Why Every Woman Needs A Roster & A Dating Strategy Sheet

The Roster. What is the Roster? It is a man’s “Little Black Book” of available women. Think of it as a menu of delicious items readily available to him. These delicious items are categorized by portion size, ladies who are just appetizers, hearty meals, a sweet desert. Every man dreams of having a roster. Some men do, some men don’t. They guys who don’t, wish they did, but not every guy is slick, has skills, or knows how to get women to follow him or want to be available to him. Not every guy has the ability to text a woman, and have her show up in a sparkly outfit, hair and makeup, a 10+. Are guys who don’t have a roster better men? Not necessarily. It is nice to talk to a guy who doesn’t do that, the one who gets to know women one by one, and pays time and attention to each. But, a lot of guys who have no roster are resentful of men who do, and resentful of women who don’t show them the same attention they show to more attractive men. That resentment can be deep, and often shapes how he perceives women. So be careful, and always get to know men well, before adding them  to your roster. The roster is not necessarily a physical book. It can be Tinder, Bumble, and most often Facebook. If you are engaging with men on any social or dating apps, they think you are on their roster even if you don’t want them.

I learned to date from men. 10 yrs ago when I was going through a divorce, I enlisted the help of several male friends to help me date better and teach me some skills. I learned a lot and am very, very grateful for that. In fact, I used to have a roster too. What I learned about the roster is that it is a man’s security blanket. He feels more secure when his roster is full. Men survive off the attention of women, so they protect their rosters because their entire self-worth is attached to how women perceive them. I used to feel very powerful knowing I have a roster too. I also learned that the roster is a mirror to a man’s soul. Remember those guys who have no roster at all? Often they feel unappreciated, non-masculine, unworthy, and lack of female attention makes them very angry on the inside.

At a certain point I felt very powerful and confident about myself and I didn’t need a roster any more. I realized it was full of cheap candy, attention whores, men who are starving for female energy, but most of all men who gain their manhood from being seen or photographed in the company of women. This is why you no longer see photos of me with any men on FB. You will never see me hanging off the arm of any man unless he is The One.

To make sure I am not on any man’s roster, I always say clearly No. No to hanging out with men I don’t want, no to giving FB attention to guys looking for online attention, no to Bumble or Tinder, because I am not a downloadable girlfriend available at the click of a button, no to phone numbers and certainly no to having his picture taken with me when he is not anything to me.

It was good to have a roster of my own while I was learning about dating. It taught me a lot about my personal power, attraction points, and how to juggle. This is something I believe all women should know. It is powerful knowledge and it really did give me a huge confidence boost when I was going through a divorce and feeling unattractive and unwanted. If you are confused about where you stand with men, get overly emotional and attached to each and every one, if you get emotional when a guy you barely know won’t call you back, I highly recommend you get a roster of your own. It is just a tool to help you learn how to date more powerfully, and how to stay non-attached and level headed. Juggling men is something most women find distasteful, most would rather look for one. But being over focused on every One who passes by can feel disheartening. Seeing how men respond to you once they see they are just an option to you is priceless. I’m not telling you to become a player, I am telling you to learn how the game is played so that you stop playing defense and learn to strategize. A smart woman is a powerful woman!

Here are some powerful lessons I learned from managing my roster. My most powerful lesson of all time was #1.

1) How to be selective with men. Just because you have a guy on your roster does not make him a valued player at all. His interest is of no value to me whatsoever. A lot of men who are unattractive, unsleepable, are asking for my attention. Paying attention and being nice to them is a huge mistake. Listing them on your roster is like adding handicapped men to your team. They cannot do anything for you at all. Adding them to your roster will make you lose the game. Most women do not know how to be selective with men. They think that male attention is valuable and that they should just accept what they can get. Then they wonder why they are stuck dating men who have no skills, no stamina, no personal power, low psychological strength. Entertaining men whom you have not selected with your own criteria is a losing game.

2) I cannot afford to play “nice” to all men. Let me explain. When I announced to my social circle that I was filing for divorce, I was not looking to date at all. However, within weeks, 73 men asked me out. (I run a large social circle on the east coast). This was my first experience navigating the dating filed, and I did not want attention from most of those men. Yet, 73 men were pestering me for time, attention and a date. Being a nice girl did not work in my favor, because being nice came with the expectation that I will give them a chance and the kind of attention they were asking for. A lot of males take a woman’s niceness as proof of their manhood, if she is nice and smiling they conclude she wants him. That is of course not true for any woman I know, so I quickly had to learn how to remove men from my roster, kick them off the field without bruising their ego. Being nice to everybody is a huge handicap for women. We are expected to be nice, and when we are not we get called all kinds of names. But not all men are equal, they don’t all deserve your attention, so treating all men like Mother Teresa has negative consequences. I learned to treat men differently, to say No with full confidence, to never apologize, to never pander to them, to never stroke their ego, to stop validating them. Men who need validation are invalid without female attention. Yes, they are like invalids, you will waste time making them feel valid, when you should only engage men who are valid on their own merit. Never be the nice girl. You have a team to manage, men to screen and test, and you must be selective. That means saying No most of the time.

3) I am the most valuable player in my life. It’s true. My roster taught me that I create my own life, I manage my own dating strategy by making my own rules, and that all that matters in my life is whether I am happy, living to my own fullest potential, and weather I am pleasing Me. Kicking men off the field when they do nothing of value to me felt bad at first, but over time I learned that being selective and raising my standards was healthy, and that kicking time wasters of my field was very empowering. All these men are vying for a chance to play on my team. I am not applying for their time, they are applying for mine. Holding that roster in my hand changed my focus away from what men want, onto what I want. What I want became the object of the game. What they want is none of my business. Another powerful lesson!

4) Without a roster you don’t know how men stack up. It doesn’t take much intelligence to know that not all men are equal. Most men cannot do anything for themselves, let alone for you. Yet women are taught to treat all men nicely and equally. This is a huge mistake! You are giving your attention to men who do not qualify for your team. You must be aware at all times what your needs are, how men stack up in their ability to meet them, which ones are lagging behind, which ones are ripe for getting kicked off the team. More importantly, you will learn to refine your needs. As you grow, you will see that certain male characteristics you once found valuable are now of no value to you at all. You will learn that most of his valuable characteristics are on his insides, and the inner world of his heart and his mind and his psychological health is something most men protect with their life. They don’t want to reveal that. You will learn how to effectively prod with words or attention to get him to spill what’s on the inside. You must know how he stacks up compared to others inside and out before you give him anything at all.

