How To Release The Stigma Of Your Choice

STIGMA.  We all get stigmatized for our choices, and in the last few weeks since the new abortion laws were passed, I have been hearing a lot from women who have been stigmatized for having an abortion, considering one, not having any children, having them outside of marriage, not having them on time, or having them “too late”, past her prime.  We all know the ugly feeling of judgment, like we can’t do right when the world says we are wrong. But, stigma is just judgment that we are willing to accept.

 

The way I have dealt with all my “wrong” and difficult choices is to be proud of them, not hide them, even flaunt them in the face of people who try to inflict guilt. Why?  It releases me from the stigma. It is my way of saying no to their judgment, not accepting it, not internalizing it, and remaining free from carrying that stigma around.

 

When you argue or have a vicious fight with someone who is judging you, the more you argue for your choices, the more you validate them and their judgment about you. Why should I argue with a mental midget that I am an equal to that mental midget? Why should I argue with an ignorant buffoon, that I should be able to make choices in my best interest without his/her approval? That drops me down to the buffoon’s psychological level.

 

Instead, I openly talk about the benefits of the choices I have made, how guilt free I feel,  I revel in my freedom, I gloat about how I have never felt wrong, only absolutely right. Basically, I am demonstrating how great I feel, and how powerless their words of judgment are compared to my happiness. It really shuts people up.

 

Last summer I was at a social gathering, when two men whose egos I refused to stroke, tried to shame me in front of other guests. They agreed that at my age, my chances of scoring a “real man” like they were are nil, how at my age and my inability to bear a child made me absolutely useless to successful and powerful men, and that they were willing to introduce me to some guys would be willing to give me a chance. I’m not kidding, this was a very upscale social gathering, with seemingly educated people. I was the only female in the room who was refusing to validate both of them, the one refusing to be in awe of their bloated self-aggrandizing personalities, so they decided to talk about me in front of all the men in the room and the wives who believe in them.

 

Sure judgment feels awful, however I was not willing to accept it from them. Had I started to cry, I would have confirmed my insecurity to them, and they would have puffed up even more. Had I taken my boxing gloves out (I am an excellent verbal fighter) and argued for my choices, my words would have fallen on deaf ears, the douche bags only wanted to hear what they wanted to hear. And had I fought viciously, they would have used my anger as proof that they are right, and I am some angry, disgruntled woman.

 

So, I took a gulp of champagne, sparkled myself up, closed my eyes and took a very deep breath in and a giant orgasmic smile lit up my face. Without any acknowledgement of their judgment, I started to tell my own story to everyone in the living room. I started to revel in my singleness, shamelessly announced how much I enjoy having multiple men at the same time, how virile younger men are, and the deliciousness of enjoying a vibrant sex life. They also criticized my global travels and tried to say that I was a bored, lonely spinster for traveling so much. So, I gloated about what it is like to get on a plane, fly to an island in Thailand, and get f*cked for a long weekend by an international friend with benefits. I also exclaimed that none of this would be possible if I had children. As I stood there in that living room surrounded by judgmental strangers, I was totally lit, very much at ease with myself, almost boasting about having multiple-orgasms, and how not being married is advantageous to a woman in her prime. I could not shut up, I just went on and on for ten minutes, while there was total silence in the room.

 

When I was finished, I took a very deep breath and released, as if I just had a massive orgasm. Then I asked the ladies if any of them have ever had a real orgasm or if they fake it with their old men?

 

After that, not one person in the room dared to challenge me. I just described the awesomeness and the rightness of every choice I had made without stooping to their level. When they went low, I went super high J

 

My point is that we all have a choice whether to accept judgment, or not be affected by it. Judgment is only a powerful manipulation tool IF we accept it. When we demonstrate that it has no power over our emotions nor our self-worth, we also demonstrate the power we have over ourselves. No one will dare to rub your actions in your face when they see how powerful you feel for having made that choice.

 

Stigma is just judgment we have accepted. When you feel stigmatized, a part of you has accepted the wrongness of a choice you made, even when you made it in your best interest. Release all stigma, it isn’t yours, it belongs to the ones who attempted to control you by manipulating you with guilt. Focus on the rightness of each choice you made. Never explain why you made that choice, you owe no one your excuses. Instead, focus only on all the best things that happened as a result of you doing what is best for yourself. Never display guilt, shame, second-thoughts- all these feelings may be valid to you, but sharing your personal doubts with shamers will only amplify them, and give them a tool to beat you up with.

 

Many of you know that I have been volunteering for Planned Parenthood since college. Imagine how beat up women feel for making a difficult choice, and what it is like to face a crowd of angry mobs who will spit, shame, assault so that you would make a choice in their interest. Seven years ago a woman did something I thought was absolutely genius. She decided to go live on Youtube, and demonstrate using the Morning After pill, show to the public what it is like to miscarry or abort live, and openly talk about the side-effects, what is happening to her body by the hour, in full confidence of the choice she made. That one video completely demystified and destigmatized the process.

 

She took questions from her viewers live, addressed critics and haters with confidence, but also took questions from women who were terrified of the scary side effects they heard about. They watched her go through the process live and she was perfectly calm, and rational about it.

 

The reason I bring up this story is that I think she did more for the cause than anybody else. She stood on live camera fearlessly and brought down the argument that the morning after pill is dangerous, permanently damaging, painful, etc. Since her, many other women have done the same, documenting their choice, pre and post abortion to educate.

 

We destigmatize things by openly talking about them, not hiding as if they are shameful. Stigma is just a bad feeling we all carry. It was inflicted on us by someone who manipulated us to choose what is right for them, not for us. It is your choice to accept stigma, and totally within your power to release it.

 

Rather than complain about how the world makes you feel bad because you are unmarried, your biological clock is ticking, you are having sex too freely, you can just as easily not feel bad about those things. All these things are my choice and I revel in the rightness of each and every choice I made for myself. Rather than feel bad, I choose to feel great. Rather than argue with someone for my freedom to do what is best for me, I demonstrate with great passion how awesome I feel.

 

Judgment is an ugly feeling that is inflicted upon women to make them feel bad for daring to act for themselves. Stigma is our acceptance that what we have chosen requires their approval. But power is a magnificent thing. Power is our ability to remain unaffected by whatever they inflict upon us. There is nothing more powerful than a woman who is 100% sure of her self, 100% unaffected, and 100% willing to act in her own self-interest.

 

No apologies, no regrets.

S

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How To Select Your Soulmate

How to choose your soulmate? Choose you.

