No one can give you more closure, than to slam the door right in your face. If you can’t see closure when someone has disappeared out of your life and refuses to communicate, check yourself. You may have trouble facing reality.
Ghosting is when someone disappears from your life without an explanation. We have talked about this topic before. As offensive as ghosting is, we tend to look at ghosting only from our own point of view. We say, ‘I would never do that to someone. I am owed an explanation. I am owed more. It is cowardly to end a relationship without an explanation. I am owed closure. Our relationship was much more special than that’.
All those things may be true. But you are failing to see this from the other person’s perspective. You are looking at this relationship from the perspective of your own connection to the relationship, and failing to look at it from the depth of the connection that the other person felt. Chances are high that if you are confused about their feelings, you have no idea how the other person was truly feeling about you or your relationship. You saw what you wanted to see, and failed to accurately measure the depth of the other person’s feelings. One person was much more attached than the other, one person needed it much more than the other, one person’s feelings were much stronger, one person’s energy was binding the other.
It is a given in any human relationship, one person loves more than the other, and one person needs more than the other. We don’t measure love in milligrams and demand an equal dose in each beaker. So what was the level of the ghoster’s connection to you? Was he equally in need or in love as you? Did he honor the relationship as much as you? How deep were the ghoster’s feelings for you? Did you hear him say the words “I Love you” and assume his kind of love must be equal to yours, or did you witness behavior that demonstrates the ghoster’s level of commitment is the same as yours? What was the level of connection that this person felt towards you? Chances are that you just didn’t know, and if you were diligently building this relationship without their full participation, you kind of knew they weren’t into it.
Ghosting is a bad word, it implies that the actions of this person were criminal. Sure, relationship experts label ghosting as a heinous crime, as criminal as cheating. But let’s pretend for a second that this person is just as human as you, and that he or she acted in a way that demonstrates his or her level of feelings for you. In fact, how we treat others reflects how we feel toward them. If a person truly felt love, would he or she have disappeared?
So what is the truth? When someone ghosts you, they actually don’t feel the connection you do. When someone disappears, it is not because they love you too much. When someone fucks someone else, it is not because they couldn’t handle your level of your mutual love. They do that for the opposite reason, you just keep telling your mind stories that refuse to acknowledge the truth.
Everybody rejects somebody. We all do. And in our digital world, ghosting is easier than ever. Don’t think that ghosting didn’t exist before smart phones and social media. Most of us can remember the days of keeping the phone off the hook until the caller gave up and stopped calling. Rather than label ghosters as evil people, let’s see them for humans they really are. Leaving someone demonstrates I don’t love you, I don’t need you, I don’t feel the way you do, I don’t want what you want, I am not as committed to you as you want me to be, you are not seeing that I don’t want this relationship the way you do. That disappearing act is final confirmation of I don’t want you at all! And if you haven’t heard it during your relationship, this final disappearing act confirms it. Now you have no choice but to face it.
Of course, many victims of ghosting still refuse to face that the other has disappeared. Instead, their monkey mind starts to spin stories, ‘he loves me so much he is just scared’, ‘he wants me so badly that he is afraid of his feelings for me’, ‘he suffers from so much emotional pain from his childhood and his horrible ex…”, No, he just doesn’t want you.
These mind stories force us to keep the door open, when the reality is that the door has been slammed in our face. And it is those mind stories that are responsible for us refusing to get closure, in essence, we are keeping the door open ourselves, and refusing to see that the ghoster has given us closure in one big undeniable way. He is gone. The relationship does not exist. Poof! That is the only provable fact, there is no relationship whatsoever.
What this act proves is that this person did not feel the level of connection with you. It may or may not prove that you refused to see it, hear it, acknowledge it. It is quite possible that the ghoster demonstrated low interest, or verbally said things “I am not ready”, “I am not sure”, “I don’t know what I want”, “Let’s keep it casual” and that your monkey mind found hope in these words. You treated this as a relationship, while the other person was struggling to be understood.
