Below is a reprint from an article by Leah Torres, M.D. from her column in Self Magazine: The Gynecolumnist: I’m an Ob/Gyn and I Never, Ever Want to Be Pregnant.

If you don’t believe real women and their experiences, you might take an Ob/Gyn’s perspective more seriously.

I could not have said it better.  I have been struggling to find words to explain how I feel about pregnancy and motherhood for years. There are a lot of women out there who made the same choice I did, and said a flatout No to the idea. It is very difficult to go against the grain of society, to disappoint your parents, to walk away from lovers, to take the verbal and emotional judgement from pretty much anoyone who thinks a baby is more important than you. I always commend women for making the right choice for them, the choice that is in their own self-interest, rather than succumb to social pressure.

One of the things I find very wrong is the fact that women are raised on this bullshit idea that motherhood is expected of every woman, that pregnancy is always a joyful experience, that health risks we take are nothing compared to the reward, and that motherhood is nothing but pure bliss. This has got to stop. Pretty much every woman I know who drank this Kool-Aid was sorely disappointed and in shock when reality of pregancy and motherhood slapped her in the face. Of course a lot of women love the experience, but the ones who adjust to it very well, have a very realistic view of the entire scenario. They are well informed about the entire process, and are not blindly chasing pregnancy and motherhood, instead they weigh all aspects of the experience.

One of the most shocking and painful perspectives came from a close friend. She was very excited to be a mom, and was probably the best prepared woman for the experience I know. There were serious complications during the delivery, and she almost died. When it was all over, and she made a full recovery, ther shock wasn’t from the pain of the delivery, it was from how insignificantly her experience was perceived by the doctors, the nurses, her family and her own husband. She survived, so it was all over for them. They quickly focused onto the newborn, and barely acknowledged her terror.  It was as if the end justified the means, and while she was given proper medical care to recover, she received very little emotional support. The baby, the new life, the event, were the ultimate joy for the entire family, but her near death, was absolutely nothing.

Being a very opinionated and vocal person, she tried bringing up the subject multiple times with family and later with a therapist. No one understood. Post-partum depression is normal, and everyone insisted on treating it as such. But, what if its not? What if a woman isn’t depressed, what if she is genuinely angry?

Having listened to her story, and watched her recover from this, I was genuinely angry too. Her feeling was that she was treated by the system, and by her own family as some vessel, a baby factory, and her terror was quickly dismissed. She, the person who actually delivered, was written off.

Personally, I don’t think she was depressed, and neither did she. She quickly recovered and adjusted to her new role as a mother. But the anger persisted. And when the anger is justified, how responsible is it to treat it with a pill? How responsible is it to dismiss almost losing one’s life only to glorify birth and motherhood? I have never seen another human feel so devalued as my friend as she was recovering from this experience.

I wish more women had realistic information about the subject. It is rarely talked about, because when we speak openly, we are often guilted, shamed, dismissed, and treated as inhuman for not wanting something that is believed to be the defining moment for a woman. To me, pregnancy and birth are a biological function. I will never define myself by an experience my body can do.  And the fact that women are born with the ability to bear a child, does not mean we were necessarily meant to experience it. I will never seek validation from a biological function. I am so much more as a human, and my life was meant for so much more. I am not juding women who do experience pregnancy and motherhood, but I am asking women to share their true feelings and experiences, to help others make better choices.

One of the things I am most proud of in my life was my strength to say no to this. Somehow I knew at age 4, that motherhood is wrong for me. I stubbornly fought it through my adulthood, and my choice has served me well in life. For every woman who said yes, and enjoyed her experience, there are many who said yes reluctantly only to face the personal repercussions of doing something her inner being is telling her isn’t for her. I can’t tell you how much anger and disappointment I had to accept from my own parents who felt entitled to grandchildren, and took my choice as an insult and a lack of respect for them. I accepted the ugly rhetoric from countless men who accused me of not being a real woman, a demon, selfish, a bitch from hell, you name it, I heard it. I lost so many men, broke off so many relationships to make a choice that was right for me.

Do I regret it? No. I will never regret chosing Me. And anyone who thinks I should apologize for my choice has no place in my life. Did I pay a price? No. All the people I lost were worth the loss. They were never greater than me, never more important, and never more valuabe than my self respect. In fact, my choice paid off with a big reward. Having endured the criticism and the breakups, I now stand tall, self-assured, extremely confident about who I am. Dating, sex, and other more ultimate life experiences are mine, and I experience them with a greater sense of freedom because I have no baggage. Should I regret that? Never.

I am often accused of hating children, but that could not be further from the truth. In fact, I absolutely adore them, and children adore me. I love having a beautiful nephew in my life, watching him grow from a tiny little being into a thinking, perceiving human. Being an aunt has been one of the most amazing experiences in my life. But I don’t regret not having my own.

What I do regret is not sharing my story more often. I see so many women suffer, compromise their true selves to fulfill expectations, secure failing marriages, please men. Other do it believing they will find a purpose in life, a reason to be. If you are not your own purpose, you will never be.

I wish more women and more healthcare professionals told the true story. I wish we were more aware of the reality and costs of motherhood. I wish we were better prepared, and I wish we were stronger to stand up to pressure bombarding all of us. A good mother is one who is prepared, who undertands the risks, the physical and emotional toll, who has help and support. It is never the woman who falls into it blindly.

Let’s talk.

I’m an Ob/Gyn and I Never, Ever Want to Be Pregnant

No more karmic lessons for me, only self-mastery. It sounds egotistical to claim that I am done with my learning process, of course that never ends. Life will bring us all nothing but lessons, and lessons and lessons as long as we continue to breathe. So, no one is ever truly finished, we have all just finished one cycle and are taking a breather before a new one begins.

The lessons I learned in the last nine years have been invaluable. A huge punch in the face, over, and over again. Just when I think I figured it out, I get punched one more time for good measure. The lessons were rough, but totally worth letting myself be a punching bag to learn who I am as a person, and why I have landed onto this planet. I get it, I earned the place I find myself in now.

I wrote long ago that ‘When a Woman is Finished, She is Complete”. I am done, and it really feels good. There was a long list of grievances I had with myself, I blamed other people for it all, then came to realize it was all me. I battled my inner demons, slayed a few dragons, walked away from a lot of different reflections of me, and finally I am here. I am in a place where I need absolutely nothing. I am perfectly content with myself. There were a few last glitches that I was trying to fix, and realized, nah, the flaws I have left are perfectly okay with me. I won’t fix them, instead I’ll keep them, so deal with it.

The lessons I learned are:

• Never go back. Once you have walked away, stay gone. This isn’t cheap revenge, it is because you have nothing to learn from the same person or situation. We all struggle with going back some time, but that’s because the familiar is easy to accept, the unknown is scary. I gained nothing from ever going back. The best advice my late father taught me is to never look back and keep marching forward. I finally got that one, the past never came back to anyone, and if you keep running back, it will no longer serve you. Just go.

• Never try to fix people, nor allow anyone to fix you. It’s a selfish attempt to shape another person to satisfy you more, at the expense of them losing themselves. No one owes you their soul, and it is immoral to demand it from anyone. If you don’t like something about the other person, fix yourself. Never manipulate others to be who you need them to be, become whoever or whatever it is that you need.

• Don’t apologize for doing the best for yourself. You owe it only to yourself to live a life on your own terms. We are here to learn to create the life we always wanted, and be the best versions of ourselves. To do that, we have to walk away, say goodbye, and constantly work on ourselves. We only learn how to do that, when we place ourselves and our own happiness above others’.

• Never sacrifice. What is a sacrifice? Giving up something you value for the sake of someone else’s happiness or to be of value to them. We all have people to love, and giving is a natural expression of that. But you can’t chop off your arm and give it to your loved one. You shouldn’t cripple yourself, or squash your own desires for the sake of another. That isn’t love, that is self-sabbotage, and lack of self respect.

• Find your own moral compass. You have it and it is totally your own creation. Resist the temptation to follow a religion, a culture, a social construct, a philosophy just to feel a sense of belonging with others. Step away from the crowd, find yourself, then figure out what your inner being truly believes. We all are born connected, and knowing who we truly are. We forget when we start to obey, follow rules, take prescriptions, let others guide us. Be your own guide, you are a natural.

• Stop searching. You’ll never find it. Whatever you chase will run away, and whatever you are looking for will always elude you. You need nothing more than total satisfaction with what already is. If you can find peace with the current version of you, and accept the perfection of you in your now, you are perfectly centered. From this point, whatever you want will simply present itself to you.

