How do we attract unhealthy, incomplete, disrespectful men? What signal are we sending them to let them know we are their unhealthy match?

There’s the obvious answer- we too are incomplete and lack full respect for ourselves. But, there’s more to this than the obvious. In the past, I have said that these unhealthy relationships serve a purpose- they educate us about who we truly are, and push us to keep trying to honor ourselves. A relationship, good or bad, is never about the other person, it is about who am I now in relation to this situation, can I now make better choices for myself, how can I honor my self and my inner voice more?

We attract unhealthy relationships when we are disconnected from our true self, and when we are using another person as a substitute for finding happiness within. We all know people who cannot be happy or complete, unless the other completes them or unless the other strives to make them happy. Those relationships are obviously doomed. But sometimes, we aren’t conscious that we lack a connection to our true self. It isn’t obvious that we are not devoted to our self, until the other person triggers us to make a choice that dishonors us, and honors him (or her) instead. That moment when we choose the other over our inner truth, or over our true self, is the moment we have dishonored the Goddess within. That is exactly when we fall off our pedestal and become a slave to  the relationship.

This is why it is extremely important to always be working on ourselves. There is never really a time when we are finished, when we have shaped ourselves into an ideal self, and can rest knowing that we are now ready for our perfect counterpart. None of us ever reach perfection nor completion. The world is constantly changing, so are life’s circumstances, and the minute we stop working on ourselves someone comes along to show us how we are slacking.

Often women stop working on their inner self, when there is a new relationship to focus on. Somehow, this relationship becomes a goal, and they shift focus from within to another person. But, by shifting our energy from ourselves to someone else, we send a signal to the other person that we are emotionally ready to give, give, give attention. We are demonstrating that he has all our attention, that he is more important than our connection to ourselves, we pour our energy into him or chasing the relationship, long before he has proven himself as worthy. This is the signal an unhealthy man needs from a woman- I will give you, I will honor you, I will earn you, I will chase you, you are more important to me than my self-respect. Her shift in focus from herself to him is that signal, “I am your toxic match”. He is looking for energy, and she is up and ready to pour it into him.

When you are disconnected from your inner goddess, and you are out there dating and relating, you are only going to attract those harsh lessons and relationships that are meant to guide you back to yourself. Have you noticed that after every crash and burn relationship, after the pain has subsided, there is always that period of rediscovery, realignment, reconnecting to the self? For some women it is very brief, they feel empowered finding new meaning to life, and then they question their singleness and start chasing relationships again. And for other women, they relish that heightened connection, and seek more time with themselves because there is power in that realignment with the self.

Those bad relationships are not going to last, they are just indicators that you have to get back into yourself and keep learning. These relationships are showing you that you are neglecting yourself. You have transferred your power to the relationship. You have dishonored yourself. Keep learning girl.

When you refuse to protect your energy, to make yourself important, when you refuse to choose your honor, when you refuse to focus on your health and your self-respect, the world will push you around to show you exactly where your weaknesses lie. Bad men don’t eat good girls for lunch, men have very little power compared to wise women and Goddesses. Women who refuse to make their inner self a top priority are like a ball being kicked around a soccer field. Their focus is on who is pushing them around now, instead of who is on the inside.

Why was my divorce such a powerful experience? Because it forced me back to myself. In my marriage, I was more respectful of my ex than I was of myself, I was more giving to him than to me, and the relationship was a priority. After separation, I became my top priority and started giving myself everything I always wanted. I started to make all my own wishes come true. I became a hedonist, I started to enjoy life like never before. And once I started honoring myself, and get comfortable with being selfish, I started to feel very powerful.

What are some signs that you might be disconnected from yourself?  You know something is imbalanced when there is no peace within you without a relationship, or if you are in one, managing the relationship is more important than managing your inner self. Somehow you believe that if you negotiate, communicate, acquiesce, compromise more, you will feel better within the relationship. You won’t, you will only feel more peaceful if you realign with yourself. Another sign is that you are obsessing over a man or a relationship. An obsession is an addiction. An addiction is a deep focus on something outside yourself. When you feel hungry for a man or a relationship it is because there is an emptiness within.

These bad connections with men, family and friends, are simply your indicators that something is wrong within you. These bad connections are not meant to stay in your life, so please don’t focus on keeping them. Instead, look for repeating patters, what toxic situations these people keep bringing to your doorstep, then understand that what needs to change is you and your way of dealing with them. If you constantly keep dealing with selfish people’s demands by sacrificing yourself for their benefit, and waiting for a reward of loyalty or commitment, you are the problem. Stop sacrificing yourself for other people.

You will continue to attract unhealthy people and unsatisfying relationships as long as you refuse to fix yourself. And you will see results and soon as you figure out that you should be choosing you.

I used to be a very bad communicator, I worried that I would hurt people’s feelings, disappoint them, be accused of being mean, so I rarely stood up for myself and expressed my true feelings, instead I bottled them up inside. That turned me into a pressure cooker of anxiety and panic attacks, which would often explode in uncontrollable anger and truly inflict pain on people. I couldn’t effectively communicate to tell them how their behavior was dishonoring me, so I would wait until the explosion shattered them to pieces, then feel bad that I inflicted more pain than necessary. The more I bottled up my feelings and refused to speak my truth, the more I kept attracting people who made me angry but also triggered me into keeping my mouth shut.

I recently traveled with a person who was an energy vampire. At first she was nice, but after a while I noticed that she was making attempts to manipulate me into giving her sympathy, when that didn’t work, she tried kissing my ass, when that didn’t work she pulled stunts to get attention, etc. Finally she asked, what will it take for me to earn your friendship? Don’t you feel sorry for me? I said openly and honestly “No, I will not be your friend. I see that you are unhealthy, and I don’t want to be sucked into a relationship with you”.  I didn’t feel guilty for finally speaking my truth, and choosing to honor myself than coddle her feelings. This is how I chose myself. It felt really good to speak clearly, inoffensively and close that door firmly.

I noticed that once I started communicating more directly and more honestly with people, they started to respect me and my time more. The more you honor yourself, the more others will honor you, and the more those pesky relationships will become a thing of the past.

Once you start to bypass those difficult and uncomfortable relationships, you start to see through people because once upon a time you were just like them.  They are an old lesson learned, you don’t need to stick your finger into their toxic soup to know their acid burns.

However, if you are finding yourself sucked into bad connections over and over again, then the pull is simply a lesson left unlearned. Your umbilical cord to that toxic situation was never cut, that’s why you feel that relationship so deeply, so strongly, it is like you are drawn to it like a moth to a flame. This is why people go through multiple marriages repeating the same cycle over and over again, they are with a different partner in that same exact pattern. They don’t see how they have laid out the pattern themselves. These cycles never end until you roll up your sleeves and start to do the work on your inner self, not on external relationships.

Unfortunately, effective change usually happens when people are worn out, they are tired and have given up. What happens when they give up trying to fix bad people, and bad relationships? There’s nothing left to focus on outside themselves, so they go within, often against their own will. They fall into depression, they become disenchanted with relationships, they face their inner demons, they have nothing left to face but their inner self.

Hindus and Buddhists believe that depression serves a deep spiritual purpose. It is a lifelong habit of refusing to address the self, triggered by an event or incident that sends us into an deep abyss, a darkness that we have to walk through until we shed the ego, face our inner demons, find acceptance, find peace. It is a natural part of life, but also the most painful period anyone could experience facing themselves. Only the strong survive, and only those who have done the inner work will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those who walk out of that darkness (without drugs, having worked on themselves) feel more powerful than ever, when they finally surface. They have found their true self and accepted it, flaws and all. There is no more powerful experience than facing your true self, realizing who you were meant to be all along.

Having been through it, and having found my way out of that darkness all by myself, I can truly say that I am grateful for the experience, and that I am much more powerful as a result. I will write about it more later, it has taken me a couple of years to truly process that period and see how it shaped me.

But, if you are wondering what signal you are sending to unhealthy men that attracts them to you, it is your easy shift in focus away from yourself into them. Women are trained to give energy to everybody on demand. We pay attention to whoever is trying to get our attention, good or bad. We pay attention and give energy to men, even when we have no personal interest in that man.  If your energy flows to any random man simply because he is asking for it, you have a problem staying focused on yourself.

If I can get you to drop working on yourself, compromise your beliefs, and start paying attention to me just by offering you dinner or a drink, you’re too easy. You just dropped yourself in exchange for a date. Work on yourself. A date should be of no value at all, what is of true value is a man who has done as much inner work on himself and evolved as far as you have. The only way you can recognize him is to always be aware of yourself. When your focus is on your energy, you will easily spot people who are a match to your energy. When your focus is on your peace, you will easily notice whether his inner peace matches your own. You won’t fall so easily for a mere distraction, you will know when the offer is real.

