Integrity, The Goddess Pedestal

in·teg·ri·ty –/inˈteɡrədē/

  1.    the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

2.   the state of being whole and undivided.

3.   being true to oneself.

A woman of no integrity has no principle to live by. She is a mere mortal.

Integrity is the #1 factor separating mortals from Goddesses. We all talk about having strong values, but we all identify with being mistreated by others. It is exactly in those times of mistreatment that some of us fail to have integrity, and either teach the offender that it is okay to cross our boundary because we’d rather have him or the relationship, or we begin to negotiate our integrity away for the chance to maintain peace. Is peace in a relationship more important than your integrity? It shouldn’t be. A Goddesses dignity always comes first.

Believe it or not, this is the toughest thing I deal with when training Goddesses, because many will throw integrity right out the window as soon as a man starts pushing their buttons. “It’s okay, he really didn’t mean to upset me”, “It’s okay, he lied to protect my feelings”, “He didn’t mean that, he was in front of his friends and it’s just male bravado”. I am always dismayed when I see how quickly women throw their values and their self-respect out the window as soon as it is time to protect the connection.

I am not the only one who finds this problematic. Did you know that men often complain about this, and will test your integrity constantly to determine whether you are worthy of respect. I don’t blame men at all. Integrity is my number one qualification for a friend or a lover, and I have always invested more in people who show me their standards, those who keep their word, those who pull through in the most difficult situations. The older I get, the faster I move away from flakes. No man is looking for a flake to make her his Mrs. Right. The kind of men who prefer flakes are the men who have no respect for women, and would like them easy, pliable, and malleable. Yes, those relationships work because they are relationships between two equals. A flaky woman will always end up with a spineless douche bag.

When men write to me, they never ask where they can meet beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, feminine women. That is because they are a dime a dozen. Look around you, most women are 10 times better looking and in better physical shape than their male counterparts. It is so easy for an unattractive man to date a gorgeous woman. What is not easy is to find is a Goddess, a woman who respects herself so much, that she could easily drop a man to maintain her dignity. Where is she? Do you know one?

Looks are fine, but looks fon’t get you far in terms of respect. There will always be someone who is more beautiful than you, and the harder you compete on looks, the more respect you loose from men and other women. They see how hard you are trying and you validate them immediately. Brains and degrees are also easy to buy. I don’t know a single woman who does not have an impressive degree. Paper. If you want to be more than just paper, you need to possess that one quality that will ensure you command respect for the rest of your life. INTEGRITY.

Times are changing, and women are no longer chasing husbands. Most of my female friends don’t take men seriously at all. But in the workplace, in your social circle, in your community and romantic relationships your integrity is the one thing that will set you apart. How easily do you walk away? How hard is it for you to say No? Do you struggle with being unapologetic? Can you look them in the eye and mean every word you say? Do you flinch? Are you unshakeable?

Above all things a Goddess must know herself, and know exactly what she stands for. If you collect your feelings and opinions from the most popular media, then change those opinions every time the wind blows, you do not have much integrity at all. Example, I had a friend whose belief systems would change every time she met a new man.  When she was in college, being politically correct was the most enlightened thing one could be, so she spent her 4 years judging everyone for not being PC enough. She then met a guy who ridiculed the PC movement, so she quickly discarded her standards, and started to identify with his views. In college she was ultra liberal, but when she met a potential husband, she traded her politics for a 3 carat diamond ring. Over night she became a Republican. He also asked her to change her religion, and she did so on command. When I asked her why she did that, she said that it is very important to meet your partner half-way, otherwise how could they have a healthy relationship? In one week she changed her entire belief system for a man.

This case may sound ridiculous, obviously she has no backbone. But, this is what a lot of women do in order to get along. In the work environment it is still more important for women to get along, than stand up for what they truly believe.  The Goddess is always the one who knows what her opinion is, knows exactly why she believes it, is armed with verifiable facts, and is not afraid to speak her mind, nor rock the boat when her opinion must be heard. How will people respect your authority if they see how easily you bend with the wind? You have no authority at all if you are perceived as pliable. If you want people to treat you with respect, you first have to prove that you are worthy, that your word is golden, that you can be trusted, that you don’t flake out.

The Goddess is unshakable. Why I admire Goddesses so much? I know very few people I can actually lean on in tough times, very few people I can trust with my own life, very few I know who will not bend or flake out. If you want to stand on a pedestal, your pedestal must be harder than a mountain, otherwise anyone could shake you off. If you find that people are easily crossing your boundaries, dismissing your opinions, or negotiating your feelings, you need to strengthen your integrity. I think of myself as a solid person. What I look for in all relationships (business, friendship, or romantic) is integrity. The only people I respect are the ones who have earned my respect, and once they prove that I will fight like a lion for them. But no flake is worth the fight.

Often women are too concerned about how they are perceived. I understand. The workplace is tough because we work with a lot of different personalities with changing expectations and we have to balance all of them. What’s harder is that women cannot afford to be seen as too cold, selfish, nor power-grabbing, but if they do not stand their ground they often get pushed aside. We have to be nice in order to be a team-player, and it is always the nice girl who is the first to sweep aside her own needs or opinions for the sake of others. Having been at the opposite ends of the spectrum, I can honestly tell you that the nice girl never wins. She doesn’t win at relationships, she gets no respect at the office, and she certainly doesn’t get to stand on a pedestal.

I’ll be honest. I am very nice. If you ask my closest friends, I am the type of person who’d give you the shirt off her back, her last dime, and all the advice and shoulder-crying time a good friend needs. For friends who have been fully vetted, I am that one person they can always count on. My word is always golden, I always show up, I won’t let people I value down.

But I used to be too nice, and easily get taken advantage of until I realized that my integrity is more important to me than anything else I own. I realized from many collapsed relationships that it isn’t worth it to protect the integrity of others at my own expense. I learned to judge people’s value systems, before I offered them my friendship or respect.

You absolutely must become discerning about who people are and what their value systems look like. You simply cannot afford to respect everyone. If you do, you will compromise your own self-respect. The people who I respect are the ones who value me for being unshakable. They don’t ridicule my resolve, they don’t demand I negotiate how I feel so they could feel better, they respect my boundaries, and my reprimands when those boundaries are tested. People who value respect and those who respect themselves have integrity and will value you for being their equal.

Be careful who you associate with and who your friends are. The flakiest people in the world will call on your integrity when needed, but will disappear the moment you challenge theirs. Their friendship or loyalty is worthless. Cultivate a quality circle of friends, business associates, and lovers, and be happy with fewer people in your life. Quality is better that quantity, and personal integrity is key to living life on your own terms and being a Goddess.

You must be unshakable. I too test people’s integrity because I have no time to waste on people with no spine. They are a dime a dozen, and their loyalty is for sale. They shift the minute someone offers them more. Over the years I have narrowed my circle of friends. I still know everyone in town, but no longer pay attention nor swear loyalty to big egos with no substance. I can now afford to give quality time to people who have no problem proving themselves or earning my respect.

As you already know, no one will respect you until they see how much you respect yourself. I wouldn’t either. I meet a lot of “big men” who are full of hot air. A ton of men out there have no respect for themselves either. They are easy to spot, because their words are just words. Challenge their self-perception, and most will become indignant or enraged when you ask for proof of life and substance.

Integrity is the pedestal on which the Goddess is worshiped. If you have no integrity, you have no respect, you have no subjects, and you have no foundation. Don’t you dare call yourself a Goddess until you have earned that respect from others. The day other’s bow down to you of their own free will, they day they fight for your friendship, for your time, for your approval and express gratitude for it is the day you have earned the title.

S

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The Man of The Season

My taste in men is always changing. I used to think I was fickle and that I don’t know what I want. But that’s not true. I am constantly learning about myself, and constantly growing. The men who used to amuse me in my 30’s were only slightly more evolved  from the men of my 20’s. In those years, life pampered and coddled me, I really had no reason to ask for better experiences, nor to know that there are more evolved men out there.

