Are You in Love, or Are You Hungry?

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Travel Clubs International

Are you in love, or are you just hungry?  People are confused about love because they don’t know what a healthy relationship is. That’s not surprising given the unrealistic portrayals of love in Hollywood, fairy tales, and self-help books. There is this fantasy that we have only one soul mate, and that real love, must at all cost, last forever. While this makes for fun entertainment, it isn’t a healthy view of life.

Most love stories in pop culture and classic literature are based on obsession, or neediness. It’s foundation is an idealization, more than a genuine acceptance of who the other person is. In a traditional romance, lovers must overcome deep obstacles, and it usually involves changing one’s nature, and a sacrifice of the self for true love. There is a huge difference between pure love and need or fixation, but most people can’t tell the difference because we’ve been raised on fantasy.

What do I mean by love vs. need?

Well, genuine love is effortless.  It is true and pure – you don’t need that person to change in any way. You don’t even need him to be your boyfriend. You simply enjoy him as a human being, and you’re happy with him being exactly who he is. You don’t need to possess him.  You don’t need a title of girlfriend from him. You simply love having him in your life, and he finds it easy being in yours, whether it’s as friends, lovers, or partners.

I have to emphasize that it’s effortless and characterized by two people simply enjoying each other. You truly understand each other, accept all the flaws, you laugh together, you let the other be free.  You don’t need to possess him, nor demand loyalty from him. That is the definition of true love and genuine compatibility.

Need on the other hand, does not feel effortless. It does not feel good, but it does feel like anxiety, inadequacy, and is stressful. There is this idea, that the person must give you some indication of where things stand, and continuously prove their fidelity and commitment to you.

When you are fixated or need someone, it feels like you are hungry. What little they offer, is not enough. It feels like you must possess them, you must have them treat you a certain way, give you a certain relationship title, or prove their loyalty to you. You feel that until you have this, the relationship isn’t satisfying, and you don’t feel content.

Most women are so fixated on their relationships, they choke the joy out of them. Instead of the lover feeling relaxed around them, they feel pressure to define the relationship, state their intentions up-front, and promise not to leave. Very quickly, this becomes a situation to escape from, and not an opportunity to get to know a person.

When you are in need, your relationship isn’t easy. Instead, you are on pins and needles, desperately longing they’ll give you reassurance that they belong to you. For most women, that is the title of girlfriend, a pledge of commitment, and promise of a future together.

And this isn’t necessarily the fault of women, most are raised to believe this. Fairy tales, society, and well-meaning parents instruct them to wait for Prince Charming to make their dreams come true, that the right man is the one who rescues them from singlehood, and that true love gives meaning to their lives. It is no wonder then, that when a man pays a little attention to them, or gives the a bit of physical affection, they throw themselves into the project of making him “the one”.

It doesn’t help that media, and self-help manuals instruct women and men to believe that relationships are hard work. They say that a good relationship must be worked on, and that the right person will change for our benefit. So, they set off on this project to shape and mold a person, who clearly isn’t a good fit, into a well-behaved, committed, puppet. It is believed that if she tries hard enough, a strong woman can make a man good. If he isn’t willing to cooperate, then surely she is not doing something right.

Not only do they seek to improve, or change the man, they falsely believe that he should be willing to be better if he truly loves them. When a healthy human being refuses to change for their benefit, or give them the promise of eternal commitment, they don’t take that as a sign that they are in a wrong situation. Instead, they try to adjust themselves to better fit into the lifestyle of that person, hoping eventually he will change.

If a relationship feels like suffocation for either person, that’s evidence that you’re not with someone who’s compatible with you. Good relationships are effortless, and both people feel they are in sync. You don’t count how many texts or calls you receive in a day, nor what the appropriate response time is. You don’t feel like you’re walking on eggshells, worrying that you might screw up.  You feel no pressure to make it work. You aren’t afraid to lose them. In fact, you don’t worry about the possibly of losing them, because you don’t need to own them at all. So many people think that they have to have ownership papers to feel like they have true love.

Love is not meant to be a painful struggle.  Sure, popular music and drama make us believe we are supposed to fight for it. Thus, so many people think that unless you are fighting for it, you don’t believe in it.