S

Karma. Many people hope and pray that karma will bite someone else in the ass, as revenge for pain they have suffered at the hands of other people. Karma is not punishment. Karma will not discipline your ex for breaking up with you. Karma will not hurt anyone other than you. Karma is your own, it belongs to only you. Therefore, it is 100% up to you to deal with and clear your own karma. You cannot inflict karma onto other people.

What is karma? Karma is just an energy of our own beliefs, perceptions, judgments, feelings, and limitations. Karma can be positive when we let go of our judgments, tweak our perceptions, forgive those who have hurt us, work on our feelings, change beliefs that don’t serve us, and move on. This is the process of clearing our own karmic debt. It is work that we do on ourselves for a lifetime. It doesn’t matter how you work on it, with the help of a psychologist, priest, spiritual advisor, or alone. What matters is that you accept responsibility for your own karma, and know that it is solely up to you whether and how you want to clear it.

Karma can also be negative. When we hang onto anger, guilt, shame, judgment, fear, resentment, past issues, we are also hanging onto negative energy. That negative energy is ours, 100%. A lot of people are resistant to admitting that bad energy is theirs, and spend lifetimes hating and judging other people. They perceive the problem as outside of themselves. In thinking that it is the other person’s fault, they are failing to release anger and any negative energy associated with their past, and they carry that karmic debt, their negative emotions with them throughout their lives. Eventually that karmic debt grows and compounds like interest on a credit card. They now carry the burden of negative karmic energy of a lifetime of unresolved issues, anger and emotions.

Regardless of your spiritual or non-spiritual background, you have to deal with unresolved issues, false beliefs, and your own bad energy. In eastern philosophies, those negative energies, compounded over many years will cause physical and emotional illness. In the west, we see them as emotional and psychological problems, that again, should be dealt with, not inflicted on other people.

But karma cannot punish your ex boyfriend. If your ex has cleared his own energies, beliefs and issues, then his beliefs about love and healthy relationships will only benefit him. He will go on to find someone who suits him better. He will enjoy his dating life. Karma can only bring you more of what You believe to be true for yourself. Think of karma like a magnet. It will match you up to exactly those things you believe in, and repeat situations over and over again, because you have not resolved them within yourself.

If you are wondering, why am I always being cheated on? Why am I always dating crazy men? Why am I always clashing with people in my work environment or getting fired? Why am I always experiencing repeated financial loss? Why is my body always in pain? Why is my family always against me? Those answers lie within you. Any situation that repeats itself is your clue as to what is going on within you, what issues and feelings you have got to resolve, and always, forgive, forgive, forgive. Forgiveness is the release of any burdens you have carried with you from the past.

Have you ever heard of stories of people forgiving their oppressor? That mother who forgave her daughter’s killer then paid for his education, that rape victim who forgave, that atrocity survivor who realized she doesn’t want to live like a victim for the rest of her life, and went on to help others heal and forgive. Those are people who released their emotional burdens and cleared their own karma. The reason they were later able to live positive and healthy lives is because they found a way to forgive and release, then replace those negative feelings of anger, fear, judgment with positive ones of love, understanding, and peace.

Karma is your own work. No one can clear it for you. You may seek the help of a professional and that is always helpful, But, you must accept the responsibility for your own karmic debt. You can’t expect your therapist to do the work for you, you can’t expect your guru to enlighten you, you can’t expect people in your life to adjust themselves to your state of mind. The work is all on you.

Karma is not punishment from God, the universe, nor whatever philosophy your believe in. Karma is it’s own punishment. If you hold on to negative energy and beliefs, that karma will only hurt you. That karmic pain is not God’s judgment, instead it is your indicator, your mirror, your tool, your signal to change yourself. We all know that living in negative energy feels like hell. That hell is your own creation. You chose to stay stuck on a concept, a situation, or a feeling, and as a result you bring about more of it to yourself. If you have been victimized in any way, without your own work to forgive and let go, you will hang on to that victimhood for years to come. Victimhood then becomes your reality. You are a victim, not because someone did something to you, but because you have chosen to believe in your victimhood, stay in that feeling, and stay in that situation mentally as long as you want.

When we attach ourselves to certain discordant energies and beliefs, hold onto them, refuse to release, they intensify. Have you noticed that emotional pain can increase over time, as you continue to judge, continue to hate, continue to create new beliefs that support your own perception as the victim. Karma is what you bring onto yourself.

The good news is that karma is also what you clear all by yourself. This is why we are taught to forgive. Forgiveness is not saying that the crime doesn’t matter, my pain is not important, it didn’t happen. Forgiveness is not denial. Denial is about ignoring your pain, pretending it didn’t happen. Instead, forgiveness is acceptance, finding peace in the situation, understanding that at your core, you are still that Self you love so much, loving and caring for that Self.  Forgiveness is also releasing the other person from the burden of feeling guilt, shame, and fear of your wrath. I am okay, and you are okay. Whatever happened happened, I find peace, and I free you to find your own peace.

All humans get hurt all the time. We cannot make it through a day without facing the opposition of someone else, a boss, a coworker, a lover or a family member. Understand, that people aren’t against you, and they are not hell-bent on making you miserable. They too are just humans who are trying their best to stay true to themselves, and what you want and need sometimes conflicts with what they want and need. How you react to other people is your own choice. You can react, or you can act. I hold the intention that whenever possible, I will not explode the second someone imposes a restriction on me. Instead, I will hear the restriction, determine how best to achieve what I want without condemning them. How I act is totally my choice.

So, how would you deal with a painful breakup, or an unfair loss of a job? It feels like judgment when someone rejects us or tells us that we are not good enough for them. The important thing is to recognize that we cannot possibly know what is inside their mind, they may not be judging us at all. They may simply be letting us go because they found some other situation that brings them happiness. The judgment we feel is the judgment that we create about ourselves. I must not be good enough, it sure feels awful that I am not good enough. That bad feeling is inside your body, therefore you own it, not someone else. No one can release it but you.

With my last two breakups, I made the conscious decision to break up differently. In the past, I would identify that other person as the wrongdoer. I would blame him for how I feel. I would judge him to be what is wrong with my life, judge him to be flawed, and quickly seek to cut off the problem from my life. I would swiftly dump the person, then wallow in what was wrong with the relationship, specifically, what was wrong with him. I would fester in that wrongness for weeks and months, and find more examples of how all men are wrong, they all have the same flaw, and feel like a victim for always attracting the same person in a different body. Life was happening unfairly to me. It is no wonder then that every new man I met, would bring me the same expectations, the same narcissism, the same conceit, the same self-servingness, the same wrongness. I have been seeing this wrongness in men since college. In fact, what is really funny is that I earned a college degree that helped me develop a deep understanding of narcissists. Is it any wonder that my preoccupation with the mind of the narcissist meets my expectations every time?

So, the last two breakups were very different for me. Instead of finding fault in the other person, I decided to refrain from that. I understood that this relationship and this person aren’t bad, instead, they are not what I am looking for right now. Instead of blaming the other for how I feel, I honored how I feel because my feelings are valid. But, the other person is not at fault for being who they are. They are not flawed, they are simply not what I need right now. There was no blame, no harsh words exchanged. I spent a lot of time thinking of how can I break up with loving kindness, and feel good about it? We can’t feel good unless we do our best to also allow the other person to feel good too. Neither of us is the bad guy, we are not committing an evil act by removing ourselves from an unwanted situation. ‘I wish you peace, I wish you happiness, I wish you a good life, I wish you much more love than I could ever give you, I wish you a much kinder, more loving, caring person than I could ever be to you. You deserve it.’

How do those last words feel? Sure, there is a feeling of discomfort or sadness in every good-bye. But, ponder for a second what it feels like to break up with love in your heart for the other person, and to sincerely wish them their best life? Is there anything negative or resentment to hold onto in this situation?  In fact, with both men, I accidentally ran into them years later. Each time my words were: ‘I see you are doing very well. You look happy, Life must be treating you well.’ None of my words are fake, I am not acting. I truly believe in their ability to find success, love and happiness in their lives. They are awesome men, quite a catch for some lucky lady. Why not make people feel good about themselves?

But how do I feel about those breakups? Sure, every good-bye feels a little sad. But, the important thing is that I no longer hold resentment for people who I broke up with. They didn’t do anything wrong, there is no wrongness in a breakup. All healthy humans choose the best possible situation for themselves. It is a sign of self-respect. I feel like a woman who always does right by herself. I stand in my own certainty that I am my own creation, that I deserve the best possible situation for myself.

