How To Date On Your Own Terms

The number one quality I look for in a man is my own interest in him. This really should be the top requirement in getting to know a person, going on a date, and pursuing a relationship. My interest precludes all other qualities he could possibly possess. It precludes his niceness, his willingness, his academic and work qualifications, his psychological profile, his physical attractiveness. If I personally have no interest, there is nothing he can do about it. This sounds cold, and I get a lot of disapproval from both men and women. So, I often ask women why do you date men you have little to no interest in?

 

Most women will tell you that they give nice guys a chance. They date for the opportunity to meet someone. They date to get to know someone. But, later, when they get into situationships with people that are pointless, fruitless, or dissatisfying, they have no concrete understanding how they ended up in this situation. That’s obvious, you are dating people you don’t necessarily want, people who don’t truly turn you on, even people who asked you out, simply because no one else did. All those reasons are ridiculous. You are choosing from the lowest hanging fruit.

 

We all date for different reasons, and all reasons are valid. Some women date to hook up. That’s perfectly fine, except when they are hooking up with men who don’t actually turn them on. The next day they wonder why the whole experience was so empty. They took a willing participant, not someone they actually felt physically attracted to.

 

A lot of women want a real relationship. That’s nice, but why are you dating men who you don’t know qualify as relationship material? Why are you trying to get to know a person on superficial levels (does he pay for dinner? Does he open doors? How quickly does he respond to texts?”), and ignoring important qualities you want in a relationship: the ability to connect on an emotional level, a clean history of solid long-term relationships, inner character, a spine would be nice. A man whose word is important to himself is far more valuable than a man whose words change depending on the situation. Wouldn’t you rather know if he has balls or even self-esteem before you get invested in him?

 

Some women want to get married and start families, yet they consistently date men who dangle those things in front of their faces like a carrot on a stick. Then they wonder why they have to chase him and his carrot stick for years, and still don’t have the relationship they want. Women in this situation often admit that he isn’t that great, that they are actually just chasing marriage. They could have marriage easily, if they only dated men  who qualified first.  Do you see what a waste of time it is to start dating someone with the wait and see what happens attitude? Maybe one day he will be ready, maybe one day he will be serious, maybe one day he will decide for her that it is time to get married.  Sorry ladies, but no Goddess I know has the wait and see attitude.

 

A lot of my friends, both male and female are reaching middle-age, and acknowledge a history of negative dating patterns, and psychological profiles of people they dated. The vast majority of women I know are repeating patterns with narcissists, pathological liars, men with egos so bloated, they only see it when it explodes in their face. Yet, in all their experience dating they have never questioned their own tastes, their own attraction points, their own preferences, and their own psychological issues that make them chase exactly those toxic qualities they despise so much.

 

I believe that the entire culture of dating, and our belief that we must keep connecting with people, and giving the wrong people a chance simply because they chose us, is exactly why every interaction with the opposite sex turns into a situationship rather than a relationship. The entire process of traditional dating stinks. I have been criticizing the dating culture, dating media and the dating industry for years, and still can’t understand why people (both men and women) buy into it. Do you really think that a dating manual will teach you how to apply the latest texting trick successfully and lead you to everlasting peace with someone? No, it will lead you into another bogus situation. If you are a grown up, and have experienced a lifetime of bogus dating situations, repeated patterns with people who have no ability to connect to you on your level, why are you dating at all? Why? Do you have an answer to that?

 

Is dating, and the race to score a mate really that important? Is it more important to you than your dignity? Is it more important than your inner peace? Is being alone such a deep seated fear that you must keep putting yourself out there over and over again for the bleak opportunity to secure someone mediocre? Much of the dating industry is just irrational fear mongering for women, and an ego trip for men who need it. Real people don’t connect using techniques. Real people connect on a deeper level, and that never happens by following a relationship manual.

 

When you met your closest friends, did you study a course outline? Did you take your friendships step by step, from a handshake, to drinks, to a phone call, to exchanging mindless texts, to building an actual friendship? No, you followed your instincts, hung out with people whose vibe you like, found your tribe, then opened up and allowed them time and space to open up to you too. Did you have a goal or an agenda when you met your best friend? Were you hoping from day one that it turns into a friendship of a lifetime? No, you weren’t that desperate, nor foolish. You allowed people whose company you enjoy to get to know you and vice versa.

