The Power of Failing at Love, Again and Again

How many times have you been married or divorced? How many times have you experienced a “failed” relationship? Do you feel “unsuccessful” at relationships? Why do other people have their forever love, but you keep failing over and over and over?

 

Actually, you are not failing at all. You are doing great! You are an explorer of life, men, and of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, you are a woman capable of walking away from people and relationships that don’t work. You know that when something isn’t working out for you, you are not going to settle for it, acquiesce. The fact that you keep marching forward means that you are seeking people and situations that will help you evolve, discover yourself, heal yourself, teach you new lessons. Is that why you feel so guilty?

 

Ending relationships is not failure. Staying stuck in them is. Knowing how to disengage from situations that are harmful, or not in your best interest is one of the most important lessons a Goddess can learn in her life. It is not a disgrace, it is a power. How powerless people feel when their best efforts to topple you and bring you down to their level fail? Or, how powerless does a woman feel when she cannot afford to leave? Power, is mastery over the self. You know when you have learned your lesson, you know when you have discovered a past toxic pattern and released it, you know when someone can’t measure up to the work you have done on yourself, you know when someone is not your equal, and you move on quickly, easily and with no regret.

 

If you are feeling guilty about acting in your own self interest, please don’t. You should only feel guilty when your decisions are keeping you stuck, or hurting the self. Sure, people will try to make you feel guilty for having your freedom, self-possession, a strong head on your shoulders and the power to say No. There is no one more feared than a woman who feels no need to explain herself, apologize or feel guilty. Most people who can’t do that for themselves will tell you that there is something wrong with you. It’s not normal for a woman to be so free, so self-assured, so unapologetic. Experts will tell you that a real woman cries, pleads, begs, is a slave to her emotions, a real woman would do anything to keep her man. Nope. Not me. If that’s a real woman, I want no part of that.

 

I am free, I am proud of that. My freedom and my desire for self-mastery have always been my power. Even when I was a little kid, my dad commented “She doesn’t need me. If I left that child out in the street, she would do fine without me”. I was fine, no matter how many people I lost in my life. I was fine post-divorce, and I was finer after the next 20 men failed to please me:) I don’t look at endings as relationship failures, I see them as my winning streak! I am huge at scoring points for always choosing myself. Do you think that I should feel guilty for that? That will never happen.

 

Call me callous, call me cold, call me unfeeling, call me whatever you want, but I came to this planet to experience life and myself in all my glory. No one will stop me from choosing the best moments that life gifts me. Sure, I love men, I love love, and I am always experiencing life from the perspective of love. But love isn’t a binding contract with damning escape clauses, and penalties for failing to give disgruntled lovers compensation every time their ego gets bruised. If I am not a real woman because I can easily move on, make choices that serve me, and don’t chase people, nor crawl on my hands and knees begging to keep them, so be it. I’ll be a Goddess instead.

 

Ladies, don’t feel guilty, don’t feel shame, and never feel bad for choosing you. Every failed relationship is just a situation that didn’t serve you. You moved on, and as a result you found something better each and every time. The fact that you have not found a husband to rope into a contract means that you have not made your selection yet. None of the men I have met post divorce could make me happier than I already was. Even when I was down and out, and my mother insisted that I needed a husband to “rescue me”, I always knew that I can do better for myself.

 

I have dated some very powerful men in my life. The lesson I learned is that I was always much more powerful than they. I always knew that I could do better for myself than they could do for me. So I walked. So what! Is there something wrong with me for saying no thanks to a McMansion, a CEO, a shipping tycoon, a brilliant scientist or anyone society labels as a “real man”? In each and every situation, what I learned is that I am more powerful than all of them, and that none of them could be or do anything for me.  I don’t want what “powerful men” offer, I want Me.  I also learned that men offer things like money, houses, shiny rocks to buy themselves security, respect, admiration and validation from women. I won’t validate you. So, bye.

 

But, the most important lesson I learned from walking away from so many “powerful” men is that I am worth more than all of them.  How many women understand that? Should I feel like a failure for that?

 

Some psychologists call that crazy, reckless, boredom, a woman on a self-destructive mission. Any woman would kill for things like husband, home, and security but she keeps walking away. I assure you I have no intention of destroying this awesome life I have built for myself. I do have an intention to enjoy this. Some day, I will be with The One, and I will be crazy in love with him, in fact I have been crazy in love many times, and only That One could have my commitment. But why commit to a mere mortal who buys women? And why feel guilty because your friends have tied the knot, signed a contract, while you are still moving on, and moving on, and moving on? Be very proud of all your endings. If you have accumulated a huge pile of wounded knights and bleeding princes, it means that in each and every situation you chose You. That’s the only real woman that there is.

 

There is no such thing as a failed relationship. There is only failure to honor yourself, and failure to choose You.

 

No apologies, no regrets.

 

S

 

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When He Doubts He Could Be The Man You Need Him To Be, Believe Him

If he doubts that he is good enough for you, believe him. He knows himself better than you possibly could. He is aware of his own shortcomings, and more likely to know he will disappoint you. If he is reluctant, he has a good reason to be. Leave him alone.

Have you ever tried to empower a guy to approach you? Have you tried to make yourself appear normal, easy, less of a threat so that he could finally muster up the confidence to ask you out on a real date? He needs a clearer signal, or he needs a confidence boost, so you do whatever it takes to show him it’s okay, you’re safe, you won’t hurt him.

Your support is kind and your time is generous, but there is nothing you can do to make someone become anything at a core level. You might boost his confidence temporarily, you might even succeed in helping him approach you by making yourself seem less “threatening” and showing him how easy and approachable you truly are. But coming down to his level, and making yourself available when he doubts what he could possibly be for you will only topple you off your Goddess pedestal.