 

By definition, your soulmate, is you. It is that person whose soul matches yours. It is that person whose personal development and all the work that went into it, matches your own work. It is that person who is as evolved, as awake, as enlightened as you. If you are all of those things, then you must be very self-aware. And if you are as self-aware as you should be, then anyone who does not match you, anyone who does not match your personal value system, your level of consciousness, your level of self-love will be a glaring contrast to you. Your soulmate is someone you do not have to compensate for. If you have reached that level of self-awareness, you are complete, you are full, you stand in perfection. There would be no need to bend down, make excuses for, or compensate for a person’s shortcomings if he or she matched your soul.

 

What is the purpose of all our failed relationships? None of those past relationships are failures, they were simply lessons in you. Many people fail to see that. The purpose of every relationship regardless of whether it was romantic, familial, or social is to gain awareness of who you are at the core level, and how to gain and maintain respect for yourself. Going back to your earliest relationships, you had to learn to relate to others, develop empathy, treat people respectfully, then evaluate whether they respect you enough to make the relationship worthy of you. The only way you could receive respect is to respect yourself first, and that is a lesson that takes the longest to master.

 

As you got older, and time progressed, you learned what behaviors and belief systems did not honor you, and you learned how to move faster, walking away from relationships which are not in your best interest. Some people believe that this walking away is a bad thing, that somehow ending relationships sooner, represents a lack of effort, lack of persistence, that there is something wrong with people or you. I disagree. Walking away sooner is simply proof that you are learning how to choose you, how to honor yourself first, how to choose situations which are healthy for you, and how to choose people whose inner self matches your own. The more self-aware you are, the more obvious it will be when someone has not reached that level of awareness. A mortal will never be your equal.

 

A Goddess is a woman who has put in a lot of work into building herself. She has a strong foundation, an unshakeable personal belief system, she knows exactly who she is. She is self-reliant, capable, she has faced and conquered her inner demons, she has repaired her own cracks, she has healed her heart many times and still allowed it to remain wide open. She does not see herself as a victim of men, she is a student of life, and her place in it. She works on mastering herself, building her own character, strengthening her own weaknesses, pursuing her own goals. A Goddess is not concerned with pleasing mortals, or bending down to make smaller men feel equal. She knows what she deserves.

 

A Goddess’s equal is God himself. Her soul’s mate can only be that one whose reflection matches her level of completion, her level of self-awareness, her self-esteem. And a God won’t settle for a mortal woman who will admire and look up to him, nor would he be satisfied by a woman who can only stroke his ego. Such women hold no value at all. A God is a man who has created himself, and can only be satisfied by a worthy counterpart. The two are whole and complete people, neither having to compensate or bend down for the other.

 

All of life’s relationships are a lesson in you. When you failed a lesson, it always repeated itself with similar relationships, until you gained an understanding of your own patterns, and learned how to choose you. Maybe you still haven’t learned it. If you are still not consistently choosing you, your self-respect, your honor, and your being, you are not standing on your pedestal, and you are not going to be worshiped until you do. No one will worship a mortal, but masses and masses will worship you when you are a Goddess. Keep working on you.

 

If you are directing your frustration and anger at men who have not met you on your level of completion, you are wasting your time. It is not their job to step up and be who you need them to be. It is your job to keep rising, evolving, perfecting your own being. Your work is none of their business, and their path is none of yours.  In the course of your lifetime, you will encounter many road-blocks, suffer many setbacks, battle your own demons, you will bleed. Don’t be fooled. Your soulmate is not the one who stitches your heart up, it is the one who has bled just as you, has as many wounds and bruises as you do, and has learned an equal number of life’s lessons. Your soulmate is the one who knows how to choose himself too. He has an equal level of self-respect, and can just as easily spot a woman who has not reached his own level of personal development. Your soulmate will keep walking until he meets his equal. Don’t chase people who are walking, they are not for you.

 

Finding a soulmate is a journey within the self. It is a journey of consistently choosing you, over any relationship, and always being true to your own self. It is a journey of developing honor for the self, and consistently honoring it.

 

When you choose you, you continue to evolve. As you are growing, you matches will be people who are temporarily on your level, but the goal is to self-actualize, not to settle for what is available. When you reach that level of completion, when you feel whole without anybody else, when you notice that others see in you what you see in yourself, you will notice that people value you to a much greater degree than ever before. People will compete for your time and your attention because it is valuable to them. They will respect your beliefs, honor your time and space, value your opinions. You won’t have to ask for respect, you will command it easily. You won’t have to chase people, they will willingly be in your presence. That is the time to choose your soul mate. Your soul mate will never be a beggar starving for your attention, nor a demander of your respect. He will be your equal. You will easily recognize God when you see him. But until then, keep choosing you.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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Has He Triggered You Into Chasing Him?

Just because you have emotions and feelings for a guy, does not mean that you have love. A true love connection goes both ways, the feeling is always mutual. And just because you have feelings, does not make the relationship or situation valid. Remember, for any situation to be real, it must be of benefit, of interest, and equally enjoyable for both people. So, what to do if you have feelings, but he doesn’t?

 

Simmer yourself down. You can’t negotiate feelings out of people. You can’t state your case, then argue your way into a relationship. Despite what relationship manuals say, you cannot create genuine feelings by applying magic tricks. Anything that interferes with a person’s free will is cheap manipulation and it cannot end well. Often those feelings we feel for a person are not rational. Have you ever actually analyzed your feelings for a person who does not want you?

 

Often, those feelings are something else. Often, those are feeling of rejection. His reluctance or disinterest has triggered something within you, and now you confuse that feeling of rejection, that heart throb, for having feelings of love for him. No, he triggered you. We all know how rejection feels, and we often want that object of our affection even more after we have felt that twinge of heart ache. But don’t confuse that aching heart for love. It is the ache of rejection. We all want the ones we can’t have.

 

Haven’t you noticed that the people who want us badly, so, so badly, often come across as creeps, but people who blow us off, trigger something within us and we want to prove to ourselves that we can have them. An emotion is just that, an emotional reaction. And when we have been slighted, forgotten or dismissed, some of us turn into rabid dogs chasing, wanting, pleading, manipulating.

 

Your power is always in knowing yourself. Be aware of your emotional triggers, and know that it is just your mind/body reaction to an uncomfortable situation, and not to be confused with love, nor sexual attraction. Yes, we often feel twice as attracted to the man who can easily turn his back on us. Do you remember the story of Pavlov’s dog and what made the dog salivate? It wasn’t the meat that made the dog salivate. The dog would drool every time it heard Pavlov ring a bell. The bell is just a trigger, and the drool is just a reaction. Don’t confuse an emotional reaction with the emotion of love. They are drastically different feelings some of us have been conditioned to confuse. But there is a very clear difference between the sound of the bell, and the smell of tasty meat.

