Wait To See What He Delivers

“I am waiting to see what you deliver”.

 

I was seeing this guy on and off in the last few years. It was never serious, always causal. We recently reconnected, had a few drinks and without warning he poured his heart out. It all sounded genuine and sincere, unfortunately for him, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I have seen this before. Yes girls, men know how to cry on command to get what they want too. Never fall for crocodile tears. After that chat, he called a few days later and asked “So, do you think we should try again? You don’t seem that thrilled to reconnect”. I said “Your words sounded poetic, I’m waiting to see what you deliver”.

 

My own words made me realize, why don’t women wait for the delivery before they start believing in the sales pitch? Many of us fall for the sales pitch each and every time, we think we bought a Ferrari until he delivers a used clunker to our doorstep. He talked a good talk, he said all the right things, totally got her hopes up, then he stood on the sidelines, and waited for her to create the relationship by herself, push the relationship forward, while he observed what she is willing to do to get it.

 

That’s not how things work for a Goddess. We don’t believe in the sales pitch. If he is pretending to be a Ferrari, he better deliver a masterpiece of a relationship into your driveway BEFORE you start building anything with him, BEFORE you invest emotionally, BEFORE you even take him for a test drive. Some men take women for a test drive, and some dimwits willingly go along. And after the test drive, he is nowhere to be found. Why? If you were a car sales woman, would you hand the keys to a Ferrari to someone who doesn’t qualify for it? No, you would qualify the customer before you hand him the keys.

 

But really, all women should be taking men for a relationship test drive. After all, most men will say anything they think women want to hear, and they will spin tall tales until they get that free test drive. Before you give him anything at all, see what he delivers. If you want a relationship, why not test his relationship skills before you give him anything at all? If you want something long term, or if you want commitment, why not get commitment first before you start committing yourself? We make it too easy on men by letting them earn us just by going through the motions of a few dates. Why not test drive him in a relationship, and demand to see what he delivers in terms of a healthy relationship before you even consider making any effort at all?

 

Take it from someone who has been around the block a few times. 99.99% of nice guys are not who they claim to be. They may be nice, but they’ve got nothing a real woman wants.  The vast majority cannot meet your needs even if they did their absolute best. The smart thing to do is to see what they can actually do, before making any effort at all.

 

You’ve heard the phrase ‘Show me the money’, well every woman should be asking “Show me the relationship” and taking careful notes about what he delivers, weather his delivery pleases you, weather it is enough for you, could you find someone who could do it better. All those questions should be answered with a crystal clear demonstration, before you enter this relationship at all.

 

If what you want is a 100% committed relationship, then test him on his commitment. If he is demonstrating that he is 100% committed, then he has no time to test drive any other women. You will know it the minute he goes missing. Why do women give men what they want on the 3rd date, if they have not yet received what they asked for?

 

You should only be dating what I call the 100%-ers, the men who are 100% ready to demonstrate their genuineness and sincerity. But, please don’t make this the basis for your selection. ALL men will offer 100% commitment up front when you are out of their league, if they can’t get anyone better, if they haven’t much success in dating, if women ignore them, if they are too old to be relevant to women. You do NOT want to select from any of these. If they are not worth any woman’s time, they are not worth yours. So don’t be fooled by commitment. Any old dog will be loyal when no one else is willing to feed him.

 

You want 100% commitment only from the men you have identified yourself as sleepable, datable, relatable, and qualified to be with you. That is a very small percentage of the population. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to give every guy asking for your attention any time at all. You should spend most of your time NOT dating, but sifting and sorting through the males who are strong candidates. This takes a lot of self-awareness and an understanding of who you are on the inside. You cannot properly assess who complements you unless you know your personal strengths and weaknesses, your emotions, and your own psyche. If you don’t know that, every man will disappoint you.

 

It does not serve you to date traditionally at all. I will write more on this later, but for now let’s say that rather than going out on dates and seeing who is willing to go through the motions with you, stop dating completely. Instead, spend most of your time getting to know vast circles of men socially. You don’t need a date, what you need are males you have qualified with your own senses, attraction points and desires to merely be in your company. You don’t need dinner and a drink, what you need is to assess how relatable they are, how genuine or phony they are, who they are at their core, how do they relate to other women, what is their m.o.?

 

You will gather more relevant information about men if you get to know them on a social level without any promise of dating involved. And you can easily filter out 99% of the phonies or people who don’t meet your needs without going through the motion of dating. Traditional dating is exhausting, and by following the blueprint of traditional dating, you will always fall into that trap where you have to deliver the test drive long before he has proven himself as a man. Don’t fall into that trap.

 

Make your own rules, follow them, honor them, and never apologize for them. Spend years identifying, then sharpening what you want. Never be in a hurry to select a man at all. There is no shortage of men in the universe, you were only taught to believe in the scarcity.

 

Once you have a pool of sleepable, datable, relatable men, this is the time to see what they can deliver. You can test all of them at the same time, as long as you want, because you are not sleeping with any of them, until they have demonstrated they are adept at healthy relationships. You want them to communicate clearly, show up on time each and every time, be exactly who they claimed to be, demonstrate longevity, prove relatability, show their humanity, vulnerability, a healthy and an open heart and mind. You need to know his dating history and to understand whether he has satisfied any other women at all. If he couldn’t satisfy them, what makes you think he will be enough for you? If he spent most of his dating life running away from women, why do you think he will stop running for you? Yes, that’s a tall order, but these are basic traits of a human you want to give your attention to.

