experienced anything more powerful than the healing energy that nature gifts us every day. This is probably how the Buddha healed from years of hunger, pain and suffering. That tree have me my most humbling moment. 

My favorite practice that I started a few years ago when I was on a man-diet was to date myself. If you are suffering in social isolation, this is probably the best thing that you can do alone because it will change how you perceive men, teach you self-reliance, but also make you more confident, and aware of how attention from a man compares with the quality of attention you give to yourself. Dating myself is now extremely important, whereas before, it was something to be avoided at all costs.

To date yourself, make a list of things that the men in your life never wanted to do. It could be antiquing, apple picking, knitting, art classes, nature walks, sunset watching, cooking lessons. Then, all you have to do is do it by yourself. The most spectacular sunset I ever had with myself, was at my own log cabin in the Adirondacks, with my feet soaking in a frigid lake, drinking a $250 bottle of wine and a French baguette all by myself.  The day I gave myself that gift, was the moment I realized how I create my own world. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. Now that you can’t lean on others to accompany you to these activities, it is the perfect time to understand that other people are your crutch. Get rid of your crutches and learn to appreciate every moment walking in your own company.

If you were staring at the most beautiful painting in the world, what would feel better? To tell all the people in the gallery how much you like it then collect their opinions about it, or would you appreciate a moment in the gallery alone, with nothing but the rays of sunshine to make the painting come alive? I could see the painting better in silence, in peace, and absorb every color all by myself. If you had a glass of vintage wine, would it taste better when your friends are telling you that it tastes great, or when you are sipping all alone by candlelight, swirling every exquisite drop on your tongue? That is mindfulness.

To get in touch with your inner self, solitude is of utmost importance. It is about becoming comfortable with your own company, making friends with it, then slowly appreciating everything in your surroundings to the point that every moment becomes precious.

These times of social distancing will define us. Some of us will become infected by our own toxicity. Those people who absolutely cannot stand to be alone, may realize how much they hate their own self as a companion. Hopefully, they will see why others end relationships and move away so quickly. But many of us will take this time out to reflect, turn our space into a personal haven, take care of our mind, body and soul, and appreciate the respite from too much social interaction.

S

Boundaries teach people how to treat you. People can only know what they have been taught. They are not offensive, and when people are offended by your boundaries, rather than apologize, notice what they are offended by, and treat them like a potential red flag. “Hmm, she’s offended that I won’t take phone calls past a certain hour”, “I see he disregards that I have said that I am not interested”. Sure, a lot of people test boundaries, many disregard them, and some will keep crossing them until you say no. Saying no as soon as your boundaries are crossed is extremely important, because if you let it slide a few times until you are thoroughly pissed, the person has a history of you allowing the behavior, and will use it as prof of permission.

It is okay to communicate boundaries before they are crossed: “I don’t lend money to friends”, “I never work for free”, “It’s not okay to call me at work”, but it is even more important to watch how they react to your boundaries. Are they looking for a loophole, circumstances under which your boundaries would be okay to cross? Do they present their special needs, and call on you expecting to treat them as special?

Women with strong boundaries get more respect. They are not rude, instead their No is firm and uncompromising. When they say no, no one questions them. Why? Because that word doesn’t come with an apology. Because they are not offended when someone calls them a prude, rude or a bitch. They are sure of themselves, and they don’t fall apart when someone threatens them for saying no.

If you feel the need to apologize for enforcing your boundaries, you are signaling the other person that you are unsure of yourself, that you might be pliable, bendable, that you are careful not to offend the offender. In essence, you are giving the offender more respect than you have for yourself.

Some women are not comfortable saying no, so they make an excuse “I can’t, I didn’t get paid yet, so I can’t lend you money”. Again, you may be inadvertently signaling the other person that you would, if only you had the money. Boundary crossers are always looking for a way in, so don’t be surprised if they keep trying. Sooner or later, they will catch you on the day you get your paycheck.

People only know what they have been taught. And if you feel bad to teach them, you have a problem, and it is yours to fix.

If you have a child, you understand the importance of teaching rules. You are also aware that children are constantly pushing your buttons, testing your boundaries, and that they never, ever stop. Your job is never done when you are a parent. This is why you should know that your job of protecting your boundaries with men, employers, friends, relatives is also never done. Your job doesn’t stop just because your boss is nice, your mother is sick, your brother checked out of rehab, and that guy is now officially your boyfriend.

Women who can say no while looking you in the eye without blinking are total Goddesses. Of course, her no will always be tested, but she won’t give in just because someone tried to make her feel guilty.

S

In the last few years, my biggest lesson has been this: “The more upset I get about something, the more underlying baggage and shit that I’m avoiding dealing with. Irrationally large emotional responses are like our psychological metal detectors, they’re screaming to us, “Better start digging here! I found something!”– Mark Manson.

What topics make you angry beyond reason? What fears trigger you into hate? What actions, beliefs or behavior trigger you into shaming someone? That’s not the other person’s shame, it is yours. You are merely attempting to make her feel it too. But you carry that guilt, shame or fear inside your own chest. It is very much your unresolved crap that you don’t want to deal with.

We are all convinced that whatever we feel is justified, because we all believe that our crap is clean. I’m not toxic, you’re toxic. My belief isn’t detrimental to my own well being, yours is what is wrong with the world. “It is people like you, who…”.

But if you are capable of inflicting shame, guilt or fear onto another person, it means you have plenty to share. The most dangerous belief we could have is to think that we are rightfully reprimanding and teaching other people to behave better. What qualifies you or me as the teacher? Who ordained us with universal wisdom? No one. We are just not acknowledging our crap, and we are flinging it onto other people. If we see crap on their face, boy does it feel good! They earned it, they deserve it, you see, how crappy they are? You knew it all along.

Some people go a lifetime, preaching, teaching, shaming, guilting and inflicting fear onto other people. Innocently, a lot of children believe it, then grow into adults who can’t understand why they are afraid of their own thoughts. Projection of our own shit onto other people is what’s sickening the world. Admit it, we all do it. Scroll down your Facebook home page, and every second post is about crap slinging. What’s amusing is that every person is armed with “facts” and “expertise” that qualifies their shit as absolute truth.

We can all acknowledge the toxicity of this behavior, yet we all project our own crap onto other people. Those of us who are “smarter” and have more expensive credentials have an added layer of proof that our crap doesn’t stink. but yours surely is unqualified.

So what to do with that crap that festers inside us? That sewage will make you sick emotionally, mentally even physically if you refuse to acknowledge it as only yours. But you know it is there because those unprocessed emotions, that sewage triggers you into anger, shame, guilt or fear. The fact that you erupt violently, is an important tool, not something to be covered up, but something you can work with.

It is not enough to trace the source of your crap. Immaturely, we all trace it to our childhood, parents, lovers who refused to cooperate with us, people who wouldn’t coddle us. If that is all the digging you do, and you see others as the source of your unprocessed emotions, you are likely to accept it as their affliction and forget to acknowledge it as your own. How many adults still blame their inabilities and failures on a rough life?

What are you doing to get that crap out of you? To clear it, you must actually deal with it. Are you in therapy? Are you working on it spiritually? Are you addressing it with those who have hurt you effectively, or are you sweeping it under a brand new rug?

What people don’t realize is that the crap IS actually their life path. It is the reason you haven’t attained those trappings of life and hard work that you think you deserve. It is what is blocking your bliss, your self-realization. It’s there, you’re just not working on it.

Recently, I witnessed a whole pile of my own crap. It is being triggered daily by an unexpected situation. Mom is in the hospital declining fast, and my mind and body are reacting to a natural phase of life- we will all lose our parents. The kind of responses my own body is producing of pent up emotions buried for decades are like a volcanic eruption. Every night I wake up screaming. A work colleague offered me some of her Xanax and it sure was tempting, but I realized these horrible emotions have presented themselves now so that I can deal with them, and release them forever. They are not something to be covered up, they are here to be addressed, understood, then released. I have no intention of being scarred for life by them, my intention is to be free of them.

The fear I am experiencing now has been inside me for decades. Maybe we all carry a fear of losing our parents. But, I just realized that my fear and panic have nothing to do with the woman laying in bed. My fear is much bigger than her. I have enough compassion to understand that she wants to be released from her pain, and I can let her go. I am slowly realizing that my fear is of myself. Over the last 47 years on this earth, I have stuffed a ton of emotions into this body. I carry a ton of unprocessed emotional baggage. It is all erupting like a volcano. It is this eruption that I have been fearing all my life, and now I have to deal with it. I understand mom at her stage of life. I don’t understand this pile of shit. It is a weight I have carried for so long, yet I don’t want to stop carrying it. It is a part of who I am. Here comes another painful life lesson, after which I will emerge as a bigger person. I am bracing for this.

We cannot heal the world when we refuse to heal ourselves. It is hypocritical to think that our shit doesn’t stink, and to believe in other people’s toxicity, while refusing to acknowledge our own.

You can’t claim to be enlightened when you are carrying the weight of your own toxicity. You must see it within yourself first, then slowly shed it. You cannot strike a yoga pose, and see that pose as proof of your own universal wisdom. No, the crap won’t be cured by a detox shake, nor your extreme, restrictive diet. That restriction is how you are restricting your own self.

Your emotional triggers and automatic responses are the most important tool you have. Think of them as an X-ray, a snapshot of exactly what is going on inside you. Don’t shut down that X-ray machine, just because you don’t like to see what is showing up on film. That image is YOU. It pinpoints exactly what is wrong, and exactly what you need to work on. Right there, on that film is YOU. That is the part of you that you have to cure.

I love this quote by Mark Manson: “Irrationally large emotional responses are like our psychological metal detectors, they’re screaming to us, “Better start digging here! I found something!”– Mark Manson.

He has a Facebook page where he shares his views on self-responsibility. His words inspired today’s post.

S

Why are we all so loyal to our pasts, when it is the future we are trying to create?

If you keep your past activated, it plays a heavy part in your present, and you keep projecting it into your future. How many of us are repeating past patterns of money, relationships, suffering, tragedies, broken heartedness, poor health, our past political and religious beliefs, and wondering why we can’t make a brand new start? All of us do it to ourselves. We are all loyal and bound to our own past, and we form that attachment to it by ourselves. It is hard to let the past go. There are some good, pleasant, loving memories there. But, how do they serve you now? If you are trying to rise up above who you were, and become that woman of the world, that Goddess, how can you enjoy her being, when your identity is based on that past, powerless, hesitant, uncertain girl who hasn’t yet mastered herself?

I know, there is a ton of evidence in the past that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that you ARE that girl who is still learning, trying, striving, struggling, falling, being rescued, misunderstood. One unfortunate byproduct of higher education is that we are all trained to look for evidence. There is no evidence of our future self, that hasn’t happened yet, but I have 40+ years of evidence that I am not, that I have failed, that I have needed to be mended and rescued, and the more past is behind me, the more of that evidence piles up. It is no one’s fault but mine, that I keep staring at it, and concluding, “You see, I am the sum total of all that evidence”.

Both science and math, even the law schools train us into sifting and sorting through the evidence, and to draw conclusions based solely on that proof. We all have degrees in staring at piles of data on ourselves, that data that wasn’t working, and making rational and sound conclusions based on that crap. And it really is crap. If we drew a future version of ourselves based on that old crap called evidence, we would be drafting a phony, a girl wearing a false mask of who she is trying to convince the world she is.

Can you feel confident that you are a successful, powerful CEO, simply because you’re wearing that $1000 stiletto and carrying a power bag? Nope, fashion never turned a woman into a powerhouse. The true leaders, tycoons, and magnates, don’t carry accessories to show success, they ARE success. But to be real, you actually have to feel real, convince yourself, then believe in yourself, and how can you do that when there is no evidence of that version of you? The world needs proof, and nothing is real until proven. So where will you find evidence of that woman you are evolving to be? Where is evidence of your Goddess? How do you convince yourself of that?

The Goddess is always present, she is simply in awareness of her being and her connection to herself, her power is in the now, and she is focused on herself. No, she did not erase her past, she knows where she comes from, but she chooses to be aware of her now. The Goddess is simply that self-aware woman who understands that the past pile of evidence does not serve her today. By refusing to dwell on her past, she shifts her awareness to her blank canvas, that woman she would like to be. Her focus is on that.

How many of us meet a new person, and in the first 5 minutes of conversation, we know all their pain, all they disappointments, all their blockages, all their resistance? They are still married to their past, and their identity is nothing but that.

By now you know all my dirt, I write about it here every day- so the same could be said about me. But that is not who I want to be. Even though in my daily life, I make sure to detach myself from that past version of me, I write about her in this forum every day. How well does that serve me? Sometime I have to take long breaks from writing so that I can recalibrate.

So how to truly let go of the past? I practice my energy, and spend time tuning into new energies. But if you don’t enjoy meditation, there are more practical ways. Write a list of all that is holding you back (your place of origin, your religious beliefs, past abuse, all your failures, bad parents, unfortunate circumstances, your race, your attitudes) and think how you are married to each of those beliefs, and how your bond with that belief has programmed you to play out those old beliefs again and again. We study our parents’ marriages and love dramas, and we continue their story. Every day we learn from Facebook what is wrong with us- there is no shortage of solid evidence against us. And rather that refuse to absorb that evidence like a sponge, we agree, evidence is always true, so now we become martyrs, victims, recoverers and heroes of past traumas. I am no longer a victim of PTSD, abuse, cancer or gluten, now I wear the badge of honor of survivor of PTSD, abuse, cancer and gluten. But a survivor of anything still carries the evidence of it in her life story, every day. In essence, to be a survivor, you still are aware of what you survived, and that awareness brings your past forward. Survivor of abuse is just a projection of that past abuse into the present and future. You will always be a survivor of something nasty, and carrying that unwanted baggage with you.

It isn’t easy to shed our old skin, some of us like it, it looks good on us. Some of us cling to our old pains and sorrows because without them, who would we be? Most of us would have no identity whatsoever without our past piles of contaminated evidence.

I once asked a friend whose abusive mother had died: ‘Now that she is gone, will you release that victim of abuse?’ She replied: “Never, I will always be my mother’s daughter, no matter what. I know that my daughters will watch me struggle with that, and that they too will struggle with that abuse for years to come”. That is a declaration of intent to always cling to that old identity.

So, how do we move past from our old selves? It is hard when our entire program is based on decades of old, credible evidence of our faults. One of the ways I do it, is to rewrite my old story. What have I been harping on for decades? My narcissistic parents whose house I moved out of at 14, and my narcissistic mother who now expects me to coddle her in her old age. Recently, I had no choice but to rewrite my story, when as she predicted, she ended up crippled, incapable of taking care of herself, and demanding my eternal devotion to her. I panicked, I certainly would not devote myself to my abuser, so I sat down and rewrote my story. I only rewrote those parts that I could convince myself of, not the entire story that I could not truly believe. In my new story, I have a more objective, detached, relationship with her. It is true, her cognitive abilities have declined so much, that she doesn’t even remember who she was a couple of months ago. Rather than fight her decline I accept it, because in her new childlike state, she is more passive, appreciative of any help that she gets, and it is easier for me to treat her with humanity and kindness, than that old woman I used to be in combat with. I made up a new story, and I am sticking to it. I am helping a friend who cannot help herself, and I am giving only as much as I can give, and not more. My new story feels much healthier, so I adopted it.

It is hard to not drag the junk behind us, when we are so loyal to our pasts. We keep staring at that old evidence which only reinforces those dysfunctional parts of ourselves. This is why I write a new story every day. By now I have used up 30+ journals, and on days when I have no time to meditate, I write a new me. Some stories are less convincing than others, but I keep writing anyway. When I look back at my journals from 2012, I am astounded how some of my new stories have become reality, and how I have exceeded my expectations in certain areas of my life.

Here is a list of identities that I have successfully shed:  1) the immigrant me that came from a 3^rd world country got replaced by a confident, American me. The evidence of the old me are the tattered red passport, and my slight accent, but I pay no attention to that. I travel with my US passport instead, and use my American name. 2) The wife- how I disliked that identity. I have no problem with marriage, but I did not like myself in that role. For years I carried that with me when I decided, who does she serve now? The broken wife was serving countless toxic men who were looking to benefit from my identity as victim of a bad marriage. Nope, the new powerhouse me, who puts men in their place, benefits me now. 3) The kid who got placed in a foreign boarding school at 11 and felt abandoned and discarded by her parents, and the teenager who moved out of the house at 16 and found a new place to live.  This pile of shit, made me a runner most of my life. I was running from all kinds of relationships, searching for safety, independence, battling anyone who wanted to capture me. But, what am I running from now? Where the fuck am I running to? My new story is of contentment, my new family, being appreciative of the new people in my life, my chosen family.

We all have a past, that doesn’t mean that we have to be so loyal to it. It doesn’t mean that we have to be so firmly committed to what ails us. And it doesn’t mean that we have to keep telling that old story like a broken record. We all have the ability to be more present, and we all have the ability to paint a blank canvas, or fill a blank journal with our new story. We have the right to choose what we focus on, the kind of women we will be inspired by, and when they don’t exist, we have the ability to empower them and convince them that they can, they really, really can.

I have no interest in the person that I was. I am committed to always moving forward, keeping my connections light, helping people along the way, but never dwelling on my old story, and never acknowledging what is keeping my friends stuck. Whatever holds them back, I ignore it, and show them to look in a different direction. How does it matter that some man in the past didn’t give you the life that you wanted? All that matters is that the half of the world’s population is male, and most of them are desperately seeking you. Unfocus from what ails you, focus into what will make you feel good. If you see no evidence of your future endeavors, pick up a pencil and start drawing or write in your journal a new version of you.

Who created God? That’s same force that created the Goddess. She was born from consciousness, awareness, she is our own projection. We are all masters of ourselves, of our own reality, and we dominate our own existence with our own beliefs, thoughts, and by constantly focusing forward. So, write your own story. A true Goddess creates herself into being. What are you conscious of now? What’s next?

S

It is in our acceptance of our flaws that we become flawless. It is in the acceptance of our failures that we release ourselves from the mentality of failing. Acceptance is a very powerful tool that can release us from past trauma, guilt, shame and fear. How?

We all have certain experiences, traumas, personality traits, failures, guilt and aspects of ourselves that we find unacceptable. We are embarrassed that we failed, that we crashed, we feel guilty that we hurt someone or ashamed that we did something unbecoming. And we spent years, even decades hiding those icky feelings from the outside world. Where did we put them? Inside ourselves, where no one could find them. After all, that is the only place where no one can look. For a while it feels safe because no one can make us access that secret data bank of ugly situations and uncomfortable feelings we bottled up inside ourselves. But, life has a way of throwing curve balls, and one of them is bound to hit and send us into a downward spiral.

It all happened a few years ago when my life came to a screeching halt. A few consecutive personal and family disasters threw me into depression. I wrote about this period of my life before, and why I chose to face depression and those buried parts of myself head on, without drugs. That story got me a lot of criticism in the private forum and via this blog, when someone declared that I was advising people to not take medicine for depression. No, I simply stated that it was my personal choice, and I am in no way advising anyone to do that.

So, why did I face depression without drugs? Because I knew that there was something within me that I had to face and deal with. As painful as it was, I knew that I could no longer afford to ignore those aspects of myself. I knew that drugs would dull my senses, and that they could make me feel better, but I also knew that there was a lot within me that I could not unearth with dulled senses. I am a very introspective person. I have been meditating for 15 years, and learned that most of my answers are within. Now I was facing something excruciatingly painful, but having released pain before with my mind, I knew that whatever monster was inside me, I had to face all by myself. It was my own rational decision. No one guided me into rejecting drugs or therapy, I decided to explore my own abyss, to find that person I have been hiding, to deal with those emotions I have been erasing, to get to the bottom of me.

For me, depression was a life altering experience, especially the long, painful crawl out of it. I learned so much about myself in that grueling shadow that I choose to write about it. Looking back, the events that lead to my depression weren’t so important, these things happen to everyone. But those events forced me to face the fact that my current reality does not allow me to hide any longer. Life was exposing my past failures, disappointments, toxic beliefs and I had no say in it. Suddenly my mask was cracking, and that perfectly nice and polite me who loves everyone, now had a bruised and battered ego. It was time for it to go, it could no longer cover me.

I panicked that no one would like that highly flawed version of me. Who could possibly want to be friends with me now? I was embarrassed about my stupidity, recklessness, arrogance, irresponsibility, failures, imbalance- you name it, I had a problem with it. Who could accept this version of me? I certainly could not. It felt awful to look at myself and my own darkness. It was ugly.

Most people pretend they do not have a dark side. But there is no yin without the yang, we all exist in duality. Well, depression was my face off with my dark side. My facade cracked and shattered into a million pieces, and my ego was deeply wounded by what it was now staring at- that highly flawed, unacceptable me. The real me was the most painful thing I ever had to face, I had to look in the mirror and face the monster, and admit that this was the me I was refusing to acknowledge all my life. I was one giant, tarnished, rusty, toxic, deeply flawed mess of a human being who was a disappointment to everyone, most of all to herself.

Unfortunately, there is no quick way to deal with depression. It’s like someone turned off the lights, and you find yourself alone in a musty, dark basement having to face those monsters you feared so much as a child that lived in a shadowy corner. Oh, they’re real. No one ever tells you that the monsters are you. You put them there, and if you want a clean slate, you have to clean up your own mess.

Depression hurts. It really, really hurts. I can’t think of anything in this life that hurts more, so I sympathize with people going through it. It’s a long, dark labyrinth, and all of us are afraid of the dark. Rather than dwell on the pain, I’d rather tell you how I found my way out. Acceptance.

As I battled my own monsters for months and months, I grew weaker and weaker. I reached the point where I was fighting my own shadow and losing. I was so tired. I really wanted to give up. As I laid in bed, exhausted, covered in snot and tears I admitted to myself that there is no way out. There’s no way that can I return to the world as myself. That version of me is expired, and gone forever. My world now was the size of a coffin. And it really felt comfy in there. It’s small and safe, maybe I’ll just stay here. Who would miss this mess of a human being?

I started to feel more comfortable in my dark coffin, in fact that was the place I would mentally go to feel safe and feel some relief from the depression. It felt so good and peaceful to be in there, that I decided I’ll just stay here. In fact, when life was unbearable, I would check out, and go into my mental coffin to find some relief. This isn’t so bad. My world is much darker and smaller, but I am okay here.

In that safe spot I started to look at my ugly face in the mirror. I started to accept that monster isn’t so ugly, she’s alright. She won’t win a beauty contest, but she’s still an okay person. I found acceptance for my ugly, deflated, 20 lb heavier, grey-haired, wrinkled, tired self. I’m okay.

I started taking to my old self, the one who swept all the icky feelings and bad experiences under a rug. I forgave her. I understood why she had to do that at the time to protect her ego, to protect her reality, to survive. She’s okay.

I looked at the hundreds of ways I have failed people, family, coworkers, friends, I didn’t meet anyone’s expectations, not even my own. That’s okay, I forgive myself. I am still an okay person.

As I slowly started to accept the ugliest and the most painful aspects of myself, the more I felt okay. Not just okay, the more I accepted, the more I felt better, and better. I stared at all my flaws, scars, guilt, shame and fear, and said okay to them. I accept. This is me now. Acceptance allowed me to embrace the highly flawed me. As soon as I embraced all my scars, I started to view those scars as meaningful, each had it’s own beauty. As soon as I accepted who I am, the more okay I felt.

I accepted one more thing, which was the true turning point from the depression. I accepted the depression itself. Yes, I accepted my low, my self-hate, that hideous feeling, the darkness, the defeat. I accepted that there may not ever be a way out, so I may as well accept that I’m here. If I have to stay in this dark place forever, I’m still okay. Again, as I accepted the depression, it started to slowly lift. It was a lessening burden. I started to feel more ease, then freedom, and then I let go and I was totally free of it.

Depression was the most painful part of my life, but also the most powerful lesson I ever learned. I am glad I faced it, and that I faced it myself. I witnessed with my own eyes my own abyss and all the stuff I put in there, and finally made peace with each and every burden I have been carrying. I stopped fearing my monsters, even made friends with them. But most of all, I found acceptance, and it was the acceptance of the self and all it’s failures that lifted me out of the darkness. It wasn’t instantaneous, it was a long, painful journey, but acceptance lit up my path.

Once I came out of the darkness, I felt more powerful than ever. How can anyone make me feel ashamed, when I have accepted the most shameful parts of myself? How can anyone make me feel ugly when I have embraced and fallen in love with this ugly face? How can anyone make me feel guilty, when I have found peace in the guilt? How can anyone scare me, when the monster is me? How can anyone make me feel less than, when I have risen out of the darkness alone and on my own merit? How can anyone threaten to expose me, when I have exposed and become okay with all aspects of myself? I willingly allowed myself to feel the agony or my lower self, my darkness, and I mastered myself in there. Who could hurt me now?

I laugh in the face of fear now. Go ahead, expose me as a fraud, ridicule me, threaten me, intimidate me, take away everything I have, I will still have more. I found my power and it was laying at the bottom of an abyss I was afraid to plunge into. I am not afraid to look at myself now, nor am I afraid that some unsightly aspects of myself will be exposed for the world to see. I am okay, I am okay, I am so okay! No matter what anyone does, I will always be okay.

“For after all, the best thing one can do when it is raining is let it rain.”
 – – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“The moment that judgement stops through acceptance of what it is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace.”
– – Eckhart Tolle

I embraced my lowest moment, and thus acceptance lifted me up. Acceptance is power.

S

I started this blog, and the private women’s forum writing a lot about the purpose of casual dating, the fun and joy of having an abundant and glorious sex life, while making your own rules. I still believe that women should enjoy their sex lives unapologetically, but today I want to talk about how if you are inexperienced and unaware, you may be binding yourself to toxic males. Toxic men and women use sex to bind their victims, then hook them into begging for more. This is something that the less experienced women are unaware of, and are less likely to perceive as unhealthy. The sheer strength, craziness and intoxication of such a bond, might even confuse some women into believing this is true love. If it is agonizingly impossible to break this bond, it is likely you are not in love, instead you are in a relationship with a toxic man.

Some of us are just looking to experience many men, learn and grow from the experience, and find our personal power. I support that. But some women are looking for someone stable, a long term love, someone to trust, have a child with. The standards for a man who is marriage material must be much, much higher. But our understanding of what a healthy man and relationship is must be solid. Unfortunately, many women don’t know how to identify unhealthy behavior, confuse that with love, and then bond themselves to that person. If that sounds familiar, this conversation is for you.

Toxic men (and women) are very calculating about relationships. Their goal is not to relate to you, nor is it about the feeling of love, kindness or respect. Instead, their goal is to hook and paralyze you into not leaving, into serving their own needs. Their manipulation technique is to choose the right words, say the right things, play with your emotions, to trigger then train you into behaving in ways that will make you dependent on their artificial “love”.

Have you ever met one of these men? The one with cryptic behavior, hot and cold cycles, sadistic smirk, blatant disrespect, put downs to you or other people, lack of empathy, deception, arrogance, lying, then being offended that you don’t believe him?

The more experience we have dating, the more likely we are able to identify them sooner, and walk away. But my question is, why were we so easily confused in this stage of the relationship, when we could easily detect inconsistency and deception? Why were we starving for his attention when he disappeared? Why did we consciously form a bond to someone who displayed all signs of mistrust? What is it about his irrational, unpredictable, detached, inconsistent behavior that hooked us?

As a female, what was it that actually bonded you to this unstable, inconsistent man? At what point did you want more of him?

Trying to leave a relationship with a toxic and an emotionally imbalanced individual seems impossible. As soon as we have one foot out the door, they wrestle us down and drag us back with love bombing, emotional gestures, whatever it takes. When we do manage to leave a toxic relationship, we leave damaged, drained, scarred, numb. A breakup with a healthy man is very painful, but a breakup with a toxic, cold, detached, compulsive liar, hurts 1000 times more. This kind of love, was calculated.

Having been in many relationships just for the experience in the last ten years, I picked up a few clues and signs that toxic lovers exhibit. Feel free to post your observations below.

You don’t fully meet the man you dated until it is truly over. Sometimes you don’t understand who you were truly dealing with months or years later.

Many of us are allowing people we barely know to come into our lives, rush the relationship, create excitement, take us on an emotional roller coaster, rush into bed. Why? Because for many women, sex seals the deal. Unfortunately, for some women, sex is that binding agent that attaches women to a man. Toxic men know this. Toxic men know weaknesses of women, they count on your brain chemicals making you high on love even when his love is missing. My personal theory is that the more experience a woman has, the more easily she can detach, but for many, many women, this is the point where they become hooked on a man. At this point they lose all reason, and start rationalizing his irrational behavior. If you’ve ever been hooked on a man whose love left you paralyzed, addicted to him, and stupefied without him, you know what I’m talking about. This isn’t love, this is an addiction.

Goddess, know thyself. A self-aware woman knows her strengths and weaknesses. A woman who is aware that she bonds during sex, should know that this is her weakness, so that she can make decisions in her best interest. Rushing into bed does not seal the deal for him, just for you. This is the point that many relationships go crazy, because this is the point where calculated lovers start to condition you, play mind games, go hot and cold, start messing with your emotions.

Rather than repair or negotiate with a toxic man, work on your own self-respect and self-esteem. As a result, your standards will be much higher, and you won’t so easily be taken by a seducer. Dating is an education, and knowledge is power. Never shield yourself from knowledge.

When you respect yourself, and can easily identify confusing behavior, you are a much more difficult target for males who are unhealthy. You will insist on knowing men inside and out, take months to vet them as quality candidates, observe objectively and understand when they are taking you on an emotional roller-coaster ride. You will be able to disengage like a rational, level headed woman, and never doubt your decision. You will trust yourself more than you trust him.

But getting back to sex. As much as I am pro sex, for women having fun, and enjoying a glorious sex life, I am even more for women having an education. You don’t jump into an ocean unless you know how to swim, and you don’t plunge into sex with a man unless you know everything there is to know about him. If the man is toxic, why oh why didn’t you know that before you slept with him?

This is why I am so against dating books and dating rules. Most dating books tell you to time sex to 3 dates, 10 dates, even 36 dates. This is ridiculous, and it plays you straight into a manipulator’s hands. He can be good for three dates, ten dates, even 36, if he is calculated enough to expect you to act when prompted.

The only determinant to sex is YOU. Nobody else. Not a dating rule book, not a dating “expert”, not tradition, not expectations, never the man, and never your fantasy that if you give him sex he will give you love or the relationship he promised. You, your own head and brain are responsible for that decision so know yourself, study that man like you studied your college textbook. Get a degree in all kinds of men, trust me it will serve you better than any university.

I’m writing this because I hear from all of you, and I see first hand, how some smart, amazing, loving, healthy women allow themselves to be taken for a ride. Would you get into a car with a stranger? Most of us wouldn’t, but how many of us have discovered and been absolutely shocked that the man we are in a relationship with is actually unhealthy? Would it have been wiser to determine how healthy he was before we started bonding to him?

I can’t tell you when is the right time to have sex. But for me, now that I have much more experience than a text book, that time is getting longer and longer. My findings is that even textbooks are wrong on that subject.

The correct timing is solely up to you and your own good judgement. But you can’t accurately judge a man when you are bonding yourself to someone you barely know and are trusting long before he has earned your solid trust. Most of us have sex long before we have developed a solid relationship. That’s very fine for those of us who know how to keep it casual and how to keep walking. But that’s a very expensive mistake for women who are looking for a lasting relationship or someone to have a child with. That mistake won’t just hurt you, it will scar the child as well.

S

Have you ever watched a performance by a dancer, or an actor, and noticed that the performance was forced, you could tell that the artist wasn’t in the zone? It seems rigid, artificial, unnatural, there was no flow, life, nor enjoyment in his or her work. You knew immediately that the performer wasn’t feeling it.

Have you ever observed a relationship that seemed stiff, forced, controlled? Neither person is truly feeling it, but both are in it because being bound to someone feels safer than not being bound to anyone at all. Both feel secure, as there is no possibility of surprise, disappointment, misbehavior, nor breakup. Each partner knows what is expected, and each conforms to the rules, so their boat never rocks. They exist in unison, even their opinions are in general agreement, how could one diverge from what they have previously agreed on?

I have been reading a lot about Taoism, and like the concept of “Wu Wei”, which is the principle of “No Force” or “Not Forcing” anything in life. Pushing, management, control, rigid rules, persistence, stubbornness are all variations of force that kill any relationship, and obstruct its flow. The minute we start imposing on other’s free will, we start choking off the relationship.

Wu Wei does not mean that we should always be passive. There is a time for action, and the time for using muscle or slight force. When the current is right, gently tap an object or situation into flow. Think of Wu Wei as the art of sailing, and adjusting the sails, to catch the wind.

The concept is as easy as I describe. Life is all about flow. Whatever you have, you want to enjoy. You will find flow in the most mundane activities if you enjoy the current, rather than micromanage you vessel and float against it. Sure, it’s possible to sail upstream, but you’d be forcing life, and life happens anyway.

Our most difficult relationships are the ones we are trying to manage. ‘He won’t give me this, she won’t do that, I don’t think you should say such and such.’ The more we try to adjust the behavior of others, the more obstructions we put in font of them. If they are smart, guess where they will go? They will float to someone else who doesn’t surround them with obstacles. And they should. Good love feels like freedom.

Make a list of your most frustrating relationships, and think objectively. Who is controlling whom? Who is placing the biggest demands, who is paddling against the current, who is boxing you into their own little world, who is not flowing anywhere? The most stubborn people are paddling upstream, getting nowhere. Let them be.