• Later never comes. Those passions you keep setting aside, those dreams you are too practical to pursue now, will never come. If you don’t enjoy them now, you never will. How many things did I allow to pass me before I realized that they are right here because I am meant to experience them now. If they land in your lap, they are meant for your own enjoyment.

• Never feel guilt. No matter who you are, what mistakes you made, and what you want out of life, guilt is a waste of time. It is inflicted upon you so that you will stay small. Walk away from people who make the slightest attempt to make you feel guilty, you don’t need the emotional manipulation. Whatever you want is meant to be yours, so never apologize for it.

• Never fear. Fear is not real, it is just an emotional response to something we are not ready for. I don’t care if you fear foreclosure, a tyrant, or a lion, all those things are just triggers that elicit a response from your mind. When you learn to fall asleep next to a lion, and feel perfectly safe and secure, you’ll laugh at fear. It was nothing. Shed fear and you’ll zoom past all your perceived obstacles with ease.

• “Life is a buffet, and most poor bastards are starving”. Forest Gump said, life is like a box of chocolate. We come into this world and are presented with an endless buffet of goodies to sample. Bliss, spectacular sunsets, fine wine, expensive baubles, amazing sex, gorgeous lovers, fast cars, global adventures, thrills, roller coasters, love, and salty tears. But people are taught to say no thanks to pleasure, and push aside their chocolate sampler looking for the perfect prescription for life instead. They turn to religion, philosophy, pills, and are constantly seeking a teacher, yet all you need to know is to sample your candy every day. Pathetic are the people laying on their deathbeds still holding an uneaten box of candy. They learned nothing from life.

We are all here to learn, and the only way we can evolve is to experience everything. Don’t protect yourself from experience, don’t protect yourself from heartache, don’t protect yourself from the painful lessons. Pain is just an illusion too, an obstacle that we learn to fear and avoid.

Expose yourself to everything, no matter how sinful, wrong, painful- just live it. There is a tremendous beauty in a broken heart, if only you were willing to surrender to it. My heart is not an iceberg, it is always allowing more experiences to make it bigger and stronger. A lot of things I thought I truly needed in my life seem useless to me now. They are just symbols or accessories that can do nothing for me at all.

I have reached a place where I no longer need anything. The lessons are not over, in fact I am sure even greater experiences are coming my way. But I have reached acceptance, contentment, self-satisfaction and peace. Whatever falls into my lap is just icing on my cupcake. I’ll lick the sugar off, toss the crumbs aside and keep enjoying more.

In my life, I have never had a plan. Dangerous and irresponsible, I know. But every time I tried to will something to happen, it didn’t. Every time I tried to fix someone, he or she fought me. Every time I sought something not meant for me, I failed. I am okay with failure, but I am having a good time admiring what I have now.

Somehow, without a plan, amazing opportunities always fall into my lap. It’s not fair that I experience all these thrills without striving for them. But I have learned to lean back, and accept whatever flows toward me. Someone or something beautiful always reaches me in its own time. My job is to only say yes.

S

Have you ever cheated? I did. No, it’s not my usual m.o., but I did in the past. The experience was a huge eye-opener for me because it helped me understand what I was looking for from cheating was actually an escape from myself. No, I was not looking to escape from my existing relationship, nor my man. In fact, most cheaters are not looking to exit a marriage at all. I was not happy with who I was as a person and blamed my inability to get in touch with the true me, my inability to be the person I want to be, on my ex and the marriage.

Outwardly, I was looking for awesome sex, fun, and excitement, a remedy to a 15 year relationship that just felt stale. But in hindsight, it really wasn’t about that at all. What I was truly looking for is for a man to perceive me as I wish to be. I was excited by the fact that this guy I was fooling around with could see in me what I wished I could see in myself. And for a while, that worked. The experience gave a huge boost to my self-esteem, and actually improved my marriage (I’ll explain how in another post).

For years after, the fling kept me on an emotional high simply because I knew that if I had to, I could get in touch with that version of myself again.  A decade later I learned to create that connection with my own inner being through self-improvement and personal growth. I learned that cheating was just compensating for my own insecurities and dissatisfaction with myself, and I never did it again. I really don’t need to. Today, when I don’t feel good about my life, I know that any dissatisfaction I feel is with myself. When I find myself in relationships that aren’t healthy, or aren’t the best that I can give to myself I leave. I know that my relationship with myself will always be better than any relationship with another person. But that lesson took years to learn and put into practice.

Cheating was that quick fix, a boost to my morale, something I was starving for at the time. I have a lot of male friends and always speak with them frankly. Why do they cheat? It is rarely because they want to end their marriages or escape a woman they don’t love. Unless the relationship is toxic, most men love their wives and girlfriends and aren’t looking to replace them at all. Cheating, or desire for another which often manifests in flirting, making advances or an actual fling, is just an emotional insecurity. It is an inner emptiness we seek to fill with another person.

Men and women who are not self-aware will explain cheating as a physical need, a hunger for another or a different human. But self-aware people know there is usually nothing wrong with their spouse, they recognize there is something dissatisfying about themselves. Having cheated, I see that what I was seeking from the experience was Me. Today, I don’t need to cheat, I have myself and we are tightly bound to each other. In fact, we are married for life. But, if a guy is telling you he needs you, how bad his existing relationship is, please understand he may not actually be looking for You, and he will rarely leave his wife or girlfriend unless a relationship with you is more beneficial. Instead, he is flirting with the idea of You, because you reflect back to him who he wishes he could be.

A person who is truly looking to improve his/her life and being, will embark on a project to change their entire existence. A person who finds himself in a truly unhappy marriage or relationship will free themselves from it. If it was truly a bad relationship, they would not be able to tolerate it a minute longer. They would not linger in something toxic, in fact they would exit no matter what.  Then they will take some time to heal, reconnect, get in touch with their true self. That is the sign of a human truly doing the work to create a better reality. A person looking for a bit of medicine, or love therapy will seek a new and improved partner without having done the work on themselves, and they are usually unwilling to let go of a good thing, for someone who is not guaranteed to be better. Why divorce or break up with a stable partner, to be with someone shinier? There is no reason for that. Cheating is an unwillingness to let go of a good thing, just a superficial desire to know I am capable of having better.

Cheaters look at the other man or woman as a mirror that reflects back the version of themselves that they wish they could be. We all wish we could be better, more successful, sexier, more fit, have drastically more glamorous lifestyles than we actually do. We want to feel younger, desired, wanted, needed, we long for missed opportunities, the one who got away, we wish we made better choices in life. Most people settle too soon for a sure thing, a safety net, a stable partner and home, and then embark on a search for their true selves when they feel secure. I am not judging anyone, we all have our journey.

Do we have to accept the hand we were dealt? I don’t think so. We came into this world to create the best version of ourselves, and the best possible lives we can. And if that means leaving an old lifestyle behind for a new one, that is a life experience in itself. Breaking past cycles, moving on from situations and people who do not serve us, constantly striving for better versions of ourselves are all genuine human needs, and we shouldn’t feel ashamed for pursuing them. Those experiences will grow us.

But keeping one foot in a marriage or a relationship, while testing the waters with the other, is cheating. Right or wrong, it demonstrates an unwillingness to give up what we already have got. It also demonstrates our fear, reluctance, risk, and lack of conviction that the other is truly better. Cheaters just want a quick fix, a temporary high, a person or an experience to fill an emotional gap, but are not willing to pay a price, nor reconstruct entire lives to get it.

Though personally I don’t cheat, I hardly ever judge others for it. We are all on a search for ourselves. We all are on a search for a remedy for what truly ails us. It is only through heavy emotional, spiritual, physical and financial loss that we realize that a new person or situation will not fix us. We are the ailment and we are the remedy, and anything we desire outside ourselves is just a temporary crutch.

S

Divorced? I am. Divorce is one of the biggest and most valuable lessons in life. It is that slap in the face we all need, to help us re-evaluate our entire belief system, reset our expectations of love and other people, question the institution of marriage vs. purer forms of love, but most of all, divorce will help a woman get in touch with who she is as a person on a deeper level, and if she is patient enough before rushing into a new relationship, she learns how far she needs to grow, adjust and evolve to become complete all by herself. I am a big believer in divorce, not because I have anything against marriage, but because I see how divorce helps women grow from girls, to women, to total goddesses.

In fact, divorce is that big turning point in life, where many women finally see what belief systems the fell for, how those ideas didn’t serve them, then rise into self-made, confident, learned, experienced Goddesses, remade into their highest image. Most of the women in our private group became exceptional women only after they crawled out of marriages, learned to mend their own wounds, accepted total responsibility, but also were willing to explore multiple relationships and different kinds of men, before it dawned on them they are entitled to pick and choose.