 

As mentioned earlier, it is very important that you do not select from the lowest common denominator. A lot of men will commit to a 100% up front, because they have run out of options. Contrary to what most males are willing to admit, women aren’t chasing them, no one is demanding to marry them, and they will offer 100% to whoever is willing to give them a chance. Don’t be a bottom feeder, you will regret eating from the floor.

 

Instead, create your own pool of datable men that you have selected by your own standards. Do NOT allow non-datable men into your clean pool. Not even as a friend. They will quickly piss in your pool. Develop your own dating rules, and screen them long before you go on the first date. You should be test-driving every man’s relationship abilities and measuring his performance. He doesn’t have a date until he has proven he can deliver. There is no reason to hurry, there’s plenty of time to sift and sort through who suits you and who is falling short.

 

A girl will list herself on Tinder, and show up on a date as soon as he clicks her button. A woman will ask tough questions, and state what she wants clearly. She won’t play games. A Goddess will not validate any man at all. He is either on her level, or he gets no attention at all.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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Why People Ignore And Blow You Off

A question came from a male reader: “Why do women ignore me? Why do people ignore me, disconnect, or blow me off?”  I get asked this same question from women all the time, and I give them the same answer. I firmly believe that men and women have exactly the same needs, we are human after all. We are simply conditioned to express our needs and satisfy them via different culturally accepted methods. Much of my advice applies to both sexes, as we all seek to be understood, respected and valued.

 

There are people out there who are often ignored, especially by the opposite sex. I am sure they are all nice people, both the ignored and the ignorer are simply seeking something other than what is being offered. I don’t think that the ignored are victims of cold heartless people, I do see them as humans who often ignore themselves.

 

We all seek what we don’t have. The needy, seek to have their needs met by others. The insecure, seek security through others, and neglect to work on themselves to become more secure on the inside. The lonely, seek company from others when they fail to recognize the self as their source of true friendship.

 

You can’t ignore a person who isn’t ignoring themselves. It is impossible. So what is happening when a person is constantly being ignored? They are ignoring their Self. How?

 

I asked my reader, let’s call him Robert, to describe the most recent situation in which he was being ignored. He is a nurse who works in a big hospital and is very well liked by others. Though his friends and colleagues adore him, appreciate his kindness and endless positive energy, they often dismiss him, turn their backs, or decline offers to hang out after work. So this kind, nice guy often feels like he is constantly giving, and receiving nothing but cold shoulders in return. Recently, two pretty nurses joined his team and naturally Robert was eager to get to know them. He made them feel welcome by baking his special banana bread, bringing in coffee, and helping them out during their first week. That’s all very nice. Most of us would appreciate such gestures from our coworkers.

 

He then asked one of the nurses out on a date, she seemed very uncomfortable and changed the subject. A few hours later, he caught her when she was less busy, and asked her again. She said something polite, turned around and walked away. He then caught her at the end of her shift to tell her he didn’t mean anything by it, sorry if he offended her, and asked if they could hang out sometime. He got a “sorry I can’t” which didn’t quite satisfy him.  The next day, he baked his grandmother’s zucchini bread, brought it to work, the nurses said Thank You, but this time they were less eager to chat with him. This continued for a couple of weeks, and he noticed that each time he tried to organize a lunch with the new nurses, invite them to a social gathering, his daughter’s soccer game, they grew colder and less interested in giving him any attention at all. What did Robert do to turn them off?

 

Before I explain how he is ignoring himself, it is more important to state that he ignored the nurse the very first time she turned away, changed the subject and walked out of the room. Though she may not have been blunt and said No to his face, her actions clearly implied No. When people are interested in engaging you, they don’t turn their backs to you, when they are interested in spending time, they don’t change the subject at the mere suggestion of going out, and they don’t walk away. Robert ignored her ‘No’ multiple times. The more she kept ignoring him, the more he started pursuing her with repeated invitations and gifts of baked goods. This is a guy who doesn’t believe what his eyes and ears see and hear: No. His brain processed none of this, so he continued to pursue. People who easily dismiss what their senses pick up,  are willingly ignoring reality, and creating a delusion that the other person must want to be chased, that the ‘No’ is an invitation to play a cat and mouse game, or a con to get more gifts or baked goods out of them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lack of interest is always lack of interest.

 

So, how is Robert ignoring himself?  Let’s go back to that first moment, when he asked the nurse out on a date. Her first response was to change the subject, turn around and walk away. Stop! In this moment, most of us would have felt discomfort. It does not feel good to be dismissed, it does not feel good to be walked away from. Most healthy humans would at this point realize this is not a pleasant situation to be in, and our self-respect would restrain us from pursuing them more. Yes, healthy people have a very strong sense of self-respect and personal pride which prevent us from doing things that are demeaning, embarrassing, and make us look desperate. Healthy people accept the word No, the very first time they see and hear it. Healthy people respect No. Healthy people don’t run after what doesn’t want them. Unhealthy people will turn No into a delusion that makes them think: She didn’t mean that, she doesn’t know what she wants, let me go ask her again, she will change her mind if I keep asking. They lose sight of how this delusion makes them look: desperate. They don’t even care that by following someone who is seeking to disconnect, they are embarrassing themselves. Their pride, and self-respect switch is turned off.