Then life threw me a few curveballs, major disasters and I crashed. I had no choice but to grow. Each year as I was experiencing growth, my taste in men changed too. The last 10 years have been an unbelievable process of self-reflection, self-development, inner work and awakening. This is when I experienced the widest variety of men. It’s not that I didn’t know what I want, it’s that each new and improved version of me was looking for a new equal.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing a lot, changing tastes, and learning from what different kinds of people bring to your table. There is something wrong with being married to the past version of you, and being over-focused on maintaining the old when a new version of you already exists. In my 40’s I have earned a much, much better man than I could have had in my 20s. Should I feel guilty because I couldn’t stay married to my ex past the 12 year mark? Should I feel guilty for having sampled all the chocolate in my candy sampler? Should I let people tell me I am too fickle for not staying committed to just one man? Nope. I am 46, and who would I be today if I felt guilty for exploring, growing, experiencing all kinds of men?

I often get criticized for moving on too soon, but today I know myself better than ever. In fact, I know myself so well that I know how well I am treating myself by the men I am choosing to entertain me. Some people are just not good enough for my company. At 46, I feel entitled to say that and not apologize for it.

That doesn’t make me superficial, it means that I am discerning. Do I owe every man who is applying for my time an opportunity with me? Nope. The 20 year old me, smiled at all men out of kindness and gave every opportunist her time. The 30 year old, knew a few things about personal integrity, enforcing her boundaries, and saying exactly what she means. The 40 year old version is already a force to be reckoned with. I already know with utmost confidence that not every man is my equal. Very few qualify for a few minutes of my time. I walk away from boredom, lack of intellectual stimulation, emotional underdevelopment, narcissism and egotism with ease.  It took decades of my life to develop that kind of discernment about men through nothing but personal experience. Should I apologize for having a clear idea of what doesn’t serve me?

The reason for this post is that women are still apologizing for exploring all their choices. Not being able to stick to one relationship is labeled as lack of commitment. What makes commitment to mediocrity such an honorable feat? The media bombards us with horror stories about dating too freely, experiencing too much for our own good, being “spoiled and soiled” by bad men and unfortunate circumstances, when in fact true wisdom can only be earned from experiencing failure and much, much, much experience. Never be afraid of experience. Good or bad, and no matter how ugly, experience is the best teacher, and we simply can’t grow ourselves when we coddle our feelings and protect ourselves from life’s ups and downs.

Women whose experience is limited by propriety, religion, social boundaries and self-protection have a very limited view of themselves and their relation to men. With such limited exposure to the realities of physical and emotional relationships, their only experience in suffering is from a deep wantingness or neediness to attach herself to anyone who can coddle her into a feeling of emotional security. That need is childish and immature and will always land her into a relationship with a pseudo-parent who will lead her through life while she keeps her emotional blinders on. Is that a healthy adult?

We learn from suffering of all types. We learn from every crash, from every disaster, from every single breakup. The lesson is never about our partner. If you think that the lesson is about how rotten people are, and how you need to choose better men, you have missed the point of the lesson. The lesson will repeat itself for years, until you learn that the lesson is not about other people, it is totally about you. The lesson is about your self-respect, the strength and weakness of your personal boundaries, and where you stand in relation to the inner you, the Goddess. Your psychological health is always mirrored by the person you are faced with, and your personal strength and integrity are always measured by how often you choose you. How loyal are you to yourself when life presents you with the most painful relationships? That is the test of true character and awakening- how easily do you choose You?

Still have a hard time choosing yourself over the other person or the relationship? You have a lot to experience as a mortal before you can call yourself a Goddess. The good news is that there is no such thing as too much experience. And there is nothing wrong with trying on different men until you find one who suits you. Don’t be so married to the idea of commitment. The more you grow, the more you’ll find that men cannot suit you longer than a season. At times in your life you will slow down, you will stop to smell the roses, and you will enjoy men for longer periods of time. But you will never stop growing. As long as you don’t lower your standards and stop growing just to stay attached to one person or one experience, you will maintain long term relationships with quality people who have taken as much self-care and as much responsibility for their growth as you.

My 40’s have been all about quality. What I like about this point in my life is my confidence in being able to say that very few people qualify for my attention. That’s not because there is a shortage of good men, in fact, quality men are everywhere. I am more choosy because I enjoy my own time, my own space and my own company more than ever.  Today, less is more. I no longer need to marathon date to continuously meet people, I spend much more time filtering people out. I have fewer friends of greater quality, and fewer romantic relationships with greater men. My relationship with myself is always far more important than any relationship a man can produce. I feel very content in my life.

I am curious what I will be like in my 50’s. I am not narcissistic enough to declare that I have learned all there is, nor that I am the ultimate authority on enlightenment. For sure, I will keep growing, and I will keep pausing to enjoy the men along my path. But, I have no way of predicting who I will bump into, nor how long we will enjoy each other. I am okay with not knowing everything.

The ultimate Goddess I met was in her 70’s. She was a good friend who gave me a solid primer on how to sample all the chocolate in my box, and inspired me to live life to the fullest. She was the fist woman I met who juggled multiple men, relished every moment, and taught me to never apologize for being experienced. She ultimately did meet Joey, her one true love. They are now in a long-term care facility together. But she admits that she couldn’t have met her equal, the man who is just as enlightened and full of life as she is, had she not sampled the best men that life has to offer.

So ladies, if you find that your taste in men is continuously changing, do not apologize. Know that you are always growing, and that the men must be quicker and wiser to keep up with your evolution. There is nothing wrong with having a fresh new man for each season. You don’t feel guilty acquiring shoes for each new season, so why feel guilty experiencing better and better men? Have you noticed that as you grow, the new men are always a better match to who you are than the men of previous seasons?  Don’t be reluctant to grow yourself. When you meet a man who is as awake and as enlightened as you are, there will be no doubt, you will recognize each other in an instant. In fact, the recognition will be so glaring, you’ll both be blinded by each other’s glow.  That moment when you recognize yourself in the other person is the moment you have truly found your equal.

You don’t stop for every mortal. A true Goddess can only be with a God. Until then, keep moving. Life will continue to give you better, and better, and better as long as you know that you are worth it.

S

 

 

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How Satisfying Is He?

Are you satisfied with his performance? What an odd question, but it is something most women can’t answer. They don’t evaluate relationships based on their own personal satisfaction, instead they evaluate them based on what he says, what he wants, and whether it is moving forward. But how silly it is to be moving forward when you don’t know if you are satisfied?  Most women get into “something” not called a relationship, and because they are eager to move forward, completely forget to evaluate his performance as her man.  They are just grateful that the relationship is moving forward, so they don’t want to rock the boat and evaluate what kind of a human he is, how much of what he claims about himself is true, whether his words match his actions, an most importantly, how well does he keep me satisfied?

 

Instead of asking a man how he feels about you, I think it is more important to determine for yourself what his actions and behavior add up to, and decide for yourself whether that is enough. We are often looking towards others to tell us how they feel, and then we take their word for it. We often get hung up on their words, and forget that their behavior towards us is much more important. After all, what value is a guy who says he is really into you, if he is also into someone else? What really matters much more than words is his performance. Yep, without telling him that you are evaluating him, evaluate his performance as if he is applying for position of your boyfriend. Don’t tell him what to do, don’t ask him to behave a certain way, that would be like the interviewer giving away all the correct answers to the applicant- just observe whether his performance makes him the kind of man you have in mind.

 

The only opinion that matters about how the relationship is going is your own. Are you satisfied? I know this sounds unfair, but very often we get into relationships with people who say one thing, then act completely differently. Often people describe themselves one way, and want you to believe them, and when their actions don’t match their words, they accuse you of misunderstanding, having unreasonable expectations, or that you should believe in the person they think they are, rather than the person you see for yourself.