5) You have nothing unless you have players applying for your team. Lots of men have no rosters because women simply don’t want to play with them. You will figure out through strategy how to put together a valuable team. Dating is a numbers game. I know, most women hate the numbers game, but if you make your own dating rules, you can get numbers to work in your favor. You can’t evaluate a man unless you have plenty of men to compare him too. For that you must have lot’s of experience. Don’t let anyone tell you that having too many men will spoil you. It won’t. In fact, having tons of men will teach you how to wield your own power, and how to put them in their place. Never be afraid of knowledge.

6) Never show them your roster! Men disintegrate very fast once they see that you know yourself, you have an effective strategy, and that they are simply one applicant for your team. In fact, don’t show your roster to women either. No one ever won a game by showing the opposing team their strategy sheet. Keep it to yourself and guard it with your life!

Before you start whining that having a roster is mean, unladylike, shallow, ask yourself how it feels to be on a man’s roster, vying for his attention? It is disheartening, disempowering, an empty place to be. At any minute you could get kicked off the field for not pleasing him better than another player. The reason I encourage all women to create a roster and learn to strategize is to help you shift your focus away from what you must do to get a man, to what should men be doing for me? The roster shows you the losing proposition of waiting for men, chasing them, engaging men who have no inner strength or useful skills, and the winning proposition of setting your own standards, evaluating men by whether they can meet your needs, by rotating them on and off your field.

Your dating life is totally your own creation. If you aren’t happy with your selections it is because you are passively waiting for men to add you to their rosters, and sitting passively through their selection process. You may not realize but your name is listed on a lot of male rosters that you don’t even want to be on. If you want to know how not to be someone’s option, you have to learn how to disengage men swiftly and with ease. Being the nice girl will keep you stuck in a holding pattern.

I no longer have a roster. I no longer need it. It was an extremely valuable lesson, and I am grateful to my male friends who helped me learn how to strategize my dating game. I now have a mental roster. I have learned how to test male character, engage with words, disengage swiftly and clearly, prod and find their insecurities, maintain objective awareness of his insecurities, maintain my state of non-attachment, shut off energy flowing to random men. I feel powerful, confident, self-aware. My life is my candy store. I have had so much candy that I can afford to spit it out. All I want for women is to know how to be more selective, find their power and use it in their own favor. Stop giving your power away to men, you are empowering them, you should be using your own power to propel yourself.

S

 

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Triangulation and Delusions of Insecure Men

This scenario is all too familiar for a lot of grown women.  Your friend is in a frustrationship with a douchebag who isn’t stepping up for her. The douche is messaging, trying to get some alone time with you. He knows you two are close, so why would he contact her friend? Why not target a woman not known to her? Why would any male specifically target his partner’s good friend?

 

Men are insecure, we all know that. My personal theory is that with age women become more confident, while men grow more unsure of themselves. This becomes more apparent at middle age when all humans come in touch with their own mortality, hormonal changes, challenges to the ego, body changes, and loss of attractiveness to the opposite sex. It is a difficult period for both men and women, and we all have to face ourselves in the mirror. A funny thing happens to men at this time. One morning they wake up and look down to notice that their tiny little Jimmy did not rise to greet them. Wtf does this mean? It happens again a few weeks later. He walks into the bathroom, looks down, and there’s more hair than ever on the bathroom floor. The hairline is receding, and months afterward he notices the ladies are no longer chasing, suddenly no one sees him as a catch, girls compare him to dad, and fewer and fewer women are seeking his attention.

 

It is a difficult time for most men, but emotionally insecure men have a harder time dealing with this. If his manhood was derived from the attention he previously got from the opposite sex, and if that attention is now declining, then where is his manhood? If women aren’t willing to validate him, admire him, or worse, if they now challenge his perception of himself, an aging man can become hostile, bitter, vengeful. We have all seen that aspect of manhood. I could write chapters on this subject, but for the purpose of this post, it is enough to say that when men try to pit two women against each other, target their partner’s friend, or seek the attention of inappropriate women, they are operating from a place of deep insecurity.

 

As a grown woman I know that any attention he could pay me is a waste of my time, no one wants attention like that. This has happened to me more times than I care to remember, and it has always resulted in the loss of a very good friend. Most women cannot handle the truth, but what happens more often is that the douchebag twists the situation around to cover his ass, making it look like two women are fighting over him, and he gets to pound his fists on his chest, playing the part of a wanted man.

 

Knowing my friend’s situation, I know that he fails to step up to her level. To be clear, she isn’t seeking commitment from him at all, nor is she angling to get his attention. My friend exceeds him in personal character, career, social standing. She simply wants him to communicate like a grown-up, state what he wants, instead of playing guessing games. She doesn’t see herself getting serious with him at all, she has downgraded him a long time ago to a summer fling.

 

Has this ever happened to you? If I was a brainless twit, I might be flattered by a douchebag’s attention. But I know he isn’t worth a cheap drink in a plastic cup. Thus far I have ignored his requests to hang out. I simply do not answer his messages. I don’t want to answer him because any attention paid to an attention seeker is still attention, and I want to show him that this door is closed.

 

This is not the first time this has happened. I have had friends’ husbands contact me during their divorce declaring they are serious about me. What are men thinking? That I would date a friend’s used goods? That their wife’s friend would jump at an opportunity to date a man being disposed? In the past when I have questioned their motives, all men declared that I should see them as an opportunity. And when I have challenged their delusion, they used my disinterest against me by going back to the wife claiming her friend wants him. This sounds like a ridiculous scenario but I have seen it personally at least a dozen times. This topic has come up in the Goddess private forum, and many women have experienced being placed into a triangle with a good friend and a man they absolutely do not want.

 

So what are men thinking when they seek the attention of their partner’s friend?  I think that men often target friends to make their partner feel insecure, but also to get two women to fight over him, or at least create drama over him. He creates the delusion that two women want him, when in fact neither is taking him seriously. What a way for a man to feel like a man.