What is my karma now? My love life sure feels different than before. I no longer carry the burden of negativity from past relationships. I forgave everyone because I saw the positive from walking away. Each ending brought on a new beginning. That new beginning was always a new version of me, smarter, kinder, more evolved. Isn’t that what we all strive to be? How do I know that I have released bad karma or that I have released my karmic debt? I see that I no longer attract repeating situations. Instead, I am finding myself in new, fresh situations. Karma will always bring you whatever needs to be resolved. It is never 100% released. As we release old karma, we create new karma, One energy gets released, and we develop a new belief system, a new feeling about a new subject. As long as that new belief or feeling serves us, it feels positive. As soon as it no longer serves us, it starts to feel negative. That is our signal to check our belief system.

As we grow, our belief systems must change. Change is uncomfortable unless you embrace it. Does it serve you to still believe in pain and the awfulness of situations from the past? No. We must adjust to our new reality because we have worked to create that new reality. Therefore, with each change, and each new situation, we have a choice about what we believe to be true, and how we relate to anything that opposes us.

Karma is not punishment for those things done to you by other people. Karma is a very important tool to help you deal with your own life’s path. It is an indicator that shows you whether you are doing right by yourself, or whether you are hurting yourself. If you don’t release your own negative energies and bottled up feelings, then karma can only hurt you. Those negative feelings of anger, rage, jealousy grow within you like hot air in a pressure cooker. If it is not released, it will explode. Do you want to go through life feeling like a pressure cooker? I guarantee when your pressure cooker explodes, it will affect everyone else in it’s surroundings. But worst of all, you will hurt yourself. That is your karma.

Karma can feel like justice. It feels like justice when we are self-aware and understand how we are feeling about a situation, and how those beliefs have brought us into this circumstance. I understand that my preoccupation and frustration with narcissism has brought many friends and lovers into my life who were in fact, narcissists. I earned that. I clear that every day, so that I can clear my karmic debt. Karma can also feel like great injustice. It feels unjust when we lack awareness of our Self, and how that personal belief has brought us the pain we now experience. We bring onto ourselves that which we are. Whether it feels just or unjust is simply our awareness of essence or our karmic burdens and the actions we have taken as a result of those beliefs. Some of us choose not to recognize our own role in our own life.

Learn to transmute energy. You can’t magically turn anger into love. But you can release anger and judgment, let it go, like letting steam out of your pressure cooker. Once enough pressure has been released, there is now plenty of empty space to fill with positive energy. Karma is your own energy. If your creative energy is not bringing the best possible outcomes in your own life, it is because you aren’t actively participating in managing that energy, releasing, letting go, moving on. Life can get better, and better and better, but you have to create space for the better situations by releasing old ones. Karma is the essence of you.

S

Success. Do you envision success as something that you will eventually enjoy in the future once you have reached an income level, a professional title, a milestone? Many people who seek success in life do so through struggle, through force, through toil, for them that path to success does not feel good. Many believe that it is a long and arduous journey of blood, sweat and tears, and that eventually at some later date, they will enjoy the fruits of their labor. It may seem so because we all follow that same blueprint: school, degrees, qualifications, practice, experience, rising income levels, savings, promotions, setbacks, more work, more promotions. So, when do we actually feel successful? Later?

I used to know a very successful man, I was married to him. He was probably the most successful person I know, because he became successful at 22, on his first entry level job, when his starting salary in 1995 was $20,000/year. He taught me that you have to have the success mindset before you actually become successful. You all have heard this theory, that you have to feel it before you can be it. It sounds wishy-washy to most of us, but having been married to him for 15 years, I witnessed him promise himself he will be the youngest employee to earn $100K within 6 months, and actually do it, own a BMW within 6 months that he pays for in cash, and he actually did it, become a VP before 30, manage his first merger, earn a million before 35 and he actually did all those things. How did he do it? Hard work? Nope. He never worked hard. I was his office-mate, I worked much harder than he did, put in more hours, was nicer to clients, did more to impress the boss, yet he always received letters of gratitude from clients, customers would send him expensive gifts, he won office contests, got free vacations, etc. He never believed in any wishy-washy theories about success, but he did practice success. When I asked him, how did you do it, he would always claim I practice success every day. What does that mean?

At 22, he just graduated from college with no work experience and everybody already knew he was the most successful new hire in the office. He lived, breathed, embraced success. Though his job was entry level, he was already projecting qualities of a manager. He studied what skills a manager must possess and then practiced those skills every day in the office. He studies what goals our bosses had to meet, and then he exceeded their goals. I feel successful, I know I am successful, I am success.

Looking back, I now understand his mindset because today I practice the same. I AM. He never, ever, ever allowed the possibility of “what if I don’t succeed”. He never allowed doubt, he never allowed my questioning his ability- he would NEVER acknowledge my nay-sayings. Even when shit hit the fan in our office and many people were getting laid off, he never entertained the possibility that this could happen to him. I guess this is what you call single mindedness, focus, certainty, trust in yourself.

Also, he enjoyed his success even when no one could see his success. Yes, he was proud of his $20K salary. I wasn’t, I was annoyed they didn’t offer us more. But he was very proud, and he enjoyed his salary like it was huge. He practiced shopping. He spent weekly lunch hours at the BMW dealership talking to sales people as if he could afford that car. He knew exactly what it would take to earn it, he calculated the numbers he had to achieve, and acted as if it is a piece of cake. That car was already his. I had my doubts about him, is this guy for real? But he was so grateful and so proud of the little he was earning, that he talked about his success when no one else could see it. I used to be embarrassed for him. He acted like a fool. He would even talk to all the executives in our office about the car he was planning to buy as if he could actually afford it. The car was in his driveway 6 month after he got hired, and yes it was fully paid for in cash.

One day he told me “Your problem is that you know what could go wrong, while I only know what could go right”. I was offended, but it was true. We worked in banking, and all I could see are deals falling apart, closings canceled, time running out to meet our goals, stress, stress, stress. I knew I was smarter than him, had a better degree, I was much more diligent, but yes, all I could focus on are those things that could go wrong- and they often did. Some of our clients were facing bankruptcy and foreclosure, and I carried all their emotional burdens on my own back.

When I asked my ex, don’t you feel sorry for the clients you can’t help? He said no, I only feel happy for the people I can help, think how lucky they are to have me help them reach their financial goals? Those clients would write him letters of gratitude, call our manager to tell him what an awesome employee he was, refer more business to him.

He could see success in every situation, even when the entire industry was crashing, there was still a lot to feel proud of, and a lot to feel successful about. It took me 20 years to reach the same mindset, but it definitely came with a struggle to remove all my mental blocks.

It was much easier for me to feel successful about other things. I learned how to feel unconditional with love years ago, how to be unconditional about inner peace, how to be unconditional about my self, and once I learned how to never consider the possibility of hardship or failure (hard to do when you have anxiety and panic attacks), I saw success just pour in for me. I meditate to clear my obstacles, and reset my mind. It helps a lot. But once I stopped allowing any other possibilities to come into my awareness, the money just started to pour in. I lost everything I own 10 years ago, and spent many years in anxiety worried whether I would ever earn it all back. That worry was my self-doubt that was getting in the way.

I never actually realized how quickly I regained all the money I lost, how few years it took me to earn much, much more, how many impressive titles I’ve been promoted to since then, how easily money comes to me now, because I stayed focused on the financial disaster of 10 years ago. I swept all my successes under the rug, and allowed that past disaster to become me.  It was my identity, and that belief that I am that past misfortune was my one and only obstacle. I am sorry I believed it.

I no longer worry about anything. Instead I only feel success. But I had to realize that I already am successful and appreciate it. It never occurred to me that when 18 months ago I decided to take 2 years off from work to travel that was proof of success. Not many people can afford to do it, I should be proud of it. Now I am appreciating all those trappings of success I never acknowledged, but always had. They truly are meaningful if you take the time to be grateful. There is no meaning in buying a mansion, unless you know how to be grateful for your mansion. There is no meaning in buying a diamond tiara, unless you know how to be absolutely proud of your tiara. It will look ridiculous, unless you know you truly deserve it. There is no meaning to money. It is just paper, But you give it meaning with how you feel about it. It could be paper, but it could also be pride, accomplishment, charity, noble deeds, helping others- it is whatever meaning you assign to it.

Sometimes it is those people who have hurt you the most that teach you the best lessons. That ex husband is long gone, an old memory I never think of. But, to this day I realize that this person handed me the blueprint to success. I never knew that success is about how I feel about myself and my own abilities. That’s not a lesson you learn in school. It should be.