Everyone should get a divorce at least once in their life. Those of us who are slow learners, could use the lesson two or three times at least. The reason I am so pro divorce is because I personally found it to be a life altering experience for the better. It had nothing to do with liberating myself from a bad relationship, instead, it had everything to do with getting in touch with the real me, embarking on a self-discovery roller coaster, crashing and burning countless times, but also a series of unforgettable men, each of whom was a wonderful teacher. And without a teacher, what have we learned?

Divorce has a temporary negative effect on us all. We exit marriages wounded, bitter, broken into a thousand little pieces, and we all exit looking for someone to heal us. In fact, the first thing every divorcee needs is medicine. It is a basic human need to feel okay, and who else could fix us better, but the next man or woman? That first person we lean on right after a separation is in for a crash, they are getting into a fling with a person beyond repair, someone so incapable of a healthy connection they are better off left on the side to fix themselves.

I was there once, and I know what it is like to begin the process of healing from divorce. Luckily, I was open to learning and let each man go quickly, because I understood that healing was going to be a long process and I had years ahead of myself to learn. But most people are looking for another person to rescue them. If you are considering dating a freshly divorced person, please step away. At best, you will be their crutch until their leg heals, and once they are better, they will want to walk by themselves, and then run to test the limits of their newly healed body.

I recently ended it with a divorced guy. The relationship didn’t go far, in fact I should have listened to my first instinct about him, and walked away after the first date. But, I went against my own judgment and gave the guy a chance, which is something I never do. At the very least, this experience taught me that my first instinct is correct, and I got a refresher course in why I will never be medicine to a broken man.

So, he was gorgeous, highly intelligent, open, exciting, and had a beautifully irresistible mind. But he also had a kid, which for me is a major turnoff. I love children, but I never wanted one for myself, and always found that relationships with people with children are too complicated for an uncomplicated person like me. I am most compatible with people with little to no baggage. I spent most of my life discarding the unnecessary, solving my own problems, cleaning up my own messes, and learning how to use birth control. Why? My lifelong goal has always been to keep it simple, and keep myself free and unburdened so that I can experience everything! As directionless as I can be sometime, I am always focused on experiencing everything, and with that comes the luxury of saying yes to whatever amazing opportunity that falls into my lap. In all the years I have been divorced, having no children, no exes to drag behind, and no baggage, has enabled me to keep moving through life, sampling all the best candy, learning, growing, and always being in love.

The best relationships I have had are with other people who believe in birth control as much as I do. And the best men were always the ones who cleared up their messes before they landed on my doorstep, and didn’t drag all their exes behind them. When they stood before me, they possessed a single carry-on, a clean bill of emotional health, no trace of exes or a litter of children, and a plane ticket.  That is the main reason I date younger men exclusively. Your requirements may be different from mine, but the most important factors in a potential relationship is Did he take the responsibility for himself to fix his own life, or is he bringing all his junk to your doorstep so you can help him?

So, this divorced guy was a beautiful face, who will some day turn into an exceptional grown up. I walked away because I knew I won’t be the one to grow him. But here is what he proposed: He wanted a girlfriend, and I looked just the type who could make him feel better. He wants to travel the world but right now divorce is a factor, so I will have to wait for that. The kid won’t be a problem because it has a mother, but he will want to see it on weekends, at which time it would be okay for me to spend time with it. Oh and the wife won’t be a problem, but he will have to see her twice a week, accept multiple phone calls. She will be the one to raise the kid, accept all the responsibility of the household, while he goes out to start a new life. Interesting.

I was amused by his perspective on how his life turned into such a messy situation he didn’t plan to be in. Having dated multiple divorced men, I can confidently generalize that they all try to deflect responsibility and blame for their situations for as long as they can get away with it. It wasn’t his fault he married a woman he wasn’t truly in love with, she was the one to twist his arm into a marriage. It wasn’t his fault she had a baby before he was ready, shit happens. It wasn’t his fault they bought a house they now have to make mortgage payments on, she was the one who insisted on buying it. It wasn’t his fault they had to separate, it isn’t fair he never had the opportunity to live, experience life because she made him settle down too soon. Do you see where he’s going with this?

Most people are looking for a quick fix after divorce. And most have not yet done the work on themselves to realize that what the life they created IS their fault. That comes only years later after many failed relationships. It takes years for a person to realize that yes, they are responsible for themselves, that the other person didn’t create their unhappiness, that the reason they are in unfortunate situations is ONLY BECAUSE they allowed it, they went along with it, they never said no.

In fact, my ex-husband admitted this to me years after our divorce. He literally married the very first woman he went to a date with after our separation. He was looking to feel safe and secure again right away, and didn’t want to face the emotional roller coaster of psychological healing, facing the cruel dating world, or facing himself. He got a quick fix and a situation he feels he didn’t sign up for. He never wanted children either, but she had a kid from a previous marriage so he quickly became a step-dad. Even though he wasn’t comfortable in the role and wanted to travel, explore and enjoy his adulthood, they had another child, and now he is years away from experiencing the life he envisioned. How did that happen? Of course, she did it to him, it wasn’t his fault. He still portrays himself as a victim of circumstance, not as someone who made his own choice.

Divorced people need years to learn. Women learn faster, men learn about themselves and their roles in relationships slower, because they cling to this idea of maleness, that makes them victims of unreasonable women, unreasonable responsibilities, and  they continue their pursuit to satisfy their “male needs” rather than fix themselves. Divorced men rarely see themselves as a problem. They are seeking both their freedom, and at the same time a woman who is going to make them feel safe, stable, and like a man. He wants assurance that he is still highly desirable, with none of the acceptance that he is a father of two kids, an ex-wife, a mortgage, child support, and alimony. He sees all these factors as traps or unfortunate circumstances of having an ex, not a conscious decision he made for himself.

When I got a divorce, I falsely assumed that all it will take is a better man to fix my life. I falsely believed in the rescuer. I falsely believed that I was a victim of an unscrupulous man. It took years for me to see my own role, my own weaknesses and failings. Countless flings and a few relationships later, I see. I see that it was me all along. I see how I was inadequate to myself and how much I needed to grow before I was qualified for a healthy person.

So, I broke it off with the divorced guy, because I saw him as a puppy who was looking for a safe home. He is looking for the security of what a new girlfriend could provide, without having taken care of his shit. He wanted validation that only a single man could get, a stable woman to lean on, someone to share his burden, but also the opportunity to go out there and live his life and get to know himself. No thanks. As many times as he assured me that his ex and children are no longer in the picture and will never be a problem, he also mentioned that he will have the kids (now two) on the weekends and that I would be welcome to get to know them. When I asked if he has a babysitter, he did not think of that. When I asked how would we travel, he did not think of that. When I asked if I will be spending weekends with my friends when he has the kids, he did not like that. When I asked how exactly he would be spending time with the kids, he did not have a plan. He just imagined that when he has a woman in his life, it will all take care of itself. Funny. This guy has a lot to learn.

This may be his first divorce, but something tells me it will take a couple for this guy to even begin taking responsibility for his life. Men are taught that they are men simply because they have a penis, and that their male needs can only be satisfied by women. When their male egos are bruised, they can be healed by a fresh, good woman, and when they fail, it is the fault of an unscrupulous woman. Any divorced person still bitching about their ex and children, has not yet done the work. Any divorcee with a shitload of grievances is too unhealthy for a solid relationship. Both men and women who are still reeling from that trauma, are simply looking for someone to help them out with life.

By now I know that I am not a therapist, I am not a nurse, I am not a sidekick, and I don’t need a puppy to bring into my home. I am also confident that I have done the work on myself, I am fully healed, I am very experienced, and I have built my life in exactly the image I had in mind. Am I perfect? No. But, I delivered what I promised to myself. I knew at a young age I will never want children, and despite the anger, attacks, and multiple failed relationships, I stayed true to myself. I cleaned up my life from all my exes. Not a single ex has any access to me. I refuse to drag them in a suitcase behind me while I try to have new relationships. I expect the same of the men I date. Is that wrong? Absolutely not.

