The Lives of Others

Many women believe that it is a man’s fault if he isn’t giving them the kind of relationship they want, or think they deserve. If he isn’t stepping up, they waste hours analyzing him to gain a better understanding of why he can’t commit, what his issues are, what kind of woman he wants, when is he going to change? By doing that, they assume that there is something wrong with him, and they fail to realize that there is something wrong with them.


A Goddess is a woman who knows herself, works on herself to improve herself constantly. At a certain point, she becomes so appreciative of how far she has come, that she loves her own creation- her own life, and delights in her own company. It is at this point that she becomes a magnet for the kind of people who match her vibe.


I look at romantic relationships the same way I look at friendships, you attract exactly who you are right now. The people in my life reflect who I am NOW. When I meet someone who is open, loving, successful, happy, and flowing, I congratulate myself for being that. After all, a person like that would not be attracted to me, not even as a friend, if I did not match their vibe. When I meet someone who is stagnant, blocked, stubborn, stuck on the past, dependent, co-dependent, needy, lonely, unchanging, I know I have a lot of work to do on myself. People like that always come back to remind me that I am now focused on something that isn’t serving me. As soon as I repair that bit of myself, I start to flow, and they disappear. We are like magnets. We attract to ourselves exactly who we are now.


If you are seeking to join the lives of others, it is because you don’t have a life of your own. And if no one is wanting to be a part of your life, it is because you haven’t created an attractive life for yourself. It is a long and painful process to look within, discover your own shortcomings, work on them, improve them, make changes, and to transform. Yes, it is much easier to just wait for the next relationship to come into your life. But the next one will refuse to be who you need him to be anyway, and so will the next one, and the next one.


If your relationships and the men in your life always follow the same pattern, always fail to launch, or fail to succeed, it has nothing to do with the man’s shortcomings. It has nothing to do with him at all, and no, it is not the world’s fault that there aren’t good single men out there. To put it bluntly, the problem is you. Are you waiting for a man so you can finally start to experience life? He isn’t coming. And that’s guaranteed. Why would he? Who are you? What kind of life have you got to offer?


I recently reconnected with a childhood friend, who immediately asked me why I never invite her to anything. She sees the life I have, I am always out and about, meeting new people, exposing myself to new experiences, traveling, exploring, and creating my own new reality. I replied bluntly, and I hope it sunk in, ‘Because it is time that you create your own life.’ I hate to criticize, but this is a person who has always lived through the lives of others, a woman to whom a romantic relationship is an opportunity to start to live, and for whom a new friendship is an opportunity to join someone else’s life. I remember when we were younger I was always trying to escape her, and she was always trying to follow me to whatever I was doing next. And the more she tried to join me in my own life, my travels, my explorations, my new experiences, the more I felt I was carrying her, because she just refused to grow her own feet, and find something meaningful to do on her own.


And, as I felt the burden of her friendship, I understood what it is like for a man to be in a relationship with her. He must provide a life for her, give her something to do, take her places, be the kind of partner she needs him to be, be her best friend, be a good companion, take care of her feelings, never hurt her, be the remedy for whatever ails her. This is in fact how most women and men view relationships- that if someone loves you, they will be all that for you. I think of this view of love as a sickness. Grown up people are trading their love in exchange for a crutch, a contract, a remedy for their shortcomings. No thanks.


They cannot be, without a partner. They fail to exist, without someone to validate their existence. When they have no lover, they lean on their friends for full emotional support, spiritual growth, companionship, therapy, social life, for their entire existence. In fact, most women and some men I know are just that, people seeking to live through the lives of others.


I have done a lot of work on myself to create the life I always wanted. It took years of blood, sweat and many tears. But I am who I am, exactly as I created myself to be, in exactly the lifestyle I always wanted. It is mine, and all mine. You want in? NO. Whether you’re a lover of a friend, I’m only interested in people who are interesting. I am not interested in carrying anyone through life, I now only want to know people who have fought as hard as I have to create their own world. Everyone who is in the same place of self-satisfaction as I am, has paid his/her dues, and appreciates the company of people who too have shed blood, launched companies, failed and failed again, suffered multiple broken hearts, and we are proud of who we are. Do we want relationships with warriors like us, or with damsels who want us to carry them on our backs?

Yes, I said good bye to many friends who refused to let go of my coat tails, to start anew many times over. And I will do so again, and again, and never look back. I am not sorry. I am always growing myself, changing myself and my knees are always scraped and my heart is always healing from a new wound. I am okay with that, because I earn the good and the bad in my life. You want to be a part of this? You have to have done a lot of work on yourself, and not look to me to fix you, guide you, or coddle you.


You want to be a part of my life? Show me the life you have created for yourself. Want someone to show you compassion, guidance, or wisdom? Hire a therapist or a guru, because I am not in business to guiding you through life.  Do you want my personal time? If I give you 30 minutes over a cocktail, your company better be greater than I could have had by myself. Sorry if you think I’m being cold, but I now have a life that is very valuable to me. I spend it with friends and lovers who have full lives of their own. Each has something to match my own accomplishments. I share my full life with people who are also complete.


And this circles back to your relationships, and why you don’t have the kind of person in your life you are so sure you deserve. You are not the kind of person he wants. Plain and simple. No, it isn’t that he can’t see straight, or needs you to teach him the kind of man he can be. He is not interested in the life you have to offer. It looks just like the life of any other girl waiting for her life to begin. From his vantage point, you may have a closet full of shoes and designer outfits, but you have nothing of interest to him. And you look exactly the same as any other damsel who is waiting, and waiting, and waiting to fill her emptiness with him.  If I was a man, I would want no part of that, and as a friend, I want no part of that either. I want friends who I can learn from, grow from, and say good-bye to, without having to chop off their fingers as they are hanging onto the hem of my skirt.


Go on, live your own life. If you don’t have one, then build it. Stop waiting for a man for your life to begin, and stop looking to me, to let you have a piece of mine. If you think you have a life, and no one is knocking on your door, it is because no one wants to be a part of it. That’s okay, keep building. You will never be enough for someone who has a better life already, and it is okay to have a long way to go.


As you keep building, you will see that more invitations are coming your way from people who like what you have built. If you don’t stop, the people knocking on your door will be better, and better creators of their own lives. You will soon develop a taste for better people, and become much more discerning about who you let into your life. When you have built a glorious palace, everyone will try to get in, and that’s when you will have to get a stronger lock on your door. That’s okay, keep building anyway. You will see, that the kind of man you want will be the owner of an equally matching palace, and the kind of friends you dream of, will only want to be a part of your life, when you have built one that is as attractive as theirs.






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1 Response to The Lives of Others

  1. Truly soaked up each word, as I am feeling quite insecure and in a place where I have forgotten just how amazing I can be when I put myself first and let go of what hinders my growth. Great piece. Thank you.


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