Are you the person that the person you want is looking for? How do you know if you qualify to be with the person you are interested in? I know there are a lot of people out there who don’t believe that they should have to qualify for anyone, I talk to them every day. Many believe think they should be able to have that one they have their eye on. Almost always, as I talk to them I find out that they have egotistical views of themselves and feel entitled to that one who wants nothing to do with them. Men and women do this to themselves all the time- they set their eyes on that perfect mate, and when he or she has absolutely no interest, they commit themselves to arguing their way into a relationship. “What do you mean you are not attracted to me? Why do you have to be attracted, can’t you see how awesome I am? Don’t you know a real man when you see one? I’m entitled to a chance.”
As far as I know, no one ever succeeded in arguing their way into a relationship. Healthy people can respect that attraction must flow both ways, incomplete people cannot. If only he knew how amazing I am? There must be something wrong with her if she won’t give me a chance.
But, most often we simply do not match the person we are interested in. Our view of ourselves is drastically different from their perception of us. I see myself as the most loving, kind, fair, strong, intelligent, intuitive, empathetic woman of high integrity. Friends who actually know me on a deeper level might agree. But, very often, and this I have verified countless times, people who only know me through social media have a drastically different opinion of me. Yes, The One is not interested in me at all. Painful? Yes. But I have to accept the fact that I probably don’t qualify for him at all. Do I suffer from low self-esteem, that I don’t think I have anything to offer? No. I am a grown up, a healthy person can accept that they may not measure up.
A wise man once said “We don’t get the person we desire, we don’t get the person we want, instead we get the person we already are”. So who am I? I have written about this topic so many times, and by now you know I have always dated people who match me on some level. Externally and superficially, they look drastically different from me. But on a deeper, internal level, this person has always matched me, mirrored me, reflected back who I am on an inner level. I admit, I may not be happy with the people I dated in the past, because they didn’t always meet my lofty expectations, nor did I meet theirs. However, we were a perfect match at the time, because all those issues that I still have with myself, yes, the ones I never reveal to any human being, were always reflected by the other. My ugly, was always their ugly. And once we got close enough to discover that within each other, we started to have a problem. And this is why some relationships combust. A lot of people who are not self-aware explode in anger when they see the other matches them perfectly, just not on a positive level. The other person shows them their inner demons, their own self-loathing, and suddenly this other person is no longer acceptable. But, if we are healthy adults, and have a shred of self-awareness, we can actually learn from studying our reflection in the other person.
Regardless of who we envisioned for ourselves, the person we actually qualify for, the one we perfectly match, is likely to be drastically different than who we have our eye on. Many of us think with our egos, rather than our hearts. And when we fantasize about our perfect human, we egotistically paint a picture of a person who meets our highest ideals. That’s quite lovely, until we actually meet someone who possesses those qualities, and we are shocked when this person sees no value in us at all. I get this all the time. Some man out there has identified me as his perfect wife, and now he is messaging, arguing, demanding to be given a chance. I am watching this scenario play out for the thousandth time and am wondering how in the world this person fathom that I am his match? He doesn’t even know me, and he doesn’t even care. In his head, I look just like the one he picked out for himself, and he is angry that I refuse to see how amazing he is.
I know, the word ‘qualify’ sounds egotistical and arrogant. People are often dismayed when asked how well they qualify for the person they want? How well do they even know that person on an inner level? Most often they know nothing at all, because the person looks and acts like their target mate, but they don’t even accept that this human has a soul, they have a heart, and that their wants and needs are drastically different.
Our relationships, every single one of them, are a reflection of what is right within us, and what is wrong with us. Recall every single ex, and objectively analyze what was right about this person and what was wrong. Every single time you will see that what was wrong, was also wrong within us. Not many people can bear to see this, so they ignore this painful lesson and keep dating the same person over and over again. The same person in a different body.
But I am a big fan of self-reflection, and am constantly working on my inner identity. My goal is not to find someone to settle down with, my goal is to meet the most loving, open, self-aware person of high integrity and strong character, who reflects back all I have learned, and all the work I have done on myself. Yes, I have a high perception of myself. I know the hell I walked through many times, I know who I am inside and out, and can only take seriously a man who has also done the work. It very much helps if he is tall, young and exceptionally handsome 🙂 But I want someone who is deep, emotionally stable and whole, psychologically healthy, an independent thinker with unique perspectives on a wide range of topics. I want someone who understands the inner me, so how can I possibly be a match to that goon who looked me up online, saw what he wanted, and is now knocking on my door demanding consideration. No.
One of my closest male friends is probably one of the hottest men in town. And women are always messaging me, asking for an introduction. He may be impressive on paper, and that is all they see- they see the perfect husband. Each has identified him as The One. Yet not a single woman has a clue who he is on an emotional level. Not one of these women has asked me Who is he on the inside? What is his heart like? Where does he bleed?
One of these ladies is his age, also gorgeous, highly educated, she has the credentials to match. She keeps harping on the fact that she is more qualified to be with him than all the other candidates, if only he would be impressed with her PhD, and notice that she is his equal. He met her, and he walked away. She is confused. Did he hear that she has the same degree that he has? He must not have, because if he did he would know that she is better for him than all the rest. Because she keeps asking me to introduce her to men, I asked her what she is looking for in a mate. And of course she has a list of a dozen superficial qualities and deal breakers, none of which reflect who my friend is at all. Does she qualify to be with him? Not one bit. But she doesn’t care that his heart is much stronger, she doesn’t care about his own battle with his inner demons, and his own fight for survival. She doesn’t consider his wounds, his scars, his fears, his terrors, nor that he is still bleeding, because she is sure she can become whoever he needs her to be. If I set them up on a date, he would leave in 5 minutes and I wouldn’t blame him. She would harp on her credentials as a good girlfriend with an M.R.S degree, and he would be very much turned off.