 

You certainly did not attempt to build a friendship with a person you don’t like, a person whose views don’t necessarily mesh with yours, nor did you attempt to bond with the friend who demanded that you tell them where this relationship is going after three outings. You find your tribe based on your own personal interest, mutual attractiveness, and interest that is always equal. For some odd reason, it is very common for a woman to feel nothing for a man at all on the first date, then find herself still dating him months later, hoping that she will find something in him that she didn’t see on the first date.

 

I see women going on dates with men they actually have no interest in at all. Some women do this because no one better has asked them out. That is just a demonstration that she is willing to settle for less than great. Some women date to possibly make a friend. Some date for the sheer numbers, they believe the more men they meet the greater their chances are in meeting someone they could actually be with. Unfortunately, most women allow the man to first decide whether he wants her, and what he actually wants from her, and they go along with it, even when she has made no such decision for herself at all. Did you actually choose him, or did you allow him to choose you? “Umm, well, he asked me out, so I went” is usually the answer. But why did you spend an hour of your valuable time, having dinner and giving a chance to a person you aren’t actually interested in?” “Because he invited me to dinner and that is a nice gesture”.  Many women are simply responding to a kind gesture, so a lot of women have absolutely no idea how to choose.

 

I really believe that women should stop dating. Period. Disconnect form the dating industry, burn all your dating books so that no one else suffers the misfortune of subscribing to the insanity that dating culture exposes us to. Just stop. Take a time out, go on a man-diet, re-connect with yourself, find yourself, take a long time to think about who do you want. You should have a clear idea of the psychological and emotional profile of the person you would like to spend time with. Then take some time to understand how to spot those qualities, how to screen for narcissism, bloated egos, superficiality and deep insecurities. Read, study people, observe. Most of all, study yourself in all these situations.

 

If you have a lifelong habit of picking out narcissists, you have to fix yourself first. List all the grandiose or false qualities you were attracted to that later turned out to be a mask. Above all things, you must know yourself, your strengths and fatal weaknesses if you want to become a sharp observer and screener of people.

 

Never date a man unless you actually have a strong interest in him. If you don’t know him, there is no reason to give a stranger a chance at all. If you know nothing about a person, rather than start dating him and following dating rules and patterns, try not dating him at all.

 

How do I date? By not dating. I absolutely hate giving time to people who I am not attracted to, who I find unattractive on a physical, personal or a social level. I make no apologies for that. Next, I am usually getting to know a lot of people at the same time. I get to know them socially through friends, I observe them in a group setting, and try to determine who in my social circle respects them, and who they show respect to. Are they surrounded by drama, are they surrounded by phonies, or are they shrouded in mystery? Mysterious people who give off no signals and deflect direct questions are red-flags to me.

 

I look for non-date opportunities to get to know a person. At this point he probably has no clue that I am interested.  I organize a hike with a few people, so I can gauge the topic of our conversations and how he feels about important subjects. Recently, on a three hour drive to a retreat with a bunch of friends, I got to know two guys on a deeper level, simply by listening carefully to the topic of conversation on a long car ride. One was anti-choice and revealed himself to be a pro-lifer. Now I know I won’t be hooking up with that.  The other, who I was less interested in looks like he would either be a good friend with benefits, or someone to get to know better. Both of these guys asked me out on a date, and I am glad I did not participate in a traditional date with either of them. The pro-lifer admitted to hiding his political status on Tinder and from most of his dates simply because women tend to dump him up front. That means that he would have hidden that fact from me too.

 

When I meet someone I am interested in dating, I actually ask him out myself. I know that a lot of women are not comfortable doing this, but I think that remaining passive and only dating men who ask you out, leaves you at the mercy of the dating traditions and social norms. You won’t meet a soulmate when you are choosing from what’s available to you. I know how I feel about someone, I trust my own instinct, so why remain passive and give only chances to men I know I don’t want?

