This morning a member of our private forum posted “If your presence doesn’t add value, your absence won’t make a difference.” How many people are trying to be present in your life? How many lives are you trying to be in?
Women are often offended when someone isn’t making an equal effort to be with us, but rather than get upset, this is a great situation to objectively gauge of what value you are to people and what value they bring to you.
Sure, it hurts. You really, really like someone, and they can’t be bothered to answer your call. You really, really, want to belong, but the group you admire rarely invites you out. You are a giver, and they only make an effort when they need something. We all have friends, lovers and family members who do this.
Ever since I learned to value myself more than anyone else, I no longer get upset. I understand that even if I make myself into the epitome of the ultimate woman, the Goddess, I will still not be a match to some people. I don’t even try. It was way too much pressure and disheartening to try to match myself to other people. I am happy with myself, with all that I have to offer, but I am also very happy with all that I don’t offer. There are a lot of things I don’t bring to the table, not because I am deficient or insecure, but because I now know which tables are worth dining at.
Today, I look at groups I once tried to belong to, and people whose lives I tried to join as less than. This isn’t because I am resentful, but because I know exactly how much I invested into myself. Today, it is okay if people don’t like me, don’t need me, don’t seek my company, and I am okay not accepting attention or company of people who have no value to me. If you want to be discerning, and create a life full of people and situations that are of value to you, then you have to accept that there will be others who won’t see any value in you. Don’t get upset, healthy people have strong boundaries and tighter filters. Rather than try to squeeze yourself through their filter, work on your own feelings and on increasing your own value.
What does “value” actually mean? What do you have to bring to the table? We have all seen relationships and group dynamics where one person has money, social status or a reputation, and people want to be with her because they perceive those qualities to be valuable. Is that value?? It can be, if both parties see a benefit to it. It’s a superficial relationship, and it can only last as long as both parties gain equally.
But if you are a humble human who wants to be appreciated for who you are, how do you build value in yourself and how do you get people to include you, and value your time and attention? What makes a woman valuable?
We all value ourselves and others by different metrics, and as superficial as some standards are, there are always people who will seek out those surface traits. I think that is okay. Some women invest a lot of time and effort into their physical appearance. As critical as I used to be of that, I see that the are highly sought after because of their amazing looks. Good for them. Others, are heavily invested in their careers or building their empires. I admire that, but as successful as some of my peers are, I still see them just as likely to get rejected in social or romantic situations. Why? Some of us seek to be well-rounded, and invest in our inner, emotional growth. We strive for balance, and still we are not enough for some people.
I think it is okay to not be enough for others, as long as we are enough for ourselves. When we are not enough, we will always feel rejected, inadequate, marginalized by social cliques. This is what we have to work on- how we feel about not being valued by others. But, I am perfectly okay and have fully accepted my own failures and shortcomings. I am no longer critical of that, because after I got over the bruises to my ego, I realized that some of my efforts and projects weren’t all that important to me.
I think it is crucial to become okay with all our flaws, our failures, areas of life where we didn’t meet our own expectations. But it is also extremely important to become okay with other people not valuing us enough. We all know how demoralizing it is to keep striving to meet other people’s standards and expectations, so why do we get angry when we don’t get accepted by them? If it truly is okay to not strive to belong, then why is it not okay to be rejected by people we try to belong with?
Become okay with rejection. Become okay with not being valued. Nobody can value you as much as you value yourself. I can’t possibly be all things to all people, so I am perfectly okay not being liked by everybody. In fact, I am disliked by many people. I no longer waste time pondering what I have done to disappoint them.
At any given time, there are usually 1-2 people in my life who give less to me, or try less to be with me than I try with them. I realized that this is how I drain myself. Yes, that pursuit of their attention or time drains me, but that is a choice I make all by myself.
Stop accusing people who don’t value you of not finding value in you. That is not their job. As long as you are resentful of not getting what you perceive as your fair share of their energy, you are hurting yourself by constantly measuring what is fair to you. You are measuring your own value against how other people perceive you and you will always fall short. Why should anyone value you more than you are of value to them?
When you truly value yourself, you are more aware of the imbalance within, and you seek to re-balance yourself. Rather than be resentful of that friend who never picks up the phone and rarely invites me, I ask myself why am I in so much need of attention of a person who sees little value in me? Don’t be afraid of the answer to that question. It will be unpleasant and you will not like it. But, that’s what balanced women do, they can face their own inadequacies and work on themselves. The ugly truth is that there are areas of my own life where I am still seeking approval of others. Sure, it is painful for this Goddess to admit that, but I am happy that I discovered this inadequacy right now through a friend, than to find out how inadequate I feel in a romantic relationship. That would be much more painful. This is something that I can repair easily by sitting with myself and my own emotions, and figuring out how to fulfill my own deficiency.
The reason that rejection happens is because your life experiences mirror your soul. You might think that people “make you feel inadequate”, but no one can make you feel anything. YOU feel inadequate within yourself and you are blaming other people who simply show you what is missing. You need to fill your own cracks, no one will value a leaky cup. All those experiences where you see that people don’t value you enough, are an opportunity to add value to yourself.
I have a ton of people in my life. Some value me more than others. I am okay with that. Some need me to the point that it drains me. I don’t value them at all, nor do I feel bad about ignoring them. Others need me for superficial reasons. There are plenty of superficial situations where its is fine to have superficial connections. I don’t invest much, but I don’t overthink it either. And then there are people who mirror me until I see within myself whatever I am accusing them of. These are valuable lessons where I get to see how I am pursuing people and situations who I think will fill some need, but it turns out this is a need I should fill for myself.
That quote “If your presence doesn’t add value, your absence won’t make a difference” is so true. Our egos would love to believe that they will be sorry when we are gone, but that’s just our own insecurity talking. If you bring no value, they will not regret you. The goal is not to hold resentment, but to accept the fact that you cannot bring value to everyone’s table, nor should you want to. It’s also a reminder that you may still be trying to be accepted or approved of, when instead you should be satisfied with all that you are, and all that you are not.
My point is, you will never be enough for everybody, you just have to be cool with that. If you are satisfied with yourself, you are enough. That’s all that maters.