Why do I do what I do? When we don’t understand our own behavior, it is because we don’t know ourselves. If we have bad habits, obsessions, compulsions, and we allow them to drive us, we are letting them be bigger than we are. Basically, we are saying it is beyond our control, the drive is stronger than we are, it takes over and we have no choice in the matter. Why did I text him a dozen times? Why do I obsess about that man? Why do I refuse to let go? Why do I fall into the mind games? Why am I attracted to men who don’t want me? Believe me, there is a good answer, you are just choosing to ignore it.
It is uncomfortable to look within. We all love to believe in our shine, our power and our light, but looking within forces us to see that not so polished side, the weaknesses, and everything we are lacking. Some of us look anyway, so that we can discover our weaknesses, admit them, then make peace and release. Others cannot bear to look, because those blemishes challenge the ego. The admission that one is weak, dependant, longing, or in desperate need, contradicts this image we have so carefully crafted. What if this veneer of all-knowingness cracks, and they all start to see the real me, the flawed me, the not so peaceful, non-shiny me? Can I stand that?
But a Goddess learns from knowing herself. All those inadequacies must be exposed, brought to light, dealt with and released. A Goddess is not a woman who is absolutely flawless, it is the woman who is deeply flawed, and absolutely at peace with each and every one of her imperfections. Only when we are perfectly comfortable with ourselves and our imperfections, are we able to withstand the pressure, the criticisms, the judgments of others, and be unfazed by them. Perfection is the veneer of a narcissist. Absolute confidence in those imperfections, and owning them is the mark of a Goddess.
People will test your self-perception, and it is their prerogative to do so. We all want to know if the human we are dealing with is who they claim to be. People often test my character, and I have no problem with that. I know who I am, and I’m always sure they’ll break their wrist trying to punch me, and I graciously invite them to give it their best shot. When they blame me because their wrist is broken, I offer sympathy and a bandage.
If we are offended by people who try to test us, it is because we are not that which we claim to be. Recall that old boss who throws a tantrum any time someone challenges his authority? That woman who is offended when asked about her age? That macho male who starts posturing every time he is close to being exposed for having no manhood at all? They are all people who are uncomfortable with their truth.
My advice is to become comfortable with those monsters hiding under your bed. Accept all your flaws, failings, imperfections, because there is no greater power than being perfectly confident in the face of judgment. I am who I am and I love that. I write about my imperfections, failings and share them with anyone who is willing to hear, because that truth people try to use against me, is the source of my power. You will never succeed using it against me. The more anyone rubs them in my face, the more proudly I admit them.
Recently, at a party I openly told a man who was pestering me and who was claiming I am uninterested because I only pay attention to men with money, that the real reason I’m not interested is because he is unsleepable. Yes, I said it in front of his friends. Why? Because it is the truth. He was physically unattractive and his personality objectionable, and I didn’t want to allow him to use my disinterest to create a self-aggrandizing delusion- that the only reason he isn’t wanted is because he isn’t a millionaire. So I chipped his veneer with my manicured finger, and of course he combusted in rage. I didn’t flinch, I stayed calm while he threw a tantrum loud enough to make himself feel like a man.
When his support team gathered around him, he felt comfortable enough to start calling me names. I was called every insult known to woman in front of a bar full of people. Did I object? Nope. Do I crumble just because a little guy with a Napoleon Complex tries hurling insults at me? Nope, in fact I moved in closer to him to make him aware of my height. The angrier he got, the more at peace I felt. I was smiling as he was foaming at the mouth. Pretty soon, other people in the bar picked up on my comfort, and they all started to smile, then chuckle too. There he was flailing his arms, and here I was sipping my Veuve Clicquot enjoying his performance.
Pretty soon he ran out of steam, simply because he had no effect on me. I did not need the physical nor emotional support of anyone in the bar. I never let people defend me, nor speak on my behalf. I am perfectly comfortable with myself, and if you pick a fight I’ll let you, then watch you corner yourself.
But when he got no sympathy from other bar patrons, and when he saw that I wasn’t going anywhere, in fact I was standing closer and more comfortably in his presence, he had nowhere to go. He started to back out of the argument he was having by himself. His wing men were fidgeting and slowly turning away. The dozen four letter words he hurled at me had no effect at all, I was very much at ease with myself.
Now what? Sometimes, when a man isn’t too much of a fool, he can cut his loss and walk away. And other times, he uses that defeat as proof that he is a gentleman, pats himself on the back, and labels himself a ‘real man’. Either way, he is none of my business.
My point is that unless you are 100% comfortable with who you are and with each and every one of your flaws, people will succeed 100% of the time in tearing you down. You will find yourself stepping down from your pedestal to defend yourself, and they will gloat in the satisfaction of seeing that you are no Goddess at all. Why give it to them?
Never complain, never explain. Never apologize for your imperfections, and never demand that critics apologize for their words. Asking people to take back their words so that you can feel okay is defeat. When you ask for them to take back their truth, you are begging for mercy. Let them have their words and their opinions. Make them own their words. You’ll see that most people cannot even uphold the beliefs that they have, they will easily trade them to gain your favor. Your power is in being comfortable with whoever you are.
All women are judged, Goddesses are very much at ease with the judgment. Often we laugh as they hurl insults. How small they look from up here.