 

Why would this particular douche want my friend to feel insecure? Because he can’t do anything for her except provide a little company that she could easily get from anyone else. Because she has always insisted on an open relationship, as she is serious about finding a more satisfying relationship with someone else. Because she is open and honest, has told him where she stands, and that she isn’t looking for anything more. Is his attempt at triangulation working? I am not falling for it at all. At this age I know that an insecure male can’t do anything for either of us.

 

But when I was much younger I used to fall in this trap as do many less experienced women. No, I never pursued a friend’s mate. But I was inexperienced enough to engage with the douchebag or narcissist, to communicate my lack of interest. I falsely believed that if I expressed why his attention was wrong, he would understand and back off. This is always a big mistake, because any communication at all will be used against you. The insecure male would always twist the story around, act as if I had initiated something with him, and his partner would get hurt, which is all part of his plan to extract attention from her. And in every case, the douche would then cause drama between two friends and get off on the fact that there are two women causing a ruckus over him which was never the case.

 

Psychologists call this behavior triangulation. I won’t go into it here, it is a widely known concept used by narcissists and emotional manipulators to make women vie for them. Even when women are too mature to fight over him, he will still extract a little boost for himself, knowing that he at least emotionally wounded one of them. Any display of pain or grief over the situation strokes his ego.

 

The situation with my friend has not gone that far, but the unwanted attention I have gotten in the past from friends’ spouses and significant others has taught me how to deal with them. These are not men. I call them emotional midgets. We all get insecure sometime, but these people seek to build their manhood from attention they get from women. This can work when he is young, sexually relevant, and a viable candidate. But after a certain age, women stop pursuing men. When men are psychologically healthy, they learn to cope, accept and adapt to their new reality. When men are not healthy, they seek to trigger women into extracting attention from them. Creating competition or conflict between two friends is a sure way to extract a bit of manhood from a situation.

 

There are thousands of ways that both sexes manipulate each other to validate themselves. Triangulation is just one of them. Unfortunately, many women unwittingly fall for this, and end up serving only his ego. If you are in a situation where you are receiving inappropriate attention from a friend’s partner, understand that you are not dealing with a genuine man. Any attention you get from him is just bait.

 

If you find yourself triangulated, the worst thing that you can do is engage him in conversation. He wants your engagement, he wants your attention regardless if it is positive or negative. His weak ego feeds off attention, so it doesn’t matter whether you eagerly pursue him or express disgust- he just got your attention. The best thing to do is no engagement at all. Do not answer texts, do not respond to invitations at all.

 

Whether you tell your friend depends on her level of maturity and her level of emotional involvement with him. That’s your call. But know that a lot of women protect insecure men rather than expose them, and there is a high likelihood she will choose him. She might even choose to protect her own ego rather than face the emotional discomfort of facing the friend her partner pretends to prefer.

 

Emotional manipulation is a trademark of an unevolved person. This is something children do as they learn to relate and find their place in the world. This is not the level that healthy grownups relate to each other.  Unfortunately, it takes many uncomfortable situations and losses of friendships to learn that this is not a man by any stretch of the imagination. That attention is toxic and accepting it will only harm you. Extract yourself from the situation quietly and without drama. Remember, he is just waiting for the drama to start.  Don’t feed his ego.

 

S

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Do You Accept Half-Assed Relationships?

Do you accept half-assed relationships? Do you accept non-committal, let’s see what happens kind of situations that leave you hanging? Be honest, why do you accept offers of nothing? Why do you go along for the ride? To see what happens? To see if he changes, or offers more of a relationship later? No man has the power to put you in a relationship you don’t want to be in. It is up to you to say yes or no, and only you. If he is dragging, why are you allowing yourself to be dragged? If he is not saying anything, why are you still waiting for him to say something? By waiting, you are becoming passively committed to the wait. You are transferring power to him, so he can decide what he wants.

 

In reality, men have very little power, we hold most of it. But most women have been lead to believe that they have to patiently wait for his offer, to patiently go along with his flow, so that he can sample different relationships, never feel burdened by your needs, and to always let him decide. Girl, the decision is yours, not his. Only a Goddess knows that right from the start. If you are sick of being taken for a ride, it is totally your responsibility, and within your power to not go on any rides until you know exactly where that ride is going. Would you get into a taxi if you didn’t know where the driver is going?

 

Dating has become an opportunity for men to take many shiny objects for a ride, and women to patiently wait for him to decide what he wants. This is ridiculous! You already know what you want, so there’s no need to entertain men who don’t know exactly what they want. YOU. Yes, unless he is totally interested in dating you and only you, then he is wasting your time. If his offer is “no pressure, let’s see what happens”, or “let’s hang out”, then he is not expressing interest in only you. He is giving you an opportunity to be in his circle or on his roster. How good is that offer? It’s useless.

 

You know what kind of a man you want and what kind of a relationship you want already. Admit it, you have a pretty clear idea of what that would look like. A man must demonstrate that he is ready, willing and able to be in that kind of relationship, and only with you, before you begin to give him your company. Plenty of men are willing to do that when they are ready. So don’t give chances or hang out with fuck boys who are not ready, don’t know what they want, who are just hanging out, or have multiple women on their roster. You are not a sample, so don’t give him a sample of your company, nor anything at all until he has clearly committed himself to dating only you. It is very easy to say no thanks to half-assed offers of half-assed relationships. Yes, sometimes you have to say No Thank you to that dream man, who doesn’t see you as his dream woman. Just say no. At the very least, if you don’t get him, he will respect you for not accepting a pile of Nothing.  Her are a few examples of half-assed offers, and how to disengage from them.

 

Do you want to hang out sometime? “I hang out with platonic friends, so if you want to be just friends, we can hang out.”

 

My job is stressful, I travel a lot, I just got out of a crazy relationship- means I am not ready for anything. You reply “Sounds like you are going through a very rough time. I’d rather date a man who can fully contribute to a healthy relationship right now.”

 

I don’t want anything serious right now. “It doesn’t sound like you are ready for anything serious. I date men who are ready for something serious”.

 

So, can I call you some time? “It depends on what you want. Do you know exactly what you want?” Sure, I’d like to get to know you, and see what happens. “I’ve dated a lot of “let’s see what happens’. Those men usually don’t amount to much”. But, can’t we still get to know each other? “We’ll start getting to know each other once you know exactly what you want with me”.

