How To Kill Jealousy

Here is a question for you to consider: Is it possible to be jealous if you are utterly in love with yourself? If you are in love with every aspect of you, then anything out there that could be making you feel jealous must be less important, or less than you.

 

What is jealousy?  It is a want, a need, a feeling of unfairness toward a person who has something or who has accomplished something that you want. It is an awareness that they are in possession of what you lack. Think of jealousy as a scale of underappreciation of yourself compared to your appreciation of what someone else has.

 

Your friend has the car, the house, the money and that gorgeous man. Healthy people can appreciate the possessions of others, congratulate them on their accomplishments, and honestly wish them the best outcome. That is because healthy people are always confident in themselves, content and appreciative of what they have, and in love with their own choices, their own timing, their own path.  When we are in love with ourselves and our own life, we can then be happy for people who have achieved everything they desire. Our self-appreciation allows us to be happy for them, even though that big pile of money is theirs and not ours. Healthy people do not covet what others have got, nor do they feel any resentment toward anything that is outside themselves.

 

Healthy people know how to focus inward, appreciate the self to such an extent that anything that is happening outside themselves does not compare to the state within. We are okay, even when someone else seems more okay than us.

 

So what is jealousy? It is an indicator of discontent with the self. It is the appreciation of everything that is outside the self, and the realization that the self is not enough. In a state of jealousy, the scale is tipped in the favor of the other person, and we remain in the state of awareness that we are less. It is an ugly feeling, a negative energy that seems to possess the being, and is almost impossible to hide. If it is allowed to fester, it will consume the entire being. Have you ever met a person who is totally silent, but green with envy? Without a single word uttered, we smell the resentment oozing out of their pores.

 

In general, jealousy is a sign of weakness, a lack of emotional-development, an insecurity, but at times we have all felt it. Jealousy is also a weapon that insecure people wield to push our emotional buttons to incite a response. It makes the weak feel powerful when they can create an uglier response from us than they currently feel within themselves. An insecure person may feel like crap about themselves, so they are hell-bent on making you feel like a pile of diarrhea. Why give them the desired response?

 

The way to overcome jealousy in any situation is to feel in love with yourself, with whatever you’ve got, with all your choices, even if you have less than your neighbor. That practice has to become a permanent part of your existence. Only when you are absolutely appreciative of every ounce of your being, can you be thrilled for others when they accomplish something you haven’t.

 

I am usually in a permanent state of appreciation for what others have. I have graduated from solely appreciating myself and all my flaws, to now being genuinely thrilled when a friend receives ten times more. I can also encourage friends to try harder, give them more heartfelt advice, because their accomplishments do not dwarf mine.

 

I no longer feel like I have to do anything in order to feel good about myself. In fact, I am now happy with less. Before, I used to strive to achieve, now I can rest. I can give myself a break, because if I earn less this year, I am still very much in appreciation of whatever I’ve got.

 

This skill of self-appreciation comes in very handy when dealing with toxic people. A few years ago, I broke up with a guy, who didn’t take it so well. I had legitimate reasons for the breakup, and tried to do it thoughtfully and kindly. Nevertheless, he exploded in rage, screamed obscenities and swore immediate revenge. He was going to make me sorry.

 

That same night I went to the neighborhood bar to get a drink. The bar was my usual hangout, so he knew I would be there. Mere hours after our breakup, he walked into the bar with another woman. He made sure I notice them. He walked up to me, introduced her as his girlfriend, made sure to seat her right next to me, and they both stayed by my side the entire night gloating about how happy they were. Sure, it was a cheap shot, no one could be more insecure than that ex. But, I think I took it very well.

 

You see, I really like myself very much. I am not exaggerating, I truly have genuine feelings for myself. Even when life isn’t giving me what I want, I can still be in love with life, in love with myself, and be fully confident that the scale is tipped in my favor. So, when he approached me at the bar, he was staring at my face searching for pain. No such thing happened.

 

I never fake my emotions. Most of my friends know that they are always getting the uncensored me, regardless of whether it is appropriate. So, as he approached me with another woman, I turned to them and smiled. I opened my heart chakra, I gave them both a hug and said how happy I am for them. Then I bought them a round of drinks. But that’s not all, I stayed there talking to her for hours, as I truly thought she was a special person. There wasn’t an ounce of jealousy or regret to be felt in my body, because I was totally aware that their 2+2 was still less than my 5. Together, they still didn’t add up to me.

 

That situation taught me a lot about myself, and I am proud of how I handled it. But it also showed me the person I had broken up with. This man I suspected of being too insecure for an adult relationship proved to be so much smaller than I realized before. I was grateful to see this behavior, because his smallness made recovery from the breakup a breeze. He proved to me in 15 minutes that my decision to leave him was right. And I felt very empowered by that breakup ever since. The fifteen minutes of pain he tried to inflict upon me, turned into three years of me feeling like a super-hero. It was totally worth it.

 

But this momentary strength would have never manifested had I not been self-aware from the beginning of that relationship. Being in a constant state of self-appreciation allows me to always be in a more stable position than anyone else.  When life throws insecure people in my path who are determined take me down I rarely flinch. I can remain composed in tough situations because my focus is on me, not on what they are doing. Their anger, their rage, their jealousy is always theirs, and remains at the opposite end of the spectrum of how I feel about myself.  Others don’t have the power to move me.

 

If jealousy and insecurity are destroying your relationships, regardless of who is doing what to whom, it is still only your responsibility to improve yourself. If you get jealous easily, your life and the results of all your efforts will be affected. And if other people inflict jealousy on you, you are still the one to get hurt. It makes sense to work on yourself because self-love will only lead to a better life.

 

Today, I appreciate myself much more than anyone else. I love everyone in my life, and show it easily. My heart is always open, because I no longer fear what others can do to me. What they do is a reflection of who they are on the inside, it has nothing to do with me.

 

I feel so strongly about myself that I am now aware of what other people bring to the table. I compare their level of openness, their genuineness, their perception of themselves to how I feel with them and without them. I leave dysfunctional relationships sooner, because my inner world is always richer than the disfunction they bring to my doorstep. Self-appreciation has allowed me to be more discerning, so I simply flow away from whatever or whoever does not appreciate me as much as I appreciate myself.

 

I see that the exercise of self-appreciation has noticeable effects in only fifteen minutes. Choose something you feel jealous or insecure about. It can be a person, an object, or an achievement. Allow yourself to feel the jealousy, let it fester for a bit, then get in touch with that energy. Do you notice that the rage is yours, and that the other person feels no effects of your emotions? Do you notice that the feeling of jealousy is just you feeling less than the other? That feeling was created by you, not him or her. The other person has nothing to do with it. Understanding that jealousy is just your mind’s and body’s response to how you feel about yourself in any situation, allows you to control the rage. All you have to do is feel better about who you are.

 

Now, I am not talking about pumping yourself up on ego, narcissism, or creating a false self. We all know when someone has created a false persona and is demanding that others pander to his delusions. I am talking about investing in yourself, whether through self-help, introspection, or therapy, and embarking on a long process of shifting your attention inward. This process is a lot of work, but it is definitely worth it. Study yourself and all your weaknesses. Become okay with them. Forgive yourself for not accomplishing everything you wanted- it really isn’t necessary to achieve true happiness. Fall in love with your body, your mind, your life and all the obstacles you encounter. Treat yourself very well. Always put your needs above others’ and honor them, do not apologize for them. Find bliss and happiness in the little that you’ve got. You will see that very that object or person that was making you jealous seems like a lesser threat right now. He or she was just a blow to your ego, and with a lot of self-love an appreciation, your ego won’t crack so easily. The real you will emerge and you won’t try to hide it any more. You will become okay with everything exactly as it is, and your state of being will always remain unaffected by what others have or do. Fall in love with you.