Rather than empower him to believe you are really not as grand and mighty as he thinks you are, and that you are just the girl next door, let him be nervous. The more he thinks you are out of his reach the easier it is to remain in your power. He might never step forward. It is okay, a man who does not fear you will. He might never make a move because what ever doubt he holds in his mind is valid. A man should doubt whether he could have you. If he were certain of what a sure thing you are, he’d be done with you in a minute. It is always better to be unapproachable, unattainable and out of his reach, because other men will notice you not bending down to his level. Everybody notices the unaffected woman, the one who won’t bend every time the wind blows past. The vast majority of them may not have the courage- be okay with that.

Who do powerful women want? I don’t want the easy guy, I don’t want the one every woman has had, I don’t want the guy who works hard on proving he is a ladies man, and I don’t want the one who doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t want the guy who is insecure, I don’t want the one no woman wants, I don’t want the guy whose ego is boosted by how many women he can have, and I don’t want the one who doubts he can be the man I need him to be. What women want is that One whom everybody wants but no one else can have. Goddesses want that one strong, unshakeable, self-knowing, unbreakable, honorable, clean, dignified, centered, God who isn’t flailing, but is 100% focused on her.

I can afford to let a few doubtful men slide out of my sphere of consciousness. What could they possibly do for me? That doubter who doesn’t know what he wants can only bring me his problems: his insecurities, his exes, his child support battles, his neurotic mother, his self-doubt, his inconsistencies, his mind games to my table. I have no use for such things.

I have proved to myself that I can create that spectacular life I always dreamed of all by myself. It doesn’t take much money, it doesn’t take a rich husband, it doesn’t take other people’s support, all it takes is confidence, self-appreciation, and knowing that I am totally worth everything I am currently enjoying. So, if he can’t step up, why would you want him? That guy who is flailing should be with a girl his own size. Leave the apprehensive ones to the amateurs.

The amazing thing that happens when you leave the undecideds alone, is that they get bored very easily with women on their own level. They are easy, uninspiring, pliable, childish, empty. A mindless twit can only satisfy a male whose ego depends on her validation. He could never be enough for you.

So if a man is reluctant, don’t take it personally. It does not mean that you are not enough at all. It means he doesn’t think he could be as big, strong and powerful as a woman of your stature would want. Believe him.

S

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Ego Based Relationships & Low Conscious Love

“He should choose me, instead of that bitch”. How many times have you heard a similar statement? “She should be mine, but she doesn’t know what a real man is”.  How many times have you believed that you are the only right choice for your love interest? Are you really? Is that person of interest so ignorant and so incapable of choosing what is best for him? He must be, because he is consistently choosing someone else.

 

It is painful to be the one not chosen. But when we look at the situation objectively, we realize that the only thing that hurts is our own ego. It is immature and quite egotistical to assume that we are in the best interest of the other person, that they are making a mistake choosing someone else, that we are the only right choice, and that there must be something wrong with the guy for not realizing we are the one. It seems laughable when we are looking at someone else express those feelings of resentment toward a man who doesn’t want her, but we have all been there and we have all felt that ego pain.

 

Choosing her is not the wrong choice. He is choosing who suits him and we have to respect other people’s choices. It is quite narcissistic to see ourselves as the only right choice.

 

Ego. We all have one, and sometimes it gets in the way of us realizing our dreams. Often, when we lose something we really, really want, it is because we act on our ego, instead of pure desire and pure love. If we love purely and unconditionally, we would love regardless of what he is doing, regardless of whether people give us what we want, regardless of whether they are willing to fulfill our needs, we would be love.

 

Unconditional love is something we all want, yet very few people are willing to be unconditional about love. Our attachment to what we want turns into a stubborn obsession and insistence that it must be. And often we place ourselves and our ego at the center of the universe, and insist that for something to be right or good, it must feed our ego. “The only way I could be in love and complete is if he realizes that I am the one. But he is blind, his eyes are closed, and that ugly bitch has my man.”

 

Everything is as it should be, even when you are not getting what you want. It is their choice to be together, they are two willing participants, they have chosen to be with each other, therefore it is right. What is wrong is your insistence that this should all be yours.

 

We all know how unpleasant it is to have some angry dude obsessed with us, a persistent creep who won’t take no for an answer. But he too is operating from his ego, and wanting something that isn’t reciprocated. Don’t be that creep.

 

When you have identified a situation that feels wrong to you, your job is to understand your own place in it. If you are stuck on a man who is making no moves towards you, or if someone else has got what you think is rightfully yours, it is time to step away from the situation. Wanting something or someone that doesn’t want you back is a vicious cycle and you are creating it all by yourself. It is time to get off the rat wheel, so that you can start moving in a healthier direction. If you stay on that wheel, you will stay in a state of wanting and wanting and wanting and wanting. Staying focused on what you don’t have will definitely create an obsession, an emotionally toxic mess.

 

It isn’t your place to push your way into situations where you are not wanted. That is your ego starving for validation. It is your place to create healthy relationships with people who are just as willing to connect and relate to you as you are to them. A relationship is when two people express equal interest in each other, and participate in it equally. When one person is short on interest, it is not a relationship. It is your responsibility to know when you are in one, and pull yourself away from people who have no interest in you.

 

Sorry, but you cannot force a relationship. You cannot talk your way into one. You will never argue someone into loving you or respecting you. And you will never be The One to a man who doesn’t see you as such. Your work, if you choose a path towards reaching Goddess status is to master your ego. You will always have the ego, but knowing how to separate from it is one of the basic steps to mastery.