 

In all instances, a woman is being offered a half-assed opportunity to hang, to get to know, a hope of some future scenario he isn’t entirely sure of. Now do you see why saying yes to such nonsense gets you taken for a ride, and amounts to nothing? Your responsibility is to determine exactly what he wants, not in general, but what he wants from you. In general, he might want to get married some day. Don’t fall for it, he hasn’t said he would like to marry you. Your responsibility is to know what his current dating status is and if he has other women on his roster. You don’t want to be on anyone’s roster, so you are not going to negotiate anything with him at all. The mistake most women make is they start to negotiate with a man who has no specific interest in just her. You are opening that can of worms all by yourself.

 

Half-assed relationships go both ways. I know plenty of men who don’t know how they got themselves into relationships with women they didn’t want. It all started with ‘hanging’ and not knowing what he wants, and not being serious. A year later, it is the lack of his own clarity and his own unwillingness to ask uncomfortable questions that gets him onto a path that she has already laid out before him. That’s what we all get from giving time to people who don’t know what they want, and negotiating with people we haven’t determined are right for us.

 

People who don’t know what they want, people who are not looking for anything serious, people who just want to hang out, people who are sampling the goods, have absolutely no ability to be what someone who is looking for commitment needs them to be. I admit, I am often the one who is non-committal, and only interested in some fun. There’s nothing wrong with wanting fun and non-monogamy. But, I never take people for a ride. I don’t bread-crumb men, I always state 100% honestly where I stand so there’s no confusion later. Often, men want more time than I want to give them. In my attempt to be perfectly clear, I often state “Just so you know, I have no intention of sleeping with you”. I let him decide if he still wants to keep hanging after he has processed that info.

 

Being taken for a ride goes both ways. You can’t claim men take you for a ride, unless you are willing to get into the car with no clear destination with them.  Accepting half-assed offers from men who are not focused on you but on everyone else, is a sign of a woman who is willing to accept much less than what she wants just for an opportunity to build something with someone, some day. Why would you accept an offer that is deferred to amount to something later?

 

Your job is not to give chances to men who are merely asking for your time, your job is to not negotiate anything with them at all. Even though I go through periods when I am non-committal, when I am interested in dating, I only date men who 1) I have identified as men I want 2) they have clearly stated that they are interested in dating only me and 3) their idea of a proposed relationship matches what I want.  Yes, I have drastically reduced my dating pool of time wasters, dawdlers, I don’t know what I wanters, wishy washies, and pesky fleas. They are never worth anyone’s consideration at all. Quit talking to them.

 

But, accepting a half-assed relationship is your own doing. No man can put you in a relationship or a situation you don’t want to be in. You entertained a feeble offer based on hope, a fantasy, a possible future outcome, an offer that was not based on facts, clear intent, proven character, or truth. When we enter situations with people who just want to wait and see what happens, we usually enter the state of waiting.  That is the wrong situation to be in.

 

S

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Malignant Love and Narcissistic Relationships: How You Create Them Yourself

Magical Thinking: My love is enough. I will love him so much, that I am going to get him to love me.

 

Both men and women believe that their own desire for the other person makes the connection valid. Both men and women believe that the one-sided desire (that non-reciprocated desire), makes the connection real. Both falsely believe that they can “get” somebody to love them.

 

What can you “get” from that other person when you love them one-sidedly? You can get them to take whatever you give. You can get them to accept or tolerate your time and your attention. You can get them to revel in your adoration, affection, physical pleasure. You can get them to enjoy the ego-boost you have created for them. You can get them to display your adoration of them, your affection for them, your devotion to them in public. In essence, you are creating an egoic “love”, a narcissistic “love” where you give adoration and devotion to the other, while he simply enjoys it, and displays it for others to see as proof of his validity.

 

The truth is, that authentic, fully reciprocated love is not about trading affection for love, relationship, or commitment. There is no earning one’s approval, by creating so much love that the other will magically fall in love in equal measure. There is no “getting “ anything. When love is authentic and pure, there is absolutely nothing to be gotten. We love for the feeling of love. Not many people can accept that. They are over-focused on getting something, earning something, qualifying for something, and later, when that object of their affection does not feel the same, they realize that they have poured themselves into the other person, while the other simply drank from their full cup.

 

When you create such a dynamic, you hurt yourself. When you believe that your one-sided interest is enough, you too are demonstrating ego-based love, and your own narcissism. How dare you assume that your self-interest is enough to qualify for the other person? One-sided interest is the shallowest offering of love a human could create. In fact, that narcissistic love is a social perversion causing a lot of social problems and a huge rift in gender relations. What you are watching in the news today is malignant, narcissistic, one-sided desire to satisfy the self.  I have said this many times before, the entire romance and relationship industry is built on “getting” people who don’t want you to want you. There is nothing more low, than relating to others based on what you can get, or on feeding your ego.

 

Yet, most relationships between givers and takers are based on this formula. One person is hungry to satisfy the emptiness within, they seek to satisfy that hunger by pursuing a relationship. They believe that to achieve validation, the must act, earn, chase, pour all of themselves into the other person, to “get” them. They falsely believe that once they get that person, they will be satisfied, they too will feel validated. No one can own another person. Owning a person is called slavery. Have you ever noticed that lovers who own the other, are slaves to the relationship? Why? They have nothing, just an illusion that they have gotten a person who had low interest in them. The slavery to the relationship and the other person is a never ending cycle of giving to get, giving to get, and more giving. They must keep working, giving, trying, standing on their heads, because no amount of work is ever enough to own the affection and loyalty of the other person. The other person is just as hungry. Their emptiness will always be unsatisfied, so they will go wherever there are givers willing to fulfill them. This is your basic codependent relationship.

 

If you are wondering why you always seem to fall into relationships with narcissists, it is because you are a big piece of the puzzle, you are choosing to ignore. You are responsible for the relationships you get into, and your own actions are a signal to beasts who are looking to feed off your attention and affection. Your magical thinking that my love will be enough for him, that your interest in him makes the connection valid, and your willingness to earn him, please him, teach him, protect him, guide him, repair him, support him, feed him, prove loyalty to him, shower him with unconditional love will be enough to create a mutual good feeling, and enough love for both.