How to handle people who are pushing your buttons, tying you to an anchor, refusing to let you flow? Put your hands in the air, let go of your need to be right, suspend your need to correct them, cut the cord and flow away. You can’t lose them. Trust me, they will come looking for you anyway. This sounds difficult, because we are used to reacting to whatever people say, or put in our way.  But, non-reaction (another powerful technique) allows us to not absorb their wrath, to not be jailed by their words or demands., so that we can flow away. We free ourselves by not forcing our will upon theirs, but by detaching and flowing our way. This is much easier than you think, because when you are flowing, nothing they do or say can force you into their situation.

Want beautiful friendships? Allow people into your life, and never stop them from flowing out. Don’t even ask. Make yourself enjoyable. If you learn to enjoy your own company, others will enjoy it too. Make your life beautiful, and people will revel in whatever you do.

If a relationship feels stiff, forced, and it requires your compliance, how much do you enjoy it? Rather than cut people off, practice flowing away, not by rejecting, but by flowing towards people whose company you really love. By doing this I realized that I sometimes prefer the company of strangers, or more superficial acquaintances, even people I meet halfway around the world, than in the company of old friends who are always paddling against the current. By being willing to let go and flow, I may have lost 3 old friends I was bound to, but gained over 40 new ones who are also flowing at my speed.

Never tie people down. We feel sorry for that elephant whose leg is chained to a tree stump and we call that cruel, but that poor chump you are dating, who has to be home before midnight or face your wrath, a “good man”. If you feel like you have to catch men, negotiate terms of relationships, box people into your life, bind them with a contract, you feel wrong to people. Some men will let you force them, but trust me you are merely getting a reluctant participant in your life. How would you enjoy that reluctant participant?

What do you really want? Aren’t you in this world, to laugh, love, enjoy, feel, experience, bliss, flow, thrill? Isn’t life beautiful when you can do that? Why not gift people in your life with the ability to be thrilled in your presence? Why not just let them be, encourage them to flow, inspire them to try something new on their own?

Practice Wu Wei in your daily life. Practice not forcing things at work, merely enjoying the flow. When you come across obstacles, put your hands in the air and let them float around you. Apply a gentle tap only when you need to reorient or find a better current.

I tried this in the last few relationships I had. Here is what happened. One guy was impossible to deal with, threw every punch straight at my heart. Rather than tackle him head on, I threw my hands in the air and at first it looked like I was about to let him do whatever he wants. As I stood there, detached, flowing while he was making threats against me in a public place, and as I enjoyed my peaceful flow, he all of a sudden became self-conscious. Imagine being the only one fighting and no one is fighting you back. The girl you are trying to put down is actually enjoying herself, standing taller, unaware that you are powerful at all. How stupid did he look, red and angry as a bull, while I busy flowing? His fists was punching my wind. That’s flow. When he realized how stupid he looked, he started crying. Yes, a 6’5”, 220 pounder was crying like a baby, begging for forgiveness. Wu Wei quickly and easily allowed me to stay composed, and flow toward somebody much more enjoyable. You don’t have to clash with people, you just have to flow out of that experience.

Wu Wei, no force, or non-resistance is surprisingly easy to learn. When someone starts pushing obstacles in front of me, I simply let them. They get no reaction from me, I detach, and tune into myself. You’d be surprised by how quickly people stop threatening, conspiring, forcing anything when they see how ineffective they are in their own situation.

Relationships have become easier, not because I have some powerful technique to manipulate people with, and you should never think of this as a tool to prod others. I believe that control and manipulation are immoral, and a sign of low consciousness. It is stooping to an ultimate low to get others to act in your interest.

However, relationships are easier because they feel lighter, less bound by rules. Rather than negotiate terms of a relationship with someone whose flow is rigid, or someone who is anchored, I easily flow away from them, and toward someone who feels better to me. I stay for longer periods of time because we are more likely to be in sync, going in the same direction.

Wouldn’t you rather be with people whose presence feels awesome?  This question applies to all areas of your life. Wouldn’t you rather work with people who are as free and as non-resistant as you? Or would you rather tie yourself down to someone who is stubborn, occupying your time, making lists of things you should be doing, negotiating how you feel, and deciding when you should commit? They have a whistle, a clipboard and a deadline, and you are not progressing at the pace that suits them. How does that kind of relationship feel?

Wu wei is a concept of Taoism that means “inexertion”, “inaction”, or “effortless action”. It is not about being passive, but about bending with the wind, taking gentle action to adjust our sails. It is about being in alignment with nature, our external world, as well as our inner world and physical bodies. Everything in this world flows in cycles, there’s a natural ebb and flow, and the way to enjoy every moment is to effortlessly surrender to that flow.

Let people flow toward whatever suits them, and they will appreciate you more. All your friendships and relationships will feel healthier if you find your own flow, and catch your own current.

S

That negative voice in your head. Do you hear one? No, you are not crazy, it is what some meditation teachers refer to as the Monkey Mind. It talks incessantly, it has a mind of it’s own, it bounces from topic to topic, spinning it’s own truth which often has nothing to do with objective reality. Or does it? Have you ever listened to your Monkey Mind? If people heard what’s in my head, they would definitely think I’m bonkers. But everybody has it to varying degrees.

The Monkey Mind is usually thought of as a hindrance or a handicap because it interferes with focus, limits attention span, distracts us from thinking about what we want and focuses into seeing life’s obstacles, creates problems, sometimes we fight ourselves or other people in our mind.

As someone who has been meditating for 15+ years, I now see some benefits to observing what the Monkey Mind is talking about. Yes, in meditation, we are taught how to mute it, so that we can see beyond it. That is a tremendous power on its own, but after years of suspending it, I now see value in observing it. There is a lot of bad habits that your Monkey Mind has picked up from your daily life, and you might find astounding how those thoughts have become your practiced reality.

Sometimes my Monkey Mind won’t shut up, it keeps me up at night, and at other times it literally gives me a mental slap in the face. Only I am not listening. For years, like everyone else, I believed it to be a negative distraction, something to be shut off. At one point, it drove me crazy so much that meditation would no longer kill it, and I really considered asking for a prescription to dull it’s screaming voice. Then one day, I decided to actually listen to that annoying beast.

Take a pen and paper and keep it nearby as you go throughout your day. I even have a small notepad on my nightstand for those occasions when that Monkey won’t let me sleep at night. Write in as great a detail as you can, even when the thoughts and ideas repeat themselves. Do this for at least a week, a month preferably. Do you see a repeating story, a subject or idea you are stuck on, an anger or a fear that has been there for years, or a story that has actually become a real life problem?

Your mind serves an important purpose, and those seemingly useless thoughts are your body’s way of communicating with you. Spiritually speaking, there’s a higher purpose to mind-body communication, but for the purpose of this post, it is enough to say, Pay Attention! If you have anxiety, you know there are times when you can’t think clearly, if you are dealing with stress or painful circumstances, you may lose awareness, or have a hard time making logical decisions. Trust me, your mind is still operating, it is communicating with you in the best way it possibly can. It is literally screaming. All you have to do is listen.

It is astounding what I have realized about myself, my mistakes, my self-created obstacles, my personal failures, my self-sabotage, those problems I blamed on other people or unfortunate circumstance, once I started actually listening to my Monkey Mind as it keeps warning me on auto-repeat. Wow! Is that really me?

You see, I rely on meditation to ease anxiety, manage stress, but also, after many years of practice, I had some phenomenal experiences meditating that lead to it becoming a regular practice. I even found my personal power in the process. Thus, I always believed that my goal was to suspend the Monkey Mind in order to get into those higher mind states. Higher mental states are life altering experiences. Imagine not needing drugs to get high in less than 30 seconds, touching energy, seeing beyond what is right in front of your eyes. But, the mind still talks on auto-repeat, and don’t be fooled into thinking that those less high mind states are less important.

In fact, they are probably more important because those states are easier for novices to get into, and there is so much value to observing your mind. So, if you don’t like to meditate, you don’t have to. Take a pen and paper and start writing those crazy thoughts that pop into your head every few minutes. I wrote about 15 pages before my jaw dropped and I saw value in those words on paper. After 50 pages, I had some astounding realizations about my self and my own operating system.

At the risk of sounding insane, here is what I discovered. I am angry. I suppressed an anger that stemmed from childhood. I convinced myself that I dealt with it and moved on, but actually I just stomped all over it and suppressed it. Funny, that anger kept coming out and getting stronger after each failed romantic relationship. The Monkey Mind kept reminding me it is still there, I kept ignoring it. I have fear. Deep in the back of my mind, also in the pit of my stomach there is a fear that keeps bubbling up every -10 months. It is a ridiculous fear, but in the last few years that same fear has caused 2 car crashes, accidental physical injuries, etc. I see injustice in everyday situations and I play them over and over in my mind. This has caused me to say some inappropriate things to coworkers. I have had some inexplicable physical symptoms that my physician could not cure. They too made sense, when I started listening to my mind explain what I am doing wrong to my body.

It is amazing how we refuse to listen to our own mind. Why would we, it reminds us every minute of the day what we are doing wrong. It’s like that nagging mother we learn to tune out in our childhood. But the Monkey Mind is a beautifully designed mechanism that fits compactly into our head. Don’t you wish you had an app that could help you decipher yourself, waive a red flag when you are doing something stupid, warn you for the 150,000th time not to stick your finger into the electric socket?

I write about meditation a lot because I am in awe of the fantastical, mind-boggling, and empowering experiences I have had with it. But I do understand that it is not easy, and that some people don’t like to look within. If you have trouble mediating, you can still listen to your mind, by writing down your thoughts, in fact, go a step further, and write out your dreams too. They are even more powerful tools that allow you to witness your subconscious. If you live alone, talk to yourself out loud. You might hear yourself criticize or beat up on yourself, fight imaginary bad guys. Those mental fights and internal anger are just your attacks on your self. Don’t believe me?

When you are angry at a boss, a traffic cop, or your ex, where does the anger reside? Is the anger inside you, or is it inside the cop? It is yours. No matter how angry you get, you cannot put that feeling of anger inside another person. It resides firmly inside you. So who is it hurting? Only you. Who is your fear scaring? Only you. Who is your hate killing? Only you. Allow all these negative emotions to come out, don’t retaliate against your own thoughts. By allowing your monkey mind to speak, by releasing pent up emotions, you can now identify them.

The good news is that once you understand how you are hurting yourself, how your body responds to its own mind, how you create your own negative patterns, how you sabotage you own progress, it is very easy to change course. Don’t believe that it’s that easy to reverse years of negative self talk?

Imagine you are an athlete, a runner, and you noticed a very light, dull ache in your knee after each run. Of course that is normal for an athlete, so you quickly dismiss it. Only the ache persists. You keep ignoring it as long as you can still run. It takes moths, or years for the pain to get worse, but you are so used to it you can’t remember life without that annoying ache. Until one day, you hear a crunch, your knee freezes, and now you can no longer move. If you are paying attention to your own body, you know you caused the pain by yourself by running. At this point, will you stubbornly keep running? You can’t, it’s impossible, your brain knows any attempt to run will do more harm. Even if you took a painkiller, your understanding of how you have caused your body pain would stop you from running and seek medical attention. By that same token, awareness of what you are doing wrong with your thoughts, helps you to easily pause, then change your thoughts. Could you now go to your physician and tell her that the knee hurts because someone made you run too much? Could you convince yourself that the pain is caused by something else? You wouldn’t be able to once you become aware of how you created your own injury.

Awareness of your own thoughts is an extremely powerful self monitoring tool. It allows you to objectively see how you create your own issues, precipitate your own problems, project your negativity onto others, how you are sabotaging yourself. The beauty of this is that it allows you to make changes to your own behavior before that behavior turns into a permanent injury, a crime, an addiction or something that could cause lifelong problems.

The best part is that seeing your own Self as it truly is, allows you to make adjustments. You can now refocus, manage your thoughts, stop certain habits, and create new ones that will drive your life into a different direction.

Your Monkey Mind is like your personal GPS system. It warns you when you are about to derail yourself, and no matter how many wrong moves you make, it will always keep talking. “Course correction, make a U turn”, “Your wheel fell off because you kept driving into that pot hole over and over again. Didn’t you see the pothole you silly goose?”

Don’t fight your Monkey Mind, and don’t force it to shut off. Just, listen. Life’s most important realizations come from within.

S

A friend who is also in the private “Goddess” forum said something that truly resonated. “Women have to understand that they are they are the only ones who can determine their own value”. What did she mean? Often women derive their value by how men or the outside world treats them. Those women who get everything, or those girls who are treated like princesses must be valuable, but those who get kicked to the curb, must not be. That isn’t true at all. Often those are the same women. When a man needs a woman he treats her very well, and when she is spent or when he is done, he tosses the same woman aside. But women who derive their value from how others treat them will never have any value at all. Their self worth is based upon the behavior and opinions of others.

For most people it takes a lifetime to learn that we build our own self-worth. Most of us weren’t born with it, most of us had to learn the hard way that we have to value ourselves. For most women, these are just nice words that are rarely and often reluctantly put into practice. But, how people treat you is a reflection of how much you value yourself, so doesn’t it make sense to invest your time, money, your spirituality and your growth into yourself?

When I was young, I rebelled against my parents because they thought that their words should have a greater impact on what I do and how I feel about myself, which I knew was demeaning. But, later when I was married, yes I derived much of my self-worth from how my ex treated me (luckily he treated me very well), and how happy he was with the marriage. (eeew, but yes, that was me). Later, as I experimented with many men for almost a decade, I realized that the only ones who valued me were the ones who admired my boundaries, my ease of saying No, my willingness to stand up to them, even lose them. The ones who did not respect me were the ones who crossed my boundaries easily, without me putting up much of a fight.

So, while there may be low quality men in this world, you can’t blame your low value on how they treat you. You have to take responsibility for finding worth within yourself. When the only way you can feel loved is when the man shows you his love, you will always fall short. No human could possibly love you the way you should love yourself.

Building self worth is a long and painful process. It takes years. But, it is the best investment I ever made. When your level of worth is much higher than any person could give you, relationships become much easier. A lot of low value people will not even bother to approach you. A high value woman is “too much effort” and low value men like them nice and easy. A lot of mediocre men will try you for their own amusement, and give up when they see you don’t give attention to what doesn’t meet your personal standards. Those people will fall out of your life easily too. And a lot of high value men, will first test you. All healthy humans value character, integrity, truth, honesty and authenticity, so don’t be surprised nor offended when people test that. When you are all that, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone except the few you are interested in. Trust me, they will easily recognize you.

I now see myself as Teflon. All greasy, slimy men fall off me 🙂 There’s nothing they could say to hold my attention nor stick to me. But all the value I posses is my own. I built it, so I own it. No one can take my value away by offending me, making me distrust myself, making me feel insecure, questioning my judgment. I know myself, I trust myself, I respect myself, I own myself. How can anyone take away that Self that I created?

Today, all this seems very easy. But, like everyone else who earned value, I had to earn it through blood, sweat and tears. But, that friend who said that we are the determining factor of our own value wasn’t exaggerating. You have no value at all, unless you build it all by yourself. Otherwise, your value is dependent on others, and that can easily be taken away.

S

That one limiting factor that scares women from walking away is having no place to go. Having no destination is that difficult circumstance that blocks women from leaving controlling lovers, toxic friends, dead-end jobs. Here is how to walk away purposefully, powerfully, and confidently.

Walking away is the most powerful move any human can make. It is a well known fact, that in any relationship, whether romantic, friendship or work situation, it is the person who cares the least who has the most power, and the person who cares or needs the situation the most has the least power.  Healthy relationships should not be a power struggle, but often we find ourselves in situations with people for whom control is the definition of a relationship. They simply cannot relate to another, nor feel safe in a situation unless they have complete control. And rather than relate, they manipulate people and situations until those people and situation conform to their needs and wants. Is that healthy?

Walking away is a practical life skill no one should ever feel insecure about. Walking away is a choice, you are choosing yourself as opposed to that toxic situation, and there is nothing more honorable than to honor the self. It seems cold, callous, unsympathetic. We have discussed the cost of catering to other people’s needs and sympathies countless times. But a lot of women fear walking away. Yes, they fear it. Why?

“How will I live without friends?”, “What will people think of me?” “I am not an uncaring person, I’ll just give this toxic person another chance”.  How about that toxic work environment, or that parent who drains the life out of you? Our livelihood and our parents are keys to our survival, but sometimes our devotion to something that isn’t bettering our existence, is a devotion to self-sabotage.

The concept of walking away is misrespresented. Women who walk away easily are referred to by all kinds of names, yet for men walking away easily is a sign of manhood. Why? Shouldn’t a woman respect herself enough? Shouldn’t a woman make choices that honor her? Why is a woman expected to whine, cry, or have a hard time leaving? Are we really supposed to be devoted to difficult people, disserving situations, dead-end relationships, and painstakingly deliberate between choices that honor us and choices that honor other people? Somehow, to a lot of people, service to others makes a woman proper, caring, a real woman, but the other kind, the kind of woman who honors herself first is calculating, shrewd, cold, unfeeling. I have feelings, but I won’t be a victim to those feelings. I have a heart, but when my heart is bleeding, I will honor that heart first, and tend to it rather than destroy my self-respect for the benefit of other people.

Walking away was a skill I picked up at a young age, it was a matter of my own survival. And I learned right away, that when I walk away from people and situations that don’t honor me, I am more powerful, more confident, more respecting of the self. What I wasn’t expecting is that this skill has earned me the respect of a lot of people. Sure, the toxic people you leave behind will resent you forever, but the healthy ones who are watching your every move will take note.

Walking away from difficult, toxic bosses, has earned me career respect. Other executives were watching and noticed that I don’t bow down and submit to disrespectful treatment. I have taken pay cuts, demotions, been called “difficult” for having an opinion, but people were watching. The first thing that happened was that coworkers started asking if they could work for me. Why? They felt safe and honored by me. I won’t throw coworkers under the bus for having the guts to tell me when I am wrong.

The second thing that happened is that those no-nonsense executives who value good work with no drama started inviting me to join their projects. A lot of good managers value honor over politics, they value strong opinions, in fact, they surround themselves with people who don’t bullshit, are capable of validating their opinions with quantifiable facts, and won’t pay to have their egos stroked.

Walking away and choosing your honor first is difficult, but it is valued by honorable people. What kind of people do you want in your life? I didn’t start practicing honoring myself 100% of the time until my 40’s. For decades I felt guilty, I doubted my stubbornness, and like many women out there, I actually believed that there is something wrong with me for leaving toxic people behind. Why can’t I tolerate more? Why can’t I make peace with that manipulator? I must not be a people person, I don’t possess people skills. Wrong.

I do possess people skills, and people do appreciate that. I honor people who act honorably. I don’t honor everybody else. I respect people who have earned my respect, I don’t respect those who demand it. In fact, demanding respect is a red-flag. In my choice to walk away, I am choosing to walk toward healthy friends and relationships, I am always walking toward more happiness, more health, more knowledge, more growth, more experience. Yes, in order to have those better options in life, you do have to walk away from whoever or whatever is keeping you stuck. You can’t earn anything in life unless you are willing to walk in that direction.

What makes walking away easier is 100% devotion to honor. That’s not easy, to many of us that feels selfish. You will get guilted and shamed for choosing your own happiness over others’. Back when I felt guilty for choosing my sanity, my health and me, I struggled to explain why I won’t be loyal to anyone but myself. Somehow, you are supposed to have the loyalty of a dog, and struggle through toxic situations, and remain devoted to them forever. Nope, not me. What made it easier was to say that I am loyal to happiness, health, wealth, positivity, knowledge, growth, expansion, and discovering my own path. No one can argue with that.

Don’t let anyone tell you that walking away is cold, callous or mean. Walking away is your super-power. It demonstrates your self-respect. Anyone who will guilt you for respecting yourself, or try to negotiate a longer stay in what isn’t serving you, does not have your best interest in mind. They have their own.

There are two very important factors to walking away. The word No, and direction. ‘No’ is the most powerful word in the world, and it is a signature word of a woman with strong boundaries. Practice the word No frequently, get comfortable saying it with no other explanation and no apology, start saying it to those people who are the most difficult to say it to. Trust me, it gets easier and easier, until saying No frees you from guilt or their judgment. The second factor to walking away successfully, is direction. You must know what you are walking towards, or people will drag you back to them.

The absence of direction in life is perceived as you having no goals or options, and that makes it easier for people to take up your time, and use your energy toward meeting their needs. You must always have a clear direction to walk to. For example, a man who knows you have no other options can easily keep you bound to him. Where are you going to go? A boss who knows you are not ambitious, knows you are not interviewing and that no other employer is making you any offers. Will she willingly offer you a raise? A friend who knows you are starving for friendships and relationships knows you are not surrounded by better people, and that you will always do whatever it takes to maintain good standing with her.

You will never walk away unless you have a direction to walk in. So, where are you going? When you lack direction, you are easily caught up in the affairs of other people. You start tending to their needs. They won’t value your time, because your time is free and not focused on anything important. They help you be useful by letting you tend to their needs. You become their utility. Why not, you have nothing better to do?

Having direction does not mean that you have to have some high-reaching life goal to change the world. Your goal can be you, and your direction can be your path of self discovery, learning, balance.

People will respect your walking away when they see how easily you maintain your boundaries using the word No, and when they see that you have clear direction when you are walking away.

Think of it this way. When you were a child, did you ever pack your tiny suitcase and try to run away? How far did you get? Chances are that your parents found your plight amusing, maybe they even let you go, because they knew you weren’t going far. With just a dollar of quarters in your pocket, and a few goldfish crackers in your belly, they had nothing to worry about. They knew you’d be back by dinner time.  Do you see now why walking away fails for a lot of women who can’t say no, and have no direction?

Controllers, manipulators, toxic bosses, bad lovers and friends know a loyal dog when they see one. Where would the dog go when there are no other neighbors to feed it? The dog will always be loyal to whoever feeds it.

No one will respect your time, friendship, or work when they see how freely you give it away, how few options you have, how easily you can be swayed to participate in their affairs, how you lack a better place to go. And if you find walking away so difficult and painful, perhaps it is because you have no better place to be. Perhaps you haven’t made that better circle of friends, you have not updated your resume or sent in any applications, perhaps your parents know you’re not moving out of their basement and that you won’t move far from their fridge.

Walking away gets easier with time, because it forces you to always have a direction. Walking away is powerful for women with options, and impossible for people with no options. Your walk away from any situation is totally dependent on you having something to walk toward. You won’t go far without a destination.

S

How would you recognize your soulmate, or the mate to your soul? What is so different about a relationship with your soulmate or what I call your perfect counterpart, as opposed to a relationship with anybody else?

The difference is in how you reached that person. The difference is in the path. A wise friend said “The perfect counterpart is someone that you can only experience harmonious union with while you are in harmonious union with yourself.” In other, less harmonious and less healthy connections, the relationship crumbles when one person aligns with his or her true self, finds his or her true path, while the other person struggles to adjust and align himself to that.

Those connections don’t last long, but they are still valuable teachers. Those connections teach us balance. As long as we struggle to balance ourselves with the relationship or with the other person, we throw ourselves out of balance. Through years of trial and error with various relationships, we always lose our balance when we try to align ourselves with someone outside ourselves. For many people, this lesson lasts a lifetime. They repeatedly try to align themselves with other people rather than align with their true self. In the process they lose themselves, they lose their identity, they lose their pride, they lose their stability. Those relationships seem like a losing game, and many people eventually throw in the towel, give up on looking for the One completely, and then through some much needed solitude, unintentionally find a connection to themselves.

What happens when we connect with that self? We fall in love with who we are, what we have, our circumstances, our life. After all this is all our creation. In this space, the lucky few begin to appreciate their losses, their failures, all their bruises and scars. The process of connecting to the self is long, most people can’t be bothered with it. But for the few who manage to connect, this is a life altering experience.

It is a time for self-discovery, learning, inner growth, editing, discarding beliefs that no longer serve us. The process cleanses us and lightens our load. There is a dark side to the process, it is much more uncomfortable, yet still an enlightening experience. Make no mistake, this is a long journey, one that most people will give up on. However, it is all worthwhile. In that process, we achieve harmonious union with ourselves. We became unshakably loyal to our inner being, our inner truth, to our selves. Other people cease to be as important to us as we are to ourselves. We understand that others cannot create our happiness, and as we gain balance within ourselves, create our own energy, feed our own soul, we reach a state of self reverence. It is the ideal place to be for a being who has mastered herself.

In this state of self-reverence, we all become more attractive to others. In fact, we become magnets for both balanced and imbalanced people. Balanced people, who are like us, acknowledge us, enjoy our company, but stay balanced on their own. Unfortunately, we become extremely attractive to the imbalanced ones too. Why wouldn’t we, we are the epitome of stability, strength, wisdom, truth and alignment.

At this point it is extremely important to become discerning about friendships and romantic relationships. People see in us what they lack within themselves, and often become attracted to what we can provide. Unfortunately, most of them have not achieved balance or alignment, and often seek to lean on us, or extract from us what they lack within themselves. Having given a few of these relationships a chance, I learned the hard way that there is absolutely nothing that I can do for a person who has not achieved their own balance, or done their own inner work. As well meaning as I am, I fail every time.  Those relationships drain me, destabilize me, take away from the quality of my own life. I don’t blame anything on them, my willingness to give energy shows that I too can still lose balance. I need to strengthen my own alignment.

However, I do notice that as time goes by, I am more able to remain aligned despite who is near me. I now determine the health of a relationship by checking in with myself and measuring my balance, asking myself whether I am leaning on someone or is someone leaning on me, how centered am I as the relationship progresses?

I do find that now, after a decade of doing work on myself, I appreciate people who too have done that work. I value their experiences, I can learn from what they have become. I am better able to discern potential relationships by paying attention to the person’s inner world (if they have one), and am more apt to see what they need from me, and what they hope to achieve through the relationship.

But my most valued tool for assessing how balanced the other person is, is remaining in continued alignment with myself. When I can maintain that for short periods of time, I can easily filter out those men who struggle to find their equilibrium and their own power in my presence. What happens most often is that with my awareness locked into myself, they struggle to find my weakness, a need, a crack in my foundation, a way to gain a foothold as they climb up to my tower. They often fall flat on their faces. I don’t help them stand up. Others play feeble mind games, or employ trickery like NLP to control my attention. It doesn’t work, but it helps me identify them.

When I can maintain my alignment for extended periods of time, I am in harmonious union with myself. Some who have achieved this state claim that it is lonely at the top. I think there are fewer people up here who can maintain their alignment for so long. However, here we instantly recognize each other, we resonate with each other, we are among equals. There is nothing to prove to anyone, because we all ARE. There is no asking anything of anyone, because we all HAVE. There is no seeking, because we have all found ourselves. There is no leaning on other people, we are all balanced. Can you imagine how harmonious relationships are among people who aren’t seeking to gain anything from anyone, when no one is feeding off anyone, when all people have completed themselves? There may be fewer people here, but they are all enjoyable.

Relationships should be enjoyable, they should be in independent harmony, they should reflect our highest values. As long as they are not that, relationships are just our teachers. How many excellent teachers have I had? I am grateful for the life lessons, I hope they all found what they were looking for, I wish them nothing but the best that life can offer. But, I am in that place where I can hold on to my own alignment and maintain my own balance, and those who haven’t achieved that are not my equals. I wish them a pleasant journey.

S

Have you ever thought, hey, maybe it’s me? Maybe, there’s nothing wrong with him, him, nor him. Is it possible that something might be wrong with me? After all, aren’t these negative dating patterns happening to me? Not other people. Very few people can be so self-reflective to ask themselves that difficult question, could this pattern of self-sabotage, chasing the wrong men, allowing crossed boundaries, participating in toxic behavior indicate that I am toxic too? I said that once to a Goddess in training, and she got so angry at me, she turned beet red and screamed how can you say that to me? Well, if you keep finding yourself in toxic situations over and over again, if you keep repeating situationships with toxic men, it is quite likely that the pattern is your own and that you are toxic too.

It takes two to tango. No one can push you into a relationship you don’t want to be in, no one can make you text him at 2am all your frustrations, no one can play a mind game with you unless you willingly play too, you can’t stay in toxic relationships for months then expect to not be toxic too. So, is it possible that you have had many negative dating experiences, accumulated a lot of toxic beliefs and low expectations, and rather than work on yourself to shed those bad habits, you keep projecting them into men, expecting certain kind of treatment, and choosing men who fit a past pattern? They look and act familiar, they match your own level of toxicity, they are willing to meet you in your mutual mind game, and every time the relationship goes wrong, you feel validated that your belief system is true and that your predictions about the connection are quite accurate. It makes no sense to keep repeating the same pattern and blame the pattern on the other person, when the pattern is happening to you. It is YOUR pattern. It’s your own dating script. It is your relationship blueprint. Whom shall we work on?

Yet, a lot of men and women keep chasing the prize, marriage, relationship, a soul-mate, a binding agreement, not realizing that they are not healthy enough to even be in such a situation. What could you possibly bring to that new relationship? Your old self? That same old blueprint you tried and failed with a dozen times?

I have worked with some professional women who themselves are therapists, and they too are incapable of looking within, admitting their own broken love circuits, and who insist that bad relationships are happening to them because men are bad And then, I have met with some who are eager to do work on themselves, they immerse themselves in every latest spiritual and psychology book, they love their new therapist, and then they drop everything the very moment a man asks them out. ‘It’s working! My therapy worked, there’s a healthy man in my life!’ They drop everything and disappear, and a few weeks or months later, they have sunk to an all time low. Why? They never found out what is wrong with themselves.

If you don’t have the answers to the following questions, you really shouldn’t be dating anyone.

1) Can you describe your own toxicity? Many women answer this question with an answer that shifts the blame on the man. “Well, I keep selecting toxic men, so that is my problem”. Nope. What part of YOU is toxic? What are your own toxic habits? What beliefs and toxic thoughts do you keep playing in your head like a broken record? What past patterns do you keep chasing, and repeating again and again? Can you write a chapter on what makes you toxic? Women who have not done any work will have nothing to say about their own toxicity. They are sure that they are victims of flawed men.

2) Am I able to identify red-flags, questionable behavior, personality traits of toxic people, can I monitor my boundaries and successfully act when there is a security breach? Most women can spot the red flags in hindsight. They see questionable behavior up front, make an excuse for it, brush it under the carpet, and then wonder why they are blindsided by that same behavior later in the relationship.

3) Am I capable of exiting a toxic relationship quickly, without willfully being dragged into more drama? Again, most women don’t exit, most will stay in the situation as if it has more power over them than they do. But if you don’t know how to leave, why are you chasing relationships? All the pain in a situation stems from not being able to leave what is hurting you. If you are still not capable of leaving unhealthy people and situations behind, if you are hurt by having to act in your own best interest, then you are not healthy enough to date.

4) Do I have any addictions? Am I codependent? What unrealistic expectations do I have of men that they refuse to deliver? Should I change my expectations, or continue chasing men who refuse to give me what I want? A lot of women are addicted to rejection, addicted to relationships, addicted to mind games, addicted to their own toxic patterns. Many women ARE exactly what they accuse the men of being. The only way they can relate to a human is to control and manipulate, trade feelings for actions or behavior, then they wonder why he wants to escape control.

I will write a longer list of signs that you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship, and please add your own below. But, the healthy thing to do is to begin with yourself. Take a long time-out from men and relationships, and give yourself the time and space to figure yourself out. You are not going to lose out on some opportunity, there’s no shortage of men in the world. As long as women are here, the men are not going anywhere. That’s my guarantee. But if you keep playing with men on some low relationship level, it is because you haven’t graduated from that low level. You are on the same level as they are.

I highly recommend going on a man diet- no men, no relationships, no flirtationships, no dating for 1-2 years until you feel balanced and clear. What can you do right now, today, to reflect upon yourself?

Pretend that you are writing an autobiography about your unhealthy relationship habits. Write a few chapters about your own dating history, what repeated patterns have you identified in your own relationships, where did you learn these patterns, what have you not resolved that makes these patterns repeat. Pinpoint your own toxicity and what toxic habits do you bring into the relationship from day one. If you feel like blaming a man for a bad treatment, look within yourself to answer why you allow that treatment? Why do I keep interacting with abusive men after I have identified the abuse? Why do I open the door and let them in? What am I seeking from that experience? Why do I refuse to leave? Why do I refuse to say No? Don’t criticize yourself or beat yourself up. The purpose of this is to objectively identify your own toxic patterns and habits so that you can face them, understand them, and resolve them.

Bad relationships don’t keep happening to you, they ARE you. You are not ready for a new man, until you have stopped a repeating pattern from the past. And please don’t jump into relationships if you have trouble leaving them. Would you dive into a pool, if you don’t know how to swim? The relationship won’t take care of itself, a man won’t take care of it for you. You have to be able to take good care of yourself, and leaving a bad situation behind swiftly and easily is a sign of a healthy and self-respecting woman. Can you leave easily? Or do you complain when you have to save your life?

S

Is it smart to let men take the lead in relationships? Think about it, how is that smart? How is it smart to let him be in charge of the outcome? Is it smart to allow him to think that commitment is totally his decision? Is it smart to be in suspense while he is exploring other options and thinking about whom to keep seeing, whom to eliminate, who is too much trouble to deal with? Is it smart to let him dictate the terms of the connection, then go with his flow, when you are truly after a totally different kind of connection?

I don’t think so. I do believe that you can give him the perceived lead, when that illusion allows you to observe what is he truly after, who is he on the inside, what is his agenda, how much effort he is making, where is he when he is not with you, is he emotionally healthy? Placing him in the perceived lead is your own strategy,  that allows you to see his motive. Just watch and learn. Pay attention, ask a few questions, but use his perceived lead to gather pertinent information so that you can make the right decision for yourself.

Ultimately, it is 100% up to you whether he gets to go forward or gets eliminated. However, most women don’t understand that the entire connection is entirely up to her. He may be knocking on your door, but if you are not paying attention to figure out what he wants, you are wasting your time letting him in.

