Independent Relationship Contractors

Posted on July 12, 2024 by Travel Clubs International

I am who I am with or without you. It is your choice to be or not be in my life, and I have the same choice to either be or not be dealing with you. With or without you is my philosophy on all relationships. It is a practice.

Logically speaking, relationships can only last as long as they are beneficial to both partners. When one no longer benefits, or if there are better opportunities elsewhere, they have every right to go. None of us can stop their growth or destroy their desire for what is better for them.

Years ago in my job I chose to be a contractor rather than a full-time employee because it allowed me much more flexibility, The freedom I got was better suited to my personality. I don’t have a boss, there is no one to micromanage me, no one tells me what to do nor how to do it. Instead, I do my best, and if my skills meet the project requirements, I am on the job, and when other skills are needed, I am not. Nobody whines to me that I need more technical skills, because my skills are financial, a totally different skill set. You can hire me for any sort of financial institution: lending, credit cards, investment, forecasting, analysis, but you cannot expect me to manage your computer network- I never signed up for that, and it is not me.

I am a contractor in all my relationships as well. I am a happy person who is very self-satisfied, regardless of who my friends are and what they expect of me. It is not my job to meet their expectations, it is only to give them what I have as long as they have a friendship that is of value to me too.

Isn’t it silly that we expect people to be what we need them to be, instead of finding people we actually need? In romantic relationships especially, women tend to find a man who is willing to engage with them for a while, and then they proceed to negotiate his behavior. I need you to… I want you to… I expect…

We all have multiple friends, and each friend has different needs, personalities and interests. A year ago when a friend asked me to go golfing with her, I said no thanks because I don’t like golfing. What did she do? What any intelligent woman would do. She went golfing anyway, without me, and as she started golfing, she met a wonderful group of ladies who also love to golf. She never accused me of not being a good friend, of not meeting her needs, nor did she hold any resentment because I didn’t want what she wants.

I love art and culture. But I have always had trouble inspiring my closest friends to visit museums, see exhibits and explore the region for hidden gems. Then I found Jane, who has multiple museum memberships, loves history, books and I have a car so I am willing to drive out into the country looking for new places to see. It’s a match made in heaven. Do I whine to my other friends, “You never take me to a museum!” No, I am perfectly capable of going to one with or without them. It’s not their job to be interested in art, just like it is not my job to go golfing when I have the attention span of a gnat.

In our friendship circle we are all independent contractors. We are happy with each other, and we are happy without. We all have different friends who fit different interests and meet different needs. Does it make sense to be angry or disappointed when one friend doesn’t feel like traveling to Timbuktu with me? I am going to go with or without them, and I will be satisfied with the experience anyway.

So why do we expect romantic relationships to be more than that? Why do we insist that this person we just met, show us signs of conformity and eagerness to be and do what we like, and develop skills that will fulfill our needs. Surely, he will evolve to eventually be more fulfilling, and we will grow in the same direction to always be enough to each other for the rest of our lives. Surely if he loves me, he will want to do that, right? And then we embark on measuring his performance, marking the calendar for relationship milestones and taking it to the next level. And finally when we think we have progressed enough, women are ready for the ring, while he is ready to bail out. Why?

This strategy of building people and relationships to eventually conform to our expectations is wrong. It worked for our parents but they are a different generation, had drastically different needs than we do, and they had no choice to be all there is to be for each other because growing with other men or women, or exploring with other members of the opposite sex was unthinkable!

So today, single, accomplished women have money, independence, freedom, and the ability to make all their own dreams come true. We get into situations with a guy who just wants to hang out, but we want to explore Timbuktu. So some of us give up that dream of exploring in order to have him, or we push him to be more adventuresome, and when he can’t pay to go to Timbuktu, we buy him a ticket because we want him to go with us. We need him there so we can feel like a couple. What would have happened if my friend who wanted to learn golfing, just signed me up for lessons and bought me a membership, then just drove me to the golf course? Do you think I would have enjoyed it? I have the same chance in enjoying golf as your disinterested BF has in enjoying Timbuktu. You’re pushing the relationship forward, and you are buying his participation, and then all that can happen is he will feign enjoyment or go along with it until his own needs are met. But will you have an enthusiastic partner with whom you’re truly compatible with? No, you will have a temporary participant who will bow out of this relationship as soon as your needs outweigh his own.

So what to do? The world has changed. We no longer see wives as full-time employees whose job of raising children and managing a household. That job used to be clearly defined and came with quantifiable benefits such as a house, assets, health insurance and a retirement plan. Today none of us want to be fully employed in a household, while being full time employees of a corporation as well. Yet we are managing our romantic relationships the way our parents did, then complaining that we are not happy. My mother did not have a right to be happy. She didn’t think so, my father didn’t think so, and she never tried to be. She had a job to do, she did it for 45 years, and never complained about it. And when he died, she got a nice benefits package. Can I do that? Oh hell no!

I think that modern day relationship are more of a contractor position rather than full-time employment. My personal goal in life is to always be thrilled, to fill my life with beautiful experiences, to always be learning, exploring, expanding, and to surround myself with people who have a similar plan. It makes no difference to me if they are here for a minute, a month or a few years. We can only be together as long as we both enjoy each other’s company and as long as we are both satisfied. Rather than think of relationships like these as inadequate “Oh but I still don’t have a marriage contract”, why not think of them as ideal? Both of us are open to independent growth, and we stay together as long as we are both satisfied. I don’t have to try to fit your unreasonable needs, nor do you have to conform to my unreasonable expectations. I can go to Timbuktu with or without you regardless of relationship status, and I will continue to thrive whether you’re in my life or not.

I’m sure many of you have a problem with this scenario. But, in our current environment how could any other scenario work? Most women I know are not willing to play house with a man who cannot afford to provide a house. I don’t blame them. Housewives do 100% of childcare, 100% of the house work, 100% of the emotional work, and today’s men are asking us to have jobs to help pay 50% of total household expenses. Which one of you would like that scenario? I get to do all the labor, I get to have a full time job, and I have to pay 50% for the privilege to do extra work, while he gets a 50% discount for participation? I understand why that doesn’t work today and why women are dropping out of marriage.

A lot of women are quietly supporting a husband 100%. We have discussed this many times in our private group about how many women we know are supporting a husband who does not work at all, and still submitting to his masculinity. I’m sorry, but if I am paying close to a 100% or even 55%, then I am the provider! Why would a successful capable woman submit to a man who does not provide for her, and cannot lead her?

We are trying to be happy, and we are trying to get into traditional relationships even though power has completely shifted. Men are no longer powerful, they are dependent on us now, yet we are doing our best to treat them as providers and leaders that they cannot be. And this ambition to make them into traditional husbands is not working because they cannot do and they refuse to be like our dads. They don’t want to work to support an entire family financially, it is too much of a burden to carry.

I think we are deluding ourselves expecting that men be what our fathers were, and trying to get them to be all that we need them to be. Today we want a more enlightened, self-aware, totally secure man. We want just one man because I understand, we all hate dating. We want him to never cheat, father beautiful children, and some women are willing to pay 50% of his expenses to help him be that. But most of all, we all want to be happy, fulfilled, continue to grow and enjoy beautiful life experiences. How? How can anyone do all that?

Wouldn’t it make more sense to treat men like independent contractors? If we did that, we wouldn’t have to pay them anything, we wouldn’t have to provide, and we would not have to deal with cheating, violence, their mental health issues -there would be no pressure on them to be anything at all. They can simply participate in what is needed at the time. More self-developed women would have fewer needs they could satisfy. And women with greater needs would benefit from men who are willing to do more to be with a woman.

In a way we are all already independent contractors. None of us need everything, and none of us want to serve every male need. We are all capable of creating worlds that we enjoy, instead of conforming to meeting one man’s expectations for the rest of our lives. We already have so much more than our mothers had, and we are getting it because the marriage institution is failing or because the marriage institution no longer meets our needs. And that’s a good thing. If the institution worked, we would all be pushing vacuum cleaners and fixing dinner for somebody. I have the luxury of not vacuuming more than once a month, my bathroom is always spotless, and my fridge only has a bottle of bubbly in it.

We all have the luxury to live on our own terms today, and it is all okay. Some women have a cozy hut with a few furry cats, others have awesome girlfriends, some have global adventures, some have high-powered careers. Do you realize what we have?

We actually have more than our fathers had. It recently dawned on me that I outpaced my father, whom I always thought of having this great career, a globe-trotting lifestyle, prestige and freedom to do whatever he wants. Only we women complain about it. We are raised to think that all that is nothing because we have not figured out how to keep one man happy for the rest of his life. We just have to wake up and see that we have more than our fathers had, and more than our married parents had. But we are not enjoying it because we are told that all that is worthless, but a household with a man is the ideal.

I had that, I divorced that, and I see now that I have so much more than I had than when I was married to a Chief Financial Officer of a big financial institution. Back then I spent most of my married life making sure he is happy, he is fed, he has everything he needs. I had a full time job, but I had to keep cutting my position, my title and my salary each year so he can take bigger jobs. I was shrinking while he was expanding. And yes, this is called marriage. Holy sh*t how far I have come! And not just since my divorce, I have grown after each relationship ended, and after each man I grew more independent to the point where there is very little anyone could do for me. And am I happy? Yes I am ecstatically happy, I see what I have. I am happy no matter who is in my life. I am grateful for everything. I am happy to let people be whoever they are, and I enjoy them as much or as little as needed. Life is a buffet. My friends are delicious deserts and candies that I get to enjoy as much or as little as I want.

In 2013 when I started this page and my blog, I was writing about how much I enjoy my singleness and all I have learned from it. But back then I was looking at it as a temporary place of freedom, that I expect to some day give up when I met the right man. Over the next decade, I dated a lot of men who expected me to give up this, give up that, and all our conversations were about what I plan to give up once I become a wife. Surely, you can’t expect to travel the world once you settle down and find a husband? And I would say exactly what other women say, for the right man, and for the right situations, I might give that up, thinking that I’d have a husband who also loves to travel.

Today, I still love being single, but I love it because it is the most uncompromising place to be. I actually have no plans to give anything up. I plan to keep all that I have built, thrive in it, and not share it at all. I don’t have to give up anything because being with someone is a downgrade. No only is having a husband and all those duties a trap, but even having a boyfriend has always been a downgrade, a slow-down, a compromise of me but no compromise of him.

Today I see all people as independent contractors. We are all free to grow as much as we want with no obligations. And the further I go, and the more I get, the less I need from anyone else. And yes my life is full, my cup is overflowing. And why do I have to share? “Oh, you’ll want to share once you meet the man that you love!” or maybe not. Maybe I’ll love him and let him have his own career and his own home and I’ll keep what I have anyway.

If there is one thing I have learned from being single and dating is how to be happy, grateful and in a state of permanent peace no matter what and no matter who is in my life. That balance has taught me that my inner peace is of utmost importance. I am a master of letting people go, cutting of what’s toxic, for me moving on is a spiritual experience!

If I have friends who are independent, content and know how to meet their own emotional, intellectual, and social needs, why do I have to reduce my life to sharing a household and meeting somebody else’s needs? I don’t need that, and a growing number of women no longer want that. Happiness is whatever I make it to be, it has nothing to do with what other people offer, and it absolutely cannot be taken away when somebody chooses to leave my life. I cannot be threatened that way.

And most of us single people already have all this. Some of us just don’t appreciate it. The advantage of being single is having the time to learn who we are, how to meet our own needs, how to grow into more balance, inner peace. Who in their right mind would give that up? It is what both our parents dreamed of but never had the luxury to pursue because both our mothers and some of our fathers had duties to live for and provide for the entire family. I don’t want that.

