Do You Know How To Be Intimate?

What is intimacy? Have you felt it genuinely? How do we know when we have actual intimacy in a relationship? How often do women think they have intimacy when their partner doesn’t even know what that means?

My theory about why we no longer have relationships is because men and women have lost the ability to deeply connect on a level that can develop into a genuine bond. People simply do not know how to create a bond, instead both genders simply go about applying various techniques to push and prod partners into creating some sort of an irrevocable situation that the other person cannot easily unbind from. When people feel satisfied with the degree of entanglement, they call that a relationship. ‘You can’t leave me because you signed a contract.’ ‘You can’t cheat because I control your money,’ ‘You can’t be friends with the opposite sex because I am uncomfortable therefore you have to stop in order to prolong this connection’.

When I talk to people and ask questions about their relationships, it is absolutely mind blowing about how many men haven’t a clue what genuine intimacy feels like, and how many women who are sure they have it are merely entangled with a partner who is moving along relationship milestones meeting expectations. And because the relationship is moving forward, and both are satisfied with it’s progression, they are confident in their level of intimacy. This is all well and good until the connection falls apart. One partner cannot handle an aspect of this situation, the other has met a more enticing prospect and the situationship dissolves while usually the woman was so sure of the deep intimacy she thinks she experienced. She very well may have felt it, but if you look at our relationship histories as an education, most of what our generation has experienced has been in the post sexual revolution era when intimacy was not even on the menu.

Most members of the Goddess Principles private forum were born in the late 20th century, and the youngest ones in the early 21st century, When we discuss relationships I see that we all started dating after the invention of the birth control pill, that we all read Cosmopolitan magazine, and we were all taught that sex is mainly recreational and that its main purpose is fun. But asking women who have been dating 20, 30 or 40+ years about their actual experiences, they generally express disappointment in the physical performance of their partners, disenchantment with the relationship, even the value of marriage. Apparently, those who were married didn’t feel that the intimacy was genuine, and in general marriage was more of a utility than an emotional bond. It served its purpose to procreate and build a foundation, but it fell apart due to exhaustion, emotional labor, dissatisfying sex and lack of a genuine connection.

When we talk about relationships of previous generations, they really weren’t intimate at all. For both my parents and grandparents marriage was a duty, a contractual obligation, but their foundation was built on intimacy that later turned into work. However, their relationships lasted because neither party could afford to leave, divorce was humiliating, and single women had no place in society. Yet, when I ask people of that generation how they felt about marriage and dating, they all say that dating felt special because just holding hands or stealing that first kiss was the ultimate experience. My grandmother used to gush how she felt when she first laid eyes on my grandfather. My mom also remembers her earliest dating experiences with dad fondly. They would talk until 2 am, she would run to pick up the phone, they would go out on actual dates that felt special. She describes those experiences as if they were ultimate. Dating was something special people used to look forward to. Sure, mom’s and grandma’s marriages turned into labor and draining emotional work. Despite that, each woman remembers dating and developing intimacy with great fondness. It was an actual thrill to fall in love, and everything about the process was a discovery about the other person.

So where did we go wrong? Why are we so dissatisfied with dating and meeting people today? From my personal perspective, I stopped dating because I felt that the entire experience is toxic. I wanted nothing to do with meeting strangers, the process of getting to know someone, talking via emoji, digital mind games, stroking the egos of infantile men, the usual harassment, gaslighting, social media exposure, and dealing with people who don’t have a connection to themselves, so how the hell could they bond to another person? Many men revealed they are into porn, It is not unusual for a woman to hear about a person’s sexual fantasies on the first date, receive dick pics before exchanging phone numbers, and be presented with a list of fetishes before the check arrives. Dating has turned into a marketplace of sexual fetishes, tolerance of perversions, digital abuse. Dealing with men who are hell bent on proving to the whole world they can score you but are not willing to do anything to actually talk is absolutely disgusting. I never judge anyone who drops out of the dating game. I always think highly and have more respect for women who want nothing to do with that.

It’s not that people today don’t want to have intimacy, it’s that we don’t even know what that is. Most people have never experienced genuine closeness, instead they have experienced contractual bondage and manipulation into never leaving. Sure, most of us have met partners of low emotional intelligence who can’t describe their feelings in more than two syllables. They truly don’t know how they feel, instead they act out like a child when an emotion makes them feel like stomping their foot or punching a hole in the wall to express dissatisfaction.

But also media and culture have taught us that dating is about casual sex, that it should be easily accessible, that it should be fun or at least that we should all act like hooking up is so fulfilling. At least that’s what a hook up looks like on TV. But when I speak with actual women, they describe everything from STDs, violence, degradation, gaslighting, feeling like trash. Is sex today really special? Nope. One of the reasons I dropped out of dating is that it sex is not worth the effort. And a modern relationship isn’t worth the effort either. How would anyone relate to an mental midget?