 

If you understand yourself, you will understand how men operate. Most of them simply know how to trigger us. There are tricks that work on most women all the time. I can’t blame men for using them. Your choice is whether to be a slave to your own emotional triggers, or learn to recognize them. An interesting thing I observed recently. My 6 year old nephew was triggering my sister by rejecting her, then showing her love, then rejecting her again, and my highly intelligent, super successful sister fell for it each and every time. If we can be outsmarted and outmaneuvered by a 6 year old boy, what does that say about our personal power?

 

Most men have been practicing how to pull that trigger since childhood. And each and every dating manual for rejects with low emotional intelligence teach tricks like NLP that can easily be deployed to manipulate anyone into submission. If you find yourself falling for cheap tricks each an every time, and being extremely attracted to anyone who knows how to push your emotional buttons, it is in your best interest to admit that you are easily played. No, it’s not anyone’s fault that you drool every time the bell rings. It is your fault that as a grown-ass woman you don’t know enough about yourself. Women who don’t know themselves have no power at all.

 

Pay attention to your own emotions, and how easily you get triggered into chasing something that isn’t wanting you. Then, pay attention how nervous men get when they see they have no effect on you at all. You are as cool as a cucumber, and you are playing no games.

 

Knowing myself and being aware when someone is trying to trigger me, allows me the luxury to sit back and observe. It is exactly when some pushes my emotional buttons that I open my eyes and ears and watch his performance. Usually, when there is no reaction from me at all, that is exactly when the slick little dolt will try even harder.  What I have discovered by observing people do their best to push my emotional buttons is just how emotionally impotent they are.

 

Observe an adult male who has reached the age of maturity, and the only power he feels is when he can trigger an emotional response from a dimwit. Yet, for a lot of grown men that is the only way they can gain any interest from a woman. A lot of dolts and douche-bags actually feel empowered when they have pulled a trigger and gotten a reaction. I am sure that Pavlov too thought he was absolutely brilliant when he got a dog to drool with a bell instead of real meat. Most men would beat their chests and congratulate themselves for being a real male. And really, that is all there is to manhood. Just that. I pulled a trigger, she reacted, and now I feel like a real man.  They go around a bar, collecting phone numbers simply by pulling emotional triggers, and the dimwit who gave it to him felt a true emotional connection. Yes, she felt something but it wasn’t attraction at all.

 

Often when I talk to women in our private forum, they describe being attracted to someone for inexplicable reasons. They assume he has some magical power that she has no control over. Men describe the same situations too when they are being triggered by an expert manipulator.  Women know how to pull the trigger too.

 

But this is an asinine way to attract people. Knowing how to pull an emotional trigger is something a three year old can do. And relating to people by pushing buttons is a sign of low emotional intelligence for both parties. It takes an emotional midget to trigger another emotional midget. It takes an action and a reaction to make a relationship between two emotional Neanderthals. We cannot blame men for this, nor can we make women the only victims. They are both operating on the same wave-length. They are equals in every sense of the word.

 

Observation is a very powerful tool that can help you assess who you are dealing with. And one of the best things you can do for yourself is to analyze your own emotions and understand how those emotions influence your behavior. You will see that they are often irrational. For example, if you find yourself physically attracted to someone you typically would never been turned on by, you are probably being triggered.

 

While you are observing yourself, you must observe the person you are dealing with. If you feel very strong emotions or reactions, pay attention to what he is doing to trigger you. Is he subtly rejecting you? Is he playing hot and cold? Is he ignoring you? Is he offending you or making you feel self-conscious? Are feeling unusually inadequate around this person? If it seems that your emotions are too strong, or if you are acting out of character, chances are that the guy is trying his best to incite a reaction out of you.

 

The most desperate humans on earth subsist on other people’s energy. And this is exactly what happens when two people meet and one has triggered the other into a cat and mouse game. He has no skills, no emotional intelligence, nor any intent in connecting on a human level, instead he measures his own value as a man by what kind of reaction he can get out of her. If he can trigger a few women in a night into handing over their phone number, he feels like a real man, and if he cannot, he concludes that there is something wrong with the women.

 

One of the best skills I learned in life is how to observe objectively without confusing my emotions with a genuine connection. Just because a man can trigger an emotion, it does not mean that it is a healthy one. In the past I could get triggered into being attracted to a guy I was not attracted to at all before we spoke. He says something and hmmm, suddenly I am changing my mind. If I look at my own behavior in those past situations I now recognize that there was no genuine attraction, that I was simply being triggered by an emotion I hadn’t resolved since childhood and the person could turn me on and turn me off like a remote control. Looking back at those men I see them now as a complete waste of any woman’s time. They all lack the IQ and the emotional intelligence to be of value to humanity. But, I don’t see myself as a victim of anybody. I was old enough to have known better.

 

If you are a grown-ass woman, and you still fall for every trick in the book, stop blaming men. Instead, do something which is likely to make you feel very uncomfortable. Look at him as your own emotional equal. It is very easy for us to blame the other. But, to understand how manipulation happens, we have to understand ourselves. You have to write your own operations manual and understand how your own emotional mind and body operate, before you can reprogram yourself.

 

This person IS for now your emotional equal. I don’t care how smart you are, how educated you are, nor how successful you are. The fact is that this mental midget was able to incite a response from you, and you fell for it like Pavlov’s dog. Admit it. It hurts.

His intelligence might seem laughable to you, but if you are falling for his emotional triggers, you are playing on his level. So, the question is, why is a grown-ass woman still playing mind games? It is amazing to me how highly educated women in their 30’s, 50’s, even 60’s are trying to decode texting mind games. If the game feels mind-numbing it is because he is numbing your mind. Do you need a relationship manual to understand how your mind is being played? Yet, most grown-ass women with highly impressive degrees will try to rationalize his two-syllable texts. Why? It is plain to see that you are communicating with a dolt, and you are looking for ways to make yourself comprehensible to a Neanderthal. If a grown-ass man has reached adulthood and the only way he knows how to get what he wants is by mystifying your text screen, then pulling a disappearing act, are you looking at a man who is your equal? Be honest. If you are participating in this idiocy, you must be just as emotionally inept as he is. But, admit it, you do own a copy of the Text Messaging Survival Guide under your bed.

 

These emotional mind games are food for the emotionally inept. Don’t blame this on social media, social trends, the disconnectedness of our society. That’s not fair. The world is changing, and you cannot afford to bark at the moon.