 

Think of dating as a round table filled with people who are ready, willing, and able to date you. Each person holds a cup of love in front of them. Each cup holds 2 dl (8 oz) of love. Imagine that you have some love to give, and now you are looking around the table to see who is a good match for you. People who are healthy are looking for an equal. Love in equal measure, is love that can be equally reciprocated. They are likely to choose a person whose love offer is equal to their own level of interest and commitment. Codependents and narcissist are not attracted to equality at all. Women who are attracted to narcissists are often not looking for an equal cup of love because they can’t do anything to fill a full cup. Instead, they are looking to pour themselves into the other person, to throw themselves into the challenge of filling his cup. A full cup and an empty cup are codependents seeking validation from what they can do for the other. I can fill your cup, and in exchange I will gain validation from being yours. It is no wonder that the starving are most attracted to those who have the most to give.

 

We have all been in relationships with a narcissist more often than we care to remember. Yet, very few people are willing to look within to discover what role am I playing in creating these kinds of relationships. Yes, you too are responsible for the toxicity you bring into your own life, so what are you doing wrong?

 

At the core of your own toxic belief system is the idea that my interest, and my own desire qualify me for the object of my desire. I like him, I love him, I want him, therefore I am the only one who deserves him. That doesn’t sound so toxic when we think of it from the perspective of fulfilling our own needs. There’s nothing wrong with getting what I want, that’s harmless. Now, turn the tables. Most women have been pursued by men they do not want. Most women know what it is like to say no, and have that word quickly dismissed by a hungry, relentless man. Most women know what it is like to have a man they don’t want pursue them so much that they are immediately turned off, frightened, disgusted. Yet, the hungry always believe that their own interest is enough. Malignant love is when the recipient decides to take what the other is willing to give. You want to earn my attention? You want to feed me love? You want to strive for me? You want to die for me? Show me. How far are you willing to go for me? How badly do you want it? Most women who are in this vicious cycle will shower men with endless support and adoration. And a lot men who are in the same cycle are willing to buy love, pay for every moment, buy every kiss with cash. None of these relationships are true. Yet, this is how society teaches us to love. Do something valiant, throw yourself into the ring, give yourself fully, and then you will earn a reward. In the end, there is no villain. Both people are to blame, both are equally responsible. Where there are buyers, there are sellers, and opportunists, and traders of love that is always available for sale.

 

If you find yourself in repeating patterns with narcissists, understand that you are at the core of the problem. Your own beliefs about love are a perfect match to theirs. You must meet, you are drawn to each other like magnets. There is no way out until you learn to de-magnetize yourself, and that takes years of introspection, learning about your own self, breaking your own patterns, and changing your entire belief system about relationships, redefining manhood, weaning yourself off codependency, and establishing your own definition of what a healthy relationship is. That is all your own work. Most humans aren’t willing to do that, because they believe that the next relationship, the next person, the next opportunity will satisfy them. It won’t. Next is just an opportunity for you to drink more of your own poison.

 

Every relationship is a mirror to your inner self. We all refuse to look in that mirror, because we refuse to believe that we are our own creation. If I truly created myself, I would not be so ugly, I would not have such a toxic belief system, I would not be so needy, I would no be so codependent. That mirror is not me! It is you. The other is always the villain, I am always a giver while the other always a taker, he is the narcissist, I’m just a victim. Please, grow up. Until you are willing to study the person in the mirror, you will never understand the self. True power is being able to study your own darkness, go within and face the ugly, accept that this is me, I AM THE PROBLEM that I see in others.

 

Remember, healthy people aren’t seeking to love someone greater than them, someone more than they are, someone who has more to give, someone to rescue them, nor someone they can look up to. Healthy people know their self worth, they know what they can give and what they can’t, so we are always looking for an equal of the same self-knowledge, experience, and level of consciousness. Equality has nothing to do with money, service, or status, equality is of the self. Those of us who are very conscious of who we are on the inside, can easily spot when the other is not our equal, and simply on our doorstep to feed. But people who lack awareness of their own inner world, their true self, have no basis to make an accurate comparison. One partner will always seek someone to fill his empty cup, while the other will seek to pour all herself into that empty, leaking cup. There will never be enough love in their equation.

 

At the core of all your relationships is just you and your own belief system. If you want better relationships, you have to operate from a higher perspective. Love is not what you can do for someone else, nor what they can do for you. You will never get someone using games and mindless tactics. You will never give enough to satisfy the other person. Take a step back, and look in the mirror. What void are you attempting to fill in yourself?

 

S

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Wait To See What He Delivers

“I am waiting to see what you deliver”.

 

I was seeing this guy on and off in the last few years. It was never serious, always causal. We recently reconnected, had a few drinks and without warning he poured his heart out. It all sounded genuine and sincere, unfortunately for him, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I have seen this before. Yes girls, men know how to cry on command to get what they want too. Never fall for crocodile tears. After that chat, he called a few days later and asked “So, do you think we should try again? You don’t seem that thrilled to reconnect”. I said “Your words sounded poetic, I’m waiting to see what you deliver”.

 

My own words made me realize, why don’t women wait for the delivery before they start believing in the sales pitch? Many of us fall for the sales pitch each and every time, we think we bought a Ferrari until he delivers a used clunker to our doorstep. He talked a good talk, he said all the right things, totally got her hopes up, then he stood on the sidelines, and waited for her to create the relationship by herself, push the relationship forward, while he observed what she is willing to do to get it.

 

That’s not how things work for a Goddess. We don’t believe in the sales pitch. If he is pretending to be a Ferrari, he better deliver a masterpiece of a relationship into your driveway BEFORE you start building anything with him, BEFORE you invest emotionally, BEFORE you even take him for a test drive. Some men take women for a test drive, and some dimwits willingly go along. And after the test drive, he is nowhere to be found. Why? If you were a car sales woman, would you hand the keys to a Ferrari to someone who doesn’t qualify for it? No, you would qualify the customer before you hand him the keys.

 

But really, all women should be taking men for a relationship test drive. After all, most men will say anything they think women want to hear, and they will spin tall tales until they get that free test drive. Before you give him anything at all, see what he delivers. If you want a relationship, why not test his relationship skills before you give him anything at all? If you want something long term, or if you want commitment, why not get commitment first before you start committing yourself? We make it too easy on men by letting them earn us just by going through the motions of a few dates. Why not test drive him in a relationship, and demand to see what he delivers in terms of a healthy relationship before you even consider making any effort at all?

