Do you really know how the other person feels about you? Most women don’t pay attention to what is being offered to them, what is being said or delivered to them, instead, they go by what is not being rejected.

In the beginning stages of getting to know someone, not much is being communicated, given, offered to us at all. So, to push the relationship forward, women make an offer and if it is not rejected they see it as a sign that he is receptive, so they offer more of their time, more of their sex, more of their cooking, more of their friendship, more of their affection, etc. In that giving, they are forming an attachment. He is not rejecting anything, he is taking what is given. But, here women think they have established a connection when in fact they have established a one-way attachment. What’s more important, they have no clue how he truly feels about them.

When she is prodding the relationship forward he has had no opportunity to question and inquire, plan, or scheme. He is receptive, waiting to see what else she will give him. Then, most women are shocked to find out that he has no real interest. They were sure they had a connection, they worked hard for it, they earned it, they communicated clearly their feelings and what they wanted, and he accepted everything. “But he didn’t say no, he didn’t reject me”, is no way to gauge how he feels. Where in her mind did she find the information that he is interested?  She created the relationship all by herself.

Like most women, she projected her wants into him, he went along, and let her guide him, but she has no facts, no information, no data whatsoever. What I am always looking for is his energy, his effort, what messages is he sending my way. If his energy is passive and accepting, that’s not a man of action. As you all know, I am okay with just a casual fling, but even then I am always watching what messages are coming my way. When you are in observation mode, a.k.a. data collection mode, all the effort he makes toward you is pure data! You can even enter it into your spreadsheet 🙂

When you simply watch and listen, he will send you prodding questions, and those words will either hint at sex, are you willing to play with me, or relationship, words like honesty, truth, openness, time, etc. Compile your data ladies!

This guy I have been on and off with for a year was super vague, non-communicative, emotional flake. I could tell right away someone broke his heart. He even admitted it. Most women would see a hurt soldier, and run to his rescue. Nooooo, you are not his nurse, and a hurting man is not an opportunity! Instead, after much of emotional chit-chat, I decided to keep looking. His words said he is looking for a band-aid, he is looking for help, someone to take his pain away. I collected my data, and decided he is not relationship material, but good for a casual fling. So, I said no thanks to the flaky, non-decisive, time waster, walked away, and told him I am only good for some fun. And my boundary is always enforced at just fun. He gets nothing out of me other than fun. I am not scheming to see if it can be more than that, because I have all the information to dismiss anything else from him.

But instead of projecting your wants and needs into someone who is not stepping up at all, and manufacturing a relationship with a person who is just waiting to see what you put on his plate, do yourselves a favor and back off. Sit back and relax, and just watch.

On any given week I get contacted by men I meet when I am out. I have no way of knowing who these people are, what their intentions are, nor whether they have a backbone. To me personally, character is worth its weight in gold, but if all he has is character and no other qualities I am looking for, he will have my respect and nothing else. Nevertheless, the first thing I am screening for is character, a backbone, clearly stated intent, and DELIVERY. Words are just words, but whether those words add up to something concrete, tells you who you are dealing with.

This is how I screen out 99.99% of flakes. Enjoy the conversation, and rather than talk about yourself, what you want, and what you need, sit back and listen. That person who has no intent but to waste your time, will have nothing concrete to say at all, besides Hey, want a beer? Usually a person who has a clear intention, will use words that reflect what he is looking for. If he doesn’t seem to be looking for anything, don’t step up and guide him into what you are looking for.

A man who knows exactly what he wants will make it happen. If he doesn’t know how to make it happen, don’t help him. He will try to communicate it, and if it isn’t clear, allow him to keep clarifying until you are satisfied with the answer. If that answer doesn’t match what you want, don’t negotiate his answer to make it fit your needs. You don’t need to improve or tweak his response, instead accept what you heard.

And of course, don’t believe anything he says, until you see delivery. Did he actually pick up the phone, did he actually make the reservation, did he actually show up? What is he working toward? Sex, some casual fun, a relationship? All are acceptable to me, but unless I see him working on it, as in taking clear action, I am not going to budge.

But open up an Excel spreadsheet, and create three columns.  Start listing his words in one column, and his actions in the other. In the third column list all his deliverables. After a couple of months, add up all your rows and see what was delivered.  That’s how you know what a man wants, and how he really feels, and if that actually ads up to something you want. Don’t fall for ‘I want to go to Paris with you’ routine. Have tickets been purchased, have hotels been booked. when did you say we are going to Paris?

Imagine you are a project manager at a Big Five consulting firm. Would you get paid for a project that wasn’t complete? Would you get paid for just big, important sounding words, when no action was taken toward that goal? So why would you accept that kind of time wasting from a man? Your boss would take your proposal and throw it out the window, and tell you to get out of here. Don’t waste my time. To keep your job as project manager, you must clearly state the scope of the project, list all your action steps, check off one by one, and set a date for all your deliverables. No self-respecting professional would dare miss a project delivery, so why do we let men get away with having us run the relationships for them.

Collect your data ladies, and if the words, actions don’t add up to a quantifiable delivery, you’ve got a flake on your hands. Walk away from that.

S