Cheating is Abuse.
How many of my readers think of cheating as a mistake, an accident, just a part of masculinity? Why do we believe that? Society, pressure and media tell us this, and some women buy into it. But really, cheating is a form of abuse. It is painful, it is demoralizing, it is psychologically traumatic and harmful. It is never an accident, it is often a tool of abuse, revenge, emotional manipulation. People who experience cheating, experience betrayal, loss of the ability to trust, they lose their self-worth. If the cheater denies or lies about it, victims question their reality, their own mind, and often force themselves to accept cheating if they want to maintain their sanity.
We all have to stop believing that ‘Boys will be boys’, that cheating is a characteristic of high testosterone, a man’s sexual prowess, and attribute it to his masculinity. We all are guilty of dismissing cheating as just a part of maleness. And we all have to stop making excuses for it and looking for ways to spin it into something acceptable. Do you really need to stay in a relationship that badly? Do you really wish your friends, sisters, daughters could just forgive and forget? Keep the peace? Is cheating peaceful or is it abusive? It is abusive to the whole family, especially if there are children involved. Children internalize cheating and it becomes part of their program.
Culturally, many women have been raised to turn a blind eye to cheating, then suffer in painful silence. Couple’s therapy serves the purpose of simply to save the relationship, never to save the woman’s sanity. But even if cheating stopped, why is the goal to maintain that relationship? Whom does that serve?
I understand there are women who cannot afford to leave. It is a tough situation. And many accept cheating because at least he is not doing worse- at least he is not hitting her or abusing the children.
A lot of women are programmed to turn a blind eye. Is that what a good woman does? To protect the children, to protect the sanctity of marriage, to protect the male, they swallow their pride and they go on. We really need to stop telling women that cheating is something that can be worked on, and negotiated. Staying in a relationship that is psychologically damaging is not something to maintain. We are instructing women to endure.
Think of the physical danger a woman is in when she is cheated on. She has not consented, yet her health is at risk. I do have a friend who contracted herpes, when her ex forgot to tell her he accidentally had sex with another woman. Her pain is for life. Try to recover from that trauma. Yet, cheating is still treated by women as if it is just part of the dating game, as if it is something to be negotiated later when the relationship becomes serious. Many believe thy don’t have to deal with cheating now, they’ll negotiate terms of the relationship later. It doesn’t work that way. Cheating is a red flag. Guys who show off their cheating prowess up front are a walking red flag.
This is just my own opinion and I am not a psychologist. But I believe that cheating is pathological. It is never an accident, it is always a way to denigrate a partner, control, dominate, psychologically abuse. How many males boast about cheating? How many males identify as cheaters? How many males use cheating as a way to bolster their ego? Pay attention ladies. I know women cheat too, and that too is a sign of a much greater problem. What kind of human would hurt somebody on purpose, and then gloat about it? But, this is a part of dating many men and women ignore and think they can work around.
In some cultures, cheating is viewed as a rite of passage for males, and as indoctrination for women. Cheating happens early in almost every relationship to soften the woman, or to break her spirit just like a horse is broken to submit. And the community urges a woman to support her man and be a better wife. This is sickening but very common. Imagine the emotional trauma that “rite of passage” causes a woman. I see cheating as pathological.
In other cultures males strive to become a ladies man, to display their sexual prowess for all to witness, to juggle women, and in countries where males don’t have fast and easy access to dating and women, they actually come here to sow their wild oats. And we all smile when they use us to prove their maleness?
I am purposely not mentioning any cultures. I don’t want to get into a racial, ethnic argument, be accused of stereotyping or generalizing. But many of you know I come from an ethnically mixed background and have lived in 4 countries, so I am very familiar of how masculinity and femininity in those countries are defined. And it starts at a young age, so many women don’t even know that they are being gaslighted into accepting abuse.
But getting back to dating in the USA, I see cheating out on full display, and many women simply smile and think of cheating as not really cheating if it happens early in the relationship before there is any commitment. Many see cheating as a bad habit to be worked on or negotiated later when things get serious. This idea that a cheater is a viable candidate for dating, that he should be given another chance, that cheating is something to work on as a couple is sickening. What is the goal of couple’s therapy? To teach one party how cheating hurt the other’s feelings, then teach the victim how to forgive, accept, and force her to trust because the alternative is to break up the marriage? So the cheater gets to keep his wife, but the wife gets to swallow a poisonous pill, and is urged to trust again for the sake of what? Why is preservation of marriage more important than preservation of a woman? Why is getting to the desired relationship level more important than a woman’s mental health? Relationship goals?
I think women are also complicit in this toxic form of dating, and we are enabling males to do exactly what every woman wants him to stop doing. We urge women to “work on him” or to negotiate with him, when in fact he should not be seen as a viable candidate at all.
Cheating is a sign of an unhealthy male. It is a red flag. It is not something to be negotiated. I believe that cheating can be pathological, when it is intentional, when it is used to control, dominate, harm another human. Cheating is emotional violence, which hardly ever leaves physical scars, but often results in psychological trauma. Victims of cheating often only get superficial help in the form of marriage counseling, but rarely the help that they actually need. I do believe that victims suffer gaslighting, mental abuse, and emotional violence, and this is rarely addressed. The word infidelity sounds so much more benign that the term mental abuse. One can be worked on and negotiated by couples therapy, it can even be forgotten and never mentioned again. Mental abuse sounds so much more harsh, and requires much more than family therapy.
When a male has been secretly or openly violating fidelity, trust, a bond, then uses persuasion, love bombing, manipulation, gaslighting to maintain the relationship or to maintain access to her, a woman has two choices, save herself or save the relationship. Some women leave to protect their physical and mental health, while others look for ways to make it better. Unfortunately, when we rely on religious or family counseling, when we rely on the male to make things better, women often simply acquiesce.
Let’s think about this. Has cheating become an accepted trait of maleness that is often ascribed to manhood? In your culture, what is the prescribed recourse to women? Save your marriage, save your man, save your children? The women who have the strength, and self-respect to walk away have a luxury many women don’t. The systems that protect maleness and marriage involve religion, culture, media, that often women have no choice but to conform.
I can’t quote the textbook because I finished school decades ago, but I do remember a psychology class that discussed that cheating, having multiple sexual partners is a male need and that females have to understand that. I do remember learning that this is a biological need, therefore something that must be accepted, and I am wondering now if that is what people are still being taught in university and if this is why mental health professionals treat cheating as if it is a benign growth, and not a cancer that needs to be eliminated?
Compared to other countries where I have lived, American women are ahead of the curve. We may not have the rights that we deserve, but we are fighting, standing up, rejecting. The latest trend is that women are dropping out of marriage, sexs and dating and just saying no. It is happening in other countries as well. We are finally choosing ourselves, our own mental health, and are healing. I do think this is a positive trend. It is a matter of self-preservation, when the entire system and all its institutions are ignoring our physical and emotional health.
I would love to hear from you on this subject. There are many women in this forum from other cultures, with probably drastically different opinions than mine. And some of you are US-based and work in healthcare or are actively involved with women’s organizations. Am I going too far in thinking that cheating is a form of psychological abuse, and in thinking that systemic cheating is pathological?