 

Women have a tendency to believe others more than they believe their own judgment, and feel very guilty when their rational estimation of a man differs from what he claims to be. Trust yourself. Words are useless. Ask me who I am, and I will mouth off the best description of myself I can think of. But meet me in person, and you’ll notice I am quite ordinary. Ask my best friend, and you will get one truth, ask a friend who I broke up with a few months ago, and you will hear I am a monster. We all believe we are far greater, much more honorable, and much more conscious and self-developed than our neighbor. So, never take a man’s word that he’s good. Decide for yourself.

 

But, the reality is, our relationships will only work if we are truly satisfied with the relationship. So, what difference does it make if he tells you, Some day I’d like to have a family. Is he trying to build a family with you now? No? Then he is not your man. What difference does it make when he says I love ambitious, hard-working women like you. Is he still dating other ambitious, hard-working women other than you? What difference does it make if he says I really like you, I hope you feel the same, if he only replies to texts once a week? Regardless of what his reasoning is (he could be working 24 hrs a day), all that matters is how does he please you? Are you happy with his performance as a boyfriend, or are you still negotiating to have more time with him? If you are begging for more time, you are not satisfied.

 

All too often women are negotiating with men who are not on the same page with them. He said he loves you, but you only Netflix and chill. It does not matter if his mother said that she would like you as her daughter-in-law, what matters is IS THE GODDESS SATISFIED? Is the Goddess happy? Does the Goddess want more than what he is offering? If you think that this sounds selfish, ask yourself how men evaluate relationships. Would men get flattered by a woman’s words, or do they have expectations she must meet? How long would a man put up with being just an option? Do men negotiate for or beg for more time with women? Rarely. They know what they want, and if they aren’t getting it, they keep looking. Men keep dating until they are fully satisfied. Actions speak louder than words, so always observe the actions, and observe your own feelings and satisfaction levels. Words make a frog sound like a prince, but his performance is the only thing that can make him real. You are not in a relationship until you are fully satisfied, and no man is a real man unless he is real to you.

 

I recently started dating someone unimpressive, which makes it easier to be detached and observant. He seems fairly decent, but he is doing a lot of talking. You’d be amazed what you learn about people if you simply let them talk. I see that he is talking a lot about himself, and that he keeps repeating things that he thinks will impress me. Okay, we all boast about things that are important to us. But he is repeating words like penthouse, speedboat, fund-manager, and Bugatti, and while I keep changing the subject, he keeps dropping those words over and over again. Conclusion: He is too insecure and too superficial for me. And this conclusion is very important because most women would still continue dating the guy even if they observe his conceit.

 

Most women accept whatever he says, thinking that he is a nice guy, trying really hard, treating them really nice, and best of all, he is pushing the relationship forward. But why would you want to go forward with someone who can’t acknowledge anything but his own possessions? Eventually, far into the relationship they will realize that he is not very honest, nor impressive as he made himself out to be, but whatever, for some it is better to be in a relationship. And this is how a lot of people get into situations they had no intention of being in. They went along with whatever was presented without evaluating how they truly feel with this person.

 

Since I wasn’t seeing anyone more interesting, I decided to keep observing to see what kind of a situationship he is going to build. I observed that he is pushing this situation forward even without my participation. I told him honestly that I am not that into him. I am a big believer in telling people the truth, because the truth is that one thing that we are all owed in relationships. Despite that, he kept planning dates, sending flowers and actually using the phone. I was starting to get uncomfortable because he seemed to be ignoring that I am not that interested, that I was asking for less time, less flowers, not such elaborate dinners. My actions always reflect the level of my interest. I would never lead someone into believing that I am really into them when I am not, nor would I go with the flow, when I want things to slow down. We all have a responsibility to act honestly and not take advantage of people. So, I was asking for more time and distance and he was ignoring my requests. Here is a person who hasn’t heard one word I said the entire month. A very important observation. My lack of interest wasn’t even acknowledged. To most women this should be a huge red flag, but many would be flattered by his eagerness. He then offered to take me away for a long weekend, and I declined. I explained that I was uncomfortable with him planning a getaway when I told him several times that I am not feeling this relationship, and he was flabbergasted. He was astonished, offended, blown away that I am not into him. I won’t go into details, but quite often we women get into situations with people simply because a relationship is offered, giving little thought to our evaluation of this human being.

 

But who this person is on the inside, and what kind of a relationship he is capable of creating is the most important factor you absolutely must evaluate. And the only way to get people to show their true colors is to let them be who they truly are. That means not spelling out how you expect them to act, what you want them to do for you, and what rewards they will get for good behavior. Anyone who wants you for even fifteen minutes will deliver exactly what you asked for to get a little action. And when they deliver what you asked for, thy will demand a reward. A dog will do that too.

 

Most women I know are after a quality, deeply satisfying bond with a true person. Yet their dating strategy does not allow them to determine whether he is all that. Before you start pushing the relationship forward, before you even use the word relationship, you must know who this person is on the inside and what his definition of a good relationship is. His definition could be great sex, yours could be an intimate pillow talk. That’s not a great match, so why go along with it?

 

It is amazing to me how many women cannot answer the question Are you truly satisfied? Most of the time, it takes some prodding on my behalf to get them to admit that they are actually satisfied with nothing at all. This person they are in a situationship with is just some willing participant who does not possess the qualities they want, is only halfway a decent human being, is only truthful some of the time, has a very flexible spine, but he means well and he has feelings. Come on, we all know what a waste of time it is to be in a situation with an amoeba. The delusion that he could some day turn into a  lion is all yours.

 

Spend more time observing and evaluating your own feelings, your own level of happiness and satisfaction in your daily interactions with this person, and be very honest with yourself. You should be much more concerned with whether you are satisfied than whether he is. You should be much more cognizant of who this person is morally, politically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually than you usually are. You should be impressed by the real person, not by his fictitious estimation of himself. And you absolutely should be turned on, not just meh and going through the motions with him because he wants a relationship.

 

So sit back and relax. There’s nothing for you to do. Watch him create the kind of relationship he is capable of, and accept that this is the best relationship he has to offer. Yes, you should participate in the relationship, meet him half-way, pay for some dates, and go with the flow. But, always stay in observation mode. Rather than make demands, or manage him like a project, adopt a hands-off policy. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be asked for, no behavior to be corrected. Your only job is to evaluate: How am I feeling with him now? How does the relationship with him feel? Am I satisfied or is something missing? Do I feel like I am in a healthy relationship? Any decent human who truly wants to be in a fully functioning relationship will make it so. Any human who doesn’t know what he wants will act like a flake.  Any human being who is still playing the field will be inattentive, aloof, missing for some periods of time. All you have to do is observe what kind of relationship is he creating for us right now? Is he creating a friendship with benefits? Is that for you?

 

Never try to negotiate with someone who wants something you don’t. You are wasting your time. No one has ever argued anyone successfully into love. No one fell in love because they lost an argument. If he wants something casual, acknowledge it, don’t twist it into something it is not, and if a causal relationship, or a friendship with benefits isn’t for you, don’t waste your time here.

 

I learned a long time ago that a vast majority of people who cross my path aren’t worth slowing down for. Some of them are very lovely people, but they are not going my way. When I meet someone who meets my personal requirements, I am actually attracted to, and who is 100% available to me, I gladly slow down and get to know him.  The 100%ers, the men who know what they want, are actually doing the work, and totally serious, are the only ones worth slowing down for. But you will never know if he is worth your time, unless you are true to yourself and determine AM I SATISFIED?

 

S

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How To Kill Jealousy

Here is a question for you to consider: Is it possible to be jealous if you are utterly in love with yourself? If you are in love with every aspect of you, then anything out there that could be making you feel jealous must be less important, or less than you.

 

What is jealousy?  It is a want, a need, a feeling of unfairness toward a person who has something or who has accomplished something that you want. It is an awareness that they are in possession of what you lack. Think of jealousy as a scale of underappreciation of yourself compared to your appreciation of what someone else has.