Who is truly in the lead? You are. The woman says Yes or No. The woman allows behaviors, allows treatment, loosens and tightens boundaries, and ultimately decides if and when there will be sex. Do you realize that all those things are totally up to you, and that he has nothing unless you grant him the permission to work towards you.

In their false belief that the man decides exactly what he wants, and that they simply go along with it until he has chosen them, many women disempower themselves, place themselves at his mercy, wait around for him to grace them with his attention, sex or disappearing act. Take control ladies. It is not up to him at all, it is totally up to you what you say yes to. It is not up to him to take you out on three dates then expect sex, if and when you have sex is totally up to you. It is not up to him to state he wants no commitment right now, and for you to accept that, then use sex as a last ditch effort to keep him. It is up to you to say no to that before you feed him what he wants for free. It is not up to him to decide that he can have four women at the same time, it is up to you to decide if you will be one of them. It is not up to him to decide I like you, let’s see where this goes, and for you to stay in suspense indefinitely, it is up to you to refuse to be in suspense. If you have no clear vision of where this is going, trust me it is going nowhere.

If men are truly after one thing, then why give it to him unless he has proven his devotion to you, only you, and no one else but you? Can a man prove that in three dates? How long does it take to build your trust, your confidence, your admiration?

If you and I met for the first time, we had a lot of chemistry, went out for drinks, and I asked you on the first outing to lend me a $1000, would you give it to me? No way, you’d want me to earn your trust and good friendship first. Can I earn it after three dinners? No, you still wouldn’t give me the money. You might wait until we become good friends, you’d vet my credibility, trustworthiness, my history, my ability to repay, you’d ask around, but you would be suspicious why does this woman want a $1000 from me? Either you would do your homework, or you’d be turned off that a new acquaintance with no history of proven friendship is asking for money, and you would walk away. Something is fishy here.

Yet, most women think it is just fine to get emotionally invested when he decides that it is time to get emotional. You’re a grownup, you know men bank on your emotions to get what they want, so why be flattered and excited when he is using emotions? You’re letting him lead you to what he wants, when it is totally up to you to determine what you want. The next step is never his decision. Unfortunately, by waiting around for him to make a decision and declare his next step, most women hand him their power.

So, how to remain always in the lead? By not giving him what he wants the day you meet him. I am not talking about playing games with men, or teasing them.  You are not bait. I am talking about deciding in the first 30 seconds of meeting someone, how much attention they are truly worth. It is up to you to decide how much of your smile he gets, how many pleasantries you are willing to exchange, and up to you to determine when is enough for you, then walk away. Practice that. Practice setting time limits on strangers. Practice walking away from men you don’t want anything from.

If he is not sleepable, datable, or of any interest to you, why are you still giving him attention? You are handing him on a silver platter what he is used to, free, unearned, unqualified attention. And you are exposing yourself to negotiating your attention with people you have not deemed worthy of your time. Your time is valuable, but you are sharing it with anyone who keeps talking.

You arrive on your first date, and right away you see something off putting. Do you suffer through the whole date? A nice girl would do that, but how long would a man tolerate a woman’s off putting behavior before he disappears? You don’t owe anyone your time. By giving free time to anyone to has reserved you for an hour, you are compromising your standards. Politely excuse yourself, be honest, no need to be an asshole, but walk away because you don’t need to be there if you already know he is an ass.

It is a few days later, and his level of communication or texting is confusing. It may be gross, lewd, detached, whatever you don’t want, stop giving attention to it. If you want a man who is texting you actively and making concrete plans, those are the texts you should be answering in a timely manner, and if you don’t like his texts, if they don’t indicate a sincere human with genuine interest in you, why play the texting game? It’s not for you. Again, you decide if his texts will continue or get blocked.

Several dates later, he wants to get physical. Okay, but do you want it? Stop and process this question. Do you actually want to get physical, or are you doing to it because it is the third date and that indicates some sort of a milestone. Are you going for it because you think that sex will seal some sort of an unspoken deal? Or are you going for it because you truly want his body? Be honest with yourself.

At this point, you may not be physically attracted to him at all. Tradition says to give him a chance anyway. He might become attractive later. Kiss that frog and it might turn into a prince. Tradition states that a good girl would give an unattractive man a chance to prove himself. It’s not your job to kiss frogs. If you are not attracted to him, it is solely up to you to act in your own best interest. Don’t go beyond this point.

At this point you may have no indication of his future intentions. At this point you may not have the relationship you desire. At this point he may not have convinced you that he is only seeing you. At this point, if you hand him sex on a silver platter in hopes that some day it will lead to a relationship, you have traded your power away. Why have sex with a men you are unsure of? They don’t become princes later. I have a friend with benefits for that purpose, so that I don’t have to give anyone anything that I don’t want to give. Seriously, consider getting one too.

Many women have been lead to believe that only time will tell if he is the one. No girl, only you will tell if he is the one. They have been lead to believe that they need to give men chances. They have been lead to believe not to trust their own gut, but to allow plenty of time and space to turn a frog into a prince. No amount of time or space has turned a frog into a prince. That has never happened. Quit wasting your own time. You know a frog when you see one, why doubt your own eyes?

What could you do instead of sex? You could continue to observe. You could watch his behavior and learn who he is as a person. You could ask questions and wait until all your questions have been answered before you decide you have enough clarity about his motives, his emotional availability, his commitment. This is the time you study whether he is being emotionally available at all, whether he is faking it, whether he even has the capacity to tap into that part of him. Why would you wait for him to disappear to determine he was never emotionally available at all? It’s a bit too late at that point.

Don’t have sex with men who have not given you 100% clarity, then proven it with actions not words, that they are taking actionable steps toward the relationship you want. Do not hand him a blueprint or your checklist, because with that any narcissist will follow your instructions on how to get to you. An honest man, with honest intentions to have an honest relationship doesn’t need an instruction manual on how to connect to you on a human level.

Would you go into business with a partner you don’t know? Would you determine what that potential partner has to bring to the table, or would you give him 50% of your business just for the asking? He asked, so I’ll just give him my business, and hope for the best? You wouldn’t do that. You’d do a ton of due diligence, hire a lawyer to pore over every part of that contract, you’d investigate your partner’s work history, credit worthiness, strengths and weaknesses, you’d interview his past employers and partners, and if things appeared shady, you wouldn’t go forward with the deal.

Unfortunately, to a lot of women, men appear shady up front, but they hand him their power as soon as possible, then accuse of him being shady after he disappears. Your homework was to determine whether 2+2 equals 4 up front, to determine if his stories are true, if he truly is who he claims to be, if he actually is that man of your dreams. Be honest, you knew that he wasn’t long ago, you just let him lead you to this point.

So, I ask again: How smart is it to put a man in the lead of a relationship? Where do you think he will drive this relationship? Go ahead, hand him the keys to the relationship, then guess where he will drive it. Do you think he will steer it where he wants it to go, or where you want it to go? Think long at hard, how ridiculous is it to let him drive in whatever direction he wants to go?

As ridiculous as this sounds, this is how a lot of women end up married to tricksters. Or they end up being dragged for years in relationships going nowhere for no reason than to go for the ride. Be honest, how many times have you been taken for a ride?

How smart is it to put a man in the lead of a relationship? It’s not smart at all. It’s a poor choice, utterly stupid, and you know you are going to regret this later. Would you tell your daughter to passively wait and see what he does, where he wants the connection to go, wait until he decides, and in the mean time smile, be nice, give his some sex to see if he likes it? You’d never allow your daughter to be in that position!

How did women get this idea? This ridiculous notion that a man should be in the lead of relationships has been around for hundreds of years. It sounds like something out of a 1950‘s dating manual. Oh wait, dating and relationship gurus still swear by this tactic! What exactly is he in the lead of? I’m waiting in suspense to find out.

Ladies, you own cars, you have your own keys, start driving wherever you want that car to go. Sure, it takes two willing and equally committed participants to make a relationship, and you can’t drag him tied to the back of your car. But if he is showing you no signs of meeting your needs, if he isn’t attractive enough, if he isn’t going in the direction you are going, why are you waiting for him to decide anything? The last thing he should be receiving from you is sex. He doesn’t even warrant a phone call.

If you are not used to being in charge of relationships, practice. In between relationships, when I am not seeing anyone worth my time, I enjoy saying No with great pleasure. No, is the most powerful word in the universe, so get used to using it to limit people’s unearned access to you. ‘No, I can’t listen to you any more,’ ‘No, I wouldn’t enjoy that drink with you’, ‘No, I have no intention of sleeping with you at all’, ‘No, you misjudged my interest’, ‘No, I really can’t give you a chance’, ‘No, I’d rather dine alone’, ‘No, you can’t increase your offer, my time is not for sale’.

When a man is in charge of the relationship, most women are in a passive wait and see state of mind, which usually amounts to a lot of confusion. Why wouldn’t you be confused if only he knows what’s going on in this relationship? Why wouldn’t you be going crazy, you just handed him your sanity and are waiting to see what he will do with it? Why wouldn’t you be paralyzed and in suspense if you are willingly playing his waiting game?

The only way to put a stop to it is to take the wheel. Who decides where your car is going?

If he isn’t going in your direction, why let him get into your car? That passenger in your car is just wasting your gas and toll money while he decides where he wants to go. Pull over and tell him to get out. Now.

How many men have been a complete waste of your time? Ask yourself this question: In that same time period, have you been a waste of their time? Probably not because you have been giving them a free ride all along. If you gave them a ride, if you waited around to see what they want, if you stroked their ego, if you made him feel like a man, you wasted a ton of premium gas on nothing. Stop giving men free rides. That begins with stopping the free attention, stopping the wait and see game, stopping being nice to every man you don’t know. Most of all, stop following dating rules. They are a road map to nowhere. They are a trap for women who don’t know what they want or how to get there. They are a trap for passive women who like to hand over the keys to whoever wants a ride.

Please be advised that I AM NOT urging you to lead unwilling men into a relationship and start driving. Instead, I am telling you to put the brakes on anything that is confusing, misleading, time wasting, a mind game, disrespectful, unattractive, going nowhere. I wrote many times about what happens when we ignore people’s wants, and assume our way into relationships. The consequences of that are toxic. But, you are 100% in charge if a man can move forward with you. You have to put the brakes on anything that is not moving in your direction.

So, what to do instead? To truly take the power in every relationship, you must begin from day 1, that first moment you give anyone your attention. Do not give attention to anyone you don’t find attractive enough, or anyone who isn’t sleepable, dateable or whatever You need him to be. Don’t agree to the first date unless you truly have an interest in him. Are you going on this date because he asked you out, because you have nothing better to do, or you want to try that latest restaurant? None of those reasons are reason enough to give someone your time. What is?  Ask yourself if you would have asked him out? Is he interesting enough for you to want to pursue? If not, you actually don’t have interest, you are dating out of boredom. Don’t be there.

Like Seinfeld said, 99.99% of people in the world are unsleepable. Why would you hand them your time? You disempower yourself the minute you say yes to someone or something you don’t truly want.

On the first date, make sure you are actually enjoying him. Is his company enjoyable or is it a drag? Is he attractive or off putting? This isn’t about whether the restaurant is nice, whether the food is good, it is all about is he attractive enough to you now? Is he showing you something you want, or is he looking like someone you don’t want? Your judgment should be on him, not on the food or the price tag of the meal. Remember, you don’t owe him more time than it takes to figure out if you want him. You don’t owe him a second date, you don’t owe him more chances. If he is absolutely offensive, you don’t have to stay there and wait it out. People say it is unladylike to be impolite, I say take back your power and leave if he is an asshole. Do not let an asshole own your time by paying for your dinner. Pay your share and leave. Old fashioned traditions empower and embolden men, they leave women at their mercy. They call polite women classy. Is enduring unwanted attention your version of class?

In any given moment you have to act in your own best interest and if giving him your time and energy feels unpleasant, you don’t need to drain yourself. Contrary to dating manuals, it isn’t rude to leave an unpleasant date, it is rude for a rude man to expect you to tolerate his rudeness.

Assuming you are still interested, take as many dates as you need to ascertain who he is, what he wants, how committed he is, how likely is he to remain in a relationship, how emotionally available and healthy he is, and feel free to exit any time. It is easier to exit when you are not emotionally invested, so if sex is your weakness don’t have any.

You have to accept the fact that any man will exit the relationship if he isn’t getting what he wants, and it is your prerogative to exit a connection if you are not getting what you want. It is much better that he exits before you have had sex, than after. You are weeding men out, not asking them to stay in the running. If he exits, let him. It is a sign that he has not shown you any qualities that warrant sex, intimacy, or emotion. Save your energy for someone who can give you that.

How long it takes you to ascertain his worthiness is solely up to you. If you are still not convinced after 3, 7 or 10 months, stop him from wasting your time. You don’t owe it to him to keep trying. You lost nothing, you didn’t give him sex or emotions. You remained detached, in observation mode until he shows you qualities you like, want and need.

How many times have you discovered unacceptable qualities in men long after you are emotionally attached to him? Could you have found those qualities before you gave him anything? That is the goal.

If you want a man to prove that he is relationship material, then let him audition as your boyfriend. Most women are the ones auditioning because they are used to giving up everything, placing all their cards on the table, then hope he doesn’t walk away with her cards. That’s what you get for following dating manuals and tradition.

You should be auditioning a few men at a time. That is easy to do when you are not sleeping with any of them. You are not wasting your energy on anyone when they are the ones doing the work to convince you they are worth your time, attention, presence and consideration. Remain detached, observe, do your homework, make judgments. Yes, use your best judgment to judge who is in your best interest. There is nothing wrong with that.

Never waste attention or time on men you have no intention of dating. A lot of insecure men ask for friendship because they know they won’t have to do the hard work, and as a friend they don’t have to pass tough harsh scrutiny. They hope to catch a few breadcrumbs in your weakest moments, maybe you’ll accidentally find yourself in his arms. Don’t let men use your friendship to access your energy. Some men are happy with crumbs.

Also, waste no time on men who have no intention of giving you anything serious. Don’t let them suck you in with the wait and see game, the “I don’t know what I want” game, the “you need to complete with other women” game, the “I have too many options” game. If he is showing you his options, why are you still looking at him? It’s a game. Don’t play it. It is totally up to you whether you decide to stay in suspense. Block it right away, so the game doesn’t drain you.

So, for the last time, is it smart to let men take the lead in relationships? Take the lead woman. You already have what he wants. You don’t have to give it to him until you are fully satisfied.

S

Don’t let a man negotiate how you feel about him. He showed you he is an asshole, you think he is an asshole, but he doesn’t like that you think he is an asshole. Guess what, he still is an asshole. The worst thing a woman can do is question her own judgment. And that usually happens when we don’t trust ourselves, or don’t feel confident enough to stand up for our own opinion. Often women are made to feel guilty for being judgmental. I see nothing to feel guilty about. Good judgment is a sign of a sound mind. Often women are shamed for their opinion, or for daring to make a man not feel like a man. Well, if his manhood depends on how others feel about him, he’s got no manhood at all.

Assholes often have like-minded friends, and those friends will often jump to his rescue when they see he needs help to preserve his reputation. Friends will stick up for the nice guy automatically, and gang up on whoever dared to make their friend feel less than. It’s no wonder that most women would back out of their own judgment than face a firing squad of other assholes. If you back off, and change your opinion of him to win the approval of assholes, you are stepping on a grenade. You just showed him that he can be an asshole, and that you will change your mind at the first sign of pressure.

A couple was fighting because he said something that was deeply offensive to her, and he was trying to negotiate her opinion of him. She called him an asshole, a chauvinist, and a pig. He laughed, and argued with her for a minute, then changed his tactic. “Okay, I take back what I said, my apologies”, and with a bit of sweet talking, she said “Okay, you’re not an asshole, even though that comment was absolutely offensive”. Wow girl, did you forget he offended you a minute ago?

Does taking back what he said change what he said? If he is allowed to take back what he said, does that mean that his opinion on the subject is now changed? If he takes back something offensive, does the woman owe it to him to not be offended?

When a man doesn’t like how you perceive him, do you let him bully you into perceiving him more favorably? Do you let him buy you something to show you that he is now a nice guy? Come on ladies, honor your own opinion.

A man will never take you seriously when he sees that your opinion of him can be bought. “Let me buy you lunch to make it up to you.” Does that work on you? Is your price tag higher than lunch? If your opinion of him can be bought with an expensive gift, even a Ferrari, how valuable is your opinion, or your company?

Too many women are quick to change their estimation of men as soon as he shows his displeasure at not being treated like a man. Who handed him his manhood on a silver platter? His mother?

A man is not a man unless you think so. And before you state that, make sure that he has earned his reputation by showing you his character, his opinions, his reputation, his willingness to stand by his word, his respect for your judgment and your opinion by accepting that your opinion of him is valid.

A man of character would expect you to have a negative opinion of him when he has done or said something wrong. He would expect you to stand up to him, state your case logically, then prove with actions that your judgment is non-negotiable. He will expect a woman of strong character to leave.

An asshole or a douche bag will start negotiating how you feel. A man of character will not. Your opinion is valid to him, he will not take back what he said if he can substantiate his opinion, and he will not expect you to take back what you said either. You could accept the fact that you are very different and that you don’t have to date each other, and that’s far more respectable than negotiating with assholes.

If men don’t take you seriously, check yourself. Do you let them tell you how you should feel? Do you let them bully you or buy your opinion with a nice gesture? Do you let their friends gang up on you because they expect you to treat him like a nice guy?

Your opinion is the only one that matters. Standing up for it shows that you have self-respect. Not negotiating her mind away is a mark of a Goddess.

Remember, a man is not a man unless you think so.

S

Your darkest place is where your treasure is buried. What do I mean by that? We all have a positive side and a negative side, our light and our darkness. That duality is a force of nature. Look at nature, there is death from which comes rebirth. There is destruction, always followed by rebuilding. The tides go up and down, the poles are positive and negative, what goes up must come down. Neither is better or worse, neither is good or evil. We all live in duality, and to be balanced we all have to accept all of our nature, our positive and negative side, our male and female energies, the lightness and the darkness of our being.

People who can come to terms with their duality are considered to be balanced. Those who cannot accept, or those who reject one aspect of themselves pretending they only have a feminine side, or only a positive side are out of balance. By rejecting their masculine energy, or pretending to be always enlightened, refusing to face the duality of their nature, they are killing an aspect of themselves, or coming out of balance. Balance and imbalance are two states of being we are all always in. When we feel balanced, we feel healthy, we feel flow, things are progressing, we are meshing with other balanced people. And when we are imbalanced, our behavior shows it. Even when we can’t admit it, other people know it, something about that person’s flow appears to be constipated :).

Most of us are taught to reject our opposite side. Women are taught to reject their masculine side to appear more attractive and favorable to men, and males are taught to reject their feminine side, so they don’t get labeled as gay, metrosexual, weak. When each sex has rejected their opposite side, both partners are imbalanced, each person is only a half of their wholeness, and they connect from a place where they now have to complete each other. That woman who cannot take charge of herself, cannot figure out how to pay her bills, will invest heavily into her femininity, become docile, passive, dependent on a man who has rejected his feminine side. He has suppressed his emotions in order to appear dominant, aggressive, a bread-winner, a successful male. They own each other. He owns her livelihood, while she owns his masculinity. They feed each other whatever the other needs, and that is called codependence or a traditional relationship. Each wants to fulfill a role, and they trade based on meeting each other’s needs, playing an appropriate part. As long as they play along perfectly without ever disappointing the other, the relationship appears to be working. They are in a contract: you always make me feel like a real man, and I will give you whatever it takes to make you feel like a real woman. They trade emotions, security, jewelry, assets, narcissistic supply, social standing, flattery etc. Their arrangement can only go on as long as they are pleasing each other.

But how long can one person be at constant service to the other? At a certain point one fails to deliver, one falls a bit short, age happens, one person is more drained than the other, and the whole house of cards falls apart.

People who are in balance do their best to accept both of their sides. It isn’t easy, facing one’s darkness is a very painful process, most people manage to ignore it for a big chunk of their lives. Why explore my darkness when life is treating me well? Why do that painful work, why face my negativity? For most people, they only come face to face with their darkness when they have lost everything, or when mid-life crisis slaps them in the face, or an illness or depression plunges them into that place. No one wants to look at their shadow, no one wants to deal with those aspects of themselves they have suppressed, erased, swept under the rug, until dealing with it is a matter of survival. In that moment you only have three choices: Deal with it by facing it, take drugs to make the bad feelings go away, or end it all, which is unfortunately how a lot of people deal with having to face themselves.

I don’t want to write about depression. I have been in it, faced it, but it is a loaded subject almost always critiqued by those who have never experienced it. Let’s leave the subject on the side and talk about facing our dark side. We all have it, it is that side of us we refuse to acknowledge, we hide from others, it is our negative reactions, our fears, our hate, or jealousy, our rage, our pain, all those blows to our ego, that wounded animal, that icky place no one wants to look at. That is our dark side, and it is responsible for at least half of our reality and the results we get in life. If you don’t deal with it, shit will continue to happen, and you will continue to not be responsible for it. How does that serve you?

There are countless ways to deal with those aspects of us. Choose the method that you believe in the most. If you like therapy, work with a qualified professional. If you are spiritual, you could meditate, talk to a spiritual advisor, or work on yourself. But you must explore your own depths, understand your own patterns, motives, self-destruction, find the source of your rage, who are you really angry at? I’ll give you a clue: the answer is always you. If you come out of your process concluding that other people have hurt you, and that you are the victim of unfortunate circumstances, I assure you, you have not faced yourself, you saw what you wanted to see. You have only found a person or a circumstance to blame. When life starts to go on, your pattern will repeat itself, you will still sabotage your own life, the cycle will go on and on until there is no one left to blame. 

What treasure lies in your darkness?  You buried it there decades ago. It is those aspects of yourself you couldn’t face, your ego would not allow you to admit, your guilt, your shame, your lies, your mask, and all those things have been stuffed carefully and locked in your mental abyss. Why would you want to open that ugly Pandora’s box?

I found that answer a few years ago, when I got triggered into a situation with a man, and I couldn’t understand my own automatic behavior. I was responding to his toxic trigger by self sabotage, rage, self-deprecation, approval seeking- all those things I warn women never to do, I was doing to myself. I was on auto-pilot acting out feelings I had buried thirty years ago. It took repeated patters with this man to make me realize that I had dug a deep hole decades ago, and buried that experience, those horrible feelings and those memories because I never wanted to look at them again. But, had I faced them, I could have learned how to effectively work with those feelings like an adult today. This man simply made me remember an issue I had refused to deal with in my youth, and our continuing pattern of toxic behavior was calling my attention it.

Thirty years ago I had a very painful experience. I wasn’t mature enough to deal with. It was horrible, agonizing, gross, icky, so I killed it. I pulled the trigger and I was never going to deal with that bad feeling again. What I didn’t realize is that I killed one aspect of myself. Now there was a dead body on the floor, a rotten corpse I didn’t want to acknowledge, so I dug a deep hole in the ground. The hole was deep enough that no one could ever see that version of me, especially not me. In my darkest hour I would still not be able to find it. I filled the hole with dirt, a heavy pile of rocks, and topped it off with a boulder, just to make sure that corpse will never move.

There I was a few years ago, wondering how this man managed to trigger me into seemingly out of character behavior, making me act out my darkest fears. I asked myself in meditation, what is this fear? What am I really afraid of? What part of me hurts? What am I acting out really? What am I trying to prove to this man? The clues lied in that dead version of me I buried years ago. Yes, I buried a version of me that was not okay, that was deeply flawed, that was weak, that was dependant on approval, that was ashamed of being who she is, that was embarrassed of her own feelings, that was not good enough, that was highly imbalanced. I didn’t like that me, so I killed her and hid her in a dark grave. The only way I could learn how to deal with this man and the situation I was in now, was to study my own corpse. I had to go back to that old version of me, understand all her weaknesses, motives, all that pain had to be dug up because I never bothered to deal with it nor understand it before.

It was a painful process, but there is a lot of power in our darkness. All our answers lie in graves we dug for ourselves a long time ago. We have to be willing to go there, to talk to those old versions of ourselves, face the bad feelings we couldn’t deal with before, because our power is becoming okay with that person we rejected. In analyzing that old version of me, I understood that at that age I did the best that I could under the circumstances. Those rotten feelings were natural for an animal that has been wounded. We all have more sympathy for a wounded animal than we have for ourselves. Give yourself some sympathy. I started to understand that past version of me, I started to like her, I saw strength in her.

She was young and inexperienced but she still had courage to do what was necessary to protect herself at the time. She did the best she could. Those icky feelings she buried were a mix of sharp stabbing pain, fear, guilt, shame, self-loathing. I faced all those bad feelings, and became okay with them. They were appropriate for the situation, just left undealt. Now was my time to work with them. I talked to myself the way I would talk to any woman in need: with sympathy, kindness, understanding, encouragement, wisdom, and then empowerment. I sat with her in that darkness for months, it was a hideous place to be, but I held her hand and I knew that she will be okay.

The longer I stayed in that painful, ugly place, the less threatening it seemed. There is nothing here that I haven’t seen before. Darkness is a comfortable place when you start to accept your own flawed company. I also became okay with those rotten feelings. As I worked through them, and gained an understanding, they seemed to dissipate. Over time, I saw the real me, that actual version of me that I refused to look at for years. She was looking more okay each day. In fact there was nothing ugly there at all. She just accepted bad feelings and carried them with her until she could no longer stand under her own weight.

My power came the day I realized that I in all versions of me are totally okay with me. I am actually awesome, intelligent, powerful, logical, balanced, super strong, assertive, dominant, kind, empathic, and I have the ability to see. This is something I hid for many years, but I see beyond what is not there, I read people like an open book, I can smell your cancer. I have been suppressing that most powerful aspect of me, because other people hated my ability to see them as they are, so I felt hideous for mirroring aspects of themselves they refused to look at. I am okay with my opinions of you, I am okay with speaking out, I am okay expressing myself, I am okay with you not liking me for it, I am okay being dominant and bigger than weak people, I won’t apologize for it. I am okay, I am okay, I am okay with all aspects of me. It was like lighting struck me, and light lit up my whole world. This is what I have been hiding? My strength? I will never feel ashamed for it again!

Don’t be fooled. As powerful as this experience was for me, there is always more work to be done. Your work on your darkness is never over. If you are balanced, you will always be in duality. Darkness is not a mess you have to clean up, it is your shadow, it doesn’t go away when you start scrubbing. Accept it, and learn how to work in that place. Your power is at the bottom of that abyss you are so afraid to look into. All your answers are right there for you to uncover. There are many flawed versions that you have buried. There are many graves in your abyss. If you operate from a place of ego, you have an entire graveyard to dig up because you haven’t found acceptance for even one version of yourself. Okay, accept that, roll up your sleeves and start digging.

Treasure is always buried in the darkest place. You want personal power? You have to face your own darkness, conquer your own fears, and slay your own dragons. What you’ll find in that darkest place is that fear doesn’t exist at all, it is just how you feel about your own shadow. And monsters don’t exist, what you have been afraid of is facing yourself. The most powerful lesson I learned in that place is what Machiavelli said: fear nothing. Fear is nothing, there is nothing to fear. Fear doesn’t exist at all.

S

No one can give you more closure, than to slam the door right in your face. If you can’t see closure when someone has disappeared out of your life and refuses to communicate, check yourself. You may have trouble facing reality.

Ghosting is when someone disappears from your life without an explanation. We have talked about this topic before. As offensive as ghosting is, we tend to look at ghosting only from our own point of view. We say, ‘I would never do that to someone. I am owed an explanation. I am owed more. It is cowardly to end a relationship without an explanation. I am owed closure. Our relationship was much more special than that’.

All those things may be true. But you are failing to see this from the other person’s perspective. You are looking at this relationship from the perspective of your own connection to the relationship, and failing to look at it from the depth of the connection that the other person felt.  Chances are high that if you are confused about their feelings, you have no idea how the other person was truly feeling about you or your relationship. You saw what you wanted to see, and failed to accurately measure the depth of the other person’s feelings. One person was much more attached than the other, one person needed it much more than the other, one person’s feelings were much stronger, one person’s energy was binding the other.

It is a given in any human relationship, one person loves more than the other, and one person needs more than the other. We don’t measure love in milligrams and demand an equal dose in each beaker.  So what was the level of the ghoster’s connection to you? Was he equally in need or in love as you? Did he honor the relationship as much as you? How deep were the ghoster’s feelings for you? Did you hear him say the words “I Love you” and assume his kind of love must be equal to yours, or did you witness behavior that demonstrates the ghoster’s level of commitment is the same as yours? What was the level of connection that this person felt towards you?  Chances are that you just didn’t know, and if you were diligently building this relationship without their full participation, you kind of knew they weren’t into it.

Ghosting is a bad word, it implies that the actions of this person were criminal. Sure, relationship experts label ghosting as a heinous crime, as criminal as cheating. But let’s pretend for a second that this person is just as human as you, and that he or she acted in a way that demonstrates his or her level of feelings for you. In fact, how we treat others reflects how we feel toward them. If a person truly felt love, would he or she have disappeared?

So what is the truth? When someone ghosts you, they actually don’t feel the connection you do. When someone disappears, it is not because they love you too much. When someone fucks someone else, it is not because they couldn’t handle your level of your mutual love. They do that for the opposite reason, you just keep telling your mind stories that refuse to acknowledge the truth.

Everybody rejects somebody. We all do. And in our digital world, ghosting is easier than ever. Don’t think that ghosting didn’t exist before smart phones and social media. Most of us can remember the days of keeping the phone off the hook until the caller gave up and stopped calling. Rather than label ghosters as evil people, let’s see them for humans they really are. Leaving someone demonstrates I don’t love you, I don’t need you, I don’t feel the way you do, I don’t want what you want, I am not as committed to you as you want me to be, you are not seeing that I don’t want this relationship the way you do. That disappearing act is final confirmation of I don’t want you at all! And if you haven’t heard it during your relationship, this final disappearing act confirms it. Now you have no choice but to face it.

Of course, many victims of ghosting still refuse to face that the other has disappeared. Instead, their monkey mind starts to spin stories, ‘he loves me so much he is just scared’, ‘he wants me so badly that he is afraid of his feelings for me’, ‘he suffers from so much emotional pain from his childhood and his horrible ex…”, No, he just doesn’t want you.

These mind stories force us to keep the door open, when the reality is that the door has been slammed in our face. And it is those mind stories that are responsible for us refusing to get closure, in essence, we are keeping the door open ourselves, and refusing to see that the ghoster has given us closure in one big undeniable way. He is gone. The relationship does not exist. Poof! That is the only provable fact, there is no relationship whatsoever.

What this act proves is that this person did not feel the level of connection with you. It may or may not prove that you refused to see it, hear it, acknowledge it. It is quite possible that the ghoster demonstrated low interest, or verbally said things “I am not ready”, “I am not sure”, “I don’t know what I want”, “Let’s keep it casual” and that your monkey mind found hope in these words. You treated this as a relationship, while the other person was struggling to be understood.

I have no way of knowing whether your mind spun this situation into a relationship, but I can say with 100% certainty, that the other person did not feel the way you do, or want this as badly as you did. And, if you can acknowledge that possibility, you can give closure to yourself. You don’t need the other person to blatantly tell you no. They have disappeared from your life, and that is the only sign you need.

What if the ghoster keeps coming back? Then you are in a situationship with a ghost, not a real partner. If you keep entertaining the ghost, continuing the conversation, and negotiating terms of this fictitious relationship with a person who has pulled the disappearing act,  that is 100% your choice. You are equally responsible for being in a situation with a person who keeps trying to disappear from you. This connection accurately reflects your level of self-respect. The fact that you keep striving to build a relationship with a phantom, instead of a person who is really here, shows that you are more committed to fantasy than to healthy and honest relationships. That is also 100% on you.

In my personal opinion, ghosting is a perfectly acceptable form of communication with people who are out of touch with reality. Sorry, I know that ghosters are supposed to be bad meanies with no feelings. True, they have no feelings, but they have no feelings for you. But, you refused to acknowledge their lack of feelings and kept investing in the fantasy anyway. What does that make you? If you can’t recognize or acknowledge when the other person doesn’t feel the same, you are equally responsible for imagining connections that aren’t there. You are seeing ghosts, and demanding that they behave as if they are real, and give you real relationships.

I have written about ghosting before. The last post I made, In Defense of Ghosting was my own experience in pulling the disappearing act, and my justification for doing so. I can only speak for myself, but I disappear when the other person refuses to acknowledge my lack of interest. The very last time I disappeared, was from a guy who has been pursuing me for 10 years, when for 10 years I never said I am interested in him. He then, invited me to meet him on vacation in Europe. This was proof that he really thought that we had a connection that I said I don’t want. Why would I fly to Europe to meet you, when I don’t want you? In his mind, this invitation was proof of his interest, and he assumed that his grandiose act was also mine. I blocked him, because the man is out of touch with reality. He clearly did not notice that I am in no relationship with him, no feeling, no emotional connection to him at all. For ten years he kept communicating with no replies, kept inviting with each invitation being declined, and his interest finally culminated with one grand invitation. To him, this invitation was proof of his love. Did he acknowledge that in 10 years, I never showed interest, I never accepted an invitation, I never said I wanted anything at all?

Humans assume that what they are feeling about a person is proof that the connection is real. They fail to see that it takes a mutual level of interest, mutual desire, mutual feelings to build a true connection. Often people project their own feelings into the other person and they assume that the other must feel the same. You know they have done so, when they continue to build on this connection, while the other keeps pulling away, keeps dating others, keeps being unavailable, etc.

