So he says he wants a relationship. So what? These are the magic words every woman wants to hear. But, most effective sales people know what words turn buyers on, and so even a man with no skills whatsoever knows to say that magic word. Relationship! Your average girl, starts beaming with pride, she just received that honor she has been waiting for, an average flake who said he wants a relationship with her.
Needless to say, most girls don’t do much thinking here. Few even stop to think is this truly a person she wants a relationship with. She heard the word, so she is opening up, she’s shopping for lingerie, brushing up her girlfriend skills, end off she goes to the mall to stock up on her relationship materials: perfume, the outfits, the relationship books, and maybe some stationery for when time comes to make the announcement.
But, no Goddess ever fell for a relationship. Not so fast. I’m not sure you qualify for a relationship with me. I want to sample the goods, before I buy into this.
This is a continuation of my previous post: How to Measure His True Feelings and Intentions. But, here I want to discuss what the word relationship means. This is a trigger word that get’s most women to salivate like Pavlov’s dog. Often, what women mean by the word is different from what they actually receive, but nevertheless they are willing to work for it. And like an obedient poodle, she starts doing whatever it takes to earn that morsel of meat.
Each human has different needs, and there is no point in discussing what different people need from a relationship. To each, her own. My point is that just because a relationship is being offered, it does not mean that you have anything at all. And without the proof that his intentions match yours (see article below), you are wasting your time.
So someone wants a relationship with you. So what? At the risk of sounding obnoxious and pompous, I always say so what. Someone on the streets asks you for a dollar, are you obligated or excited to give it to them? No. You give only when it feels right to you. If you haven’t spent some time, screening, listening to his words, measuring his actions, and checking off his deliverables (as in the previous article), you have no idea what he really is asking for, but most of all you are considering the possibility, and likely making an effort toward something that is probably inadequate.
Who are you, and why do you want a relationship with me? What qualifies you for a relationship with me? Are you at my level? Have you spent the years developing, improving, growing yourself like I have? Or are you a recently divorced, scared shitless, a don’t-want-to-be-alone dolt, looking for a fast track out of his misery? People are nice, but just because their hearts are bleeding, doesn’t mean you should be the one to stitch it.
Worse yet, there are a lot of men out there who think they are entitled to a relationship, and unfortunately, there are so many girls out there, willing to let them have it. They end up taking care of needs of fully grown, balding babies, who think a woman’s job is to cater to his needs, keep his tummy full, and look pretty enough to impress his bloated cronies.
Just because someone wants to have a relationship with you, doesn’t mean you have to consider it at all. But, assuming this is actually a person you are interested in, why not let him demonstrate what the word relationship means to him? Words are just words, and they rarely convey what the person truly means. We can verbally be on the same page, but if the delivery doesn’t match what I need, it is not a relationship. It is not a relationship until both people are getting their needs met, until both people are satisfied, until both people are happy.
If you are working to create the relationship you want with him, you are not actually in a relationship. If you were, it would already be established. If you are in the process of laying the groundwork, seeing what works, negotiating the terms, it is NOT a relationship. And, as I said in the previous post, if you are doing most of the communicating, and guiding him to what you want, you are manufacturing something he may not be really into. He is going along for the free ride instead.
So, what if he wants a relationship? Show me what you mean by ‘relationship’. Demonstrate it. What does a relationship mean to you? Here is where you watch for verbal expression, actions taken, and what is actually being delivered to you. You are not taking a step forward, twisting his arm, nor guiding him to what you want, you are allowing him to express himself. So, if he is showing up to your house, expecting his belly to be filled, he is demonstrating what the word relationship means to him. If he is putting his feet up on your coffee table, watching the game, while you prepare something in the kitchen, as comfy as that sounds, that IS what relationship means to him. If he is making projections about the future, and including you in those plans, that IS what relationship means to him. If he is showing up for nookie, and leaving right away, that IS what relationship means to him. If he is having you tend to his boo-boos, needing your emotional support but not noticing you are hurting too, that IS what the relationship means to him. Some women are thrilled to be able to baby him when he is sick. Great, you got the job of first-aid nurse, but you forgot to qualify him.
