How many times do you check if someone likes you, or is interested in you? When someone isn’t responding to your calls or texts, how many more times would you call or text? Granted, the other person should be more clear and state that they aren’t into you, but if they don’t, how many times would you keep checking?
We had many conversations here about ghosting, and I seem to be the one who disagrees with popular opinion. I think ghosting is normal, unkind, but a clear way to show someone I’m not into you. Before the digital age, we would just let the phone ring, or unplug it, and the answering machine. Right or wrong, ghosting happens frequently.
Some people just don’t want to talk to you. Some people just don’t want you in their lives. Some people don’t even notice you. The point of this post is what do You do when someone shows you lack of interest? Do you keep calling? Do you keep checking if they maybe forgot that you exist?
“Ummm,…..Just checking if maybe you forgot we met at such at such and such party, and it seemed like we had a connection…..”
Honestly, if there really was a true connection, both people would be equally interested. Yes, it takes equal interest from both parties before a connection is even possible. If there truly was a real connection, you wouldn’t have to keep checking if the person maybe forgot to call you back. This goes for all relationships, romantic ones, friendships and professional. If somebody isn’t calling you back, it is because they don’t have any interest.
Next question: How many different methods of contact would you use before you stop trying? Call once, direct message once, Instagram once, text once, then try email, because you never know, maybe he lost his phone? Would you exhaust all methods of contact before you realize this person may be blowing you off?
When someone doesn’t reply it is a clear indicator of how much they are into you. Sure, there are both men and women who play texting games. They don’t reply immediately to appear too busy, then they are frustrated and dismayed when somebody won’t give them a clear and honest answer.
Here is my take. I have a lot of respect for myself. I trust myself, I like myself, I honor myself, therefore I will never beg for anyone’s attention. I won’t ask for your attention more than once. Go ahead, test me. Don’t call me back, and see what happens. Nothing. I respect myself too much to keep searching for signals when one is right in front of my nose. I also don’t fall apart, because it really is okay when somebody isn’t into me. I brush it off, I move on, I am grown up like that.
That said, we all have a trusted circle of friends and family. We know each other so well, that if a call is missed, a text left unanswered, our relationship isn’t threatened. Why? The trust has long been established. I have 2 family members, and a inner circle of vetted friends. We are good. No testing required.
But I also have a huge network of social connections, acquaintances, party people, professional network, and starving men. who are constantly asking for my time and attention. Not all of them qualify for my time. I appreciate seeing them once in a while, but the reason they are on the outer edges of my attention span is because I took me many years to learn how to filter, enforce my boundaries, and discern who should be in, who should be out. So, assuming that you like somebody, and would like to get to know them better, how many times would you try to get in?
People who keep calling over and over again, are actually broadcasting something very important about themselves to those who aren’t interested. They are sending out a signal, that the other is clearly picking up, and choosing not to engage with. What is that?
We all have that friend who calls and leaves a dozen voice-mails. Actually, I don’t any more, but I used to. We all have a few guys who keep reaching out over and over even though there is no chance at all. You may or may not have explained in words, hey, I’m not into you, but he still keeps trying anyway. Why? What signal are they sending you as they keep checking, do you like me now?
That signal is: I am not self aware. I am not aware when I am behaving in a way that is disrespectful to me. I am not loyal to myself, because your loyalty, attention and interest are more important to me. I have no self respect, I will keep calling even when I don’t get a reply. I choose to ignore other people’s disinterest, because it doesn’t feel good to me. As long as I keep trying, I feel like there is a chance to win them over, so it is easier to keep working on them, rather than work on myself. I am desperate, I am lonely, I don’t like myself as much as I like you.
What else are they projecting? They are projecting: I don’t care if you are irritated, I don’t care if I am annoying you, I don’t care how I appear in your eyes, I don’t care how you feel. A person with no self-respect, has no ability to respect you. When people show you who they really are, believe them.
