Keep a Distance from Divorced Men

Divorced? I am. Divorce is one of the biggest and most valuable lessons in life. It is that slap in the face we all need, to help us re-evaluate our entire belief system, reset our expectations of love and other people, question the institution of marriage vs. purer forms of love, but most of all, divorce will help a woman get in touch with who she is as a person on a deeper level, and if she is patient enough before rushing into a new relationship, she learns how far she needs to grow, adjust and evolve to become complete all by herself. I am a big believer in divorce, not because I have anything against marriage, but because I see how divorce helps women grow from girls, to women, to total goddesses.

 

In fact, divorce is that big turning point in life, where many women finally see what belief systems the fell for, how those ideas didn’t serve them, then rise into self-made, confident, learned, experienced Goddesses, remade into their highest image. Most of the women in our private group became exceptional women only after they crawled out of marriages, learned to mend their own wounds, accepted total responsibility, but also were willing to explore multiple relationships and different kinds of men, before it dawned on them they are entitled to pick and choose.

 

Everyone should get a divorce at least once in their life. Those of us who are slow learners, could use the lesson two or three times at least. The reason I am so pro divorce is because I personally found it to be a life altering experience for the better. It had nothing to do with liberating myself from a bad relationship, instead, it had everything to do with getting in touch with the real me, embarking on a self-discovery roller coaster, crashing and burning countless times, but also a series of unforgettable men, each of whom was a wonderful teacher. And without a teacher, what have we learned?

 

Divorce has a temporary negative effect on us all. We exit marriages wounded, bitter, broken into a thousand little pieces, and we all exit looking for someone to heal us. In fact, the first thing every divorcee needs is medicine. It is a basic human need to feel okay, and who else could fix us better, but the next man or woman? That first person we lean on right after a separation is in for a crash, they are getting into a fling with a person beyond repair, someone so incapable of a healthy connection they are better off left on the side to fix themselves.

 

I was there once, and I know what it is like to begin the process of healing from divorce. Luckily, I was open to learning and let each man go quickly, because I understood that healing was going to be a long process and I had years ahead of myself to learn. But most people are looking for another person to rescue them. If you are considering dating a freshly divorced person, please step away. At best, you will be their crutch until their leg heals, and once they are better, they will want to walk by themselves, and then run to test the limits of their newly healed body.

 

I recently ended it with a divorced guy. The relationship didn’t go far, in fact I should have listened to my first instinct about him, and walked away after the first date. But, I went against my own judgment and gave the guy a chance, which is something I never do. At the very least, this experience taught me that my first instinct is correct, and I got a refresher course in why I will never be medicine to a broken man.

 

So, he was gorgeous, highly intelligent, open, exciting, and had a beautifully irresistible mind. But he also had a kid, which for me is a major turnoff. I love children, but I never wanted one for myself, and always found that relationships with people with children are too complicated for an uncomplicated person like me. I am most compatible with people with little to no baggage. I spent most of my life discarding the unnecessary, solving my own problems, cleaning up my own messes, and learning how to use birth control. Why? My lifelong goal has always been to keep it simple, and keep myself free and unburdened so that I can experience everything! As directionless as I can be sometime, I am always focused on experiencing everything, and with that comes the luxury of saying yes to whatever amazing opportunity that falls into my lap. In all the years I have been divorced, having no children, no exes to drag behind, and no baggage, has enabled me to keep moving through life, sampling all the best candy, learning, growing, and always being in love.

 

The best relationships I have had are with other people who believe in birth control as much as I do. And the best men were always the ones who cleared up their messes before they landed on my doorstep, and didn’t drag all their exes behind them. When they stood before me, they possessed a single carry-on, a clean bill of emotional health, no trace of exes or a litter of children, and a plane ticket.  That is the main reason I date younger men exclusively. Your requirements may be different from mine, but the most important factors in a potential relationship is Did he take the responsibility for himself to fix his own life, or is he bringing all his junk to your doorstep so you can help him?

 

So, this divorced guy was a beautiful face, who will some day turn into an exceptional grown up. I walked away because I knew I won’t be the one to grow him. But here is what he proposed: He wanted a girlfriend, and I looked just the type who could make him feel better. He wants to travel the world but right now divorce is a factor, so I will have to wait for that. The kid won’t be a problem because it has a mother, but he will want to see it on weekends, at which time it would be okay for me to spend time with it. Oh and the wife won’t be a problem, but he will have to see her twice a week, accept multiple phone calls. She will be the one to raise the kid, accept all the responsibility of the household, while he goes out to start a new life. Interesting.

 

I was amused by his perspective on how his life turned into such a messy situation he didn’t plan to be in. Having dated multiple divorced men, I can confidently generalize that they all try to deflect responsibility and blame for their situations for as long as they can get away with it. It wasn’t his fault he married a woman he wasn’t truly in love with, she was the one to twist his arm into a marriage. It wasn’t his fault she had a baby before he was ready, shit happens. It wasn’t his fault they bought a house they now have to make mortgage payments on, she was the one who insisted on buying it. It wasn’t his fault they had to separate, it isn’t fair he never had the opportunity to live, experience life because she made him settle down too soon. Do you see where he’s going with this?

 

Most people are looking for a quick fix after divorce. And most have not yet done the work on themselves to realize that what the life they created IS their fault. That comes only years later after many failed relationships. It takes years for a person to realize that yes, they are responsible for themselves, that the other person didn’t create their unhappiness, that the reason they are in unfortunate situations is ONLY BECAUSE they allowed it, they went along with it, they never said no.