We are a generation raised on ’12 Proven Techniques on How to Drive Him Wild in Bed’, ‘Dating for Dummies’ and “Sex in the City’. Like automatons we go through situationships pushing buttons of random partners trying to figure out what will make them tick. Nothing works, she still won’t put out on the third date? Nothing is wrong with his manhood, she must be traded in for a more responsive model. Watch him run through his roster to see which candidate is the most likely to show up at his apartment at 1 am. That nameless candidate more qualified than the one who won’t say yes.

Relationships have de-evolved below the level of humanity. Even animals put more thought and effort into attracting a partner than we do. Even animals are more selective, yes even animals have higher standards of who they will interact with. Some people are so incapable of emotion and bonding that they resort to pushing buttons and turning cogs to see if they can get a better outcome out of human interaction. Intimacy? What is that?

How the f*ck can people build intimacy when they are meeting each other online? Every incel and dolt has a winning profile, a catchy caption and hundreds of social media pics to prove they really are whoever they claim. If you are smart it takes one date to see through the facade, if you’re stupid you might catch and STD before you find out your dream man is an unemployed hobo who just needs to crash for the night. We are incapable of building intimacy because the tools we are given like dating apps, social media profiles, filters, AI, privacy services cover up who we really are, and display only what we want potential suitors to see. Are we real? If we think its OK to smooth out a wrinkle and take 10 lbs off our figure with a filter, why are we so surprised when he pays someone to delete a felony or lists a fake job on LinkedIn?

Most people today have no clue if they have an actual bond with someone, instead they have to ask. A bond feels warm and fuzzy to me, yet a bond feels mind numbing to you, so we have to check in with each other. When I ask people to explain how to bond with someone, they list me a bunch of techniques. Really? We now need to develop effective communication strategies to understand when we actually have a bond with a human being? No wonder your relationship didn’t last, you forgot to schedule periodic check ins with your partner to find out where they’re at in this situation?

We don’t have intimacy because we don’t even know who the other person is before we start working on them. Don’t believe me? I recently quizzed a dozen of my friends whom I have known for 10 years. Only one knew my last name. Only one knew my full given name. My FB name is just a screen name. Can I claim that I have a true friend among people who claim to be devoted and loyal to me, some even say they love me, but they don’t know my real name. Should we call this intimate, or a genuine bond? Why not, we have drinks every Friday.

I remember years ago, that some good friends of mine were trying to save their marriage so they went into counseling. Of course part of the program was to build intimacy with each other because apparently they forgot to do that before they procreated. Within a year she had a prescription to 1) make her headaches go away and 2) a drug to calm her nerves so that she doesn’t express so much anger and instability toward him. He on the other hand got referred to a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. What it took for these two to stay married are some tranquilizers and mental help. This made me realize, if it takes a prescription and horse tranquilizers to numb our senses and tolerate each other, why are we together? If the goal is to stretch the time span, and stay married as long as humanly possible, at least as long as our parents were married (because love is only real if you can make it past a milestone) then how is this a genuine relationship or true love? What are we doing? Even a marriage counselor could not eek intimacy out of them so they resorted to chemical inducement of what vaguely resembles a connection. Congratulations, you are married for 20 years!

The whole relationship thing is F*ed up. None of us know what intimacy is because since I was born, sex has been a sport and a score. Dates are a way to measure our validity as human beings, Women were raised on this idiotic belief that marriage was the ultimate reward only to feel duped years later when they realize no aspect of marriage added up to a sense of accomplishment nor validation.

I vote for a long time-out from all relationships. The more people I meet who have stopped dating, and started exploring themselves, the more satisfaction I see when people find intimacy within themselves. That is not to say that eventually we won’t find intimacy in relationships again, but no one can learn what that is, until they are able to emotionally connect to themselves. If you have a soul and are capable of emoting, you will get there. I guarantee that you will find intimacy. And if you are dead inside, vacant or empty, you will find creative ways to transact with people of equal emotional intelligence. It is our dating culture that has tricked us into speed dating, relationship algorithms, digital profiles and social media scoring that has turned all of us into relationship dolts. I want no intimacy from strangers, I’m feeling healthier than ever since I cut off access to random, unqualified men.

Perhaps if we take a long break from dating, we will become more genuine people. We might find other things to do besides angling for casual sex or a a fetish to help us scratch an itch. Some of us will connect to nature, pick up a hobby, learn to speak to people in full sentences. I suggest taking a course in social graces and learning how to speak respectfully to a human being. I recommend therapy for both men and women. We have all experienced traumas simply from dealing with each other in transactional, impersonal, methodical short texts designed to elicit a response and we have forgotten how to read eyes, how to feel emotions, how to understand our own value. We are too busy asking people what they bring to the table, without realizing we may be just a crumb that has no business being on a clean table. I find that with out society’s current level of emotional intelligence most people have no business being in a relationship at all. If that’s you, that’s fine. Relating may not be for you at all. Go be in a transactional situation or a contractual obligation if that floats your boat. You’ll never know what’s right for you if you don’t know how to be intimate with your own heart and mind.

S