Nine years after my divorce, I am now confident enough, smart enough, experienced enough, self-assured enough to say that I am well qualified to be with a healthy person. What have my lessons in singlehood earned me? An equal. Who is my equal? The one who has done the same work on himself, and kept a tidy ship. Here is what I qualify for:

1. A single, childless, exless, emotionally available man. 2.  A psychologically and emotionally healthy human being. 3. A pure and open heart. 4. Must be agenda free- this is a person who isn’t looking for a woman to satisfy a need (wife, therapist, trophy, validation as a man), but someone who can actually contribute himself to a relationship. 5. Beautiful mind- someone who thinks independently, outside the box, can validate an argument rather than rely on headlines or soundbites to support his arguent 6. Evolved, young, uncomplicated.

Is this a tall order? I don’t think so. I am that, and I know many people who are too. I also fall short in many aspects of my life, and have a way to go to achieve perfection. I accept that may be never. But this is what I have achieved while taking stock of my life, and the people who haven’t grown, don’t even qualify for my friendship.

If you have grown from past experience, if you have done your homework, studied yourself, accepted all your own failures, learned who you are on the inside, earned respect, and are stable on your own two feet than you don’t owe it to anyone do  their work for them. Divorce is an invaluable lesson in life, but only because it forces us to take care of our own shit, and take a look at our own shortcomings.

Any person who expects that another will fix him has not graduated yet. Anyone looking for a rescuer, a helper, someone to mend their broken heart, take on their responsibilities, is not emotionally well enough to be in a relationship with a healthy person. I know from personal experience the toll divorce takes on every aspect of a person’s life and that it takes years before we repair ourselves. So, I generalize again, but recently divorced men are simply not healthy enough, nor experienced enough to qualify to be with me.

S

Sometimes I forget that over 60% of my readers are men, and as much as I direct my posts at strengthening women and helping them find their true, authentic, inner goddess, I have to remember that back when I was starting this blog, and was posting points of view most women were uncomfortable with, it was my male readers who gave me the most encouragement. Often I doubted my own opinion, and it was those first comments from the guys “wow, where can I meet women like you” and “I wish you could teach this to all women” and “I tell my girlfriend to read your blog”, that kept this blog going.

So, I am directing today’s blog post toward the men too. After all we are all human, and I firmly believe that men and women want exactly the same thing in relationships, we just have different ways of expressing ourselves. Even when my male friends ask me what I think of their dating style, I always give them the exact same advice as I do to women. Human is human, so show me who you are as a human.

Dating is an industry and everyone is a commodity. I hate that. It is no wonder then, that a lot of people have this satisfaction guarantee mentality as they approach dating. We all expect to be satisfied, not just from this product or service we bought that claimed to guarantee our dating success, but from the person we are dating as well. How many times have you been approached by a man or woman with an agenda? It is almost as if they have no clue who you are on the inside, all they see is the exterior package and they have just identified you as their prize. You look like the type who will fulfill their needs. And so they corner you in a bar, oblivious to the signals that you are sending “I’m not interested” and they start to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk. You can tell they are looking to close the deal, but you’re not even browsing.

I meet thousands of people every month, it’s the nature of my job, and regardless of whether they are flirting, networking, looking for friends or a significant others, I am usually aware of their story even if they don’t explicitly tell me anything. By now, I have learned how to tune out and switch off, to give myself room to breathe. And in doing that, I have come to observe how some people have the capacity to turn us on, or turn us off almost in an instant. Looking back over the years I ask myself who were the people who stood out of the crowd? Who are the ones who turned me on? Who are the ones who will always be unforgettable?

For me, it was always the people who were the most authentic. They were the ones who were able to speak from the heart, not from their mind. They were the ones who were totally vulnerable, okay with rejection, not faking interest or concern, the ones who were comfortable with all their own quirks, the unapologetic ones. So here is my personal list of favorite characteristics and how to be unforgettable.

1)  Embrace YOU.  No matter who you are as a person, the stupid mistakes you made in your life, accept the fact that this is you, and that it is exactly who you need to be if you are going to connect with the right person. That one who will understand you, will know he or she has met the right person when your flaws are totally okay. Don’t forget you, when you get into a relationship, and in order to make it flow more smoothly, you start apologizing for you and making excuses. In fact, when in a relationship, be you even more. Be unapologetic, be true to every aspect of yourself, and other people will either accept that right away, or do you a favor and walk away.

I recently met a friend’s new boyfriend. She was a bit concerned that he had a few “issues” and was not sure whether the relationship will work out. During dinner, she got up to go to the bathroom, and we started chatting. One of the things I love about people no matter who they are is when they can be brutally honest, open, and lay their cards out on the table. So, you can imagine my reaction when the guy revealed that he is an alcoholic, who just attended his first AA meeting. As he was telling me about his experience he was totally moved, emotional, brutally honest and raw. He got my attention, and I could tell right away that this person was committed to himself above all things. He owned up to his mistakes and was determined to learn from it.

I’m not one to judge, and I’m not telling anyone to jump into a relationship with an alcoholic, but just by listening to him I got a real sense of who this person is as a human. I can’t predict their outcome, but I do know what it takes to come to terms with yourself, let alone admit it to a complete stranger. I was impressed, and regardless of whether they go on, I can see this person as a potential friend. Don’t be afraid to be you, come to terms with all your flaws, get comfortable with them because either they will haunt you for the rest of your life or connect you to the right people, or help you find your path.

2) Be playful with yourself. We all know how to be playful while flirting, but how playful are we with ourselves?  Do you laugh at your own jokes, your own gaffes, do you embrace your mistakes? I am not talking about making fun of yourself in a demeaning, self-deprecating, critical way, but in a lighthearted way that shows you are funny, healthy and easygoing.

I love people who don’t take everything so seriously, who can have a good belly laugh all by themselves because I can relate to that. I know that mistakes are okay with them, they are less likely to judge me when I reveal my big fiascos.

My favorite story I tell about myself is the time I fell out of my car. This probably was one of the most embarrassing incidents of my life, because I literally spilled out in the middle of a posh hotel driveway, with one foot on the sidewalk, and the other wedged underneath my steering wheel. No I wasn’t drunk, it just happened in front of a bunch of my friends, hotel guests and half a dozen valets whose first response wasn’t to help me up, but to test to see if I was sober enough to enter. The reason I tell this story is because that is me. I laugh at every mistake I made in my life, and believe me there are some very serious ones. When I hear people make fun rather than criticize themselves, I know they are less likely to be critical when they get to know me.  Humor is healthy, and we should all know how to take things less seriously.

3) Be kind to yourself. We all know how to be kind to others, in public, or when we want to earn their favor. But people who are kind to themselves are truly the kind hearted. How they treat themselves, shows how they feel about themselves, and that in turn shows you their true capacity for love. Do you treat yourself well, buy yourself little luxuries, indulge in things that only please you? When you express kindness toward yourself people notice. If you forgive yourself for that stupid thing you said, for that costly temper tantrum, for the one that got away, you are likely to treat others like humans too.

4) Be open.  Be vulnerable, fearless, optimistic, happy go lucky. Closed people protect their hearts knowing that any new partner is potential to get hurt. Open people know that love hurts and they go for it anyway. Love is totally worth it. Open people are open toward everybody. They have fewer judgments, less fear, they see the best in everyone.

5) Show your scars. Khalil Gibran said that the most massive characters are seared with scars. There is no way to learn from experience of life, if you don’t have the scars to prove it. In fact, it is the people with only superficial scars and blemishes who are the emptiest inside.  They always have their guard up, are the most private, secretive, self-protective for fear that someone might find out who they really are. But if you are afraid that people will see you for who you really are, what are you really? A fascade.

The most beautiful people are deeply scared. They don’t display their wounds like some badge of honor for sympathy, likes or attention. Instead, the confess them, explore them, learn from them, get over them, and revisit them once in a while only for reference.

6) Show character. We all admire character, but almost everyone I meet flakes out at some point. It’s a quality everyone wants in a mate, but it is the first thing I see is missing. How soon do you flake out?  Flakiness is not disinterest in the other person. We are all entitled to not be interested. Flakiness is not keeping your word, and not being true to yourself and personal belief system. I like people who think for themselves, and have their own beliefs. How quickly do you compromise them away to get along with others? How quickly do you sweep those beliefs under the carpet just to earn favor with someone? More importantly, can you make an intelligent case for your beliefs or do you weasel out and end a debate with a conclusion that the other must be stupid for not sharing your point of view? Stand for something, defend it, and don’t pander it away or be apologetic about it.

Character is that rare quality that I admire in people. In my life I may have met only one or two whose character has made a lasting impact, the humans I will never forget. I tend to never lean on people, I prefer to stand on my own. So I always notice the few rare ones who are strong enough to carry the world on their shoulders. They are the first ones I’ll approach, sympathize, befriend and help them lighten their load.

