Phantom Relationships And Neverending Stories

Do you have a neverending story with someone? An impossible, unattainable man, that overly complicated situation that never turned into a relationship. This story has actually been preventing you from starting to live your life. You cannot start to live unless you write a new story, unfortunately, you are still stuck in the old one. A lot of women mistake that impossibly unattainable man as The One. Fairy tales have told us that that one man is the only one worth waiting for, and that excruciating wait will eventually come with a great reward- everlasting love. Some of us believe that suffering is noble, and the wait is exactly what makes us worthy. Others are simply addicted to rejection, and mistake emotional manipulation for a relationship. He is slippery, impossible, ungraspable, but the fact that he is that consuming, makes you believe he is real.


The impossible man is exactly that- impossible. And that long history with a phantom is just that, a relationship with no one. There is no reward for that. Impossible people don’t one day decide to become good just for you, and they won’t reward you for waiting. The longer you are emotionally available to them (even if they are not aware that you are stuck on them), the longer you are unavailable to real love, the kind that actually exists.
Ten years ago I was in a similar situation. I didn’t know then that I was addicted to a guy like a junkie is addicted to crack. There was nothing special about him, he wasn’t even my type, nor would anyone consider him a catch, nor datable. So what was I addicted to? I was addicted to the impossibility, the hot/cold, one day he loves me, most days he hates me, one day he invites me for a drink, then I don’t hear from him for a month, one day he is pouring his heart out, the next day he is heartless. This man could not be pinned down. He would pour his emotions out one day and I would think what a beautiful, pained soul he is, I must be there for him. Then he would disappear, ignore my calls, lie. One day he exists, most days he does not. This is not a man, this is a phantom. No one can be in a relationship with a phantom.


But the whole story of us is neverending. It is impossible to break up with a phantom because a man who does not exist will not give you closure. And a relationship which does not exist cannot be severed. Try breaking up with an impossible man. The more you tell him to go away the more he will haunt you. Please know this is not the man’s fault, so you will never logically be able to reason with him, nor will you ever be able to get closure from him. The only way out of this rabbit hole is to go cold turkey, and crawl out on your hands and bloody knees.
We all have neverending stories in our lives: the one that got away, an unfinished chapter in our book, the one that has been keeping us stuck for years. Yes, these men are lessons, but the lesson is not what you think. The lesson isn’t in the entanglement with the phantom, the lesson is YOU learning your emotional triggers and weaknesses, understanding that it is YOU who got yourself into this by being interested in an impossible man, staying around, attempting to solve his riddle, and being mesmerized by a ghost who is nowhere to be found. Accepting that it is YOU allows you the power to let go. You got attached, he didn’t strap you to him nor ask you to go on his magic carpet ride. You believed that he was magic.
Lack of closure is that thing that keeps our chapter unfinished, and we remain in the old story waiting and waiting and waiting. To get out of this you will need a lot of help. I didn’t have any, so all I could do is go cold turkey- this phantom was never going to let me go. As cold as he was, he would always reappear just as I began to heal and close my chapter. It has been 9 years, and each year I receive a communication from him, I blocked his number, his FB, his email, and each year he finds a new way to contact me. I have been over him for years, really I don’t feel a pang for him at all. But his desperation to remain in control of my emotions will never end. Phantoms are people whose only goal is your energy, and they will try to keep you stuck on them forever. You might think you need them, but they need you, your attention, your energy more.
I have a lot of lovers whom I don’t want or miss or need for anything. They are forgotten exes, or are they?? I recently realized that a part of me is still stuck on an ex from a long long time ago. That chapter was closed. We broke up with full closure. We moved on, had better relationships. But I just realized that while I don’t miss the man, nor his body, nor his brain, nor the relationship, I still feel the anxieties similar men cause me. He was the one who taught me to mistrust, to be suspicious, to see the hidden desperations in all men, so now I simply project all those old feelings into new men. The man is gone, but the bad habit has stayed.
So what can you do? Stop blaming the man. If you are in an addiction (a relationship with a phantom), you will need a lot of help. Hire a professional. You may have to try different types of help to see what works best for you. A lot of my friends are in therapy with a licensed psychologist. Some are more spiritual, so they are doing energy work. Do whatever it takes. All the women who are still addicted are still open to the men. Though the man has cut them off, they are still mentally focused onto them, some are even keeping channels of communication open just in case. The way you know that you have officially begun the healing process is the day you have the courage to block him.
All my exes are blocked in every way possible. There is no possible way to find me through any social media channel. Yes they still manage to find a new email address- that only tells me that they are more starving for my energy than I am.
Blocking someone we are addicted to hurts a lot. It is like cutting off a limb. We think if I make this final move, there is no going back forever. But you are an addict, do you really need the toxic serum dripping into your vein? You only know you are on your way to serious recovery when you have cut off all flow. If you can’t do this, let your friends, therapists, counselors help you.
Take a look at your life. What is your neverending story? Yes, the one spinning in your head. The man might be long gone, but the music continues to play. That is your block- the very thing keeping you from moving towards something much better. You might think that you have moved on simply because you are in a new relationship. But you haven’t because as long as that same old music keeps playing in your head, you are reliving the neverending story, over and over again. He is just a new face.






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Single Bliss For The Holidays 

Holiday stress is not caused by being single. Holiday stress is caused when we force ourselves to honor others and their needs above our own. Holiday stress is about obligation to our families and friends. It is about duty to participate in the version of holidays they envisioned for themselves, and feeling the pressure to participate in it on their terms.

I never liked the holidays. And it is not because I am single. I didn’t like the holidays when I was married, partnered, or deeply in love. What I don’t like about the holidays is the pressure for me to show up and be how other people want me to be. 

For years mom and dad wanted to be surrounded by the warmth of their family. For a while, and at different periods in time, we were a warm family. But when the children married, holidays became complicated. Now it was about the painful decision of whose family to spend the holidays with. It became about screaming children. It became about interpersonal dramas, it became about tolerating intolerable spouses just so others would feel like they have the version of Christmas that they wished for themselves. I felt obligated to provide my aging parents a postcard perfect Christmas, that was not so idyllic for me. I felt pressured to ease my sister’s marriage stress by tolerating much more from her husband than I should. I felt drained by the lack of space and personal privacy in my family home during the hectic days, and I became drained by her unruly toddler who somehow became everyone’s top priority,. Sorry sis, I love him, but I do not bow down to your kid.

