When Women Abuse Men

 

I admit it, I abused men in my past. How did I get away with it? No man ever stood up to me. I took responsibility for my actions, and am holding women accountable when our behavior crosses the line. Here’s my story.

 

Let’s talk about irresponsible behavior, and how some women use emotion, tantrums, drama, and manipulation to control men. Society ascribes this to irrational female behavior, or PMS, but when you analyze the situation, it boils down to women abusing men. This subject is rarely talked about, because it is common to believe that women are always victims of physical or mental abuse by males. When the tables are turned, and exactly the same treatment is inflicted upon men, experts don’t refer to it as abuse. Even men will rarely call us out, and they either accept it, laugh it off as ridiculous childish behavior, put up with it for fear they might be perceived as victims, or risk being accused of being the aggressors when they are simply standing up for themselves.

 

Let’s face it, women have been abusing men since the dawn of humankind. I’m willing to take a look in the mirror, and call myself out on all my prior offenses. I admit, that in my earliest relationships, long before I even learned that what I am doing is wrong, I have been known to use my best weapon, my sharp tongue and my big mouth, to bully men into submission.

 

I learned this defense tactic at a very young age. I was born to two narcissists and grew up in a home where an insecure male with a Napoleon complex, used harsh words and temper tantrums to instill fear and obedience. On a certain level, even as a child I knew this was wrong, but rather than simply accept it, I remember I decided to learn from him. I knew that his words were irrational, his threats empty, and all he had was his loud voice to scare us all into paralysis, but at 5 years of age, I also learned that it worked. In our house, you wouldn’t dare challenge the male because the consequences to all of us were painful, but bit by bit I gained the courage to do just that.

 

By 13, as I was turning into a rebellious teenager, I learned to speak up, push his buttons, even yell back a few times. Though I often lost the fight, and suffered harsh consequences, I witnessed his growing fear of me. He had a girl child who was slowly learning to challenge his authority, and unabashedly threaten his manhood. The few times he lost his emotional argument to my logic and reason, he stormed out of the room with his tail between his legs, accusing me of being a bitch from hell. Though it is painful to hear an insult from your own father, I was starting to see that I do have a lot of power over him. I could now get him to leave the room.

 

And that fight was my defining moment. That was the instant I realized that men are just as weak, emotional, and irrational as women are often accused of being. They are bigger and louder, but if you have a brain and are willing to use it, you can easily put him in his place. My father was the biggest, most fearsome monster I ever faced, and when he ran out of the room hurling insults, I realized I had just muzzled a lion. Never again was I afraid of men, nor did I ever respect them for using “manhood” to get what they want, instead I saw machismo as a deep insecurity and weakness I could now easily exploit to my advantage. After all, the more insecure a person is, the less likely he/she will rely on reason and intelligence, and more likely to use machismo or act like a bimbo to get what they want.

 

At 18, I moved away to college, and that was dad’s first loss of his noose around my neck. I suddenly had the freedom to enjoy my personal space, my privacy, my sexuality, my mind, without his approval or interference. And that was when he became more manipulative than ever. Without going into the details of his desperate dramas and attempts to remain in control of me, I’m just going to say that at 19, I completely cut my father out of my life. I answered no phone calls, rarely visited home, on so many levels he was dead to me. I felt perfectly justified, but also at peace. I didn’t let mom guilt me into dealing with a heartless abuser, and can honestly say that the few years without a relationship with my father, were the most empowering years of my life. I highly encourage girls to stand up to their parents, but that’s another story.

 

What I learned from this experience was invaluable, and still serves me today. But, this episode of my life also taught me I have a weapon that no man has- my sharp logic ( I had a history of winning high-school and college debates, destroying my opponents with mere words), my assertiveness- dad taught me to never back down, and that I can use my mouth and my words to not only win every argument, but to push any man into a corner. And so an abuser was born.

 

I used this talent to gain the upper hand in any relationship. The men I met in college were just target practice, by grad school I had a small army of men crawling on their hands and knees to me at the same time. Never did I consider myself as an abuser. I didn’t see it in myself, because as any of my friends and exes will say, I am an angel, I am caring, loving, giving, everyone’s best friend, and I defend my friends with my life. I’m that friend who will scrape you off the floor, and empower you to take over the world. So, no one ever accused me, and I never saw abuse in myself.

 

Fast forward to my early twenties, when I was newly married and for the first time sharing a home with the love of my life. I remember assembling our first pieces of IKEA furniture, and him doing it wrong. He would not finish putting the furniture together, instead he insisted on returning everything to the store, and spending much more money on pre-assembled furniture. I lost it. That was my first temper tantrum in our new home. I, at 110 lbs and 5’4”, picked up a 110 lb recliner with my bare hands, and threw it across the room at him. The look on his face was pure shock, fear, and total paralysis. He stood there motionless, then minutes later, picked up the screw driver and got back to assembling the console.

 

I have to admit, that for the first two years, I ruled this household with an iron fist. Sure, I was the fun, easy going, happy-go-lucky Sherry people know today, but all that time he never dared to challenge me. To my disappointment, he backed out of every political debate, agreed with every pop philosophy I picked up at the book store, even agreed to donate money to causes he did not agree with, for fear of upsetting me. Did I ever see myself as an abuser? No.

 

So, how did I change?  One day, while visiting my parents, I was watching the news on TV with my father. My mom brought him his tea, and laid the tray in front of him, as he was staring intently at the screen. As she was leaving the room, he took his first sip, and threw the entire tray across the room, simply stating it is too cold. That sharp stab of fear and paralysis in my chest was now that sharp slap in my face that woke me up. It triggered a memory of my childhood, where I would crouch in the corner, promising myself at 5 yrs old, that I will never let a man treat me this way. Ever. And here I was, 26, staring at a mirror image of myself. I was my father.

 

I picked up my car keys and drove a 100 miles home. I walked through the door, and apologized to my ex. I finally understood why throwing that recliner across the room was wrong. I can’t believe that took years for me to understand that this is wrong, but I swore to both him and me, that I will never do that to anyone again. And I never have.

 

As soon as I made this change in my life, my relationship with my ex got better. It was like we were best friends all over again. I became more calm, and started to work on my temper. Oddly, the calmer I became, he still never dared to verbally challenge me.

 

Fast forward decades later. By now I have dated many monsters- monsters who have wronged many women, but never me. No, I do not abuse men at all, but I am firm, I am rational, and most of all, I have nothing but self respect for myself. To this day, I have never insulted any man I have dated, but I have also never put up with a second of disrespect. I am not afraid of men at all, but I am not afraid of losing them either.

 

 

Looking back, I now see my relationship with my father differently.  Until recently, I always saw him as a rabid dog, a Hitler, an insecure little man. I perceived him as an abuser, my mom and sister as his victims, and myself as the only one willing to fight and put him in his place. But as Nietzsche said: “That which doesn’t kill us, only makes us stronger”. I have to admit that I am who I am because I learned to stand up for myself against the most fearsome man I ever knew.  I looked into the face of a monster, and realized he is more afraid of me, than I am of him.  My father was the most important teacher in my life, and for that, I am truly grateful.

 

Today I meet so many women through TheGoddessPrinciples.net, who I empower to stand up for themselves, so I have to call them out when I see women using irrationality, tantrums, childishness, and manipulation to control men. You see, a man will never use the word “abuse” to refer to himself. It is emasculating, and no man sees himself as a woman’s victim. But they do suffer in silence, or propagate well-deserved stereotypes of women. Does this serve us at all?

 

Most of us still struggle to be taken seriously as professionals, and these stereotypes that have been inflicted on us weigh us down. Do you cry every time a man won’t treat you like his equal in the home? Guess what, he will use that against another woman in the office, when he refuses her a seat in the board room. Do you put every one of your insecurities on display when you ban him from his friends, troll his inbox, demand his password, create household rules a grown-up should not have to obey? That is a deep insecurity on your part, and there is no reason for a grown man to put up with it.

 

Face it, women are just as abusive as men. What we lack in physical strength, we make up for with emotional trauma. There is an equality among the sexes, it’s just that our weapons of choice seem to be different. We have all been victims of abuse at some points in our lives, but how we help ourselves cope afterwards is different. Women hold hands with other women, who in an attempt to offer counsel and support display their wounds of abuse to each other. We bash men, accuse them of being monsters when they won’t give us what we want, when they won’t behave in ways that make us feel whole. Men “man up”, walk out, punch holes in walls, retaliate by cheating or by acting like Neanderthals to prove that they, in fact, are a real man. They don’t gush with emotion in front of other men, they don’t wipe each others noses or tears, they bottle it up inside, and call it manhood.

 

This is my reason for not coddling the women who belong to TheGoddessPrinciples.net.  I don’t commiserate, nor do I worship martyrs. If you suffer, I won’t suffer with you, I am that woman who will kick you in the butt and tell you to stop whining, wipe you nose, polish up those horns on your head, and act like a Goddess. When you forget how to be one, I will remind you, but I won’t sink down to your level. I have no respect for victims, male or female. We are all responsible for who we are, how we behave, how people treat us, and how they perceive us. If you can’t accept that responsibility, you are not a Goddess. If you refuse to behave rationally, own your choices or your mistakes, you’re not ready to be a woman. If you throw temper tantrums, use your body and sexuality to manipulate males, you are still a girl who hasn’t even learned to respect herself. That’s okay, we all start at the beginning. Girl, Woman, Goddess, we get there by mastering self respect, self control, independence, rationality, reason, logic, wisdom, humility, kindness, freedom, and most of all love of ourselves, then for everyone else.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

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In Defense of Ghosting

ghost·ing

ˈɡōstiNG/

noun: ghosting

Definition:   The practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.

Example: “I thought ghosting was a horrible dating habit reserved for casual flings”

By now, you’ve all heard the term. Ghosting is basically a disappearing act that people use to tune out those we no longer want to deal with.  Popular media, social commentators, and dating experts see ghosting as a new social phenomenon that leaves victims hurt, dejected, and injured by the offender. They claim that this practice is cruel, insensitive, and just a symptom of the brutal world we live in. I am here to tell you the other side of the story, the side that will not leave you feeling like a victim of other people’s actions, but an empowered grown-up, who owns up to her own faults and deals with them.

I am often asked to help women deal with ghosting, when they suddenly experience being dropped by a potential relationship or someone they have dated for a while. Like any humans, they are hurt, offended, and feeling like they did something wrong. I admit, being ghosted does not feel good at all, but unlike most advice givers, I will not give you pity,  point the finger at the other person, or claim that he or she did something wrong. Instead, I will tell you that ghosting happens for a reason, a very good reason, and if it happens to you, you’ve earned it. If it happens more often than not, then as an adult, you have the responsibility to yourself to look within, and see what it is about you that people want to switch off.

This may sound cruel, but I believe that personal growth and empowerment come from self reflection, accepting 100% responsibility for all our experiences, and not blaming our feelings on other people.  That means that if you have been ghosted, it is because of YOU, not him.  Does it not serve you then to explore yourself, what you project out into the world, what reactions people have to you, and accept the fact that when someone ghosts you, they are in essence rejecting you, or some aspect of you they find unpleasant, unnecessary, or unbearable? Accepting that it is you and not them, gives you all the power in the world to ensure you are never ghosted again. For if it is your fault, you have 100% the ability to fix that aspect of you, and no longer be a victim of ghosting.

This morning, a friend who was very upset, called to let me know that she has been ghosted by man who stopped responding to her texts and calls, and to ask if I thought that people have lost all sense of human decency when they simply cut you off.  I responded by saying that people who ghost you aren’t bad people, they do it to in some way protect themselves from you, or whatever situation, energy, or projection you bring to them. They have every right to reject what doesn’t benefit them, any healthy person would step away from something that does not feel good. Do they owe you anything? No.

Without going into details of who this person is, and why this happened to her, I will explain in general terms that this happens to a lot of my readers, in fact, it is quite common. And while rejection hurts, I will never paint you as the victim. If you want to believe in the cruelty of people who reject you, go ahead, you’ll find an enormous support system in popular media and self-help books. But if you want to see yourself as you really are, I will hold up a mirror to you so that you can understand what it is that you are projecting onto other people, and what energy you bring to someone’s relationship table. That is the only way you will be able to see what it is about yourself that people need to step away from.

Contrary to popular belief, Ghosting is not a new social phenomenon propagated by the cruelty of social media, and the savage world we live in. In fact, Ghosting has been around since the dawn of mankind. It is just a new term for an old concept, rejection. Historically, the pain of rejection has always been borne by the rejected. Today, we no longer want to accept responsibility for how others treat us, and use the term Ghosting to imply that there is something wrong with the rejector, and nothing wrong with the rejected.

Modern technology, and social media now give us a power switch to simply shut off what no longer serves us, or delete people we don’t need to tolerate. We no longer have to pick up the phone and call the person we don’t want to deal with, and partake in a lengthy and unpleasant conversation about why we don’t want her in our lives. That conversation gives her the opportunity to twist words, misunderstand, or attempt to change our mind about a break-up we know is the right thing to do. We no longer have to consult the advice of family members, mutual friends, or therapists to let go of someone, risking the possibility that one of them will pester you into giving the person more chances. We can now simply delete, block, mute, and turn off the person we no longer want to deal with. As cruel as this sounds, it makes moving on easier for people. And again, they aren’t being irresponsible with your feelings when they ghost you, you as a grown woman are responsible for how you feel entirely.

So why do people ghost you? The plain and simple fact is that they don’t want you. Why? Each human is different, we all have drastically different needs and it would be a disservice to generalize. But, if you are being rejected, there is some behavior, a pattern, a habit, a style of communication, or energy, that the other person doesn’t like or want around them.

I have a confession to make. I ghost people all the time. I have been doing it since childhood, without being aware of it at all, until my clients started complaining about being victims of ghosting, and as I listened to their stories, I realized that I do it habitually.  I have been doing it for so long, I barely am aware of it, but here is my side of the story.

I am very sensitive to energy, and I confess, I am not very good at protecting myself from it. I am learning how to be more like Teflon and let people’s energy slide off me, but often it is impossible. I am also a natural healer, a helper, I want to help make everybody feel better. And in doing so, I often absorb toxic energies of others, allow their problems to become mine, alleviating their suffering to my own detriment. This is not anyone’s fault but my own. I am still learning how to protect myself. But, in order to protect myself from being drained, and energetically depleted, I have to switch some people off.

There are people who understand when I switch off, they give me my space, and we remain friends. And then, there are people who believe that my self-preservation is sheer cruelty, and that I owe it to them to remain engaged. I now recognize them as energy vampires, and the minute someone insinuates that I owe them my attention, time, or sympathy, I hit that delete button.  I have come to realize that people who feel entitled to my time, are no friends of mine. When I was younger and unable to recognize the signs, I would entangle myself into “friendships” where I am just serving a friend’s needs, alleviating their burdens to my own detriment. I have learned that if I continue to help, they will refuse to stand on their own two feet, that they don’t want the medicine, they just want my attention.

But for the most part, my ghosting is painful to people who don’t deal with rejection, who don’t understand that personal boundaries are subjective, and that they absolutely must be respected, especially to people who are codependent. Codependents live off the energy of other people, they are addicted to relationships, and they cannot survive without someone who will constantly give them feedback that they are in fact alive. There are other people who understand completely when I switch them off. In fact, I too understand that other people have energetic and emotional boundaries that I should not cross, and when they tune me out, I give them as much space as they need. Even if they need that space forever.

Though I have not been ghosted in a romantic relationship, I have been ghosted in friendship and I perfectly understand. I am not for everyone, and not everyone feels sparkly around me. I am blunt, abrasive, I joke incessantly, and I say it exactly like it is. I will never try to be someone else, but there are people who don’t like that, and I 100% respect them for it. No one owes it to me to try to understand me, tolerate me, in fact, no one owes me an explanation. It is perfectly acceptable to me if you reject me, ghost me, or switch me off. More power to you.

Like all healthy kids, I learned about rejection on the playground. My parents let me learn that lesson all by myself, without interfering or forcing other kids to play nice. In fact, they watched the painful rejections from a distance as I learned to deal with it. I had to learn my own coping mechanisms, and understand that when I am not being pleasant, other kids don’t have to tolerate me. I learned to adjust myself, respect the property of others, not cling to other kids, respect their space, and not make selfish demands, until I understood that it is okay for them to not like me. As soon as I learned how to love my own time and space, the other kids stopped rejecting me. Rejection is a lesson in life, and how you deal with it is your own responsibility.

If you are being rejected or ghosted or disrespected, the onus is on you to change yourself. I can’t tell you what it is about you that makes a man switch off.  But since I read energy, I do sense that most often it is a woman’s energy of need, inadequacy, co-dependence, the need for validation, nudging, that even when projected subtly is a major turn-off for men, friends, and other sensitive people.

Are they being cruel for ghosting you, or are you being cruel for insisting they should tolerate your energy? Energy is very subtle, and different people sense it in varying degrees. But every human can sense it, at least subconsciously. And as long as you are projecting something someone doesn’t like, they have every right to move away from it. They don’t owe it to you to stick around, they owe it to themselves to find a better feeling person or space.

Please know that what you are projecting, may not be negative or toxic at all.  Sometimes it is just too much contact, which is often perceived as needy. Contrary to what dating books tell you, there is no such thing as an appropriate amount of contact. What matters is whether your need for contact matches his. Until you meet someone who enjoys as much contact as you do, you will always come across as too needy or too aloof. Be okay with that.

I tend to be what others consider too aloof. I need my own space and time like people need oxygen. Step into my personal space too much, and you will be asked to leave. Text me your dramas, and I will stop responding. Not because I am a cruel or evil person, but because I have the right to keep my energy clear of other people’s problems. Demand my time without reciprocating with a quality friendship in return, and my attention will cease.

But to demonstrate how an energetically sensitive person functions, I would describe myself as a self charging battery. Everyone loves me because I generate my own energy, never take it from other people, and often make enough energy to light up an entire stadium. Needless to say, everyone wants to be around me. The upside of this is that I have attracted some spectacular friends and lovers into my life. The downside is that everyone wants a piece of my energy, and I also attract a lot of freeloaders who want to live off my energy.  Under the guise of genuine friendship, they latch on and I become their life support system. I am their therapist, best friend, guru, rescuer and the only way they can deal with life. Every time I give them a bit of my medicine (energy), my battery gets depleted a bit. They see this as no problem because I make my own energy, I have more, so why shouldn’t they be entitled to it? There are days when a lot of people need my energy, and some take it without my permission. When my battery gets low, in the red zone, I go into emergency power saving mode. I switch off. At that point, I am trying to survive, so to protect my own soul, I have to cut you off, and anyone else sucking up my life force. You think this is cruel, but you are the one with her fangs stuck in my veins.

In order to preserve my energy, I do a few things. I ignore you. If you are talking, I will cover my ears, or leave the room, and if you follow me, I will go as far away as my feet will carry me. If you are texting, I will mute the conversation, because each notification that announces you are waiting for a reply, bites. If you are right in front of me, I will avoid eye contact, because your searching, needy eyes, that are trying to share your pain with me are sucking my soul out of my chest. In short, I will do whatever it takes to save my life, even cut you off completely and forever, when I see that our relationship is an unequal exchange of energy.

Now, I am describing my most extreme experiences only to show you what happens energetically when a person has chosen to reject you.  In essence, you are draining their energy, their soul. You might think you are giving them positive energy back, but if they are a self charging battery, also known as emotionally and psychologically healthy people, they don’t need your energy at all. They will never ask for it, and they will always prefer romantic and social relationships with other people who are energetically complete.

I am not calling you unhealthy, an energy vampire, nor a co-dependent. I am simply demonstrating that if the energy exchange in a relationship is unequal, that relationship will fail. No one can afford to be your life support for long, and as long as what you bring into their space doesn’t feel good to them, they will seek to tune you out.

You might view yourself as a saintly do-gooder, shower people with attention, affection, flowers, and gifts. You might think that text you sent to check in, and ask how they are feeling is a form of caring,  but if they sense that you are checking in to reassure yourself they still know you exist, you have just turned them off .  If you are giving all that for the sake of a relationship, you are trading your affection in exchange for their attention or time.  I hate to tell you, but trading emotions is a form of manipulation, and if you are sending me text hugs and kisses every day just to get validation from me, you are emotionally manipulating me. When a person feels like they have to respond, or like they have to appreciate all your concern, it does not feel good. It feels like they are now responsible for replying so you don’t feel hurt. At a certain point, they will bow out of the romance or friendship, because they are not willing to take care of your emotions.

Again, I have used the most blatant examples of what happens when someone feels the need to end contact, or ghost you. I don’t know you, so I cannot say specifically what you are doing to make the person feel uncomfortable. But, you absolutely MUST respect their need for space, even if it is a complete ending of a relationship.  They don’t owe it to you to coddle your feelings, hold your hand through the breakup, or soothe you into comfort. If you do believe that, do yourself a favor, and hire a therapist. Maybe ghosting is something you are just experiencing, but rejection is nothing new.

If you feel like you are experiencing rejection like a pattern, you owe yourself some help. It is better to take full responsibility for how people perceive you and treat you, then believe that you are a victim of other people’s cruelty. They don’t owe you proper treatment, and the longer you think they do you will feel incomplete.

S

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Face It, He is Not Into You At All

Inspired by yesterday’s discussion on The Goddess Principles secret and private group on Facebook, I thought I would elaborate on my post and the conversation the ladies chimed in on. I had posted a recommendation of the book He Is Just Not That Into You written by Greg Behrendt.  As my readers know, I really don’t like dating books, and think that women should stop reading about dating strategies, as they do more to disempower, than empower a woman. But, this book is one exception to my rule, and I wholeheartedly hope that every woman reads this.

 

It was written by a dating consultant who was working behind the scenes of the show Sex in the City, in response to women going batshit crazy about men who make no moves at all towards them.  You know how it starts, you like the guy, you talk a bit, you might even exchange phone numbers and text a few times, but then nothing happens. He doesn’t ask you out, or if he does, the date never leads to anything. Meanwhile, the more nothing happens, the more she is getting hooked on the guy.

 

At a certain point this mind game she is playing all by herself, takes over every aspect of her life. Not satisfied with her own reasoning skills, she enlists the help of her girlfriends, who, with their well-meaning support, exacerbate the delusion, by helping her psychoanalyze his childhood, his mother, his past relationships, all to conclude that he is very much into her, but there is something standing in his way. Is it commitment phobia? A missing testicle? A dysfunctional family, or debilitating shyness?  Maybe he just forgot that we went on a date, maybe he needs a gentle reminder that I’m still here? Should I text hello, should I invite him for coffee? Should I offer sex to refresh his memory?

 

This is when a male friend would rationally point out that he is not that into you. In fact, if he is not making any moves, it is because he isn’t into you at all. Ouch!  So why do women have such a hard time facing this reality? Why would they rather believe that a jealous ex erased her number from his cell phone, than admit that he has no interest? Because it hurts, and we all narcissistically believe that if someone isn’t treating us how we want, there is something wrong with him, and not us.  Rejection hurts, and we would all rather fantasize a different outcome.

 

As a consultant on the TV series Sex in the City, Behrendt was responsible for most of those ingenious, late night girl talks, over pie at the corner diner. And, he too can’t believe the irrationality most women have toward men who are not interested. “But he initiated contact, so he must want something”…. “but he flirts and stares at me all day”…”He said he would like to get married some day “(but he never said he wants to marry you).

 

Really, any time a friend is pining over some guy who is making no moves, I think to myself, that if her mind keeps spinning long enough, this man is going to turn into an obsession for her. At a certain point, everyone including men, take that one object of desire that they can’t have, begins to obsess over it, and wants it even more.

 

Looking back at my own life, when a similar situation happened to me, it was when I was feeling the loneliest in my life. I had just separated from my ex-husband, started dating two men. One guy was actively pursuing me, so I quickly lost interest in him. But the other guy, strategically ignored me, so I hungered over him for a full year. One part of my brain knew this was irrational and that no relationship was possible, but the other, held out hope, so much, that at a certain point my mind I was addicted to this non-entity like crack. A drug addict lives for that hit, a tiny dose of crack that briefly produces a high, but the longer the withdrawal, and the further out the hits, he obsesses over it even more.

 

Ladies, do yourselves a favor and read the book He Is Just Not That Into You. Then, read it again. Any time your brain starts running in circles and you’re wondering how, when, if he will call you, read the book from cover to cover. Any time you feel the need to psychoanalyze his baffling behavior or why he isn’t chasing after you, read it again. Any time you want to waste a couple of hours analyzing his mother, his childhood and whether he has relationship phobia, read it again. In fact, sleep with it under your pillow to maintain your sanity. Trust me, you will thank me for this book.

 

Since that incident 7 years ago, I learned to recognize the signs of obsession and clearly distinguish it from a real relationship. This obsession is nothing but an imaginary relationship, one where a party has no intention of taking the next step, but the other party is already mentally and emotionally in the relationship. Plans are being made, wedding planners are being consulted about this pending and future relationship that hasn’t materialized.

 

Today, I am a drastically different person. I did a lot of work on myself. I realized that if I want to be magnetic and powerful, who I am was not enough. I studied myself hard, I faced all my flaws, weaknesses, inadequacies, and brick by brick I laid a new foundation. Yes, it was very painful, but facing your shadow self, that most pathetic aspect you don’t want anyone to know you have, is that piece that you can repair all by yourself.

 

The reason I want you to read He Is Just Not That Into You is because it is the answer to every obsessive question spinning around your head. You won’t waste hours of your friends’ time, creating delusions, when you have the answers.

 

Does he want a relationship?

If he hasn’t asked for one, No.

 

What is standing in his way from pursuing me?

Nothing. At all.

 

Does he fear relationships or commitment?

No, he’s just not that into you.

 

But he said he wants to get married someday?

Believe him. But, he never said that he wants to marry YOU.

 

But we hooked up. What does that mean?

It means you hooked up. If he hasn’t pursued you, he wants nothing more.

 

Does he have a crazy, jealous ex girlfriend?

Every man does. But if he was into you, he wouldn’t let her stop him from pursuing you.

 

Does he have relationship phobia?

I’m pretty sure there is no such thing. More likely, he has a YOU phobia.

 

So, what should I do?

Nothing. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it with your girlfriends, don’t pretend there is a relationship when there isn’t, don’t pursue him, don’t remind him you still exist, and don’t plan your future around him. Do yourself a favor and hire a therapist, trust me you need one. If you are obsessed with him, or relationships, or relationships with people who don’t want one with you, if you have wasted any time of your precious life on imaginary relationships, you owe yourself some help.

 

Face it, this was never a relationship. If you think about it logically, you fell into this imaginary relationship all by yourself. If you really want to help yourself, ask yourself why? Chances are, that like when this happened to me, you have all of these things going on 1) you are lonely 2) you have way too much free time on your hands 3) you don’t have enough of a Self, so you are looking for yourself in other people 4) you are obsessive or addicted to relationships 5) you can’t handle rejection, so to get a grip on it, you pursue who rejected you even more 6) you aren’t dating, so any man who barely crosses your path becomes your latest obsession 7) you surround yourself with other obsessive or lonely women who support your delusion because they live delusions of their own 8) your life isn’t complete, if it was, you’d have no time to latch onto imaginary relationships 9) you don’t have enough casual dating experience, so you can’t let go without painful agony 10) you are not satisfied with yourself exactly as you are, and the only thing missing in your life is a relationship.