 

In fact, my ex-husband admitted this to me years after our divorce. He literally married the very first woman he went to a date with after our separation. He was looking to feel safe and secure again right away, and didn’t want to face the emotional roller coaster of psychological healing, facing the cruel dating world, or facing himself. He got a quick fix and a situation he feels he didn’t sign up for. He never wanted children either, but she had a kid from a previous marriage so he quickly became a step-dad. Even though he wasn’t comfortable in the role and wanted to travel, explore and enjoy his adulthood, they had another child, and now he is years away from experiencing the life he envisioned. How did that happen? Of course, she did it to him, it wasn’t his fault. He still portrays himself as a victim of circumstance, not as someone who made his own choice.

 

Divorced people need years to learn. Women learn faster, men learn about themselves and their roles in relationships slower, because they cling to this idea of maleness, that makes them victims of unreasonable women, unreasonable responsibilities, and  they continue their pursuit to satisfy their “male needs” rather than fix themselves. Divorced men rarely see themselves as a problem. They are seeking both their freedom, and at the same time a woman who is going to make them feel safe, stable, and like a man. He wants assurance that he is still highly desirable, with none of the acceptance that he is a father of two kids, an ex-wife, a mortgage, child support, and alimony. He sees all these factors as traps or unfortunate circumstances of having an ex, not a conscious decision he made for himself.

 

When I got a divorce, I falsely assumed that all it will take is a better man to fix my life. I falsely believed in the rescuer. I falsely believed that I was a victim of an unscrupulous man. It took years for me to see my own role, my own weaknesses and failings. Countless flings and a few relationships later, I see. I see that it was me all along. I see how I was inadequate to myself and how much I needed to grow before I was qualified for a healthy person.

 

So, I broke it off with the divorced guy, because I saw him as a puppy who was looking for a safe home. He is looking for the security of what a new girlfriend could provide, without having taken care of his shit. He wanted validation that only a single man could get, a stable woman to lean on, someone to share his burden, but also the opportunity to go out there and live his life and get to know himself. No thanks. As many times as he assured me that his ex and children are no longer in the picture and will never be a problem, he also mentioned that he will have the kids (now two) on the weekends and that I would be welcome to get to know them. When I asked if he has a babysitter, he did not think of that. When I asked how would we travel, he did not think of that. When I asked if I will be spending weekends with my friends when he has the kids, he did not like that. When I asked how exactly he would be spending time with the kids, he did not have a plan. He just imagined that when he has a woman in his life, it will all take care of itself. Funny. This guy has a lot to learn.

 

This may be his first divorce, but something tells me it will take a couple for this guy to even begin taking responsibility for his life. Men are taught that they are men simply because they have a penis, and that their male needs can only be satisfied by women. When their male egos are bruised, they can be healed by a fresh, good woman, and when they fail, it is the fault of an unscrupulous woman. Any divorced person still bitching about their ex and children, has not yet done the work. Any divorcee with a shitload of grievances is too unhealthy for a solid relationship. Both men and women who are still reeling from that trauma, are simply looking for someone to help them out with life.

 

By now I know that I am not a therapist, I am not a nurse, I am not a sidekick, and I don’t need a puppy to bring into my home. I am also confident that I have done the work on myself, I am fully healed, I am very experienced, and I have built my life in exactly the image I had in mind. Am I perfect? No. But, I delivered what I promised to myself. I knew at a young age I will never want children, and despite the anger, attacks, and multiple failed relationships, I stayed true to myself. I cleaned up my life from all my exes. Not a single ex has any access to me. I refuse to drag them in a suitcase behind me while I try to have new relationships. I expect the same of the men I date. Is that wrong? Absolutely not.

 

Nine years after my divorce, I am now confident enough, smart enough, experienced enough, self-assured enough to say that I am well qualified to be with a healthy person. What have my lessons in singlehood earned me? An equal. Who is my equal? The one who has done the same work on himself, and kept a tidy ship. Here is what I qualify for:

  1. A single, childless, exless, emotionally available man. 2.  A psychologically and emotionally healthy human being. 3. A pure and open heart. 4. Must be agenda free- this is a person who isn’t looking for a woman to satisfy a need (wife, therapist, trophy, validation as a man), but someone who can actually contribute himself to a relationship. 5. Beautiful mind- someone who thinks independently, outside the box, can validate an argument rather than rely on headlines or soundbites to support his arguent 6. Evolved, young, uncomplicated.

Is this a tall order? I don’t think so. I am that, and I know many people who are too. I also fall short in many aspects of my life, and have a way to go to achieve perfection. I accept that may be never. But this is what I have achieved while taking stock of my life, and the people who haven’t grown, don’t even qualify for my friendship.

 

If you have grown from past experience, if you have done your homework, studied yourself, accepted all your own failures, learned who you are on the inside, earned respect, and are stable on your own two feet than you don’t owe it to anyone do  their work for them. Divorce is an invaluable lesson in life, but only because it forces us to take care of our own shit, and take a look at our own shortcomings.

 

Any person who expects that another will fix him has not graduated yet. Anyone looking for a rescuer, a helper, someone to mend their broken heart, take on their responsibilities, is not emotionally well enough to be in a relationship with a healthy person. I know from personal experience the toll divorce takes on every aspect of a person’s life and that it takes years before we repair ourselves. So, I generalize again, but recently divorced men are simply not healthy enough, nor experienced enough to qualify to be with me.

 

S

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