Why do experts treat relationships like a science project? Who do people believe that relationships are an achievement? We are born surrounded by billions of people, why do we feel exhilarated when we find just one who wants to be with us? Why do media harp on emotional and psychological inadequacies of people who are unattached? Who do some people pursue relationships as if they are a goal that must be attained? Why do others view marriage as if it is a business deal?
For years I have been observing that people who pursue relationships the hardest are always the most miserable. That’s not because they are unattractive to the opposite sex, it is because they believe in the mass hysteria that being without a significant other will leave them empty. So they buy books, sign up for 10-day spiritual retreats to reawaken their kundalinis and attract, attract, attract!
It’s hard to get away from the bull. It’s so prevalent that you can’t help but notice that if you are not a subscriber to some relationship self-help scheme, you must have given up on hope. My position is that if you are buying into any of these ideas, you are swallowing snake oil. People who are constantly pursuing relationships are the turnoff.
“Buy this, wear that, click here, wait 30 min before replying to a text, never say this to a man, 12 ways to turn a man off, follow these 9 steps to a guaranteed marriage proposal…”
Relationship experts would have us believe that there is a “trick” to getting the other person to like us. There isn’t. Any technique you implement to get a person to respond is a pathetic attempt at manipulation. We are not dogs, we don’t salivate just because you look like a treat.
“But I waited an hour before replying to a text! Now he should think I am a busy, high-value woman. He should have started chasing me by now!”
“But I do yoga, I have a significant social media following, I travel the world and I post about my awesome lifestyle. That shows, I have a full life, and a purpose?! Still, nobody wants me.” No, it shows you have way too much time on your hands. Who are you when you’re not posing?
Laughable, isn’t it? I can assure you I have NEVER fallen for a person who has attempted to make me like him, love him, be interested in him. It has never happened. I have never even accepted a friendship unless I had a genuine interest in that person. So no matter what book you read, and what technique you apply, I am only interested in you if I am interested in you. There is nothing you can do to make me. I don’t care if you if you have an impressive resume, what car you drive, how many degrees you collected, nor your IQ score. And I really don’t care that you did all the right things, you made effort, you spoke in complete sentences, you bought flowers, and you showed up on time. You proved you have manners, but I am still not going to be attracted to another human because they did all that.
Relationship gurus make us believe that if we are diligent enough to jump through a set of hoops, we will earn the prize. This person who is way out of our league, and completely disinterested, will fall in love with us immediately, and be unshakably loyal for eternity. Has that even happened to you? Not to me either.
Yet, the smartest men and women buy into this shit. Some of the most highly educated people I know, who pride themselves on their intellect, pore over relationship books endorsed by psychologists, statisticians, animal behaviorists, sociologists and sex experts to study, analyze, and find proof that there is a formula to mating success. There isn’t.
Have you ever noticed that some of the least educated people in the world, the ones with limited or non-existent access to relationship expertise, manage to find a mate and procreate without even trying? What are their secrets? Do nomads of the Gobi desert or the lost tribes of Amazonia know something about attraction that we don’t? They sure do.
They know yes means yes, and no means no. One means I am interested, the other, I am not. Yes means I want you, no means go away you smelly brute. You don’t score brownie points for trying. You don’t get a gold star for diligence and trying harder than everyone else. You don’t become more attractive, for responding to a text later. You don’t look more shiny or enlightened for striking the goddess pose or a downward dog in front of the whole tribe. In fact, you’ll look stupid.
So what is attraction? I don’t know. I have one useless degree in psychology, and thus far no one has ever been able to convince me they know either. Here is what I do know:
- Only I know what is attractive to me. I will follow my own instinct towards what I find attractive, no matter what you do. You could shower me with rose petals, buy me diamonds, park the shiniest sports car in my driveway, but I will always follow my own desires toward the man I want, and he probably will not be you.
- There is nothing I can do to make myself attractive to a person who is not attracted to me. No dress, no hair style, no gym membership, and no technique has ever helped me win over someone who is not interested in me. To prove I really believe this, I don’t pay for $200 blow outs, wear makeup, follow gurus, or manage a wardrobe. I am not an actress, I don’t need costumes, I have no one to impress. If you like me, you are here, if you don’t, you don’t. If I don’t want to see you naked, no amount of posturing will ever change my mind. No access.
