How can you find unconditional love, if you believe so much in conditions? We all talk about unconditional love as if it is life’s ultimate goal, but have very little understanding of the concept. I see that those people who pine for it, are the ones who are the most resistant to it.
Unconditional love is the purest love there is. By definition, it is love without condition. It is not dependent on anything, or any person at all. It exists no matter what. It exists without an object to love, it exists without a situation, it exists when there is no reason. What makes it eternal is the fact that it resides in you, what makes it end, is the belief that it is about the other person.
And so for most people, the burden of keeping love alive falls on the other person, or the situation. If the other person truly loves me, he should love me forever. If the other person continues to behave in the way that we agreed upon, our love will be eternal. If the other person loves me, he or she will give me commitment. If he is truly committed, he will want to sign a contract. IF, if, if. But if the other person has a responsibility to love us, and an obligation to keep the love and commitment alive, then how can we insist that the love is pure or unconditional? Responsibility and accountability are a burden, not freedom to love.
What’s worse is that if that person happens to grow, evolve, or change during the course of the relationship, and as a result of that growth they begin to desire a person who better reflects their new self, then where does that leave us? Betrayed? Disgruntled? Are they now in violation of a contract?
And so, many of us still view breakups, divorce and moving on, as some sort of a violation. We view the person who was formerly the object of our love as a traitor, or a criminal for not abiding by the rules we set forth in the love contract. If the contract is broken, surely the love must be too?
Many of us still believe that if we can contractualize love, we will guarantee its eternity. If the contract is solid enough, it will protect us from pain, heartache, and prevent that person from later choosing someone else, or moving on. If that person does so anyway, it is the fault of the other person, not us.
Yet practically every culture believes that love is a contract. Regardless of whether it is a marriage contract, a verbal agreement, a cohabitation agreement, or a Facebook relationship status, the vast majority of people searching for unconditional love are solely focused on its conditions. And the more adamant the person is about the conditions, the more likely they are to encounter toxic relationship experiences. They connect to people who too have their own conditions, and are then surprised when neither can reasonably meet the rules, expectations, or terms set forth by their partner.
This really isn’t most people’s fault. Every soap opera, romance novel, religious edict commands that true love must be traded in exchange for a lifetime commitment. Only when it is traded in exchange for a rock-solid contract, and only when both people behave according to the terms of it, can we boast that we have found pure love.
So, what exactly is unconditional love? Without any conditions, pure love is free to be just that, LOVE. It exists no matter what. But how can love exist no matter what, if the person I want, isn’t behaving according to my needs? How can love exist no matter what, if he is looking for love in other places? How can love exist no matter what, if I have no relationship status, if I am not wearing a ring, if he is looking at other women, if he isn’t paying attention to me, if he isn’t completing me, if he isn’t calling, texting, sending me roses?
Love doesn’t come in a bouquet of roses, and it doesn’t come from a relationship status. Love is not about the other person at all. Love is you. Is there love in your heart at all times, or is it just there when you find someone to love? Do you love yourself, or do you love yourself only when someone else shows you love? Are you satisfied or are you starving for someone to love? Think about it objectively. Where exactly is that love? Is it inside you, showered upon yourself and other people freely, or is it reserved only for certain situations? Do you love everyone, every day, all day long, or do you love only when someone is giving you a relationship?
Pure love is free. It is free or requirements, conditions, rules, or obligations, responsibility, or contracts. It comes to those who do not look for conditions. Though most women I know want marriage, the ones who marry soonest are the ones who never pined for marriage at all. It also comes to those who have dropped marriage as a requirement, and were willing to open up their hearts to love long before a lover showed up.
When we look for conditions that will satisfy us, the object of our attention becomes that situation for which we are willing to trade love. But love that is traded in exchange for anything at all is not love.
I have said it many times, but it is worth repeating that eternal love is love for the self. That realization was the most powerful moment of my life, because in that instance I realized that I will always have love, no matter what. It resides inside me, and I shower it freely upon all people, because there is always more. I am not afraid of losing it after a breakup. The other person, as much as I loved him is not responsible for it, and he is free to act in his own best interest. I continue to love him anyway, no mater where he is. And I continue to love myself as I always have.