Do you realize that you already are who you intended to be? We all have much, much more than we acknowledge. Look around you. Some of you ladies went to the best schools in the world, some of you have crisscrossed the world multiple times, many of you are community leaders, CEOs, entertainers, stars. Buy something nice for yourself that feels like success. Wear something that shows pride in who you are right now, not who you will be later. I am a doctor, I am an attorney, I am a VP, I am a CEO, I am a celebrity, I am a leader. I AM.

S

You are working on yourself, investing in your inner being, developing a sense of purpose and a strong identity. Everything is going well, except you cannot seem to reach that thing you want most. That job is in a far off city, that man is married, the bank won’t qualify you for that new home. What is happening when you are growing, expanding, creating peace within, but everything around you seems to be saying No? I know I am bigger, better, wiser, but those things I am striving for always seem out of my reach. I often get asked by women, “I know I have put in the work on myself, I just traveled around the world in 80 days and competed my MBA at the same time, but that job I want, and that man I want are nowhere to be seen”.

Well, what’s happening on your inside? What are you fixated upon, what are you attached to, what situations, people, or beliefs are you refusing to let go of? That powerful job you always wanted won’t be yours if your roots are firmly planted in your small town, and you are codependently still attached to your mother with an umbilical cord. You won’t leave her. You won’t have that amazing, giving, loving man, if you are attached to feelings of pain of an old lover. You might think that your high flying lifestyle and that new degree make you a match for success and a bigger paycheck, but you are not. You are very much on the level of whatever you are attached to.

We are all attached to something or someone. Many of us are not aware that we are attached to painful situations, that we carry other people’s burdens, that we are stuck on beliefs we acquired in childhood that do not serve us at all. Why are we so surprised when years later, we are still surrounded by same stuff, same people, repeating patterns? We want to race forward, but something is dragging us behind, like an anchor. That anchor is all your attachments.

I have recently been working on my attachments. I wrote about this a few times- the art of non-attachment as a meditational practice, but also a daily practice of not emotionally attaching myself to people, objects of value, old beliefs. I noticed in my meditation that some old ideas are playing like a broken record in my head. These are like background noises that have always been there, that I kept ignoring. Then it dawned on me, these repetitive old thoughts are my attachments. Attachments are just energetic blockages, the obstacles that prevent us from receiving whatever we are reaching for.

Yes, it is very important to cultivate a Self, to practice inner balance, to continuously expand our knowledge of ourselves as we relate to the world, but none of those efforts will guide us down our path if we are anchored into place by attachments.

Here’s an attachment: I always wanted to go back to Europe for a couple of years, but always believed that I can’t because of my elderly parents. Once dad died, that became obvious. I had to back out of a romantic relationship that was leading me back to Europe, and refuse a prestigious job offer for that same reason. That firm belief prevented me from seeing that I could rework both situations, the job offer and the relationship so that I could still have them, but still be able to take care of mom. Imagine my surprise when a couple of years later I found out that the person who got that job commutes between NYC and Geneva. I was attached to my home situation, I believed in my obstacle more than I believed in my belief that I could enjoy this job. I firmly believed I’d have to choose between mom and the job, when nothing could have been further from the truth. There are successful VP’s all over the world who have moms and they still manage to take care of them and get the job done.

What happens when you let go of someone or something you are emotionally attached to? No, you don’t ruin that relationship. You simply liberate yourself from being obligated to them. You become more free to honor yourself and your own needs, and in that freedom you can love and care for other people better. What feels better? Taking care of your mother because you love her, or taking care of an elderly parent because it is an obligation? Love is a much better motivator than an obligation.

When you cut emotional and energetic ties, you don’t lose those people. Instead, you make relationships better, healthier. The other person then has a choice to go down that better path with you, or completely opt out.

Our attachments are our blinders. We can’t see beyond them. It’s no wonder then, that we cannot create beyond our own belief system. Our attachments are more real than those goals and dreams we fantasize about. Doesn’t it make sense to break them?

Usually, when I start cutting cords, breaking out of whatever chains I am attached to, change happens very quickly. All those things that were out of my reach suddenly present themselves to me. I couldn’t see them before, or I perceived opportunities as obstacles.

Whenever I feel stuck, like life is not moving forward, nothing is happening for me, I check my attachments. What am I still attached to? In meditation I can see that nasty thought that keeps popping up in my head. There is something in that thought. It is usually some old, ugly belief I have no use for, but I am still playing that broken record. What are your nightmares about? That should tell you something about the fears you are attached to. A few of my friends know that I had repeating nightmares of car crashes, accidents, road hazards, and how debilitating they were when they actually became reality. This wasn’t just a nightmare, it was a fear in real life. And then, I actually had 2 car accidents that left me even more scared than ever. When I analyzed my fear, I realized that it was at least 10 years old. That fear became a belief system. I believed in it so firmly, that I actually started living it. I was so attached to that fear, that I made all decisions for two years out of fear. No wonder my life wouldn’t budge forward. Yes, at the same time, I was working on some big things in my life, but it wasn’t until I released that fear that things started to progress forward.

If you are not manifesting whatever you want, check what is holding you back? Your helium balloon cannot float upward and reach for the sky, when it is anchored to a weight. Chances are that there is a lot holding you back that you aren’t aware of.

In any given moment, there is a lot holding me back- my entire belief system. I want that guy over there, but this nasty one keeps texting me over and over again. I want that job that feels like freedom, power, and immense success, but I feel an obligation to this tiny project that I have to deliver. I know I can always do better, so why am I still here? Your obstacles are your ‘Yes but’. Yes, I want that job in Europe, but my mom requires care here, I cannot leave her. Yes, I want that man who matches my level of inner development and enlightenment, but I am still obsessing about that ex who made me so angry. Yes, I want to be my own boss, but I have bills to pay so I settle for steadier streams of income. That ‘Yes but’ is your false belief system, your obstacle, and your anchor. Release it.

If you can’t meditate, then consciously change your belief around that situation. That angry ex who is constantly on my mind is holding me back from a healthy new relationship. He is not on my mind because I need him, but because I am stuck on his pain and the injustice he caused me like a broken record. What if I could shift my perspective? We all know we are supposed to forgive, but we can’t truly forgive until we have some sympathy and love for the person who caused the anguish. So, I now see that ex as someone who gave me a new direction in life. His anger and control opened my eyes to what I do not want in my life, so now I am able to select better. His control taught me how to release myself from the grasp of very unhealthy people. I am so much better today thanks to that ex. I actually appreciate that ex now, and speak very highly of him. I changed my story, so my reality shifted. The ex is no longer a painful burden I carry on my shoulders, I tossed that boulder and started sprinting forward. As soon as I did that, dozens of new men came into my life.

We are all constantly working on improving ourselves on an internal level. The speed at which we travel through life, receive what we want, and then get more, depends on how much of a burden we carry with us. What can move faster? That heavy Mack truck designed to carry tons of weight, or that light, weightless sports car that can barely fit a load of groceries?

Lighten your burdens. We are all burdened by something, and it is our job to cut off old ties, say goodbye to people who are holding us back, and open our hands so we can receive more.

S

This scenario is all too familiar for a lot of grown women.  Your friend is in a frustrationship with a douchebag who isn’t stepping up for her. The douche is messaging, trying to get some alone time with you. He knows you two are close, so why would he contact her friend? Why not target a woman not known to her? Why would any male specifically target his partner’s good friend?

Men are insecure, we all know that. My personal theory is that with age women become more confident, while men grow more unsure of themselves. This becomes more apparent at middle age when all humans come in touch with their own mortality, hormonal changes, challenges to the ego, body changes, and loss of attractiveness to the opposite sex. It is a difficult period for both men and women, and we all have to face ourselves in the mirror. A funny thing happens to men at this time. One morning they wake up and look down to notice that their tiny little Jimmy did not rise to greet them. Wtf does this mean? It happens again a few weeks later. He walks into the bathroom, looks down, and there’s more hair than ever on the bathroom floor. The hairline is receding, and months afterward he notices the ladies are no longer chasing, suddenly no one sees him as a catch, girls compare him to dad, and fewer and fewer women are seeking his attention.

It is a difficult time for most men, but emotionally insecure men have a harder time dealing with this. If his manhood was derived from the attention he previously got from the opposite sex, and if that attention is now declining, then where is his manhood? If women aren’t willing to validate him, admire him, or worse, if they now challenge his perception of himself, an aging man can become hostile, bitter, vengeful. We have all seen that aspect of manhood. I could write chapters on this subject, but for the purpose of this post, it is enough to say that when men try to pit two women against each other, target their partner’s friend, or seek the attention of inappropriate women, they are operating from a place of deep insecurity.

