There is nothing that you could say about me, to make me feel bad about me. People try, it never works. Their words bounce off me, and then they are right there in their own face. It’s a very powerful feeling when you learn to not absorb, and not be affected by other people’s intentions, but then hold those intentions and words for that person to see about themselves.
How do I do that? I love myself, I respect myself before anyone else, I accept all my flaws, issues, insecurities, to the point that they cannot affect how I feel about myself.
I wasn’t always this confident. I was your typical nice girl who used to give, give, give, make people feel great about themselves, smile politely, validate on demand, and you know what happens to nice girls. But nice girls aren’t really that nice, we have rage and anger inside us, resent people for not reciprocating equally, we opt to turn ourselves into a doormat, then blame others for walking all over us. One of the most powerful realizations was that I chose to be a doormat, I didn’t defend my own boundaries, then allowed people to take over.
The confidence came later, when I learned to say no, and not apologize. I realized that people actually don’t hate me for saying no, quality people respect that in me. Who would I rather have as a friend, the one who respects a boundary, or the one who tries to test it? I gave myself that confidence, by constantly working on myself, and congratulating myself every time I defended a boundary successfully. You have to pat yourself on the back.
Most women are fine defending boundaries among other women, but most will not offend a male. I never understood why women are so afraid of losing males, or pissing them off. Males are far more insecure than women, we give them way too much credit for their false confidence. They posture, they put on an act, and other males support the act. They will even back them up. Women are the real fighters.
I think there is a turning point in all women’s lives when we realize that the emperor has no clothes. That’s usually around the time when we realize we don’t need him. Our mindset begins to shift when we realize we do all the work anyway, that we take on more emotional and financial burdens, so why are we giving him all the credit? That point when women realize I have been doing it all along, is usually when confidence gets unleashed. But really, that point is when we are no longer afraid of losing a man, pissing one off, or what he might think of us.
I always thought that males are weaker. They are far more insecure about their contribution, and they are terrified of competition. Women don’t bother to compete, we don’t even try. I don’t know of one woman who is trying hard to outdo a male. We all do whatever is necessary to keep a roof over our heads, keep the children fed, and maintain our peace. It is the males who our outraged by our independence, and perceive everything as competition. Why do you want to be like a man? I don’t, that’s not much to aspire to. But I do love my freedom, I earned it, and I want to maintain it. My confidence, my freedom, my inner peace are a luxury that I earned- no one can take that away from me with an insult, a scare tactic, I have no fear of losing you. That’s how much I trust myself.
I know this all sounds cocky, but that’s what I have been working on in the last 14 years. I am at the point when I sound arrogant about how little power people have to affect me. When people try to do something, I let them. It is a super powerful feeling when you can allow anyone to say anything and their word have no power to change how I feel about myself.
The advantage I have had is that I have never been afraid of losing a male. Sure I have been heartbroken, trampled on, disrespected, but I always had the self-respect to not go back, even when it felt like leaving was as painful as cutting off a limb, I would still leave. I may have not had much self-respect at the time, but that self-respect grew the more I kept choosing myself over others. At a certain point leaving started to feel good, then satisfying, then very powerful. Now I leave easily without deliberation. Of course I choose me, the topic is not up for debate.
Everything shifted for the better when I started liking myself with all my issues and flaws. I have plenty, but because I appreciate them, no one can use my flaws as ammunition against me. How can you insult me, when I absolutely adore me? Say something about my big ass, and I will thank you for the compliment. Talk behind my back, and I’ll enjoy your opinion of me- this one makes people sh*t their pants! Try it.
But when it comes to males, they literally fall apart when they see they have no ability to reduce me. You all can tell when a male is questioning your intelligence, looking for signs you will concede to his opinion of you, trying to gently devalue you to soften you up, using you for validation. Most women smile, ignore, and let him think what he wants. We all know the regretful mess we have made for ourselves allowing males think what they want. They egos are bloated, their masculinity is now toxic, and all because we have been silent for centuries trying to appease them.
We do have to speak up more, and lose that fear of being criticized. I developed the courage to be disliked, just by allowing people to dislike me, and training myself to not absorb how they feel about me. I piss people off, and that’s fine. I realized that people who are comfortable with who they are are not threatened by me at all. But the ones who are ego driven will always try to project their own insecurities onto me. Their insecurities don’t reach me, I hold them up for everyone to see how insecure they are.
Here is an exercise that you all should try. It will work for those of you who can sense energy, or who are more empathic and easily affected by other people’s words. I call this the sealed jar technique.
I either seal off my own energy in a jar when I am in a place where there is too much anger, rage, bad energy from others, like a toxic workplace or a group. Alternately, I also seal off other people, I put them in my jar and seal it, when I am affected by another person who keeps on bothering me.
To do this, relax and pay attention to your own energy, your own body, your own breath, your own mind. It helps if you can center yourself in a light meditation for a minute. When your mind is soft, and when you feel peaceful, imagine that person whose toxic words are affecting you, and allow those ugly words to reach you for a second. Feel them, and notice how you personally feel when you hear those words. Now take a glass mason jar, put that person in the jar, and seal the lid tight. Now, notice how their energy has been sealed off. No sound can escape that jar or reach you. Nothing they say can affect you. Keep them in the jar as long as you like. If it is a person who is forever taunting you, all you have to do is recall that they are still in the jar, and spend a minute thinking about how no sound penetrates that jar.
Also, if I am in a crowded, toxic setting, and don’t want to feel other people’s anger or rage, I seal myself in the jar, but always remember to unseal yourself when you have left the room.
This is how I block energy. I put that person into a jar, and enjoy the silence. I smile knowing not a word nor an ounce of their energy can reach me.
This may sound esoteric to some of you. But, because I meditate I am super sensitive to other people’s vibe. This is how I unfeel people, protect myself, and let their words slide off me. I remain unaffected and I feel healthy, even powerful as I walk away.
I have noticed that people get pissed off when they see how their words have no power over me. Males feel impotent when they see they have no power to get me to politely concede.
Also, I noticed that when people are vicious, keeping them in the jar keeps them at a distance. As long as I tune into that sealed jar, I am in awareness that they cannot budge toward me.
I only unseal the jar, when the person has left my presence, when I am sure I will not see them again. I do have a toxic, vicious coworker in a jar for the last 2 years and he has not even made eye contact with me. Please don’t do this vengefully or to hurt people, only to protect yourself, and then let them out of the jar when they are no longer a threat. Bad intentions will always hurt you in the end.
But now that you feel protected, use that time to work on your confidence. Speak up, enforce your boundaries, state your opinion without apologizing, walk straight and confidently, learn to let go and never look back (it’s the look back that hurts you), and start appreciating all that you have achieved and everything that you have.