But what exactly are you fighting for? Are you pushing a person who wants freedom into being committed to you? Are you prodding a person who isn’t very interested, willing, or enthusiastic into being someone who is? Are you demanding better treatment from someone who doesn’t think you are worth the effort? Stop and think for a second, what that effort is costing you, and what you are likely to earn in return. If it pays off, you only get a person you successfully beat into submission. Is that now an enjoyable relationship? While you may temporarily be satisfied, that other person is now suffocating, and plotting their escape.

If you find yourself continuously lacking the type of relationship you desire, and if you truly are an adult, then you must take full accountability for who you are. Do people refuse to make a commitment to you? Do people refuse to change or be better for your benefit? Are they not paying enough attention to you, nor making enough of an effort for you? That’s not because there is something wrong with them, that is because of you. Ouch.

Chances are high that you have a need that you think the other person could satisfy. Chances are that you are incomplete, and seek satisfaction from a potential lover. As soon as they sense your need, and it screams louder than a starving hyena, lovers run away.

So many people are convinced they have full lives, are fiercely independent, and whole, only to collapse at the feet of any person who refuses to satisfy their deep hunger for a relationship. Is that you?

The simple fact is that if you are lonely, looking for a person who will be eternally loyal to you, and starving for a meaningful relationship, then you are very much in need.

People who are whole are never lonely, their lives are full of things to do, and places to be. Those who demand perpetual loyalty of others, are the ones who fear losing the most. And people who hunger for a “meaningful” relationship, are looking for a relationship to give them meaning. Is that you?

Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see”. Want a meaningful relationship? Your life must have meaning first. Want a healthy person to join your path? You must be healthy first, and actually have a path of your own. Want someone to stick around for a while? Don’t pester them into staying. Nothing makes healthy people run faster than a partner who needs to mold, change, control, or be something that they shouldn’t have to be.

So what does true love feel like? Have you ever met a person with whom you have chemistry and are always in sync? A good match is absolutely effortless. You know you are well matched when the relationship is easy, free, and without expectation. People who truly accept each other, have no need to change, or slightly tweak one another. Lovers who are compatible, make no demands, feel no fear, demand no loyalty. They give each other space, encourage each other to thrive, allow each other to grow, even when growth means they must seek happiness with someone else.

Pure love is not about possession. There is no title to be earned. It does not matter if that person is a friend, a boyfriend, a lover, a potential spouse. What you stand to gain from the relationship is not measured at all. If you truly and honestly love someone, how can it matter if that person will sacrifice his freedom for you?

You’ve heard the saying: If you love someone, set them free. Please don’t wait in trepidation to see if they return.

For so many of us who have left relationships, love felt like a trap. It felt like an obligation, to please the other person, be responsible for their well-being, make a promise we won’t hurt them. But those people will hurt as soon as they are missing something they need. I refuse to be that missing piece in their life. If you fill a void for someone, you can never leave, for if you do, they will be broken. I don’t want to be someone’s life, I don’t want to give meaning to a person who has none. It sounds harsh, but it is true.

I feel best in the moment. That moment when the sun sets, and we find ourselves alone with a bottle of wine and a warm blanket. When a good song plays on the radio, and two people start to dance for no reason. A wild orgasm is even more amazing, when it is truly free from the possibility of entrapment. To truly love someone, I have to be free. I live in the now, not the possibility of a future with someone.

If freedom is not for you, then ask yourself what it is that you need? It is okay to consider other options. Some need security and stability, others need a lifetime commitment, some need a marriage contract, and it is healthy to want those things. But if you want love, that pure love that most people dream of, then know that it has nothing to do with obligation, effort, or loyalty. True love is always free.

Be honest, are you in love, or are you just hungry?

S

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Love, and the Single Girl

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Travel Clubs International

It just dawned on me. I have more love in my life now, than I ever did when I was married. You might find this strange, since, to most people, marriage is a contractual guarantee of everlasting love and bliss.

You might think that I was in a loveless marriage, eager to escape. On the contrary, I was married to the most amazing man on earth, my best friend, my soul mate. And yet, I still have more love now, as a single girl.

I’ve been struggling to put this into words for years now. As I watch my friends rush towards marriage as if it is the ultimate race they can’t afford to lose, I find it difficult to express that marriage is not going to meet their expectations. It is a lovely thing. It can be absolutely spectacular when it is all about pure love. But more often than not, marriage is about unrealistic expectations of a bygone era.