 

The purpose to all suffering is to temporarily separate ourselves from the ego. Ego death, the most painful state there is, is also one of the first steps to enlightenment. One of the reasons I encourage meditation is that in order to enter that state, two things must happen. You must separate yourself from your intellect and enter the no-thought state, and you must separate yourself from your ego. When both fall away, you are meditating. Over time, you master the state of meditation, it becomes comfortable and natural to you, and you learn to make decisions and choices from that higher state of mind. You will no longer react to people or situations. Instead you will observe, and act in a way that is in your best interest. A woman who is aligned with her higher self, and acts in her on highest interest is a Goddess. The one who compromises herself, controls or manipulates, operates from the ego. She is totally helpless against herself.

 

I will write more about ego death, and the value of suffering or experiencing pain. But for now it is important to understand that we all have an ego, and that it serves a purpose. Not knowing how to master the ego or keep it in check is a sign of emotional ignorance, the person operating from that state hasn’t even taken her first step.

 

If your ego rules your relationships, you are probably experiencing the same patterns and negative situations over and over again. Your life is playing a broken record, and you are wondering why am I spinning around and around in circles, unable to produce a healthier situation.

 

If this is you, your goal shouldn’t be how to enter new relationships and stay attached to them, it is to learn how to become an observer of yourself in relationships, how to detach yourself from transactional or codependent situations, how to meet your own needs, and not perceive others as your medicine. Your daily practice should be separating yourself from your ego, loving people who refuse to give you what you want, finding acceptance for situations you cannot change, and understanding that this situation is your own creation. You must first change yourself before your life can change for the better.

 

A lot of women in the private Goddess forum insist they want unconditional love. Yet, when I question them, each one is stuck on a dozen conditions. You can’t experience unconditional love if you believe in conditions. You simply cannot love with your ego. Hate, jealousy, resentment are all ego based expressions of unrequited love. If your ego was in check, you would be able to feel love for that person who refuses to love you back- that is what unconditional love is all about.

 

It is hard to separate yourself from your ego, it took years of meditation for me to start to see results. Don’t beat yourself up if the process doesn’t come easily. The goal is simply to start the process and accept that you won’t master it immediately. To motivate you into taking the first step, I urge you to look at relationships, codependency, transactional people and the dramas that ego based love creates, and ask yourself if you want that. Mind games, ghosting, manipulation, control, jealousy, lack and scarcity are all sign of people transacting and attempting to relate on a lower emotional level. You will never find a higher person if you are operating from your ego. You will only find your match.

 

To divorce yourself from toxic relationships and unhealthy patterns, you must do the work only on yourself. You must recognize that it is you that is participating in unhealthy relationships and that it is your work to become a match to someone who loves on a higher level.

 

Buddha suffered for decades until his ego died. Often, the most painful of life’s situations will lead us to slowly drop the ego, and those situations must be welcomed with open arms and understood before we can progress. But, Buddha also meditated for many years in order to connect with his higher self. No, you cannot strike a yoga pose and claim to be enlightened J Life isn’t as easy as that.

 

In my life I have suffered two absolute disasters of complete loss and devastation. I have plunged into the abyss, was on the brink of death three times and emerged better and stronger than ever. As I sat there in the darkness, I realized that I am not those things that once belonged to me. I am not that marriage, nor that person I signed a love contract with. They were just my egoic representations of what I believed was love. Everything about that life was false. It was a contractual, transactional situation we all refer to as “love”. But it was not pure, nor unconditional at all. The conditions had to fall away so that I could learn that. When the conditions were gone, I had absolutely nothing at all. I had to face myself as I really am. That was the death of my ego. That self that I had created by acquiring conditions and validating myself through other people and objects was a false mask. Yes, it is the most painful thing in the world to face yourself as you really are, and then learn to find acceptance for that nothingness that is you.

 

But that is your work. You must find a way to separate yourself from your ego so that you can learn to consistently choose yourself, make decisions that are in your own best interest, and master your inner being.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Release The Stigma Of Your Choice

STIGMA.  We all get stigmatized for our choices, and in the last few weeks since the new abortion laws were passed, I have been hearing a lot from women who have been stigmatized for having an abortion, considering one, not having any children, having them outside of marriage, not having them on time, or having them “too late”, past her prime.  We all know the ugly feeling of judgment, like we can’t do right when the world says we are wrong. But, stigma is just judgment that we are willing to accept.

 

The way I have dealt with all my “wrong” and difficult choices is to be proud of them, not hide them, even flaunt them in the face of people who try to inflict guilt. Why?  It releases me from the stigma. It is my way of saying no to their judgment, not accepting it, not internalizing it, and remaining free from carrying that stigma around.

 

When you argue or have a vicious fight with someone who is judging you, the more you argue for your choices, the more you validate them and their judgment about you. Why should I argue with a mental midget that I am an equal to that mental midget? Why should I argue with an ignorant buffoon, that I should be able to make choices in my best interest without his/her approval? That drops me down to the buffoon’s psychological level.

 

Instead, I openly talk about the benefits of the choices I have made, how guilt free I feel,  I revel in my freedom, I gloat about how I have never felt wrong, only absolutely right. Basically, I am demonstrating how great I feel, and how powerless their words of judgment are compared to my happiness. It really shuts people up.