I know with 100% certainty that I cannot meet anyone’s expectations of me. I will never try, and I will never be satisfied trying. I have a solid circle of wonderful friends, and I love how all the women have their own unique pursuits, interests and everyone is growing in their own direction. This way I can learn even more from their vast array of experiences. And as for dating, I have reduced it to a minuscule part of my life because that is my current level of interest. I already wrote about how I date now (only on my own terms) so there is no need to write about it here.

So what do I want now? I would like to expand my business to a second country, buy a cute cottage, finish those flying lessons. I’d like to get back to my board work because I took a break from my non-profit work and I truly enjoyed it. While wonderful things always fall into my lap, I would like to become a more active participant in my life. I want more vivid color in my already satisfying life. I don’t want to slow down on my travels so I have to temporarily forgo my cat collection, but eventually I’ll fill my fairy tale cottage with fur balls and wildlife. I want to give more to my wonderful friends and figure out if there are other alternatives to the travel adventures I already have.

What we all want is already right under own own nose. We just forget to appreciate the fact that we have the freedoms our mothers would have died for.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged life, love, marriage, relationships, single life, single woman, women | 2 Comments

Repeating Relationship Cycles Are Lessons Failed

Posted on May 31, 2024 by Travel Clubs International

Are you repeating endless cycles with the same people in your life? Or do you let go of one person, only for a new person to show up in your life who has you in the same repeating situation? I said it many times before in this blog, we repeat cycles because we haven’t learned from the previous one, and we cannot change the outcome until the lesson is learned.

Women often get into relationships with the goal of keeping the relationship forever. Thus we get into situations where we focus on trying hard to relate, bond, squeeze commitment out of them, and when they are not beneficial to us, we throw ourselves into fighting even harder for situations that don’t even work. Many of us believe that the goal is the relationship. But you’re wrong. The goal of any situation or relationship is for you to learn about yourself, and find balance through the situation. The objective is never to keep people forever. It may be that in these endless cycles, what you really need to learn is self-respect, self-awareness, heal codependency, learn to allow people to be imperfect, and understand that it is not their job to serve your needs. Maybe the goal of this ordeal is for you to realize what is missing in your life and that can only come from you. Maybe you need to complete yourself without seeking the approval of others. You might need to learn to stop chasing, and understand that the impulse to chase is within you, and not about the other person at all. Maybe it is time to do some shadow work, which is actually very daunting and very painful, but without that work, you cannot progress to more advanced relationships.

I always thought that women are over-focused on preserving relationships, and not focused enough on the lesson within. Every time I was motivated by finding a relationship, seeking understanding from the other person, trying to make it last, I was simply enduring something that should not have been endured. In hindsight, I lacked the self-respect to walk away. And walking away is one of the biggest, most powerful lessons in life. Why do we have to go through a dozen painful cycles with people to figure out that walking away is about self-preservation, respect, and often the most honorable thing to do.

There may be other reasons to repeat cycles. I used to be attracted to narcissists. For years I kept whining that I am not meeting good men, but was I good? Not at all. That emotional roller-coaster seeking thrill I got from the excitement of playing with a narcissist was all mine. The problem was me, but I never addressed it because I was not able to access that part of me that needed the instability and emotional turmoil in my life. That was the purpose of dating narcissists for 20 years, and experiencing a childhood with two narcissistic parents. The goal was NEVER to figure out how to preserve relationships with toxic people, the goal was to find release, to find peace, which just happened to be always within me. As long as I kept trying to fix these unfulfilling relationships and hang onto them, I was ignoring my own power to create my own balance, to heal my codependency, to create respect for myself.

So these endless cycles that keep repeating are just lessons failed. We often think that we won when we figured out how to keep a person in our lives just a bit longer. But we are fooling ourselves. By keeping them longer we just become deluded into thinking that relationships are about winning people over, and making situations last. Have you ever tried to win a narcissist over? How beneficial was that to you? You may have gotten a temporary high in getting an extension on your connection, but what value did this underdeveloped human bring to your life?

Actually, there is value to having toxic people in our lives, but it is never the relationship itself. It is the harsh lessons, the blows to out self-esteem, the devaluation, the toxic control and manipulation, this is the curriculum we all have to pass with flying colors to find our own power and self-esteem. I recently realized that the value I got from having toxic people in my life was in the lesson itself. The reason I find it so easy to detach and turn off a narcissist is because I have years of experience battling them. I learned that instead of fighting them and feed them my attention, all I have to do is cut the supply off. The reason I now have very high self-esteem is because I learned how to use the bricks thrown at me to build my own empire. That is pure power. But had I stayed in these relationships, I would be a victim instead of a success story. The first lesson I learned was to walk away. Yes, it was difficult at first, now I do with ease.

I see people as avatars. They are in my life to help me identify what needs to be healed, what my triggers are, where my weakness lie. Often these weaknesses are emotional or psychological. And sometimes it is not about running away. Often it is about staying present in a painful situation until it makes me explode with anxiety so that I can figure out, where in the depths of my darkest self, lies that trauma that I have been ignoring. Do I need to keep this person? Not past the point of the lesson learned. Do you ever notice that once a lesson is perfectly learned, there is no longer a need for that situation or that person? They served their purpose, I thank the little monster who caused so much chaos in my life, because I found balance in that turmoil and found power within myself.

Rather than insist that people stay in your life forever and ever, or insist that they provide for you whatever is missing within you, maybe what you really need is a deeper understanding of why you keep chasing them in the first place, or why you keep staying stuck in exactly the same situations. Be it relationships with friends, family members or lovers, or financial situations we use to self-destruct, the lesson is always about YOU, that inner shadowy you that you are going to have to access one way or another. Sometimes those deep painful crashes are opportunities for you to see yourself exactly as you are. It is only when we are in deep pain, that some people actually feel, or are willing to look inside. Darkness is scary, I get it. But unless you are willing to explore that unbearable dark side, you will never get over your fear of being in the dark. And that was the whole point of crashing.

Today, relationships are shifting. Everyone seems to be complaining about online dating, digital communication, the low quality of people we meet. But, why do you participate? I hear a thousand women complaining about dating apps, yet they are all on them, as if there is no option to disconnect. Perhaps there is a desperate need within people that they are not meeting for themselves. Ask yourself why you are willing to experience the emotional abyss of online dating? Why are you willing to dive into the toxic pool of human sludge in the first place? If you have the discernment to understand these people are not healthy, why are you interacting? The answer is in you changing yourself to no longer need that experience. So many people cannot resist to dive in. It is tempting to blame the apps, but these compulsions are all theirs.

People believe they are seeking relationships, but what they are really seeking is emotional fulfillment, to fill the voids that are actually within them, to combat loneliness, to learn to relate, to develop discernment, to evolve, to raise their standards, to enforce their boundaries, to identify their own addictions, to face their own shadow, to look in the mirror. I believe that people are mirrors to who we truly are. I was dating narcissists because I had to learn that they mirror back to me my own willingness to accept selfishness, dishonesty, and low character traits- they were a reflection of my own low self-esteem. Once I figured this out about myself, I was able to raise my standards so high, that today people have to qualify to be in my life.

The purpose of dating is not to find people to keep in our lives forever. The purpose of all relationships is to find our true selves. Other people are simply characters who teach us who we are now and to identify our own negative traits, traumas and wounds so that we can heal them.

Have you ever noticed that when you stop dating, people enter your life as friends and coworkers to teach you exactly the same lessons you were learning while you were dating? That’s because the lessons never stop, and as you level up, your threshold of pain is higher. You have to learn to slay tougher demons to continuously strengthen yourself.

Years ago when I divorced, I realized that I have a lot to learn about dating. I had been out of the game for over a decade, and everything was new to me. The smartest decision I ever made was not to date for keeps. I knew that I had a lot to learn about myself, I was trying to find my own power. The men I dated were simply characters in my video game whom I had to master before I could rise to the next level. The first few years were very painful. I met some low quality people simply because I had absolutely no discernment at all. I thought that anyone “nice” deserved my attention. I studied people, but I mostly I studied my own weaknesses, my own triggers, my own ego, so that I could identify my own toxic patterns. Other people’s toxic patterns mean nothing, You are wasting your time if you are focused on what is wrong with other people. You can simply chose not to be with them. But my own toxic patters were worth their weight in gold once I was able to dig them up and understood what to do with them.

I don’t believe that we come into this world to find a person to keep forever. That’s just your own codependency talking. One person cannot possibly teach us what we need to learn. Imagine a college curriculum with only one chapter, of what value would that degree be worth to you? This is why I don’t believe in The One, so I never tried to find one. Can you see how much pain and suffering women create for themselves insisting that there is only one person in this word for them? And when a dozen men show up to teach them lessons they failed over and over again, we believe there is something wrong with us- that monster was not the one. What did I do wrong?

Today we have access to greater knowledge than ever before, because we no longer need to bind ourselves with a marriage contract to just one person. Don’t you see how much more you know about men, dating and life than your mother and grandmother? They only had one teacher, and no one to compare him to. Most women today have access to a lifetime of emotional, career and romantic experiences, and we need to be grateful for that, not disappointed with the vast options. How could a human being learn and evolve within a limited range of experience like just one marriage or just one person to love? Can you learn more living inside the marriage bubble or outside? The first thing I realized during my first year of divorce is that my life was exponentially richer and more full of experience outside the marriage. I never would have evolved or truly gotten in touch with myself in the limited role I played as a wife.

Relationships are a school. They sharpen our interpersonal skills, through pain and turbulence, relationships force us to go within. That inner identity is your soul that came here to learn, and we can only learn by experiencing ourselves though situations with other people. Eventually, every relationship becomes turbulent. Your goal is not to endure turbulence, it is to find stability for yourself. Every connection will eventually end. The goal is not to figure out how to make it last longer, it is how to emotionally process loss and find power in endings. Learn how to flow with life, how to slay demons, how to strengthen all your weaknesses, how to mange your own ego. Learn how to feel pain and know what to do with it. You are a powerhouse of energy, and your job is to continuously raise your own consciousness, and you will never find awareness staring into the eyes of other people.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged dating, love, mental health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic-abuse, relationship, relationships, romance, single life, single woman, single women, the goddess principles | Leave a comment

When Forgiveness is Toxic, and How Not to Forgive

Posted on May 9, 2024 by Travel Clubs International

“People who force themselves to forgive know no peace”, Chido, the EQ Detective.

Have you ever been asked to forgive someone you weren’t ready to forgive? Have you ever been emotionally harassed or bullied to forgive someone whose actions feel unforgivable? Why are victims often pushed toward forgiveness?

Before you jump to conclusions and accuse me of saying that I don’t believe in forgiveness, I’ll start by saying that I very much do believe in it as an act of healing, self-love, and moving past life’s most difficult obstacles. I myself have had to forgive many people from my past, I have released many painful circumstances, and I won’t entertain comments claiming the opposite. I am aware how some readers love to project their own shortcomings, put words in my mouth, and interpret what was said in a way that bolsters their ego. The reason I stand in so much power today is because I have cleansed myself of other people’s judgements, projections, rage, and any harm inflicted upon my mind, body and spirit, and I did it through the power of forgiveness.

However, I see that many of you who have been harmed by others are conflicted about forgiveness. Perhaps you are being coerced into forgiving too soon. Maybe your intuition is telling you that in your particular situation, forgiveness is not the right course of action. It is possible that you are being shamed or guilted into forgiving someone who is willing and capable of crossing your boundary again. You have every right to feel conflicted and suspicious of anyone who demands forgiveness.