 

Before you read another dating book, and trust me you don’t need one, because they will simply add to your sense of emptiness when you realize you are standing on your head to get a man to ask you out, please do yourself a favor, and fill up your life with YOU. Nothing stands in the way of your happiness but you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The Lives of Others

Many women believe that it is a man’s fault if he isn’t giving them the kind of relationship they want, or think they deserve. If he isn’t stepping up, they waste hours analyzing him to gain a better understanding of why he can’t commit, what his issues are, what kind of woman he wants, when is he going to change? By doing that, they assume that there is something wrong with him, and they fail to realize that there is something wrong with them.

 

A Goddess is a woman who knows herself, works on herself to improve herself constantly. At a certain point, she becomes so appreciative of how far she has come, that she loves her own creation- her own life, and delights in her own company. It is at this point that she becomes a magnet for the kind of people who match her vibe.

 

I look at romantic relationships the same way I look at friendships, you attract exactly who you are right now. The people in my life reflect who I am NOW. When I meet someone who is open, loving, successful, happy, and flowing, I congratulate myself for being that. After all, a person like that would not be attracted to me, not even as a friend, if I did not match their vibe. When I meet someone who is stagnant, blocked, stubborn, stuck on the past, dependent, co-dependent, needy, lonely, unchanging, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. People like that always come back to remind me that I am now focused on something that isn’t serving me. As soon as I repair that bit of myself, I start to flow, and they disappear. We are like magnets. We attract to ourselves exactly who we are now.

 

If you are seeking to join the lives of others, it is because you don’t have a life of your own. And if no one is wanting to be a part of your life, it is because you haven’t created an attractive life for yourself. It is a long and painful process to look within, discover your own shortcomings, work on them, improve them, make changes, and to transform. Yes, it is much easier to just wait for the next relationship to come into your life. But the next one will refuse to be who you need him to be anyway, and so will the next one, and the next one.

 

If your relationships and the men in your life always follow the same pattern, always fail to launch, or fail to succeed, it has nothing to do with the man’s shortcomings. It has nothing to do with him at all, and no, it is not the world’s fault that there aren’t good single men out there. To put it bluntly, the problem is you. Are you waiting for a man so you can finally start to experience life? He isn’t coming. And that’s guaranteed. Why would he? Who are you? What kind of life have you got to offer?

 

I recently reconnected with a childhood friend, who immediately asked me why I never invite her to anything. She sees the life I have, I am always out and about, meeting new people, exposing myself to new experiences, traveling, exploring, and creating my own new reality. I replied bluntly, and I hope it sunk in, ‘Because it is time that you create your own life.’ I hate to criticize, but this is a person who has always lived through the lives of others, a woman to whom a romantic relationship is an opportunity to start to live, and for whom a new friendship is an opportunity to join someone else’s life. I remember when we were younger I was always trying to escape her, and she was always trying to follow me to whatever I was doing next. And the more she tried to join me in my own life, my travels, my explorations, my new experiences, the more I felt I was carrying her, because she just refused to grow her own feet, and find something meaningful to do on her own.

 

And, as I felt the burden of her friendship, I understood what it is like for a man to be in a relationship with her. He must provide a life for her, give her something to do, take her places, be the kind of partner she needs him to be, be her best friend, be a good companion, take care of her feelings, never hurt her, be the remedy for whatever ails her. This is in fact how most women and men view relationships- that if someone loves you, they will be all that for you. I think of this view of love as a sickness. Grown up people are trading their love in exchange for a crutch, a contract, a remedy for their shortcomings. No thanks.

 

They cannot be, without a partner. They fail to exist, without someone to validate their existence. When they have no lover, they lean on their friends for full emotional support, spiritual growth, companionship, therapy, social life, for their entire existence. In fact, most women and some men I know are just that, people seeking to live through the lives of others.

 

I have done a lot of work on myself to create the life I always wanted. It took years of blood, sweat and many tears. But I am who I am, exactly as I created myself to be, in exactly the lifestyle I always wanted. It is mine, and all mine. You want in? NO. Whether you’re a lover of a friend, I’m only interested in people who are interesting. I am not interested in carrying anyone through life, I now only want to know people who have fought as hard as I have to create their own world. Everyone who is in the same place of self-satisfaction as I am, has paid his/her dues, and appreciates the company of people who too have shed blood, launched companies, failed and failed again, suffered multiple broken hearts, and we are proud of who we are. Do we want relationships with warriors like us, or with damsels who want us to carry them on our backs?
 

Yes, I said good bye to many friends who refused to let go of my coat tails, to start anew many times over. And I will do so again, and again, and never look back. I am not sorry. I am always growing myself, changing myself and my knees are always scraped and my heart is always healing from a new wound. I am okay with that, because I earn the good and the bad in my life. You want to be a part of this? You have to have done a lot of work on yourself, and not look to me to fix you, guide you, or coddle you.

 

You want to be a part of my life? Show me the life you have created for yourself. Want someone to show you compassion, guidance, or wisdom? Hire a therapist or a guru, because I am not in business to guiding you through life.  Do you want my personal time? If I give you 30 minutes over a cocktail, your company better be greater than I could have had by myself. Sorry if you think I’m being cold, but I now have a life that is very valuable to me. I spend it with friends and lovers who have full lives of their own. Each has something to match my own accomplishments. I share my full life with people who are also complete.

 

And this circles back to your relationships, and why you don’t have the kind of person in your life you are so sure you deserve. You are not the kind of person he wants. Plain and simple. No, it isn’t that he can’t see straight, or needs you to teach him the kind of man he can be. He is not interested in the life you have to offer. It looks just like the life of any other girl waiting for her life to begin. From his vantage point, you may have a closet full of shoes and designer outfits, but you have nothing of interest to him. And you look exactly the same as any other damsel who is waiting, and waiting, and waiting to fill her emptiness with him.  If I was a man, I would want no part of that, and as a friend, I want no part of that either. I want friends who I can learn from, grow from, and say good-bye to, without having to chop off their fingers as they are hanging onto the hem of my skirt.

 

Go on, live your own life. If you don’t have one, then build it. Stop waiting for a man for your life to begin, and stop looking to me, to let you have a piece of mine. If you think you have a life, and no one is knocking on your door, it is because no one wants to be a part of it. That’s okay, keep building. You will never be enough for someone who has a better life already, and it is okay to have a long way to go.

 

As you keep building, you will see that more invitations are coming your way from people who like what you have built. If you don’t stop, the people knocking on your door will be better, and better creators of their own lives. You will soon develop a taste for better people, and become much more discerning about who you let into your life. When you have built a glorious palace, everyone will try to get in, and that’s when you will have to get a stronger lock on your door. That’s okay, keep building anyway. You will see, that the kind of man you want will be the owner of an equally matching palace, and the kind of friends you dream of, will only want to be a part of your life, when you have built one that is as attractive as theirs.

 

 

 

 

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Ecstatically Child Free

Somewhere around the age of three, I knew for sure that I was going to be independent and child free. Not because I don’t like children, but somehow I knew that my life was going to be about something else. Of course at three, I had no clue what that might be, but I knew that motherhood and domesticity were not for me.

Like any child who knows exactly what she wants, I was informed by my elders that I don’t know what I want, and that surely when I grew more intelligent, I too would find validation and eternal happiness in motherhood. One thing was certain, I was adamantly persistent in my quest to remain child-free.

As a forty four year woman, I am ecstatically happy to have remained child free. I have made many mistakes in my life, none of which I regretted because each was a learning experience that made me more confident in who I am. Being childless was not a mistake, in fact it is my proudest achievement. Here s why.

I never knew what I wanted in life, except a few things that I was sure of. I was going to be independent, free, unburdened, and my life was going to be one glorious adventure. Having no firm career aspirations, and plenty of impressive degrees, I was always qualified to take charge and lead no matter what the situation, but grueling hard work, and domesticity were to be avoided at all costs. My education afforded me plenty of Vice Presidencies, and small business ownerships, the purpose of which was to maintain my sense of freedom and adventure, not to build a nest egg and settle down.

At twenty six, contrary to my doubts and inner suspicions, I got married to a fun, adventuresome, soul mate who wanted nothing more than to have fun like me. Had his goal been to settle down and have babies, I would have run in the opposite direction. But since like me, he too wanted to simply live life gloriously, we embarked on one excellent adventure together. We were young, we were best friends, and we wanted nothing to do with responsibility. We lived well, in fact we lived very well. I wish most young college graduates embark on a life of ecstatic adventure, rather than a life of drudgery, which is why I am such a huge fan of millennials.

We lived royally. Armed with solid educations, impressive degrees and two six figure incomes, we lived all over the world, traveled far, drank fine champagne, saw the sun rise from exotic, far off beaches, and I am here to state to everyone, NO we had no regrets. While our friends were busy pro creating, signing mortgages and buying mini vans, we were referred to as greedy, restless yuppies who were sure to crash and burn and live empty lives. On the contrary, we never paid attention to what they said of us, and lived every day like there is no tomorrow. I can’t tell you how many times friends and critics assured us that we were destined for a life of sad, pathetic, emptiness, only to be offended by our permanent ecstasy, and being in a permanent state of bliss.

And then, we returned to this country to settle down. Regrettably, that was my idea. To this day I have no clue why I wanted it, because now I yearn to get back into my saddle and ride off into the sunset once again. But, we bought a house in the city, two fancy cars, and though we had no intention of birthing anything, thought that we could still travel and have fun. But, this is how we settled into a life of what we don’t want. Surrounded by mother-in-laws, mini vans, and critics who just wanted to give us a friendly reminder that the way to eternal happiness was car-pools, PTA meetings, and marriage counseling, we quickly found ourselves surrounded by the very people who will discourage you from life. I wish we had the sense to sell the house and move on. But no, we gave into that pressure, and as much as we loved each other, decided that it was time we go our separate ways.

Make no mistake, I have no regrets about getting a divorce. I appreciate the 15 amazing years of fun, love and international adventure, but now was a time to get to know myself, explore, stand on my own two feet, and fall in love with life all over again.

Broke and penniless, I decided to give myself a one year vacation from responsibility, so that I can recover from divorce and find my own direction. Was I happy to be child free? You bet! My girlfriends were eager to point out that had I had a child, I would be guaranteed a life of financial support, and wanted to know if I now was sorry to have had no children. But knowing that this was not what I wanted for myself turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

I am living proof that a divorced woman can be better than ever. I tell anyone who wants to hear it that freedom is the ultimate luxury, and being beholden to no one but myself was the greatest gift I ever received. I now had the freedom to explore my sexuality in the way a woman just can’t do with a husband. I discovered that contrary to the garbage that the media feeds single women, there are plenty of fish in the sea, especially the young, sexy, gorgeous ones with the stamina of a stallion. I started to travel the world, push boundaries that single, unprotected women should not push alone while abroad, and I am here to tell you, just do it!

I could not have done any of this with children in tow. But along the road I encountered many women who could do just that, and I am always impressed. I have been single for seven years, have been proposed to four times, said no thank you four times, and am now recovering from a breakup from yet another beautiful soul. Have I got regrets? None. I live the way I want to live, surrounded by amazing friends, beautiful, sexy younger men, champagne, exotic vacations, and having done a lot of work on my own self and building a complete life, I have never been lonely. Being child free has not left me feeling empty, unfulfilled, or alone. In fact, most of my girlfriends rely on therapy and pills in order to fill the gaping hole that was supposed to be filled by a litter of children and a balding husband. I realized that bearing children is just a biological function, it is not and cannot be fulfillment. That comes on working on yourself, facing inner demons, breaking boundaries, learning, exploring, chasing and catching dreams, but not from settling into a suburban coma of trips to the mall, and play dates.

What do I want next? More life on my own terms. Do I want another husband? I’m not sure yet. I have reached a point where my life is very full, overflowing in fact. I love my lovers, and it is nice when a relationship reaches that comfort level that we all aspire to. But I have never needed a marriage contract, and certainly not with someone who believes in settling.

What is gratifying is knowing that I have lived my life on my own terms. That knowing that motherhood is not for me, and that unwillingness to compromise myself just to attain a marriage contract or stability is exactly the reason that I am complete. Had I compromised, I know I would have been miserable, and would have regretted not listening to my own inner voice. We are all here to live the life we want, and knowing that is exactly what brings fulfillment in life. Living by the book, or other people’s expectations is exactly what brings misery.

Don’t get me wrong, I love children. Other people’s children can be delightful. I love to squeeze them, giggle with them, spoil them, but what I enjoy most is walking away from them. I love having the freedom to go to my own home, which is quiet, peaceful, warm and clean, indulge in my own glass of fine wine, and invite whoever I want to come over. Is that selfish? Maybe, but I live a life of no regrets.

I recently ran into my ex husband. He too set off on his own course, and I am happy to report that he is now more successful than ever. But, he settled down, and he regrets that. I wish nothing but the best for him, as I am still grateful for the adventure he gave me. But, his life is nothing how he imagined. He married the first woman he went on a date with. She had a child from a previous marriage, and soon they had a child of their own. Now he is a dad, living in suburbia, enjoying baseball games and hot dogs, rather than midnight sails along Victoria Harbor, or waking up to watch the sun rise on the beaches of Phuket. Is he sorry? He admits it. Though neither of us is sorry for the divorce (it was time for each of us to move on), he is sorry to have compromised. He too wanted a child free lifestyle, and to live on his own terms. But, he compromised. And he is now thinking about divorcing again.

Life is all about living on one’s own terms, and completion is all about attaining that for yourself. How many of us put aside our own dreams, to follow the prescription for life other’s have envisioned for us? Living on someone else’s terms is the road to regret.

Again, I have no problem with other people’s choices, as long as they are their own. What hurts is watching women conform to the lives their parents lived, compromise their dreams to find a half-way point to the dreams of their man, settle into the illusion that the marriage contract provides security, when it is exactly what keeps you bound to one spot.

I am not bragging, and as narcissistic as you may think I am, I am simply a human, who stuck to her own guns and has not regretted it. I do not fear life, and no, women who choose to be child free are not lonely. We find more time to work on expanding ourselves, exploring the world, shedding our fears and have the luxury of trying new things and constantly evolving. Is that so bad?

Where am I going next? I never know, but I am okay with that. I have lived in the same city for seven years, and am ready to check out another part of the globe. The soul mate I recently broke up with, wants is to get back together and try living in his home country. I am cool with that. I need a fresh perspective, a change of scenery, new challenges, a new language, and another excellent adventure.

To the young ones, just setting out in life, here is my advice. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. You were born knowing who you are, and what you want. It isn’t wrong to live irresponsibly, unaccountably, nor to chase your dreams across the globe. It is only wrong to give in to their pressure, settle for a life half lived, then criticize those who live just as you dreamed.

As always, no apologies, no regrets.

S

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Goddess Worship: An Affair With Myself

If you are like many women today, you are actively pursuing a goal of self-development.  And if you are just starting on your path, you have probably heard liking yourself, in fact, loving yourself, is the key to getting in touch with your inner Goddess, awakening her, turning her on.

Self-love is nothing new, in fact, it has been around for centuries. But we are just waking up to the fact, that self-love has been hidden from women for centuries, for fear that a woman in love with herself is somehow too witchy, too confident, self-possessed, cold, and in some cultures, demonic. It has never been astonishing to encounter a man who loved himself, loved his work, loved his pursuits, loved his many lovers, and loved life. In fact, that has always been the most ideal man.

Societies have feared self-loving women since the dawn of mankind. A woman who loved herself, who was connected to her inner Goddess, was called many names, none of which were kind. A good woman, even by today’s standards, is one who set aside loving herself in favor of loving others more. A good mother, must love her children more than she loves herself. A good wife, puts her husband first. Tradition, scriptures, even marriage manuals advise that a woman must invest in her husband, her marriage and her relationship more than she invests in herself.

Thus today, I spend more time unteaching women, and discouraging them from investing in their relationships. You see, two thousand years of women not knowing they are Gods, has lead many to believe that a relationship with another person leads to happiness, when in fact, a relationship with herself is the key to her power.

Though we are slowly coming awake, and starting to get to know ourselves, I am often dismayed to find out that the reason many women invest in themselves is because they believe that investment will pay a dividend- a man, a husband, a relationship.

Though my power lies inside myself and unleashing that inner Goddess both men and women fear, and though my success in dating comes from that very place, I have stopped, in fact I promise, I will never teach or guide a woman on how to catch and retain a man. Let this be your fair warning, my seminars, workshops and coaching will never address that subject. If you would like to know how to disempower yourself, stand on your head and properly text your way into a human connection, by all means buy another dating manual, subscribe to another online course. This is not what The Goddess Principles is, and never will be.

The Goddess Principles concept is for women who know who they are, they know what they want, they make no apologies for it. Sure, Goddesses are both married and single, neither is better than another. We all recognize one has made a choice to marry, while the other chose to stay independent. That said, finding a man, retaining a man, and figuring out how to legally bind ourselves to one, is never our concern.

Our foundation is based upon women loving themselves, simply for the sake of love and nothing else. We know, that our power to shape our lives and live them exactly how we desire lies inside of us, not outside. We focus on growing ourselves for our own sake, and self-love is the core of who a Goddess is.

Self love is a principle long hidden from humanity, especially from women. For centuries, we have been warned against it, punished for it, even burned at the stake. Women who dared to find out, or worse, practice it have been called by all kinds of names. Even today, a woman who loves herself shamelessly, unapologetically, hedonistically, openly is referred to as a whore, a bitch, a narcissist, etc.

In fact, those ancient, secret societies we all hear about, were founded upon the principles of Goddess worship, as they knew, but never revealed to the masses, that woman is God, and that the key to any man’s success, is waking up that aspect of a woman that bestows upon him (if she is pleased) ultimate success.

Though it has been hidden from females, and practiced fervently by very successful men, the practice has been bastardized, twisted around, distorted beyond all recognition of woman worship. Without going into history, my goal is to teach women how to access that power within. For, if she wakes up that aspect of her inner self, there is nothing she can’t do, and nothing she can’t have. That power has always been within women only, discovered by very few, and understandably kept secret.

I disclose, not every woman can access this power. We all have the Goddess within, most will never tap into her, majority might get a glimpse, then quickly look the other way out of fear. That is okay. I can neither force her out of you, nor can I talk you out of decades of your own repression, resistance and judgement.

In my talks and meeting many such women, I see that they come from two types of backgrounds. She was either that kid who refused to listen, rebelled against everything, didn’t play the sugar and spice and everything nice role very well. She was that girl who could say No, and mean it, has punched a boy or two in her life, allowed herself sex simply for the experience and refused to accept guilt. Or, she was that woman who always knew that there was more, the one who understood that there is something inside her, and through her own, independent, solitary path, discovered her ability to quiet the mind, enjoy its stillness, and tap into that energy that lay dormant inside her since childhood. You see we are all born with it, but parents, school, and society extinguish that flame before the age 1.

So what I teach here is how to love yourself. If I could have one wish for you, it is to do it shamelessly, greedily, glutonously, unapologetically, ravenously, proudly and fearlessly. And step one is to simply stare in the mirror, smile, blush, and see that the Goddess is absolutely beautiful. She has nothing to feel ashamed of. The only shame is in not worshiping herself. That is the only pathetic woman there is.

S

 

 

 

 

 

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Do You Need a Mentor, or Do You Study Champions?

Who is mentoring you? Why? What was your intent behind finding a mentor?

Before you choose one, think wisely who this person is, and what they have accomplished? Have they achieved where you want to be? No one can teach you how to be more than they are themselves. Their ceiling, is your ceiling.

I urge women not to look for mentors, but more importantly to find champions. There can be a tendency for the word mentor to sound like taking someone under your wing. I am a naturally action-oriented person who feels there is far too much coddling in the world and too little doing. So I urge you to find champions because champions are people who make sh*t happen for themselves.

Find a person who doesn’t quit. Find that person who doesn’t take No for an answer. Find the one who moves forward despite what others think. Find that person who does not back down. When you find her, don’t twist her arm into mentoring you. If she is as focused and single minded as she needs to be to succeed, she will politely say No.

Instead, stay close and pay attention to what she is doing. Respectfully keep enough distance to not get in her way, but watch her focus, her drive, her moves.

If you still need someone to hold your hand, know that this is not the work for a champion. A winner cannot win with others latched on.

If you are serious about success, hire and pay for a coach. They are trained to guide you along, but not be your crutch. Study winners, champions and doers. Emulate them, live and breathe like them. But don’t make your progress dependent on their ability to guide you along, and never expect someone to be responsible for you. That is not their job, it is always yours.

In life, there are winners and there are losers. The difference is simple. Winners are single minded, focused, determined to get what they want. They make their success dependent solely on themselves. Sure they study others, ask for advice, and take it only from the best. But they make themselves solely responsible for achieving what they want.

There are others who have a goal, and would much appreciate success, but don’t want to do it alone. They spend time looking for someone to advise them, guide them, inspire them, preferably join a club of others who too, don’t want to do it on their own. They would very much like it, if someone would be kind enough to lead them to success, show them how its done, cry with them when it isn’t working, share their failures. We all fail, that is a fact of life. But how we get up and move on, separates the champions from the wannabes.

When we fail, some of us get back up, reformulate our action plans, and try again. Others grab onto someone else’s hand, look around to see if a hug will be offered to them, if someone will commiserate with them, rehash their pains and analyze their failures, only to look again towards others for that encouragement they need to try again. Which category do you fall into?

The reason I encourage you to find a champion rather than a mentor is that there is a difference in mentality between someone who is looking toward others, and someone fully prepared to do it on her own. A mentee will always be looking for guidance, a champion will take action all by herself.

Here is another characteristic of someone thirsty for success. She is serious enough to pay for whatever it takes to get there. Whether she is paying for education to acquire new skills, or paying a coach for a bit of fine tuning, a woman serious about her progress will generously, abundantly, willingly and gratefully pay for someone’s time. The one who is not looking to succeed, but someone willing to walk the path with her, will most likely look for a mentor, an advisor willing to work for free, a shoulder to cry on, someone to reaffirm her desires as well as shoulder her pains.
In my career, and in my current work for TheGoddessPrinciples I am inundated with calls from women looking for guidance and inspiration. I started this project for that very reason, to kick the driven woman in the butt, show her that she can do whatever she wants, and live exactly how she pleases. I love the feedback I get from them, as it confirms that I am doing something that matters.
But in this process, I can’t tell you how many times people have asked to talk to me on the phone, connect with me socially, or simply get to know me. I am one of those people who can pick up the phone, tap into a person, and lift them up with only a few words. I have the ability to see inside people, identify their blocks and inspire them to be a lot more than they think they can be. Here is what I have learned by giving my time away for free.
People who rely on the kindness of others to get them through life, are looking for someone to rely on for the rest of their life. They are not looking for good advice, they are looking for continued advice. They are not looking to do hard work on themselves, they are looking for you to show them you care by doing work on them.  If you are serious about your own success, eventually you learn you can’t make others successful for them. You can succeed on your own, then let them watch and emulate. Those who are ready to do the work, will get up and do it.
And this is why I don’t like mentorship, even though every business book parrots the concept. I see a huge difference between women who need a mentor, and women who study champions. One is looking for a crutch, emotional support and an unpaid guide. The other, is looking for the fastest course toward results. One balks at paying for it, the other will pay any price because she knows success isn’t free.

S

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Why a Woman Should Never Compromise for a Man

Today’s post was inspired by a video one of my fellow Goddesses posted in our private Facebook group. If you are a woman who can handle opinions drastically different than her own, without judgment or vitriol, and would love to join our open discussions, please check out the group’s rules, and join.

WATCH VIDEO

It has always been my opinion that women compromise way too much in relationships, and thus compromise away their integrity and their self-respect. When I speak about this particular subject, the men who read my posts (65% of my blog readers are men), agree with my opinion almost a 100%. It is usually the women who make a heated argument FOR compromise, as a way to keep a relationship healthy and moving forward.

So, Eartha’s interview is really close to my heart for several reasons. For one, it truly reflects my own attitude, and also, it is the key to my being a Goddess, and my dating and relationship success. This is the one lesson I always have trouble getting through women’s heads, but is truly at the core of who a Goddess is.

Who is the Goddess?? She is a woman who lives her life by her own rules. She enjoys life fully, and every aspect of it, simply because she lives on her own terms. Her career is focused, her relationships are abundant, and she OWNS her own sexuality (she does not trade it away). The Goddess is that irresistible woman who can commands armies of men, eager to serve her. No, she does not use men for anything at all. She is that magnetic creature for whom men want to do everything, just for the opportunity to be in her presence. In relationships, she always maintains her own space, her integrity, her self-respect. She will never compromise those things that make her the Goddess away. She loves freely, deeply, passionately, but her philosophy on relationships is “Letting Go”, and not holding on to anything too tightly. She always maintains an open door policy, and by that, very few men can afford to leave. Her goal in life is not to secure a male’s commitment, but to always be personally fulfilled and ecstatic.

Eartha Kitt is a total Goddess. Her interview, and the answer to the question if she would compromise if she met a man who gave her a relationship is answered beautifully! With a huge laugh. That was my reaction exactly when I heard this.

com·pro·mise  : To accept standards that are lower than desired.

Women have been taught from a young age that compromise is key to securing a relationship with a man. I teach the opposite, that the very first time a woman shows she is willing to compromise, she has just signed a death sentence to that relationship and pandered away her self-respect. If she is able to keep that relationship by compromising, she becomes a slave to his whims, leaves the ball in his court enabling him to decide where the relationship goes and when, and thus she makes it clear that he is more important than her. And unfortunately, this is how most women go through relationships, always running after that dangling carrot of commitment. No thanks.

A woman with integrity, is focused on one thing only- maintaining her self-respect. Nothing matters more. The very first time a man implies that my compromise will be necessary if I hope to keep him, he gets the same reaction from me that you just got from Eartha Kitt. A loud cackle, with a sympathetic smile “Oh dear boy, what makes you think I will be keeping you?”

By not compromising, I maintain the ball always in my court. Sure, I hit the ball back, but only when I am sure he is the one I want to play ball with. I maintain that throughout the entire dating process or relationship. I am always evaluating whether he meets my standards, only hitting the ball back when I want to see more from him. Sure, the ball drops often, very often. But I am never concerned about keeping the man, only my standards.

This sounds rough to most women, and I admit 90% never make it past step one. When I exchange emails with my male followers, they too express their frustration and hope to one day meet a woman who cares about her integrity more than she cares to have the relationship. Men agree, that women are too eager to compromise themselves and their personal needs, and their interest fades as soon as they notice her lack of self-respect.