Social media and dating experts claim that the ghoster is a coward. That may be true, but my assertion is that the victim is an even bigger coward. How? The victim refused to face the fact that she may be pushing for a connection too hard, to face that her object of interest doesn’t feel the same, that one-way desire does not equal a deep connection. In ignoring the fact that her object of desire does not feel as deeply for her, she demonstrated her own cowardice to face the truth.

I believe that all people are just mirrors to our own soul, and that if we keep seeing uncomfortable patters in our own reality, those patterns are a reflection of flaws we have to fix within ourselves. If you have been ghosted multiple times, and you keep finding yourself in relationships that were never real or with people who were not equally connected to you, then the only person you can fix is you. How can I see people for who they are more clearly, before I sleep with them? How can I gauge their interest more accurately before I start connecting emotionally? Perhaps I could avoid phantom relationships, by allowing people to tell me they don’t want anything, and being okay with it, then not pursuing a serious connection with the one who doesn’t want this connection to be serious.

Once again, a ghoster is simply a person who did not feel the same way as you. Rather than be angry at a phantom, you would do yourself a greater service by acknowledging that this person demonstrated with 100% accuracy how they truly feel. You can’t get more accurate with your feelings than to disappear from someone’s life. Don’t beg for closure from a ghost, this person just slapped you in the face, and you are refusing to see the closure in that pain.

S

Boo hoo, I’m sorry you have issues from your past, and I’m sorry you keep suffering because you are stuck on that old story, and sorry to tell you this: no magical hand is going to come down from the sky and hand you a cookie for all your suffering. Suffering is not a badge of honor, there’s no reward for carrying other people’s burdens, nor for suffering longer than all your friends. You’re not a better person because you suffered more, and you don’t get brownie points for being a victim. What do you get in the end? People who are sick of you story, relationships that don’t want to suffer with you, and guess what, more suffering you have earned by staying in that mentality.

The goal in life is not to endure hardships, it is to overcome those hard things. The goal in life is not to remain loyal to those who test your boundaries, and stay in relationships with people who want to break out. The goal in life is not to list all the ways you have grieved and been wronged, you score by learning from each situation, and growing yourself to be a wiser, better, more self-honoring person. That lesson in life is how to choose your honor first over every person and situation who has dared to dishonor you.

Accepting defeat does not mean that you have to remain in that state of defeat, it just means being okay with it long enough to suspend your ego, and learn to stop fighting for what you want, you have to become it. You can’t fight a man into loving you, so stop fighting for love. Be love. You will never be rich, successful, independent, nor respected, when you insist that other people alter their behavior for your benefit. That’s like asking for an emotional handout.

Being a Goddess is a tough job. It means choosing yourself first, honoring yourself first, enforcing your own boundaries, speaking your inner truth at all times, defending your truth even when it means losing everything. You have to be so committed to yourself, that no one can threaten your ego, no one can take away your inner peace, no one can knock you out of balance because your balance is dependent on your self-respect, not on other people’s actions.

Most women agree that they should choose themselves first when it comes to men. But then, they put aside their needs for their child, compromise their truth for the sake of pleasing an aging parent. They’ll say No to the beggar down the street, but say okay to that boundary-crossing friend just to keep the friend. Are you aware of how many times you dishonor yourself when you try to maintain peace? I am not saying that you should be combative about your boundaries, I am saying that you should stop feeling guilty for saying No. Every time you say yes, when you mean no, even in unimportant situation, you swallow a bit of your pride. You swallow a bit of bitterness, you swallow a bit of resentment, you swallow a bit of anger, you say okay because that’s what nice women do.

Each time you do that, you compromise a piece of yourself. A long time ago, you have learned to take it, and it’s no wonder that as an adult, many women have no clue how to get respect. This is sad.

Receiving respect should not be a bloody battle, but it often is when you have taught people that you are willing to swallow your pride. Whose fault is it when they expect you to swallow it again? It is sad when strong, competent, educated, successful women win people over by acquiescing to their demands. They earn a relationship with a man whose ego they now have to stroke, or earn a promotion by saying yes to everyone in the department- she is that employee who works until 2 am, because she has taken on the work of people she didn’t want to reprimand. Is that success? Is that a Goddess? She may have the $2000 handbag and the matching stilettos, but is that a woman who commands respect?

Self-respect begins with the word No. No mom, you cannot guilt me into visiting you on Sunday. No son, you cannot behave dishonorably and demand that I treat you like a man. No honey, I won’t stroke your ego and treat you like a god, when you behave like any mortal. No boss, I won’t work on weekends for no additional pay. No. No, No, No and No. Why? It is not in my best interest to do so.

Many of us have no problems at all, instead most of us suffer from a lack of self-respect. Many of us are looking for techniques about how to change other people, but are refusing to change ourselves. Some of us suffer, yet remain loyal to those who keep us suffering. Who are you really committed to? Those people who ask you to swallow guilt, shame, self-respect, or are you committed to you? Act like it. A Goddess is committed to herself, to her honor, to her dignity, to her boundaries, to her self-respect. A Goddess would not compromise one ounce of her dignity, her boundaries, her self-respect, to keep disrespectful people in her life. Not one ounce.

A Goddess commands respect from others solely because she demonstrates her commitment to her dignity and self-respect for the whole world to see. Those who cannot tolerate her strength and her loyalty to herself will hate her, and obviously disapprove. A Goddess is comfortable and stands confident in the face of their disapproval.

Become comfortable with other people’s disapproval of you. Yes, it is a practice that you must master. You cannot shrink when others demand you bow in front of them. Be comfortable with losing important people, no one should be more important to you than you. Be comfortable with saying No, without an apology or an explanation. No. I’m not interested. No, that is not true. No, you are in fact wrong. No, you do not have my permission to do that. No, it is not okay for you to keep pushing for yes, when I have clearly said No. No, I won’t call you on my day off. No, I will not pick up the phone every time you need something. No, you are not my top priority. No, dinner with you would be no pleasure for me. No, I will not buy more Girl Scout cookies from you, I do not want to feel obligated. No, I will not pay what we haven’t agreed to, No, you did not complete your work to my satisfaction and no, I will not help you complete it. No.

Do you have trouble saying No? Do you have issues that you haven’t put an end to from your past? Do you suffer at the hands of other people? Are you still entertaining bad habits from your past? Are you still relying on victimhood as your excuse in life? I can’t help you until you are willing to stand up for yourself and scream No.  I’ve got bad news for you. We all keep ourselves in old holding patterns, in toxic relationships, in deep shit, simply because we refuse to take responsibility for our own grown selves and say No.

One of the things I enjoy now with great pleasure is saying No.  In fact, I love the power of saying No so much, I relish hearing myself say it. My no, is never followed by an excuse, an explanation, nor sugar-coated words. Those words only soften my position, and transfer my power to the other person. I also won’t let the other person embellish my truth. I said No, now he is responsible for dealing with rejection, and handling my No like a healthy grownup. If he cannot, my answer remains No, but now his maturity or lack thereof will show. When someone tries to compromise my word by insisting “Oh she really didn’t mean to be so abrupt”, I confidently say “Yes, I clearly intended to say No”. No one gets to correct my feelings, no one gets to sugar-coat the meaning of my word on my behalf. My no, always means No, and I will fight or cause you some unpleasant feelings if you dare to challenge my No. I never say “I’m sorry I have to decline, I say No, I don’t want to”.

Your No does not have to sound positive. Your No does not have to sound like a maybe. Your No does not have to coddle their feelings. In fact, when it doesn’t, it sounds much more powerful and dignified than “I’m sorry, I can’t.” Say No and give yourself permission to enjoy their disapproval afterward.

When people know that they can get you to compromise, they will surely expect you to every time. When people know that you are willing to push aside your dignity so they can feel good, they will expect you to do it again. Demonstrating that you are willing to soften your opinion so they can feel right, broadcasts that you have no respect for your own opinion. Why would anyone respect you when your opinion is negotiable? If I can make you feel guilty for enforcing your boundaries, I hold all the power about how you feel.

Being a Goddess has nothing to do with how you look, whether men chase you, the cost of your wardrobe, nor whether you are able to manipulate people into liking you. You simply cannot fake it. Being a Goddess is 100% respect for the self. Create a Self that you can worship and kneel in front of. How? Imagine that your Self, that Goddess Self is separate from your body, imagine that it is high up in the sky, like God. What aspects of God do you respect? Why does everyone respect and bow down in front of God? Does God compromise when she is offended? Does God acquiesce to guilt, shaming, or demands? Is God afraid of losing people? Is God afraid of your disapproval? Is God afraid to disappoint you? Has God ever felt guilty for saying No? Nope, God stays up in the sky, and stays in full power no matter what is happening down here on earth. Has God ever stopped down to the level of man? Neither should you.

A man is not someone for whom you should compromise your honor. A relationship is not a prize you win by negotiating your dignity away. Success is not something you earn by doing everyone else’s job, and it is certainly not a willingness to do anything for money. If you can’t respect yourself, you have nothing other people can value. An inability to say No, is a sure sign of a doormat.

You have no problems in life. You just haven’t learned how to say No.

S

Do you live in someone else’s head? What is he thinking? I know how he feels, he is so confused, how can I help him with that? Often women are overly concerned about how men feel, that they are likely to ignore how they feel, even neglect their own needs to help someone else feel better. This gets even harder when they are trying to be in, or to secure a relationships. Their “monkey mind” is overly concerned with a man’s head space, causing not just confusion in thinking but also in emotions. We all know what it is like to have out of control thoughts, and feelings and confusing reactions to other people’s inner world, then carry that confusion in our own body. Why do we do that?

What is wrong with being sensitive and supportive of other people’s feelings? It is nice to be kind and caring, but what is wrong with caring for other people’s unchecked feelings is that it comes at a price of neglecting our own feelings. Many of us were taught from childhood by our parents, society and religion, to pay attention at a young age. Pay attention to your elders, pay attention to the most important person in the household, your father. Defer to your brother, let him win. Girls don’t fight, stop crying, stop whining, say you are sorry even when you’re not, don’t talk back, apologize, apologize, apologize.

It is no wonder that most grown women are used to apologizing for feelings other people don’t want to deal with. I’m sorry I heart your feelings, I am sorry if you are offended, I am sorry I misspoke, I am sorry you don’t like your food, I am sorry I acted too bossy even though I am your boss, I’m sorry you’re not feeling well.

The biggest problem with being overly concerned with other people’s feelings and being responsible for their unchecked emotions is that it forces our mind to focus on them and their needs instead of ourselves, our own inner world, and the effect those suppressed feelings and neglected needs have on our own body.

An example. Many years ago, when I first moved in with my now ex husband, I struggled to adjust to co-habitation. I was living with a narcissist whose every need had to be met by me adjusting my own wants and needs so that he could feel good about himself and the relationship. I was too young to recognize this was wrong, I grew up watching my mom put the man first, so I had no clue that I should stand up for myself and ask that my needs be met too.

He wanted to buy an exotic cat. I didn’t like cats at all, in fact, I had a mild phobia, and just didn’t want the work of having a pet. Regardless of how I felt, somehow he convinced me to put a $700 with a breeder. A cat I was uncomfortable with was now coming into our house. We drove two ours to pick up the cat, and as soon as I walked into the breeder’s house, I had my first asthma attack. I started suffocating, choking, my eyes swelled up, I couldn’t breathe.  A few days later I was diagnosed with asthma. It came out of nowhere, I had no allergies to cats before that day, and had never had any disease in my life. Yet now I was on steroids, and dealing with the harsh side-effects for years. Though we didn’t buy that cat, a few years later, he convinced me to adopt two cats. How did I ignore the fact that I have asthma and allergies, and how did I allow for this to happen? Simple, I wasn’t paying attention to myself. I easily ignored my health, my feelings, my emotional needs and my fear of animals, because I was paying way too much attention to his emotional needs. The toll that asthma and steroids took on my body drained me. And being in a relationship with someone we are constantly paying attention to is draining. It took years after that marriage to recover the self.

Incidentally, I have been practicing Ayurveda and meditation most of my life. The way Ayurveda describes the emotional cause of asthma, is that it’s suffocation represents the loss of self. How was I losing myself? I was ignoring it, by being focused on his mind, his emotional health, his needs, and placing the relationship and the marriage above my own needs.

It is nice to be sensitive to other people’s needs. Empathy is a positive quality to have until empathy for others costs you empathy for yourself. The vast majority of women I know are overly concerned with men. From the first moments of a relationship, she transfers her attention to him, and becomes overly concerned with who is he, how is he feeling, what is he thinking, where is he taking this relationship? What the vast majority of women in our private forum fail to recognize is that what she thinks of him is far more important than what he is thinking. What she wants from the relationship is far more important than what he wants. From that first meeting, she unwittingly transfers her power to him. This accounts for 99.9% of the frustration women face in relationships. Their concern for his mind and his feelings disempowers them from Day 1.

This is why women have such a hard time getting their own needs met, especially when the relationship is new. She can’t possibly secure stability, security, trust, nor can she watch how she feels about his character or behavior with her mind is focused into him. Most women are not in their own head space. They are usually in the head space of others: their families, their men, their children, their coworkers- let’s focus on making all relationships nice and pleasant, let’s put out all the fires in the world, before we focus on ourselves.

This lack of focus on the self, shows a lack of respect for the self. Many of us have been taught that too much focus on the self is selfish. Why, yes it is! But we are supporting other people’s selfishness at our own expense. This post is mainly about women being overly focused on men and relationships. This focus is a huge drain to her mind and body, but also a huge drain to womanhood in general. How can women respect womanhood, when their prime concern is how men feel? Most women are more concerned about how a man would fit into her life, than how an exercise routine, a vacation, a career advancement, a stock portfolio would fit into her life.

Another problem with being focused on how men feel before they have earned a relationship with us, our time, and attention, is that it causes us to ignore red flags more easily. It’s no secret that narcissists, psycho and sociopaths know how to use emotions to manipulate people. And often, it is the nicest women, the most supportive and caring ones, that end up taking care of feelings of some very unhealthy men. Those women are the most likely to ignore the self, and the least likely to honor how they feel, or notice when they are drained or suffering.

So, what can a woman do? Practice selfishness. Selfishness isn’t shameful, it is honoring thyself. Another thing that I highly recommend is to reconnect with the self by learning how to be in your own company. Not just for a few minutes a day, but for extended periods of time. Walk with yourself, meditate by yourself, enjoy activities all by yourself, care for yourself, travel by yourself, learn to rely on yourself, and by all means date yourself and treat yourself lavishly.

It is amazing to me how many women refuse to be by themselves. They feel lonely in their own company. Feeling lonely in your own company is a clear sign that you don’t like who you are. If you can’t enjoy your self all by yourself, then how could men enjoy your company? They can only enjoy your support, your attention, your ego strokes, your effort, and all that you do to make them feel good about themselves. But, they will not enjoy you, the real you. You don’t even know the real you, so how could they? If you don’t honor yourself first, no one else will either. If you don’t put yourself first, no one will.

I can spot a selfless woman in the first few days of her meeting a man. She is already in his head instead of her own. Guess what? Anyone can spot her, especially a narcissist or an unhealthy man. She is perfect! She is so concerned with what he is thinking and how he feels, and what is going to happen next, that he knows he has no work to do to secure this situationship. All he has to do is nothing. Absolutely nothing. She is already counting the minutes until she receives the next text, even though he has given her no indication that he is honorable, healthy, balanced or a decent human.

Any mental focus on anything that is outside the body or one’s mind is a transfer of energy, or a transfer of power. Giving thought to how others feel means not giving thought to how we feel. Of course we should care about how our friends, family and healthy relationships feel. But, being too concerned with men in general is not healthy at all, and being in their head space from day one is an immediate disempowerment.

Tuning out of his feelings and getting out of his head-space, is a very important tool for understanding who you are dealing with. When you are emotionally detached, you can rationally observe his behavior and watch how he deals with crises and his own negative feelings. Is he throwing a temper tantrum, is he throwing shit around, is he making other people responsible for his feelings, is he bending the truth, is he gaslighting, is he manipulating you into changing your behavior to meet his needs, is he rational, is he an adult or an emotionally stunted child? You’ll never know unless you observe what happens when you are tuned out of him, and tuned into you.

So, when is the right time to consider how he feels? After he has shown you that he has genuine feelings for you.  When is the right time to help him with his feelings? When he has demonstrated that he is a grown man, perfectly capable of being responsible for dealing with his own feelings in a healthy way. But I want to know him, so when is the time to get into his head and understand him better? When he has proven that he is in a committed, healthy, exclusive relationship with you that is actually going somewhere. Remember, the purpose of a relationship is to get to know a person better. Don’t try to get inside him before you are in an actual, high-functioning, relationship.

In fact, you should always practice being in connection with yourself, and being in touch with your own emotions first. From day one, when you catch your mind wandering to how he is feeling, shift your focus back, and ask yourself why am I more concerned with him than myself? The answer is that you are probably too eager, too unfulfilled, too bored, and in that moment, you are not standing in your own self, you are outside peering into his.

S

How much contact is too much contact? Every human is different. Each of us has different needs, and each of us has her own personal way of interacting with people. We all want more contact with people whose company we enjoy, and less contact with people we don’t actually need or want. Therefore, it makes no sense to follow dating rules, or to go by what dating experts think is right. It does make sense to pay attention to the man, and gauge his level of interest, and how much contact he seems to be comfortable with. That applies to women as well. There is nothing more off putting than a person who is contacting us more than we’d like to hear from them.

Also, timed or measured contact- texting or calling someone to purposely delay a response and appear to be unavailable is a game. You are playing a game with a man who I am sure you wouldn’t want to play games with you. You are appearing to be too busy, when in fact you are not, thus creating false appearances. Would you think he is fake if he did this to you, texted you and then pretended to be too busy to follow up? Games are unattractive. It takes two to tango. If you don’t want him to play texting games with you, then please don’t play texting games with men, even when they are suggested by a dating book like “The Rules”. If you can see through men who are inauthentic, rest assured that men can tell when you are pretending to be unavailable.

So what is an appropriate level of contact? There is no hard answer, it depends on how much the person wants to hear from you. Here’s an example. A few months ago, this guy who I had no intention of dating started texting me. The questions he was asking via text were too personal for someone I had no interest in. I openly told him that I was not interested in dating him, and he seemed amenable to contact as friends. But he still kept texting more than I needed to hear from him, and the questions indicated that his level of interest in me is much higher than just a friendship. So, again, I said “Hey, we are just friends, why so many personal questions?”. More questions later, and I saw that he is still trying to get to know me, when I have no interest in getting to know him on a personal level. I wasn’t initiating contact, wasn’t asking any questions of him at all, I would only reply rarely to indicate no interest. So, this is an example of too much contact. I happen to be blunt and very open about how I feel, so he should have taken my first “I am not interested in dating you” as a signal to back off and stop contact.

If you tend to overtext, ask yourself if you are texting because you are anxious, and need to know where this situation is going to calm your nerves? If you are, then back off. Allow people to show you how much contact they want. If men rarely text you or initiate contact, or if the texts are superficial, then that indicates low interest. When somebody shows you low interest, use that to calm your anxiety. Now is not the time to overthink when you can text him next, now is the time to talk yourself into accepting that low interest indicates you should be taking your attention elsewhere. How often do you text with your girlfriends? Do you have anxiety every time you need to text one of them? Do you time your responses to them? Chances are you don’t overthink it when your girlfriends don’t text you back right away.

When I start to feel a certain level of anxiety about texting back, or start to overthink my responses, I let that anxiety guide me. Anxiety indicates I am not comfortable, I am unsure of the situation, I doubt myself, him or the situationship. Anxiety means that right now this situation is not clear enough for me to engage. Let your anxiety be your red flag that YOU, (not he) is not operating in your highest interest and back off. Rather than use anxiety as your excuse to start thinking about him, what does he want, where is this going, etc., shift your focus elsewhere. If you are doubting whether he would want to hear from you, and how much, be certain that your doubt is accurate. Down girl. It is your own body telling you that you don’t have enough of a connection to start poking and prodding him. If you feel anxiety, it is because at some level you already sense he is not fully into you. If you had a genuine connection, and if you had two-way mutual interest, the channel of communication would be clear, and you wouldn’t feel so uncertain contacting him.

Ask yourself that most important question of all: is there mutual and equal interest? A lot of women confuse their own interest in him, with ‘he must like me too because he is nice to me’. Nice people don’t always have an interest in you personally, nor dating you. Is he interested in getting to know me? Is he interested in dating me? What exactly does he want? What are his intentions? Not sure? That’s because you don’t have enough information about him to move towards him. Your need to get answers before anything has happened between you is your indicator that you are jumping the gun. You are way ahead of him. Niceness does not indicate interest. ‘I am interested in dating you’ is an indication of interest.

If you are overthinking contact, chances are that your monkey mind is telling you that you don’t have enough of an established connection to start communicating. Your mind and your body are always talking to you, you just have to pay attention. Remember that children’s game: Hot and cold? The closer you move in the right direction, the crowd yells “warmer”? Well your anxiety is screaming “colder, colder, don’t go there girl!” That’s not the right move to make.

If the reason you need to start contacting him is to comfort yourself, ease your own tension, feed your hunger, quell your anxiety, that is not a healthy reason. That person of interest is not your medicine. Chances are that you are using him or her to soothe your own discomfort, and that you are establishing a toxic connection already. Any tension or anxiety about this situation is within you. Therefore, in this situation, you are the problem. Deal with yourself. The other person is not the cause of the tension and unease you feel, so resist the temptation to make them responsible for making you feel good about the situation. If you feel discomfort it is because you are anxiously trying to make something happen, while the other person is not there at all.

The appropriate level of contact depends on how much the other person wants to hear from you. You have no way of knowing that until they have shown you. If they are not showing you any clear signs, it is because they are nicely and subtly keeping you at arms length.

Remember, contact is always too much when the other person does not feel the same way about you. Contact is always irritating when one person is not picking up queues about lack of interest. Contact is always uncomfortable when a genuine connection has not been established. Contact is always a source of anxiety and tension when it is not right. Pay attention to your own self. Are you building tension, or are you building mutual interest? Do you feel that you might be intruding on that person’s time? If you doubt whether your texts are welcome, let that doubt be your guide. Back off and go elsewhere, unless that person tells you “Call me”.

S

Are you an emotional sponge? Do you absorb other people’s feelings and bad energies? You may call yourself an empath, a victim, a people pleaser, or see yourself as suffering from over-responsibility. It is that guilty feeling of being responsible for other people’s discomfort, dissatisfaction, criticism, judgment and anger. Someone expresses extreme rage and anger at you, but it is you who internalizes and feels the pain of their anguish inside you. Imagine that out of control driver who can’t stay in his own lane, can’t simmer down his own temper, slams on his accelerator, cuts you off, leans on his horn to express his rage at you, nearly causes an accident, screams an expletive at you, before he drives off, but you are the one feeling horrible as if you did something wrong. Why? He may have some reason to be angry within himself, but why are you feeling the ickiness of his rage?

That tightness in the pit of your stomach is making you sick, he is long gone, he doesn’t even know who you are, yet his toxicity is now sitting in the pit of your stomach, making you sick. We all have anger, we all have issues, we all have negativity that we still haven’t released, and we all sometimes, inadvertently share it with others. Some people know how to deflect rage, while others absorb it like a sponge. Learning how to not be affected by other people’s emotions is a skill I had to learn and keep practicing. But, absorbing and feeling responsible for other people’s anger, disappointment, guilt was debilitating. When you allow other people’s judgment to permeate into you, you carry it within you. We all carry residual guilt, shame, and anger inflicted by others.

So what can you do to learn how to deflect bad energy?

1) Practice enforcing your boundaries, verbally, physically, emotionally. “No sir, I am actually not a c*, you are actually feeling inadequate with yourself, and attempting to make me feel smaller than you.”  “I see you are angry, you are foaming at the mouth, but whoever pissed you off is not here. Take your temper elsewhere”. “Right now you are creating drama and attempting to get me to jump on your bandwagon. Let’s take a time out, and re-engage when you are acting more stable, and able to communicate clearly and constructively what is bothering you”. By defending yourself and refusing their blame or their anger, you are enforcing your boundaries. As soon as you do that, you will feel the power of honoring yourself.

2) Mirror the offender. Mirroring someone does not mean to act badly as they do. If he is an angry moron, that is no excuse to act just as badly. Being a mirror means allowing that person to see their reflection, their own rage and their anger for themselves . “I see, you are loosing control of your emotions”, “I see that there are years of rage that you haven’t dealt with”, “I see you are attempting to manipulate me”, “I see your own shame, and you are attempting to project it onto me”, “That fear is yours, I am not afraid at all”. Reflecting back whatever they are attempting to throw at you, allows them to see how they are seen by other people, which is probably not how they want to be perceived. If you provide real evidence for what you see (not just empty words), they are more likely to back off. Again, once you have deflected their rage back to them, you have successfully prevented it from absorbing into you.

3) Call them out preferably in front of others, before you have any chance to start processing their emotions for them. Stop them right away and say “No, you won’t succeed in bullying me. Your situation is your own, it is not for me to deal with”, “I see that you are creating drama to distract us from the fact that you are the problem.”, “I am not interested in getting sucked into your chaos, please leave me out of it”. Let them know that you know what they are doing, by calling them out, and back up your assertion with proof.

What is the cost to carrying other people’s feelings with you? I can write a book about that. But generally, it is low self-esteem, high stress, resentment and poor emotional and physical health. We all know what that is like. But most women don’t know how to fight back. We all feel guilty, even inadequate fighting with men. There is a heavy price to pay for talking back to angry men in the workplace, socially, politically and in intimate relationships. But our complacency and our fear of making them feel bad, has hurt us. It has hurt femininity and womanhood, it has hurt each of us emotionally, it has hurt us politically, and it has set our careers and independence back for hundreds of years. It hurts, and allowing people, especially men to inflict their own anger, rage, and judgment onto us, and actually accept it as normal has blinded and handicapped us.

There are generations of women out there who still feel that it is their responsibility to coddle and uphold manhood. There are generations of women who have accepted blame for being the weaker sex. What exactly makes us weak? There are generations of women who believe that femininity means complacency, passivity, dependence, incompetence, aloofness, acquiescence, undying support, agreement, subservience. In their defense, they spent years in fear of judgment, shame and guilt for having too strong of an opinion and for daring to disagree or contradict what manhood thinks femininity should be. That said, it is no wonder that today women are dropping out, saying No, walking away, questioning all aspects of romantic relationships and starting to act in their own best interest.

We have all been taught to act nice, smile kindly, support men in whatever fantasy they have of themselves, coddle them like a fragile golden egg, take responsibility for their well being, admit guilt, accept shame, accept judgment so they can feel like men. But, what is the cost to our health? What is the cost to our emotional well-being when we don’t speak up in that board room when our manager is boasting about an idea he borrowed from one of us. What is the cost of politely listening while some office asshole is pounding his chest like an ape, proclaiming himself to be the man, taking up space, but offering nothing to the bottom line? What is the cost of silently allowing toxicity to seep in?

The cost is your dignity. If you are wondering why people cross your boundaries so easily, it is because you have been cowering in the corner for years, when in fact you should have been defending your honor. If you are wondering why people spew hate and obscenities in you presence and simply expect you to say nothing, it is because you showed them that you can be counted on to sweep those offensive words under the rug. If you are wondering why toxic people assume their way into your life, it is because you are a sponge, willing to soak their feelings in.

The only way to reverse the situation is to start speaking up, defending your boundaries, fighting back, learning to speak logically and reasonably instead of emotionally, holding people accountable for bad behavior even if it costs you that relationship. You have to make yourself and your honor more important than anyone else’s existence. Your ability to exist in a healthy environment and with healthy relationships is your right, but you can only have that if you earn it. You earn that right, when you fight for your own dignity, for your own respect, and your own honor. No one else will honor you, until they see that your boundaries are strictly enforced.

Ten years ago I started to speak up, honestly, bluntly, without sugar coating anything. “No, I am not a bitch for saying no to you, you feel insecure when women tell you no”. “No, I actually don’t feel guilty making choices that are in my best interest, you are attempting to make me feel guilty so that I would act in your interest”, “No, you are not the most productive sales person on this team, Monika’s and Jane’s numbers are consistently higher”, “No, it is not okay for you to keep me company in my hotel room, you are my manager and if you have a problem with that, let’s talk to HR together”, “It is clear you don’t have a strong handle on your emotions, may I suggest anger management so that you can act more balanced during meetings?”, “No, I am not wearing this red dress for your benefit, actually I am wearing it for myself”.

The very first time I spoke my inner truth, and said something difficult bluntly without sugar-coating it, I felt like a boulder had been lifted off my chest. I felt free, lighter, healthy, and so powerful. What was surprising was that the more I started to talk back, challenge men, clearly demonstrate the errors in their thinking, the more they started to think before they talk, consider that I might easily prove them wrong, even expect me to put them in their place. Many men simply do not know how pompous they sound when they assume you will support their assertion of themselves. And many immediately become self-aware when you check them. Yes, assholes will always be assholes, and they will explode in rage when someone challenges them. Let them be angry, as long as you don’t accept their anger and apologize for it. Allowing men to save face, by making you responsible for their feelings is toxic to you.

You don’t need to support men, and it is not your responsibility to make them feel safe, coddled, and comfortable. That is only their responsibility. Allow their tempers to be your red flag and a sign to disengage, move away, you don’t want that in your life. But, resist the temptation to help them manage their feelings. If he is an adult who has made any effort to understand and develop himself, he will take responsibility for his own anger. He won’t attempt to unload it on you.  In fact, rescuing men from their own feelings IS that bad habit that gets you sucked into toxic relationships every time. Leave him alone. Watch and observe whether he knows of constructive ways to diffuse his own anger. Kicking a car, a dog or you is not constructive at all. Hitting a punching bag isn’t either. It means he cannot express himself verbally, so he will go punch something instead.

Does he need you to agree with him so that he can feel right about his own assertion? Does he fall apart and lash out when others disagree with him? You don’t have a man on your hands, you have an emotionally unstable brat whose manhood is dependent on others upholding it.

Resist the temptation to help men be men. If he is a man, he will be balanced, he will be in touch with his emotions, he will be able to handle negative feelings without blaming others, or resorting to violence. A real man will not throw a temper like a child, or start hitting his chest like a Neanderthal. A real man can walk upright, speak in coherent sentences, and does not carry a club or make a fist any time someone threatens him. A real man does not need your help to be a man.

You don’t have to walk on eggshells around a real man. You don’t need to keep your opinion to yourself, so that he can feel okay. You can call him out on his bullshit and he won’t start crying or yelling obscenities. He can handle his own mistakes, admit when he has failed, you don’t have to fear repercussions or revenge when you are dealing with a real man. In fact, just start talking back, enforcing your own boundaries, saying No bluntly, then watch to see how the men around you react.

Once I started calling men out on their own bullshit in the office, I realized how valuable this is in my dating life. In fact, long before I start taking a man seriously or dating him, I watch how he deals with accountability for his own words, how he reacts to criticism, can he handle a challenge to his ego? I want to see if he is pretending to be okay, or is he really okay- the difference being is if he is not okay, you will see it as passive aggression, brooding, revenge, back-stabbing later. Men rarely verbalize when their feelings are hurt, instead they punch a wall, throw a tantrum, or do something underhanded when no one is looking. Pay attention to how he diffuses anger.

In the mean time, you need to stop absorbing emotions of men who don’t know how to handle their own inadequacies. Practice enforcing your boundaries unapologetically, mirror their feelings back to them without stooping to their level, and call them out when you see bullshit. Sure, they will be uncomfortable, but there is no reason for you to accept and carry that anger on your back. His anger is his toxicity, not yours. Eventually you will be able to tell the real men apart from the Neanderthals, by observing how they deal with their own emotions.

S

How do we attract unhealthy, incomplete, disrespectful men? What signal are we sending them to let them know we are their unhealthy match?

There’s the obvious answer- we too are incomplete and lack full respect for ourselves. But, there’s more to this than the obvious. In the past, I have said that these unhealthy relationships serve a purpose- they educate us about who we truly are, and push us to keep trying to honor ourselves. A relationship, good or bad, is never about the other person, it is about who am I now in relation to this situation, can I now make better choices for myself, how can I honor my self and my inner voice more?

We attract unhealthy relationships when we are disconnected from our true self, and when we are using another person as a substitute for finding happiness within. We all know people who cannot be happy or complete, unless the other completes them or unless the other strives to make them happy. Those relationships are obviously doomed. But sometimes, we aren’t conscious that we lack a connection to our true self. It isn’t obvious that we are not devoted to our self, until the other person triggers us to make a choice that dishonors us, and honors him (or her) instead. That moment when we choose the other over our inner truth, or over our true self, is the moment we have dishonored the Goddess within. That is exactly when we fall off our pedestal and become a slave to  the relationship.

This is why it is extremely important to always be working on ourselves. There is never really a time when we are finished, when we have shaped ourselves into an ideal self, and can rest knowing that we are now ready for our perfect counterpart. None of us ever reach perfection nor completion. The world is constantly changing, so are life’s circumstances, and the minute we stop working on ourselves someone comes along to show us how we are slacking.

Often women stop working on their inner self, when there is a new relationship to focus on. Somehow, this relationship becomes a goal, and they shift focus from within to another person. But, by shifting our energy from ourselves to someone else, we send a signal to the other person that we are emotionally ready to give, give, give attention. We are demonstrating that he has all our attention, that he is more important than our connection to ourselves, we pour our energy into him or chasing the relationship, long before he has proven himself as worthy. This is the signal an unhealthy man needs from a woman- I will give you, I will honor you, I will earn you, I will chase you, you are more important to me than my self-respect. Her shift in focus from herself to him is that signal, “I am your toxic match”. He is looking for energy, and she is up and ready to pour it into him.