 

I get asked out a lot. My job is such that I meet a ton of people, and I am grateful for that. But I ignore 99.9% of people out there because I have learned that dating traditionally, and dating only men who ask me out is a complete waste of my life. He gets to date who he wants, but I have to choose from among those who tried their chances with me? No. Some guys will ask you out because they truly want you, while others are just playing the numbers game and asking every woman out. They get lucky, because a lot of high quality women give chances to men simply because they asked.

 

By dating on my own terms, I have freed myself from the dating game, or the actual rat race. I refuse to waste one hour of my time drinking wine and making eye contact with a man I find unattractive. I won’t dishonor myself that way. I refuse to then make nice, and say all those appropriately polite things, and lead him on to the next date when I really didn’t enjoy the first one at all. It is disrespectful to the man, it creates a false impression, and worst of all, the dishonesty makes me feel icky. Entertaining the possibility of someone I really am not interested in feels gross to me. I like myself too much for that.

 

There are times when I am not interested in any men at all. I make absolutely no effort to date then. The last place you will see my face is on a dating app. Why should any random schmuck have access to me and believe that he could have me at the click of a button? Personally, I wouldn’t place much value on men who are on Tinder either. They are playing the numbers game, they are available to all my girlfriends who screenshot their profiles then trade “look who I found on Tinder” in group chats. If everyone in the tri-state area can have access to a man, there’s no way he will be mine.

 

Now that I am no longer in the ugly rat race of dating, I am much more relaxed and unconcerned with men in general. My inbox is full of offers I don’t even read any more. I organize events, I attend parties and I only talk to men who I have identified as interesting. I don’t even acknowledge the men who are not dateable. I will approach someone and start a conversation, I will ask an acquaintance for an introduction, and I only give my phone number to people I actually want to talk to. I openly say no to men I don’t want to connect with, I don’t say it rudely but I make sure that I am clear. I have a card without a phone number for the persistent buggers, but I find that I no longer need to use it when I clearly state no.

 

Now, when I show up to a date, it is because I truly want to be there. The person who invited me has my genuine attention. I am not feigning interest, nor am I just going through the motions. If they don’t convince me on that one date that they are 100% available to me and only me, if they hint they may have better options, or are entertaining other women, I have no reason to be there again. I am there to enjoy myself, and I’m gone as soon as it is no longer pure joy to see that person.

 

The ball is in my court. I used to go on too many dates, then wonder why the experience always made me feel gross. That was because I was trying to get to know people I really didn’t want to know. Now I only go on a few dates, but they are quality time. If a person doesn’t seem to want to connect on anything but a superficial level, I bow out long before the dating process even started. I don’t need anything superficial. Sometimes I do, most of the time I don’t.

 

So, how do we get to the first date? Like I said, I have to be truly interested. After I have gotten to know him by not dating him at all, I then determine what if anything I want from him? Do I want a fling, is he truly relationship material? Is he grown up enough, and genuine enough for me? If yes, there are three additional things I must know before we get to the first date: Is he 100% available to me, is he 100% percent interested in me, is he 100% free and clear of past relationships? If he is dawdling, still looking or still attached to an ex, these are things I must know. I only date 100%-ers, and it is not enough that they are 100% interested in me. I first and foremost must be interested in him.  There’s no interest if I smell an ex or if I think he is dating other people. This may sound like a tall order for you, but the only men I interact with are the ones who are 100% interested and available. You might think they don’t exist, but I say there are armies of them who are willing to be 100% to a quality person. You won’t meet the 100%-ers if you are giving chances to men you don’t want, and paying an ounce of attention to men who are just kicking the tires.

 

Do not date men who have shown you they have other options. They are not qualified. How much time and aggravation have you wasted dating people who are dating other people? By now you know they are not worth any effort. Only consider those who have openly stated their full interest and full availability. If you are not sure you believe him, it is because he isn’t believable. Don’t go there.