This is why I tell women to absolutely never read dating advice, as each book or columnists touts the importance of compromise. It is no surprise that two weeks in a relationship, most women are standing on their heads wondering when is that ideal moment to reply to his text, whether she is supposed to pretend to be busy and reject a Saturday night date, and always pretend to have other options. Compromising women usually have no other options, and most men know that. When a woman compromises, she reaches a certain point where she just can’t sink any lower to please a man. At a certain point, she is a doormat, and she got to his doorstep by compromising. It is too late to raise her standards now, he already witnessed how little she respects herself.

Dating and relationships for me, serve one purpose only, and that is to evaluate throughout the entire process how well this person complements my lifestyle, how well he fits with my personal goals, and whether I am growing or whether I am shrinking in this process. I don’t ever consider commitment because there is no way to know before 1 year has passed whether he qualifies for it.

Some call this selfish, but it is a sign of personal integrity and a deep self respect.  Women criticize me that I am too harsh on men, and that being so selfish will never get me into a marriage. If that is the price of marriage, I say, no thanks. I have been wed before, and though it was a beautiful experience, I learned too much from compromising myself for the sake of maintaining a happy marriage. I will never do that again. Either I will find a man who is in sync with me (the only man worth waiting for), or I will enjoy a few of the 73 men who are constantly buzzing around me waiting for my attention.

What most mortal women don’t realize, is that even if they don’t consider themselves Goddesses, they still are the prize in any relationship. They waste too much time chasing relationships, rather than being chased. All women are eager to find out how to always be chased by men, but very few are capable of maintaining the one standard that ensures that- her integrity. Almost always, she signs that away the very first time she is asked to compromise for him.

There are two kinds of men out there. Strong men, and weak men. Both always dream of finding that one woman who is not a doormat, the woman they can shower with affection, admiration, and respect. Both kinds of men are insecure. That is okay. But strong men prove their strength when they are turned on by her integrity, and her unwillingness to compromise. This is the point when they crave more of her. Weak men balk that this woman has standards, and almost always insist that she drops them if she wants to go further in the relationships. What these men maintain is that they are the prize, and that she should be striving to earn them.

There are two kinds of women out there, Goddesses and mortals. All men want the Goddess, very few qualify. The ones who do, are turned on by her integrity, in fact, they are always eager to find out more about her. It is almost as if they don’t believe that a woman will be able to maintain her integrity for long, and are watching for signs that she will compromise herself away, even just a little.  I have been tested multiple times. Almost every man is intrigued when I say exactly what I think, say no when I am not pleased, demonstrate that I cannot be bought with money, and walk away when his actions do not meet my standards.  And they keep testing, the tests never end. All through the relationship, he wants to know whether I will buckle. They dangle commitment carrots in front of me, and I never bite. They dangle diamond rings in front of me, and I say no thanks. I won’t compromise myself for a rock. And this is what it takes to maintain an army of men.

As I said before, my biggest critics are women, not men. That is okay. The women who see that integrity always works in my favor, are the ones crawling out of long, painful relationships and marriages, where they sank too low too fast, and are now trying to rebuild. For them, I have great admiration, because I know that once a woman decides to rebuild her self respect as opposed to rebuild a relationship, she is well on her way to becoming a total Goddess.  Most are surprised that uncompromising integrity really works, and are in a state of disbelief when they see how well men respond to it. Like me, they are constantly being tested by their men, but that is simply a sign the men are addicted to her.

And once the men declare their loyalty to the Goddess, trust me they are going nowhere. She is that one in a million they have been searching all their lives for, and will slay dragons and crawl across ditches to keep her.

To all those women who think that my uncompromising attitude is too harsh, I only have proof to show for it. I cannot convince them that personal integrity is key to happiness, most think that commitments, diamond rings, and marriage contracts are far more worthy. That is until they see how many men are fighting for my attention at all times. I do not use these men, I am never cruel, always classy, in fact, I never ever take anything from them. A Goddess does not use men, she is not for sale. She always has their attention by being classy, kind, a good friend. I do not mess with men’s minds or play with their emotions. A Goddess does not manipulate. I state clearly if I am not interested, and don’t accept free drinks from men I don’t want. I always pay my own way, demonstrating that my attention is not for sale.

Eartha Kitt’s statement about compromise really hit the nail on the head. A statement like that likely got her a lot of criticism from both men and women. I am sure she was okay with that.  The few women who have the guts to stand up for themselves and refuse to compromise away their integrity, are ahead of their times, and total Goddesses in my book.  Over the years, I have amassed a nice circle of Goddesses I now call my friends. We exchange ideas, fan each others’ flames, travel together, and always push each other forward. Our motto is: No apologies, No regrets.

S

Posted in Blog | 3 Comments

Is He Looking for a Relationship, or Validation?

Nothing disturbs me more than the impatience of women, particularly good friends, who are searching and pining for relationships. Nowhere is this more prevalent than here, in America. Perhaps, it is the media that tells us we are incomplete, dissatisfied, and doomed to spinsterhood if we have no one to relate to. And this toxic idea spreads like wildfire via social media, as friends from all over the country chime in via their timelines with endless posts of unrequited love, the changing times, and their difficulties in finding someone to bond with.

 

By now, I have written enough about this topic, and I won’t expand upon it here.  My assertion ends with advice to stop searching for love, and start living life. By now we all know that no one can, nor will complete us, and the process of searching is exactly that “energy” that repels healthy relationships.

 

Today’s topic is men, and what some of them seem to be searching for when they are out and about looking for the opposite sex. I am a very sharp observer of human interaction and have been watching men and women relate to each other at hundreds of parties I have hosted over the years for my social network. I also happen to have a talent for seeing trough people, and picking up on subtle queues they give off without communicating a word.

 

I am a firm believer that we all emit energy, and that most humans and animals pick up on it. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are always reading people, some of us better than others. What I have always seen is that women’s weaknesses whether they be neediness, despair and incompleteness are spotlighted by the media, but men’s fears, loneliness or desperation, are rarely dissected or analyzed by medical professionals. It is almost as if they are swept under the rug of masculinity, and downplayed for fear of exposing males when their egos are bruised, and their manliness diminishing.

 

So, here I am, ready to shine a light on what I see is happening as a typical male begins to mature and then age. We women freely speak about our insecurities. Therefore, it is no secret that young women tend to be more insecure, less self-aware, and more likely to be looking for male guidance in our younger years. As we mature, we learn about ourselves through failed relationships, over-dependence on those relationships, rearing children, and learning to stand up on our own two feet. As a woman matures, she grows. She gets more in touch with herself, and eventually blossoms into a self-aware, self-respecting appreciator of herself. She develops a confidence, starts to speak her mind, and that is exactly what some men (particularly younger men) admire in the more mature women. They love how she loves herself.

 

Men seem to mature in reverse. At a very young age, they are told that they are men. They are taught to sow their wild oats, “take” women, enjoy them, and in many cultures are raised to have a sense of entitlement to the best that life has to offer, and that includes a multitude of women. Even in this country, boys are taught to relinquish fear, act like men when they are too young to understand what manhood even is, and to assume that role without the faintest idea of what masculinity is all about. In essence, they are taught a false masculinity, one based on the simple fact that they are born with a penis, which somehow entitles them to dominance and respect they haven’t been taught to earn.

 

As a male matures, his masculinity is validated simply by experiencing love, sex and dating, and that it follows exactly what he is being taught by popular culture, that a healthy male enjoys an abundance of sexual experiences and adventures.  But, never are they taught the realities of aging and how it can diminish their value as a man.

 

Open any magazine, and it panders to the fears of women. If I grow a new wrinkle, will I be less desirable? Yes!  If I stop menstruating, and can no longer conceive, have I expired? The answer is Yes! If I reach the age of 40, am I doomed to spinsterhood? Yes! But, have you ever seen or heard media call out fears of men? No. That topic is taboo. Even medical professionals and psychology books rarely measure the fragility of the male ego. But, I am here to state that as his maleness declines (testosterone levels, erections, and his ability to do anything for a woman), his desperation for validation from the opposite sex increases.

 

All humans experience fear, but half the population suffers in silence under the guise of machismo. Declining manhood is rarely analyzed by experts, therefore surely it does not exist. But I am hear to show you, that in fact, declining manhood is that turning point in a man’s life where he devolves from a confident, desirable, level-headed human, into an emotional mess, raging with anger, fear and frustration that the world he is experiencing in silence, does not match what the media and medical experts have been spoon feeding him since birth. You see as women grow more self-aware and confident with age, men grow more insecure.

 

There comes a day in every man’s life, when he wakes up to a limp dick. Surely, it’s not his fault, it must be that overweight, saggy woman sleeping next to him who has turned him off. Undeterred by this condition, he makes his way to the potty, only to think, hey maybe that day he had heard about, has arrived. He looks in the mirror in horror, as he notices that his hairline has receded past the point where he can confidently drop a pair of panties with a smile. There it is, his manhood is laying in the sink. That outer sign of male desirability, his sexiness, his looks, is receding past the point of return.  And his waistline? It is starting to resemble Santa Claus, that adorable grandpa whose belly jiggles like jelly every time he laughs.

 

For most men, that first fail to rise up for a woman, is a death sentence. It is that turning point in his life, where he no longer desires a human to relate to, he needs and absolutely craves a person to validate his masculinity. This is that moment that every man begins to refer to himself as a real man. It is as if he is trying to convince himself and all around him, that the situation between his legs is of no relevance to the opposite sex, because he has his years, and his experience to prove he is a man.

 

This is also the time that a man begins to look at the opposite sex with a sense of need and entitlement. He has experienced love, he has experienced relationships, and many have even experienced marriage, which is something they no longer need. This is the point when married men look for validation outside the marriage, or start to dabble in making new, younger, female friends online.

 

At this point, many single men start to look frantically for someone to commit to. This is that point, when an avowed bachelor and player, starts looking for a wife. I have joked many times that a woman can spot a man who is ready to commit simply by paying attention to his hairline. As soon as it starts to recede, that is exactly when that cog in his head starts to spin.  Scared for his life, a single man who has faced his declining masculinity, is now more than ready, even in a hurry to settle down and make babies.

 

And then there is the divorced man. He has already been married and had babies, and feels no need to repeat that again. He has been inspired by media and a few divorced friends, that this is his time to recapture his youth, and prove his virility by dating women half his age. It does not matter that she has no college degree, and no career aspirations. It makes no difference that she is only admiring his wallet. All that matters is that she looks young enough to convince all males that he is still virile, and that she acts convincingly enough to show there is substance to this relationship.

 

In all three cases, you are looking at a man who is dating to find validation. He isn’t looking to relate to another human being, nor bond on a deeper level. He is looking for women to confirm he is a man. Often, one woman isn’t enough. The more desperate and insecure he is, the more women he needs to fill that gaping hole of his former masculinity.

 

If he is afraid enough, he will rush into a long term relationship simply because he fears being alone. For him it is better to secure a willing partner who is looking to settle down, than risk continued rejection from women. But, if he feels confident enough that he has choices, he will start to date for the purpose of seeing how far he can go.

 

Men who are dating for validation, often date to see who they can get. They simply need to know that she is interested, that she is willing, and that she will commit to him to feel validated. They don’t need the actual relationship, and there is no need to take it to the next level, because now that they know they can have her, it is far more important to see who else they can have. They date to keep score of how many women will make them feel needed.

 

When a woman rejects them, she is dismissed for not knowing a real man when she sees one, but the woman who pays attention to him is simply validation for what he can have. He may enter a pseudo relationship and only stay to the point where he feels her attachment, and her confirmed interest in a relationship. But why stay? Now that he knows he can have her, it is time to see how many more women are willing to attach themselves to him.

 

These empty men who were raised with a sense of false masculinity, now truly have to prove they are a man. They were told by their mothers, their fathers, and their peers that a man is a man, and that is that. But 50 years later, he is bald, has grown a spare tire, and women no longer chase him. Now he must prove, that he has still got it. Now he must prove that he is that man he has always been told he is.

 

He is dating out of fear, not out of genuine interest in a relationship. He is hungry, in fact starving for a woman who can make him feel like a man. But if a man needs a woman to make him feel like a man, then, is he really a man? Yet, that hunger for validation is stronger than him. He is dating to prove something, and no matter how much attention he gets from interested women, and how much attention he buys from much younger women, nothing can complete an empty human being.

 

This situation is like an addiction to attention and nothing more. But how long can a human keep chasing proof that he is still valid? At a certain point it all fails to satisfy. And at another point, no matter how much he has to throw around, money can no longer buy attention even from the most desperate women. This is when males begin to seethe with anger, resentment and bitterness toward the opposite sex.

 

This is exactly when he begins to play on women’s fears, and project his own desperation onto the opposite sex. He wants you to be aware just how much you need him, because your biological clock is ticking, your time is running out, and you better hurry up and settle for him.

 

I hate to say it, but I often see women falling for men who make them feel most insecure. It is as if they too have to prove that they are still relevant, and by making him feel like a man, they concede precious time, and their self respect to him.

 

But a man looking for validation is just a starving dog. He will chase whatever moves, and follow any woman who pays a bit of attention to him. As soon as she throws him a bone, he is temporarily satisfied, and now wants to see if he can find a meatier bone. Unfortunately, the older a man gets, the more likely he is to be seeking validation. Younger men don’t need it, they are surrounded by it. But a man in touch with his  mortality, will stop at nothing to prove what a man he is. And the only proof he needs, is your interest. As soon as he gets it, he will start looking elsewhere.

 

This article is not to say that there are no healthy men out there. In fact, they are everywhere. I am a big believer that women are the prize, and that there are more men looking for women, than there are women searching for a man. You just have to open your eyes and see what is really happening.

 

If you meet a man who refers to himself as a real man, run! Know that he has a lot to compensate for, and chances are, you are his compensation. If you meet a man who starts the conversation by pointing out your insecurities, your age, your single status, your childlessness, know that he is preying on your fears. This is not a man, this is an empty shell trying to prove he is a man. If you see a man who proudly displays all the women he has had, especially if he flaunts younger women half his age, know that he is desperately clutching to his manhood. Chances are those women are platonic friends, hanging out only because he is throwing money, parties, and showering them with fun to show them what he can do.

 

Know that a real man is only that man who is looking for a real woman. A real woman is not a child half his age. If he has a history of dating young twits, run! He is looking at you for validation, not for your brain, or your authenticity.

 

It is time we call it for what it is. These men are not men, so why are we taught to pander to them and keep treating them like a man? Is it some unspoken crime to point a finger at a man’s insecurity, and call him out on it? It is not completely their fault either. They grew up in a world that convinced them they are men at the age of 5. At that age, they had nothing to show for it, and most still don’t. Don’t be the one to chase them, simply learn to spot a man looking to validate himself, then walk away.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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I’m Bossy

I’m bossy.

It is a favorite characteristic of mine. I am a natural, and I have been bossy since I was in diapers. Many people have a problem with that, and for most of my life I have been trying to soften my direct way of expressing myself, my blunt words, and my personal strength.

We all know what it is like to try to suppress our natural way of being. And those inspirational memes, and yoga mat philosophers, all point out that we should love ourselves for who we really are, not accept criticism, be who we want to be. So finally, I am becoming more Me.

For some, bossy is a dirty word. It has so many negative connotations, as most people know what it is like to be bossed around. I do no such thing. I am a great leader, and I am proud of it. The only proof I need is knowing that people flock to me, and in almost every segment of their lives, ask me what they should do. I give great advice, and they are always grateful for it.

I inspire men and women to be more. I don’t preach, instruct or proselytize. In fact, I never offer my opinion or advice unless someone asks for it, as I have full confidence in their ability to know their jobs and know themselves.

Even when I was a child I was a great leader. I could inspire a street full of kids to skip lunch, run off to some park, jump in a lake, and have the time of their lives, and then not feel guilty when it’s time for punishment.

But like most bossy ladies, I was told to not be so bossy. It wasn’t a positive quality, and it was likely to earn me some haters, some critics, and I would be viewed as a not so pleasant person to be with. Though I never experienced hate from other children, (if they didn’t like what I was doing, they were always free to go), and people always flocked to me, I was still very much afraid of being perceived as bossy.

But who was teaching me to not be so bossy? My first critic was my father. When I was a kid, I refused to hold his hand, I could walk all of my own, I openly disagreed with his opinions even when I was four, had no problem defying him even when his voice got too loud, and his words too hurtful. It didn’t matter that he said I was a horrible daughter for defying him, that I got called a bitch before I owned my first bra, I knew who I was and my opinions always mattered to me. I was not willing to trade them in exchange for his approval.

We live in an age when women are starting to shatter that glass ceiling, and are no longer willing to pander to fragile masculinity, nor accept a more submissive role.  Suddenly, it is more acceptable to have balls, even show off when ours are bigger than theirs. We live in an age when women outnumber men in the workforce, complete advanced degrees at higher rates, and are finding out that we in fact make excellent bosses. Some are still struggling with balancing their femininity with their leadership traits, but I am not.

I gave up on the balancing act, when I realized that I am very much a woman, and absolutely love it, but I also am an excellent leader, and when it is time to lead, I feel no need to prove to anyone that I am still woman. Anyone can see that just by looking at me.

I have always had balls bigger than any man I know. My only mistake was trying to hide them. I paid a heavy price for trying to downplay my power, I spent years trying to soften myself up to get along better with my parents, and fit myself into a family I was never meant to conform to. I was meant to rebel against them, so that I could be who I am today.

I married a man who was my equal, but then expected me to take a more accommodating role when we realized that two people cannot grow in the same direction when they have different career goals. Though he was quite aware of my balls, in fact he relied on my intelligence, strategy and foresight to advance his own career, he ego broke the day I made a mistake to point out my larger paycheck and bought a Porsche all on my own. That is the day our marriage ended.

Friends, therapists and family members pointed out that I emasculated him, and that I should have chosen a more feminine way to reward myself for a job well done. A pair of diamond studs would have been a more fitting way for me to celebrate my accomplishment without shattering his ego.

As soon as I separated, I embarked on a dating adventure, which turned out to be a huge learning experience. For my sheer delight, I dated all kids of beautiful creatures, and tested their perception of me in order to figure out what kind of a man could accept my success without trying to dominate me.  At first, it was clear that pretty much every man was deeply interested in Me, and that I had no problem attracting whoever I want. But as soon as the relationship progressed to them seeing the trappings of my lifestyle (beautiful apartment I pay for by myself, world travel to exotic destinations, and of course the man-car sitting in my driveway), the reactions fell into one of two camps.

There were the macho men, who tried to take charge of me, and mansplain how to properly handle that Porsche. The hilarious truth was that none of those guys had actually sat in one before. Then there were the codependents who immediately saw me as their rescuer, and a relationship with me would solve all their problems. And then there were the “real men”, the guys a woman my age would never want to date, who were convinced that my problem was that I just don’t know what a “real man” is (i.e. 40″+ waist size, doughy physique, bald head, and spongy dick). The ballsy bitch that I am, I have no problem seeing through their fragile masculinity, pointing out all their shortcomings, and putting them in their place exactly where they belong.

I think my body produces an overdose of testosterone, and I could never keep it in check. I now know that I was never meant to. Over the last 6 years, I have been falling in love with who I am. First, I fell in love with my body, that body I have been neglecting and criticizing so much for years. Then I fell in love with my huge heart, and other people responded by showering me with love and affection. I fell in love with my lifestyle, and started to live as ecstatically and independently as I was always meant to.

Finally, I am falling in love with my balls. Those balls that have been making me feel ashamed of being so tough, so outspoken, so temperamental, so ambitious, so confident and so secure, are finally coming out, and I am proud. If that turns men off, perfect! I found a new way to filter the pussies out of my life.

Oddly, more men are flocking to me. Some are just here to stare. They dare not ask me out (they know what my answer is), they come close to see if I am who I claim to be. They stand on the sidelines and make comments to puff themselves up, but they dare not cross my line. My exes stand in awe of me. They are exes for a good reason. They couldn’t man up when I wanted them to stand firm, but they respect who I am as a person, and frequently state they wish they were more man for me. It is nice to have their undying, yet platonic loyalty. And of course, there are always the haters. That lowest hanging fruit no woman is competing for, who will always refer to themselves as “real men”, and boast how women just don’t know what’s good for them.

But in all honesty, I love being bossy. I am in touch with my true character, and am starting to revel in my power. That power isn’t masculine at all. Bossiness is a female characteristic, and has been since the dawn of mankind. Bossy women have always been 100% aligned with their Goddess qualities. After all, what is a Goddess? She is God. She is not lesser than God, nor submissive to God, she is God.

Does God need permission? No. Does she need approval? No. Does she need guidance from mere mortal? No. A Goddess is a woman who knows herself. She is 100% in touch with the qualities that make her God, and she revels in her being at all times. Each of us has her own qualities that make us uniquely us. I may be bossy, adventuresome, hedonistic and loving, you might be more earthy, tempestuous, knowing and deliberate. Knowing who we are, and being just that, IS the idea behind The Goddess Principles.

I am bossy. No apologies, no regrets.

S

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There Are No Secret Societies, Nor Conspiracies

There are no secrets societies, nor conspiracies.
Some people see, while others don’t.

The odds aren’t stacked up against anyone,
in fact, there are no odds.

What some believe has been hidden,
has been right in front of us all along.

The signs pointing the way are in plain sight,
some people see them, others don’t.

Some have followed the signs to find us,
while others stare at the signs, and rail against conspirators.

Everyone is free to see, everyone is free to join us.
There are no barriers to entry. Ours is not a secret society.

There are no secret hand shakes.
We recognize each other by our light.
It’s in our eyes, in our vision, our movement, our sound.
It is a resonance the seers see in each other.

So what is it?
Words are of no use. Language fails to describe this.
In the past, teachers tried to teach,
Guides tried to show the way.

When prophets showed us their light, we crucified them.
When they lit up in ecstasy, we burned women at the stake.
Teachers are everywhere, but only some pupils can see and hear, very few can understand.

False prophets are all around us.
They sell enlightenment, peddle special diets, and strike yoga poses,
but their buyers never find the way.

And so it remains blurred behind a veil of religion, righteousness,
politics, media, yoga mat spirituality, and ego.

The one who claims he is enlightened, is most likely not.
Only the ego could make such a wicked claim.

So where is this secret? It is within you. You already own it.
How do you unlock it? You already possess the key.
You were born with the knowledge that the truth is inside.
And how do you find it? By going within.

Your power is within you, imprinted in your soul. You are its only rightful owner.

All the word’s religions say that you and only you possess the keys to the gates of heaven, and that you may only pass through its gates on your own merit.

It is your own work, your own purpose, your own path.

So close your eyes, take a deep breath, relax. Be alone with your self. Get to know your inner being. In that silence and in that stillness, it will reveal itself to you. The more bliss you find in the nothingness, the more the stillness will reveal the truth behind the veils. Though it is still, silent and empty, please know this IS your path.

Don’t push, force, effort or frustrate. The more you bliss in what is, the more will be revealed to you. Simply enjoy.

Your path is different from mine, so don’t ask if you can walk my path with me.

Your eyes are more beautiful than mine, so they will see truth in their own special way.

If you need guidance, your will receive it.

Who are the guides, and who are the teachers? Your personal guide will resonate. You will recognize him or her with your eyes closed, and feel a spark of recognition in your heart.

A guide will never claim to be a guide, nor tell you what to believe. In fact, a guide will not attempt to teach at all. He or she has no instructions for you to follow, no potions for you to drink. He or she is simply a resonance for you to align with. To hear his or her voice, you must be turned on.

There is only one wrong way. And that is to seek truth from outside yourself, to believe what someone else claims, to join the path of another. When you follow the path of another person, you discover them, but not yourself.

And so, nothing has ever been hidden from you. You were born with your eyes wide open, and you saw the magic around you. It sparkled, it smiled, it winked, and it made you giggle. When you saw the world from within you, you were able to see its truth. But then you focused your eyes and attention on the outside world, like all humans you accepted it as reality. It is not, it is just a projection.

To find that magic, you must know it is inside you. To open your mind’s eye, follow the light within you. It won’t happen over night, in fact it can take years to unlearn what the world has taught you, and to find the truth.

Do you want to see what we see?

The world is a beautiful place. There is only love and nothing else. It is available to us all. There is always plenty, we all have it all. We are always full, we are always satisfied, we are always in love. If you can see anything other than light, love, and overabundance, you have some more work to do.

Ours is an egoless world. When the ego falls asleep, we all wake up. You will see the light, and you too will shine bright like a diamond. You will have no judgement, see no obstacles, feel no lack.

Keep going, there’s always more to discover, and more to learn. Follow your bliss and you will find us. We are glad you made it, and we are always happy to see you. In fact, we welcome your light, your energy, your joy and your success. You will be immensely wealthy when you reach us, and we will applaud your success.

Come. We are up here.

S

Plato-1

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Tune Out of Other People, to Tune Into Yourself

What are you tuned into? Drama, politics, activism, reality? Who are you tuned into? Friends, family members, partners, celebrities? Your reality is just a projection of your inner awareness, so what are you aware of? Problems, challenges, stress, or global conflict?

Most of us are tuned out of our selves, away from our inner being, that inner Goddess, and tuned into external stimuli. We believe that those people or situations require our attention, and the more we focus on the outside, the further away we are from our inner center.

Being tuned in is 100% a matter of your personal choice. The belief that others are responsible for our tension, that situations are responsible for our stress, implies that other people and situations must change for us to be at peace. But nothing could be further from the truth. The power is 100% within us, and unless we accept 100% responsibility for engineering our reality, we will always be helplessly flailing attempting to adjust ourselves to their realities.

In my world, I am 80% tuned into myself. I wish I could say 99%, but I am working towards that. Having been meditating actively for 8-10 years now, at a certain point I noticed I was tuning out of people and situations that did not serve me, and tuning into myself. That was not only that point when I discovered that inner Goddess I keep talking about, but also the point that I realized how powerful the mind is, and how IT and only our mind, is that key that unlocks all worlds.

Meditation is a great tool that helps our minds disconnect from physical reality, and sharpens our awareness of subtle energies that surround us. We become observers of our own reality that we have projected onto the outer world, and thus, if we don’t like our reality, we are able to change it. Understanding that we alone are responsible for the life we are experiencing is a powerful realization, because now we hold all the power we need to take control of our own experiences. We realize that other people have nothing to do with our displeasure.

Those of us who are attached to people, situations, objects, or realities tend to beat the drum of how unfair, and unjust the world is. They believe the world should be a better place, and that it would be a better place if people only behaved a certain way, or were as moral and ethical as they are. Those of us who are non-attached from people, situations or objects see ourselves as worlds. We believe we must “be the change we wish to see in the world”, and adjust our inner beings to reflect the world we wish to experience. It is not for the world to change, the work is ours.

But on a personal level, our goals may not be as grandiose as world peace. They may be as simple as receiving and attracting pure love, having meaningful and productive work, surrounding ourselves with people who are just as self-aware as we are, living our highest purpose. Well, if you are searching for any of those things, they reside inside you. Want a love that lasts forever? You must forever BE love. Want immense wealth and success? Be that. Want to see world peace? Your inner peace will be projected onto the outer world.