As a grown woman I know that any attention he could pay me is a waste of my time, no one wants attention like that. This has happened to me more times than I care to remember, and it has always resulted in the loss of a very good friend. Most women cannot handle the truth, but what happens more often is that the douchebag twists the situation around to cover his ass, making it look like two women are fighting over him, and he gets to pound his fists on his chest, playing the part of a wanted man.

Knowing my friend’s situation, I know that he fails to step up to her level. To be clear, she isn’t seeking commitment from him at all, nor is she angling to get his attention. My friend exceeds him in personal character, career, social standing. She simply wants him to communicate like a grown-up, state what he wants, instead of playing guessing games. She doesn’t see herself getting serious with him at all, she has downgraded him a long time ago to a summer fling.

Has this ever happened to you? If I was a brainless twit, I might be flattered by a douchebag’s attention. But I know he isn’t worth a cheap drink in a plastic cup. Thus far I have ignored his requests to hang out. I simply do not answer his messages. I don’t want to answer him because any attention paid to an attention seeker is still attention, and I want to show him that this door is closed.

This is not the first time this has happened. I have had friends’ husbands contact me during their divorce declaring they are serious about me. What are men thinking? That I would date a friend’s used goods? That their wife’s friend would jump at an opportunity to date a man being disposed? In the past when I have questioned their motives, all men declared that I should see them as an opportunity. And when I have challenged their delusion, they used my disinterest against me by going back to the wife claiming her friend wants him. This sounds like a ridiculous scenario but I have seen it personally at least a dozen times. This topic has come up in the Goddess private forum, and many women have experienced being placed into a triangle with a good friend and a man they absolutely do not want.

So what are men thinking when they seek the attention of their partner’s friend?  I think that men often target friends to make their partner feel insecure, but also to get two women to fight over him, or at least create drama over him. He creates the delusion that two women want him, when in fact neither is taking him seriously. What a way for a man to feel like a man.

Why would this particular douche want my friend to feel insecure? Because he can’t do anything for her except provide a little company that she could easily get from anyone else. Because she has always insisted on an open relationship, as she is serious about finding a more satisfying relationship with someone else. Because she is open and honest, has told him where she stands, and that she isn’t looking for anything more. Is his attempt at triangulation working? I am not falling for it at all. At this age I know that an insecure male can’t do anything for either of us.

But when I was much younger I used to fall in this trap as do many less experienced women. No, I never pursued a friend’s mate. But I was inexperienced enough to engage with the douchebag or narcissist, to communicate my lack of interest. I falsely believed that if I expressed why his attention was wrong, he would understand and back off. This is always a big mistake, because any communication at all will be used against you. The insecure male would always twist the story around, act as if I had initiated something with him, and his partner would get hurt, which is all part of his plan to extract attention from her. And in every case, the douche would then cause drama between two friends and get off on the fact that there are two women causing a ruckus over him which was never the case.

Psychologists call this behavior triangulation. I won’t go into it here, it is a widely known concept used by narcissists and emotional manipulators to make women vie for them. Even when women are too mature to fight over him, he will still extract a little boost for himself, knowing that he at least emotionally wounded one of them. Any display of pain or grief over the situation strokes his ego.

The situation with my friend has not gone that far, but the unwanted attention I have gotten in the past from friends’ spouses and significant others has taught me how to deal with them. These are not men. I call them emotional midgets. We all get insecure sometime, but these people seek to build their manhood from attention they get from women. This can work when he is young, sexually relevant, and a viable candidate. But after a certain age, women stop pursuing men. When men are psychologically healthy, they learn to cope, accept and adapt to their new reality. When men are not healthy, they seek to trigger women into extracting attention from them. Creating competition or conflict between two friends is a sure way to extract a bit of manhood from a situation.

There are thousands of ways that both sexes manipulate each other to validate themselves. Triangulation is just one of them. Unfortunately, many women unwittingly fall for this, and end up serving only his ego. If you are in a situation where you are receiving inappropriate attention from a friend’s partner, understand that you are not dealing with a genuine man. Any attention you get from him is just bait.

If you find yourself triangulated, the worst thing that you can do is engage him in conversation. He wants your engagement, he wants your attention regardless if it is positive or negative. His weak ego feeds off attention, so it doesn’t matter whether you eagerly pursue him or express disgust- he just got your attention. The best thing to do is no engagement at all. Do not answer texts, do not respond to invitations at all.

Whether you tell your friend depends on her level of maturity and her level of emotional involvement with him. That’s your call. But know that a lot of women protect insecure men rather than expose them, and there is a high likelihood she will choose him. She might even choose to protect her own ego rather than face the emotional discomfort of facing the friend her partner pretends to prefer.

Emotional manipulation is a trademark of an unevolved person. This is something children do as they learn to relate and find their place in the world. This is not the level that healthy grownups relate to each other.  Unfortunately, it takes many uncomfortable situations and losses of friendships to learn that this is not a man by any stretch of the imagination. That attention is toxic and accepting it will only harm you. Extract yourself from the situation quietly and without drama. Remember, he is just waiting for the drama to start.  Don’t feed his ego.

S

Do you accept half-assed relationships? Do you accept non-committal, let’s see what happens kind of situations that leave you hanging? Be honest, why do you accept offers of nothing? Why do you go along for the ride? To see what happens? To see if he changes, or offers more of a relationship later? No man has the power to put you in a relationship you don’t want to be in. It is up to you to say yes or no, and only you. If he is dragging, why are you allowing yourself to be dragged? If he is not saying anything, why are you still waiting for him to say something? By waiting, you are becoming passively committed to the wait. You are transferring power to him, so he can decide what he wants.

In reality, men have very little power, we hold most of it. But most women have been lead to believe that they have to patiently wait for his offer, to patiently go along with his flow, so that he can sample different relationships, never feel burdened by your needs, and to always let him decide. Girl, the decision is yours, not his. Only a Goddess knows that right from the start. If you are sick of being taken for a ride, it is totally your responsibility, and within your power to not go on any rides until you know exactly where that ride is going. Would you get into a taxi if you didn’t know where the driver is going?

Dating has become an opportunity for men to take many shiny objects for a ride, and women to patiently wait for him to decide what he wants. This is ridiculous! You already know what you want, so there’s no need to entertain men who don’t know exactly what they want. YOU. Yes, unless he is totally interested in dating you and only you, then he is wasting your time. If his offer is “no pressure, let’s see what happens”, or “let’s hang out”, then he is not expressing interest in only you. He is giving you an opportunity to be in his circle or on his roster. How good is that offer? It’s useless.

You know what kind of a man you want and what kind of a relationship you want already. Admit it, you have a pretty clear idea of what that would look like. A man must demonstrate that he is ready, willing and able to be in that kind of relationship, and only with you, before you begin to give him your company. Plenty of men are willing to do that when they are ready. So don’t give chances or hang out with fuck boys who are not ready, don’t know what they want, who are just hanging out, or have multiple women on their roster. You are not a sample, so don’t give him a sample of your company, nor anything at all until he has clearly committed himself to dating only you. It is very easy to say no thanks to half-assed offers of half-assed relationships. Yes, sometimes you have to say No Thank you to that dream man, who doesn’t see you as his dream woman. Just say no. At the very least, if you don’t get him, he will respect you for not accepting a pile of Nothing.  Her are a few examples of half-assed offers, and how to disengage from them.

Do you want to hang out sometime? “I hang out with platonic friends, so if you want to be just friends, we can hang out.”

My job is stressful, I travel a lot, I just got out of a crazy relationship- means I am not ready for anything. You reply “Sounds like you are going through a very rough time. I’d rather date a man who can fully contribute to a healthy relationship right now.”

I don’t want anything serious right now. “It doesn’t sound like you are ready for anything serious. I date men who are ready for something serious”.

So, can I call you some time? “It depends on what you want. Do you know exactly what you want?” Sure, I’d like to get to know you, and see what happens. “I’ve dated a lot of “let’s see what happens’. Those men usually don’t amount to much”. But, can’t we still get to know each other? “We’ll start getting to know each other once you know exactly what you want with me”.

In all instances, a woman is being offered a half-assed opportunity to hang, to get to know, a hope of some future scenario he isn’t entirely sure of. Now do you see why saying yes to such nonsense gets you taken for a ride, and amounts to nothing? Your responsibility is to determine exactly what he wants, not in general, but what he wants from you. In general, he might want to get married some day. Don’t fall for it, he hasn’t said he would like to marry you. Your responsibility is to know what his current dating status is and if he has other women on his roster. You don’t want to be on anyone’s roster, so you are not going to negotiate anything with him at all. The mistake most women make is they start to negotiate with a man who has no specific interest in just her. You are opening that can of worms all by yourself.