 

There are plenty of highly intelligent people in this world who truly are capable of connecting on a deep level. Many of us simply do not want to. I see that the vast majority of people I know are a waste of my time, and I now pay attention only to what I want. That’s a story for another post. But, real men do exist, and you will never meet them paying attention to men who subsist on mind games, trickery, NLP, and emotional vampirism.

 

It is in your own interest to learn how to screen them out. The best way to do that is to observe. Observe what emotions he is able to trigger within you, how those reactions cause you to act. Observe if his highest level of communication is via text, and whether he is able to form full sentences or if he gets a kick out of leaving you hanging. This is really all you need to know. Don’t try to rationalize his behavior, don’t make excuses for it, do not try to adjust your expectations to his puzzling behavior, and do not psychoanalyze him. Everything you need to know about this person is on full display right now.

 

But most of all, observe on what level is this man relating to you? Is he relating on a superficial level? Did he get your number before you established any connection at all? Be smart. Why would you give someone your number if you were not satisfied with the initial interaction? Were you triggered into believing that there will be better conversations and more magic later? There won’t. You are likely to get a lot of glitter and dust when he comes back for more.

 

My point is that emotions are nothing to get excited about. Just because someone can trigger emotions and feelings from you, does not mean that the attraction is real. It means that like Pavlov’s dog you are hungry.

 

Don’t be fooled into thinking that your emotions are enough reason to get involved with someone. Emotions can easily be triggered. I have a degree in how to push people’s emotions, thousands of books have been written on the subject. These are very low-level connections that a Goddess doesn’t have time for. We all agree that these connections are a complete waste of time. No woman who has invested in herself, her career, her security and her development wants to connect to a Neanderthal, yet many who have no clue how their own emotions operate are easily fooled into following their feelings.

 

Use your feelings as a barometer, not as an excuse to chase people. My feelings are simply indicators of what kind of pressure the other person is applying. In any given moment, I am aware of what emotion is being triggered inside me, and I do not react. I simply observe that one douche is trying to manipulate me, the other is trying out the latest trick in the book, and the most desperate of all is simply looking for face time. They all just want a number, who says you have to give it to them?

 

When you spend quality time observing men, you can easily spot the ones with low emotional intelligence.  They play to win, they seek validation, they take up time, they collect phone numbers like they collect scratch-off lottery tickets, and the ones who boast are usually starving.

 

But, always pay close attention to your own emotions first, and when you find yourself being irrationally attracted to someone who is driving you crazy, know that you are being played. Has someone triggered you into chasing them?

 

 

S

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Confusing Emotions With Love

Just because a man wants your heart, doesn’t mean that he wants to give you his. Women assume that if he is pushing and pulling her emotional buttons that he must be asking for love. Why else would she feel this way? If you have a child, ask yourself why is a child pushing your emotional buttons? Why is he or she making me so emotional? The kid wants something. We all want something, and when it is out of reach, we appeal to a person’s sense of emotion. Marketers know this very well, that is why every expensive purchase must stir you from the inside. But just because a man is making your head spin, your heart flutter, and is asking for your heart, does not mean that he is intending to give you his. Asking for a woman’s heart is a big deal for a woman, and many women confuse his asking for a sincerity and good intention.

 

The best way to get a woman on the hook is to ask for her heart, The best way to string someone along is to make them believe in the possibility of a deep bond. Haven’t you noticed how when you are hooked on someone, there’s a lot of hope but very little delivery?  The best flirts know how to stir the emotions, and talking about a woman’s favorite subject like commitment, forever, and bonding is enough to get women hooked, long before a relationship has been discussed.

 

Quality men who are serious about relationships don’t mess with women’s emotions. Sure, every relationship will stir your emotions eventually, but these men don’t want to be played with, so they don’t play women. The also rarely or never date more than one woman at a time. They invest time, just like you would. They build relationships slowly and from the ground up, lay solid foundations by asking healthy questions, they will show you that they are filtering for quality women.

 

Many women aren’t turned on by quality men because they are not exciting, but quality men are not trying to excite you at all. They are trying to know you. You might notice that quality men are often present, and that’s not always exciting to women who are used to chasing bait. Let’s face it, many of us are addicted to the chase. Men might let us eventually catch them, but what we have caught is always empty of genuine emotion.

 

One of the first signs of an empty vessel is a man who is messing with your emotions, your self-perception, your center. He is poking and prodding to see what makes you tick. He might say you are beautiful, but just a little too round for him. He might say he likes your confidence, but tone it down with your anger issues. A master manipulator wants your emotions up front. He will either have you gushing with excitement or seething in a silent rage of self-hate long before a relationship has been established. Your emotions are bursting out of you like a volcano, long before you have any concrete evidence that he is a real man.

 

When you find yourself on an emotional roller-coaster long before any friendship or relationship has been established, you are dealing with a master manipulator. Your head is spinning, your heart is pounding over a stranger you don’t even know. When he has given you no proof of who he is, not declared truthfully what he wants, nor established himself as an honest, healthy human being, and you find yourself emotionally imbalanced because of him, you are being played. Still want to play?

 

A lot of women confuse this rush of emotional excitement for a bond. An honest, quality man who works to establish a connection is never as exciting as this. He isn’t triggering any emotions up front, so women ignore him, he just isn’t sexy. A lot of women, don’t know what a good man is.

 

Think of the time you met a quality woman, and that other time you met a crazy-woman.  The quality friendship was a slow and steady growth, there was no emotional drama, blackmail, manipulation up front. The person respected you as a human, asked important question to establish your validity, and then started giving you more time accordingly. That long and steady friendship is based on mutual respect. That’s not sexy, I know.

 

But, we all have met that emotional drama queen who over-shared her crazy life, spilled all her feelings about every ex she ever dated, dished on all her friends, and then told you whatever you wanted to hear just to hang out with you. Men are the same way. The ones who haven’t much to offer will always stir your emotions long before there is anything concrete to be emotional about.

 

And yes, a lot of women are simply addicted to the chase, or to whoever is running away. At a certain point in our lives we have to stop blaming “bad men” for being bad, and admit to ourselves that we are the addict. We are all junkies looking to score emotion out of the other. The men are too. We are starving for that emotional high all humans get from having their hearts simmered over a slow burn, then scorched into dust. And some never learn, we chase that emotional high, over and over again.

 

One of the things I learned looking at my dating history, is that all the unhealthiest people I dated were experts at pulling emotional heart strings. And they all did it long before any relationship began. They were able to do it on the first meeting.

 

The quality men I dated didn’t try to do that. They were careful with my heart as they wanted me to be considerate of their own. I admit, that rarely turned me on. Often I was just looking to get high, but the man was trying to build something solid. So I’d yawn and move onto someone else more exciting.

