“Wherever you go, there you are.”– Eckhart Tolle. It took me decades to understand that no matter how much I blame my circumstances on other people, no matter how far I run, there I am, at the center of every problem of my life. No matter how much I deny my own role in my own pain and suffering, I am the only one at the heart of every situation.

No matter where I move in this world, and I have lived in many countries, there is no way of escaping that reality I create for myself. Your life patterns, your habits, your choices, your issues will follow you everywhere, until one day you realize it is not the world that is ruining your life, it is you. You are center stage of your life’s drama, and only you create your own saga. Other people are just characters who possess the traits, habits, problems and issues that you need to learn your life’s lessons.

For example, I always wondered why my life is full of controlling manipulative people. I left every man who was managing my life, I broke up with my own father, I moved away so I wouldn’t have to see them again, and the farther I went, the more friends I made who also had control issues and manipulated me into giving them the kind of friendship or relationship they needed from me. I would never even realize this could turn into something toxic until I got stabbed in the back, lost money, got cornered. On the outside it may seem that I had bad friends, but on the inside I was choosing people to be in my life, I was attracted to certain kinds of men, I mistook control and subtle signs of manipulation for confidence, strength, masculinity- that was all my own program.

There are countless other patterns repeating themselves throughout my life. My inability to defend my boundaries, my fear of speaking my own truth, my preoccupation with injustice, drew me into situations where I experienced exactly that through other people. Each time I believed that those people were creating the problems in my life. It wasn’t until I realized that this is my life, I own it, I own my creation, that I realized that I am the only one who holds the responsibility to change it. Running away from “bad people” never solved my problem. Instead I attracted even more boundary crossers, more liars, more egomaniacs.

Each person brought into my life the harshest lessons I needed in order to teach me how to deal with my own insecurities, weaknesses, how to defend my own boundaries by speaking up. Once I took responsibility for learning how to speak up, I noticed that things started to shift in my favor. One boundary defended, a little respect earned for myself. It felt good to learn to speak my truth, even though it was painful. It felt good to stop running away and face, even call out manipulators. Once you start fixing your own reality, you start to feel more powerful.

A lot of women think that they are failing at relationships. What they don’t realize is that was just one lesson, and if you haven’t mastered the lesson, you will keep entangling with more people who bring you the same issues until you learn to say no, or stand up, or speak up, whatever your handicap is. You haven’t failed at anything, you just haven’t mastered your voice, your confidence, your boundaries, you have not learned to value yourself enough.

In my opinion, the purpose of those many “failed” relationships is to teach you to value yourself most of all, to make choices that honor you first, to strengthen your dignity, to understand that you steer your own wheel in the direction you want. How good could a relationship be if you haven’t learned that? The toughest situations in life are all about you and your self-mastery.

I do see that a lot of women aren’t interested in that. Many just want to get married. They think I will feel better, I will be better as soon as I find someone who will give me the stability, the love, the home and child that I want. They really don’t care about self development. They assume that their “Self” will be cured once they attain that goal. So they keep chasing, they keep bending over backwards, standing on their heads, thinking that if they can adjust to other people’s expectations of them, they will master those people, It doesn’t matter if those people are bosses, friends, family members or lovers, you never win someone’s respect, you never earn their trust by adjusting your “Self” to their needs or expectations. If you are not ready to take responsibility for your own patterns, your own life, you are not ready for the kind of relationship you dream of. Who will trust a woman who compromises her own truth? Who will respect a woman who neglects her boundaries just to score a little bit of love? No one.

“Wherever you go, there you are.” Your journey isn’t about negotiating your pain with other people, it is about creating yourself, mastering your own habits, choices, taking full responsibility for what happens to you, and dealing with it on your own terms, in a way that honors you. In the end, you can’t run away from you, so you may as well master yourself.

S

PS. The quote “Wherever you go, there you are.” is a quote used by many people, and a title of a book written by yet another author. I attributed it to Eckhart Tolle, but it is a common saying.

You should have people audition for a role in your life. I’m not kidding. After years of betrayal, crossed boundaries, learning to stand up for myself, but most of all learning to respect myself and place my own honor above all others’, I have learned to audition people to be in my life.

It took years of work to learn how to tell the difference between genuine friendships and conditional ones, how to deal with crossed boundaries, toxicity, drama, that I realized that relationships in general are exhausting. I simply don’t have the emotional capacity to fight war every time someone decides to test my boundary for the 17th time. So what do I do now? I audition people to be in my life.

I have said several times in this forum that I am happy with my relationships in the sense that I have narrowed my giant circle of acquaintances, coworkers, party people and men into a small circle of people I genuinely appreciate for being in my life. But that doesn’t happen by swinging the door wide open and letting anyone who is interested in. It happens by having criteria or standards for the types of people you want to date, work with, share with, bond with, and then being very selective about who you let in.

Today I want to talk about how being selective relates to men and dating, and about the pain a lot of women endure for having no criteria at all. Giving a chance to any man who shows interest means having no criteria. Why is his interest so important? Shouldn’t you be interested first? A lot of men question my judgment and ask “How do you know you are not interested in me”? A lot of women complain as well “How would I know if I am interested in him if I don’t give him a chance”? To me this sounds like a very stupid question. Do you mean to tell me you have no personal desires, criteria, attraction points that you are aware of up front, that could help you determine whether a person warrants your interest? This is how a lot of women get hurt, emotionally pummeled when after they have already invested themselves into a man, the only way they know he isn’t the one is if he has rejected them. They keep working on the relationship, give it their 110% all the way until he decides this won’t work. By this point they have already slept with him, they have already opened up and been vulnerable, they have already accepted all his faults, made sense of everything that doesn’t add up about his story, and they feel crushed because they invested so much into somebody who doesn’t even care enough to return a phone call. This is because they have no criteria at all for men.

I see so many beautiful, caring, loving, successful, educated women give, give, give, to get nothing in return from men they have put way too much trust and importance into, and when I ask them why they even went out with him in the first place (as many of them are out of his league anyway), they tell me they were looking for a chance. Girl, you are the Goddess here, you are the prize, and you can’t make yourself available to anyone who wants you. Your time, your body, your emotions are not something people get to take a chance on. In fact, a Goddess is someone to be worshiped, respected, honored, and all of that should be proven way before anyone gets to ask for your time. Otherwise, how would you know if he is worth your attention?

It has been about 7 years since I learned to truly see myself, my attention, my time, my body as something that is far too valuable to be given away or traded for a chance. It has been 2 years since I have been practicing self-honor to the level where I feel that I honor myself 100% of the time. Do you know how good that feels? Do you know how it feels when you have criteria for people and situations you give your time to? It feels like pure power to be selective, to know exactly what I want, to be able to say No Thank You, to qualify people before handing them your trust, your money, access to your home, your body, your privacy, your mental health. Total power, pure, uncompromising self-respect, dignity, self-love, a life of peace, quality relationships, fulfillment- this is not wishful thinking, this is your work. And the way I ensure that my friendships, work relationships, and romantic relationships are healthy is I have to say No a lot.

Many years ago, when I was starting out in business, I thought I had to say Yes to everything in order to get the business. I found myself catering to whims of angry customers who didn’t even know what they wanted, nor what strategy was good for them, they simply wanted total control and someone to constantly say yes to them. Those were the worst years of my career and I suffered from anxiety, asthma and was a miserable, nervous wreck who hated her job. But I was taught that pleasing customers was of utmost importance, how else are you going to get recommendations and more business? Then, one day, out of sheer frustration and defeat, I said No to a pushy customer. No, I won’t do that. If you think you can get a better deal elsewhere, feel free to go elsewhere. Know what? He didn’t budge. Even after I put the phone down, he kept calling me for days asking me to put this deal together for him. I closed that deal, and I charged him 3 times more for my aggravation, and yes, he paid it because I kept saying No to him every single day until closing. The moral of the story is that, you have to say No, you must protect your own sanity and dignity at all times, and slowly you will see quality people come into your life. They won’t come in when they see that you are a doormat. Since then the word No has been my best strategy in life. I now select work projects, co-workers I am willing to have on my team, I select my friends because quality people are selective too, and I say No thank you to 99% of men who ask me out. I respect my time, my body and my mind so much, that I’d rather be without people who push buttons, overstep boundaries, or take advantage. They are not friends, and they will waste being time on your team.