 

In that first moment when Robert decided to ignore the nurse’s lack of interest, he ignored his self-respect, he ignored his pride, and started chasing a person who clearly did not want him. The more he continued to pursue her interest, approval, and a date, the more he dismissed his own pride and his self-worth. He felt bad being dismissed, so rather than acknowledge his own negative feelings, he ignored them. He thought he will feel better if he can just get her to say yes to something, anything at all. So, rather than tend to his own self-esteem, he ignored it and continued to show lack of self-worth by bringing gifts and asking for her time and attention over and over again. People with low self-esteem cannot accept evidence that the object of their desire is not interested. So when someone tells them No, they either label that person a villain or they dismiss them.

 

To be clear, women do this too. Many women will become fixated only on that man who is ignoring them, and pursue a relationship even if there isn’t one, even if the logical side of her brain tells her that he is not the kind of man she wants, even if deep down she knows she doesn’t want him at all. What sickens me is that the dating industry encourages this behavior. We are all sold this idea that the disinterested could become interested if just the right technique is applied, we all believe that perseverance against the word No will win us that object of our desire, and that chasing and persistence will eventually pay off with a big reward. No, you will come off as a stalker and completely turn off the person who never valued you to begin with.

 

Self-respect is the most attractive characteristic any human can have. It shows that we are healthy, that we like ourselves, that we have pride. It prevents us from doing things which dishonor ourselves. It helps us stand up straight, look people in the eye, demonstrate confidence, but most of all, it shows that I do not grovel, I do not submit, I do not demean myself for your approval.

 

When we don’t cultivate the Self, when we don’t know our Self, make friends with it, respect or honor it, we are ignoring the most important aspect of who we are. If there is no Self, the person is just an empty shell seeking an identity, approval, or worth from other people. They don’t just ignore what is missing within them, they break people’s boundaries, do demeaning stuff like chase those who do not want to be pursued, and persist in maintaining their own delusions.

 

At the very core of this is a human who refuses to hear the word No. When you tell a dog No, if it is well trained, it will back off and sit down. That is what is expected the first time we hear No. If the dog is rabid, it will attack and pursue anything that moves, regardless of whether it is appropriate to chase. That rabid dog is a threat to our health. Often rabid animals are put down. Most experts will tell you that rabid dog is better off dead. It sounds cruel, but it is true. A person who ignores the word No, is a threat to our personal safety. Everyone (not just women) will seek to separate in that situation.

 

Think about that. Of what value is a human who cannot honor the boundaries of others? Of what value is a lover who exists solely to consume you? Of what value is a partner who doesn’t respect him or herself? Of what value are people who consistently ignore their pride, their honor and their own self-respect? Do you see why healthy humans seek to avoid them?

 

When I pointed out to Robert how he is ignoring himself, he became uncomfortably silent. He really didn’t see that he was broadcasting to the whole world that he did not value himself. No one will value you unless you find within yourself that which is most valuable. You must first satisfy yourself with your own company, your own self-love, build your pride and your dignity to such high levels that chasing others feels undignified. Only then will your attention be welcomed by others, and only then will you qualify for healthy relationships.

 

So what should you do if people are ignoring you, dismissing you, and blowing you off? The first thing to do is to stop yourself from pursuing, seeking their attention, or asking for more of their time. Understand that in those very first moments that you are being rejected, your mind and body are telling you something that you have been ignoring for a very long time. Rejection hurts, but groveling, begging for time and attention, and chasing those who do not want us is demeaning. You have been ignoring your self-worth for a very long time, so you are probably used to seeking justice for yourself, or seeking the approval of others to mask this pain. You falsely believe that once you get them to like you, the pain will stop. It won’t.

 

No one’s love nor attention can cure your missing self-esteem. That is your own work. If you find yourself in this situation, now is not a good time to be in relationships with anyone. People are nice, and they may try to compensate, even overlook your missing self, but sooner or later they will realize that there is nothing they can do for you, and that as a half-person, there is nothing you can do for them.  You will continue to be dismissed and disregarded as a mere nuisance until you develop your own self. Without a self, there is nothing for anyone to regard. Don’t blame other people for that, fix you.

 

If you don’t believe me that all of this work is on you, take a look at other people around you who are also missing their self-esteem. Sometimes, it is easier to see flaws in other people. Have you noticed that people who have no self-respect will often do desperate things to catch other people. Others often refer to them as “desperate”, as they act without any thought of how their actions make them look. Sometimes they are ridiculed, but most often people seek to get away from them.

 

Often, these are very nice people. Robert is the epitome of the nice guy. He is bursting with positive energy, he gives encouragement to all his friends, he is supportive, he listens, he bakes banana bread for his co-workers. Being nice is not enough to earn respect from people, and it never will be. Robert is broadcasting “I have no self-respect. I don’t care that you don’t want me, I don’t care that you don’t need me, I will continue to follow you, asking for your time and approval, until you give it to me”. Don’t be a Robert.

 

When people are dismissing or ignoring you, they are showing you how you are treating yourself. You may be over-focused on others, paying no attention to your Self. You may view their attention and their approval as medicine for whatever ails you. It’s true, you may get a temporary high from the attention of others, but then you need more, and more, and more, and it’s not their job to feed you. At a certain point, your needs will drain them, and they will blow you off.