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Find Your Path And Stay On It

Are you on your path? How would you know? A lot of my friends are seekers, explorers, inquisitive about the nature of their reality. Most people intuitively know that there’s more to reality than this. And in their process of discovery, they sometimes get turned around, get off their path, not knowing that they were on it all along. It is easy to get lost and get disoriented. After all, some of us get on the right course blindly, simply by following an inner guidance system we aren’t completely aware of.

 

When we follow that inner voice, that gut feeling, that moment of true inspiration we stand firmly on our path. You have heard the expression “Follow your bliss”. What does that truly mean? Some people follow their bliss, while others demand that bliss follows them. Bliss is not that idea, action, or item that you believe will put you in a state of bliss. Let’s say that you assume that quitting your job, and spending the next few years roaming the globe will put you in a state of bliss, you are wrong. You will quickly discover that being jobless, and without a source of income in this big crazy world can be daunting. Sure, that’s how some people discover themselves. That is exactly how Buddha discovered his self. But Buddha did not set out to follow an idea, nor an experience, instead he started walking, discovering and accepting whatever came his way, hunger, starvation, exposure to harsh elements. Most people who are faced with hose conditions would become miserable.

 

Following your bliss means following your higher self. We have all been high. Regardless of how we induce that state, the state is a connection to an energy that aligns us with out true selves, and essentially places us in a state of openness, trust that whatever we are open to is in our highest good, a state of allowing and flow. If you can train yourself into that state and recall it on demand through meditation, you are what Buddha called God. That is the God-state.

 

Most people who don’t meditate, and don’t use illegal substances, sometimes get into that state accidentally. You hear your favorite song, you light up, you let loose, start moving, start dancing and for a few minutes, as long as the song lasts, you feel free, you flow. And then the song ends, and your connection with the flow of that energy gets cut off. Or you are jumping on a trampoline, allow yourself to jump higher, and higher, allow yourself to fall freely, and in that freefall you connect with that energy that flows. Naturally you feel high when you allow yourself to enjoy the trampoline, or a fast car, an amazing song, or a spectacular sunrise.

 

What is actually happening in that high state is that you are totally connected to your higher self, the You that is the true you. That version of you that is completely unedited, unembellished, free and fearless, not wearing a false mask. When you operate from that higher state that is when your feet are planted firmly on your path. This is where you have utmost confidence that there is nothing to seek, it feels right, you know it is right, and every decision you make, every word you utter in this state is your absolute truth.

 

Naturally, no one stays in this state forever, so don’t beat yourself up for coming back down to earth. It is a law of nature that what goes up must come down. Tides ebb and flow. The earth tilts so the seasons can change. Existence is a constant state of change and flow, so you must change and flow with it.  Both mental states, connection with the self (high), and lack of connection (low) are natural. Notice how your mind, and your decision making abilities change in each state. In a high, connected state, you to operate on a higher level. Each word you utter reflects the true you, it feels good, it feels right, you might even achieve resonance because it reflects who you actually are.  This is what it means to follow one’s bliss- you are operating from a state of bliss in your highest interest. Decisions made here feel like inspiration and making those decisions feels like being propelled forward. Making a decision from the state of bliss is that decision that is on your course, a decision that allows you to stay on your path.

 

Unlike the person who quit her job to travel the world thinking she will find her bliss somewhere out there, you made the decision from within you. First you entered that state all by yourself, then you allowed your higher self to show you what decision will bring you more bliss, and then you got inspired to move in that direction. Do you see how the two decisions are very different and will have very different results in reality?

 

How does the opposite mental state feel? Choosing what course to take, when operating from that low mind state, feels like a painful decision. It feels hard because you might be choosing something that is opposite of what is truly in your highest good, perhaps it is in someone else’s best interest. It feels like a duty to something or someone outside your self. It feels like an obligation, a chain, a mental prison. Regardless, that feeling is that sign on the road that tells you that you are going the wrong way.

 

Years ago I was in a relationship with an amazing man. As always, I spoke my truth and informed him up front that I never want to have children and that marriage is something that I am not so sure about. He said he was okay with that, and was willing to see what happens. A year into the relationship he started hinting about marriage. How did his hints feel to me? Like a kick in the gut. The more he kept bringing up the subject, the tighter the knots in my belly felt. The more I thought about what he wants, the harder it was for me to get into that high mental state I so easily get myself into. Even meditation was kicking me out of my own mind. It felt like I was going to have to make a hard decision, and I kept avoiding this conversation for months. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I didn’t want to break up, but every time I thought about where he was heading I felt paralysis.

 

Then finally one day he said that he was ready to buy house, invest in our future and make a big move. When I asked why he wanted to buy the big house, he said that naturally there will be children. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Didn’t he know I don’t want kids? How did we get down this path when I told him many times this is not something I want? How is it possible for me to be standing on this road with him, when this is the absolute opposite situation I want to be in? The reason this felt awful for me is because I was not standing on my own path, I was standing on his. I was going along with something that didn’t feel quite right from the start. I knew in the back of my mind that he had an agenda that was different from mine, but his words reassured me that I must be imagining something. My intuition was telling me all along that I am going down the wrong, very wrong path with this person. I had a harder time connecting to myself, getting into that high state, meditation was becoming more challenging, and just going with the flow of his relationship didn’t feel right. I was making one wrong decision after another, allowing him to lead me to what was right for him. I found myself standing at the edge of a cliff. On one hand I really loved and cared for this person, on the other hand what he was asking for felt like death to me. I knew that if I went through with this I would die inside.

 

All humans get off their path, and we do it frequently. The purpose of life is to get lost, disoriented, so that we can learn how to re-connect with our higher self, and allow it to guide us towards the life we always wanted to create. Obstacles and problems are just signs on our road. I now know that the decisions I make in that high mental state are in my own best interest, not in someone else’s. The words I speak from that state are my ultimate truth. Sometimes my words resonate with other people who are usually right for me in some capacity, and they are offputting to others who are not in my energetic vicinity. I have learned to distinguish between people who operate from a high state of inspiration and those who operate from a low state of control, neediness, lack of center or validation. I no longer try to create relationships with people who are on another plane. I don’t judge them, I simply do not connect.

 

Once you are off course, it may be tricky to get back on. We all have an inner GPS system that is constantly calling us towards our own path. Sometimes, when we are not feeling so good, are going through a rough time, or even anxious or depressed, our ability to hear it’s guidance is numbed. It’s signals shoot through a much higher frequency than a sad or depressed person is operating from.

 

The best way to reconnect with the self is to be alone for an extended period of time. You might be tempted to seek advice from outside yourself, but that will only lead you to someone else’s path. Be alone. The most powerful people on earth are perfectly comfortable with their self.  In silence, when we are free from other people’s input we receive brief moments of clarity.  What do I truly want to say? How do I actually feel? If I speak words that soothe others, what I truly feel is rage inside. You realize that you are doing it to yourself, you are depressing yourself- no one else is doing it for you. Your inner self knows how it feels, but your logical self edits those feelings and arranges it into words that are easier for others to swallow.  I just uttered something that isn’t entirely true to me, but is the more appropriate thing to say. How does that feel? Do you feel the wrongness in that energy? You are lying to your self, you are beating your inner truth out of your self, then you are wondering who is this self that I am trying to get in touch with?

 

I was recently chatting with a friend whose admirer was twisting her arm into going on a date and possibly hooking up with her later. She did not feel good about this. She wasn’t attracted to him at all. The harder he tried to make plans, the worse she felt. She started avoiding him, then cancelled plans, then told him a white lie, and then started to consider how to spin the truth of how she actually feels into words that are going to be acceptable for him to hear. Meanwhile her body was talking to her by showing her exactly what she was doing wrong. On Thursday her throat was a bid coarse, by Friday she had a tight lump in her throat. The longer she considered how to craft an appropriate message for him, the tighter her throat felt. Meanwhile, there was no sign of illness, just a tight lump. That is her throat chakra signaling her that she is not speaking her truth. In reality, she as quite upset by his advances. He is a close friend of a guy she previously dated and she felt dismayed that he would be twisting her arm into spending the weekend with him despite the fact that she is his best friend’s ex. So much about their interaction felt wrong to her, but she was trying to be nice, be polite, and the nicer she was the more he sought to have his way, which was definitely not in her best interest.  When we are not listening to our GPS, the body will scream that there is something wrong. The more you keep ignoring it, the more painful and obvious the signal is.