But back to men and dating. A lot of women are not aware that without strict criteria, they are fully responsible for earning time with low-quality men who actually can’t do anything for them, can’t add value to their lives, and are simply wasting time of multiple women at the same time. Do you really want to compete for that? Imagine how frustrating it is to be texting with some loser who keeps yanking your chain, changing plans, replies whenever he feels like it, keeps you in suspense. A lot of women would work even harder to pin him down and get him to commit to a date. I wouldn’t. When I see someone is playing hard to get, is texting multiple women at the same time, and trying to frustrate me or trigger me into chasing, I let him go chase his own tail. Not me, I shut that down immediately.

When I see an acquaintance who is constantly pushing my buttons, shows signs or control or manipulation, do you think I invite that into my life and give her a chance to be a friend? Nope, I already have plenty of experience with that. Just like you wouldn’t give multiple chances to a non-performing coworker to miss another deadline, why do you invite males who haven’t qualified to be with you into your life? Because you have no criteria for a healthy relationship. Life is an audition. Do you think you could get that job position, fancy title, a pay raise if you didn’t qualify for it? Think how long your audition process was for your job, just for you to get an opportunity to try and qualify for that 90 day probationary period? Did your boss give you that bonus up front? How long did your manager verify your resume? Did they check your references by calling your previous employer? How long did they track your performance ? Did they set clear goals and a list of deliverables that you must accomplish in order to remain employed? Most of all, did anyone pay you up-front? Nope, you had to earn an opportunity to be there, but above of all you had to be qualified. You had to pass multiple auditions and convince multiple hiring managers to give you a chance.So why then do you give chances to males who have not even lifted a finger to get your time? Why do you engage in exhaustive texting trying to negotiate one measly date with a stranger? Why are you having sex with a male who you suspect is sleeping with other women? Do you believe that later, he will fall deeply, madly in love with you, and then you’ll negotiate commitment from a man who has other options? Do you really think that will work out in your favor? That’s like paying a used car salesman before you have test-driven a used car. What kind of car do you think you will score then?

The problem with a lot of women is that they pay for it long before they even know who they are dealing with. They give chances to males far below their own level of education, sophistication, worldliness, wisdom, self-development and it is because they believe that there is a global shortage of men, because they believe in their own expiration date, they are lonely, and the answer I hear most often is that there aren’t excellent men out there, so I must give someone a chance. If you believe that you must settle, you will settle. And when you try to create a healthy relationship with someone who is not your emotional equal, guess what you will get? I am pretty sure you have plenty of experience with that.

Every milestone of your life is an audition. You can’t even get into college without decent grades. But I bet that getting into college is far easier than negotiating for your self-worth with a man who can’t be bothered to respect your time. So how to set criteria? Don’t be afraid to judge. In fact, you must have a strong sense of judgment before you can judge whether people are healthy, respectable, honorable and have good intentions. Notice how I repeated the word Judge? People get shamed for judging others, but you were born with a brain capable of logical reasoning and sound judgment is critical for survival of every species on the planet. You must use your sound judgment, and work on fine tuning it so that you are always aware of who is good for you. Yeah, I judge people because I have been drained, ripped off, trampled on, used, manipulated, controlled, but guess what? Now I have a ton of experience to know how to spot a con, and with whom I can safely take down my guard.

I have some criteria for all people, and some, more specific criteria for lovers, friends, family etc. But in general, I admire and work well with people who are genuine, honorable, worthy, self-aware, emotionally healthy, wise, caring. I quickly dismiss big egos, pushiness, boundary testers, energy vampires, controllers, needy people, the codependent and those who seek to dominate. Anyone who has triggered me deserves a sound evaluation. As far as men go, many years ago I wrote a list of 50 characteristics a man must possess in order for me to enter a relationship, and 25 characteristics that he must have before I will even go on a first date. Believe it or not, once you get to know what you want, red-flags are very easy to spot. When a man doesn’t provide me with enough information, evades questions, when his story doesn’t add up, that does not mean that I should give him a chance to prove himself. If your resume had big gaps, and your story didn’t add up, would your employer have given you a chance and a weekly paycheck until you proved yourself?

Whatever the criteria you have set, make sure you honor it all the time. Once you start saying No, it gets easier. You won’t lose out on an opportunity of a lifetime with a man if you reject him. You will lose the frustration of trying to figure someone out who doesn’t make any sense at all. Also, please stop thinking that every man is an opportunity for something, and that you might lose your great chance because you didn’t give a frog a chance to turn into a prince. A grown woman knows that kissing frogs is humiliating. While you are kissing that frog, he is enjoying his time with you, but he is the only one having a good time. Please stop seeing every male as an opportunity. You will have a difficult time using your sound judgment when you doubt your criteria and worry that you might lose out on something big if you say No Thank You. Instead, you will earn your self-respect.

If you are having difficulty asking hard questions, asking for a detailed explanation, getting his personal details, why are you sleeping with the man? None of those answers will magically appear later.One of the best things I have ever done for myself is to create a list of criteria that people must meet in order to be in my life, and yes I do audition people who are asking for my time, commitment, and friendship. Life is an audition, you don’t reach major milestones without qualifying, and the best thing that you can do is to take the time to qualify men before you start giving them your body and mind. Dating is not a guarantee that with enough time and effort you will earn a relationship. Dating is an interview process, it is an audition, and it is the absolute wrong time to start giving before you have made a sound judgment whether this person is worth your time.

S

We live in a digital world, and most people I know date using apps like Tinder and Bumble. I don’t. In previous posts I explained why I don’t like it and I won’t bore you with my own choices. But, so many of my friends do and I am always curious about what kind of people they meet and what types of interactions they have. Many of them are miserable because they are meeting drones who are unable to relate to another human, yet they don’t have the self-respect to remove themselves from these situations. What’s worse, is that their expectations of these digital players are pretty high. They really believe that a stranger they met online will give them a quality experience.

Is it reasonable to expect that the people we meet virtually will be as honest, honorable and considerate as the people we meet and relationships we cultivate in person? If we met at a party through mutual friends, I might think twice before I call you a name, slam the door in your face and accuse you of being a freak. After all we have friends in common, we both have a reputation to protect. The cost of acting inappropriate is higher when we belong to the same social network. But, if our relationship is strictly digital, neither of us has much to lose for treating the other disgracefully. How much do you value a digital date? How much do you value a person who showed up at the click of a button? I admit, I don’t value that person at all. I might be respectful, human and decent toward them, but I haven’t earned an opportunity to be with them, I have done nothing to earn their trust, respect, nor attention. If I can click a button and get you to show up in an hour, for free, at no emotional or personal cost to me at all, honestly, I won’t value you at all. Maybe somebody else would, but I am being honest here, why would I value you, and the dozen other people who are willing to give me a date, when I didn’t even have to ask you face to face will you go out with me?

My theory is that people we meet online are valued less in terms of dating and relating, than people whose relationships we had to cultivate over a period of time. If I had to earn your friendship, I will value you as a human more. I will have a deeper understanding of who you are, I will have something concrete to relate to. Even if that level of personal understanding is low, I still had to earn time to be with you, and am more likely to value you and respect you, even if we are drastically different.

I know people meet online all the time, they get married and live happily ever after. I have close friends who married their Match and eHarmony dates, and divorced them in three years. It is possible for all of us to find an instant date, an instant relationship and an instant bond. But how valuable is it? How disposable is it?

Many of you have been ghosted by digital lovers, and find it hurtful and rude. But, what are your expectations of people who you met online? I understand how hurtful ghosting would be if you knew someone for years and they simply cut you off. I understand if you were in a serious relationship and the guy disappeared. Those are all real connections that warrant face to face communication. But what are your expectations of a digital date? Do you truly expect a stranger to coddle your feelings and communicate lovingly with you?

I find digital dating to be too superficial, too artificial, and I don’t get a good read on people online. In the past when I tried online dating, I really did not like the kind of males I met in person. I found them to either be weird, expect quick results, have toxic habits, or have unhealthy expectations. I also observed that both men and women who go for digital dates are more likely to be disconnected or of low emotional intelligence. Sorry friends, but if you are willing to start relating and romancing a complete stranger you don’t have self-worth, you lack an internal guidance system, you can’t tell the difference between a human with a soul, and a human who is just as empty and confused as you. Sorry if I offended you, but this blog is about perfect honesty.

A lot of women I know marathon date online, have a date every week, line up new dates well in advance, and I am always a bit surprised they have such high expectations of those males. It is almost normal that they get ghosted 1 out of 5 times, that they hook up and then learn he is not looking for a relationship. Some have created fantasies, even gone on vacations with males who lack emotions, only to come back and wonder why did things not work out? Well, if you can’t tell a male has no ability to relate or emote up front, why are you surprised that the whole thing fell apart as soon as you started to build a relationship?

