You should have people audition for a role in your life. I’m not kidding. After years of betrayal, crossed boundaries, learning to stand up for myself, but most of all learning to respect myself and place my own honor above all others’, I have learned to audition people to be in my life.
It took years of work to learn how to tell the difference between genuine friendships and conditional ones, how to deal with crossed boundaries, toxicity, drama, that I realized that relationships in general are exhausting. I simply don’t have the emotional capacity to fight war every time someone decides to test my boundary for the 17th time. So what do I do now? I audition people to be in my life.
I have said several times in this forum that I am happy with my relationships in the sense that I have narrowed my giant circle of acquaintances, coworkers, party people and men into a small circle of people I genuinely appreciate for being in my life. But that doesn’t happen by swinging the door wide open and letting anyone who is interested in. It happens by having criteria or standards for the types of people you want to date, work with, share with, bond with, and then being very selective about who you let in.
Today I want to talk about how being selective relates to men and dating, and about the pain a lot of women endure for having no criteria at all. Giving a chance to any man who shows interest means having no criteria. Why is his interest so important? Shouldn’t you be interested first? A lot of men question my judgment and ask “How do you know you are not interested in me”? A lot of women complain as well “How would I know if I am interested in him if I don’t give him a chance”? To me this sounds like a very stupid question. Do you mean to tell me you have no personal desires, criteria, attraction points that you are aware of up front, that could help you determine whether a person warrants your interest? This is how a lot of women get hurt, emotionally pummeled when after they have already invested themselves into a man, the only way they know he isn’t the one is if he has rejected them. They keep working on the relationship, give it their 110% all the way until he decides this won’t work. By this point they have already slept with him, they have already opened up and been vulnerable, they have already accepted all his faults, made sense of everything that doesn’t add up about his story, and they feel crushed because they invested so much into somebody who doesn’t even care enough to return a phone call. This is because they have no criteria at all for men.
I see so many beautiful, caring, loving, successful, educated women give, give, give, to get nothing in return from men they have put way too much trust and importance into, and when I ask them why they even went out with him in the first place (as many of them are out of his league anyway), they tell me they were looking for a chance. Girl, you are the Goddess here, you are the prize, and you can’t make yourself available to anyone who wants you. Your time, your body, your emotions are not something people get to take a chance on. In fact, a Goddess is someone to be worshiped, respected, honored, and all of that should be proven way before anyone gets to ask for your time. Otherwise, how would you know if he is worth your attention?
It has been about 7 years since I learned to truly see myself, my attention, my time, my body as something that is far too valuable to be given away or traded for a chance. It has been 2 years since I have been practicing self-honor to the level where I feel that I honor myself 100% of the time. Do you know how good that feels? Do you know how it feels when you have criteria for people and situations you give your time to? It feels like pure power to be selective, to know exactly what I want, to be able to say No Thank You, to qualify people before handing them your trust, your money, access to your home, your body, your privacy, your mental health. Total power, pure, uncompromising self-respect, dignity, self-love, a life of peace, quality relationships, fulfillment- this is not wishful thinking, this is your work. And the way I ensure that my friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships are healthy is I have to say No a lot.
Many years ago, when I was starting out in business, I thought I had to say Yes to everything in order to get the business. I found myself catering to whims of angry customers who didn’t even know what they wanted, nor what strategy was good for them, they simply wanted total control and someone to constantly say yes to them. Those were the worst years of my career and I suffered from anxiety, asthma and was a miserable, nervous wreck who hated her job. But I was taught that pleasing customers was of utmost importance, how else are you going to get recommendations and more business? Then, one day, out of sheer frustration and defeat, I said No to a pushy customer. No, I won’t do that. If you think you can get a better deal elsewhere, feel free to go elsewhere. Know what? He didn’t budge. Even after I put the phone down, he kept calling me for days asking me to put this deal together for him. I closed that deal, and I charged him 3 times more for my aggravation, and yes, he paid it because I kept saying No to him every single day until closing. The moral of the story is that, you have to say No, you must protect your own sanity and dignity at all times, and slowly you will see quality people come into your life. They won’t come in when they see that you are a doormat. Since then the word No has been my best strategy in life. I now select work projects, co-workers I am willing to have on my team, I select my friends because quality people are selective too, and I say No thank you to 99% of men who ask me out. I respect my time, my body and my mind so much, that I’d rather be without people who push buttons, overstep boundaries, or take advantage. They are not friends, and they will waste being time on your team.
But back to men and dating. A lot of women are not aware that without strict criteria, they are fully responsible for earning time with low-quality men who actually can’t do anything for them, can’t add value to their lives, and are simply wasting time of multiple women at the same time. Do you really want to compete for that? Imagine how frustrating it is to be texting with some loser who keeps yanking your chain, changing plans, replies whenever he feels like it, keeps you in suspense. A lot of women would work even harder to pin him down and get him to commit to a date. I wouldn’t. When I see someone is playing hard to get, is texting multiple women at the same time, and trying to frustrate me or trigger me into chasing, I let him go chase his own tail. Not me, I shut that down immediately.
