“If it’s free, it’s for me”. You have heard the expression. Some women can totally identify with the statement, while others find free stuff cheap, distasteful, and are offended by freebies. Why?
In business school, we learned “When something is free, you’re not the customer, you’re the product.” If you fill out a form to receive a free e-Book, you trade personal data for that free book which is then sold. I once won a free vacation, only later I learned that I unwittingly qualified for a 7-day sales pitch at a time-share.
Are you for sale? Take some time to think about that. How easily can I buy your attention, loyalty, agreement, support? Could a man buy that?
Don’t be offended, there is a lot you can learn here by being honest with yourself. The reason I bring up this topic is that I see that so many women sell their smile, congeniality, agreement in exchange for approval, free dinner, a business opportunity, an open door. And later, when they see the price tag of that free lunch, they are offended. What do you mean you expect sex in exchange dinner at a fancy restaurant? We never agreed to that?
We often find ourselves in uncomfortable situations with men who think that something they offer is a trade for something they want in return.
To some women this is even normal. In some cultures, dating and relationships are all about what the man can do, and women are expected to let him make a show of all that he has to offer, and in exchange shower him with attention and validation. They are comfortable trading a few hours of their time for whatever they get in return, dinner, a Chanel bag, etc.
But, nothing in life is free. And if you are willing to trade with men, don’t be offended nor surprised when they perceive you as “for sale”. A lot of guys are guilty of extending generous offers and playing “let’s make a deal” with women, but those same, generous males have no respect for the same women who accepted the offer. You’ve seen it happen before, he treats her lavishly for a few weeks, then accuses her of being a gold digger a week later, then trades her for a newer model. Why? No one can make a trade with you until you say yes.
Even when a guy is not douchey, yes, even quality guys look for signs that a woman is for sale. I know a lot of really good guys, and often interview them. They have been burned by women who expected to be treated lavishly, but she disappeared when it came time to have sex. Why? It is quite common for men to experience women like that, so they take great time and effort to screen out those who are for sale. Quality guys don’t respect women like that, and so they observe how much she takes, and how much she gives back or reciprocates.
Some women see nothing wrong with this. They confuse this “trade” with having high expectations. They think that expensive dinners, lavish gifts and prizes are just signs that a male respects them, values them, and is serious about them. But then they are surprised to find out that he can afford to buy the attention of three women at the same time, that he can afford to disrespect all of them, that he can afford to string them along, that he can afford to use them as validation, that he can afford to use them to boost his ego, and that he can afford to dump them because he owns their time and attention. Are those truly high standards?
This scenario goes both ways. It has happened to my successful female friends that men offer their body or loyalty in exchange for financial support. One minute they can’t be bothered to commit, the next minute he sees her tax return, and immediately wants a baby. Men think I have money, so it is quite common for me to receive commitment the minute they see my watch, my home, my car. Men can be gold diggers too, and they are far more common than anyone realizes/
When you were a child, did you mom teach you to not take free candy from strangers? Why did she teach you never to do that? What happens when you take the candy?
When you were a kid, did your mom teach you not accept a free ride from a stranger? Why did she teach you that? What happens when you accept that free ride?
I am not telling you not to go on dates, or trying to scare you about men. I am asking you to think long and hard about the terms of the offer before you say yes. What are you saying yes to? What exactly is being offered? What are his expectations? Most importantly, do you appreciate this person or are you sticking around to see what you get?
A guy asks you out, and he is of no interest to you whatsoever. Either you don’t find him attractive, or he is not your type, whatever the reason, you said no. He then sweetens the deal and tells you that he will take you to the best restaurant in town, and it’s all on him. Now do you say yes? Why? If you weren’t into him before he offered a lavish dinner, what makes you interested now?
I know a few very successful women who will compromise, and go out with anyone who offers something lavish because hey, it’s a free. What’s the harm in trading an hour of her time, in exchange for a five star meal? They keep accepting offers simply because he is giving away something for free. After three dates he expects sex, he has invested enough money. But, now she is not into him, and politely declines. Things quickly get ugly. He gave enough, in fact he gave a lot. Dates aren’t supposed to be about money, but they are about expectations.
Have you ever been that woman who keeps giving, giving, giving herself, and gets nothing in return from men? Now you know how it feels to buy, buy, buy, and get nothing in return.
I am not defending slimy men here. I am pointing out that we all have expectations that we don’t discuss up front. Our expectations are usually implied, we go through with the dates, and when one of the people gets nothing in return, one of them will surely feel cheated. One person will be accused of taking advantage, while the other will feel cheated out of money or time.
When we don’t want the man, but accept the free dinner, free vacation, free gifts, we are cheating both of us. You are not just making a bad deal with the guy, you are selling yourself out too. How does it feel to sell your attention or your time in exchange for food?
Personally, I only accept the date if I am genuinely interested in the man. I may not know him well, but I have to genuinely want to know him. If I don’t, I don’t let him buy my time. My time or attention are not for sale.
Sure, some guys get annoyed that no matter how much they try to sweeten the deal, I still say no thank you. There is nothing they can do to get time with me, unless I want to share my time with them. I have learned the hard way, that there is nothing to gain from trading my time. In the end, what is truly on offer is the guy, and if I am not attracted to him, no amount of money or expensive dinners will make him attractive.
If you keep making bad deals with men, stop and think, why are you making a deal at all? If the point of the date is to get to know a compatible human being, or to find a true connection, then why fall for a deal? If he is not enough all by himself, why did you let him keep increasing his offer?
No one can make a deal with you unless you say yes. No one can buy your attention or time, unless you accept money, gifts, free stuff. That is on you. In the end, you didn’t fall for the man, you fell for the free gifts, free vacations, false promises. I don’t feel sorry for women like that at all. Women often accuse guys like that of being users. But who is using whom?
You say you want true love, but you keep falling in love with what someone is giving you. You say you want a genuine man, but how genuine are you?
We all want to be treated well. I do to. There were relationships with men whom I truly respected, and I did receive nice gifts. But I reciprocated with equal gifts in return. No one bought expensive stuff until the relationship was healthy, committed, balanced, and trust was established. The gifts were never necessary, the love would have been enough.
Why not evaluate men for the love they give? Instead of measuring their gifts, why not evaluate the human instead? You can’t see him for who he truly is when you are blinded by bling. you cannot truly evaluate the emotional connection nor his inner emotional health if you are adding Cartier, Chanel and Tiffany into the equation.
There are a lot of popular dating books out there that teach women to gauge his interest by how much he is spending. Keep in mind that a guy with more money can afford to string three women along with lavish gifts. This is bad advice.
If you truly want an emotional bond, then the only thing you have to love is his heart. If he has one. You also have to be genuine enough yourself, to not be for sale. You cannot be swayed by expensive dinners and bling, an honorable woman would not be impressed by that.
If you have made some bad deals with men in the past, it is because they saw a “for sale” sign on your forehead. Sorry, but you made a bad trade. You have to take responsibility for saying yes to bling, vacations, or whatever turns you on. You are a grown woman, and if males can buy your attention with free candy, then take a long time out, peel that “for sale” sign off you forehead, and rethink how you perceive men and relationships.
Karma makes sure that we all get what we deserve. If you keep trading, it is because you’re a trader of time, attention, affection, or love. Stop trading with males, and start relating to humans instead.
A Priceless Woman Has No Price Tag.