 

We have all been in relationships with a narc, and we all know how exciting that is. It’s as thrilling as a roller coaster ride, or a sky dive. Dangerous, reckless, but so exhilarating. I remember how many decades I believed that a true emotional bond had to feel like a thrill, or it couldn’t be love.

 

People who actually have a heart, won’t play with yours. People who are capable of feeling deeply, will not try to bond too quickly, instead they will take time to build trust. People who actually have a soul, will not mess with you on a soul level, they will give you plenty of time and space to reveal yours. People who are empty will try to incite emotions from you right away. Emotions are like food, they feed an empty vessel.

 

At a certain point in our lives we get tired of playing with the empties. It’s just a game of who can drain the other of emotions sooner without sharing a drop of their own.

 

I think most of us learn how to spot the difference between a real human and a zombie once we are totally drained. Until we are laying lifeless with barely a drop of blood to sustain us, most of us are still dreaming of that emotional roller coaster. But when we have nothing left to give, when we are ready to completely check out, we find that there are real people out there who are like us. They too are tired, they too have given all they can, and their hearts are barely beating. That’s when we learn to respect people’s hearts.

 

A quality person will never play with your emotions or mess with your heart. They are keeping a safe distance and they approach relationships by building a solid foundation of respect, trust and dignity. They know that all those things must be earned, so they demonstrate their sincerity, show proof, they deliver. Yes, that is very boring when you are just a junkie looking to score.

 

When I first came to this realization, and the prospect of only dating boring men, I was totally turned off. I no longer wanted to date anyone at all. What’s the point if it isn’t exciting? What’s the point if I’m not getting high? I gave up dating all together, until I stumbled onto a decent human being who seemed unexciting, he just happened to be very good eye-candy. The superficial me went for his looks, prepared to waste a little time with a man easy on the eyes.

 

What I learned by dating someone who did not mess with my emotions is that it is possible to be in a relationship with a solid human, who is perfectly capable of having a good time without me feeling drained.  Real men and women do exist, but we walk past them because they usually aren’t making us feel anything. They don’t trigger anything within us, so we assume they are not the one. We feel nothing upon meeting them, they don’t stir anything within us, so we walk away.

 

They also won’t give us their emotions up-front. They understand that a two-way connection must be established and both people have to see something real in each other for genuine emotions to come out.  Healthy people expect us to earn their trust and respect. They filter, they screen, they have boundaries. That takes time to establish. Healthy relationships don’t feel like a free fall.

 

I admit I still get excited when someone has stirred some emotions up front. But now I actually study men. I often find that the ones who have no substance will resent being questioned, studied, and filtered. They want emotions and emotional reactions from me so that they can feel valid. When it comes time to prove themselves, they are nowhere to be found, so I am grateful that my radar is finally working. I can usually spot them right away.

 

Don’t get so turned on by emotions. They exist to protect you. If you are feeling something too much, too soon, before any trust or respect has been established, you are being played. Lot’s of people know how to stir emotion, very few know how to love.

 

S

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Integrity, The Goddess Pedestal

in·teg·ri·ty –/inˈteɡrədē/

  1.    the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.

2.   the state of being whole and undivided.

3.   being true to oneself.

A woman of no integrity has no principle to live by. She is a mere mortal.

Integrity is the #1 factor separating mortals from Goddesses. We all talk about having strong values, but we all identify with being mistreated by others. It is exactly in those times of mistreatment that some of us fail to have integrity, and either teach the offender that it is okay to cross our boundary because we’d rather have him or the relationship, or we begin to negotiate our integrity away for the chance to maintain peace. Is peace in a relationship more important than your integrity? It shouldn’t be. A Goddesses dignity always comes first.

Believe it or not, this is the toughest thing I deal with when training Goddesses, because many will throw integrity right out the window as soon as a man starts pushing their buttons. “It’s okay, he really didn’t mean to upset me”, “It’s okay, he lied to protect my feelings”, “He didn’t mean that, he was in front of his friends and it’s just male bravado”. I am always dismayed when I see how quickly women throw their values and their self-respect out the window as soon as it is time to protect the connection.

I am not the only one who finds this problematic. Did you know that men often complain about this, and will test your integrity constantly to determine whether you are worthy of respect. I don’t blame men at all. Integrity is my number one qualification for a friend or a lover, and I have always invested more in people who show me their standards, those who keep their word, those who pull through in the most difficult situations. The older I get, the faster I move away from flakes. No man is looking for a flake to make her his Mrs. Right. The kind of men who prefer flakes are the men who have no respect for women, and would like them easy, pliable, and malleable. Yes, those relationships work because they are relationships between two equals. A flaky woman will always end up with a spineless douche bag.

When men write to me, they never ask where they can meet beautiful, sexy, gorgeous, feminine women. That is because they are a dime a dozen. Look around you, most women are 10 times better looking and in better physical shape than their male counterparts. It is so easy for an unattractive man to date a gorgeous woman. What is not easy is to find is a Goddess, a woman who respects herself so much, that she could easily drop a man to maintain her dignity. Where is she? Do you know one?

Looks are fine, but looks fon’t get you far in terms of respect. There will always be someone who is more beautiful than you, and the harder you compete on looks, the more respect you loose from men and other women. They see how hard you are trying and you validate them immediately. Brains and degrees are also easy to buy. I don’t know a single woman who does not have an impressive degree. Paper. If you want to be more than just paper, you need to possess that one quality that will ensure you command respect for the rest of your life. INTEGRITY.

Times are changing, and women are no longer chasing husbands. Most of my female friends don’t take men seriously at all. But in the workplace, in your social circle, in your community and romantic relationships your integrity is the one thing that will set you apart. How easily do you walk away? How hard is it for you to say No? Do you struggle with being unapologetic? Can you look them in the eye and mean every word you say? Do you flinch? Are you unshakeable?

Above all things a Goddess must know herself, and know exactly what she stands for. If you collect your feelings and opinions from the most popular media, then change those opinions every time the wind blows, you do not have much integrity at all. Example, I had a friend whose belief systems would change every time she met a new man.  When she was in college, being politically correct was the most enlightened thing one could be, so she spent her 4 years judging everyone for not being PC enough. She then met a guy who ridiculed the PC movement, so she quickly discarded her standards, and started to identify with his views. In college she was ultra liberal, but when she met a potential husband, she traded her politics for a 3 carat diamond ring. Over night she became a Republican. He also asked her to change her religion, and she did so on command. When I asked her why she did that, she said that it is very important to meet your partner half-way, otherwise how could they have a healthy relationship? In one week she changed her entire belief system for a man.