There is a big difference between people who point the finger at their outer world and complain it isn’t good enough, obedient enough, fair enough, or peaceful enough, and people who shut out the extraneous stimuli of the outer world and start working on their own realities and paying attention to their own reflections.

At a certain point on your path, the outer world begins to look comical. It is as if there are all these actors on a global stage, fighting, shouting, struggling, screaming to be heard, and the universe hands them even more of what they are fighting about. Angry people get even more of the situations who make them angry. Activists keep finding more to rally against, as there is always a never ending supply of injustice in this world. The disgruntled will always find themselves with the short end of the stick, and the alone, will always wallow in observation of loneliness.

My project to re-engineer my reality was a long, and sometimes painful one. Nevertheless, I was determined to shift my focus, and create my own reality. I cut off a lot of toxic people, and while that seems like a healthy thing to do, it seems very unjust to those people you are now cutting off. You can only imagine what your toxic parents might say about you choosing to be alone for Christmas when they enjoy enflicting that annual guilt trip every holiday season, about how you are not meeting their expectations. Your friends will insist you are being selfish for letting go of their hand, for tuning out of their dramas, and choosing to walk your own path. As much as I knew I need people, I let go of this idea that I can cure people of their toxicity, and enlighten my friends with my own personal growth. You will never grow people.

But once I started to focus within, and find my own light, I realized that more new, healthier people were now drawn to me. Some of the older friends remained in my life, but it was they who adjusted their attitudes in an attempt to be with me. I made no effort to keep them or instruct them, instead some made the choice to emulate me, while others subconsciously picked up on my energy. Regardless, I was determined to allow whoever was not healthy for me to turn into their own direction with no anger, resentment, or judgement.

Today, I bliss in my inner world. I understand how powerful it is to be able to create life exactly as I want it to be. My world is full of happy, energetic, positive, loving people for whom there is no lack of anything. The more I watch them succeed, the more I see my own success.

 

Do I feel guilty I only see my parents three times a year? Nope. Do I miss my old judgemental, lonely, needy, dramatic friends? Nope. Do I resent my past lovers? Nope, in fact I love them more than ever, and truly wish them the best. In this state, there is nothing to be angry about, and nothing to miss, because nothing is missing.

But the new reality I created is a very powerful one, that is still improving and evolving. I now have a new family. I am loved by elders who are my surrogate family, and treat me as if I was their biological child. I now have ecstatic, energetic, positive friends who lift me higher, and prod me to experience more, not remind me how I will crash if I taste too much of the forbidden fruit. My romantic relationships have entered a new reality. Not only do I see countless offers from young, gorgeous men, I experience lovers who absolutely worship me. I created this reality, I earned it, so I absolutely deserve it.

Of course there is more to work on in my inner world. The path never ends and I am always making mistakes and learning from my energetic blunders. There are days when I turn on Facebook and take in someone’s vitriol pointed at all those who are voting for the wrong candidate, or believe in something they find offensive. But I take full responsibility for that slap in the face. In fact, I deserve it. It is not anyone’s responsibility to change their attitude, behave better or respect me more. Situations like that happen when I have tuned away from myself, and tuned into the external world.

S

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When Spiritual Paths Lead Away From Marriage

Why is the institution of marriage failing? There must be something wrong with people today. Why are divorce rates skyrocketing? Because married people aren’t trying hard enough to repair their failing marriages.  Why are women marrying later in life? Because they have invested too much in their educations and careers and are finding a dearth of eligible bachelors today.

 

Does the above sound like a bunch of bullshit? It is. Contrary to mass media campaigns to make us aware of our decreasing value as women, to make the younger generations fearful of the risks of being left out of the marriage race, to shame women who are not married, and to scare women who have not reproduced, the simple reason the institution of marriage is failing is that it isn’t serving anybody.

 

In my personal and logical opinion, the institution of marriage is failing because fewer and fewer people need it. There is nothing wrong with people who are delaying or postponing marriage, many of us are not even trying to find a spouse. I for one, do not need one. I receive a lot of pure love, quality sex, legitimate proposals and true affection, that I don’t need to settle for anyone.

 

Why are divorce rates skyrocketing? Because intelligent people are realizing that life is too short to live in unhappy relationships, and too precious not to be experienced fully. Believe me, no one leaves a marriage casually, nor without experiencing massive heartache. We are simply leaving to honor ourselves. I left a 15 year marriage to an amazing man and my best friend to grow myself. I am grateful beyond words that I had the opportunity to experience life on my own terms, learn how to love fearlessly, enjoy mind blowing sex with men I felt no obligation to love, have my heart shattered multiple times, learn to recover, learn to walk away from what no longer serves me. I’d say, since I divorced, I earned an A+ in life experience, and for that I am filled with deep gratitude to the spouse who let me go.

 

Why are women marrying later in life? Because we have options and a wide variety of choices we haven’t experienced since the dawn of mankind. We are not pathetic, lonely, miserable, counting the days until our biological clock expires. We are growing, learning, investing in ourselves, having wild sex outside of marriage, traveling the world, liberating ourselves from tradition, and indoctrination cultures and religion have imposed on us. Is that wrong? Only to those at the losing end of the equation. The simple fact is we are free, and hungry to experience all that life has to offer. Can you blame us for choosing to stay single as long as possible?

 

But there is much more to the wonder and delights of the single life. As soon as I embarked on this journey, I embarked on a process of self discovery. I started to travel solo, push my own boundaries without holding anyone’s hand, and by simply rejecting social criticism and fear mongering, I got in touch with my own power. I discovered my capacity to push forth, try new things, lose myself, and the further I went the more ecstatic the experiences became. I wondered why have women been shielded from this knowledge and such pleasures for centuries?

 

Knowledge is power, and knowledge of our inner power is that thing we have been restricted from. Once discovered, I had no intention of letting go of that Goddess I now teach women to get in touch with. She is a powerful creature capable of great things, and no, she isn’t going back to tradition and domesticity- those things do not serve her.

 

To be clear, I have nothing against marriage. I loved being married, and lived in marital bliss for years. But marriage did not serve me. It is impossible to grow in the same direction as someone else. Marriage pulls you in your partner’s direction, or your children’s direction, but rarely into a woman’s own direction. Many women are simply unaware of what their life path is, because they are following someone else’s.  Marriage will always serve some people. There are both men and women out there, who will always rely on the institution to provide them with safety, security, companionship and peace of mind of having a binding contract with a spouse.

 

But I don’t want a spouse, I want a soul mate. And I don’t need a marriage contract, I want a deep mind-body union instead. And before I meet my soul mate, I want to experience all that life has to offer. That includes a flourishing career, global adventures, a healthy body and mind, spiritual and personal growth, mind-blowing sex, gorgeous, young lovers in all corners of the globe, and I intend to live it all! If I never meet that amazing man, okay, I am perfectly in touch with myself, and by now, very much in love with myself. But if I meet him, I’ll love him fearlessly, openly and freely. Perhaps we will be monogamous, and perhaps we won’t- we will see what suits us then.

 

Is that so wrong? I can see why some people are threatened by the decline of marriage. In fear of being left without security, they are terrified about their prospect of eternal loneliness and singlehood. But, today’s generations are much more fearless and much more willing to embrace life’s changes, grab opportunities, and ride the roller coaster of life. Since I left my marriage, I embarked on a beautiful journey. I let go of all fears, grew from experience, got bruised many times, walked away easily and effortlessly, but most of all discovered the person I was always meant to be.

 

I don’t blame women nor men for saying No Thanks to marriage. In fact, I respect them for having the courage to walk.

 

S

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A Goddess Does Nothing To Get A Man

The most disempowering idea out there is that a woman has to do something special to find a man. Go to any book store, pick up any dating manual, and it is full of ludicrous advice that a woman must act a certain way, use all her cunning and skillfulness to secure herself a man.

 

We are instructed to shave our legs, wax bikini lines, pluck our brows, respond to texts after an hour delay, be unavailable from Thursday to Sunday, don’t sleep with him until the third, ninth, and now the 32nd date, appear to be too busy, pretend to have a life, manage our social media reputations, make him feel needed without appearing needy, and make him feel like a man even when he doesn’t know the meaning of the word. The women who believe this, walk on egg shells, worried to make one wrong move for fear they will lose his interest.

 

We have been following absurd courting rules for centuries, and no wonder we have rarely had the upper hand in dating. It seems that men get to have all the fun, and women dutifully wait until a man gifts them with his attention. When that happens, some women go totally apeshit, lose all their self-respect, whip out that dating manual, and stand on their heads looking for ways to please him.

 

Would you believe that I haven’t shaved my legs in two years, that I hook up whenever the hell I want, even on a first date, make the first move, say whatever pops into my head, even when I’m sure he won’t be able to handle it, and in general, don’t give a fuck what he thinks?  Would you believe, that since I have been single, I have never come across a man who didn’t beg me for commitment? I have had multiple marriage proposals from men I hooked up with on the first date, and said confidently No Thanks.

 

While most women think man is the prize, I am 100% convinced that I am the prize. Since I am that, then why be afraid of losing him? A woman who is that sure of herself, feels no need to please a man at all. He is pleased when I am pleased. And of course, he first must be pleasing to me before I pay any attention to him at all.

 

Ladies, we have been fooled. Since the dawn of mankind, we have been told that man is something to strive for. Our sexuality and reproductive ability have been repressed, regulated, politicized, judged, shamed, and controlled to ensure that there is a guaranteed supply of young, eager, needy women available to that lowest hanging fruit- the aging, white male. Our ability to earn a paycheck has been limited until the last couple of decades, to prevent us from competing with men who have for decades counted on being a provider. Everything about what society and culture have taught us about dating (to both men and women) is to guarantee that women always choose the most mature, financially stable, secure man, and avoid the young, firm, virile, men most young women are naturally attracted to.

 

Man is no prize, he is not even an asset. Man is a liability. I will do a separate post to demonstrate the risks, both financial and social that marriage to a man, or having his child poses for women. For now, I will simply point out that chasing a man, striving only for relationships that lead to commitment, being over focused on marriage, has left a lot of women dejected, and with low self-esteem. Media reminds us every day that millions of women are left out of the husband and baby race, their reproductive systems rotting, as they have missed the opportunity to procreate. And naturally and unfortunately, women believe this, causing much emotional and psychological harm. But nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Women are, and have always been the prize since the dawn of mankind. There is absolutely nothing we need to do to attract a man, earn his attention, nor his fidelity. The only thing that is needed is a heavy dose of self-respect and unshakeable pride- the two things most women who are dating lack.

 

Armed with much self-respect, a woman will naturally maintain her self-assuredness and remain focused on herself, her life, her career, and her interests. If she can simply retain this focus on the self, and keep her eyes on the prize (herself), she is already ahead of the dating game. Pay no attention to men at all, and that has been my only dating secret since I embarked on this adventure of enjoying men, sex and dating.

 

For me, man is of no importance at all, what is important is that I have a thrilling experience with whoever I grace my time and presence with. I have no concerns at all whether his interest will dwindle, or whether he will call me back. I am always dating multiple young, firm, ripe men at the same time, only giving attention to those who please me. I play no games at all, and I don’t lie. I answer texts and phone calls whenever I feel like, and don’t fret if one man doesn’t respond on time. All men know that I am seeing other people, not because I am trying to make them jealous, but because I enjoy meeting and choosing from a wide variety of men. Commitment is never on my mind because I have a pile of choices, and more beautiful men to get to know.

 

I should disclose that I recently met a man with whom I am now in a monogamous relationship with, and that is only because he has earned my respect, attention and keeps me satisfied. As amazing as he is, and as much as I know he is a keeper, my self respect and pride are and always will be of utmost importance in this relationship. He will not hear me whine about commitment nor marriage, I still don’t need that. But if he does the work, and we continue to have the spark, he might just earn more of me.

 

Women are taught to be givers. That training begins at a young age. Biologically, we are programmed to care for our children and give them everything that is required to be safe and happy, but we are not required to do the same for a man. Yes, we are caring and loving beings, but that affection should only be reserved for men who strive to earn it, and no one else. To be a goddess, a woman must give herself all the love, kindness, affection, admiration, respect and care that she has. With men, she is always kind, gracious and affectionate, but only to the point where she is enjoying herself in her company.

 

A woman should NEVER trade her affection for anything. Women are taught to trade sex, love and affection for commitment, fidelity or marriage. But this is morally wrong and absolutely denigrating. Religion and culture have always instructed women to barter, and that this is the only decent and principled way to enter a relationship. I am saying that this is a guaranteed way to make a woman dependant on a man’s approval, and absolutely offensive.

 

When a woman trades sex for a committed relationship, she is giving away her power. First, she is selling sex in exchange for something, and there is never a guarantee. If then the buyer decides he would rather keep looking, she then is left feeling used, since she gave away a piece of herself, and got ripped off in return. It is no wonder that when a relationship fails, most women feel ripped off.

 

My only rule for sex is to have it whenever I want, and only with men whom I want. I don’t time sex, dangle it as a carrot in front of a man hoping to bait him. I follow no dating rules about waiting, as I am not trying to catch a man, nor earn his respect. I respect myself, and his opinion is not needed. I do command much respect from men as a result, because I own my own sexuality, and the only way they can participate is if they meet my personal requirements.

 

Men have no ability nor opportunity to buy me, or my attention. I don’t accept free drinks, and when invited to dinner, I pay my own way 100% of the time (unless I am in a committed, long term relationship). I show up to the date to determine if I have a genuine interest in the person, evaluate how much I like spending time with him, and see if there is chemistry. I only want to be with a man who can hold my interest, is fun to be with, and whose company enjoy. I never evaluate men for their earning potential, nor willingness to commit. I inspire commitment within 1-2 dates, that comes naturally to me, so why strive for it?

 

Honestly ladies, nothing on your part is needed to hold a man’s attention. Hold attention onto yourselves, stay focused on your inner world, personal goals, growth and development. Waste no time thinking at all about men, in fact, man should be the last thing on your mind. Men will naturally be attracted to a woman who is attracted to herself. When he misbehaves, do not try to mold him into the man you need him to be. Instead, pass on him and accept the company of another man. I guarantee that the more men you date at the same time, the more powerful you will become.

 

I wish I could invite you into my home to see how little I have invested into attracting men into my life. I have no sexy clothes, and stopped wearing heels years ago. I own no cosmetics or hair styling equipment. My makeup bag consists only of the most bare essentials. I don’t diet and rarely exercise. I get my hair done, treat myself to a mani/pedi only when it makes me feel good. These days I rarely shave my legs, and on dates men routinely bend down to kiss my knees.

 

My kitchen contains no man food, there’s not a single bottle of beer in the house, only champagne. I own no TV, if he wants to watch a game I instruct him to go elsewhere. My house is minimal because it suits me.

 

My entire lifestyle is designed to please me, grow my interests, adventure to far off lands and live for my own personal pleasure. Even now that I am in a committed relationships, I continue to bask in my solitude, treat myself better than he can possibly treat me, enjoy travel alone (even though we frequently travel together). I maintain my friendships, my interests, my career, as none of those things have anything to do with him. I always have my own time and my own life, no matter which man is in it.

 

The more work you do to attract a man, the more he sees how hard you are trying. The more time you demand from a man, the more he sees how much free time you have. The more you ask for fidelity or commitment, the more he sees how limited your options are. Remember, you are the prize, therefore you should be doing nothing, and he should be doing everything to earn you.

 

Shift your life’s focus onto yourselves. You and only you should be your top priority. Everything else will fall into place. Men will be competing to gain your attention, they will crawl on their hands and knees for you. But to command that kind of respect, stop asking anything of them. Respect yourself, love and adore yourself, invest in yourself, bliss in your time alone, and always keep multiple options open. You must have multiple men in your life at the same time, stay social and keep moving. No man will chase stationery object.

 

S

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You Should Go and Love Yourself

I begin today’s blog post with a quote by Mandy Hale: “ If you don’t love yourself, you will always chase people who don’t love you either”.

 

This one hit a nerve because for decades I was that girl, attracted to the most brutish assholes, the macho men who wore a façade of strength and dominance only to cover up their inner fragility and failings. Self-love was a project I embarked upon after the end of my 12 year marriage, and it has been a spectacular experience.

 

But for the sake of this article, let’s forget how Hale’s quote applies to men and relationships- that’s rather obvious. And, I won’t go into details about how to love yourself, by now I have exhausted this topic. If you are still unclear, check out one of my previous posts or videos.

 

Outside of romantic relationships, I see a lot of women who don’t love themselves when I watch their interactions with family members, friends, and coworkers. There too, we tend to chase people, looking for acceptance, validation, approval and love from people who do not love us. I am not saying those people aren’t capable of love (in fact most are), instead they do not love us. Ouch!

 

The popular belief is that there must be something wrong with those people if they don’t show us acceptance, approval or love. But the reality is, no one owes us that. I repeat, no one owes us a relationship, a friendship, acceptance, inclusion, respect, nor love. It is not their duty to do so, and when they show us evidence that we are not important, it is not because there is something wrong with them. Healthy people do not value nor need people who are not healthy themselves. Respected people respect those who earn their respect, not those who ask, beg or demand it. Interesting people are interested in those who have taken time to cultivate themselves.

 

So, it is up to each of us (if we are healthy, and if we are willing to grow), to accept the responsibility for how we are being treated. Rather than blame others for not showing you love, respect, or inclusion, we must take a painful look at ourselves and ask what is it about me that isn’t loveable, respectable, attractive, or validated. This look into our own selves is very painful for some, and many still chose to find fault in others. But, ladies grow up.

 

Unfortunately, some women are only willing to take this painful overview, when they notice that men are making themselves scarce. Rarely, do they want to see how their lack of love and respect for themselves, turns others off. Do you find yourself chasing people in general? Do friends make plans without you, or only invite you as an after thought? Do family members walk all over you, showing no regard for your feelings? Would dates rather stare at their iPhone rather than pay attention to you? Do people tend to forget to return a phone call to you? Do you tend to fight or argue with people to show you consideration or respect? Well baby, it is time you take a look at yourself.

 

If you insist that they are the ones being neglectful, hurtful, or disrespectful, you fail to take responsibility for yourself. And as long as you keep doing that, you will continue to see more evidence of that kind of treatment. There is nothing you can do to change other people, nor do you have any right to. But, admitting that you have a problem, that you are responsible for how people treat you, is a very powerful understanding, because now you have the power to shift blame away from them, and work on yourself.

 

My biggest monsters in my life were not men, they were my parents and extended family. Growing up, I didn’t even know that I was surrounded by toxic people who didn’t love me, because they didn’t even love themselves. To them, love was about possession, having power over family members, owning them, controlling them. Later in life, I entered many relationships with men who needed to own me, control me, reshape me into their own image, and destroy me when I exceeded them.

 

In terms of friendships, I was in the same situation. My friends too needed to possess me. They expected my undying loyalty and servitude to heal them, shoulder their burdens, teach them, guide them through life, and promise to never leave them. I was the only rock in their lives, and they could only face life’s challenges with my guidance and fearlessness. Can you imagine what a tremendous burden it is to carry all one’s friends? Unlike most of my clients, I wasn’t the one excluded, in fact I was over included. Everyone needed me to be their friend, and not for healthy reasons.

 

So, in an effort to change my relationships with men, parents and friends, I had to cut many people off. In fact, I cut off almost everyone in order to focus my energy onto healing myself. I am not telling you to cut off everyone, but I am urging you to look in the mirror and say I Love You. Does it feel awkward? Try it again? Many of you can’t say that to yourselves, but you definitely will at some point.

 

My project in life was now to learn to love myself. The process is too long to describe here, I have written about it numerous times already. In fact, the sole purpose of TheGoddessPrinciples.Net is to teach women to love, adore and worship themselves. I took two years off from relationships with most people to focus inward, appreciate myself, treat myself to the best things in life, until it dawned on me, just how spectacular I am.

 

I also meditate quite well, and that has been an invaluable experience in balancing my energies, eliminating anger, opening up to love and kindness, and getting in touch with my higher self, which was the ultimate meditation experience. Once I got in touch with my higher self, I understood who I am as a being, what my life purpose is, and how I relate to others when I am at my most powerful self.

 

Rather than trying to relate to others, I started to relate to myself, and that was a life-altering experience. Imagine how amazing it is to discover the real you. Not the you that you show to the world, but the spectacular you that is all powerful, fearless, godlike. This is the inner goddess I teach women to access. And finding her requires a lot of self love.

 

Fast forward to my current life, and I have turned 180 degrees in the opposite direction. I am a virtual man magnet, but more importantly a people magnet. I attract healthier men, the ones who truly value me, respect me and worship me. Men who cannot do that, almost always show their fear and weakness to me up front. I see through people, and block them before they even step forward. Family members have experienced what not having me in their lives feels like. They know now that they cannot manipulate nor own me. That resolve to cut off toxic people from my life hurt them much more than me. And today, they earn a rare opportunity to enjoy my presence, they don’t dare to demand it.

 

My friends are healthier people too. The clingers, the controllers, the energy drainers, the ones who had nothing to add, but tons to take from my life are gone. I now have friends who are complete. They are rare birds, so I actually cultivate those friendships. They are people who have something to offer me too, their energy is healthy, and there is an equal exchange of life lessons, and encouragement. Rather that lean on me and demand I carry them, they are people who have their own path too, and aren’t afraid to walk it alone.

 

And yes, the men in my life are amazing. Almost immediately I noticed that as my love for myself grew, their love for me grew too. The men who are incapable of respect for women, noticed my unshakable respect for myself. They had nothing to offer me, so they walked away. Men who disguise control with displays of love, walked away too, because I loved myself so much, I didn’t allow them to control me for a second, and didn’t flinch when they threatened to walk away. I let them go cheerfully and easily.

 

Since I have been single, in the last 6 years, I have received 4 marriage proposals. I didn’t consider a single one of them, as I understood that the more I evolve, the better the men in my life will be.  Now, I continue to grow my love for myself at a faster rate, because it is such a powerful experience. And I am finally understanding what true love, pure love and unconditional love is.

 

The only love that is eternal is the love for the self. It is the only love that can last forever, the only loyalty one needs, and the only love that will sustain you for eternity. When you love yourself that much, no one can break your heart. You become a fearless lover, undeterred by endings of relationships, because you know that you have the capacity to love even more. I wrote before how I continue to love all my exes. Friends think this would be too painful, but in fact it is very easy. By loving everyone who has walked away anyway, I am absolutely open and fearless about giving away love to those I deem worthy of me.

 

So when I see women chase relationships, friendships or approval of others, I see that in fact, they do not love themselves. Wouldn’t it be worthwhile to invest in the process of self-discovery and self-love? If you are ever wondering how it is possible that some women can have any man they want, any situation they want, and are always surrounded by the best people? Self-love and inner focus are magnets for people who are capable of pure love, people who love themselves too, and that magnetism ensures you will always be included in the best situations.

 

The life I have lived post divorce, is the life I have earned. I worked for it. I worked on myself. I took responsibility for my circumstances, understood it is not up to others to treat me better, but up to me to be better. The investment I made in myself has earned me the most spectacular opportunities in life.

 

I travel the world to the most exotic destinations with the healthiest of companions. They too have invested much blood, sweat and tears into growing themselves, and their friendships are invaluable to me. I have been loved by the most amazing men and I allow them to treat me well and worship me (yes, they really do). Most of all, I want to inspire women to change themselves. It hurts to see women strive to earn love from people. It is a disempowering thing to watch, when in fact, it is only self love that will guarantee the kind of love they dream of.

 S

 

 

 

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Find Bliss in Your Solitude, and You Will Find Yourself

Find bliss in your solitude, and you will find your SELF. But solitude isn’t enough, finding bliss in that state of being, is the key to connecting with the self.

Some women aren’t comfortable in their solitude, because that state of existence feels lonely. Loneliness is a condition of not liking being with the self. It is a state of not appreciating the greatest gift of all, the self.

So how to like, and learn to love the self? Start by dating yourself. Plane spectacular, romantic, luxurious, adventurous dates by yourself. No one else can come along. Create the date you have always dreamed of. Buy yourself flowers, an expensive bottle of wine, take yourself to the beach to appreciate the sunset, but whatever you do make sure you are alone, and that you appreciate every moment.

Soon, you will discover, that the more you appreciate what is right in front of your eyes, the more you will appreciate your own company. In that process, you learn to like, love, and discover the self. It is a long process, and many dates will be needed.

Next, you will discover that the more you like your own company, the more you love and gain respect for your personal time. The more you like your own company, the more you will see that others like it too. Be selfish, and don’t compromise that alone time, by sharing it with other people. You are doing this for your own personal growth and development.

Eventually, you will look forward to your time to yourself. Slowly, you will discover bliss in your times of solitude. When this happens, you will be on your way toward a personal awakening, to a centeredness that leads you to you, to that inner being some refer to as the Goddess. Pay attention to how you feel in thatstate of being, physically, emotionally, vibrationally, and magnetically. The more you align yourself with your inner being, the more your life will change, and the more people, events and things you will attract that match that feeling.

Blissful solitude is the key to self discovery and awakening.

S

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Men Strive to Please Us

All Men Must Serve

It sounds brutish, but it is true. All humans must serve a higher purpose. Without one, life has no meaning. If you have ever experienced an awakening, it was in that moment that you came in touch with your inner self, that inner Goddess, and realized your life’s calling. Men awaken too, and when they discover their purpose in life, they see the world through different eyes, and life has new meaning.

What is God? God is a supreme being, some call her the Universe, some see God as an entity with human-like qualities. God is all there is. What is a Goddess? A Goddess is God, and nothing less. She is not God’s sidekick, his partner, nor his wife. She is God, she is all there is.

We humans worship God for our own greater good. We worship to find inner peace, we get in touch with God to receive guidance, benevolence, and blessings. God does not demand worship from us. Most importantly, we worship of our own free will, for our own benefit, for our own expansion and growth. A Goddess is a woman whom people worship of their own free will, for their own pleasure. She does not demand worship, and she never has to ask for it, nor whine about it. Her magnetic qualities are enough for people to take notice.

Is God available to all? Yes and no. Sure, God is all there is, and is meant for all to be comforted by its presence. But not all have found God, not all have read between the lines of religious texts, not all have understood, and not all have aligned with the energy the universe blesses us with. To receive that, it takes some study, much introspection, painful soul searching, and a willingness to walk our own path.

Is the Goddess available to all? Of course not. Her benevolence is all reaching. After all, she is truly divine. But she does not make herself a slave to other people’s needs, she does not spread herself thin trying to be all things to all people, and she is far from being a people pleaser. She is God, and in being all there is, she is enough.

A Goddess is a woman everyone wants. That is because she creates her own energy, never taking energy from others. She shares her light, her grace and her positive energy with all who worship her. Her energy flows out of her like a powerful waterfall, her light, as bright as any star in the sky. It is there for all to see, and bask in. But she does not owe that to anyone, only those who appreciate it, are grateful for it, and worship it, receive it in abundance.

