“People who force themselves to forgive know no peace”, Chido, the EQ Detective.
Have you ever been asked to forgive someone you weren’t ready to forgive? Have you ever been emotionally harassed or bullied to forgive someone whose actions feel unforgivable? Why are victims often pushed toward forgiveness?
Before you jump to conclusions and accuse me of saying that I don’t believe in forgiveness, I’ll start by saying that I very much do believe in it as an act of healing, self-love, and moving past life’s most difficult obstacles. I myself have had to forgive many people from my past, I have released many painful circumstances, and I won’t entertain comments claiming the opposite. I am aware how some readers love to project their own shortcomings, put words in my mouth, and interpret what was said in a way that bolsters their ego. The reason I stand in so much power today is because I have cleansed myself of other people’s judgements, projections, rage, and any harm inflicted upon my mind, body and spirit, and I did it through the power of forgiveness.
However, I see that many of you who have been harmed by others are conflicted about forgiveness. Perhaps you are being coerced into forgiving too soon. Maybe your intuition is telling you that in your particular situation, forgiveness is not the right course of action. It is possible that you are being shamed or guilted into forgiving someone who is willing and capable of crossing your boundary again. You have every right to feel conflicted and suspicious of anyone who demands forgiveness.
While I have written many times on my own journey toward freeing myself from other people’s toxic energies, I have never written about what healthy forgiveness looks like, and how toxic forgiveness is usually used against the victim to absolve abusers and sinners of all wrongdoing and perpetuate negative cycles of emotional and physical trespass.
On my own journey towards liberation and growth, I have been accused many times of carrying grudges against people who have crossed very serious boundaries. I have been accused of being non-forgiving as if it is some sort of crime against the perpetrator. Like many of you, I have been guilted and shamed into rethinking breakups with highly toxic men and women, as if cutting off a tumor or an energy vampire is a crime. I have even doubted my own ability to deal with toxic people, and for the “sake of peace” have attempted to negotiate and look for more effective ways to deal with manipulators just to create semblance of inner balance. Has peace with a narcissist or a pathological liar ever worked in my favor? No.
Forcing people to forgive is harmful to their mind, body and soul. It is an impediment to their personal growth, and is a form of coercion. Any healer, therapist and medical professional will tell you that healing is a process. There are stages to healing, and the victim’s authentic feelings must be honored. There are times when forgiveness can be harmful, especially when forgiveness involves exposure to exactly the person, act or situation that caused the injury. Forgiveness serves to liberate the victim from ruminating on the past, but it can only be done when the victim is finished with the process. It is the last step that involves letting go of the crime, so that we can step forward into a healthier future without looking back. Asking the victim to look back, ruminate, reconsider walking away, question their decision, is disrespectful and a huge red flag.
I am neither a psychologist nor a therapist, so I will leave the topic of healing strategies to them. I can only speak about my own journey, and I want to address those situations when it is perfectly okay, even preferable not to forgive. There are some people you absolutely must cut off from your life. You cannot respect yourself as you remain exposed to their toxin. You will never find inner peace, nor your personal power while you let them feed off your energy. We are all surrounded by toxic people, frenemies, narcissists, manipulators. Many of us repeat the same karmic cycles because we have failed the mission, we have failed to free ourselves, we have failed to put an end to certain relationships, and so we keep repeating painful situations with new toxic people. This often leads to seeing ourselves as victims of bad people with poor intentions, and to wonder why we are attracting more cycles of abuse. There is this toxic belief that we must repair toxic situations, that we must fix people, that we must endure bad relationships, that we must persevere in our mission to stay with users, controllers and manipulators, because if they aren’t becoming better, surely we must be doing something wrong. But the only thing that you are doing wrong is perpetually forgiving them.
Toxic people use forgiveness as a tool to continue to extract from their victims. This is why the victim is bullied and harassed into forgiving when they are not ready to do so. Toxic people will use friends, relatives, bosses and coworkers to gang stalk you, make you feel like you are wrong, and how your failure to forgive is your offense against them all. What is most important in such situations is to protect yourself from anyone who jumps on their forgiveness bandwagon, allow yourself the time and space to rationally filter through what feels wrong to you, and separate yourself from people who do not have your best interest in mind. They are operating from their own interest,and your forgiveness is what they need to absolve themselves from any wrongdoing. Have you ever observed how easily abusers free themselves from guilt or shame by placing those harmful feelings on the victim?
When you forgive before you feel ready, you are committing a crime against yourself. You are taking part in self-injury, and relinquishing your right to your own process, in favor of their absolution. You are sacrificing your own feelings, so they can feel absolved of their sins. You are allowing the abuser to go free, while you imprison yourself in your own unresolved emotions. If you have repeated many toxic cycles with people who have have harmed you and you have forgiven without cleansing your physical and spiritual body, you have accumulated a lifetime of unresolved issues and emotions which must be released. There are countless ways to do so, and I urge you to work with a professional to help yourself. But please know that the goal of any toxic cycle is to free and release yourself, rather that find new ways to bind yourself to toxic people and give them another chance.