This case may sound ridiculous, obviously she has no backbone. But, this is what a lot of women do in order to get along. In the work environment it is still more important for women to get along, than stand up for what they truly believe.  The Goddess is always the one who knows what her opinion is, knows exactly why she believes it, is armed with verifiable facts, and is not afraid to speak her mind, nor rock the boat when her opinion must be heard. How will people respect your authority if they see how easily you bend with the wind? You have no authority at all if you are perceived as pliable. If you want people to treat you with respect, you first have to prove that you are worthy, that your word is golden, that you can be trusted, that you don’t flake out.

The Goddess is unshakable. Why I admire Goddesses so much? I know very few people I can actually lean on in tough times, very few people I can trust with my own life, very few I know who will not bend or flake out. If you want to stand on a pedestal, your pedestal must be harder than a mountain, otherwise anyone could shake you off. If you find that people are easily crossing your boundaries, dismissing your opinions, or negotiating your feelings, you need to strengthen your integrity. I think of myself as a solid person. What I look for in all relationships (business, friendship, or romantic) is integrity. The only people I respect are the ones who have earned my respect, and once they prove that I will fight like a lion for them. But no flake is worth the fight.

Often women are too concerned about how they are perceived. I understand. The workplace is tough because we work with a lot of different personalities with changing expectations and we have to balance all of them. What’s harder is that women cannot afford to be seen as too cold, selfish, nor power-grabbing, but if they do not stand their ground they often get pushed aside. We have to be nice in order to be a team-player, and it is always the nice girl who is the first to sweep aside her own needs or opinions for the sake of others. Having been at the opposite ends of the spectrum, I can honestly tell you that the nice girl never wins. She doesn’t win at relationships, she gets no respect at the office, and she certainly doesn’t get to stand on a pedestal.

I’ll be honest. I am very nice. If you ask my closest friends, I am the type of person who’d give you the shirt off her back, her last dime, and all the advice and shoulder-crying time a good friend needs. For friends who have been fully vetted, I am that one person they can always count on. My word is always golden, I always show up, I won’t let people I value down.

But I used to be too nice, and easily get taken advantage of until I realized that my integrity is more important to me than anything else I own. I realized from many collapsed relationships that it isn’t worth it to protect the integrity of others at my own expense. I learned to judge people’s value systems, before I offered them my friendship or respect.

You absolutely must become discerning about who people are and what their value systems look like. You simply cannot afford to respect everyone. If you do, you will compromise your own self-respect. The people who I respect are the ones who value me for being unshakable. They don’t ridicule my resolve, they don’t demand I negotiate how I feel so they could feel better, they respect my boundaries, and my reprimands when those boundaries are tested. People who value respect and those who respect themselves have integrity and will value you for being their equal.

Be careful who you associate with and who your friends are. The flakiest people in the world will call on your integrity when needed, but will disappear the moment you challenge theirs. Their friendship or loyalty is worthless. Cultivate a quality circle of friends, business associates, and lovers, and be happy with fewer people in your life. Quality is better that quantity, and personal integrity is key to living life on your own terms and being a Goddess.

You must be unshakable. I too test people’s integrity because I have no time to waste on people with no spine. They are a dime a dozen, and their loyalty is for sale. They shift the minute someone offers them more. Over the years I have narrowed my circle of friends. I still know everyone in town, but no longer pay attention nor swear loyalty to big egos with no substance. I can now afford to give quality time to people who have no problem proving themselves or earning my respect.

As you already know, no one will respect you until they see how much you respect yourself. I wouldn’t either. I meet a lot of “big men” who are full of hot air. A ton of men out there have no respect for themselves either. They are easy to spot, because their words are just words. Challenge their self-perception, and most will become indignant or enraged when you ask for proof of life and substance.

Integrity is the pedestal on which the Goddess is worshiped. If you have no integrity, you have no respect, you have no subjects, and you have no foundation. Don’t you dare call yourself a Goddess until you have earned that respect from others. The day other’s bow down to you of their own free will, they day they fight for your friendship, for your time, for your approval and express gratitude for it is the day you have earned the title.

S

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The Man of The Season

My taste in men is always changing. I used to think I was fickle and that I don’t know what I want. But that’s not true. I am constantly learning about myself, and constantly growing. The men who used to amuse me in my 30’s were only slightly more evolved  from the men of my 20’s. In those years, life pampered and coddled me, I really had no reason to ask for better experiences, nor to know that there are more evolved men out there.

Then life threw me a few curveballs, major disasters and I crashed. I had no choice but to grow. Each year as I was experiencing growth, my taste in men changed too. The last 10 years have been an unbelievable process of self-reflection, self-development, inner work and awakening. This is when I experienced the widest variety of men. It’s not that I didn’t know what I want, it’s that each new and improved version of me was looking for a new equal.

There is nothing wrong with experiencing a lot, changing tastes, and learning from what different kinds of people bring to your table. There is something wrong with being married to the past version of you, and being over-focused on maintaining the old when a new version of you already exists. In my 40’s I have earned a much, much better man than I could have had in my 20s. Should I feel guilty because I couldn’t stay married to my ex past the 12 year mark? Should I feel guilty for having sampled all the chocolate in my candy sampler? Should I let people tell me I am too fickle for not staying committed to just one man? Nope. I am 46, and who would I be today if I felt guilty for exploring, growing, experiencing all kinds of men?

I often get criticized for moving on too soon, but today I know myself better than ever. In fact, I know myself so well that I know how well I am treating myself by the men I am choosing to entertain me. Some people are just not good enough for my company. At 46, I feel entitled to say that and not apologize for it.

That doesn’t make me superficial, it means that I am discerning. Do I owe every man who is applying for my time an opportunity with me? Nope. The 20 year old me, smiled at all men out of kindness and gave every opportunist her time. The 30 year old, knew a few things about personal integrity, enforcing her boundaries, and saying exactly what she means. The 40 year old version is already a force to be reckoned with. I already know with utmost confidence that not every man is my equal. Very few qualify for a few minutes of my time. I walk away from boredom, lack of intellectual stimulation, emotional underdevelopment, narcissism and egotism with ease.  It took decades of my life to develop that kind of discernment about men through nothing but personal experience. Should I apologize for having a clear idea of what doesn’t serve me?

The reason for this post is that women are still apologizing for exploring all their choices. Not being able to stick to one relationship is labeled as lack of commitment. What makes commitment to mediocrity such an honorable feat? The media bombards us with horror stories about dating too freely, experiencing too much for our own good, being “spoiled and soiled” by bad men and unfortunate circumstances, when in fact true wisdom can only be earned from experiencing failure and much, much, much experience. Never be afraid of experience. Good or bad, and no matter how ugly, experience is the best teacher, and we simply can’t grow ourselves when we coddle our feelings and protect ourselves from life’s ups and downs.

