Got trust issues? It is understandable. We have all been hurt, and we all have trouble trusting. Some of us are tired of dating, men and relationships. Why put ourselves out there?
But who do you really have trouble trusting? The men, or yourself? Think about that. The world is full of people and situations which could potentially hurt us. If we don’t have solid trust in ourselves, in our ability to stand up for ourselves, defend our honor, protect our boundaries, say No, walk away without regret, then of course other people and relationships can be potentially harmful.
A lot of women claim they don’t trust men because they have experienced the pain of being cheated on. Weather a man or a boss or a friend cheats you is beyond your control. But you are not defenseless. Do you trust yourself to associate yourself with quality humans? Do you trust yourself to not fall into relationships or be sucked into them against your will? Do you trust yourself to enforce a boundary, stand up for yourself and firmly state this is not okay? Do you trust yourself to walk away in a split second the minute someone dishonors you? A lot of women would stay, and argue for their self-worth, try to fix the man, or lower their standards to protect the relationship. Is that you? Then you probably don’t trust yourself, and for a very good reason. You have a history of failing yourself.
The world is full of people who won’t honor you. They actually don’t have to. It is not their job. But how much do you trust yourself to honor yourself? Will you keep that job because you need the work more than you need your self-respect? What’s wrong with a little abusive or disrespectful behavior? The only thing that is wrong with it is you trying to accept it. What is wrong with that man crossing your boundaries over and over again? What is wrong is you trying to accommodate him. What is wrong with that person speaking in a tone that demeans you? It is you not walking away.
If your style is to walk away as a means to manipulate the other, just to see if they chase you, you are willing to play a game, and you are dishonoring yourself. You are proving you are willing to negotiate your honor away. But if you know with 100% certainty that you will always choose you and your self-respect no matter what, then you are bulletproof! You don’t have to worry what he will do, in fact no one can do anything to you when you are willing to treat yourself with utmost importance.
When you know that no matter what the situation, no matter how painful, you will always treat yourself with utmost respect, then trust is that you know you will always come up on top. You don’t have to fear men nor relationships. What can they possibly do to you? You will always come up a winner when you love yourself first. People will always treat you with respect when they see how much you respect yourself.
Sure, men will test you. Toxic friends and unhealthy coworkers will always test your boundaries. But, you don’t have to worry about that when you know that you are capable at defending them. Is that what you are afraid of? Are you afraid of saying no, making the other person feel bad, uncomfortable creating conflict, feeling ashamed for defending your rights? Then you don’t have enough trust for yourself.
Are you still afraid of losing people, lovers, relationships or friends? Your life lesson isn’t in learning how to appease your tormentor, your life lesson is in finding your personal power to act in your own best interest. If you doubt your ability to honor yourself in every situation, then your lack of trust is for yourself. And that inability to trust is well-earned. Only you possess the evidence of how little you are willing to do to show yourself honor. Your feelings of mistrust are quite accurate. No wonder you fear relationships, men, even a little fun- you know how easily you lose yourself. If that is you, again, you hold the key to transform yourself.
You can’t go through life avoiding relationships, fun, flings and only engage with people who swear to you they will never hurt you. No one can honestly promise you that. But you can embark on a journey to learn to trust in yourself.
How to trust yourself? Can you keep your word to yourself? Have you ever promised yourself that you will walk away, only to stay and negotiate your dignity away? Take baby steps. The first time I feared to stand up for myself, I shook like a leaf but I said No anyway. I got screamed at, but in that moment I realized that it is they who are screaming, angry that I have a little dignity to say No. It really wasn’t as scary as I imagined, so I started saying no, talking back, pushing, until I witnessed how uncomfortable men are when women stand firm in their power. Believe it or not, most men are terrified of powerful women. Their masculinity and their egos are tied to their ability to remain in control. They fear exposure, so most men will back off rather than risk being exposed. If you don’t believe me, try it.
This is something that I learned at a very young age. Bullies bully because most people are afraid to stand up to them. But when a bully is beaten up by a girl, he loses all his power and his masculinity. I learned to stand up to men at a very young age, and the only secret I have is trust in myself, that I won’t back down until I have taken back my power, and the certainty that most people we tend to fear are just bullies who are used to having their power handed to them with our fear. Nothing else.
I practice this on a regular basis. In the office, I challenge coworkers who cross boundaries, and I hold them accountable. I don’t pick fights, instead I politely but firmly explain that John, it is your job to hand in the project on time, not mine. What made you believe that I should take the time to edit your work? Just a tiny slap on the wrist. In a bar, when a guy is being disrespectful, I don’t show any discomfort, I turn the tables and show him his own insecurity. But every day, in every situation I show myself how much I trust myself to defend my boundary, not politely smile and let him get away with it.
I trust myself because I have never chosen a man over my dignity. I have never chosen a relationship over my respect. Yes, I am that woman who has NEVER stayed. My self-respect is non-negotiable. I don’t give anyone another opportunity to talk me into staying. This is how I demonstrate to myself 100% trust in myself.
When you trust yourself, you don’t have to worry so much if other people are trustworthy. By now I have been disappointed a thousand times. I am okay with it. All I have to know is that when I realize that I am being played, that I will act with 100% honor toward myself. I can walk away and slam the door is 3 seconds and trust myself to not look back in regret even once. Can you?
Healthy relationships aren’t always about other people. We can’t control others. Healthy relationships are about us, and trusting ourselves that we will easily let go of any person or situation that is not honoring to us, and having 100% trust in ourselves.