If you are forcing yourself to forgive in order to preserve relationships, marriages, or toxic bonds, you will never rise, you will stunt your growth and development, you will reduce yourself, and you will carry a lifetime of emotional burdens dumped on you by people who are in your life to kick you until you learn to respect yourself. Our journey toward healing is in finding strength, freedom, inner power, inner peace, balance and release, it is not and never will be to endure.
So many women believe that forgiveness is allowing those who have hurt us back into our lives. It is not! The true meaning of forgiveness is finding so much peace in your own heart, that what they did no longer matters. When you have that much peace and balance, nothing they do can hurt you in any way. More importantly, when you have that much peace and balance, they have no chance to exist in your reality. Toxic people disintegrate in the presence of those who have achieved self-mastery.
I have a confession to make. I receive hundreds of physical, verbal, psychic and spiritual attacks. It is my own frenemies who wonder how I continue to thrive, grow, expand, build, persevere, receive bounties they can only wish for, and I do it all with ease. I don’t even flinch any more. And to receive such blessings, I have never had to retaliate against any of those who have harmed or attempted to harm me. I have stalkers and gang-stalkers, both male and female. There are people in my surroundings who exist only to take a bite and savor my energy. I never allow anyone to feed on my energy. I allow them to step forward because only then can I observe their true intentions. But cutting toxic people out of my life comes with no apology. They are like barnacles, parasites, they exist only to benefit from others. They bring nothing to anyone’s table. They exist to consume, feed, bloat their own egos. Do I forgive them? Yes, I do.
I do forgive the toxic people in my life with great ease, because I have healed, my wounds are sealed, my energy is cleansed, my soul is balanced, and I stand in my power. I can afford to forgive anyone for any reason, and it no longer feels uncomfortable. But the reason I can do this is because I do it for my own benefit and never for the benefit of the abuser. Forgiveness NEVER means allowing a toxic person into my life. I know that there is nothing they can do to change. The toxic will always remain toxic, so don’t let them fool you. I am strict about who I allow into my energy space or my personal life, and I make no apologies for who I cut off. Never! My table is clean. I trust myself and my own discernment. I am not afraid to say that I judge. My judgement is sound, and don’t apologize for it. I can forgive so freely because I know that there is nothing that parasite can do to tap into me. When you forgive too soon, you are allowing the parasite to try to tap into you again.
Forgive only when it suits you. Anyone who bullies or harasses you into forgiveness is not your friend. Healthy, healed people don’t do that. Instead they respect your time and space to heal, In my life, I have hurt people too. We all have. But I have never demanded forgiveness from anyone. I respect their decision whatever it is. While I will 100% apologize for my transgressions, I will never demand forgiveness. That is like demanding something I have not earned. Demanding forgiveness is extortion. It is a shameful attempt to erase a transgression and places the onus on the victim to bear the burden of a crime. An honorable person would not do that. Being respectful of other people’s time, space and energy means accepting the fact that I may not be forgiven. Feeling bad about what I have done comes with that. Yes, a transgressor is supposed to feel bad. Yes, that person who hurt you is supposed to feel awful. Anyone who harasses you into forgiveness is demanding that you erase any guilt they should feel. Why would you do that?
When people demand I forgive, I automatically respond “I have already forgiven you, I have already healed, I have walked away and I have closed that door a long time ago because it was in my own best interest”. That statement shows that the act is my own decision, and that it has nothing to do with them. That power to forgive is only within me, and my own to use with discernment. I forgive when it benefits me, as any victim should. Forgiveness is medicine that any victim can administer to themselves at their own discretion. It should never be administered to the benefit of the abuser who has not atoned for the crime. When you forgive before you are ready, you enable the transgressor to do it again, to you and to other victims. This is how toxic people get away with perpetuating bullying and abuse. Often it is the victims who enable them when they are in a hurry to forgive a crime that has not been paid for. In essence we make abuse okay for us and for everyone else, and thus silence the victims.
“The number one preachers of forgiveness are always toxic, narcissistic people…Anyone who forces you to forgive people when you are not ready to do it, when you feel like you don’t have the capacity to do it, is probably abusing someone else..and they want to continue pushing that narrative.” Chido, EQ Detective.
Forced forgiveness is nothing short of victim blaming. The onus is placed on the victim to absolve the abuser of wrongdoing and to bear the guilt, shame and weight of that transgression on their behalf. Now the victim carries that emotional burden for the rest of their life, while the transgressor feels free to do it to someone else. We all free the transgressor by forgiving rather than healing ourselves. People who perpetually expect forgiveness are perpetual abusers of forgiveness. Read that again.
This is how the victims get coerced into absolving abusers for their crimes, and make it socially acceptable to demand forgiveness. I repeat, forgiveness is always in the hands of the victim, and should never be demanded from them. Yes, forgiveness can be healthy, but only when the victim is ready, willing and totally healed. And it is also perfectly acceptable not to forgive, as long as we don’t hold onto that injury and re-live that situation. We all have the prerogative to administer the medicine to ourselves first. We share the medicine only once we have completely healed from the injury, and only if there is enough medicine to share with others. You don’t have to heal toxic people- smart women know that cannot be done. If you commit yourself to healing other victims, you will never revisit the past.