The discomfort toxic people feel when you choose your peace, shows them they have no control over you. They were hoping you’d fall for their push and pull, they hoped they could get you to chase, but you didn’t. You switched the power button off. Now who’s in control?
People who are extreme agitators know exactly who they are. Don’t be fooled by their “sincere” apologies later. They tried to agitate you to get a reaction. You were meant to be triggered into chasing, asking “why”, looking for an explanation for their confusing behavior. Please don’t take the bait. As soon as you take a step forward, they will either pull back immediately (if they are diabolical) or welcome you with open arms to talk about it, only to slam the door in your face just as you have submitted.
They are not unaware of what they’re doing. They are intentional antagonists. They are usually the only miserable one in the room, and the less you care, the more they have to create conflict to get you to feel alive.
They seemed so normal when you first met them. You thought you had chemistry. They were mirroring you, showing you it is safe to step forward. Perhaps for a while things went well. That’s because you were giving them what they want: attention, validation, kindness, support. As long as you were feeding them with your energy, they were happy. And then YOU disappointed them. Maybe you turned your attention elsewhere. Maybe you saw through the mask. Maybe you started to feel the inequity of this relationship. Or maybe, you just needed a break. And that’s when their mask cracked.
When toxic people aren’t getting fed, they start to feel very uncomfortable. How will they get your energy back? They actually have no effective relationship skills. Remember, you became open to them and stepped forward into that relationship. They probably didn’t have to do anything to earn you, they just had to act the way you are acting. You entered this situation when they matched your energy, when they mirrored you. You thought you had chemistry. But what is chemistry? It’s that inexplicable, intoxicating, high that makes all people feel something. Chemistry is not based on anything real, it’s just a feeling someone can stir inside you.
And now this person you thought was nice, positive, healthy is stirring the pot trying to bait you back into their life. If you are unhealed, you might mistake this unhealthy tactic as a genuine apology. “But he is trying! This is just his/her way of trying to re-engage with me”. But, if you are emotionally stable and healed, you will see that stirring the pot, creating little conflicts, trying to incite a reaction, or bait you back into their life is a toxic trait. Now is not the time to get emotional and run back with open arms. Now is the time to watch. This is when a person shows you who they truly are.
This is also a good opportunity to observe yourself. How you react to this tells you a lot about whether you are healed, whether you are self-respectful, whether you are emotionally regulated, and whether you are truly self-possessed and in peace.
I always say that the toxic people in our lives serve a greater purpose. They are here to show us who we are. Am I the sort of person who can still be triggered, am I the type who will chase, do I fall apart when someone else controls my emotions? If I do, then I am not healed either. They are my indicators of the work I still have to do on myself.
I personally do not take the bait. I’ve been through that with countless men and friends to learn the hard way, that how other people treat me is proof of who they are. I am good at maintaining my peace while the toxic create a circus. I never participate in their performance. Instead, I watch them helplessly trying to draw me into their show.
When a toxic person sees that you are still, unaffected, they also become painfully aware that you see through them. And that hurts, that really hurts. Because while they are acting out, your stillness bothers them. They see their own performance, but no one in their theater is clapping. The silence is deafening. That’s because that silence is your peace, and it is stronger that their performance.
Now what? They have no game. Without a game to play or people to play with, that toxic person is miserable. Who is giving them feedback about who they truly are? The silence, the emptiness, their own hollow self.
If you are wondering how to get toxic people out of your life, my advice is to never fight them head on. Never “work on the relationship”, because the more you work, the more you give, and the more they feed. Notice how toxic people never get better? They never do any real work on themselves, but they feast when they see you trying. You feed their empty soul with all your work.
To get toxic people out of your life, you first must heal yourself. Unless you are truly a master of your own energy, of your own behavior and your own emotions, they will always have the upper hand, and an open invitation to you. Your relationships with others will never be better until you are better. The universe will always bring you more toxic people to show you where you are still weak and unhealed.
But, toxic people run away from people who see through them, people who cannot be bothered with them. They cannot stand those who stand in their own power while they attempt to take control. They particularly can’t tolerate anyone who points the mirror at them, and forces them to see their own soul. If you can mirror their emptiness, their powerlessness, their imbalance, they will absolutely hate your guts. Without your participation, they have no identity, no self, no energy, no traction, no power over themselves at all.
But your response to their hate is how you know you have truly mastered yourself. Toxic people will create a sh*t show, and try their best to discredit you or control other people’s opinion of you. If they can manage to get other people to see you as the problem, at least they have some control over others. At least somebody believes in their mask. Don’t worry. If you are a weak woman, you might fall apart wondering how you can get others to believe you. But if you are self-mastered, you won’t care. My opinion of myself is solid and I feel good about not letting them cross boundaries, and I feel good about not having the unstable in my life. I’m always proud when I let them go.
When toxic people try to throw mud in my face, I let them. Why? So others can see who is actually throwing the mud. Now everybody’s eyes are open.
If you are trying to improve your relationships with others, your only job is to work on yourself. There is nothing you can do to change others, and you will waste years of your life only to realize you accomplished nothing. Years later, you will still be unhealed, and those pesky others will still be in your life. But, if you grow, strengthen your boundaries, learn to speak up, hold up that mirror to allow them to see their own demons, treat yourself well, there is nothing toxic people can do to you. They’ll move onto an easier target.
You will become unlikable, and you won’t care.