 

Your friend has the car, the house, the money and that gorgeous man. Healthy people can appreciate the possessions of others, congratulate them on their accomplishments, and honestly wish them the best outcome. That is because healthy people are always confident in themselves, content and appreciative of what they have, and in love with their own choices, their own timing, their own path.  When we are in love with ourselves and our own life, we can then be happy for people who have achieved everything they desire. Our self-appreciation allows us to be happy for them, even though that big pile of money is theirs and not ours. Healthy people do not covet what others have got, nor do they feel any resentment toward anything that is outside themselves.

 

Healthy people know how to focus inward, appreciate the self to such an extent that anything that is happening outside themselves does not compare to the state within. We are okay, even when someone else seems more okay than us.

 

So what is jealousy? It is an indicator of discontent with the self. It is the appreciation of everything that is outside the self, and the realization that the self is not enough. In a state of jealousy, the scale is tipped in the favor of the other person, and we remain in the state of awareness that we are less. It is an ugly feeling, a negative energy that seems to possess the being, and is almost impossible to hide. If it is allowed to fester, it will consume the entire being. Have you ever met a person who is totally silent, but green with envy? Without a single word uttered, we smell the resentment oozing out of their pores.

 

In general, jealousy is a sign of weakness, a lack of emotional-development, an insecurity, but at times we have all felt it. Jealousy is also a weapon that insecure people wield to push our emotional buttons to incite a response. It makes the weak feel powerful when they can create an uglier response from us than they currently feel within themselves. An insecure person may feel like crap about themselves, so they are hell-bent on making you feel like a pile of diarrhea. Why give them the desired response?

 

The way to overcome jealousy in any situation is to feel in love with yourself, with whatever you’ve got, with all your choices, even if you have less than your neighbor. That practice has to become a permanent part of your existence. Only when you are absolutely appreciative of every ounce of your being, can you be thrilled for others when they accomplish something you haven’t.

 

I am usually in a permanent state of appreciation for what others have. I have graduated from solely appreciating myself and all my flaws, to now being genuinely thrilled when a friend receives ten times more. I can also encourage friends to try harder, give them more heartfelt advice, because their accomplishments do not dwarf mine.

 

I no longer feel like I have to do anything in order to feel good about myself. In fact, I am now happy with less. Before, I used to strive to achieve, now I can rest. I can give myself a break, because if I earn less this year, I am still very much in appreciation of whatever I’ve got.

 

This skill of self-appreciation comes in very handy when dealing with toxic people. A few years ago, I broke up with a guy, who didn’t take it so well. I had legitimate reasons for the breakup, and tried to do it thoughtfully and kindly. Nevertheless, he exploded in rage, screamed obscenities and swore immediate revenge. He was going to make me sorry.

 

That same night I went to the neighborhood bar to get a drink. The bar was my usual hangout, so he knew I would be there. Mere hours after our breakup, he walked into the bar with another woman. He made sure I notice them. He walked up to me, introduced her as his girlfriend, made sure to seat her right next to me, and they both stayed by my side the entire night gloating about how happy they were. Sure, it was a cheap shot, no one could be more insecure than that ex. But, I think I took it very well.

 

You see, I really like myself very much. I am not exaggerating, I truly have genuine feelings for myself. Even when life isn’t giving me what I want, I can still be in love with life, in love with myself, and be fully confident that the scale is tipped in my favor. So, when he approached me at the bar, he was staring at my face searching for pain. No such thing happened.

 

I never fake my emotions. Most of my friends know that they are always getting the uncensored me, regardless of whether it is appropriate. So, as he approached me with another woman, I turned to them and smiled. I opened my heart chakra, I gave them both a hug and said how happy I am for them. Then I bought them a round of drinks. But that’s not all, I stayed there talking to her for hours, as I truly thought she was a special person. There wasn’t an ounce of jealousy or regret to be felt in my body, because I was totally aware that their 2+2 was still less than my 5. Together, they still didn’t add up to me.

 

That situation taught me a lot about myself, and I am proud of how I handled it. But it also showed me the person I had broken up with. This man I suspected of being too insecure for an adult relationship proved to be so much smaller than I realized before. I was grateful to see this behavior, because his smallness made recovery from the breakup a breeze. He proved to me in 15 minutes that my decision to leave him was right. And I felt very empowered by that breakup ever since. The fifteen minutes of pain he tried to inflict upon me, turned into three years of me feeling like a super-hero. It was totally worth it.

 

But this momentary strength would have never manifested had I not been self-aware from the beginning of that relationship. Being in a constant state of self-appreciation allows me to always be in a more stable position than anyone else.  When life throws insecure people in my path who are determined take me down I rarely flinch. I can remain composed in tough situations because my focus is on me, not on what they are doing. Their anger, their rage, their jealousy is always theirs, and remains at the opposite end of the spectrum of how I feel about myself.  Others don’t have the power to move me.

 

If jealousy and insecurity are destroying your relationships, regardless of who is doing what to whom, it is still only your responsibility to improve yourself. If you get jealous easily, your life and the results of all your efforts will be affected. And if other people inflict jealousy on you, you are still the one to get hurt. It makes sense to work on yourself because self-love will only lead to a better life.

 

Today, I appreciate myself much more than anyone else. I love everyone in my life, and show it easily. My heart is always open, because I no longer fear what others can do to me. What they do is a reflection of who they are on the inside, it has nothing to do with me.

 

I feel so strongly about myself that I am now aware of what other people bring to the table. I compare their level of openness, their genuineness, their perception of themselves to how I feel with them and without them. I leave dysfunctional relationships sooner, because my inner world is always richer than the disfunction they bring to my doorstep. Self-appreciation has allowed me to be more discerning, so I simply flow away from whatever or whoever does not appreciate me as much as I appreciate myself.

 

I see that the exercise of self-appreciation has noticeable effects in only fifteen minutes. Choose something you feel jealous or insecure about. It can be a person, an object, or an achievement. Allow yourself to feel the jealousy, let it fester for a bit, then get in touch with that energy. Do you notice that the rage is yours, and that the other person feels no effects of your emotions? Do you notice that the feeling of jealousy is just you feeling less than the other? That feeling was created by you, not him or her. The other person has nothing to do with it. Understanding that jealousy is just your mind’s and body’s response to how you feel about yourself in any situation, allows you to control the rage. All you have to do is feel better about who you are.

 

Now, I am not talking about pumping yourself up on ego, narcissism, or creating a false self. We all know when someone has created a false persona and is demanding that others pander to his delusions. I am talking about investing in yourself, whether through self-help, introspection, or therapy, and embarking on a long process of shifting your attention inward. This process is a lot of work, but it is definitely worth it. Study yourself and all your weaknesses. Become okay with them. Forgive yourself for not accomplishing everything you wanted- it really isn’t necessary to achieve true happiness. Fall in love with your body, your mind, your life and all the obstacles you encounter. Treat yourself very well. Always put your needs above others’ and honor them, do not apologize for them. Find bliss and happiness in the little that you’ve got. You will see that very that object or person that was making you jealous seems like a lesser threat right now. He or she was just a blow to your ego, and with a lot of self-love an appreciation, your ego won’t crack so easily. The real you will emerge and you won’t try to hide it any more. You will become okay with everything exactly as it is, and your state of being will always remain unaffected by what others have or do. Fall in love with you.

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Blog | 2 Comments

Find Your Path And Stay On It

Are you on your path? How would you know? A lot of my friends are seekers, explorers, inquisitive about the nature of their reality. Most people intuitively know that there’s more to reality than this. And in their process of discovery, they sometimes get turned around, get off their path, not knowing that they were on it all along. It is easy to get lost and get disoriented. After all, some of us get on the right course blindly, simply by following an inner guidance system we aren’t completely aware of.