 

In order to correct our course, we have to reconnect with our inner truth. We have to honor how we truly feel in a situation, and use our words to correctly describe that feeling. Sit in that bad feeling and allow it. Your body is talking to you through that energy, so pay attention to it. Take a pen and paper and start writing words that describe that tightness in the pit of your stomach. Does it feel gross, does it feel like fear, does it feel like control and manipulation, or does it feel like anger rage, imprisonment? That feeling and those words are the true nature of the situation. Those are your true feelings on the subject.

 

Write a letter and address it to the person whose behavior matches how you feel. You don’t actually have to mail it, but you have to write it. Get in touch with how you truly feel about him, her or the situation, and only write the truth and nothing but the truth. Resist the temptation to “reinterpret” your feelings, embellish words, or write what that person wants to hear. You are honoring your feelings here, not theirs. Write as long as you have to. Write for an hour or two, keep writing throughout the day, purge all your feelings onto that paper. If you have to cry, let it out. If you have to release more emotions, keep writing well into the night. Write as long as that feeling in the pit of your stomach or that lump in your throat hurts.  The goal is to first get in touch with your true feelings, expel them, then direct them in the appropriate direction.

 

Is there someone in your life to whom you have never been able to accurately convey how you truly feel? Regardless of whether they are open to listening, whether they are willing to accept your truth, you are responsible only for your part- to get those pent up feelings out of your gut, and either symbolically release them, or deliver them to the person (if you feel they can appropriately deal with them).  Often people don’t want your true feelings. Understand, that is their right. My father never wanted my feelings, he only wanted me to honor him with actions and behavior that supported how he wanted to feel about himself. My mother will only listen when my words make her feel coddled. That is fine. Allow people to accept or reject your feelings. After all, your feelings are not theirs.

 

If you are in a solid relationship with a person who actually wants to know how you feel, and is interested in your truth, it is a good idea to share those feelings accurately and without embellishment. Explaining to my ex that I felt cheated and deceived by his leading me down a path he knew I didn’t want to go would have been very helpful to him, but more helpful to me. Speaking that truth would have released me from the agony of deceit I kept feeling for years and bringing into every future relationship with me.

 

Once the letter is written, and your truth is spoken, pay attention to how you feel now both physically and mentally. Does your body feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off it’s shoulders? Does your mind feel clearer or lighter? That lightness of energy is your GPS slowly guiding you back onto your course. You can burn the letter forever releasing that energy from your awareness, or you can use it as an outline of the exact words you must convey to the person you have to speak to. You may not want to mail a 10 pager to a person who might be overwhelmed by your emotions, but you can condense it into a one page letter that accurately reflects how you truly feel. If the person is willing to deal with your feelings, send the letter. You must honor people’s choice and unwillingness to process your feelings, never force your feelings on others.

 

The act of writing the letter helps you get in touch with your truth, so it serves your own higher purpose. It cleanses you of energies that you don’t want to carry. You cannot expect others to want to carry your negative feelings for you. If they don’t want it, don’t give it to them.

 

You will notice how speaking your truth re-connects you to your higher self. You will also notice how your body and mind feel once the truth has set you free. You actually will feel free, and will easily flow back towards your center or your path. Your path is nothing more than an energetic connection to your inner self, to source, to the universe, or what some people refer to as God. Whatever you want to call it (I simply see it as energy), this is the place to find your GPS and allow it to lead you to your next destination.

 

I reconnect with this energy twice a day in meditation. Over the years that I have been in this practice, I have learned to enter the state of bliss or ecstasy on demand. I stay in it as long as it feels good. I make no decisions, nor moves unless I am in that state. In that state, I will easily know what to do. Outside of that state, I often don’t.

 

Many of my friends experiment with drugs to achieve certain mental states. I am okay with that. I don’t blame people for trying that, because it is the desire to find a higher state that is actually a step on our path. So far, I have not encountered a person who has benefited from a drug permanently, nor a person whose experience did not hit a threshold. There is always a limit to how high any drug will take you, and there is always a finale. In meditation there are no limits because the universe is infinite. We experience as much or as little as we are open to. When I am totally open, I see, hear, know, feel, smell, taste and experience infinity with more senses than science has ever identified. I perceive the universe with senses I cannot describe in words. And when I am only partially open, yes, my meditation experience is limited though still beneficial. It all depends on me.

 

But, your path is just an energetic guidance system, nothing else. You know when you are in those higher states when decisions seem inspired, like no-brainers. And you know when you are totally disconnected, when every experience feels like dense energy in your physical body. Practice letting go, releasing energy, and connecting yourself to flow. How you connect is totally up to you. If you enjoy loud dance music, allow yourself to dance your way into nirvana. Many of my friends experience a runner’s high- that is their state of perfection. And for me, I close my eyes, become still and my mind lights up like a light bulb. My reality is absolutely blinding. Your state of flow, your lightness of being is your path.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Date On Your Own Terms

The number one quality I look for in a man is my own interest in him. This really should be the top requirement in getting to know a person, going on a date, and pursuing a relationship. My interest precludes all other qualities he could possibly possess. It precludes his niceness, his willingness, his academic and work qualifications, his psychological profile, his physical attractiveness. If I personally have no interest, there is nothing he can do about it. This sounds cold, and I get a lot of disapproval from both men and women. So, I often ask women why do you date men you have little to no interest in?

 

Most women will tell you that they give nice guys a chance. They date for the opportunity to meet someone. They date to get to know someone. But, later, when they get into situationships with people that are pointless, fruitless, or dissatisfying, they have no concrete understanding how they ended up in this situation. That’s obvious, you are dating people you don’t necessarily want, people who don’t truly turn you on, even people who asked you out, simply because no one else did. All those reasons are ridiculous. You are choosing from the lowest hanging fruit.

 

We all date for different reasons, and all reasons are valid. Some women date to hook up. That’s perfectly fine, except when they are hooking up with men who don’t actually turn them on. The next day they wonder why the whole experience was so empty. They took a willing participant, not someone they actually felt physically attracted to.

 

A lot of women want a real relationship. That’s nice, but why are you dating men who you don’t know qualify as relationship material? Why are you trying to get to know a person on superficial levels (does he pay for dinner? Does he open doors? How quickly does he respond to texts?”), and ignoring important qualities you want in a relationship: the ability to connect on an emotional level, a clean history of solid long-term relationships, inner character, a spine would be nice. A man whose word is important to himself is far more valuable than a man whose words change depending on the situation. Wouldn’t you rather know if he has balls or even self-esteem before you get invested in him?

 

Some women want to get married and start families, yet they consistently date men who dangle those things in front of their faces like a carrot on a stick. Then they wonder why they have to chase him and his carrot stick for years, and still don’t have the relationship they want. Women in this situation often admit that he isn’t that great, that they are actually just chasing marriage. They could have marriage easily, if they only dated men  who qualified first.  Do you see what a waste of time it is to start dating someone with the wait and see what happens attitude? Maybe one day he will be ready, maybe one day he will be serious, maybe one day he will decide for her that it is time to get married.  Sorry ladies, but no Goddess I know has the wait and see attitude.

 

A lot of my friends, both male and female are reaching middle-age, and acknowledge a history of negative dating patterns, and psychological profiles of people they dated. The vast majority of women I know are repeating patterns with narcissists, pathological liars, men with egos so bloated, they only see it when it explodes in their face. Yet, in all their experience dating they have never questioned their own tastes, their own attraction points, their own preferences, and their own psychological issues that make them chase exactly those toxic qualities they despise so much.