 

Take it from someone who has been around the block a few times. 99.99% of nice guys are not who they claim to be. They may be nice, but they’ve got nothing a real woman wants.  The vast majority cannot meet your needs even if they did their absolute best. The smart thing to do is to see what they can actually do, before making any effort at all.

 

You’ve heard the phrase ‘Show me the money’, well every woman should be asking “Show me the relationship” and taking careful notes about what he delivers, weather his delivery pleases you, weather it is enough for you, could you find someone who could do it better. All those questions should be answered with a crystal clear demonstration, before you enter this relationship at all.

 

If what you want is a 100% committed relationship, then test him on his commitment. If he is demonstrating that he is 100% committed, then he has no time to test drive any other women. You will know it the minute he goes missing. Why do women give men what they want on the 3rd date, if they have not yet received what they asked for?

 

You should only be dating what I call the 100%-ers, the men who are 100% ready to demonstrate their genuineness and sincerity. But, please don’t make this the basis for your selection. ALL men will offer 100% commitment up front when you are out of their league, if they can’t get anyone better, if they haven’t much success in dating, if women ignore them, if they are too old to be relevant to women. You do NOT want to select from any of these. If they are not worth any woman’s time, they are not worth yours. So don’t be fooled by commitment. Any old dog will be loyal when no one else is willing to feed him.

 

You want 100% commitment only from the men you have identified yourself as sleepable, datable, relatable, and qualified to be with you. That is a very small percentage of the population. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to give every guy asking for your attention any time at all. You should spend most of your time NOT dating, but sifting and sorting through the males who are strong candidates. This takes a lot of self-awareness and an understanding of who you are on the inside. You cannot properly assess who complements you unless you know your personal strengths and weaknesses, your emotions, and your own psyche. If you don’t know that, every man will disappoint you.

 

It does not serve you to date traditionally at all. I will write more on this later, but for now let’s say that rather than going out on dates and seeing who is willing to go through the motions with you, stop dating completely. Instead, spend most of your time getting to know vast circles of men socially. You don’t need a date, what you need are males you have qualified with your own senses, attraction points and desires to merely be in your company. You don’t need dinner and a drink, what you need is to assess how relatable they are, how genuine or phony they are, who they are at their core, how do they relate to other women, what is their m.o.?

 

You will gather more relevant information about men if you get to know them on a social level without any promise of dating involved. And you can easily filter out 99% of the phonies or people who don’t meet your needs without going through the motion of dating. Traditional dating is exhausting, and by following the blueprint of traditional dating, you will always fall into that trap where you have to deliver the test drive long before he has proven himself as a man. Don’t fall into that trap.

 

Make your own rules, follow them, honor them, and never apologize for them. Spend years identifying, then sharpening what you want. Never be in a hurry to select a man at all. There is no shortage of men in the universe, you were only taught to believe in the scarcity.

 

Once you have a pool of sleepable, datable, relatable men, this is the time to see what they can deliver. You can test all of them at the same time, as long as you want, because you are not sleeping with any of them, until they have demonstrated they are adept at healthy relationships. You want them to communicate clearly, show up on time each and every time, be exactly who they claimed to be, demonstrate longevity, prove relatability, show their humanity, vulnerability, a healthy and an open heart and mind. You need to know his dating history and to understand whether he has satisfied any other women at all. If he couldn’t satisfy them, what makes you think he will be enough for you? If he spent most of his dating life running away from women, why do you think he will stop running for you? Yes, that’s a tall order, but these are basic traits of a human you want to give your attention to.

 

As mentioned earlier, it is very important that you do not select from the lowest common denominator. A lot of men will commit to a 100% up front, because they have run out of options. Contrary to what most males are willing to admit, women aren’t chasing them, no one is demanding to marry them, and they will offer 100% to whoever is willing to give them a chance. Don’t be a bottom feeder, you will regret eating from the floor.

 

Instead, create your own pool of datable men that you have selected by your own standards. Do NOT allow non-datable men into your clean pool. Not even as a friend. They will quickly piss in your pool. Develop your own dating rules, and screen them long before you go on the first date. You should be test-driving every man’s relationship abilities and measuring his performance. He doesn’t have a date until he has proven he can deliver. There is no reason to hurry, there’s plenty of time to sift and sort through who suits you and who is falling short.

 

A girl will list herself on Tinder, and show up on a date as soon as he clicks her button. A woman will ask tough questions, and state what she wants clearly. She won’t play games. A Goddess will not validate any man at all. He is either on her level, or he gets no attention at all.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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Why People Ignore And Blow You Off

A question came from a male reader: “Why do women ignore me? Why do people ignore me, disconnect, or blow me off?”  I get asked this same question from women all the time, and I give them the same answer. I firmly believe that men and women have exactly the same needs, we are human after all. We are simply conditioned to express our needs and satisfy them via different culturally accepted methods. Much of my advice applies to both sexes, as we all seek to be understood, respected and valued.

 

There are people out there who are often ignored, especially by the opposite sex. I am sure they are all nice people, both the ignored and the ignorer are simply seeking something other than what is being offered. I don’t think that the ignored are victims of cold heartless people, I do see them as humans who often ignore themselves.

 

We all seek what we don’t have. The needy, seek to have their needs met by others. The insecure, seek security through others, and neglect to work on themselves to become more secure on the inside. The lonely, seek company from others when they fail to recognize the self as their source of true friendship.

 

You can’t ignore a person who isn’t ignoring themselves. It is impossible. So what is happening when a person is constantly being ignored? They are ignoring their Self. How?

 

I asked my reader, let’s call him Robert, to describe the most recent situation in which he was being ignored. He is a nurse who works in a big hospital and is very well liked by others. Though his friends and colleagues adore him, appreciate his kindness and endless positive energy, they often dismiss him, turn their backs, or decline offers to hang out after work. So this kind, nice guy often feels like he is constantly giving, and receiving nothing but cold shoulders in return. Recently, two pretty nurses joined his team and naturally Robert was eager to get to know them. He made them feel welcome by baking his special banana bread, bringing in coffee, and helping them out during their first week. That’s all very nice. Most of us would appreciate such gestures from our coworkers.