 

When we follow that inner voice, that gut feeling, that moment of true inspiration we stand firmly on our path. You have heard the expression “Follow your bliss”. What does that truly mean? Some people follow their bliss, while others demand that bliss follows them. Bliss is not that idea, action, or item that you believe will put you in a state of bliss. Let’s say that you assume that quitting your job, and spending the next few years roaming the globe will put you in a state of bliss, you are wrong. You will quickly discover that being jobless, and without a source of income in this big crazy world can be daunting. Sure, that’s how some people discover themselves. That is exactly how Buddha discovered his self. But Buddha did not set out to follow an idea, nor an experience, instead he started walking, discovering and accepting whatever came his way, hunger, starvation, exposure to harsh elements. Most people who are faced with hose conditions would become miserable.

 

Following your bliss means following your higher self. We have all been high. Regardless of how we induce that state, the state is a connection to an energy that aligns us with out true selves, and essentially places us in a state of openness, trust that whatever we are open to is in our highest good, a state of allowing and flow. If you can train yourself into that state and recall it on demand through meditation, you are what Buddha called God. That is the God-state.

 

Most people who don’t meditate, and don’t use illegal substances, sometimes get into that state accidentally. You hear your favorite song, you light up, you let loose, start moving, start dancing and for a few minutes, as long as the song lasts, you feel free, you flow. And then the song ends, and your connection with the flow of that energy gets cut off. Or you are jumping on a trampoline, allow yourself to jump higher, and higher, allow yourself to fall freely, and in that freefall you connect with that energy that flows. Naturally you feel high when you allow yourself to enjoy the trampoline, or a fast car, an amazing song, or a spectacular sunrise.

 

What is actually happening in that high state is that you are totally connected to your higher self, the You that is the true you. That version of you that is completely unedited, unembellished, free and fearless, not wearing a false mask. When you operate from that higher state that is when your feet are planted firmly on your path. This is where you have utmost confidence that there is nothing to seek, it feels right, you know it is right, and every decision you make, every word you utter in this state is your absolute truth.

 

Naturally, no one stays in this state forever, so don’t beat yourself up for coming back down to earth. It is a law of nature that what goes up must come down. Tides ebb and flow. The earth tilts so the seasons can change. Existence is a constant state of change and flow, so you must change and flow with it.  Both mental states, connection with the self (high), and lack of connection (low) are natural. Notice how your mind, and your decision making abilities change in each state. In a high, connected state, you to operate on a higher level. Each word you utter reflects the true you, it feels good, it feels right, you might even achieve resonance because it reflects who you actually are.  This is what it means to follow one’s bliss- you are operating from a state of bliss in your highest interest. Decisions made here feel like inspiration and making those decisions feels like being propelled forward. Making a decision from the state of bliss is that decision that is on your course, a decision that allows you to stay on your path.

 

Unlike the person who quit her job to travel the world thinking she will find her bliss somewhere out there, you made the decision from within you. First you entered that state all by yourself, then you allowed your higher self to show you what decision will bring you more bliss, and then you got inspired to move in that direction. Do you see how the two decisions are very different and will have very different results in reality?

 

How does the opposite mental state feel? Choosing what course to take, when operating from that low mind state, feels like a painful decision. It feels hard because you might be choosing something that is opposite of what is truly in your highest good, perhaps it is in someone else’s best interest. It feels like a duty to something or someone outside your self. It feels like an obligation, a chain, a mental prison. Regardless, that feeling is that sign on the road that tells you that you are going the wrong way.

 

Years ago I was in a relationship with an amazing man. As always, I spoke my truth and informed him up front that I never want to have children and that marriage is something that I am not so sure about. He said he was okay with that, and was willing to see what happens. A year into the relationship he started hinting about marriage. How did his hints feel to me? Like a kick in the gut. The more he kept bringing up the subject, the tighter the knots in my belly felt. The more I thought about what he wants, the harder it was for me to get into that high mental state I so easily get myself into. Even meditation was kicking me out of my own mind. It felt like I was going to have to make a hard decision, and I kept avoiding this conversation for months. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I didn’t want to break up, but every time I thought about where he was heading I felt paralysis.

 

Then finally one day he said that he was ready to buy house, invest in our future and make a big move. When I asked why he wanted to buy the big house, he said that naturally there will be children. This hit me like a ton of bricks. Didn’t he know I don’t want kids? How did we get down this path when I told him many times this is not something I want? How is it possible for me to be standing on this road with him, when this is the absolute opposite situation I want to be in? The reason this felt awful for me is because I was not standing on my own path, I was standing on his. I was going along with something that didn’t feel quite right from the start. I knew in the back of my mind that he had an agenda that was different from mine, but his words reassured me that I must be imagining something. My intuition was telling me all along that I am going down the wrong, very wrong path with this person. I had a harder time connecting to myself, getting into that high state, meditation was becoming more challenging, and just going with the flow of his relationship didn’t feel right. I was making one wrong decision after another, allowing him to lead me to what was right for him. I found myself standing at the edge of a cliff. On one hand I really loved and cared for this person, on the other hand what he was asking for felt like death to me. I knew that if I went through with this I would die inside.

 

All humans get off their path, and we do it frequently. The purpose of life is to get lost, disoriented, so that we can learn how to re-connect with our higher self, and allow it to guide us towards the life we always wanted to create. Obstacles and problems are just signs on our road. I now know that the decisions I make in that high mental state are in my own best interest, not in someone else’s. The words I speak from that state are my ultimate truth. Sometimes my words resonate with other people who are usually right for me in some capacity, and they are offputting to others who are not in my energetic vicinity. I have learned to distinguish between people who operate from a high state of inspiration and those who operate from a low state of control, neediness, lack of center or validation. I no longer try to create relationships with people who are on another plane. I don’t judge them, I simply do not connect.

 

Once you are off course, it may be tricky to get back on. We all have an inner GPS system that is constantly calling us towards our own path. Sometimes, when we are not feeling so good, are going through a rough time, or even anxious or depressed, our ability to hear it’s guidance is numbed. It’s signals shoot through a much higher frequency than a sad or depressed person is operating from.

 

The best way to reconnect with the self is to be alone for an extended period of time. You might be tempted to seek advice from outside yourself, but that will only lead you to someone else’s path. Be alone. The most powerful people on earth are perfectly comfortable with their self.  In silence, when we are free from other people’s input we receive brief moments of clarity.  What do I truly want to say? How do I actually feel? If I speak words that soothe others, what I truly feel is rage inside. You realize that you are doing it to yourself, you are depressing yourself- no one else is doing it for you. Your inner self knows how it feels, but your logical self edits those feelings and arranges it into words that are easier for others to swallow.  I just uttered something that isn’t entirely true to me, but is the more appropriate thing to say. How does that feel? Do you feel the wrongness in that energy? You are lying to your self, you are beating your inner truth out of your self, then you are wondering who is this self that I am trying to get in touch with?

 

I was recently chatting with a friend whose admirer was twisting her arm into going on a date and possibly hooking up with her later. She did not feel good about this. She wasn’t attracted to him at all. The harder he tried to make plans, the worse she felt. She started avoiding him, then cancelled plans, then told him a white lie, and then started to consider how to spin the truth of how she actually feels into words that are going to be acceptable for him to hear. Meanwhile her body was talking to her by showing her exactly what she was doing wrong. On Thursday her throat was a bid coarse, by Friday she had a tight lump in her throat. The longer she considered how to craft an appropriate message for him, the tighter her throat felt. Meanwhile, there was no sign of illness, just a tight lump. That is her throat chakra signaling her that she is not speaking her truth. In reality, she as quite upset by his advances. He is a close friend of a guy she previously dated and she felt dismayed that he would be twisting her arm into spending the weekend with him despite the fact that she is his best friend’s ex. So much about their interaction felt wrong to her, but she was trying to be nice, be polite, and the nicer she was the more he sought to have his way, which was definitely not in her best interest.  When we are not listening to our GPS, the body will scream that there is something wrong. The more you keep ignoring it, the more painful and obvious the signal is.

 

In order to correct our course, we have to reconnect with our inner truth. We have to honor how we truly feel in a situation, and use our words to correctly describe that feeling. Sit in that bad feeling and allow it. Your body is talking to you through that energy, so pay attention to it. Take a pen and paper and start writing words that describe that tightness in the pit of your stomach. Does it feel gross, does it feel like fear, does it feel like control and manipulation, or does it feel like anger rage, imprisonment? That feeling and those words are the true nature of the situation. Those are your true feelings on the subject.