 

I believe that the entire culture of dating, and our belief that we must keep connecting with people, and giving the wrong people a chance simply because they chose us, is exactly why every interaction with the opposite sex turns into a situationship rather than a relationship. The entire process of traditional dating stinks. I have been criticizing the dating culture, dating media and the dating industry for years, and still can’t understand why people (both men and women) buy into it. Do you really think that a dating manual will teach you how to apply the latest texting trick successfully and lead you to everlasting peace with someone? No, it will lead you into another bogus situation. If you are a grown up, and have experienced a lifetime of bogus dating situations, repeated patterns with people who have no ability to connect to you on your level, why are you dating at all? Why? Do you have an answer to that?

 

Is dating, and the race to score a mate really that important? Is it more important to you than your dignity? Is it more important than your inner peace? Is being alone such a deep seated fear that you must keep putting yourself out there over and over again for the bleak opportunity to secure someone mediocre? Much of the dating industry is just irrational fear mongering for women, and an ego trip for men who need it. Real people don’t connect using techniques. Real people connect on a deeper level, and that never happens by following a relationship manual.

 

When you met your closest friends, did you study a course outline? Did you take your friendships step by step, from a handshake, to drinks, to a phone call, to exchanging mindless texts, to building an actual friendship? No, you followed your instincts, hung out with people whose vibe you like, found your tribe, then opened up and allowed them time and space to open up to you too. Did you have a goal or an agenda when you met your best friend? Were you hoping from day one that it turns into a friendship of a lifetime? No, you weren’t that desperate, nor foolish. You allowed people whose company you enjoy to get to know you and vice versa.

 

You certainly did not attempt to build a friendship with a person you don’t like, a person whose views don’t necessarily mesh with yours, nor did you attempt to bond with the friend who demanded that you tell them where this relationship is going after three outings. You find your tribe based on your own personal interest, mutual attractiveness, and interest that is always equal. For some odd reason, it is very common for a woman to feel nothing for a man at all on the first date, then find herself still dating him months later, hoping that she will find something in him that she didn’t see on the first date.

 

I see women going on dates with men they actually have no interest in at all. Some women do this because no one better has asked them out. That is just a demonstration that she is willing to settle for less than great. Some women date to possibly make a friend. Some date for the sheer numbers, they believe the more men they meet the greater their chances are in meeting someone they could actually be with. Unfortunately, most women allow the man to first decide whether he wants her, and what he actually wants from her, and they go along with it, even when she has made no such decision for herself at all. Did you actually choose him, or did you allow him to choose you? “Umm, well, he asked me out, so I went” is usually the answer. But why did you spend an hour of your valuable time, having dinner and giving a chance to a person you aren’t actually interested in?” “Because he invited me to dinner and that is a nice gesture”.  Many women are simply responding to a kind gesture, so a lot of women have absolutely no idea how to choose.

 

I really believe that women should stop dating. Period. Disconnect form the dating industry, burn all your dating books so that no one else suffers the misfortune of subscribing to the insanity that dating culture exposes us to. Just stop. Take a time out, go on a man-diet, re-connect with yourself, find yourself, take a long time to think about who do you want. You should have a clear idea of the psychological and emotional profile of the person you would like to spend time with. Then take some time to understand how to spot those qualities, how to screen for narcissism, bloated egos, superficiality and deep insecurities. Read, study people, observe. Most of all, study yourself in all these situations.

 

If you have a lifelong habit of picking out narcissists, you have to fix yourself first. List all the grandiose or false qualities you were attracted to that later turned out to be a mask. Above all things, you must know yourself, your strengths and fatal weaknesses if you want to become a sharp observer and screener of people.

 

Never date a man unless you actually have a strong interest in him. If you don’t know him, there is no reason to give a stranger a chance at all. If you know nothing about a person, rather than start dating him and following dating rules and patterns, try not dating him at all.

 

How do I date? By not dating. I absolutely hate giving time to people who I am not attracted to, who I find unattractive on a physical, personal or a social level. I make no apologies for that. Next, I am usually getting to know a lot of people at the same time. I get to know them socially through friends, I observe them in a group setting, and try to determine who in my social circle respects them, and who they show respect to. Are they surrounded by drama, are they surrounded by phonies, or are they shrouded in mystery? Mysterious people who give off no signals and deflect direct questions are red-flags to me.

 

I look for non-date opportunities to get to know a person. At this point he probably has no clue that I am interested.  I organize a hike with a few people, so I can gauge the topic of our conversations and how he feels about important subjects. Recently, on a three hour drive to a retreat with a bunch of friends, I got to know two guys on a deeper level, simply by listening carefully to the topic of conversation on a long car ride. One was anti-choice and revealed himself to be a pro-lifer. Now I know I won’t be hooking up with that.  The other, who I was less interested in looks like he would either be a good friend with benefits, or someone to get to know better. Both of these guys asked me out on a date, and I am glad I did not participate in a traditional date with either of them. The pro-lifer admitted to hiding his political status on Tinder and from most of his dates simply because women tend to dump him up front. That means that he would have hidden that fact from me too.

 

When I meet someone I am interested in dating, I actually ask him out myself. I know that a lot of women are not comfortable doing this, but I think that remaining passive and only dating men who ask you out, leaves you at the mercy of the dating traditions and social norms. You won’t meet a soulmate when you are choosing from what’s available to you. I know how I feel about someone, I trust my own instinct, so why remain passive and give only chances to men I know I don’t want?

 

I get asked out a lot. My job is such that I meet a ton of people, and I am grateful for that. But I ignore 99.9% of people out there because I have learned that dating traditionally, and dating only men who ask me out is a complete waste of my life. He gets to date who he wants, but I have to choose from among those who tried their chances with me? No. Some guys will ask you out because they truly want you, while others are just playing the numbers game and asking every woman out. They get lucky, because a lot of high quality women give chances to men simply because they asked.

 

By dating on my own terms, I have freed myself from the dating game, or the actual rat race. I refuse to waste one hour of my time drinking wine and making eye contact with a man I find unattractive. I won’t dishonor myself that way. I refuse to then make nice, and say all those appropriately polite things, and lead him on to the next date when I really didn’t enjoy the first one at all. It is disrespectful to the man, it creates a false impression, and worst of all, the dishonesty makes me feel icky. Entertaining the possibility of someone I really am not interested in feels gross to me. I like myself too much for that.

 

There are times when I am not interested in any men at all. I make absolutely no effort to date then. The last place you will see my face is on a dating app. Why should any random schmuck have access to me and believe that he could have me at the click of a button? Personally, I wouldn’t place much value on men who are on Tinder either. They are playing the numbers game, they are available to all my girlfriends who screenshot their profiles then trade “look who I found on Tinder” in group chats. If everyone in the tri-state area can have access to a man, there’s no way he will be mine.

 

Now that I am no longer in the ugly rat race of dating, I am much more relaxed and unconcerned with men in general. My inbox is full of offers I don’t even read any more. I organize events, I attend parties and I only talk to men who I have identified as interesting. I don’t even acknowledge the men who are not dateable. I will approach someone and start a conversation, I will ask an acquaintance for an introduction, and I only give my phone number to people I actually want to talk to. I openly say no to men I don’t want to connect with, I don’t say it rudely but I make sure that I am clear. I have a card without a phone number for the persistent buggers, but I find that I no longer need to use it when I clearly state no.

 

Now, when I show up to a date, it is because I truly want to be there. The person who invited me has my genuine attention. I am not feigning interest, nor am I just going through the motions. If they don’t convince me on that one date that they are 100% available to me and only me, if they hint they may have better options, or are entertaining other women, I have no reason to be there again. I am there to enjoy myself, and I’m gone as soon as it is no longer pure joy to see that person.

