Sexually Dissatisfied, But Silent

This discussion started among the Goddesses in the private forum, and quickly turned into a heated debate.  One of us shared a news article about a woman who divorced a man who didn’t disclose to her he was impotent, then suffered through years of shaming and bullying by his family to remain silent on the issue to spare him the embarrassment.  Another woman shared an opinion post about how women often submit to sex with a highly unattractive men for fear of negative repercussions of backing out. Sometimes it’s just easier to grin and bear it, than make a last minute escape.

 

This is something that has been on my mind for years. When a man is sexually dissatisfied he is perfectly entitled to find pleasure elsewhere. Not only will he seek it, he will make sure everyone is aware of his sexual conquest. Everyone must know that in demanding satisfaction, (no matter what the emotional pain is to his partner), he has just ordained himself a real man.

 

But what about the women? Are we allowed to voice our dissatisfaction? More often than not, the women stay silent. They might confide in a friend, they might seek therapy discretely, they might cry about it for years, but as soon as she tries to talk about it she is urged to stay quiet for a multitude of idiotic reasons: the marriage or relationship is more important than sex, there are other ways she could please herself, true love is not about sex, and the all too prevalent one, never hurt a man’s ego. In fact, most women are afraid of just that, his ego.

 

I know very well what happens when a man’s ego is bruised. I have done it all too many times, in the workplace, in my home, with platonic friends, and exes. Sometimes the consequences of bruising a man’s ego are mild, sometimes they are silent and deadly, and other times they are irreversible.  Each time I spoke up against some injustice, exposed a coward, demanded fairness or proved him wrong there were consequences to my paycheck, my reputation, my job security. Not one time did my words go unpunished.

 

But most women are very familiar, some even experts on the subject of making a male feel like a man, even when he doesn’t have an inch of manhood to speak of. In fact most women are very adept at pushing his needs and satisfaction forward, while accepting mediocre sex, and ignoring his ineptitude as something that is just plain normal.

 

For how many centuries were women instructed that true love is not about sex, and to keep a man happy, she must forego her own needs? As I chat with older men and women, I am shocked that both sides agree that this is normal and how a man should be treated. The older a woman is, the greater the likelihood that she has been faking it since 1969, and the older a man is, the greater the likelihood that he feels entitled to the illusion. I have a lot of foreign friends who simply believe that verbally expressing sexual dissatisfaction, or asking for better sex is something only horrible women do.

Aside from bad relationship sex which comes with its own consequences, there is bad casual sex, which is probably even worse. Imagine discovering for the first time that the guy is too small. What do most women do? Most women are taught that once he is turned on, or his clothes are off, it is too late to back out. There are serious consequences to that. But what if what she sees is a total turn-off for her?  What is the appropriate way for a woman to back out of this situation and still preserve her dignity?

 

At this point most people would blame the woman for being in this situation in the first place. Obviously, she is at fault for not taking more time before sex, leading a guy on, manipulating him in some way, and of course they think she is at fault if she backs out of it. Most women chose the less consequential option, and just close their eyes. At the end, he congratulates himself on a job well done, while her stomach turns.

 

I swore many years ago that I would never be in a sexually dissatisfying relationship again. I’d rather be single, than fake attraction to a man who can’t do anything for me. I have learned that there are consequences to not speaking up: emotional numbness, resentment, sexual frustration, but most of all, this kind of relationship does not honor me. I refuse to be there. I know many women suffering in silence, and it isn’t for a lack of trying.

 

Here are some common consequences to voicing dissatisfaction to an insecure man:

 

  • Violence, rage, conflict. We all know most women are just plain scared of it, and will do anything to avoid it.
  • Accusations like: “It’s not me, you are just frigid”. Deflecting blame and not accepting any responsibility for his performance, then convincing her it is her fault.
  • False rumors and fictitious stories are enough to scare a lot of women into silence.

 

This last example is all too common. I hear the stories on a regular basis. He was too unattractive for her to sleep with, he took her rejection like a gentleman, then offered her a ride home. The next day there are stories about her, and for some reason her colleagues believe she hooked up with a 300 pounder whom even a prostitute would reject. Everyone saw the nice guy offer her a ride, and everyone saw her get into his car, therefore his story must be true. This is how most women get bullied into silence. If this has ever happened to you, you know exactly how revolting this is. The men take it as a joke, nothing really happened, so what are you complaining about? The woman would rather face a firing squad that look the repulsive looser in the eye.

 

What’s truly unfortunate is that most men are overly confident about their sexual prowess. There are decent men out there who want to be better lovers, but they’ll never learn because women keep faking it. And there are douche-bags out there who give themselves an A+  for their 4” dick and post photos of every conquest online. How many women could be spared the horror of seeing him naked, if we only talked about it? Men are perfectly comfortable comparing our bra sizes in public, so why can’t they take the same dose of reality?