It is customary for online daters to get juggled with a few other people, and quite often they compete for attention from strangers they barely know. Why would a healthy person want to be a part of this scheme? To me it is absolutely sickening that there are so many people out there willing to act out intimacy with complete strangers, and allow themselves to be judged, evaluated and rated as relationship material by people who don’t even qualify as an emotionally healthy human.

Again, that’s a question for you to answer. I never liked it so I stopped dating online almost 10 years ago. I saw that the quality of the people I was meeting was low, that our interactions are shallow, and that their behavior is quite offensive. But, I also understood that I was a digital date, they didn’t have to do anything to earn my attention, they barely had to qualify, so what did I expect? A knight in shining armor or a prince charming?

I’m not saying that all digital dates are bad, but we have to have more reasonable expectations of people we don’t know. If you are going on a date with a complete stranger, who didn’t even have to ask you out face to face, who didn’t have to prove to you that he is a decent human being, and you instantly showed up because he clicked a button, of what value are you to him, and how much effort should you make for a person you don’t know? I think many of my friends are putting way too much effort into digital men who are busy communicating with a dozen women at the same time. What does that do to your self-esteem? What does that do to your sanity?

My second theory is that many of the people we meet online are males who would never have an opportunity with the opposite sex at all. You might not even give them a second glance if you met them in person first. But apps give us all an opportunity to shop around, swipe right, swipe left, and a lot of low quality, toxic people now have immediate access to individuals they would never have a chance with in person. A lot of males select everybody because they are playing numbers. They know they will get lucky because at least one beautiful woman who they know is way out of their league will show up. Her self-esteem will be just low enough to give an incel a chance. Online dating is like a slot machine, all you have to do is keep pulling the lever. Sure, you will get a lot of Nos, but eventually that slot machine will light up and a prize will spill out into the tray below. It takes only 5 minutes to win a few quarters in a casino. So how valued do you expect to be, and how well do you think you will be treated when a complete stranger can get a date with you?

I’m not the smartest person in this forum, but I figured this out almost immediately. I was basically giving an opportunity to really low quality males to have an hour with me, and that felt absolutely gross.

What bothers me is that today, men have to do almost no work at all to score a date. What bothers me even more is that they get to date women who are 20 times out of their league, and the women don’t even know it. Why don’t they know it? Because they are busy playing digital pinball with players who are just looking to score the highest points. And then they wonder why this gamer doesn’t treat them well, and doesn’t act like he values them? You want respect from somebody who pulled a lever to get you?

Some women say that Bumble is so much better because women get to choose. But how is Bumble better? You get exactly the same cads listed on all the services, and they get to be even more passive on Bumble? All they have to do is create a listing then wait for you to choose them. Sooner or later a beautiful woman way out of his league will land in his lap.

Yes, this is a rant. I know so many brilliant women. I am lucky to know women who are extremely accomplished, educated, worldly, sophisticated, fearless, competent, rational, but when it comes to dating they compete for the smallest, most emotionally retarded males. Half of these guys would be finding dates in dark alleys if they didn’t have access to Tinder. Many of them ARE those guys who could not even get a date. Why are we giving them our time on dating apps?

We have to value ourselves more. So much more that we don’t have to compete for digital dates with drones who are just clicking our buttons. We also have to value ourselves so much to realize that being treated like a number is demeaning. We have to realize that we are being treated poorly because we give men every opportunity to have the advantage. Rather than withdraw, set some standards, cultivate real relationships we choose to compete for players on their terms. How do you expect to be treated like a valued human being when you are allowing access to everybody who can view your profile?

A lot of women claim to be rare, exceptional, one of a kind “goddesses”, but how are you rare if anybody can have your time? How are you rare if anybody can click you? How are you rare when he can order you online faster than he can order a pizza? Surplus pizza gets shared with the dogs, it’s discarded with the uneaten crusts in the garbage because pizza is that cheap. Anyone can get another one delivered in less than an hour. You alone are choosing to make yourself that easy. You alone.

Why would a male treat you like a high-value woman if he can score 20 of you at the same time?

Women are much more likely to settle for a low-quality male when they believe that is all that is available. Imagine going on 20 dates and playing the same game with each player? “Do you like me, do you want me, do you want to see me again? Will you give me the decency of a phone call? Will you treat me respectfully? Will you juggle me with other women? How should I answer this text to make him want me more? I guess I can only wait to see if he eventually chooses me.” Are these questions demeaning to you? They sure sound that way to me.

Now, when she gets any common decency from one of these players, it seems like she scored something of value. She is much more likely to invest herself emotionally after she has found one who will play the game a bit longer. He looks promising, so she disregards that the male has a lot going against him, she is more likely to ignore the red flags because hey, at least he’s participating. Do  you see how easy it is for even the smartest women to get wrapped up into playing with low-quality males?  I even heard from a woman who dated a male she suspected was homeless or had no place to live, because he was hell-bent on making this work with her. Come on ladies, do you really have to consider every frog in the pond?

Ladies, you choose what you participate in. I am not saying don’t date online, but you certainly can’t expect to be treated like a real woman by some pigeon who pulled a lever to get a pellet. If there are no qualifications needed to score a date with you other than to click a button, then why are you surprised when you get deleted just as fast? If he can order you online, he can cancel you in a split second. You choose to participate in this game. It’s totally up to you.

S

This morning’s post by Que Jones made me smile. Beautiful picture of her glowing, and she states: “I like me”. I like this lady too.

I am out of town, stuck in a remote area with nothing much to do, so I spent the last week liking me. You know what, as much as I learned to love myself, having nothing to do, made me realize how much I truly like myself. What am I doing here? Laying in grass, barefoot, kissing the sun all day. It kisses me back- not kidding.

Sometimes, I forget to like myself. Life keeps me busy, I get distracted easily, I focus into things that are less important than loving life, loving me. Que Jones’s post this morning was a great reminder to start the morning, smiling at me.

A friend asked me a few months ago, how do I stay so positive (despite my bouts of panic attacks and anxiety), and I told her that I work on me every single day. It is a full time job, but I love my job. My task of appreciating me is the most passionate job I have. Like you, I have a career, hobbies, causes, board work, and a coupe of organizations I run. But, my job of loving me tops any task I have to perform any day.

It really is a great pleasure to love me. Try it, it will give you pleasure too. If you live alone, you’re in luck because without any distractions, you can focus onto yourself, your reflection in the mirror, your hot cup of tea, the silence, the rain fall and feel as if it all appreciates and loves you. Yes, you know how your cup of coffee loves you like nobody else can. Feel the love.

I love to meditate and I wish you all would too, but if you can’t, I understand. Loving you is a meditation without having to close your eyes and be still. Love the image in the mirror. Yes, that unshowered, crusty eyed, greasy haired you. Smile at her, laugh with her, who else could look so sexy in plaid, wrinkled pajamas better than you? Nobody.

Give yourself a hug every day. Learn to appreciate that hug from your soul to you. It feels better than anything to love yourself.

Last night I watched a few videos on Youtube. There were segments on cool female social media influencers and their lifestyles. I watched with great pleasure. What makes these young women so successful, so interesting, so alluring? They never stated this in the videos, but each one looked as if she loves her life, she loves all her passions, as if she is in love with herself. Each was self-possesed, so passionate about every little thing she did, that I said to myself Wow. No wonder each has millions of followers. People love people who love themselves authentically. There was nothing superficial about these women. They ignored their critics, they invested in themselves, but each worked on self-development. You might think that an influencer is a superficial job, but outside of their online presence, each woman was heavily invested in her personal growth, her spirituality, her journey. And each knew that she will be even better, when her career in social media expires. These young women are moguls, investing in building personal empires.

People who love themselves are magnetic. We are all drawn to them. They are a cure for whatever ails us.I practice managing my energy every day. The one thing I noticed is that when I am in that energetic state of love for my Self, my appreciation for every little thing I’ve got, awesome people, animals, are drawn to me.Men won’t leave me alone.

But on days when I slack off, and forget to adore myself, I get quite a different reaction from people and animals.

If you have a hard time liking yourself, don’t be discouraged. It took me some time to get comfortable with it. I come from two cultures, where women who like themselves, adore themselves, and are confident are called rude names. I am not a narcissist just because I like, love and adore myself.and neither are you.