A Goddess does not punish those who do not worship, that is their choice. When a person isn’t receiving her light, it isn’t because she is withholding, it is because that person fails to see, appreciate, or align with her energy. One must worship God in order to receive his blessings. A Goddess does not bend over backwards to lift up those who are ailing, instead they must rise up to see her light.

A Goddess kneels before no one. How ridiculous would it be for God to kneel before a worshiper? Yet, for her, and only her, all men kneel willingly, out of their own respect and admiration. Women kneel before her too, to receive her empowerment.

A Goddesses purpose isn’t to own people, rule them, manipulate them, or instruct them. Her only purpose is to live her own truth and meet her own desires, and in achieving that single minded focus on her own pleasures, she lifts other up by being an example to those who want the same. Women view her as a source of truth and empowerment, and emulate her to find their own power. Men are absolutely turned on by her, some even understand they will never possess her, nor enjoy her company. That is not because she is virginal, it is because she can, and does have any man she wants.

A Goddess selects from the best of men. It isn’t for society, culture, nor textbooks to define what a good man is, it is for her to decide what will please her now. The most powerful women in the world, do not need men for anything other than their own pleasure. When a woman has reached that level of self-possession, self-assurance, independence, supreme confidence in her own being, she has awakened the Goddess within. At this point, she lives life for her own pleasure, and she alone decides who she will take pleasure in.

The lucky few who are in her inner circle, receive life’s ultimate blessings. Her friends receive her guidance, encouragement, her light, not because they are owed anything, simply because she enjoys their company. Her men, on the other hand, receive a power like no other. And this is what separates mortal women from Goddesses. Mortal women have no power to give a man. They can act as cheerleader, be his comfort and companion, but no man received his power from that.

A Goddess bestows her energy on men who worship her properly, and those blessings amount to superhuman confidence, life’s purpose, inner drive, and sharp focus on attaining their goals, their spiritual and earthly wealth. It is through her, that they receive their power to succeed, something all men crave, And it is for her that they will do it. She needs nothing from them, just like the great God in heaven needs nothing from you. She simply delights in what she receives.

When worshiped to her full satisfaction, to the point when she lives in the state of permanent orgasm, nirvana, bliss, a Goddess blesses the men in her life with a power no woman on earth can produce. This is why in ancient times, and in the present, the most powerful men on earth still take part in Goddess worship. Men who seek power from mortal women, will never find it.

This is something that has been hidden from humanity for thousands of years, and it has been hidden by religious institutions, the very ones people rely on for spiritual guidance. All the world’s religions have hidden this truth from man, and relegated women to the role of man’s sidekick, when in fact, she is the key to riches they never dared to dream of.

Woman is that key that unlocks the gates of heaven. She who knows herself, knows her true power.

Beware, there are countless false Goddesses out there, the majority of which thrive in new-age communities, peddle health foods, diets and yoga poses as ways to reach enlightenment, and refer to themselves by self-glorifying titles. To clarify, I should point out the vast differences between true Goddesses and their mortal conterparts.

A Goddess needs no validation. As God, she has always been valid. She will not ask for your favor, nor will she ask you to trust her, believe her, follow, or respect her. She always has her followers.

A Goddess is a woman who lives life by her own rules only. She seeks no approval from men. She needs no approval from women either. You will recognize her by the fact that some people delight in her presence, while the men who cannot possess her, and women who have no hope of being like her, show extreme disapproval of her. She is never concerned with the critics. She continues to live by her own standards.

A Goddess generates her own energy, her own power.  She shares that positive energy with all.  She does not take energy from others. Ever. To clarify, incomplete human beings, need the energy of others to survive. They seek attention, and look for their purpose in others. Goddesses radiate pure, positive energy at all times. They need nothing to thrive.

In order to generate her light and her positive energy, a Goddess delights in her solitude. In fact, she experiences extreme bliss in her personal time. Often, we spend much time alone in nature, where we connect to earth, fauna, and become one with its energy. Nature is our church (and should be yours too).  A mortal woman craves the energy of others, especially the attention of men, while a Goddess generates her own light in solitude, then blesses others with it.

A mortal woman needs. A Goddess has.

A mortal woman seeks safety, security, and support from men. A Goddess seeks nothing, she is all that.

A mortal can be pleased with attention, commitment, a diamond ring, and a promise to never leave her. A Goddess can be pleased by the quality of the pleasure men provide, and one man’s commitment is of no benefit to her at all. In fact, the more men she is worshiped by, the more power she has.

To some, the Goddess is a vile creature, someone to be persecuted, even eliminated. She is a threat, but not to humanity. She is a threat to those who are not in touch with their own energy, and refuse to do the work for themselves. She is a threat to women who compete for the attention and favors of men, and she is a threat to men who cannot receive her blessings. In fact, we have been eliminated from religious texts, hidden from the eyes of humanity, even burned at the stake.

So how are Goddesses worshiped? Freely and willingly.  You know you are a Goddess when without needing to ask for anything, men strive to be their best for you. We never ask for their attention, never compete for it, we make no effort at all. A man does not owe it to us to worship us, but when he is allowed to do so, his purpose is served.

A Goddess requires no commitment at all. Does God in heaven ask you to never leave him? Does God in heaven ask that you sign on the dotted line that you will obey him? Of course not, you can leave any time, and that God is not affected by your choice at all. Thus a Goddess is not concerned with man’s commitment at all. She can have any man, in fact, she is served by a multiple selection of worthy men at all times. This is, in fact, the true meaning of Goddess worship.

Most women and most men are not comfortable with a woman having this much power, and Goddesses understand that. I don’t expect my clients and readers to approve, most simply view my lifestyle as an inspirational fantasy. Not surprisingly though, the women who contact me for mentoring, are in fact the ones who sense that there is more to life. Many of them have seen a glimpse of the Goddess they are capable of being, and are shedding their mortality to embark on a path to find that inner power. It is a long process, but absolutely worth the journey.

After all, as any religious text will tell you, God is within.

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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No One Owes You a Relationship

Somewhere along my path in helping women discover their higher selves and their inner Goddess, I came to realize that for the vast majority of women out there, a relationship is still the ultimate purpose in life. I also realized that what is preventing many of those women from finding what they seek, is the belief that they are owed that, and that if they haven’t received that, their person of interest, usually the man, has failed them in some way.

 

There is nothing wrong with wanting a loving relationship- we all want that. But, our expectations about what that relationship will bring, how that relationship will fulfill us, and what life will be like if we attain that, is not serving us at all.

 

Once again, I am going to blame media, society and culture, for creating this fictional view of what love is, and how we (especially women) find our joy, our purpose, our fulfillment from that relationship. In fact, many of my clients feel that life is perfect except for that missing piece. When I suggest that they alone are responsible for filling that gap, I hear a lot of resistance stating “I already did that, I am complete. Now, all that is missing is the man”. But, if anything is missing, then obviously you are not complete. It is an impossibility.

 

And so, many women get into relationships for the sole purpose of finding “the one”. Healthy people get into a casual relationship first, because in having no strings attached, they can more rationally evaluate their partner, and determine whether this person complements them. Other people reject casual relationships, and think that strings are exactly what will bind them, and make the relationship stronger, or real. They want the strings first, and if that person allows that, then the relationship can proceed toward a shared goal.

 

Now think about it, isn’t the purpose of dating to see if our partner is a good match? Shouldn’t we observe them objectively, allow them to be exactly who they are so that we can determine if we are compatible? If we are not, it is easier to walk away and find someone better. But with strings, it is harder to leave a situation that does not serve us. We are already bound, and rather than break the strings that might hurt us, some of us choose to stay in the relationship, and embark on a project to convert this person into someone who will fulfill us. When they refuse to give us what we want, be who we want them to be, act in a loving way when they are not sure if they should love us, we act as if there is something wrong with them, as if they are being selfish, when in fact, we are the ones molding an incompatible person to fit our lifestyle and meet our needs.

 

Here is where I see that a lot of women are failing themselves. No, it is not the man’s fault. He already gave you a chance, his time, his attention, and benefit of doubt. He does not owe you more than that. But a lot of women believe, that after they have established a string (whether that is an emotional bond, a physical one, or a guilt trip), they are now owed a full blown relationship that fulfills them. If at this point the man chooses to withdraw, he is accused of everything from emotional immaturity, commitment phobia, psychological disorder, or just plain being an asshole.

 

Is it a crime for a person to choose not to be with us? Is it a crime for a potential partner to keep looking for a person who fits them better? Is it wrong for them to choose not to bond with us? In case it isn’t obvious, the answer is No. A healthy human owes it to him or herself to walk away from that which doesn’t serve them, and keep looking for a person who does.

 

At this point many women feel like they have been cheated out of a relationship. As harsh as this sounds, no, he did you a favor. If you are looking at relationships as life’s ultimate goal, chances are you are looking for fulfillment in a relationship, and that is why they are escaping you.

 

No one owes you a relationship. A man doesn’t owe it to us to complete us, a healthy man will keep looking for a woman who is genuinely complete. A man doesn’t owe it to us to lose himself in our relationship, if he feels there is someone better out there for him. In fact, he only owes it to himself to keep looking. The men who choose to walk away, are not bad guys, they are healthier than guys who let you mold and change them.

 

When a person refuses to commit, they are doing us a favor. They are reflecting something important that we all must accept because it is the adult thing to do. When someone refuses to give you a relationship, it is because we are not who they are looking for, but more importantly we are not who we are looking for. For some, this is a difficult concept to grasp, but bear with me.

 

We must be that which we are looking for. It is not enough to act like it, we have to exude it, that being must ooze out of our pores in order for it to be genuine. If we want pure love from the other person, then we must BE pure love first. Pure is something that is free of need, neediness, strings, ulterior motives, so, if we are not pure ourselves, the other person cannot be either.

 

Looking for a man who is stable and secure? Are you stable and secure in every aspect of you life? Are you really? Because if you were, then you wouldn’t need security nor stability, you would already have that. It sounds like a catch-22, and it is, but we must be that which we want. If we project a false self, the other person reflects that falsehood. Don’t be surprised to then find yourself with a person who has deceived you in some way.

 

When I was healing from a broken heart, and by healing I mean I was not whole, I too was attracting broken people into my life. In fact, many of them were so sick that I wondered how it is possible for me to be in so many relationships with men who were psychologically scarred, and just plain unhealthy? Luckily I am okay with reflecting on myself, and not blaming things on other people, because I never would have picked up on my own sickness. My lack of completeness was attracting broken people seeking completion through me. My faking happiness was attracting people who were faking too, and each of them was reflecting my own instability, fears, neediness as well. Luckily none of those relationships lead to commitment, or I would be a fraction of the human I am today. Luckily, we walked, or ran away from each other.

 

So, when a person chooses to walk away from you, thank your lucky stars. They were not for you, but they were one step closer to a better, healthier relationship. Luckily, you are the sort who learns from experience, and each experience makes you stronger. Just keep walking. No man is supposed to complete you, not a single one of them owes you a relationship, and just because he offers you one, does not mean you are meant to accept it. You are only meant to evaluate it to see if it brings you bliss.

 

If you are not in a state of bliss with someone, he is not it. If he is not changing his actions or behavior to be with you, it is because he is not supposed to. You are a big girl and surely you don’t believe he will become a different person for your benefit. If he isn’t giving you what you need, he will give it to someone he wants to give it to, so keep walking. No one owes you a relationship. You owe yourself a relationship with your self, and the men in your life simply reflect the quality of the relationship you have with that self.

S

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Obsessed with Relationships

Healthy people are not obsessed. By definition, an obsession is an addiction, or a state in which someone thinks about someone or something constantly or frequently especially in a way that is not normal. Another dictionary defines it as the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire.

Could it be said that there is such a thing as relationship obsession? Could it be noted that there are some women so consumed by the need to be in a relationship, that it is their dominant purpose or goal?

But what is a relationship, and does it necessarily have to involve the opposite sex? Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my relationships, but when I am not in one, I enjoy my “time off”. I spend time cultivating friendships, charting my global travels, pursuing my hobbies, engaging women in conversation, and in general, enjoying the relationship I have with myself. Somehow, that is always my favorite part about being single.

Are men just as fixated on their relationships? Do they spend hours conversing about whether their next flirtation is going to lead to a Facebook relationship status? Of course, we are raised by different standards, and men are not raised to believe that a relationship will define them, or give meaning to their lives. Yet, it is the 21st century, and now more than ever, many educated, intelligent, independent women are still worried that they are missing out on something.

This is by no means a generalization of all women. In fact, many of us are breaking out from the herd, and wandering off into the sunset by ourselves. Contrary to what you may have heard, we are not lonely, nor despondent. We are happy, we are healthy, we are free, and we live life on our own terms. The reason we are thriving is because we have redefined the word relationship in a way that best suits us.

The world keeps changing, and we embrace that. We understand that there are countless ways to have a relationship and they are all enjoyable, and gratifying. We are not afraid to try new things, experience different types of men, redefine romance, and prioritize ourselves. There is a growing number of women who are waking up and realizing that there is no such thing as prince charming, or if there was, it is okay to divorce him, and try someone else.

We are all okay. We are not broken, and we don’t need counseling. What we need is a new perspective on what it means to be a healthy woman, and a willingness to embrace that. Today, it is more important than ever to insist on defining ourselves. Many of us are still struggling to break free from the rules imposed on us by society, expectations set forth by our parents, and judgment inflicted by the media. It is time we realized that there is nothing wrong with women who are not in relationships, there is something wrong with people who are starving for one.

No kidding, some of us are complete without boyfriend, husband, baby, or diamond ring. Those of us who have those things, are redefining what it means to be a wife or mother in a way that best suits us, and lately, focus on ourselves, our own needs, and personal goals is making some wives and mothers healthier and happier than ever.

I’d love to open my social media feed and see something positive printed about women who have better things to do than chase relationships. How excited are we when our best friend gets promoted to VP, buys her own home, gets the 100th stamp in her passport? Not so much. But when she bashes some man who neglected to text her, or expresses anger that a man won’t give her commitment, we join the pity party and start bashing too. Really? Are men who won’t commit bad men? No, like us, they have choices, and they simply haven’t chosen her.

There is also this toxic attitude that we are owed a relationship. There are still women who believe if we went on a date, we are owed a phone call. We sent out a text, so we are owed a reply. We waited 13 dates before we slept with him, so we are owed a relationship. We dated him for 11.5 months, so we are owed a proposal. Do you see why some women are still beating themselves up when the man doesn’t deliver a relationship status or perform to their expectations? Does he owe us anything? Well, if you made a deal or a contract that you will get a proposal in exchange for a year of happy dating, then maybe. But if you believe that the purpose of dating is to get to know one another, and see if there is an equal interest among both parties, then can you blame a person for choosing not to propose?

The word relationship is defined as the way in which two or more people, talk to, behave toward, and deal with each other. We all relate to each other in our own unique ways, so is there a debt to be paid to someone with whom we have spent some time? Is it a crime for a man to walk away?

No man, no baby, no ring will ever complete a woman. Like men, we must find our own purpose, we must know ourselves. There is a tremendous value in being single, and that is the opportunity to define ourselves. That doesn’t happen overnight, in fact, it mostly happens to women in their forties. Without the time to explore, taste everything, make mistakes, find our own path, pursue a career, who are we?

Today, we are the media. We spend more time on social feeds than we do reading actual news. Today we make the news by blogging, sharing posts, and commenting. Perhaps it is time for us to choose a different response to those who report that life is bleak without a relationship. Rather than join the pity party, simply show them how you are thriving on your own terms.

So, the next time you hear a friend complain about lack of relationships, point out her abundance of friends. If she is bashing men for not returning calls, gently point out he had other calls to make. When the media paints a bleak picture of women without men, write letters to the editor or post your comments online, and show them your reality.

Often, I get criticized for speaking too bluntly. And I always have to reiterate that I am not against marriage, relationships, or home. I am for women defining themselves, having numerous choices, selecting from a wide variety of best possible men, exploring the world, charting their own course, and completing themselves. It is only when we experience everything that life has to offer that we become whole.

S

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Hold Wants Lightly, and What You Seek Will Find You

“Hold wants lightly, and what you seek will find you. Hold wants tightly, and what you want will forever elude you” TheGoddessPrinciples.net
Though I am not religious, Buddha’s words always resonate. And though this is NOT a quote by Buddha, it is based on his instruction to want things gently or lightly. Buddha is often misunderstood, mainly because language does not translate without losing much of the intent behind the lesson.

It is important to understand what Buddha meant by the word wanting and how to understand the power of the word. Many modern day spiritualists and yoga practitioners instruct us that we should be free of want.The word want, has been mistranslated over the centuries, but what Buddha truly meant is that we should be free of need, needing, or needyness. The two words are closely related in the English language, and no wonder they are often used interchangeably, but there is a fine distinction between want and need, and it is in how each word feels and the energy that it carries.

 

Focus on each statement separately. I am wanting love. I am needing love. Repeat each sentence a few times and pay attention how each word feels in your gut and your heart. You will notice that want feels more positive. It implies I want and will get. It feels more positive, because there is a component of faith or confidence in that statement. Need feels more negative, as that need is a pining, a hunger, a striving for something I lack.

 

Buddha was trying to warn us to not be needy of things. It is okay to want things, to fantasize about them, no matter what they are, but in order to receive them we have to have some faith that they are coming. There has to be a feeling of confidence that what I want, I will be able to manifest. In need, there is an awareness that it isn’t already here, or on its way to me. There is an element of doubt in that word, as if one knows that the universe has failed them before.

 

The above quote is my own. It is based on my own experience of testing wanting and needing, and observing the manifestations that come from holding each energy. When I want things lightly, they come to me quickly, when I want something badly, desperately, or I pine for it, it never comes. Or, it comes only after I have given up on it.

 

Last year I made a spreadsheet of the things I have wanted, rated them on a scale of 1-10 in the level of wantingness, 10 being I wanted it desperately. And I observed how quickly the goal manifested after I changed my energy on the subject. I wasn’t surprised to see the things I had been pining for years have not materialized yet. The things I struggled with only materialized after I stopped the struggle and dropped them from my list of “wanting badly”. And the easiest manifestations were the ones I wanted gently.

 

How to want gently or lightly? Unfocus from the specific person or object and feel more general. Rather than focusing on a specific lover with particular characteristics, feel like you would want love with an awesome, exciting, loving person. Rather than focusing on sticking to the specifics of a business plan, hell bent on following through each step exactly as projected, focus on the fun of operating a business and meeting unexpected obstacles and opportunities with  welcoming sense of amusement. Know that you will handle each unexpected turn of events with a sense of humor, resourcefulness, and expect that when the universe gives you an obstacle, it is pointing you in a new direction.

 

Wanting gently or lightly means not being hell bent on getting it. It is okay if I receive it, and if I don’t, no big deal. I am happiest with Toblerone and Nutella, but when I receive a Godiva truffle, I enjoy that too.  I am happiest when I am dating a tall, sexy, European with an MBA, but when the universe introduces me to a handsome American with chiseled biceps and a motorcycle, hey, why not be grateful for that too? Wanting things gently means leaving plenty of room for the unexpected and being okay with it too. The universe will keep delivering, as long as you keep wanting and being grateful for its gifts.

 

But, needing it to be exactly as envisioned means leaving no room for the universe to bring you its magic. You say you want your own business, but you are not willing to deal with hot tempers, ungrateful employees, unsatisfied customers, non-paying clients, unethically sourced materials,stressful deadlines or situations that have not been spelled out in your original business plan. Well, now you are wanting something that can only come under very specific conditions. And since each of those conditions is unwanted, basically you are showing the universe you are not grateful for it, and that you have no faith that it is all on its way to you anyway.

 

Does it seem unfair how some people work hard for what they want, yet others receive everything effortlessly?  I proved this to myself when I made a spreadsheet of all my wants and needs, and realized that those things I have needed most, continue to elude me. The things I have received are the things I have completely given up on, become non-attached to, cut my cords with, moved on from, or shifted my energy.

 

Go ahead, make a short list of the things you want the most in life. Aren’t those the things you have been trying to grab onto tightly, or fight for the hardest? Many of you know that I have been practicing the art of non-attachment for years, and letting go of the things I wanted the most. Not surprisingly, by letting go of people, objects and situations I wanted most, I started to receive those things easily. I went from being alone, to being

overwhelmed by how many men shower me with attention and want my commitment.. I went from having no job prospects to receiving multiple offers in a three month period. It is a matter of shifting your energy, and always being honest with yourself. Am I wanting or am I badly needing it?

 

Need is not a good feeling, but understanding that you are in the wrong frame of mind is very liberating. You now know that you have to let it go, so that you can receive something better.

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I Absolutely Love My Crazy, Sexy, Beautiful, Single Life

It’s no secret, I LOVE being single, and I always have. I love the freedom of it, I love getting and staying in touch with myself, exploring my inner Goddess and talking to her every day. I love all aspects of my crazy, sexy, single life. Now that I have freed myself from social expectations, media garbage, and the opinions of friends who don’t enjoy dating, I am enjoying, basking, and exploring the fascinating world of men and dating. I love them all.

 

6 yrs ago as I was freeing myself from a 15 yr relationship, I resolved to have the most thrilling dating, sexual, and relationship experience. I was on a mission to sample it all, learn from everyone, sample the bon-bons in this candy store called life. And what an awesome experience it has been. It is so good, that I have had to step back, and re-evaluate the value of marriage, contractual relationships, and tradition. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against any of those things, but having thrown myself into this wonderland of men, sex and dating, I simply don’t want to leave.

 

The contrast to my experience is all around me. Open any newspaper, read any blog, and you’ll read sagas written by social commentators, psychologists and “experts” about how pathetic it is to be a single woman today. They portray us as lonely, despondent, and disappointed with the choices we made to educate ourselves and advance our careers, because now we can’t have a man who matches our qualifications. This is absolute bullshit, and I urge you ladies to stop listening to this garbage. It disempowers you, and cuts you off from that connection with your higher self, the self that knows that life is absolutely divine, and that the world is your oyster.

 

I am constantly amazed by how many young, energetic, ambitious, fearless women I know today. I am surrounded by women who are happy, growing, exploring, liberated, thriving. We travel the world, can afford the best things in life, treat ourselves very well (much better than any man could). We invest in our personal growth, we walk our own path fearlessly because being single is nothing to fear.  We are professionals, we are exposed, we are worldly, and we are experienced. Apparently, a lot of people, especially the media have a problem with that.

 

Since I founded The Goddess Principles, my mission has been to inspire women to take off their blindfolds. Shut off your TV, better yet, get rid of the relic. Unsubscribe to all mass media, and just say no to the toxic sludge that media feeds you. It is what is making women so depressed.

 

The world is a beautiful place, and it is exceptionally exciting if you are a single, educated woman with some disposable income. The truth I discovered since I embarked on this journey is that there is no shortage of men at all. There never has been, and there never will be. I am constantly surrounded by excellent, loving, giving, affectionate, gorgeous, generous, educated men in my own age group and younger, and they all want me. If you are experiencing anything different, it is because you believe in the shortage.

 

I am not skinnier, smarter, nor more beautiful than an average woman, yet my dating experience is an absolute adventure. In fact, when I was of the mindset that equated a single woman over 40 to a hopeless spinster, all I could see were old, bald, divorced men around me, as part of my reality. But once I rejected the ideas that a woman my age should have to settle for less, once I rejected the attitude that without a man I have nothing, a whole new world opened up.

 

Everyone knows I am absolutely fascinated with the mind, and how it creates its own reality. Much of what we believe about ourselves and our reality is spoon fed to us by media. The mind accepts those stories, and builds a reality from that projection.

 

Today, I have a new reality. I created it by getting rid of my TV, cancelling my subscription to the New York Times, and I religiously protect myself from negative media, bloggers who paint an ugly portrait of the single life. I surround myself with women who are thriving, I join groups of women who are winning, and I absolutely love getting to know women who live life on their own terms.

 

I recently joined a Facebook community of female travelers called Girls Love Travel. If you are looking for inspiration for how real women live and thrive, I urge you to join this group. These are women of all ages, who travel the world, sample all its pleasures, speak freely on all subjects, encourage and inspire women to break the boundaries and just live life to its fullest.

 

Most of my readers know that I coach women into becoming total Goddesses in every aspect of their lives. I do this intuitively, and I channel most of the ideas and information I present to my clients and followers. I truly believe that we are divine, and when we are connected to our inner selves, we shine in the most spectacular way. When we are in touch with that higher self, we are in touch with the truth of what it means to be a woman. That truth is hidden from us, and has been dormant for centuries.

 

Some of us are waking up, stepping outside the box, and seeing that there is a whole world out there. That world is to be explored, for that world is your domain. It is a wonderland of the most beautiful experiences life has to offer, and you are to sample and learn from it all. You are to delight in all of life’s pleasures, and that includes exotic travel, the feeling of independence, fearlessness, laughter, beautiful men, sexual adventures, champagne, lot’s of candy, confidence, self-knowledge, never-ending orgasms, because this is life!

S

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Unconditional Love Comes to Those Who Don’t Believe in Conditions

How can you find unconditional love, if you believe so much in conditions?  We all talk about unconditional love as if it is life’s ultimate goal, but have very little understanding of the concept. I see that those people who pine for it, are the ones who are the most resistant to it.

 

Unconditional love is the purest love there is. By definition, it is love without condition. It is not dependent on anything, or any person at all. It exists no matter what. It exists without an object to love, it exists without a situation, it exists when there is no reason. What makes it eternal is the fact that it resides in you, what makes it end, is the belief that it is about the other person.

 

And so for most people, the burden of keeping love alive falls on the other person, or the situation. If the other person truly loves me, he should love me forever. If the other person continues to behave in the way that we agreed upon, our love will be eternal. If the other person loves me, he or she will give me commitment. If he is truly committed, he will want to sign a contract. IF, if, if. But if the other person has a responsibility to love us, and an obligation to keep the love and commitment alive, then how can we insist that the love is pure or unconditional?  Responsibility and accountability are a burden, not freedom to love.

 

What’s worse is that if that person happens to grow, evolve, or change during the course of the relationship, and as a result of that growth they begin to desire a person who better reflects their new self, then where does that leave us? Betrayed? Disgruntled? Are they now in violation of a contract?

 

And so, many of us still view breakups, divorce and moving on, as some sort of a violation. We view the person who was formerly the object of our love as a traitor, or a criminal for not abiding by the rules we set forth in the love contract. If the contract is broken, surely the love must be too?

 

Many of us still believe that if we can contractualize love, we will guarantee its eternity. If the contract is solid enough, it will protect us from pain, heartache, and prevent that person from later choosing someone else, or moving on. If that person does so anyway, it is the fault of the other person, not us.