I recently realized that I never fell in love with perfect people, the ones who seemed to have it all together. Each and every time I fell for the deep wounds, for the survivor. Those are the people who I could identify with, those are the ones I could share my reality with, those were the ones most likely to understand, and they are the ones who will point you in the right direction.

We all claim that we are looking for a deep connection with another human, yet we date people for their outer qualities, rarely getting to see their bruises and stitches around their heart. And we all are protective. I know I often fear that the scariest things I survived will be judged, deemed unsavory and rejected. But I also know that when that happens, that person is not for me. The one I can connect with knows exactly what its like to lose it all, over and over again. The one who is not afraid to say I screwed up big time in my life too.

Being unforgettable has nothing to do with your favorite shade of lipstick, your ability to open the door for a lady, your signature scent, nor that glam car you drive.  In fact, my favorite homeless bum who lives down the block has much more character than most people I know. Being unforgettable is not that glamorous quality that Hollywood movies depict. It is not that attention grabbing one liner of Gone With the Wind. It isn’t money, it isn’t style, it isn’t even an attitude. It is inner and outer strength that keeps a person standing long after everyone else has backed down. It’s that word you give and keep it no matter what it costs you. It is that one man or woman in the crowd who is strong, unshakeable, respected, always only true to themselves. We all want that special someone who is strong, who will make us feel safe, able to carry the whole world on his or her shoulders. But are you that?

We will never qualify for that person unless we are exactly that. We all have only thirty seconds to make an impression and to connect. On an average night, when my head hits the pillow I don’t even remember who I spent the night talking to. But the few who have made a lasting impression were always the people who were completely open, honest, laid their cards on the table from the start. When a person can openly show you who they really are, you know right away if you have a connection. Regardless of whether the connection turns into a romance or a friendship, it is always much stronger than that empty Hello.

When you embrace yourself people know it. When you are kind to yourself, people know you’ll be kind to them too. When you laugh at life’s biggest mistakes and keep on marching with a smile, everyone wants to embrace and help you out. And when your heart is open, you are a magnet for love. When in doubt, when in hurt, or when you are trying to recover from a broken heart, get back into your practice of realigning with yourself, and rediscover what makes you unforgettable.

S

We are trained problem solvers. The more educated a woman, and the more professional experience she has, her success depends on her ability to solve problems. So in the corporate world, to manage a project, to create results, we must overcome obstacles, communicate until we resolve a situation, manage our deliverables. So, we get into a relationship, enjoy it for a while, and then we need to know where we stand.

We have a problem, and uncomfortable, unknown situation. What is he thinking, where is he going, how does he truly feel, does he see commitment, when will we iron out all the details, how will we proceed? A thousand questions spinning in our heads. I need to solve this to reach my goal, therefore I must get to the bottom of this relationship situation.

Have you ever been awake at night with a mind that just won’t shut off? And the urge to know the next step, and the next step, and the next step is driving you insane? The need for reassurance that all will be well, the need for confirmation that he is on the same page, the need to know what will happen next. We have all been there. But a relationship is not a problem, and it’s certainly nothing you can solve. If you are in a relationship with a girlfriend, do you agonize over the next step of the friendship? Do you worry she might have her eye on other friends, or where is this friendship going? Does it have to go anywhere? After all, where could a friendship possibly go?

This agonizing feeling of needing to find a solution is exactly what brings this flowing relationship to a screeching halt, not because he is disinterested, but because she is taking apart the whole car, looking for the problem. Where is the problem? Is it me? Relax, you don’t have a problem, you have a relationship. You don’t need to spec out every minute detail of it. You won’t be judged on the uncertainty of a situation, nor forgetting to tie a few loose ends. You can’t possibly draw up an outline and manage the other person on his follow-through. ‘He didn’t meet my deadline, so I must schedule a face-to-face meeting to hash out our differences’. Unfortunately, in a relationship you don’t get a bonus for completing the project on time, making sure it meets all expectations.

What is killing our relationships? Problem solving. Everything we know about relationships is teaching us to treat it like every single aspect of it is a problem. And every single uncertainty makes us question our validity as women.  Regardless of the source of dating information, whether it is a psychology textbook, a cheap dating manual, or a yoga journal of enlightenment, every single source of information insists that there actually is a problem, even if there is no evidence of one. By now we all know the dangers of being caught by surprise by that unsavory situation, of having missed a sign or a red flag, a potential relationship pitfall, that just didn’t catch our attention. You should have been more diligent, you should have been more proactive, you could have been more aware, what’s wrong with you?, and if you only spotted one of the 12 Top Relationship Red Flags, you could have prevented this months ago.

Relax, you don’t have a problem. You are creating one by bringing in your team of relationship mechanics, the girlfriends, to help you look under the hood, take this whole thing apart and help you decide what needs to be fixed. Ask any woman who has been in a relationship about how to fix it, and she has her own service manual, which has almost always lead to a serious break down.

What do I hate the most? When someone is trying to fix me. Why? Because I am who I am and either we fit, or we don’t. The purpose of dating is to see whether we fit, and what aspects of each other’s personalities, habits and interests we can enjoy the most. Is there a goal? Never, because as soon as someone sits me down, tries to get me to specify how I want to be treated so he/she can deliver better results, my eyes glaze over and I mentally check-out. I don’t need you to be anyone other than you, and I want to see the authentic you, not the you that’s trying to be more compatible with me. I want to see all your flaws, so I can effectively determine if I can fall in love with them, not to see if you can repair them.

There is this mass hysteria about dating, as if the world is in peril and the structure of our civilization is collapsing because people no longer want to repair relationships. No one wants to work on them, fix them, collaborate on them, invest in them, strengthen bonds, firm up commitments, sign iron-clad contracts.

But is there really something wrong with people who’d rather be more relaxed and allow the relationship if there is one, to flow naturally? After all, a river is borne from a trickle of a few rain drops. It cannot flow if we start building dams, dikes and levies, long before those few drops have formed a stream, and time, nature and weather conditions, allow it to flow. ‘But I want a guarantee that my trickle will lead to something meaningful down the road! This isn’t working for me, I need to know now!’ Well that’s how you kill it, you harp, and push and prod, until your insignificant other has no choice but leave long before he or she has had a chance get comfortable in this new environment.

But understand, a relationship is not a project that must be managed. Sure, some people would rather have certainty, so they negotiate their contract until every single aspect is hashed out, until they are protected by all sorts of guarantees, until they have an iron-clad agreement. Did this project culminate into a soulmate, or a willing participant? Most people, when they reach the altar have negotiated a contract with a willing participant, someone who needs certainty and commitment as much as they do, someone who is just as fearful of solitude, old age and infirmity as they are. They are standing at the altar with a project deliverable, not a soulmate. That’s okay for some, but not okay for people who are complete.

By now I have been in enough relationships to know that they must flow before they can grow and become ripe enough for us to squeeze any juice out of them. By now I have been instructed by many partners on their way to the altar that I must make promises, meet expectations, demonstrate tenacity and show performance so they can feel certain that I adequately complete them. No.

I’m okay not completing you. I am okay not meeting anyone’s expectations but my own. And if I fail at meeting my own expectations I am okay with that too. All I care about is that I am enjoying myself in each and every moment. Sometimes, there’s a beautiful man by my side, and sometimes I am taming lions in Africa all by myself. The experience is just as blissful when I am swinging in a hammock with a gorgeous body attached to a beautiful mind, as it is when I am sipping wine and watching the sun set alone.

One thing I know for sure is that I do not need a willing participant. The world is full of people who are looking to join me because what I’ve got looks exactly like what they need. And I do not need to pre-define the scope of a relationship, seek out a reliable partner, outline the next steps, schedule talks, receive daily updates, perform regular system checks, and repair glitches before they become an expensive breakdown. By now I have fired many potential mechanics or partners for managing me like a problem that must be solved.

Rest assured, I will not meet your expectations. And if you approach me with an agenda, I’ll tear it up and throw it in your face. I can smell an agenda before the applicant opens his mouth or shows me his resume.

And I am sure most self-aware humans don’t want relationships like these. That is why we are rejecting them, and finding contentment in uncertainty. We are, in fact okay. There is nothing wrong with us. Yes, we are perfectly healthy, happy and in love with life. When we keep our minds and hearts open, we attract the most life-altering people and experiences. Rather than try to spot the 12 Top Relationship Red Flags on the first date, we hook up, we explore, we see if we mesh. If we do, we start to flow, if we don’t we hook up a few more times, than find yummier candy elsewhere.