How to sample the goods up front? All you have to do is pay very close attention to the relationship HE is creating. Allow him to express all of his needs, by demonstrating. You will see a very clear picture of what you are dealing with. Now, I am NOT stating that at no point should you make an effort to participate in this relationship. I AM saying that comes later, after you have evaluated his idea of a relationship, and objectively determined if you are fully satisfied with what he has delivered.
Don’t be fooled into thinking you will straighten him out later. No. A man will do whatever he needs to get his needs met, even go elsewhere, or go home to grovel to mommy, and there are some men out there who are only looking to get their needs met. You need to see that in order to determine whether this is a person you want in your life. So let him be exactly who he is. Do not ask for better behavior, instead observe his natural behavior. Do not tell him what he needs to do to make this relationship work (unless you are actually far into a real, non-imaginary relationship), but observe if and how he is making an effort to determine your needs. Is he trying, or is he assuming you have none because you are so easy going.
Be easy until you have all the facts. You’d be shocked by the kinds of things I have simply allowed men to demonstrate to me. Being my usual, easy going, non-demanding self, I have been presented with pure, uncensored honesty from men, who felt very comfortable expressing to me all their insane, unhealthy, toxic, political, masochistic, misogynistic, sicknesses that warrant a stay in the looney bin. Would I have known any of this, had I clearly stated exactly how I want them to behave toward me in a relationship? No. Most men will try to ascertain what you are looking for, then act just like that until they get into your pants. You want flowers, I got you flowers. Want to be wined and dined, sure I got you babe. But flowers and wine are no tell of a person’s true character. How many times have we been in relationships with men who act exactly as they are supposed to, only to discover later that he is a raging lunatic?
I know my flaws and all my weaknesses. Having grown up in a different culture, I am always challenged by communication. I communicate very directly and bluntly, and often don’t pick up subtle cues or softer words that imply something that hasn’t been spoken. So, I rely on proof. And that has served me well.
Instructing a man to go ahead and show me what he means by relationship, allows me to observe and see if this meets my needs. I am not stuck on his words, ‘But he said he wants a relationship’, instead I am evaluating what he has actually delivered.
The guy who asks me to hang out, is likely to get stuck in my friend category. Friends hang out, and if he hasn’t actually used the word date, he gets a friendship instead. I hung out with a guy for six months only to find him screaming his head off, and calling me all kinds of names when he found out I am actually dating a real person, as in going out on actual, adult dates. He assumed we were hanging out, meeting each others’ friends, grabbing a drink now and then, so I would be exclusively hanging with him. His idea of a relationship, not mine.
But relationship is a loaded word, and it gets a lot of people to do crazy things they never would do had it been called an interview, a getting to know you, a trial period, whatever. And if you tend to get triggered by the word relationship, or tend to guide men into the fantasy relationship you want without their actual participation, step back.
When a person actually wants a relationship they will A) state it clearly with words B) take action steps to make it happen C) Deliver ALL that was promised. A flake will twist your words, say I never said that, always have an out, let you work on the relationship while he tends to his life, or ask you to hang out. The one who is seriously interested in a relationship, knows what a relationship looks like, he will actually make the time, and effort to lay a foundation, build it, put a roof on it. A serious human, won’t leave things up to chance, won’t leave the terms of a relationship ambiguous. He will state his intentions clearly, repeat them until he is blue in the face, because he wants to make sure that you are a willing participant and just as serious as he is.
It is not uncommon for men to ask to sample the goods before committing. It’s only fair. You want a relationship? Then you sample the goods too, tell him to show you what a relationship with him looks like. If his style, his effort, his relationship feels good to you, accept it, and if it’s sloppy don’t help him build it. Again, you are not being passive, you are in your ‘sampling the goods’ and in observation mode. No commitment, no relationship, no contract until I see what your idea of a relationship looks like.