While I have written many times on my own journey toward freeing myself from other people’s toxic energies, I have never written about what healthy forgiveness looks like, and how toxic forgiveness is usually used against the victim to absolve abusers and sinners of all wrongdoing and perpetuate negative cycles of emotional and physical trespass.

On my own journey towards liberation and growth, I have been accused many times of carrying grudges against people who have crossed very serious boundaries. I have been accused of being non-forgiving as if it is some sort of crime against the perpetrator. Like many of you, I have been guilted and shamed into rethinking breakups with highly toxic men and women, as if cutting off a tumor or an energy vampire is a crime. I have even doubted my own ability to deal with toxic people, and for the “sake of peace” have attempted to negotiate and look for more effective ways to deal with manipulators just to create semblance of inner balance. Has peace with a narcissist or a pathological liar ever worked in my favor? No.

Forcing people to forgive is harmful to their mind, body and soul. It is an impediment to their personal growth, and is a form of coercion. Any healer, therapist and medical professional will tell you that healing is a process. There are stages to healing, and the victim’s authentic feelings must be honored. There are times when forgiveness can be harmful, especially when forgiveness involves exposure to exactly the person, act or situation that caused the injury. Forgiveness serves to liberate the victim from ruminating on the past, but it can only be done when the victim is finished with the process. It is the last step that involves letting go of the crime, so that we can step forward into a healthier future without looking back. Asking the victim to look back, ruminate, reconsider walking away, question their decision, is disrespectful and a huge red flag.

I am neither a psychologist nor a therapist, so I will leave the topic of healing strategies to them. I can only speak about my own journey, and I want to address those situations when it is perfectly okay, even preferable not to forgive. There are some people you absolutely must cut off from your life. You cannot respect yourself as you remain exposed to their toxin. You will never find inner peace, nor your personal power while you let them feed off your energy. We are all surrounded by toxic people, frenemies, narcissists, manipulators. Many of us repeat the same karmic cycles because we have failed the mission, we have failed to free ourselves, we have failed to put an end to certain relationships, and so we keep repeating painful situations with new toxic people. This often leads to seeing ourselves as victims of bad people with poor intentions, and to wonder why we are attracting more cycles of abuse. There is this toxic belief that we must repair toxic situations, that we must fix people, that we must endure bad relationships, that we must persevere in our mission to stay with users, controllers and manipulators, because if they aren’t becoming better, surely we must be doing something wrong. But the only thing that you are doing wrong is perpetually forgiving them.

Toxic people use forgiveness as a tool to continue to extract from their victims. This is why the victim is bullied and harassed into forgiving when they are not ready to do so. Toxic people will use friends, relatives, bosses and coworkers to gang stalk you, make you feel like you are wrong, and how your failure to forgive is your offense against them all. What is most important in such situations is to protect yourself from anyone who jumps on their forgiveness bandwagon, allow yourself the time and space to rationally filter through what feels wrong to you, and separate yourself from people who do not have your best interest in mind. They are operating from their own interest,and your forgiveness is what they need to absolve themselves from any wrongdoing. Have you ever observed how easily abusers free themselves from guilt or shame by placing those harmful feelings on the victim?

When you forgive before you feel ready, you are committing a crime against yourself. You are taking part in self-injury, and relinquishing your right to your own process, in favor of their absolution. You are sacrificing your own feelings, so they can feel absolved of their sins. You are allowing the abuser to go free, while you imprison yourself in your own unresolved emotions. If you have repeated many toxic cycles with people who have have harmed you and you have forgiven without cleansing your physical and spiritual body, you have accumulated a lifetime of unresolved issues and emotions which must be released. There are countless ways to do so, and I urge you to work with a professional to help yourself. But please know that the goal of any toxic cycle is to free and release yourself, rather that find new ways to bind yourself to toxic people and give them another chance.

If you are forcing yourself to forgive in order to preserve relationships, marriages, or toxic bonds, you will never rise, you will stunt your growth and development, you will reduce yourself, and you will carry a lifetime of emotional burdens dumped on you by people who are in your life to kick you until you learn to respect yourself. Our journey toward healing is in finding strength, freedom, inner power, inner peace, balance and release, it is not and never will be to endure.

So many women believe that forgiveness is allowing those who have hurt us back into our lives. It is not! The true meaning of forgiveness is finding so much peace in your own heart, that what they did no longer matters. When you have that much peace and balance, nothing they do can hurt you in any way. More importantly, when you have that much peace and balance, they have no chance to exist in your reality. Toxic people disintegrate in the presence of those who have achieved self-mastery.

I have a confession to make. I receive hundreds of physical, verbal, psychic and spiritual attacks. It is my own frenemies who wonder how I continue to thrive, grow, expand, build, persevere, receive bounties they can only wish for, and I do it all with ease. I don’t even flinch any more. And to receive such blessings, I have never had to retaliate against any of those who have harmed or attempted to harm me. I have stalkers and gang-stalkers, both male and female. There are people in my surroundings who exist only to take a bite and savor my energy. I never allow anyone to feed on my energy. I allow them to step forward because only then can I observe their true intentions. But cutting toxic people out of my life comes with no apology. They are like barnacles, parasites, they exist only to benefit from others. They bring nothing to anyone’s table. They exist to consume, feed, bloat their own egos. Do I forgive them? Yes, I do.

I do forgive the toxic people in my life with great ease, because I have healed, my wounds are sealed, my energy is cleansed, my soul is balanced, and I stand in my power. I can afford to forgive anyone for any reason, and it no longer feels uncomfortable. But the reason I can do this is because I do it for my own benefit and never for the benefit of the abuser. Forgiveness NEVER means allowing a toxic person into my life. I know that there is nothing they can do to change. The toxic will always remain toxic, so don’t let them fool you. I am strict about who I allow into my energy space or my personal life, and I make no apologies for who I cut off. Never! My table is clean. I trust myself and my own discernment. I am not afraid to say that I judge. My judgement is sound, and don’t apologize for it. I can forgive so freely because I know that there is nothing that parasite can do to tap into me. When you forgive too soon, you are allowing the parasite to try to tap into you again.

Forgive only when it suits you. Anyone who bullies or harasses you into forgiveness is not your friend. Healthy, healed people don’t do that. Instead they respect your time and space to heal, In my life, I have hurt people too. We all have. But I have never demanded forgiveness from anyone. I respect their decision whatever it is. While I will 100% apologize for my transgressions, I will never demand forgiveness. That is like demanding something I have not earned. Demanding forgiveness is extortion. It is a shameful attempt to erase a transgression and places the onus on the victim to bear the burden of a crime. An honorable person would not do that. Being respectful of other people’s time, space and energy means accepting the fact that I may not be forgiven. Feeling bad about what I have done comes with that. Yes, a transgressor is supposed to feel bad. Yes, that person who hurt you is supposed to feel awful. Anyone who harasses you into forgiveness is demanding that you erase any guilt they should feel. Why would you do that?

When people demand I forgive, I automatically respond “I have already forgiven you, I have already healed, I have walked away and I have closed that door a long time ago because it was in my own best interest”. That statement shows that the act is my own decision, and that it has nothing to do with them. That power to forgive is only within me, and my own to use with discernment. I forgive when it benefits me, as any victim should. Forgiveness is medicine that any victim can administer to themselves at their own discretion. It should never be administered to the benefit of the abuser who has not atoned for the crime. When you forgive before you are ready, you enable the transgressor to do it again, to you and to other victims. This is how toxic people get away with perpetuating bullying and abuse. Often it is the victims who enable them when they are in a hurry to forgive a crime that has not been paid for. In essence we make abuse okay for us and for everyone else, and thus silence the victims.

“The number one preachers of forgiveness are always toxic, narcissistic people…Anyone who forces you to forgive people when you are not ready to do it, when you feel like you don’t have the capacity to do it, is probably abusing someone else..and they want to continue pushing that narrative.” Chido, EQ Detective.

Forced forgiveness is nothing short of victim blaming. The onus is placed on the victim to absolve the abuser of wrongdoing and to bear the guilt, shame and weight of that transgression on their behalf. Now the victim carries that emotional burden for the rest of their life, while the transgressor feels free to do it to someone else. We all free the transgressor by forgiving rather than healing ourselves. People who perpetually expect forgiveness are perpetual abusers of forgiveness. Read that again.

This is how the victims get coerced into absolving abusers for their crimes, and make it socially acceptable to demand forgiveness. I repeat, forgiveness is always in the hands of the victim, and should never be demanded from them. Yes, forgiveness can be healthy, but only when the victim is ready, willing and totally healed. And it is also perfectly acceptable not to forgive, as long as we don’t hold onto that injury and re-live that situation. We all have the prerogative to administer the medicine to ourselves first. We share the medicine only once we have completely healed from the injury, and only if there is enough medicine to share with others. You don’t have to heal toxic people- smart women know that cannot be done. If you commit yourself to healing other victims, you will never revisit the past.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged faith, forgiveness, god, healing, jesus, relationship, toxic forgiveness, toxic relationship | 2 Comments

Are Women Paying For Relationships With Sex?

Posted on February 7, 2024 by Travel Clubs International

Let me rephrase that a few times. Are you paying for an opportunity to eventually get into a healthy relationship with your body? Are you paying for a chance that the person you are sleeping with will offer you a relationship or that he will eventually turn out to be a solid candidate for a relationship? Are you using your body to connect to males who are dead inside, only to find out later that that no one was home all along? What exactly are you having sex for? For pleasure? Most men are not pleasure. For an opportunity to be considered? For a chance with someone?

Toxic masculinity has fooled women into paying for a a chance to be in a relationship with sex. Biologically, it is the males who have a greater need for sex, and are even driven to compete for it. Historically, men have always paid for sex, women have not because we rarely needed it. Sure, some women need more sex than others, but access has always been and still is free for us. It is the women whose inboxes are full, and it is the males who keep filling them.

So, why do women believe that they must have sex by the third date or within a certain period of time? Why do women believe that sex will lead to something greater, like an emotional connection or marriage? Why do women pay to play the romance and relationship scam, when it is the men who need sex? We have been fooled, and no one is talking about this.

The reason we believed in sex on the third date is because men have created that rule to reflect the amount of time and money they are willing to invest in order to get it. This is not the amount of time it takes a woman to feel comfortable, nor the amount of time it takes for a woman to genuinely get to know a man. The time is not even enough to create a meaningful connection. It is a dating rule created by men for the benefit of men. But, does this rule benefit women at all? No. When sex happens, this is exactly the point at which women lose their footing in the connection. They give up exactly that which men are after, and now have to wait and see if he will return for more, continue relating, or disappear completely. Sex is that turning point where women lose all power in a situation. Each woman has far more power when she is NOT having sex with a man.When she is not giving anything away for free, that is the time when a woman has the power to negotiate. Not after she has given up the goods.

It is true that women are dropping out of the dating market faster than ever. It is true that we are far more likely to file for divorce. It is also true that a growing number of women are more satisfied being single than they are in relationships. So why would be pay to access men with sex?

When I listen to women chat in our private group, most are rarely satisfied with their partner’s performance. Most just put up with it because they hope to one day connect better, or eventually build a better relationship. The single ones believe that this is the path to commitment or marriage. But is it? Often it is after that first physical encounter that the male disappears, or loses interest. Often, it is after he has received unlimited access to sex via a cohabitation arrangement that the male no longer feels a need to make the relationship legal. We have all heard the adage “Why buy the cow when you can get milk for free”? Are women giving away sex for the illusion or false promise of an eventual contract?

If men are sex driven while women are relationship driven, doesn’t that mean that we have two drastically different goals? And if our goals don’t match, do we have a deal or no deal? Obviously, no one would make such a deal unless they are desperate. When two people have drastically different agendas, we cannot have a relationship. The mistake women are making is that they accept he may have a different goal for now, for the chance that eventually he will want a relationship later. And they pay for that minuscule chance with sex. Ladies, please stop buying opportunities with your mind, body and spirit. The chance is not worth what you are getting in return.

