This post is a follow up to several of my previous ones where I mentioned that I only date intentionally and promised to expand on that topic. I have shared it in the private Goddess chat several times to see how the idea is received, but never expanded upon it in my blog. I find intentional dating to still be a foreign concept for most women, and it is definitely not for everyone. It is not for women who need or want experience with many different types of men, but it does work well for those of us who are tired of following dating rules and simply weary of dating in general. I have to admit, this only started to appeal to me once I re-thought what I want out of life, and started to appreciate the life I have already built for myself. This idea was born out of self-appreciation and wanting to date in a way that is more aligned with who I really am.
If I am going to date, it is very important that the experience is very pleasant for me. I have reached that point in life where I am highly satisfied with who I am as a person. I have a lot to be grateful for, especially my inner peace. I live the good life, I live the soft life, I treat myself better than anyone else, and I am not willing to do anything that I don’t enjoy. That includes dating, or giving my time and presence to people who simply ask for it. For me, dating is no longer a matter of taking chances on random men, giving time just because somebody thinks they deserve it, nor giving attention to males who don’t qualify.
What is your style of dating? There is this unhealthy, yet very common belief that dating and love are a matter of chance. Give a nice guy a chance. Take a chance on the guy you were never into. Pick the guy who is right under your nose, he might surprise you. Sure Tinder is a swamp no classy woman should swim in, but for some women that frog with warts might one day turn into a prince. We all know that one girl who took a chance on a random Tinder dude and scored. We all want to believe if we lower our standards just a bit, and play the dating lottery, that 1:999,999,999,999 anonymous dates will be a winner.
Do you realize what your odds of winning a prince are when you place your bets on random males with the following odds? 1:999,999,999,999 Who can do the math? Can you calculate the likelihood of that frog getting into your bed with those same odds? If math stumps you, let me put it to you this way. When you take a chance on a random male, who is actually getting the chance? You or him? Whose chances of scoring are higher, yours or his? Provided that scoring for you means you get into a strong, stable, healthy relationship, while scoring for him means getting laid, what are your chances? Extremely low.
Yet women are told that dating is a game of chance. Place you bets and chances are pretty high that a male will score while you loose each and every time. It is surprising to me how many women never wake up to the fact that the game is rigged and that the game only works in the favor of boys.
Those of you who are into chick lit, romance novels and movies are all too familiar with that gorgeous girl who meets a disheveled, discombombulated, confused male, and they hook up, and they have a baby, and only then she realizes that this scruffy, unwashed dude who lives in his mother’s basement is her one true love. Look around your circle of friends, how many women are taking scary chances with their minds, bodies and souls with men who have no intention of doing anything positive for her to meet her relationship goals. Why are women so enamored with chances? Do you really need a chance, or do you need a solid, committed man who is your intellectual, financial, emotionally healthy equal? Do men become that by chance? Then why are you betting against yourself when it comes to dating?
Men don’t grow into strong, capable, committed, successful adults by chance. They become that only with intention. Some guys are intentional about their future and their success, and other guys play video games, watch porn, and spend countless hours in the manosphere of social media. Which one is for you?
Men who are serious about their futures don’t take chances when looking for a serious, qualified partner. When they are looking to hook up, sure they will pick the lowest hanging fruit, the one who is the easiest to talk to, the one who is most approachable, they one who will show up on a last minute date. But when they are looking for a wife, they want somebody impressive, not random. They don’t want the girl on the street. Men take easy pickings to hook up, and are totally intentional when they are looking for a spouse.
Yet a lot of women are looking for husband in the trash. Giving unqualified males a chance devalues you. This idea that you have to sift through dust and sh*t to find a man is absolutely ridiculous. It was Melanie Hamlett who said that “desperate women are reckless”. They are reckless with their bodies, their minds, their self-respect, taking chances on the lowest common denominator.
The reason I am writing this post is that I think that women who value themselves should be much more intentional when dating. Our standards must be much higher, and when you see that your dating results are poor or unfavorable, you have to have the courage to raise your standards up a notch, and not be tempted to lower them. When you are feeling down, it is tempting to want to lower your standards, and that is what society and men tell us to do. But this only works in a cheap man’s favor. It makes desperate women even more available, increasing their chances of hooking up with even lower, less qualified men.
I wish all women had the courage to keep rising. If you are not getting what you want, if you are not being treated well enough, it is because you are allowing yourself to be treated by men who don’t have any reason to treat you better. That is not your man. A guy who is looking to hook up, has no reason to treat you like a goddess, it is too much work. He wants a cheap and easy girl, who will help him score sooner rather than later. And if you are her, your odds of finding a prince are minuscule. The odds are not in your favor if you date by male rules. And lets face it, they created this icky dating culture. But it is us to control access, and it is our fault when we don’t enforce standards.