In the past, I actually used to engage with such people, because I was nice. And as all nice girls, I would get bulldozed into roadkill by people like this. They thrive or they feast on others. When I used to ask them why they won’t stop calling me, almost all of them explained that they saw in me something that I could do or be for them. You are so smart, you could teach me, you could help me, you could save me, you could be for me what I am not for myself. You are not like the others, you are loyal. Yes, I am loyal to myself and those few people who have earned my trust, but I couldn’t possibly be loyal to someone who has no self-respect. Absolutely not.
Do you have someone in your life who just won’t go away? What are they projecting about themselves? What signal are they sending that turns you off? How many unanswered calls or texts did it take before you realized I don’t want this person? How many times did you ignore the message before your realized, this person is just going to be calling until I blatantly tell them to go away?
The reason I ask is to make us all think. Am I doing this to other people? Am I texting men well past the point where they have shown me no interest? How many messages do I leave for other people? When people ignore me, do I start trying to fix things, do I get triggered into chasing, do I want them even more? What am I projecting to other people when I behave this way? Am I projecting desperation, the need for approval, loneliness, a gaping hole within me that I am trying to fill through other people?
We all need to be aware of the signals we are sending out. Self-aware women possess the ability to gauge their own behavior, question it, even judge it to be unhealthy, then shift their focus into fixing themselves. Men and women who are not self-aware, tend to ignore that inner alarm that warns them to not call for the 10th time. They really don’t know what is wrong with that. If you ask them why are you still trying with this person, their answer usually points to how this person could satisfy them. They actually have no ability to gauge whether this other person likes them, wants them or is interested in them. They really don’t care. They are more concerned with having this person, than they are with themselves. This shows lack of empathy.
We have all been rejected in the past. Rejection is a normal part of life. How we handle rejection says a lot about who we are as adults. Some people are more self-aware than others, and they know that chasing anyone who doesn’t want them is demeaning. And other people have no inner compass. They lack the ability to look at themselves objectively, they actually cannot see themselves as they truly are.
To me personally, self-awareness is the most valuable quality I look for in the other person. Is he or she self-aware enough to discern when they are doing something wrong? Is he self-aware enough to notice when he is hurting me? Does he notice, or do I have to cry and scream before he knows he is doing something wrong? Is she self-aware enough to understand when she has crossed my boundaries, or do we have to argue about it many times before she will stop trying? Is she self-aware enough to apologize and correct her behavior, or does she need to be told that an apology is needed before she takes any action? Self-awareness and empathy go hand in hand. When you are aware of your self, you have the ability to see how other people feel as a result of your behavior.
That person who keeps calling 10 times, actually has no desire to read your signal. They have no ability to check themselves. Their need for your attention, approval, your interest exceeds their acknowledgement that maybe they are annoying you, maybe you don’t like them.
We all do this some time. All humans are more likely to seek attention of those who show little to no interest. In fact, a lot of slimy dating books teach men and women exactly that. Never appear to be eager, interested, available, never answer that text on time, delay it, etc. The reason this bad advice seems standard is because it works.
But if you are a healthy woman who does not want to trigger men into chasing, and wants to relate to all humans on a healthy level, you have to be aware of your own behavior and your goal should always be to heal yourself enough to act form a place of self-respect.
Why somebody won’t call you back is obvious. They are not into you. That’s the one and only truthful answer.
But of you are pursuing people who refuse to reach out, if you are calling people multiple times in a row and getting no answer, sit down with yourself. If you lack the ability to see what is wrong with that, if you lack the ability to connect with yourself and answer those uncomfortable questions, please get help from a qualified professional. Your friends and women you admire are not qualified to fix you. I am not qualified to help you.
If people are ignoring you, it is probably because you are ignoring yourself. If people refuse to connect to you, it is because you are not connected to yourself. They have all the evidence they need of who you are as a person. In fact, your 12 unanswered phone calls are that clear projection of what is going on inside you. You may not be aware of that, but they are.
How many unanswered messages are you willing to send out?