 

Write a letter and address it to the person whose behavior matches how you feel. You don’t actually have to mail it, but you have to write it. Get in touch with how you truly feel about him, her or the situation, and only write the truth and nothing but the truth. Resist the temptation to “reinterpret” your feelings, embellish words, or write what that person wants to hear. You are honoring your feelings here, not theirs. Write as long as you have to. Write for an hour or two, keep writing throughout the day, purge all your feelings onto that paper. If you have to cry, let it out. If you have to release more emotions, keep writing well into the night. Write as long as that feeling in the pit of your stomach or that lump in your throat hurts.  The goal is to first get in touch with your true feelings, expel them, then direct them in the appropriate direction.

 

Is there someone in your life to whom you have never been able to accurately convey how you truly feel? Regardless of whether they are open to listening, whether they are willing to accept your truth, you are responsible only for your part- to get those pent up feelings out of your gut, and either symbolically release them, or deliver them to the person (if you feel they can appropriately deal with them).  Often people don’t want your true feelings. Understand, that is their right. My father never wanted my feelings, he only wanted me to honor him with actions and behavior that supported how he wanted to feel about himself. My mother will only listen when my words make her feel coddled. That is fine. Allow people to accept or reject your feelings. After all, your feelings are not theirs.

 

If you are in a solid relationship with a person who actually wants to know how you feel, and is interested in your truth, it is a good idea to share those feelings accurately and without embellishment. Explaining to my ex that I felt cheated and deceived by his leading me down a path he knew I didn’t want to go would have been very helpful to him, but more helpful to me. Speaking that truth would have released me from the agony of deceit I kept feeling for years and bringing into every future relationship with me.

 

Once the letter is written, and your truth is spoken, pay attention to how you feel now both physically and mentally. Does your body feel like a heavy burden has been lifted off it’s shoulders? Does your mind feel clearer or lighter? That lightness of energy is your GPS slowly guiding you back onto your course. You can burn the letter forever releasing that energy from your awareness, or you can use it as an outline of the exact words you must convey to the person you have to speak to. You may not want to mail a 10 pager to a person who might be overwhelmed by your emotions, but you can condense it into a one page letter that accurately reflects how you truly feel. If the person is willing to deal with your feelings, send the letter. You must honor people’s choice and unwillingness to process your feelings, never force your feelings on others.

 

The act of writing the letter helps you get in touch with your truth, so it serves your own higher purpose. It cleanses you of energies that you don’t want to carry. You cannot expect others to want to carry your negative feelings for you. If they don’t want it, don’t give it to them.

 

You will notice how speaking your truth re-connects you to your higher self. You will also notice how your body and mind feel once the truth has set you free. You actually will feel free, and will easily flow back towards your center or your path. Your path is nothing more than an energetic connection to your inner self, to source, to the universe, or what some people refer to as God. Whatever you want to call it (I simply see it as energy), this is the place to find your GPS and allow it to lead you to your next destination.

 

I reconnect with this energy twice a day in meditation. Over the years that I have been in this practice, I have learned to enter the state of bliss or ecstasy on demand. I stay in it as long as it feels good. I make no decisions, nor moves unless I am in that state. In that state, I will easily know what to do. Outside of that state, I often don’t.

 

Many of my friends experiment with drugs to achieve certain mental states. I am okay with that. I don’t blame people for trying that, because it is the desire to find a higher state that is actually a step on our path. So far, I have not encountered a person who has benefited from a drug permanently, nor a person whose experience did not hit a threshold. There is always a limit to how high any drug will take you, and there is always a finale. In meditation there are no limits because the universe is infinite. We experience as much or as little as we are open to. When I am totally open, I see, hear, know, feel, smell, taste and experience infinity with more senses than science has ever identified. I perceive the universe with senses I cannot describe in words. And when I am only partially open, yes, my meditation experience is limited though still beneficial. It all depends on me.

 

But, your path is just an energetic guidance system, nothing else. You know when you are in those higher states when decisions seem inspired, like no-brainers. And you know when you are totally disconnected, when every experience feels like dense energy in your physical body. Practice letting go, releasing energy, and connecting yourself to flow. How you connect is totally up to you. If you enjoy loud dance music, allow yourself to dance your way into nirvana. Many of my friends experience a runner’s high- that is their state of perfection. And for me, I close my eyes, become still and my mind lights up like a light bulb. My reality is absolutely blinding. Your state of flow, your lightness of being is your path.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Blog | 4 Comments

How To Date On Your Own Terms

The number one quality I look for in a man is my own interest in him. This really should be the top requirement in getting to know a person, going on a date, and pursuing a relationship. My interest precludes all other qualities he could possibly possess. It precludes his niceness, his willingness, his academic and work qualifications, his psychological profile, his physical attractiveness. If I personally have no interest, there is nothing he can do about it. This sounds cold, and I get a lot of disapproval from both men and women. So, I often ask women why do you date men you have little to no interest in?

 

Most women will tell you that they give nice guys a chance. They date for the opportunity to meet someone. They date to get to know someone. But, later, when they get into situationships with people that are pointless, fruitless, or dissatisfying, they have no concrete understanding how they ended up in this situation. That’s obvious, you are dating people you don’t necessarily want, people who don’t truly turn you on, even people who asked you out, simply because no one else did. All those reasons are ridiculous. You are choosing from the lowest hanging fruit.

 

We all date for different reasons, and all reasons are valid. Some women date to hook up. That’s perfectly fine, except when they are hooking up with men who don’t actually turn them on. The next day they wonder why the whole experience was so empty. They took a willing participant, not someone they actually felt physically attracted to.

 

A lot of women want a real relationship. That’s nice, but why are you dating men who you don’t know qualify as relationship material? Why are you trying to get to know a person on superficial levels (does he pay for dinner? Does he open doors? How quickly does he respond to texts?”), and ignoring important qualities you want in a relationship: the ability to connect on an emotional level, a clean history of solid long-term relationships, inner character, a spine would be nice. A man whose word is important to himself is far more valuable than a man whose words change depending on the situation. Wouldn’t you rather know if he has balls or even self-esteem before you get invested in him?

 

Some women want to get married and start families, yet they consistently date men who dangle those things in front of their faces like a carrot on a stick. Then they wonder why they have to chase him and his carrot stick for years, and still don’t have the relationship they want. Women in this situation often admit that he isn’t that great, that they are actually just chasing marriage. They could have marriage easily, if they only dated men  who qualified first.  Do you see what a waste of time it is to start dating someone with the wait and see what happens attitude? Maybe one day he will be ready, maybe one day he will be serious, maybe one day he will decide for her that it is time to get married.  Sorry ladies, but no Goddess I know has the wait and see attitude.

 

A lot of my friends, both male and female are reaching middle-age, and acknowledge a history of negative dating patterns, and psychological profiles of people they dated. The vast majority of women I know are repeating patterns with narcissists, pathological liars, men with egos so bloated, they only see it when it explodes in their face. Yet, in all their experience dating they have never questioned their own tastes, their own attraction points, their own preferences, and their own psychological issues that make them chase exactly those toxic qualities they despise so much.

 

I believe that the entire culture of dating, and our belief that we must keep connecting with people, and giving the wrong people a chance simply because they chose us, is exactly why every interaction with the opposite sex turns into a situationship rather than a relationship. The entire process of traditional dating stinks. I have been criticizing the dating culture, dating media and the dating industry for years, and still can’t understand why people (both men and women) buy into it. Do you really think that a dating manual will teach you how to apply the latest texting trick successfully and lead you to everlasting peace with someone? No, it will lead you into another bogus situation. If you are a grown up, and have experienced a lifetime of bogus dating situations, repeated patterns with people who have no ability to connect to you on your level, why are you dating at all? Why? Do you have an answer to that?