I don’t like to blast marriage. Having been there myself, I can honestly say that it is a glorious stint everyone should experience at least once in his life. But there is a good reason that the institution is failing, and it isn’t because there is something wrong with the world. It isn’t because this younger generation isn’t trying hard enough to live a life according to a contract, or live a life that is less than they are capable of. They are trying, but it just isn’t working.

I don’t want to analyze marriage trends, accuse anyone, or make it society’s responsibility to keep the institution alive. I am simply observing that for as long as I have been alive, the statistics have been on a downward spiral, and yet older generations, and media want us to believe that we are doing something wrong by not worshiping the institution hard enough.

I simply want to point out, that marriage isn’t all we are lead to believe. Sure, if prince and princess meet, they will fall in love, and that would compel them to tie the knot, sign on the dotted line, and live happily ever after. But the reality for those who have been there, is that somewhere along the line, reality bites. For as if you are to meet the conditions of that contract, then you will abide by the rules of tradition, prescription, and compromise to conform to society’s standards. You will force yourself to love even when you physically can’t love that person any more, adapt to a life of apathy and sexual indifference, even when you are yearning to experience more.

If you follow expert advice, you turn to counseling, and are force-fed psychoanalysis and medication, to make this bulging, balding spouse of 15 years look more attractive. Really? I find something wrong with the belief that if passion has waned, medical help is in order. For if you don’t subject yourself to therapy, self-help books, medication and religion to keep this contractual obligation interesting, you have no respect for the institution, and something is wrong with you.

It is no wonder, the younger generation is waking up, and saying no thanks to marriage. Should we really respect an institution that no longer serves us?

But this rant really isn’t about marriage, it is about the single life and this idea, that somehow single people are just starving for love. I can’t tell you how many well-meaning friends, look at me with their sorry eyes, and offer condolences that I am uncoupled. You have to see their eyes, and their expressions change when I tactlessly explain just how much love I am enjoying. And how good it is.

The fact is that this immense freedom some of us enjoy, is absolutely spectacular! There is much more love on this side of the fence, and it isn’t pathetic, sick, unfulfilling, nor wrong. Sure, there are many miserable singles out there, who would rather tie the knot with the first willing participant, than mark their 40th birthday without a significant other. They are the ones who are unhappy, subject to society’s pressure, and unfulfilled. But those of us who are thriving, learning, experiencing, expanding, welcoming all the ups and downs of this single life, and enjoying every minute of it, are ecstatic!

This isn’t something I can explain to my friends who fear they are approaching their biological expiration date, and tormenting themselves through every Match date and disappointment. It is as if society has pressed them into seeing marriage as the only option out of spinsterhood, and they will be damned to spend life alone.

This is something only a few can understand. The few who do, have higher expectations. They understand that life is for living, and that there is no reason to compromise. They demand the best for themselves, and refuse to settle for a life of tradition, mediocrity, or conformity.

As someone who has been single for 5 years, I can honestly say that I have never had more love in my life than now. All it takes to see this is a bit of open mindedness, willingness to explore, and healthy curiosity. There are many different kinds of love, and they all feel different. Like fine wine, the adventure begins with a tasting. There are no rules here, and you are not obligated to buy the full bottle. But what an adventure it is!

And as in life, once you develop a taste for the finer wines, you can never go back to the uninteresting house wines. You see that there is so much to be enjoyed, that the institution of marriage just can’t offer the same treats, the same adventures, nor the same benefits.

Who am I so in love with? Everyone! There are so many beautiful people out there, who offer love purely, and without a contract. They are young, they are intelligent, they are gorgeous, and I can simply choose. I’m not telling you shag everything in sight, by all means, avoid the old farts at all costs! You don’t need that.

My critics think that I am doomed- that I will eventually get bored with all my choices. But really, the adventure is in this immense sense of freedom that I have toward new experiences. Is it better to celebrate your 15th wedding anniversary in flannel pajamas and cheap lingerie, or to celebrate 5 yrs of freedom in Phuket with a dashing young analyst who trained his biceps just for me?