 

The ball is in my court. I used to go on too many dates, then wonder why the experience always made me feel gross. That was because I was trying to get to know people I really didn’t want to know. Now I only go on a few dates, but they are quality time. If a person doesn’t seem to want to connect on anything but a superficial level, I bow out long before the dating process even started. I don’t need anything superficial. Sometimes I do, most of the time I don’t.

 

So, how do we get to the first date? Like I said, I have to be truly interested. After I have gotten to know him by not dating him at all, I then determine what if anything I want from him? Do I want a fling, is he truly relationship material? Is he grown up enough, and genuine enough for me? If yes, there are three additional things I must know before we get to the first date: Is he 100% available to me, is he 100% percent interested in me, is he 100% free and clear of past relationships? If he is dawdling, still looking or still attached to an ex, these are things I must know. I only date 100%-ers, and it is not enough that they are 100% interested in me. I first and foremost must be interested in him.  There’s no interest if I smell an ex or if I think he is dating other people. This may sound like a tall order for you, but the only men I interact with are the ones who are 100% interested and available. You might think they don’t exist, but I say there are armies of them who are willing to be 100% to a quality person. You won’t meet the 100%-ers if you are giving chances to men you don’t want, and paying an ounce of attention to men who are just kicking the tires.

 

Do not date men who have shown you they have other options. They are not qualified. How much time and aggravation have you wasted dating people who are dating other people? By now you know they are not worth any effort. Only consider those who have openly stated their full interest and full availability. If you are not sure you believe him, it is because he isn’t believable. Don’t go there.

 

I perceive not dating as a super power. It is amazing how men up their game when they realize they don’t have your interest. It is my time to observe from a place of detachment. A lot of men and women feel like losers when they are not dating, so they quickly jump into the race only to find they actually don’t enjoy a single person. I have learned through self observation that I only feel like a loser when I am participating in dating just for the sake of dating. It feels awful to be on a date with someone I feel no interest in at all. It feels even worse to then go through the appropriate post-date motions of exchanging dull texts, making plans or politely and without hurting his feelings look for a way out. I’d rather not be there in the first place.

 

I also found that my time with men is of greater quality. By only meeting with people I actually am interested in, I find that I am more present on a date. I am enjoying myself more when I am truly interested in what he has to say.  I ask better questions when I am curious whether the person relates to me. I am much more likely to make an effort to actually know someone if I am happy to be in his presence. I feel no pressure to do anything at all. I am simply there for my own pleasure, and if he is not enjoying himself, or if I don’t meet his agenda, nothing has to happen.

 

Depending on my interest, something can happen but only when I want it to happen. That can be after a few dates, after a few weeks, or after a few months. It all depends on whether I want a hookup, a summer fling or a relationship. Everything happens on my own time, and I go no further if for any reason I feel uncomfortable.

 

No one has to invest in a relationship with me, I don’t prod people into giving me more time than they want. I relax and see what happens. If nothing is happening I don’t feel like I failed at some dating technique, I understand that there was no magic in that connection. It takes two people to create a spark. If only one of us lights up, there’s no magic. You don’t need three dates to see for yourself that there isn’t a mutual spark. If there is a spark, the whole relationship will power up right away.

 

I do date several people at the same time, or no people at all. Regardless, I am always getting to know someone on some level, whether they know it or not. By getting to know men by hanging out and not dating, I meet them with their guard down. You’d be surprised what you can learn when you are not dating him. A lot of men discount women who are not in their dating pool. This is the perfect time to get to know him. When you are not dating him, he won’t be on his best behavior, and if he thinks he has no chance with you, he is more likely to be his true self.

 

I almost started dating someone six months ago, then backed out once I saw him in a group setting. My first instinct was that this guy has issues that my eyes don’t see. So I observed. Hanging out with a bunch of friends I learned that his last ex filed a lawsuit. His previous one pressed charges against him, and his relationships tend to be with the most inappropriate people (coworkers, friend’s exes, even bosses). After a few hours of drinking, he made a fist and punched the table then turned it into a joke about the effect he has on women. I observed and I learned everything I needed to know about him that night. Would I have learned this had I actually started dating him when he asked me out? Chances are he would have been on his best behavior and after three dates I would have done something I regret, had I followed the ridiculous three date rule.

 

I suggest that you devise your own personal way for getting to know people. Following tradition will lead you nowhere, and force you to choose from the lowest hanging fruit. So many intelligent, successful, ambitious women I know are entertaining men who don’t qualify for a minute of their time. But they are only choosing from the men who asked them out.  Following your own instinct even when your instincts are wrong, will allow you to see yourself, discover your own deeper issues, your own flaws and readjust. Inside the private Goddess forum, I advise women to date less, not more. You don’t owe everyone your attention or time. Learn how to spot the characteristics of men who are toxic or just plain wrong for you up front.

 

I can now ask a few prodding questions as soon as I meet someone that allow me to see how he sees himself, how he perceives me, and what his agenda is. I don’t have to meet him for a drink to know he isn’t for me. I use my intuition and I trust it. I’d rather be wrong and lose a few people, than get into icky situations just because I ignored that first gut feeling.  The moral of the story is to make your own dating rules, become more in touch with your own self, figure out what kind of connection you want and screen for whether the person is even capable of that before you go down the dating path. I won’t date some schmuck simply because he wants me, and neither should you. And I certainly won’t choose from the lowest hanging fruit. The number one quality I look for in a man is my own interest in him.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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When Love Isn’t Happening

If it’s not happening, you are giving air time to contradiction. You want love. But, that’s not good enough. Self-love gets stale, so you’d rather have someone else to love. Okay. You get into your center, align, open your chakras, and you get into the right frequency. Very cool for you. Only later you look at Facebook, click on an article about how most singletons your age are lonely, and how dissatisfied they are with their six figure, meaningful jobs, and boom! You identify with that. Or, boom, you get angry about that. Whether you identify with the sentiment or you rally against it doesn’t matter. You went boom, and crashed down to earth. There goes your love. A minute before you were in the right place. But now, you allowed the contradiction, acknowledged it as real, and as soon as you gave it airtime, crashed down to earth. Heart chakra, solar plexus, sacral and root chakras just slammed shut. What’s the point?

Let’s try this again. What is love? It is just an energy you produce all by yourself. I don’t care whether I love that one, or that one, or that one. Does it matter if one man isn’t participating in what I’m creating right now? Every human has the power to create the feeling of love. Don’t believe me? Scroll down to the video of the girl blissing in her moment, look at your dog’s face light up the second it sees you, or your own heart melt like butter when your baby calls you mom. Love happens on demand. You have the power to turn it on like a power switch. It shuts off in a split second, the minute you see or feel contradiction. Your power is in holding your energy still in exactly the place you choose to put it in, No Matter What your eyes see or your ears hear, your energy should be exactly where you want it.  This takes practice.

Let’s try this again. Get aligned, tune into the energy of love, then practice staying there no matter what. Once you feel stable, log onto Facebook, and set your intention on reading a negative article or responding to a negative post, while mindfully holding your energy in the state of love. If you feel yourself getting wobbly, slowly shift your focus back into yourself and realign with love. Again, slowly turn your attention onto something you don’t like, and see how long you can hold love in your consciousness, while that moron you dislike so much is allowed to be who he wants to be.

I recently went through a mini breakup. No biggie, but it made me cranky for a few days. I didn’t miss him, I just hated that I gave air-time to who I don’t want. I was feeling the contradiction of what I truly think I deserve. You cannot stuff your negative feelings, fighting to keep a balloon under water only makes it explode. Rather than dwell on all that went wrong, I decided to slowly direct my energy (not my crazy thoughts and whacked feelings) somewhere else. What made me feel better is a long, scenic drive, an overnight in my favorite cabin, an awesome bottle of wine, and a fireplace. I borrowed a dog because having an animal nearby always makes me happy. In the morning I went to a wolf sanctuary because I love petting wild animals. The whole weekend I was practicing shifting my energy toward something that feels better. Often an animal feels better than a human. Each time I felt bliss, I practiced holding my energy there as long as I can. It took 3 hrs to re-center and find my power again.