 

Is dating, and the race to score a mate really that important? Is it more important to you than your dignity? Is it more important than your inner peace? Is being alone such a deep seated fear that you must keep putting yourself out there over and over again for the bleak opportunity to secure someone mediocre? Much of the dating industry is just irrational fear mongering for women, and an ego trip for men who need it. Real people don’t connect using techniques. Real people connect on a deeper level, and that never happens by following a relationship manual.

 

When you met your closest friends, did you study a course outline? Did you take your friendships step by step, from a handshake, to drinks, to a phone call, to exchanging mindless texts, to building an actual friendship? No, you followed your instincts, hung out with people whose vibe you like, found your tribe, then opened up and allowed them time and space to open up to you too. Did you have a goal or an agenda when you met your best friend? Were you hoping from day one that it turns into a friendship of a lifetime? No, you weren’t that desperate, nor foolish. You allowed people whose company you enjoy to get to know you and vice versa.

 

You certainly did not attempt to build a friendship with a person you don’t like, a person whose views don’t necessarily mesh with yours, nor did you attempt to bond with the friend who demanded that you tell them where this relationship is going after three outings. You find your tribe based on your own personal interest, mutual attractiveness, and interest that is always equal. For some odd reason, it is very common for a woman to feel nothing for a man at all on the first date, then find herself still dating him months later, hoping that she will find something in him that she didn’t see on the first date.

 

I see women going on dates with men they actually have no interest in at all. Some women do this because no one better has asked them out. That is just a demonstration that she is willing to settle for less than great. Some women date to possibly make a friend. Some date for the sheer numbers, they believe the more men they meet the greater their chances are in meeting someone they could actually be with. Unfortunately, most women allow the man to first decide whether he wants her, and what he actually wants from her, and they go along with it, even when she has made no such decision for herself at all. Did you actually choose him, or did you allow him to choose you? “Umm, well, he asked me out, so I went” is usually the answer. But why did you spend an hour of your valuable time, having dinner and giving a chance to a person you aren’t actually interested in?” “Because he invited me to dinner and that is a nice gesture”.  Many women are simply responding to a kind gesture, so a lot of women have absolutely no idea how to choose.

 

I really believe that women should stop dating. Period. Disconnect form the dating industry, burn all your dating books so that no one else suffers the misfortune of subscribing to the insanity that dating culture exposes us to. Just stop. Take a time out, go on a man-diet, re-connect with yourself, find yourself, take a long time to think about who do you want. You should have a clear idea of the psychological and emotional profile of the person you would like to spend time with. Then take some time to understand how to spot those qualities, how to screen for narcissism, bloated egos, superficiality and deep insecurities. Read, study people, observe. Most of all, study yourself in all these situations.

 

If you have a lifelong habit of picking out narcissists, you have to fix yourself first. List all the grandiose or false qualities you were attracted to that later turned out to be a mask. Above all things, you must know yourself, your strengths and fatal weaknesses if you want to become a sharp observer and screener of people.

 

Never date a man unless you actually have a strong interest in him. If you don’t know him, there is no reason to give a stranger a chance at all. If you know nothing about a person, rather than start dating him and following dating rules and patterns, try not dating him at all.

 

How do I date? By not dating. I absolutely hate giving time to people who I am not attracted to, who I find unattractive on a physical, personal or a social level. I make no apologies for that. Next, I am usually getting to know a lot of people at the same time. I get to know them socially through friends, I observe them in a group setting, and try to determine who in my social circle respects them, and who they show respect to. Are they surrounded by drama, are they surrounded by phonies, or are they shrouded in mystery? Mysterious people who give off no signals and deflect direct questions are red-flags to me.

 

I look for non-date opportunities to get to know a person. At this point he probably has no clue that I am interested.  I organize a hike with a few people, so I can gauge the topic of our conversations and how he feels about important subjects. Recently, on a three hour drive to a retreat with a bunch of friends, I got to know two guys on a deeper level, simply by listening carefully to the topic of conversation on a long car ride. One was anti-choice and revealed himself to be a pro-lifer. Now I know I won’t be hooking up with that.  The other, who I was less interested in looks like he would either be a good friend with benefits, or someone to get to know better. Both of these guys asked me out on a date, and I am glad I did not participate in a traditional date with either of them. The pro-lifer admitted to hiding his political status on Tinder and from most of his dates simply because women tend to dump him up front. That means that he would have hidden that fact from me too.

 

When I meet someone I am interested in dating, I actually ask him out myself. I know that a lot of women are not comfortable doing this, but I think that remaining passive and only dating men who ask you out, leaves you at the mercy of the dating traditions and social norms. You won’t meet a soulmate when you are choosing from what’s available to you. I know how I feel about someone, I trust my own instinct, so why remain passive and give only chances to men I know I don’t want?

 

I get asked out a lot. My job is such that I meet a ton of people, and I am grateful for that. But I ignore 99.9% of people out there because I have learned that dating traditionally, and dating only men who ask me out is a complete waste of my life. He gets to date who he wants, but I have to choose from among those who tried their chances with me? No. Some guys will ask you out because they truly want you, while others are just playing the numbers game and asking every woman out. They get lucky, because a lot of high quality women give chances to men simply because they asked.

 

By dating on my own terms, I have freed myself from the dating game, or the actual rat race. I refuse to waste one hour of my time drinking wine and making eye contact with a man I find unattractive. I won’t dishonor myself that way. I refuse to then make nice, and say all those appropriately polite things, and lead him on to the next date when I really didn’t enjoy the first one at all. It is disrespectful to the man, it creates a false impression, and worst of all, the dishonesty makes me feel icky. Entertaining the possibility of someone I really am not interested in feels gross to me. I like myself too much for that.

 

There are times when I am not interested in any men at all. I make absolutely no effort to date then. The last place you will see my face is on a dating app. Why should any random schmuck have access to me and believe that he could have me at the click of a button? Personally, I wouldn’t place much value on men who are on Tinder either. They are playing the numbers game, they are available to all my girlfriends who screenshot their profiles then trade “look who I found on Tinder” in group chats. If everyone in the tri-state area can have access to a man, there’s no way he will be mine.

 

Now that I am no longer in the ugly rat race of dating, I am much more relaxed and unconcerned with men in general. My inbox is full of offers I don’t even read any more. I organize events, I attend parties and I only talk to men who I have identified as interesting. I don’t even acknowledge the men who are not dateable. I will approach someone and start a conversation, I will ask an acquaintance for an introduction, and I only give my phone number to people I actually want to talk to. I openly say no to men I don’t want to connect with, I don’t say it rudely but I make sure that I am clear. I have a card without a phone number for the persistent buggers, but I find that I no longer need to use it when I clearly state no.

 

Now, when I show up to a date, it is because I truly want to be there. The person who invited me has my genuine attention. I am not feigning interest, nor am I just going through the motions. If they don’t convince me on that one date that they are 100% available to me and only me, if they hint they may have better options, or are entertaining other women, I have no reason to be there again. I am there to enjoy myself, and I’m gone as soon as it is no longer pure joy to see that person.

 

The ball is in my court. I used to go on too many dates, then wonder why the experience always made me feel gross. That was because I was trying to get to know people I really didn’t want to know. Now I only go on a few dates, but they are quality time. If a person doesn’t seem to want to connect on anything but a superficial level, I bow out long before the dating process even started. I don’t need anything superficial. Sometimes I do, most of the time I don’t.

 

So, how do we get to the first date? Like I said, I have to be truly interested. After I have gotten to know him by not dating him at all, I then determine what if anything I want from him? Do I want a fling, is he truly relationship material? Is he grown up enough, and genuine enough for me? If yes, there are three additional things I must know before we get to the first date: Is he 100% available to me, is he 100% percent interested in me, is he 100% free and clear of past relationships? If he is dawdling, still looking or still attached to an ex, these are things I must know. I only date 100%-ers, and it is not enough that they are 100% interested in me. I first and foremost must be interested in him.  There’s no interest if I smell an ex or if I think he is dating other people. This may sound like a tall order for you, but the only men I interact with are the ones who are 100% interested and available. You might think they don’t exist, but I say there are armies of them who are willing to be 100% to a quality person. You won’t meet the 100%-ers if you are giving chances to men you don’t want, and paying an ounce of attention to men who are just kicking the tires.