Each day practice finding things to appreciate about your body, your soul, your life, even when you can’t think of something to like. Start with things that are easier to like, your sense of humour, your little finger if you can’t find anything else. As you learn to love that, expand into loving those aspects of yourself no one notices, those aspects even you didn’t like. It is amazing how my perspective shifted once I saw the beauty in my unacceptable flaws. Then I fell in love with those aspects of me that others always criticized and judged. That was the most powerful experience of all because suddenly their words could no longer hurt me. Imagine how powerless your critics would be if you stood there in your glory, appreciating all those flaws they couldn’t tolerate in you.

The biggest criticism I ever received was for my big mouth, my direct communication which tended to offend some male coworkers. I honestly don’t know how to express myself more softly in a way that does not threaten men. The biggest mistake I ever made was to try. Imagine what happened when I decided to appreciate my directness, my reasoning skills, to like me exactly as I already am. I fell in love with those brick they threw at me. Immediately I felt more powerful, more happy, more in love with exactly who I am. And almost immediately my critics became powerless. Who would dare judge a woman who knows with absolute certainty who she is, how much she appreciates herself, how powerfully she exudes love for herself?

Yes, in those high states of self-appreciation, everybody appreciates me too.

There is no shame in being in love with ourselves first. If we can’t love ourselves, how can we love other people authentically? If people doubt your love, if they don’t need it, it is because they feel that the energy you exude toward yourself is weak. Love yourself powerfully.

Love is a magnet. The energy of love is intoxicating. We are all drawn to it. The mistake we make is chasing people with our love, which is perceived as a lack of respect for the self. Draw your energy inward. The more you practice falling in love with yourself, the more other people will too. I guarantee it.

S

How many times do you check if someone likes you, or is interested in you? When someone isn’t responding to your calls or texts, how many more times would you call or text? Granted, the other person should be more clear and state that they aren’t into you, but if they don’t, how many times would you keep checking?

We had many conversations here about ghosting, and I seem to be the one who disagrees with popular opinion. I think ghosting is normal, unkind, but a clear way to show someone I’m not into you. Before the digital age, we would just let the phone ring, or unplug it, and the answering machine. Right or wrong, ghosting happens frequently.

Some people just don’t want to talk to you. Some people just don’t want you in their lives. Some people don’t even notice you. The point of this post is what do You do when someone shows you lack of interest? Do you keep calling? Do you keep checking if they maybe forgot that you exist?

“Ummm,…..Just checking if maybe you forgot we met at such at such and such party, and it seemed like we had a connection…..”

Honestly, if there really was a true connection, both people would be equally interested. Yes, it takes equal interest from both parties before a connection is even possible. If there truly was a real connection, you wouldn’t have to keep checking if the person maybe forgot to call you back. This goes for all relationships, romantic ones, friendships and professional. If somebody isn’t calling you back, it is because they don’t have any interest.

Next question: How many different methods of contact would you use before you stop trying? Call once, direct message once, Instagram once, text once, then try email, because you never know, maybe he lost his phone? Would you exhaust all methods of contact before you realize this person may be blowing you off?

When someone doesn’t reply it is a clear indicator of how much they are into you. Sure, there are both men and women who play texting games. They don’t reply immediately to appear too busy, then they are frustrated and dismayed when somebody won’t give them a clear and honest answer.

Here is my take. I have a lot of respect for myself. I trust myself, I like myself, I honor myself, therefore I will never beg for anyone’s attention. I won’t ask for your attention more than once. Go ahead, test me. Don’t call me back, and see what happens. Nothing. I respect myself too much to keep searching for signals when one is right in front of my nose. I also don’t fall apart, because it really is okay when somebody isn’t into me. I brush it off, I move on, I am grown up like that.

That said, we all have a trusted circle of friends and family. We know each other so well, that if a call is missed, a text left unanswered, our relationship isn’t threatened. Why? The trust has long been established. I have 2 family members, and a inner circle of vetted friends. We are good. No testing required.

But I also have a huge network of social connections, acquaintances, party people, professional network, and starving men. who are constantly asking for my time and attention. Not all of them qualify for my time. I appreciate seeing them once in a while, but the reason they are on the outer edges of my attention span is because I took me many years to learn how to filter, enforce my boundaries, and discern who should be in, who should be out. So, assuming that you like somebody, and would like to get to know them better, how many times would you try to get in?

People who keep calling over and over again, are actually broadcasting something very important about themselves to those who aren’t interested. They are sending out a signal, that the other is clearly picking up, and choosing not to engage with. What is that?

We all have that friend who calls and leaves a dozen voice-mails. Actually, I don’t any more, but I used to. We all have a few guys who keep reaching out over and over even though there is no chance at all. You may or may not have explained in words, hey, I’m not into you, but he still keeps trying anyway. Why? What signal are they sending you as they keep checking, do you like me now?

That signal is: I am not self aware. I am not aware when I am behaving in a way that is disrespectful to me. I am not loyal to myself, because your loyalty, attention and interest are more important to me. I have no self respect, I will keep calling even when I don’t get a reply. I choose to ignore other people’s disinterest, because it doesn’t feel good to me. As long as I keep trying, I feel like there is a chance to win them over, so it is easier to keep working on them, rather than work on myself. I am desperate, I am lonely, I don’t like myself as much as I like you.

What else are they projecting? They are projecting: I don’t care if you are irritated, I don’t care if I am annoying you, I don’t care how I appear in your eyes, I don’t care how you feel. A person with no self-respect, has no ability to respect you. When people show you who they really are, believe them.

In the past, I actually used to engage with such people, because I was nice. And as all nice girls, I would get bulldozed into roadkill by people like this. They thrive or they feast on others. When I used to ask them why they won’t stop calling me, almost all of them explained that they saw in me something that I could do or be for them. You are so smart, you could teach me, you could help me, you could save me, you could be for me what I am not for myself. You are not like the others, you are loyal. Yes, I am loyal to myself and those few people who have earned my trust, but I couldn’t possibly be loyal to someone who has no self-respect. Absolutely not.

Do you have someone in your life who just won’t go away? What are they projecting about themselves? What signal are they sending that turns you off? How many unanswered calls or texts did it take before you realized I don’t want this person? How many times did you ignore the message before your realized, this person is just going to be calling until I blatantly tell them to go away?

The reason I ask is to make us all think. Am I doing this to other people? Am I texting men well past the point where they have shown me no interest? How many messages do I leave for other people? When people ignore me, do I start trying to fix things, do I get triggered into chasing, do I want them even more? What am I projecting to other people when I behave this way? Am I projecting desperation, the need for approval, loneliness, a gaping hole within me that I am trying to fill through other people?

We all need to be aware of the signals we are sending out. Self-aware women possess the ability to gauge their own behavior, question it, even judge it to be unhealthy, then shift their focus into fixing themselves. Men and women who are not self-aware, tend to ignore that inner alarm that warns them to not call for the 10th time. They really don’t know what is wrong with that. If you ask them why are you still trying with this person, their answer usually points to how this person could satisfy them. They actually have no ability to gauge whether this other person likes them, wants them or is interested in them. They really don’t care. They are more concerned with having this person, than they are with themselves. This shows lack of empathy.

We have all been rejected in the past. Rejection is a normal part of life. How we handle rejection says a lot about who we are as adults. Some people are more self-aware than others, and they know that chasing anyone who doesn’t want them is demeaning. And other people have no inner compass. They lack the ability to look at themselves objectively, they actually cannot see themselves as they truly are.

To me personally, self-awareness is the most valuable quality I look for in the other person. Is he or she self-aware enough to discern when they are doing something wrong? Is he self-aware enough to notice when he is hurting me? Does he notice, or do I have to cry and scream before he knows he is doing something wrong? Is she self-aware enough to understand when she has crossed my boundaries, or do we have to argue about it many times before she will stop trying? Is she self-aware enough to apologize and correct her behavior, or does she need to be told that an apology is needed before she takes any action? Self-awareness and empathy go hand in hand. When you are aware of your self, you have the ability to see how other people feel as a result of your behavior.

That person who keeps calling 10 times, actually has no desire to read your signal. They have no ability to check themselves. Their need for your attention, approval, your interest exceeds their acknowledgement that maybe they are annoying you, maybe you don’t like them.

We all do this some time. All humans are more likely to seek attention of those who show little to no interest. In fact, a lot of slimy dating books teach men and women exactly that. Never appear to be eager, interested, available, never answer that text on time, delay it, etc. The reason this bad advice seems standard is because it works.