 

There are countless articles out there about the toxic prevalence of ghosting, but none of them point out to the victim, “hey, maybe it’s your fault that you are consistently being ghosted”. Maybe you have an off-putting habit that other people seek to get away from. Maybe you feed off other people’s attention, maybe you seek justice for yourself by chasing their approval. Maybe you feel like you are not enough, so you drain people by expecting them to fulfill you. Maybe you can’t accept No for an answer. Just maybe, the problem is you.

 

I am a big fan of self-responsibility and seeking answers within ourselves rather than demanding that other people be what we need them to be. Life is all about learning about ourselves, learning from our own mistakes, and shaping ourselves into the kind of people others can find value in. If you are consistently being dismissed, the solution is entirely within you.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Win The Mind Game

Create confusion. Keep him guessing. Make him wonder. Be hot and cold. Sure, play mind games with men, but then don’t complain when they pull one on you. Juvenile games lead to juvenile relationships. If you participate in texting games, mind games, and if you study techniques on how to get uninterested people to chase you, then you are a part of the problem. Let’s call that problem toxic dating.

Do you realize that as you are scheming how to get him addicted to you, you are the one becoming addicted? Do you see that when you mess with someone’s mind trying to get someone uninterested to fall head over heels for you, it is your mind that is left spinning in the end? Sorry, but we all deserve it. Intelligent people fall for emotional manipulation, but it is rarely the one you intend to manipulate, it is almost always you. I guess you can call that karma.

Games begin the very first time we try to participate in the game. What’s the harm in replying to that cryptic text? Maybe I should give him a chance to clarify? Maybe if I just send one mysterious text, he will know that he has met his match. We all get sucked into the craziness, then blame the other for playing games, and not being an adult.

I always thought that dating techniques were simple manipulation for emotionally stunted people who can’t state clearly ‘Yes, I like you’, ‘No, I am not interested in dating you’, ‘Yes, I would like to see you again’, ‘No, I don’t think we have enough chemistry’. We all crave honesty, clarity, and people who are healthy and respectful of our time. So, if we want that from others, shouldn’t the only technique we practice be honesty? Isn’t that clear ‘yes’ or ‘no’, ‘I like you very much’, ”I’m not into you’ the only the only thing we owe the other person?

Not everybody likes being as blunt as I am, I respect that. But everybody is capable of giving the other person clarity up front, and acting as honestly as possible. Ghosting, or timing texts so they pop up in Morse code is just plain juvenile. I text with men exactly the way I exchange messages with good friends. “I’m free, tell me when and where’. Needless to say, if I show up it means that I am interested, and that I want to be there. There’s no mind game involved. And if I am not into somebody, he gets one clear No, without any mixed signals added to that No. I would never meet a man for any reason if I am not interested in dating him. I would never “explore the possibility” of something if I am interested in nothing. I would never lead someone on and allow him to take me out, when I know he has no chance. Many women do that, but later they wonder why men lead them on. It takes two to tango. If you want honesty, be honest. If you don’t want people who want nothing serious to lead you on, you have the responsibility to not let men take you out if you don’t want them.  Don’t leave things ambiguous.

A man can’t play a game, unless you play with him. If you want people to stop playing games with you, stop participating. It is amazing how serious people with clear intentions start speaking in complete sentences when they are truly serious about you. When a person can’t state what their intentions are, it is because they don’t want anything serious, or they want to see if you will accept a half-assed offer.

Understand that both men and women who relate to others by playing games aren’t healthy. They don’t do so to win a quality relationship, they play the game because they are addicted to the game. Any person who will rope you into a relationship with silence is a manipulator. No exceptions. And if you start playing, you can’t claim to be an innocent victim.  Having crashed multiple times at the game, it dawned on me that I have never gotten a healthy man out of a mind game player. I also realized that every time I met a healthy, honest man, he approached me with clear intentions, honest communication, and follow through. His words always matched his actions. He was not offended by my blunt honesty, he appreciated it. Boring, I know. But, that’s how humans of sound mind communicate.

Your job is to clearly state what you want, then to wait for the other person to either confirm exactly that, or show you they are a douche with a cryptic, dubious reply. The very first time you receive a nonsensical text, or a response after ten days that said “my appendix burst, I couldn’t call you”, is the time you stop playing. Conversation over.

Imagine if you are the hiring manager and you received a resume, but your attempts to schedule an interview were a cat and mouse game, and the applicant was making you chase him. Would you give that person the job? A man is applying for your time. If he is wasting your time while texting, he is showing you that he IS a waste of time. You don’t need to outsmart him at his mind game, you just have to stop texting. Application denied. This applicant is not qualified. Next.

If you want to win at mind-games, you don’t need to buy the latest texting manual.You simply have to go cold turkey and stop communicating with the lunatics.

S

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The Power of Failing at Love, Again and Again

How many times have you been married or divorced? How many times have you experienced a “failed” relationship? Do you feel “unsuccessful” at relationships? Why do other people have their forever love, but you keep failing over and over and over?

 

Actually, you are not failing at all. You are doing great! You are an explorer of life, men, and of yourself. There is nothing wrong with you, you are a woman capable of walking away from people and relationships that don’t work. You know that when something isn’t working out for you, you are not going to settle for it, acquiesce. The fact that you keep marching forward means that you are seeking people and situations that will help you evolve, discover yourself, heal yourself, teach you new lessons. Is that why you feel so guilty?

