Silence is a NO. An unanswered question is a no. A changed subject is a no. And no always means no. This is not an invitation to start working on it to eventually get to a yes. No means no.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but most likely it is that woman who is not aware of herself, nor of her own behavior. Perhaps, you still haven’t learned how to respect people’s boundaries, or you still feel insecure when other people don’t give to you. Perhaps you are offended by not being included, annoyed they didn’t give you the green light, anxious that they never invited you, so you keep trying to clarify their silence. Maybe they forgot about me? A gentle reminder that I still expect an invitation can’t hurt, right? A simple nudge, hey can I have a key to your home, can I borrow your favorite item, can I go with you on vacation, can I come to this meeting?
Many women profess to be conscious and self-aware. However, consciousness begins with the self. You first develop awareness of your inner self, all your failings, your neediness, your void. That awareness helps you understand what still needs to be filled by you.
So, an inability to accept silence as a No, shows a lack of awareness of your own neediness or insecurity. Somehow that silence or non-communication leads you to push and prod and make other people feel uncomfortable until they let you in. Are you aware that other people are silent because they don’t want to hurt your feelings? And now that you pushed your way in, how do you think they feel about you? If you are aware, you should be able to answer this question.
What’s the harm? You just turned off a potential friend, a man who may have been interested in you, or a coworker. You just signaled that person to put their guard up, and the higher their guard, the more you will have a problem with it.
Silence is a no. Can’t accept that? Here’s an example you might understand. Have you ever been in a situation with a man who was pushing, insisting, crossing boundaries, yet you felt uncomfortable blatantly rejecting him? Maybe he was a coworker or a boss and you didn’t want to cause a scene. Maybe he was a drunk friend looking at you like you could make him feel good. Or a friend’s husband who was highly inappropriate, but you don’t want to lose that friend so you put up with him. Every woman understands how difficult it is to say no sometimes, and every woman knows what it is like to be taken advantage of. We have all heard stories from courtrooms where someone claims “She never said no” and we all understood how hard it is for a victim to prove she has been violated anyway.
When you refuse to take silence as a no, you are violating friends, men, coworkers. You are ignoring silence because it makes you feel dissatisfied. But getting to yes without someone’s interest is a violation of their personal space, boundaries, emotional or physical. And your interpreting silence to imply that you are invited, included, wanted, needed, is a huge red flag to people. They might reluctantly let you in, but you just gave them a good reason not to like you.
What should you do instead? Process your dissatisfaction, your anxiety, your discomfort. Your feelings are entirely on you. People are not being mean, they are protecting themselves.
We all love to blame men who don’t want to give you the relationship you thought you should get. But, when you start pushing a situation forward, and he is just going through the motions without actively communicating his interest, he is probably not interested. The more you lead him to where you want the relationship to go, the less he seems to engage. “What can I do to get him to communicate, engage, want me”? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. You actually can’t get people to like you or want you. That’s manipulation. You have to leave it to them to decide, because this is entirely their decision.
But there are harsher consequences to forcing relationships with men, than with girlfriends. Men are capable of still using you, while your girlfriends are more likely to stay silent and detach. Men view your inviting yourself to their house, inviting yourself to dinner as you offering yourself to them on a silver platter. They see your forward movements as you giving yourself away for free. Most men think “if it’s free it’s for me”, and why wouldn’t they take what you are offering? You invited yourself over when he never invited you. Who’s going to pay the price for refusing to accept silence? You. All the pain of that consequence will be on you.
People who reject you are not mean, they are not bad. They are protecting their boundaries. It is your perception that is off. If you can’t recognize people’s right to put up a wall, to stay silent or disengage, you’re the one with the problem.
But what if they said yes? What if your persistence made them feel so uncomfortable that they said yes just to keep the peace. Is that better for you? If you are non-conscious and not self-aware, you might say yes, because any yes is better than rejection. You probably don’t care they feel uncomfortable. “Who cares if they didn’t invite me, I scored a seat at their table. ” That’s how inconsiderate, selfish people think.
If your persistence eventually leads to that invitation or to a reluctant yes, what kind of a relationship are you getting from that person who never said yes? I guarantee that you will eventually squeeze the life out of that relationship.
If the pain or silent rejection is yours to feel, then it is your responsibility to heal. Silent people are not the problem. Your refusal to take silence or non-engagement as an answer is. You are basically taking non-consensual situations and barging into people’s lives, work projects and romantic relationships, and wondering what is wrong with people when they eventually put up an impenetrable wall.
Have you ever walked past a beggar on the street? In my city, there are many. There are beggars who are grateful and will bless you for any gift you give them. Giving to them feels good. And then there are beggars who will harass you, curse you, scream obscenities and follow you down the street. Which beggar will you open your wallet to? The one who is harassing, demanding, and refusing to take no for an answer is the one people run away from. I don’t blame them.
But the same token, when you refuse to allow people their silence, and when you refuse to acknowledge that they feel uncomfortable with your forward moves, you are going to lose a lot of friends, lovers and job opportunities.
You claim you want genuine relationships. But you are not allowing people to express themselves nor how they feel about you. Silence may be exactly how they feel. No, may be a very accurate description of their boundaries. You are ignoring genuine expressions and twisting their arms into compliance is you refusing what is genuine and demanding they accommodate your delusion. What do you get when you succeed in getting that reluctant invitation? A reluctant participant who actually never wanted you in their space. Let’s see how long that relationship lasts.
I repeat. Silence is a No, and No always means No. People are being nice when they don’t acknowledge your request, because if they openly said No your feelings would get hurt and you would blame that on them too. Nobody owes you an invitation, nobody owes you a seat in their meeting, nobody owes you space in their home, and nobody owes you space in their life. Any invitation you manipulate was never an invitation at all, and any relationship you force your way into was never consensual.