But if you are a healthy woman who does not want to trigger men into chasing, and wants to relate to all humans on a healthy level, you have to be aware of your own behavior and your goal should always be to heal yourself enough to act form a place of self-respect.

Why somebody won’t call you back is obvious. They are not into you. That’s the one and only truthful answer.

But of you are pursuing people who refuse to reach out, if you are calling people multiple times in a row and getting no answer, sit down with yourself. If you lack the ability to see what is wrong with that, if you lack the ability to connect with yourself and answer those uncomfortable questions, please get help from a qualified professional. Your friends and women you admire are not qualified to fix you. I am not qualified to help you.

If people are ignoring you, it is probably because you are ignoring yourself. If people refuse to connect to you, it is because you are not connected to yourself. They have all the evidence they need of who you are as a person. In fact, your 12 unanswered phone calls are that clear projection of what is going on inside you. You may not be aware of that, but they are.

How many unanswered messages are you willing to send out?

S

FEAR. Everybody knows how awful it feels. What if you have an ongoing, long-term fear, an anxiety, or an automatic negative feeling triggered by external circumstance? How to deal with it mindfully?

This post is not for everyone, but I am throwing it out there for those of you who are starting to get in touch with your inner self, raising awareness of your inner world, and are starting to practice managing negative energies which you feel inside your own body and mind.

Rather than go into details of the long-term effects of holding fear based energies and thoughts inside you, I would like to address how to manage that energy or feeling, and help it dissipate.

I have been dealing with anxiety since childhood, and in my early 30’s it culminated in an unfortunate outburst in the office, which involved the HR department, the legal team, and a strong recommendation that I speak with a therapist Long story short, rather than prescribe meds too treat my anxiety, a smart doc referred me to meditation, and I have been meditating for 18 years. I can’t teach you to mediate in a blog post, but those of you who are in tune to your internal energies will know what I am talking about.

Fear, anxiety and automatic negative thoughts can be debilitating, especially when you allow them to spin your mind out of control. I know first hand how damaging this can be to your job, your relationships and your family, when you are a pressure cooker waiting to explode. So here is my best explanation on how to manage fear and anxiety.

ACCEPTANCE. Don’t try to fight it, ignore it, pretend it isn’t there, or force yourself into positivity when you feel the presence of anxiety inside you. Accept the fact that you are anxious or fearful right now, then do your best to relax with it.

AWARENESS. Remain in awareness of that bad feeling and pay attention at all times to where it is within your body. If it is in the pit of your stomach, your heart or throat, stay aware of its presence inside you. If you know how to manage its movement, do not allow fear or anxiety to rise up to your mind. Keep it below your throat chakra. Again, do not force it down. Forcing anything will have the opposite effect and you will explode. Your awareness is an important tool and you can shift your awareness into a lower part of your body and the fear energy will move there. The goal is to keep your mind clear of that energy, and awareness of it will make it flow south (away from your head). The reason you shift your attention to your lower extremities is to prevent fear, anxiety or negativity from rising into your mind. If you have ever had an anxiety attack you know that this is where it can really do some damage. It can lead to mental paralysis, or a complete meltdown. You can really damage your external world by allowing that energy into your head (where it becomes a part of your reality).

Using your awareness, fist shift your focus lower and lower to move the energy down toward your belly. It’s a very powerful and stabilizing feeling to realize that you can move feelings around your body, and that you have the ability to separate your mind and body from it. In that awareness, you can see how you have willfully kept that energy away from your brain. Now you see you can move mountains!

Fear is just a feeling. The more you practice managing it, moving it, and staying aware of it, the more powerful you are over it. You realize that you have the choice whether to feel it (Fear can be a useful tool). You can allow it to take over your body and mind, or you can gently and mindfully separate from it.

Now that it is sitting comfortably in your belly you can observe the feeling of fear. Your observation may be enough to make it dissipate. Here it gets more complicated. It depends on how you observe fear. Some people amplify it and others dissolve fear through observation.

If you observe the feeling in a detached way (you are not emotional about that fear, you are not a victim of it, you are a disinterested bystander), if you are passive, the feeling of fear will subside. But if you watch fear actively, get involved with it, get emotional about it, you start to identify with it, and pretty soon you notice that fear expands within your body.

The only thing there is to fear is fear itself.

Read it again. Fearing fear is one of the quickest ways to amplify it, and explode in it. Many of us who have been dealing with anxiety, fear fear because we know how quickly it can overtake our body and mind. Once we start having fearful thoughts our entire reality becomes altered. Those things that no one finds threatening are the end of the world to us, and we can make some awful, truly damaging decisions in that mental place.

Fear is just a feeling, that you choose to feel then identify with it. You can become a very powerful manager of fear, when you mindfully observe it, then direct it away from your head, and separate from it.

A couple of nights ago, I had what most people would find a terrifying experience. I was almost assaulted on the street near my home. Except, I knew how to manage my fear and direct it elsewhere. As soon s I understood that I am in danger, I decided to manage it, my mind and my response. Rather than allow fear to take over, I stayed calm, searched my pockets for anything I could use as a weapon, and chose my response. Long story short, I would have been a statistic had I not scared the crap out of my attacker. He tried to attack me 3 times (it took that long to get home), and each time he ran away from me because I was more threatening to him, I felt so powerful, so in control, so confident that I knew that no matter what happens to me I will be okay. No matter what. I can honestly say this guy was more afraid of me than I ever was afraid of him. I mean that.

I got away, I had a mini meltdown and spent some time acknowledging my feelings. They are okay. I decided how I am going to feel about this incident. Yes, I set an intention about how I will eventually feel, it took me 24 hours and then I slowly moved into relief that I got away. I commended myself on how I handled it, I accepted the anger, fear and anxiety inside me, but minute by minute I was starting to feel a little better by focusing on what I did right, being grateful that I can stay focused and in control, and slowly I felt better, and better, and better. Today I feel really good.

INTENTION is the third step in directing your fear and anxiety. When I first became aware I was in danger, I set an intention that no matter what happens I will be okay. I will remain level headed, I will be calm and in control, and I will be okay. Intention is something you keep making every step of the way. Once I got away, I set another intention that I will accept the incident, that I will process it in my own time, that I will not be a victim, that I will not hate people, that I will not fear people, that I will not identify with this trauma. I set the intention that I will release it, and that I will still love all people anyway.

For a brief moment I thought about buying a weapon. Then I realized that is a fear based decision. I have never lived in fear. I love my city, I walk freely at night, I am never afraid. Having a weapon will make me aware of danger, make me mistrust people. I wont do that. My first instinct was to call my friends and cry about it. Nope. I won’t spread fear to them, I wont take a chance that one of them will make me feel like a victim, and convince me that the world is scary and that people are bad. This is one scary incident out of my 48 years on this earth, I am not going there.

Intention gives you a choice. You set intentions before bad things happen. They are just a light that shines to point the direction for you to go. You also set intentions as bad things are happening. They are your next step, and your next step, and your next step.

If you have anxiety issues like I do I set my intention every morning to get past it, to do whatever it takes to calm myself, to detach, to mindfully remove it from my body, and always to keep the energy of anxiety and fear out of my head space where it can really do major damage to others as well.

Fear, anxiety, and automatic negative thoughts can be managed mindfully. You coddle them with your awareness. This is why it is so important to be focused internally, so that you can recognize bad feelings, acknowledge them, and work with them. You can do nothing about them if you believe that bad things are happening to you and that you are just an innocent bystander. You can do nothing about them with a victim mentality.

You can manage them effectively by making friends with them. Now I see that fear is just a feeling I was afraid of all my life. That uncontrolled, unaddressed feeling lead to anxiety, which wreaked havoc on my life for many years. Now I know how to manage my mind-body connection, choose how I will feel, then coddle those bad energies into submission. Your mind is a powerful tool. Go inward, get in touch with all aspects of yourself, then learn how to manage those energies inside you.

S

“If it’s free, it’s for me”. You have heard the expression. Some women can totally identify with the statement, while others find free stuff cheap, distasteful, and are offended by freebies. Why?

In business school, we learned “When something is free, you’re not the customer, you’re the product.” If you fill out a form to receive a free e-Book, you trade personal data for that free book which is then sold. I once won a free vacation, only later I learned that I unwittingly qualified for a 7-day sales pitch at a time-share.

Are you for sale? Take some time to think about that. How easily can I buy your attention, loyalty, agreement, support? Could a man buy that?