And to those who insist that I have closed myself off to love and permanent relationships, I say, no way. I am always open to love. But as someone who is always open, I always have love. And while I am always excited to meet someone new, now that I am fully satisfied, I can afford to make better choices. I no longer have to bend over backwards, or stand on my head to please anyone. I no longer have to subject myself to someone else’s games, follow someone else’s relationship rules, or fight tooth and nail to make a relationship last.

I am totally free of drama, toxic men, and people who do not please me. If that makes me selfish, pathetic, or bitchy, so be it. There is no more room in my life for dissatisfaction, lack of respect, or waiting. I have everything I want simply by taking more.

You see, love is all around you. And the pure love, is the kind that you don’t have to fight for. It is given freely, it lasts as long as both are satisfied, and passes when both have had enough.

I have learned that love will last longer when it is without obligation. I see that I thrive in all aspects of my life when I am free, I wither when I am under contract. That’s not to say I will never marry, but I insist on enjoying the single life, and all it has to offer now.

Enjoying every moment,

S

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Horns and Tail Growing in Nicely

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Travel Clubs International

I don’t whine, I don’t bitch and I don’t complain. I’m growing horns and a tail, and wearing them proudly.

After all, how many women do you know who can grow a furry appendage on their tush, and feel secure about it?

When I walk down the street with these horns, people point and stare, drivers slam their brakes, accidents happen. This occurs more often now. I used to think it is dangerous to be like this. Now I see that I have simply found myself.

With my new eyes, I see the world differently. It is as if an impish little beast woke up inside me, and there is no way to make it behave properly. True, some people don’t like the new me. But the people who walk into walls, fall off their chairs, and bang their heads tripping over themselves to catch me, are so much more fun to hang out with.

There are others out there, just like me. We are few, but only we can spot each another. When we walk down the street, our eyes lock, and in a split second, there is recognition. There’s a mental greeting that goes like: “Hey there, I see you’re one of us”. A silent nod, sometimes a wink, and we keep walking.

Who the others are might surprise you. Not all are sexy little brunettes with a funky accent like mine. Some are old, some are clumsy, some are flamboyant, and some are foul-smelling bums, enjoying every ray of sunshine, making friends with pigeons on the street.

But we all have the same effect on people. Some hate us with a passion, and claim we have no right to be like this. Others accuse us of having our noses up in the air. Our bums are ungirdled, we are drunk with laughter, enjoying being naughty way too much. Guilty.

The truth is we are totally shameless. In this state, there is nothing to be ashamed of. All those things they taught us are a crime, are all so good. Imagine enjoying every single candy in your bowl. Having so much candy, you can toss it around, and give it away.

I should be ashamed to be like this? You should be ashamed not to.

It recently dawned on me, why witches were once burned at the stake. In the last couple of years, I’ve met lots of people (women mostly) who wished to see me burn. It isn’t easy to see a friend grow horns and a tail, eat life shamelessly, and let all the juice drip down her tiny cleavage. It isn’t easy to live life by the rules, and watch others break every rule in the book, then bask in their glory.

But for little beasts like me, that is what being alive is all about. We take what life offers, the good and the ugly, and we eat it anyway. All of it. We don’t whine, we don’t bitch and we don’t beg anyone for more. We sit back, admire our budding horns in the mirror, and we sprinkle glitter on our tails. For us there is always more.

Absolutely shameless,

S

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The Point of Being Single

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Travel Clubs International

“If you don’t have a phenomenal, sexy, exciting single life, you will never have a phenomenal, sexy, exciting married life.”  Yours Truly

THE POINT OF BEING SINGLE

To say it plainly, the whole point of being single is to enjoy it. “No way”, my friends say “how do I enjoy myself when I am not meeting men who want to make me happy?” By understanding that it is no one’s job to make you happy. That work is yours. “Easy for you to say, you are always happy”. The simple fact is that I am happy because I don’t need another person to make me happy. That’s no one’s responsibility but my own.

So I, unlike most of my single friends, am standing on the outside of this box of relationships, adulthood and domesticity, and having a blast, while most women I know who should be enjoying that, are clawing the walls of the box, trying to climb in. This is not my usual rant about women beating the dead marriage horse again- although that is the sad state of most of my peers. Instead, it’s a comment on the attitude that there is something wrong with us if we are not even trying to conform to the marriage institution.

Have you ever looked around this single life, and asked yourself what is here to be enjoyed? No matter where you live, your age, or your position on the career ladder, you are in the perfect place to live. You might claim that you are living, but are you really alive? Do you even know what it means to be alive?

