There’s a new man on the scene, and I’m apprehensive. Perhaps I am jaded, bored, or tired. It is more likely that I have reached the end of a cycle where I am leaving the past behind, and stepping into a new me. This new me is no longer interested in the old. There is nothing wrong with the man, I feel no need to have him. A beautiful creature, a step up from the last one, and I am staring at him wondering what do I want? As beautiful as Romeo is, I am full, slightly bloated, I can’t even get excited about the next piece of cake on my plate. I think I will pass.
I think all people pass through many cycles in our dating lives to experience the best that life has to offer- that is, if we are willing to view dating as an adventure and an experience, instead of a dreadful exercise in goal setting and approaching it with an agenda. For me, there was never an agenda, the next person was always someone new to mirror me, someone new to learn from, someone new to bliss with. I am not tired of bliss, nor am I tired of men. Remember, if you take full responsibility for your self, and your development process, the problem is never the other person, the problem is always you or me.
Looking at myself, I see that I have completed a cycle, over-explored a region, and now that I have mastered a few aspects of myself, the men I am used to dating no longer pique my interest. One of the things I noticed is that as I rise in my own power, the men look smaller, less interesting, just as insecure and conflicted as we all are. There is no power in masculinity, and as soon as I stopped admiring the synthetic illusion that culture and society have fabricated to depict as manhood, the veil dropped and now I see we are all just human, equal in our uncertainties, equal in our pain, with equal fears, wants and needs. There is no such thing as masculinity nor femininity for that matter, we are all just souls who inhabit different bodies. Human is human. So what does your soul look like?
Most humans are three dimensional beings, and we are trained to observe what is. We evaluate people based on the evidence of facts they present to us. So and so has a degree in rocket science- good, drinks too much beer- not so good, has a beautiful body- good, gives amazing hugs that last longer than most- great, has a weird attachment to his mother- sicko. We evaluate people’s degrees, income, social status, intelligence, hygiene, habits, the observable aspects of their psyche to reach a conclusion of who they are and how well they will fit into our lives. We believe that if we match on a certain number of points, we are compatible, therefore we must then try to pursue or fit better with this person. Our parents taught us to select a person from a good family, whose parents are educated, who follow certain traditions, who are in good social standing, and exhibit positive qualities, and to avoid drunks, drug addicts, people with illegitimate children, venereal diseases, or come from trailer parks or restricted gene pools. But what if that is not enough? What if all those qualities are too superficial to have a genuine, two way connection?
What if we are looking at superficial aspects of a human, selecting people who seemingly match, then try harder to shape them or contort ourselves to fit into their lives? What if no amount of matchiness is enough to guarantee a perfect union? What if the goal is for the union to remain imperfect so that we can continuously grown and learn and master ourselves? If we accepted that relationships are meant to be imperfect so that we can continue this process, and we let go of matching and started to appreciate our differences, if we stopped trying to fix or stabilize relationships, wouldn’t the constant change and shifting terrain promote our evolution?
We humans are constantly trying to control our environments and relationships happen to be huge aspects of our personal world, so we control and manipulate the hell out of our relationships. We tighten our grip on lovers so they cannot escape. We seek to mange their feelings, expectations, emotions so that they don’t surpass our levels of tolerance for discomfort. If he/she grows, they could grow without me. If he/she succeeds, they could exceed me and I won’t feel so stable. I can’t feel like a man, if my woman is more prominent or earns more money than me, so let me tighten the parameters of this relationship. I’ll set stronger boundaries, so I can feel more like a man.
I do my best thinking in nature, so I am constantly appreciating how nature shifts, creates its own disasters to change, adjust, regrow, push evolution forward. Nature never controls nor maintains status quo. Tectonic plates are always shifting to produce little earthquakes, volcanoes are always erupting somewhere, and seeming disasters which kill thousands are always pushing all creatures to move, adjust, adapt to new environments and evolve. Without uncomfortable change, we simply cannot grow. Balance can only come from instability. The ground is always shifting, so we must adapt to every change to become more fit, and that fitness is how we maintain our balance.
So why do we seek stable relationships with non-changing humans, corral them into inescapable pens surrounded with barbed wire, then spend most of our romantic lives managing their discomfort so they could feel good about living in a tight pen? This is how we kill romance, bruise souls, then wonder why they are so eager to escape us. Worse yet, we think there is something wrong with them because they have been plotting their escape all along. Is this how far we have evolved? Is this the level of love we are capable of? Or is there more?
I am staring at this new Romeo, and am knowing with full confidence that this Romeo must die, so I can rethink and reconstruct my world into something that will push my soul forward, and out of this cycle of romances with qualified people with exquisite credentials who mouth the same words, think the same thoughts, follow the same strategies, play the same games. I’ve learned through experience that the mind game is the mark of a highly insecure, constantly testing person who is constructing a new rat-wheel just to keep us occupied in his mindless play pen. No thanks to that.
I do know that now more than ever, I am ready for a meeting of the minds, not on an intellectual level, because how much can we compare textbook knowledge and remain interested in facts and figures we acquired in school? I love people who think outside the parameters of convention, who can entertain thoughts that challenge their egos, even shatter them sometimes. I love people who can explore their wounds, expose the skeletons in their closets, and sit there in pure comfort with their monsters because that is a sure sign that the human has mastered fear and self-loathing. I love deeply flawed people who don’t seek to cosmetically alter those flaws but openly show them to the world. I love people who are crawling through that mess they created of their own life, and instead of blaming others or circumstance, can admit this is their own muck they have to crawl through to reinvent and evolve further. I love people who can see beyond what is, peek into a soul, challenge my self-perception. If I am what I am then I must be able to be that despite the challenge. I love people who are adjusting, failing, crashing, getting up again, simply because they appreciate the growth, and are not seeking to control their lives and relationships into mindless oblivion. I can fall in love with an existential crisis, but not with the mask we all wear to fit in.
Nothing churns my stomach more than the man who tells me what he is. They are just practiced words, and just the mask you want me to see. I guarantee I won’t believe you. But take off that mask, and the other one beneath it, and show me where you hurt as a human, and I can tell whether it’s a lesson I already learned, or an experience I can relate to. Either way, I’ll always be impressed by your soul, not your knowledge of top rated wines in the world.
So Romeo must die, because I am bored with seeing masks, illusions, qualifications, vital stats, degrees, credit scores, political parties, voting records, willingness to commit- they tell nothing. That is a matter of evaluating whether your delusions about yourself, match my delusions about you. If I believe in your delusions I am relationship material, but if I shatter them, then I am an evil bitch. It’s a fun game to play, but I’m bored with that.
Lately I have developed a fondness for people who can see. They peek into souls, feel them out. They practice their truth no matter how unacceptable it is. They are who they are and are comfortable with each of their flaws. They seek nothing because all they need is presented to them. We watch this world and observe that people are just wax figures, soulless cardboard cutouts, veneers and we pass them by. The people are wanting, needing, seeking, always dissatisfied, because there was no work done on the inside. Empty peanut shells looking for a nut to fill them up.
Where are the people who can see? Where are the people who know? Where are the ones who understand? Where are the ones who are looking to escape? Where are the ones who know they are staring at an illusion and know this is not all there is? Where are the ones who have mastered 3D and 4D and are utterly bored out of their minds? Where are the ones who are not afraid to leave this? Lately I am connecting better with the explorers, the ones who are not afraid to shed their skin and step out. Interesting people. Thus far, none have piqued my interest beyond friendship, but I can see they relate to others differently. Relationships are very different out here. I’d like to explore relating on a very different level.
Romeo is dead. I am looking for a beautiful mind and a beautiful soul.