Don’t be offended, there is a lot you can learn here by being honest with yourself. The reason I bring up this topic is that I see that so many women sell their smile, congeniality, agreement in exchange for approval, free dinner, a business opportunity, an open door. And later, when they see the price tag of that free lunch, they are offended. What do you mean you expect sex in exchange dinner at a fancy restaurant? We never agreed to that?

We often find ourselves in uncomfortable situations with men who think that something they offer is a trade for something they want in return.

To some women this is even normal. In some cultures, dating and relationships are all about what the man can do, and women are expected to let him make a show of all that he has to offer, and in exchange shower him with attention and validation. They are comfortable trading a few hours of their time for whatever they get in return, dinner, a Chanel bag, etc.

But, nothing in life is free. And if you are willing to trade with men, don’t be offended nor surprised when they perceive you as “for sale”. A lot of guys are guilty of extending generous offers and playing “let’s make a deal” with women, but those same, generous males have no respect for the same women who accepted the offer. You’ve seen it happen before, he treats her lavishly for a few weeks, then accuses her of being a gold digger a week later, then trades her for a newer model. Why? No one can make a trade with you until you say yes.

Even when a guy is not douchey, yes, even quality guys look for signs that a woman is for sale. I know a lot of really good guys, and often interview them. They have been burned by women who expected to be treated lavishly, but she disappeared when it came time to have sex. Why? It is quite common for men to experience women like that, so they take great time and effort to screen out those who are for sale. Quality guys don’t respect women like that, and so they observe how much she takes, and how much she gives back or reciprocates.

Some women see nothing wrong with this. They confuse this “trade” with having high expectations. They think that expensive dinners, lavish gifts and prizes are just signs that a male respects them, values them, and is serious about them. But then they are surprised to find out that he can afford to buy the attention of three women at the same time, that he can afford to disrespect all of them, that he can afford to string them along, that he can afford to use them as validation, that he can afford to use them to boost his ego, and that he can afford to dump them because he owns their time and attention. Are those truly high standards?

This scenario goes both ways. It has happened to my successful female friends that men offer their body or loyalty in exchange for financial support. One minute they can’t be bothered to commit, the next minute he sees her tax return, and immediately wants a baby. Men think I have money, so it is quite common for me to receive commitment the minute they see my watch, my home, my car. Men can be gold diggers too, and they are far more common than anyone realizes/

When you were a child, did you mom teach you to not take free candy from strangers? Why did she teach you never to do that? What happens when you take the candy?

When you were a kid, did your mom teach you not accept a free ride from a stranger? Why did she teach you that? What happens when you accept that free ride?

I am not telling you not to go on dates, or trying to scare you about men. I am asking you to think long and hard about the terms of the offer before you say yes. What are you saying yes to? What exactly is being offered? What are his expectations? Most importantly, do you appreciate this person or are you sticking around to see what you get?

A guy asks you out, and he is of no interest to you whatsoever. Either you don’t find him attractive, or he is not your type, whatever the reason, you said no. He then sweetens the deal and tells you that he will take you to the best restaurant in town, and it’s all on him. Now do you say yes? Why? If you weren’t into him before he offered a lavish dinner, what makes you interested now?

I know a few very successful women who will compromise, and go out with anyone who offers something lavish because hey, it’s a free. What’s the harm in trading an hour of her time, in exchange for a five star meal? They keep accepting offers simply because he is giving away something for free. After three dates he expects sex, he has invested enough money. But, now she is not into him, and politely declines. Things quickly get ugly. He gave enough, in fact he gave a lot. Dates aren’t supposed to be about money, but they are about expectations.

Have you ever been that woman who keeps giving, giving, giving herself, and gets nothing in return from men? Now you know how it feels to buy, buy, buy, and get nothing in return.

I am not defending slimy men here. I am pointing out that we all have expectations that we don’t discuss up front. Our expectations are usually implied, we go through with the dates, and when one of the people gets nothing in return, one of them will surely feel cheated. One person will be accused of taking advantage, while the other will feel cheated out of money or time.

When we don’t want the man, but accept the free dinner, free vacation, free gifts, we are cheating both of us. You are not just making a bad deal with the guy, you are selling yourself out too. How does it feel to sell your attention or your time in exchange for food?

Personally, I only accept the date if I am genuinely interested in the man. I may not know him well, but I have to genuinely want to know him. If I don’t, I don’t let him buy my time. My time or attention are not for sale.

Sure, some guys get annoyed that no matter how much they try to sweeten the deal, I still say no thank you. There is nothing they can do to get time with me, unless I want to share my time with them. I have learned the hard way, that there is nothing to gain from trading my time. In the end, what is truly on offer is the guy, and if I am not attracted to him, no amount of money or expensive dinners will make him attractive.

If you keep making bad deals with men, stop and think, why are you making a deal at all? If the point of the date is to get to know a compatible human being, or to find a true connection, then why fall for a deal? If he is not enough all by himself, why did you let him keep increasing his offer?

No one can make a deal with you unless you say yes. No one can buy your attention or time, unless you accept money, gifts, free stuff. That is on you. In the end, you didn’t fall for the man, you fell for the free gifts, free vacations, false promises. I don’t feel sorry for women like that at all. Women often accuse guys like that of being users. But who is using whom?

You say you want true love, but you keep falling in love with what someone is giving you. You say you want a genuine man, but how genuine are you?

We all want to be treated well. I do to. There were relationships with men whom I truly respected, and I did receive nice gifts. But I reciprocated with equal gifts in return. No one bought expensive stuff until the relationship was healthy, committed, balanced, and trust was established. The gifts were never necessary, the love would have been enough.

Why not evaluate men for the love they give? Instead of measuring their gifts, why not evaluate the human instead? You can’t see him for who he truly is when you are blinded by bling. you cannot truly evaluate the emotional connection nor his inner emotional health if you are adding Cartier, Chanel and Tiffany into the equation.

There are a lot of popular dating books out there that teach women to gauge his interest by how much he is spending. Keep in mind that a guy with more money can afford to string three women along with lavish gifts. This is bad advice.

If you truly want an emotional bond, then the only thing you have to love is his heart. If he has one. You also have to be genuine enough yourself, to not be for sale. You cannot be swayed by expensive dinners and bling, an honorable woman would not be impressed by that.

If you have made some bad deals with men in the past, it is because they saw a “for sale” sign on your forehead. Sorry, but you made a bad trade. You have to take responsibility for saying yes to bling, vacations, or whatever turns you on. You are a grown woman, and if males can buy your attention with free candy, then take a long time out, peel that “for sale” sign off you forehead, and rethink how you perceive men and relationships.

Karma makes sure that we all get what we deserve. If you keep trading, it is because you’re a trader of time, attention, affection, or love. Stop trading with males, and start relating to humans instead.

A Priceless Woman Has No Price Tag.

S

This morning a member of our private forum posted “If your presence doesn’t add value, your absence won’t make a difference.” How many people are trying to be present in your life? How many lives are you trying to be in?

Women are often offended when someone isn’t making an equal effort to be with us, but rather than get upset, this is a great situation to objectively gauge of what value you are to people and what value they bring to you.

Sure, it hurts. You really, really like someone, and they can’t be bothered to answer your call. You really, really, want to belong, but the group you admire rarely invites you out. You are a giver, and they only make an effort when they need something. We all have friends, lovers and family members who do this.

Ever since I learned to value myself more than anyone else, I no longer get upset. I understand that even if I make myself into the epitome of the ultimate woman, the Goddess, I will still not be a match to some people. I don’t even try. It was way too much pressure and disheartening to try to match myself to other people. I am happy with myself, with all that I have to offer, but I am also very happy with all that I don’t offer. There are a lot of things I don’t bring to the table, not because I am deficient or insecure, but because I now know which tables are worth dining at.

Today, I look at groups I once tried to belong to, and people whose lives I tried to join as less than. This isn’t because I am resentful, but because I know exactly how much I invested into myself. Today, it is okay if people don’t like me, don’t need me, don’t seek my company, and I am okay not accepting attention or company of people who have no value to me. If you want to be discerning, and create a life full of people and situations that are of value to you, then you have to accept that there will be others who won’t see any value in you. Don’t get upset, healthy people have strong boundaries and tighter filters. Rather than try to squeeze yourself through their filter, work on your own feelings and on increasing your own value.