Several years ago, when I was re-evaluating my entire life, I too was in that bleak place, feeling sorry that my work, my career and my path had no meaning at all. It doesn’t help that the internet reminds me every day to find success, one must have passion. And so, if your job is to push paper all day, or build mind numbing spreadsheets, how do you find excitement in that? The answer, I discovered, is you don’t have to.

What you do have to do, is find something, in any area of your life that does excite you. And you can’t find that, unless you are willing to explore, all by yourself. I don’t mean that you should grab your girlfriends, and hold hands as you help each other try new things. The more people you involve in finding your path, the less likely you are to find it. You do have to step outside your comfort zone, let go of your friends’ hands, and step off into the unknown all by yourself.

It saddens me that so many women, in fact the majority of us, have never dared to be free. Most claim to be free by the sheer virtue of being single, but there is no freedom in being single and lonely. That’s not freedom at all- that’s just a life of fear and longing. The singlehood most women experience is desolation, lack of personal fulfillment, and fear of losing the husband tournament. Those who spend most of their single years obsessing about their mythical biological clock, and in fear of eternal spinsterhood, can’t possibly claim to have had their youth and enjoyed it.

The freedom I am referring to is the ultimate indulgence in what life has to offer. This prerogative to explore, to dare, to expand, to live in total abandonment is something we grant mostly to adventurers, bachelors, poets and philosophers. It’s what we read about in books and new-age self-help manuals, but women rarely dare to taste it.

The few women I know who have actually kicked the proverbial white picket fence, not because they had to, but because they really wanted to, not because they couldn’t attain it, but because they demanded more out of life, are the ones I affectionately refer to as “witches”. You can recognize them by that knowing look in their eyes, the bounce in their step, and their confidence. These women are the few who are truly awake. They live by their own rules, and enjoy every minute of their lives. They invest in themselves because there is no better investment.

And no, they have not given up on love, these witches have it every day. How you get your love, is none of my business and it’s not my place to judge. But the fact is, love is everywhere, and just because it won’t let you beat it to death with a time frame, a commitment, and a contract, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Oh, that’s not the kind of love you want? Maybe you are missing the point. While you’re waiting for your prince to come, you are ignoring all the amazing experiences that were meant to be enjoyed in our youth. All those adventures, craziness and debauchery are not just for men, drunken fools or horny teenagers. They are for you, to sift through, peruse and select. Which of life’s naughty deeds, sexy conquests, glorious triumphs, and risky ventures have you partaken in?

The reason I ask this question is that life is a resume, and unless yours is filled with daring stunts, life altering journeys, living in the fast lane, and earth shattering orgasms, you have not lived. So you think you are ready for marriage, a home and a baby? What have you got to contribute to this equation?

If you don’t have a phenomenal, sexy, exciting single life, you will never have a phenomenal, sexy, exciting married life. Take it from someone who has been there- I had it all, and I walked away. No, it wasn’t easy at all, but once I broke out of that white picket fence, I taught myself to keep walking. It’s amazing who you bump into along the way, and the adventures you can have if you are just not afraid to explore. The biggest lesson I learned is to never wait. Those of you who are still waiting for love to happen will not find it. You might get a willing participant, but that is all you’ll get.

Those witches I mentioned, do have it all. No, they don’t shun love, marriage or companionship- they’re the ones most likely to find it in its purest form. But to know what that is, and be able to recognize it, you have to find it all in yourself first. And you can’t attain that living on the sidelines just waiting for the prince to come. If he is truly a prince, then he has tasted the best that life has to offer, and has no reason to settle for someone who hasn’t yet started to live.

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Women Who Suffer

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Travel Clubs International

“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”

                 Paulo Coelho

 

As admirable as martyrs are, it is no doubt that most of us have secretly wondered if there is something wasteful about self-sacrifice and defeatist attitudes, that compel people to self-immolate  just to make a statement. After all, if a life is worth living, nothing should come in the way of happiness, personal growth and expansion. Suffering is a temporary condition for everyone, but some people make suffering into a life-long drama that never concludes in a happy ending.

Sure, we all have temporary bouts of misfortune, and wallow in misery for periods of time long enough to reassess, readjust, and march forward. Without suffering we cannot grow, we can’t overcome, and can’t self-actualize into thriving beings who appreciate all that life has to offer.