I have no way of knowing whether your mind spun this situation into a relationship, but I can say with 100% certainty, that the other person did not feel the way you do, or want this as badly as you did. And, if you can acknowledge that possibility, you can give closure to yourself. You don’t need the other person to blatantly tell you no. They have disappeared from your life, and that is the only sign you need.
What if the ghoster keeps coming back? Then you are in a situationship with a ghost, not a real partner. If you keep entertaining the ghost, continuing the conversation, and negotiating terms of this fictitious relationship with a person who has pulled the disappearing act, that is 100% your choice. You are equally responsible for being in a situation with a person who keeps trying to disappear from you. This connection accurately reflects your level of self-respect. The fact that you keep striving to build a relationship with a phantom, instead of a person who is really here, shows that you are more committed to fantasy than to healthy and honest relationships. That is also 100% on you.
In my personal opinion, ghosting is a perfectly acceptable form of communication with people who are out of touch with reality. Sorry, I know that ghosters are supposed to be bad meanies with no feelings. True, they have no feelings, but they have no feelings for you. But, you refused to acknowledge their lack of feelings and kept investing in the fantasy anyway. What does that make you? If you can’t recognize or acknowledge when the other person doesn’t feel the same, you are equally responsible for imagining connections that aren’t there. You are seeing ghosts, and demanding that they behave as if they are real, and give you real relationships.
I have written about ghosting before. The last post I made, In Defense of Ghosting was my own experience in pulling the disappearing act, and my justification for doing so. I can only speak for myself, but I disappear when the other person refuses to acknowledge my lack of interest. The very last time I disappeared, was from a guy who has been pursuing me for 10 years, when for 10 years I never said I am interested in him. He then, invited me to meet him on vacation in Europe. This was proof that he really thought that we had a connection that I said I don’t want. Why would I fly to Europe to meet you, when I don’t want you? In his mind, this invitation was proof of his interest, and he assumed that his grandiose act was also mine. I blocked him, because the man is out of touch with reality. He clearly did not notice that I am in no relationship with him, no feeling, no emotional connection to him at all. For ten years he kept communicating with no replies, kept inviting with each invitation being declined, and his interest finally culminated with one grand invitation. To him, this invitation was proof of his love. Did he acknowledge that in 10 years, I never showed interest, I never accepted an invitation, I never said I wanted anything at all?
Humans assume that what they are feeling about a person is proof that the connection is real. They fail to see that it takes a mutual level of interest, mutual desire, mutual feelings to build a true connection. Often people project their own feelings into the other person and they assume that the other must feel the same. You know they have done so, when they continue to build on this connection, while the other keeps pulling away, keeps dating others, keeps being unavailable, etc.
Social media and dating experts claim that the ghoster is a coward. That may be true, but my assertion is that the victim is an even bigger coward. How? The victim refused to face the fact that she may be pushing for a connection too hard, to face that her object of interest doesn’t feel the same, that one-way desire does not equal a deep connection. In ignoring the fact that her object of desire does not feel as deeply for her, she demonstrated her own cowardice to face the truth.
I believe that all people are just mirrors to our own soul, and that if we keep seeing uncomfortable patters in our own reality, those patterns are a reflection of flaws we have to fix within ourselves. If you have been ghosted multiple times, and you keep finding yourself in relationships that were never real or with people who were not equally connected to you, then the only person you can fix is you. How can I see people for who they are more clearly, before I sleep with them? How can I gauge their interest more accurately before I start connecting emotionally? Perhaps I could avoid phantom relationships, by allowing people to tell me they don’t want anything, and being okay with it, then not pursuing a serious connection with the one who doesn’t want this connection to be serious.
Once again, a ghoster is simply a person who did not feel the same way as you. Rather than be angry at a phantom, you would do yourself a greater service by acknowledging that this person demonstrated with 100% accuracy how they truly feel. You can’t get more accurate with your feelings than to disappear from someone’s life. Don’t beg for closure from a ghost, this person just slapped you in the face, and you are refusing to see the closure in that pain.