 

He then asked one of the nurses out on a date, she seemed very uncomfortable and changed the subject. A few hours later, he caught her when she was less busy, and asked her again. She said something polite, turned around and walked away. He then caught her at the end of her shift to tell her he didn’t mean anything by it, sorry if he offended her, and asked if they could hang out sometime. He got a “sorry I can’t” which didn’t quite satisfy him.  The next day, he baked his grandmother’s zucchini bread, brought it to work, the nurses said Thank You, but this time they were less eager to chat with him. This continued for a couple of weeks, and he noticed that each time he tried to organize a lunch with the new nurses, invite them to a social gathering, his daughter’s soccer game, they grew colder and less interested in giving him any attention at all. What did Robert do to turn them off?

 

Before I explain how he is ignoring himself, it is more important to state that he ignored the nurse the very first time she turned away, changed the subject and walked out of the room. Though she may not have been blunt and said No to his face, her actions clearly implied No. When people are interested in engaging you, they don’t turn their backs to you, when they are interested in spending time, they don’t change the subject at the mere suggestion of going out, and they don’t walk away. Robert ignored her ‘No’ multiple times. The more she kept ignoring him, the more he started pursuing her with repeated invitations and gifts of baked goods. This is a guy who doesn’t believe what his eyes and ears see and hear: No. His brain processed none of this, so he continued to pursue. People who easily dismiss what their senses pick up,  are willingly ignoring reality, and creating a delusion that the other person must want to be chased, that the ‘No’ is an invitation to play a cat and mouse game, or a con to get more gifts or baked goods out of them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lack of interest is always lack of interest.

 

So, how is Robert ignoring himself?  Let’s go back to that first moment, when he asked the nurse out on a date. Her first response was to change the subject, turn around and walk away. Stop! In this moment, most of us would have felt discomfort. It does not feel good to be dismissed, it does not feel good to be walked away from. Most healthy humans would at this point realize this is not a pleasant situation to be in, and our self-respect would restrain us from pursuing them more. Yes, healthy people have a very strong sense of self-respect and personal pride which prevent us from doing things that are demeaning, embarrassing, and make us look desperate. Healthy people accept the word No, the very first time they see and hear it. Healthy people respect No. Healthy people don’t run after what doesn’t want them. Unhealthy people will turn No into a delusion that makes them think: She didn’t mean that, she doesn’t know what she wants, let me go ask her again, she will change her mind if I keep asking. They lose sight of how this delusion makes them look: desperate. They don’t even care that by following someone who is seeking to disconnect, they are embarrassing themselves. Their pride, and self-respect switch is turned off.

 

In that first moment when Robert decided to ignore the nurse’s lack of interest, he ignored his self-respect, he ignored his pride, and started chasing a person who clearly did not want him. The more he continued to pursue her interest, approval, and a date, the more he dismissed his own pride and his self-worth. He felt bad being dismissed, so rather than acknowledge his own negative feelings, he ignored them. He thought he will feel better if he can just get her to say yes to something, anything at all. So, rather than tend to his own self-esteem, he ignored it and continued to show lack of self-worth by bringing gifts and asking for her time and attention over and over again. People with low self-esteem cannot accept evidence that the object of their desire is not interested. So when someone tells them No, they either label that person a villain or they dismiss them.

 

To be clear, women do this too. Many women will become fixated only on that man who is ignoring them, and pursue a relationship even if there isn’t one, even if the logical side of her brain tells her that he is not the kind of man she wants, even if deep down she knows she doesn’t want him at all. What sickens me is that the dating industry encourages this behavior. We are all sold this idea that the disinterested could become interested if just the right technique is applied, we all believe that perseverance against the word No will win us that object of our desire, and that chasing and persistence will eventually pay off with a big reward. No, you will come off as a stalker and completely turn off the person who never valued you to begin with.

 

Self-respect is the most attractive characteristic any human can have. It shows that we are healthy, that we like ourselves, that we have pride. It prevents us from doing things which dishonor ourselves. It helps us stand up straight, look people in the eye, demonstrate confidence, but most of all, it shows that I do not grovel, I do not submit, I do not demean myself for your approval.

 

When we don’t cultivate the Self, when we don’t know our Self, make friends with it, respect or honor it, we are ignoring the most important aspect of who we are. If there is no Self, the person is just an empty shell seeking an identity, approval, or worth from other people. They don’t just ignore what is missing within them, they break people’s boundaries, do demeaning stuff like chase those who do not want to be pursued, and persist in maintaining their own delusions.

 

At the very core of this is a human who refuses to hear the word No. When you tell a dog No, if it is well trained, it will back off and sit down. That is what is expected the first time we hear No. If the dog is rabid, it will attack and pursue anything that moves, regardless of whether it is appropriate to chase. That rabid dog is a threat to our health. Often rabid animals are put down. Most experts will tell you that rabid dog is better off dead. It sounds cruel, but it is true. A person who ignores the word No, is a threat to our personal safety. Everyone (not just women) will seek to separate in that situation.

 

Think about that. Of what value is a human who cannot honor the boundaries of others? Of what value is a lover who exists solely to consume you? Of what value is a partner who doesn’t respect him or herself? Of what value are people who consistently ignore their pride, their honor and their own self-respect? Do you see why healthy humans seek to avoid them?

 

When I pointed out to Robert how he is ignoring himself, he became uncomfortably silent. He really didn’t see that he was broadcasting to the whole world that he did not value himself. No one will value you unless you find within yourself that which is most valuable. You must first satisfy yourself with your own company, your own self-love, build your pride and your dignity to such high levels that chasing others feels undignified. Only then will your attention be welcomed by others, and only then will you qualify for healthy relationships.

 

So what should you do if people are ignoring you, dismissing you, and blowing you off? The first thing to do is to stop yourself from pursuing, seeking their attention, or asking for more of their time. Understand that in those very first moments that you are being rejected, your mind and body are telling you something that you have been ignoring for a very long time. Rejection hurts, but groveling, begging for time and attention, and chasing those who do not want us is demeaning. You have been ignoring your self-worth for a very long time, so you are probably used to seeking justice for yourself, or seeking the approval of others to mask this pain. You falsely believe that once you get them to like you, the pain will stop. It won’t.