 

Ending relationships is not failure. Staying stuck in them is. Knowing how to disengage from situations that are harmful, or not in your best interest is one of the most important lessons a Goddess can learn in her life. It is not a disgrace, it is a power. How powerless people feel when their best efforts to topple you and bring you down to their level fail? Or, how powerless does a woman feel when she cannot afford to leave? Power, is mastery over the self. You know when you have learned your lesson, you know when you have discovered a past toxic pattern and released it, you know when someone can’t measure up to the work you have done on yourself, you know when someone is not your equal, and you move on quickly, easily and with no regret.

 

If you are feeling guilty about acting in your own self interest, please don’t. You should only feel guilty when your decisions are keeping you stuck, or hurting the self. Sure, people will try to make you feel guilty for having your freedom, self-possession, a strong head on your shoulders and the power to say No. There is no one more feared than a woman who feels no need to explain herself, apologize or feel guilty. Most people who can’t do that for themselves will tell you that there is something wrong with you. It’s not normal for a woman to be so free, so self-assured, so unapologetic. Experts will tell you that a real woman cries, pleads, begs, is a slave to her emotions, a real woman would do anything to keep her man. Nope. Not me. If that’s a real woman, I want no part of that.

 

I am free, I am proud of that. My freedom and my desire for self-mastery have always been my power. Even when I was a little kid, my dad commented “She doesn’t need me. If I left that child out in the street, she would do fine without me”. I was fine, no matter how many people I lost in my life. I was fine post-divorce, and I was finer after the next 20 men failed to please me:) I don’t look at endings as relationship failures, I see them as my winning streak! I am huge at scoring points for always choosing myself. Do you think that I should feel guilty for that? That will never happen.

 

Call me callous, call me cold, call me unfeeling, call me whatever you want, but I came to this planet to experience life and myself in all my glory. No one will stop me from choosing the best moments that life gifts me. Sure, I love men, I love love, and I am always experiencing life from the perspective of love. But love isn’t a binding contract with damning escape clauses, and penalties for failing to give disgruntled lovers compensation every time their ego gets bruised. If I am not a real woman because I can easily move on, make choices that serve me, and don’t chase people, nor crawl on my hands and knees begging to keep them, so be it. I’ll be a Goddess instead.

 

Ladies, don’t feel guilty, don’t feel shame, and never feel bad for choosing you. Every failed relationship is just a situation that didn’t serve you. You moved on, and as a result you found something better each and every time. The fact that you have not found a husband to rope into a contract means that you have not made your selection yet. None of the men I have met post divorce could make me happier than I already was. Even when I was down and out, and my mother insisted that I needed a husband to “rescue me”, I always knew that I can do better for myself.

 

I have dated some very powerful men in my life. The lesson I learned is that I was always much more powerful than they. I always knew that I could do better for myself than they could do for me. So I walked. So what! Is there something wrong with me for saying no thanks to a McMansion, a CEO, a shipping tycoon, a brilliant scientist or anyone society labels as a “real man”? In each and every situation, what I learned is that I am more powerful than all of them, and that none of them could be or do anything for me.  I don’t want what “powerful men” offer, I want Me.  I also learned that men offer things like money, houses, shiny rocks to buy themselves security, respect, admiration and validation from women. I won’t validate you. So, bye.

 

But, the most important lesson I learned from walking away from so many “powerful” men is that I am worth more than all of them.  How many women understand that? Should I feel like a failure for that?

 

Some psychologists call that crazy, reckless, boredom, a woman on a self-destructive mission. Any woman would kill for things like husband, home, and security but she keeps walking away. I assure you I have no intention of destroying this awesome life I have built for myself. I do have an intention to enjoy this. Some day, I will be with The One, and I will be crazy in love with him, in fact I have been crazy in love many times, and only That One could have my commitment. But why commit to a mere mortal who buys women? And why feel guilty because your friends have tied the knot, signed a contract, while you are still moving on, and moving on, and moving on? Be very proud of all your endings. If you have accumulated a huge pile of wounded knights and bleeding princes, it means that in each and every situation you chose You. That’s the only real woman that there is.

 

There is no such thing as a failed relationship. There is only failure to honor yourself, and failure to choose You.

 

No apologies, no regrets.

 

S

 

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When He Doubts He Could Be The Man You Need Him To Be, Believe Him

If he doubts that he is good enough for you, believe him. He knows himself better than you possibly could. He is aware of his own shortcomings, and more likely to know he will disappoint you. If he is reluctant, he has a good reason to be. Leave him alone.

Have you ever tried to empower a guy to approach you? Have you tried to make yourself appear normal, easy, less of a threat so that he could finally muster up the confidence to ask you out on a real date? He needs a clearer signal, or he needs a confidence boost, so you do whatever it takes to show him it’s okay, you’re safe, you won’t hurt him.

Your support is kind and your time is generous, but there is nothing you can do to make someone become anything at a core level. You might boost his confidence temporarily, you might even succeed in helping him approach you by making yourself seem less “threatening” and showing him how easy and approachable you truly are. But coming down to his level, and making yourself available when he doubts what he could possibly be for you will only topple you off your Goddess pedestal.