But back to the issue of paying for relationships with sex. If you are already in a relationship, are you maintaining it with sex? Why? If what we want is understanding, depth, a meeting of the minds, than why aren’t we establishing relationships with that? Why aren’t we evaluating male candidates based on their ability to emote and empathize, their commitment history, their ability to provide for their existing and future children? Because we are afraid he will drop out? It is true, many would, but of what value are males who are just in it for the sex? None at all. We have plenty of experience and direct evidence, that males who are solely seeking sex are doing nothing for womankind at all. Yet, we are still trading sex for relationships?

It is no secret that women desire healthy relationships. But why can’t we have them? Do men refuse to relate? Do they disengage from women who aren’t providing sex? Do they pretend to relate until they get some? The answer is all of the above, and a lot of women are catching on. Why would a healthy woman continue to offer up her body to males looking to score? We have absolutely nothing to gain from that other than an infection.

Women have been bamboozled into giving it up first, and waiting to see what happens later. But, later never comes and relationships rarely develop beyond the physical when we approach them with sex. How is that deal working out for you?

In most industries you pay first and receive the product later. You buy a dress, you pay first and take it home later. You order your groceries online first and get them delivered later. You pay for a house first, and you move into it later. Considering that men are the ones who need sex, shouldn’t they be committing first and accessing sex later? In fact, this is exactly how things used to be in the old days, when fathers controlled access to their daughters. You couldn’t court a woman unless the father approved of you, and you would not be allowed to access sex until you married her. Fathers are men, and men know exactly what other men are after. They knew that men who can access sex first, have no reason to marry later. Isn’t the same true today?

Yet many women believe that their performance in the bedroom will lead to a healthy relationship. Do you remember when doctors and psychologists used to tell us to keep men satisfied physically? Did that lead to any satisfaction for us? Nope, in fact this is what is driving women to file for divorce today. Women are exhausted. We are tired of giving, working, taking care of everybody, and paying for the privilege of doing so. Nobody needs to be in a relationship that badly.

Today, men are no longer paying for anything. They aren’t committing, they aren’t marrying, they aren’t even paying child support, instead they aim to cohabitate so they can access unlimited sex, free household labor, and get a woman to pay for at least 50%. But what drove women to agree to this arrangement? Desperation. There was this belief that we expire like sour milk if we don’t have a baby. There was this other belief, that we must have a man in order to be happy. Is that still true? There were other false beliefs, that if we don’t find a man we will be alone forever. Are we still afraid of that? Most single by choice women are looking forward to having their own space and time to themselves.

Fearmongering by media, church and politicians has been the global norm in every culture since the dawn of mankind. I’m surprised by how many women bought into that, and how long it took to wake up. Many women still can’t admit that they have been fooled. Fortunately, many are waking up to no longer compete for men, to no longer strive for a marriage contract, to no longer need a baby, so why exactly do we need a date? Men have even convinced us to pay for our own time to be on a date.

My professional background is in finance and economics, so I see everything in terms of supply and demand. I see that the supply of women willing to date, reproduce, or even engage with men is in decline. But men want to control the market anyway. Despite the fact that cheap and easy access to sex is dwindling, they are not willing to do anything of benefit to women to get it. Do you know what happens next? On rare occasions in history, both supply and demand have decreased at the same time. What happened then? That particular market collapsed. If no one is benefiting from a product or service, there is no longer a need for that product or service. Today, the marriage market is in collapse. Men are not willing to do the work to enter it, and women are not willing to pay for it with sex, free labor, free child rearing. That’s the end of marriage.

I am unfazed. I didn’t believe in the marriage institution anyway. I didn’t benefit from marriage, but I did benefit from freeing myself. I did benefit from pouring less of my energy into a man, and more into myself. In fact, I built a life that many find enviable. Today, I would not trade my lifestyle to be in a relationship. I still have relationships, but only for pleasure and only when I feel the need.

What is turning so many women off from men in general is lack of meaningful engagement, lack of connection, lack of human empathy, lack of feelings and genuine emotions, lack of personal character. We are waking up to the fact that men cannot provide, so why risk our bodies and health to access them? We are waking up to the fact that we cannot build deep relationships with a physical act. Many males who are available, don’t have that ability to bond or emote at all. Why pay for it with sex? Why allow them to access us? We lose every time.

As for sex, is it better with men or without men? Many women are now admitting that sex with their husband or partner is not enjoyable at all. A growing number of women are admitting to rarely having an orgasm, so sex is not worth chasing. But single women have a choice. They can have sex, or not. They can do it with a partner, or without a partner. Which way is more likely to produce an orgasm? Which type of orgasm is likely to last longer? The one without the man.

Tables are turning. The market for sex is shifting. Women’s access to a job and a paycheck has eliminated the need for many things we could only get from men. We don’t even need babies as much as we used to. And the reversal of Roe vs. Wade has driven a huge wedge into gender relations. It has sharply reduced our desire for sex. Today, sex comes at a huge risk, and it just isn’t worth pursuing. Women no longer have a reason to give it up indiscriminately, and men have created this situation for us. Basically, manhood shot itself in the balls when it put the last nail in the coffin of women’s reproductive rights.

We are at that point in society where tables are turning. As women gain more college degrees, we are gaining more economic power which will eventually lead to more political power. Women are starting to control the market for sex by dropping out of dating, or filing for divorce. Women who are divorced have little to no interest in pursuing marriage ever again. Traditional relationships and marriage agreements promised a lot but never delivered. And casual relationships lead us to take chances, and seek opportunities that never materialize. Is that a reason to have sex?

We are in a resting phase. Nothing has changed yet. But once women learn to satisfy their own needs, rest assured that the needs we identify that men can fulfill will require greater consciousness, strong personal character, a demonstrated ability to be of service, and that will be impossible for an ego-driven male to achieve. Women’s needs are largely interpersonal, emotional, spiritual, and focused on care for the self on all levels. We have learned a lot from our losses, I for one have benefited greatly from divorce, being single and finding my own personal power. Those of us who have gained will not renegotiate.

I believe that the need for traditional relationships will dwindle. Women feel no need to be controlled, owned, managed, or dominated by anybody. Transactional relationships will be for brothels only. Real women don’t seek to transact, we seek to relate. Now look at the pool of single men we have all dated. Are they capable of that? In the twelve years I have been single I have met only one man who could relate on that level, and we stayed platonic friends.

Women will be more sovereign, but I think that will benefit both genders. Sovereignty will liberate women to live on their own terms, but it will also free men from having to provide anything at all. What exactly will we need from each other? I’m’ not sure, but we will engage on a higher level. No longer will we trade sex for a game of chance, or a meager opportunity to eventually secure a relationship. Women will redefine sex, and I predict that five to ten years from now, sex will look more like a woman.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged dating, relationship, single life, single woman | 3 Comments

Intentional Dating vs. Giving Chances to Random Men

Posted on January 23, 2024 by Travel Clubs International

This post is a follow up to several of my previous ones where I mentioned that I only date intentionally and promised to expand on that topic. I have shared it in the private Goddess chat several times to see how the idea is received, but never expanded upon it in my blog. I find intentional dating to still be a foreign concept for most women, and it is definitely not for everyone. It is not for women who need or want experience with many different types of men, but it does work well for those of us who are tired of following dating rules and simply weary of dating in general. I have to admit, this only started to appeal to me once I re-thought what I want out of life, and started to appreciate the life I have already built for myself. This idea was born out of self-appreciation and wanting to date in a way that is more aligned with who I really am.

If I am going to date, it is very important that the experience is very pleasant for me. I have reached that point in life where I am highly satisfied with who I am as a person. I have a lot to be grateful for, especially my inner peace. I live the good life, I live the soft life, I treat myself better than anyone else, and I am not willing to do anything that I don’t enjoy. That includes dating, or giving my time and presence to people who simply ask for it. For me, dating is no longer a matter of taking chances on random men, giving time just because somebody thinks they deserve it, nor giving attention to males who don’t qualify.

What is your style of dating? There is this unhealthy, yet very common belief that dating and love are a matter of chance. Give a nice guy a chance. Take a chance on the guy you were never into. Pick the guy who is right under your nose, he might surprise you. Sure Tinder is a swamp no classy woman should swim in, but for some women that frog with warts might one day turn into a prince. We all know that one girl who took a chance on a random Tinder dude and scored. We all want to believe if we lower our standards just a bit, and play the dating lottery, that 1:999,999,999,999 anonymous dates will be a winner.

Do you realize what your odds of winning a prince are when you place your bets on random males with the following odds? 1:999,999,999,999 Who can do the math? Can you calculate the likelihood of that frog getting into your bed with those same odds? If math stumps you, let me put it to you this way. When you take a chance on a random male, who is actually getting the chance? You or him? Whose chances of scoring are higher, yours or his? Provided that scoring for you means you get into a strong, stable, healthy relationship, while scoring for him means getting laid, what are your chances? Extremely low.

Yet women are told that dating is a game of chance. Place you bets and chances are pretty high that a male will score while you loose each and every time. It is surprising to me how many women never wake up to the fact that the game is rigged and that the game only works in the favor of boys.

Those of you who are into chick lit, romance novels and movies are all too familiar with that gorgeous girl who meets a disheveled, discombombulated, confused male, and they hook up, and they have a baby, and only then she realizes that this scruffy, unwashed dude who lives in his mother’s basement is her one true love. Look around your circle of friends, how many women are taking scary chances with their minds, bodies and souls with men who have no intention of doing anything positive for her to meet her relationship goals. Why are women so enamored with chances? Do you really need a chance, or do you need a solid, committed man who is your intellectual, financial, emotionally healthy equal? Do men become that by chance? Then why are you betting against yourself when it comes to dating?

Men don’t grow into strong, capable, committed, successful adults by chance. They become that only with intention. Some guys are intentional about their future and their success, and other guys play video games, watch porn, and spend countless hours in the manosphere of social media. Which one is for you?

Men who are serious about their futures don’t take chances when looking for a serious, qualified partner. When they are looking to hook up, sure they will pick the lowest hanging fruit, the one who is the easiest to talk to, the one who is most approachable, they one who will show up on a last minute date. But when they are looking for a wife, they want somebody impressive, not random. They don’t want the girl on the street. Men take easy pickings to hook up, and are totally intentional when they are looking for a spouse.

Yet a lot of women are looking for husband in the trash. Giving unqualified males a chance devalues you. This idea that you have to sift through dust and sh*t to find a man is absolutely ridiculous. It was Melanie Hamlett who said that “desperate women are reckless”. They are reckless with their bodies, their minds, their self-respect, taking chances on the lowest common denominator.

The reason I am writing this post is that I think that women who value themselves should be much more intentional when dating. Our standards must be much higher, and when you see that your dating results are poor or unfavorable, you have to have the courage to raise your standards up a notch, and not be tempted to lower them. When you are feeling down, it is tempting to want to lower your standards, and that is what society and men tell us to do. But this only works in a cheap man’s favor. It makes desperate women even more available, increasing their chances of hooking up with even lower, less qualified men.

I wish all women had the courage to keep rising. If you are not getting what you want, if you are not being treated well enough, it is because you are allowing yourself to be treated by men who don’t have any reason to treat you better. That is not your man. A guy who is looking to hook up, has no reason to treat you like a goddess, it is too much work. He wants a cheap and easy girl, who will help him score sooner rather than later. And if you are her, your odds of finding a prince are minuscule. The odds are not in your favor if you date by male rules. And lets face it, they created this icky dating culture. But it is us to control access, and it is our fault when we don’t enforce standards.