That love is eternal because as long as I am alive, it will reside in me. I never believed that I have the right to demand that another person walk my path for all eternity, nor that he should sacrifice his eternity to me. In my opinion that would be heartless and narcissistic. We claim that an animal trapped in a cage is an example of cruelty, but that a human trapped in a contract is somehow virtuous. Really?
No, my lovers are always free. They are free to love me as much or as little as they are comfortable. I place no demands because I know that my love for myself will always be greater anyway. They are free to enjoy my company as long as it is pleasant for both of us, I don’t ask for more because my own company is the most pleasing of all. They are free to grow themselves, evolve, make other choices, and eventually walk their own path. I encourage this for my own growth, my own progress, and out of respect for my own path.
In learning to love unconditionally and freely, I have observed some remarkable effects. Men respond to me with utmost respect, affection, and devotion. They are striving to please me, study ways in which to be of service, are more giving of themselves than ever before. They seek to bond, express immense care, kindness and passion, and these expressions are beautiful to experience. I keep walking in a state of free love, offering no commitment to anyone because I have not found the one yet. I have no conditions lovers must satisfy, I love them anyway.
I believe there are many soul mates, and each one reflects who we are at a particular point in our lives. Right now, I am not ready to commit or marry, and will continue to be single as long as I love being single. That may be a couple of years or eternity, but my point is that as long as I am free of conditions, love flows freely to me at all times. There is no shortage of love, lovers, or loving encounters. It all flows to me in an endless stream of experiences. I revel in all that is coming my way, without questioning why it isn’t more, why doesn’t it come with a ring, why isn’t he offering me a contract?
If you are searching for unconditional love, it would be worth your time to list your conditions. Be kind to yourself, we have all grown up in a world where love was depicted as an unbreakable contract. As you look at your conditions, spend some time pondering what it would be like if those conditions weren’t an option. What would happen if the institution of marriage collapsed? Could you love anyway? What would happen if a fortune teller declared you will never marry? How would you choose to live then, without love? Could you be affectionate with a person who does not love you? Could you be loving to someone whose heart belonged to someone else, but was willing to offer you his affection?
Slowly go through all your conditions and work on eliminating them. This is a process that takes time. Perhaps it is time to change your perspective, or to question society’s expectations, and whether they are of any service to you. When you are able to eliminate all the conditions from your list, you will experience an immense sense of freedom. You will see that there are no more conditions to love, and that now you are free to love all there is. In that place, you will find your center, your true self, your inner being. You will see that it radiates with pure, undying love that cannot be contained. Allow yourself to feel that love without restriction for as long as you can. Then watch. Watch what happens next.
As you love freely, you will see that all people love you freely too. They are now free to be with you, in your presence without fear that you will place demands or conditions on them. First you will notice the reactions of strangers. They will profess their fascination, approval, and interest in you. Let them. Next you will notice changed behaviors of friends. Some will be offended by your unconditional love of them, let them walk away. They are people who need conditions and will not be able to stand your freedom and the immensity of your love. Keep loving them and all there is anyway. Soon you will notice interest from the opposite sex, and see a vast difference in how they now perceive you. Be patient, because as you become comfortable with your newfound love and gain your bearings, the men will keep changing. I guarantee that each one will offer you more, be better than the one before, and reflect your ever growing self. Keep moving. Love them, but free them anyway, there is more for you.
It was my experience that the more I opened myself up to unconditional love, and accepted freedom as the only way to love purely, the universe showered me with all sorts of love. In my first year I got asked out by 73 people. Of course I wasn’t interested in most of them, but men kept offering themselves up to me, and that was a beautiful way for me to acknowledge that love is everywhere.
No matter what the future brings, I will always have love in its purity. Of that I am certain. Since I found unconditional love I have never been lonely, incomplete or dissatisfied. It isn’t another person’s responsibility to entertain, complete or satisfy us, that work is our own.