When you are disconnected from your inner goddess, and you are out there dating and relating, you are only going to attract those harsh lessons and relationships that are meant to guide you back to yourself. Have you noticed that after every crash and burn relationship, after the pain has subsided, there is always that period of rediscovery, realignment, reconnecting to the self? For some women it is very brief, they feel empowered finding new meaning to life, and then they question their singleness and start chasing relationships again. And for other women, they relish that heightened connection, and seek more time with themselves because there is power in that realignment with the self.

Those bad relationships are not going to last, they are just indicators that you have to get back into yourself and keep learning. These relationships are showing you that you are neglecting yourself. You have transferred your power to the relationship. You have dishonored yourself. Keep learning girl.

When you refuse to protect your energy, to make yourself important, when you refuse to choose your honor, when you refuse to focus on your health and your self-respect, the world will push you around to show you exactly where your weaknesses lie. Bad men don’t eat good girls for lunch, men have very little power compared to wise women and Goddesses. Women who refuse to make their inner self a top priority are like a ball being kicked around a soccer field. Their focus is on who is pushing them around now, instead of who is on the inside.

Why was my divorce such a powerful experience? Because it forced me back to myself. In my marriage, I was more respectful of my ex than I was of myself, I was more giving to him than to me, and the relationship was a priority. After separation, I became my top priority and started giving myself everything I always wanted. I started to make all my own wishes come true. I became a hedonist, I started to enjoy life like never before. And once I started honoring myself, and get comfortable with being selfish, I started to feel very powerful.

What are some signs that you might be disconnected from yourself?  You know something is imbalanced when there is no peace within you without a relationship, or if you are in one, managing the relationship is more important than managing your inner self. Somehow you believe that if you negotiate, communicate, acquiesce, compromise more, you will feel better within the relationship. You won’t, you will only feel more peaceful if you realign with yourself. Another sign is that you are obsessing over a man or a relationship. An obsession is an addiction. An addiction is a deep focus on something outside yourself. When you feel hungry for a man or a relationship it is because there is an emptiness within.

These bad connections with men, family and friends, are simply your indicators that something is wrong within you. These bad connections are not meant to stay in your life, so please don’t focus on keeping them. Instead, look for repeating patters, what toxic situations these people keep bringing to your doorstep, then understand that what needs to change is you and your way of dealing with them. If you constantly keep dealing with selfish people’s demands by sacrificing yourself for their benefit, and waiting for a reward of loyalty or commitment, you are the problem. Stop sacrificing yourself for other people.

You will continue to attract unhealthy people and unsatisfying relationships as long as you refuse to fix yourself. And you will see results and soon as you figure out that you should be choosing you.

I used to be a very bad communicator, I worried that I would hurt people’s feelings, disappoint them, be accused of being mean, so I rarely stood up for myself and expressed my true feelings, instead I bottled them up inside. That turned me into a pressure cooker of anxiety and panic attacks, which would often explode in uncontrollable anger and truly inflict pain on people. I couldn’t effectively communicate to tell them how their behavior was dishonoring me, so I would wait until the explosion shattered them to pieces, then feel bad that I inflicted more pain than necessary. The more I bottled up my feelings and refused to speak my truth, the more I kept attracting people who made me angry but also triggered me into keeping my mouth shut.

I recently traveled with a person who was an energy vampire. At first she was nice, but after a while I noticed that she was making attempts to manipulate me into giving her sympathy, when that didn’t work, she tried kissing my ass, when that didn’t work she pulled stunts to get attention, etc. Finally she asked, what will it take for me to earn your friendship? Don’t you feel sorry for me? I said openly and honestly “No, I will not be your friend. I see that you are unhealthy, and I don’t want to be sucked into a relationship with you”.  I didn’t feel guilty for finally speaking my truth, and choosing to honor myself than coddle her feelings. This is how I chose myself. It felt really good to speak clearly, inoffensively and close that door firmly.

I noticed that once I started communicating more directly and more honestly with people, they started to respect me and my time more. The more you honor yourself, the more others will honor you, and the more those pesky relationships will become a thing of the past.

Once you start to bypass those difficult and uncomfortable relationships, you start to see through people because once upon a time you were just like them.  They are an old lesson learned, you don’t need to stick your finger into their toxic soup to know their acid burns.

However, if you are finding yourself sucked into bad connections over and over again, then the pull is simply a lesson left unlearned. Your umbilical cord to that toxic situation was never cut, that’s why you feel that relationship so deeply, so strongly, it is like you are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. This is why people go through multiple marriages repeating the same cycle over and over again, they are with a different partner in that same exact pattern. They don’t see how they have laid out the pattern themselves. These cycles never end until you roll up your sleeves and start to do the work on your inner self, not on external relationships.

Unfortunately, effective change usually happens when people are worn out, they are tired and have given up. What happens when they give up trying to fix bad people, and bad relationships? There’s nothing left to focus on outside themselves, so they go within, often against their own will. They fall into depression, they become disenchanted with relationships, they face their inner demons, they have nothing left to face but their inner self.

Hindus and Buddhists believe that depression serves a deep spiritual purpose. It is a lifelong habit of refusing to address the self, triggered by an event or incident that sends us into an deep abyss, a darkness that we have to walk through until we shed the ego, face our inner demons, find acceptance, find peace. It is a natural part of life, but also the most painful period anyone could experience facing themselves. Only the strong survive, and only those who have done the inner work will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those who walk out of that darkness (without drugs, having worked on themselves) feel more powerful than ever, when they finally surface. They have found their true self and accepted it, flaws and all. There is no more powerful experience than facing your true self, realizing who you were meant to be all along.

Having been through it, and having found my way out of that darkness all by myself, I can truly say that I am grateful for the experience, and that I am much more powerful as a result. I will write about it more later, it has taken me a couple of years to truly process that period and see how it shaped me.

But, if you are wondering what signal you are sending to unhealthy men that attracts them to you, it is your easy shift in focus away from yourself into them. Women are trained to give energy to everybody on demand. We pay attention to whoever is trying to get our attention, good or bad. We pay attention and give energy to men, even when we have no personal interest in that man.  If your energy flows to any random man simply because he is asking for it, you have a problem staying focused on yourself.

If I can get you to drop working on yourself, compromise your beliefs, and start paying attention to me just by offering you dinner or a drink, you’re too easy. You just dropped yourself in exchange for a date. Work on yourself. A date should be of no value at all, what is of true value is a man who has done as much inner work on himself and evolved as far as you have. The only way you can recognize him is to always be aware of yourself. When your focus is on your energy, you will easily spot people who are a match to your energy. When your focus is on your peace, you will easily notice whether his inner peace matches your own. You won’t fall so easily for a mere distraction, you will know when the offer is real.

S

Karma. Many people hope and pray that karma will bite someone else in the ass, as revenge for pain they have suffered at the hands of other people. Karma is not punishment. Karma will not discipline your ex for breaking up with you. Karma will not hurt anyone other than you. Karma is your own, it belongs to only you. Therefore, it is 100% up to you to deal with and clear your own karma. You cannot inflict karma onto other people.

What is karma? Karma is just an energy of our own beliefs, perceptions, judgments, feelings, and limitations. Karma can be positive when we let go of our judgments, tweak our perceptions, forgive those who have hurt us, work on our feelings, change beliefs that don’t serve us, and move on. This is the process of clearing our own karmic debt. It is work that we do on ourselves for a lifetime. It doesn’t matter how you work on it, with the help of a psychologist, priest, spiritual advisor, or alone. What matters is that you accept responsibility for your own karma, and know that it is solely up to you whether and how you want to clear it.

Karma can also be negative. When we hang onto anger, guilt, shame, judgment, fear, resentment, past issues, we are also hanging onto negative energy. That negative energy is ours, 100%. A lot of people are resistant to admitting that bad energy is theirs, and spend lifetimes hating and judging other people. They perceive the problem as outside of themselves. In thinking that it is the other person’s fault, they are failing to release anger and any negative energy associated with their past, and they carry that karmic debt, their negative emotions with them throughout their lives. Eventually that karmic debt grows and compounds like interest on a credit card. They now carry the burden of negative karmic energy of a lifetime of unresolved issues, anger and emotions.

Regardless of your spiritual or non-spiritual background, you have to deal with unresolved issues, false beliefs, and your own bad energy. In eastern philosophies, those negative energies, compounded over many years will cause physical and emotional illness. In the west, we see them as emotional and psychological problems, that again, should be dealt with, not inflicted on other people.

But karma cannot punish your ex boyfriend. If your ex has cleared his own energies, beliefs and issues, then his beliefs about love and healthy relationships will only benefit him. He will go on to find someone who suits him better. He will enjoy his dating life. Karma can only bring you more of what You believe to be true for yourself. Think of karma like a magnet. It will match you up to exactly those things you believe in, and repeat situations over and over again, because you have not resolved them within yourself.

If you are wondering, why am I always being cheated on? Why am I always dating crazy men? Why am I always clashing with people in my work environment or getting fired? Why am I always experiencing repeated financial loss? Why is my body always in pain? Why is my family always against me? Those answers lie within you. Any situation that repeats itself is your clue as to what is going on within you, what issues and feelings you have got to resolve, and always, forgive, forgive, forgive. Forgiveness is the release of any burdens you have carried with you from the past.

Have you ever heard of stories of people forgiving their oppressor? That mother who forgave her daughter’s killer then paid for his education, that rape victim who forgave, that atrocity survivor who realized she doesn’t want to live like a victim for the rest of her life, and went on to help others heal and forgive. Those are people who released their emotional burdens and cleared their own karma. The reason they were later able to live positive and healthy lives is because they found a way to forgive and release, then replace those negative feelings of anger, fear, judgment with positive ones of love, understanding, and peace.

Karma is your own work. No one can clear it for you. You may seek the help of a professional and that is always helpful, But, you must accept the responsibility for your own karmic debt. You can’t expect your therapist to do the work for you, you can’t expect your guru to enlighten you, you can’t expect people in your life to adjust themselves to your state of mind. The work is all on you.

Karma is not punishment from God, the universe, nor whatever philosophy your believe in. Karma is it’s own punishment. If you hold on to negative energy and beliefs, that karma will only hurt you. That karmic pain is not God’s judgment, instead it is your indicator, your mirror, your tool, your signal to change yourself. We all know that living in negative energy feels like hell. That hell is your own creation. You chose to stay stuck on a concept, a situation, or a feeling, and as a result you bring about more of it to yourself. If you have been victimized in any way, without your own work to forgive and let go, you will hang on to that victimhood for years to come. Victimhood then becomes your reality. You are a victim, not because someone did something to you, but because you have chosen to believe in your victimhood, stay in that feeling, and stay in that situation mentally as long as you want.

When we attach ourselves to certain discordant energies and beliefs, hold onto them, refuse to release, they intensify. Have you noticed that emotional pain can increase over time, as you continue to judge, continue to hate, continue to create new beliefs that support your own perception as the victim. Karma is what you bring onto yourself.

The good news is that karma is also what you clear all by yourself. This is why we are taught to forgive. Forgiveness is not saying that the crime doesn’t matter, my pain is not important, it didn’t happen. Forgiveness is not denial. Denial is about ignoring your pain, pretending it didn’t happen. Instead, forgiveness is acceptance, finding peace in the situation, understanding that at your core, you are still that Self you love so much, loving and caring for that Self.  Forgiveness is also releasing the other person from the burden of feeling guilt, shame, and fear of your wrath. I am okay, and you are okay. Whatever happened happened, I find peace, and I free you to find your own peace.

All humans get hurt all the time. We cannot make it through a day without facing the opposition of someone else, a boss, a coworker, a lover or a family member. Understand, that people aren’t against you, and they are not hell-bent on making you miserable. They too are just humans who are trying their best to stay true to themselves, and what you want and need sometimes conflicts with what they want and need. How you react to other people is your own choice. You can react, or you can act. I hold the intention that whenever possible, I will not explode the second someone imposes a restriction on me. Instead, I will hear the restriction, determine how best to achieve what I want without condemning them. How I act is totally my choice.

So, how would you deal with a painful breakup, or an unfair loss of a job? It feels like judgment when someone rejects us or tells us that we are not good enough for them. The important thing is to recognize that we cannot possibly know what is inside their mind, they may not be judging us at all. They may simply be letting us go because they found some other situation that brings them happiness. The judgment we feel is the judgment that we create about ourselves. I must not be good enough, it sure feels awful that I am not good enough. That bad feeling is inside your body, therefore you own it, not someone else. No one can release it but you.

With my last two breakups, I made the conscious decision to break up differently. In the past, I would identify that other person as the wrongdoer. I would blame him for how I feel. I would judge him to be what is wrong with my life, judge him to be flawed, and quickly seek to cut off the problem from my life. I would swiftly dump the person, then wallow in what was wrong with the relationship, specifically, what was wrong with him. I would fester in that wrongness for weeks and months, and find more examples of how all men are wrong, they all have the same flaw, and feel like a victim for always attracting the same person in a different body. Life was happening unfairly to me. It is no wonder then that every new man I met, would bring me the same expectations, the same narcissism, the same conceit, the same self-servingness, the same wrongness. I have been seeing this wrongness in men since college. In fact, what is really funny is that I earned a college degree that helped me develop a deep understanding of narcissists. Is it any wonder that my preoccupation with the mind of the narcissist meets my expectations every time?

So, the last two breakups were very different for me. Instead of finding fault in the other person, I decided to refrain from that. I understood that this relationship and this person aren’t bad, instead, they are not what I am looking for right now. Instead of blaming the other for how I feel, I honored how I feel because my feelings are valid. But, the other person is not at fault for being who they are. They are not flawed, they are simply not what I need right now. There was no blame, no harsh words exchanged. I spent a lot of time thinking of how can I break up with loving kindness, and feel good about it? We can’t feel good unless we do our best to also allow the other person to feel good too. Neither of us is the bad guy, we are not committing an evil act by removing ourselves from an unwanted situation. ‘I wish you peace, I wish you happiness, I wish you a good life, I wish you much more love than I could ever give you, I wish you a much kinder, more loving, caring person than I could ever be to you. You deserve it.’

How do those last words feel? Sure, there is a feeling of discomfort or sadness in every good-bye. But, ponder for a second what it feels like to break up with love in your heart for the other person, and to sincerely wish them their best life? Is there anything negative or resentment to hold onto in this situation?  In fact, with both men, I accidentally ran into them years later. Each time my words were: ‘I see you are doing very well. You look happy, Life must be treating you well.’ None of my words are fake, I am not acting. I truly believe in their ability to find success, love and happiness in their lives. They are awesome men, quite a catch for some lucky lady. Why not make people feel good about themselves?

But how do I feel about those breakups? Sure, every good-bye feels a little sad. But, the important thing is that I no longer hold resentment for people who I broke up with. They didn’t do anything wrong, there is no wrongness in a breakup. All healthy humans choose the best possible situation for themselves. It is a sign of self-respect. I feel like a woman who always does right by herself. I stand in my own certainty that I am my own creation, that I deserve the best possible situation for myself.

What is my karma now? My love life sure feels different than before. I no longer carry the burden of negativity from past relationships. I forgave everyone because I saw the positive from walking away. Each ending brought on a new beginning. That new beginning was always a new version of me, smarter, kinder, more evolved. Isn’t that what we all strive to be? How do I know that I have released bad karma or that I have released my karmic debt? I see that I no longer attract repeating situations. Instead, I am finding myself in new, fresh situations. Karma will always bring you whatever needs to be resolved. It is never 100% released. As we release old karma, we create new karma, One energy gets released, and we develop a new belief system, a new feeling about a new subject. As long as that new belief or feeling serves us, it feels positive. As soon as it no longer serves us, it starts to feel negative. That is our signal to check our belief system.

As we grow, our belief systems must change. Change is uncomfortable unless you embrace it. Does it serve you to still believe in pain and the awfulness of situations from the past? No. We must adjust to our new reality because we have worked to create that new reality. Therefore, with each change, and each new situation, we have a choice about what we believe to be true, and how we relate to anything that opposes us.

Karma is not punishment for those things done to you by other people. Karma is a very important tool to help you deal with your own life’s path. It is an indicator that shows you whether you are doing right by yourself, or whether you are hurting yourself. If you don’t release your own negative energies and bottled up feelings, then karma can only hurt you. Those negative feelings of anger, rage, jealousy grow within you like hot air in a pressure cooker. If it is not released, it will explode. Do you want to go through life feeling like a pressure cooker? I guarantee when your pressure cooker explodes, it will affect everyone else in it’s surroundings. But worst of all, you will hurt yourself. That is your karma.

Karma can feel like justice. It feels like justice when we are self-aware and understand how we are feeling about a situation, and how those beliefs have brought us into this circumstance. I understand that my preoccupation and frustration with narcissism has brought many friends and lovers into my life who were in fact, narcissists. I earned that. I clear that every day, so that I can clear my karmic debt. Karma can also feel like great injustice. It feels unjust when we lack awareness of our Self, and how that personal belief has brought us the pain we now experience. We bring onto ourselves that which we are. Whether it feels just or unjust is simply our awareness of essence or our karmic burdens and the actions we have taken as a result of those beliefs. Some of us choose not to recognize our own role in our own life.

Learn to transmute energy. You can’t magically turn anger into love. But you can release anger and judgment, let it go, like letting steam out of your pressure cooker. Once enough pressure has been released, there is now plenty of empty space to fill with positive energy. Karma is your own energy. If your creative energy is not bringing the best possible outcomes in your own life, it is because you aren’t actively participating in managing that energy, releasing, letting go, moving on. Life can get better, and better and better, but you have to create space for the better situations by releasing old ones. Karma is the essence of you.

S

Success. Do you envision success as something that you will eventually enjoy in the future once you have reached an income level, a professional title, a milestone? Many people who seek success in life do so through struggle, through force, through toil, for them that path to success does not feel good. Many believe that it is a long and arduous journey of blood, sweat and tears, and that eventually at some later date, they will enjoy the fruits of their labor. It may seem so because we all follow that same blueprint: school, degrees, qualifications, practice, experience, rising income levels, savings, promotions, setbacks, more work, more promotions. So, when do we actually feel successful? Later?

I used to know a very successful man, I was married to him. He was probably the most successful person I know, because he became successful at 22, on his first entry level job, when his starting salary in 1995 was $20,000/year. He taught me that you have to have the success mindset before you actually become successful. You all have heard this theory, that you have to feel it before you can be it. It sounds wishy-washy to most of us, but having been married to him for 15 years, I witnessed him promise himself he will be the youngest employee to earn $100K within 6 months, and actually do it, own a BMW within 6 months that he pays for in cash, and he actually did it, become a VP before 30, manage his first merger, earn a million before 35 and he actually did all those things. How did he do it? Hard work? Nope. He never worked hard. I was his office-mate, I worked much harder than he did, put in more hours, was nicer to clients, did more to impress the boss, yet he always received letters of gratitude from clients, customers would send him expensive gifts, he won office contests, got free vacations, etc. He never believed in any wishy-washy theories about success, but he did practice success. When I asked him, how did you do it, he would always claim I practice success every day. What does that mean?

At 22, he just graduated from college with no work experience and everybody already knew he was the most successful new hire in the office. He lived, breathed, embraced success. Though his job was entry level, he was already projecting qualities of a manager. He studied what skills a manager must possess and then practiced those skills every day in the office. He studies what goals our bosses had to meet, and then he exceeded their goals. I feel successful, I know I am successful, I am success.

Looking back, I now understand his mindset because today I practice the same. I AM. He never, ever, ever allowed the possibility of “what if I don’t succeed”. He never allowed doubt, he never allowed my questioning his ability- he would NEVER acknowledge my nay-sayings. Even when shit hit the fan in our office and many people were getting laid off, he never entertained the possibility that this could happen to him. I guess this is what you call single mindedness, focus, certainty, trust in yourself.

Also, he enjoyed his success even when no one could see his success. Yes, he was proud of his $20K salary. I wasn’t, I was annoyed they didn’t offer us more. But he was very proud, and he enjoyed his salary like it was huge. He practiced shopping. He spent weekly lunch hours at the BMW dealership talking to sales people as if he could afford that car. He knew exactly what it would take to earn it, he calculated the numbers he had to achieve, and acted as if it is a piece of cake. That car was already his. I had my doubts about him, is this guy for real? But he was so grateful and so proud of the little he was earning, that he talked about his success when no one else could see it. I used to be embarrassed for him. He acted like a fool. He would even talk to all the executives in our office about the car he was planning to buy as if he could actually afford it. The car was in his driveway 6 month after he got hired, and yes it was fully paid for in cash.

One day he told me “Your problem is that you know what could go wrong, while I only know what could go right”. I was offended, but it was true. We worked in banking, and all I could see are deals falling apart, closings canceled, time running out to meet our goals, stress, stress, stress. I knew I was smarter than him, had a better degree, I was much more diligent, but yes, all I could focus on are those things that could go wrong- and they often did. Some of our clients were facing bankruptcy and foreclosure, and I carried all their emotional burdens on my own back.

When I asked my ex, don’t you feel sorry for the clients you can’t help? He said no, I only feel happy for the people I can help, think how lucky they are to have me help them reach their financial goals? Those clients would write him letters of gratitude, call our manager to tell him what an awesome employee he was, refer more business to him.

He could see success in every situation, even when the entire industry was crashing, there was still a lot to feel proud of, and a lot to feel successful about. It took me 20 years to reach the same mindset, but it definitely came with a struggle to remove all my mental blocks.

It was much easier for me to feel successful about other things. I learned how to feel unconditional with love years ago, how to be unconditional about inner peace, how to be unconditional about my self, and once I learned how to never consider the possibility of hardship or failure (hard to do when you have anxiety and panic attacks), I saw success just pour in for me. I meditate to clear my obstacles, and reset my mind. It helps a lot. But once I stopped allowing any other possibilities to come into my awareness, the money just started to pour in. I lost everything I own 10 years ago, and spent many years in anxiety worried whether I would ever earn it all back. That worry was my self-doubt that was getting in the way.

I never actually realized how quickly I regained all the money I lost, how few years it took me to earn much, much more, how many impressive titles I’ve been promoted to since then, how easily money comes to me now, because I stayed focused on the financial disaster of 10 years ago. I swept all my successes under the rug, and allowed that past disaster to become me.  It was my identity, and that belief that I am that past misfortune was my one and only obstacle. I am sorry I believed it.

I no longer worry about anything. Instead I only feel success. But I had to realize that I already am successful and appreciate it. It never occurred to me that when 18 months ago I decided to take 2 years off from work to travel that was proof of success. Not many people can afford to do it, I should be proud of it. Now I am appreciating all those trappings of success I never acknowledged, but always had. They truly are meaningful if you take the time to be grateful. There is no meaning in buying a mansion, unless you know how to be grateful for your mansion. There is no meaning in buying a diamond tiara, unless you know how to be absolutely proud of your tiara. It will look ridiculous, unless you know you truly deserve it. There is no meaning to money. It is just paper, But you give it meaning with how you feel about it. It could be paper, but it could also be pride, accomplishment, charity, noble deeds, helping others- it is whatever meaning you assign to it.

Sometimes it is those people who have hurt you the most that teach you the best lessons. That ex husband is long gone, an old memory I never think of. But, to this day I realize that this person handed me the blueprint to success. I never knew that success is about how I feel about myself and my own abilities. That’s not a lesson you learn in school. It should be.

Do you realize that you already are who you intended to be? We all have much, much more than we acknowledge. Look around you. Some of you ladies went to the best schools in the world, some of you have crisscrossed the world multiple times, many of you are community leaders, CEOs, entertainers, stars. Buy something nice for yourself that feels like success. Wear something that shows pride in who you are right now, not who you will be later. I am a doctor, I am an attorney, I am a VP, I am a CEO, I am a celebrity, I am a leader. I AM.

S

You are working on yourself, investing in your inner being, developing a sense of purpose and a strong identity. Everything is going well, except you cannot seem to reach that thing you want most. That job is in a far off city, that man is married, the bank won’t qualify you for that new home. What is happening when you are growing, expanding, creating peace within, but everything around you seems to be saying No? I know I am bigger, better, wiser, but those things I am striving for always seem out of my reach. I often get asked by women, “I know I have put in the work on myself, I just traveled around the world in 80 days and competed my MBA at the same time, but that job I want, and that man I want are nowhere to be seen”.

Well, what’s happening on your inside? What are you fixated upon, what are you attached to, what situations, people, or beliefs are you refusing to let go of? That powerful job you always wanted won’t be yours if your roots are firmly planted in your small town, and you are codependently still attached to your mother with an umbilical cord. You won’t leave her. You won’t have that amazing, giving, loving man, if you are attached to feelings of pain of an old lover. You might think that your high flying lifestyle and that new degree make you a match for success and a bigger paycheck, but you are not. You are very much on the level of whatever you are attached to.

We are all attached to something or someone. Many of us are not aware that we are attached to painful situations, that we carry other people’s burdens, that we are stuck on beliefs we acquired in childhood that do not serve us at all. Why are we so surprised when years later, we are still surrounded by same stuff, same people, repeating patterns? We want to race forward, but something is dragging us behind, like an anchor. That anchor is all your attachments.

I have recently been working on my attachments. I wrote about this a few times- the art of non-attachment as a meditational practice, but also a daily practice of not emotionally attaching myself to people, objects of value, old beliefs. I noticed in my meditation that some old ideas are playing like a broken record in my head. These are like background noises that have always been there, that I kept ignoring. Then it dawned on me, these repetitive old thoughts are my attachments. Attachments are just energetic blockages, the obstacles that prevent us from receiving whatever we are reaching for.

Yes, it is very important to cultivate a Self, to practice inner balance, to continuously expand our knowledge of ourselves as we relate to the world, but none of those efforts will guide us down our path if we are anchored into place by attachments.

Here’s an attachment: I always wanted to go back to Europe for a couple of years, but always believed that I can’t because of my elderly parents. Once dad died, that became obvious. I had to back out of a romantic relationship that was leading me back to Europe, and refuse a prestigious job offer for that same reason. That firm belief prevented me from seeing that I could rework both situations, the job offer and the relationship so that I could still have them, but still be able to take care of mom. Imagine my surprise when a couple of years later I found out that the person who got that job commutes between NYC and Geneva. I was attached to my home situation, I believed in my obstacle more than I believed in my belief that I could enjoy this job. I firmly believed I’d have to choose between mom and the job, when nothing could have been further from the truth. There are successful VP’s all over the world who have moms and they still manage to take care of them and get the job done.

What happens when you let go of someone or something you are emotionally attached to? No, you don’t ruin that relationship. You simply liberate yourself from being obligated to them. You become more free to honor yourself and your own needs, and in that freedom you can love and care for other people better. What feels better? Taking care of your mother because you love her, or taking care of an elderly parent because it is an obligation? Love is a much better motivator than an obligation.

When you cut emotional and energetic ties, you don’t lose those people. Instead, you make relationships better, healthier. The other person then has a choice to go down that better path with you, or completely opt out.

Our attachments are our blinders. We can’t see beyond them. It’s no wonder then, that we cannot create beyond our own belief system. Our attachments are more real than those goals and dreams we fantasize about. Doesn’t it make sense to break them?

Usually, when I start cutting cords, breaking out of whatever chains I am attached to, change happens very quickly. All those things that were out of my reach suddenly present themselves to me. I couldn’t see them before, or I perceived opportunities as obstacles.

Whenever I feel stuck, like life is not moving forward, nothing is happening for me, I check my attachments. What am I still attached to? In meditation I can see that nasty thought that keeps popping up in my head. There is something in that thought. It is usually some old, ugly belief I have no use for, but I am still playing that broken record. What are your nightmares about? That should tell you something about the fears you are attached to. A few of my friends know that I had repeating nightmares of car crashes, accidents, road hazards, and how debilitating they were when they actually became reality. This wasn’t just a nightmare, it was a fear in real life. And then, I actually had 2 car accidents that left me even more scared than ever. When I analyzed my fear, I realized that it was at least 10 years old. That fear became a belief system. I believed in it so firmly, that I actually started living it. I was so attached to that fear, that I made all decisions for two years out of fear. No wonder my life wouldn’t budge forward. Yes, at the same time, I was working on some big things in my life, but it wasn’t until I released that fear that things started to progress forward.

If you are not manifesting whatever you want, check what is holding you back? Your helium balloon cannot float upward and reach for the sky, when it is anchored to a weight. Chances are that there is a lot holding you back that you aren’t aware of.

In any given moment, there is a lot holding me back- my entire belief system. I want that guy over there, but this nasty one keeps texting me over and over again. I want that job that feels like freedom, power, and immense success, but I feel an obligation to this tiny project that I have to deliver. I know I can always do better, so why am I still here? Your obstacles are your ‘Yes but’. Yes, I want that job in Europe, but my mom requires care here, I cannot leave her. Yes, I want that man who matches my level of inner development and enlightenment, but I am still obsessing about that ex who made me so angry. Yes, I want to be my own boss, but I have bills to pay so I settle for steadier streams of income. That ‘Yes but’ is your false belief system, your obstacle, and your anchor. Release it.

If you can’t meditate, then consciously change your belief around that situation. That angry ex who is constantly on my mind is holding me back from a healthy new relationship. He is not on my mind because I need him, but because I am stuck on his pain and the injustice he caused me like a broken record. What if I could shift my perspective? We all know we are supposed to forgive, but we can’t truly forgive until we have some sympathy and love for the person who caused the anguish. So, I now see that ex as someone who gave me a new direction in life. His anger and control opened my eyes to what I do not want in my life, so now I am able to select better. His control taught me how to release myself from the grasp of very unhealthy people. I am so much better today thanks to that ex. I actually appreciate that ex now, and speak very highly of him. I changed my story, so my reality shifted. The ex is no longer a painful burden I carry on my shoulders, I tossed that boulder and started sprinting forward. As soon as I did that, dozens of new men came into my life.

We are all constantly working on improving ourselves on an internal level. The speed at which we travel through life, receive what we want, and then get more, depends on how much of a burden we carry with us. What can move faster? That heavy Mack truck designed to carry tons of weight, or that light, weightless sports car that can barely fit a load of groceries?

Lighten your burdens. We are all burdened by something, and it is our job to cut off old ties, say goodbye to people who are holding us back, and open our hands so we can receive more.

S

This scenario is all too familiar for a lot of grown women.  Your friend is in a frustrationship with a douchebag who isn’t stepping up for her. The douche is messaging, trying to get some alone time with you. He knows you two are close, so why would he contact her friend? Why not target a woman not known to her? Why would any male specifically target his partner’s good friend?

Men are insecure, we all know that. My personal theory is that with age women become more confident, while men grow more unsure of themselves. This becomes more apparent at middle age when all humans come in touch with their own mortality, hormonal changes, challenges to the ego, body changes, and loss of attractiveness to the opposite sex. It is a difficult period for both men and women, and we all have to face ourselves in the mirror. A funny thing happens to men at this time. One morning they wake up and look down to notice that their tiny little Jimmy did not rise to greet them. Wtf does this mean? It happens again a few weeks later. He walks into the bathroom, looks down, and there’s more hair than ever on the bathroom floor. The hairline is receding, and months afterward he notices the ladies are no longer chasing, suddenly no one sees him as a catch, girls compare him to dad, and fewer and fewer women are seeking his attention.

It is a difficult time for most men, but emotionally insecure men have a harder time dealing with this. If his manhood was derived from the attention he previously got from the opposite sex, and if that attention is now declining, then where is his manhood? If women aren’t willing to validate him, admire him, or worse, if they now challenge his perception of himself, an aging man can become hostile, bitter, vengeful. We have all seen that aspect of manhood. I could write chapters on this subject, but for the purpose of this post, it is enough to say that when men try to pit two women against each other, target their partner’s friend, or seek the attention of inappropriate women, they are operating from a place of deep insecurity.

As a grown woman I know that any attention he could pay me is a waste of my time, no one wants attention like that. This has happened to me more times than I care to remember, and it has always resulted in the loss of a very good friend. Most women cannot handle the truth, but what happens more often is that the douchebag twists the situation around to cover his ass, making it look like two women are fighting over him, and he gets to pound his fists on his chest, playing the part of a wanted man.

Knowing my friend’s situation, I know that he fails to step up to her level. To be clear, she isn’t seeking commitment from him at all, nor is she angling to get his attention. My friend exceeds him in personal character, career, social standing. She simply wants him to communicate like a grown-up, state what he wants, instead of playing guessing games. She doesn’t see herself getting serious with him at all, she has downgraded him a long time ago to a summer fling.

Has this ever happened to you? If I was a brainless twit, I might be flattered by a douchebag’s attention. But I know he isn’t worth a cheap drink in a plastic cup. Thus far I have ignored his requests to hang out. I simply do not answer his messages. I don’t want to answer him because any attention paid to an attention seeker is still attention, and I want to show him that this door is closed.

This is not the first time this has happened. I have had friends’ husbands contact me during their divorce declaring they are serious about me. What are men thinking? That I would date a friend’s used goods? That their wife’s friend would jump at an opportunity to date a man being disposed? In the past when I have questioned their motives, all men declared that I should see them as an opportunity. And when I have challenged their delusion, they used my disinterest against me by going back to the wife claiming her friend wants him. This sounds like a ridiculous scenario but I have seen it personally at least a dozen times. This topic has come up in the Goddess private forum, and many women have experienced being placed into a triangle with a good friend and a man they absolutely do not want.

So what are men thinking when they seek the attention of their partner’s friend?  I think that men often target friends to make their partner feel insecure, but also to get two women to fight over him, or at least create drama over him. He creates the delusion that two women want him, when in fact neither is taking him seriously. What a way for a man to feel like a man.

