Respect The Friend Zone

You are in my friend zone, because you are not sleepable. Yes, I know, I am in your friend zone, because you think I’m sleepable. Maybe you have a girlfriend right now, maybe you are soon to be divorced, but you think if we are hanging, I could be yours in the future. No. I hang out with you, because I see you as a friend. Just a friend.


I have never been interested in dating in my friend zone. In fact, the friend zone is for all those nice guys who 1) I have had a professional relationship with, and they are interesting enough to keep in my network 2) people I have been genuine friends with for a long time, 3) non-creepy men who are in my social circle, and above all 4) not attractive enough to hook up with and 5) not desirable enough to have a relationship with. If you are a nice guy, or if we share an intellectual interest, you are in my friend zone. Why? I like your mind, or I like your personality, I may even like your heart, but I have no interest in anything beyond a platonic connection. As cold as it sounds, you are in my friend zone because you are a No.


Guys always ask me, how do I get out of your friend zone? You don’t. You can stop being my friend, and I’ll always be okay with that, but there is nothing you can do to make yourself sleepable. If you distance yourself, hoping I will somehow find you more attractive outside the friend zone, you are being illogical. If you aren’t attractive here, why would you be more attractive way over there?


It happens often, and it is irritating to most women I know. That guy who has always been a friend is suddenly available, and he thinks his female friends want to be asked out on a date. But how do you think this looks from a woman’s perspective?  You have been posing as a genuine friend for years because you thought you’d have a chance some day, but that makes you a fake friend. How do you think it feels to find out that the nice guy you have been sharing all your personal info with, has only been there for you all these years because he had ulterior motives? Was that a true friend?


In the last six weeks, this has happened to me three times. I am not upset to be losing a friend. By now, this has happened so many times, that I won’t shed a tear. In fact, I feel sorry for the guy. Each friend of many years, started dialing his contacts within hours after his breakup. Pathetic, to be calling his friends to see if they would be interested in dating them.


If I think a man is sleepable, or datable, or worthy of a relationship, the last thing I would do is call him a friend, hang out in ambiguity to see what happens, go on group dates, talk business, or ignore his IMs, There would be only one way to start anything, and that is on a clearly defined date.


A clearly defined date is one where one person asks the other person on a D.A.T.E. not an invitation to hang out sometime. If I sense we are hanging, you’re in the friend zone. If the invitation is ambiguous, it is not a date. If you invite me out to talk about potential business, and I actually showed up, it is because I am interested in business, not dating you.  Regardless of what your intentions are, if you don’t have the balls to ask me out on an actual date, nor the balls to take rejection, it is not a date. I might suspect you are trying something, but I will not qualify it as a date.


Over the years, I have found myself in many sickening situations that in no way qualified as a date. Most women I know have been in bad situations where she thinks it is a job interview or a business lunch, only to find out he has ulterior motives. Or that old college buddy you have too many drinks with, and after ten years of friendship he decides he is going to take his chances. Gross. Or the friend’s ex, who thinks that now he lost one woman, he can date her friends.


There is nothing worse than thinking you have a friend, only to find out that he is no friend at all. It dishonors our friendship, and reeks of desperation. Over the years a few of my closest male friends had developed feelings for me. Those friendships ended quickly, and not one of those guys won me over. Many of them were friends while I was in other romantic relationships, and were simply waiting for me to be free.


If a man is attractive both physically and intellectually, if I feel genuine chemistry and attraction, the last thing I would do is put him in the friend zone. He may be unavailable, he may be unattainable, he may even be impossible, and I am okay with admiring him from afar or never having him at all. It really doesn’t matter if I think of him as a hookup, a relationship, or marriage material, if he is attractive enough for me to want to date, I’ll make sure there’s no confusion.


I recently took an informal poll on the Goddesses private forum. Only 1 out of 19 women who responded said she would be open to dating a man who previously dated one of her friends. Personally, I wouldn’t touch him. Unless of course he was drop dead gorgeous, young and hot, in which case I’d make sure I am never seen in public with him J


The same goes for dating a close friend. Most women have that guy friend they tell everything to. That friend she goes to when she needs a male perspective on a relationship, the guy she shares all those strories she wouldn’t dare share with anyone else. Yes, that nice guy with a huge heart, is the one she’d like to fix up with a nice girl. He would be a great catch, but not for her.  If you are that guy, we truly appreciate your friendship, but if you want more we will never be able to give it to you. It must be a painful position to be in, but you owe it to yourself to remove yourself from it.


All joking aside, accidents and hookups happen. But do you really want to be that person waiting and hoping that one day your friend will see you as anything other than a friend?  Personally, I’d rather know clearly where I stand with someone, even if I have to accept rejection. Ambiguity is torture for both parties and almost always leads to confusion and crossed signals.


But there is a logical reason for the friend zone. It means I see you as a friend. It means, you are in the safe zone where I don’t have to worry that you will try anything, and we can hang out, talk, build a genuine friendship with no ulterior motives. Who is in my friend zone? Every nice guy I know whom I don’t feel attracted to. You can stop being my friend, but my disinterest will never change. Like Seinfeld said, 99.9% people on this planet are unsleepable. I have never hooked up with someone I don’t find attractive, so this isn’t something you earn by patiently waiting in the friend zone.

Respect the friend zone.




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