I want every woman to date powerfully, not powerlessly. I wish every woman had the guts to say no, disengage, detach, and drop out of marathon dating low quality men. The first step is to take a long time out, heal, detoxify your body and soul, care for yourself. Take a long vacation from dating, or go on what I call a man diet. This will help you re-calibrate until you decide who and what you want.

Write yourself a list of 50 qualities you would like in a partner. The top 10-15 should be your non-negotiables. If he doesn’t possess them, don’t even make eye contact with him. When you think about it, why would you give a man a chance if he obviously does not meet your requirements? Remember that any chance he gets with you is a chance for him to score. Even if he does want a relationship, most men still get sex even when a relationship does not work out. That is a drain on you. Don’t let unqualified males near you. You don’t owe them that.

Second, only date men who you are interested in first. Instead of talking to every male, instead of going on random dates to find out if there is chemistry, find out if you are interested in him first. You don’t need to give a man free access to your time and body to find out. Ask all the questions first, and if you see no reason to be with him, don’t waste your time. Do not be guided by benefit of the doubt and allow time to decide if he becomes more qualified later. You lose immediately, and you are taking chances that he will come up with one quality that redeems him as you waste your time.

I use my $100 bill test. I ask myself, would I spend a $100 to get a date with this guy? Is he worth an hour of my time? Your time may be more valuable than $100 per hour. You are entitled to that. When I started thinking in terms of value for my time, I realized that I would not spend a dollar to get an hour with most men. Yet, I was accepting dates from those same men. Why? I was bored, I didn’t have anything better to do, I was feeling peer pressure from women who were dating much more. Often, I allowed a guy to talk me into giving him time, I fell for the “give a nice guy a chance” and then regretted it the minute we sat down. By dating only the men who asked me out, I was swimming in a very toxic pool, in fact I was in the wrong pool. None of these guys were my intellectual, emotional, professional equals, they were merely the ones who were the most readily available.

Today, if I have no personal interest in a guy, I don’t give him any consideration. I don’t allow random males to take up my time, to tell me I am too picky, to DM me. I am not random. You don’t get to meet me by clicking on my profile. I only talk to men I am interested in, not the other way around.

Mentally, I have created a small pool of qualified men. No, I don’t date them all, but I do get to know them at my own pace, and screen them for relationship status, reputation, professional level, sophistication, emotional intelligence and I don’t even tell them that I am doing that. I am only talking to them, not random frogs who contact me. But this way, my dating pool is not random, it is qualified.

My pool is small. You all have seen for yourselves that the number of men who actually qualify for your attention is very small. This is exactly what I want. A small, highly qualified pool is much cleaner than a huge swamp with warty frogs. Trust me, thee is no prince in that swamp you keep diving into, but odds are high you’ll get warts or an STD.

I started dating intentionally in 2020 at the start of lockdown. In 2020, I broke up with my toxic ex. I decided that I am no longer going to date anyone unless I am interested in him first. Once it was solely up to me to be interested, I realized that I am actually not interested in anyone at all. I also realized that there are very few men who I find remotely attractive, or even genuinely interesting. This made me realize that by dating random people who asked me out, I was giving away my time and attention out of boredom, often out of a feeling of obligation, never out of my own genuine interest. How many icky dates have you been on? Did you pick that guy or did he pick you? How many so-so men did you give a chance to? How many mediocre, there’s nobody better around dudes did you spend time with? Weren’t they all a complete waste of your time and energy?

In 2021 I went on 2 dates with 2 qualified guys. It only took 2 dates to realize they are very nice, but not for me. I have to say that those 2 dates were far better in quality of the interaction than any random date I ever went on. Both guys were highly intelligent, well-mannered, respectful, just not for me. But by only dating the two I was interested in, I eliminated the riffraff. I felt better about the time I invested, rather than feeling like sh*t for giving some loser access and a chance to make me feel bad about myself. In 2022 I only went on 1 date with a quality guy, and in 2023 only 1. And I am really starting to like that one more. I like that I am not wasting my time and my attention span on low-value males, I like that my standards are so high that all of them asked me on a very nice date. I like that even if I find out I am not into them, I still feel good about the time I spent with them. I only give access as long as I am interested. If after 1-2 dates I figure out he is not for me, I don’t waste his time, because I wouldn’t want anyone to do that to me. I don’t string men along, to see if maybe I like them more later. I know myself, I know what I want, and I trust my own good judgement.

I don’t date on benefit of the doubt. Meaning, I don’t date to see if I can grow to like him, or to see if he turns from a frog into a prince later. That is a waste of my time, and an opportunity for me to eventually lower my standards. I never allow a male to talk me into giving him a chance. I only date with my own interest.

I know most of you would be shocked by how little I date. But I only date when I want to, only when it feels good to me, and only when I am approached respectfully. I don’t need a big roster, I don’t need a date every Friday. Honestly, my Fridays and Saturdays are for my friends who bring value to my life. Each and every one of my friends is worth my best time slot, my finest wine, and my best energy. I don’t waste my Fridays and Saturdays on Tinder trash. Sorry to those of you who are still on Tinder.

Dating with intention means dating only on your own terms. It is not up to the guy to set the terms. This is the BS we have all accepted, which has forced women to lower standards, give chances to random dusties, waste their best years on players and worst of all, compromise their bodies, emotional and mental health. Women waste so much time dating only the men who ask them out, when they could be dating only the men they want.

I set my own terms, you all should create your own. But remember, after each guy, you must raise your standards even higher, not compromise to make them lower. Each guy is a new learning experience, and each person teaches me about what I am settling for, what boundaries I am still not defending, and what requirements I still need to sharpen. Every girl should have her list of 50, and that list should be refined every year. It can even be a list of 100, with the first 25% of most important qualities being your non-negotiables.

And if you are wondering what I do with the random dudes who dare take their chances on me, the answer is nothing. No response. The time it takes me to respond to some random dusty is the time I could be using to pick my nose. No response is the best response. It states exactly how I feel about his qualifications. My DMs are full of unanswered chats.

Men talk, and they talk about me. Sometimes I run into random ones at parties and they remark “I know I have no chance with you” or “I know better than to mess with you”. That’s right. I’m not the one you mess with. Go mess with some unaware, confused, girl. Take your chances on whoever will give you one, I am not anyone’s random chance.

But since I cut down on dating drastically, de-centered men, and started dating only intentionally, I feel like a much healthier person. I am more centered, more appreciative of my good friends, more healthy. No one, absolutely no one can make me feel bad about myself, or make me question my own decision. Your dating strategy must be created entirely by you, and not set by a dating culture or hookup culture. That won’t work in your favor.

Take the time to meet the kind of people you are interested in only. You probably never thought of that because you have been giving opportunities to whoever asks you out. If you only give time to those who ask you out, then your choices are slim. No wonder women think they have to settle. Usually the guys who ask the most women out are the most desperate, the most eager to get their numbers up, the most active on the market, Some guys play the numbers game, and they ask out every woman they know indiscriminately because they know that one out of a 100 will say yes. But those are usually the lowest quality males simply looking to play a game of chance. Its your fault if you give it to them.

Where have I met the best quality people? I run a large east coast social network, so this is where I have met most of my long term and short term relationships. I’m lucky, I don’t need a dating app. By creating my own social circle, I am in charge of who gets invited, who gets access and whom I introduce to my friends. You could simply start a meetup, or a professional organization. Also, in the past I have met the best quality people via professional organizations, conferences and after work gatherings. For years I worked on Wall Street, this is where I met people of the same educational level as me. This doesn’t mean that everyone I dated was great, but I always dated in a qualified pool. Dating randomly where there are no qualifications to meet you like on a dating app is just the wrong space for a professional woman with standards. You don’t want to date in a pool of a million dusties and warty frogs, you want a pool of just 10-12 exclusive members. Build your own pool and please only date selectively.

Since 2020, I only dated 4 people, and as I mentioned above, all four where much better men than the dozens I met before. Every one of them had positive qualities that I selected. I didn’t have to exhaust myself on random dates with strangers, I pre-qualified them by getting to know them professionally or through friends, and found out most of what I needed to know before the first date. I do look for genuine people, but I won’t list the qualities I am looking for here in a public blog.

The less time you give to random males, and the fewer chances you take with your own time, the healthier you will feel. But this will only be worthwhile if you have actually reached that point in life where you highly appreciate who you are, what you’ve got and you respect your time, mind, body and soul. Some girls will always be out there running after some scruffy nobody. I have reinvested the energy saved on random males into myself. At this point in my life, only very few people equal the quality of my own time. If it doesn’t bring me immense joy, I don’t consider it.

S

P.S. I repeat, Women waste so much time dating only the men who ask them out, when they should be dating only the men they want. Let that sink in.

Posted in Blog | Tagged dating, feminism, intentional dating, love, relationship, relationships, romance, single woman | Leave a comment

The Value of a Woman’s Presence

Posted on January 11, 2024 by Travel Clubs International

Have you ever witnessed how much benefit men get from having your friendship, your mere presence in their lives? Have you ever felt uncomfortable with how they use your presence to boost their ego, shore up their masculinity or gain admiration from other males at your expense? Have you ever noticed how men insinuate physical connections when in reality there are none?

Much has been written about how much males gain from marriage, and how the union benefits male careers, social status, physical and emotional health. Much has also been written about how much males benefit from cohabitation, steady access to sex, female energy, not to say free household labor as well as a reduction in household expenses. But not much has been written about how males benefit from a female’s mere presence. From friendship, to companionship to simply belonging to your social circle, males gain a lot from having access to women.

Have you noticed how a male’s status increases from having access to women? Males who surround themselves with a lot of women are perceived as more successful than males who have no access to women at all. When males succeed financially, the tendency is to spend money to access female attention, whether it is through dating or partying, they seek to create the image of having a lot of female energy, even when that image is false. Even males who have no access to women will seek to create the illusion of having relationships they don’t actually have. Why?

Growing up I always had more male friendships than female ones. I never understood why, but men always hung out with me, and unconsciously I used to freely give them my time and energy. In fact, like most nice girls, I believed in the value of those friendships and overestimated their worth simply by placing too much importance on them. We all want to believe in the relationships we have, even when those connections show some red flags. But in my 20s and 30s I easily ignored those red flags. In the last three years, I started to greatly limit male access to me, and I have benefited greatly from distancing myself from connections that benefited males in ways that made me uncomfortable.

Have you ever analyzed the actual value of your friendships with males? Have you ever listed what they actually bring to your platonic friendship table? Have you ever observed what your male friends gain from your presence?

Many of you are still friends with your exes, many of you hang out with random males, Do you notice how your mere presence strokes the male ego, raises their social status, boosts their image? Under the guise of a platonic friendship, they still get to access you, your time, your emotional labor, you just now get to pay for half of that access. You probably never thought about this, but a friendship with a woman does a lot to boost a man’s image, even if he does not have the emotional qualifications nor the social skills to be in an actual romantic relationship. He still gets to be seen in public with a woman who would not date him if she was aware what he is getting out of her presence.

Many ladies aren’t even aware how a mere photo on social media boosts a man’s masculinity while at the same time it devalues her in the eyes of other men. We all think it is innocent to pose in a suggestive way, drape ourselves all over a male even surround a male with a group of females. A photo like this raises a man’s worth immediately. Suddenly everyone sees him as having female attention, social and sexual status. But what about the women in the same photo? They may not be interested in him at all, but posing suggestively or draping themselves over a man devalues them. It makes them look easy, loose, free and overly available in the eyes of other males. Your presence is valuable, don’t give it away so easily.