- Everything we have earned or qualified for in life does not add up to a relationship. It adds up to your personal satisfaction, an ego trip, or a pile of clutter in your space. Trust me, your certificate in geniousness will not be impressive to someone with an identical certificate in geniousness. That stretch you do in your skinny Lulu Lemons on a lawn at sunrise makes you look like a pigeon, ruffling its feathers for a mating dance.
So what do you do to attract a mate?
- NOTHING. It’s amazing how many people I attract in a week, simply by doing nothing. I am not speaking from my ego here, I am speaking from a place of humility. The ego would say, I have graduated from a world class university with a degree in business, you have accomplished the same, therefore I now qualify for a relationship with you. You should be attracted to me. A humble human admits to having nothing, and is quite comfortable standing there with nothing for the whole world to see. What is shocking is that with all the nothing I have, people are very much attracted to me. I have hundreds of amazing friends all over the world, whose hearts I won with nothing but Me. I have a voice mail and inbox full of date requests, that I can’t possibly reply to- and I am a woman who doesn’t own a curling iron, a gym membership, nor a makeup bag. There is a lot about myself that I don’t like, and other people shouldn’t have to. I am comfortable with my piles of unaccomplished endeavors, I don’t hide them.
Most importantly, doing nothing helps me accurately gauge what the other is attracted to. Are they attracted to my social media persona, my designer outfits, my clean, spotless. mysterious dating profile they’ll never find online? Or are they looking at me, the real me, that person who truly possesses nothing?
I like people who have the ability to see. No one can fake that. So, I’d rather stand there with nothing to determine what exactly they want from me.
2. Drop your agenda. It is unattractive. I am not telling you to hide it, because you’ll never succeed. People can see through an agenda, and you’ll look desperate. I am fully aware when a man has an agenda. Regardless of whether he is lonely, eager, terrified of being single, shopping for a trophy, ready to close the deal and tie the knot, we are all transparent. No matter what dating technique you follow to not seem desperate, sooner or later, your agenda will be exposed. If you are pushing someone towards the altar, when you told them you’re cool being casual, you’ll be left at the altar and no, it’s not their fault. If I see you have a plan for me, I’ll make sure it fails. Why? I have plans for myself, and I will not fit neatly into the life you designed for me. If you have ever watched a woman lead a reluctant man toward commitment, marriage and a baby, you know how unattractive that looks. Men do exactly the same thing with their agendas.
3. Pursue yourself. When we pursue other people, they will do anything they can to remain free. I don’t want to be pursued by anyone other than the one I have my eye on. One of the most toxic ideas out there is the idea that relentless pursuit will win over the person we desire. It will not. Relentless pursuit is repulsive. I already said no thanks, so you harping on the subject will only make you look creepy.
An average woman is constantly bombarded by offers for sex, attention, a chance, and offers to get to know her. If women wanted to be pursued by random men everyone would be paired up by now. Men are pursued too by women who have plans for them, long before they are even aware. But unless the object of your desire has indicated clearly “I want you, I am interested in you” you are wasting your time.
Rather than pursue other people, pursue yourself. All that effort you put into attracting a mate should be placed on you. You shouldn’t pursue knowledge, interests, hobbies to become more attractive to the opposite sex, you should only pursue them if they satisfy you and only you.
4. Be genuine. There is nothing you can do to not be you. So what purpose is there to investing in special effects that will make you seem more shiny? You will never cover up your oddities, weirdness, nerdiness, or psychological disorders with makeup or a sexy costume. Instead, you’ll piss off the object of your desire for not disclosing earlier you are living on a diet of anti-depressants. Sooner or later, the real you will have to come out. And the real you will be evaluated and judged by a mere human who either wants that, or doesn’t. There will be nothing you can do about it.
I don’t have the magic formula for attraction. What I do know is that all this pursuit of relationships is backfiring on everyone. Relationships have become a national obsession, and there is an industry to answer every one of our burning needs, that we should be satisfying ourselves. Relationships have become a trade, and there is nothing more repulsive that a person trading themselves in exchange for a temporary high of being able to change their Facebook status to “In a relationship” for a few days.
