A friend who is also in the private “Goddess” forum said something that truly resonated. “Women have to understand that they are they are the only ones who can determine their own value”. What did she mean? Often women derive their value by how men or the outside world treats them. Those women who get everything, or those girls who are treated like princesses must be valuable, but those who get kicked to the curb, must not be. That isn’t true at all. Often those are the same women. When a man needs a woman he treats her very well, and when she is spent or when he is done, he tosses the same woman aside. But women who derive their value from how others treat them will never have any value at all. Their self worth is based upon the behavior and opinions of others.
For most people it takes a lifetime to learn that we build our own self-worth. Most of us weren’t born with it, most of us had to learn the hard way that we have to value ourselves. For most women, these are just nice words that are rarely and often reluctantly put into practice. But, how people treat you is a reflection of how much you value yourself, so doesn’t it make sense to invest your time, money, your spirituality and your growth into yourself?
When I was young, I rebelled against my parents because they thought that their words should have a greater impact on what I do and how I feel about myself, which I knew was demeaning. But, later when I was married, yes I derived much of my self-worth from how my ex treated me (luckily he treated me very well), and how happy he was with the marriage. (eeew, but yes, that was me). Later, as I experimented with many men for almost a decade, I realized that the only ones who valued me were the ones who admired my boundaries, my ease of saying No, my willingness to stand up to them, even lose them. The ones who did not respect me were the ones who crossed my boundaries easily, without me putting up much of a fight.
So, while there may be low quality men in this world, you can’t blame your low value on how they treat you. You have to take responsibility for finding worth within yourself. When the only way you can feel loved is when the man shows you his love, you will always fall short. No human could possibly love you the way you should love yourself.
Building self worth is a long and painful process. It takes years. But, it is the best investment I ever made. When your level of worth is much higher than any person could give you, relationships become much easier. A lot of low value people will not even bother to approach you. A high value woman is “too much effort” and low value men like them nice and easy. A lot of mediocre men will try you for their own amusement, and give up when they see you don’t give attention to what doesn’t meet your personal standards. Those people will fall out of your life easily too. And a lot of high value men, will first test you. All healthy humans value character, integrity, truth, honesty and authenticity, so don’t be surprised nor offended when people test that. When you are all that, you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone except the few you are interested in. Trust me, they will easily recognize you.
I now see myself as Teflon. All greasy, slimy men fall off me 🙂 There’s nothing they could say to hold my attention nor stick to me. But all the value I posses is my own. I built it, so I own it. No one can take my value away by offending me, making me distrust myself, making me feel insecure, questioning my judgment. I know myself, I trust myself, I respect myself, I own myself. How can anyone take away that Self that I created?
Today, all this seems very easy. But, like everyone else who earned value, I had to earn it through blood, sweat and tears. But, that friend who said that we are the determining factor of our own value wasn’t exaggerating. You have no value at all, unless you build it all by yourself. Otherwise, your value is dependent on others, and that can easily be taken away.
I dumped my Ex four years ago now, this November. I dumped him because of his toxic behavior as well as his mother’s toxic behavior. He was problematic and demanding. I have a knee injury I need to take care of myself with more. I’m free of a toxic relationship because I realized that I need to be single. I have since gone the way of the single person. You made me realize I can spot toxic better now, seeing many red flags because of my medication. I’m also going to start chaperone dating and if they don’t want that, no date.
Some people are fighting to be single, am fighting to be in a relationship, share my life with somebody.
I’d rather stay single. Just because boys are trouble makers.