Once again, the media depicts the holidays for single people as pathetic spinsterhood. I assure you I am a happy, healthy, sexually actively Singleton, almost a hedonist. There is nothing for me to be miserable about. I have built the life that I always wanted for myself. The reason I don’t like the holidays is because they force me to step out of my haven, and deal with family on their terms, not mine.

What would I rather do? Since holidays are meant to be special occasions, celebrations of life, how would I celebrate myself if I had it my way? I started to consider that more in the last few years, and started to steal away from family obligations a.k.a. drudgery to honor myself. A few years ago, I booked a beach vacation with a total hunk. That’s how I honored myself that Thanksgiving . It was a marvelous experience where I showed myself gratitude, bliss and pleasure.  

I had to lie to my family to do it, and the lying didn’t feel so good. I wanted to tell them, “No mom and dad, spending Thanksgiving in your home, stuffing myself with carbs and lard and sugar, would not be a pleasure. No, sis, I don’t feel like tolerating your manipulative husband this year, and no I don’t feel like dealing with your stress, just because you have a baby”. But I didn’t.

I did not feel guilty treating myself to a beautiful holiday. I felt bad that I wasn’t speaking my truth. Sugarcoating my unavailability so they could feel okay about my absence felt like I wasn’t honoring myself. And honor thyself is one of the most important Goddess principles. Never one to beat myself up over a human error, I decided to practice honoring myself for the holidays, and accept that I must go through a learning curve, until I get the holidays just right. When I feel awesome about spending the holidays exactly how I want to experience them, I will have achieved a complete and unapologetic celebration of myself. 

I resolved to do the holidays better the following year. Once again I told my family that I am taking a break and experiencing Thanksgiving with friends instead of them. I tuned out their complaints, guilt trips, and anger. I told them each the truth. Spending Thanksgiving dinner with friends will be much more fun and pleasurable than driving four hours to be with you, stuff myself like a pig, then pretend I am interested in your personal woes. It was a better holiday. Dinner with friends for two hours is much easier on the waistline, my digestive system and my nervous system than a long weekend with my family. It was definitely more pleasure to go home alone, treat myself to a warm bath, drink that special wine I splurged on all for myself, and then hang out with my friend with benefits the following night.

Where is this pressure to be with our families, and participate in their version of the holidays, and make effort to make them feel good about themselves coming from? Why do single people feel awkward during big celebrations? 

Once again, I blame it on media, culture and society.  They tell us that if we are single we must be lonely and miserable. None of those things are true for me. They tell us that friends, family and traditions are to be honored. But if we do that, we place the honor on something outside ourselves. If you are single, have you The Singleton ever asked them to honor you? 

I firmly believe that the reason most single people are stressed out by the holidays is because they allow themselves to succumb to the pressure of others, rather than honoring themselves. We buy into the idea that not participating in obligatory family functions is bad, and any alternative to being included in something spells doom, loneliness, rejection. 

Honestly, the best Thanksgiving I ever had was on that island with that hunk. That was not a shallow experience, in fact it was a very rich experience. I treated myself to an experience designed to my personal tastes, and spent the time in the best way that I knew how. I splurged on an upgraded plane ticket. We split the cost of a luxury hotel room. I bought myself little presents to commemorate my celebration of myself, I came home completely satisfied with the glorious sunshine, amazing sex, and a huge smile on myself.  On that island I had an epiphany.

Years ago, when I was married, my holidays were absolutely pathetic. I had to honor my abusive, toxic in-laws, listen to my slimy father-in-law’s critiques of anyone who did not blow smoke up his narcissitic ass, and my histrionic mother-in-law’s desperate attempts to drain energy out of as many family members as possible. When I was married holidays were a series of demeaning experiences that pushed my emotional buttons and drained me. In that moment I gave a genuine expression of gratitude to the universe for providing me with a Thanksgiving of pure joy, ecstasy and bliss. I finally honored myself.

Since I started to practice my own best version of the holidays, I noticed that my family has made a greater effort to honor me. Mom knows I hate giant meals and her heavy Eastern European dishes, so she makes me a few leaner dishes. Sis knows she won’t be seeing much of me If her husband is around, so she sends him to be with his own family. That’s much easier on all of us. And the tiny tot, whom I adore, knows that a scream does not get him my attention. Instead of four days with family, I give them 24 hours, and the rest is for me. 

This year, I might enjoy a few holiday parties, perhaps I’ll host one myself. Work doesn’t allow any pleasure trips, so my biggest splurge this year will be on myself- something gold and sparkly. 

If you would like to have more pleasant holidays, I urge you to invest some time in yourself. What would be the ideal way for you to honor yourself this year? How would Thanksgiving and Christmas be on your terms? Would you make the holidays about other people, or would you find a way to honor yourself? The key is to have an action plan, and a statement of your own truth so that you can inform others and lay your own ground rules.


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The Power of Emotional Triggers

Feelings are emotion. They are energy in motion. What you feel on the inside represents what is happening on the outside. If you feel uncomfortable with something, if it just doesn’t feel good, it is probably because on some level you already know there is something in this person or situation that isn’t right for you. Sometimes people send us a subtle signal without using words. Other times they give off a vibe that can’t quite be put into words, but the vibe feels wrong because in the past, a person just like that gave off that same vibe. That is our intuition warning us to pay attention.


I ignored my feelings and emotions for decades. I was taught they just aren’t accurate, that a feeling cannot be trusted, to use my brain, use my logic, look for physical evidence. I am probably one of the most logical people I know, I test very high on reasoning skills, so ignoring my intuition seemed easy and quite right for me. That was until I started to notice energy more, and understand how energy “talks”.


Getting in tune with energy came unexpectedly after I started to meditate on a regular basis. Without going into details, meditation taught me how to tune out of my immediate reality, cancel out the noise, and see what was previously unseen, feel what I thought was impossible, perceive with senses I never knew I had. The energy of others became more obvious, then readable, visible, knowable. When it was so obvious that energy “talks”, I noticed how people give off a perceptible vibe and how I can read this vibe to gather important information I had previously ignored.


It turned out that certain signals men gave off were my triggers to be instantly attracted to them but when I paid attention to the signal, I realized that the signal was exactly that characteristic that always caused me so much relationship pain. The relationships kept repeating in my life like patterns, and I wondered how come all men are the same, why am I repeating past hurts, will they ever end? I never realized that I was subconsciously attracted to men who give off signals of untrustworthiness, grandiosity, self-importance, machismo, disrespect, and selfishness- all those qualities we equate with narcissism.