 

No one’s love nor attention can cure your missing self-esteem. That is your own work. If you find yourself in this situation, now is not a good time to be in relationships with anyone. People are nice, and they may try to compensate, even overlook your missing self, but sooner or later they will realize that there is nothing they can do for you, and that as a half-person, there is nothing you can do for them.  You will continue to be dismissed and disregarded as a mere nuisance until you develop your own self. Without a self, there is nothing for anyone to regard. Don’t blame other people for that, fix you.

 

If you don’t believe me that all of this work is on you, take a look at other people around you who are also missing their self-esteem. Sometimes, it is easier to see flaws in other people. Have you noticed that people who have no self-respect will often do desperate things to catch other people. Others often refer to them as “desperate”, as they act without any thought of how their actions make them look. Sometimes they are ridiculed, but most often people seek to get away from them.

 

Often, these are very nice people. Robert is the epitome of the nice guy. He is bursting with positive energy, he gives encouragement to all his friends, he is supportive, he listens, he bakes banana bread for his co-workers. Being nice is not enough to earn respect from people, and it never will be. Robert is broadcasting “I have no self-respect. I don’t care that you don’t want me, I don’t care that you don’t need me, I will continue to follow you, asking for your time and approval, until you give it to me”. Don’t be a Robert.

 

When people are dismissing or ignoring you, they are showing you how you are treating yourself. You may be over-focused on others, paying no attention to your Self. You may view their attention and their approval as medicine for whatever ails you. It’s true, you may get a temporary high from the attention of others, but then you need more, and more, and more, and it’s not their job to feed you. At a certain point, your needs will drain them, and they will blow you off.

 

There are countless articles out there about the toxic prevalence of ghosting, but none of them point out to the victim, “hey, maybe it’s your fault that you are consistently being ghosted”. Maybe you have an off-putting habit that other people seek to get away from. Maybe you feed off other people’s attention, maybe you seek justice for yourself by chasing their approval. Maybe you feel like you are not enough, so you drain people by expecting them to fulfill you. Maybe you can’t accept No for an answer. Just maybe, the problem is you.

 

I am a big fan of self-responsibility and seeking answers within ourselves rather than demanding that other people be what we need them to be. Life is all about learning about ourselves, learning from our own mistakes, and shaping ourselves into the kind of people others can find value in. If you are consistently being dismissed, the solution is entirely within you.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Win The Mind Game

Create confusion. Keep him guessing. Make him wonder. Be hot and cold. Sure, play mind games with men, but then don’t complain when they pull one on you. Juvenile games lead to juvenile relationships. If you participate in texting games, mind games, and if you study techniques on how to get uninterested people to chase you, then you are a part of the problem. Let’s call that problem toxic dating.

Do you realize that as you are scheming how to get him addicted to you, you are the one becoming addicted? Do you see that when you mess with someone’s mind trying to get someone uninterested to fall head over heels for you, it is your mind that is left spinning in the end? Sorry, but we all deserve it. Intelligent people fall for emotional manipulation, but it is rarely the one you intend to manipulate, it is almost always you. I guess you can call that karma.

Games begin the very first time we try to participate in the game. What’s the harm in replying to that cryptic text? Maybe I should give him a chance to clarify? Maybe if I just send one mysterious text, he will know that he has met his match. We all get sucked into the craziness, then blame the other for playing games, and not being an adult.

I always thought that dating techniques were simple manipulation for emotionally stunted people who can’t state clearly ‘Yes, I like you’, ‘No, I am not interested in dating you’, ‘Yes, I would like to see you again’, ‘No, I don’t think we have enough chemistry’. We all crave honesty, clarity, and people who are healthy and respectful of our time. So, if we want that from others, shouldn’t the only technique we practice be honesty? Isn’t that clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ‘I like you very much’, ”I’m not into you’ the only the only thing we owe the other person?

Not everybody likes being as blunt as I am, I respect that. But everybody is capable of giving the other person clarity up front, and acting as honestly as possible. Ghosting, or timing texts so they pop up in Morse code is just plain juvenile. I text with men exactly the way I exchange messages with good friends. “I’m free, tell me when and where’. Needless to say, if I show up it means that I am interested, and that I want to be there. There’s no mind game involved. And if I am not into somebody, he gets one clear No, without any mixed signals added to that No. I would never meet a man for any reason if I am not interested in dating him. I would never “explore the possibility” of something if I am interested in nothing. I would never lead someone on and allow him to take me out, when I know he has no chance. Many women do that, but later they wonder why men lead them on. It takes two to tango. If you want honesty, be honest. If you don’t want people who want nothing serious to lead you on, you have the responsibility to not let men take you out if you don’t want them.  Don’t leave things ambiguous.

A man can’t play a game, unless you play with him. If you want people to stop playing games with you, stop participating. It is amazing how serious people with clear intentions start speaking in complete sentences when they are truly serious about you. When a person can’t state what their intentions are, it is because they don’t want anything serious, or they want to see if you will accept a half-assed offer.

Understand that both men and women who relate to others by playing games aren’t healthy. They don’t do so to win a quality relationship, they play the game because they are addicted to the game. Any person who will rope you into a relationship with silence is a manipulator. No exceptions. And if you start playing, you can’t claim to be an innocent victim.  Having crashed multiple times at the game, it dawned on me that I have never gotten a healthy man out of a mind game player. I also realized that every time I met a healthy, honest man, he approached me with clear intentions, honest communication, and follow through. His words always matched his actions. He was not offended by my blunt honesty, he appreciated it. Boring, I know. But, that’s how humans of sound mind communicate.

Your job is to clearly state what you want, then to wait for the other person to either confirm exactly that, or show you they are a douche with a cryptic, dubious reply. The very first time you receive a nonsensical text, or a response after ten days that said “my appendix burst, I couldn’t call you”, is the time you stop playing. Conversation over.

Imagine if you are the hiring manager and you received a resume, but your attempts to schedule an interview were a cat and mouse game, and the applicant was making you chase him. Would you give that person the job? A man is applying for your time. If he is wasting your time while texting, he is showing you that he IS a waste of time. You don’t need to outsmart him at his mind game, you just have to stop texting. Application denied. This applicant is not qualified. Next.

If you want to win at mind-games, you don’t need to buy the latest texting manual.You simply have to go cold turkey and stop communicating with the lunatics.

S

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