Half-assed relationships go both ways. I know plenty of men who don’t know how they got themselves into relationships with women they didn’t want. It all started with ‘hanging’ and not knowing what he wants, and not being serious. A year later, it is the lack of his own clarity and his own unwillingness to ask uncomfortable questions that gets him onto a path that she has already laid out before him. That’s what we all get from giving time to people who don’t know what they want, and negotiating with people we haven’t determined are right for us.

People who don’t know what they want, people who are not looking for anything serious, people who just want to hang out, people who are sampling the goods, have absolutely no ability to be what someone who is looking for commitment needs them to be. I admit, I am often the one who is non-committal, and only interested in some fun. There’s nothing wrong with wanting fun and non-monogamy. But, I never take people for a ride. I don’t bread-crumb men, I always state 100% honestly where I stand so there’s no confusion later. Often, men want more time than I want to give them. In my attempt to be perfectly clear, I often state “Just so you know, I have no intention of sleeping with you”. I let him decide if he still wants to keep hanging after he has processed that info.

Being taken for a ride goes both ways. You can’t claim men take you for a ride, unless you are willing to get into the car with no clear destination with them.  Accepting half-assed offers from men who are not focused on you but on everyone else, is a sign of a woman who is willing to accept much less than what she wants just for an opportunity to build something with someone, some day. Why would you accept an offer that is deferred to amount to something later?

Your job is not to give chances to men who are merely asking for your time, your job is to not negotiate anything with them at all. Even though I go through periods when I am non-committal, when I am interested in dating, I only date men who 1) I have identified as men I want 2) they have clearly stated that they are interested in dating only me and 3) their idea of a proposed relationship matches what I want.  Yes, I have drastically reduced my dating pool of time wasters, dawdlers, I don’t know what I wanters, wishy washies, and pesky fleas. They are never worth anyone’s consideration at all. Quit talking to them.

But, accepting a half-assed relationship is your own doing. No man can put you in a relationship or a situation you don’t want to be in. You entertained a feeble offer based on hope, a fantasy, a possible future outcome, an offer that was not based on facts, clear intent, proven character, or truth. When we enter situations with people who just want to wait and see what happens, we usually enter the state of waiting.  That is the wrong situation to be in.

S

Magical Thinking: My love is enough. I will love him so much, that I am going to get him to love me.

Both men and women believe that their own desire for the other person makes the connection valid. Both men and women believe that the one-sided desire (that non-reciprocated desire), makes the connection real. Both falsely believe that they can “get” somebody to love them.

What can you “get” from that other person when you love them one-sidedly? You can get them to take whatever you give. You can get them to accept or tolerate your time and your attention. You can get them to revel in your adoration, affection, physical pleasure. You can get them to enjoy the ego-boost you have created for them. You can get them to display your adoration of them, your affection for them, your devotion to them in public. In essence, you are creating an egoic “love”, a narcissistic “love” where you give adoration and devotion to the other, while he simply enjoys it, and displays it for others to see as proof of his validity.

The truth is, that authentic, fully reciprocated love is not about trading affection for love, relationship, or commitment. There is no earning one’s approval, by creating so much love that the other will magically fall in love in equal measure. There is no “getting “ anything. When love is authentic and pure, there is absolutely nothing to be gotten. We love for the feeling of love. Not many people can accept that. They are over-focused on getting something, earning something, qualifying for something, and later, when that object of their affection does not feel the same, they realize that they have poured themselves into the other person, while the other simply drank from their full cup.

When you create such a dynamic, you hurt yourself. When you believe that your one-sided interest is enough, you too are demonstrating ego-based love, and your own narcissism. How dare you assume that your self-interest is enough to qualify for the other person? One-sided interest is the shallowest offering of love a human could create. In fact, that narcissistic love is a social perversion causing a lot of social problems and a huge rift in gender relations. What you are watching in the news today is malignant, narcissistic, one-sided desire to satisfy the self.  I have said this many times before, the entire romance and relationship industry is built on “getting” people who don’t want you to want you. There is nothing more low, than relating to others based on what you can get, or on feeding your ego.

Yet, most relationships between givers and takers are based on this formula. One person is hungry to satisfy the emptiness within, they seek to satisfy that hunger by pursuing a relationship. They believe that to achieve validation, the must act, earn, chase, pour all of themselves into the other person, to “get” them. They falsely believe that once they get that person, they will be satisfied, they too will feel validated. No one can own another person. Owning a person is called slavery. Have you ever noticed that lovers who own the other, are slaves to the relationship? Why? They have nothing, just an illusion that they have gotten a person who had low interest in them. The slavery to the relationship and the other person is a never ending cycle of giving to get, giving to get, and more giving. They must keep working, giving, trying, standing on their heads, because no amount of work is ever enough to own the affection and loyalty of the other person. The other person is just as hungry. Their emptiness will always be unsatisfied, so they will go wherever there are givers willing to fulfill them. This is your basic codependent relationship.

If you are wondering why you always seem to fall into relationships with narcissists, it is because you are a big piece of the puzzle, you are choosing to ignore. You are responsible for the relationships you get into, and your own actions are a signal to beasts who are looking to feed off your attention and affection. Your magical thinking that my love will be enough for him, that your interest in him makes the connection valid, and your willingness to earn him, please him, teach him, protect him, guide him, repair him, support him, feed him, prove loyalty to him, shower him with unconditional love will be enough to create a mutual good feeling, and enough love for both.

Think of dating as a round table filled with people who are ready, willing, and able to date you. Each person holds a cup of love in front of them. Each cup holds 2 dl (8 oz) of love. Imagine that you have some love to give, and now you are looking around the table to see who is a good match for you. People who are healthy are looking for an equal. Love in equal measure, is love that can be equally reciprocated. They are likely to choose a person whose love offer is equal to their own level of interest and commitment. Codependents and narcissist are not attracted to equality at all. Women who are attracted to narcissists are often not looking for an equal cup of love because they can’t do anything to fill a full cup. Instead, they are looking to pour themselves into the other person, to throw themselves into the challenge of filling his cup. A full cup and an empty cup are codependents seeking validation from what they can do for the other. I can fill your cup, and in exchange I will gain validation from being yours. It is no wonder that the starving are most attracted to those who have the most to give.

We have all been in relationships with a narcissist more often than we care to remember. Yet, very few people are willing to look within to discover what role am I playing in creating these kinds of relationships. Yes, you too are responsible for the toxicity you bring into your own life, so what are you doing wrong?

At the core of your own toxic belief system is the idea that my interest, and my own desire qualify me for the object of my desire. I like him, I love him, I want him, therefore I am the only one who deserves him. That doesn’t sound so toxic when we think of it from the perspective of fulfilling our own needs. There’s nothing wrong with getting what I want, that’s harmless. Now, turn the tables. Most women have been pursued by men they do not want. Most women know what it is like to say no, and have that word quickly dismissed by a hungry, relentless man. Most women know what it is like to have a man they don’t want pursue them so much that they are immediately turned off, frightened, disgusted. Yet, the hungry always believe that their own interest is enough. Malignant love is when the recipient decides to take what the other is willing to give. You want to earn my attention? You want to feed me love? You want to strive for me? You want to die for me? Show me. How far are you willing to go for me? How badly do you want it? Most women who are in this vicious cycle will shower men with endless support and adoration. And a lot men who are in the same cycle are willing to buy love, pay for every moment, buy every kiss with cash. None of these relationships are true. Yet, this is how society teaches us to love. Do something valiant, throw yourself into the ring, give yourself fully, and then you will earn a reward. In the end, there is no villain. Both people are to blame, both are equally responsible. Where there are buyers, there are sellers, and opportunists, and traders of love that is always available for sale.

If you find yourself in repeating patterns with narcissists, understand that you are at the core of the problem. Your own beliefs about love are a perfect match to theirs. You must meet, you are drawn to each other like magnets. There is no way out until you learn to de-magnetize yourself, and that takes years of introspection, learning about your own self, breaking your own patterns, and changing your entire belief system about relationships, redefining manhood, weaning yourself off codependency, and establishing your own definition of what a healthy relationship is. That is all your own work. Most humans aren’t willing to do that, because they believe that the next relationship, the next person, the next opportunity will satisfy them. It won’t. Next is just an opportunity for you to drink more of your own poison.

Every relationship is a mirror to your inner self. We all refuse to look in that mirror, because we refuse to believe that we are our own creation. If I truly created myself, I would not be so ugly, I would not have such a toxic belief system, I would not be so needy, I would no be so codependent. That mirror is not me! It is you. The other is always the villain, I am always a giver while the other always a taker, he is the narcissist, I’m just a victim. Please, grow up. Until you are willing to study the person in the mirror, you will never understand the self. True power is being able to study your own darkness, go within and face the ugly, accept that this is me, I AM THE PROBLEM that I see in others.