Nevertheless, some people never move past the suffering stage, accept it as a permanent condition, and when offered medicine, reject it as if it is somehow more admirable to remain in pain than move on.

As a keen observer of the human condition, a dabbler in psychoanalysis, and a self-actualized hedonist, I can’t help but wonder, what is going on with the female sex.  Throughout history, we have been known to suffer more than our fair share, and most of us have unfortunately accepted the myth of being born the weaker sex, therefore destined to feel pain more profoundly than our counterparts.

While most of my American friends are confidently making strides in self-discovery, expansion, and independence, friends from other cultures are stubbornly fixed to traditional “values”, be they gender stereotypes, or religious mores that dictate a proper attitude for a woman is to fear free love, relationships and sex, as they guarantee pain, rejection and insecurity. Though the concept seems old fashioned and even prudish, the attitude that a woman’s heart is somehow too weak to handle loss, rejection, or an end of a relationship, still pervades our culture. The few of us who have successfully managed to shed that insecurity, and actually enjoy each and every relationship, no matter how insignificant it is, are still met with criticism. Yet most of the critics are not men, our biggest detractors are women.

Men, I have found, love the self-actualized woman. They admire women who “run with wolves”, lead their own lives, enjoy life’s gifts, and make no apologies. These women don’t protect themselves from pain and discomfort, they dive right into relationships even when they hold no promise of commitment at all. They don’t fear loss, or waste time psychoanalyzing each lover as if he is the end all, be all. Instead, they just live and enjoy every moment of it.

Women, on the other hand, are the biggest detractors of self actualization. They, in fact are, what is holding our gender back from shedding Victorian attitudes towards love, sex, and relationships, and are promoters of drama, emotional hardship, and suffering, simply through their insistence that it is the feminine way to be. When faced with a friend who has taken a new lover, and is enjoying him purely and without concern, women are quick to point out that there is something wrong with her, that without fear and agonizing insecurity, she is being self-destructive, especially if she doesn’t obsess about commitment.

This attitude is slowly dying here in America, but is alive and thriving in other cultures. My conservative friends insist on protecting themselves from men, by rejecting the ones who do not promise commitment, marriage and babies.  They view each relationship that didn’t conclude in a proposal, as a tragic failure. Worse yet, the men are accused of stealing something precious from them, whether it’s their time, their heart, or their ego. In each case, the relationship ends with suffering, commiseration, and male bashing.

And this is what I don’t understand about women (even though I am one). Why do some women act like they are owed a relationship? When they don’t get that eternal pledge of allegiance they want, they act like they have been robbed. Contrary to what you believe ladies, no one owes you the commitment you fantasize about.  Since when are you entitled to a human sacrifice?

The whole point of relationships is to get to know one another. A relationship is an inspection period, where both parties get to sample the goods before making a commitment. And here is where the perspectives differ. Women who are free and open to love, understand that there are no guarantees. We must kiss a few frogs before finding that prince, and until we find him, we will have a good time anyway.  And if we don’t find a prince, we’ll slay our own dragons.

Women who suffer, want guarantees that they will not be hurt. Though they say they want to take the relationship slowly, they are actually counting on that walk down the aisle from the first date. At that point, the minute a man doesn’t conform to their list of requirements, he is guilty of everything from being a psychopath, a womanizer, a compulsive liar, to a sex thief.  But really, with that attitude, isn’t a hit and run tactic the only option for a man who does not want to meet your Victorian expectations?

Women who suffer see themselves as victims of unscrupulous men. These women are moraled and principled to such high standards that even the pope can’t meet. The suffering is ingrained in their persona, that they view themselves as martyrs, and their heartache as an agonizing laceration that bleeds for years. No new experiences can mend them, and rather than lick their wounds and march forward, they see their sainthood in that suffering. When they meet a woman who shuns suffering, enjoys her life, her loves, and her experiences, they roll their critical eyes, and accuse her of all kinds of immoral and lascivious things.

A woman who knows herself, refuses to bitch, or accuse men of not granting her commitment, is a woman who is truly alive. She accepts that each man is not prince charming, nor does he have to be. Relationships are merely a journey, or a road to self discovery. Along that road there will be princes, frogs and wolves, but each has something to teach.