Women whose experience is limited by propriety, religion, social boundaries and self-protection have a very limited view of themselves and their relation to men. With such limited exposure to the realities of physical and emotional relationships, their only experience in suffering is from a deep wantingness or neediness to attach herself to anyone who can coddle her into a feeling of emotional security. That need is childish and immature and will always land her into a relationship with a pseudo-parent who will lead her through life while she keeps her emotional blinders on. Is that a healthy adult?

We learn from suffering of all types. We learn from every crash, from every disaster, from every single breakup. The lesson is never about our partner. If you think that the lesson is about how rotten people are, and how you need to choose better men, you have missed the point of the lesson. The lesson will repeat itself for years, until you learn that the lesson is not about other people, it is totally about you. The lesson is about your self-respect, the strength and weakness of your personal boundaries, and where you stand in relation to the inner you, the Goddess. Your psychological health is always mirrored by the person you are faced with, and your personal strength and integrity are always measured by how often you choose you. How loyal are you to yourself when life presents you with the most painful relationships? That is the test of true character and awakening- how easily do you choose You?

Still have a hard time choosing yourself over the other person or the relationship? You have a lot to experience as a mortal before you can call yourself a Goddess. The good news is that there is no such thing as too much experience. And there is nothing wrong with trying on different men until you find one who suits you. Don’t be so married to the idea of commitment. The more you grow, the more you’ll find that men cannot suit you longer than a season. At times in your life you will slow down, you will stop to smell the roses, and you will enjoy men for longer periods of time. But you will never stop growing. As long as you don’t lower your standards and stop growing just to stay attached to one person or one experience, you will maintain long term relationships with quality people who have taken as much self-care and as much responsibility for their growth as you.

My 40’s have been all about quality. What I like about this point in my life is my confidence in being able to say that very few people qualify for my attention. That’s not because there is a shortage of good men, in fact, quality men are everywhere. I am more choosy because I enjoy my own time, my own space and my own company more than ever.  Today, less is more. I no longer need to marathon date to continuously meet people, I spend much more time filtering people out. I have fewer friends of greater quality, and fewer romantic relationships with greater men. My relationship with myself is always far more important than any relationship a man can produce. I feel very content in my life.

I am curious what I will be like in my 50’s. I am not narcissistic enough to declare that I have learned all there is, nor that I am the ultimate authority on enlightenment. For sure, I will keep growing, and I will keep pausing to enjoy the men along my path. But, I have no way of predicting who I will bump into, nor how long we will enjoy each other. I am okay with not knowing everything.

The ultimate Goddess I met was in her 70’s. She was a good friend who gave me a solid primer on how to sample all the chocolate in my box, and inspired me to live life to the fullest. She was the fist woman I met who juggled multiple men, relished every moment, and taught me to never apologize for being experienced. She ultimately did meet Joey, her one true love. They are now in a long-term care facility together. But she admits that she couldn’t have met her equal, the man who is just as enlightened and full of life as she is, had she not sampled the best men that life has to offer.

So ladies, if you find that your taste in men is continuously changing, do not apologize. Know that you are always growing, and that the men must be quicker and wiser to keep up with your evolution. There is nothing wrong with having a fresh new man for each season. You don’t feel guilty acquiring shoes for each new season, so why feel guilty experiencing better and better men? Have you noticed that as you grow, the new men are always a better match to who you are than the men of previous seasons?  Don’t be reluctant to grow yourself. When you meet a man who is as awake and as enlightened as you are, there will be no doubt, you will recognize each other in an instant. In fact, the recognition will be so glaring, you’ll both be blinded by each other’s glow.  That moment when you recognize yourself in the other person is the moment you have truly found your equal.

You don’t stop for every mortal. A true Goddess can only be with a God. Until then, keep moving. Life will continue to give you better, and better, and better as long as you know that you are worth it.

S

 

 

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How Satisfying Is He?

Are you satisfied with his performance? What an odd question, but it is something most women can’t answer. They don’t evaluate relationships based on their own personal satisfaction, instead they evaluate them based on what he says, what he wants, and whether it is moving forward. But how silly it is to be moving forward when you don’t know if you are satisfied?  Most women get into “something” not called a relationship, and because they are eager to move forward, completely forget to evaluate his performance as her man.  They are just grateful that the relationship is moving forward, so they don’t want to rock the boat and evaluate what kind of a human he is, how much of what he claims about himself is true, whether his words match his actions, an most importantly, how well does he keep me satisfied?

 

Instead of asking a man how he feels about you, I think it is more important to determine for yourself what his actions and behavior add up to, and decide for yourself whether that is enough. We are often looking towards others to tell us how they feel, and then we take their word for it. We often get hung up on their words, and forget that their behavior towards us is much more important. After all, what value is a guy who says he is really into you, if he is also into someone else? What really matters much more than words is his performance. Yep, without telling him that you are evaluating him, evaluate his performance as if he is applying for position of your boyfriend. Don’t tell him what to do, don’t ask him to behave a certain way, that would be like the interviewer giving away all the correct answers to the applicant- just observe whether his performance makes him the kind of man you have in mind.

 

The only opinion that matters about how the relationship is going is your own. Are you satisfied? I know this sounds unfair, but very often we get into relationships with people who say one thing, then act completely differently. Often people describe themselves one way, and want you to believe them, and when their actions don’t match their words, they accuse you of misunderstanding, having unreasonable expectations, or that you should believe in the person they think they are, rather than the person you see for yourself.

 

Women have a tendency to believe others more than they believe their own judgment, and feel very guilty when their rational estimation of a man differs from what he claims to be. Trust yourself. Words are useless. Ask me who I am, and I will mouth off the best description of myself I can think of. But meet me in person, and you’ll notice I am quite ordinary. Ask my best friend, and you will get one truth, ask a friend who I broke up with a few months ago, and you will hear I am a monster. We all believe we are far greater, much more honorable, and much more conscious and self-developed than our neighbor. So, never take a man’s word that he’s good. Decide for yourself.

 

But, the reality is, our relationships will only work if we are truly satisfied with the relationship. So, what difference does it make if he tells you, Some day I’d like to have a family. Is he trying to build a family with you now? No? Then he is not your man. What difference does it make when he says I love ambitious, hard-working women like you. Is he still dating other ambitious, hard-working women other than you? What difference does it make if he says I really like you, I hope you feel the same, if he only replies to texts once a week? Regardless of what his reasoning is (he could be working 24 hrs a day), all that matters is how does he please you? Are you happy with his performance as a boyfriend, or are you still negotiating to have more time with him? If you are begging for more time, you are not satisfied.