As someone who grew up in male company, I now see how many of those connections were not true and authentic friendships. It took decades to call it what it is, an illusion or a delusion that I had a true friend. I often suspected that the guys were benefiting in other ways from being connected to me, but I could never verbalize how. Perhaps I was emotionally immature to understand. Like most nice girls with low boundaries, I never took account of how much these friendships cost my emotional health, my reputation and my self worth. Perhaps I was too embarrassed to question their motives, nor could I defend my self worth. But, much of the gain the men got was hidden, never discussed, never addressed, never called out.

Without recounting each individual friendship in great detail, in the end over 90% of those friendships with males ended when the male finally realized that he could never have me, Yes, those great friends I thought so highly of were simply waiting for me to become single, or eventually interested. I had a college friend for over 20 years who called me as soon as his divorce was completed to tell me that he is ready for me now. He simply assumed that I was waiting for him.When I told him I don’t want to date him he was shocked, angry, called me names after 20 years of what I perceived to be a solid friendship. The remaining 10% males got blocked when I found out they told stories about dating me to their cronies and their girlfriends.

I have had many males hang out with me in order to insinuate a physical connection to their other male friends. Imagine how it feels when a bunch of low level incels believe that I slept with their unsleepable friend. It feels like a violation that no woman can ever prove, because she is never privy to those inuendos. Males validate each others’ fantasies and believe in them even when they are far fetched, because they rely on each other to shore up their masculinity. They rarely question each others’ reality or each others’ conquests because to do so comes with a risk that they too will be discredited.

I have had males use me to make their girlfriends and wives uncomfortable. I can’t count the number of times somebody’s girlfriend gave me the evil eye or somebody’s wife couldn’t look me in the face. Meanwhile, I wouldn’t touch her man with a 10 ft pole. Males are insecure, highly, highly insecure. And when their masculinity is shaky, they will try to destabilize their woman to make themselves feel more secure. However, like most good friends,I actually believed in that friendship with the male. Even though I knew what they were doing, I stayed silent to protect the friendship. Is that a true friendship? I wasn’t even being true to myself. Inside, I felt gross that my friendship was being used to insinuate a physical connection that never happened. But on the outside, I was silent, protecting my so called “friend”.

I am glad that most of those friendships ended, and I would not allow any male to boost his ego at my expense. Today I am very protective of my energy, I limit access to people I have vetted, and when a guy tries to insinuate something or stroke his own ego in my presence, I actually call him out. I don’t mind embarrassing males at all because I know that what they fear the most is exposure. No man wants his masculinity denied by a woman, especially not in front of friends. So when I suspect that a male has made a claim about me, I openly say No, that never happened, or I tell his wife in front of him, “You know that George and I never dated” which usually puts women at ease, and lets the male know not to dare make such an insinuation again.

You have to be firm, and you have to be respectful of your own image, because insecure males will use it to shore up their masculinity. The more insecure they are, the more likely they are to do it. Our silence protects them, but our openness shuts them up. Rest assured that most of these guys present as “nice guys” and will make it your fault when they are exposed. Be fine with that.

A few years ago a girlfriend of mine was devastated when she found out that the man she has been dating for six months was impotent. He never informed her, simply strung her along. When she found out he acted like it is none of her business, like she was ridiculous for complaining. She broke up with him only to find out the next day he was posting pictures online with a new girlfriend. Shortly after, that woman dumped him too, and immediately he was posting pictures on social media with three girls in their 20s. Why do males do that? To cover up the masculinity that is missing. But, notice how each woman’s presence was being used to create an illusion of his masculinity, potency and sexual prowess that he didn’t actually have. And to other males his illusion was believable. Nobody questioned him, in fact he was congratulated and admired for his ability to score so quickly. In the real world males get applause for what women provide for them. To the world it looked as if he had 5 women, in reality he disappointed and used all 5 of them. Incidentally, the 20 year olds were just hanging out with him (not dating him) because he kept paying for expensive dinners and nightclubs. They were too young to be interested. He still used their presence to create an illusion.

Currently, one of my girlfriends is accusing another of flirting with her husband. I was there, this did not happen. Instead, her unattractive husband has been acting like other women are after him, and is doing his best to make his wife feel insecure, trying to manipulate her into giving him something she doesn’t want. He is using the presence of women in our social group to trigger his wife, and it is working. Meanwhile, this guy is unattractive to us all. None of us pay any attention to him socially, he is ignored at most events, and none of the ladies in our group would ever flirt with another woman’s man. This guy is a 2/10 and his wife is an 8/10, so you can see why he is so insecure. But, simply allowing him in our social circle because his wife is our friend has destabilized our friendships. He is manipulating our friends just to trigger his wife emotionally and the only reason he can do this is because he has access to our circle of friends. I can think of two other women who are in similar situations with their partners, who are using female attention to disempower and make their girlfriends jealous, while no woman is actually interested in them.

Over the years I have dropped many male friends when I realized these connections felt icky to me. Sometimes, I wasn’t even aware of how or why this felt uncomfortable, only to later find out that a guy I politely rejected claimed to have had me anyway. Which leads me to wonder how many unsuspecting women get used under the guise of friendship to give away time and energy for a male’s personal gain. Of course this cannot be measured, but self-aware women know when their energy isn’t reciprocated correctly and respectfully.

The older I get, the more cognizant I am of my own value, my own energy, and who I give attention to. I have cleaned up my table and tightened my circle of friends. I am more aware of how my energy is used by other people, whether they reciprocate equally, and whether their presence is healthy. I am unapologetic about having to cut off a few barnacles, withdraw attention from people who feed on it, and don’t give away my time or attention so easily. I have benefited greatly from doing this. Many of the people I ended things with were males who were benefiting from my time, attention, advice, caring, and used that for their own personal gain.

But the greatest benefit to me has been speaking up. As uncomfortable as this is for women, nothing in the world feels more powerful than calling out a male when he has insinuated a connection at your expense. His story boosted his masculinity at the expense of your own worth. Why do males get a free pass for using their friends this way? Speaking up and calling them out has been so freeing and so cleansing for my energy, it feels like a spiritual detox.

Many women bottle up their emotions not wanting to cause a conflict. We all know the wrath a male can inflict when his mask has been pulled off and his illusion shattered. However, our silence is exactly what has created this imbalance between the genders, where our silence strengthens their insufferable egos. We have to speak up. Sure, men will avoid women like us, and that too is a good thing. Personally, I don’t want parasitic friendships, and I no longer value quantity over quality in my social circle. I realized that many of the males I kept in my circle weren’t true friends at all. They brought nothing to my table, but benefited greatly from my kindness and my attention.

Some of you are actively dating, and are struggling with blurred lines between romantic, platonic and friends with benefits type connections. I urge you to see that when the lines are blurred, they rarely benefit you. Somebody is always benefiting from your confusion under the guise of friendship. Redefine your friendships, create rules of engagement, list requirements for time and access to your company, and you will see that all your relationships will either improve or disintegrate. Don’t fear losing friends. The ones who disappear are no longer good enough for you.

Nothing changed until I started cutting people out of my life. I made some tough choices and many people were displeased with me. Be unapologetic with your self-respect. You will gain more respectful friends out of that. But, once I started ending so called “friendships” with males who were simply benefiting from me, even my dating life improved. There are higher standards in place now, my dating strategy is purely intentional, and no one gets access to me unless they step forward correctly.

Stop giving away your time freely to random males who just want to hang out and tap into your energy. No genuine friendship will come out of your indiscriminately pouring your attention into them. No male can entice me to hang out and give him my time or attention. But before your dating life can improve, you must cut off the useless males who are feeding on your attention. They are unattractive to healthy males who see you pouring into them, and they devalue you in the eyes of quality people. You can’t build a healthy social circle when you are surrounded by unhealthy attachments. It is impossible.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged emotional labor, female presence, feminism, friendship, gender, male friends, masculinity, mental health, platonic friendship | 1 Comment

A Woman in Power

Posted on October 4, 2023 by Travel Clubs International

POWER. What is it? How do you know if you have power, or if you are truly a powerful woman. Power is a loaded word. It offends some people, especially when the word is used to refer to women. How dare she? Who does she think she is? When a woman is truly powerful, she is 100% satisfied with who she is, what she has got, and nobody can make her feel insecure. No one can convince me that there is something wrong with me, no one can make me feel bad about myself, no one can convince me that I need to come down to earth, in fact I am quite comfortable way up here.

The most powerful women need nothing. The operative word here is need. A woman in need has no power at all. If she is seeking fulfillment for whatever is missing in her life from external sources, she is an easy target, and her handicap can easily be used to keep her small, a “real woman”. Who decided that a real woman must be soft, small, manageable, compliant,accessible, adoring, and to never compete with men? Is that who you aspire to be? Some women do. Some even urge their daughters to be that way in the 21st century.

Who decided that a woman who can remain unaffected by anything thrown at her is a “scary woman”, “not a real woman”? Why is a truly powerful woman, that inaccessible one who refuses to bend over, who refuses to submit, why is she the bad girl?

I have no problem with whatever anyone chooses to call me. I am cool with who I am. I am cool with losing people, friends, men too. I want my table clean, so if you’re going to eat at my table, then talk about me when you walk away, you have no business sitting here.

I am not afraid to stand alone. In fact, a long time ago, I realized that I am much more powerful alone than with someone. I looked at all my prior relationships and realized that when I was coupled, even in my best relationships, I had far less power. Either I was in a relationship with a male determined to keep me in check, always gently and lovingly reminding me that I don’t need to be so powerful. Or I was with males trying to usurp my power- how dare she, let me get a grip and control of whatever she’s got. Or I was in relationships where I needed to be soft and gentle and get off my pedestal, None of those situations felt good to me, I was in them because I thought that love and relationships were more important than being who I truly am.

I think I was powerful when I was 5. Even then my dad would jokingly tell me that I cannot be the boss. At 14, I learned to argue him into a corner, and he told me that with that attitude and such low respect for my superiors no one will ever want me. What made him believe he was superior? If he couldn’t win a logical argument against a 14 year old, then was he truly superior? All my life, I was told to soften. Girlfriends urged me to get into my feminine energies, but when I tried I didn’t feel like my self. The fact is, I am not hungry for power, and I never take anything from anyone. I just want to be who I truly am, and if that is not feminine, than I am okay with that.

But, I also realized that whenever I was single and comfortable with it, I was in my best form. When I am single, I am usually thriving. No man is competing with me, though many try, I just dismiss them. I have had some nasty girlfriends in the past, they don’t stay in my life for long. When I am single, I am focused on myself, on living my best life, on cultivating genuine relationships with people I can actually respect. I am much more powerful when single, and I always see my life growing in a positive direction. What is wrong with that?

Recently, 2 guy friends accused me of being frigid. I giggled. I am not frigid, I just know how to seal off my energy around certain people. But maybe that is how people perceive me, and that too is okay. My energy is not for everyone. I share it openly with people I love, in fact I shower them with it. But when you cannot access it, it is decidedly not for you.

I’m not sure if any other women feel this way. Does anyone else feel more powerful when they are single? I feel like in a relationship I must share my power. Any time I am part of a two person team, I feel like I’m operating at 50%. I’m sharing the throne. Why do I have to do that?

A while ago I watched a documentary about Queen Elizabeth I, the one who never married. Many men tried to marry her, but she refused everyone. She remained in power because she refused to marry. Of course, there were many rumors about her. They called her the virgin queen, but she had plenty of lovers, even found herself pregnant once. She chose not to marry, nor to have children. Imagine what would have happened if she married. She would have had to share her throne.