We all meet people and process their signals. We ignore a lot of alarming signals that we should be paying attention to simply because we are not in tune with our feelings and emotions. Many of us come from cultures where we have been taught to suppress emotions entirely. But each signal is like a spark of recognition- I know you, I met a douche like you before, here’s another compulsive liar, etc. You just have to pay attention. No, you don’t have to be into energy, spirituality, nor meditate for years to understand your emotions. You just have to accept that your mind or your higher self will send you a signal when it recognizes a situation or a person who subtly gives off a vibe of something you experienced emotionally before.


Why was I so attracted to narcissists like a magnet? The first narcissist I knew, my dad imprinted me with the energies of instability, irrationality, unbalanced emotions, angry outbursts, unpredictability, emotional manipulation and rollercoasters, then each time I met a man who gave off one of these signals, I was attracted to him like a moth to a flame. I am sure that men are attracted to women who match the energy their mother imprinted them with.  Each time there was an emotional response from me to something he said inadvertently, the response felt like a butterfly in my stomach. Except behind the butterfly, there was a slight tightening in my heart, a twinge of pain I once felt before. Recognition.


When you ignore your emotions, you are ignoring that pinch that feels wrong, so you are ignoring a very important clue about this person. But what happens when you tune into that pain? If you are good at reading energy, it is like being able to see through a person in an instant. Imagine being able to see with your x-ray vision what the person is emitting from the inside. You can also read yourself, that pang of negative emotion and tune into that energy field as well. I do this better in a deep meditative state or even asleep. I read others and I read my responses as I relate to them.


I grew up with the knack to instantly see through people, see their motives before anyone else, feel the anger they feel, feel their pain, even understand the source of their pain was something they were actually not in touch with at all. I could see how a person uses his/her condition to extract compassion or caring from other people. I could see when someone’s physical pain was actually pointing to a life problem that seemingly had nothing to do with it. And I always ignored what I saw, I suppressed it so that I could get along, not expose them, give them a chance. I paid a heavy price for ignoring my own feelings and the alarm bells sent to me as warnings by my own brain.


We are all born with intuition and senses we have been ignoring since childhood. Textbooks say they do not exist, so we ignore them. But we can train ourselves to become better tuned into our own warning signals.


About ten years ago I met a guy at a party. At first, I wasn’t attracted to him at all. We later shook hands and in that instant, in his handshake I knew something wasn’t right. Yes, that handshake felt bad to me, but I didn’t know why. Later he texted me, and as we exchanged a few texts I remember wondering what exactly didn’t feel right. He was very handsome, clearly well educated, articulate, polished, well-mannered, respectful. From the outside it was easy to see his parents raised him right. But that handshake made me feel uneasy. I kept thinking about that handshake for days until I got in touch with exactly how it made me feel: manipulated. How? He didn’t actually do anything manipulative. What was it about that handshake that made me feel like he might be a controller?


I ignored this feeling. Eventually he started calling, we hit it off right away, he was a 100%-er in my book, and pretty soon we were in a relationship. Fast forward a year, we are planning to move in together in NYC. I love him, my parents think he is god, my friends are sure he is prince charming, and by every reasonable and logical measure, he ads up to a decent, stable, solid human being, marriage material. Except the thought of this move gives me a mild panic attack. No, it isn’t the logistics of moving, nor looking for a job in a new city. The idea of sharing space and responsibilities with him didn’t feel right. For some odd reason this apartment felt like an airtight bottle and as soon as I entered the door behind me would be permanently shut. I would wake up in the middle of the night in a panic, and he would tell me to see a doctor about those panic attacks. I paid no attention at all to the nightmare, nor the repeating feeling of suffocation, entrapment, no way out.


I tried backing out of the move, and that’s when things got really unpleasant. He never tried to get in touch with my feelings, nor understand my hesitance, instead he showed me a side of him I hadn’t seen before. Passive aggression, silent treatment, unexplained disappearances, suggestive posts on social media, not talking to me for days, an emotional roller coaster. Logically, I knew I was being emotionally manipulated, but intuitively I was being triggered by something new every day. He started creating little dramas, tests to see if I would get up and rush to see him, little emergencies, followed by long periods of ignoring me. This went on for months, and I was stuck in a daily stop and go- we are in a relationship, we are not in a relationship. We are moving in, we are not moving in. I love you, I hate you, I love you, I can’t live without you, I never want to see you again. Sounds familiar? Needless to say the relationship ended in disaster, and luckily we never saw each other again.


Years later I thought back to that handshake and realized that the uncomfortable, red flag feeling I got from the handshake, the sense that I was being manipulated, actually matched the feeling of the relationship itself. The entire relationship was about manipulation, and me freeing myself from it. But that’s not all.


ALL my relationships up to a certain point in my life were about me escaping from control and manipulation. The men were different, the situations were different, but they followed the same pattern. I was willfully ignorant of signals that all of these men were emitting because I didn’t believe in feelings and emotions as being important indicators.


What’s more, I realized that if a man did not emit any of those signals, I was not interested in him at all. No trigger, no attraction. How many healthy human beings did I ignore simply because they did not trigger me?  I couldn’t explain it, they were just not that attractive. Some of my craziest relationships were with monsters who triggered me the most. And some of the best men were the ones I perceived as useless, unattractive, and unmanly because they had no power to trigger me, so I kept walking.


This is laughable now. I look back at all the buttons emotional manipulators pushed, and I fell for them every time. I believed in those relationships because they felt familiar to me- like dad. Even though I always knew my dad was not healthy relationship material at all, his imprint was there the whole time. And I had to work on myself to erase that imprint.


So, how did I finally become a better perceiver of energy? I wrote about meditation many times, so I won’t repeat it here. You really don’t have to meditate, you just have to honor your feelings and accept that emotions are powerful indicators of what is standing right in front of us. For some intuitive people this comes naturally, but for others, who have been suppressing feelings all their life, we actually have to reconnect and relearn.  Pay attention to the physical sensations of each feeling in your body throughout the day and night. Don’t avoid that uncomfortable sensation, get in touch with it. Energy moves throughout the body, and in any given minute you might feel tension in your throat, belly, heart etc. You are being triggerd by what you see on TV, opinions of your friends, even advertisements.