 

In my experience, the more boastful a man is about his masculinity, the more he is compensating for. This observation proves true each and every time. That guy, who refers to himself as a real man, pounds his chest and grunts like a gorilla, the one listing all his conquests, whose stories always conclude with him being the winner of a failed relationship, is the one who is overcompensating for something. He is publically patting himself on the back, acting like the man, while she is in silence, hoping he will lose her number sooner rather than later.

 

The best men I have ever met are the ones who have nothing to prove. Yes, that shy silent one who doesn’t assume he is a gift from god, that guy who politely asks for permission to take you on a date and actually makes an effort is the one who will be the most attentive in bed. The one who isn’t flashing a gold Rolex, the fancy sports car, or telling stories of dating super models, is the one who will assume that you are pleased or tell you to deal with it when you’re not.

 

But, so many males are confused about why they can’t find a partner. I remained friends with a guy who just couldn’t satisfy me in bed for a few months after the breakup. And I still could not tell him the real reason I had to let him go. Instead, I made up some lame excuse about other responsibilities, work, bullshit.  Yes, he had other talents, most small guys have a menu of alternatives. But none of them worked. Yes, I could see he was trying to please me, which made him a really nice guy. And yes he was ready to commit way too soon. But there was absolutely nothing he could do for me, and this guy was totally unaware of how he stacked up compared to other men. He continued to pursue many women, and most would leave after that first interlude. I felt bad about him for years, but I could not bring myself to tell him the truth.

 

But the fact is that had he known what his actual problem was, he could have had a better estimation of what he could do for women. This was a very handsome, smart man, who like most guys who keep failing at the dating game developed some bad conclusions about women. He thought all women were just using him for sex, when in fact each would leave after the first experience. So, he started boasting about his conquests, even started cheating to be more of a man, making him less attractive to women who would have been willing to overlook his problem. Men get hurt just as much when they are not told the truth.

 

It isn’t fair. Women’s bodies are judged openly and it is normal to be rejected for being too fat, too skinny, no curves. But when men are unattractive, too small, or just plain repulsive, they are not allowed to know about it. And if we try to communicate it, most men refuse to believe it. Narcissism is all to prevalent among men, and many feel they are entitled to women who don’t find them attractive. One even asked me “Why do you need to be attracted to me?”

 

Perhaps, this call to be more open and honest with men about our sexual dissatisfaction could be the perfect screen to see whether a man is datable. It’s amazing what we can see in a person if we are willing to be objective and simply observe. Just by listening to him talk, you can hear if he is boasting, exaggerating, over-compensating. How does he truly feel about his ex? Does he proclaim himself to be the winner of that breakup? How does he handle even a hint of dissatisfaction from a woman? Does he think all women are bitches, whores, or out to get him? Trust me, how he sees women tells you exactly who you are dealing with. You don’t need to get to the bedroom to find out who he truly is.

 

Men are insecure, just like we are. Why give them credit for their manhood before they have actually proven it? Why treat him like a man, when no woman would agree? His exes aren’t crazy, and they’re not all out to get him, chances are most would rather forget about him. We give men way too much credit than most of them are worth.

 

There are very few men who can have this conversation without getting angry. The few who can, are the healthy men. They deserve applause for being able to approach the subject rationally. They ones who are interested in learning what they can do better are the ones we should treat like real men. They deserve the honor.

 

Times are changing and tables are slowly turning. I love how our generation has been willing to talk about all those subjects previous generations wouldn’t speak of. We have confronted every taboo topic, exposed it for what it truly is, and of course there are people who cannot handle it. But change is happening anyway, and it will work in the favor of the younger generation, like it or not. The more we talk about those subjects we swept under the carpet, the more likely we are to benefit from the outcomes.

 

By now I have been called all kinds of things. Where I used to cringe, cry and beat myself up for feeling their judgment, I now stand proudly confident in my own words. Each an every time I have faced a screaming, angry, threatening man, I learned that he is acting up because he can’t handle the truth. My words have hit a nerve, and he is reacting in rage.  I let them stand there in their rage. I’d rather other women see for themselves how easy it is to expose a coward, and how much more power they have when they speak their truth.

 

No I don’t beat up men, judge them, nor shame them. Men are humans too, and most are looking for exactly the same things we are. Love, trust, honesty. But, when an emotionally unstable man tries to prove his masculinity at my expense, I don’t accept that, and I don’t let him get away with that. I know that the only way to prevent a false story, or bullying is to not pretend he is more of a man than he actually is. If you give a bully credit for his power, you empower him ever more. Expose him discreetly, and he wouldn’t bully anyone else. He’ll go crouch in the corner with his tail between his legs. But he won’t risk being exposed.

 

S

 

 

 

 

 

 

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