Her counterpart, Mary Queen of Scots, was forced to re-marry as soon as her husband died. But the guy she married made an immediate play for her throne. He immediately started to have affairs, tried to derail her reign, and install himself on her throne. So, which woman was smarter? The one who understood the source of her power, and knew how to protect it.

I know that most women are still eager to share their throne. Though the idea is becoming less popular today, it is still important to some ladies. But, I think I was sitting on that throne when I was 5. Why would I share it?

I do wonder what a relationship would look like with me maintaining my own throne. Is that possible? I never wanted to re-marry, because I love living alone. But I wonder what a relationship would look like with a person who has his own throne, and needs no part of mine. I am at the point in my life where I am completely satisfied, and am not looking to share, compromise, nor soften myself. Sorry, but that’s not who I am. I love that I reign supreme in my own life.

When I meet men, all I see is what I don’t need. I’d love to meet someone I can actually admire as a human being, but I wouldn’t necessarily need to contractualize my relationship with him. I’m curious what my counterpart would look like, but we could just as easily remain platonic friends. But when all other males are concerned, all I see is “not enough”. Males who I would have to settle for, males who are in need and projecting their needs onto me, or males who would feed their egos being in a relationship with me. No thanks to that.

I was married once, and I shared my power. Back then I thought that true love was me pouring all my energies into a man. And of course, I gave my energy away freely, and my ex truly grew into a powerful man. He was satisfied as long as I remained smaller, softer, and in the background. But when I took back my power, started pouring into myself, and made more money than him, that marriage was over. And he told me that I did nothing for him, and that I should go flip burgers for a living. I walked way, and he never was powerful again. Shortly after, he started losing jobs, employers realized he was a phony, and no one was buying his “powerful act” any more.

Post divorce, I still made mistakes. I still gave my energy away, and men saw an opportunity to empower themselves through me. Some dated me so they could show off their manhood to their friends, others saw what I could give them. Each was just taking, and not one had the energy needed to empower himself. Males will take whatever you are willing to give them, or whatever you refuse to protect. No wonder they try to feed on as many women as they can. Our stupidity is in sharing our energy with them.

I will explain this energy in another post. I eluded to it many times, but never truly explained. A woman’s energy is a million times more powerful than the energy a male can generate. This is why historically, men have tried to control, suppress and contractualize relationships with women. Men feed on female energy, and the males who have no access to women have no perceived social standing at all. Notice how men who want to project power, immediately surround themselves with as many women as possible? The stupidity of women is in allowing it.

Women who are truly powerful, understand that they are the source, and that their energy must be protected. They are not running after anyone, eager to pour into half-witted men. Instead, they seal off their energy, and use it to expand themselves.

Talking to some of my girlfriends, I see that many are approaching this point in their lives. Once they have shifted their focus toward expanding themselves, they satisfied whatever urges they had to run after people. The ones who are in romantic relationships don’t want to live with anyone, they are maintaining their own lives separate from the relationship. And the ones who are single, are happily single. A few are still running after males, but I see those numbers dwindling.

But speaking of power, I am curious if you feel powerful and if you feel more so when you are single? Are you still searching for someone to give your power to, or share your power with? Do you yearn to have someone sitting on your throne?

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged love and the single girl, powerful women, single women, women | 2 Comments

The Patriarchy Cannot Survive If Women Are Fearless

Posted on July 28, 2023 by Travel Clubs International

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear being single.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear being child free.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear getting old.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear the biological clock.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear competing with men.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear what males think of them.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear being in the lead.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear speaking up.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t fear their own power.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women decenter men.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t give a damn about patriarchs.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t believe in gender roles.

The patriarchy cannot survive if women don’t submit.

All those things that women are afraid of are the very things that will set women free. Our only downfall was that we ever believed them.

So, stand up and take your place. Walk into that boardroom, take the lead, have that child on your own, leave that male, drop out of the race to catch a husband, create the life you want for yourself. Always speak up, especially when males disapprove of your opinion. They are more afraid of you than you are of them.

Your attention and your energy empower the patriarchy and all males in your life. Withdraw your attention, drop out of their race, refocus your energy into yourself. Give to yourself, speak highly of yourself, don’t worry about who is pissed off.

The patriarchy as well as toxic males, project their own fears onto women. There is nothing more powerful that realizing that all those things you have been afraid of, are really their own fears. Isn’t it obvious that insecure males live in fear that women will compete with them? Isn’t it obvious that they live in fear that women won’t need them? Isn’t it obvious that they fear seeing us in the lead? That’s why they shame us into thinking we are not soft nor feminine enough for them.

You didn’t come into this world to be second to a man. You are here to take your place, no matter who has a problem with it. So speak up, state confidently what men are afraid to hear, never fear their shame or disapproval.

Let them call you a bitch, a witch, the C word, a feminist, or whatever they are terrified of. Your power is in being unaffected by their word. Allow them to display their own insecurities for all to see. What they are really displaying is their own irrationality, their own impotence, their own fear. Make sure you never accept what they project onto you.

It is time that women stop believing in that small, second-class role that manhood has projected onto them. The only way we can create space for ourselves is if we stop responding to societal pressure, and stop arguing for our own self worth. That conversation does not serve us, it is always twisted and used against us.

Archaic institutions like the patriarchy, organized religions and other cults of manhood are dying. They are fighting for their last breath because women are dropping out as their subscribers. Without our subscription they have nothing to sell to infantile males. They cannot fan the flames of masculinity nor feed its ravenous ego without women who are willing to submit. This is what all the anger and rage is about. Women have nothing to do here.

As threatened as the patriarchy feels, what they don’t understand is that we never tried to compete with them. We did what we had to in order to survive when the males in our lives failed to provide, failed to feed their own children, failed to respect, failed to protect and honor their wives, their mothers, their daughters. They taught us how to take care of our own needs.

When they refused to pay child support men taught us how to provide for our own children. When they refused us healthcare, they taught us how to take care of ourselves. When they walked all over our rights to bodily autonomy, they taught us to protect ourselves. When they barred us from universities, they taught us how to push our way in. When they blocked us from the workplace, they taught us how to earn our own paycheck. Today, 42% of all business owners are women. And now the patriarchy would like it if we felt guilty and ashamed for being our own partners, husbands, and providers. The patriarchy drove a nail into its own coffin when it took away Choice. It is the conceit of manhood that believed there could be no repercussions for its own stupidity.

The world is full of real men. In fact, there is no shortage of them. And those men have nothing to fear. Evolved men will always be wanted, they will always be needed, they will always be equal partners to women they respect. In fact, natural selection ensures that those men are always taken. Women aren’t vying over the egotistical, hyper-masculine, hyper-sexual, narcissistic, uneducated, cavemen. We are partnering with equals who exhibit empathy, sensitivity, intelligence, and strong parenting skills. We are not shunning manhood, we are selecting those males who possess traits that ensure our well-being and the well-being of our children.

If women do absolutely nothing, the patriarchy will die of its own conceit, because there is no need for that trait in humanity. There is no need for dominance, in fact that trait destroys balance that society desperately needs. There is no need for aggression, violence, suppression, control, manipulation. There is no need for the male ego which dominated religion, culture and society for the last 2000 years.

Manhood isn’t dying, but the male ego is. What feeds on female attention, female validation, female submission? The ego. Take away your attention, decenter men as the main focus of your lives, and the ego will rage against itself. Women are doing nothing to compete with males, we are simply focusing onto ourselves.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged child free, evolved man, feminism, male ego, manhood, patriarchy, real men, toxic masculinity, what women want | 3 Comments

Love Junkies and Man Crazy Women I’m Cutting Off

Posted on July 27, 2023 by Travel Clubs International

This one is bound to be a sensitive topic, as I am sure many women have been at the opposite end of this situation, in a position where they feel like they are being left behind by their girlfriends. It is rough to lose friends. For many this is demoralizing and it triggers feelings of abandonment. A lot of women keep going through repeating cycles where they feel like no one supports them, no one wants a long-lasting connection with them, and that their girlfriends just don’t care. I am speaking as someone who frequently walks away from people who don’t reciprocate equally, nor offer the level of friendship that I bring to the table. This is my way of letting go, ending old cycles, respecting my own boundaries, and moving towards friendships that are more positive, equal, and satisfying.

Over the last twelve years, I have made many wonderful connections. I am lucky because I make friends easily, and I attract people like a magnet. That comes with a ton of responsibility toward myself. As much as I attract genuine people with depth and kindness, I also attract shallow ones who pose one way, but bring something entirely different to my table. I can’t afford to connect with people who are toxic, empty, thirsty, shallow, competitive, or grown women who never reached a level of maturity it takes to be of value in a lasting friendship. Shallow connections cost me my time, attention, and my energy, and they leave me feeling wasted, drained, and disrespected. In this time span, I have learned what kinds of women I want in my life, and I filter the ones who I find lacking in qualities I find necessary for a genuine friendship.

One of my biggest peeves about female friendships are women whose entire lives are centered around men, relationships, crazy situationships, Tinder, and their never ending thirst for low quality males who mistreat, reject, ghost and emotionally abandon them. I used to feel sorry for you, I used to think that I can help you, I used to even be like you until I realized that I respect myself and need to change the way I date and find a way to heal myself. It may seem cruel to say this, but I have been through this process so I sympathize. However, as much as I tried to help you heal, you refuse to do the painful work on yourselves, you ignore advice, you refuse therapy, and you continue to make your childish dating dramas a part of my life.

There is nothing more unattractive than women whose entire existence revolves around chasing men. Every conversation, every night out, every interaction involves exhausting scenarios of who she is talking to now, what he said to her, who ghosted her, how many males she is seeing this week, and all the emotional disappointments that come with texting with 50 different candidates a month. It is absolutely exhausting to have to listen to women who only have one subject to talk about, men. And then, there are women who disappear the moment they get into a relationship. She takes this male so seriously, that she practically disappears to concentrate on her connection to him. She prioritizes some goon who offered her a getaway, and she acts like she’s already in a serious relationship, when he just needs someone to screw for the weekend. When he stops answering her texts, she’s back acting like my best friend needing some advice, for the 101st time.

A while ago, a girlfriend asked me out for drinks. She said she missed me, that she would like a night out with a good old friend, and asked me to meet her at a popular restaurant. When I arrived, she was busy looking for some guy she hooked up with the month before. Apparently, he was supposed to be working at the bar. How do you know? She said he posted where he would be on his Instagram. I thought it odd that she came here looking for some guy she stalked from social media. I thought she wanted to meet with me. Well, she couldn’t find him, so she suggested we try another bar that was less crowded. But when we got there, she looked disappointed because there were no people at that bar. What did it matter? We are here to talk to each other, right? She reluctantly ordered a drink, then kept texting another guy, asking if he wants to meet us. The entire time, she kept getting up to go to the bathroom, then on her way back she would try to make eye contact with complete strangers sitting around the bar. As I was trying to speak, I caught her looking over my shoulder, straightening her back and pushing her tits out, sending some guy a come hither look. Was she even listening to me? Finally, the second guy she was texting showed up, so I had someone to chat with while she was still trying to make eyes with new strangers coming into the bar. By the end of the night, we had been to three restaurants, ordered no food because she was busy trolling. We made no conversation because she was not interested in me at all. It was obvious she was looking for a sister to troll with. I don’t do that. When I go out with a girl friend, I give my undivided attention to her, not to strangers walking past the bar. I realized that night that this friendship is empty. There is no one to connect to here, and that if I want genuine friendships I need stronger boundaries.

