I begin today’s blog post with a quote by Mandy Hale: “ If you don’t love yourself, you will always chase people who don’t love you either”.
This one hit a nerve because for decades I was that girl, attracted to the most brutish assholes, the macho men who wore a façade of strength and dominance only to cover up their inner fragility and failings. Self-love was a project I embarked upon after the end of my 12 year marriage, and it has been a spectacular experience.
But for the sake of this article, let’s forget how Hale’s quote applies to men and relationships- that’s rather obvious. And, I won’t go into details about how to love yourself, by now I have exhausted this topic. If you are still unclear, check out one of my previous posts or videos.
Outside of romantic relationships, I see a lot of women who don’t love themselves when I watch their interactions with family members, friends, and coworkers. There too, we tend to chase people, looking for acceptance, validation, approval and love from people who do not love us. I am not saying those people aren’t capable of love (in fact most are), instead they do not love us. Ouch!
The popular belief is that there must be something wrong with those people if they don’t show us acceptance, approval or love. But the reality is, no one owes us that. I repeat, no one owes us a relationship, a friendship, acceptance, inclusion, respect, nor love. It is not their duty to do so, and when they show us evidence that we are not important, it is not because there is something wrong with them. Healthy people do not value nor need people who are not healthy themselves. Respected people respect those who earn their respect, not those who ask, beg or demand it. Interesting people are interested in those who have taken time to cultivate themselves.
So, it is up to each of us (if we are healthy, and if we are willing to grow), to accept the responsibility for how we are being treated. Rather than blame others for not showing you love, respect, or inclusion, we must take a painful look at ourselves and ask what is it about me that isn’t loveable, respectable, attractive, or validated. This look into our own selves is very painful for some, and many still chose to find fault in others. But, ladies grow up.
Unfortunately, some women are only willing to take this painful overview, when they notice that men are making themselves scarce. Rarely, do they want to see how their lack of love and respect for themselves, turns others off. Do you find yourself chasing people in general? Do friends make plans without you, or only invite you as an after thought? Do family members walk all over you, showing no regard for your feelings? Would dates rather stare at their iPhone rather than pay attention to you? Do people tend to forget to return a phone call to you? Do you tend to fight or argue with people to show you consideration or respect? Well baby, it is time you take a look at yourself.
If you insist that they are the ones being neglectful, hurtful, or disrespectful, you fail to take responsibility for yourself. And as long as you keep doing that, you will continue to see more evidence of that kind of treatment. There is nothing you can do to change other people, nor do you have any right to. But, admitting that you have a problem, that you are responsible for how people treat you, is a very powerful understanding, because now you have the power to shift blame away from them, and work on yourself.
My biggest monsters in my life were not men, they were my parents and extended family. Growing up, I didn’t even know that I was surrounded by toxic people who didn’t love me, because they didn’t even love themselves. To them, love was about possession, having power over family members, owning them, controlling them. Later in life, I entered many relationships with men who needed to own me, control me, reshape me into their own image, and destroy me when I exceeded them.
In terms of friendships, I was in the same situation. My friends too needed to possess me. They expected my undying loyalty and servitude to heal them, shoulder their burdens, teach them, guide them through life, and promise to never leave them. I was the only rock in their lives, and they could only face life’s challenges with my guidance and fearlessness. Can you imagine what a tremendous burden it is to carry all one’s friends? Unlike most of my clients, I wasn’t the one excluded, in fact I was over included. Everyone needed me to be their friend, and not for healthy reasons.
So, in an effort to change my relationships with men, parents and friends, I had to cut many people off. In fact, I cut off almost everyone in order to focus my energy onto healing myself. I am not telling you to cut off everyone, but I am urging you to look in the mirror and say I Love You. Does it feel awkward? Try it again? Many of you can’t say that to yourselves, but you definitely will at some point.