 

Yet practically every culture believes that love is a contract. Regardless of whether it is a marriage contract, a verbal agreement, a cohabitation agreement, or a Facebook relationship status, the vast majority of people searching for unconditional love are solely focused on its conditions. And the more adamant the person is about the conditions, the more likely they are to encounter toxic relationship experiences. They connect to people who too have their own conditions, and are then surprised when neither can reasonably meet the rules, expectations, or terms set forth by their partner.

 

This really isn’t most people’s fault. Every soap opera, romance novel, religious edict commands that true love must be traded in exchange for a lifetime commitment. Only when it is traded in exchange for a rock-solid contract, and only when both people behave according to the terms of it, can we boast that we have found pure love.

 

So, what exactly is unconditional love? Without any conditions, pure love is free to be just that, LOVE. It exists no matter what. But how can love exist no matter what, if the person I want, isn’t behaving according to my needs? How can love exist no matter what, if he is looking for love in other places? How can love exist no matter what, if I have no relationship status, if I am not wearing a ring, if he is looking at other women, if he isn’t paying attention to me, if he isn’t completing me, if he isn’t calling, texting, sending me roses?

 

Love doesn’t come in a bouquet of roses, and it doesn’t come from a relationship status. Love is not about the other person at all. Love is you. Is there love in your heart at all times, or is it just there when you find someone to love? Do you love yourself, or do you love yourself only when someone else shows you love? Are you satisfied or are you starving for someone to love? Think about it objectively. Where exactly is that love? Is it inside you, showered upon yourself and other people freely, or is it reserved only for certain situations? Do you love everyone, every day, all day long, or do you love only when someone is giving you a relationship?

 

Pure love is free. It is free or requirements, conditions, rules, or obligations, responsibility, or contracts. It comes to those who do not look for conditions. Though most women I know want marriage, the ones who marry soonest are the ones who never pined for marriage at all. It also comes to those who have dropped marriage as a requirement, and were willing to open up their hearts to love long before a lover showed up.

 

When we look for conditions that will satisfy us, the object of our attention becomes that situation for which we are willing to trade love. But love that is traded in exchange for anything at all is not love.

 

I have said it many times, but it is worth repeating that eternal love is love for the self. That realization was the most powerful moment of my life, because in that instance I realized that I will always have love, no matter what. It resides inside me, and I shower it freely upon all people, because there is always more. I am not afraid of losing it after a breakup. The other person, as much as I loved him is not responsible for it, and he is free to act in his own best interest. I continue to love him anyway, no mater where he is. And I continue to love myself as I always have.

 

That love is eternal because as long as I am alive, it will reside in me. I never believed that I have the right to demand that another person walk my path for all eternity, nor that he should sacrifice his eternity to me. In my opinion that would be heartless and narcissistic. We claim that an animal trapped in a cage is an example of cruelty, but that a human trapped in a contract is somehow virtuous. Really?

 

No, my lovers are always free. They are free to love me as much or as little as they are comfortable. I place no demands because I know that my love for myself will always be greater anyway. They are free to enjoy my company as long as it is pleasant for both of us, I don’t ask for more because my own company is the most pleasing of all. They are free to grow themselves, evolve, make other choices, and eventually walk their own path. I encourage this for my own growth, my own progress, and out of respect for my own path.

 

In learning to love unconditionally and freely, I have observed some remarkable effects. Men respond to me with utmost respect, affection, and devotion. They are striving to please me, study ways in which to be of service, are more giving of themselves than ever before. They seek to bond, express immense care, kindness and passion, and these expressions are beautiful to experience. I keep walking in a state of free love, offering no commitment to anyone because I have not found the one yet. I have no conditions lovers must satisfy, I love them anyway.

 

I believe there are many soul mates, and each one reflects who we are at a particular point in our lives. Right now, I am not ready to commit or marry, and will continue to be single as long as I love being single. That may be a couple of years or eternity, but my point is that as long as I am free of conditions, love flows freely to me at all times. There is no shortage of love, lovers, or loving encounters. It all flows to me in an endless stream of experiences.  I revel in all that is coming my way, without questioning why it isn’t more, why doesn’t it come with a ring, why isn’t he offering me a contract?

 

If you are searching for unconditional love, it would be worth your time to list your conditions. Be kind to yourself, we have all grown up in a world where love was depicted as an unbreakable contract. As you look at your conditions, spend some time pondering what it would be like if those conditions weren’t an option. What would happen if the institution of marriage collapsed? Could you love anyway? What would happen if a fortune teller declared you will never marry? How would you choose to live then, without love?  Could you be affectionate with a person who does not love you? Could you be loving to someone whose heart belonged to someone else, but was willing to offer you his affection?

 

Slowly go through all your conditions and work on eliminating them. This is a process that takes time. Perhaps it is time to change your perspective, or to question society’s expectations, and whether they are of any service to you. When you are able to eliminate all the conditions from your list, you will experience an immense sense of freedom. You will see that there are no more conditions to love, and that now you are free to love all there is. In that place, you will find your center, your true self, your inner being. You will see that it radiates with pure, undying love that cannot be contained. Allow yourself to feel that love without restriction for as long as you can. Then watch. Watch what happens next.

 

As you love freely, you will see that all people love you freely too. They are now free to be with you, in your presence without fear that you will place demands or conditions on them. First you will notice the reactions of strangers. They will profess their fascination,  approval, and interest in you. Let them. Next you will notice changed behaviors of friends. Some will be offended by your unconditional love of them, let them walk away. They are people who need conditions and will not be able to stand your freedom and the immensity of your love. Keep loving them and all there is anyway. Soon you will notice interest from the opposite sex, and see a vast difference in how they now perceive you. Be patient, because as you become comfortable with your newfound love and gain your bearings, the men will keep changing. I guarantee that each one will offer you more, be better than the one before, and reflect your ever growing self. Keep moving. Love them, but free them anyway, there is more for you.

 

It was my experience that the more I opened myself up to unconditional love, and accepted freedom as the only way to love purely, the universe showered me with all sorts of love. In my first year I got asked out by 73 people. Of course I wasn’t interested in most of them, but men kept offering themselves up to me, and that was a beautiful way for me to acknowledge that love is everywhere.

 

No matter what the future brings, I will always have love in its purity. Of that I am certain. Since I found unconditional love I have never been lonely, incomplete or dissatisfied.  It isn’t another person’s responsibility to entertain, complete or satisfy us, that work is our own.

 

S

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When You Fall in Love With Your Solitude, Everyone Wants to Be With You

When you fall in love with your solitude, everyone wants to be with you.

I have always loved being alone. It is my time to re-charge, pamper myself, and quiet my mind. But, I understand that many people don’t like being alone. Some find it uncomfortable, others find sadness in solitude.

 

A few years ago, I started to filter events, people, and situations out of my life, as stress and drama was taking a toll on my inner peace. So, I retreated into myself, and started spending more time than usual by myself.

 

The first thing I noticed was that the more I fell in love with my solitude, the more other people wanted to be a part of it. At first, it was a bit annoying, but later, I realized just how powerful of a magnet I was becoming.

 

To me, there is nothing more precious than me-time. But, I actually fell in love with solitude so much, that I started taking vacations by myself, treated myself to champagne sunsets, scenic road-trips, luxury spa retreats, and exotic foreign destinations. The more I fell in love, the more other people fell in love with how I was living. And, suddenly everyone I knew was begging me to take them along for the ride.

 

This solitude was so appealing to me that it showed in my attitude, my demeanor and my social media posts. The more I fell in love with it, the more others wanted to be a part of it. There is something magnetic about loving your life, your lifestyle, your personal time and yourself. Other people fall in love it it as well.

 

Knowing that I am easily affected by the energy of others, I started to carefully guard my solitude. From past experience I knew that the minute I let in one person into my me-time, that time was no longer precious.

 

I also noticed two things, one a bit annoying, and the other a pleasant surprise. The annoying thing was, that many of my girlfriends whom I was trying to convince to do the same, were adamant about not wanting to be alone, but insisting that I take them along with me. It was as if they found being alone uncomfortable, yet I owed it to them to share my beautiful solitude. My answer was NO, and I am glad I didn’t compromise.

 

The other thing I noticed was how men started to treat me. The more I fell in love with my lifestyle and my time, the more they too wanted to be a part of it. There was a peace they all could sense in being with me, and many men commented how much they would enjoy my company.

 

If you can achieve the same, and absolutely relish your solitude, you will find that people will automatically be drawn to you. But, I would advise you to be very careful with whom you share your time.  Some people wanted to be with me out of a need to fill a gap in their lives. I find this unhealthy, and as selfish as this sounds, I refuse to complete anybody. That places me in an uncomfortable position of being someone’s band-aid, when it is their responsibility to work on, and complete themselves. Other people, also loved to be alone, and they respected my boundaries.

As far as the men were concerned, I applied the same rule. Many wanted to be with me, but that doesn’t mean that I should automatically give them my time.  My time was reserved for men whose company was more interesting than my alone time. Yes, those men are rare, but being able to filter men out of your dating pool is of utmost importance. You quickly get to see why they want your time. Men are needy too (my theory is they are more needy than women), and they too can be a drain on my energy.

Even when I am in a relationship, my solitude remains of utmost importance. Regardless of who he is, he must respect my time, and need to be by myself. The men who understand that are the ones I get along with best, but even that is not enough. Though I never verbally state this, I observe very keenly how much I enjoy their company. If the time I spend with them is not better than my time alone, then I reserve little time for them. And when their company is absolutely enjoyable, I give them more of my time.

This has resulted in me becoming a magnet for people. The friends I attract into my life are now all happy, independent, capable people who are healthy and have complete lives of their own. Nothing is missing from their lives, which makes them very pleasant to be with. And the men I date tend to be the same. They are whole, purposeful, well-rounded, and secure with themselves.

 

They say you attract exactly what you project, and I am living proof. No, the process was not easy, but I am glad I went down the path of self-discovery and finding my peace. Aside from being highly therapeutic, solitude is a spiritual experience that can guide you toward finding your purpose, your center, but most of all, yourself.

S

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I Love All My Exes

There is a freedom, and an immense liberation in loving people anyway. All of those who we have walked away from, those we have lost, those who will never come back. It may be contrary to how we have been taught to love, but religion, romance novels, and dating manuals have taught us to love conditionally.

 

When we love in exchange for something like a relationship, commitment, a ring, we love conditionally. Yet, since the dawn of religion, women have been indoctrinated into believing that love in exchange of marriage, respect, or eternity, is the only kind of love. We have been told that anything else is sinful, shameful, a sign of mental illness or lack of morality.

 

But there is something inherently wrong and absolutely disempowering with this concept. It is no wonder when it comes to love, sex and dating, that women have been disempowered for centuries, left to chase and pine for romance, fidelity, respect, and the ultimate symbol of validation- the marriage contract.

 

But, historically, men have always had a free pass to sow their wild oats, experience love, lust, passion, heartache, rebounds, defeat, comebacks, the chase, and all of life’s guilty pleasures. Experience is power, and the one thing women have been shielded from in the past, is experience.

 

Once I gave myself permission to experience all that love has to offer, I learned just what a powerful creature I am. I found myself on equal footing, and very often above the power any Romeo has in love, sex, and relationships. I am not boasting, I am simply encouraging women to experience more, and do so fearlessly.

 

One of the biggest lessons I learned that has enabled me to make fast recoveries, is to always keep my heart open, and to love people anyway. This is in fact, how we love unconditionally, purely, and fearlessly. When we trade love for a relationship (or anything else we need), we love conditionally. Naturally, when that relationship ends, we think we cannot, or should not love that person any more, and hence the immense heartache, saga, and pain we face trying to now erase that person out of our hearts. But this is unnecessary, and in fact demoralizing because we are now faced with the unattractive truth- we were trading.

 

This is not the woman’s fault at all. Every text ever written about love instructed us that this was the only way to love. The same texts taught us that women suffer for love, that love is extremely painful, and that women must protect themselves from potential of pain or too much experience. And thus, chastity, morality, respectability became more important than knowledge about relationships, and the truth about the power of unconditional love.

 

Years ago, as I was embracing this single life, and devoted myself to learning everything there is to know about love, my personal power, and my magnetism, I made a decision to love unconditionally and without fear of loss or rejection. I gave myself permission to love all men who have hurt me, all men I chose to walk away from, all relationships that taught me valuable lessons but no longer served me.  I noticed immediately, the power of keeping an open heart.

 

Loving someone anyway, gave me a new sense of freedom and liberation from pain.  It also allowed me to keep my power and self-respect, by understanding that the choice to love someone is all mine, and that choice doesn’t end just because someone has chosen to walk away. I still have the same power to love that person as much as I want, and as long as I want.

 

Continuing to love someone long after the relationship is over, is pure love because it is not dependent on a relationship. Continuing to love despite the breakup demonstrates that you never traded love for anything, and the freedom to love remains yours. That is a tremendous power to have in relationships.

 

Knowing that no one has the power to rip my heart open, and take away love, allows me to give love fearlessly, openly and unconditionally. That love doesn’t depend on anyone but myself. It depends on no conditions at all, and I am free to give it to whomever I choose. Does that make me immoral? No, it makes me a very powerful woman. Men can’t play games with me, I don’t crumble. When they see how freely I let them walk away, and keep walking, they beg to come back.

 

I don’t love freely to manipulate men- a Goddess doesn’t need to do that. I love freely, to be love.  I am love at all times, and shower worthy people with love energy when they are in my presence. I shower exes with love long after they leave, send them positive energy, wish them the best, hope they find better lovers than I ever was, and genuinely love them forever. Does it hurt? NO. The love remains in my heart forever, no matter where they are. Do I take them back? No. I have more love to share with men who have more experiences to show me. Am I cold or heartless? Ask anyone who knows me, and the answer is a resounding No- I radiate love.

 

Love is NOT in the other person. As long as you believe this, you will hurt when men walk away. Love is in YOU. As long as you know this, no one can take it away from you. You are free to love anyway. You are free to love as long as you want. And you are free to let people go, knowing that it is in everyone’s best interest. As far as I’m concerned, that is a powerful way to be.

 

Once I understood that love resides in my heart, and not in someone else, I understood what it means to love forever. It is ridiculous to demand any person devote their life and their eternity to me. I won’t be dependent on that fairy tale. True love is without condition, and without a contract. Pure love is always free flowing, no matter where the other person is.

 

Many people accuse me of being anti marriage, relationships, or romance, but nothing can be further from the truth. I have had all of those things, and will always continue to have them. I respect marriage, I simply teach women to not pine for it. I love romance, and my newfound power has drawn to me hordes of men expressing love and devotion to me. I revel in my magnetism, and teach women how to draw that power onto themselves.  I believe that every women owes it to herself to love herself openly, experience men shamelessly, and wield her personal power until she glows in her own divinity.

 

As always, no apologies and no regrets.

 

S

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Shhhh….I’m Busy Being Worshiped

Shhhh….I’m busy being worshiped.

The more my inner Goddess comes out, the more men are willing to crawl on their hands and knees for me. The more sure, the more self-possessed, the more independent I am, the more they need me.

I wasn’t always like this. Like all women, I spent years trying to figure out the opposite sex. But unlike most women, my goal wasn’t to get a man into a stable, long-term relationship, it was to get the upper hand, become empowered, and make them worship to me.

I finally figured it out, when I dropped the “finding a relationship” garbage, and decided to invest in a relationship with myself. For 3 years, I was my top priority. Every spare minute was reserved selfishly to myself. Every spare dollar was invested in treating myself to everything I knew I deserved.

I studied the world’s most powerful women, the most admirable ones, and found that they weren’t amazing because they followed social norms, or allowed anyone to define them, instead they broke all rules, followed their own bliss, and developed a ‘who gives a fuck’ attitude.

In doing that I started to appreciate myself, discover my inner Goddess that I had been suppressing for years, and letting it all come out. I stepped on a lot of toes, pissed off many friends, said good-bye to toxic relationships, and family members who were making me sick, and realized, I really like the real me. The real Sherry is ballsy, opinionated, worldly, fearless, loves champagne too much, dates younger men only, says exactly what she thinks, is adventuresome, brazen, and believes that life is a candy store, and all candy must be sampled before I die.

So who was I all those years, and why the hell was I so proper? If being polite, soft-spoken, reserved and supportive is what defines a woman, then I’m okay with not being one. Use whatever name for me you like, but I am okay not being a respectable woman. My best friends, bosses, and men who couldn’t have me, have called me a bitch, selfish, a heathen, a witch, insane, pathetic,  in need of counseling.

The simple fact is I eat cake every day, and I truly enjoy my life. I have no inner conflicts, I seek no one to complete me (trust me, many men are dying to have the chance to complete me). I travel with friends, but my favorite pass time is to explore the world solo. I don’t fear men, relationships, heartache, don’t whine about my biological clock, because I don’t have an expiration date.

I am okay with who I am, and once I started to worship myself, men started to do that for me. In years of experimenting and learning from relationships I realized that the one missing piece was ME. As soon as I really saw myself as supreme, as the one to be chased, wanted, pleased, and worshiped, the tables turned automatically, and men started to make me their top priority.

For me, this is now effortless. I have learned to not lift a finger in the relationship, My only work every day is to get in touch with me. I am still my most important project, and I revel in exploring myself, my mind, my body and my inner Goddess. And the new man in my life revels in me too.

The beauty of living like this is that I realized that there is no shortage of men out there at all. There is an over abundance of men my age or younger, who are willing to worship me. In the last six years that I have been single, I have not encountered a single man who did not want more of me, either more of a relationship or more commitment than I was willing to give. I have received three marriage proposals, and believe I am about to get a fourth one. I am not bragging, I am simply pointing out that I have changed my perception of myself, and almost immediately, people and men started to worship me.

My goal with these posts is to inspire women to review their self perception. Are we being true to ourselves when we let society define us? Is it worth to spend years in search of a husband, when men should be chasing us? Trust me, I discovered that men need women much more than we need them, and they need marriage, babies, reassurance and commitment, much more than we do.

So consider turning the tables. You’d be surprised what you discover. Your true power lies in your inner world. Isn’t it worth exploring?

S

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See the World Through Different Eyes

The world isn’t starving. You are.

Experience is life’s greatest teacher. Immersion in the unknown, the unexpected, and absolutely frightening can be a life altering experience.

I found myself, when I set off on a quest to experience the extraordinary through traveling solo. I discovered myself, my uniqueness, my fearlessness, my independence- those characteristics I love about myself the most.

I also began to see the world through different eyes. I came to understand that there is nothing wrong with the world, and that we don’t need to fix it. There is something wrong however, with people who see something wrong with the world. So rather than fix it, I began enjoying all that the world has to offer.

In my travels through India, Cambodia, Thailand, and Africa, I encountered what looked like extreme poverty. The more I immersed myself, and allowed myself to experience people and children up close, I realized that they are not poor at all, in fact, they do not see themselves as poor. They don’t even understand the meaning of the word.

We judge their condition by our own standards, and assume that what is necessary for us, is also what is missing from their lives. But, most of the countries I mentioned have never had clean water, nor what meets our health codes. Most villagers have never had electricity, running water, nor air conditioning, nor do they care if they have them. Most of their children, despite a lack of school supplies, are bright, aware, informed, ambitious, responsible, accountable, and well behaved.

So rather than set out to change the world and improve it in our own image, perhaps what we need to do is get out there to change ourselves. If there is something missing, it is within us, if there is something wrong, that is within us too.

Seeing the world as oppressed, hungry, in need of repair is a sign that in some way, those conditions reflect our inner being. So, please don’t land in a foreign country with a mission to teach them, improve them, or fix them. Arrive with your heart and mind open, and allow yourself to be taught, improved and repaired.

S

 

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I Am The Woman Of My Dreams

Let me make myself clear: I am the woman of my dreams. I really like myself, in fact, I adore myself. I make no apologies for that. I am educated, polished, worldly, experienced, adventuresome, stubborn, tough, unapologetic, fearless, sexy, young, kind, well-liked, confident, opinionated, outspoken, a leader.

I reject tradition, religious dogma, gender roles, social norms, older men, control, regulation, attention seekers, labels, decorum, political correctness, dependency, anything that limits my free will.

I live life to the fullest. I travel the world solo, and with good friends, I drink champagne all day. I drive fast cars, buy myself diamonds, treat myself to beautiful objects. I love younger men, and have no problem experiencing them. When I am 99 years old, and laying on my death bed, I will be smiling.

To some, liking myself this much may be considered narcissistic. Not sorry that some have a problem with that. I live my life by my rules, and make no apologies for that. I treat myself better than anyone else could ever treat me- not because I am compensating, or seeking validation, but because I totally deserve it.

I would love it if every woman loved herself this much. I would love it if every woman made herself priority number one. No matter what. I would love it if every woman spoke up for herself. I would love it if every woman realized that a Goddess is not some mythical creature fabricated by ancient religions.

I am real.

S

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In a Permanent State of Orgasm

Every human being comes into this world absolutely in love with itself. Just look into a child’s eyes, and you will see nothing but ecstasy in any given moment. The wonder of discovering one’s toes, the absolute pleasure of seeing your belly button for the first time. We laugh uncontrollably, unconditionally, at the sight of anything at all. This is the epitome of self-love.

But somewhere around age of 1, (about the time we start walking), we start to discover the world around us. Though we are not fully self aware, we begin to explore our surroundings and as we fall, break objects, or bump into things, we begin to hear the word No.

In their best intentions, they start using the word N to protect us from harm. But what is No? It is denial. It is denial of what we want right now that will please us most, in the now.

As time progresses, we hear more No’s, but we also learn to mimic people around us. We begin to talk the way they talk, to move the way they do, to absorb the energy, attitudes, and feelings of grown ups around us. When they laugh, we laugh. When they hate, even though that doesn’t feel right, we try to “feel” for our parents and understand how and why they hate.

Eventually, our feelings toward us are the feelings our parents project onto us, as well as the feelings they have for themselves. Self love, though a natural part of the soul, begins to extinguish, and we begin to accept society’s idea that self love is somehow shameful, selfish, conceited, narcissistic, and wrong.

Forty years later, a woman is struggling to understand how she can possibly love herself. It may not even be a goal to love herself, until she realizes that she cannot find someone to love her, until she accomplishes that task. But really, why do we deny the most basic human need to other humans?

Self-love should be taught in schools. It should be encouraged in every child no matter how much society screams against it. After all, would we need organized religion if we were all in love with ourselves? Probably not. Would women be starving themselves, pining for men, worrying about their biological clocks, obsessing over anything, voraciously reading romance novels, and believing in fairy tales and prince charming if they were absolutely in love with themselves? No. Instead, we would have a healthy view of our selves, and in that immense self appreciation we would be aware that we are Goddesses.

I find that later in life, women embark on a project to get to know themselves, and learning to appreciate ourselves with all our flaws is a monumental task. Most only accept the bare minimum they need in order to get by.

But what is a Goddess? Take a look at a little girl, and you will have your answer.

She is absolutely happy with herself. She is content to play all by herself in her room with her toys, but when others join her play, she treats them kindly.

She needs nothing, because she has everything. At a young age, she has no obsessions, no self denial, no worries, she is not aware of any of her flaws.

She has no need for men or boys. She has no need for girls or friends to fill holes in her life. She is not even aware that a boy could in any way fulfill her needs, or improve her life in any way. That is because she is aware of her inner truth. No one can fulfill her, complete her, or do anything at all- she revels in her own perfection.

Kids are not aware of lack. But at a certain age, they begin to absorb like sponges an awareness of what is missing in their lives. As they become aware of what is wrong, they lose sight of what is absolutely perfect.

Adults show them that we cannot be happy unless we have someone to love us. Wrong. A child knows inherently that love is for the self. A child knows naturally that happiness is everywhere. A child knows with 100% certainty that he/she is all there is. A child is the universe all by itself. And we indoctrinate that child with the opposite of truth.

When in doubt, ask yourself how would a little Goddess see herself. Would she select the best possible box of candy for herself, the biggest ice-cream there is, or would she choose the tiniest, yuckiest treat for herself? A Goddess will chose the best for herself at all times. Do you choose the best man, or do you settle for the one who will have you? Do you buy yourself the best shoes you can afford, or do you tell yourself you don’t need to show off? Perhaps you have forgotten what self love is.

Does a little Goddess know that she will be judged by how she learns to accommodate men, does she care if boys will accept her, does she know that she has a biological expiration date? Does she dream of being an astronaut and is she even aware how difficult becoming one would be? NO. All she knows is she is going to be an astronaut. What you have accepted in life, is what you have settled for. But, that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve more.

Being in love with oneself, is giving yourself permission to want the best for yourself. This is not narcissistic. This is healthy. Being in love with yourself means being okay when others have more, or better. We are so in love with ourselves, we don’t seethe with envy when someone is doing better, instead we clap our hands and wish them even more.

A woman who is absolutely in love with herself feels complete at all times. She does not obsess over relationships, friendships, or other people. She is all there is, and she is perfectly content. Ironically, this is the Goddess most men dream of, and rarely meet.

A woman who is absolutely in love with herself does not judge others, especially not other women. She understands that they too are walking the path toward self-discovery and allows them their mistakes, their flaws, their experiments, their self-expression no matter how they chose to live.

A woman who is absolutely in love with herself walks in a permanent state of orgasm. You may have heard Buddhist and Hindus refer to this concept. She walks in Kundalini. This is the moment when a woman awakens, discovers her power, her inner Goddess, and is so in love and in awe of herself, the experience is orgasmic. At that moment she realizes, no man could ever fulfill her. She is all there is.
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No One Owes it To You To Grow With You

Spiritual growth is a personal journey. It requires a certain level of self-possession, to embark on a path all by oneself. It is this path of solitude that teaches us to become self aware, self reliant, self expressive, self possessed. It is the process of facing our worst fears on our own, that teaches us to become fearless. It is the process of walking in complete darkness that causes us to awaken.

To find yourself, you must be willing to be by yourself. You must embrace solitude as you would embrace a lover. Solitude is life’s greatest teacher, yet so many of us dread it.

Most of us have experienced the dread of solitude, but that experience is not enlightening at all. We all know what it is like to be alone, feel lonely, and yearn for someone to join our journey. That experience is NOT the path to personal growth.

It is the Love of solitude that allows us to increase awareness of the world around us. It is the Love and Worship and Embrace of solitude that allows us to experience the universe, nature, and all its gifts.

I am often contacted by people seeking guidance in finding themselves. When I inquire about their solitude, I receive combative responses about how solitude is Not what they are after. Instead, they are seeking peace, serenity, love, bonding, safety, security and forever. What they are telling me is that their solitude was an unpleasant experience. What I am encouraging is to find the beauty in solitude. There is no growth at all, until we can shut off the world around us, and revel in its stillness.

You see, there is a different kind of solitude than the one society tells us to be afraid of. There is such a thing as a powerful, meaningful, beautiful solitude, that opens our eyes and ears, balances our energies, and flings our hearts wide open. It lights us up like shining beacons, and once we see the beauty in its mystery, there is no going back to the life of a mortal.