The power of love has nothing to do with men, nor whether you’ve had one today. They can’t make you happy. Love is a power because it is your own personal center, it is the core of who you are as a being. Love can make you happy when you learn that you alone possess it, you alone operate it, you alone choose whether you are tuned in or tuned out. Think of love energy as your magic wand. Practice using your wand by first changing your frequency, shifting how you feel in any given moment, becoming bulletproof when people hurl insults, remaining unaffected because the only thing you are receiving in their moment of anger is your own stream of love. Here is a negative condition that is happening to everyone else, it is making everyone angry, but it is not affecting you. You are tuned into something else.

Some people need drugs to tune into ecstasy.  I do it on command with my own mind. When I do, I am power, I am God.

 

S

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Love vs. Commitment vs. Codependency vs. Sex vs. Friendship vs. Romance

Love vs. Commitment vs. Codependency vs. Sex vs. Friendship vs. Romance

 

We have all been taught that true love is marriage and is all of the above concepts combined. But is it? Have you ever been in love but reluctant to commit? Have you ever had a spectacular sexual connection, but not felt romantic? Have you ever wanted to marry someone, but confused that desire with neediness or codependency?  Have you ever been in a commitment, but felt physically attracted to someone else?

 

Does the traditional concept of love even make sense? Is it possible to write love into a marriage contract? Is it possible to bring love to a halt with the help of an attorney? Do people confuse their feelings of love with feelings of ‘He Will Answer All My Prayers’, then wake up one day to realize, he makes a good father, but a horrible lover? Love isn’t simple, yet we all want it to be more accessible, more equitable, more safe, and when it leads to emotional disaster, we wonder what was wrong with our formula. It all added up in the beginning, but when the relationship ended none of the pieces added up any more.

 

Is it possible to compartmentalize our emotional desires from our physical desires from our safety and security needs from our desire to connect on a spiritual level? Experts used to claim that this is only possible for men, real men, and that women were not designed to be able to handle that kind of compartmentalization. In fact, until recently, women who were able to have sex without needing love nor the man himself, were taught to be loose, pitiable, psychologically damaged. Much has changed in the last few years. Not only are we finding that it is possible to have love without commitment without codependency without friendship without romance, we are finding out that it is absolutely necessary to experience it all separately and in various combinations because what love means to you is very different from what it means to me.

 

When two people say I love you, they are actually speaking two different languages. To me love is a blissful feeling, an open heart chakra, vulnerability, fearlessness, complete willingness to be destroyed and knowingness that I will rebuild myself stronger and even more fearless. To most humans love is a measured dose of trading emotions for evidence of a firm commitment. If you asked my last ex, love is complete control of the other so they cannot leave you. If you asked the previous ex, love is how he would feel only if he could parade me as a trophy, but since I refused, it was not true love. To me, my refusal was proof of the purity of my love.

 

One thing is for sure love is not a fairy tale, but unfortunately most women grew up raised on a strict diet of Cinderella, Snow White and Beauty and the Beast. In each story the delicate beauty submitted to her savior, and they lived happily ever after. Is it any wonder that to this day most women dream of walking down the aisle wearing a princess gown, and that many insecure men think that a real woman is the one who submits?

 

So, the traditional concept of love isn’t working. If it was, we wouldn’t be so obsessed with decoding it.  While the rise in divorce rates makes traditionalists panic, personally I think it is a positive sign. It means that people are starting to question what love truly means to them, and what types of love would best suit their needs. That isn’t always a marriage contract. Sometimes true love is the freedom to explore. And our definition of love isn’t permanently fixed. I see that with every new relationship, I redefine love and what it does for me.

 

I have never met someone whose idea of love matched mine. Sure, many claimed to be my perfect match, but we all know how to mimic feelings and parrot words the other wants to hear. They were all a wonderful match while the love lasted. As true as my love was, it has always faded. There are several exes whom I will always love, but am glad are no longer in my life. To some, that makes me a very scary woman.

 

Love ended for many reasons. Often our love was a house of cards with no mortar and no foundation. Most often it ended because I lost respect, deep insecurities, and the ugliest factor of all, control. Love is the direct opposite of control, but to many people control is the only form of love.

 

How do we unboggle love? I don’t think we are meant to. For centuries we thrived in marriage, or what I refer to as codependence. Religions instructed that marriage was the only form of love, and it worked as long as women had no other options. As soon as a few opportunities opened up we grabbed them. We grabbed birth control pills, we grabbed college and diplomas, we grabbed low-paying jobs just to afford ourselves delayed marriage, sexual experience, and an opportunity to live beyond what was deemed advisable for us. We learned that love doesn’t have to be the first boy we kissed, that love doesn’t have to be a husband, that love doesn’t have to be a shiny rock mounted onto a wedding ring, and contrary to what science claimed about the female brain, sex does not mean we will automatically attach and fall in love. Now we see that we don’t have to marry the father of our children. He can still be a good father, and we can still have a life. We learned that a man is not safety, children are not security, and no matter how much life’s meaning we are supposed to squeeze out of marriage and motherhood, it will never be meaningful enough. We want more.

 

Now what? The only thing that I can say with 100% certainty is that I don’t know what love is, and neither does any academic, moral authority, nor expert. That is why the institution of marriage has collapsed. We made love into the only thing it was never meant to me, an institution, and we killed it.

 

Very few can argue that animals have no emotions, and that animals are not capable of love. They are, only they experience it simply, more honestly and more purely. Animals can experience emotional loss and pain. Do they seek to protect themselves from love? Do they attempt to bind or chain one another? Do animals thrive in institutions or do they thrive in freedom? Maybe what they experience is more natural, certainly less contrived.

 

Humanity, with its egotism, thirst for power and control over one another, is the only entity that has succeeded in killing love. We have degraded the concept into a mere transaction. Outside of the human construct, love very much exists. We can’t even see it because we assume that anything that isn’t human cannot be conscious.

 

But look at the kind of love our moral authorities have created. Priests are raping children, politicians are masking their impotence by parading prostitutes and strippers in front of the masses, celebrities are trading two years of love for a ten carat diamond ring, CEOs are making headlines with dick pics, but it is still not okay for most of us who are skeptical to say, No, I do not believe in the institution of marriage.

 

It seems that the only way to remain sane and actually taste love is to break it down into little pieces and experience the easily digestible bits that make sense to us right now. Recently a friend got chastised by our social circle for admitting that she is in love and in a relationship with a married man. All hell broke loose, and she got called all kinds of names. No one accepted that what she felt could be true love. It was impossible they said, because he is under contract. Have you ever been in love with someone who belonged to someone else? I have, and I allowed myself to remain in love. Speaking with my friend I realized that she is happier than ever. She was very respectful of his marriage, and did not want to break it. She would not even ask him to leave his wife. She was thrilled to simply be in love with this human, despite the judgment, despite the insults, despite the fact that she understood she will one day get hurt. How is that not love?

 

I prefer to compartmentalize love. I have openly stated that I have friends with benefits. In fact, the reason I have experienced so much is because those friends empowered me to explore various types of relationships with different people. There are times when I miss romance, and I find someone to experience it with, even briefly. Currently, marriage is impossible for me to fathom, so I am leaving that out of my equation, and codependency is totally out of the question.

 

We each have to define love for ourselves, understand that as long as we are growing, our concept of love will keep evolving, always for the better. In fact, learning how to love in new and greater ways is the expansion of consciousness. With each new reincarnation of love comes a new revelation, a new cycle, a rebirth, a new enlightenment. Out of that crash of agonizing pain and suffering, comes a new version of you, always greater. Do you really want to stop this beautiful process so that you can get married?