My project in life was now to learn to love myself. The process is too long to describe here, I have written about it numerous times already. In fact, the sole purpose of TheGoddessPrinciples.Net is to teach women to love, adore and worship themselves. I took two years off from relationships with most people to focus inward, appreciate myself, treat myself to the best things in life, until it dawned on me, just how spectacular I am.
I also meditate quite well, and that has been an invaluable experience in balancing my energies, eliminating anger, opening up to love and kindness, and getting in touch with my higher self, which was the ultimate meditation experience. Once I got in touch with my higher self, I understood who I am as a being, what my life purpose is, and how I relate to others when I am at my most powerful self.
Rather than trying to relate to others, I started to relate to myself, and that was a life-altering experience. Imagine how amazing it is to discover the real you. Not the you that you show to the world, but the spectacular you that is all powerful, fearless, godlike. This is the inner goddess I teach women to access. And finding her requires a lot of self love.
Fast forward to my current life, and I have turned 180 degrees in the opposite direction. I am a virtual man magnet, but more importantly a people magnet. I attract healthier men, the ones who truly value me, respect me and worship me. Men who cannot do that, almost always show their fear and weakness to me up front. I see through people, and block them before they even step forward. Family members have experienced what not having me in their lives feels like. They know now that they cannot manipulate nor own me. That resolve to cut off toxic people from my life hurt them much more than me. And today, they earn a rare opportunity to enjoy my presence, they don’t dare to demand it.
My friends are healthier people too. The clingers, the controllers, the energy drainers, the ones who had nothing to add, but tons to take from my life are gone. I now have friends who are complete. They are rare birds, so I actually cultivate those friendships. They are people who have something to offer me too, their energy is healthy, and there is an equal exchange of life lessons, and encouragement. Rather that lean on me and demand I carry them, they are people who have their own path too, and aren’t afraid to walk it alone.
And yes, the men in my life are amazing. Almost immediately I noticed that as my love for myself grew, their love for me grew too. The men who are incapable of respect for women, noticed my unshakable respect for myself. They had nothing to offer me, so they walked away. Men who disguise control with displays of love, walked away too, because I loved myself so much, I didn’t allow them to control me for a second, and didn’t flinch when they threatened to walk away. I let them go cheerfully and easily.
Since I have been single, in the last 6 years, I have received 4 marriage proposals. I didn’t consider a single one of them, as I understood that the more I evolve, the better the men in my life will be. Now, I continue to grow my love for myself at a faster rate, because it is such a powerful experience. And I am finally understanding what true love, pure love and unconditional love is.
The only love that is eternal is the love for the self. It is the only love that can last forever, the only loyalty one needs, and the only love that will sustain you for eternity. When you love yourself that much, no one can break your heart. You become a fearless lover, undeterred by endings of relationships, because you know that you have the capacity to love even more. I wrote before how I continue to love all my exes. Friends think this would be too painful, but in fact it is very easy. By loving everyone who has walked away anyway, I am absolutely open and fearless about giving away love to those I deem worthy of me.
So when I see women chase relationships, friendships or approval of others, I see that in fact, they do not love themselves. Wouldn’t it be worthwhile to invest in the process of self-discovery and self-love? If you are ever wondering how it is possible that some women can have any man they want, any situation they want, and are always surrounded by the best people? Self-love and inner focus are magnets for people who are capable of pure love, people who love themselves too, and that magnetism ensures you will always be included in the best situations.
The life I have lived post divorce, is the life I have earned. I worked for it. I worked on myself. I took responsibility for my circumstances, understood it is not up to others to treat me better, but up to me to be better. The investment I made in myself has earned me the most spectacular opportunities in life.
I travel the world to the most exotic destinations with the healthiest of companions. They too have invested much blood, sweat and tears into growing themselves, and their friendships are invaluable to me. I have been loved by the most amazing men and I allow them to treat me well and worship me (yes, they really do). Most of all, I want to inspire women to change themselves. It hurts to see women strive to earn love from people. It is a disempowering thing to watch, when in fact, it is only self love that will guarantee the kind of love they dream of.