We have all heard the saying “God helps those, who help themselves”. What does that mean? Admittedly, I am not fan of organized religion nor its doctrines, but there are many shreds of truth buried between the lines. The saying means that you must take your life, your spirituality, your growth into your own hands, and become solely responsible for it. Only then can you see the light.

Demanding that others teach you, guide you, support you, be there for you, hold your hand through the difficult process, is the furthest thing from the path. It guarantees that you will not find it.

Spiritual growth is a path of divine solitude. It is a path that is open to everyone, but only some have the courage to embark upon in, and do the work. Those few are the ones who are truly deserving of the gifts, the magic, the light, the guidance, the knowledge, and all its blessings. The work is your own, and if you want to receive, you must help yourself.

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Bartering Sex for Commitment- Are You a Trader?

People speak of loyalty as if it is something they’re entitled to. Ask for it, and stand in dismay, when you don’t receive it.

It is those same people who give away loyalty to anyone they like or need, and expect loyalty from everyone in return. But just because you offered your loyalty to someone, does not mean they should give it back to you so easily.  Can cheap and easy loyalty be counted on? Of course not.

My loyalty is to be earned. Sorry you think that sounds egotistic, but my time is precious, and I won’t waste it being loyal to people who don’t deserve me. Who deserves my company? Only those who have EARNED my respect, earned my attention, earned my trust, and earned my loyalty. That takes years to earn, I don’t hand it to people on a silver platter.

I have a problem with transactional relationships, where something is offered and something expected in return. Let’s face it, most of our romantic relationships are transactional. Women are told to gift sex in exchange for commitment. We are told to prove our loyalty to a man first, and then if we are good enough, he might give us some commitment in return. Some day, eventually, when he deems necessary.

But transactional relationships are not pure, and they rarely serve women at all. You can be sure that when you trade anything in exchange for respect, you will be treated like a trader, and definitely not with respect. And here is where culture, tradition and religion fail women.

To be good women, we have to show proof of loyalty, obedience and commitment up front, in exchange that he will some day, after he has sewn his wild oats, offer us the same. We are told that if we invest ourselves into building a relationship, and only give sex to a person we are in a relationship with, that we will be rewarded with a marriage contract, a solid and stable future, and only then can we be whole and validated.

It is no wonder that some women are calling bullshit! Many of us still cling to the tradition of trading our unswerving loyalty in exchange for the fairy tale, but many are waking up and realizing we have been duped into trading since the dawn of mankind. On one hand we are told by religion, tradition, and academics that this is the only way for a woman to be, but on the other hand, women who have been “trading” have been called manipulative, whores, gold diggers, and soulless.

Do you see the unfairness, and the emotional damage this has caused woman? Yet this is the prescription we have all been sold, since the dawn of mankind.

I for one, do not trade. My loyalty is not for sale, and neither is my respect, my trust, nor a relationship with me. In short, you cannot buy my friendship, my commitment, nor my respect. Not under any circumstances. So what do I do?

I am fully aware of who I am as a person, my goals and ambitions, personal morals and ethics, my emotional and physical needs, and I know what I want. I have no problem stating it, and I have no problem receiving it. In that awareness, I am always evaluating people on whether they meet my current needs as a friend, a lover, a business partner, or a sexual partner.

It is perfectly OK if they are not meeting those needs at all. They are entitled to being who they are, just as I am. If we are not a match, I walk away. This is not cruel, nor cold, it is a sign of self-respect.  I do not owe it to that person to try to teach them, change them, better them, or twist their arm into treating me the way I want to be treated. They owe me nothing either.

Getting to know someone is simply a time to assess a person’s characteristics and determine if they fit my needs. There is no trade of expected behavior in exchange for time and attention, no trade of physical intimacy in exchange for emotional intimacy, no trade of loyalty in exchange for respect.

Trust me, when you trade any of those things women have been taught to trade for centuries, you will be reduced to a trader, and you will lose your self-respect.

Because I know myself, I am always aware of my boundaries, my personal limitations, and my needs. Unlike some women, I am capable of having sex with a man I am attracted to, and asking for nothing in return. No, this is not some dating tactic where I pretend to walk away, only to pique his interest- that would be juvenile manipulation. Instead, it is who I am, it is me, meeting my physical needs without bartering sex for affection or commitment.

Living on my own terms, and not expecting any frog to turn into a prince, has lead to a lot of men offering me their time, affection and commitment too soon. You see, my lifestyle had unintended, though positive consequences.  As a woman who does not trade, I have earned respect and attention from men who rarely give that to any woman. I have been offered marriage contracts, special treatment, undying loyalty, and much more from every frog I have ever kissed.

But here is where I differ from most women. Just because men offer me their world, does not mean I owe them my loyalty. After all, a frog is a frog, and just because he is dying to be my prince, does not mean that I have to take him.  My standards remain high, because I am not looking to turn a frog into a prince, I am looking for a man who fits me. I am not looking to fit myself into a man’s world, he should fit seamlessly into mine. I am perfectly capable of assessing where he falls short, and not making excuses for him. I keep walking because I haven’t met anyone worth stopping for.

I recently met a man who may fit that bill. He is kind, open, authentic, supportive, secure with himself, honest, affectionate, giving, respectful, human. We recognize each other. No demands are being made, because we see in each other those things we have in ourselves. We play no games, in fact we text without reserve, communicate forthrightly, place all our cards on the table face up. Neither of us is worried about getting hurt. Why?

Because we are not trading. We give ourselves openly without expecting something in return. We ask for no respect, as each of us is respectable and fully capable of respecting people who have earned it. There are no demands of commitment, declarations of intentions, discussions of relationship status. None of that matters.

It is too early to speculate what this relationship is. We are both okay with it being nothing at all. It is simply two people enjoying each other’s vibe, each other’s time and affection. Every relationship, regardless of status or its level of seriousness should be like this. This is the definition of a relationship that is pure. It is free of needs, neediness, ulterior motives, speculation, insecurity, and free of the need to contractualize it.

 

It is also free of drama, relationship anxiety, mind games, completely detached from what experts claim is the proper way to manage a relationship. It is not being managed at all. We are both comfortable with it being undefined, ambiguous, status-free, in short, we are both enjoying it exactly the way it is. Two uncomplicated people, with their hearts wide open, giving everything, but trading nothing, is exactly how every relationship should be.

S

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Offer No Loyalty to Men Who Do Not Meet My Needs

 

If women stopped sleeping with men who don’t respect our choices, our bodies, or our humanity, we wouldn’t still be fighting for our rights in the 21st century.

If women compromised their belief systems less, and understood the importance of selecting only men with proven track records, we would be so powerful. The minute she begins to work on accepting him with all his shortcomings, she begins to compromise herself, and she has just lost his respect. After all, if she is willing to accept less dignity, less fair treatment, less worship, lesser behavior, eventually, she will forget she is a Goddess.
Scrutinize more, and make no excuses for men who don’t worship you. Women are suffering from a major guilt trip imposed by the media. We are told that we are too picky, too choosy, too selfish to be investing in our careers, and are scared into believing that if we don’t settle on time, we will be sentenced to lonely spinsterhood. But such fear mongering, presses too many women to settle down, way down.

Unfortunately, many believe that it is more important to have a man, than it is to be with a man who respects and honors us, as well as other women. How careless it is to ignore his history of treating other women, the keeping of his past commitments, his voting record, his personal belief system?

Too many women are quick to look the other way, compromise, and make excuses for a man who has no track record in honoring women at all. We have all been guilty of this in the past, after all, it is a part of our learning process, and personal growth.

But being in a wholesome relationship means being with a person who honors you, not just with words, but with deeds, with proof, and with his voting record. Are you compromising too much?

Personally, I have always been happier alone, than in a relationship with someone who doesn’t show me respect. The older I grew, the more I realized how this belief honors me, how it empowers me, and how much more respect I command when I am with a solid man in a healthy relationship.

It took years to learn how not to compromise myself- I admit, I am a slow learner. But today, I love the woman that I am. I love my choices, my opinions, my stubborn loyalty to myself. I am not loyal to men who do not meet my needs, nor to men who make no effort to meet them. You shouldn’t be either.

Loyalty is something that must be earned, not something you should be quick to give away.

S

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Any Effort to Keep a Man in Your Life is Way Too Much

If you are doing anything at all to keep a man in your life, you are doing way too much. Any effort on your part, shifts the power away from you, onto him, and we all know what happens when you give up your power.

You are enough. And if you believe that you should bend over backwards, stand on your head, or make nice just to appease him, you are not being true to yourself. Contrary to mass media scare tactics, there are plenty of good men out there in your own age group.  The fact that you are with one, who is not making you happy, simply means that you two are not a good match.

He doesn’t owe it to you to change for your benefit, or become the man you need him to be (that only happens in fairy tales and cheesy romance novels), and you do not owe it to him to compromise yourself. Remember, man is not the prize.

If you do anything to change yourself, in order to keep him in your life, you are compromising yourself, and that is a very disempowering habit.  Women are told that they must do anything to secure the love a man, but that is wrong. We should only do as much as they do for us, and only when that man has proven he meets our needs.
We all deserve good relationships with people who fit. The fact that you are “working on yourself”, catering to his mood swings, and figuring out ways to accommodate him just to make hims stay is a sure way to lose his respect, and the respect you should have for yourself.

Goddess understand that we are the prize. No we are not conceited, pretentious, or manipulative. We are powerful, self aware, and respect ourselves too much, to stand on our heads to retain men.  We also understand that no man owes us a relationship, security, nor his life. We take care of our own needs, and the men in our lives are highly appreciated when they are a good fit. We do not seek to change them into better men, we let them go so that we can find someone who is a better match to us.

Have you ever met a man with whom you have so much chemistry, that no effort is needed?  Someone who just fits?  We have all stumbled into relationships with people who are such a good match that the relationship is simple and effortless. That is an indicator that the two people are in sync. No one has to change for anyone else’s benefit.  No one is making unreasonable demands, and neither partner has to work on pleasing the other. When you find that, you keep it, but in the mean time, understand that a healthy man will not change himself for your benefit. Instead, he will keep dating until he finds the woman who fits his lifestyle. You owe it to yourselves, to do the same.

Self-respect is the most important quality a Goddess possesses. And self-respect means being in touch with who you are as a woman at all times. Know what you want, articulate it clearly, and if he doesn’t deliver, do not hang around to find out if he will change his mind later. You will be waiting a long time.
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How to Date Like a Mindless Idiot

Here is my guide for how to date like a complete dolt. It guarantees much frustration, too many girls nights out, bitching and whining that he won’t commit, counting the months to your biological expiration date, compromise, compromise, compromise, until, finally, one day, you too can win the husband race, and settle down with a willing participant, who has over-sown his wild oats, and is now ready to settle into a contractual relationship.

 

Rule #1:  Buy a Dating Manual Specifically Aimed at Marriage Minded Women

 

For good measure, buy six, you never know, you might stumble across one that has that magic formula about how to make him commit. Have you ever noticed that all dating manuals are the same? They all promise to teach you how to push a man’s buttons into getting him to pay more attention to you, call rather than text, communicate his feelings, treat you with respect, perceive you as different from other women, and then collapse to one knee with a romantic proposal, you try so hard to resist.

 

American dating culture is all about following rules. Regardless whether those rules are written by dating “experts”, PhDs, social biologists, or religious leaders, they all profess that a woman must go to extraordinary lengths to compete for, then manipulate a man into a relationship. After all, the sheer idea of following rules, or an instruction manual to get to Yes, is a form of manipulation. We are told to look a certain way, act a certain way, say the right things, text very little to pretend you are so busy, he will have to now compete for us.

 

Has anyone ever won the texting game, and secured a man’s undying affection by carefully timing her texts, or waiting until the 23rd date to have sex? No. Yet countless fools, both male and female believe that steps must be taken, and correct buttons must be pushed in order to affect the behavior of the opposite sex.

 

Rule #2  Believe That Dating is a Perplexing Concept That Requires Calculated Moves

 

Act too interested up front, and he will lose interest right away. State clearly that you are marriage minded, and he will disappear. Be available on Friday or Saturday night, and you’ve just lost his respect. God forbid you aren’t mysterious enough, or don’t know how to confuse a man with your hot/cold attitude, and you are destined for spinsterhood.

 

Has anyone ever played this game, and stumbled into a soulmate while walking on egg shells? I don’t think so. Perhaps, a few drones who would rather follow instructions than smile have found each other following “Dating for Dummies”, but most humans think and feel, and have a natural need to say what they feel regardless of whether a book approves of your timing or choice of words.

 

Rule #3  Believe that Man is a Prize

 

I am always so happy to see that the younger generation of women (20’s) no longer believe in the husband race, nor the idea that a man is something to be coveted. Perhaps we can all learn something from the millennials, as these ladies are the least likely to chase men, pine for commitment, worry about spinsterhood (a legitimate concern 100 years ago), and are deeply offended by the idea that a biological clock will turn them into miserable, childless hags.

 

Instead, these women date freely, make their own rules, break them, and move on. Knowing that they are more likely to earn more than their mates, and bear the most of the financial and childcare burden, they are living it up. They travel the world, plunge into exciting adventures, live in the moment, and experience everything. Best of all, they are starting to realize that they are the prize, (we have been all along), and so they reject traditionalism, convention, and media that still insist there is something wrong with a woman who has not secured a man. I love millennial women!

 

Rule #4  Believe That Men and Women Have Different Needs

 

It is Ok for him to date multiple people at the same time, while it is not acceptable for a woman to do that. (Women over 40 particularly fall pray to this nonsense). It is Ok for a man to have casual, meaningless sex because they have biological needs, but a woman who does the same is unhealthy, pathetic, or a whore. Personally, I think there is something very wrong with women who judge other women, but that’s a topic for a later post.

 

The belief that women are programmed differently than men, and that they have different sexual needs was put forth by the scientific and medical establishment well over a 100 years ago. Women had very little ability to earn a living, limited options to remain independent, so their sexual needs were less important- it was crucial to secure a solid, working man in those days in order to survive. But today, those limiting beliefs have to be reevaluated.

 

I have observed (by no means a scientific argument), that the younger a woman is when she becomes financially independent, the greater the likelihood she will become sexually independent as well. And this is a beautiful thing. Financially independent women in their 40s are likely to be liberated, but tend to still carry a lot of limiting beliefs about how women are meant to be more reserved.

 

But when I speak to twenty somethings, I see that they have a refreshingly independent view of their sexuality, shun tradition and social norms, and are more likely to think for themselves, set their own boundaries, and make their own rules. For that, this generation is the most criticized? I love the fact that the younger women are enjoying dating, their sexuality, and making their own relationship rules. These young women prove that females have sexual needs, they don’t have to conceal them, nor suppress them. I wonder how many years it will take for “experts” in the medical community to catch up to this concept?

 

Rule #5   Read Mass Media

 

Hell, even the New York Times will occasionally expel a brain fart, and conclude that NYC is full of aimless, miserable, single women, who have invested too much in their careers, and missed the boat to reproduce. We are told that these women are lonely, crotchety, and desperate, and that they have turned to work as a way to compensate for their inadequacies.

 

If you fall prey to this shit, you are no different than the millions of mindless drones who quote mass media and statistics that prove how the odds are stacked up against them.  Once you believe this garbage, it becomes your reality, so don’t drink their Cool-Aid.

 

This is an area where I have proof of the opposite. For the past 16 years, I have been organizing parties for one of the world’s largest social networks. I have been planning gatherings and trips for singles on the east coast, and I can tell you that professional women in their late 30’s and early 40’s are far from frustrated. In fact, they are living it up.

 

Free from pressure to settle down, way down, they spend money on global adventure, self improvement, personal growth, but most of all, on themselves. Sorry if this offends some people, but this is a good thing. Finally, women are doing the best that they can, for themselves. They are not lonely, in fact, the most confident ones are the ladies who make dating rules of their own. Who cares if they are juggling multiple men? They are not embarrassed to be dating younger, they are quite proud of it.

 

But here is what I observe at events I host. The nightclubs are packed, and women are looking gorgeous. They are surrounded by other women, as well as men in their own age group or younger. These women have redefined relationships. Some men in their circle are “friends”, others are “friends with benefits”, some are just a hookup, and others are in their periphery as potential prospects.

 

At the opposite end of the bar, are the “older gentlemen” as they like to call themselves. They sit alone, order the most expensive drinks, and offer them indiscriminately to practically any woman who passes by. More often than not, they are divorced, have a negative opinion of women, and are now entitled to a younger woman to assure themselves of their manhood.  When a woman accepts their drink but walks away after 15 minutes of conversation, they act like they have been cheated out of $15, as if they deserved more time than that. But when a woman politely declines, she doesn’t know what’s good for her.

 

My question is, why hasn’t the media picked up on the misery of aging, older men? They are the ones at the losing end of the women’s empowerment movement? These are the guys who divorced their PhD wife, in an attempt to sow their wild oats with younger models they were taught they were entitled to.  But the world has changed, and it is no longer 1969. They are shocked to discover that today, women would rather buy their own drink, if it means we get to avoid being surrounded by silver haired grandpas who want to show them what a real man can do. They are dismayed to hear we now like younger men, go off on adventures we finance ourselves, and that sugar-daddies are for women who can’t pay their own bills. In this world, it is the “older gentlemen” who are losing the race to find a mate. The old guys are trolling bars and nightclubs, flashing their gold cards and dropping hints of owning a condo in Florida. Occasionally they catch a sugar baby, but yes, they have to pay for it. So who is pathetic now?

 

Contrary to social biologists, psychologists and experts, a growing number of women do engage in casual, meaningless sex, and they are not traumatized by it. They know how to get their needs met (holy shit, women have sexual needs??), and how to not be scarred for life when a casual hookup doesn’t turn into a marriage proposal.

 

They won’t be defined by marriage, nor their ability to procreate. After all reproduction is a biological function, and they sure as hell won’t be judged by whether they have managed to pop out a baby before they expire. Purpose comes from self-awareness, exploration, centeredness, goals and pursuit of happiness, not from gifting a child to a man.

 

So, yes, if you want to wallow in misery for the rest of your life, pick up a copy of The New York Times, or any other Pulitzer winning media, to find out just how miserable you are, or should be. You will be spoon fed statistics, examples, and expert opinion about how women in your age group are losing out on the husband race, raising expectations to unreasonable highs, causing them to become dateless, manless and childless for the rest of their lives.

 

On the other hand, if you don’t want to date like an idiot, you simply have to do one thing:  Do whatever the hell you want physically, sexually, spiritually, and socially. Explore, figure things out for yourself, and make your own rules, then follow the ones that feel good to you. A $50 vibrator might feel a thousand times better than any prospect you have, and if that makes you happy, then gloat about it!

 

Dating manuals have you believe that you shouldn’t ask a man out on a date. I’m here to say that you should. Life is a candy store, and why wait in line for your dole? Really? We have to accept what life gives us? No, and no way!  If you want candy, you have to understand how to select the finest, and only the finest will do for a Goddess. Accepting whatever is available is for women who are resigned. I am not!

 

Life is too short, and I am not waiting in line. If you have any shred of self-respect, neither should you. So take it, eat it, hump it, to whatever the hell you want with it. It’s your life.

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My Home is My Sanctuary

My home is my sanctuary. My personal space is very important to me. This is where I bliss, meditate, detach, relax, treat myself well, and do my best thinking. It is also where I work, create, and get in touch with my purpose.

For it to feel right, I need large windows that warm the room with lots of sunshine. I need art, like I need food, so the walls have to accommodate my favorite pieces. I also need peace, quiet and solitude, so it must protect me from the outside world.

My home reflects who I am as a person. I live simply, and am unattached to objects. Therefore my home must be uncluttered, and have a lot of empty space through which energy flows.

A good friend, who was also a Fung Shui practitioner once uncluttered my space and ordered me to throw out all of my possessions. The rule was that I could keep things that fall into one of two categories. I could only keep objects that were an absolute necessity like a tooth brush, a fork, or a coat. I could also keep objects that I am absolutely in love with, like my art, my cat, my car. Everything else was given away or tossed out. As soon as I re-entered my home, I felt the difference in the energy of the space. The flow of free moving, unobstructed energy in my home was very much noticeable, and it felt very good.

Today, I have added to that rule. In order to keep healthy energy in my home, I also keep certain people out. As harsh as this sounds, it is an absolute necessity in order for my home to function as my sanctuary.

All people have their own energy, some positive, some negative. When their energy is drastically different from ours, we don’t feel good around each other. I used to invite everyone into my space freely, as I loved entertaining at home and cooking for my favorite friends. But as I became more in tune to who I am, I started to notice the energy of people, and the energies they leave behind.

Have you ever noticed how certain people can suck the air out of a room as soon as they enter? Have you ever noticed how someone’s bad attitude is reflected in their vibe? It just lingers in the air long after they have left the room. They may be friends or loved ones, but now I meet them outside my home (if at all).

Knowing how much I relish silence, quiet and my space, I no longer invite people who talk incessantly, bitch or complain, are messy, obtrusive, and don’t respect my personal space.

What is amusing is that as soon as my home became a beautiful sanctuary, people wanted to visit even more. They liked my space as much as I do, and kept asking to visit, begged for invitations, twisted my arm or guilted me into inviting them. That it does not feel good to be obligated to do something that isn’t pleasant.

But here is where you have to be firm. I love my friends, but I love them even more when they respect my boundaries. I still invite people to visit, but only the sparkly ones with a healthy energy. I enjoy cooking for good friends, sharing a good bottle of wine or champagne, enjoy laughter and warm people as much as everyone else. But I now pay close attention to how I feel when they are in my space.

I had a friend years ago that was so much fun to be with, and we had so much in common. Yet, every time she was in my space, she would make herself so comfortable that she would act as if she actually lives here. She would open my drawers, make herself a drink, put her feet up on the coffee table, and just bask in my space. And, when it was time to leave, she would elude to how much fun a sleepover would be.

A guy I dated liked my home so much, he kept leaving a toothbrush on my sink each time he visited. I kept throwing it away, as a way to make it clear that we won’t be having that kind of relationship. Not taking a hint, he kept asking how much the rent was, whether there is adequate closet space for him, and commented how he would stock the fridge with his favorite beer. I was sure he loved my home much more than he liked me. But the point was, my home is my sanctuary, and unless someone is matching my vibe, and 100% compatible with me, he or she will not get an invitation.

This sounds cold and heartless to many people. People accuse me of being anti-social, and nothing could be further from the truth. I love people, I am quite a social butterfly, I go out a lot, and am probably one of the best connected people in my community. But I appreciate my life so much, that I make a huge effort to filter people out.

I am surrounded by healthy, happy, encouraging people who have lives of their own, paths to follow, and are constantly improving themselves.  It is of no benefit to me to allow negativity, clutter, noise, problems, drama, neediness into my inner sanctum.

I have a friend (the Fung Shui practicioner) who lives in a beautiful, studio sanctuary. She owns two plates, two chairs, two forks, two cups, one roll of toilet paper, a tiny closed filled with 5carefully chosen, very flattering couture outfits, a few good paintings and a stunning jewelry collection. Though tiny, her personal space is absolutely heavenly. The first time I visited, it felt so good to be there, I too did not want to go home.

I meet new people constantly and I always pay attention to what their homes are like. I find that one’s personal space reflects their inner self. Cluttered, dingy, unclean, or just plain dirty is the space of a person who does not respect him or herself. They present well on the outside, but their emotional world is a mess.

Because I sense energy, I am extremely sensitive to what I feel inside other people. And at times, I just cannot afford to have them in my space. You may not be that sensitive, but you know when someone brings good vibes into your space. Pay attention to how you feel in every moment. Do they make you nervous, insecure, irritable? Or do they bring ease, fresh air, laughter, and good cheer?

S

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Fall in Love with Your Solitude

Solitude is a spiritual discipline. It is a practice that leads to personal growth and awakening.  Spiritual masters have been teaching the art of solitude for centuries, yet here in America, solitude is still shunned and labeled as loneliness.  Nothing could be further from the truth.

As I encounter more and more people who are wide awake, I can confirm that they relish their solitude. In fact, it is the principal sign that a person has awakened (among other signs). But this post isn’t about awakenings, it is more about the benefits, especially for women.

I get calls from many women, who would like me to teach them the art of being a Goddess. They are looking to become more attractive to men, as the goal is usually to secure a lifelong relationship. And in that first phone call, I elude to the importance of personal growth and development, which begins with solitude.

And here is where I see the most resistance. “No, I don’t want to be alone any more, I have been alone all my life”, “No, I am contacting you because I do not want to be alone”, “If I liked being alone, I wouldn’t have called you”, and “I am sick of doing everything by myself, I want a partner for life”.  Yes you do, and you are all entitled to that beautiful partnership- I am too. But, what a lot of women don’t realize is that how they perceive their solitude is how others perceive them. And how they view their single status, is how others view them too.

In that rejection of solitude, spiritually, you are rejecting yourself. “I don’t like being alone” is the same as saying “I don’t like being alone with myself”, or “I do not like my own company”.

Years ago, as I was facing a very rough patch in my life, I realized that in order to heal, and move on, I had a lot of work to do on myself. My well meaning friends and relatives were only a distraction. Their advice, though well-intentioned, was only rooting me to their belief system, and conformity to their way of life. I had to find myself, I had to discover my inner truth, I had to face my inner demons, I had to discover who I am as a being, rather than accept how friends, parents and society defined me.

So I withdrew from the outer world, and embraced my inner world. I have been practicing meditation for years, so I knew how sweet it is. And in that inner world I discovered acceptance and appreciation for who I really am. I spent much of my time in nature, walking, breathing fresh air, talking to animals, soaking up sunshine, smiling at trees, smelling roses, and listening to the gentle sounds of water flowing.

 

Self-discovery, and self-awareness are keys to becoming a Goddess. Without going into too much detail about what it actually means, I will say to my clients who are looking to command the attention of the opposite sex, that being self-possessed is the most attractive quality a woman can have.  Yet, this is such an elusive quality in a woman, because we are raised to be the opposite. Society teaches women how to gain validation from men, define ourselves by the quality or permanence of our relationships, seek approval, conform, worship security or stability that another person could provide, race the biological clock, beat ourselves up for not being in meaningful, binding relationships, etc.

 

Self-awareness and self-possession are at the opposite end of the spectrum. In solitude, we discover our soul, our meaning, our path. We love ourselves for who we really are, and make choices for ourselves, by ourselves, then project those decisions to the outside world. Goddesses are rare, but they truly exist.

 

We speak our minds, reject convention, define ourselves, live how we want to live. We do not judge ourselves, nor do we judge women who have made choices drastically different from our own. In fact, that is what TheGoddessPrinciples.net is about. It is about embracing our differences, our personal opinions, glorifying women who live solely on their own terms.

 

In terms of relationships, we do not seek validation from men. We are already valid in every sense of the word.  We do not seek to bond to anyone, we are already in touch with ourselves. Women who do not seek to bind a man, are the ones men feel most attracted to.  We exercise our choices, and always, always, always, those choices are in our own best interest, not in the interest of preserving a relationship or pleasing our partner. When relationships are unsatisfactory, we are capable of walking away. Rather than force our partners to change, try to make them better people, of obligate them into giving us more than they can, we are would rather meet someone who suits us better. Our personal time is so precious, that unless the other person is bringing us joy, ecstasy and an amazing experience, we would rather be alone.