When I see an acquaintance who is constantly pushing my buttons, shows signs or control or manipulation, do you think I invite that into my life and give her a chance to be a friend? Nope, I already have plenty of experience with that. Just like you wouldn’t give multiple chances to a non-performing coworker to miss another deadline, why do you invite males who haven’t qualified to be with you into your life? Because you have no criteria for a healthy relationship. Life is an audition. Do you think you could get that job position, fancy title, a pay raise if you didn’t qualify for it? Think how long your audition process was for your job, just for you to get an opportunity to try and qualify for that 90 day probationary period? Did your boss give you that bonus up front? How long did your manager verify your resume? Did they check your references by calling your previous employer? How long did they track your performance ? Did they set clear goals and a list of deliverables that you must accomplish in order to remain employed? Most of all, did anyone pay you up-front? Nope, you had to earn an opportunity to be there, but above of all you had to be qualified. You had to pass multiple auditions and convince multiple hiring managers to give you a chance.So why then do you give chances to males who have not even lifted a finger to get your time? Why do you engage in exhaustive texting trying to negotiate one measly date with a stranger? Why are you having sex with a male who you suspect is sleeping with other women? Do you believe that later, he will fall deeply, madly in love with you, and then you’ll negotiate commitment from a man who has other options? Do you really think that will work out in your favor? That’s like paying a used car salesman before you have test-driven a used car. What kind of car do you think you will score then?
The problem with a lot of women is that they pay for it long before they even know who they are dealing with. They give chances to males far below their own level of education, sophistication, worldliness, wisdom, self-development and it is because they believe that there is a global shortage of men, because they believe in their own expiration date, they are lonely, and the answer I hear most often is that there aren’t excellent men out there, so I must give someone a chance. If you believe that you must settle, you will settle. And when you try to create a healthy relationship with someone who is not your emotional equal, guess what you will get? I am pretty sure you have plenty of experience with that.
Every milestone of your life is an audition. You can’t even get into college without decent grades. But I bet that getting into college is far easier than negotiating for your self-worth with a man who can’t be bothered to respect your time. So how to set criteria? Don’t be afraid to judge. In fact, you must have a strong sense of judgment before you can judge whether people are healthy, respectable, honorable and have good intentions. Notice how I repeated the word Judge? People get shamed for judging others, but you were born with a brain capable of logical reasoning and sound judgment is critical for survival of every species on the planet. You must use your sound judgment, and work on fine tuning it so that you are always aware of who is good for you. Yeah, I judge people because I have been drained, ripped off, trampled on, used, manipulated, controlled, but guess what? Now I have a ton of experience to know how to spot a con, and with whom I can safely take down my guard.
I have some criteria for all people, and some, more specific criteria for lovers, friends, family etc. But in general, I admire and work well with people who are genuine, honorable, worthy, self-aware, emotionally healthy, wise, caring. I quickly dismiss big egos, pushiness, boundary testers, energy vampires, controllers, needy people, the codependent and those who seek to dominate. Anyone who has triggered me deserves a sound evaluation. As far as men go, many years ago I wrote a list of 50 characteristics a man must possess in order for me to enter a relationship, and 25 characteristics that he must have before I will even go on a first date. Believe it or not, once you get to know what you want, red-flags are very easy to spot. When a man doesn’t provide me with enough information, evades questions, when his story doesn’t add up, that does not mean that I should give him a chance to prove himself. If your resume had big gaps, and your story didn’t add up, would your employer have given you a chance and a weekly paycheck until you proved yourself?
Whatever the criteria you have set, make sure you honor it all the time. Once you start saying No, it gets easier. You won’t lose out on an opportunity of a lifetime with a man if you reject him. You will lose the frustration of trying to figure someone out who doesn’t make any sense at all. Also, please stop thinking that every man is an opportunity for something, and that you might lose your great chance because you didn’t give a frog a chance to turn into a prince. A grown woman knows that kissing frogs is humiliating. While you are kissing that frog, he is enjoying his time with you, but he is the only one having a good time. Please stop seeing every male as an opportunity. You will have a difficult time using your sound judgment when you doubt your criteria and worry that you might lose out on something big if you say No Thank You. Instead, you will earn your self-respect.
If you are having difficulty asking hard questions, asking for a detailed explanation, getting his personal details, why are you sleeping with the man? None of those answers will magically appear later.One of the best things I have ever done for myself is to create a list of criteria that people must meet in order to be in my life, and yes I do audition people who are asking for my time, commitment, and friendship. Life is an audition, you don’t reach major milestones without qualifying, and the best thing that you can do is to take the time to qualify men before you start giving them your body and mind. Dating is not a guarantee that with enough time and effort you will earn a relationship. Dating is an interview process, it is an audition, and it is the absolute wrong time to start giving before you have made a sound judgment whether this person is worth your time.