Rather than empower him to believe you are really not as grand and mighty as he thinks you are, and that you are just the girl next door, let him be nervous. The more he thinks you are out of his reach the easier it is to remain in your power. He might never step forward. It is okay, a man who does not fear you will. He might never make a move because what ever doubt he holds in his mind is valid. A man should doubt whether he could have you. If he were certain of what a sure thing you are, he’d be done with you in a minute. It is always better to be unapproachable, unattainable and out of his reach, because other men will notice you not bending down to his level. Everybody notices the unaffected woman, the one who won’t bend every time the wind blows past. The vast majority of them may not have the courage- be okay with that.

Who do powerful women want? I don’t want the easy guy, I don’t want the one every woman has had, I don’t want the guy who works hard on proving he is a ladies man, and I don’t want the one who doesn’t know what he wants. I don’t want the guy who is insecure, I don’t want the one no woman wants, I don’t want the guy whose ego is boosted by how many women he can have, and I don’t want the one who doubts he can be the man I need him to be. What women want is that One whom everybody wants but no one else can have. Goddesses want that one strong, unshakeable, self-knowing, unbreakable, honorable, clean, dignified, centered, God who isn’t flailing, but is 100% focused on her.

I can afford to let a few doubtful men slide out of my sphere of consciousness. What could they possibly do for me? That doubter who doesn’t know what he wants can only bring me his problems: his insecurities, his exes, his child support battles, his neurotic mother, his self-doubt, his inconsistencies, his mind games to my table. I have no use for such things.

I have proved to myself that I can create that spectacular life I always dreamed of all by myself. It doesn’t take much money, it doesn’t take a rich husband, it doesn’t take other people’s support, all it takes is confidence, self-appreciation, and knowing that I am totally worth everything I am currently enjoying. So, if he can’t step up, why would you want him? That guy who is flailing should be with a girl his own size. Leave the apprehensive ones to the amateurs.

The amazing thing that happens when you leave the undecideds alone, is that they get bored very easily with women on their own level. They are easy, uninspiring, pliable, childish, empty. A mindless twit can only satisfy a male whose ego depends on her validation. He could never be enough for you.

So if a man is reluctant, don’t take it personally. It does not mean that you are not enough at all. It means he doesn’t think he could be as big, strong and powerful as a woman of your stature would want. Believe him.

S

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Ego Based Relationships & Low Conscious Love

“He should choose me, instead of that bitch”. How many times have you heard a similar statement? “She should be mine, but she doesn’t know what a real man is”.  How many times have you believed that you are the only right choice for your love interest? Are you really? Is that person of interest so ignorant and so incapable of choosing what is best for him? He must be, because he is consistently choosing someone else.

 

It is painful to be the one not chosen. But when we look at the situation objectively, we realize that the only thing that hurts is our own ego. It is immature and quite egotistical to assume that we are in the best interest of the other person, that they are making a mistake choosing someone else, that we are the only right choice, and that there must be something wrong with the guy for not realizing we are the one. It seems laughable when we are looking at someone else express those feelings of resentment toward a man who doesn’t want her, but we have all been there and we have all felt that ego pain.

 

Choosing her is not the wrong choice. He is choosing who suits him and we have to respect other people’s choices. It is quite narcissistic to see ourselves as the only right choice.

 

Ego. We all have one, and sometimes it gets in the way of us realizing our dreams. Often, when we lose something we really, really want, it is because we act on our ego, instead of pure desire and pure love. If we love purely and unconditionally, we would love regardless of what he is doing, regardless of whether people give us what we want, regardless of whether they are willing to fulfill our needs, we would be love.

 

Unconditional love is something we all want, yet very few people are willing to be unconditional about love. Our attachment to what we want turns into a stubborn obsession and insistence that it must be. And often we place ourselves and our ego at the center of the universe, and insist that for something to be right or good, it must feed our ego. “The only way I could be in love and complete is if he realizes that I am the one. But he is blind, his eyes are closed, and that ugly bitch has my man.”

 

Everything is as it should be, even when you are not getting what you want. It is their choice to be together, they are two willing participants, they have chosen to be with each other, therefore it is right. What is wrong is your insistence that this should all be yours.

 

We all know how unpleasant it is to have some angry dude obsessed with us, a persistent creep who won’t take no for an answer. But he too is operating from his ego, and wanting something that isn’t reciprocated. Don’t be that creep.

 

When you have identified a situation that feels wrong to you, your job is to understand your own place in it. If you are stuck on a man who is making no moves towards you, or if someone else has got what you think is rightfully yours, it is time to step away from the situation. Wanting something or someone that doesn’t want you back is a vicious cycle and you are creating it all by yourself. It is time to get off the rat wheel, so that you can start moving in a healthier direction. If you stay on that wheel, you will stay in a state of wanting and wanting and wanting and wanting. Staying focused on what you don’t have will definitely create an obsession, an emotionally toxic mess.

 

It isn’t your place to push your way into situations where you are not wanted. That is your ego starving for validation. It is your place to create healthy relationships with people who are just as willing to connect and relate to you as you are to them. A relationship is when two people express equal interest in each other, and participate in it equally. When one person is short on interest, it is not a relationship. It is your responsibility to know when you are in one, and pull yourself away from people who have no interest in you.