It is experience, whether in life or in love, that shapes who we are as human beings. Without experience, we are infantile creatures who insist on a lifetime pledge to love, honor and obey, and demand a human sacrifice instead of a healthy relationship. Yet culture dictates that a psychologically healthy woman must have far less experience than a man.  With less experience come ignorance, insecurity, fear and desperation- symptoms women have suffered from for centuries.  And while in the past, it was a necessary part of our upbringing, today, it is a handicap that almost guarantees a woman will attach herself to any male, and insist on his protection, devotion, and obedience. When she doesn’t get that fairy tale she has been taught to save herself for, she suffers an emotional breakdown that paralyses her from moving on.

Some of us have seen past this contrivance to reign in female emotional development, to the point of infantile dependence on a man for personal safety and happiness. Blame it on culture, religion or patriarchy if you want, but analysis will not change anything. What will change the situation is encouraging women to expand, make their own rules, and enjoy their own decisions.

By encouraging the women who can enjoy life and relationships, rather than the ones who can’t, we can create a situation where we lead by example. After all, there is no better teacher than someone who is doing well, thriving and expanding to create her own version of personal happiness.

To be clear, suffering is a sign that something isn’t going well. It’s not something to accept, identify with, or base future relationships on. Suffering is something to recover from, learn from, then walk away from. If relationships bring you nothing but emotional pain, there may be nothing wrong with the men in your life. It may be worthwhile to explore your belief system and filter out the attitudes that no longer serve you.

After all, we live in the twenty-first century, when it is unreasonable to wait for a knight in shining armor to rescue and bring emotional stability to our lives.

A woman is far more likely to meet an excellent man, by being excellent herself. That excellence doesn’t stem from suffering or martyrdom, it comes from experience, maturity, exposure and worldliness.

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A Proper Affair

Posted on October 20, 2015 by Travel Clubs International

Much of what gets discussed within my social circle centers around cultural differences between Americans and Europeans.  And since a large portion of my personal friends are from my group, Eurocircle, we often observe that our nonchalance about infidelity, and our practical approach to relationships are very much frowned upon here in the USA.  As welcoming and accepting we are to each others’ cultures and political ideas, this has always been a subject of contention. It seems to me that whenever the subject has been brought up, it hits a nerve that causes extreme reactions among our puritan friends.

I have to point out that attitudes within Europe vary on this subject. Our continent has many cultures, numerous languages, and customs that vary from region to region.  It would be unfair to generalize that all Europeans view the subject in a practical manner.  For example, I find that the Brits share the view of Americans, while most of my French friends agree with us Balkans that affairs are one of the finest things in life. Like a fine wine, it is something to be savored, appreciated and respected. It has its place in one’s life and if treated with finesse and reverence, it will develop in complexity, add years to a marriage and that special something to our lives.

In addition to our differences regarding the affair itself, we seem to differ in our methods of dealing with the issue. Americans seem to take  it head on, like a collision.  Here, an affair is a crime. Once it happens, the sanctity of a marriage is broken, and so is the legal contract that dictates to love, honor and obey. I personally don’t see how love can be written into a contract. Marriage, yes, but love no. A marriage contract can spell out the conduct and expectations of each partner, as well as what constitutes failure to comply. Adultery, in most cases, is the end all, be all annihilator of that contract, and of people’s lives.  But love, cannot be contractualized, and as most lawyers would have us believe, they really cannot and will not protect us from the end of love.  There is no such thing as a document one can sign to protect us from humans being humans and satisfying our human needs.

In this country, infidelity is a crime, both moral and legal. It is frowned upon by the church, by judges, by one’s peers and popular media. The evildoer is punished by guilt, social shame, alimony and public outrage.  In much of Europe, and affair is something to be dealt with poise and respect for oneself. No one wants to be seen as the desperate, tormented, jealous, hateful, raging love reject, so we put on our best face, hold our head up high and strut forward. How one deals with this indiscretion says everything about our position, and there’s a certain nobility in facing the ugly truth.

The best example of how to handle the matter with class, is Danielle Mitterand. As wife of the late French president, she endured the same public innuendos as most American first ladies. But this one did not shed a public tear or give a gut-wrenching interview to Oprah. Instead, she stayed composed. The funeral was discussed in European social circles, not because Mitterand’s mistress showed up with the illegitimate daughter to the ceremony, but how such a delicate situation was carried out properly.