 

Last summer I was at a social gathering, when two men whose egos I refused to stroke, tried to shame me in front of other guests. They agreed that at my age, my chances of scoring a “real man” like they were are nil, how at my age and my inability to bear a child made me absolutely useless to successful and powerful men, and that they were willing to introduce me to some guys would be willing to give me a chance. I’m not kidding, this was a very upscale social gathering, with seemingly educated people. I was the only female in the room who was refusing to validate both of them, the one refusing to be in awe of their bloated self-aggrandizing personalities, so they decided to talk about me in front of all the men in the room and the wives who believe in them.

 

Sure judgment feels awful, however I was not willing to accept it from them. Had I started to cry, I would have confirmed my insecurity to them, and they would have puffed up even more. Had I taken my boxing gloves out (I am an excellent verbal fighter) and argued for my choices, my words would have fallen on deaf ears, the douche bags only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. And had I fought viciously, they would have used my anger as proof that they are right, and I am some angry, disgruntled woman.

 

So, I took a gulp of champagne, sparkled myself up, closed my eyes and took a very deep breath in and a giant orgasmic smile lit up my face. Without any acknowledgement of their judgment, I started to tell my own story to everyone in the living room. I started to revel in my singleness, shamelessly announced how much I enjoy having multiple men at the same time, how virile younger men are, and the deliciousness of enjoying a vibrant sex life. They also criticized my global travels and tried to say that I was a bored, lonely spinster for traveling so much. So, I gloated about what it is like to get on a plane, fly to an island in Thailand, and get f*cked for a long weekend by an international friend with benefits. I also exclaimed that none of this would be possible if I had children. As I stood there in that living room surrounded by judgmental strangers, I was totally lit, very much at ease with myself, almost boasting about having multiple-orgasms, and how not being married is advantageous to a woman in her prime. I could not shut up, I just went on and on for ten minutes, while there was total silence in the room.

 

When I was finished, I took a very deep breath and released, as if I just had a massive orgasm. Then I asked the ladies if any of them have ever had a real orgasm or if they fake it with their old men?

 

After that, not one person in the room dared to challenge me. I just described the awesomeness and the rightness of every choice I had made without stooping to their level. When they went low, I went super high J

 

My point is that we all have a choice whether to accept judgment, or not be affected by it. Judgment is only a powerful manipulation tool IF we accept it. When we demonstrate that it has no power over our emotions nor our self-worth, we also demonstrate the power we have over ourselves. No one will dare to rub your actions in your face when they see how powerful you feel for having made that choice.

 

Stigma is just judgment we have accepted. When you feel stigmatized, a part of you has accepted the wrongness of a choice you made, even when you made it in your best interest. Release all stigma, it isn’t yours, it belongs to the ones who attempted to control you by manipulating you with guilt. Focus on the rightness of each choice you made. Never explain why you made that choice, you owe no one your excuses. Instead, focus only on all the best things that happened as a result of you doing what is best for yourself. Never display guilt, shame, second-thoughts- all these feelings may be valid to you, but sharing your personal doubts with shamers will only amplify them, and give them a tool to beat you up with.

 

Many of you know that I have been volunteering for Planned Parenthood since college. Imagine how beat up women feel for making a difficult choice, and what it is like to face a crowd of angry mobs who will spit, shame, assault so that you would make a choice in their interest. Seven years ago a woman did something I thought was absolutely genius. She decided to go live on Youtube, and demonstrate using the Morning After pill, show to the public what it is like to miscarry or abort live, and openly talk about the side-effects, what is happening to her body by the hour, in full confidence of the choice she made. That one video completely demystified and destigmatized the process.

 

She took questions from her viewers live, addressed critics and haters with confidence, but also took questions from women who were terrified of the scary side effects they heard about. They watched her go through the process live and she was perfectly calm, and rational about it.

 

The reason I bring up this story is that I think she did more for the cause than anybody else. She stood on live camera fearlessly and brought down the argument that the morning after pill is dangerous, permanently damaging, painful, etc. Since her, many other women have done the same, documenting their choice, pre and post abortion to educate.

 

We destigmatize things by openly talking about them, not hiding as if they are shameful. Stigma is just a bad feeling we all carry. It was inflicted on us by someone who manipulated us to choose what is right for them, not for us. It is your choice to accept stigma, and totally within your power to release it.

 

Rather than complain about how the world makes you feel bad because you are unmarried, your biological clock is ticking, you are having sex too freely, you can just as easily not feel bad about those things. All these things are my choice and I revel in the rightness of each and every choice I made for myself. Rather than feel bad, I choose to feel great. Rather than argue with someone for my freedom to do what is best for me, I demonstrate with great passion how awesome I feel.

 

Judgment is an ugly feeling that is inflicted upon women to make them feel bad for daring to act for themselves. Stigma is our acceptance that what we have chosen requires their approval. But power is a magnificent thing. Power is our ability to remain unaffected by whatever they inflict upon us. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who is 100% sure of her self, 100% unaffected, and 100% willing to act in her own self-interest.

 

No apologies, no regrets.

S

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How To Select Your Soulmate

How to choose your soulmate? Choose you.

 

By definition, your soulmate, is you. It is that person whose soul matches yours. It is that person whose personal development and all the work that went into it, matches your own work. It is that person who is as evolved, as awake, as enlightened as you. If you are all of those things, then you must be very self-aware. And if you are as self-aware as you should be, then anyone who does not match you, anyone who does not match your personal value system, your level of consciousness, your level of self-love will be a glaring contrast to you. Your soulmate is someone you do not have to compensate for. If you have reached that level of self-awareness, you are complete, you are full, you stand in perfection. There would be no need to bend down, make excuses for, or compensate for a person’s shortcomings if he or she matched your soul.

