Have you ever thought, hey, maybe it’s me? Maybe, there’s nothing wrong with him, him, nor him. Is it possible that something might be wrong with me? After all, aren’t these negative dating patterns happening to me? Not other people. Very few people can be so self-reflective to ask themselves that difficult question, could this pattern of self-sabotage, chasing the wrong men, allowing crossed boundaries, participating in toxic behavior indicate that I am toxic too? I said that once to a Goddess in training, and she got so angry at me, she turned beet red and screamed how can you say that to me? Well, if you keep finding yourself in toxic situations over and over again, if you keep repeating situationships with toxic men, it is quite likely that the pattern is your own and that you are toxic too.
It takes two to tango. No one can push you into a relationship you don’t want to be in, no one can make you text him at 2am all your frustrations, no one can play a mind game with you unless you willingly play too, you can’t stay in toxic relationships for months then expect to not be toxic too. So, is it possible that you have had many negative dating experiences, accumulated a lot of toxic beliefs and low expectations, and rather than work on yourself to shed those bad habits, you keep projecting them into men, expecting certain kind of treatment, and choosing men who fit a past pattern? They look and act familiar, they match your own level of toxicity, they are willing to meet you in your mutual mind game, and every time the relationship goes wrong, you feel validated that your belief system is true and that your predictions about the connection are quite accurate. It makes no sense to keep repeating the same pattern and blame the pattern on the other person, when the pattern is happening to you. It is YOUR pattern. It’s your own dating script. It is your relationship blueprint. Whom shall we work on?
Yet, a lot of men and women keep chasing the prize, marriage, relationship, a soul-mate, a binding agreement, not realizing that they are not healthy enough to even be in such a situation. What could you possibly bring to that new relationship? Your old self? That same old blueprint you tried and failed with a dozen times?
I have worked with some professional women who themselves are therapists, and they too are incapable of looking within, admitting their own broken love circuits, and who insist that bad relationships are happening to them because men are bad And then, I have met with some who are eager to do work on themselves, they immerse themselves in every latest spiritual and psychology book, they love their new therapist, and then they drop everything the very moment a man asks them out. ‘It’s working! My therapy worked, there’s a healthy man in my life!’ They drop everything and disappear, and a few weeks or months later, they have sunk to an all time low. Why? They never found out what is wrong with themselves.
If you don’t have the answers to the following questions, you really shouldn’t be dating anyone.
1) Can you describe your own toxicity? Many women answer this question with an answer that shifts the blame on the man. “Well, I keep selecting toxic men, so that is my problem”. Nope. What part of YOU is toxic? What are your own toxic habits? What beliefs and toxic thoughts do you keep playing in your head like a broken record? What past patterns do you keep chasing, and repeating again and again? Can you write a chapter on what makes you toxic? Women who have not done any work will have nothing to say about their own toxicity. They are sure that they are victims of flawed men.
2) Am I able to identify red-flags, questionable behavior, personality traits of toxic people, can I monitor my boundaries and successfully act when there is a security breach? Most women can spot the red flags in hindsight. They see questionable behavior up front, make an excuse for it, brush it under the carpet, and then wonder why they are blindsided by that same behavior later in the relationship.
3) Am I capable of exiting a toxic relationship quickly, without willfully being dragged into more drama? Again, most women don’t exit, most will stay in the situation as if it has more power over them than they do. But if you don’t know how to leave, why are you chasing relationships? All the pain in a situation stems from not being able to leave what is hurting you. If you are still not capable of leaving unhealthy people and situations behind, if you are hurt by having to act in your own best interest, then you are not healthy enough to date.
4) Do I have any addictions? Am I codependent? What unrealistic expectations do I have of men that they refuse to deliver? Should I change my expectations, or continue chasing men who refuse to give me what I want? A lot of women are addicted to rejection, addicted to relationships, addicted to mind games, addicted to their own toxic patterns. Many women ARE exactly what they accuse the men of being. The only way they can relate to a human is to control and manipulate, trade feelings for actions or behavior, then they wonder why he wants to escape control.
I will write a longer list of signs that you are not healthy enough to be in a relationship, and please add your own below. But, the healthy thing to do is to begin with yourself. Take a long time-out from men and relationships, and give yourself the time and space to figure yourself out. You are not going to lose out on some opportunity, there’s no shortage of men in the world. As long as women are here, the men are not going anywhere. That’s my guarantee. But if you keep playing with men on some low relationship level, it is because you haven’t graduated from that low level. You are on the same level as they are.
I highly recommend going on a man diet- no men, no relationships, no flirtationships, no dating for 1-2 years until you feel balanced and clear. What can you do right now, today, to reflect upon yourself?
Pretend that you are writing an autobiography about your unhealthy relationship habits. Write a few chapters about your own dating history, what repeated patterns have you identified in your own relationships, where did you learn these patterns, what have you not resolved that makes these patterns repeat. Pinpoint your own toxicity and what toxic habits do you bring into the relationship from day one. If you feel like blaming a man for a bad treatment, look within yourself to answer why you allow that treatment? Why do I keep interacting with abusive men after I have identified the abuse? Why do I open the door and let them in? What am I seeking from that experience? Why do I refuse to leave? Why do I refuse to say No? Don’t criticize yourself or beat yourself up. The purpose of this is to objectively identify your own toxic patterns and habits so that you can face them, understand them, and resolve them.
Bad relationships don’t keep happening to you, they ARE you. You are not ready for a new man, until you have stopped a repeating pattern from the past. And please don’t jump into relationships if you have trouble leaving them. Would you dive into a pool, if you don’t know how to swim? The relationship won’t take care of itself, a man won’t take care of it for you. You have to be able to take good care of yourself, and leaving a bad situation behind swiftly and easily is a sign of a healthy and self-respecting woman. Can you leave easily? Or do you complain when you have to save your life?