 

Historically, women like us lived on the outskirts of society. We were vilified for daring to think, live life on our own terms, when it was unacceptable for women to be single and self-sufficient. In past centuries, women like us were accused of being whores, hags, spinsters, crones and witches, and though we had done nothing wrong, we were burned at the stake.

 

Today, more women are getting in touch with themselves. They are investing in themselves, and when relationships they seek do not materialize, they continue to explore the world, and grow on their own. They know they have a path, and they are happy to discover it by themselves. They know, with 100% certainty, that the relationships they stumble into along the way, will be learning experiences, beautiful moments, and life altering adventures. A soul mate will meet them on that path one day, but in the mean time they are happy in their own company.

 

Goddesses attract men, and command their attention by being 100% comfortable with themselves, 100% in love with themselves, 100% confident in their abilities, 100% in love with their solitude. It takes some training, and the process is slow. But whether a woman is willing learn to love her solitude is a telling sign whether she is willing to do the hard work to transform herself.

 

S

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Embrace Change

There are many contradictions out there, especially in the New Age industry. The beauty of social media is that everyone has a voice, but the contradicting voices sometimes are the stumbling blocks we experience toward growth.

 

Take for example, the Dalai Lama’s quote: “Nothing is Permanent”. Nature is ever changing, and progress, flow, movement, growth, and experience mean that constant change is a natural part of life. To rephrase his quote, we must accept that nothing lasts forever, that change must be embraced, that as painful as that is, we must willingly continue to grow.

 

Yet, how many New Age experts, authors, and bloggers, encourage us to believe in the opposite: “True Love is Forever”, “True Love will Never Leave You”, “Loyalty Above All Else”, “Love is Commitment to the Relationship”. Do you see the contradiction?

Some “experts” would have us believe in obligation, rather than in freedom. In permanence, rather than in ever changing progress toward growth and enlightenment.  If you truly believe in non-permanence, then how can you believe in obligating a friend or lover into staying with you forever. Oh, they will stay if they are truly my soul mate! But if you are truly their soulmate, and your love is pure, you would never make such a demand of them.

 

I often chuckle at statements such as “Friendship is Loyalty for Life”. In my world, friends are teachers, soulmates, healers, and companions who are growing too, who are changing too, and my love for them means that I will always give them freedom to move on. They don’t owe me permanence, commitment, loyalty, nor forever. I am grateful for whatever time I have with them, and will open-heartedly encourage them to find their own path.

My friends are just as hungry for life as I am. They are movers, they are shakers, they have dreams to follow and paths of their own. I admire their courage, their fortitude, their drive to succeed. It is that admiration that motivates me to do the same. I would never demand their Forever, nor would I demand their loyalty.

 

You have heard the saying “If you love someone set them free”. The people whom I love the most, are the people who live in a permanent state of freedom. They are in my life as long as we both find the experience worthwhile and of mutual benefit. My favorite quote on this subject is by Thich Nhat Hanh:

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

Permanence, loyalty, forever, commitment, obligation, contractual relationships, are for people who are looking to secure the present moment. The most insecure people in the world believe that they can control their situations so that nothing changes, and they feel best in the illusion of permanence. Unfortunately, the world turns regardless of what they want, and when they lose their grip on permanence, they lose their bearings and their sense of security.

Freedom, impermanence, progress, growth, are for people who have found themselves. They understand that to progress through life, they will outgrow their friends and their lovers. Two people cannot walk the same path forever, each has a responsibility to themselves to expand and progress. A wise man once said: “If you haven’t outgrown your friends [or lovers], you haven’t grown at all”.

So, embrace change, it is nature’s way of pushing you forward. Find your own self, your own security, your own worth, and you will never demand that others never leave you. You will have the most important gift of all, your center, your wholeness, and you will be complete.

 

 

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International Friends with Benefits

Dating for those who live for adventure can be complicated. Finding someone who thrives on the unknown, undiscovered, and uncivilized is like finding a needle in a haystack. You won’t find people like this sitting in a bar, waiting just for you. And you won’t find them online, as people who create dating profiles often list travel as a passion, but when you meet them in person, it is more likely they don’t travel in the same style or with the same goal as you.

I realized a long time ago that I am absolutely bored with traditional dating. I am so bored, that I cannot stand meeting a person for dinner, spending 1-2 hrs of my time making small talk, and trying or avoiding getting to know this person. What is worse is what comes next. If you like the person, you now have to devote time every week doing exactly the same thing, to discover if some day, the two of you will like each other enough to spend more time together. To reach this point, you have to endure texting, playing games, meeting other people, walking on eggshells, learning about what tics this person off, dealing with their irrationality, their insecurity, all to conclude at some point in the future that this was a complete waste of time.  No thanks.

Many years ago, I decided to explore dating from a different angle. I resolved to do what I like to do only, and see who shows up for the adventure. I made a list of 20 things I always wanted to do, but my exes never wanted to experience, and I started dating myself. Imagine the bliss of doing things that you enjoy every single minute, and doing it for yourself, by yourself. It was a beautiful experience.

In fact, it was so enjoyable that people started to ask if they can come along. At this point I had to become selfish and reject people whose company was not better than my own. I rejected all my female friends. My rationale was that I have been encouraging them to do more things on their own, date themselves, and since they were unwilling to do this, I wasn’t going to compromise my bliss, holding their hand through life, or creating beautiful moments for them.

As I checked dates off my list, I started to venture out on destinations that were close to home. I explored woods, beaches, vineyards, racing schools, falconry schools, log cabins, lakes, animal sanctuaries by following my bliss. Soon, male friends noticed my adventures and they started asking if they could tag along. Though they were more welcome than my girlfriends, I still had to be selfish and only allow the ones I thought were worth my time to join me.

But here is where it got interesting. It turns out that the ones who were worth my bliss were people who were also self aware, interesting, experienced explorers, adventurers, fearless risk takers, and those who expected much more out of life than the mundane traditionalism I dislike so much.

Having no expectation of a traditional relationship, I started to plan longer trips with these men. My requirements remained the same- the trip had to be something that I really wanted to do (this was not about him at all), and my invitation would go out to several men at the same time. I would then select the most fun, interesting person to join my adventure, and it was always preferable that I go alone. These trips spanned the globe, and as a result I had adventures in Thailand, UK, Greece, Dubai, wherever my whim took me.

What I learned was that the person who showed up on my adventure was always a thousand times more compatible to me than that guy who asked me out to dinner a dozen times, then wasted my time texting in and out of the relationship. People who travel tend to appreciate life. They understand that life is short, and like me, they believe in taking risks, enjoying every moment, and avoid wasting time on people who don’t want the same.

No, I wasn’t 100% compatible with all of them, but I was much happier meeting them abroad, seeing how they perceive foreign cultures, how they experience the unknown. You learn more about a person when you share a hotel room for a few days, than you would after 3 months of traditional dating.

But most importantly, you are meeting people doing what you love best. Anyone who shows up on these adventures is much more likely to be your type, want the same things, and enjoy the same moments. What I wasn’t expecting is that adventurers tend to be better communicators.

Knowing that we only have a week together in a distant land, communication is key. Certain things must be spelled out up front, such as the terms of the “friendship”, expectations, habits and boundaries. Again, it is much more refreshing to learn that about a person up front, then find out after a few months of dating that the person you are with hates being alone and needs you to help him face everything

Over the years, I have had beautiful adventures with people I never would have met in the traditional dating world. What made the experience amazing was that each person had something to teach me that I hadn’t experienced before. More importantly, I learned how to appreciate myself, chart my own course, and stick to it. Today, it no longer matters that the guy I am seeing doesn’t like interacting with wild animals like lions or tigers. All that matters is that I do, and I will do it anyway. Who shows up on my adventure is much more likely to be compatible with me.

 

S

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What To Do When Your Balls are Bigger Than His?

I have more balls than any man I have ever met in my life. It’s hard to be like this.

As I aired my frustration on my FB page this morning, friends chimed in with support: “Tell me about it”, “I hear you”, and “That’s pretty much how all women feel…”.

It’s absolutely true, but I am not complaining. We have been fighting for this for decades. We have won the rights we didn’t have, exceeded men in education, pushed our way into every workplace, and last year outnumbered men in the corporate world. Sure, we have a long way to go, but it is only a matter of time.

This is in no way a rant against men, or gender inequality. I am the last person to bash men. In fact, when I have risen, it was thanks to a male boss or mentor. This is merely an observation about where we are today, and the frustrations women experience trying to negotiate our way through life.

Today, we are more capable than ever. And the more we know we can do it, the higher our expectations rise. So, does it come as a surprise when the men in our lives suddenly look smaller? Maybe we had way too much confidence in them in the past, so now that we stand at a higher vantage point, those high expectations look unreasonable.

The reason for this post is part frustration, and part observation that I have not met a male in decades whose word and character can match that of a woman. Sure, I have met many nice, educated, stable, well-adjusted guys. But when it comes to that final test of character, they almost always flake out. These are not just people I am dating, they are friends, colleagues, even family members.

Rather than analyze what is wrong with men (short answer: Nothing), I’d rather admit that the world has changed for the better, and that we now must step into those roles we were taught to look up to. Let’s face it ladies, we made it!

So, in dealing with an unexpected emergency this week, I completely intended to handle the situation on my own. After all, all it takes are some phone calls, capable hands, change of logistics, and a glass of champagne.  But friends found out, and they rallied to help.

Hours later, I had an entire team of people offering advice, encouragement, and their time. A few days later however, guess who’s left standing? The women, of course. The guys have all flaked out. Not that I was actually counting on them, I had a back up plan all along. But it is amusing how good guys today compete on chivalry, strength and verbal support. They insist to be thought of as manly, capable, and trustworthy, yet disappear when they actually have to demonstrate it.

Again, I don’t think that this is their fault. Their character and abilities haven’t changed, we have just become more self-reliant. Those men we looked up to decades ago, are no longer heroes. From this vantage point, they are merely human. And so, our expectations have to change.

As frustrating as this may seem, this is actually a good thing. Rather than complain about their character flaws, we should recognize that we are no longer just equal, we have surpassed them on many levels. I am very comfortable with this. But, where we still have to step up, is the relationship game. This is something I feel women still don’t understand.

We struggle with being feminine, while we know we must have balls to make it in this world. We enter relationships hoping he will man up, then find in a matter of days, that we are the man. Unlike most social commentators who advise women to back off, hide their balls, and play damsel in distress, I disagree completely!

It is sheer torture for me to have to hide my balls (a.k.a. Horns), or stand in the background as I watch a man fumble. Having given too many chances to so many “good guys”, I realized it is time to stop hiding. I will do it all by myself, and they’ll just have to man up. Or not.

I’ve been dating younger men for years, and listening to criticism from older guys who complain that I am dating superficially. Don’t you want a man for his intellect? No, my IQ is 134. Don’t you want a man of character? I think I have proven I have more. Don’t you appreciate a man’s wisdom? Are you implying I am not wise?

The simple fact is that those qualities we have been taught to appreciate in men (strength, character, intelligence, wisdom, stability and protection) are ours now. In fact, we have more of those characteristics than most of our male peers. I am comfortable with that. But, we no longer need men to support, advise, guide, nor stabilize us. Just like men of previous generations, we can now afford to date just for the fun of it, even superficially.

Years ago, we watched in confusion when a guy would hit midlife crisis, grow a pony tail, divorce the wife with a PhD, and shack up with a young, bouncy, bimbo who makes him happy. I point out that today we are merely doing the same.

What do I get from those younger men I date? Biceps, adventure, energy, and stamina!  Honestly, it’s too much work, and zero ROI to deal with a man and his emotional insecurities. It would take an army of psychologists, spiritualists and drill sergeants to teach him to man up. It’s much more fun to keep a few boy toys on the side, have a good time with them, and depend on my own balls.

So you see ladies, it is not so bad out there at all. We thought we were losing something when statistics showed that there are no available men for women with MBAs and PhDs. There are, and they’re even better than the prospects our mothers had. Our mothers had to look for mates who could provide protection, stability and wisdom. Now that we are all that, we can afford to date for fun, muscle, and earth shattering orgasms. Not a bad thing at all!

S

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Fear of People Who Are Afraid of The World

“I am not afraid of the world. But I am afraid of people who are afraid of the world”. –Elizabeth Gilbert.

Though she wrote this in the context of travel, this quote hits home on so many levels. I grew up in a relatively negative country, in a very pessimistic family, to parents who taught me to fear everything. Forty years later, I am still shedding those past fears, to realize that there is nothing to fear at all.

As I blazed my way through divorce, and tried to date fearlessly, shamelessly, and gloriously, I was warned by girlfriends of the horrors I was destined to encounter regarding modern men, and relationships. As well intentioned as they were, my friends were teaching me to fear men, dating, putting myself out there, to fear the heartaches, expect disappointments, demand impossible commitments, fight to keep dead relationships alive, and to settle for less, because amazing men just do not exist.

Thankfully, I am a stubborn Goddess who was determined to have fun anyway, and make up for 12 years of waking up to the same man, with dating younger guys, trying new things, exploring sex the way they told me not to, just to live life the way I always wanted it to be. I simply did not want to hear how doomed I am supposed to be, at 40, without a man, and a divorce on my relationship resume.

So I ignored my girlfriends, and enlisted the help of my guy friends to teach me how to date like a man. I noticed early on, that men love dating. They take pleasure in meeting new women, getting to know them, they love sex, they love variety, they don’t fear, they don’t whine, they appreciate women like a fine wine. I wanted the same, as a matter of fact, I felt entitled to it.

So I embarked on what I called “Sherry’s Excellent Adventure”, knowing that I will stumble, I will get bruised, but knowing with 100% certainty that I will date gloriously!

Ladies, if I can give you any advice at all, it is to drop your fears, stop listening to the 1001 ways you could get hurt, and just live it! This is what life is all about.  I guarantee that it will be one amazing adventure. you will scrape your knees, but you are a grown woman, meant to date like a Goddess, not a frightened little girl.

Everything that I am today is a result of ignoring friends, family and experts who tried to caution me, and advise me to be more prudent. My exotic travels, my amazing experiences, my unorthodox dating life, have empowered me to make my own rules, and march to the beat of my own drum. It is 100% liberating, empowering, and life altering.

But back to Elizabeth Gilbert’s quote about people who fear. I absolutely had to filter them out of my world. They were good friends who for many years were my support system. They were family members who had my best interest in mind, but couldn’t see life outside their little box. As well meaning as they are, teaching you to fear dating, love, men, adventure, sex, travel, and life, is a toxic lesson that takes years to recover from.

You’ll find that people who are afraid of the world, rarely move outside their tight little boundaries. They travel in groups, hold hands with the same friends for the rest of their life, resent men who wouldn’t offer them a contract, can list every global disaster, hate uncertainty, demand protection, and in general, do not get far in life. The reason they are so eager to settle down is because they fear being alone.

But fearless women thrive in chaos. We explore, we learn from mistakes, we grow even when growth is painful. We love life, embrace our future even when it is uncertain, and try new things to satisfy our curiosity. In fact, when it comes to relationships, we plunge right into new experiences, regardless of whether they hold promise of a future.

I have a friend who loved fearlessly, and was good inspiration when I was recovering from divorce. I learned so much from her positivism, her willingness to explore her sexuality, despite the criticism from all her girlfriends. In life, you learn that your critics are just people who are afraid you will succeed. And despite her 257 breakups, 3 elicit affairs, 34 broken hearts, and 1001 “I told you so’s”, she approached every relationship with a her heart wide open.

Sure,  medical “experts” would caution that this is not a healthy human being, but spiritual experts know that nothing could be further from the truth. Some women refuse to fear. They live life on their own terms, make no apologies and have no regrets. In fact, that is the healthiest way to enjoy one’s life to the fullest.

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Let the Little Goddess Define Herself

We become self-aware when we begin the process of getting to know ourselves. This comes from introspection, solitude, facing our inner demons, accepting our flaws, dropping our ego. It is a process that takes years, and actually never ends.

But children are born knowing. In fact, they know more than adults. Their concept of right vs.wrong is more accurate than that of a spiritual guru. If you listen to them carefully, you’ll hear their inner wisdom. Those little gems of truth, are signs of enlightenment. Children are born enlightened.

We begin the process of indoctrinating them, when we instruct them to listen to us, instead of the wisdom they already possess. When they challenge us to explain, we do more to discourage them from thinking for themselves, when we tell them “because I am your parent”, “because I said so”, “because you’re just a kid”, “because you’re to little”, “listen to grown-ups”. We challenge the wisdom they already possess, by teaching them to not trust that inner guidance system, and trust us instead.

Of course, as parents we walk a tight line, between wanting our children to be safe, secure and learn, and giving them the freedom to trust themselves most of all. This means letting them make mistakes, because they will learn from them.

How many of us have spent years trying to unlearn what society and culture taught us? As women we must unlearn to be dependent, to criticize ourselves and other women, unlearn the idea that women are weaker, and replace that with knowing that we are meant to set our own standards, make our own rules, and that we only owe that to ourselves, no one else.

But, part of what we have learned as kids, came from our own parents. They defined us at a very young age, and then we spent decades trying to redefine ourselves. How many of you chose your own religion? How many of you simply accepted the religion your parents gave you? How many of you have the same relationship with money, as your parents had? How many of you believe in the same limitations your mothers experienced?

So, when we tell a child you can’t have that, you can’t be that, don’t think what you want, think like me, you are chipping away at that inner wisdom every child has. Over time they stop questioning, and start accepting. And the more they accept that identity we are projecting onto them, the more they trust those toxic messages from media, peers, and society.

It isn’t easy, as protectiveness is a natural part of good parenthood. But, do your best to let your daughters define themselves. They will make mistakes, they will get hurt, but they will thank you one day that you allowed them to think for themselves, and express themselves. Allow that little Goddess to define herself.

S

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Filling Empty Holes with Relationships

Relationships have become a problem because we are not using them to enhance our lives. We are trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.” – Sadhguru

 

 

This quote hits close to home, because it is something I hear most often from friends. And since I started writing this blog, and posting my opinions on social media, I am inundated with questions about how and where can a person find a relationship. Before I ever answer that question, I ask, Why do you want a relationship? Fair warning, it is a trick question.

 

And here come the answers: I want someone to complete me, I want someone to travel with, I just want someone to be with, and the ultimate answer that I hear mostly from women: I want a deep, emotional bond with someone. It isn’t surprising that most of such statements are coming from women who claim to be staunchly independent, and want to be perceived as whole or complete. “My life is complete, but…”

 

Since I launched TheGoddessPrinciples.net I have partnered with professionals like relationship and dating coaches, lifestyle and career gurus to inspire women to step out of their own boundaries and push them to be more. And when we compare notes, we agree that the vast majority of women who claim are complete, are anything but. This isn’t a criticism, it is an observation of how people are confusing love and relationships with an emotional crutch. The fact is that many people simply don’t know the difference.

 

Ask any woman why she wants a relationship, and she will tell you exactly what gap she needs him to fill in her life. She hasn’t traveled yet, because she has no one to travel with. She is waiting to see Paris with the right person. She is disappointed in the people she has dated, because none of them would bond with her. Modern relationships suck because men text, but do not call and actually speak to her. Thus, she is looking for someone to bond to, speak to, travel with, talk to, spend time with.

 

But, there is a growing number of women on the opposite end of the spectrum. Whether there is someone to travel with or not, they have been to Timbuktu anyway. Rather than wait for someone special, they fly to Paris whenever they can, even for a weekend. If a man isn’t calling them or communicating to their face, they don’t care, they have no time for long phone calls anyway. For them, bonding is something they do selectively. They will only bond with people they deem worth it, and even then, they’d rather be with people who are free, and seek no bondage at all.

 

Do you see the difference? So when people ask me how to go about finding a relationship, I explain that their dream man lies at the opposite end of that spectrum. It is the women who have no gaps in their lives that are the most approachable, most fun to travel with, and the easiest to connect with. The ones who aren’t lonely, waiting for someone or searching, are the ones who have the most offers.

 

From simple observation, I have seen that the women who have trouble keeping a man, are the ones waiting for a relationship to fulfill them. They also have the most trouble with friendships, as they make the same demands of their girlfriends: travel with me, sign up for a class with me, call me, come to an event with me. But, again, this is not a complete woman. And if you want that relationship you dream of, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. The goal is to fill in those gaps yourself, so that when a potential mate comes along, he isn’t afraid to tumble into one of your gaps, and never be allowed to leave.

 

Men have a sixth sense about women, and the first thing they try to assess, are your needs. You don’t have to communicate them, they can smell them a mile away. When they sense you need bonding, they perceive that as bondage, and that is a fair assessment. When they see you have been waiting for them to go to Paris, they wonder why a grown woman hasn’t hopped on a plane, and seen such an easy city to navigate all by herself.

When you demand he calls you in person to talk to you, when it is easier for him to send a quick text, they wonder, how much time do you have on your hands, and do you have no one to talk to?

 

As with lovers, so with friends, she needs much more than busy people can give. To me, that is the epitome of a woman looking for a relationship to fulfill her. When there is no man in her life, her girlfriends become a crutch. They are the ones she holds hands with through her life. They are the ones she plans everything with. Some women claim that they simply enjoy the company of their friends, but if her idea of traveling solo is a required business trip, and attending a party alone is horrifying, then you are looking at a person who is searching for someone to prop her up.

 

So where do incomplete women find relationships? As I said before, that smart, capable, solid man she dreams of won’t find her attractive. He knows he will have to drain himself to complete her, and that no matter how much attention and reassurance he gives, she will need more. Incomplete women tend to find men who too are incomplete. Unfortunately, two humans with gaping holes in their lives, will never be able to fill each other up. Their insecurities, their neediness, their expectation that their partner should fill their needs, are a recipe for a toxic relationship.

 

Complete women, have a different attitude about men. Because there are no missing pieces in their lives (they filled each missing piece themselves), they are free of need or neediness. These women are actually free to want men, and in that freedom they allow themselves to pick and choose. Naturally, they get much more male attention, since any man can see they are happy, they’re thriving, they are solid human beings. Of course, they too want to find true love, but these women are not willing to settle. They know their true worth, and are content to keep dating and enjoying life’s little adventures, without needing to turn each man into a spouse.

 

These women are fully capable of having casual flings, because they do not seek to bond to every single man who comes along. They can enjoy each romance, because they don’t fear loss or heartache. A man is not a loss to a woman who has no gaping holes in her life. He is simply a soul she meets along her path. She knows that the more she keeps walking, the more she keeps growing, and if she allows herself to experience all that life has to offer on her own, the man she finally chooses will be much bigger and stronger than the ones she has left behind. Women like these are not looking for a husband to complete them, they are looking for an equal. They are perfectly willing to enjoy their lives now, knowing they don’t have to settle for anything. They are already complete.

 

The main reason I started TheGoddessPrinciples.net is to show women that the process of completing herself is by far more important than finding a man. At times the process can be painful, but it is the most beautiful aspect of personal growth any human can experience. There are many, who simply refuse to endure that, and would rather find a spouse anyway. They are the ones I refuse to associate with. This may sound cruel, but my life is too precious to spend it holding hands with girls, who refuse to be women.

 

But the women who can look in the mirror, and fairly and accurately acknowledge all their missing pieces, have embarked on a journey, that will eventually bring huge rewards. They will learn that the relationship they have with themselves is the most rewarding of all, and that any man who comes into their life is just the icing on the cake they baked all by themselves.

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Fear Based Relatonships

Choosing a partner, based on whether he could leave you, is called FEAR.

Choosing a man, just because he seems unlikely to cheat, look for someone better, or is least likely to abandon you, is FEAR.

Society teaches us that safety, stability, and loyalty are the most important factors in a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, they are important to some extent, but if you approach your selection process with this in mind, you are approaching relationships from a place of fear.

How does society view a woman who cannot leave an unhealthy relationship? We view those women as pathetic, dependent, weak, lacking self respect, and generally unhealthy. But women are taught to view men who won’t stray, as stable, worthy, dependable, the ultimate goal.

But to live fearlessly, means to have no fear of abandonment, heartache, or loneliness. It means choosing your own path based on your own preferences, knowing that whatever life places in front of you is to be enjoyed now. It means knowing in full confidence, that you are that power that allows you to choose to move away from situations which no longer serve you.

So what if that sexy fireman turns out to be a dog later? Frightened women would avoid him no matter how much enjoyment he offers now, for fear that they might suffer later. Women are taught that we must choose the most stable man, for he is the one least likely to hurt us down the road. Is this life?

Looking for a perfectly respectable spouse, rather than a wild, sexy devil, they miss out on all the delights life offers now. We are young, we are capable, we are independent, so what have we got to lose living fearlessly?

Any mature, solid, man who offers stability is just a man who has lived dangerously while he could afford to do so. The point is, he lived. And now, when he is tired, expired, and least likely to stray, women are told that he is the prince. No. Absolutely not. He is just a human who has enjoyed all the wild and crazy adventures while he could, and now that his hairline is starting to recede, he is ready for the comforts of domesticity.

But where does that leave you? How much of your own youth have you spent searching for Mr. Right, and missed out on the opportunity to delight in Mr. Wrong- Mr. Oh, So Very Wrong ? 🙂 Avoiding him at all costs, you have missed out in the best that life has to offer, the fun, the excitement, the buffet or earthly delights.

Most women today, are capable, independent and stable themselves. In fact, we are doing so well, that we can afford to explore the world on our own, and take part in adventures reserved mostly for men years ago. We have little to gain from men, especially the staid, stable ones.  We can afford to sample the buffet of chiseled athletes, sexy firemen, brooding intellectuals, suave Latinos, and hot blooded Italians. Not enjoying all the gifts of the universe is like leaving a delicious morsel of cake untouched on your plate.

Sure, some women would rather live on a diet of lettuce leaves instead, but where does that place them in life?  It places them in line, holding an empty tray until some tame, spiritless, domesticated clod, grants them the ultimate prize, a marriage contract, and promises to never leave them. No thanks.

I went to college, studied hard, armed myself with an MBA, for one reason only- an investment in myself. Now that I know how capable I am, I have no need for someone else’s stability, security, or strength. I am all those things. I can afford those same adventures reserved only to bachelors, explorers and dare devils in the past. And I intend to learn from them all.

Will I get hurt? Sure, but I’ll heal just as fast. Will I get disappointed? Of course, disappointment is a natural part of life. Will I be emotionally scarred? Never, and if I do get a scar or two, I’ll wear them proudly. My point is, to live fearlessly means to seek the opposite of what society instructs us to do.

So what gift has the universe placed right in front of you today? Is it a trip to Bali, that you are too afraid to take on your own? Is it a super-charged sports car, you think you don’t deserve? Or is it a gorgeous heart-breaker that makes you shake in the knees? Afraid?
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