 

All too often women are negotiating with men who are not on the same page with them. He said he loves you, but you only Netflix and chill. It does not matter if his mother said that she would like you as her daughter-in-law, what matters is IS THE GODDESS SATISFIED? Is the Goddess happy? Does the Goddess want more than what he is offering? If you think that this sounds selfish, ask yourself how men evaluate relationships. Would men get flattered by a woman’s words, or do they have expectations she must meet? How long would a man put up with being just an option? Do men negotiate for or beg for more time with women? Rarely. They know what they want, and if they aren’t getting it, they keep looking. Men keep dating until they are fully satisfied. Actions speak louder than words, so always observe the actions, and observe your own feelings and satisfaction levels. Words make a frog sound like a prince, but his performance is the only thing that can make him real. You are not in a relationship until you are fully satisfied, and no man is a real man unless he is real to you.

 

I recently started dating someone unimpressive, which makes it easier to be detached and observant. He seems fairly decent, but he is doing a lot of talking. You’d be amazed what you learn about people if you simply let them talk. I see that he is talking a lot about himself, and that he keeps repeating things that he thinks will impress me. Okay, we all boast about things that are important to us. But he is repeating words like penthouse, speedboat, fund-manager, and Bugatti, and while I keep changing the subject, he keeps dropping those words over and over again. Conclusion: He is too insecure and too superficial for me. And this conclusion is very important because most women would still continue dating the guy even if they observe his conceit.

 

Most women accept whatever he says, thinking that he is a nice guy, trying really hard, treating them really nice, and best of all, he is pushing the relationship forward. But why would you want to go forward with someone who can’t acknowledge anything but his own possessions? Eventually, far into the relationship they will realize that he is not very honest, nor impressive as he made himself out to be, but whatever, for some it is better to be in a relationship. And this is how a lot of people get into situations they had no intention of being in. They went along with whatever was presented without evaluating how they truly feel with this person.

 

Since I wasn’t seeing anyone more interesting, I decided to keep observing to see what kind of a situationship he is going to build. I observed that he is pushing this situation forward even without my participation. I told him honestly that I am not that into him. I am a big believer in telling people the truth, because the truth is that one thing that we are all owed in relationships. Despite that, he kept planning dates, sending flowers and actually using the phone. I was starting to get uncomfortable because he seemed to be ignoring that I am not that interested, that I was asking for less time, less flowers, not such elaborate dinners. My actions always reflect the level of my interest. I would never lead someone into believing that I am really into them when I am not, nor would I go with the flow, when I want things to slow down. We all have a responsibility to act honestly and not take advantage of people. So, I was asking for more time and distance and he was ignoring my requests. Here is a person who hasn’t heard one word I said the entire month. A very important observation. My lack of interest wasn’t even acknowledged. To most women this should be a huge red flag, but many would be flattered by his eagerness. He then offered to take me away for a long weekend, and I declined. I explained that I was uncomfortable with him planning a getaway when I told him several times that I am not feeling this relationship, and he was flabbergasted. He was astonished, offended, blown away that I am not into him. I won’t go into details, but quite often we women get into situations with people simply because a relationship is offered, giving little thought to our evaluation of this human being.

 

But who this person is on the inside, and what kind of a relationship he is capable of creating is the most important factor you absolutely must evaluate. And the only way to get people to show their true colors is to let them be who they truly are. That means not spelling out how you expect them to act, what you want them to do for you, and what rewards they will get for good behavior. Anyone who wants you for even fifteen minutes will deliver exactly what you asked for to get a little action. And when they deliver what you asked for, thy will demand a reward. A dog will do that too.

 

Most women I know are after a quality, deeply satisfying bond with a true person. Yet their dating strategy does not allow them to determine whether he is all that. Before you start pushing the relationship forward, before you even use the word relationship, you must know who this person is on the inside and what his definition of a good relationship is. His definition could be great sex, yours could be an intimate pillow talk. That’s not a great match, so why go along with it?

 

It is amazing to me how many women cannot answer the question Are you truly satisfied? Most of the time, it takes some prodding on my behalf to get them to admit that they are actually satisfied with nothing at all. This person they are in a situationship with is just some willing participant who does not possess the qualities they want, is only halfway a decent human being, is only truthful some of the time, has a very flexible spine, but he means well and he has feelings. Come on, we all know what a waste of time it is to be in a situation with an amoeba. The delusion that he could some day turn into a  lion is all yours.

 

Spend more time observing and evaluating your own feelings, your own level of happiness and satisfaction in your daily interactions with this person, and be very honest with yourself. You should be much more concerned with whether you are satisfied than whether he is. You should be much more cognizant of who this person is morally, politically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually than you usually are. You should be impressed by the real person, not by his fictitious estimation of himself. And you absolutely should be turned on, not just meh and going through the motions with him because he wants a relationship.

 

So sit back and relax. There’s nothing for you to do. Watch him create the kind of relationship he is capable of, and accept that this is the best relationship he has to offer. Yes, you should participate in the relationship, meet him half-way, pay for some dates, and go with the flow. But, always stay in observation mode. Rather than make demands, or manage him like a project, adopt a hands-off policy. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be asked for, no behavior to be corrected. Your only job is to evaluate: How am I feeling with him now? How does the relationship with him feel? Am I satisfied or is something missing? Do I feel like I am in a healthy relationship? Any decent human who truly wants to be in a fully functioning relationship will make it so. Any human who doesn’t know what he wants will act like a flake.  Any human being who is still playing the field will be inattentive, aloof, missing for some periods of time. All you have to do is observe what kind of relationship is he creating for us right now? Is he creating a friendship with benefits? Is that for you?

 

Never try to negotiate with someone who wants something you don’t. You are wasting your time. No one has ever argued anyone successfully into love. No one fell in love because they lost an argument. If he wants something casual, acknowledge it, don’t twist it into something it is not, and if a causal relationship, or a friendship with benefits isn’t for you, don’t waste your time here.

 

I learned a long time ago that a vast majority of people who cross my path aren’t worth slowing down for. Some of them are very lovely people, but they are not going my way. When I meet someone who meets my personal requirements, I am actually attracted to, and who is 100% available to me, I gladly slow down and get to know him.  The 100%ers, the men who know what they want, are actually doing the work, and totally serious, are the only ones worth slowing down for. But you will never know if he is worth your time, unless you are true to yourself and determine AM I SATISFIED?

 

S

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