But, energy also moves throughout your body as feelings and those energies get lodged in specific places in your body, to show you what aspect of you isn’t feeling right. If you learn how to mentally tune into each feeling of energy, you might notice with some practice that each energy field communicates with you and clearly describes the feeling that it emits.


I am also a better reader of other people now. If I can’t read a person, I know not to try to get to know him, instead, the fact that he is unreadable tells me that he is blocking his energy, or not wanting to be read. He is wearing a mask he doesn’t want me to look behind. I won’t, I keep walking. People who wear masks are not dating material anymore.


Today I trust my feelings more than I trust facts. We live in an age where we all can make up facts. We invent our entire personas just for Facebook. Sometimes I study people for days, months, sometimes it takes me a whole year. I am good at seeing through people whose outside does not match their inside, or people whose words do not match their energy. They are the easiest to spot, and I don’t engage them at all. I know I will piss them off because once I see his/her ugly insides, I will treat them as such, and neither of us will like the outcome of that interaction.


I am not a perfect reader. I still ignore some subtle cues, but when something isn’t right, I observe in a more detached way. I don’t jump into a relationship to engage this person, I pay attention from a distance.


I hear a lot of dating stories from both men and women. At that first meeting, a lot of subtle information is exchanged. When a relationship goes sour, I always ask what was it in that first meeting that alerted you to what this person would be like? Usually, it is that subtle cue we ignored that proves to be the indicator of exactly what this person ended up being.


If you find yourself constantly triggered by the same cues, you can deprogram yourself. The key to doing this is mapping out your triggers. List each trigger, like a white lie, then pay attention to how someone’s white lie feels to you in this moment. Find that energy in your body then get in touch with it. It will feel uncomfortable at first. Your mind might reject it and you may not be able to focus into it because it is uncomfortable. Ruminate on it anyway until you understand what this feeling means to you. When in your past, did you feel that feeling? You may recall a few similar situations or people whose white lies hurt you. Go back as far as you can remember to your childhood, and remember the very first time you felt this way. For me it was a white lie dad told each week, that he will be back right away, and then he wouldn’t be back for a whole week. Dad worked in another country, and he commuted by plane, not coming home for dinner until Friday. I knew it was a lie, I believed it anyway, it hurt just a little, but I loved dad very much.


Now, every time someone handsome tells a little white lie, there is a tiny reminder of my love for my dad, accompanied by a tiny twinge of discomfort. When I observe myself getting turned on by this, I know my brain is signaling recognition. No it is not love, no it is not healthy attraction, it is just my automatic response to a little white lie from someone undeniably handsome. Down girl.


Like I always say, knowledge is power, and self-knowledge is the most important superpower you can have. Know your triggers, your weakness, your attraction points, and know how bad it feels when you ignore them. Pain is the most powerful teacher, so why not learn from pain?


When you were a kid you put your tiny hand on the hot stove. It burned, you cried, but you never did that again. You got your finger stuck in the kitchen door, you screamed in agony, and you never stuck your finger where it doesn’t belong again. Each pain was an important life lesson. Where would you be as an adult if you kept forgetting not to rest your hand on the hot stove anymore? It sounds stupid, but here we are grown adults who fall for the hot stove every time and we call that love. When it burns every single day, we call that a relationship. And when the body gets used to the pain and is covered in deep scars, we call those scars proof of commitment.


Some people chase pain for a lifetime. Wouldn’t it do you good to get in touch with your feelings?



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Are You Getting Turned On?

Should I settle for the nice guy? Nah. He can wait. This is every woman’s dilemma, and that nice guy who’s a sure thing can wait anyway. Do I choose the guy who has strong interest in me, but I am not so attracted to, or do I go for the one I feel passionate about, but he is a bit risky because he has other options?


The nice guy may be a sure thing. You know he has no better place to go, and that’s a turn off. Some good guys are just needy and they give, give, give to twist your arm into giving them a chance. That’s not always attractive.


The risky guy can potentially hurt you. You may not have the passion or the stamina to go through the motions of this emotional roller-coaster. Yes, dating is supposed to be a thrill, we are supposed to enjoy the process, and sometimes the ride is as big of a turn on as the potential relationship. While we are all too smart to chase men, we have all been there, and know how tempting it is to want what you shouldn’t have. He is like a piece of cake, and you are circling that thing knowing you shouldn’t eat that. But good life is about pleasure, don’t you want to be tempted by something?


I am that girl who has never given the nice guy a chance. Why not? Because nothing happens until I am turned on. He could be a genius, a hero, a savior of the disenfranchised, an angel, or a tycoon, but unless I am feeling hot and bothered, it ain’t gonna happen. I have said no to good guys, millionaires, older guys, bald guys, short guys, fat guys, intellectuals, socialists, capitalists, douche-bags, macho men, “real men” and every single man I deemed as unsleepable. I have been heavily criticized, accused of being superficial, mean, “not a real woman” for refusing to consider men who I find unattractive. I won’t apologize for that. Dating isn’t charity, and it’s not about granting wishes to people who think they deserve you. Women don’t owe chances to men who don’t turn them on, so why this belief that every guy deserves a chance?


I am not a glutton for punishment. I choose men who can turn me on because I believe in my right to pleasere.  I encourage exploration, enjoyment and think all women should absolutely expect to be turned on. I think that many of us are confused between what we personally feel and need, and what society tells us is the proper thing to do. Hurry up, settle down, pick the nice guy, because he is secure and he’ll never leave you.  The same women wake up ten years later to realize they were never turned on, he doesn’t give orgasms, he doesn’t even think she need them.


I think all women have to enjoy love, sex and dating, and unless they have reached that point of pure ecstasy and fulfillment in dating, they are not emotionally nor spiritually ready for marriage. A woman who has avoided pain, risk, bad boys, sexual escapades, and heartache, is so sheltered that she is not in touch with her inner self, has not risen to Goddess status, and is not in full possession of herself, her emotions, her strength nor her power. She may be quite ready to settle down, but is approaching marriage from a place of fear, defeat, and lack of fulfillment. She is operating on an ego level, looking for men who can fill gaping holes of her personal needs, and not connecting on a deeper level at all. But then neither are the men whom she is a match to. They too are with a woman who is merely a filler for what is lacking in their manhood.


