Magical Thinking: My love is enough. I will love him so much, that I am going to get him to love me.
Both men and women believe that their own desire for the other person makes the connection valid. Both men and women believe that the one-sided desire (that non-reciprocated desire), makes the connection real. Both falsely believe that they can “get” somebody to love them.
What can you “get” from that other person when you love them one-sidedly? You can get them to take whatever you give. You can get them to accept or tolerate your time and your attention. You can get them to revel in your adoration, affection, physical pleasure. You can get them to enjoy the ego-boost you have created for them. You can get them to display your adoration of them, your affection for them, your devotion to them in public. In essence, you are creating an egoic “love”, a narcissistic “love” where you give adoration and devotion to the other, while he simply enjoys it, and displays it for others to see as proof of his validity.
The truth is, that authentic, fully reciprocated love is not about trading affection for love, relationship, or commitment. There is no earning one’s approval, by creating so much love that the other will magically fall in love in equal measure. There is no “getting “ anything. When love is authentic and pure, there is absolutely nothing to be gotten. We love for the feeling of love. Not many people can accept that. They are over-focused on getting something, earning something, qualifying for something, and later, when that object of their affection does not feel the same, they realize that they have poured themselves into the other person, while the other simply drank from their full cup.
When you create such a dynamic, you hurt yourself. When you believe that your one-sided interest is enough, you too are demonstrating ego-based love, and your own narcissism. How dare you assume that your self-interest is enough to qualify for the other person? One-sided interest is the shallowest offering of love a human could create. In fact, that narcissistic love is a social perversion causing a lot of social problems and a huge rift in gender relations. What you are watching in the news today is malignant, narcissistic, one-sided desire to satisfy the self. I have said this many times before, the entire romance and relationship industry is built on “getting” people who don’t want you to want you. There is nothing more low, than relating to others based on what you can get, or on feeding your ego.
Yet, most relationships between givers and takers are based on this formula. One person is hungry to satisfy the emptiness within, they seek to satisfy that hunger by pursuing a relationship. They believe that to achieve validation, the must act, earn, chase, pour all of themselves into the other person, to “get” them. They falsely believe that once they get that person, they will be satisfied, they too will feel validated. No one can own another person. Owning a person is called slavery. Have you ever noticed that lovers who own the other, are slaves to the relationship? Why? They have nothing, just an illusion that they have gotten a person who had low interest in them. The slavery to the relationship and the other person is a never ending cycle of giving to get, giving to get, and more giving. They must keep working, giving, trying, standing on their heads, because no amount of work is ever enough to own the affection and loyalty of the other person. The other person is just as hungry. Their emptiness will always be unsatisfied, so they will go wherever there are givers willing to fulfill them. This is your basic codependent relationship.
If you are wondering why you always seem to fall into relationships with narcissists, it is because you are a big piece of the puzzle, you are choosing to ignore. You are responsible for the relationships you get into, and your own actions are a signal to beasts who are looking to feed off your attention and affection. Your magical thinking that my love will be enough for him, that your interest in him makes the connection valid, and your willingness to earn him, please him, teach him, protect him, guide him, repair him, support him, feed him, prove loyalty to him, shower him with unconditional love will be enough to create a mutual good feeling, and enough love for both.
Think of dating as a round table filled with people who are ready, willing, and able to date you. Each person holds a cup of love in front of them. Each cup holds 2 dl (8 oz) of love. Imagine that you have some love to give, and now you are looking around the table to see who is a good match for you. People who are healthy are looking for an equal. Love in equal measure, is love that can be equally reciprocated. They are likely to choose a person whose love offer is equal to their own level of interest and commitment. Codependents and narcissist are not attracted to equality at all. Women who are attracted to narcissists are often not looking for an equal cup of love because they can’t do anything to fill a full cup. Instead, they are looking to pour themselves into the other person, to throw themselves into the challenge of filling his cup. A full cup and an empty cup are codependents seeking validation from what they can do for the other. I can fill your cup, and in exchange I will gain validation from being yours. It is no wonder that the starving are most attracted to those who have the most to give.
We have all been in relationships with a narcissist more often than we care to remember. Yet, very few people are willing to look within to discover what role am I playing in creating these kinds of relationships. Yes, you too are responsible for the toxicity you bring into your own life, so what are you doing wrong?
At the core of your own toxic belief system is the idea that my interest, and my own desire qualify me for the object of my desire. I like him, I love him, I want him, therefore I am the only one who deserves him. That doesn’t sound so toxic when we think of it from the perspective of fulfilling our own needs. There’s nothing wrong with getting what I want, that’s harmless. Now, turn the tables. Most women have been pursued by men they do not want. Most women know what it is like to say no, and have that word quickly dismissed by a hungry, relentless man. Most women know what it is like to have a man they don’t want pursue them so much that they are immediately turned off, frightened, disgusted. Yet, the hungry always believe that their own interest is enough. Malignant love is when the recipient decides to take what the other is willing to give. You want to earn my attention? You want to feed me love? You want to strive for me? You want to die for me? Show me. How far are you willing to go for me? How badly do you want it? Most women who are in this vicious cycle will shower men with endless support and adoration. And a lot men who are in the same cycle are willing to buy love, pay for every moment, buy every kiss with cash. None of these relationships are true. Yet, this is how society teaches us to love. Do something valiant, throw yourself into the ring, give yourself fully, and then you will earn a reward. In the end, there is no villain. Both people are to blame, both are equally responsible. Where there are buyers, there are sellers, and opportunists, and traders of love that is always available for sale.
If you find yourself in repeating patterns with narcissists, understand that you are at the core of the problem. Your own beliefs about love are a perfect match to theirs. You must meet, you are drawn to each other like magnets. There is no way out until you learn to de-magnetize yourself, and that takes years of introspection, learning about your own self, breaking your own patterns, and changing your entire belief system about relationships, redefining manhood, weaning yourself off codependency, and establishing your own definition of what a healthy relationship is. That is all your own work. Most humans aren’t willing to do that, because they believe that the next relationship, the next person, the next opportunity will satisfy them. It won’t. Next is just an opportunity for you to drink more of your own poison.
Every relationship is a mirror to your inner self. We all refuse to look in that mirror, because we refuse to believe that we are our own creation. If I truly created myself, I would not be so ugly, I would not have such a toxic belief system, I would not be so needy, I would no be so codependent. That mirror is not me! It is you. The other is always the villain, I am always a giver while the other always a taker, he is the narcissist, I’m just a victim. Please, grow up. Until you are willing to study the person in the mirror, you will never understand the self. True power is being able to study your own darkness, go within and face the ugly, accept that this is me, I AM THE PROBLEM that I see in others.
Remember, healthy people aren’t seeking to love someone greater than them, someone more than they are, someone who has more to give, someone to rescue them, nor someone they can look up to. Healthy people know their self worth, they know what they can give and what they can’t, so we are always looking for an equal of the same self-knowledge, experience, and level of consciousness. Equality has nothing to do with money, service, or status, equality is of the self. Those of us who are very conscious of who we are on the inside, can easily spot when the other is not our equal, and simply on our doorstep to feed. But people who lack awareness of their own inner world, their true self, have no basis to make an accurate comparison. One partner will always seek someone to fill his empty cup, while the other will seek to pour all herself into that empty, leaking cup. There will never be enough love in their equation.
At the core of all your relationships is just you and your own belief system. If you want better relationships, you have to operate from a higher perspective. Love is not what you can do for someone else, nor what they can do for you. You will never get someone using games and mindless tactics. You will never give enough to satisfy the other person. Take a step back, and look in the mirror. What void are you attempting to fill in yourself?