 

What is the purpose of all our failed relationships? None of those past relationships are failures, they were simply lessons in you. Many people fail to see that. The purpose of every relationship regardless of whether it was romantic, familial, or social is to gain awareness of who you are at the core level, and how to gain and maintain respect for yourself. Going back to your earliest relationships, you had to learn to relate to others, develop empathy, treat people respectfully, then evaluate whether they respect you enough to make the relationship worthy of you. The only way you could receive respect is to respect yourself first, and that is a lesson that takes the longest to master.

 

As you got older, and time progressed, you learned what behaviors and belief systems did not honor you, and you learned how to move faster, walking away from relationships which are not in your best interest. Some people believe that this walking away is a bad thing, that somehow ending relationships sooner, represents a lack of effort, lack of persistence, that there is something wrong with people or you. I disagree. Walking away sooner is simply proof that you are learning how to choose you, how to honor yourself first, how to choose situations which are healthy for you, and how to choose people whose inner self matches your own. The more self-aware you are, the more obvious it will be when someone has not reached that level of awareness. A mortal will never be your equal.

 

A Goddess is a woman who has put in a lot of work into building herself. She has a strong foundation, an unshakeable personal belief system, she knows exactly who she is. She is self-reliant, capable, she has faced and conquered her inner demons, she has repaired her own cracks, she has healed her heart many times and still allowed it to remain wide open. She does not see herself as a victim of men, she is a student of life, and her place in it. She works on mastering herself, building her own character, strengthening her own weaknesses, pursuing her own goals. A Goddess is not concerned with pleasing mortals, or bending down to make smaller men feel equal. She knows what she deserves.

 

A Goddess’s equal is God himself. Her soul’s mate can only be that one whose reflection matches her level of completion, her level of self-awareness, her self-esteem. And a God won’t settle for a mortal woman who will admire and look up to him, nor would he be satisfied by a woman who can only stroke his ego. Such women hold no value at all. A God is a man who has created himself, and can only be satisfied by a worthy counterpart. The two are whole and complete people, neither having to compensate or bend down for the other.

 

All of life’s relationships are a lesson in you. When you failed a lesson, it always repeated itself with similar relationships, until you gained an understanding of your own patterns, and learned how to choose you. Maybe you still haven’t learned it. If you are still not consistently choosing you, your self-respect, your honor, and your being, you are not standing on your pedestal, and you are not going to be worshiped until you do. No one will worship a mortal, but masses and masses will worship you when you are a Goddess. Keep working on you.

 

If you are directing your frustration and anger at men who have not met you on your level of completion, you are wasting your time. It is not their job to step up and be who you need them to be. It is your job to keep rising, evolving, perfecting your own being. Your work is none of their business, and their path is none of yours.  In the course of your lifetime, you will encounter many road-blocks, suffer many setbacks, battle your own demons, you will bleed. Don’t be fooled. Your soulmate is not the one who stitches your heart up, it is the one who has bled just as you, has as many wounds and bruises as you do, and has learned an equal number of life’s lessons. Your soulmate is the one who knows how to choose himself too. He has an equal level of self-respect, and can just as easily spot a woman who has not reached his own level of personal development. Your soulmate will keep walking until he meets his equal. Don’t chase people who are walking, they are not for you.

 

Finding a soulmate is a journey within the self. It is a journey of consistently choosing you, over any relationship, and always being true to your own self. It is a journey of developing honor for the self, and consistently honoring it.

 

When you choose you, you continue to evolve. As you are growing, you matches will be people who are temporarily on your level, but the goal is to self-actualize, not to settle for what is available. When you reach that level of completion, when you feel whole without anybody else, when you notice that others see in you what you see in yourself, you will notice that people value you to a much greater degree than ever before. People will compete for your time and your attention because it is valuable to them. They will respect your beliefs, honor your time and space, value your opinions. You won’t have to ask for respect, you will command it easily. You won’t have to chase people, they will willingly be in your presence. That is the time to choose your soul mate. Your soul mate will never be a beggar starving for your attention, nor a demander of your respect. He will be your equal. You will easily recognize God when you see him. But until then, keep choosing you.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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Has He Triggered You Into Chasing Him?

Just because you have emotions and feelings for a guy, does not mean that you have love. A true love connection goes both ways, the feeling is always mutual. And just because you have feelings, does not make the relationship or situation valid. Remember, for any situation to be real, it must be of benefit, of interest, and equally enjoyable for both people. So, what to do if you have feelings, but he doesn’t?

 

Simmer yourself down. You can’t negotiate feelings out of people. You can’t state your case, then argue your way into a relationship. Despite what relationship manuals say, you cannot create genuine feelings by applying magic tricks. Anything that interferes with a person’s free will is cheap manipulation and it cannot end well. Often those feelings we feel for a person are not rational. Have you ever actually analyzed your feelings for a person who does not want you?

 

Often, those feelings are something else. Often, those are feeling of rejection. His reluctance or disinterest has triggered something within you, and now you confuse that feeling of rejection, that heart throb, for having feelings of love for him. No, he triggered you. We all know how rejection feels, and we often want that object of our affection even more after we have felt that twinge of heart ache. But don’t confuse that aching heart for love. It is the ache of rejection. We all want the ones we can’t have.

 

Haven’t you noticed that the people who want us badly, so, so badly, often come across as creeps, but people who blow us off, trigger something within us and we want to prove to ourselves that we can have them. An emotion is just that, an emotional reaction. And when we have been slighted, forgotten or dismissed, some of us turn into rabid dogs chasing, wanting, pleading, manipulating.