I wrote a blog post last week about The Higher Purpose of Relationships.  I believe that every relationship is a teacher, and that there is a spiritual purpose to the most difficult relationships. No, I in no way believe in tolerating toxic men, but our greatest lesson is in knowing how to overcome toxicity, learning how to make choices that are in our own highest interest, and walking away without looking back- the most powerful move any woman could make. How can a woman take possession of herself without mastering her own body?


And so, we all face that Nice Guy Dilemma. He is waiting, he is available, he brings flowers, you know he wants you, he’ll do anything to keep you, and every dating expert and your mother thinks you need to grow up, and give the sure thing a chance. They say you are crazy, and that science has proven that something is wrong with you if you consistently pursue challenges and pleasure, and keep walking away from all the easy men willing to commit.


But men have no respect for the easy girl who is a sure thing. In fact, they’ll often use her, and abuse her, take whatever she is willing to give until a real woman shows up. Then the sure thing is history. So why are we supposed to fall in love with men who are a sure thing? Why won’t we women take risks with our lovers? What are we afraid of? A broken heart? A few tears? Temporary agony? Most men scoff at the idea of taking the sure thing too seriously or committing to her. She isn’t worth it. So why are women being told that the committed guy is the only real man there is? Bullshit.


It is true, we are all turned on by different characteristics. But damn it, we should be getting turned on! If you aren’t glowing like a 10,000 watt generator, why is he still here? Why are we considering men who are just meh, okay, but committed?  Is the fact that he is committed to something more important than our commitment to our selves and our need of pleasure? Commitment is a trap. Women have been taught to chase commitment as if it is the ultimate sign of love, but to ignore their physical needs and pleasure because those things are somehow too superficial to pursue and enjoy. Life for committed women is not about enjoyment at all.


We live in an age when even real men can do very little for us.  I, and many other successful and secure women are perfectly okay with that. But, when there is very little a man can do to add value to our lives, why aren’t we asking for more enjoyment, more adventure, exceptional sex and pure ecstasy? This is what men are designed to do. This is something all men dream of doing very well. Why are we downplaying sex, adventure and personal enjoyment as if it isn’t really important, when in fact it is what exceptional living is all about? Many women have completely shut their sexuality down in order to snag a husband. They don’t even know that excellent sex is the most important aspect of our psychological and spiritual development, that without it we are not alive. Don’t tell me you are awake if you are not high on orgasms.


Personally, if a man can’t turn me on, there is nothing he can do for me. He can place a thousand gold bars in front of my feet, I will kick them over. I don’t need them. He can place a dozen impressive degrees on my desk. Sure, intelligence can be sexy, but educated men come in two packages: Hot and Not! Only one can make me smile.


Why are we so afraid to enjoy men? Sure, marriage minded people have other characteristics to evaluate. But exceptional sex, and being turned on should be at the top of all of our lists. They should never be just an afterthought.


Many years ago I met this really good guy who had a tiny dick. He was very nice, caring, giving, and he waited for me to come to my senses for two years. Handsome, smart, successful, offered me a McMansion if I would just take him seriously. I tried. I really tried. But I let him go. Did I miss the nice, needy, eagerness to please? Never. I wished him the best and hoped with all my heart that such a committed guy would find a more committed girl than me. He did. Was I jealous? Nope.


Choosing between the nice guy we all think we should accept, and the riskier guy who actually turns us on shouldn’t be so agonizing. One is like a luscious chocolate cake that we could savor, the other limp broccoli we push to the side of the plate. But there is a good explanation for why the nice guy doesn’t feel right. You are not turned on, and that is your sign that this isn’t going to satisfy you physically, emotionally, spiritually. He might fulfill your need for safety because he can’t leave you, but most of us have reached that level of personal development to expect much more out of life.


It is very rare for me to meet women who are very sexually satisfied. The few who are, have experienced a lot!  They found satisfaction by learning who they are, and that their personal needs are far more important that what society thinks, or what he thinks. Most women I know are torn between what they dream of and what they are told they should settle for. They are stuck between their inner wants and needs, and pursuing what society tells them is right. And by far, the vast majority of women approach relationships from a place of fear. For them risk is to be avoided at all costs. “Too much pleasure is unhealthy. Ignore your sexual appetites, but make sure you are able to satisfy his. Avoid the hot guy, but be hot for the guy who is interested. Avoid risky men, but risk everything for the guy who has an interest in you. Pleasure is not something you should crave, but when he craves pleasure, be an expert at satisfying him. Sexual escapades are demeaning for women, but when he has them congratulate him for being a man. And above all things, settle, settle, settle for the guy who is ready to commit”.  Sorry, but that’s not okay with me.


The nonsense most women are taught to believe about love, sex and dating is disturbing. A lot of women get into their forties and they still believe that orgasms are just a phantom of a Playboy Bunny’s imagination. “Oh, that’s not for me, I’m in a relationship with a “good guy”.  I’ll take the commitment over fantasy any day”. Wake up ladies, if you are not getting turned on, or being sexually satisfied you are wasting your life away.  You’ll be on anti-depressants halfway into your marriage, and it won’t be because you’re hormonal or depressed, it will be because you not having orgasms.


Sex is life’s ultimate pleasure, and unless you have mastered it and learned how to enjoy it and receive it, you have not awakened. Sex is a life force, as important as air, food and water, if you are not getting orgasms, you are dying inside.  You can settle down, and you can get an iron-clad commitment, but what are you living for? For your husband? For your kids? For the marriage?


I am not surprised to find out that most women I work with are faking orgasms. No they would never admit it openly. To fake an orgasm would be the ultimate fakery of womanhood and femininity, and they were taught that a real woman is supposed to be a screamer, theatrics and all. To admit they are faking would be to admit that this abrasive, unattractive, know-it-all they settled for is not doing it for them, there is no attraction at all, and then the relationship they are so deeply committed to would be a sham. He must feel he is a real man, and she must do whatever it takes to make him believe it.


If you are an enlightened man who believes in living fully, and you find yourself in a relationship, always ask yourself, what exactly is she committed to? Is she committed to commitment, or is she committed to her own life and pleasure? Is she having sex to please you, or does she know how to please herself? A Goddess is a woman who is totally self-aware, and she is committed to no one but herself. She will choose a man who trhills her physically, emotionally, spiritually, and that’s not necessarily the guy who who can buy her a rock.