What does “value” actually mean? What do you have to bring to the table? We have all seen relationships and group dynamics where one person has money, social status or a reputation, and people want to be with her because they perceive those qualities to be valuable. Is that value?? It can be, if both parties see a benefit to it. It’s a superficial relationship, and it can only last as long as both parties gain equally.

But if you are a humble human who wants to be appreciated for who you are, how do you build value in yourself and how do you get people to include you, and value your time and attention? What makes a woman valuable?

We all value ourselves and others by different metrics, and as superficial as some standards are, there are always people who will seek out those surface traits. I think that is okay. Some women invest a lot of time and effort into their physical appearance. As critical as I used to be of that, I see that the are highly sought after because of their amazing looks. Good for them. Others, are heavily invested in their careers or building their empires. I admire that, but as successful as some of my peers are, I still see them just as likely to get rejected in social or romantic situations. Why? Some of us seek to be well-rounded, and invest in our inner, emotional growth. We strive for balance, and still we are not enough for some people.

I think it is okay to not be enough for others, as long as we are enough for ourselves. When we are not enough, we will always feel rejected, inadequate, marginalized by social cliques. This is what we have to work on- how we feel about not being valued by others. But, I am perfectly okay and have fully accepted my own failures and shortcomings. I am no longer critical of that, because after I got over the bruises to my ego, I realized that some of my efforts and projects weren’t all that important to me.

I think it is crucial to become okay with all our flaws, our failures, areas of life where we didn’t meet our own expectations. But it is also extremely important to become okay with other people not valuing us enough. We all know how demoralizing it is to keep striving to meet other people’s standards and expectations, so why do we get angry when we don’t get accepted by them? If it truly is okay to not strive to belong, then why is it not okay to be rejected by people we try to belong with?

Become okay with rejection. Become okay with not being valued. Nobody can value you as much as you value yourself. I can’t possibly be all things to all people, so I am perfectly okay not being liked by everybody. In fact, I am disliked by many people. I no longer waste time pondering what I have done to disappoint them.

At any given time, there are usually 1-2 people in my life who give less to me, or try less to be with me than I try with them. I realized that this is how I drain myself. Yes, that pursuit of their attention or time drains me, but that is a choice I make all by myself.
Stop accusing people who don’t value you of not finding value in you. That is not their job. As long as you are resentful of not getting what you perceive as your fair share of their energy, you are hurting yourself by constantly measuring what is fair to you. You are measuring your own value against how other people perceive you and you will always fall short. Why should anyone value you more than you are of value to them?

When you truly value yourself, you are more aware of the imbalance within, and you seek to re-balance yourself. Rather than be resentful of that friend who never picks up the phone and rarely invites me, I ask myself why am I in so much need of attention of a person who sees little value in me? Don’t be afraid of the answer to that question. It will be unpleasant and you will not like it. But, that’s what balanced women do, they can face their own inadequacies and work on themselves. The ugly truth is that there are areas of my own life where I am still seeking approval of others. Sure, it is painful for this Goddess to admit that, but I am happy that I discovered this inadequacy right now through a friend, than to find out how inadequate I feel in a romantic relationship. That would be much more painful. This is something that I can repair easily by sitting with myself and my own emotions, and figuring out how to fulfill my own deficiency.

The reason that rejection happens is because your life experiences mirror your soul. You might think that people “make you feel inadequate”, but no one can make you feel anything. YOU feel inadequate within yourself and you are blaming other people who simply show you what is missing. You need to fill your own cracks, no one will value a leaky cup. All those experiences where you see that people don’t value you enough, are an opportunity to add value to yourself.

I have a ton of people in my life. Some value me more than others. I am okay with that. Some need me to the point that it drains me. I don’t value them at all, nor do I feel bad about ignoring them. Others need me for superficial reasons. There are plenty of superficial situations where its is fine to have superficial connections. I don’t invest much, but I don’t overthink it either. And then there are people who mirror me until I see within myself whatever I am accusing them of. These are valuable lessons where I get to see how I am pursuing people and situations who I think will fill some need, but it turns out this is a need I should fill for myself.

That quote “If your presence doesn’t add value, your absence won’t make a difference” is so true. Our egos would love to believe that they will be sorry when we are gone, but that’s just our own insecurity talking. If you bring no value, they will not regret you. The goal is not to hold resentment, but to accept the fact that you cannot bring value to everyone’s table, nor should you want to. It’s also a reminder that you may still be trying to be accepted or approved of, when instead you should be satisfied with all that you are, and all that you are not.

My point is, you will never be enough for everybody, you just have to be cool with that. If you are satisfied with yourself, you are enough. That’s all that maters.

S

Have you ever gone out on a date with someone you didn’t want romantically? Have you ever gone against your intuition? Have you ever allowed someone to twist your arm, or talk you into giving them time, when your intuition was screaming no? How did the date feel? How did it end? How did you feel after you cancelled your feelings and gave your time, attention and energy to someone you felt was not for you?

I bring this up because in the last ten days I spoke with a few women in our private forum  who felt awful going on a date. Many of you ladies are intuitive, and can feel the emotions or the state of being in another human. Many of you are a whole lot more intuitive than you think you are, but are ignoring your own intuition. Others feel guilty not giving a chance to those who keep asking us on dates. And many of you, have succumbed to peer pressure- yes, there is peer pressure when it comes to dating. It is when your friends insist that you give a nice guy a chance,  tell you that your high standards are unreasonable, that your intuition must be off because they know and like this guy.

A few of you have gone on dates and felt awful being there. Why? It is because you were cheating yourself? You are doing something that your mind and body are screaming NO, and you are negating your intuitive gift and doing the opposite. That is why the date feels like emotional torture.

It is wrong. It is very wrong to disrespect yourself this way. It is very wrong to allow other people’s feelings to dictate how you should feel about someone. It is extremely wrong to allow a man who has used tactics like mild manipulation, guilt or shame to get time with you. and it is wrong for friends to push men on you, or make you feel like you don’t know what is right for you.

But the real reason going on a date with someone you feel isn’t right is wrong is because you are cheating yourself. Have you noticed how contradicting your own feelings makes you feel? Those dates feel like physical, emotional, and mental torture. The guy might even be nice, but it is you who feels absolutely heinous about yourself? Why?

Most women could relate to how awful it would feel to have to get intimate or have sex with someone they find physically, emotionally, or personally unappealing. Every woman knows how disgusting it would feel too have a man forced upon her. So why do we feel guilty when we have to talk ourselves into going on a date, or to give a chance to someone our intuition is telling us is a big NO.? It feels awful because you are much more intuitive than you have allowed yourself to believe, and you are doing something that is repulsive to you. Your friends probably don’t understand why you cannot consider that date.

Honor yourself. You have a heart, a mind, a body and a soul, and you are dishonoring your entire being by not doing what is in your best interest. You would have no problem rejecting a toxic food, staying away from secondhand smoke, nor ingesting poison. Why do you allow yourself to ingest what automatically feels awful to you?

None of your friends know what this guy feels like to you. Most of them have not dated him, nor had to sleep with him. If they knew how your stomach gets twisted into knots at the thought of having to date him, they would never ask you to do that. We all know that “nice” does not qualify a man. Sure he is a great friend to them, but you are the one being asked to consider him in a way they are not.

So what happened when you went on a date, or gave a chance to a guy your intuition was telling you NO? In my experience, it always ended with a giant slap in my own face, and it was always well-deserved. I always felt gross, like I was doing something shitty to myself. Only, like many women, I believed that I am wrong, and that the guy, or the friends who talked me into him were right. I swear, I will never talk a friend into giving a man a chance, when only she knows who feels wrong to her.

For many years I did not believe in intuition. I am a very logical person, with all the logical diplomas that reject something that isn’t scientifically proven. All along, my mind and body were screaming at me, while I was forcing myself to accept people and ideas that felt absolutely wrong to me. And all along, I felt awful about myself. Why can’t I talk to that man? Every ounce of my being rejects him, but every well-meaning friend is telling me that I must be nice and give him consideration. Do people know how gross it feels?

I have stated many times in this forum, that intuitive women should date less, not more. Why? We have a gift. We can sense people, read them, feel them out very quickly. Other women must kiss a thousand frogs to find out much later that there is no prince hiding inside. We can sense that the frog is just a frog, and leave it alone. Some women have to go on a thousand dates, give everyone an equal chance, then feel deflated and spent later, when they put in so much work into getting to know him, when you intuitive ladies already know him. Know you are not wrong. Stop doubting yourself.