Have you met girls (they’re not mature enough to be women) who go through endless cycles with the same toxic males? They treat me like their therapist, wasting my attention span on questions they have already asked me a thousand times. What should I say to Tom? How should I reply to Rick? Can you believe what Mike is doing to me? Help me! The worst thing I ever tried to do is to help them. I genuinely cared, and thought that with a bit of good advice, and a dose of self-respect, a thirsty girl can raise her standards and move away from repeating cycles that never work out in her favor. Boy was I wrong! These girls never take advice given to them. In fact, they will drain me with their questions, dump all their negative emotions on me, tell me that I just don’t understand because their situation is unique, and then go ahead and do the opposite of the advice I gave them. That demonstrates a lack of respect for my time and my friendship. Do you realize you wasted an hour of my time? I have never received an apology for the months and years invested in such draining friends.

I have learned the hard way that some women have no intention of getting better, because they think that there is something wrong with people who just won’t give them time. Men ghost them, therefore the man is bad. A girlfriend no longer picks up the phone, therefore the friendship was bad. They extract every ounce of a friend’s energy, and they keep coming back expecting me to listen to the latest dating drama, as if this one is different from the last. Nothing ever changes for man crazy women. When they should be getting professional help, they spend that money on a new hairstyle- maybe that will make her more attractive for the next guy.

I once wasted four years of my life on a friend who used me for free therapy when she should have been seeing a qualified psychologist. During that time, she was in two separate relationships with men who I found out later, were not in any relationship with her. How is this possible? She was in a state of limerence, a psychological state where a person is fantasizing, obsessing, and agonizing over a situation that isn’t reciprocated, nor real. Both men were taken, neither was making any moves toward her, but she spun their professional level friendship into an obsession she eventually lived through as if it was real. I spent hours a day counseling her through what I thought was a difficult romance. I had no idea that neither man had any interest in her whatsoever, that they were just coworkers who treated her as a “friend”. My level of involvement in her personal saga was not only a drain, but the fact that I thought this was a friendship was a delusion on my part. During this time, did she help me work through any of my personal challenges? They weren’t even a topic of conversation.

I am a very empathic person. I care, especially about women. In fact, I give most of my free time to female friends who bring a genuine friendship to my table. I have absolutely no problem spending time, offering advice, encouraging and supporting women who are experiencing a crisis, going through a difficulty, looking for advice. But, there is a big difference between women who learn, grow, evolve and move on, and girls who never seem to grow up.

The first group takes full responsibility for their healing process. It is very painful to have to look within, face our own demons, address our own inadequacies, and commit to doing the difficult work on the Self. It is no easy task. Some women do the work on themselves, others get professional help. Each of us is on a journey, and we all learn via our own process. But for man-crazy women, there is no journey. They avoid therapy because a professional will hold them accountable. In fact, they drop therapy every time they have to confront an unpleasant aspect of themselves. And this is why they pick up the phone and start talking about some greasy Tinder rat, without even asking for my time. They don’t care. They don’t care about me their friend, they don’t care whether I am getting reciprocity in this friendship, they don’t want to get better, they only want someone to drain. And when you don’t give them your time, they accuse of you of not being a friend.

Unfortunately, some women are obsessed. They are never in a relationship, more often they are just in a new obsession. They don’t relate to men or friends, they extract from them. They are addicted to whatever toxic feelings they absorb from cheap interactions like rejection, abandonment, lack and they chase that temporary high from getting a like on their profile, or hooking up with some ass who doesn’t even know her name. These women are addicts. They start foaming at the month every time they get a whiff of new cologne walking past them.

But to me, these friendships are empty. Some of these women are nice, very nice. But nice is not a measure of character, nice is not a qualification for a quality friendship, nice only lasts as long as you need free therapy from me and my time. Like most humans, I am looking for genuine connections with people who are invested in their own growth. There is nothing more attractive than when I hear about what a friend has done to upgrade her lifestyle, her story of how she has found power, and any advice she can give me so that I rise up too. I am disappointed to say that I have never found such a friend. This is why I have to keep moving, because I know that more evolved women are out there, and to find relationships with women who truly are powerful, I have to drop the dead-weight. I cannot afford to pour into people whose cup is leaking when they refuse to mend its cracks.

I realize that I am the one who has to change. Once again, it is up to me to take full responsibility for my friendships. If I am giving time to draining situations then I am the one who has to stop. If my time isn’t valuable to me, no one will respect it. I did a ton of work to cut off toxic interactions with males, and I benefited greatly for raising my standards so high, that only the men I have vetted can actually reach me. I have to do the same for my personal friendships. As nice as most women are, not all are healthy enough to be my friend. If I occasionally dip my toe in their toxic pool, then I am the one who will not heal. I am still committed to my growth. It is only I who has this life to live, and I do have an idea of how I want to enjoy it. I am now committing myself to actively seeking out women I can learn from. I love the powerful, the successful, the focused, the responsible, free thinking women who are absolutely sovereign. I have a few women in mind, but before I can move forward, I have to scrape off a few barnacles that are feeding off me.

Good bye.

S

Posted in Blog | Tagged boy crazy, dating, powerful women, relationship, single life, single woman, toxic friends, women | Leave a comment

The Most Powerful Woman

Posted on July 8, 2023 by Travel Clubs International

There is nothing that you could say about me, to make me feel bad about me. People try, it never works. Their words bounce off me, and then they are right there in their own face. It’s a very powerful feeling when you learn to not absorb, and not be affected by other people’s intentions, but then hold those intentions and words for that person to see about themselves.

How do I do that? I love myself, I respect myself before anyone else, I accept all my flaws, issues, insecurities, to the point that they cannot affect how I feel about myself.

I wasn’t always this confident. I was your typical nice girl who used to give, give, give, make people feel great about themselves, smile politely, validate on demand, and you know what happens to nice girls. But nice girls aren’t really that nice, we have rage and anger inside us, resent people for not reciprocating equally, we opt to turn ourselves into a doormat, then blame others for walking all over us. One of the most powerful realizations was that I chose to be a doormat, I didn’t defend my own boundaries, then allowed people to take over.

The confidence came later, when I learned to say no, and not apologize. I realized that people actually don’t hate me for saying no, quality people respect that in me. Who would I rather have as a friend, the one who respects a boundary, or the one who tries to test it? I gave myself that confidence, by constantly working on myself, and congratulating myself every time I defended a boundary successfully. You have to pat yourself on the back.

Most women are fine defending boundaries among other women, but most will not offend a male. I never understood why women are so afraid of losing males, or pissing them off. Males are far more insecure than women, we give them way too much credit for their false confidence. They posture, they put on an act, and other males support the act. They will even back them up. Women are the real fighters.

I think there is a turning point in all women’s lives when we realize that the emperor has no clothes. That’s usually around the time when we realize we don’t need him. Our mindset begins to shift when we realize we do all the work anyway, that we take on more emotional and financial burdens, so why are we giving him all the credit? That point when women realize I have been doing it all along, is usually when confidence gets unleashed. But really, that point is when we are no longer afraid of losing a man, pissing one off, or what he might think of us.

I always thought that males are weaker. They are far more insecure about their contribution, and they are terrified of competition. Women don’t bother to compete, we don’t even try. I don’t know of one woman who is trying hard to outdo a male. We all do whatever is necessary to keep a roof over our heads, keep the children fed, and maintain our peace. It is the males who our outraged by our independence, and perceive everything as competition. Why do you want to be like a man? I don’t, that’s not much to aspire to. But I do love my freedom, I earned it, and I want to maintain it. My confidence, my freedom, my inner peace are a luxury that I earned- no one can take that away from me with an insult, a scare tactic, I have no fear of losing you. That’s how much I trust myself.

I know this all sounds cocky, but that’s what I have been working on in the last 14 years. I am at the point when I sound arrogant about how little power people have to affect me. When people try to do something, I let them. It is a super powerful feeling when you can allow anyone to say anything and their word have no power to change how I feel about myself.

The advantage I have had is that I have never been afraid of losing a male. Sure I have been heartbroken, trampled on, disrespected, but I always had the self-respect to not go back, even when it felt like leaving was as painful as cutting off a limb, I would still leave. I may have not had much self-respect at the time, but that self-respect grew the more I kept choosing myself over others. At a certain point leaving started to feel good, then satisfying, then very powerful. Now I leave easily without deliberation. Of course I choose me, the topic is not up for debate.

Everything shifted for the better when I started liking myself with all my issues and flaws. I have plenty, but because I appreciate them, no one can use my flaws as ammunition against me. How can you insult me, when I absolutely adore me? Say something about my big ass, and I will thank you for the compliment. Talk behind my back, and I’ll enjoy your opinion of me- this one makes people sh*t their pants! Try it.

But when it comes to males, they literally fall apart when they see they have no ability to reduce me. You all can tell when a male is questioning your intelligence, looking for signs you will concede to his opinion of you, trying to gently devalue you to soften you up, using you for validation. Most women smile, ignore, and let him think what he wants. We all know the regretful mess we have made for ourselves allowing males think what they want. They egos are bloated, their masculinity is now toxic, and all because we have been silent for centuries trying to appease them.

We do have to speak up more, and lose that fear of being criticized. I developed the courage to be disliked, just by allowing people to dislike me, and training myself to not absorb how they feel about me. I piss people off, and that’s fine. I realized that people who are comfortable with who they are are not threatened by me at all. But the ones who are ego driven will always try to project their own insecurities onto me. Their insecurities don’t reach me, I hold them up for everyone to see how insecure they are.

Here is an exercise that you all should try. It will work for those of you who can sense energy, or who are more empathic and easily affected by other people’s words. I call this the sealed jar technique.

I either seal off my own energy in a jar when I am in a place where there is too much anger, rage, bad energy from others, like a toxic workplace or a group. Alternately, I also seal off other people, I put them in my jar and seal it, when I am affected by another person who keeps on bothering me.

To do this, relax and pay attention to your own energy, your own body, your own breath, your own mind. It helps if you can center yourself in a light meditation for a minute. When your mind is soft, and when you feel peaceful, imagine that person whose toxic words are affecting you, and allow those ugly words to reach you for a second. Feel them, and notice how you personally feel when you hear those words. Now take a glass mason jar, put that person in the jar, and seal the lid tight. Now, notice how their energy has been sealed off. No sound can escape that jar or reach you. Nothing they say can affect you. Keep them in the jar as long as you like. If it is a person who is forever taunting you, all you have to do is recall that they are still in the jar, and spend a minute thinking about how no sound penetrates that jar.

Also, if I am in a crowded, toxic setting, and don’t want to feel other people’s anger or rage, I seal myself in the jar, but always remember to unseal yourself when you have left the room.

This is how I block energy. I put that person into a jar, and enjoy the silence. I smile knowing not a word nor an ounce of their energy can reach me.

This may sound esoteric to some of you. But, because I meditate I am super sensitive to other people’s vibe. This is how I unfeel people, protect myself, and let their words slide off me. I remain unaffected and I feel healthy, even powerful as I walk away.

I have noticed that people get pissed off when they see how their words have no power over me. Males feel impotent when they see they have no power to get me to politely concede.

Also, I noticed that when people are vicious, keeping them in the jar keeps them at a distance. As long as I tune into that sealed jar, I am in awareness that they cannot budge toward me.

I only unseal the jar, when the person has left my presence, when I am sure I will not see them again. I do have a toxic, vicious coworker in a jar for the last 2 years and he has not even made eye contact with me. Please don’t do this vengefully or to hurt people, only to protect yourself, and then let them out of the jar when they are no longer a threat. Bad intentions will always hurt you in the end.

But now that you feel protected, use that time to work on your confidence. Speak up, enforce your boundaries, state your opinion without apologizing, walk straight and confidently, learn to let go and never look back (it’s the look back that hurts you), and start appreciating all that you have achieved and everything that you have.

S

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The Goddess Principles