I started this blog, and the private women’s forum writing a lot about the purpose of casual dating, the fun and joy of having an abundant and glorious sex life, while making your own rules. I still believe that women should enjoy their sex lives unapologetically, but today I want to talk about how if you are inexperienced and unaware, you may be binding yourself to toxic males. Toxic men and women use sex to bind their victims, then hook them into begging for more. This is something that the less experienced women are unaware of, and are less likely to perceive as unhealthy. The sheer strength, craziness and intoxication of such a bond, might even confuse some women into believing this is true love. If it is agonizingly impossible to break this bond, it is likely you are not in love, instead you are in a relationship with a toxic man.
Some of us are just looking to experience many men, learn and grow from the experience, and find our personal power. I support that. But some women are looking for someone stable, a long term love, someone to trust, have a child with. The standards for a man who is marriage material must be much, much higher. But our understanding of what a healthy man and relationship is must be solid. Unfortunately, many women don’t know how to identify unhealthy behavior, confuse that with love, and then bond themselves to that person. If that sounds familiar, this conversation is for you.
Toxic men (and women) are very calculating about relationships. Their goal is not to relate to you, nor is it about the feeling of love, kindness or respect. Instead, their goal is to hook and paralyze you into not leaving, into serving their own needs. Their manipulation technique is to choose the right words, say the right things, play with your emotions, to trigger then train you into behaving in ways that will make you dependent on their artificial “love”.
Have you ever met one of these men? The one with cryptic behavior, hot and cold cycles, sadistic smirk, blatant disrespect, put downs to you or other people, lack of empathy, deception, arrogance, lying, then being offended that you don’t believe him?
The more experience we have dating, the more likely we are able to identify them sooner, and walk away. But my question is, why were we so easily confused in this stage of the relationship, when we could easily detect inconsistency and deception? Why were we starving for his attention when he disappeared? Why did we consciously form a bond to someone who displayed all signs of mistrust? What is it about his irrational, unpredictable, detached, inconsistent behavior that hooked us?
As a female, what was it that actually bonded you to this unstable, inconsistent man? At what point did you want more of him?
Trying to leave a relationship with a toxic and an emotionally imbalanced individual seems impossible. As soon as we have one foot out the door, they wrestle us down and drag us back with love bombing, emotional gestures, whatever it takes. When we do manage to leave a toxic relationship, we leave damaged, drained, scarred, numb. A breakup with a healthy man is very painful, but a breakup with a toxic, cold, detached, compulsive liar, hurts 1000 times more. This kind of love, was calculated.
Having been in many relationships just for the experience in the last ten years, I picked up a few clues and signs that toxic lovers exhibit. Feel free to post your observations below.
You don’t fully meet the man you dated until it is truly over. Sometimes you don’t understand who you were truly dealing with months or years later.
Many of us are allowing people we barely know to come into our lives, rush the relationship, create excitement, take us on an emotional roller coaster, rush into bed. Why? Because for many women, sex seals the deal. Unfortunately, for some women, sex is that binding agent that attaches women to a man. Toxic men know this. Toxic men know weaknesses of women, they count on your brain chemicals making you high on love even when his love is missing. My personal theory is that the more experience a woman has, the more easily she can detach, but for many, many women, this is the point where they become hooked on a man. At this point they lose all reason, and start rationalizing his irrational behavior. If you’ve ever been hooked on a man whose love left you paralyzed, addicted to him, and stupefied without him, you know what I’m talking about. This isn’t love, this is an addiction.
Goddess, know thyself. A self-aware woman knows her strengths and weaknesses. A woman who is aware that she bonds during sex, should know that this is her weakness, so that she can make decisions in her best interest. Rushing into bed does not seal the deal for him, just for you. This is the point that many relationships go crazy, because this is the point where calculated lovers start to condition you, play mind games, go hot and cold, start messing with your emotions.
Rather than repair or negotiate with a toxic man, work on your own self-respect and self-esteem. As a result, your standards will be much higher, and you won’t so easily be taken by a seducer. Dating is an education, and knowledge is power. Never shield yourself from knowledge.
When you respect yourself, and can easily identify confusing behavior, you are a much more difficult target for males who are unhealthy. You will insist on knowing men inside and out, take months to vet them as quality candidates, observe objectively and understand when they are taking you on an emotional roller-coaster ride. You will be able to disengage like a rational, level headed woman, and never doubt your decision. You will trust yourself more than you trust him.
But getting back to sex. As much as I am pro sex, for women having fun, and enjoying a glorious sex life, I am even more for women having an education. You don’t jump into an ocean unless you know how to swim, and you don’t plunge into sex with a man unless you know everything there is to know about him. If the man is toxic, why oh why didn’t you know that before you slept with him?
This is why I am so against dating books and dating rules. Most dating books tell you to time sex to 3 dates, 10 dates, even 36 dates. This is ridiculous, and it plays you straight into a manipulator’s hands. He can be good for three dates, ten dates, even 36, if he is calculated enough to expect you to act when prompted.
The only determinant to sex is YOU. Nobody else. Not a dating rule book, not a dating “expert”, not tradition, not expectations, never the man, and never your fantasy that if you give him sex he will give you love or the relationship he promised. You, your own head and brain are responsible for that decision so know yourself, study that man like you studied your college textbook. Get a degree in all kinds of men, trust me it will serve you better than any university.
I’m writing this because I hear from all of you, and I see first hand, how some smart, amazing, loving, healthy women allow themselves to be taken for a ride. Would you get into a car with a stranger? Most of us wouldn’t, but how many of us have discovered and been absolutely shocked that the man we are in a relationship with is actually unhealthy? Would it have been wiser to determine how healthy he was before we started bonding to him?
I can’t tell you when is the right time to have sex. But for me, now that I have much more experience than a text book, that time is getting longer and longer. My findings is that even textbooks are wrong on that subject.
The correct timing is solely up to you and your own good judgement. But you can’t accurately judge a man when you are bonding yourself to someone you barely know and are trusting long before he has earned your solid trust. Most of us have sex long before we have developed a solid relationship. That’s very fine for those of us who know how to keep it casual and how to keep walking. But that’s a very expensive mistake for women who are looking for a lasting relationship or someone to have a child with. That mistake won’t just hurt you, it will scar the child as well.