Please stop feeling guilty for having to say No. You are absolutely entitled to honoring your intuition, and honoring yourself. If dates feel disgusting to you, it is because you are ignoring red flags only your intuition picks up. Your friends can’t spot that, the guy feels fine to them. He may be within their level of consciousness, he may be on their level of emotional intelligence, he may meet their requirements but what difference does that make, when he is outside of your energetic or emotional range?

Intuitive people are very sensitive to feelings, emotions, and energies of others. I know that science does not support that assertion. That’s fine. You are not a science experiment, you are a conscious being with a gift. The more you ignore that gift, the more you dishonor yourself, and that’s why some dates feel awful to you.

Put your gift to good use, use it in your highest honor. There is nothing wrong with you for not being able to give every male a chance. This is something right. Please read this sentence again, and process it internally. Your inability to give chances to everyone, is your gift. You absolutely should use it to select the right people to surround yourself. You will see that all your relationships will change for the better when you acknowledge the utmost importance of being the most honoring to yourself first.

If you haven’t dated in a while, please don’t think there is something wrong with you. You already know that only some people feel good to you, and that compromising yourself is abusive to your heart and your mind. Trust your intuition.

If you are still doubting your intuition, but believe that your feelings may be right, please work on expanding and allowing your intuition. There are exercises, meditations, practices to help you open yourself up to your higher self.

If you are wondering why you still haven’t met the one, it is because you have still not recognized him. You may still be considering the possibility that you are wrong, you might be doubting your choices, you might still be allowing the toxic to seep into your life. You may be filled with self-doubt, you are not using your gift to see people as they truly are, you might be forcing yourself to consider those your intuition has already  rejected. You have a little more ways to go before you fully trust yourself.

Intuitive people date differently, and we select our partners differently. We don’t consider their resume, vital stats, nor how they look on paper. Instead we feel our way into relationships with people who are both right and wrong for us. We don’t need to take a long time to get to know someone, we know how people feel to us right away. I don’t need 3, 6, or 12 months to negotiate a relationship with a male I know right away. I can sense that there is nothing within him that matches what I feel strongly within me.  A non-intuitive woman may not realize even a year down the road that he has no feelings, nor that he may not be capable of emoting at all. She will find out later, in a painful way, what an intuitive woman has been able to feel all along. So, why is it wrong then to ignore what you feel, and give people chances to continue to convince you what they need you to believe? Goddess, trust yourself.

As long as I was doubting my intuition, dating felt like torture to me. I was negating my own feelings in favor of other people’s demands for my time. I felt like shit about myself dating men who insisted they were right, but felt totally wrong to me.

I date much less now, and I feel wonderful about that. I no longer give time, energy, consideration nor chances to people who feel wrong. I no longer feel conflicted between what I feel and what other people think is right. I am so in tune with myself, that I no longer entertain males I don’t feel for even 30 seconds. I know myself. I trust myself. That feels very empowering.

I don’t feel guilty trusting only my own instincts. Yes, I have a smart head on my shoulders and I am naturally a very logical person. When my logic tells me No, I believe my own reasoning mind.

What I don’t believe are other people. They can’t possibly know what is right only for me. The most painful regrets I have in life, are making decisions that are in other people’s interest and not mine. Yes, every date I had with a guy who twisted my arm into it felt like torture. Every date I allowed a friend to set me up on, was also awful. Why did I trust my friends more than myself?

Make peace with yourself. You are an intuitive being and you can only do what you feel is right for you. Any input that comes from outside of you, will feel wrong, and rightfully so. Stop feeling like you are doing something wrong. You are doing what many people cannot do for themselves. I am not criticizing non-intuitive women at all. We are all different. It makes no sense to twist an intuitive woman’s arm into ignoring what she feels.

Accept the fact that you will love and date differently than other men and women. That is perfectly okay. If you want to sharpen your intuition, then focus on making yourself 100% reliant on your own senses. My intuition has risen to about 95% mainly because I started trusting my own feelings. The improvements in my personal relationships in all areas of my life are massive. I am surrounded by much better people because I honored my own intuition about them. Sure, I make mistakes. You will too. But, once you know you have overestimated someone, you will not have a problem quickly correcting your mistake, and letting go of people who are not in your highest good. I make no apologies for that. Trust me you won’t either.

Goddess, know yourself, trust yourself, honor yourself.

S

WIN WITHOUT TRYING. Of course, you have to know your craft. Of course you have to have expertise in your line of work. If you are an athlete, of course you have to train. But, often when we are after something important, a job promotion, a medal, a license exam, even a man, we tend to work ourselves into a mental tizzy, and we compete for what we want instead of being our best selves. Winning without trying, winning while maintaining our dignity, means winning on our own merit, not because we are competing against others.

Winning without trying is an ancient Taoist concept. It is being calm, and level headed enough to not measure yourself against others, not see your object of desire as something to compete for, but simply being confident that you are enough. You are enough for that job promotion, you are enough for that medal, you are enough for that man- so enough that your enoughness does not warrant stooping low, playing games, trying to outdo other women, you are so enough that you know that even if you don’t get what you want you are more than enough anyway. You are so enough that you are probably better qualified for a higher position, a tougher race, a much more conscious man. When a woman who is enough doesn’t get what she wants, it is because she is worth more.

This is all a matter of your own mental state in the moment. When you feel that anxiety that your goal is out of reach, that your winning or losing is dependent on the correct words, that your credentials are a matter of perfection, that your man has better options than you, then of course you will feel the urge to compete against others, perhaps even manipulate the situation to give yourself a greater chance. In that moment, your mind is aware of your disadvantage, of all obstacles, and is in a state of not enoughness. You are aware of your own inequality.

If you were an employer who is interviewing candidates, who would seem most fit for the job? The one who is calm, confident, whose talent and intelligence speak for themselves, or the candidate who is nervous, anxious, in desperate need of the position?

If you are a woman who is filtering offers from multiple men, who would seem most fit for your company? That male who is making your phone ring 12 times a day, that desperado who is parking his sports car in front of your house, and repeating it’s make and model every time he has one minute of your time? Or, is it that man who asks you out only once, did not have to state anything to impress you, and seems cool if your answer is no?

People who are anxiously competing, relentlessly striving, standing on their heads to win are usually the ones who appear to have the lowest chances. They may be perfectly qualified, but they are projecting to their world their own awareness that they have a lot to lose if they don’t win, and their desperation.

So the Taoist concept of winning without trying states that you must be a master of your craft to be good at it, and yes you have to be qualified. Of course you have to work toward those qualifications. But, when we get into that mental state of urgency, desperation, competition, we start to sweat, question ourselves, doubt our abilities, and lose our alignment. We fall out of balance, we act out of fear of losing, we are more likely to do things that are undignified. This is how we lose our flow. But, when we play for fun, for the love of the sport, or for the love of our profession, we are unburdened by the possible consequences of not winning. In that free flow state, we are most likely to win with ease.

Being a winner is not about competing for anything at all. Being a winner is your awareness of being enough to qualify for whatever you want. It is confidence, it is dignity, it is self-awareness, it is love for yourself and for what you already have,

When you already ARE, there is no sense of urgency TO BE.

Picture this scene. A new designer handbag is being launched on the market, all the fashion magazines are talking about the latest IT bag, and all the fashionistas are drooling over it and coveting this prize. There are dozens of girls on the street below your office window, wearing flip-flops, waiting outside the store for hours, credit-cards ready in their hands. It may take them months to pay for this bag, but they all NEED it in order to win the game of who is the top fashion slave of the season. And then there is you, calmly observing this scene from your office window. There is no need to wait outside some store for hours, you have no intention of bursting through its doors and fighting hordes of girls for just a bag.

Instead, you stay cool, pick up your phone and dial the store. “Please send me that Birkin and have it delivered to my office this afternoon”.

Who is the real winner? Who already is in that winning mentality? Winning is not about competing against others, even when you are running a race. How fast others are running makes no difference. All that matters is how fast you can run, and that is a matter of your own training and athleticism. Trying means measuring your speed against others’. Winning means being the best runner.

So, the next time you think that you have to be the prettiest, sexiest, smartest, most engaging woman out there to win the attention of a male, please stop trying to be the winner. He is observing how many women are trying just for him, and they are playing a game of who can stroke his ego the best.

Being a Goddess means being aware of the self, your goodness, your elevation, your achievements, your radiance, your energy. your being. You receive everything with ease, when you maintain your flow, your lightheartedness, when you take your attention away from the race, when you remove all pressure from yourself.

There is no trying, when you already ARE.

S