 

Keep experiencing, keep growing, keep evolving and keep loving. Love never gets smaller unless you try to capture it.  As you keep opening yourself more fearlessly, you will experience love in its highest forms. You will crash, you will burn, and you will survive. Each time love will get bigger and bigger and bigger. Guaranteed.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

in·ti·ma·cy- Into Me I See

 

 

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Dating The Big Shot vs. Dating An Equal

This morning there was a debate in the Goddess Private Forum about what turns women on. As you can imagine, the conversation got a little racy. Some posts were funny, others explicit, some women love brains, others love brains of a different kind. These days more women appreciate youth and physical prowess, and more women discount wisdom, financial status, and dominance. Today women are acquiring higher degrees and financial stability, so while most are looking for their equal, very few women are asking for a man who possesses traits of dominance or superiority.

 

Yesterday morning I was speaking to a Goddess in training. She was complaining that there aren’t enough excellent men. She said that she would like to meet men whom she can look up to. I immediately downloaded a message for her, and asked: “If you are looking up at a man, doesn’t that logically mean that he is looking down at you?”  She was shocked, that statement blew her away. It totally resonated. Then I asked her if she had a history of dating men who treated her as if she is nothing to them? Her only answer was “Holy, f**king sh*it!”.

 

This scenario probably resonates with a lot of women, and men. A lot of my male friends complain that women are only chasing men who are no good, lack character, or possess traits of an alpha male. I think that this is how women have been raised, most of us have been taught by our fathers to look for men who are excellent providers, highly intelligent, superior. Even culture and media glorify big shots, worship hyper-successful males to the point where they can do no wrong, and respect men of supreme knowledge, leadership, and dominance. Today especially, the younger generation of males are labeled by media as lazy, passive, and are ridiculed for being in touch with their feminine side. Let’s face it, we are all raised like that.

 

I’ll be very honest, and at the risk of sounding egotistical, I have never met a man who I thought was above me. Yes, I too admired big shots, their high intelligence and dominance. But I never actually met a man who I thought was more intelligent, nor more dominant than me. I am an alpha, and let’s just leave it at that. I always ended up in relationships with men who were less smart, less confident, more insecure than me, so they all pretended to be more than they actually were. These men too were raised to believe that they should be in the lead, and that women should support their egos. So, in order to make him feel bigger, I would always try to make myself look smaller. I have a history of putting men on a pedestal, so that I can admire them from down here. I thought that once he is bigger than me, I will feel like he is a real man. Is it surprising then that our culture promotes the idea that a real man is bigger, better, stronger than a real woman?

 

My first husband was less intelligent and less educated than me. I wanted to make him feel like a real man, so when the company we both worked for went public, and all executives were being vetted for it’s IPO, he asked me to remove MBA from my resume, so that he could feel like a Vice President. I did so gladly to make him feel like a man. I loved him, and at the time I thought that is what a supporting wife should do. But looking back, I spent the entire marriage boosting his confidence, placing him in the lead, putting him in the spotlight. I remember sending press releases to financial media, to get him interviewed by CNN, CNBC, Bloomberg and Forbes. I glorified all his successes, and swept mine under the rug. It is no surprise then, that when we were going through the divorce, he openly said that I am too small for him.  You might think that I learned my lesson, but I still believed that a man should be bigger, in fact, I could only be turned on by someone who appeared to be bigger even when he was obviously faking his success. I simply admired men who perceived themselves to be great.

 

A lot of my male friends complain that women are “programmed” to look for fake signs of success, dominance and superiority. I agree with them. I was raised in two cultures that valued machismo, dominance and male superiority. A lot of my female friends and clients complain about dating brutes, narcissists, and phonies who treat them as if they are inferior, but they have never made a connection between the traits that they find attractive, and how the men who possess those traits behave and treat them.

 

It is almost impossible for a woman to be turned on by a man she does not find attractive. So when the women try to date men with milder manners, they find that “he is nice, but he can’t turn me on”. I know how that feels. I was in the same predicament for many years. I tried giving the nice guy a chance, but no matter how hard I tried to accept him, I never thought of him as Wow. But it is strange to realize that we all want to be wowed by the object of our affection. The men who I initially thought of as impressive always turned out to be putting on an act.

 

It was by sheer luck and probably boredom that I once started dating a guy who is not an alpha, not a brute, not an egotistical narcissist, just a regular guy. Lucky for me he was hot, which is the only reason I noticed him. If he wasn’t I would have dismissed him easily. But that one relationship with a non-dominant male, totally crashed my program.  I admit, I only gave him a chance for his looks, which is superficial. But the more I got to know him, the more I found his humbleness refreshingly charming. Slowly I started to notice that he had nothing to prove, wasn’t trying to lord over me, wasn’t asking that I diminish myself so that he can feel like a man. He was actually proud of me for being in the lead. I never met a guy like that. I had heard that they exist, but never thought I could be attracted to one.

 

But this one relationship was enough to change my view about masculinity and what it actually means. I realized that rather than look up at a man, I’d rather be looking at him straight in his eyes. Men who are our equals happen to have healthy views about women and femininity. They are actually capable of relating to us. Logically speaking, if he isn’t looking down on you, he won’t be treating you as such either.

 

Though many women in the forum found this revelation to truly resonate with them, many admitted that it will be hard to change old habits. I agree, we all live the way we have been programmed. And if we want better life experiences, we have to step out of the matrix.

 

Breaking my program was a painful experience, but I fully intended to change my habits and my reality. The good news is that I stopped being attracted to dominant, macho men, and I am now turned off by egotism. I now have a lot more respect for what culture refers to as beta males, the men who don’t seek to dominate, but are perfectly comfortable with themselves.

 

But I think that socially this country is experiencing a shift. Turn on the news, and the headlines are filled with accusations of masculinity being under attack. Initially, it was just a few critics who openly ridiculed the president’s narcissism and phony masculinity, but then other politicians with bloated egos and very little character got lumped into the same category. Then came the #metoo movement, when the country’s top executives were exposed for harassment, rape and misogyny. And finally, the nation’s religious leaders were exposed for pedophilia, sexual abuse and a long history of silencing victims.

 

So, is masculinity under attack? Definitely not. Fake masculinity is being exposed, and criminal behavior is under attack. and that is clearly making a lot of men and women uncomfortable. Delusion, perversion, bullying are under attack and rightfully so. But, as we watch the masks of a lot of powerful men crack and fall to the ground, many of us are realizing that those traits we were taught to be masculine: aggression, dominance, superiority have nothing to do with real manhood at all. A lot of women are recognizing their own personal patterns in the stories that play out in the media. We can all relate to submitting to a man so he won’t lose his temper, won’t retaliate, won’t seek revenge. We all know what it is like to keep our mouths shut so that his opinion could be valid. We have all been taught to pander to a man’s ego, and if we have an opinion that invalidates his, make him believe that he came up with it himself.

 

In many ways we women are guilty of supporting fake masculinity, respecting the patriarchy and bowing down to Big Men. In fact we made them, we raised them, and we pandered to their egos for generations. Why are we so dismayed that so many men still don’t see us as equals? We put them on those pedestals ourselves.

 

But, getting back to dating and women’s attraction to big, powerful men, I think that this is something that is slowly shifting here in America. Now that women comprise 47% of the work force, we no longer need men to lead us, support us, be superior to us. As our needs change, many women are starting to realize that we don’t need a traditional husband, we now want a partner and an equal.

 

Dating that hypermasculine brute with a bloated ego who seeks to dominate is no longer attractive to a growing number of women. Personally, I want a man I can respect. I see myself possessing a very strong character, so I would like someone whose character matches mine. I still want someone whose strengths compensate for my weaknesses and vice versa, but overall I want my equal. I don’t need someone whose life I have to build, nor someone whose ego I have to stroke. I am ready to build my own life. He can join me, or not.

