“You are dissatisfied”. Those are the exact words I said recently to a friend. She asked me why I keep saying no to her requests for more personal time with me, passing on invitations to events, and No to taking her on travel agent trips that I always get invited to by travel companies. In the past, I had invited her, and always felt obligated by her to make her experience even more satisfying. She complained “I didn’t like the people I met at your party, they were so boring. Next time, invite me where there are more prominent people”, “I appreciate the invitation to Spain, but next time, please only invite me if the agency is paying our airfare. I don’t want to buy my own ticket”, “I don’t want to be a paying guest in your group safaris, I want to travel with you alone”.
One day she was complaining to me about the men in her life constantly running away, ghosting her and refusing to commit, and she asked me what is wrong with men today? I said nothing is wrong with men. You are a dissatisfied person, and nobody wants to satisfy you. Why not? It is not anyone’s job to satisfy you. You are a grown woman who still expects other people to complete you. You are dissatisfied with yourself, and you expect other people to provide you with friendship, invitations, and then to cater to you when you are dissatisfied.
On one agent trip that I invited her to, our flight was leaving at 4 am, so I suggested that we split a room at the airport hotel so we can make our flight on time. She asked if I will be compensating her for that room. Somehow she thought she was owed a free room from me, because she was inconvenienced by a business trip that she tagged along on. Excuse me? I should pay for your room? She said yes, I owed it to her because she now had to get up at 4 am and she did not like it.
As ridiculous as this sounds, this post is all about dissatisfied people who seek satisfaction through others, and how much of a drain they are on relationships with romantic partners, family and friends.
I write this because a lot of grown women, still cannot see how unattractive and burdensome their needs are to other people. They still believe that their needs should be met by others, and that a true friend or a loyal lover would prove it by satisfying them.
As someone who gets approached a lot by needy men, and as someone who rejects 99% of males who approach me, it is because a lot of these people are dissatisfied with themselves, and project all their needs onto me, as if it is somehow my job to give them their manhood, their status, their confidence, or even a life. “Why wouldn’t a nice girl like you give a man….”, “My ex is such a bitch, I want to travel with you so that she can see that I can have a real woman”, “I’m a nice guy, I deserve a relationship with a woman who can give me…..”. When did it become my job to give you whatever it is that you are starving for?
A lot of people will eventually tell you what it is that is missing within them, or what they believe they can get from you. Is that a healthy relationship? If your ears are open, you can hear how dissatisfied they are with who they are, and how they believe they can benefit from you.
I asked my friend if she would ask a man to compensate her for a room if she was traveling with him, and she said yes, I deserve to be treated well. After a bit of questioning about her logic, she actually said that she thinks that I should pay for that room if I expect her to keep accompanying me on these heavily discounted trips in the future. I told her that this was her last invitation. I had offered her to tag along on an agent’s trip, which are heavily discounted, partially sponsored tours for travel professionals. I am not sure, and please correct me if I am wrong, how am I responsible for comping her a hotel room so she won’t be inconveniences by an early flight?
But, if you are dating this way, and expecting men to keep you satisfied in order to prove their interest is real, then you, like her, will get a lot of doors slammed in your face, a lot of people refusing to satisfy your delusions, and a lot of men refusing to carry you on their backs. I openly said this to her, because she has asked me in the past about why she can’t find a good man. Well if you think “good” is someone who keeps working to keep you fed and satiated, then you are the negative drain in this relationship. You are a grown woman who is constantly getting ghosted, men block her as soon as she starts asking for more of a relationship. They even openly say to her that they want nothing more, and she keeps harping to them that they should give her more. Would anyone give her more? I can’t give her more of my friendship, I totally see why males feel no need to give her anything at all.
In my life, it is usually the other way around. I spent many years completing myself. It took a lot to learn how to get in touch with my own emotions, explore my own inadequacies, learn to fill my own needs, fill up my life with things that are meaningful to me. I built an international travel business with $0 in my bank account. I can’t tell you how many men simply think they can fulfill whats missing within them, if only I would give them access to this. It goes both ways. Men and women who are inadequate and unwilling to learn how to grow their own life, will seek a life from others.