Love is not a problem.

S

If you think it’s okay to click a button and get served up a date, why is it not okay to click delete and end all contact? We want it easy, but we don’t want the consequences. We want instant gratification, but not instant disappointment that comes with it. But what do you expect from a virtual date? That the dude will show up with real flowers, engage in real bonding, then spare you your negative feelings of saying No thanks, and coddle you until you feel better?

What possesses a person to download an app, select superficial qualities, and order up a date for Tuesday, only to bitch and moan that they didn’t get what they were hoping for? You got the promised date, you can’t expect to get feelings, bonding, sensitivity and therapy when the date ends. You ordered a live human, who somewhat resembles his product description, but you complain that you can’t keep him longer than the time allotted to a coffee date? But he didn’t text me back? Was he supposed to? But he at least owes me an explanation. No he does not.

An app is an app and no matter how you look at it, it is still only a service that requires minimal social skills at best, to download a date. Though the person actually showed up, you still have to have the qualities he or she is looking for, and if you turn him off in the 30 minutes at Starbucks, maybe you owe him an apology too. After all, that person who walks away is a disappointed customer just like you.

So many of my friends are online shopping for dates, yet they don’t realize that by shopping, and browsing for younger, bigger, smarter, handsomer, they too are being evaluated and dismissed. It’s a market of instant gratification, of goods and services, where people are traded and tossed around, always for something better.

I have no problem with virtual dating at all. I do have a problem with all the grievances people have about their downloadable significant others. And yes, I often ridicule the stories instead of sympathizing with them. It seems ridiculous to me that people have these old-fashioned attitudes about how a virtual date should operate, and all the emotional emptiness this date should fulfill. On one hand they signed up for a quick thrill, on the other hand they expect him to carry you off into the sunset, or at least answer a few texts so you can feel temporarily validated.

There are good reasons I am not shopping for dates online. I don’t claim to be any better than others, but I am lucky enough to run an organization that gets me plenty of wanted and unwanted attention. But the main reason is that my own senses tell me all that I need to know about a person, much more than a product description or a bio could.

I have written before about ghosting and my reasons for it (scroll far below). Our lives are digital, and with that comes a 100 times more friendships and connections than our parents ever had to deal with. Are you telling me that with the four digit number of people in my virtual rolodex, I have to politely write a heartfelt apology any time I have no interest? Um, no. If someone I barely know asks me on a half-assed date, that doesn’t amount to anything than a complete waste of my time, he will not get more than three words back. If some 60 year old grandpa decides to take his chances online, because he knows he would never have the guts in person, do I really have to qualify that with an answer? No.

In today’s world we are bombarded by offers of sex, insta-dates, virtual friendships, and online company. It is a good thing, and I really enjoy connecting with people in ways a slow, old-fashioned friendship could never give me access to. But, the downside is that my inbox is full of offers from men who now have sudden access to me, and whereas in the past they never would have had the opportunity, or guts, or access, now they feel free to test their luck. What’s the worst that could happen? There are no serious consequences for hitting on someone virtually, rejection hurts much less.

And so with online dating comes easy access to people we never would have had access to in the first place, and that’s nice. But, we have to understand that once the instadate meets you in person, they will just as quickly realize you are not the one. There’s nothing wrong with that, but there’s no time to dawdle, explain, apologize. We have at least 15 more dates to screen this week.

Yet people have these lofty expectations of a face they fell in like with on an app. Sure, people meet online, hook up, even marry. But that’s because they also have the ability to hit delete the second they are no longer satisfied and keep moving. That doesn’t make them bad people, it makes them efficient. We all have to kiss a thousand frogs to find the prince. The purpose of an app is to filter, screen, zero in, and if it doesn’t work, keep scrolling to the next candidate. So is it reasonable to expect that person who has already screened you out, to now linger, answer unwanted texts, and make you feel wanted?

It isn’t efficient to expect feelings, coddling, or too much time from a virtual date. We are all on a mission, and we all have better people to meet. Sorry it’s not you, ought to be enough. Cold? Maybe. But you are dating an app. It’s like going to McDonalds, ordering a $1 hamburger, then complaining it’s not organic. You ordered a cheap fix, not a fully vested human being.

Not satisfied with instant dating? Invest in developing your social skills, put on a clean outfit and try approaching a live and breathing human in a social environment. You will have to be physically attractive, be adept at making conversation, hold eye contact, flirt, subtly indicate interest, be mindful of your own annoying habits, but also be fully aware when that person is no longer interested and bow out of the conversation on time. Not many people have the confidence to actually ask someone out on a clearly defined date. These days, we are much more likely to get a ‘You wanna hang sometime”? With a lame question like that, it is perfectly acceptable, even preferable to answer with a lame answer.  Sure, whatever.

S

I am a huge fan of being responsible for myself, and with that comes the acceptance of the fact that I create every situation that I am in. It is never the guy’s fault. What is staring at me right in the face, that uncomfortable situation, is totally my creation. Knowing that it is all me, gives me a tremendous power to change. Taking that responsibility onto myself , and not waiting for him to make something happen, makes my life flow much faster, and I see improvements in my experience every day.

I am talking about YOU, almost in an accusatory tone, to make you realize that every unfavorable situation you have ever found yourself in was totally your doing. And not being aware of that, only perpetuates repeated situations where you are the perceived victim of someone else’s crime of the heart. Ready to take responsibility for yourself?

So, today’s question is, are you okay with being in an ambiguous relationship? I have been in them, and they are a complete waste of time.  Personally, I am okay with it for a while, as long as I am getting to know the person and trying to figure out who he is, and whether he fits into my existence or clashes with it. But there usually comes a point where every human needs clarity on exactly where they stand, so they can make the right decision.

Have you ever been in that uncomfortable space where you know what you want, but that person has not made any indication that he or she wants the same? So you are in relationship limbo, where you both maintain status quo, to not rock the boat. You are hoping it turns into something, while playing it safe and convincing yourself you are perfectly okay with nothing. The more you settle into nothing, the more you stay in that energy of limbo. You can’t move forward and you can’t take anything back. How does that feel?  Most people I know who grapple with relationships are really in the nothingness of it, tortured by the unknown factors and what ifs that have very little chance of materializing.

If you are clear in what you want, but the other person isn’t, why not just state it? How many times have we just gone along with the flow of a relationship, knowing very well, this isn’t it, yet the other person is becoming more hopeful, more attached, more committed every day? Do you have a responsibility to say something, or is it okay to go with the flow because you haven’t lined up something better? Most people see themselves as victims of situations like this, but give me some examples of how you are ambiguous yourself. If you can’t think of a 100 ways, chances are you are not in touch with yourself.

Here are my examples:  A friend asks me out for a drink, and I come up with a lame excuse, I am busy. She asks me again next week, and I have a new excuse. She keeps asking and I keep deflecting. I don’t have the courtesy to tell her the truth: I am not into you, I see no potential for the kind of friendship you want, and I have no intention of having a drink with you. Yet, we are all guilty of this.

Our culture and dating media always urge us to be polite, protect people’s feelings, never offend a man or make him feel unwanted or rejected. And in reality, we have all seen evidence of how combative some guys get when we are not careful to protect their manhood. So we take it upon ourselves to lay them down gently, then accept the negative consequences on ourselves when he doesn’t get it, he is not accepting your soft, polite rejection, instead, he is acting even more aggressively. ‘You lead me on!’ he screams, as you keep asking yourself, how did I do that? I politely said I am seeing someone, I am unavailable, I even had a drink with you as I explained I don’t want a relationships right now. While you may think you did all the right things, after all, you did everything by the book, he is still expecting something and making this unwanted situation all your fault.

Been there, done that many times. And accepted the blame, more often than not. But was I really clear as I could have been?

I grew up very shy, and very protective of other people’s feelings. For years I would shoulder the blame for everything, mainly because I was afraid to offend, and too quick to make the uncomfortable situation go away. I’ll take the blame, call me whatever offensive word you want, just go away. But decades later I realized my politeness was not serving me at all.  Over and over again, I would get myself into situations where I am politely and gently saying no, while the other person is taking that as a maybe, and permission to try even harder. Reverse the situation, and here you are in the beginning stages of an ambiguous relationship, he keeps showing up on dates, or coming over for a hookup, so you take that as a sign that he must be showing up because he wants the same thing as you. Is this situation clear enough for you?