I love to observe people, especially in a social setting. I run a big social network, and have been throwing parties for single professionals for almost two decades. What I have learned from watching people is what I already posted above: The people who pursue relationships the hardest, are the most miserable people on earth. Prior to any event I receive inquiries from attendees: Will so and so be there? Is he/she single? Was so and so seen talking to another woman at your party? When they get to the party, that so and so is making an effort to avoid them. They know they’re being hunted.
What is so funny is that people are being transparent when they intend to be most discreet. A while ago I was dating a guy whom I introduced to friends at a party, but I wasn’t clear with our relationship status. I simply introduced him as a friend. To this day there are three women, showing up to local events looking for him, trying to place themselves under his nose, when he is totally aware of what they are doing. He even jokes about how easy they would be, simply because he notices how much effort they put into looking great, walking past him multiple times, and acting nonchalant. So stop trying, you’ve already been noticed and it didn’t work.
Do you think I will be more interested if you ask me out one more time? It’s amazing to me how people think that if I recently got out of a relationship, that is a brand new opportunity to ask me out again. Some people even think that I must regret not saying yes before, because the man I chose instead was obviously the wrong choice. Do you want me now? No. Will I regret not giving you a chance, when I am 74 and still single? No.
Attraction is a mystery. It has been a mystery since the dawn of mankind, and so far, no one has been able to make sense of its random, chaotic, nonsensical mix of brain chemicals, physical traits, sex organs, mating dances, social aptitude, intelligence, or psychological profiles. If there was a formula, it would make dating predictable, painless and boring. Maybe that is the mark of a dullard, that person who is looking to check off a list of things they have done to earn our approval or score a relationship with us. That sap learning from a list of 101 qualities you must possess to find a mate, is the one posing as someone he is not. That woman enrolling in a course in awakening her inner dimwit for the third time, is the one who is looking for something that will never be there.
Attraction is supposed to be a mystery. How else would dating be fun and intriguing? Why spoil it will rules to follow, or trying to figure out the opposite sex? It is the unknown, the unquantifiable, the inexplicable that is attractive.
If you are exactly what someone is looking for, you fit their plan, their agenda, their equation, they will take you. Temporarily you’ll balance out a chemical equation and satisfy a need. But we all grow, we all move and we are constantly changing, so how long can you possibly be exactly what the other needs?
But if we accept the fact that attraction is chaos, there is beauty to the ever changing mess of human needs and a constant growth of wantingness, then we understand that it is okay for attraction to be random, inexplicable and undefinable. We become okay with being exactly who we are, and non-concerned about how we fit in.
If you need a mate before your deadline, one who fits your list of must-have qualities, by all means, sign up for a course, transform yourself, and become whatever the other needs. You’ll need a library full of books, dating and relationship coaches, financial and legal experts who will settle the agreement and tangle you into an unbreakable contract. But if you have a you, if you have a life, if you have a purpose and know how to enjoy it, then what difference does decoding attraction make?
There is nothing more unattractive than pursuing a relationship like it is a project and trying to be someone you are not. There is nothing more unattractive than investing in beauty treatments, signing up for courses, believing that your actions will amount to guaranteed interest. They won’t. You’ll turn off armies of people, and still not find the one. With that course of action you will find a lonely, desperate willing participant who also just wants to tie the knot and get it over with. Why not quit the mating game, and enjoy all the beautiful people who are in your life already?
Everyone you could possibly date is right in front of your face. But they too have their nose buried in the latest Dating for Dummies bestseller. Real people do not need to be deciphered nor decoded. If you’re sleepable, we’ll say yes, if you’re not, keep walking. People who value themselves, won’t compromise on someone who they are not attracted to. If you are looking to date out of your league, and trying to score a 10 when you are only a 6, well, there’s an entire profession for that.
This industry peddles mostly to people of low self-esteem, and narcissists who want a trophy rather than an equal. Don’t buy into that, and you’ll be just fine. Really, all you need to do to score a date is take a shower and brush your teeth every day, go out in daylight so people know you exist, and when asked out, show up and be present.