Filling Empty Holes with Relationships

Relationships have become a problem because we are not using them to enhance our lives. We are trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.” – Sadhguru



This quote hits close to home, because it is something I hear most often from friends. And since I started writing this blog, and posting my opinions on social media, I am inundated with questions about how and where can a person find a relationship. Before I ever answer that question, I ask, Why do you want a relationship? Fair warning, it is a trick question.


And here come the answers: I want someone to complete me, I want someone to travel with, I just want someone to be with, and the ultimate answer that I hear mostly from women: I want a deep, emotional bond with someone. It isn’t surprising that most of such statements are coming from women who claim to be staunchly independent, and want to be perceived as whole or complete. “My life is complete, but…”


Since I launched I have partnered with professionals like relationship and dating coaches, lifestyle and career gurus to inspire women to step out of their own boundaries and push them to be more. And when we compare notes, we agree that the vast majority of women who claim are complete, are anything but. This isn’t a criticism, it is an observation of how people are confusing love and relationships with an emotional crutch. The fact is that many people simply don’t know the difference.


Ask any woman why she wants a relationship, and she will tell you exactly what gap she needs him to fill in her life. She hasn’t traveled yet, because she has no one to travel with. She is waiting to see Paris with the right person. She is disappointed in the people she has dated, because none of them would bond with her. Modern relationships suck because men text, but do not call and actually speak to her. Thus, she is looking for someone to bond to, speak to, travel with, talk to, spend time with.


But, there is a growing number of women on the opposite end of the spectrum. Whether there is someone to travel with or not, they have been to Timbuktu anyway. Rather than wait for someone special, they fly to Paris whenever they can, even for a weekend. If a man isn’t calling them or communicating to their face, they don’t care, they have no time for long phone calls anyway. For them, bonding is something they do selectively. They will only bond with people they deem worth it, and even then, they’d rather be with people who are free, and seek no bondage at all.


Do you see the difference? So when people ask me how to go about finding a relationship, I explain that their dream man lies at the opposite end of that spectrum. It is the women who have no gaps in their lives that are the most approachable, most fun to travel with, and the easiest to connect with. The ones who aren’t lonely, waiting for someone or searching, are the ones who have the most offers.


From simple observation, I have seen that the women who have trouble keeping a man, are the ones waiting for a relationship to fulfill them. They also have the most trouble with friendships, as they make the same demands of their girlfriends: travel with me, sign up for a class with me, call me, come to an event with me. But, again, this is not a complete woman. And if you want that relationship you dream of, you have a lot of work to do on yourself. The goal is to fill in those gaps yourself, so that when a potential mate comes along, he isn’t afraid to tumble into one of your gaps, and never be allowed to leave.


Men have a sixth sense about women, and the first thing they try to assess, are your needs. You don’t have to communicate them, they can smell them a mile away. When they sense you need bonding, they perceive that as bondage, and that is a fair assessment. When they see you have been waiting for them to go to Paris, they wonder why a grown woman hasn’t hopped on a plane, and seen such an easy city to navigate all by herself.

When you demand he calls you in person to talk to you, when it is easier for him to send a quick text, they wonder, how much time do you have on your hands, and do you have no one to talk to?


As with lovers, so with friends, she needs much more than busy people can give. To me, that is the epitome of a woman looking for a relationship to fulfill her. When there is no man in her life, her girlfriends become a crutch. They are the ones she holds hands with through her life. They are the ones she plans everything with. Some women claim that they simply enjoy the company of their friends, but if her idea of traveling solo is a required business trip, and attending a party alone is horrifying, then you are looking at a person who is searching for someone to prop her up.


So where do incomplete women find relationships? As I said before, that smart, capable, solid man she dreams of won’t find her attractive. He knows he will have to drain himself to complete her, and that no matter how much attention and reassurance he gives, she will need more. Incomplete women tend to find men who too are incomplete. Unfortunately, two humans with gaping holes in their lives, will never be able to fill each other up. Their insecurities, their neediness, their expectation that their partner should fill their needs, are a recipe for a toxic relationship.


Complete women, have a different attitude about men. Because there are no missing pieces in their lives (they filled each missing piece themselves), they are free of need or neediness. These women are actually free to want men, and in that freedom they allow themselves to pick and choose. Naturally, they get much more male attention, since any man can see they are happy, they’re thriving, they are solid human beings. Of course, they too want to find true love, but these women are not willing to settle. They know their true worth, and are content to keep dating and enjoying life’s little adventures, without needing to turn each man into a spouse.


These women are fully capable of having casual flings, because they do not seek to bond to every single man who comes along. They can enjoy each romance, because they don’t fear loss or heartache. A man is not a loss to a woman who has no gaping holes in her life. He is simply a soul she meets along her path. She knows that the more she keeps walking, the more she keeps growing, and if she allows herself to experience all that life has to offer on her own, the man she finally chooses will be much bigger and stronger than the ones she has left behind. Women like these are not looking for a husband to complete them, they are looking for an equal. They are perfectly willing to enjoy their lives now, knowing they don’t have to settle for anything. They are already complete.


The main reason I started is to show women that the process of completing herself is by far more important than finding a man. At times the process can be painful, but it is the most beautiful aspect of personal growth any human can experience. There are many, who simply refuse to endure that, and would rather find a spouse anyway. They are the ones I refuse to associate with. This may sound cruel, but my life is too precious to spend it holding hands with girls, who refuse to be women.


But the women who can look in the mirror, and fairly and accurately acknowledge all their missing pieces, have embarked on a journey, that will eventually bring huge rewards. They will learn that the relationship they have with themselves is the most rewarding of all, and that any man who comes into their life is just the icing on the cake they baked all by themselves.


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