But let’s not go there. Let’s look at what we all can do. If you want to have good sex, there are armies of soldiers out there willing to give it to you. You don’t have to choose just one. Choose ten if that is your pleasure.


Do they have to be good people, nice guys, committers? No, they just have to be good at one thing. You are not in a race to sign a contract in the shortest amount of time, you are free and you have all the time you want to explore. Out of ten, only one might do the trick. Enjoy it, but keep moving, there is greater pleasure to be had in Ibiza, the Riviera, or a beach in Bali. It’s true, not all men know how to give orgasms. Don’t despair, there’s an app for that. You have a passport, and great orgasms are worth flying to the moon for. If there’s hot stuff in Rio de Janiero who is willing and able to rock your world, then you should be holding a ticket to Rio in your hand.


But “I’m too old, I’m too fat, I’m tired, I really want a husband”.  He is too, that’s why he’s so eager to get married. Relax, you don’t have an expiration date, and you won’t become a spinster. A spinster is a married woman who has no orgasms. You won’t miss an opportunity. By now I have learned that no man is an opportunity, they just believe in their worth much more than you believe in your own. It doesn’t matter if you are fifty or sixty or if you don’t know what you are doing. There are seas of men out there who have never given a woman a real orgasm. Consider it a great service to humanity to educate them.


Women were born with the remarkable ability to have multiple orgasms. Does that mean that we should settle for just one, or a slight tingle? If a woman can have twelve orgasms in a night, and a man could have one, then how many men would it take to satisfy her? You get my drift. Don’t settle for one.


If you have recently divorced, get ready for an eye-opening experience. This is especially true if you have been under contract for decades. Yes, sex is much better outside of  marriage. Consider it an opportunity to make up for lost time, and live, truly live. Your goal in life should be pursuit of all things meaningful: sex, travel, liberation, affairs, happiness, ecstasy, men, lots and lots of men, but most importantly self-reliance, self-satisfaction, self-possession, self-confidence. The day you realize “I have mastered myself and I have mastered it all” is the day you wake up a Goddess.









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To All The #RealMen, Thank You!

I am always impressed by men who are interested in sitting down with women to have a two-way conversation about changing social constructs, gender roles, and female empowerment, to find a better way to relate to us. They are few, but these men are #RealMen. They can empathize with us. They may not always understand what we want, but are willing to listen. They are not perfect, but they are eager to step up and learn. They know that there is no war on men. Women are growing, stepping into their own power, taking charge of themselves, and these men are not threatened by it at all. They don’t react to our demands for equality, safety and respect with derogatory comments, private jokes, or bashing our experiences, they sit down, open their ears and listen. Some men actually are waking up.


Keep in mind that like women, men too have been conditioned by society, culture and religion, and they too have decades of social programming to unlearn. But, they are willing to engage in conversation to figure out what the humans of the opposite gender need in order to thrive. I see that we give these men very little credit. I see that they are the ones who are the most supportive of women’s empowerment, are the first to be ridiculed and bashed by males who are threatened by anyone who dares to feel equal. No wonder many sympathetic men are quiet. They see what we are going through, but every time they stand up for us, their masculinity is challenged and ridiculed by those who think that empowered women are the death of manhood. They understand that we have no interest in bringing manhood down, that men and women will always need each other, we are simply looking for a healthier partnership. Women don’t exist to serve manhood, or be subordinate to it. We are here to be human, equal, respected, and like all humans, we are here to enjoy life on our own terms, experience freedom, and create the best version of ourselves that we possibly can.


As a woman, I don’t want a man to permit me these things, I want to enjoy what is mine. I don’t want to depend on someone to dole out meager symbols of freedom, and equality when I can out-earn, outpace, and out-grow on my own merit. I am not looking to compete with men, I compete with myself. When I succeed, I don’t want to apologize for it.


Yes, there will be males whose roles are diminished when women take their power and when the open-minded men we deem as real benefit from partnerships with us. That is because their positions were based on our subordination. When we stand up and are their height, they can no longer feel superior. Their manhood was rooted in our passivity and submission all along. But there are #RealMen out there whose positions are not based on ego, but on their own healthy self-worth. They don’t mind us standing next to them and feeling equal. They are not threatened at all. They don’t want women to take a step back so they can be in the lead, they want an healthy, working, thriving partner.


Let’s thank the #RealMen out there. The ones who don’t need us to stay small. I know a few awesome men who have done their parts.  Some have marched for us, some have stood up for us, some encourage us, and many are speaking up despite the attacks on their own manhood. Today, let’s find the awesome men, and directly say thank you.


This is really important for women to do. This movement is not just about us.  Opponents of women’s equality are counting on our fear that once we step into our power, there will be no men willing to engage us, that if we take charge of ourselves we will obliterate institutions like marriage, kill femininity, hurt children, destroy family life. No, in fact once we are thriving in our own success and competence, we will be better partners, mothers, executives, and leaders.


We have to be willing to engage those men who are striving to understand us and work with us as equals. They possess the level-headedness, empathy and humanity to partner in this movement. These are the men who should be engaged in a two-way conversation. The others, who are threatened by us, cannot be counted on to act in our best interest, only their own.


As the owner of this blog, I receive e-mail from amazing men all the time. In fact, when I first started making these posts, my readers were mostly men. I was writing about subjects that very few women could agree with, and when they could agree, they spoke from a place of self-defeat, as if full empowerment and self-possession would never be possible. It was the men who kept encouraging me to find my voice, to keep writing, to stand my ground and not tone down my words. I had to be heard despite the fact that my views lost me many friends, and personal relationships.  I am glad I had their encouragement, and thanks to them I kept speaking anyway.


We all are surrounded by amazing men. Contrary to what the media says, we do have strong, confident, supportive partners. In what the media refers to the war on manhood, they have not backed down in their support of us. Instead of screaming at the toxic males who won’t listen, let us thank, and engage the real men who do. It is the men who are willing too listen, who make the best partners in business, marriage, parenthood, or life.


So, to all the men who supported this blog from it’s first post, Thank You. To all the men who encouraged me to talk about hard subjects that weren’t always easy to address, Thank You. To all my male friends who are not threatened by women in power, Thank You. To the ones who stood up for us with the #metoo movement and believe us, Thank You. To the ones who believe in our choices, voices, and power, Thank You. To the men who freely and unapologetically speak up in our support via social media, in the workplace, or via their own blogs Thank You. To the ones who are often accused of not being real men because you refuse to dominate, have more liberal views about gender, who are shedding your own social programming, please know that you are #RealMen and we will always appreciate you. Let’s talk.