So here, we Europeans handle the matter with much more decorum and dignity than our American counterparts. The fact is, people have affairs. Sometimes they are illicit, sometimes they are vengeful, sometimes they are based on true love and compatibility, and other times, they are the icing on our cakes, and truly what makes life worth living. Why such a negative attitude toward them? This question brings me back to the point of this rant, and that is to show to some readers the joys and pleasures an affair can bring to one’s marriage and personal life.

Where I come from (the Balkans), relationships are viewed as a practical matter.  Affairs happen, and are expected to happen. They are viewed as healthful, rejuvenating, and revered for their relationship revitalizing properties.  They should always be discreet, and the three parties deal with the ups and downs, joys and pains as adults.  Ideally, we all remain composed and dignified. Tears are shed in private and never on public display. We try to understand that what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and we really mean it.  The goal is not to manipulate, threaten, guilt or shame the offending party into coming back, but to enjoy life’s little pleasures just as much. This of course is not how it always happens, and we Balkans are a temperamental bunch, so don’t believe a word I say about remaining dignified. But the goal in such a situation is to react with class, or not to react at all.

Personally, I believe that life is for living. To have a good, long, prosperous and joyous life, one must be willing to accept it all.  There is no joy without pain, no love without heartache, no passion without anger and resentment. Life gives us contrasts and undesirable situations to learn from. Who are you as a human being, if you shun painful experiences? I also believe that life is for personal growth, and that two people cannot fully develop themselves if they are chained to each other with strict rules, terms and conditions. Married people face this tremendous challenge of growing and expanding themselves, while always trying to grow in the same direction as their partner. How is that possible? If genuine personal growth is to happen, then each human must be allowed to experience life’s pleasures and pains freely, yet most American marriages force the weaker partner to grow in the stronger partner’s direction, and that’s not growth at all.

Our culture is based on very firm ideas of what love and marriage should be. We are told that true love is forever, and that it never dies, and we accept this idea with blind faith. Yet, 50% of our marriages end in divorce, so, does that mean that 50% of divorced people have never known true love? Are the remaining 50% of the married bunch more pure and enlightened? Have they discovered relationship nirvana simply by choosing to remain under contract?

I believe that true love is perfectly free. No, I am not a love child, nor a product of the 60’s, but as I age, I gain experience and see that the best loves have been the ones that have been free of need. The purest loves were the ones I’ve experienced under no obligation to commit within a specified time frame, comply to a strict set of rules, and change myself for the benefit of someone else.  I did not need the person to fulfill me, I did not need the person to marry me, I did not need his commitment, I asked for nothing and received everything.  And that’s the beauty of an affair. There is this knowing that it is only temporary and that time is precious and rarely wasted. There is this sense of excitement because it is something fresh, intoxicating and new, and that is what makes life worth living. Yes, there is a little guilt, because we do love our significant other, but the guilt is remedied by this knowing that the affair makes us a better person. I feel revitalized, more confident and rejuvenated. I feel alive, attractive and desirable. I am happier with myself and my general attitude about everything is much more positive.  And this inner vitality shines out and becomes evident to others. People notice the sexier clothes, the random bursts of laughter, the spring in my step and the added confidence. There is a huge difference in how I perceive myself when I am having an affair, as in the times I enter a room as someone’s wife, and times I enter the room as the woman who owns the place. The second is a much more powerful woman, and I really like her. I would almost always rather be her, than the wife walking in the shadow of her man.

I know I will never be able to convince my pilgrim friends that an affair is something to relish and be absolutely ecstatic about. We come from different cultures and see life from different perspectives. Here, an affair is a sure sign that there is something wrong with a marriage, and it must be stopped, killed, and annihilated. In my culture, an affair is a sign that there is something good in one’s life, and some of us appreciate it.  American readers are most likely to see my choice as pathetic, pitiable and a sign of insecurity. Ok, I will take that, because none of them can ever imagine what it’s like to like it, appreciate it, be a 100% comfortable with it, offering no excuses for it.  This is when it is reassuring to have expat friends who share my opinion, are supportive and occasionally buy me a congratulatory drink when something exciting happens in my life.

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