Why would this particular douche want my friend to feel insecure? Because he can’t do anything for her except provide a little company that she could easily get from anyone else. Because she has always insisted on an open relationship, as she is serious about finding a more satisfying relationship with someone else. Because she is open and honest, has told him where she stands, and that she isn’t looking for anything more. Is his attempt at triangulation working? I am not falling for it at all. At this age I know that an insecure male can’t do anything for either of us.

But when I was much younger I used to fall in this trap as do many less experienced women. No, I never pursued a friend’s mate. But I was inexperienced enough to engage with the douchebag or narcissist, to communicate my lack of interest. I falsely believed that if I expressed why his attention was wrong, he would understand and back off. This is always a big mistake, because any communication at all will be used against you. The insecure male would always twist the story around, act as if I had initiated something with him, and his partner would get hurt, which is all part of his plan to extract attention from her. And in every case, the douche would then cause drama between two friends and get off on the fact that there are two women causing a ruckus over him which was never the case.

Psychologists call this behavior triangulation. I won’t go into it here, it is a widely known concept used by narcissists and emotional manipulators to make women vie for them. Even when women are too mature to fight over him, he will still extract a little boost for himself, knowing that he at least emotionally wounded one of them. Any display of pain or grief over the situation strokes his ego.

The situation with my friend has not gone that far, but the unwanted attention I have gotten in the past from friends’ spouses and significant others has taught me how to deal with them. These are not men. I call them emotional midgets. We all get insecure sometime, but these people seek to build their manhood from attention they get from women. This can work when he is young, sexually relevant, and a viable candidate. But after a certain age, women stop pursuing men. When men are psychologically healthy, they learn to cope, accept and adapt to their new reality. When men are not healthy, they seek to trigger women into extracting attention from them. Creating competition or conflict between two friends is a sure way to extract a bit of manhood from a situation.

There are thousands of ways that both sexes manipulate each other to validate themselves. Triangulation is just one of them. Unfortunately, many women unwittingly fall for this, and end up serving only his ego. If you are in a situation where you are receiving inappropriate attention from a friend’s partner, understand that you are not dealing with a genuine man. Any attention you get from him is just bait.

If you find yourself triangulated, the worst thing that you can do is engage him in conversation. He wants your engagement, he wants your attention regardless if it is positive or negative. His weak ego feeds off attention, so it doesn’t matter whether you eagerly pursue him or express disgust- he just got your attention. The best thing to do is no engagement at all. Do not answer texts, do not respond to invitations at all.

Whether you tell your friend depends on her level of maturity and her level of emotional involvement with him. That’s your call. But know that a lot of women protect insecure men rather than expose them, and there is a high likelihood she will choose him. She might even choose to protect her own ego rather than face the emotional discomfort of facing the friend her partner pretends to prefer.

Emotional manipulation is a trademark of an unevolved person. This is something children do as they learn to relate and find their place in the world. This is not the level that healthy grownups relate to each other.  Unfortunately, it takes many uncomfortable situations and losses of friendships to learn that this is not a man by any stretch of the imagination. That attention is toxic and accepting it will only harm you. Extract yourself from the situation quietly and without drama. Remember, he is just waiting for the drama to start.  Don’t feed his ego.

S

Do you accept half-assed relationships? Do you accept non-committal, let’s see what happens kind of situations that leave you hanging? Be honest, why do you accept offers of nothing? Why do you go along for the ride? To see what happens? To see if he changes, or offers more of a relationship later? No man has the power to put you in a relationship you don’t want to be in. It is up to you to say yes or no, and only you. If he is dragging, why are you allowing yourself to be dragged? If he is not saying anything, why are you still waiting for him to say something? By waiting, you are becoming passively committed to the wait. You are transferring power to him, so he can decide what he wants.

In reality, men have very little power, we hold most of it. But most women have been lead to believe that they have to patiently wait for his offer, to patiently go along with his flow, so that he can sample different relationships, never feel burdened by your needs, and to always let him decide. Girl, the decision is yours, not his. Only a Goddess knows that right from the start. If you are sick of being taken for a ride, it is totally your responsibility, and within your power to not go on any rides until you know exactly where that ride is going. Would you get into a taxi if you didn’t know where the driver is going?

Dating has become an opportunity for men to take many shiny objects for a ride, and women to patiently wait for him to decide what he wants. This is ridiculous! You already know what you want, so there’s no need to entertain men who don’t know exactly what they want. YOU. Yes, unless he is totally interested in dating you and only you, then he is wasting your time. If his offer is “no pressure, let’s see what happens”, or “let’s hang out”, then he is not expressing interest in only you. He is giving you an opportunity to be in his circle or on his roster. How good is that offer? It’s useless.

You know what kind of a man you want and what kind of a relationship you want already. Admit it, you have a pretty clear idea of what that would look like. A man must demonstrate that he is ready, willing and able to be in that kind of relationship, and only with you, before you begin to give him your company. Plenty of men are willing to do that when they are ready. So don’t give chances or hang out with fuck boys who are not ready, don’t know what they want, who are just hanging out, or have multiple women on their roster. You are not a sample, so don’t give him a sample of your company, nor anything at all until he has clearly committed himself to dating only you. It is very easy to say no thanks to half-assed offers of half-assed relationships. Yes, sometimes you have to say No Thank you to that dream man, who doesn’t see you as his dream woman. Just say no. At the very least, if you don’t get him, he will respect you for not accepting a pile of Nothing.  Her are a few examples of half-assed offers, and how to disengage from them.

Do you want to hang out sometime? “I hang out with platonic friends, so if you want to be just friends, we can hang out.”

My job is stressful, I travel a lot, I just got out of a crazy relationship- means I am not ready for anything. You reply “Sounds like you are going through a very rough time. I’d rather date a man who can fully contribute to a healthy relationship right now.”

I don’t want anything serious right now. “It doesn’t sound like you are ready for anything serious. I date men who are ready for something serious”.

So, can I call you some time? “It depends on what you want. Do you know exactly what you want?” Sure, I’d like to get to know you, and see what happens. “I’ve dated a lot of “let’s see what happens’. Those men usually don’t amount to much”. But, can’t we still get to know each other? “We’ll start getting to know each other once you know exactly what you want with me”.

In all instances, a woman is being offered a half-assed opportunity to hang, to get to know, a hope of some future scenario he isn’t entirely sure of. Now do you see why saying yes to such nonsense gets you taken for a ride, and amounts to nothing? Your responsibility is to determine exactly what he wants, not in general, but what he wants from you. In general, he might want to get married some day. Don’t fall for it, he hasn’t said he would like to marry you. Your responsibility is to know what his current dating status is and if he has other women on his roster. You don’t want to be on anyone’s roster, so you are not going to negotiate anything with him at all. The mistake most women make is they start to negotiate with a man who has no specific interest in just her. You are opening that can of worms all by yourself.

Half-assed relationships go both ways. I know plenty of men who don’t know how they got themselves into relationships with women they didn’t want. It all started with ‘hanging’ and not knowing what he wants, and not being serious. A year later, it is the lack of his own clarity and his own unwillingness to ask uncomfortable questions that gets him onto a path that she has already laid out before him. That’s what we all get from giving time to people who don’t know what they want, and negotiating with people we haven’t determined are right for us.

People who don’t know what they want, people who are not looking for anything serious, people who just want to hang out, people who are sampling the goods, have absolutely no ability to be what someone who is looking for commitment needs them to be. I admit, I am often the one who is non-committal, and only interested in some fun. There’s nothing wrong with wanting fun and non-monogamy. But, I never take people for a ride. I don’t bread-crumb men, I always state 100% honestly where I stand so there’s no confusion later. Often, men want more time than I want to give them. In my attempt to be perfectly clear, I often state “Just so you know, I have no intention of sleeping with you”. I let him decide if he still wants to keep hanging after he has processed that info.

Being taken for a ride goes both ways. You can’t claim men take you for a ride, unless you are willing to get into the car with no clear destination with them.  Accepting half-assed offers from men who are not focused on you but on everyone else, is a sign of a woman who is willing to accept much less than what she wants just for an opportunity to build something with someone, some day. Why would you accept an offer that is deferred to amount to something later?

Your job is not to give chances to men who are merely asking for your time, your job is to not negotiate anything with them at all. Even though I go through periods when I am non-committal, when I am interested in dating, I only date men who 1) I have identified as men I want 2) they have clearly stated that they are interested in dating only me and 3) their idea of a proposed relationship matches what I want.  Yes, I have drastically reduced my dating pool of time wasters, dawdlers, I don’t know what I wanters, wishy washies, and pesky fleas. They are never worth anyone’s consideration at all. Quit talking to them.

But, accepting a half-assed relationship is your own doing. No man can put you in a relationship or a situation you don’t want to be in. You entertained a feeble offer based on hope, a fantasy, a possible future outcome, an offer that was not based on facts, clear intent, proven character, or truth. When we enter situations with people who just want to wait and see what happens, we usually enter the state of waiting.  That is the wrong situation to be in.

S

Magical Thinking: My love is enough. I will love him so much, that I am going to get him to love me.

Both men and women believe that their own desire for the other person makes the connection valid. Both men and women believe that the one-sided desire (that non-reciprocated desire), makes the connection real. Both falsely believe that they can “get” somebody to love them.

What can you “get” from that other person when you love them one-sidedly? You can get them to take whatever you give. You can get them to accept or tolerate your time and your attention. You can get them to revel in your adoration, affection, physical pleasure. You can get them to enjoy the ego-boost you have created for them. You can get them to display your adoration of them, your affection for them, your devotion to them in public. In essence, you are creating an egoic “love”, a narcissistic “love” where you give adoration and devotion to the other, while he simply enjoys it, and displays it for others to see as proof of his validity.

The truth is, that authentic, fully reciprocated love is not about trading affection for love, relationship, or commitment. There is no earning one’s approval, by creating so much love that the other will magically fall in love in equal measure. There is no “getting “ anything. When love is authentic and pure, there is absolutely nothing to be gotten. We love for the feeling of love. Not many people can accept that. They are over-focused on getting something, earning something, qualifying for something, and later, when that object of their affection does not feel the same, they realize that they have poured themselves into the other person, while the other simply drank from their full cup.

When you create such a dynamic, you hurt yourself. When you believe that your one-sided interest is enough, you too are demonstrating ego-based love, and your own narcissism. How dare you assume that your self-interest is enough to qualify for the other person? One-sided interest is the shallowest offering of love a human could create. In fact, that narcissistic love is a social perversion causing a lot of social problems and a huge rift in gender relations. What you are watching in the news today is malignant, narcissistic, one-sided desire to satisfy the self.  I have said this many times before, the entire romance and relationship industry is built on “getting” people who don’t want you to want you. There is nothing more low, than relating to others based on what you can get, or on feeding your ego.

Yet, most relationships between givers and takers are based on this formula. One person is hungry to satisfy the emptiness within, they seek to satisfy that hunger by pursuing a relationship. They believe that to achieve validation, the must act, earn, chase, pour all of themselves into the other person, to “get” them. They falsely believe that once they get that person, they will be satisfied, they too will feel validated. No one can own another person. Owning a person is called slavery. Have you ever noticed that lovers who own the other, are slaves to the relationship? Why? They have nothing, just an illusion that they have gotten a person who had low interest in them. The slavery to the relationship and the other person is a never ending cycle of giving to get, giving to get, and more giving. They must keep working, giving, trying, standing on their heads, because no amount of work is ever enough to own the affection and loyalty of the other person. The other person is just as hungry. Their emptiness will always be unsatisfied, so they will go wherever there are givers willing to fulfill them. This is your basic codependent relationship.

If you are wondering why you always seem to fall into relationships with narcissists, it is because you are a big piece of the puzzle, you are choosing to ignore. You are responsible for the relationships you get into, and your own actions are a signal to beasts who are looking to feed off your attention and affection. Your magical thinking that my love will be enough for him, that your interest in him makes the connection valid, and your willingness to earn him, please him, teach him, protect him, guide him, repair him, support him, feed him, prove loyalty to him, shower him with unconditional love will be enough to create a mutual good feeling, and enough love for both.

Think of dating as a round table filled with people who are ready, willing, and able to date you. Each person holds a cup of love in front of them. Each cup holds 2 dl (8 oz) of love. Imagine that you have some love to give, and now you are looking around the table to see who is a good match for you. People who are healthy are looking for an equal. Love in equal measure, is love that can be equally reciprocated. They are likely to choose a person whose love offer is equal to their own level of interest and commitment. Codependents and narcissist are not attracted to equality at all. Women who are attracted to narcissists are often not looking for an equal cup of love because they can’t do anything to fill a full cup. Instead, they are looking to pour themselves into the other person, to throw themselves into the challenge of filling his cup. A full cup and an empty cup are codependents seeking validation from what they can do for the other. I can fill your cup, and in exchange I will gain validation from being yours. It is no wonder that the starving are most attracted to those who have the most to give.

We have all been in relationships with a narcissist more often than we care to remember. Yet, very few people are willing to look within to discover what role am I playing in creating these kinds of relationships. Yes, you too are responsible for the toxicity you bring into your own life, so what are you doing wrong?

At the core of your own toxic belief system is the idea that my interest, and my own desire qualify me for the object of my desire. I like him, I love him, I want him, therefore I am the only one who deserves him. That doesn’t sound so toxic when we think of it from the perspective of fulfilling our own needs. There’s nothing wrong with getting what I want, that’s harmless. Now, turn the tables. Most women have been pursued by men they do not want. Most women know what it is like to say no, and have that word quickly dismissed by a hungry, relentless man. Most women know what it is like to have a man they don’t want pursue them so much that they are immediately turned off, frightened, disgusted. Yet, the hungry always believe that their own interest is enough. Malignant love is when the recipient decides to take what the other is willing to give. You want to earn my attention? You want to feed me love? You want to strive for me? You want to die for me? Show me. How far are you willing to go for me? How badly do you want it? Most women who are in this vicious cycle will shower men with endless support and adoration. And a lot men who are in the same cycle are willing to buy love, pay for every moment, buy every kiss with cash. None of these relationships are true. Yet, this is how society teaches us to love. Do something valiant, throw yourself into the ring, give yourself fully, and then you will earn a reward. In the end, there is no villain. Both people are to blame, both are equally responsible. Where there are buyers, there are sellers, and opportunists, and traders of love that is always available for sale.

If you find yourself in repeating patterns with narcissists, understand that you are at the core of the problem. Your own beliefs about love are a perfect match to theirs. You must meet, you are drawn to each other like magnets. There is no way out until you learn to de-magnetize yourself, and that takes years of introspection, learning about your own self, breaking your own patterns, and changing your entire belief system about relationships, redefining manhood, weaning yourself off codependency, and establishing your own definition of what a healthy relationship is. That is all your own work. Most humans aren’t willing to do that, because they believe that the next relationship, the next person, the next opportunity will satisfy them. It won’t. Next is just an opportunity for you to drink more of your own poison.

Every relationship is a mirror to your inner self. We all refuse to look in that mirror, because we refuse to believe that we are our own creation. If I truly created myself, I would not be so ugly, I would not have such a toxic belief system, I would not be so needy, I would no be so codependent. That mirror is not me! It is you. The other is always the villain, I am always a giver while the other always a taker, he is the narcissist, I’m just a victim. Please, grow up. Until you are willing to study the person in the mirror, you will never understand the self. True power is being able to study your own darkness, go within and face the ugly, accept that this is me, I AM THE PROBLEM that I see in others.

Remember, healthy people aren’t seeking to love someone greater than them, someone more than they are, someone who has more to give, someone to rescue them, nor someone they can look up to. Healthy people know their self worth, they know what they can give and what they can’t, so we are always looking for an equal of the same self-knowledge, experience, and level of consciousness. Equality has nothing to do with money, service, or status, equality is of the self. Those of us who are very conscious of who we are on the inside, can easily spot when the other is not our equal, and simply on our doorstep to feed. But people who lack awareness of their own inner world, their true self, have no basis to make an accurate comparison. One partner will always seek someone to fill his empty cup, while the other will seek to pour all herself into that empty, leaking cup. There will never be enough love in their equation.

At the core of all your relationships is just you and your own belief system. If you want better relationships, you have to operate from a higher perspective. Love is not what you can do for someone else, nor what they can do for you. You will never get someone using games and mindless tactics. You will never give enough to satisfy the other person. Take a step back, and look in the mirror. What void are you attempting to fill in yourself?

S

“I am waiting to see what you deliver”.

I was seeing this guy on and off in the last few years. It was never serious, always causal. We recently reconnected, had a few drinks and without warning he poured his heart out. It all sounded genuine and sincere, unfortunately for him, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I have seen this before. Yes girls, men know how to cry on command to get what they want too. Never fall for crocodile tears. After that chat, he called a few days later and asked “So, do you think we should try again? You don’t seem that thrilled to reconnect”. I said “Your words sounded poetic, I’m waiting to see what you deliver”.

My own words made me realize, why don’t women wait for the delivery before they start believing in the sales pitch? Many of us fall for the sales pitch each and every time, we think we bought a Ferrari until he delivers a used clunker to our doorstep. He talked a good talk, he said all the right things, totally got her hopes up, then he stood on the sidelines, and waited for her to create the relationship by herself, push the relationship forward, while he observed what she is willing to do to get it.

That’s not how things work for a Goddess. We don’t believe in the sales pitch. If he is pretending to be a Ferrari, he better deliver a masterpiece of a relationship into your driveway BEFORE you start building anything with him, BEFORE you invest emotionally, BEFORE you even take him for a test drive. Some men take women for a test drive, and some dimwits willingly go along. And after the test drive, he is nowhere to be found. Why? If you were a car sales woman, would you hand the keys to a Ferrari to someone who doesn’t qualify for it? No, you would qualify the customer before you hand him the keys.

But really, all women should be taking men for a relationship test drive. After all, most men will say anything they think women want to hear, and they will spin tall tales until they get that free test drive. Before you give him anything at all, see what he delivers. If you want a relationship, why not test his relationship skills before you give him anything at all? If you want something long term, or if you want commitment, why not get commitment first before you start committing yourself? We make it too easy on men by letting them earn us just by going through the motions of a few dates. Why not test drive him in a relationship, and demand to see what he delivers in terms of a healthy relationship before you even consider making any effort at all?

Take it from someone who has been around the block a few times. 99.99% of nice guys are not who they claim to be. They may be nice, but they’ve got nothing a real woman wants.  The vast majority cannot meet your needs even if they did their absolute best. The smart thing to do is to see what they can actually do, before making any effort at all.

You’ve heard the phrase ‘Show me the money’, well every woman should be asking “Show me the relationship” and taking careful notes about what he delivers, weather his delivery pleases you, weather it is enough for you, could you find someone who could do it better. All those questions should be answered with a crystal clear demonstration, before you enter this relationship at all.

If what you want is a 100% committed relationship, then test him on his commitment. If he is demonstrating that he is 100% committed, then he has no time to test drive any other women. You will know it the minute he goes missing. Why do women give men what they want on the 3rd date, if they have not yet received what they asked for?

You should only be dating what I call the 100%-ers, the men who are 100% ready to demonstrate their genuineness and sincerity. But, please don’t make this the basis for your selection. ALL men will offer 100% commitment up front when you are out of their league, if they can’t get anyone better, if they haven’t much success in dating, if women ignore them, if they are too old to be relevant to women. You do NOT want to select from any of these. If they are not worth any woman’s time, they are not worth yours. So don’t be fooled by commitment. Any old dog will be loyal when no one else is willing to feed him.

You want 100% commitment only from the men you have identified yourself as sleepable, datable, relatable, and qualified to be with you. That is a very small percentage of the population. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to give every guy asking for your attention any time at all. You should spend most of your time NOT dating, but sifting and sorting through the males who are strong candidates. This takes a lot of self-awareness and an understanding of who you are on the inside. You cannot properly assess who complements you unless you know your personal strengths and weaknesses, your emotions, and your own psyche. If you don’t know that, every man will disappoint you.

It does not serve you to date traditionally at all. I will write more on this later, but for now let’s say that rather than going out on dates and seeing who is willing to go through the motions with you, stop dating completely. Instead, spend most of your time getting to know vast circles of men socially. You don’t need a date, what you need are males you have qualified with your own senses, attraction points and desires to merely be in your company. You don’t need dinner and a drink, what you need is to assess how relatable they are, how genuine or phony they are, who they are at their core, how do they relate to other women, what is their m.o.?

You will gather more relevant information about men if you get to know them on a social level without any promise of dating involved. And you can easily filter out 99% of the phonies or people who don’t meet your needs without going through the motion of dating. Traditional dating is exhausting, and by following the blueprint of traditional dating, you will always fall into that trap where you have to deliver the test drive long before he has proven himself as a man. Don’t fall into that trap.

Make your own rules, follow them, honor them, and never apologize for them. Spend years identifying, then sharpening what you want. Never be in a hurry to select a man at all. There is no shortage of men in the universe, you were only taught to believe in the scarcity.

Once you have a pool of sleepable, datable, relatable men, this is the time to see what they can deliver. You can test all of them at the same time, as long as you want, because you are not sleeping with any of them, until they have demonstrated they are adept at healthy relationships. You want them to communicate clearly, show up on time each and every time, be exactly who they claimed to be, demonstrate longevity, prove relatability, show their humanity, vulnerability, a healthy and an open heart and mind. You need to know his dating history and to understand whether he has satisfied any other women at all. If he couldn’t satisfy them, what makes you think he will be enough for you? If he spent most of his dating life running away from women, why do you think he will stop running for you? Yes, that’s a tall order, but these are basic traits of a human you want to give your attention to.

As mentioned earlier, it is very important that you do not select from the lowest common denominator. A lot of men will commit to a 100% up front, because they have run out of options. Contrary to what most males are willing to admit, women aren’t chasing them, no one is demanding to marry them, and they will offer 100% to whoever is willing to give them a chance. Don’t be a bottom feeder, you will regret eating from the floor.

Instead, create your own pool of datable men that you have selected by your own standards. Do NOT allow non-datable men into your clean pool. Not even as a friend. They will quickly piss in your pool. Develop your own dating rules, and screen them long before you go on the first date. You should be test-driving every man’s relationship abilities and measuring his performance. He doesn’t have a date until he has proven he can deliver. There is no reason to hurry, there’s plenty of time to sift and sort through who suits you and who is falling short.

A girl will list herself on Tinder, and show up on a date as soon as he clicks her button. A woman will ask tough questions, and state what she wants clearly. She won’t play games. A Goddess will not validate any man at all. He is either on her level, or he gets no attention at all.

S

A question came from a male reader: “Why do women ignore me? Why do people ignore me, disconnect, or blow me off?”  I get asked this same question from women all the time, and I give them the same answer. I firmly believe that men and women have exactly the same needs, we are human after all. We are simply conditioned to express our needs and satisfy them via different culturally accepted methods. Much of my advice applies to both sexes, as we all seek to be understood, respected and valued.

There are people out there who are often ignored, especially by the opposite sex. I am sure they are all nice people, both the ignored and the ignorer are simply seeking something other than what is being offered. I don’t think that the ignored are victims of cold heartless people, I do see them as humans who often ignore themselves.

We all seek what we don’t have. The needy, seek to have their needs met by others. The insecure, seek security through others, and neglect to work on themselves to become more secure on the inside. The lonely, seek company from others when they fail to recognize the self as their source of true friendship.

You can’t ignore a person who isn’t ignoring themselves. It is impossible. So what is happening when a person is constantly being ignored? They are ignoring their Self. How?

I asked my reader, let’s call him Robert, to describe the most recent situation in which he was being ignored. He is a nurse who works in a big hospital and is very well liked by others. Though his friends and colleagues adore him, appreciate his kindness and endless positive energy, they often dismiss him, turn their backs, or decline offers to hang out after work. So this kind, nice guy often feels like he is constantly giving, and receiving nothing but cold shoulders in return. Recently, two pretty nurses joined his team and naturally Robert was eager to get to know them. He made them feel welcome by baking his special banana bread, bringing in coffee, and helping them out during their first week. That’s all very nice. Most of us would appreciate such gestures from our coworkers.

He then asked one of the nurses out on a date, she seemed very uncomfortable and changed the subject. A few hours later, he caught her when she was less busy, and asked her again. She said something polite, turned around and walked away. He then caught her at the end of her shift to tell her he didn’t mean anything by it, sorry if he offended her, and asked if they could hang out sometime. He got a “sorry I can’t” which didn’t quite satisfy him.  The next day, he baked his grandmother’s zucchini bread, brought it to work, the nurses said Thank You, but this time they were less eager to chat with him. This continued for a couple of weeks, and he noticed that each time he tried to organize a lunch with the new nurses, invite them to a social gathering, his daughter’s soccer game, they grew colder and less interested in giving him any attention at all. What did Robert do to turn them off?

Before I explain how he is ignoring himself, it is more important to state that he ignored the nurse the very first time she turned away, changed the subject and walked out of the room. Though she may not have been blunt and said No to his face, her actions clearly implied No. When people are interested in engaging you, they don’t turn their backs to you, when they are interested in spending time, they don’t change the subject at the mere suggestion of going out, and they don’t walk away. Robert ignored her ‘No’ multiple times. The more she kept ignoring him, the more he started pursuing her with repeated invitations and gifts of baked goods. This is a guy who doesn’t believe what his eyes and ears see and hear: No. His brain processed none of this, so he continued to pursue. People who easily dismiss what their senses pick up,  are willingly ignoring reality, and creating a delusion that the other person must want to be chased, that the ‘No’ is an invitation to play a cat and mouse game, or a con to get more gifts or baked goods out of them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lack of interest is always lack of interest.

So, how is Robert ignoring himself?  Let’s go back to that first moment, when he asked the nurse out on a date. Her first response was to change the subject, turn around and walk away. Stop! In this moment, most of us would have felt discomfort. It does not feel good to be dismissed, it does not feel good to be walked away from. Most healthy humans would at this point realize this is not a pleasant situation to be in, and our self-respect would restrain us from pursuing them more. Yes, healthy people have a very strong sense of self-respect and personal pride which prevent us from doing things that are demeaning, embarrassing, and make us look desperate. Healthy people accept the word No, the very first time they see and hear it. Healthy people respect No. Healthy people don’t run after what doesn’t want them. Unhealthy people will turn No into a delusion that makes them think: She didn’t mean that, she doesn’t know what she wants, let me go ask her again, she will change her mind if I keep asking. They lose sight of how this delusion makes them look: desperate. They don’t even care that by following someone who is seeking to disconnect, they are embarrassing themselves. Their pride, and self-respect switch is turned off.

In that first moment when Robert decided to ignore the nurse’s lack of interest, he ignored his self-respect, he ignored his pride, and started chasing a person who clearly did not want him. The more he continued to pursue her interest, approval, and a date, the more he dismissed his own pride and his self-worth. He felt bad being dismissed, so rather than acknowledge his own negative feelings, he ignored them. He thought he will feel better if he can just get her to say yes to something, anything at all. So, rather than tend to his own self-esteem, he ignored it and continued to show lack of self-worth by bringing gifts and asking for her time and attention over and over again. People with low self-esteem cannot accept evidence that the object of their desire is not interested. So when someone tells them No, they either label that person a villain or they dismiss them.

To be clear, women do this too. Many women will become fixated only on that man who is ignoring them, and pursue a relationship even if there isn’t one, even if the logical side of her brain tells her that he is not the kind of man she wants, even if deep down she knows she doesn’t want him at all. What sickens me is that the dating industry encourages this behavior. We are all sold this idea that the disinterested could become interested if just the right technique is applied, we all believe that perseverance against the word No will win us that object of our desire, and that chasing and persistence will eventually pay off with a big reward. No, you will come off as a stalker and completely turn off the person who never valued you to begin with.

Self-respect is the most attractive characteristic any human can have. It shows that we are healthy, that we like ourselves, that we have pride. It prevents us from doing things which dishonor ourselves. It helps us stand up straight, look people in the eye, demonstrate confidence, but most of all, it shows that I do not grovel, I do not submit, I do not demean myself for your approval.

When we don’t cultivate the Self, when we don’t know our Self, make friends with it, respect or honor it, we are ignoring the most important aspect of who we are. If there is no Self, the person is just an empty shell seeking an identity, approval, or worth from other people. They don’t just ignore what is missing within them, they break people’s boundaries, do demeaning stuff like chase those who do not want to be pursued, and persist in maintaining their own delusions.

At the very core of this is a human who refuses to hear the word No. When you tell a dog No, if it is well trained, it will back off and sit down. That is what is expected the first time we hear No. If the dog is rabid, it will attack and pursue anything that moves, regardless of whether it is appropriate to chase. That rabid dog is a threat to our health. Often rabid animals are put down. Most experts will tell you that rabid dog is better off dead. It sounds cruel, but it is true. A person who ignores the word No, is a threat to our personal safety. Everyone (not just women) will seek to separate in that situation.

Think about that. Of what value is a human who cannot honor the boundaries of others? Of what value is a lover who exists solely to consume you? Of what value is a partner who doesn’t respect him or herself? Of what value are people who consistently ignore their pride, their honor and their own self-respect? Do you see why healthy humans seek to avoid them?

When I pointed out to Robert how he is ignoring himself, he became uncomfortably silent. He really didn’t see that he was broadcasting to the whole world that he did not value himself. No one will value you unless you find within yourself that which is most valuable. You must first satisfy yourself with your own company, your own self-love, build your pride and your dignity to such high levels that chasing others feels undignified. Only then will your attention be welcomed by others, and only then will you qualify for healthy relationships.

So what should you do if people are ignoring you, dismissing you, and blowing you off? The first thing to do is to stop yourself from pursuing, seeking their attention, or asking for more of their time. Understand that in those very first moments that you are being rejected, your mind and body are telling you something that you have been ignoring for a very long time. Rejection hurts, but groveling, begging for time and attention, and chasing those who do not want us is demeaning. You have been ignoring your self-worth for a very long time, so you are probably used to seeking justice for yourself, or seeking the approval of others to mask this pain. You falsely believe that once you get them to like you, the pain will stop. It won’t.

No one’s love nor attention can cure your missing self-esteem. That is your own work. If you find yourself in this situation, now is not a good time to be in relationships with anyone. People are nice, and they may try to compensate, even overlook your missing self, but sooner or later they will realize that there is nothing they can do for you, and that as a half-person, there is nothing you can do for them.  You will continue to be dismissed and disregarded as a mere nuisance until you develop your own self. Without a self, there is nothing for anyone to regard. Don’t blame other people for that, fix you.

If you don’t believe me that all of this work is on you, take a look at other people around you who are also missing their self-esteem. Sometimes, it is easier to see flaws in other people. Have you noticed that people who have no self-respect will often do desperate things to catch other people. Others often refer to them as “desperate”, as they act without any thought of how their actions make them look. Sometimes they are ridiculed, but most often people seek to get away from them.

Often, these are very nice people. Robert is the epitome of the nice guy. He is bursting with positive energy, he gives encouragement to all his friends, he is supportive, he listens, he bakes banana bread for his co-workers. Being nice is not enough to earn respect from people, and it never will be. Robert is broadcasting “I have no self-respect. I don’t care that you don’t want me, I don’t care that you don’t need me, I will continue to follow you, asking for your time and approval, until you give it to me”. Don’t be a Robert.

When people are dismissing or ignoring you, they are showing you how you are treating yourself. You may be over-focused on others, paying no attention to your Self. You may view their attention and their approval as medicine for whatever ails you. It’s true, you may get a temporary high from the attention of others, but then you need more, and more, and more, and it’s not their job to feed you. At a certain point, your needs will drain them, and they will blow you off.

There are countless articles out there about the toxic prevalence of ghosting, but none of them point out to the victim, “hey, maybe it’s your fault that you are consistently being ghosted”. Maybe you have an off-putting habit that other people seek to get away from. Maybe you feed off other people’s attention, maybe you seek justice for yourself by chasing their approval. Maybe you feel like you are not enough, so you drain people by expecting them to fulfill you. Maybe you can’t accept No for an answer. Just maybe, the problem is you.

I am a big fan of self-responsibility and seeking answers within ourselves rather than demanding that other people be what we need them to be. Life is all about learning about ourselves, learning from our own mistakes, and shaping ourselves into the kind of people others can find value in. If you are consistently being dismissed, the solution is entirely within you.

S

Create confusion. Keep him guessing. Make him wonder. Be hot and cold. Sure, play mind games with men, but then don’t complain when they pull one on you. Juvenile games lead to juvenile relationships. If you participate in texting games, mind games, and if you study techniques on how to get uninterested people to chase you, then you are a part of the problem. Let’s call that problem toxic dating.

Do you realize that as you are scheming how to get him addicted to you, you are the one becoming addicted? Do you see that when you mess with someone’s mind trying to get someone uninterested to fall head over heels for you, it is your mind that is left spinning in the end? Sorry, but we all deserve it. Intelligent people fall for emotional manipulation, but it is rarely the one you intend to manipulate, it is almost always you. I guess you can call that karma.

Games begin the very first time we try to participate in the game. What’s the harm in replying to that cryptic text? Maybe I should give him a chance to clarify? Maybe if I just send one mysterious text, he will know that he has met his match. We all get sucked into the craziness, then blame the other for playing games, and not being an adult.

I always thought that dating techniques were simple manipulation for emotionally stunted people who can’t state clearly ‘Yes, I like you’, ‘No, I am not interested in dating you’, ‘Yes, I would like to see you again’, ‘No, I don’t think we have enough chemistry’. We all crave honesty, clarity, and people who are healthy and respectful of our time. So, if we want that from others, shouldn’t the only technique we practice be honesty? Isn’t that clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ‘I like you very much’, ”I’m not into you’ the only the only thing we owe the other person?