 

Sorry, but you cannot force a relationship. You cannot talk your way into one. You will never argue someone into loving you or respecting you. And you will never be The One to a man who doesn’t see you as such. Your work, if you choose a path towards reaching Goddess status is to master your ego. You will always have the ego, but knowing how to separate from it is one of the basic steps to mastery.

 

The purpose to all suffering is to temporarily separate ourselves from the ego. Ego death, the most painful state there is, is also one of the first steps to enlightenment. One of the reasons I encourage meditation is that in order to enter that state, two things must happen. You must separate yourself from your intellect and enter the no-thought state, and you must separate yourself from your ego. When both fall away, you are meditating. Over time, you master the state of meditation, it becomes comfortable and natural to you, and you learn to make decisions and choices from that higher state of mind. You will no longer react to people or situations. Instead you will observe, and act in a way that is in your best interest. A woman who is aligned with her higher self, and acts in her on highest interest is a Goddess. The one who compromises herself, controls or manipulates, operates from the ego. She is totally helpless against herself.

 

I will write more about ego death, and the value of suffering or experiencing pain. But for now it is important to understand that we all have an ego, and that it serves a purpose. Not knowing how to master the ego or keep it in check is a sign of emotional ignorance, the person operating from that state hasn’t even taken her first step.

 

If your ego rules your relationships, you are probably experiencing the same patterns and negative situations over and over again. Your life is playing a broken record, and you are wondering why am I spinning around and around in circles, unable to produce a healthier situation.

 

If this is you, your goal shouldn’t be how to enter new relationships and stay attached to them, it is to learn how to become an observer of yourself in relationships, how to detach yourself from transactional or codependent situations, how to meet your own needs, and not perceive others as your medicine. Your daily practice should be separating yourself from your ego, loving people who refuse to give you what you want, finding acceptance for situations you cannot change, and understanding that this situation is your own creation. You must first change yourself before your life can change for the better.

 

A lot of women in the private Goddess forum insist they want unconditional love. Yet, when I question them, each one is stuck on a dozen conditions. You can’t experience unconditional love if you believe in conditions. You simply cannot love with your ego. Hate, jealousy, resentment are all ego based expressions of unrequited love. If your ego was in check, you would be able to feel love for that person who refuses to love you back- that is what unconditional love is all about.

 

It is hard to separate yourself from your ego, it took years of meditation for me to start to see results. Don’t beat yourself up if the process doesn’t come easily. The goal is simply to start the process and accept that you won’t master it immediately. To motivate you into taking the first step, I urge you to look at relationships, codependency, transactional people and the dramas that ego based love creates, and ask yourself if you want that. Mind games, ghosting, manipulation, control, jealousy, lack and scarcity are all sign of people transacting and attempting to relate on a lower emotional level. You will never find a higher person if you are operating from your ego. You will only find your match.

 

To divorce yourself from toxic relationships and unhealthy patterns, you must do the work only on yourself. You must recognize that it is you that is participating in unhealthy relationships and that it is your work to become a match to someone who loves on a higher level.

 

Buddha suffered for decades until his ego died. Often, the most painful of life’s situations will lead us to slowly drop the ego, and those situations must be welcomed with open arms and understood before we can progress. But, Buddha also meditated for many years in order to connect with his higher self. No, you cannot strike a yoga pose and claim to be enlightened J Life isn’t as easy as that.

 

In my life I have suffered two absolute disasters of complete loss and devastation. I have plunged into the abyss, was on the brink of death three times and emerged better and stronger than ever. As I sat there in the darkness, I realized that I am not those things that once belonged to me. I am not that marriage, nor that person I signed a love contract with. They were just my egoic representations of what I believed was love. Everything about that life was false. It was a contractual, transactional situation we all refer to as “love”. But it was not pure, nor unconditional at all. The conditions had to fall away so that I could learn that. When the conditions were gone, I had absolutely nothing at all. I had to face myself as I really am. That was the death of my ego. That self that I had created by acquiring conditions and validating myself through other people and objects was a false mask. Yes, it is the most painful thing in the world to face yourself as you really are, and then learn to find acceptance for that nothingness that is you.

 

But that is your work. You must find a way to separate yourself from your ego so that you can learn to consistently choose yourself, make decisions that are in your own best interest, and master your inner being.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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How To Release The Stigma Of Your Choice

STIGMA.  We all get stigmatized for our choices, and in the last few weeks since the new abortion laws were passed, I have been hearing a lot from women who have been stigmatized for having an abortion, considering one, not having any children, having them outside of marriage, not having them on time, or having them “too late”, past her prime.  We all know the ugly feeling of judgment, like we can’t do right when the world says we are wrong. But, stigma is just judgment that we are willing to accept.

 

The way I have dealt with all my “wrong” and difficult choices is to be proud of them, not hide them, even flaunt them in the face of people who try to inflict guilt. Why?  It releases me from the stigma. It is my way of saying no to their judgment, not accepting it, not internalizing it, and remaining free from carrying that stigma around.

 

When you argue or have a vicious fight with someone who is judging you, the more you argue for your choices, the more you validate them and their judgment about you. Why should I argue with a mental midget that I am an equal to that mental midget? Why should I argue with an ignorant buffoon, that I should be able to make choices in my best interest without his/her approval? That drops me down to the buffoon’s psychological level.