 

I perceive not dating as a super power. It is amazing how men up their game when they realize they don’t have your interest. It is my time to observe from a place of detachment. A lot of men and women feel like losers when they are not dating, so they quickly jump into the race only to find they actually don’t enjoy a single person. I have learned through self observation that I only feel like a loser when I am participating in dating just for the sake of dating. It feels awful to be on a date with someone I feel no interest in at all. It feels even worse to then go through the appropriate post-date motions of exchanging dull texts, making plans or politely and without hurting his feelings look for a way out. I’d rather not be there in the first place.

 

I also found that my time with men is of greater quality. By only meeting with people I actually am interested in, I find that I am more present on a date. I am enjoying myself more when I am truly interested in what he has to say.  I ask better questions when I am curious whether the person relates to me. I am much more likely to make an effort to actually know someone if I am happy to be in his presence. I feel no pressure to do anything at all. I am simply there for my own pleasure, and if he is not enjoying himself, or if I don’t meet his agenda, nothing has to happen.

 

Depending on my interest, something can happen but only when I want it to happen. That can be after a few dates, after a few weeks, or after a few months. It all depends on whether I want a hookup, a summer fling or a relationship. Everything happens on my own time, and I go no further if for any reason I feel uncomfortable.

 

No one has to invest in a relationship with me, I don’t prod people into giving me more time than they want. I relax and see what happens. If nothing is happening I don’t feel like I failed at some dating technique, I understand that there was no magic in that connection. It takes two people to create a spark. If only one of us lights up, there’s no magic. You don’t need three dates to see for yourself that there isn’t a mutual spark. If there is a spark, the whole relationship will power up right away.

 

I do date several people at the same time, or no people at all. Regardless, I am always getting to know someone on some level, whether they know it or not. By getting to know men by hanging out and not dating, I meet them with their guard down. You’d be surprised what you can learn when you are not dating him. A lot of men discount women who are not in their dating pool. This is the perfect time to get to know him. When you are not dating him, he won’t be on his best behavior, and if he thinks he has no chance with you, he is more likely to be his true self.

 

I almost started dating someone six months ago, then backed out once I saw him in a group setting. My first instinct was that this guy has issues that my eyes don’t see. So I observed. Hanging out with a bunch of friends I learned that his last ex filed a lawsuit. His previous one pressed charges against him, and his relationships tend to be with the most inappropriate people (coworkers, friend’s exes, even bosses). After a few hours of drinking, he made a fist and punched the table then turned it into a joke about the effect he has on women. I observed and I learned everything I needed to know about him that night. Would I have learned this had I actually started dating him when he asked me out? Chances are he would have been on his best behavior and after three dates I would have done something I regret, had I followed the ridiculous three date rule.

 

I suggest that you devise your own personal way for getting to know people. Following tradition will lead you nowhere, and force you to choose from the lowest hanging fruit. So many intelligent, successful, ambitious women I know are entertaining men who don’t qualify for a minute of their time. But they are only choosing from the men who asked them out.  Following your own instinct even when your instincts are wrong, will allow you to see yourself, discover your own deeper issues, your own flaws and readjust. Inside the private Goddess forum, I advise women to date less, not more. You don’t owe everyone your attention or time. Learn how to spot the characteristics of men who are toxic or just plain wrong for you up front.

 

I can now ask a few prodding questions as soon as I meet someone that allow me to see how he sees himself, how he perceives me, and what his agenda is. I don’t have to meet him for a drink to know he isn’t for me. I use my intuition and I trust it. I’d rather be wrong and lose a few people, than get into icky situations just because I ignored that first gut feeling.  The moral of the story is to make your own dating rules, become more in touch with your own self, figure out what kind of connection you want and screen for whether the person is even capable of that before you go down the dating path. I won’t date some schmuck simply because he wants me, and neither should you. And I certainly won’t choose from the lowest hanging fruit. The number one quality I look for in a man is my own interest in him.

 

S

 

 

 

 

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3 Responses to How To Date On Your Own Terms

  1. jennifer says:

    Thank you thank you thank you. I have been struggling with “dating” for a long time. Always reverting back to “there’s something wrong with me…why isn’t it fun?”. Now patience and reflection and true chemistry are my drivers. Hallelujah!

    Like

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