Keep in mind that people are not bad or evil, most are not out to use you and take what isn’t given to them. Most people are in ambiguous situations, because they are afraid to communicate, and afraid to state clearly what they want. You are in a department store, and the sales woman asks: Shall I start the fitting room for you? And you reply, No, just looking. Don’t you wish that person you are hooking up with would honestly say I’m just looking? We have all been programmed to avoid conflict, bluntness and directness are considered impolite, yet we all suffer when we can’t get a clear answer out of someone.

Years ago, I resolved to change that, get over my shyness, and the need to protect other people’s feelings. I started to practice No. Not, no thank you, I can’t tonight, Not, sorry I am busy. Instead, just plain NO. It is uncomfortable, and there will be that 3 second pause while that other person treats that no as an affront or a slap in the face. But the sooner you get comfortable with that uncomfortable silence, the sooner you will find your power in it. My first few nos were unnerving. The next few, felt better, and by now I command respect when I state it plainly and clearly, NO.

So, today, when a guy who I am not attracted to asks me out, I don’t make up some nonsense about having a boyfriend. That is a cop-out and just an excuse. Even when I am seeing someone, even when I am in a committed relationship, I don’t use that as my excuse. I say No. When he asks why, I say I am not attracted to you, I am not into you, I don’t date men your age, etc. I give a reason they can’t argue with, not an excuse.

Which brings me to a very controversial subject, one that society and culture accepts as a norm, while I find is extremely deceptive, and disempowering to women. In fact, I have had many heated arguments about it with the other Goddesses in the private forum, yet most of them disagree with me on this.

It is considered polite to accept a drink from a man who offers. There are many reasons women accept that drink from a stranger, or a man they have no intention of dating. Some are just politeness, agreeableness, being nice. Others are cultural, refusal to offend, refusal to make him feel small, refusal to not act like a lady. And of course, there are women out there who just see it as a free drink, and they will accept whatever is free. The one thing most women are taught is to be a lady and accept, and I have never been comfortable with that.

More often than not, he wants something I don’t want to give in exchange for that glass of wine. The glass of wine, simply isn’t worth the 15 minutes I have to endure making polite conversation with someone I don’t want to see again. But most importantly, by accepting I am sending a confusing signal to him. I am stating that I am receptive. Though it has not been stated what he expects, nor what I am being receptive too, the implication is that if I accept that drink, I am okay with that undefined situation that this drink has earned him. No, of course most women have no intention of giving more than their attention and a thank you for the drink. But, I am uncomfortable with the ambiguity of it, and I have no intention of exchanging my attention for a free drink, unless I am very much interested in the person who offered.

Of course there are other situations. I accept drinks from friends, and men who respect their place in my friend category. Friends can exchange drinks, buy rounds for each other and it should be equal and always reciprocated. When I get that uncomfortable feeling that a guy I view as a friend wants to be more than just a friend, I feel creepy and back off. Eeew. I am not going to keep accepting drinks, when I can sense he is going in a direction I refuse to consider.

But again, the question is ambiguity. If you are uncomfortable with guys assuming something, then why are you okay with sending a confusing message? Why are you accepting that drink, if you don’t know what his intentions are? Is he just looking to make a friend? Or is he looking to keep you drinking until you agree to dinner and more?

We all get into unintended situations. But we owe it to each other to be more clear. Going along when you know the other person is not on the same page is always misleading. For as many times as you can count of having been mislead, you should be able to count an equal number of circumstances where you mislead someone too.

You might think you are just being polite, but the other person may be counting on the fact that you cannot say no. They may be hoping you will change your mind later, and keep offering you flowers, drinks, dinners and attention, trying to buy your time, compliance, or just a chance to be perceived differently. Have you ever been asked by a guy for a chance? He sounds nice, he seems sincere, but you know very well he isn’t doing it for you. Yet you are giving him a chance, feeling more squeamish about his offers, while he is building up for the possibility you will one day see him as sleepable. Don’t do that to people. If you want people to give you more honesty, then first be honest.

But most importantly, saying No clearly, and backing it up with a firm boundary, is a way of standing in your truth. You are being absolutely true to yourself. You know for a fact that this person is never going to be sleepable, so why would you compromise yourself for that drink? Why would you compromise your truth for the sake of giving some schmuck a chance? You already know.

If you want people to be more clear about how they feel toward you, and be open about where the relationship is going, then let them off the hook. Allow their honesty, and be okay with hearing no. Accept no, ‘I don’t see a future with you’, rather than coming up with a hundred strategies to change that no into a maybe. Or an eventual yes. No means no. If the person is afraid to hurt you with rejection, then they are less likely to be honest with you. You might be starving for clarity, but if you are not allowing for the truth and refusing to be okay with it, you won’t get it. No one wants to be argued into a relationship.

The truth starts with you. If you are pained by ambiguity in relationships, then you owe it to every single human you have a relationship with (your mother, best friend, colleague and lover) to be perfectly clear. If you are seeing limited progress in how clear others are toward you, amp up your directness and clarify your words.

I still have a long way to go. I still catch myself protecting feelings of people I care about. But I see the harm I inflict by leading them on. Often I find myself in unintended friendships, I am nice to someone and I am a great listener, so they assume we are going to be best friends. I’m the type who is always letting go and moving on, and I believe in always surrounding myself with new people, while friends increase demands for my unduying loyalty. There are dozens of men in my friend category who believe that some day, when I am single, or some day when I come to my senses, or some day when I have no other options, I will change my mind and plead with them to give me a chance. That’s never going to happen. I firmly know what I want and what I don’t want, and when I want more clarity from other people, it means I have to be more clear.

I recently found myself on an unintended date. A friend who has been nothing but a friend for almost 10 years asked me out for a drink. I said yes because I frequently meet friends for drinks. Everything was normal at the bar, until dinner started and I got this very weird feeling that this person who had been in my friend category for almost a decade, was now sending me completely different signals. What part of our 10-year friendship did this guy not understand?  I really thought that over the last decade  I had sent him multiple No signals, but something made this guy believe there was still a chance.

Weeks later, still pissed that this uncomfortable situation actually happened, I was complaining to a friend and recounting the story. She pointed out that when he first asked me out 10 years ago, I replied that I have a boyfriend. In fact, that used to be my standard response to a man I did not want to offend.  I should have said, no I am not attracted to you, we can be friends, but if you are in my friend category, I expect you to be a genuine friend, and not some dude hoping and scheming for more. Or, I should have said, You are not sleepable, so decide for yourself if you still want to be friends. I still have no clue, what signal I sent to him that gave him false hope, but I do know for a fact that I should have not given him a reason to believe that some day, when I don’t have a boyfriend, I would be interested.

Though today I am more blunt than ever, I still have some ways to go. I recently cleaned up my friends list, and man list. The girlfriends who want much more of my time than I am willing to give, the ones whose company is an obligation rather than bliss are off my friend list. I deleted about 300 men off my Fb profile, simply because I got tired of advances of people who are an automatic No. I have about 40 male friends who I am sure are not genuine friends, they are waiting for an opportunity. I am in the process of clarifying their position in my life. Exes have no business in my life, I won’t drag the past with me. Is there any value to having male friends who are in my circle with ulterior motives?

Friends often make fun of my black and white approach to life, my directness, and my nonchalant way of saying no. It is amusing, but it serves me well. I no longer want to feel guilt for other people’s misinterpretations or refusal to hear no. I’d rather you get crushed now, rather than destroyed later when you realize I have been saying no all along. But, I also don’t like ambiguity in relationships. I don’t like the state of limbo, so I often end a relationship quickly just to get out of the limbo. That movement forward, even when I am leaving someone behind always feels healthier than sticking around in nothingness. It is how I get unstuck.

Limbo is an energy of stagnation. And waiting is simply acknowledgement of that stagnant nothingness. The more you wait, the more nothing happens. And the more you become okay with ambiguity, the more you become infected by it. Ambiguity is disorienting and paralyzing. There are no answers, no progress, and no results. If you need more clarity on any situation, ask the blunt questions, and don’t be satisfied by unclear answers. If you are not 100% certain where you stand, then move on.

S

Most of my friends know that I meditate, and have been doing so for 12 yrs. What started as a simple exercise to learn to calm myself and quell an anxiety attack, turned into lifelong practice that has expanded my world beyond my wildest dreams. I should write about meditation more often, especially about how it has helped me connect to myself, shift my focus within, but more importantly, how it has sharpened my ability to read energy, and how that has improved my dating life.

Friends often ask me why I refuse to give someone a chance.  People have described me as stubborn, unyielding and not willing to make a compromise- to date a man simply for the possibility that some day I might change my opinion, and perceive him differently than I do now. Sure, on the outside it looks like I am cold and disinterested, but on the inside, I have read him, I see his energy and know it does not match mine.