Just last week I was approached by what I will openly call an unleepable male. This is an acquaintance I bump into at parties, and he started to tell me how he believes he and I would really get along. “I could use a girl like you. I like how free and unattached you are, just like me. Just out of curiosity, do you ever take men with you on your global adventures?” I reluctantly responded, that sometimes I meet up with men I am dating. He proceeded to tell me “Well, if you ever want to buy a guy a ticket, we could work something out in terms of a relationship”. Meanwhile, this guy has no job, has just declared bankruptcy for charging off his credit cards, and he also thinks that he could take over the management of my company. He didn’t ask for a job, he thought he could assume a 50% partnership in my business. All I had to do is date him. What a deal! A lot of dissatisfied people, see you as something that you could do for them. All you have to do is pay attention to their words, because most will project all their needs onto whoever seems capable of satisfying them.
You owe me. Those are the words of every incomplete person. How do those words sound to you? I owe you? What have I done to incur this debt toward you? Often their reasoning is “Well, I spent time being with you and now you owe me a relationship” or “I went on vacation with you and now you owe me a free hotel room”, “I took you out to three dinners, so now you owe me some sex” or with women, “I spent 2 months giving you sex, now you owe me a relationship”. This is transactional thinking. A lot of underdeveloped people see relationships as What can you give me? What will I get if I take you out on a date? What will you give me if I sleep with you? And they are often shocked when the answer is Nothing. Nobody owes you anything for giving you a chance.
Years ago I had a friend who lived her entire life through me. She was a really loyal person, but after years of giving her access to party invitations, trips she would never do alone, access to friendships she could never make on her own, and activities she would never partake in without me, I realized that I am her only lifeline to life. She absolutely refused everything unless I would do it with her. I broke up with her 5 times, and for years she refused to accept that I was no longer willing to be her friend. I explained how unhealthy she was and what a burden she was on me, and believe it or not she didn’t care. You owe me. It has now been 8 years, and she still has no friends of her own, and is still pestering me to invite her so she can be friends with my friends.The same happens to her, both men and women simply close the door, because her requests and her expectations exceed what she is willing to do herself.
Males are often approaching me because they like how my life looks on social media. I travel the world, throw parties and take groups on safaris. Like I said, I built this business with $0 to my name, and I can see why my work, and social media makes me look like the perfect girlfriend. I get two types of males contacting me, the ones who want to run my business with me of for me, and the ones who want a woman like me because they will feel more like a man if they had my lifestyle. A lot of guys who think it would be great to have a piece of the action offer me a “business partnership” when they have absolutely nothing to bring to my table. They have no business, no customers, no travel experience, but they see themselves leading trips around the world, and they really don’t see why I won’t make them a partner in my company. When I explain their lack of experience, they offer to romance me for access to my trips. Yes, men are also very willing to trade sex or their body to get something. It goes both ways. I also get lonely, dissatisfied, inadequate males who project how their life could be if they only had a woman like me. I could make them feel more like a man, my business could make them feel like they have a purpose, running a company like mine could make them feel successful, and they don’t understand why I wouldn’t want a relationship with them. Why would I give you myself, so you could feel like somebody? Isn’t that your job?
Every single time I announce an itinerary, I have 1-2 male travelers who purchased a plane ticket because they fully expected to date me. They see a public travel advertisement, and somehow they interpret that to mean they have an opportunity with me. As creepy as this sounds, yes, a lot of dissatisfied people will unrealistically project their desperation onto people whose lives seem more fulfilling, and they offer relationships, their bodies, sex, time, money to fill that empty hole in their life.
I know that a lot of women in this forum have been through this already, and are in the process of working on themselves, learning how to fill their own needs, healing from codependency and striving for balance within themselves. Congratulations! It’s not easy to transform yourself from a codependent damsel into a Goddess. But looking back at who you used to be when you were not fulfilled, or when you were still seeking satisfaction through others, can you see what a burden dissatisfied people are on potential partners? Can you see why the hungry will always be chasing those who don’t want to be their food? Why the empty will always be discarded like an empty paper cup on the side of the road?
Please share your own experiences. I know you avoid connections with people who are draining, but I am sure we can all relate to having been there. Have you found any effective methods for communicating with dissatisfied people and helping them understand that it is not your job to satisfy them?