 

Instead, I openly talk about the benefits of the choices I have made, how guilt free I feel,  I revel in my freedom, I gloat about how I have never felt wrong, only absolutely right. Basically, I am demonstrating how great I feel, and how powerless their words of judgment are compared to my happiness. It really shuts people up.

 

Last summer I was at a social gathering, when two men whose egos I refused to stroke, tried to shame me in front of other guests. They agreed that at my age, my chances of scoring a “real man” like they were are nil, how at my age and my inability to bear a child made me absolutely useless to successful and powerful men, and that they were willing to introduce me to some guys would be willing to give me a chance. I’m not kidding, this was a very upscale social gathering, with seemingly educated people. I was the only female in the room who was refusing to validate both of them, the one refusing to be in awe of their bloated self-aggrandizing personalities, so they decided to talk about me in front of all the men in the room and the wives who believe in them.

 

Sure judgment feels awful, however I was not willing to accept it from them. Had I started to cry, I would have confirmed my insecurity to them, and they would have puffed up even more. Had I taken my boxing gloves out (I am an excellent verbal fighter) and argued for my choices, my words would have fallen on deaf ears, the douche bags only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. And had I fought viciously, they would have used my anger as proof that they are right, and I am some angry, disgruntled woman.

 

So, I took a gulp of champagne, sparkled myself up, closed my eyes and took a very deep breath in and a giant orgasmic smile lit up my face. Without any acknowledgement of their judgment, I started to tell my own story to everyone in the living room. I started to revel in my singleness, shamelessly announced how much I enjoy having multiple men at the same time, how virile younger men are, and the deliciousness of enjoying a vibrant sex life. They also criticized my global travels and tried to say that I was a bored, lonely spinster for traveling so much. So, I gloated about what it is like to get on a plane, fly to an island in Thailand, and get f*cked for a long weekend by an international friend with benefits. I also exclaimed that none of this would be possible if I had children. As I stood there in that living room surrounded by judgmental strangers, I was totally lit, very much at ease with myself, almost boasting about having multiple-orgasms, and how not being married is advantageous to a woman in her prime. I could not shut up, I just went on and on for ten minutes, while there was total silence in the room.

 

When I was finished, I took a very deep breath and released, as if I just had a massive orgasm. Then I asked the ladies if any of them have ever had a real orgasm or if they fake it with their old men?

 

After that, not one person in the room dared to challenge me. I just described the awesomeness and the rightness of every choice I had made without stooping to their level. When they went low, I went super high J

 

My point is that we all have a choice whether to accept judgment, or not be affected by it. Judgment is only a powerful manipulation tool IF we accept it. When we demonstrate that it has no power over our emotions nor our self-worth, we also demonstrate the power we have over ourselves. No one will dare to rub your actions in your face when they see how powerful you feel for having made that choice.

 

Stigma is just judgment we have accepted. When you feel stigmatized, a part of you has accepted the wrongness of a choice you made, even when you made it in your best interest. Release all stigma, it isn’t yours, it belongs to the ones who attempted to control you by manipulating you with guilt. Focus on the rightness of each choice you made. Never explain why you made that choice, you owe no one your excuses. Instead, focus only on all the best things that happened as a result of you doing what is best for yourself. Never display guilt, shame, second-thoughts- all these feelings may be valid to you, but sharing your personal doubts with shamers will only amplify them, and give them a tool to beat you up with.

 

Many of you know that I have been volunteering for Planned Parenthood since college. Imagine how beat up women feel for making a difficult choice, and what it is like to face a crowd of angry mobs who will spit, shame, assault so that you would make a choice in their interest. Seven years ago a woman did something I thought was absolutely genius. She decided to go live on Youtube, and demonstrate using the Morning After pill, show to the public what it is like to miscarry or abort live, and openly talk about the side-effects, what is happening to her body by the hour, in full confidence of the choice she made. That one video completely demystified and destigmatized the process.

 

She took questions from her viewers live, addressed critics and haters with confidence, but also took questions from women who were terrified of the scary side effects they heard about. They watched her go through the process live and she was perfectly calm, and rational about it.

 

The reason I bring up this story is that I think she did more for the cause than anybody else. She stood on live camera fearlessly and brought down the argument that the morning after pill is dangerous, permanently damaging, painful, etc. Since her, many other women have done the same, documenting their choice, pre and post abortion to educate.

 

We destigmatize things by openly talking about them, not hiding as if they are shameful. Stigma is just a bad feeling we all carry. It was inflicted on us by someone who manipulated us to choose what is right for them, not for us. It is your choice to accept stigma, and totally within your power to release it.

 

Rather than complain about how the world makes you feel bad because you are unmarried, your biological clock is ticking, you are having sex too freely, you can just as easily not feel bad about those things. All these things are my choice and I revel in the rightness of each and every choice I made for myself. Rather than feel bad, I choose to feel great. Rather than argue with someone for my freedom to do what is best for me, I demonstrate with great passion how awesome I feel.

 

Judgment is an ugly feeling that is inflicted upon women to make them feel bad for daring to act for themselves. Stigma is our acceptance that what we have chosen requires their approval. But power is a magnificent thing. Power is our ability to remain unaffected by whatever they inflict upon us. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who is 100% sure of her self, 100% unaffected, and 100% willing to act in her own self-interest.

 

No apologies, no regrets.

S

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