 

Your power is always in knowing yourself. Be aware of your emotional triggers, and know that it is just your mind/body reaction to an uncomfortable situation, and not to be confused with love, nor sexual attraction. Yes, we often feel twice as attracted to the man who can easily turn his back on us. Do you remember the story of Pavlov’s dog and what made the dog salivate? It wasn’t the meat that made the dog salivate. The dog would drool every time it heard Pavlov ring a bell. The bell is just a trigger, and the drool is just a reaction. Don’t confuse an emotional reaction with the emotion of love. They are drastically different feelings some of us have been conditioned to confuse. But there is a very clear difference between the sound of the bell, and the smell of tasty meat.

 

If you understand yourself, you will understand how men operate. Most of them simply know how to trigger us. There are tricks that work on most women all the time. I can’t blame men for using them. Your choice is whether to be a slave to your own emotional triggers, or learn to recognize them. An interesting thing I observed recently. My 6 year old nephew was triggering my sister by rejecting her, then showing her love, then rejecting her again, and my highly intelligent, super successful sister fell for it each and every time. If we can be outsmarted and outmaneuvered by a 6 year old boy, what does that say about our personal power?

 

Most men have been practicing how to pull that trigger since childhood. And each and every dating manual for rejects with low emotional intelligence teach tricks like NLP that can easily be deployed to manipulate anyone into submission. If you find yourself falling for cheap tricks each an every time, and being extremely attracted to anyone who knows how to push your emotional buttons, it is in your best interest to admit that you are easily played. No, it’s not anyone’s fault that you drool every time the bell rings. It is your fault that as a grown-ass woman you don’t know enough about yourself. Women who don’t know themselves have no power at all.

 

Pay attention to your own emotions, and how easily you get triggered into chasing something that isn’t wanting you. Then, pay attention how nervous men get when they see they have no effect on you at all. You are as cool as a cucumber, and you are playing no games.

 

Knowing myself and being aware when someone is trying to trigger me, allows me the luxury to sit back and observe. It is exactly when some pushes my emotional buttons that I open my eyes and ears and watch his performance. Usually, when there is no reaction from me at all, that is exactly when the slick little dolt will try even harder.  What I have discovered by observing people do their best to push my emotional buttons is just how emotionally impotent they are.

 

Observe an adult male who has reached the age of maturity, and the only power he feels is when he can trigger an emotional response from a dimwit. Yet, for a lot of grown men that is the only way they can gain any interest from a woman. A lot of dolts and douche-bags actually feel empowered when they have pulled a trigger and gotten a reaction. I am sure that Pavlov too thought he was absolutely brilliant when he got a dog to drool with a bell instead of real meat. Most men would beat their chests and congratulate themselves for being a real male. And really, that is all there is to manhood. Just that. I pulled a trigger, she reacted, and now I feel like a real man.  They go around a bar, collecting phone numbers simply by pulling emotional triggers, and the dimwit who gave it to him felt a true emotional connection. Yes, she felt something but it wasn’t attraction at all.

 

Often when I talk to women in our private forum, they describe being attracted to someone for inexplicable reasons. They assume he has some magical power that she has no control over. Men describe the same situations too when they are being triggered by an expert manipulator.  Women know how to pull the trigger too.

 

But this is an asinine way to attract people. Knowing how to pull an emotional trigger is something a three year old can do. And relating to people by pushing buttons is a sign of low emotional intelligence for both parties. It takes an emotional midget to trigger another emotional midget. It takes an action and a reaction to make a relationship between two emotional Neanderthals. We cannot blame men for this, nor can we make women the only victims. They are both operating on the same wave-length. They are equals in every sense of the word.

 

Observation is a very powerful tool that can help you assess who you are dealing with. And one of the best things you can do for yourself is to analyze your own emotions and understand how those emotions influence your behavior. You will see that they are often irrational. For example, if you find yourself physically attracted to someone you typically would never been turned on by, you are probably being triggered.

 

While you are observing yourself, you must observe the person you are dealing with. If you feel very strong emotions or reactions, pay attention to what he is doing to trigger you. Is he subtly rejecting you? Is he playing hot and cold? Is he ignoring you? Is he offending you or making you feel self-conscious? Are feeling unusually inadequate around this person? If it seems that your emotions are too strong, or if you are acting out of character, chances are that the guy is trying his best to incite a reaction out of you.

 

The most desperate humans on earth subsist on other people’s energy. And this is exactly what happens when two people meet and one has triggered the other into a cat and mouse game. He has no skills, no emotional intelligence, nor any intent in connecting on a human level, instead he measures his own value as a man by what kind of reaction he can get out of her. If he can trigger a few women in a night into handing over their phone number, he feels like a real man, and if he cannot, he concludes that there is something wrong with the women.

 

One of the best skills I learned in life is how to observe objectively without confusing my emotions with a genuine connection. Just because a man can trigger an emotion, it does not mean that it is a healthy one. In the past I could get triggered into being attracted to a guy I was not attracted to at all before we spoke. He says something and hmmm, suddenly I am changing my mind. If I look at my own behavior in those past situations I now recognize that there was no genuine attraction, that I was simply being triggered by an emotion I hadn’t resolved since childhood and the person could turn me on and turn me off like a remote control. Looking back at those men I see them now as a complete waste of any woman’s time. They all lack the IQ and the emotional intelligence to be of value to humanity. But, I don’t see myself as a victim of anybody. I was old enough to have known better.

 

If you are a grown-ass woman, and you still fall for every trick in the book, stop blaming men. Instead, do something which is likely to make you feel very uncomfortable. Look at him as your own emotional equal. It is very easy for us to blame the other. But, to understand how manipulation happens, we have to understand ourselves. You have to write your own operations manual and understand how your own emotional mind and body operate, before you can reprogram yourself.