We have to qualify for the person we desire in our life. If we are truly looking for someone who matches our soul, then how can we evaluate people by their resumes and their degrees? How can we evaluate people by their social media profiles, their hip to waist ratios, their real-estate assets, their social prominence, their job titles? These are all external characteristics that have nothing to do with the actual human.
So how do we qualify for the one we desire? So often, we humans attain MBA’s, we buy fancy degrees, yet we flunk at relationships over and over again. We may be highly accomplished in all areas of life, but are failing at connecting on a deeper level. We make relationship choices prematurely, based on superficial facts, people’s willingness to give us what we want, but have yet to begin to do the inner analysis of ourselves to truly understand how we stack up to the other person. We think because we have reached a certain stage in our lives that we are ready, yet on an emotional level we are still kindergarteners. I can’t tell you how many grown adults who are seeking a spouse seriously, have the emotional intelligence of a child, and simply demand that the person they envisioned for themselves gives them a chance. But they are not a match on an inner level at all.
Very often a pigeon wants to marry an eagle. This is the case for both men and women. We see the other flying very high, we have always wanted to do the same, but we just never got around to doing the work on ourselves. We never got over that fear of heights, never strengthened our wings, never sharpened our talons, never went in for the kill, in fact, we have no clue how to hunt at all because we have been feeding on free bird seed. Very often a pigeon sees an eagle and says to himself, That’s for me! I can be with an eagle. I have wings, I know how to fly, so what if I can’t hunt? When the eagle falls in love with me, he will hunt for me. The eagle will be for me, what I never was for myself. The eagle will take me to new heights, I’ll see the world from a whole new perspective, and people will admire me because I am riding on the back of an eagle.
The pigeon doesn’t see that to the eagle, he is just an unsavory snack. Even rats have more meat on their bones. There’s juicier meat out there, and eagles love to hunt. In fact pigeons are fairly common, so common that most eagles ignore them in favor of wilder prey. The pigeon fails to notice that no high-flyer wants a pigeon on its back.
To be equal to me, you have to be of the same frequency. Intellectually, you must be able to quantify your beliefs. Spiritually, you must have walked through hell and back multiple times, and found your true self in that hell. You must be okay with that. To be my equal, you must know yourself inside and out, so well that when I reflect back your ugly, you must respect that our monsters are the same. You must respect and absolutely match my level of personal development. You can’t claim to understand me, you must actually know and be me. You’ll never fool me, I can smell you a mile away. It’s in your eyes, its in your presence or lack thereof, it’s in your posture, it’s in your frequency.
Many people out there are forcing themselves to enter relationships when they themselves have not even embarked on that painful path of personal development. You cannot assume that just because you are of a certain age, you are wise enough to be my match. Wisdom is a matter of life experience, failure, pain, agony, loss, suffering, freedom, rebellion, brushes with death, elation, developing fearlessness, earth-shattering orgasms, brazenness, multiple crashes. Have you freed yourself from your chains yet? No? Then how can you qualify for someone who has?
You must be complete. You must have a life’s mission, and wanting to find the one is not a mission at all. You have to be happy with yourself. You have to be consistently reaching your goals. If you are still failing at hitting your goals, you should be more focused on that. If you are so hungry for a mate, you are not ready to even look for one. You will repel every complete person in sight. A complete person will not date someone who is starving. People who are emotionally starving for a mate, are like zombies ready to take a bite out of your soul. Been there, done that, and they ate me alive.
A solid match is a person who matches you on the level of work you have done on yourself. Your process must be complete for a healthy person to see something in you. Whatever you don’t like about yourself will be matched by every person you date, over and over again, until you realize that you haven’t done the work, you are still incomplete, and the other person has nothing to do with that.
Qualifications go far beyond a resume. Show me your battle wounds, your scars, your poorly sewn stitches, your hemmorhage. Boo-hoo you had your heart broken multiple times by a mean men. Show me what you learned, how you recovered, how you survived, and then sky-rocketed. ‘Oh, I have yet to sky-rocket, I am waiting for the one, and we will sky-rocket together.’ No you won’t. Unless you have learned how to turbo-boost your way from your inner abyss to exceptionalism, he or she has nothing to learn from you. You can do nothing for a complete person unless you are complete yourself.
I know only a handful of complete people, who I can truly say are exceptional humans. Not one of them is waiting nor looking for The One. They often turn away suitors and infuriate prospects because eagles have no desire for a pigeon. No matter how he fluffs his feathers, the pigeon can do nothing for the eagle. An eagle can only respect someone as fierce, as tough, as prideful, as focused, as fearless, as limitless as he is, and the rest of us must respect that.
So how do you stack up compared to the person you desire? Is he or she an eagle? You will never fool an eagle making him believe you are his equal. If the eagle won’t give you a chance, it’s because from miles away he smells that you are a pigeon.
Life is rough and we all must learn to survive. Beggars can’t be choosers, so if you are unfinished, you have a lot more work do, and much more respect to earn.
The best people in the world are not looking for a wife or a husband. The best people, the ones everyone desires, the eagles, are not looking for anyone at all. Eagles know how high they fly, and that at those heights only a few can survive the cold, thin air. They know what it takes to reach the sky, they are not looking at the earth below to find a mate. They fly high, knowing in full confidence that the one they mate with will fly on their level.