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The Higher Purpose Of This Relationship

Why are we in this relationship?  Have you ever met someone really nice who qualifies on all levels, yet you already know before he/she utters ‘I like you’, this one is friend material? This person is perfect, but not for me. Sometimes we meet the most wonderful, shiniest, most spotless specimen of humanity, and we set him aside ‘Nah, I don’t need that’. Friend zoned. Automatically.


I’ll start by saying that I don’t believe in giving people chances, not even those nice guys in your friend zone. They are in that zone for a very good reason. They are either unsleepable or we can’t learn anything from them. They may be good people, even beyond our wildest expectations, but we don’t need them.


My theory is that the reason we sometimes put people automatically in the friend zone is because we don’t need them on our path toward personal growth and evolution. I have been accused plenty of times of not giving the nice guy a chance, but being attracted to a moron instead. It’s true, I openly admit it. In my previous post I wrote about my history of dating monsters and the valuable lessons I learned from each. I wasn’t a glutton for punishment, I wasn’t sadistically craving mistreatment, I was on a path to becoming ME, and had to get in touch with every single aspect of me, especially those darkest shadows I’d never show to the world. Who was capable of showing me that deepest, darkest, most vulnerable me, that deeply flawed, self-hating, perpetually failing at life me? The nice guy? No. He could never have taught me that.


Experts claim that some women are conditioned to be attracted to abusers. I can give them that. What no one thought is that there are a lot of self-possessed, free, vulnerable women out there who crave life, self-discovery, experience, rawness, and are deeply committed to discovering themselves. Humans cringe at the thought of getting in touch with their dark side, it is to be avoided at all costs. But light cannot exist without darkness, and to know ourselves means owning both.


This may be a hard pill to swallow by the establishment, but not all women are looking to marry, have babies, settle down, and coddle men. Some of us think, feel, crave freedom, exploration, sex, novelty, not because these experiences will lead us to settling down, but because they won’t. Settling is death, and some of us came here to live.


What was I looking for in relationships for all these years? As humans grow we need different things from different people. It is small-minded to think that one person can satisfy all our needs. At various stages of life I needed different lessons. Each lesson was about myself, and I had to learn it all. In my younger years I had to discover different types of manhood. Some suited me, most didn’t. I had to accept, reject, overcome, defeat, abuse, adore all different kinds of men to find out what manhood really is. I learned that above all, a man must be human, humane and humble to be anything at all.


I learned my toughest lessons from the worst men. My father was one of the most insecure, narcissistic, egotistical, assholes I ever met in my life. Who would I be had I not learned how to make him cry by the time I turned fourteen. The day I realized how small this big-mouth really was, I learned that when it comes to men, I have nothing to fear. He was my first teacher.


Later, when I realized I was getting into repeated patterns with narcissists, I had to discover what is it about me that was available to them? That aspect of me had to change, so one lesson, after another, and then another. I was black and blue, crawling on my hands an knees begging for mercy. Could that nice guy with a halo over his head have taught me how to outmaneuver a narcissist every time? Nope, he had no chance.


It wasn’t enough to know how to spot and avoid narcs, I had to learn how to bring one to his knees, make him run for his life when he sees me. I succeeded during my stint on Wall Street, where I worked with the most bloated bunch of male egos. These Neanderthals were so puffed up on their own gas, grunting and thumping themselves on the chest every time they got a whiff of a female walking by. The younger ones were harmless, too busy putting in the hours to notice me panic every time one of the older starving males wanted to see if I would acknowledge his manhood. Sorry grandpa, I don’t think much of your manhood at all. I can’t tell you how many times I almost got fired because I refused to stroke his ego. I could have worked with so many tame guys, the respectful ones, the upstanding humans. But what would I have learned about myself?


The best lesson I learned is where is the seat of my power. Who am I, what are my most significant qualities?  I learned that my ability to put up a good fight was not a weakness that I should hide, it was something for me to use to my best advantage. I learned that my willingness to unmask a narcissist, is that which narcissists fear most. They know I will do it, they no longer come near me. I learned that a nice, educated, classy girl from a good family won’t get far in life if she bows down to manhood. By not being afraid to piss men off, say exactly what I think, and not back down, I learned how to command respect. I had no interest in being a nice guy’s wife, I had an interest in experiencing me.


I know so many wonderful men who any woman would be proud to date. I fix them up with quality women, but I only dated a few. A psychologist might conclude that something must be wrong with me to pass up so many opportunities for love, marriage and relationships. Every woman dreams of getting married, right? I dream of so much more.


Love is easy. I know how to love. While most humans have had only the kind of love they miserly allowed themselves to experience, I experienced it all in the raw.  Nice guys love gently. They back down to easily. They don’t put up much of a fight. They call their mom, and their mom tells them what a man they are. It’s true, most of them really are good. Some day I will need that.


I am sure that a lot of men experience the same. Why settle down when life keeps giving me more, and more, and more? Why settle down, when I can still climb higher? Why settle for the good girl, when the bad girl has so much more to teach me? There are no bad girls or bad guys, there are just teachers. We all need them.


While experts claim that a lot of women’s dating instincts point to deep, emotional flaws, I insist that our instincts are just right. Some of us are starving for life and starving to find ourselves. We won’t be satisfied with domesticity, motherhood or matrimony, we want to discover our passions, develop our inner selves, build empires, achieve balance, and we aren’t terrified of being lonely. We never are.


So, in relationships we don’t seek what is stable, what is safe, what is everlasting. People who crave life seek the opposite. We are not empty thrill-seekers looking for fulfillment outside ourselves, blame that on the people who need a spouse. We are whole, we are giving, we are too alive to succumb to tradition. We are looking to grow, experience, experiment, change ourselves over and over again, and keep reinventing ourselves until there is nothing more to learn.


When I am tired and exhausted from learning, I might settle down with a nice guy. I have been in a couple of relationships with angels, and sometimes I wish for a warm, loving, kind, affectionate, uncomplicated human. For now they are all in my friend zone. If they get taken by better women, I’ll love them anyway. But they are not for me now.