 

If one person in the relationship is looking up, obviously the other is looking down.

 

S

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Chivalry Vs. Opportunism Explained

Is chivalry dead? I think chivalry definitely exists, but how it is being used has definitely changed. In modern times, our social interactions have also changed, and so have our expectations of fellow humans.

Let’s start with the definition of chivalry and the word’s origin. According to the dictionary:

chivalry

Men behaving courteously— holding the door open, offering women their jackets when it’s cold — is called chivalry.

Medieval principles governing knighthood and knightly conduct

A rule or standard especially of good behavior – courtesy towards women

Synonyms: gallantry, politesse. Type of: courtesy, good manners

As you can see, times have changed and medieval knights have evolved into gentlemen, and further evolved into everyday humans, or men. Traditionally, chivalrous gestures were simply good manners taught to nobility, but as times changed, so did our social expectations. In modern times, chivalry no longer refers to men only. As gender roles are becoming blurred, most men and women strive to treat our fellow humans with dignity and kindness regardless of gender.

In this day and age, it is common for women to be chivalrous as well. Today, women open doors for men, for other women, and for strangers. I tend to open doors for whoever is near me, I even open the door for the janitor in my building simply because he is human.

There seems to be much confusion about chivalry and its failures. Apparently, a lot of people are upset because their so-called chivalry isn’t being met with adequate praise or reward. And some women complain against chivalry, because it is archaic, because they too partake in chivalry, but mainly because some ‘chivalrous’ men, expect a reward for gestures which are supposed to be free of charge to all humans.

What no one has considered is that chivalry isn’t dead, instead it is being misused and its intentions are often confused with another concept called opportunism. What is an opportunist?

op·por·tun·ist

noun: opportunist; plural noun: opportunists

a person who exploits circumstances to gain immediate advantage rather than being guided by consistent principles or plans.

Reading this definition, can you see how opportunism can be a turn-off for many women?

Personally, I am always impressed by good manners. It is a sign of a respectful person who has consideration for those around him or her. Good manners are a sign of fine breeding, a reflection of one’s values, and how a person perceives themselves. Naturally, a person who values others will act in a way to demonstrate that. And a person who respects fellow man will not demand repayment, nor accolades for an act of courtesy.

Chivalry is given freely with no reward, nor further expectations. Opportunism takes advantage of the recipient of that gesture. What critics of chivalry find offensive is the false belief that a kind gesture comes with a price tag. There are many different kinds of men out there. Some will open a door without a second thought. For them the gesture is a matter-of-course, it comes naturally, and is a reflection of their character. I would like to think that when I open a door for anyone, I do it out of politeness and good intentions even though I am female.

As a woman I always notice good manners, and am always grateful to a person who performs chivalrous acts free of charge. But, I understand that most women have experienced “toxic chivalry” or what I refer to as opportunism, and this is something that we all complain about.

There is a type of man out there who uses so-called chivalry to take advantage. He rushes to open the door, he hears Thank You, but follows her to see just how grateful she really is. As she keeps walking, he keeps reminding her that he is just being a gentleman and that she is rude because she won’t give him time of day in exchange for that open door. He takes a woman out on a date, picks her up in his car, opens the door each time, orders her wine, orders her dinner, insists on paying for everything then insists on driving her home. Only, once he has performed all these tricks like a ‘real gentleman’ he awaits his reward. Some men treat chivalrous gestures like a punch card. “I did 10 gentlemanly things for you, therefore I am a real man”, or “I got dinner so you owe me”. An opportunist is always looking to be rewarded for a gesture a person could have done for themselves.

Several years ago, I received flowers twice on a New York City street from complete strangers. One was a heart-melting act of chivalry, the other a stomach churning act of opportunism. I was living in Manhattan, and commuting home from work. A guy standing in the crowded subway car was holding a big bunch of roses, clearly intended for someone else. I paid no attention to him at all and had my face buried in my phone. As the train came to a stop we both exited, he stopped me, took one rose out of the bouquet and handed it to me. He said, “I don’t mean to be creepy, but I saw you on the train and really felt like you should have this rose. Please accept it”. I was stunned, and speechless, and tongue tied, so all I could nervously stutter is ‘Thank You’.  He walked away and said ‘Have a beautiful day”. Needless to say, my heart melted, I felt grateful for the kind gesture, and smiled just thinking about that for days.

A few weeks later, I was sitting in an outdoor cafe, waiting for a friend. A guy walking down the street saw me, then stopped at the corner grocery and picked up a nice bouquet. He walked over to my table to hand me the bouquet, and he said ” You are beautiful and I just want to give a pretty lady these flowers to brighten up her day”. Once again I said thank you, that is very nice of you. I was so touched by the nice gesture of the guy from the subway, that my guard was down.  Only this guy, wasn’t going anywhere. “So, are you here alone?” “No, actually, I am waiting for a friend”. “Mind if I keep you company until your friend gets here?” Red flag, shivers down my spine, this one is going to be a creep. This guy was not being genuine, and honestly, I really didn’t want his company at all. But he acted as if I owed him my company because he gave me some flowers. Things turned unpleasant, and the waiter asked him to leave me alone. A lot of bickering and few insults later, the manager came out and threatened to call the police. How much did I appreciate his act of fake chivalry and being called a bitch? His flowers were revolting.  They were not a gift, they were bait. I couldn’t look at them, and asked the waiter to take them away.

Chivalry versus opportunism. Please know the difference. To be fair, we all should be allowed an opportunity to decide for ourselves whether we want to engage or take part in a gesture that may cost us later. Had I known that he was giving the flowers to earn the reward of my company, or to get a date, I would have rejected them outright. No one wants to feel obligated to reward an unnecessary gesture with their dignity.

And this is the reason a lot of women aren’t comfortable with today’s chivalry. Chivalry used to be free, but in modern times some men are taking advantage and expecting a reward or validation. He demands to hear that an act of common courtesy makes him a real man.

Because today it is very important to begin every assertion with “Not all men”, I will give you that. Not all men are opportunistic assholes. The vast majority of men and women make kind gestures because it is a reflection of who they are, and they understand that human kindness goes a long way. Both sexes are becoming comfortable with opening the doors for each other, for saying Thank You, and for thinking nothing of it.

So, the few men who are opportunists when it comes to using manners to gain favor with women are the ones who give chivalry a bad name. Chivalry isn’t dead, and women have not been corrupted by raging feminism. We are not determined to destroy manhood, in fact we appreciate true and healthy masculinity. What has changed is that we refuse to reward opportunists with our attention, our affection, our respect, nor the validation they crave so badly.

What makes a man a gentleman is that he acts with true character and honor every single day, and he does not require validation from others to be who he is. His value and his humanity speak for themselves. An opportunist is the opposite of that. Only an opportunist will use a gesture such as opening a door, then demand gratitude or the title of “real man” for performing a task a monkey can do.

My five year old nephew is learning his manners, so he has started opening doors for everyone, for mom, for dad, for his teacher and all his classmates. Is he a man? He has a long way to go to earn that honor. What I hope to teach him is that we all do kind gestures for everyone out of love for humanity, and not because we expect to earn a gold star.

So, the next time a woman complains about chivalry, take some time to consider why. A lot of women are tired of fake chivalry and opportunism. We have spent lifetimes  fending off goons who claim to be ‘just a nice guy’, but expect a little something in return. We are tired of promised job interviews that turn into an unwanted date. We are tired for having to pay for that open door with validating a man’s machismo. We simply are tired. This is why many of us would rather open our own door, pay for our own drink, and go home in peace, rather than worry that we owe you something. Please consider that we live in an age when most women will routinely open a door for a man and ask for absolutely nothing in return.

Are we taking over manhood? No. We simply want to be left in peace.

S

 

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