Not everybody likes being as blunt as I am, I respect that. But everybody is capable of giving the other person clarity up front, and acting as honestly as possible. Ghosting, or timing texts so they pop up in Morse code is just plain juvenile. I text with men exactly the way I exchange messages with good friends. “I’m free, tell me when and where’. Needless to say, if I show up it means that I am interested, and that I want to be there. There’s no mind game involved. And if I am not into somebody, he gets one clear No, without any mixed signals added to that No. I would never meet a man for any reason if I am not interested in dating him. I would never “explore the possibility” of something if I am interested in nothing. I would never lead someone on and allow him to take me out, when I know he has no chance. Many women do that, but later they wonder why men lead them on. It takes two to tango. If you want honesty, be honest. If you don’t want people who want nothing serious to lead you on, you have the responsibility to not let men take you out if you don’t want them.  Don’t leave things ambiguous.

A man can’t play a game, unless you play with him. If you want people to stop playing games with you, stop participating. It is amazing how serious people with clear intentions start speaking in complete sentences when they are truly serious about you. When a person can’t state what their intentions are, it is because they don’t want anything serious, or they want to see if you will accept a half-assed offer.

Understand that both men and women who relate to others by playing games aren’t healthy. They don’t do so to win a quality relationship, they play the game because they are addicted to the game. Any person who will rope you into a relationship with silence is a manipulator. No exceptions. And if you start playing, you can’t claim to be an innocent victim.  Having crashed multiple times at the game, it dawned on me that I have never gotten a healthy man out of a mind game player. I also realized that every time I met a healthy, honest man, he approached me with clear intentions, honest communication, and follow through. His words always matched his actions. He was not offended by my blunt honesty, he appreciated it. Boring, I know. But, that’s how humans of sound mind communicate.

Your job is to clearly state what you want, then to wait for the other person to either confirm exactly that, or show you they are a douche with a cryptic, dubious reply. The very first time you receive a nonsensical text, or a response after ten days that said “my appendix burst, I couldn’t call you”, is the time you stop playing. Conversation over.

Imagine if you are the hiring manager and you received a resume, but your attempts to schedule an interview were a cat and mouse game, and the applicant was making you chase him. Would you give that person the job? A man is applying for your time. If he is wasting your time while texting, he is showing you that he IS a waste of time. You don’t need to outsmart him at his mind game, you just have to stop texting. Application denied. This applicant is not qualified. Next.

If you want to win at mind-games, you don’t need to buy the latest texting manual.You simply have to go cold turkey and stop communicating with the lunatics.

S

How many times have you been married or divorced? How many times have you experienced a “failed” relationship? Do you feel “unsuccessful” at relationships? Why do other people have their forever love, but you keep failing over and over and over?

Actually, you are not failing at all. You are doing great! You are an explorer of life, men, and of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, you are a woman capable of walking away from people and relationships that don’t work. You know that when something isn’t working out for you, you are not going to settle for it, acquiesce. The fact that you keep marching forward means that you are seeking people and situations that will help you evolve, discover yourself, heal yourself, teach you new lessons. Is that why you feel so guilty?

Ending relationships is not failure. Staying stuck in them is. Knowing how to disengage from situations that are harmful, or not in your best interest is one of the most important lessons a Goddess can learn in her life. It is not a disgrace, it is a power. How powerless people feel when their best efforts to topple you and bring you down to their level fail? Or, how powerless does a woman feel when she cannot afford to leave? Power, is mastery over the self. You know when you have learned your lesson, you know when you have discovered a past toxic pattern and released it, you know when someone can’t measure up to the work you have done on yourself, you know when someone is not your equal, and you move on quickly, easily and with no regret.

If you are feeling guilty about acting in your own self interest, please don’t. You should only feel guilty when your decisions are keeping you stuck, or hurting the self. Sure, people will try to make you feel guilty for having your freedom, self-possession, a strong head on your shoulders and the power to say No. There is no one more feared than a woman who feels no need to explain herself, apologize or feel guilty. Most people who can’t do that for themselves will tell you that there is something wrong with you. It’s not normal for a woman to be so free, so self-assured, so unapologetic. Experts will tell you that a real woman cries, pleads, begs, is a slave to her emotions, a real woman would do anything to keep her man. Nope. Not me. If that’s a real woman, I want no part of that.

I am free, I am proud of that. My freedom and my desire for self-mastery have always been my power. Even when I was a little kid, my dad commented “She doesn’t need me. If I left that child out in the street, she would do fine without me”. I was fine, no matter how many people I lost in my life. I was fine post-divorce, and I was finer after the next 20 men failed to please me:) I don’t look at endings as relationship failures, I see them as my winning streak! I am huge at scoring points for always choosing myself. Do you think that I should feel guilty for that? That will never happen.

Call me callous, call me cold, call me unfeeling, call me whatever you want, but I came to this planet to experience life and myself in all my glory. No one will stop me from choosing the best moments that life gifts me. Sure, I love men, I love love, and I am always experiencing life from the perspective of love. But love isn’t a binding contract with damning escape clauses, and penalties for failing to give disgruntled lovers compensation every time their ego gets bruised. If I am not a real woman because I can easily move on, make choices that serve me, and don’t chase people, nor crawl on my hands and knees begging to keep them, so be it. I’ll be a Goddess instead.

Ladies, don’t feel guilty, don’t feel shame, and never feel bad for choosing you. Every failed relationship is just a situation that didn’t serve you. You moved on, and as a result you found something better each and every time. The fact that you have not found a husband to rope into a contract means that you have not made your selection yet. None of the men I have met post divorce could make me happier than I already was. Even when I was down and out, and my mother insisted that I needed a husband to “rescue me”, I always knew that I can do better for myself.

I have dated some very powerful men in my life. The lesson I learned is that I was always much more powerful than they. I always knew that I could do better for myself than they could do for me. So I walked. So what! Is there something wrong with me for saying no thanks to a McMansion, a CEO, a shipping tycoon, a brilliant scientist or anyone society labels as a “real man”? In each and every situation, what I learned is that I am more powerful than all of them, and that none of them could be or do anything for me.  I don’t want what “powerful men” offer, I want Me.  I also learned that men offer things like money, houses, shiny rocks to buy themselves security, respect, admiration and validation from women. I won’t validate you. So, bye.

But, the most important lesson I learned from walking away from so many “powerful” men is that I am worth more than all of them.  How many women understand that? Should I feel like a failure for that?

Some psychologists call that crazy, reckless, boredom, a woman on a self-destructive mission. Any woman would kill for things like husband, home, and security but she keeps walking away. I assure you I have no intention of destroying this awesome life I have built for myself. I do have an intention to enjoy this. Some day, I will be with The One, and I will be crazy in love with him, in fact I have been crazy in love many times, and only That One could have my commitment. But why commit to a mere mortal who buys women? And why feel guilty because your friends have tied the knot, signed a contract, while you are still moving on, and moving on, and moving on? Be very proud of all your endings. If you have accumulated a huge pile of wounded knights and bleeding princes, it means that in each and every situation you chose You. That’s the only real woman that there is.

There is no such thing as a failed relationship. There is only failure to honor yourself, and failure to choose You.

No apologies, no regrets.

S

If he doubts that he is good enough for you, believe him. He knows himself better than you possibly could. He is aware of his own shortcomings, and more likely to know he will disappoint you. If he is reluctant, he has a good reason to be. Leave him alone.

Have you ever tried to empower a guy to approach you? Have you tried to make yourself appear normal, easy, less of a threat so that he could finally muster up the confidence to ask you out on a real date? He needs a clearer signal, or he needs a confidence boost, so you do whatever it takes to show him it’s okay, you’re safe, you won’t hurt him.

Your support is kind and your time is generous, but there is nothing you can do to make someone become anything at a core level. You might boost his confidence temporarily, you might even succeed in helping him approach you by making yourself seem less “threatening” and showing him how easy and approachable you truly are. But coming down to his level, and making yourself available when he doubts what he could possibly be for you will only topple you off your Goddess pedestal.

Rather than empower him to believe you are really not as grand and mighty as he thinks you are, and that you are just the girl next door, let him be nervous. The more he thinks you are out of his reach the easier it is to remain in your power. He might never step forward. It is okay, a man who does not fear you will. He might never make a move because what ever doubt he holds in his mind is valid. A man should doubt whether he could have you. If he were certain of what a sure thing you are, he’d be done with you in a minute. It is always better to be unapproachable, unattainable and out of his reach, because other men will notice you not bending down to his level. Everybody notices the unaffected woman, the one who won’t bend every time the wind blows past. The vast majority of them may not have the courage- be okay with that.

Who do powerful women want? I don’t want the easy guy, I don’t want the one every woman has had, I don’t want the guy who works hard on proving he is a ladies man, and I don’t want the one who doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t want the guy who is insecure, I don’t want the one no woman wants, I don’t want the guy whose ego is boosted by how many women he can have, and I don’t want the one who doubts he can be the man I need him to be. What women want is that One whom everybody wants but no one else can have. Goddesses want that one strong, unshakeable, self-knowing, unbreakable, honorable, clean, dignified, centered, God who isn’t flailing, but is 100% focused on her.

I can afford to let a few doubtful men slide out of my sphere of consciousness. What could they possibly do for me? That doubter who doesn’t know what he wants can only bring me his problems: his insecurities, his exes, his child support battles, his neurotic mother, his self-doubt, his inconsistencies, his mind games to my table. I have no use for such things.

I have proved to myself that I can create that spectacular life I always dreamed of all by myself. It doesn’t take much money, it doesn’t take a rich husband, it doesn’t take other people’s support, all it takes is confidence, self-appreciation, and knowing that I am totally worth everything I am currently enjoying. So, if he can’t step up, why would you want him? That guy who is flailing should be with a girl his own size. Leave the apprehensive ones to the amateurs.

The amazing thing that happens when you leave the undecideds alone, is that they get bored very easily with women on their own level. They are easy, uninspiring, pliable, childish, empty. A mindless twit can only satisfy a male whose ego depends on her validation. He could never be enough for you.

So if a man is reluctant, don’t take it personally. It does not mean that you are not enough at all. It means he doesn’t think he could be as big, strong and powerful as a woman of your stature would want. Believe him.

S

“He should choose me, instead of that bitch”. How many times have you heard a similar statement? “She should be mine, but she doesn’t know what a real man is”.  How many times have you believed that you are the only right choice for your love interest? Are you really? Is that person of interest so ignorant and so incapable of choosing what is best for him? He must be, because he is consistently choosing someone else.

It is painful to be the one not chosen. But when we look at the situation objectively, we realize that the only thing that hurts is our own ego. It is immature and quite egotistical to assume that we are in the best interest of the other person, that they are making a mistake choosing someone else, that we are the only right choice, and that there must be something wrong with the guy for not realizing we are the one. It seems laughable when we are looking at someone else express those feelings of resentment toward a man who doesn’t want her, but we have all been there and we have all felt that ego pain.

Choosing her is not the wrong choice. He is choosing who suits him and we have to respect other people’s choices. It is quite narcissistic to see ourselves as the only right choice.

Ego. We all have one, and sometimes it gets in the way of us realizing our dreams. Often, when we lose something we really, really want, it is because we act on our ego, instead of pure desire and pure love. If we love purely and unconditionally, we would love regardless of what he is doing, regardless of whether people give us what we want, regardless of whether they are willing to fulfill our needs, we would be love.

Unconditional love is something we all want, yet very few people are willing to be unconditional about love. Our attachment to what we want turns into a stubborn obsession and insistence that it must be. And often we place ourselves and our ego at the center of the universe, and insist that for something to be right or good, it must feed our ego. “The only way I could be in love and complete is if he realizes that I am the one. But he is blind, his eyes are closed, and that ugly bitch has my man.”

Everything is as it should be, even when you are not getting what you want. It is their choice to be together, they are two willing participants, they have chosen to be with each other, therefore it is right. What is wrong is your insistence that this should all be yours.

We all know how unpleasant it is to have some angry dude obsessed with us, a persistent creep who won’t take no for an answer. But he too is operating from his ego, and wanting something that isn’t reciprocated. Don’t be that creep.

When you have identified a situation that feels wrong to you, your job is to understand your own place in it. If you are stuck on a man who is making no moves towards you, or if someone else has got what you think is rightfully yours, it is time to step away from the situation. Wanting something or someone that doesn’t want you back is a vicious cycle and you are creating it all by yourself. It is time to get off the rat wheel, so that you can start moving in a healthier direction. If you stay on that wheel, you will stay in a state of wanting and wanting and wanting and wanting. Staying focused on what you don’t have will definitely create an obsession, an emotionally toxic mess.

It isn’t your place to push your way into situations where you are not wanted. That is your ego starving for validation. It is your place to create healthy relationships with people who are just as willing to connect and relate to you as you are to them. A relationship is when two people express equal interest in each other, and participate in it equally. When one person is short on interest, it is not a relationship. It is your responsibility to know when you are in one, and pull yourself away from people who have no interest in you.

Sorry, but you cannot force a relationship. You cannot talk your way into one. You will never argue someone into loving you or respecting you. And you will never be The One to a man who doesn’t see you as such. Your work, if you choose a path towards reaching Goddess status is to master your ego. You will always have the ego, but knowing how to separate from it is one of the basic steps to mastery.

The purpose to all suffering is to temporarily separate ourselves from the ego. Ego death, the most painful state there is, is also one of the first steps to enlightenment. One of the reasons I encourage meditation is that in order to enter that state, two things must happen. You must separate yourself from your intellect and enter the no-thought state, and you must separate yourself from your ego. When both fall away, you are meditating. Over time, you master the state of meditation, it becomes comfortable and natural to you, and you learn to make decisions and choices from that higher state of mind. You will no longer react to people or situations. Instead you will observe, and act in a way that is in your best interest. A woman who is aligned with her higher self, and acts in her on highest interest is a Goddess. The one who compromises herself, controls or manipulates, operates from the ego. She is totally helpless against herself.

I will write more about ego death, and the value of suffering or experiencing pain. But for now it is important to understand that we all have an ego, and that it serves a purpose. Not knowing how to master the ego or keep it in check is a sign of emotional ignorance, the person operating from that state hasn’t even taken her first step.

If your ego rules your relationships, you are probably experiencing the same patterns and negative situations over and over again. Your life is playing a broken record, and you are wondering why am I spinning around and around in circles, unable to produce a healthier situation.

If this is you, your goal shouldn’t be how to enter new relationships and stay attached to them, it is to learn how to become an observer of yourself in relationships, how to detach yourself from transactional or codependent situations, how to meet your own needs, and not perceive others as your medicine. Your daily practice should be separating yourself from your ego, loving people who refuse to give you what you want, finding acceptance for situations you cannot change, and understanding that this situation is your own creation. You must first change yourself before your life can change for the better.

A lot of women in the private Goddess forum insist they want unconditional love. Yet, when I question them, each one is stuck on a dozen conditions. You can’t experience unconditional love if you believe in conditions. You simply cannot love with your ego. Hate, jealousy, resentment are all ego based expressions of unrequited love. If your ego was in check, you would be able to feel love for that person who refuses to love you back- that is what unconditional love is all about.

It is hard to separate yourself from your ego, it took years of meditation for me to start to see results. Don’t beat yourself up if the process doesn’t come easily. The goal is simply to start the process and accept that you won’t master it immediately. To motivate you into taking the first step, I urge you to look at relationships, codependency, transactional people and the dramas that ego based love creates, and ask yourself if you want that. Mind games, ghosting, manipulation, control, jealousy, lack and scarcity are all sign of people transacting and attempting to relate on a lower emotional level. You will never find a higher person if you are operating from your ego. You will only find your match.

To divorce yourself from toxic relationships and unhealthy patterns, you must do the work only on yourself. You must recognize that it is you that is participating in unhealthy relationships and that it is your work to become a match to someone who loves on a higher level.

Buddha suffered for decades until his ego died. Often, the most painful of life’s situations will lead us to slowly drop the ego, and those situations must be welcomed with open arms and understood before we can progress. But, Buddha also meditated for many years in order to connect with his higher self. No, you cannot strike a yoga pose and claim to be enlightened J Life isn’t as easy as that.

In my life I have suffered two absolute disasters of complete loss and devastation. I have plunged into the abyss, was on the brink of death three times and emerged better and stronger than ever. As I sat there in the darkness, I realized that I am not those things that once belonged to me. I am not that marriage, nor that person I signed a love contract with. They were just my egoic representations of what I believed was love. Everything about that life was false. It was a contractual, transactional situation we all refer to as “love”. But it was not pure, nor unconditional at all. The conditions had to fall away so that I could learn that. When the conditions were gone, I had absolutely nothing at all. I had to face myself as I really am. That was the death of my ego. That self that I had created by acquiring conditions and validating myself through other people and objects was a false mask. Yes, it is the most painful thing in the world to face yourself as you really are, and then learn to find acceptance for that nothingness that is you.

But that is your work. You must find a way to separate yourself from your ego so that you can learn to consistently choose yourself, make decisions that are in your own best interest, and master your inner being.

S

STIGMA.  We all get stigmatized for our choices, and in the last few weeks since the new abortion laws were passed, I have been hearing a lot from women who have been stigmatized for having an abortion, considering one, not having any children, having them outside of marriage, not having them on time, or having them “too late”, past her prime.  We all know the ugly feeling of judgment, like we can’t do right when the world says we are wrong. But, stigma is just judgment that we are willing to accept.

The way I have dealt with all my “wrong” and difficult choices is to be proud of them, not hide them, even flaunt them in the face of people who try to inflict guilt. Why?  It releases me from the stigma. It is my way of saying no to their judgment, not accepting it, not internalizing it, and remaining free from carrying that stigma around.

When you argue or have a vicious fight with someone who is judging you, the more you argue for your choices, the more you validate them and their judgment about you. Why should I argue with a mental midget that I am an equal to that mental midget? Why should I argue with an ignorant buffoon, that I should be able to make choices in my best interest without his/her approval? That drops me down to the buffoon’s psychological level.

Instead, I openly talk about the benefits of the choices I have made, how guilt free I feel,  I revel in my freedom, I gloat about how I have never felt wrong, only absolutely right. Basically, I am demonstrating how great I feel, and how powerless their words of judgment are compared to my happiness. It really shuts people up.

Last summer I was at a social gathering, when two men whose egos I refused to stroke, tried to shame me in front of other guests. They agreed that at my age, my chances of scoring a “real man” like they were are nil, how at my age and my inability to bear a child made me absolutely useless to successful and powerful men, and that they were willing to introduce me to some guys would be willing to give me a chance. I’m not kidding, this was a very upscale social gathering, with seemingly educated people. I was the only female in the room who was refusing to validate both of them, the one refusing to be in awe of their bloated self-aggrandizing personalities, so they decided to talk about me in front of all the men in the room and the wives who believe in them.

Sure judgment feels awful, however I was not willing to accept it from them. Had I started to cry, I would have confirmed my insecurity to them, and they would have puffed up even more. Had I taken my boxing gloves out (I am an excellent verbal fighter) and argued for my choices, my words would have fallen on deaf ears, the douche bags only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. And had I fought viciously, they would have used my anger as proof that they are right, and I am some angry, disgruntled woman.

So, I took a gulp of champagne, sparkled myself up, closed my eyes and took a very deep breath in and a giant orgasmic smile lit up my face. Without any acknowledgement of their judgment, I started to tell my own story to everyone in the living room. I started to revel in my singleness, shamelessly announced how much I enjoy having multiple men at the same time, how virile younger men are, and the deliciousness of enjoying a vibrant sex life. They also criticized my global travels and tried to say that I was a bored, lonely spinster for traveling so much. So, I gloated about what it is like to get on a plane, fly to an island in Thailand, and get f*cked for a long weekend by an international friend with benefits. I also exclaimed that none of this would be possible if I had children. As I stood there in that living room surrounded by judgmental strangers, I was totally lit, very much at ease with myself, almost boasting about having multiple-orgasms, and how not being married is advantageous to a woman in her prime. I could not shut up, I just went on and on for ten minutes, while there was total silence in the room.

When I was finished, I took a very deep breath and released, as if I just had a massive orgasm. Then I asked the ladies if any of them have ever had a real orgasm or if they fake it with their old men?

After that, not one person in the room dared to challenge me. I just described the awesomeness and the rightness of every choice I had made without stooping to their level. When they went low, I went super high J

My point is that we all have a choice whether to accept judgment, or not be affected by it. Judgment is only a powerful manipulation tool IF we accept it. When we demonstrate that it has no power over our emotions nor our self-worth, we also demonstrate the power we have over ourselves. No one will dare to rub your actions in your face when they see how powerful you feel for having made that choice.

Stigma is just judgment we have accepted. When you feel stigmatized, a part of you has accepted the wrongness of a choice you made, even when you made it in your best interest. Release all stigma, it isn’t yours, it belongs to the ones who attempted to control you by manipulating you with guilt. Focus on the rightness of each choice you made. Never explain why you made that choice, you owe no one your excuses. Instead, focus only on all the best things that happened as a result of you doing what is best for yourself. Never display guilt, shame, second-thoughts- all these feelings may be valid to you, but sharing your personal doubts with shamers will only amplify them, and give them a tool to beat you up with.

Many of you know that I have been volunteering for Planned Parenthood since college. Imagine how beat up women feel for making a difficult choice, and what it is like to face a crowd of angry mobs who will spit, shame, assault so that you would make a choice in their interest. Seven years ago a woman did something I thought was absolutely genius. She decided to go live on Youtube, and demonstrate using the Morning After pill, show to the public what it is like to miscarry or abort live, and openly talk about the side-effects, what is happening to her body by the hour, in full confidence of the choice she made. That one video completely demystified and destigmatized the process.

She took questions from her viewers live, addressed critics and haters with confidence, but also took questions from women who were terrified of the scary side effects they heard about. They watched her go through the process live and she was perfectly calm, and rational about it.

The reason I bring up this story is that I think she did more for the cause than anybody else. She stood on live camera fearlessly and brought down the argument that the morning after pill is dangerous, permanently damaging, painful, etc. Since her, many other women have done the same, documenting their choice, pre and post abortion to educate.

We destigmatize things by openly talking about them, not hiding as if they are shameful. Stigma is just a bad feeling we all carry. It was inflicted on us by someone who manipulated us to choose what is right for them, not for us. It is your choice to accept stigma, and totally within your power to release it.

Rather than complain about how the world makes you feel bad because you are unmarried, your biological clock is ticking, you are having sex too freely, you can just as easily not feel bad about those things. All these things are my choice and I revel in the rightness of each and every choice I made for myself. Rather than feel bad, I choose to feel great. Rather than argue with someone for my freedom to do what is best for me, I demonstrate with great passion how awesome I feel.

Judgment is an ugly feeling that is inflicted upon women to make them feel bad for daring to act for themselves. Stigma is our acceptance that what we have chosen requires their approval. But power is a magnificent thing. Power is our ability to remain unaffected by whatever they inflict upon us. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who is 100% sure of her self, 100% unaffected, and 100% willing to act in her own self-interest.

No apologies, no regrets.

S

How to choose your soulmate? Choose you.

By definition, your soulmate, is you. It is that person whose soul matches yours. It is that person whose personal development and all the work that went into it, matches your own work. It is that person who is as evolved, as awake, as enlightened as you. If you are all of those things, then you must be very self-aware. And if you are as self-aware as you should be, then anyone who does not match you, anyone who does not match your personal value system, your level of consciousness, your level of self-love will be a glaring contrast to you. Your soulmate is someone you do not have to compensate for. If you have reached that level of self-awareness, you are complete, you are full, you stand in perfection. There would be no need to bend down, make excuses for, or compensate for a person’s shortcomings if he or she matched your soul.

What is the purpose of all our failed relationships? None of those past relationships are failures, they were simply lessons in you. Many people fail to see that. The purpose of every relationship regardless of whether it was romantic, familial, or social is to gain awareness of who you are at the core level, and how to gain and maintain respect for yourself. Going back to your earliest relationships, you had to learn to relate to others, develop empathy, treat people respectfully, then evaluate whether they respect you enough to make the relationship worthy of you. The only way you could receive respect is to respect yourself first, and that is a lesson that takes the longest to master.

As you got older, and time progressed, you learned what behaviors and belief systems did not honor you, and you learned how to move faster, walking away from relationships which are not in your best interest. Some people believe that this walking away is a bad thing, that somehow ending relationships sooner, represents a lack of effort, lack of persistence, that there is something wrong with people or you. I disagree. Walking away sooner is simply proof that you are learning how to choose you, how to honor yourself first, how to choose situations which are healthy for you, and how to choose people whose inner self matches your own. The more self-aware you are, the more obvious it will be when someone has not reached that level of awareness. A mortal will never be your equal.

A Goddess is a woman who has put in a lot of work into building herself. She has a strong foundation, an unshakeable personal belief system, she knows exactly who she is. She is self-reliant, capable, she has faced and conquered her inner demons, she has repaired her own cracks, she has healed her heart many times and still allowed it to remain wide open. She does not see herself as a victim of men, she is a student of life, and her place in it. She works on mastering herself, building her own character, strengthening her own weaknesses, pursuing her own goals. A Goddess is not concerned with pleasing mortals, or bending down to make smaller men feel equal. She knows what she deserves.

A Goddess’s equal is God himself. Her soul’s mate can only be that one whose reflection matches her level of completion, her level of self-awareness, her self-esteem. And a God won’t settle for a mortal woman who will admire and look up to him, nor would he be satisfied by a woman who can only stroke his ego. Such women hold no value at all. A God is a man who has created himself, and can only be satisfied by a worthy counterpart. The two are whole and complete people, neither having to compensate or bend down for the other.

All of life’s relationships are a lesson in you. When you failed a lesson, it always repeated itself with similar relationships, until you gained an understanding of your own patterns, and learned how to choose you. Maybe you still haven’t learned it. If you are still not consistently choosing you, your self-respect, your honor, and your being, you are not standing on your pedestal, and you are not going to be worshiped until you do. No one will worship a mortal, but masses and masses will worship you when you are a Goddess. Keep working on you.

If you are directing your frustration and anger at men who have not met you on your level of completion, you are wasting your time. It is not their job to step up and be who you need them to be. It is your job to keep rising, evolving, perfecting your own being. Your work is none of their business, and their path is none of yours.  In the course of your lifetime, you will encounter many road-blocks, suffer many setbacks, battle your own demons, you will bleed. Don’t be fooled. Your soulmate is not the one who stitches your heart up, it is the one who has bled just as you, has as many wounds and bruises as you do, and has learned an equal number of life’s lessons. Your soulmate is the one who knows how to choose himself too. He has an equal level of self-respect, and can just as easily spot a woman who has not reached his own level of personal development. Your soulmate will keep walking until he meets his equal. Don’t chase people who are walking, they are not for you.

Finding a soulmate is a journey within the self. It is a journey of consistently choosing you, over any relationship, and always being true to your own self. It is a journey of developing honor for the self, and consistently honoring it.

When you choose you, you continue to evolve. As you are growing, you matches will be people who are temporarily on your level, but the goal is to self-actualize, not to settle for what is available. When you reach that level of completion, when you feel whole without anybody else, when you notice that others see in you what you see in yourself, you will notice that people value you to a much greater degree than ever before. People will compete for your time and your attention because it is valuable to them. They will respect your beliefs, honor your time and space, value your opinions. You won’t have to ask for respect, you will command it easily. You won’t have to chase people, they will willingly be in your presence. That is the time to choose your soul mate. Your soul mate will never be a beggar starving for your attention, nor a demander of your respect. He will be your equal. You will easily recognize God when you see him. But until then, keep choosing you.

S

Just because you have emotions and feelings for a guy, does not mean that you have love. A true love connection goes both ways, the feeling is always mutual. And just because you have feelings, does not make the relationship or situation valid. Remember, for any situation to be real, it must be of benefit, of interest, and equally enjoyable for both people. So, what to do if you have feelings, but he doesn’t?

Simmer yourself down. You can’t negotiate feelings out of people. You can’t state your case, then argue your way into a relationship. Despite what relationship manuals say, you cannot create genuine feelings by applying magic tricks. Anything that interferes with a person’s free will is cheap manipulation and it cannot end well. Often those feelings we feel for a person are not rational. Have you ever actually analyzed your feelings for a person who does not want you?

Often, those feelings are something else. Often, those are feeling of rejection. His reluctance or disinterest has triggered something within you, and now you confuse that feeling of rejection, that heart throb, for having feelings of love for him. No, he triggered you. We all know how rejection feels, and we often want that object of our affection even more after we have felt that twinge of heart ache. But don’t confuse that aching heart for love. It is the ache of rejection. We all want the ones we can’t have.

Haven’t you noticed that the people who want us badly, so, so badly, often come across as creeps, but people who blow us off, trigger something within us and we want to prove to ourselves that we can have them. An emotion is just that, an emotional reaction. And when we have been slighted, forgotten or dismissed, some of us turn into rabid dogs chasing, wanting, pleading, manipulating.

Your power is always in knowing yourself. Be aware of your emotional triggers, and know that it is just your mind/body reaction to an uncomfortable situation, and not to be confused with love, nor sexual attraction. Yes, we often feel twice as attracted to the man who can easily turn his back on us. Do you remember the story of Pavlov’s dog and what made the dog salivate? It wasn’t the meat that made the dog salivate. The dog would drool every time it heard Pavlov ring a bell. The bell is just a trigger, and the drool is just a reaction. Don’t confuse an emotional reaction with the emotion of love. They are drastically different feelings some of us have been conditioned to confuse. But there is a very clear difference between the sound of the bell, and the smell of tasty meat.

If you understand yourself, you will understand how men operate. Most of them simply know how to trigger us. There are tricks that work on most women all the time. I can’t blame men for using them. Your choice is whether to be a slave to your own emotional triggers, or learn to recognize them. An interesting thing I observed recently. My 6 year old nephew was triggering my sister by rejecting her, then showing her love, then rejecting her again, and my highly intelligent, super successful sister fell for it each and every time. If we can be outsmarted and outmaneuvered by a 6 year old boy, what does that say about our personal power?

Most men have been practicing how to pull that trigger since childhood. And each and every dating manual for rejects with low emotional intelligence teach tricks like NLP that can easily be deployed to manipulate anyone into submission. If you find yourself falling for cheap tricks each an every time, and being extremely attracted to anyone who knows how to push your emotional buttons, it is in your best interest to admit that you are easily played. No, it’s not anyone’s fault that you drool every time the bell rings. It is your fault that as a grown-ass woman you don’t know enough about yourself. Women who don’t know themselves have no power at all.

Pay attention to your own emotions, and how easily you get triggered into chasing something that isn’t wanting you. Then, pay attention how nervous men get when they see they have no effect on you at all. You are as cool as a cucumber, and you are playing no games.

Knowing myself and being aware when someone is trying to trigger me, allows me the luxury to sit back and observe. It is exactly when some pushes my emotional buttons that I open my eyes and ears and watch his performance. Usually, when there is no reaction from me at all, that is exactly when the slick little dolt will try even harder.  What I have discovered by observing people do their best to push my emotional buttons is just how emotionally impotent they are.

Observe an adult male who has reached the age of maturity, and the only power he feels is when he can trigger an emotional response from a dimwit. Yet, for a lot of grown men that is the only way they can gain any interest from a woman. A lot of dolts and douche-bags actually feel empowered when they have pulled a trigger and gotten a reaction. I am sure that Pavlov too thought he was absolutely brilliant when he got a dog to drool with a bell instead of real meat. Most men would beat their chests and congratulate themselves for being a real male. And really, that is all there is to manhood. Just that. I pulled a trigger, she reacted, and now I feel like a real man.  They go around a bar, collecting phone numbers simply by pulling emotional triggers, and the dimwit who gave it to him felt a true emotional connection. Yes, she felt something but it wasn’t attraction at all.

Often when I talk to women in our private forum, they describe being attracted to someone for inexplicable reasons. They assume he has some magical power that she has no control over. Men describe the same situations too when they are being triggered by an expert manipulator.  Women know how to pull the trigger too.

But this is an asinine way to attract people. Knowing how to pull an emotional trigger is something a three year old can do. And relating to people by pushing buttons is a sign of low emotional intelligence for both parties. It takes an emotional midget to trigger another emotional midget. It takes an action and a reaction to make a relationship between two emotional Neanderthals. We cannot blame men for this, nor can we make women the only victims. They are both operating on the same wave-length. They are equals in every sense of the word.

Observation is a very powerful tool that can help you assess who you are dealing with. And one of the best things you can do for yourself is to analyze your own emotions and understand how those emotions influence your behavior. You will see that they are often irrational. For example, if you find yourself physically attracted to someone you typically would never been turned on by, you are probably being triggered.

While you are observing yourself, you must observe the person you are dealing with. If you feel very strong emotions or reactions, pay attention to what he is doing to trigger you. Is he subtly rejecting you? Is he playing hot and cold? Is he ignoring you? Is he offending you or making you feel self-conscious? Are feeling unusually inadequate around this person? If it seems that your emotions are too strong, or if you are acting out of character, chances are that the guy is trying his best to incite a reaction out of you.

The most desperate humans on earth subsist on other people’s energy. And this is exactly what happens when two people meet and one has triggered the other into a cat and mouse game. He has no skills, no emotional intelligence, nor any intent in connecting on a human level, instead he measures his own value as a man by what kind of reaction he can get out of her. If he can trigger a few women in a night into handing over their phone number, he feels like a real man, and if he cannot, he concludes that there is something wrong with the women.

One of the best skills I learned in life is how to observe objectively without confusing my emotions with a genuine connection. Just because a man can trigger an emotion, it does not mean that it is a healthy one. In the past I could get triggered into being attracted to a guy I was not attracted to at all before we spoke. He says something and hmmm, suddenly I am changing my mind. If I look at my own behavior in those past situations I now recognize that there was no genuine attraction, that I was simply being triggered by an emotion I hadn’t resolved since childhood and the person could turn me on and turn me off like a remote control. Looking back at those men I see them now as a complete waste of any woman’s time. They all lack the IQ and the emotional intelligence to be of value to humanity. But, I don’t see myself as a victim of anybody. I was old enough to have known better.