I want every woman to date powerfully, not powerlessly. I wish every woman had the guts to say no, disengage, detach, and drop out of marathon dating low quality men. The first step is to take a long time out, heal, detoxify your body and soul, care for yourself. Take a long vacation from dating, or go on what I call a man diet. This will help you re-calibrate until you decide who and what you want.
Write yourself a list of 50 qualities you would like in a partner. The top 10-15 should be your non-negotiables. If he doesn’t possess them, don’t even make eye contact with him. When you think about it, why would you give a man a chance if he obviously does not meet your requirements? Remember that any chance he gets with you is a chance for him to score. Even if he does want a relationship, most men still get sex even when a relationship does not work out. That is a drain on you. Don’t let unqualified males near you. You don’t owe them that.
Second, only date men who you are interested in first. Instead of talking to every male, instead of going on random dates to find out if there is chemistry, find out if you are interested in him first. You don’t need to give a man free access to your time and body to find out. Ask all the questions first, and if you see no reason to be with him, don’t waste your time. Do not be guided by benefit of the doubt and allow time to decide if he becomes more qualified later. You lose immediately, and you are taking chances that he will come up with one quality that redeems him as you waste your time.
I use my $100 bill test. I ask myself, would I spend a $100 to get a date with this guy? Is he worth an hour of my time? Your time may be more valuable than $100 per hour. You are entitled to that. When I started thinking in terms of value for my time, I realized that I would not spend a dollar to get an hour with most men. Yet, I was accepting dates from those same men. Why? I was bored, I didn’t have anything better to do, I was feeling peer pressure from women who were dating much more. Often, I allowed a guy to talk me into giving him time, I fell for the “give a nice guy a chance” and then regretted it the minute we sat down. By dating only the men who asked me out, I was swimming in a very toxic pool, in fact I was in the wrong pool. None of these guys were my intellectual, emotional, professional equals, they were merely the ones who were the most readily available.
Today, if I have no personal interest in a guy, I don’t give him any consideration. I don’t allow random males to take up my time, to tell me I am too picky, to DM me. I am not random. You don’t get to meet me by clicking on my profile. I only talk to men I am interested in, not the other way around.
Mentally, I have created a small pool of qualified men. No, I don’t date them all, but I do get to know them at my own pace, and screen them for relationship status, reputation, professional level, sophistication, emotional intelligence and I don’t even tell them that I am doing that. I am only talking to them, not random frogs who contact me. But this way, my dating pool is not random, it is qualified.
My pool is small. You all have seen for yourselves that the number of men who actually qualify for your attention is very small. This is exactly what I want. A small, highly qualified pool is much cleaner than a huge swamp with warty frogs. Trust me, thee is no prince in that swamp you keep diving into, but odds are high you’ll get warts or an STD.
I started dating intentionally in 2020 at the start of lockdown. In 2020, I broke up with my toxic ex. I decided that I am no longer going to date anyone unless I am interested in him first. Once it was solely up to me to be interested, I realized that I am actually not interested in anyone at all. I also realized that there are very few men who I find remotely attractive, or even genuinely interesting. This made me realize that by dating random people who asked me out, I was giving away my time and attention out of boredom, often out of a feeling of obligation, never out of my own genuine interest. How many icky dates have you been on? Did you pick that guy or did he pick you? How many so-so men did you give a chance to? How many mediocre, there’s nobody better around dudes did you spend time with? Weren’t they all a complete waste of your time and energy?
In 2021 I went on 2 dates with 2 qualified guys. It only took 2 dates to realize they are very nice, but not for me. I have to say that those 2 dates were far better in quality of the interaction than any random date I ever went on. Both guys were highly intelligent, well-mannered, respectful, just not for me. But by only dating the two I was interested in, I eliminated the riffraff. I felt better about the time I invested, rather than feeling like sh*t for giving some loser access and a chance to make me feel bad about myself. In 2022 I only went on 1 date with a quality guy, and in 2023 only 1. And I am really starting to like that one more. I like that I am not wasting my time and my attention span on low-value males, I like that my standards are so high that all of them asked me on a very nice date. I like that even if I find out I am not into them, I still feel good about the time I spent with them. I only give access as long as I am interested. If after 1-2 dates I figure out he is not for me, I don’t waste his time, because I wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me. I don’t string men along, to see if maybe I like them more later. I know myself, I know what I want, and I trust my own good judgement.
