The Roster. What is the Roster? It is a man’s “Little Black Book” of available women. Think of it as a menu of delicious items readily available to him. These delicious items are categorized by portion size, ladies who are just appetizers, hearty meals, a sweet desert. Every man dreams of having a roster. Some men do, some men don’t. They guys who don’t, wish they did, but not every guy is slick, has skills, or knows how to get women to follow him or want to be available to him. Not every guy has the ability to text a woman, and have her show up in a sparkly outfit, hair and makeup, a 10+. Are guys who don’t have a roster better men? Not necessarily. It is nice to talk to a guy who doesn’t do that, the one who gets to know women one by one, and pays time and attention to each. But, a lot of guys who have no roster are resentful of men who do, and resentful of women who don’t show them the same attention they show to more attractive men. That resentment can be deep, and often shapes how he perceives women. So be careful, and always get to know men well, before adding them to your roster. The roster is not necessarily a physical book. It can be Tinder, Bumble, and most often Facebook. If you are engaging with men on any social or dating apps, they think you are on their roster even if you don’t want them.
I learned to date from men. 10 yrs ago when I was going through a divorce, I enlisted the help of several male friends to help me date better and teach me some skills. I learned a lot and am very, very grateful for that. In fact, I used to have a roster too. What I learned about the roster is that it is a man’s security blanket. He feels more secure when his roster is full. Men survive off the attention of women, so they protect their rosters because their entire self-worth is attached to how women perceive them. I used to feel very powerful knowing I have a roster too. I also learned that the roster is a mirror to a man’s soul. Remember those guys who have no roster at all? Often they feel unappreciated, non-masculine, unworthy, and lack of female attention makes them very angry on the inside.
At a certain point I felt very powerful and confident about myself and I didn’t need a roster any more. I realized it was full of cheap candy, attention whores, men who are starving for female energy, but most of all men who gain their manhood from being seen or photographed in the company of women. This is why you no longer see photos of me with any men on FB. You will never see me hanging off the arm of any man unless he is The One.
To make sure I am not on any man’s roster, I always say clearly No. No to hanging out with men I don’t want, no to giving FB attention to guys looking for online attention, no to Bumble or Tinder, because I am not a downloadable girlfriend available at the click of a button, no to phone numbers and certainly no to having his picture taken with me when he is not anything to me.
It was good to have a roster of my own while I was learning about dating. It taught me a lot about my personal power, attraction points, and how to juggle. This is something I believe all women should know. It is powerful knowledge and it really did give me a huge confidence boost when I was going through a divorce and feeling unattractive and unwanted. If you are confused about where you stand with men, get overly emotional and attached to each and every one, if you get emotional when a guy you barely know won’t call you back, I highly recommend you get a roster of your own. It is just a tool to help you learn how to date more powerfully, and how to stay non-attached and level headed. Juggling men is something most women find distasteful, most would rather look for one. But being over focused on every One who passes by can feel disheartening. Seeing how men respond to you once they see they are just an option to you is priceless. I’m not telling you to become a player, I am telling you to learn how the game is played so that you stop playing defense and learn to strategize. A smart woman is a powerful woman!
Here are some powerful lessons I learned from managing my roster. My most powerful lesson of all time was #1.
1) How to be selective with men. Just because you have a guy on your roster does not make him a valued player at all. His interest is of no value to me whatsoever. A lot of men who are unattractive, unsleepable, are asking for my attention. Paying attention and being nice to them is a huge mistake. Listing them on your roster is like adding handicapped men to your team. They cannot do anything for you at all. Adding them to your roster will make you lose the game. Most women do not know how to be selective with men. They think that male attention is valuable and that they should just accept what they can get. Then they wonder why they are stuck dating men who have no skills, no stamina, no personal power, low psychological strength. Entertaining men whom you have not selected with your own criteria is a losing game.
