Somewhere along my path in helping women discover their higher selves and their inner Goddess, I came to realize that for the vast majority of women out there, a relationship is still the ultimate purpose in life. I also realized that what is preventing many of those women from finding what they seek, is the belief that they are owed that, and that if they haven’t received that, their person of interest, usually the man, has failed them in some way.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a loving relationship- we all want that. But, our expectations about what that relationship will bring, how that relationship will fulfill us, and what life will be like if we attain that, is not serving us at all.
Once again, I am going to blame media, society and culture, for creating this fictional view of what love is, and how we (especially women) find our joy, our purpose, our fulfillment from that relationship. In fact, many of my clients feel that life is perfect except for that missing piece. When I suggest that they alone are responsible for filling that gap, I hear a lot of resistance stating “I already did that, I am complete. Now, all that is missing is the man”. But, if anything is missing, then obviously you are not complete. It is an impossibility.
And so, many women get into relationships for the sole purpose of finding “the one”. Healthy people get into a casual relationship first, because in having no strings attached, they can more rationally evaluate their partner, and determine whether this person complements them. Other people reject casual relationships, and think that strings are exactly what will bind them, and make the relationship stronger, or real. They want the strings first, and if that person allows that, then the relationship can proceed toward a shared goal.
Now think about it, isn’t the purpose of dating to see if our partner is a good match? Shouldn’t we observe them objectively, allow them to be exactly who they are so that we can determine if we are compatible? If we are not, it is easier to walk away and find someone better. But with strings, it is harder to leave a situation that does not serve us. We are already bound, and rather than break the strings that might hurt us, some of us choose to stay in the relationship, and embark on a project to convert this person into someone who will fulfill us. When they refuse to give us what we want, be who we want them to be, act in a loving way when they are not sure if they should love us, we act as if there is something wrong with them, as if they are being selfish, when in fact, we are the ones molding an incompatible person to fit our lifestyle and meet our needs.
Here is where I see that a lot of women are failing themselves. No, it is not the man’s fault. He already gave you a chance, his time, his attention, and benefit of doubt. He does not owe you more than that. But a lot of women believe, that after they have established a string (whether that is an emotional bond, a physical one, or a guilt trip), they are now owed a full blown relationship that fulfills them. If at this point the man chooses to withdraw, he is accused of everything from emotional immaturity, commitment phobia, psychological disorder, or just plain being an asshole.
Is it a crime for a person to choose not to be with us? Is it a crime for a potential partner to keep looking for a person who fits them better? Is it wrong for them to choose not to bond with us? In case it isn’t obvious, the answer is No. A healthy human owes it to him or herself to walk away from that which doesn’t serve them, and keep looking for a person who does.
At this point many women feel like they have been cheated out of a relationship. As harsh as this sounds, no, he did you a favor. If you are looking at relationships as life’s ultimate goal, chances are you are looking for fulfillment in a relationship, and that is why they are escaping you.
No one owes you a relationship. A man doesn’t owe it to us to complete us, a healthy man will keep looking for a woman who is genuinely complete. A man doesn’t owe it to us to lose himself in our relationship, if he feels there is someone better out there for him. In fact, he only owes it to himself to keep looking. The men who choose to walk away, are not bad guys, they are healthier than guys who let you mold and change them.
When a person refuses to commit, they are doing us a favor. They are reflecting something important that we all must accept because it is the adult thing to do. When someone refuses to give you a relationship, it is because we are not who they are looking for, but more importantly we are not who we are looking for. For some, this is a difficult concept to grasp, but bear with me.
We must be that which we are looking for. It is not enough to act like it, we have to exude it, that being must ooze out of our pores in order for it to be genuine. If we want pure love from the other person, then we must BE pure love first. Pure is something that is free of need, neediness, strings, ulterior motives, so, if we are not pure ourselves, the other person cannot be either.
Looking for a man who is stable and secure? Are you stable and secure in every aspect of you life? Are you really? Because if you were, then you wouldn’t need security nor stability, you would already have that. It sounds like a catch-22, and it is, but we must be that which we want. If we project a false self, the other person reflects that falsehood. Don’t be surprised to then find yourself with a person who has deceived you in some way.
When I was healing from a broken heart, and by healing I mean I was not whole, I too was attracting broken people into my life. In fact, many of them were so sick that I wondered how it is possible for me to be in so many relationships with men who were psychologically scarred, and just plain unhealthy? Luckily I am okay with reflecting on myself, and not blaming things on other people, because I never would have picked up on my own sickness. My lack of completeness was attracting broken people seeking completion through me. My faking happiness was attracting people who were faking too, and each of them was reflecting my own instability, fears, neediness as well. Luckily none of those relationships lead to commitment, or I would be a fraction of the human I am today. Luckily, we walked, or ran away from each other.
So, when a person chooses to walk away from you, thank your lucky stars. They were not for you, but they were one step closer to a better, healthier relationship. Luckily, you are the sort who learns from experience, and each experience makes you stronger. Just keep walking. No man is supposed to complete you, not a single one of them owes you a relationship, and just because he offers you one, does not mean you are meant to accept it. You are only meant to evaluate it to see if it brings you bliss.
If you are not in a state of bliss with someone, he is not it. If he is not changing his actions or behavior to be with you, it is because he is not supposed to. You are a big girl and surely you don’t believe he will become a different person for your benefit. If he isn’t giving you what you need, he will give it to someone he wants to give it to, so keep walking. No one owes you a relationship. You owe yourself a relationship with your self, and the men in your life simply reflect the quality of the relationship you have with that self.