I don’t date on benefit of the doubt. Meaning, I don’t date to see if I can grow to like him, or to see if he turns from a frog into a prince later. That is a waste of my time, and an opportunity for me to eventually lower my standards. I never allow a male to talk me into giving him a chance. I only date with my own interest.
I know most of you would be shocked by how little I date. But I only date when I want to, only when it feels good to me, and only when I am approached respectfully. I don’t need a big roster, I don’t need a date every Friday. Honestly, my Fridays and Saturdays are for my friends who bring value to my life. Each and every one of my friends is worth my best time slot, my finest wine, and my best energy. I don’t waste my Fridays and Saturdays on Tinder trash. Sorry to those of you who are still on Tinder.
Dating with intention means dating only on your own terms. It is not up to the guy to set the terms. This is the BS we have all accepted, which has forced women to lower standards, give chances to random dusties, waste their best years on players and worst of all, compromise their bodies, emotional and mental health. Women waste so much time dating only the men who ask them out, when they could be dating only the men they want.
I set my own terms, you all should create your own. But remember, after each guy, you must raise your standards even higher, not compromise to make them lower. Each guy is a new learning experience, and each person teaches me about what I am settling for, what boundaries I am still not defending, and what requirements I still need to sharpen. Every girl should have her list of 50, and that list should be refined every year. It can even be a list of 100, with the first 25% of most important qualities being your non-negotiables.
And if you are wondering what I do with the random dudes who dare take their chances on me, the answer is nothing. No response. The time it takes me to respond to some random dusty is the time I could be using to pick my nose. No response is the best response. It states exactly how I feel about his qualifications. My DMs are full of unanswered chats.
Men talk, and they talk about me. Sometimes I run into random ones at parties and they remark “I know I have no chance with you” or “I know better than to mess with you”. That’s right. I’m not the one you mess with. Go mess with some unaware, confused, girl. Take your chances on whoever will give you one, I am not anyone’s random chance.
But since I cut down on dating drastically, de-centered men, and started dating only intentionally, I feel like a much healthier person. I am more centered, more appreciative of my good friends, more healthy. No one, absolutely no one can make me feel bad about myself, or make me question my own decision. Your dating strategy must be created entirely by you, and not set by a dating culture or hookup culture. That won’t work in your favor.
Take the time to meet the kind of people you are interested in only. You probably never thought of that because you have been giving opportunities to whoever asks you out. If you only give time to those who ask you out, then your choices are slim. No wonder women think they have to settle. Usually the guys who ask the most women out are the most desperate, the most eager to get their numbers up, the most active on the market, Some guys play the numbers game, and they ask out every woman they know indiscriminately because they know that one out of a 100 will say yes. But those are usually the lowest quality males simply looking to play a game of chance. Its your fault if you give it to them.
Where have I met the best quality people? I run a large east coast social network, so this is where I have met most of my long term and short term relationships. I’m lucky, I don’t need a dating app. By creating my own social circle, I am in charge of who gets invited, who gets access and whom I introduce to my friends. You could simply start a meetup, or a professional organization. Also, in the past I have met the best quality people via professional organizations, conferences and after work gatherings. For years I worked on Wall Street, this is where I met people of the same educational level as me. This doesn’t mean that everyone I dated was great, but I always dated in a qualified pool. Dating randomly where there are no qualifications to meet you like on a dating app is just the wrong space for a professional woman with standards. You don’t want to date in a pool of a million dusties and warty frogs, you want a pool of just 10-12 exclusive members. Build your own pool and please only date selectively.
Since 2020, I only dated 4 people, and as I mentioned above, all four where much better men than the dozens I met before. Every one of them had positive qualities that I selected. I didn’t have to exhaust myself on random dates with strangers, I pre-qualified them by getting to know them professionally or through friends, and found out most of what I needed to know before the first date. I do look for genuine people, but I won’t list the qualities I am looking for here in a public blog.
The less time you give to random males, and the fewer chances you take with your own time, the healthier you will feel. But this will only be worthwhile if you have actually reached that point in life where you highly appreciate who you are, what you’ve got and you respect your time, mind, body and soul. Some girls will always be out there running after some scruffy nobody. I have reinvested the energy saved on random males into myself. At this point in my life, only very few people equal the quality of my own time. If it doesn’t bring me immense joy, I don’t consider it.
S
P.S. I repeat, Women waste so much time dating only the men who ask them out, when they should be dating only the men they want. Let that sink in.