How do I do that? I think we are all born with the ability to perceive energy, we are taught to turn that ability off, and judge based on outer actions, words, gestures and evidence. In doing that we can often be fooled by what a person says, or their act, and we remain blind to what’s on the inside. But that inner being is everything we are searching for. What good is a knight in shining armor when inside he is a giant void?

Words can lie, words can deceive, words can make an empty human appear to be much fuller than they really are. But energy is that clear signal each being emits that tells you exactly who they are. Tune into that, and you’ve got more information about a person than you can get from a blood sample.

Reading energy has enabled me to avoid a major disaster. A couple of years ago I fell in love with an angel. This was the most amazing human I have ever met, or so I thought. This man fit the definition of The One, he was giving, caring, loving, affectionate, and a solid human being. One of the things I always look for in a person is character, and this person was a man of steel- he had unshakable loyalty, his words actually meant something, and so it seemed I had met my match. But from the start, I sensed something was off. And I ignored that red flag as we all do, so as long as he kept acting kindly, I kept “giving him a chance”, suspending that sense that was telling me to pay more attention, in favor of all the physical evidence he was presenting.

One of the things that meditation does, is it suspends your physical senses and your perception of what is, and enables you to perceive far beyond that. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that he and I could communicate via ESP, sense each other from a continent away, tune into each other and feel what the other is going through in every moment. While I was fascinated by this energetic interaction, even convinced that this must be The One, there was that gnawing feeling that something about this isn’t right. And the more I enjoyed the physical relationship, the more I ignored what he was emitting.

Everything in this world is made up of energy, but what most people don’t know is that energy talks. Depending of which of your non-physical senses is strongest, you will perceive energy in different ways, even in multiple ways. Some people see it, others hear it, some feel it, know it, or can touch it. I will write about this later, but our reads are specific only to us, and how we energetically perceive an object is clouded by our own perspective, projection and physical experiences. So, what I read is usually different from what another person reads in the same person. This is why it is so important to learn to sharpen your own ability, rather than rely on someone else. What they perceive can never be as accurate as what you perceive all by yourself.

And so, when men demand “give me a chance”, “you don’t know me, I am really a great guy”, I often politely say “I am sure you are, but I feel no chemistry between us”. I don’t need his dating resume, I don’t need opinions of his friends, words are just words, all I need is to tune into this person standing next to me, to see what I need to know. Everybody does this, some of us are not as aware that we are actually sensing energy.  I joke that I don’t need a date, and that I can’t bear to spend more that 5 seconds giving a chance to someone who I can read. According to dating books, I am that cruel, cold-hearted, closed off, conceited bitch who doesn’t give good guys a fair chance. In fact, I have been called that many times. I’m okay with that. What I have practiced for the last 12 years, and what has served me very well, is meditation, and becoming more aware of energy.

What is cool about this is that aside from filtering out people who are not a match, it does allow me to slowly gravitate towards those who are. Not all of those men are available, single, ready or as tuned into me as I am into them. That is okay, many of them turn into excellent friends and compatible business partners.  But all tend to be like-minded, and their character tends to look a lot like mine.

In fact, several years ago, I had to make some drastic changes in my personal life. I decided to only be available to people who are my energetic match. Rather than break up with friends or dump anyone, I simply shifted my focus inward. I became most in tune to myself, ignoring other people’s dramas. I focused largely on my self awareness, moment by moment, opening and closing my chakras, monitoring where in my body energy flows, and allowing for all those fascinating experiences that meditation brings. In a matter of 60 days, all those friends who were not my energetic match, simply found something better to do. I never used harsh words to break up with anyone, instead I shifted my focus, and minded my own being.

What was amazing is that new people started to show up, and we all connected energetically rather than traditionally. There was no evaluation of what can you do for me, will you tend to my feelings, show me your loyalty, or obligate yourself to serve my needs, instead there was just laughter, chemistry and a deeper understanding. What makes these friends more valuable to me is that each person tends to his or her own energy without demanding it from others. We have all noticed that when we are together, the energy in a room changes. We also notice when a newcomer matches or feeds off our juice.

So, in terms of relationships, I have learned to trust my own senses more than those of other people. When I meditate regularly, my senses are sharp, when I slack off, my senses are duller. When I meet someone whose energy I like, I tend to linger around them reading what they emit. Often I notice that even when they are not looking, even with their back turned, they are reading me too. Are words really necessary at that point?  Do we need a dating profile to know anything about this human? No matter what they say or do on the outside, you can clearly read who they are on the inside, and that is the main characteristic that matters to me.

As time passes, and your senses become sharper you will notice a change in how you perceive people. Where in the past you had to rely on words, actions, and signals, now you can see beyond that. To me a non-match sounds like just noise. They may be talking, but the words are empty. They don’t resonate at all. In fact, most people are conditioned to put their best foot forward, present themselves in the best possible way, say the right things, use pleasing words, smile, and show effort to find their match. I just breathe people in.

When someone is a match, they can remain silent. They are emitting an energy that I like being around. If they care to start talking, their words ring a bell. What they say doesn’t matter, it all resonates. I am sure if they couldn’t speak a word of English, I would understand them anyway.

Every human has baggage, problems, challenges, issues. We have all made serious mistakes in life, and are paying the price. We have all been crushed, bruised, broken. And we all fear that if someone sees those flaws, we will be judged and rejected. In fact, this is how the dating tradition has taught us to evaluate other humans. People claim they want to connect on a soul level, but they spend too much time judging life’s circumstances instead. I am guilty of that too.

What I have learned from tuning into people’s energy is that every single one of us feels fear, guilt, and uncertainty. One can’t be enlightened without experiencing the dark side. Does your fear look like mine? Can you relate to the most horrible things I have experienced?  Will you judge me when you see my mistakes, my deep scars, my handicap?  Or will you uncover each of my sins, then demand I repent? Some people go through life demanding repentance and control in relationships, because it makes them feel more virtuous.

People who have been there, and learned from those experiences will understand you perfectly. Every soul is scarred, you just have to find the one who sees in you exactly what you see in them.  You can kiss a thousand slimy frogs, none of them will turn into a prince. Or, you can close your eyes, tune into yourself, and let your radar guide you in the right direction.

S

Be careful of taking advice from people who haven’t reached an inner level of knowingness of themselves. No one can guide you to a place where they haven’t been. If they knew the path and how to get you there, they would have been there first.

If you are trading advice and learning with your emotional support group, you might not be learning anything at all. You may be only confirming what you have experienced with people who are on your level, so you might notice that after a while you are keeping each other stuck on the same level.

This is why I am not a fan of “support groups”, “emotional support”, and holding hands and crying on each others’ shoulders. That only keeps us in the same place. I’d rather a Goddess comes here, learns how to master her strengths and weaknesses, gets kicked in the ass a few times, then graduates to another level, than to stay stuck here and in a state of always searching.

In case it is ever misunderstood, it is not my intention to guide or teach anyone. We can only do that ourselves, with our willingness to always experience and stay on our own path. I came across some amazing women and asked them to join the group mainly because I saw they have the experience to propel each other forward, without ever joining the pity party.

I see a lot of charlatans out there selling spirituality, growth and enlightenment, as if those things can be acquired through someone more valid. No one became enlightened from drinking a detox shake, striking a yoga pose, and getting a certificate in enlightenment.  We get there by rising, failing, crashing to all time lows, building ourselves up, and trying again and again until we learn to fly. And even then we humbly accept that we are mere novices.

We live in a country where spirituality and personal development are for sale. These concepts are a part of a $50 billion dollar industry that often exaggerates, embellishes and twists the truth to make a concept easier to swallow and more marketable. If you are getting your “truth” from media, courses, “masters” and gurus, you are already way off course. There is only one course, yours. If you don’t know where that is, it is because you are not reaching deep within yourself.

A lot of people don’t like to look within, because it is unpleasant. We all have that dark side we would rather not explore. That is totally fine. But unless you have dwelled there for an extended period of time, you have not done your work. A teacher or guru, cannot do it for you. Whoever you are will be completely revealed to you, when you learn to face yourself in the mirror, see who you truly are. Unless you know that deep within yourself, how would you know what path is the right one for you?

Following guides will lead you down many paths. It is okay to try a few of them to see what works. But you are following, and not charting you own course. You will find that as soon as a new teacher or concept comes along, a new path is presented, and in not knowing yourself, you are likely to be guided on a brand new journey- someone else’s.

Beware of false prophets.

S