 

This person IS for now your emotional equal. I don’t care how smart you are, how educated you are, nor how successful you are. The fact is that this mental midget was able to incite a response from you, and you fell for it like Pavlov’s dog. Admit it. It hurts.

His intelligence might seem laughable to you, but if you are falling for his emotional triggers, you are playing on his level. So, the question is, why is a grown-ass woman still playing mind games? It is amazing to me how highly educated women in their 30’s, 50’s, even 60’s are trying to decode texting mind games. If the game feels mind-numbing it is because he is numbing your mind. Do you need a relationship manual to understand how your mind is being played? Yet, most grown-ass women with highly impressive degrees will try to rationalize his two-syllable texts. Why? It is plain to see that you are communicating with a dolt, and you are looking for ways to make yourself comprehensible to a Neanderthal. If a grown-ass man has reached adulthood and the only way he knows how to get what he wants is by mystifying your text screen, then pulling a disappearing act, are you looking at a man who is your equal? Be honest. If you are participating in this idiocy, you must be just as emotionally inept as he is. But, admit it, you do own a copy of the Text Messaging Survival Guide under your bed.

 

These emotional mind games are food for the emotionally inept. Don’t blame this on social media, social trends, the disconnectedness of our society. That’s not fair. The world is changing, and you cannot afford to bark at the moon.

 

There are plenty of highly intelligent people in this world who truly are capable of connecting on a deep level. Many of us simply do not want to. I see that the vast majority of people I know are a waste of my time, and I now pay attention only to what I want. That’s a story for another post. But, real men do exist, and you will never meet them paying attention to men who subsist on mind games, trickery, NLP, and emotional vampirism.

 

It is in your own interest to learn how to screen them out. The best way to do that is to observe. Observe what emotions he is able to trigger within you, how those reactions cause you to act. Observe if his highest level of communication is via text, and whether he is able to form full sentences or if he gets a kick out of leaving you hanging. This is really all you need to know. Don’t try to rationalize his behavior, don’t make excuses for it, do not try to adjust your expectations to his puzzling behavior, and do not psychoanalyze him. Everything you need to know about this person is on full display right now.

 

But most of all, observe on what level is this man relating to you? Is he relating on a superficial level? Did he get your number before you established any connection at all? Be smart. Why would you give someone your number if you were not satisfied with the initial interaction? Were you triggered into believing that there will be better conversations and more magic later? There won’t. You are likely to get a lot of glitter and dust when he comes back for more.

 

My point is that emotions are nothing to get excited about. Just because someone can trigger emotions and feelings from you, does not mean that the attraction is real. It means that like Pavlov’s dog you are hungry.

 

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your emotions are enough reason to get involved with someone. Emotions can easily be triggered. I have a degree in how to push people’s emotions, thousands of books have been written on the subject. These are very low-level connections that a Goddess doesn’t have time for. We all agree that these connections are a complete waste of time. No woman who has invested in herself, her career, her security and her development wants to connect to a Neanderthal, yet many who have no clue how their own emotions operate are easily fooled into following their feelings.

 

Use your feelings as a barometer, not as an excuse to chase people. My feelings are simply indicators of what kind of pressure the other person is applying. In any given moment, I am aware of what emotion is being triggered inside me, and I do not react. I simply observe that one douche is trying to manipulate me, the other is trying out the latest trick in the book, and the most desperate of all is simply looking for face time. They all just want a number, who says you have to give it to them?

 

When you spend quality time observing men, you can easily spot the ones with low emotional intelligence.  They play to win, they seek validation, they take up time, they collect phone numbers like they collect scratch-off lottery tickets, and the ones who boast are usually starving.

 

But, always pay close attention to your own emotions first, and when you find yourself being irrationally attracted to someone who is driving you crazy, know that you are being played. Has someone triggered you into chasing them?

 

 

S

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Confusing Emotions With Love

Just because a man wants your heart, doesn’t mean that he wants to give you his. Women assume that if he is pushing and pulling her emotional buttons that he must be asking for love. Why else would she feel this way? If you have a child, ask yourself why is a child pushing your emotional buttons? Why is he or she making me so emotional? The kid wants something. We all want something, and when it is out of reach, we appeal to a person’s sense of emotion. Marketers know this very well, that is why every expensive purchase must stir you from the inside. But just because a man is making your head spin, your heart flutter, and is asking for your heart, does not mean that he is intending to give you his. Asking for a woman’s heart is a big deal for a woman, and many women confuse his asking for a sincerity and good intention.

 

The best way to get a woman on the hook is to ask for her heart, The best way to string someone along is to make them believe in the possibility of a deep bond. Haven’t you noticed how when you are hooked on someone, there’s a lot of hope but very little delivery?  The best flirts know how to stir the emotions, and talking about a woman’s favorite subject like commitment, forever, and bonding is enough to get women hooked, long before a relationship has been discussed.

 

Quality men who are serious about relationships don’t mess with women’s emotions. Sure, every relationship will stir your emotions eventually, but these men don’t want to be played with, so they don’t play women. The also rarely or never date more than one woman at a time. They invest time, just like you would. They build relationships slowly and from the ground up, lay solid foundations by asking healthy questions, they will show you that they are filtering for quality women.

 

Many women aren’t turned on by quality men because they are not exciting, but quality men are not trying to excite you at all. They are trying to know you. You might notice that quality men are often present, and that’s not always exciting to women who are used to chasing bait. Let’s face it, many of us are addicted to the chase. Men might let us eventually catch them, but what we have caught is always empty of genuine emotion.