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Monsters Laying At My Feet

MONSTERS.  We have all dated one, two, or if you’re a slow learner like me, a few 🙂 I used to ask myself, what is wrong with me if I am always attracting the crazy ones? Am I crazy?  The short answer is yes, I was. As difficult as it was to admit at the time, the men I dated were simply a reflection of my own level of emotional development, my own level of self-respect, my own level of understanding of what a good human and a healthy relationship were, my own level of consciousness.


As most of my readers know, my dating experiences were an open project in self-discovery, exploration, figuring out my limits, crashing, growing, and rising. I really was willing to experience it all in order to figure out how low will I stoop, and how high can I rise from this. Though the process was painful, sometimes even degrading, it also came with a lot of international adventures, sexual escapades most women dream of, and a lifetime of experiences I’ll take to my grave with a smile.


Then came a tipping point in my life, when I stopped attracting the monsters. Now, I scare them J  It was the point where I developed an understanding of who I am, why I repeat certain emotional programs and behaviors, what I am programmed to react to, how and why those patterns were formed, and the realization that I no longer need them. Once the lessons were learned, the realizations alone were enough to help me clear the programming and move on.


But, could I have resolved these issues without the monsters in my life? No way. Had I been dating angels, I never would have known my own emotional triggers, how easily I could be manipulated, why manipulation and control are a sickness, how to recognize them, how to avoid men who are sick. All those lessons came through experience. I always say that experience is the best teacher, and that women who are totally free of social and cultural programming, are very experienced at love and life. They are no longer affected, they no longer take the bait, they no longer confuse toxicity and codependence with relationships nor love, and once liberated from social constructs are free to create love in ways that suit them.


You can’t learn these lessons from a book.  Your well-meaning parents can’t teach you how to battle the monsters or win. And pop-psychology, modern-day dating manuals and media feed women a lot of bullshit about their emotional limitations and handicaps, then spoon-feed them techniques about how to attract those very monsters we are trying to free ourselves from. Life’s greatest lessons have to be learned on our own through failure, self-knowledge, and the only way to sharpen those skills is practice, practice, practice. Don’t protect yourself from experience, embrace it and live it.


Talking to some of the most free-thinking, independent and knowledgeable Goddesses I know, I see that they all have a closet-full of monsters. It is how they sharpened their skills and brought them to their knees. The monsters now sit obediently at their feet. These women were not afraid to learn, no matter how excruciating the lessons.


It is true, I no longer play with monsters. They bore me to tears.  I learned that monsters are the most insecure people in the world. When the most self-doubting, self-loathing men are looking for love, they aren’t actually looking to relate to a healthy person who  expects an equal energetic exchange, and has clearly defined boundaries. What they are looking for is someone to reflect to them that fictitious person they pretend to be. A healthy woman will hold up a mirror, and expose the insecurity right away. She won’t validate his false self, in fact she will expose it.


A narcissist or the glass man can’t stand that true version of himself so he retaliates with insults, rejection, anger, emotional outbursts and runs. But when he meets a woman who is willing to prop him up by reflecting back the false mask he wishes the world would see, he is immediately attracted. He might hide his level of need for her, because he knows how badly he is starving for the validation only a blind woman could give him. A monster cannot relate, so he is unable to earn any praise or admiration from her. He must extract it from her, ensure a continuous supply of validation, condition her with rewards for the kind of attention he craves, punish her for any violation of challenge to his ego,  hence the manipulation and control. For him its an act of extreme desperation to hang onto the woman who reflects back his false self, for her its an addiction to the tiny morsels of affection or attention she earns for holding up his mask.


What I learned from all this is that there isn’t just one monster in this equation. There are two. It would be narcissistic of me to think that I wasn’t complicit in these mind-games. I wasn’t an innocent victim, but always an eager participant, knee-deep in the toxic pool of negative emotions.


The only way out of this unhealthy pattern of toxic relationships is to recognize our role in this. We aren’t victims of monsters and we aren’t entirely innocent. We are their food, we are their sustenance, we give meaning to their empty lives. We bolster their confidence by sweeping their deep emotional insecurities under the rug, so the world could see and so that they can believe in their own false self. We are their security, and we must provide the constant supply of ego, because they know that without the validation we provide, they are totally exposed.


At a certain point in my life I realized how badly the monsters need me. I used to believe that I was powerless against them, always flailing and struggling to regain my footing. I used to run as far as me feet would carry me, because I had no clue how to fight them off. A man starving for his false ego will do anything, give anything, say anything, in order to secure his narcissistic supply.  Unfortunately a lot of women are taught to believe that when a man is willing to give anything he is truly in love.


A healthy man wouldn’t trade self-respect for love.  I found my power in the realization that it is he who is starving and that it is I who choose whether or not to feed him. I stopped feeding the monsters. I carry no special treats in my pockets that they can smell from across a crowded room.


Monsters don’t enter a room looking for a healthy soul to relate to, they enter a room looking for food. Who is their food? To a monster, the woman who responds to his false self is the only “real woman” there is. He will always select the one who treats him like a real man, responds to subtle queues of his grandiosity, responds positively and with interest to material offers, drinks, vacations, and invitations where he can display his manhood, and who eats up his false stories about his successes, accomplishments and grandstanding.


What kind of women do monsters run away from? The ones who don’t acknowledge them, the ones who cannot be engaged, the ones who won’t feed them with admiration, the ones who question their reality, their fantastical claims, their false self. Monsters don’t stand up well to questioning. In fact they will not be challenged. They are desperate to avoid any situations where their false mask could fall off, their desperation revealed. Monsters always have to be perceived as in charge, on top, having an advantage, they cannot tolerate standing next to an equal. They are friends with followers, admirers, people who are easily impressed. Pretty much anyone who buys into their delusion can be their friend, anyone who challenges it is quickly deleted.


With a little experience, monsters are easy to expose. Treat them like the insecure little weasels that they are, and they’ll run and hide. Their emotional wounds will be all your fault, they might even rally their followers against you. Don’t be afraid. Your goal isn’t to win back the approval of his followers, the goal is to free yourself from the monster. The only food the monster needs is your approval, your attention, your support, your validation. Cut that off, and they’ll find it elsewhere.


Every experienced woman has monsters in her closet. Don’t be ashamed of them, be proud. After all you beat them, exposed them, cut them down to size. Your experience expanded your consciousness, and helped you discover yourself. Without those monsters you wouldn’t be as fierce as you are now.


Remember, naive girls play with monsters. Mortal women run away from them. Goddesses keep them laying at their feet.







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