Inspired by yesterday’s discussion on The Goddess Principles secret and private group on Facebook, I thought I would elaborate on my post and the conversation the ladies chimed in on. I had posted a recommendation of the book He Is Just Not That Into You written by Greg Behrendt. As my readers know, I really don’t like dating books, and think that women should stop reading about dating strategies, as they do more to disempower, than empower a woman. But, this book is one exception to my rule, and I wholeheartedly hope that every woman reads this.
It was written by a dating consultant who was working behind the scenes of the show Sex in the City, in response to women going batshit crazy about men who make no moves at all towards them. You know how it starts, you like the guy, you talk a bit, you might even exchange phone numbers and text a few times, but then nothing happens. He doesn’t ask you out, or if he does, the date never leads to anything. Meanwhile, the more nothing happens, the more she is getting hooked on the guy.
At a certain point this mind game she is playing all by herself, takes over every aspect of her life. Not satisfied with her own reasoning skills, she enlists the help of her girlfriends, who, with their well-meaning support, exacerbate the delusion, by helping her psychoanalyze his childhood, his mother, his past relationships, all to conclude that he is very much into her, but there is something standing in his way. Is it commitment phobia? A missing testicle? A dysfunctional family, or debilitating shyness? Maybe he just forgot that we went on a date, maybe he needs a gentle reminder that I’m still here? Should I text hello, should I invite him for coffee? Should I offer sex to refresh his memory?
This is when a male friend would rationally point out that he is not that into you. In fact, if he is not making any moves, it is because he isn’t into you at all. Ouch! So why do women have such a hard time facing this reality? Why would they rather believe that a jealous ex erased her number from his cell phone, than admit that he has no interest? Because it hurts, and we all narcissistically believe that if someone isn’t treating us how we want, there is something wrong with him, and not us. Rejection hurts, and we would all rather fantasize a different outcome.
As a consultant on the TV series Sex in the City, Behrendt was responsible for most of those ingenious, late night girl talks, over pie at the corner diner. And, he too can’t believe the irrationality most women have toward men who are not interested. “But he initiated contact, so he must want something”…. “but he flirts and stares at me all day”…”He said he would like to get married some day “(but he never said he wants to marry you).
Really, any time a friend is pining over some guy who is making no moves, I think to myself, that if her mind keeps spinning long enough, this man is going to turn into an obsession for her. At a certain point, everyone including men, take that one object of desire that they can’t have, begins to obsess over it, and wants it even more.
Looking back at my own life, when a similar situation happened to me, it was when I was feeling the loneliest in my life. I had just separated from my ex-husband, started dating two men. One guy was actively pursuing me, so I quickly lost interest in him. But the other guy, strategically ignored me, so I hungered over him for a full year. One part of my brain knew this was irrational and that no relationship was possible, but the other, held out hope, so much, that at a certain point my mind I was addicted to this non-entity like crack. A drug addict lives for that hit, a tiny dose of crack that briefly produces a high, but the longer the withdrawal, and the further out the hits, he obsesses over it even more.
Ladies, do yourselves a favor and read the book He Is Just Not That Into You. Then, read it again. Any time your brain starts running in circles and you’re wondering how, when, if he will call you, read the book from cover to cover. Any time you feel the need to psychoanalyze his baffling behavior or why he isn’t chasing after you, read it again. Any time you want to waste a couple of hours analyzing his mother, his childhood and whether he has relationship phobia, read it again. In fact, sleep with it under your pillow to maintain your sanity. Trust me, you will thank me for this book.
Since that incident 7 years ago, I learned to recognize the signs of obsession and clearly distinguish it from a real relationship. This obsession is nothing but an imaginary relationship, one where a party has no intention of taking the next step, but the other party is already mentally and emotionally in the relationship. Plans are being made, wedding planners are being consulted about this pending and future relationship that hasn’t materialized.
Today, I am a drastically different person. I did a lot of work on myself. I realized that if I want to be magnetic and powerful, who I am was not enough. I studied myself hard, I faced all my flaws, weaknesses, inadequacies, and brick by brick I laid a new foundation. Yes, it was very painful, but facing your shadow self, that most pathetic aspect you don’t want anyone to know you have, is that piece that you can repair all by yourself.
The reason I want you to read He Is Just Not That Into You is because it is the answer to every obsessive question spinning around your head. You won’t waste hours of your friends’ time, creating delusions, when you have the answers.
Does he want a relationship?
If he hasn’t asked for one, No.
What is standing in his way from pursuing me?
Nothing. At all.
Does he fear relationships or commitment?
No, he’s just not that into you.
But he said he wants to get married someday?
Believe him. But, he never said that he wants to marry YOU.
But we hooked up. What does that mean?
It means you hooked up. If he hasn’t pursued you, he wants nothing more.
Does he have a crazy, jealous ex girlfriend?
Every man does. But if he was into you, he wouldn’t let her stop him from pursuing you.
Does he have relationship phobia?
I’m pretty sure there is no such thing. More likely, he has a YOU phobia.
So, what should I do?
Nothing. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it with your girlfriends, don’t pretend there is a relationship when there isn’t, don’t pursue him, don’t remind him you still exist, and don’t plan your future around him. Do yourself a favor and hire a therapist, trust me you need one. If you are obsessed with him, or relationships, or relationships with people who don’t want one with you, if you have wasted any time of your precious life on imaginary relationships, you owe yourself some help.
Face it, this was never a relationship. If you think about it logically, you fell into this imaginary relationship all by yourself. If you really want to help yourself, ask yourself why? Chances are, that like when this happened to me, you have all of these things going on 1) you are lonely 2) you have way too much free time on your hands 3) you don’t have enough of a Self, so you are looking for yourself in other people 4) you are obsessive or addicted to relationships 5) you can’t handle rejection, so to get a grip on it, you pursue who rejected you even more 6) you aren’t dating, so any man who barely crosses your path becomes your latest obsession 7) you surround yourself with other obsessive or lonely women who support your delusion because they live delusions of their own 8) your life isn’t complete, if it was, you’d have no time to latch onto imaginary relationships 9) you don’t have enough casual dating experience, so you can’t let go without painful agony 10) you are not satisfied with yourself exactly as you are, and the only thing missing in your life is a relationship.
Before you read another dating book, and trust me you don’t need one, because they will simply add to your sense of emptiness when you realize you are standing on your head to get a man to ask you out, please do yourself a favor, and fill up your life with YOU. Nothing stands in the way of your happiness but you.