My taste in men is always changing. I used to think I was fickle and that I don’t know what I want. But that’s not true. I am constantly learning about myself, and constantly growing. The men who used to amuse me in my 30’s were only slightly more evolved from the men of my 20’s. In those years, life pampered and coddled me, I really had no reason to ask for better experiences, nor to know that there are more evolved men out there.
Then life threw me a few curveballs, major disasters and I crashed. I had no choice but to grow. Each year as I was experiencing growth, my taste in men changed too. The last 10 years have been an unbelievable process of self-reflection, self-development, inner work and awakening. This is when I experienced the widest variety of men. It’s not that I didn’t know what I want, it’s that each new and improved version of me was looking for a new equal.
There is nothing wrong with experiencing a lot, changing tastes, and learning from what different kinds of people bring to your table. There is something wrong with being married to the past version of you, and being over-focused on maintaining the old when a new version of you already exists. In my 40’s I have earned a much, much better man than I could have had in my 20s. Should I feel guilty because I couldn’t stay married to my ex past the 12 year mark? Should I feel guilty for having sampled all the chocolate in my candy sampler? Should I let people tell me I am too fickle for not staying committed to just one man? Nope. I am 46, and who would I be today if I felt guilty for exploring, growing, experiencing all kinds of men?
I often get criticized for moving on too soon, but today I know myself better than ever. In fact, I know myself so well that I know how well I am treating myself by the men I am choosing to entertain me. Some people are just not good enough for my company. At 46, I feel entitled to say that and not apologize for it.
That doesn’t make me superficial, it means that I am discerning. Do I owe every man who is applying for my time an opportunity with me? Nope. The 20 year old me, smiled at all men out of kindness and gave every opportunist her time. The 30 year old, knew a few things about personal integrity, enforcing her boundaries, and saying exactly what she means. The 40 year old version is already a force to be reckoned with. I already know with utmost confidence that not every man is my equal. Very few qualify for a few minutes of my time. I walk away from boredom, lack of intellectual stimulation, emotional underdevelopment, narcissism and egotism with ease. It took decades of my life to develop that kind of discernment about men through nothing but personal experience. Should I apologize for having a clear idea of what doesn’t serve me?
The reason for this post is that women are still apologizing for exploring all their choices. Not being able to stick to one relationship is labeled as lack of commitment. What makes commitment to mediocrity such an honorable feat? The media bombards us with horror stories about dating too freely, experiencing too much for our own good, being “spoiled and soiled” by bad men and unfortunate circumstances, when in fact true wisdom can only be earned from experiencing failure and much, much, much experience. Never be afraid of experience. Good or bad, and no matter how ugly, experience is the best teacher, and we simply can’t grow ourselves when we coddle our feelings and protect ourselves from life’s ups and downs.
Women whose experience is limited by propriety, religion, social boundaries and self-protection have a very limited view of themselves and their relation to men. With such limited exposure to the realities of physical and emotional relationships, their only experience in suffering is from a deep wantingness or neediness to attach herself to anyone who can coddle her into a feeling of emotional security. That need is childish and immature and will always land her into a relationship with a pseudo-parent who will lead her through life while she keeps her emotional blinders on. Is that a healthy adult?
We learn from suffering of all types. We learn from every crash, from every disaster, from every single breakup. The lesson is never about our partner. If you think that the lesson is about how rotten people are, and how you need to choose better men, you have missed the point of the lesson. The lesson will repeat itself for years, until you learn that the lesson is not about other people, it is totally about you. The lesson is about your self-respect, the strength and weakness of your personal boundaries, and where you stand in relation to the inner you, the Goddess. Your psychological health is always mirrored by the person you are faced with, and your personal strength and integrity are always measured by how often you choose you. How loyal are you to yourself when life presents you with the most painful relationships? That is the test of true character and awakening- how easily do you choose You?
Still have a hard time choosing yourself over the other person or the relationship? You have a lot to experience as a mortal before you can call yourself a Goddess. The good news is that there is no such thing as too much experience. And there is nothing wrong with trying on different men until you find one who suits you. Don’t be so married to the idea of commitment. The more you grow, the more you’ll find that men cannot suit you longer than a season. At times in your life you will slow down, you will stop to smell the roses, and you will enjoy men for longer periods of time. But you will never stop growing. As long as you don’t lower your standards and stop growing just to stay attached to one person or one experience, you will maintain long term relationships with quality people who have taken as much self-care and as much responsibility for their growth as you.
My 40’s have been all about quality. What I like about this point in my life is my confidence in being able to say that very few people qualify for my attention. That’s not because there is a shortage of good men, in fact, quality men are everywhere. I am more choosy because I enjoy my own time, my own space and my own company more than ever. Today, less is more. I no longer need to marathon date to continuously meet people, I spend much more time filtering people out. I have fewer friends of greater quality, and fewer romantic relationships with greater men. My relationship with myself is always far more important than any relationship a man can produce. I feel very content in my life.
I am curious what I will be like in my 50’s. I am not narcissistic enough to declare that I have learned all there is, nor that I am the ultimate authority on enlightenment. For sure, I will keep growing, and I will keep pausing to enjoy the men along my path. But, I have no way of predicting who I will bump into, nor how long we will enjoy each other. I am okay with not knowing everything.
The ultimate Goddess I met was in her 70’s. She was a good friend who gave me a solid primer on how to sample all the chocolate in my box, and inspired me to live life to the fullest. She was the fist woman I met who juggled multiple men, relished every moment, and taught me to never apologize for being experienced. She ultimately did meet Joey, her one true love. They are now in a long-term care facility together. But she admits that she couldn’t have met her equal, the man who is just as enlightened and full of life as she is, had she not sampled the best men that life has to offer.
So ladies, if you find that your taste in men is continuously changing, do not apologize. Know that you are always growing, and that the men must be quicker and wiser to keep up with your evolution. There is nothing wrong with having a fresh new man for each season. You don’t feel guilty acquiring shoes for each new season, so why feel guilty experiencing better and better men? Have you noticed that as you grow, the new men are always a better match to who you are than the men of previous seasons? Don’t be reluctant to grow yourself. When you meet a man who is as awake and as enlightened as you are, there will be no doubt, you will recognize each other in an instant. In fact, the recognition will be so glaring, you’ll both be blinded by each other’s glow. That moment when you recognize yourself in the other person is the moment you have truly found your equal.
You don’t stop for every mortal. A true Goddess can only be with a God. Until then, keep moving. Life will continue to give you better, and better, and better as long as you know that you are worth it.