If you are a grown-ass woman, and you still fall for every trick in the book, stop blaming men. Instead, do something which is likely to make you feel very uncomfortable. Look at him as your own emotional equal. It is very easy for us to blame the other. But, to understand how manipulation happens, we have to understand ourselves. You have to write your own operations manual and understand how your own emotional mind and body operate, before you can reprogram yourself.

This person IS for now your emotional equal. I don’t care how smart you are, how educated you are, nor how successful you are. The fact is that this mental midget was able to incite a response from you, and you fell for it like Pavlov’s dog. Admit it. It hurts.

His intelligence might seem laughable to you, but if you are falling for his emotional triggers, you are playing on his level. So, the question is, why is a grown-ass woman still playing mind games? It is amazing to me how highly educated women in their 30’s, 50’s, even 60’s are trying to decode texting mind games. If the game feels mind-numbing it is because he is numbing your mind. Do you need a relationship manual to understand how your mind is being played? Yet, most grown-ass women with highly impressive degrees will try to rationalize his two-syllable texts. Why? It is plain to see that you are communicating with a dolt, and you are looking for ways to make yourself comprehensible to a Neanderthal. If a grown-ass man has reached adulthood and the only way he knows how to get what he wants is by mystifying your text screen, then pulling a disappearing act, are you looking at a man who is your equal? Be honest. If you are participating in this idiocy, you must be just as emotionally inept as he is. But, admit it, you do own a copy of the Text Messaging Survival Guide under your bed.

These emotional mind games are food for the emotionally inept. Don’t blame this on social media, social trends, the disconnectedness of our society. That’s not fair. The world is changing, and you cannot afford to bark at the moon.

There are plenty of highly intelligent people in this world who truly are capable of connecting on a deep level. Many of us simply do not want to. I see that the vast majority of people I know are a waste of my time, and I now pay attention only to what I want. That’s a story for another post. But, real men do exist, and you will never meet them paying attention to men who subsist on mind games, trickery, NLP, and emotional vampirism.

It is in your own interest to learn how to screen them out. The best way to do that is to observe. Observe what emotions he is able to trigger within you, how those reactions cause you to act. Observe if his highest level of communication is via text, and whether he is able to form full sentences or if he gets a kick out of leaving you hanging. This is really all you need to know. Don’t try to rationalize his behavior, don’t make excuses for it, do not try to adjust your expectations to his puzzling behavior, and do not psychoanalyze him. Everything you need to know about this person is on full display right now.

But most of all, observe on what level is this man relating to you? Is he relating on a superficial level? Did he get your number before you established any connection at all? Be smart. Why would you give someone your number if you were not satisfied with the initial interaction? Were you triggered into believing that there will be better conversations and more magic later? There won’t. You are likely to get a lot of glitter and dust when he comes back for more.

My point is that emotions are nothing to get excited about. Just because someone can trigger emotions and feelings from you, does not mean that the attraction is real. It means that like Pavlov’s dog you are hungry.

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your emotions are enough reason to get involved with someone. Emotions can easily be triggered. I have a degree in how to push people’s emotions, thousands of books have been written on the subject. These are very low-level connections that a Goddess doesn’t have time for. We all agree that these connections are a complete waste of time. No woman who has invested in herself, her career, her security and her development wants to connect to a Neanderthal, yet many who have no clue how their own emotions operate are easily fooled into following their feelings.

Use your feelings as a barometer, not as an excuse to chase people. My feelings are simply indicators of what kind of pressure the other person is applying. In any given moment, I am aware of what emotion is being triggered inside me, and I do not react. I simply observe that one douche is trying to manipulate me, the other is trying out the latest trick in the book, and the most desperate of all is simply looking for face time. They all just want a number, who says you have to give it to them?

When you spend quality time observing men, you can easily spot the ones with low emotional intelligence.  They play to win, they seek validation, they take up time, they collect phone numbers like they collect scratch-off lottery tickets, and the ones who boast are usually starving.

But, always pay close attention to your own emotions first, and when you find yourself being irrationally attracted to someone who is driving you crazy, know that you are being played. Has someone triggered you into chasing them?

S

Just because a man wants your heart, doesn’t mean that he wants to give you his. Women assume that if he is pushing and pulling her emotional buttons that he must be asking for love. Why else would she feel this way? If you have a child, ask yourself why is a child pushing your emotional buttons? Why is he or she making me so emotional? The kid wants something. We all want something, and when it is out of reach, we appeal to a person’s sense of emotion. Marketers know this very well, that is why every expensive purchase must stir you from the inside. But just because a man is making your head spin, your heart flutter, and is asking for your heart, does not mean that he is intending to give you his. Asking for a woman’s heart is a big deal for a woman, and many women confuse his asking for a sincerity and good intention.

The best way to get a woman on the hook is to ask for her heart, The best way to string someone along is to make them believe in the possibility of a deep bond. Haven’t you noticed how when you are hooked on someone, there’s a lot of hope but very little delivery?  The best flirts know how to stir the emotions, and talking about a woman’s favorite subject like commitment, forever, and bonding is enough to get women hooked, long before a relationship has been discussed.

Quality men who are serious about relationships don’t mess with women’s emotions. Sure, every relationship will stir your emotions eventually, but these men don’t want to be played with, so they don’t play women. The also rarely or never date more than one woman at a time. They invest time, just like you would. They build relationships slowly and from the ground up, lay solid foundations by asking healthy questions, they will show you that they are filtering for quality women.

Many women aren’t turned on by quality men because they are not exciting, but quality men are not trying to excite you at all. They are trying to know you. You might notice that quality men are often present, and that’s not always exciting to women who are used to chasing bait. Let’s face it, many of us are addicted to the chase. Men might let us eventually catch them, but what we have caught is always empty of genuine emotion.

One of the first signs of an empty vessel is a man who is messing with your emotions, your self-perception, your center. He is poking and prodding to see what makes you tick. He might say you are beautiful, but just a little too round for him. He might say he likes your confidence, but tone it down with your anger issues. A master manipulator wants your emotions up front. He will either have you gushing with excitement or seething in a silent rage of self-hate long before a relationship has been established. Your emotions are bursting out of you like a volcano, long before you have any concrete evidence that he is a real man.

When you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster long before any friendship or relationship has been established, you are dealing with a master manipulator. Your head is spinning, your heart is pounding over a stranger you don’t even know. When he has given you no proof of who he is, not declared truthfully what he wants, nor established himself as an honest, healthy human being, and you find yourself emotionally imbalanced because of him, you are being played. Still want to play?

A lot of women confuse this rush of emotional excitement for a bond. An honest, quality man who works to establish a connection is never as exciting as this. He isn’t triggering any emotions up front, so women ignore him, he just isn’t sexy. A lot of women, don’t know what a good man is.

Think of the time you met a quality woman, and that other time you met a crazy-woman.  The quality friendship was a slow and steady growth, there was no emotional drama, blackmail, manipulation up front. The person respected you as a human, asked important question to establish your validity, and then started giving you more time accordingly. That long and steady friendship is based on mutual respect. That’s not sexy, I know.

But, we all have met that emotional drama queen who over-shared her crazy life, spilled all her feelings about every ex she ever dated, dished on all her friends, and then told you whatever you wanted to hear just to hang out with you. Men are the same way. The ones who haven’t much to offer will always stir your emotions long before there is anything concrete to be emotional about.

And yes, a lot of women are simply addicted to the chase, or to whoever is running away. At a certain point in our lives we have to stop blaming “bad men” for being bad, and admit to ourselves that we are the addict. We are all junkies looking to score emotion out of the other. The men are too. We are starving for that emotional high all humans get from having their hearts simmered over a slow burn, then scorched into dust. And some never learn, we chase that emotional high, over and over again.

One of the things I learned looking at my dating history, is that all the unhealthiest people I dated were experts at pulling emotional heart strings. And they all did it long before any relationship began. They were able to do it on the first meeting.

The quality men I dated didn’t try to do that. They were careful with my heart as they wanted me to be considerate of their own. I admit, that rarely turned me on. Often I was just looking to get high, but the man was trying to build something solid. So I’d yawn and move onto someone else more exciting.

We have all been in relationships with a narc, and we all know how exciting that is. It’s as thrilling as a roller coaster ride, or a sky dive. Dangerous, reckless, but so exhilarating. I remember how many decades I believed that a true emotional bond had to feel like a thrill, or it couldn’t be love.

People who actually have a heart, won’t play with yours. People who are capable of feeling deeply, will not try to bond too quickly, instead they will take time to build trust. People who actually have a soul, will not mess with you on a soul level, they will give you plenty of time and space to reveal yours. People who are empty will try to incite emotions from you right away. Emotions are like food, they feed an empty vessel.

At a certain point in our lives we get tired of playing with the empties. It’s just a game of who can drain the other of emotions sooner without sharing a drop of their own.

I think most of us learn how to spot the difference between a real human and a zombie once we are totally drained. Until we are laying lifeless with barely a drop of blood to sustain us, most of us are still dreaming of that emotional roller coaster. But when we have nothing left to give, when we are ready to completely check out, we find that there are real people out there who are like us. They too are tired, they too have given all they can, and their hearts are barely beating. That’s when we learn to respect people’s hearts.

A quality person will never play with your emotions or mess with your heart. They are keeping a safe distance and they approach relationships by building a solid foundation of respect, trust and dignity. They know that all those things must be earned, so they demonstrate their sincerity, show proof, they deliver. Yes, that is very boring when you are just a junkie looking to score.

When I first came to this realization, and the prospect of only dating boring men, I was totally turned off. I no longer wanted to date anyone at all. What’s the point if it isn’t exciting? What’s the point if I’m not getting high? I gave up dating all together, until I stumbled onto a decent human being who seemed unexciting, he just happened to be very good eye-candy. The superficial me went for his looks, prepared to waste a little time with a man easy on the eyes.

What I learned by dating someone who did not mess with my emotions is that it is possible to be in a relationship with a solid human, who is perfectly capable of having a good time without me feeling drained.  Real men and women do exist, but we walk past them because they usually aren’t making us feel anything. They don’t trigger anything within us, so we assume they are not the one. We feel nothing upon meeting them, they don’t stir anything within us, so we walk away.

They also won’t give us their emotions up-front. They understand that a two-way connection must be established and both people have to see something real in each other for genuine emotions to come out.  Healthy people expect us to earn their trust and respect. They filter, they screen, they have boundaries. That takes time to establish. Healthy relationships don’t feel like a free fall.

I admit I still get excited when someone has stirred some emotions up front. But now I actually study men. I often find that the ones who have no substance will resent being questioned, studied, and filtered. They want emotions and emotional reactions from me so that they can feel valid. When it comes time to prove themselves, they are nowhere to be found, so I am grateful that my radar is finally working. I can usually spot them right away.

Don’t get so turned on by emotions. They exist to protect you. If you are feeling something too much, too soon, before any trust or respect has been established, you are being played. Lot’s of people know how to stir emotion, very few know how to love.

S

My taste in men is always changing. I used to think I was fickle and that I don’t know what I want. But that’s not true. I am constantly learning about myself, and constantly growing. The men who used to amuse me in my 30’s were only slightly more evolved  from the men of my 20’s. In those years, life pampered and coddled me, I really had no reason to ask for better experiences, nor to know that there are more evolved men out there.

Then life threw me a few curveballs, major disasters and I crashed. I had no choice but to grow. Each year as I was experiencing growth, my taste in men changed too. The last 10 years have been an unbelievable process of self-reflection, self-development, inner work and awakening. This is when I experienced the widest variety of men. It’s not that I didn’t know what I want, it’s that each new and improved version of me was looking for a new equal.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing a lot, changing tastes, and learning from what different kinds of people bring to your table. There is something wrong with being married to the past version of you, and being over-focused on maintaining the old when a new version of you already exists. In my 40’s I have earned a much, much better man than I could have had in my 20s. Should I feel guilty because I couldn’t stay married to my ex past the 12 year mark? Should I feel guilty for having sampled all the chocolate in my candy sampler? Should I let people tell me I am too fickle for not staying committed to just one man? Nope. I am 46, and who would I be today if I felt guilty for exploring, growing, experiencing all kinds of men?

I often get criticized for moving on too soon, but today I know myself better than ever. In fact, I know myself so well that I know how well I am treating myself by the men I am choosing to entertain me. Some people are just not good enough for my company. At 46, I feel entitled to say that and not apologize for it.

That doesn’t make me superficial, it means that I am discerning. Do I owe every man who is applying for my time an opportunity with me? Nope. The 20 year old me, smiled at all men out of kindness and gave every opportunist her time. The 30 year old, knew a few things about personal integrity, enforcing her boundaries, and saying exactly what she means. The 40 year old version is already a force to be reckoned with. I already know with utmost confidence that not every man is my equal. Very few qualify for a few minutes of my time. I walk away from boredom, lack of intellectual stimulation, emotional underdevelopment, narcissism and egotism with ease.  It took decades of my life to develop that kind of discernment about men through nothing but personal experience. Should I apologize for having a clear idea of what doesn’t serve me?

The reason for this post is that women are still apologizing for exploring all their choices. Not being able to stick to one relationship is labeled as lack of commitment. What makes commitment to mediocrity such an honorable feat? The media bombards us with horror stories about dating too freely, experiencing too much for our own good, being “spoiled and soiled” by bad men and unfortunate circumstances, when in fact true wisdom can only be earned from experiencing failure and much, much, much experience. Never be afraid of experience. Good or bad, and no matter how ugly, experience is the best teacher, and we simply can’t grow ourselves when we coddle our feelings and protect ourselves from life’s ups and downs.

Women whose experience is limited by propriety, religion, social boundaries and self-protection have a very limited view of themselves and their relation to men. With such limited exposure to the realities of physical and emotional relationships, their only experience in suffering is from a deep wantingness or neediness to attach herself to anyone who can coddle her into a feeling of emotional security. That need is childish and immature and will always land her into a relationship with a pseudo-parent who will lead her through life while she keeps her emotional blinders on. Is that a healthy adult?

We learn from suffering of all types. We learn from every crash, from every disaster, from every single breakup. The lesson is never about our partner. If you think that the lesson is about how rotten people are, and how you need to choose better men, you have missed the point of the lesson. The lesson will repeat itself for years, until you learn that the lesson is not about other people, it is totally about you. The lesson is about your self-respect, the strength and weakness of your personal boundaries, and where you stand in relation to the inner you, the Goddess. Your psychological health is always mirrored by the person you are faced with, and your personal strength and integrity are always measured by how often you choose you. How loyal are you to yourself when life presents you with the most painful relationships? That is the test of true character and awakening- how easily do you choose You?

Still have a hard time choosing yourself over the other person or the relationship? You have a lot to experience as a mortal before you can call yourself a Goddess. The good news is that there is no such thing as too much experience. And there is nothing wrong with trying on different men until you find one who suits you. Don’t be so married to the idea of commitment. The more you grow, the more you’ll find that men cannot suit you longer than a season. At times in your life you will slow down, you will stop to smell the roses, and you will enjoy men for longer periods of time. But you will never stop growing. As long as you don’t lower your standards and stop growing just to stay attached to one person or one experience, you will maintain long term relationships with quality people who have taken as much self-care and as much responsibility for their growth as you.

My 40’s have been all about quality. What I like about this point in my life is my confidence in being able to say that very few people qualify for my attention. That’s not because there is a shortage of good men, in fact, quality men are everywhere. I am more choosy because I enjoy my own time, my own space and my own company more than ever.  Today, less is more. I no longer need to marathon date to continuously meet people, I spend much more time filtering people out. I have fewer friends of greater quality, and fewer romantic relationships with greater men. My relationship with myself is always far more important than any relationship a man can produce. I feel very content in my life.

I am curious what I will be like in my 50’s. I am not narcissistic enough to declare that I have learned all there is, nor that I am the ultimate authority on enlightenment. For sure, I will keep growing, and I will keep pausing to enjoy the men along my path. But, I have no way of predicting who I will bump into, nor how long we will enjoy each other. I am okay with not knowing everything.

The ultimate Goddess I met was in her 70’s. She was a good friend who gave me a solid primer on how to sample all the chocolate in my box, and inspired me to live life to the fullest. She was the fist woman I met who juggled multiple men, relished every moment, and taught me to never apologize for being experienced. She ultimately did meet Joey, her one true love. They are now in a long-term care facility together. But she admits that she couldn’t have met her equal, the man who is just as enlightened and full of life as she is, had she not sampled the best men that life has to offer.

So ladies, if you find that your taste in men is continuously changing, do not apologize. Know that you are always growing, and that the men must be quicker and wiser to keep up with your evolution. There is nothing wrong with having a fresh new man for each season. You don’t feel guilty acquiring shoes for each new season, so why feel guilty experiencing better and better men? Have you noticed that as you grow, the new men are always a better match to who you are than the men of previous seasons?  Don’t be reluctant to grow yourself. When you meet a man who is as awake and as enlightened as you are, there will be no doubt, you will recognize each other in an instant. In fact, the recognition will be so glaring, you’ll both be blinded by each other’s glow.  That moment when you recognize yourself in the other person is the moment you have truly found your equal.

You don’t stop for every mortal. A true Goddess can only be with a God. Until then, keep moving. Life will continue to give you better, and better, and better as long as you know that you are worth it.

S

Are you satisfied with his performance? What an odd question, but it is something most women can’t answer. They don’t evaluate relationships based on their own personal satisfaction, instead they evaluate them based on what he says, what he wants, and whether it is moving forward. But how silly it is to be moving forward when you don’t know if you are satisfied?  Most women get into “something” not called a relationship, and because they are eager to move forward, completely forget to evaluate his performance as her man.  They are just grateful that the relationship is moving forward, so they don’t want to rock the boat and evaluate what kind of a human he is, how much of what he claims about himself is true, whether his words match his actions, an most importantly, how well does he keep me satisfied?

Instead of asking a man how he feels about you, I think it is more important to determine for yourself what his actions and behavior add up to, and decide for yourself whether that is enough. We are often looking towards others to tell us how they feel, and then we take their word for it. We often get hung up on their words, and forget that their behavior towards us is much more important. After all, what value is a guy who says he is really into you, if he is also into someone else? What really matters much more than words is his performance. Yep, without telling him that you are evaluating him, evaluate his performance as if he is applying for position of your boyfriend. Don’t tell him what to do, don’t ask him to behave a certain way, that would be like the interviewer giving away all the correct answers to the applicant- just observe whether his performance makes him the kind of man you have in mind.

The only opinion that matters about how the relationship is going is your own. Are you satisfied? I know this sounds unfair, but very often we get into relationships with people who say one thing, then act completely differently. Often people describe themselves one way, and want you to believe them, and when their actions don’t match their words, they accuse you of misunderstanding, having unreasonable expectations, or that you should believe in the person they think they are, rather than the person you see for yourself.

Women have a tendency to believe others more than they believe their own judgment, and feel very guilty when their rational estimation of a man differs from what he claims to be. Trust yourself. Words are useless. Ask me who I am, and I will mouth off the best description of myself I can think of. But meet me in person, and you’ll notice I am quite ordinary. Ask my best friend, and you will get one truth, ask a friend who I broke up with a few months ago, and you will hear I am a monster. We all believe we are far greater, much more honorable, and much more conscious and self-developed than our neighbor. So, never take a man’s word that he’s good. Decide for yourself.

But, the reality is, our relationships will only work if we are truly satisfied with the relationship. So, what difference does it make if he tells you, Some day I’d like to have a family. Is he trying to build a family with you now? No? Then he is not your man. What difference does it make when he says I love ambitious, hard-working women like you. Is he still dating other ambitious, hard-working women other than you? What difference does it make if he says I really like you, I hope you feel the same, if he only replies to texts once a week? Regardless of what his reasoning is (he could be working 24 hrs a day), all that matters is how does he please you? Are you happy with his performance as a boyfriend, or are you still negotiating to have more time with him? If you are begging for more time, you are not satisfied.

All too often women are negotiating with men who are not on the same page with them. He said he loves you, but you only Netflix and chill. It does not matter if his mother said that she would like you as her daughter-in-law, what matters is IS THE GODDESS SATISFIED? Is the Goddess happy? Does the Goddess want more than what he is offering? If you think that this sounds selfish, ask yourself how men evaluate relationships. Would men get flattered by a woman’s words, or do they have expectations she must meet? How long would a man put up with being just an option? Do men negotiate for or beg for more time with women? Rarely. They know what they want, and if they aren’t getting it, they keep looking. Men keep dating until they are fully satisfied. Actions speak louder than words, so always observe the actions, and observe your own feelings and satisfaction levels. Words make a frog sound like a prince, but his performance is the only thing that can make him real. You are not in a relationship until you are fully satisfied, and no man is a real man unless he is real to you.

I recently started dating someone unimpressive, which makes it easier to be detached and observant. He seems fairly decent, but he is doing a lot of talking. You’d be amazed what you learn about people if you simply let them talk. I see that he is talking a lot about himself, and that he keeps repeating things that he thinks will impress me. Okay, we all boast about things that are important to us. But he is repeating words like penthouse, speedboat, fund-manager, and Bugatti, and while I keep changing the subject, he keeps dropping those words over and over again. Conclusion: He is too insecure and too superficial for me. And this conclusion is very important because most women would still continue dating the guy even if they observe his conceit.

Most women accept whatever he says, thinking that he is a nice guy, trying really hard, treating them really nice, and best of all, he is pushing the relationship forward. But why would you want to go forward with someone who can’t acknowledge anything but his own possessions? Eventually, far into the relationship they will realize that he is not very honest, nor impressive as he made himself out to be, but whatever, for some it is better to be in a relationship. And this is how a lot of people get into situations they had no intention of being in. They went along with whatever was presented without evaluating how they truly feel with this person.

Since I wasn’t seeing anyone more interesting, I decided to keep observing to see what kind of a situationship he is going to build. I observed that he is pushing this situation forward even without my participation. I told him honestly that I am not that into him. I am a big believer in telling people the truth, because the truth is that one thing that we are all owed in relationships. Despite that, he kept planning dates, sending flowers and actually using the phone. I was starting to get uncomfortable because he seemed to be ignoring that I am not that interested, that I was asking for less time, less flowers, not such elaborate dinners. My actions always reflect the level of my interest. I would never lead someone into believing that I am really into them when I am not, nor would I go with the flow, when I want things to slow down. We all have a responsibility to act honestly and not take advantage of people. So, I was asking for more time and distance and he was ignoring my requests. Here is a person who hasn’t heard one word I said the entire month. A very important observation. My lack of interest wasn’t even acknowledged. To most women this should be a huge red flag, but many would be flattered by his eagerness. He then offered to take me away for a long weekend, and I declined. I explained that I was uncomfortable with him planning a getaway when I told him several times that I am not feeling this relationship, and he was flabbergasted. He was astonished, offended, blown away that I am not into him. I won’t go into details, but quite often we women get into situations with people simply because a relationship is offered, giving little thought to our evaluation of this human being.

But who this person is on the inside, and what kind of a relationship he is capable of creating is the most important factor you absolutely must evaluate. And the only way to get people to show their true colors is to let them be who they truly are. That means not spelling out how you expect them to act, what you want them to do for you, and what rewards they will get for good behavior. Anyone who wants you for even fifteen minutes will deliver exactly what you asked for to get a little action. And when they deliver what you asked for, thy will demand a reward. A dog will do that too.

Most women I know are after a quality, deeply satisfying bond with a true person. Yet their dating strategy does not allow them to determine whether he is all that. Before you start pushing the relationship forward, before you even use the word relationship, you must know who this person is on the inside and what his definition of a good relationship is. His definition could be great sex, yours could be an intimate pillow talk. That’s not a great match, so why go along with it?

It is amazing to me how many women cannot answer the question Are you truly satisfied? Most of the time, it takes some prodding on my behalf to get them to admit that they are actually satisfied with nothing at all. This person they are in a situationship with is just some willing participant who does not possess the qualities they want, is only halfway a decent human being, is only truthful some of the time, has a very flexible spine, but he means well and he has feelings. Come on, we all know what a waste of time it is to be in a situation with an amoeba. The delusion that he could some day turn into a  lion is all yours.

Spend more time observing and evaluating your own feelings, your own level of happiness and satisfaction in your daily interactions with this person, and be very honest with yourself. You should be much more concerned with whether you are satisfied than whether he is. You should be much more cognizant of who this person is morally, politically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually than you usually are. You should be impressed by the real person, not by his fictitious estimation of himself. And you absolutely should be turned on, not just meh and going through the motions with him because he wants a relationship.

So sit back and relax. There’s nothing for you to do. Watch him create the kind of relationship he is capable of, and accept that this is the best relationship he has to offer. Yes, you should participate in the relationship, meet him half-way, pay for some dates, and go with the flow. But, always stay in observation mode. Rather than make demands, or manage him like a project, adopt a hands-off policy. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be asked for, no behavior to be corrected. Your only job is to evaluate: How am I feeling with him now? How does the relationship with him feel? Am I satisfied or is something missing? Do I feel like I am in a healthy relationship? Any decent human who truly wants to be in a fully functioning relationship will make it so. Any human who doesn’t know what he wants will act like a flake.  Any human being who is still playing the field will be inattentive, aloof, missing for some periods of time. All you have to do is observe what kind of relationship is he creating for us right now? Is he creating a friendship with benefits? Is that for you?

Never try to negotiate with someone who wants something you don’t. You are wasting your time. No one has ever argued anyone successfully into love. No one fell in love because they lost an argument. If he wants something casual, acknowledge it, don’t twist it into something it is not, and if a causal relationship, or a friendship with benefits isn’t for you, don’t waste your time here.

I learned a long time ago that a vast majority of people who cross my path aren’t worth slowing down for. Some of them are very lovely people, but they are not going my way. When I meet someone who meets my personal requirements, I am actually attracted to, and who is 100% available to me, I gladly slow down and get to know him.  The 100%ers, the men who know what they want, are actually doing the work, and totally serious, are the only ones worth slowing down for. But you will never know if he is worth your time, unless you are true to yourself and determine AM I SATISFIED?

S

Here is a question for you to consider: Is it possible to be jealous if you are utterly in love with yourself? If you are in love with every aspect of you, then anything out there that could be making you feel jealous must be less important, or less than you.

What is jealousy?  It is a want, a need, a feeling of unfairness toward a person who has something or who has accomplished something that you want. It is an awareness that they are in possession of what you lack. Think of jealousy as a scale of underappreciation of yourself compared to your appreciation of what someone else has.

Your friend has the car, the house, the money and that gorgeous man. Healthy people can appreciate the possessions of others, congratulate them on their accomplishments, and honestly wish them the best outcome. That is because healthy people are always confident in themselves, content and appreciative of what they have, and in love with their own choices, their own timing, their own path.  When we are in love with ourselves and our own life, we can then be happy for people who have achieved everything they desire. Our self-appreciation allows us to be happy for them, even though that big pile of money is theirs and not ours. Healthy people do not covet what others have got, nor do they feel any resentment toward anything that is outside themselves.

Healthy people know how to focus inward, appreciate the self to such an extent that anything that is happening outside themselves does not compare to the state within. We are okay, even when someone else seems more okay than us.

So what is jealousy? It is an indicator of discontent with the self. It is the appreciation of everything that is outside the self, and the realization that the self is not enough. In a state of jealousy, the scale is tipped in the favor of the other person, and we remain in the state of awareness that we are less. It is an ugly feeling, a negative energy that seems to possess the being, and is almost impossible to hide. If it is allowed to fester, it will consume the entire being. Have you ever met a person who is totally silent, but green with envy? Without a single word uttered, we smell the resentment oozing out of their pores.

In general, jealousy is a sign of weakness, a lack of emotional-development, an insecurity, but at times we have all felt it. Jealousy is also a weapon that insecure people wield to push our emotional buttons to incite a response. It makes the weak feel powerful when they can create an uglier response from us than they currently feel within themselves. An insecure person may feel like crap about themselves, so they are hell-bent on making you feel like a pile of diarrhea. Why give them the desired response?

The way to overcome jealousy in any situation is to feel in love with yourself, with whatever you’ve got, with all your choices, even if you have less than your neighbor. That practice has to become a permanent part of your existence. Only when you are absolutely appreciative of every ounce of your being, can you be thrilled for others when they accomplish something you haven’t.

I am usually in a permanent state of appreciation for what others have. I have graduated from solely appreciating myself and all my flaws, to now being genuinely thrilled when a friend receives ten times more. I can also encourage friends to try harder, give them more heartfelt advice, because their accomplishments do not dwarf mine.

I no longer feel like I have to do anything in order to feel good about myself. In fact, I am now happy with less. Before, I used to strive to achieve, now I can rest. I can give myself a break, because if I earn less this year, I am still very much in appreciation of whatever I’ve got.

This skill of self-appreciation comes in very handy when dealing with toxic people. A few years ago, I broke up with a guy, who didn’t take it so well. I had legitimate reasons for the breakup, and tried to do it thoughtfully and kindly. Nevertheless, he exploded in rage, screamed obscenities and swore immediate revenge. He was going to make me sorry.

That same night I went to the neighborhood bar to get a drink. The bar was my usual hangout, so he knew I would be there. Mere hours after our breakup, he walked into the bar with another woman. He made sure I notice them. He walked up to me, introduced her as his girlfriend, made sure to seat her right next to me, and they both stayed by my side the entire night gloating about how happy they were. Sure, it was a cheap shot, no one could be more insecure than that ex. But, I think I took it very well.

You see, I really like myself very much. I am not exaggerating, I truly have genuine feelings for myself. Even when life isn’t giving me what I want, I can still be in love with life, in love with myself, and be fully confident that the scale is tipped in my favor. So, when he approached me at the bar, he was staring at my face searching for pain. No such thing happened.

I never fake my emotions. Most of my friends know that they are always getting the uncensored me, regardless of whether it is appropriate. So, as he approached me with another woman, I turned to them and smiled. I opened my heart chakra, I gave them both a hug and said how happy I am for them. Then I bought them a round of drinks. But that’s not all, I stayed there talking to her for hours, as I truly thought she was a special person. There wasn’t an ounce of jealousy or regret to be felt in my body, because I was totally aware that their 2+2 was still less than my 5. Together, they still didn’t add up to me.

That situation taught me a lot about myself, and I am proud of how I handled it. But it also showed me the person I had broken up with. This man I suspected of being too insecure for an adult relationship proved to be so much smaller than I realized before. I was grateful to see this behavior, because his smallness made recovery from the breakup a breeze. He proved to me in 15 minutes that my decision to leave him was right. And I felt very empowered by that breakup ever since. The fifteen minutes of pain he tried to inflict upon me, turned into three years of me feeling like a super-hero. It was totally worth it.

But this momentary strength would have never manifested had I not been self-aware from the beginning of that relationship. Being in a constant state of self-appreciation allows me to always be in a more stable position than anyone else.  When life throws insecure people in my path who are determined take me down I rarely flinch. I can remain composed in tough situations because my focus is on me, not on what they are doing. Their anger, their rage, their jealousy is always theirs, and remains at the opposite end of the spectrum of how I feel about myself.  Others don’t have the power to move me.

If jealousy and insecurity are destroying your relationships, regardless of who is doing what to whom, it is still only your responsibility to improve yourself. If you get jealous easily, your life and the results of all your efforts will be affected. And if other people inflict jealousy on you, you are still the one to get hurt. It makes sense to work on yourself because self-love will only lead to a better life.

Today, I appreciate myself much more than anyone else. I love everyone in my life, and show it easily. My heart is always open, because I no longer fear what others can do to me. What they do is a reflection of who they are on the inside, it has nothing to do with me.

I feel so strongly about myself that I am now aware of what other people bring to the table. I compare their level of openness, their genuineness, their perception of themselves to how I feel with them and without them. I leave dysfunctional relationships sooner, because my inner world is always richer than the disfunction they bring to my doorstep. Self-appreciation has allowed me to be more discerning, so I simply flow away from whatever or whoever does not appreciate me as much as I appreciate myself.

I see that the exercise of self-appreciation has noticeable effects in only fifteen minutes. Choose something you feel jealous or insecure about. It can be a person, an object, or an achievement. Allow yourself to feel the jealousy, let it fester for a bit, then get in touch with that energy. Do you notice that the rage is yours, and that the other person feels no effects of your emotions? Do you notice that the feeling of jealousy is just you feeling less than the other? That feeling was created by you, not him or her. The other person has nothing to do with it. Understanding that jealousy is just your mind’s and body’s response to how you feel about yourself in any situation, allows you to control the rage. All you have to do is feel better about who you are.

Now, I am not talking about pumping yourself up on ego, narcissism, or creating a false self. We all know when someone has created a false persona and is demanding that others pander to his delusions. I am talking about investing in yourself, whether through self-help, introspection, or therapy, and embarking on a long process of shifting your attention inward. This process is a lot of work, but it is definitely worth it. Study yourself and all your weaknesses. Become okay with them. Forgive yourself for not accomplishing everything you wanted- it really isn’t necessary to achieve true happiness. Fall in love with your body, your mind, your life and all the obstacles you encounter. Treat yourself very well. Always put your needs above others’ and honor them, do not apologize for them. Find bliss and happiness in the little that you’ve got. You will see that very that object or person that was making you jealous seems like a lesser threat right now. He or she was just a blow to your ego, and with a lot of self-love an appreciation, your ego won’t crack so easily. The real you will emerge and you won’t try to hide it any more. You will become okay with everything exactly as it is, and your state of being will always remain unaffected by what others have or do. Fall in love with you.

S