We all leave relationships because we are not being loved the way we want to be loved. The kind of love I dream of, is not being given by the other person. It’s not his fault, he has his own paradigm for love. And we all owe it only to ourselves to find exactly the kind of love we want. If we are settling for less, that’s our own choice. Some people are too afraid of what might be out there, and will accept less simply because they have found a sure thing. To each her own.
But the kind of relationships we keep experiencing and the kind of love we receive reflect who we are on our current level of self-development and awareness, and the kind of love we give depends on our current level of consciousness. People with extremely limiting beliefs will experience only relationships that fit within certain parameters. People of lower consciousness will almost certainly choose certainty, and the higher they evolve through life circumstance, experience and their need to survive, the more likely they are to shed ideas which do not serve them. Traditionalists tend to be married to status quo, and are over-focused on preservation of their love-view, rather than experience terrifying change.
The more conscious a person is the less they have a fixed attitude on any subject. Fixations, regardless of whether they are religious, political, or social, tend to keeps us anchored to a place, and a lot of people believe in growing roots deep into the ground and staying fixed permanently in place, rather than giving themselves the freedom to spread their wings and fly. They tend to hang onto things and people, rather than encouraging them to expand, explore, and choose for themselves.
The most conscious people are more ephemeral, flexible, fluid, and intuitive. They have accepted and mastered change, and perceive life’s difficulties as opportunities to grow. In fact, growth is key to ultimate life’s experience, so they embrace uncomfortable change knowing that it will expand them. Conscious people believe in personal freedom, and love without boundaries. They understand that pure love is without condition, and so they don’t impose conditions on their loved ones.
Where an unconscious person might dole out love in equal measure for what is being given to them, a conscious person loves everyone no matter what. An unconscious human might barter love for some peace of mind and security, a conscious person would love even if nothing was being given in return. The unconscious love in order to be provided for, the conscious know that love cannot be traded, and that is absolutely free and unlimited.
How is love free? Each of us is capable of producing the feeling of love in our own hearts on our own. No one owns that feeling. Who or what you love is just an object toward which you direct that feeling. If that person doesn’t love you back, you are still able to produce and maintain that feeling of love, regardless of what they do. It is your prerogative. When less conscious people attempt to trade love for marriage, they assume that they are able to take that feeling of love from their hearts and give that feeling to the other in exchange for a contract. But the other cannot feel their feelings, nor can he/she ever know if that feeling is genuine. In essence they have traded loyalty and a promise in exchange for something tangible.
A conscious person knows that love is not in the object, it is within us. When the object leaves, we are still capable of producing and enjoying that feeling of love as we wish. Just because I give love to one person, doesn’t mean that I have less love for the next. Just because someone is gone, doesn’t mean that I have to rip the feeling of love out of my heart and bleed. I can love anyway. In fact, I love all my exes and am grateful for all the beautiful experiences.
I used to complain that my narcissistic codependent parents could not love me the way I loved them back. Like any child I was ungrateful for what they offered. I didn’t want the boarding schools, my own car, the trips around the world, I wanted them to acknowledge me and my special being, and make me feel as such. They didn’t. All they could do was produce those things that all traditional parents are instructed to do: guidance, lessons, manners, obedience and an education. Did they owe me more? As much as I wished I could get love out of them, I now know they didn’t owe it to me. Each loved on the level of their own consciousness. Their marriage was traditional, stable, codependent, difficult, and they accomplished exactly what they were expected: a home, two children, a business, some nice cars, and a comfortable retirement.
Even as a child I knew I was capable of a greater kind of love, so I practiced it anyway. Regardless of how they treated me or what they did to each other, I knew my love would be greater than that. My first marriage was an example of that. Though at 26 I was not nearly as self-aware nor awake as I am today, I still was able to produce a more conscious love than my parents thought was possible. And since my divorce, I produced even more love with every subsequent person. That’s not because the person is better or that he provides me with more love, it is because I am more conscious of what love is.
I am more capable of staying in that feeling of love regardless of my circumstances, and am able to hold onto it better when my lovers act in ways that do not please me. They don’t have to please me, I am always being pleased anyway.
But there is such a thing as egotistical consciousness, the idea that we are so highly enlightened that anyone who does not obey or follow us, must be far less conscious than we are. Beware of the egos, the narcissists, the far-from-conscious. They all want to teach or sell you something. We all tend to look at our lovers with a critical eye and accuse them of being less conscious than we are if they are not pleasing us in ways we want to be pleased. If he or she is not reflecting back to us the person we think we are, that is not their fault. We are all mirrors, and can only reflect back what we see.
The world is changing, and always for the better. In my lifetime there has been a huge shift in what love and relationships are and I am very pleased with that. The institution of marriage is failing, not because people no longer value love, but because they are less dependant on contracts. We all still love, perhaps even more so. Back when we were allotted one spouse to last us a lifetime we could only love one person. Today, we all love multiple people, and with each lover, if we are able to let go, produce more and more and more love. We are also allowed all different kinds of love that were not acceptable only thirty years ago. Today interracial love is normal, gay love is accepted, and society is adjusting to accommodate all sorts of new ways to love. Sure, there are complainers, but we manage to love anyway.
The fact is that all that consciousness is, is pure love. Can you love your enemy? Can you love that toxic, abusive, good-for-nothing ex? Can you love that person who refuses to love you back? Can you love that politician who is taking away your rights? Can you love that idiot who refuses to see you are correct? Well, then you have a lot of work to do on yourself. The good news is that the work on the self never ends and you have a lifetime to learn how to love purely. The good news is that if you fail, and you sure will a few times, there is no shortage of love nor lovers in this world who will be willing to give you a try. Practice makes perfect, and the world is full of beautiful people who also enjoy the practice.
By the way, how can you claim to love purely when you don’t enjoy they experience of failing at love? Isn’t that a contradiction? We all know people who are afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting soiled by more experience, afraid of the agony of letting go. Can you imagine what kind of concept of love they hold in their hearts?
It is okay to love people regardless of what kind of love they can give you. It may not be okay to marry them, because marriage is in essence a transaction, a tit for tat. But, if you truly want to expand your consciousness, practice loving all that is unlovable. Yes, even your wretched mother-in-law 🙂 . Sure, it is challenging to love a person of lower consciousness knowing that we will never be able to meet their expectations. They want, they need, they require and they will always be asking for more evidence of what they think is love, when all we can give them is pure love. If loving them is enjoyable, don’t feel guilty for sharing your experience with them at all. Once it starts to feel like a drag, like they are asking for objects, contracts, promises, behavior modification, therapy or various sorts of evidence, you are free to spread your love elsewhere.
Just like god, love is everywhere. In fact, they are synonymous. Can anyone own god? Then how can they own a fully conscious being? A fully conscious being is one with the universe, like an oxygen molecule is part of the atmosphere, it is all there is.
If you want to experience a greater type of love, then free yourself. All that is great is not chained in place, nor bound to you. All that is great is free to grow, welcome to explore, easy to love, sometimes even fleeting. Love is in that moment that you experienced it, not in what you got out of it. Love is never in the other person, it is always inside of you.
We love at our own level of consciousness. How great a love you receive depends on how great a love you are capable of.