Remember, healthy people aren’t seeking to love someone greater than them, someone more than they are, someone who has more to give, someone to rescue them, nor someone they can look up to. Healthy people know their self worth, they know what they can give and what they can’t, so we are always looking for an equal of the same self-knowledge, experience, and level of consciousness. Equality has nothing to do with money, service, or status, equality is of the self. Those of us who are very conscious of who we are on the inside, can easily spot when the other is not our equal, and simply on our doorstep to feed. But people who lack awareness of their own inner world, their true self, have no basis to make an accurate comparison. One partner will always seek someone to fill his empty cup, while the other will seek to pour all herself into that empty, leaking cup. There will never be enough love in their equation.

At the core of all your relationships is just you and your own belief system. If you want better relationships, you have to operate from a higher perspective. Love is not what you can do for someone else, nor what they can do for you. You will never get someone using games and mindless tactics. You will never give enough to satisfy the other person. Take a step back, and look in the mirror. What void are you attempting to fill in yourself?

S

“I am waiting to see what you deliver”.

I was seeing this guy on and off in the last few years. It was never serious, always causal. We recently reconnected, had a few drinks and without warning he poured his heart out. It all sounded genuine and sincere, unfortunately for him, I’ve been around the block a few times, and I have seen this before. Yes girls, men know how to cry on command to get what they want too. Never fall for crocodile tears. After that chat, he called a few days later and asked “So, do you think we should try again? You don’t seem that thrilled to reconnect”. I said “Your words sounded poetic, I’m waiting to see what you deliver”.

My own words made me realize, why don’t women wait for the delivery before they start believing in the sales pitch? Many of us fall for the sales pitch each and every time, we think we bought a Ferrari until he delivers a used clunker to our doorstep. He talked a good talk, he said all the right things, totally got her hopes up, then he stood on the sidelines, and waited for her to create the relationship by herself, push the relationship forward, while he observed what she is willing to do to get it.

That’s not how things work for a Goddess. We don’t believe in the sales pitch. If he is pretending to be a Ferrari, he better deliver a masterpiece of a relationship into your driveway BEFORE you start building anything with him, BEFORE you invest emotionally, BEFORE you even take him for a test drive. Some men take women for a test drive, and some dimwits willingly go along. And after the test drive, he is nowhere to be found. Why? If you were a car sales woman, would you hand the keys to a Ferrari to someone who doesn’t qualify for it? No, you would qualify the customer before you hand him the keys.

But really, all women should be taking men for a relationship test drive. After all, most men will say anything they think women want to hear, and they will spin tall tales until they get that free test drive. Before you give him anything at all, see what he delivers. If you want a relationship, why not test his relationship skills before you give him anything at all? If you want something long term, or if you want commitment, why not get commitment first before you start committing yourself? We make it too easy on men by letting them earn us just by going through the motions of a few dates. Why not test drive him in a relationship, and demand to see what he delivers in terms of a healthy relationship before you even consider making any effort at all?

Take it from someone who has been around the block a few times. 99.99% of nice guys are not who they claim to be. They may be nice, but they’ve got nothing a real woman wants.  The vast majority cannot meet your needs even if they did their absolute best. The smart thing to do is to see what they can actually do, before making any effort at all.

You’ve heard the phrase ‘Show me the money’, well every woman should be asking “Show me the relationship” and taking careful notes about what he delivers, weather his delivery pleases you, weather it is enough for you, could you find someone who could do it better. All those questions should be answered with a crystal clear demonstration, before you enter this relationship at all.

If what you want is a 100% committed relationship, then test him on his commitment. If he is demonstrating that he is 100% committed, then he has no time to test drive any other women. You will know it the minute he goes missing. Why do women give men what they want on the 3rd date, if they have not yet received what they asked for?

You should only be dating what I call the 100%-ers, the men who are 100% ready to demonstrate their genuineness and sincerity. But, please don’t make this the basis for your selection. ALL men will offer 100% commitment up front when you are out of their league, if they can’t get anyone better, if they haven’t much success in dating, if women ignore them, if they are too old to be relevant to women. You do NOT want to select from any of these. If they are not worth any woman’s time, they are not worth yours. So don’t be fooled by commitment. Any old dog will be loyal when no one else is willing to feed him.

You want 100% commitment only from the men you have identified yourself as sleepable, datable, relatable, and qualified to be with you. That is a very small percentage of the population. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to give every guy asking for your attention any time at all. You should spend most of your time NOT dating, but sifting and sorting through the males who are strong candidates. This takes a lot of self-awareness and an understanding of who you are on the inside. You cannot properly assess who complements you unless you know your personal strengths and weaknesses, your emotions, and your own psyche. If you don’t know that, every man will disappoint you.

It does not serve you to date traditionally at all. I will write more on this later, but for now let’s say that rather than going out on dates and seeing who is willing to go through the motions with you, stop dating completely. Instead, spend most of your time getting to know vast circles of men socially. You don’t need a date, what you need are males you have qualified with your own senses, attraction points and desires to merely be in your company. You don’t need dinner and a drink, what you need is to assess how relatable they are, how genuine or phony they are, who they are at their core, how do they relate to other women, what is their m.o.?

You will gather more relevant information about men if you get to know them on a social level without any promise of dating involved. And you can easily filter out 99% of the phonies or people who don’t meet your needs without going through the motion of dating. Traditional dating is exhausting, and by following the blueprint of traditional dating, you will always fall into that trap where you have to deliver the test drive long before he has proven himself as a man. Don’t fall into that trap.

Make your own rules, follow them, honor them, and never apologize for them. Spend years identifying, then sharpening what you want. Never be in a hurry to select a man at all. There is no shortage of men in the universe, you were only taught to believe in the scarcity.

Once you have a pool of sleepable, datable, relatable men, this is the time to see what they can deliver. You can test all of them at the same time, as long as you want, because you are not sleeping with any of them, until they have demonstrated they are adept at healthy relationships. You want them to communicate clearly, show up on time each and every time, be exactly who they claimed to be, demonstrate longevity, prove relatability, show their humanity, vulnerability, a healthy and an open heart and mind. You need to know his dating history and to understand whether he has satisfied any other women at all. If he couldn’t satisfy them, what makes you think he will be enough for you? If he spent most of his dating life running away from women, why do you think he will stop running for you? Yes, that’s a tall order, but these are basic traits of a human you want to give your attention to.

As mentioned earlier, it is very important that you do not select from the lowest common denominator. A lot of men will commit to a 100% up front, because they have run out of options. Contrary to what most males are willing to admit, women aren’t chasing them, no one is demanding to marry them, and they will offer 100% to whoever is willing to give them a chance. Don’t be a bottom feeder, you will regret eating from the floor.

Instead, create your own pool of datable men that you have selected by your own standards. Do NOT allow non-datable men into your clean pool. Not even as a friend. They will quickly piss in your pool. Develop your own dating rules, and screen them long before you go on the first date. You should be test-driving every man’s relationship abilities and measuring his performance. He doesn’t have a date until he has proven he can deliver. There is no reason to hurry, there’s plenty of time to sift and sort through who suits you and who is falling short.

A girl will list herself on Tinder, and show up on a date as soon as he clicks her button. A woman will ask tough questions, and state what she wants clearly. She won’t play games. A Goddess will not validate any man at all. He is either on her level, or he gets no attention at all.

S

A question came from a male reader: “Why do women ignore me? Why do people ignore me, disconnect, or blow me off?”  I get asked this same question from women all the time, and I give them the same answer. I firmly believe that men and women have exactly the same needs, we are human after all. We are simply conditioned to express our needs and satisfy them via different culturally accepted methods. Much of my advice applies to both sexes, as we all seek to be understood, respected and valued.

There are people out there who are often ignored, especially by the opposite sex. I am sure they are all nice people, both the ignored and the ignorer are simply seeking something other than what is being offered. I don’t think that the ignored are victims of cold heartless people, I do see them as humans who often ignore themselves.

We all seek what we don’t have. The needy, seek to have their needs met by others. The insecure, seek security through others, and neglect to work on themselves to become more secure on the inside. The lonely, seek company from others when they fail to recognize the self as their source of true friendship.

You can’t ignore a person who isn’t ignoring themselves. It is impossible. So what is happening when a person is constantly being ignored? They are ignoring their Self. How?

I asked my reader, let’s call him Robert, to describe the most recent situation in which he was being ignored. He is a nurse who works in a big hospital and is very well liked by others. Though his friends and colleagues adore him, appreciate his kindness and endless positive energy, they often dismiss him, turn their backs, or decline offers to hang out after work. So this kind, nice guy often feels like he is constantly giving, and receiving nothing but cold shoulders in return. Recently, two pretty nurses joined his team and naturally Robert was eager to get to know them. He made them feel welcome by baking his special banana bread, bringing in coffee, and helping them out during their first week. That’s all very nice. Most of us would appreciate such gestures from our coworkers.