 

One of the first signs of an empty vessel is a man who is messing with your emotions, your self-perception, your center. He is poking and prodding to see what makes you tick. He might say you are beautiful, but just a little too round for him. He might say he likes your confidence, but tone it down with your anger issues. A master manipulator wants your emotions up front. He will either have you gushing with excitement or seething in a silent rage of self-hate long before a relationship has been established. Your emotions are bursting out of you like a volcano, long before you have any concrete evidence that he is a real man.

 

When you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster long before any friendship or relationship has been established, you are dealing with a master manipulator. Your head is spinning, your heart is pounding over a stranger you don’t even know. When he has given you no proof of who he is, not declared truthfully what he wants, nor established himself as an honest, healthy human being, and you find yourself emotionally imbalanced because of him, you are being played. Still want to play?

 

A lot of women confuse this rush of emotional excitement for a bond. An honest, quality man who works to establish a connection is never as exciting as this. He isn’t triggering any emotions up front, so women ignore him, he just isn’t sexy. A lot of women, don’t know what a good man is.

 

Think of the time you met a quality woman, and that other time you met a crazy-woman.  The quality friendship was a slow and steady growth, there was no emotional drama, blackmail, manipulation up front. The person respected you as a human, asked important question to establish your validity, and then started giving you more time accordingly. That long and steady friendship is based on mutual respect. That’s not sexy, I know.

 

But, we all have met that emotional drama queen who over-shared her crazy life, spilled all her feelings about every ex she ever dated, dished on all her friends, and then told you whatever you wanted to hear just to hang out with you. Men are the same way. The ones who haven’t much to offer will always stir your emotions long before there is anything concrete to be emotional about.

 

And yes, a lot of women are simply addicted to the chase, or to whoever is running away. At a certain point in our lives we have to stop blaming “bad men” for being bad, and admit to ourselves that we are the addict. We are all junkies looking to score emotion out of the other. The men are too. We are starving for that emotional high all humans get from having their hearts simmered over a slow burn, then scorched into dust. And some never learn, we chase that emotional high, over and over again.

 

One of the things I learned looking at my dating history, is that all the unhealthiest people I dated were experts at pulling emotional heart strings. And they all did it long before any relationship began. They were able to do it on the first meeting.

 

The quality men I dated didn’t try to do that. They were careful with my heart as they wanted me to be considerate of their own. I admit, that rarely turned me on. Often I was just looking to get high, but the man was trying to build something solid. So I’d yawn and move onto someone else more exciting.

 

We have all been in relationships with a narc, and we all know how exciting that is. It’s as thrilling as a roller coaster ride, or a sky dive. Dangerous, reckless, but so exhilarating. I remember how many decades I believed that a true emotional bond had to feel like a thrill, or it couldn’t be love.

 

People who actually have a heart, won’t play with yours. People who are capable of feeling deeply, will not try to bond too quickly, instead they will take time to build trust. People who actually have a soul, will not mess with you on a soul level, they will give you plenty of time and space to reveal yours. People who are empty will try to incite emotions from you right away. Emotions are like food, they feed an empty vessel.

 

At a certain point in our lives we get tired of playing with the empties. It’s just a game of who can drain the other of emotions sooner without sharing a drop of their own.

 

I think most of us learn how to spot the difference between a real human and a zombie once we are totally drained. Until we are laying lifeless with barely a drop of blood to sustain us, most of us are still dreaming of that emotional roller coaster. But when we have nothing left to give, when we are ready to completely check out, we find that there are real people out there who are like us. They too are tired, they too have given all they can, and their hearts are barely beating. That’s when we learn to respect people’s hearts.

 

A quality person will never play with your emotions or mess with your heart. They are keeping a safe distance and they approach relationships by building a solid foundation of respect, trust and dignity. They know that all those things must be earned, so they demonstrate their sincerity, show proof, they deliver. Yes, that is very boring when you are just a junkie looking to score.

 

When I first came to this realization, and the prospect of only dating boring men, I was totally turned off. I no longer wanted to date anyone at all. What’s the point if it isn’t exciting? What’s the point if I’m not getting high? I gave up dating all together, until I stumbled onto a decent human being who seemed unexciting, he just happened to be very good eye-candy. The superficial me went for his looks, prepared to waste a little time with a man easy on the eyes.

 

What I learned by dating someone who did not mess with my emotions is that it is possible to be in a relationship with a solid human, who is perfectly capable of having a good time without me feeling drained.  Real men and women do exist, but we walk past them because they usually aren’t making us feel anything. They don’t trigger anything within us, so we assume they are not the one. We feel nothing upon meeting them, they don’t stir anything within us, so we walk away.

 

They also won’t give us their emotions up-front. They understand that a two-way connection must be established and both people have to see something real in each other for genuine emotions to come out.  Healthy people expect us to earn their trust and respect. They filter, they screen, they have boundaries. That takes time to establish. Healthy relationships don’t feel like a free fall.

 

I admit I still get excited when someone has stirred some emotions up front. But now I actually study men. I often find that the ones who have no substance will resent being questioned, studied, and filtered. They want emotions and emotional reactions from me so that they can feel valid. When it comes time to prove themselves, they are nowhere to be found, so I am grateful that my radar is finally working. I can usually spot them right away.

 

Don’t get so turned on by emotions. They exist to protect you. If you are feeling something too much, too soon, before any trust or respect has been established, you are being played. Lot’s of people know how to stir emotion, very few know how to love.

 

S

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