2) I cannot afford to play “nice” to all men. Let me explain. When I announced to my social circle that I was filing for divorce, I was not looking to date at all. However, within weeks, 73 men asked me out. (I run a large social circle on the east coast). This was my first experience navigating the dating filed, and I did not want attention from most of those men. Yet, 73 men were pestering me for time, attention and a date. Being a nice girl did not work in my favor, because being nice came with the expectation that I will give them a chance and the kind of attention they were asking for. A lot of males take a woman’s niceness as proof of their manhood, if she is nice and smiling they conclude she wants him. That is of course not true for any woman I know, so I quickly had to learn how to remove men from my roster, kick them off the field without bruising their ego. Being nice to everybody is a huge handicap for women. We are expected to be nice, and when we are not we get called all kinds of names. But not all men are equal, they don’t all deserve your attention, so treating all men like Mother Teresa has negative consequences. I learned to treat men differently, to say No with full confidence, to never apologize, to never pander to them, to never stroke their ego, to stop validating them. Men who need validation are invalid without female attention. Yes, they are like invalids, you will waste time making them feel valid, when you should only engage men who are valid on their own merit. Never be the nice girl. You have a team to manage, men to screen and test, and you must be selective. That means saying No most of the time.
3) I am the most valuable player in my life. It’s true. My roster taught me that I create my own life, I manage my own dating strategy by making my own rules, and that all that matters in my life is whether I am happy, living to my own fullest potential, and weather I am pleasing Me. Kicking men off the field when they do nothing of value to me felt bad at first, but over time I learned that being selective and raising my standards was healthy, and that kicking time wasters of my field was very empowering. All these men are vying for a chance to play on my team. I am not applying for their time, they are applying for mine. Holding that roster in my hand changed my focus away from what men want, onto what I want. What I want became the object of the game. What they want is none of my business. Another powerful lesson!
4) Without a roster you don’t know how men stack up. It doesn’t take much intelligence to know that not all men are equal. Most men cannot do anything for themselves, let alone for you. Yet women are taught to treat all men nicely and equally. This is a huge mistake! You are giving your attention to men who do not qualify for your team. You must be aware at all times what your needs are, how men stack up in their ability to meet them, which ones are lagging behind, which ones are ripe for getting kicked off the team. More importantly, you will learn to refine your needs. As you grow, you will see that certain male characteristics you once found valuable are now of no value to you at all. You will learn that most of his valuable characteristics are on his insides, and the inner world of his heart and his mind and his psychological health is something most men protect with their life. They don’t want to reveal that. You will learn how to effectively prod with words or attention to get him to spill what’s on the inside. You must know how he stacks up compared to others inside and out before you give him anything at all.
5) You have nothing unless you have players applying for your team. Lots of men have no rosters because women simply don’t want to play with them. You will figure out through strategy how to put together a valuable team. Dating is a numbers game. I know, most women hate the numbers game, but if you make your own dating rules, you can get numbers to work in your favor. You can’t evaluate a man unless you have plenty of men to compare him too. For that you must have lot’s of experience. Don’t let anyone tell you that having too many men will spoil you. It won’t. In fact, having tons of men will teach you how to wield your own power, and how to put them in their place. Never be afraid of knowledge.
6) Never show them your roster! Men disintegrate very fast once they see that you know yourself, you have an effective strategy, and that they are simply one applicant for your team. In fact, don’t show your roster to women either. No one ever won a game by showing the opposing team their strategy sheet. Keep it to yourself and guard it with your life!
Before you start whining that having a roster is mean, unladylike, shallow, ask yourself how it feels to be on a man’s roster, vying for his attention? It is disheartening, disempowering, an empty place to be. At any minute you could get kicked off the field for not pleasing him better than another player. The reason I encourage all women to create a roster and learn to strategize is to help you shift your focus away from what you must do to get a man, to what should men be doing for me? The roster shows you the losing proposition of waiting for men, chasing them, engaging men who have no inner strength or useful skills, and the winning proposition of setting your own standards, evaluating men by whether they can meet your needs, by rotating them on and off your field.
Your dating life is totally your own creation. If you aren’t happy with your selections it is because you are passively waiting for men to add you to their rosters, and sitting passively through their selection process. You may not realize but your name is listed on a lot of male rosters that you don’t even want to be on. If you want to know how not to be someone’s option, you have to learn how to disengage men swiftly and with ease. Being the nice girl will keep you stuck in a holding pattern.
I no longer have a roster. I no longer need it. It was an extremely valuable lesson, and I am grateful to my male friends who helped me learn how to strategize my dating game. I now have a mental roster. I have learned how to test male character, engage with words, disengage swiftly and clearly, prod and find their insecurities, maintain objective awareness of his insecurities, maintain my state of non-attachment, shut off energy flowing to random men. I feel powerful, confident, self-aware. My life is my candy store. I have had so much candy that I can afford to spit it out. All I want for women is to know how to be more selective, find their power and use it in their own favor. Stop giving your power away to men, you are empowering them, you should be using your own power to propel yourself.