 

Do not date men who have shown you they have other options. They are not qualified. How much time and aggravation have you wasted dating people who are dating other people? By now you know they are not worth any effort. Only consider those who have openly stated their full interest and full availability. If you are not sure you believe him, it is because he isn’t believable. Don’t go there.

 

I perceive not dating as a super power. It is amazing how men up their game when they realize they don’t have your interest. It is my time to observe from a place of detachment. A lot of men and women feel like losers when they are not dating, so they quickly jump into the race only to find they actually don’t enjoy a single person. I have learned through self observation that I only feel like a loser when I am participating in dating just for the sake of dating. It feels awful to be on a date with someone I feel no interest in at all. It feels even worse to then go through the appropriate post-date motions of exchanging dull texts, making plans or politely and without hurting his feelings look for a way out. I’d rather not be there in the first place.

 

I also found that my time with men is of greater quality. By only meeting with people I actually am interested in, I find that I am more present on a date. I am enjoying myself more when I am truly interested in what he has to say.  I ask better questions when I am curious whether the person relates to me. I am much more likely to make an effort to actually know someone if I am happy to be in his presence. I feel no pressure to do anything at all. I am simply there for my own pleasure, and if he is not enjoying himself, or if I don’t meet his agenda, nothing has to happen.

 

Depending on my interest, something can happen but only when I want it to happen. That can be after a few dates, after a few weeks, or after a few months. It all depends on whether I want a hookup, a summer fling or a relationship. Everything happens on my own time, and I go no further if for any reason I feel uncomfortable.

 

No one has to invest in a relationship with me, I don’t prod people into giving me more time than they want. I relax and see what happens. If nothing is happening I don’t feel like I failed at some dating technique, I understand that there was no magic in that connection. It takes two people to create a spark. If only one of us lights up, there’s no magic. You don’t need three dates to see for yourself that there isn’t a mutual spark. If there is a spark, the whole relationship will power up right away.

 

I do date several people at the same time, or no people at all. Regardless, I am always getting to know someone on some level, whether they know it or not. By getting to know men by hanging out and not dating, I meet them with their guard down. You’d be surprised what you can learn when you are not dating him. A lot of men discount women who are not in their dating pool. This is the perfect time to get to know him. When you are not dating him, he won’t be on his best behavior, and if he thinks he has no chance with you, he is more likely to be his true self.

 

I almost started dating someone six months ago, then backed out once I saw him in a group setting. My first instinct was that this guy has issues that my eyes don’t see. So I observed. Hanging out with a bunch of friends I learned that his last ex filed a lawsuit. His previous one pressed charges against him, and his relationships tend to be with the most inappropriate people (coworkers, friend’s exes, even bosses). After a few hours of drinking, he made a fist and punched the table then turned it into a joke about the effect he has on women. I observed and I learned everything I needed to know about him that night. Would I have learned this had I actually started dating him when he asked me out? Chances are he would have been on his best behavior and after three dates I would have done something I regret, had I followed the ridiculous three date rule.

 

I suggest that you devise your own personal way for getting to know people. Following tradition will lead you nowhere, and force you to choose from the lowest hanging fruit. So many intelligent, successful, ambitious women I know are entertaining men who don’t qualify for a minute of their time. But they are only choosing from the men who asked them out.  Following your own instinct even when your instincts are wrong, will allow you to see yourself, discover your own deeper issues, your own flaws and readjust. Inside the private Goddess forum, I advise women to date less, not more. You don’t owe everyone your attention or time. Learn how to spot the characteristics of men who are toxic or just plain wrong for you up front.

 

I can now ask a few prodding questions as soon as I meet someone that allow me to see how he sees himself, how he perceives me, and what his agenda is. I don’t have to meet him for a drink to know he isn’t for me. I use my intuition and I trust it. I’d rather be wrong and lose a few people, than get into icky situations just because I ignored that first gut feeling.  The moral of the story is to make your own dating rules, become more in touch with your own self, figure out what kind of connection you want and screen for whether the person is even capable of that before you go down the dating path. I won’t date some schmuck simply because he wants me, and neither should you. And I certainly won’t choose from the lowest hanging fruit. The number one quality I look for in a man is my own interest in him.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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When Love Isn’t Happening

If it’s not happening, you are giving air time to contradiction. You want love. But, that’s not good enough. Self-love gets stale, so you’d rather have someone else to love. Okay. You get into your center, align, open your chakras, and you get into the right frequency. Very cool for you. Only later you look at Facebook, click on an article about how most singletons your age are lonely, and how dissatisfied they are with their six figure, meaningful jobs, and boom! You identify with that. Or, boom, you get angry about that. Whether you identify with the sentiment or you rally against it doesn’t matter. You went boom, and crashed down to earth. There goes your love. A minute before you were in the right place. But now, you allowed the contradiction, acknowledged it as real, and as soon as you gave it airtime, crashed down to earth. Heart chakra, solar plexus, sacral and root chakras just slammed shut. What’s the point?

Let’s try this again. What is love? It is just an energy you produce all by yourself. I don’t care whether I love that one, or that one, or that one. Does it matter if one man isn’t participating in what I’m creating right now? Every human has the power to create the feeling of love. Don’t believe me? Scroll down to the video of the girl blissing in her moment, look at your dog’s face light up the second it sees you, or your own heart melt like butter when your baby calls you mom. Love happens on demand. You have the power to turn it on like a power switch. It shuts off in a split second, the minute you see or feel contradiction. Your power is in holding your energy still in exactly the place you choose to put it in, No Matter What your eyes see or your ears hear, your energy should be exactly where you want it.  This takes practice.

Let’s try this again. Get aligned, tune into the energy of love, then practice staying there no matter what. Once you feel stable, log onto Facebook, and set your intention on reading a negative article or responding to a negative post, while mindfully holding your energy in the state of love. If you feel yourself getting wobbly, slowly shift your focus back into yourself and realign with love. Again, slowly turn your attention onto something you don’t like, and see how long you can hold love in your consciousness, while that moron you dislike so much is allowed to be who he wants to be.

I recently went through a mini breakup. No biggie, but it made me cranky for a few days. I didn’t miss him, I just hated that I gave air-time to who I don’t want. I was feeling the contradiction of what I truly think I deserve. You cannot stuff your negative feelings, fighting to keep a balloon under water only makes it explode. Rather than dwell on all that went wrong, I decided to slowly direct my energy (not my crazy thoughts and whacked feelings) somewhere else. What made me feel better is a long, scenic drive, an overnight in my favorite cabin, an awesome bottle of wine, and a fireplace. I borrowed a dog because having an animal nearby always makes me happy. In the morning I went to a wolf sanctuary because I love petting wild animals. The whole weekend I was practicing shifting my energy toward something that feels better. Often an animal feels better than a human. Each time I felt bliss, I practiced holding my energy there as long as I can. It took 3 hrs to re-center and find my power again.

The power of love has nothing to do with men, nor whether you’ve had one today. They can’t make you happy. Love is a power because it is your own personal center, it is the core of who you are as a being. Love can make you happy when you learn that you alone possess it, you alone operate it, you alone choose whether you are tuned in or tuned out. Think of love energy as your magic wand. Practice using your wand by first changing your frequency, shifting how you feel in any given moment, becoming bulletproof when people hurl insults, remaining unaffected because the only thing you are receiving in their moment of anger is your own stream of love. Here is a negative condition that is happening to everyone else, it is making everyone angry, but it is not affecting you. You are tuned into something else.

Some people need drugs to tune into ecstasy.  I do it on command with my own mind. When I do, I am power, I am God.

 

S

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