Do you have a neverending story with someone? An impossible, unattainable man, that overly complicated situation that never turned into a relationship. This story has actually been preventing you from starting to live your life. You cannot start to live unless you write a new story, unfortunately, you are still stuck in the old one. A lot of women mistake that impossibly unattainable man as The One. Fairy tales have told us that that one man is the only one worth waiting for, and that excruciating wait will eventually come with a great reward- everlasting love. Some of us believe that suffering is noble, and the wait is exactly what makes us worthy. Others are simply addicted to rejection, and mistake emotional manipulation for a relationship. He is slippery, impossible, ungraspable, but the fact that he is that consuming, makes you believe he is real.
The impossible man is exactly that- impossible. And that long history with a phantom is just that, a relationship with no one. There is no reward for that. Impossible people don’t one day decide to become good just for you, and they won’t reward you for waiting. The longer you are emotionally available to them (even if they are not aware that you are stuck on them), the longer you are unavailable to real love, the kind that actually exists.
Ten years ago I was in a similar situation. I didn’t know then that I was addicted to a guy like a junkie is addicted to crack. There was nothing special about him, he wasn’t even my type, nor would anyone consider him a catch, nor datable. So what was I addicted to? I was addicted to the impossibility, the hot/cold, one day he loves me, most days he hates me, one day he invites me for a drink, then I don’t hear from him for a month, one day he is pouring his heart out, the next day he is heartless. This man could not be pinned down. He would pour his emotions out one day and I would think what a beautiful, pained soul he is, I must be there for him. Then he would disappear, ignore my calls, lie. One day he exists, most days he does not. This is not a man, this is a phantom. No one can be in a relationship with a phantom.
But the whole story of us is neverending. It is impossible to break up with a phantom because a man who does not exist will not give you closure. And a relationship which does not exist cannot be severed. Try breaking up with an impossible man. The more you tell him to go away the more he will haunt you. Please know this is not the man’s fault, so you will never logically be able to reason with him, nor will you ever be able to get closure from him. The only way out of this rabbit hole is to go cold turkey, and crawl out on your hands and bloody knees.
We all have neverending stories in our lives: the one that got away, an unfinished chapter in our book, the one that has been keeping us stuck for years. Yes, these men are lessons, but the lesson is not what you think. The lesson isn’t in the entanglement with the phantom, the lesson is YOU learning your emotional triggers and weaknesses, understanding that it is YOU who got yourself into this by being interested in an impossible man, staying around, attempting to solve his riddle, and being mesmerized by a ghost who is nowhere to be found. Accepting that it is YOU allows you the power to let go. You got attached, he didn’t strap you to him nor ask you to go on his magic carpet ride. You believed that he was magic.
Lack of closure is that thing that keeps our chapter unfinished, and we remain in the old story waiting and waiting and waiting. To get out of this you will need a lot of help. I didn’t have any, so all I could do is go cold turkey- this phantom was never going to let me go. As cold as he was, he would always reappear just as I began to heal and close my chapter. It has been 9 years, and each year I receive a communication from him, I blocked his number, his FB, his email, and each year he finds a new way to contact me. I have been over him for years, really I don’t feel a pang for him at all. But his desperation to remain in control of my emotions will never end. Phantoms are people whose only goal is your energy, and they will try to keep you stuck on them forever. You might think you need them, but they need you, your attention, your energy more.
I have a lot of lovers whom I don’t want or miss or need for anything. They are forgotten exes, or are they?? I recently realized that a part of me is still stuck on an ex from a long long time ago. That chapter was closed. We broke up with full closure. We moved on, had better relationships. But I just realized that while I don’t miss the man, nor his body, nor his brain, nor the relationship, I still feel the anxieties similar men cause me. He was the one who taught me to mistrust, to be suspicious, to see the hidden desperations in all men, so now I simply project all those old feelings into new men. The man is gone, but the bad habit has stayed.
So what can you do? Stop blaming the man. If you are in an addiction (a relationship with a phantom), you will need a lot of help. Hire a professional. You may have to try different types of help to see what works best for you. A lot of my friends are in therapy with a licensed psychologist. Some are more spiritual, so they are doing energy work. Do whatever it takes. All the women who are still addicted are still open to the men. Though the man has cut them off, they are still mentally focused onto them, some are even keeping channels of communication open just in case. The way you know that you have officially begun the healing process is the day you have the courage to block him.
All my exes are blocked in every way possible. There is no possible way to find me through any social media channel. Yes they still manage to find a new email address- that only tells me that they are more starving for my energy than I am.
Blocking someone we are addicted to hurts a lot. It is like cutting off a limb. We think if I make this final move, there is no going back forever. But you are an addict, do you really need the toxic serum dripping into your vein? You only know you are on your way to serious recovery when you have cut off all flow. If you can’t do this, let your friends, therapists, counselors help you.
Take a look at your life. What is your neverending story? Yes, the one spinning in your head. The man might be long gone, but the music continues to play. That is your block- the very thing keeping you from moving towards something much better. You might think that you have moved on simply because you are in a new relationship. But you haven’t because as long as that same old music keeps playing in your head, you are reliving the neverending story, over and over again. He is just a new face.