He then asked one of the nurses out on a date, she seemed very uncomfortable and changed the subject. A few hours later, he caught her when she was less busy, and asked her again. She said something polite, turned around and walked away. He then caught her at the end of her shift to tell her he didn’t mean anything by it, sorry if he offended her, and asked if they could hang out sometime. He got a “sorry I can’t” which didn’t quite satisfy him.  The next day, he baked his grandmother’s zucchini bread, brought it to work, the nurses said Thank You, but this time they were less eager to chat with him. This continued for a couple of weeks, and he noticed that each time he tried to organize a lunch with the new nurses, invite them to a social gathering, his daughter’s soccer game, they grew colder and less interested in giving him any attention at all. What did Robert do to turn them off?

Before I explain how he is ignoring himself, it is more important to state that he ignored the nurse the very first time she turned away, changed the subject and walked out of the room. Though she may not have been blunt and said No to his face, her actions clearly implied No. When people are interested in engaging you, they don’t turn their backs to you, when they are interested in spending time, they don’t change the subject at the mere suggestion of going out, and they don’t walk away. Robert ignored her ‘No’ multiple times. The more she kept ignoring him, the more he started pursuing her with repeated invitations and gifts of baked goods. This is a guy who doesn’t believe what his eyes and ears see and hear: No. His brain processed none of this, so he continued to pursue. People who easily dismiss what their senses pick up,  are willingly ignoring reality, and creating a delusion that the other person must want to be chased, that the ‘No’ is an invitation to play a cat and mouse game, or a con to get more gifts or baked goods out of them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Lack of interest is always lack of interest.

So, how is Robert ignoring himself?  Let’s go back to that first moment, when he asked the nurse out on a date. Her first response was to change the subject, turn around and walk away. Stop! In this moment, most of us would have felt discomfort. It does not feel good to be dismissed, it does not feel good to be walked away from. Most healthy humans would at this point realize this is not a pleasant situation to be in, and our self-respect would restrain us from pursuing them more. Yes, healthy people have a very strong sense of self-respect and personal pride which prevent us from doing things that are demeaning, embarrassing, and make us look desperate. Healthy people accept the word No, the very first time they see and hear it. Healthy people respect No. Healthy people don’t run after what doesn’t want them. Unhealthy people will turn No into a delusion that makes them think: She didn’t mean that, she doesn’t know what she wants, let me go ask her again, she will change her mind if I keep asking. They lose sight of how this delusion makes them look: desperate. They don’t even care that by following someone who is seeking to disconnect, they are embarrassing themselves. Their pride, and self-respect switch is turned off.

In that first moment when Robert decided to ignore the nurse’s lack of interest, he ignored his self-respect, he ignored his pride, and started chasing a person who clearly did not want him. The more he continued to pursue her interest, approval, and a date, the more he dismissed his own pride and his self-worth. He felt bad being dismissed, so rather than acknowledge his own negative feelings, he ignored them. He thought he will feel better if he can just get her to say yes to something, anything at all. So, rather than tend to his own self-esteem, he ignored it and continued to show lack of self-worth by bringing gifts and asking for her time and attention over and over again. People with low self-esteem cannot accept evidence that the object of their desire is not interested. So when someone tells them No, they either label that person a villain or they dismiss them.

To be clear, women do this too. Many women will become fixated only on that man who is ignoring them, and pursue a relationship even if there isn’t one, even if the logical side of her brain tells her that he is not the kind of man she wants, even if deep down she knows she doesn’t want him at all. What sickens me is that the dating industry encourages this behavior. We are all sold this idea that the disinterested could become interested if just the right technique is applied, we all believe that perseverance against the word No will win us that object of our desire, and that chasing and persistence will eventually pay off with a big reward. No, you will come off as a stalker and completely turn off the person who never valued you to begin with.

Self-respect is the most attractive characteristic any human can have. It shows that we are healthy, that we like ourselves, that we have pride. It prevents us from doing things which dishonor ourselves. It helps us stand up straight, look people in the eye, demonstrate confidence, but most of all, it shows that I do not grovel, I do not submit, I do not demean myself for your approval.

When we don’t cultivate the Self, when we don’t know our Self, make friends with it, respect or honor it, we are ignoring the most important aspect of who we are. If there is no Self, the person is just an empty shell seeking an identity, approval, or worth from other people. They don’t just ignore what is missing within them, they break people’s boundaries, do demeaning stuff like chase those who do not want to be pursued, and persist in maintaining their own delusions.

At the very core of this is a human who refuses to hear the word No. When you tell a dog No, if it is well trained, it will back off and sit down. That is what is expected the first time we hear No. If the dog is rabid, it will attack and pursue anything that moves, regardless of whether it is appropriate to chase. That rabid dog is a threat to our health. Often rabid animals are put down. Most experts will tell you that rabid dog is better off dead. It sounds cruel, but it is true. A person who ignores the word No, is a threat to our personal safety. Everyone (not just women) will seek to separate in that situation.

Think about that. Of what value is a human who cannot honor the boundaries of others? Of what value is a lover who exists solely to consume you? Of what value is a partner who doesn’t respect him or herself? Of what value are people who consistently ignore their pride, their honor and their own self-respect? Do you see why healthy humans seek to avoid them?

When I pointed out to Robert how he is ignoring himself, he became uncomfortably silent. He really didn’t see that he was broadcasting to the whole world that he did not value himself. No one will value you unless you find within yourself that which is most valuable. You must first satisfy yourself with your own company, your own self-love, build your pride and your dignity to such high levels that chasing others feels undignified. Only then will your attention be welcomed by others, and only then will you qualify for healthy relationships.

So what should you do if people are ignoring you, dismissing you, and blowing you off? The first thing to do is to stop yourself from pursuing, seeking their attention, or asking for more of their time. Understand that in those very first moments that you are being rejected, your mind and body are telling you something that you have been ignoring for a very long time. Rejection hurts, but groveling, begging for time and attention, and chasing those who do not want us is demeaning. You have been ignoring your self-worth for a very long time, so you are probably used to seeking justice for yourself, or seeking the approval of others to mask this pain. You falsely believe that once you get them to like you, the pain will stop. It won’t.

No one’s love nor attention can cure your missing self-esteem. That is your own work. If you find yourself in this situation, now is not a good time to be in relationships with anyone. People are nice, and they may try to compensate, even overlook your missing self, but sooner or later they will realize that there is nothing they can do for you, and that as a half-person, there is nothing you can do for them.  You will continue to be dismissed and disregarded as a mere nuisance until you develop your own self. Without a self, there is nothing for anyone to regard. Don’t blame other people for that, fix you.

If you don’t believe me that all of this work is on you, take a look at other people around you who are also missing their self-esteem. Sometimes, it is easier to see flaws in other people. Have you noticed that people who have no self-respect will often do desperate things to catch other people. Others often refer to them as “desperate”, as they act without any thought of how their actions make them look. Sometimes they are ridiculed, but most often people seek to get away from them.

Often, these are very nice people. Robert is the epitome of the nice guy. He is bursting with positive energy, he gives encouragement to all his friends, he is supportive, he listens, he bakes banana bread for his co-workers. Being nice is not enough to earn respect from people, and it never will be. Robert is broadcasting “I have no self-respect. I don’t care that you don’t want me, I don’t care that you don’t need me, I will continue to follow you, asking for your time and approval, until you give it to me”. Don’t be a Robert.

When people are dismissing or ignoring you, they are showing you how you are treating yourself. You may be over-focused on others, paying no attention to your Self. You may view their attention and their approval as medicine for whatever ails you. It’s true, you may get a temporary high from the attention of others, but then you need more, and more, and more, and it’s not their job to feed you. At a certain point, your needs will drain them, and they will blow you off.

There are countless articles out there about the toxic prevalence of ghosting, but none of them point out to the victim, “hey, maybe it’s your fault that you are consistently being ghosted”. Maybe you have an off-putting habit that other people seek to get away from. Maybe you feed off other people’s attention, maybe you seek justice for yourself by chasing their approval. Maybe you feel like you are not enough, so you drain people by expecting them to fulfill you. Maybe you can’t accept No for an answer. Just maybe, the problem is you.

I am a big fan of self-responsibility and seeking answers within ourselves rather than demanding that other people be what we need them to be. Life is all about learning about ourselves, learning from our own mistakes, and shaping ourselves into the kind of people others can find value in. If you are consistently being dismissed, the solution is entirely within you.

S